We all matter, and how we choose to show up makes a difference in our lives and the lives of others. Marci Axelrod shares her research on the three levels of showing up and how our presence creates ripples through others.
• The influence of health-focused parents who taught her that everyone matters
• How developing a stutter at age 6 sparked her interest in how people show up
• The three levels of showing up: barely there, just showing up, truly showing up
• How our brain chemistry changes based on our level of presence
• The three roles we always occupy: individual self, situational role, member of society
• The ripple effect of our presence—influencing people up to three degrees of separation
• How emotional intelligence relates to truly showing up for others
• Practical ways to practice moving up the show-up continuum daily
Choose how you show up. Get the book "How We Choose to Show Up" on Amazon and connect at choosetoshowup.com.
Thanks for listening & being part of the Mindset Cafe Community.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
What is up guys?
Welcome to another episode ofthe Mindset Cafe podcast.
Today I'm honored to welcomeMarci Axelrod.
She is a bestselling author.
She is a TEDx speaker and amanagement consultant.
Her book how we Choose to ShowUp reveals how shifting from
just showing up to truly showingup can transform leadership,
(00:41):
relationships and success.
With over 20 years of research,marci has really blended
neuroscience, psychology andbehavioral economics to help
people and business unlock theirfull potential.
She's worked with the globalbrands HP, sap and Cisco, and
their insights have beenfeatured in Forbes and
Psychology Today.
(01:02):
So today she'll share some ofthat in some of her story of
just how she got to do TEDx, allthe kind of stuff diving into
her personal development, divinginto, you know, her career
paths and pivots, and all thosekinds of things.
Cause, at the end of the day, Ibelieve that you know, we learn
from other people's journeysand we relate to other people
(01:22):
and we can adapt the lessonsthat they've learned and the
choices that they've made andapply it to our own lives.
So, without further ado, marci,thank you so much for taking
the time out of your day to comeon.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Devin.
What an honor.
And you said so many thingsjust now that relate to the
truth, about showing up, so weare going to dive into what you
said, but I'm going to let youstart on the chance you have
questions or start withsomething in particular.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
No, definitely.
I mean.
I like to start off with yourbackstory, right, you know your
childhood, your, you know yourparents, all that kind of stuff
to give some context to you knowsome of the mindset shifts and
some of the skills maybe thatwere developed early on.
So what was that like for you?
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Oh yeah, so you want the two minute version, the five
minute version, what do youwant?
Speaker 1 (02:10):
I want the version you want to dive into.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
So first, you are so right.
I mean you said beforehand thatother people's journeys impact
us and you know 1000% showing upis really about that, because
how we show up to the world ishow the world shows up to us.
So my backstory of my parentsI'll tell you how they showed up
(02:42):
to myself and to the world sothey did each day is they were
extremely focused on what doesthis person need to be healthy?
The discussions at the dinnertable at my house were about
things like heart attacks, butthe phrase was myocardial
infarction right, and my fatherwould talk about the day that he
(03:06):
had a young girl on his tableand a table for him back in the
70s at Mass General Hospital,which is the teaching hospital
of Harvard, is an MRI scanner ora CT scanner.
You didn't want to be on thattable, mri scanner or a CT
(03:28):
scanner.
You didn't want to be on thattable.
And he literally had kings andqueens and executives and
janitors and children, and witheveryone who showed up on his
table, he said MJ for Marcy,jill, mj.
He said they're scared, no onewants to be there and it doesn't
matter who you are or whatyou've supposedly achieved.
(03:50):
Everyone's the same and my jobis the same.
My job is to help figure outand diagnose what's going on
With my mother.
She always felt that if shefigured out when a child was
five that there was somethingdeveloping that was going to
change their life, that wasgoing to kind of become a bad
(04:12):
health outcome, she needed tofigure it out as quickly and as
early as possible because it'sgoing to change the trajectory
of that person's life.
So what did I take away fromall this?
Oh and, by the way, my fatherworked 100 hours a week.
If I wanted to spend time withhim, I had to go to the Mass
General Hospital with him onSaturday just to be with him.
(04:32):
So what I learned I learned?
Number one we matter.
We all matter.
I learned number two how youchoose to show up makes the
difference, because if you showup and you're tired and because
you didn't invest in your sleepor your health or processing
stress or whatever it was,you're going to degrade the
(04:52):
future of someone else's life,not just your own.
And I learned that we have achoice.
Now, when you ask yourself well, how does that lead to?
Okay, the book how we Choose toShow Up.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
It's a pretty direct line.
No, I mean, I think it is sotrue because and actually I want
to get your take on this,because when you said, you know
we degrade- someone else's life.
Right Now maybe I'm mistakenAre you talking about the
experience, or experiences ofsomeone else's life?
(05:32):
What do you mean by degradesomeone else's life?
What does that?
Speaker 2 (05:36):
say so as physicians.
If my parents showed up andthey missed something, if my
father didn't quite read thescan in as acutely a way as he
would have had he been, you know, let's say not stressed, not
rushed, well slept had my mother.
I mean, she was always worriedabout missing something.
You know, if a child shows upand you know what she would say
(05:58):
to me is what's common is common, right, but what's not, you
really have to dive into andmaybe rule that out.
So what I'm saying is how wechoose to show up flows through
others and let's say it's, it'sjust a mere hello.
(06:21):
How are you, are we showing upwith an openness, with a care to
absorb?
What are they saying?
Let's look at how their wholelike.
Is his head kind of hung to theside because he's just worn out
and tired?
How is he?
How we show up to otherschanges, how they show up to us
and when we show up with anopenness and with the care.
(06:42):
This is part of truly showingup, which is level three, in
which I'll show you and I'mgoing to have charts Devin that
I'm going to send you so thatpeople can see I took showing up
and I made it simple, likethere are three levels One is
barely there, Two is justshowing up and three is truly
showing up.
(07:03):
And I link it through what doesit mean for the hemispheres of
our brain?
What does it mean for theattention system we bring online
?
What does it mean for thecortisol and adrenaline and what
is it?
So I link through the scienceand biology of what it means to
be barely there, versus justshowing up, versus truly showing
(07:23):
up.
It literally changes everythingabout our lives.
It changes our sense of meaning, how engaged we are, whether we
can actually learn, becausewhen you're just showing up,
guess what the world is justshowing up for you.
You're engaging a lefthemisphere attention system.
Thank you, dr Ian McGill-Christ, for explaining this Left
(07:46):
hemisphere attention system andDevin what's actually going on
is you're just checking the box,you're just getting stuff done
right, because when we lived outin the wild, we needed to do
two things and that's why wehave two parts of our brain.
We had to feed ourselves lefthemisphere and we had to not be
(08:06):
eaten by something else, and onebrain couldn't do that.
So we have two parts, but theone that says feed ourselves, it
says that's a rabbit out thereand it's a rabbit.
No, I don't care if it just hadlittle rabbit babies and it's
over there and it's a motherrabbit I shouldn't kill.
I don't care, I'm going to getit, I'm going to zero in, I'm
going to break.
Nothing else shows up now.
Nothing else matters, just thatone little thing.
(08:29):
And my attention system is likethis and it's fractured and it
is broken and it's about powerover and control.
And when you show up like that,devin, how do you think the
world shows up?
How do you think your gym showsup to someone?
They're just showing up to getit done.
They're not really thinkingabout their health or their
(08:51):
future of their lives or like askill they really want to build.
That's part of their identity.
The way your gym shows up.
Okay, there's a barbell overthere, there's a space over
there.
No, it isn't.
Wow, look at this communitysupporting space that Devin and
his team created.
I like being here.
(09:11):
I'm going to go say hi to thatperson.
Hey, I saw you last time.
How are your reps going?
You know your gym experienceand the brand and all of that.
Everything shows up different.
Someone's workout is going tobe different If they're using
the right attention system, thetruly show up system then,
they're left.
(09:32):
One is get it done mode and oneis this is meaningful.
All right, I'm going to pausethere because I have, like,
mixed a whole bunch of concepts,but you know it's big.
That's what I mean when I sayyou can degrade someone's
experience with how you show upor you can elevate someone's
experience with how you show up.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
No, exactly that's.
That's what I meant, like Ididn't when you were asking.
When you said degrade someone'slife, I was asking, you know,
kind of if it meant by theexperience too, cause this is
something.
I had a conversation with mybarber, who's actually a really
good friend of mine and he wasactually one of my clients, you
know, and you know, there was aday I showed up to to get a
haircut and I'm I'm the kind ofperson where me and him have
(10:11):
that kind of relationship wherewe can talk about anything.
When I showed up that day, hejust started off you know, oh
man, I'm so tired and this andthat like for like five, ten
minutes and I was like bro, Iwas like I hope you don't talk
to everyone like this.
And then he, he like stopped.
And then I was like and thenthe other barbers, like there's
like three other ones listeningto what I was saying and I was
(10:31):
like dude.
I was like I know me and youare boys Like I'm, you can tell,
you can talk to me like this,I'm cool with it.
But if someone else shows uplike this, I was like bro, what,
if, what, if this is theirhighlight of their day I was
like you already know, I don't.
I don't like getting haircuts,cause I have like I just don't
(10:52):
like spending the time to get ahaircut Right.
But other people really valuegetting haircuts, like this is
their spa time, right.
And now if they show up to geta haircut and they're looking
forward to seeing you, they'reall excited.
And you all of a sudden come atthem with man, I'm so tired,
I'm so busy, I'm so this, I'm so, and you're complaining.
It's like now I'm like man, doyou even want me to be here
right now?
And so then all of a sudden, hejust kind of like stopped and
the other two, the other two orthree barbers were like dang
(11:15):
that you know.
It kind of shifted theirperspective a little bit and I
and I had to tell him.
I was like, remember, when wewere personal training, I was
like it didn't matter if I wastired or not.
You would ask me yo, are youtired now?
But no, I'm good.
And then I would still have youknow, I would still put on the
mask of having energy, givingyou what you know, everything I
could, because that's the valuethat you deserve.
(11:36):
Right, and at the same time,when you tell yourself you're
good and you, and you start tosay it over and over, you start
to believe it yourself.
Your subconscious doesn't knowwhat's truth or what's a lie.
But if you start tellingyourself you're tired and you're
telling other people you'retired, you start to feel more
tired.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Oh, absolutely.
And I'm going to show yousomething, because you just
spoke about your self role, yoursituational role, right, as
someone in the chair, the barber, or someone who's always
someone who's going to trulyshow up for others.
Right, your situational roleand also your role is part of
something larger.
Right, you helped the barber torelate more broadly with
(12:18):
everyone else who shows up.
Right, we're always in thosethree roles.
That's one of the truths aboutshowing up.
You can't escape it.
You're an individual self.
Right, you're always within asituation, even if you're just
laying in bed alone.
There's a bed there.
You've made choices about whento get into bed.
You've made choices aboutwhether your sheets are dirty or
(12:41):
clean.
You've made choices aboutwhether your bed is a sanctuary
for sleep, where you canactually get, or clean.
You've made choices aboutwhether your bed is a sanctuary
for sleep where you can actuallyget quality sleep.
You've made all these choices.
There's a situation going onthat impacts beyond you.
And then you've got thissocietal role, because we're
always interconnected withwhat's going on.
So when we show up, recognizingthat we're in those three roles
(13:08):
, we're far more likely to trulyshow up, to show care and to
feel good about ourselves and tofeel meaning.
Just showing up has our mirrorfacing us.
This is the whole.
It's all about me.
I'm me, mine.
It exists in what's called theventromedial pre prefrontal
(13:31):
cortex, and what I mean.
This is a place of misery.
This is the place where youfeel disconnected from others.
You're an Island that's outthere.
No one cares about you.
It's all about you, and youknow.
This is what showed up in thatstudy where people were left
alone with their own thoughts,but they could choose to shock
themselves and, like 56% of menand almost as many women,
(13:51):
literally chose to inflict painon themselves instead of being
alone with their own thoughts.
You don't right, it's adangerous place.
This mirror facing us, thisself right, don't go there alone
.
It's bad.
Mirror facing us this selfright, don't go there alone,
it's bad.
But when you start to turn yourmirror outward and recognize
(14:13):
how I show up, it impacts othersthrough the situation.
That's our like moment, that'sour point of contact, where our
role as members of somethingbeyond ourselves and as selves
come together right, and it canbe in the gym lifting a weight,
or it can be hosting a podcastRight here, right now.
Every decision that we've madeDevin is because of society.
(14:35):
The fact that we're choosing todo a podcast society tells us
this is a good thing, we can getour, our thoughts out there.
The fact that we're using techbecause right, the fact that
we're dressed a certain way,everything that we're doing is
as a result of being a member ofsomething beyond ourselves.
So those are our three roles,and when we recede into just one
(14:59):
of them the self role, which isthe that's what happens when we
are insecure, we're inauthentic, we're lonely, a lot of
depression and anxiety as wellcomes up when we're just in our
cell phone.
So that's what the barber wasdoing and it was like man, I'm
tired.
He wasn't recognizing maybe youdon't want a tired barber to
(15:20):
have scissors right by your headLike he was not in his
situational role and what itlooks like on the continuum.
I'm going to show you this whenyou're just in your self role,
you're way down here and barelythere.
(15:42):
Oh, my goodness, I've got ascissors by this guy's head.
You know, I'm in now my sitsituational role as well.
What I'm doing is I start tonotice and tune in and then feel
with and then enact care, andthat's what happens on the show
(16:05):
up continuum as we go frombarely there to truly showing up
.
I will give you these slides.
It's more in three roles and atone of three levels, at all
times, and you can never not doit.
You're always like it's likethe invisible system that's all
around us is showing up at oneof the three levels and some
ratio of the three roles atevery moment.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
No, I mean that is.
I mean those charts really dohelp, and so, yeah, I would love
those slides to be able toprovide for the audience, so you
guys will be able to check thatout on the Mindset Cafe,
instagram and I'll put it onsome other stuff as well.
But what got you into thiswhole research and development
and writing a book?
(16:51):
All about showing up like whatwas that spark for you that you
really wanted to dive into thisniche?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
well, I lost the ability to speak when I was six.
That's what it.
That was my spark.
So I started to stutter, and asa stutter, you're always a
stutterer, so catch me when I'mexhausted or stressed and my
throat will lock.
So at age six, it was sounbelievably stressful because,
like I wanted to raise my handin class and you could see the
(17:19):
teacher, marcy, and the otherkids and everyone's like, oh my
God, this is so stressful.
So all of a sudden, myselfmirror.
It went like this, because itwasn't just me showing up, it
was everybody showing up.
It's like I can't do this tothem, just trying to participate
in class.
So I started to notice othersshowing up and there's the bully
(17:44):
and there's the scaredy catsand I'm like, wow, they're
throwing their show up choicesaway.
I couldn't stand it.
Devin, here I am, I can't showup as I choose, but look at them
, they can speak, but they'rethrowing out their choices.
And then, at age 12, my parentssent me to this rehabilitation
(18:05):
hospital, supposedly to learn tospeak.
And there's these elders.
They had strokes and they'relearning to stand and feed
themselves and it wastraumatizing for me.
I'm like, what am I doing here?
At age 12 and I noticed, my god, these people they have.
They have detailed plans infront of them and they have
(18:27):
experts by their side helpingthem sit and sit.
And I'm like, look, elders withwisdom, with detailed plans and
with experts by their side arestill struggling to show up as
they choose.
And right then and there, at age12, at that rehabilitation
center, I said to myself there'sgot to be an easier way.
Where's the blueprint?
(18:47):
Where is the instruction book?
There has to be a truth abouthow humans are designed to show
up so we thrive.
So I started to devourpsychology and neuroscience and
evolutionary biology andeverything I could, and I said
to myself my God, there is amodel.
There is a model.
Look outside Nature.
(19:10):
Nature truly shows up.
And look at that tree.
It looks like it's by itself,but it's not.
It's interconnected with everytree on the planet, evidently
under the soil.
Because if you actually give it, this research was done.
Vanessa Carlton I can give youher name for the show notes she
(19:36):
dosed a tree with radiation andshe found that the other side of
the forest it had shared theradiation all the way through
the roots, through the forest.
Anyway, everything in nature,it's in three roles.
The tree is in three roles.
It's an individual tree.
It's part of a situation where,like right now, it's by a river
, it has all the water that itwants, it has sunlight or not on
a given day, it has a qualityof air around it.
(19:57):
It has.
Maybe someone wants to cut it.
There's a situation that it'sin every moment and it's a
member of something larger.
It's a member of all thoseother trees there, but it's also
a member of the this part ofthe world and the air and
everything else.
So, anyway, I realized thethree roles and then I realized
that you know there's a skillfor each role.
(20:19):
How do you do it well, how doyou ground yourself, how do you
ready yourself for yoursituations and how do you
interconnect with society?
So simple.
So, anyway, that's the story ofhow it all came to be, as a
result of my parents explainingyou matter.
You're going to have an impacton this planet, just like me and
(20:40):
just like every human being.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
So what roles I mean?
Because one of the big things Ithink with, with mindset and
we've talked about a few timeson this show, you know, on on
other episodes is emotionalintelligence right.
And and and emotionalintelligence is a skill I
believe right, and that can growand you can become more
(21:05):
emotionally resilient, moreemotionally intelligent, and so
forth in different areas.
But how does that play a roleinto truly showing up?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Oh, absolutely.
Mindfulness, EQ, everything,listening better, I mean
situational awareness,everything.
Everything shows up right.
So everything factors in toshowing up.
So the answer is, as you movealong the continuum from tuning
in to well, first there'snoticing, which is a more right
(21:38):
hemispheric thing.
So all of a sudden you'veswitched your attention system.
Once you notice, tune in, feelwith and enact care, once you
notice, tune in, feel with andenact care, what happens is your
body resets and you're moreinto your parasympathetic system
, you're more interconnected andemotional intelligence shows up
(22:00):
for you as you tune in and feelwith and enact care.
You tune in and feel with andenact care Because that ability
to recognize and label emotions,to understand them right, to
shift them from your body into acognitive process with that
(22:22):
label, which is what putting aword on it does what it's doing
is it's calming you, it'sresetting you, it's putting you
into your rational mind fromyour kind of emotional body.
So you're shifting from thelimbic system into the
prefrontal cortex.
That's what it's doing.
It's basically giving youauthenticity and a recognition.
(22:46):
What am I feeling now and it'salso giving you appropriate
judgment about sharing that.
You know, devin, right now I amfeeling how you are receiving
this information and it'stelling me that it's really
giving you something to thinkabout, right, and you are
(23:09):
letting, you are absorbing it,and I feel that from your
countenance, from yourexpression, from how you're
holding your head, from howyou're nodding, from the
frequency of your blinking, thatis EQ and it's showing up for
me right now because I'm in myfully show up system.
Am I answering the relationshipthere?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
No, definitely.
And that makes that connectionitself in how emotional
intelligence, because I mean, Ithink I've in the past I've
talked about emotionalintelligence from a self point
of view.
What I mean by that issomething happens, you react or
you feel a certain way andyou're so.
(23:53):
Basically it's, it's an eventhappens, then there's a result
right, which is you have controlover, and then there's an
outcome right, and the outcomecan have an effect on someone
else's life, right, so the eventyou have no control over you
get into a car accident.
You know, I say something tohow you.
You said something right, right, and so the the fact that I
(24:17):
said it.
You couldn't control that, Isaid it.
But now your response right.
Right, you have control overthat and your response has an
outcome that can either affectme or the listener or something.
Same thing for you.
Know someone cuts you off intraffic.
Right, you can stop themcutting you off, but now how you
respond to that affects notonly that driver but, also other
(24:40):
drivers, and now you're theevent in other people's lives,
right?
So the fact that you mentionedlike, like just you know how
you're watching me listen andstuff, even it takes another
step, even deeper.
And I think it's so interestingtoo because I can I haven't
thought about it in this way,but when I'm talking to someone,
I can tell if they're actuallylistening and then, as a result,
(25:04):
if I can tell they're notactually listening and let's say
we're just having a generalconversation, I start to tailor
my conversation or taper myconversation off, because I know
you're not listening anyways,right.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
You are never not impacting people.
You are always impacting people.
And what you just said you justsaid, and it's a perfect
example of your societal memberrole.
You're responding to someoneelse's expression.
If I seem like I'm notlistening, of course you're
going to change what you do.
(25:37):
You want to know what elseyou're going to change or what
else is changing in you.
The chemistry of your body isshifting when you feel that
someone's not listening, or islistening or is intermittently
listening, which is what most ofus do.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
I call that just showing up, by the way, yeah,
and I think that that wassomething I, that was something
I had to work on, cause I mean Ididn't know that I did it.
But I'm not usually one for forsmall talk, like you know, in a
group setting right with likefriends and so forth, especially
(26:12):
friends of friends, you knowthere's the oh, what do you do?
And so that regularconversation and what used to
happen until my wife and mysister-in-law told me that I did
it, was that once theconversation kind of died off
and the other person was kind ofjust you know, trying to
continue the conversation orgrasping at just random things
to talk about, I would kind ofjust turn and just you know, be
(26:33):
nodding my head and kind of likeend the conversation.
I was like, and then I was like, wow, that is so rude, like I
didn't realize that I did thatRight, and so obviously that was
no, it's not because you'reshowing someone your truth.
Right.
But at the same time I think Ibelieve it was rude, because I
could have also just ended likethat OK, awesome, you know I'm
(26:55):
going to go over here.
You know I could have said thatI'm ending the conversation
instead of standing sideways,and now they're just talking to
me and I'm not.
I'm just nodding, I'm notlistening anymore.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Yeah, I get that it's rude.
It's higher integrity to end it, but what you were doing is
just giving yourself kind ofspace to figure out how to end
it most likely.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Yeah, that's where a lot of that emotional
intelligence goes in, and so Imean I love your explanation
about it, because it does make alot of sense to evaluate your
emotional intelligence not justoff of your own feelings, but
your response of others andbeing able to interpret that and
, you know, know your resultsfrom it.
(27:42):
So I think that's so awesome.
I do want to ask, though divinginto the entrepreneurial side,
diving into the professionalside, how does your principles
of just showing up apply to theworkspace, in the workspace
culture and a team dynamic, ifthat makes sense.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Oh, my goodness, yeah , so, so, yeah.
So, just showing up level twois what 80% of us do 80% of the
time.
That is not where you want tolive.
80% of the time, what you wantto do is what I call truly
showing up level three.
So how does it relate, oh myword, how does it not relate?
You know, when you show up andyou're truly embodying all three
(28:22):
roles, right, I'm myself, yeah,but I'm impacting the world at
every moment, because everyone'ssensing how I'm showing up,
right, and I and I feel aresponsibility right To impact
the world in a positive way.
What is, what does that do?
Well, first, bam, you aredeeply present.
You are right here right now,and look at the intensity of
(28:43):
your gaze.
Right now, devin, that's howthe world's gonna show up for
you.
So how does it impact yourbusiness?
Oh my god, like people are likedevin man, he's got game.
I like this guy, I trust him,I'm gonna go to his gym.
He right, he truly shows up forme.
Okay, can I be any more clear?
Speaker 1 (29:04):
I mean, but but how does it?
How does it apply?
Let's say, I'm not a businessowner, right, and I'm a manager
or I'm just an employee, and howdoes just showing up affect the
actual team dynamic that theworkforce?
Speaker 2 (29:19):
So if you just show up okay, level two, just showing
up what does that mean?
So you walk into a meeting,maybe you're bringing with it a
little bit of apprehension, alittle bit of imposter syndrome,
a little bit of fear, a littlebit of like I did so much work.
Is the boss going to recognizeand like, what is Joe over there
going to do?
Is he going to talk over me andlike, try to like pound his
(29:39):
chest and be like like the bigone to make all the contribution
?
When you show up the way youtypically do, okay, there's only
so much authenticity andpresence and inventiveness that
comes with you, right, becauselike you were just doing
something else, you've got aconcern about this in your head
(30:02):
and basically, like we come andgo, our attention, we foreground
things then and we kind ofbackground them and then we're
thinking about this.
But when you truly show up,recognizing that people are
sensing you right now, whetheryou want them to or not, and
they're going to take that withthem, you know we, we show up
(30:25):
not just to others, we show upwith, for and through others.
I very often mentioned the workof Nicholas Christakis.
He's up at Yale, he's a, he's aphysician.
There runs a behavioral lab andessentially he like he's the
one who showed the people you'rewith most are 45% more likely
to do what you do.
And, by the way, an actionisn't alone.
(30:48):
There's a thought and anemotion with it.
So think, feel and act.
They will think, feel and actthe way that you do.
And then they go and spend timewith a colleague at work who's
now 25% more likely to do whatyou do.
You've never met that person,but they're 25% more likely to
do, to think, feel and act theway that you do because your
friend Joe works with them.
And then that person goes hometo their son and their son is
(31:14):
going to be standing in the hallin high school and maybe he's
going to stand a certain waybecause he saw someone else
stand a certain way.
He saw you stand a certain way,right?
So it goes through 45%, 25%,10%.
So if you're in a meeting andyou're not recognizing that
you're impacting the world inyour societal role and that it's
(31:37):
showing up right here, at thiscontact point of the situation,
right here, right now, you knowit changes how you show up and
you will hear different things,you will see different things,
you will sense different thingsand therefore you will behave
differently.
And it's not just in your mind.
(31:58):
This is called the mindset cafe, which I totally get.
This is deeply embodied.
The chemistry of your body isdifferent when you recognize the
truth about showing up, thatyou matter, that you're
impacting the world, that youhave a choice of how you show up
, because you'll be more calmand you'll use your right
(32:21):
hemispheric attention systemmore often.
What people say will bemeaningful and what's going to
happen.
What actually happens in theneurons is that we make a
connection that we wouldn'twouldn't have made.
Ah, this is making me thinkabout that and this and that
person in here and maybe I cando this, maybe you should do
that and you say differentthings.
You have different thoughts.
(32:42):
You're creative, you'regenerous, you're open, you
anyway, and people notice it.
So that's.
I hope I've answered yourquestion about how, like, how
does it change how you show upin any situation?
That's what happens.
It's a very different way ofliving and life is meaningful
and, frankly, you leave thelegacy that you want when you
(33:05):
truly show up more often.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Well, that actually is going to transition us into
the perfect next point, but I dowant to say you elaborated a
lot more beautifully somethingthat you know I like to talk
about as the ripple effect.
Right, you have a ripple effecton other people's lives.
So everything you do, how you,you know, show up has a ripple
effect on others and obviouslyyour ripple like when you drop a
(33:29):
stone in the water the ripplegets lighter and lighter as it
gets farther out, but it stillimpacts and that ripple can
cause another ripple, and soforth.
And so, even like we had talkedabout before, you know, we
opened our gym and so forth.
And so, even like we had talkedabout before, you know, we
opened our gym, we launched thefranchise and our whole goal and
one of my personal core valuesis having a positive impact on
(33:50):
as many lives as I can, while Ican, and doing that through,
like I'm having an impact on thefranchisees lives, who's
impacting their members lives,but indirectly I'm having that
ripple effect on those memberslives, right, and so that's the,
that whole.
You know, how you show up ishow you know someone else will
show up, and so forth, and so Ilove that.
But to transition to what youhad just mentioned of what
(34:13):
you're leaving, your legacy.
It goes into our final questionof Marcy's legacy wall, right?
And so this, this is thequestion I like to give everyone
.
I don't like to give it aheadof time because I don't want you
to think about it.
I want the first thing thatcomes to mind.
Everyone tries to think ofthese deep, you know, wants to
think of this deep, you know,philosophical thing, and it's
(34:34):
what is what comes first to mindis usually the best, one that
resonates with the most amountof people.
So on, on Marcy's legacy wall,right?
It could be any message or anyquote, right, that you've
learned along your journey,right, that you would leave for
the up and coming generations.
What would that message be?
Speaker 2 (34:54):
Choose how you show up.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
I think that that is definitely clear.
I felt like it was going to besomething along those lines.
It is like, as much as, as muchas we talked about, you know,
talked about today, it isn'teven said enough to how
important it is to truly show upright, because how you do one
thing is how you do everything.
(35:19):
If you just, if you just show up, and I gave this uh, I don't
even know how, how I thought ofthe analogy at the time.
But I had a client show up onetime to a workout and she was
like isn't it, isn't it enough?
I, you know, I showed up and Iwas like you could go to the
library.
I was like you can go to alibrary and not read.
I was like, and then she's like, okay, I'm going to go go work
(35:44):
out there, we go, you know, um,but so I mean, where can people
get your book?
Where can people connect withyou at?
Speaker 2 (35:51):
Yeah, so the book is on Amazon.
It's a bestseller.
If you're into Mel Robbins, shewrote.
She wrote the uh, the littlequote on the cover of the book.
It's on Amazon, my website,choosetoshowupcom, and I would
love to hear from people Icollect show up stories.
I feature them in mynewsletters, in my posts.
(36:15):
Yeah, and just two quick things, though, that I want to add to
what you're saying.
You got to know the truth aboutshowing up, because showing up
isn't enough.
You've got to understand you'rein three roles.
You're not just anindividualized self, you're also
a member of something beyondyourself right, that ripple
effect.
And it comes to life in yoursituation, in the right here,
(36:38):
right now.
So it matters.
That's the truth about showingup.
You're at one of three levels atall times and you're bouncing
around.
You might start truly showingup, and then you get tired and
grumpy and you need a break andyou're just showing up, or
you're barely there and you feellike grumbling at somebody.
Don't Be responsible.
Choose how you show up.
(36:59):
Take a break, do some stretches, eat some food, drink some
water, whatever.
You need to move back up thatcontinuum.
So that's really important.
And then to practice this eachday look at someone.
Just look at them.
It can be someone getting outof a car.
(37:21):
Before you go into your officeor do an errand or stop at the
cafe, look at someone across thecafe.
Just look at them.
They're showing up, but how?
And as you start to just looknotice, wow, they look kind of
stressed.
Oh, my goodness, they'rescratching their head.
Do they have a headache?
Yeah, I get headaches too.
(37:42):
And as you look at them, you'llstart to notice how they feel
and what's going on with themand you'll start to move up that
continuum.
You'll shift from your lefthemisphere into your right and
what you'll find yourself doingis feeling with and enacting
care.
And when you do it for othersand you practice each day,
(38:03):
you'll start to do it more withyourself, in yourself.
Speaker 1 (38:07):
That's awesome.
So, guys, make sure you guysshare this episode with a friend
but, more importantly, makesure that you guys leave a
review.
Right, that does help grow theshow and it helps other people
show up for themselves and showup for others.
So make sure you guys leavethat review.
But we appreciate you, guys andwe'll see you guys on the next
one.
I stay on my grind.
(38:28):
No time to be slackin'.
I hustle harder.
I go against the current Cause.
I know my mind is rich to becollected.
What is up guys?
Welcome to another episode ofthe Mindset Cafe podcast.
Today I'm honored to welcomeMarci Axelrod.
She is a bestselling author.
She is a TEDx speaker and amanagement consultant.
Her book how we Choose to ShowUp reveals how shifting from
just showing up to truly showingup can transform leadership,
(00:41):
relationships and success.
With over 20 years of research,marci has really blended
neuroscience, psychology andbehavioral economics to help
people and business unlock theirfull potential.
She's worked with the globalbrands HP, sap and Cisco, and
their insights have beenfeatured in Forbes and
Psychology Today.
(01:02):
So today she'll share some ofthat in some of her story of
just how she got to do TEDx, allthe kind of stuff diving into
her personal development, divinginto, you know, her career
paths and pivots, and all thosekinds of things.
Cause, at the end of the day, Ibelieve that you know, we learn
from other people's journeysand we relate to other people
(01:22):
and we can adapt the lessonsthat they've learned and the
choices that they've made andapply it to our own lives.
So, without further ado, marci,thank you so much for taking
the time out of your day to comeon.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
Devin.
What an honor.
And you said so many thingsjust now that relate to the
truth, about showing up, so weare going to dive into what you
said, but I'm going to let youstart on the chance you have
questions or start withsomething in particular.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
No, definitely.
I mean.
I like to start off with yourbackstory, right, you know your
childhood, your, you know yourparents, all that kind of stuff
to give some context to you knowsome of the mindset shifts and
some of the skills maybe thatwere developed early on.
So what was that like for you?
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Oh yeah, so you want the two minute version, the five
minute version, what do youwant?
Speaker 1 (02:10):
I want the version you want to dive into.
Speaker 2 (02:13):
So first, you are so right.
I mean you said beforehand thatother people's journeys impact
us and you know 1000% showing upis really about that, because
how we show up to the world ishow the world shows up to us.
So my backstory of my parentsI'll tell you how they showed up
(02:42):
to myself and to the world sothey did each day is they were
extremely focused on what doesthis person need to be healthy?
The discussions at the dinnertable at my house were about
things like heart attacks, butthe phrase was myocardial
infarction right, and my fatherwould talk about the day that he
(03:06):
had a young girl on his tableand a table for him back in the
70s at Mass General Hospital,which is the teaching hospital
of Harvard, is an MRI scanner ora CT scanner.
You didn't want to be on thattable, mri scanner or a CT
(03:28):
scanner.
You didn't want to be on thattable.
And he literally had kings andqueens and executives and
janitors and children, and witheveryone who showed up on his
table, he said MJ for Marcy,jill, mj.
He said they're scared, no onewants to be there and it doesn't
matter who you are or whatyou've supposedly achieved.
(03:50):
Everyone's the same and my jobis the same.
My job is to help figure outand diagnose what's going on
With my mother.
She always felt that if shefigured out when a child was
five that there was somethingdeveloping that was going to
change their life, that wasgoing to kind of become a bad
(04:12):
health outcome, she needed tofigure it out as quickly and as
early as possible because it'sgoing to change the trajectory
of that person's life.
So what did I take away fromall this?
Oh and, by the way, my fatherworked 100 hours a week.
If I wanted to spend time withhim, I had to go to the Mass
General Hospital with him onSaturday just to be with him.
(04:32):
So what I learned I learned?
Number one we matter.
We all matter.
I learned number two how youchoose to show up makes the
difference, because if you showup and you're tired and because
you didn't invest in your sleepor your health or processing
stress or whatever it was,you're going to degrade the
(04:52):
future of someone else's life,not just your own.
And I learned that we have achoice.
Now, when you ask yourself well, how does that lead to?
Okay, the book how we Choose toShow Up.
Speaker 1 (05:11):
It's a pretty direct line.
No, I mean, I think it is sotrue because and actually I want
to get your take on this,because when you said, you know
we degrade- someone else's life.
Right Now maybe I'm mistakenAre you talking about the
experience, or experiences ofsomeone else's life?
(05:32):
What do you mean by degradesomeone else's life?
What does that?
Speaker 2 (05:36):
say so as physicians.
If my parents showed up andthey missed something, if my
father didn't quite read thescan in as acutely a way as he
would have had he been, you know, let's say not stressed, not
rushed, well slept had my mother.
I mean, she was always worriedabout missing something.
You know, if a child shows upand you know what she would say
(05:58):
to me is what's common is common, right, but what's not, you
really have to dive into andmaybe rule that out.
So what I'm saying is how wechoose to show up flows through
others and let's say it's, it'sjust a mere hello.
(06:21):
How are you, are we showing upwith an openness, with a care to
absorb?
What are they saying?
Let's look at how their wholelike.
Is his head kind of hung to theside because he's just worn out
and tired?
How is he?
How we show up to otherschanges, how they show up to us
and when we show up with anopenness and with the care.
(06:42):
This is part of truly showingup, which is level three, in
which I'll show you and I'mgoing to have charts Devin that
I'm going to send you so thatpeople can see I took showing up
and I made it simple, likethere are three levels One is
barely there, Two is justshowing up and three is truly
showing up.
(07:03):
And I link it through what doesit mean for the hemispheres of
our brain?
What does it mean for theattention system we bring online
?
What does it mean for thecortisol and adrenaline and what
is it?
So I link through the scienceand biology of what it means to
be barely there, versus justshowing up, versus truly showing
(07:23):
up.
It literally changes everythingabout our lives.
It changes our sense of meaning, how engaged we are, whether we
can actually learn, becausewhen you're just showing up,
guess what the world is justshowing up for you.
You're engaging a lefthemisphere attention system.
Thank you, dr Ian McGill-Christ, for explaining this Left
(07:46):
hemisphere attention system andDevin what's actually going on
is you're just checking the box,you're just getting stuff done
right, because when we lived outin the wild, we needed to do
two things and that's why wehave two parts of our brain.
We had to feed ourselves lefthemisphere and we had to not be
(08:06):
eaten by something else, and onebrain couldn't do that.
So we have two parts, but theone that says feed ourselves, it
says that's a rabbit out thereand it's a rabbit.
No, I don't care if it just hadlittle rabbit babies and it's
over there and it's a motherrabbit I shouldn't kill.
I don't care, I'm going to getit, I'm going to zero in, I'm
going to break.
Nothing else shows up now.
Nothing else matters, just thatone little thing.
(08:29):
And my attention system is likethis and it's fractured and it
is broken and it's about powerover and control.
And when you show up like that,devin, how do you think the
world shows up?
How do you think your gym showsup to someone?
They're just showing up to getit done.
They're not really thinkingabout their health or their
(08:51):
future of their lives or like askill they really want to build.
That's part of their identity.
The way your gym shows up.
Okay, there's a barbell overthere, there's a space over
there.
No, it isn't.
Wow, look at this communitysupporting space that Devin and
his team created.
I like being here.
(09:11):
I'm going to go say hi to thatperson.
Hey, I saw you last time.
How are your reps going?
You know your gym experienceand the brand and all of that.
Everything shows up different.
Someone's workout is going tobe different If they're using
the right attention system, thetruly show up system then,
they're left.
(09:32):
One is get it done mode and oneis this is meaningful.
All right, I'm going to pausethere because I have, like,
mixed a whole bunch of concepts,but you know it's big.
That's what I mean when I sayyou can degrade someone's
experience with how you show upor you can elevate someone's
experience with how you show up.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
No, exactly that's.
That's what I meant, like Ididn't when you were asking.
When you said degrade someone'slife, I was asking, you know,
kind of if it meant by theexperience too, cause this is
something.
I had a conversation with mybarber, who's actually a really
good friend of mine and he wasactually one of my clients, you
know, and you know, there was aday I showed up to to get a
haircut and I'm I'm the kind ofperson where me and him have
(10:11):
that kind of relationship wherewe can talk about anything.
When I showed up that day, hejust started off you know, oh
man, I'm so tired and this andthat like for like five, ten
minutes and I was like bro, Iwas like I hope you don't talk
to everyone like this.
And then he, he like stopped.
And then I was like and thenthe other barbers, like there's
like three other ones listeningto what I was saying and I was
(10:31):
like dude.
I was like I know me and youare boys Like I'm, you can tell,
you can talk to me like this,I'm cool with it.
But if someone else shows uplike this, I was like bro, what,
if, what, if this is theirhighlight of their day I was
like you already know, I don't.
I don't like getting haircuts,cause I have like I just don't
(10:52):
like spending the time to get ahaircut Right.
But other people really valuegetting haircuts, like this is
their spa time, right.
And now if they show up to geta haircut and they're looking
forward to seeing you, they'reall excited.
And you all of a sudden come atthem with man, I'm so tired,
I'm so busy, I'm so this, I'm so, and you're complaining.
It's like now I'm like man, doyou even want me to be here
right now?
And so then all of a sudden, hejust kind of like stopped and
the other two, the other two orthree barbers were like dang
(11:15):
that you know.
It kind of shifted theirperspective a little bit and I
and I had to tell him.
I was like, remember, when wewere personal training, I was
like it didn't matter if I wastired or not.
You would ask me yo, are youtired now?
But no, I'm good.
And then I would still have youknow, I would still put on the
mask of having energy, givingyou what you know, everything I
could, because that's the valuethat you deserve.
(11:36):
Right, and at the same time,when you tell yourself you're
good and you, and you start tosay it over and over, you start
to believe it yourself.
Your subconscious doesn't knowwhat's truth or what's a lie.
But if you start tellingyourself you're tired and you're
telling other people you'retired, you start to feel more
tired.
Speaker 2 (11:53):
Oh, absolutely.
And I'm going to show yousomething, because you just
spoke about your self role, yoursituational role, right, as
someone in the chair, the barber, or someone who's always
someone who's going to trulyshow up for others.
Right, your situational roleand also your role is part of
something larger.
Right, you helped the barber torelate more broadly with
(12:18):
everyone else who shows up.
Right, we're always in thosethree roles.
That's one of the truths aboutshowing up.
You can't escape it.
You're an individual self.
Right, you're always within asituation, even if you're just
laying in bed alone.
There's a bed there.
You've made choices about whento get into bed.
You've made choices aboutwhether your sheets are dirty or
(12:41):
clean.
You've made choices aboutwhether your bed is a sanctuary
for sleep, where you canactually get, or clean.
You've made choices aboutwhether your bed is a sanctuary
for sleep where you can actuallyget quality sleep.
You've made all these choices.
There's a situation going onthat impacts beyond you.
And then you've got thissocietal role, because we're
always interconnected withwhat's going on.
So when we show up, recognizingthat we're in those three roles
(13:08):
, we're far more likely to trulyshow up, to show care and to
feel good about ourselves and tofeel meaning.
Just showing up has our mirrorfacing us.
This is the whole.
It's all about me.
I'm me, mine.
It exists in what's called theventromedial pre prefrontal
(13:31):
cortex, and what I mean.
This is a place of misery.
This is the place where youfeel disconnected from others.
You're an Island that's outthere.
No one cares about you.
It's all about you, and youknow.
This is what showed up in thatstudy where people were left
alone with their own thoughts,but they could choose to shock
themselves and, like 56% of menand almost as many women,
(13:51):
literally chose to inflict painon themselves instead of being
alone with their own thoughts.
You don't right, it's adangerous place.
This mirror facing us, thisself right, don't go there alone
.
It's bad.
Mirror facing us this selfright, don't go there alone,
it's bad.
But when you start to turn yourmirror outward and recognize
(14:13):
how I show up, it impacts othersthrough the situation.
That's our like moment, that'sour point of contact, where our
role as members of somethingbeyond ourselves and as selves
come together right, and it canbe in the gym lifting a weight,
or it can be hosting a podcastRight here, right now.
Every decision that we've madeDevin is because of society.
(14:35):
The fact that we're choosing todo a podcast society tells us
this is a good thing, we can getour, our thoughts out there.
The fact that we're using techbecause right, the fact that
we're dressed a certain way,everything that we're doing is
as a result of being a member ofsomething beyond ourselves.
So those are our three roles,and when we recede into just one
(14:59):
of them the self role, which isthe that's what happens when we
are insecure, we're inauthentic, we're lonely, a lot of
depression and anxiety as wellcomes up when we're just in our
cell phone.
So that's what the barber wasdoing and it was like man, I'm
tired.
He wasn't recognizing maybe youdon't want a tired barber to
(15:20):
have scissors right by your headLike he was not in his
situational role and what itlooks like on the continuum.
I'm going to show you this whenyou're just in your self role,
you're way down here and barelythere.
(15:42):
Oh, my goodness, I've got ascissors by this guy's head.
You know, I'm in now my sitsituational role as well.
What I'm doing is I start tonotice and tune in and then feel
with and then enact care, andthat's what happens on the show
(16:05):
up continuum as we go frombarely there to truly showing up
.
I will give you these slides.
It's more in three roles and atone of three levels, at all
times, and you can never not doit.
You're always like it's likethe invisible system that's all
around us is showing up at oneof the three levels and some
ratio of the three roles atevery moment.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
No, I mean that is.
I mean those charts really dohelp, and so, yeah, I would love
those slides to be able toprovide for the audience, so you
guys will be able to check thatout on the Mindset Cafe,
instagram and I'll put it onsome other stuff as well.
But what got you into thiswhole research and development
and writing a book?
(16:51):
All about showing up like whatwas that spark for you that you
really wanted to dive into thisniche?
Speaker 2 (16:58):
well, I lost the ability to speak when I was six.
That's what it.
That was my spark.
So I started to stutter, and asa stutter, you're always a
stutterer, so catch me when I'mexhausted or stressed and my
throat will lock.
So at age six, it was sounbelievably stressful because,
like I wanted to raise my handin class and you could see the
(17:19):
teacher, marcy, and the otherkids and everyone's like, oh my
God, this is so stressful.
So all of a sudden, myselfmirror.
It went like this, because itwasn't just me showing up, it
was everybody showing up.
It's like I can't do this tothem, just trying to participate
in class.
So I started to notice othersshowing up and there's the bully
(17:44):
and there's the scaredy catsand I'm like, wow, they're
throwing their show up choicesaway.
I couldn't stand it.
Devin, here I am, I can't showup as I choose, but look at them
, they can speak, but they'rethrowing out their choices.
And then, at age 12, my parentssent me to this rehabilitation
(18:05):
hospital, supposedly to learn tospeak.
And there's these elders.
They had strokes and they'relearning to stand and feed
themselves and it wastraumatizing for me.
I'm like, what am I doing here?
At age 12 and I noticed, my god, these people they have.
They have detailed plans infront of them and they have
(18:27):
experts by their side helpingthem sit and sit.
And I'm like, look, elders withwisdom, with detailed plans and
with experts by their side arestill struggling to show up as
they choose.
And right then and there, at age12, at that rehabilitation
center, I said to myself there'sgot to be an easier way.
Where's the blueprint?
(18:47):
Where is the instruction book?
There has to be a truth abouthow humans are designed to show
up so we thrive.
So I started to devourpsychology and neuroscience and
evolutionary biology andeverything I could, and I said
to myself my God, there is amodel.
There is a model.
Look outside Nature.
(19:10):
Nature truly shows up.
And look at that tree.
It looks like it's by itself,but it's not.
It's interconnected with everytree on the planet, evidently
under the soil.
Because if you actually give it, this research was done.
Vanessa Carlton I can give youher name for the show notes she
(19:36):
dosed a tree with radiation andshe found that the other side of
the forest it had shared theradiation all the way through
the roots, through the forest.
Anyway, everything in nature,it's in three roles.
The tree is in three roles.
It's an individual tree.
It's part of a situation where,like right now, it's by a river
, it has all the water that itwants, it has sunlight or not on
a given day, it has a qualityof air around it.
(19:57):
It has.
Maybe someone wants to cut it.
There's a situation that it'sin every moment and it's a
member of something larger.
It's a member of all thoseother trees there, but it's also
a member of the this part ofthe world and the air and
everything else.
So, anyway, I realized thethree roles and then I realized
that you know there's a skillfor each role.
(20:19):
How do you do it well, how doyou ground yourself, how do you
ready yourself for yoursituations and how do you
interconnect with society?
So simple.
So, anyway, that's the story ofhow it all came to be, as a
result of my parents explainingyou matter.
You're going to have an impacton this planet, just like me and
(20:40):
just like every human being.
Speaker 1 (20:44):
So what roles I mean?
Because one of the big things Ithink with, with mindset and
we've talked about a few timeson this show, you know, on on
other episodes is emotionalintelligence right.
And and and emotionalintelligence is a skill I
believe right, and that can growand you can become more
(21:05):
emotionally resilient, moreemotionally intelligent, and so
forth in different areas.
But how does that play a roleinto truly showing up?
Speaker 2 (21:14):
Oh, absolutely.
Mindfulness, EQ, everything,listening better, I mean
situational awareness,everything.
Everything shows up right.
So everything factors in toshowing up.
So the answer is, as you movealong the continuum from tuning
in to well, first there'snoticing, which is a more right
(21:38):
hemispheric thing.
So all of a sudden you'veswitched your attention system.
Once you notice, tune in, feelwith and enact care, once you
notice, tune in, feel with andenact care, what happens is your
body resets and you're moreinto your parasympathetic system
, you're more interconnected andemotional intelligence shows up
(22:00):
for you as you tune in and feelwith and enact care.
You tune in and feel with andenact care Because that ability
to recognize and label emotions,to understand them right, to
shift them from your body into acognitive process with that
(22:22):
label, which is what putting aword on it does what it's doing
is it's calming you, it'sresetting you, it's putting you
into your rational mind fromyour kind of emotional body.
So you're shifting from thelimbic system into the
prefrontal cortex.
That's what it's doing.
It's basically giving youauthenticity and a recognition.
(22:46):
What am I feeling now and it'salso giving you appropriate
judgment about sharing that.
You know, devin, right now I amfeeling how you are receiving
this information and it'stelling me that it's really
giving you something to thinkabout, right, and you are
(23:09):
letting, you are absorbing it,and I feel that from your
countenance, from yourexpression, from how you're
holding your head, from howyou're nodding, from the
frequency of your blinking, thatis EQ and it's showing up for
me right now because I'm in myfully show up system.
Am I answering the relationshipthere?
Speaker 1 (23:32):
No, definitely.
And that makes that connectionitself in how emotional
intelligence, because I mean, Ithink I've in the past I've
talked about emotionalintelligence from a self point
of view.
What I mean by that issomething happens, you react or
you feel a certain way andyou're so.
(23:53):
Basically it's, it's an eventhappens, then there's a result
right, which is you have controlover, and then there's an
outcome right, and the outcomecan have an effect on someone
else's life, right, so the eventyou have no control over you
get into a car accident.
You know, I say something tohow you.
You said something right, right, and so the the fact that I
(24:17):
said it.
You couldn't control that, Isaid it.
But now your response right.
Right, you have control overthat and your response has an
outcome that can either affectme or the listener or something.
Same thing for you.
Know someone cuts you off intraffic.
Right, you can stop themcutting you off, but now how you
respond to that affects notonly that driver but, also other
(24:40):
drivers, and now you're theevent in other people's lives,
right?
So the fact that you mentionedlike, like just you know how
you're watching me listen andstuff, even it takes another
step, even deeper.
And I think it's so interestingtoo because I can I haven't
thought about it in this way,but when I'm talking to someone,
I can tell if they're actuallylistening and then, as a result,
(25:04):
if I can tell they're notactually listening and let's say
we're just having a generalconversation, I start to tailor
my conversation or taper myconversation off, because I know
you're not listening anyways,right.
Speaker 2 (25:16):
You are never not impacting people.
You are always impacting people.
And what you just said you justsaid, and it's a perfect
example of your societal memberrole.
You're responding to someoneelse's expression.
If I seem like I'm notlistening, of course you're
going to change what you do.
(25:37):
You want to know what elseyou're going to change or what
else is changing in you.
The chemistry of your body isshifting when you feel that
someone's not listening, or islistening or is intermittently
listening, which is what most ofus do.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
I call that just showing up, by the way, yeah,
and I think that that wassomething I, that was something
I had to work on, cause I mean Ididn't know that I did it.
But I'm not usually one for forsmall talk, like you know, in a
group setting right with likefriends and so forth, especially
(26:12):
friends of friends, you knowthere's the oh, what do you do?
And so that regularconversation and what used to
happen until my wife and mysister-in-law told me that I did
it, was that once theconversation kind of died off
and the other person was kind ofjust you know, trying to
continue the conversation orgrasping at just random things
to talk about, I would kind ofjust turn and just you know, be
(26:33):
nodding my head and kind of likeend the conversation.
I was like, and then I was like, wow, that is so rude, like I
didn't realize that I did thatRight, and so obviously that was
no, it's not because you'reshowing someone your truth.
Right.
But at the same time I think Ibelieve it was rude, because I
could have also just ended likethat OK, awesome, you know I'm
(26:55):
going to go over here.
You know I could have said thatI'm ending the conversation
instead of standing sideways,and now they're just talking to
me and I'm not.
I'm just nodding, I'm notlistening anymore.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Yeah, I get that it's rude.
It's higher integrity to end it, but what you were doing is
just giving yourself kind ofspace to figure out how to end
it most likely.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Yeah, that's where a lot of that emotional
intelligence goes in, and so Imean I love your explanation
about it, because it does make alot of sense to evaluate your
emotional intelligence not justoff of your own feelings, but
your response of others andbeing able to interpret that and
, you know, know your resultsfrom it.
(27:42):
So I think that's so awesome.
I do want to ask, though divinginto the entrepreneurial side,
diving into the professionalside, how does your principles
of just showing up apply to theworkspace, in the workspace
culture and a team dynamic, ifthat makes sense.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
Oh, my goodness, yeah , so, so, yeah.
So, just showing up level twois what 80% of us do 80% of the
time.
That is not where you want tolive.
80% of the time, what you wantto do is what I call truly
showing up level three.
So how does it relate, oh myword, how does it not relate?
You know, when you show up andyou're truly embodying all three
(28:22):
roles, right, I'm myself, yeah,but I'm impacting the world at
every moment, because everyone'ssensing how I'm showing up,
right, and I and I feel aresponsibility right To impact
the world in a positive way.
What is, what does that do?
Well, first, bam, you aredeeply present.
You are right here right now,and look at the intensity of
(28:43):
your gaze.
Right now, devin, that's howthe world's gonna show up for
you.
So how does it impact yourbusiness?
Oh my god, like people are likedevin man, he's got game.
I like this guy, I trust him,I'm gonna go to his gym.
He right, he truly shows up forme.
Okay, can I be any more clear?
Speaker 1 (29:04):
I mean, but but how does it?
How does it apply?
Let's say, I'm not a businessowner, right, and I'm a manager
or I'm just an employee, and howdoes just showing up affect the
actual team dynamic that theworkforce?
Speaker 2 (29:19):
So if you just show up okay, level two, just showing
up what does that mean?
So you walk into a meeting,maybe you're bringing with it a
little bit of apprehension, alittle bit of imposter syndrome,
a little bit of fear, a littlebit of like I did so much work.
Is the boss going to recognizeand like, what is Joe over there
going to do?
Is he going to talk over me andlike, try to like pound his
(29:39):
chest and be like like the bigone to make all the contribution
?
When you show up the way youtypically do, okay, there's only
so much authenticity andpresence and inventiveness that
comes with you, right, becauselike you were just doing
something else, you've got aconcern about this in your head
(30:02):
and basically, like we come andgo, our attention, we foreground
things then and we kind ofbackground them and then we're
thinking about this.
But when you truly show up,recognizing that people are
sensing you right now, whetheryou want them to or not, and
they're going to take that withthem, you know we, we show up
(30:25):
not just to others, we show upwith, for and through others.
I very often mentioned the workof Nicholas Christakis.
He's up at Yale, he's a, he's aphysician.
There runs a behavioral lab andessentially he like he's the
one who showed the people you'rewith most are 45% more likely
to do what you do.
And, by the way, an actionisn't alone.
(30:48):
There's a thought and anemotion with it.
So think, feel and act.
They will think, feel and actthe way that you do.
And then they go and spend timewith a colleague at work who's
now 25% more likely to do whatyou do.
You've never met that person,but they're 25% more likely to
do, to think, feel and act theway that you do because your
friend Joe works with them.
And then that person goes hometo their son and their son is
(31:14):
going to be standing in the hallin high school and maybe he's
going to stand a certain waybecause he saw someone else
stand a certain way.
He saw you stand a certain way,right?
So it goes through 45%, 25%,10%.
So if you're in a meeting andyou're not recognizing that
you're impacting the world inyour societal role and that it's
(31:37):
showing up right here, at thiscontact point of the situation,
right here, right now, you knowit changes how you show up and
you will hear different things,you will see different things,
you will sense different thingsand therefore you will behave
differently.
And it's not just in your mind.
(31:58):
This is called the mindset cafe, which I totally get.
This is deeply embodied.
The chemistry of your body isdifferent when you recognize the
truth about showing up, thatyou matter, that you're
impacting the world, that youhave a choice of how you show up
, because you'll be more calmand you'll use your right
(32:21):
hemispheric attention systemmore often.
What people say will bemeaningful and what's going to
happen.
What actually happens in theneurons is that we make a
connection that we wouldn'twouldn't have made.
Ah, this is making me thinkabout that and this and that
person in here and maybe I cando this, maybe you should do
that and you say differentthings.
You have different thoughts.
(32:42):
You're creative, you'regenerous, you're open, you
anyway, and people notice it.
So that's.
I hope I've answered yourquestion about how, like, how
does it change how you show upin any situation?
That's what happens.
It's a very different way ofliving and life is meaningful
and, frankly, you leave thelegacy that you want when you
(33:05):
truly show up more often.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
Well, that actually is going to transition us into
the perfect next point, but I dowant to say you elaborated a
lot more beautifully somethingthat you know I like to talk
about as the ripple effect.
Right, you have a ripple effecton other people's lives.
So everything you do, how you,you know, show up has a ripple
effect on others and obviouslyyour ripple like when you drop a
(33:29):
stone in the water the ripplegets lighter and lighter as it
gets farther out, but it stillimpacts and that ripple can
cause another ripple, and soforth.
And so, even like we had talkedabout before, you know, we
opened our gym and so forth.
And so, even like we had talkedabout before, you know, we
opened our gym, we launched thefranchise and our whole goal and
one of my personal core valuesis having a positive impact on
(33:50):
as many lives as I can, while Ican, and doing that through,
like I'm having an impact on thefranchisees lives, who's
impacting their members lives,but indirectly I'm having that
ripple effect on those memberslives, right, and so that's the,
that whole.
You know, how you show up ishow you know someone else will
show up, and so forth, and so Ilove that.
But to transition to what youhad just mentioned of what
(34:13):
you're leaving, your legacy.
It goes into our final questionof Marcy's legacy wall, right?
And so this, this is thequestion I like to give everyone
.
I don't like to give it aheadof time because I don't want you
to think about it.
I want the first thing thatcomes to mind.
Everyone tries to think ofthese deep, you know, wants to
think of this deep, you know,philosophical thing, and it's
(34:34):
what is what comes first to mindis usually the best, one that
resonates with the most amountof people.
So on, on Marcy's legacy wall,right?
It could be any message or anyquote, right, that you've
learned along your journey,right, that you would leave for
the up and coming generations.
What would that message be?
Speaker 2 (34:54):
Choose how you show up.
Speaker 1 (34:59):
I think that that is definitely clear.
I felt like it was going to besomething along those lines.
It is like, as much as, as muchas we talked about, you know,
talked about today, it isn'teven said enough to how
important it is to truly show upright, because how you do one
thing is how you do everything.
(35:19):
If you just, if you just show up, and I gave this uh, I don't
even know how, how I thought ofthe analogy at the time.
But I had a client show up onetime to a workout and she was
like isn't it, isn't it enough?
I, you know, I showed up and Iwas like you could go to the
library.
I was like you can go to alibrary and not read.
I was like, and then she's like, okay, I'm going to go go work
(35:44):
out there, we go, you know, um,but so I mean, where can people
get your book?
Where can people connect withyou at?
Speaker 2 (35:51):
Yeah, so the book is on Amazon.
It's a bestseller.
If you're into Mel Robbins, shewrote.
She wrote the uh, the littlequote on the cover of the book.
It's on Amazon, my website,choosetoshowupcom, and I would
love to hear from people Icollect show up stories.
I feature them in mynewsletters, in my posts.
(36:15):
Yeah, and just two quick things, though, that I want to add to
what you're saying.
You got to know the truth aboutshowing up, because showing up
isn't enough.
You've got to understand you'rein three roles.
You're not just anindividualized self, you're also
a member of something beyondyourself right, that ripple
effect.
And it comes to life in yoursituation, in the right here,
(36:38):
right now.
So it matters.
That's the truth about showingup.
You're at one of three levels atall times and you're bouncing
around.
You might start truly showingup, and then you get tired and
grumpy and you need a break andyou're just showing up, or
you're barely there and you feellike grumbling at somebody.
Don't Be responsible.
Choose how you show up.
(36:59):
Take a break, do some stretches, eat some food, drink some
water, whatever.
You need to move back up thatcontinuum.
So that's really important.
And then to practice this eachday look at someone.
Just look at them.
It can be someone getting outof a car.
(37:21):
Before you go into your officeor do an errand or stop at the
cafe, look at someone across thecafe.
Just look at them.
They're showing up, but how?
And as you start to just looknotice, wow, they look kind of
stressed.
Oh, my goodness, they'rescratching their head.
Do they have a headache?
Yeah, I get headaches too.
(37:42):
And as you look at them, you'llstart to notice how they feel
and what's going on with themand you'll start to move up that
continuum.
You'll shift from your lefthemisphere into your right and
what you'll find yourself doingis feeling with and enacting
care.
And when you do it for othersand you practice each day,
(38:03):
you'll start to do it more withyourself, in yourself.
Speaker 1 (38:07):
That's awesome.
So, guys, make sure you guysshare this episode with a friend
but, more importantly, makesure that you guys leave a
review.
Right, that does help grow theshow and it helps other people
show up for themselves and showup for others.
So make sure you guys leavethat review.
But we appreciate you, guys andwe'll see you guys on the next
one.
I stay on my grind.
(38:28):
No time to be slackin'.
I hustle harder.
I go against the current Cause.
I know my mind is rich to becollected.
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