The Default Parent: Our Thoughts & Tips To Avoid Resentment + Sleep Regressions & Meg’s Hack To Meal Planning

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:11):
Oh, all right. Kick it off.
I cannot go deep breath. We're going so fast.
This is so good, she says. Welcome to episode 4 of the Mom
Sense podcast with Molly and Meg.
I'm Molly. And I am Meg.

(00:31):
You guys don't understand but wehave done this intro four Times
Now and we just recorded for over an hour and guess who
didn't push the record button? Not me.
Me, I had one job. One freaking job.
When we started this podcast, wedecided to divide up the rules,

(00:54):
right? The things that we thought we
would have to do to make the podcast what it is, to keep it
going, to divide the labor so that we don't get burnt out.
And guess who was like, I would like to run the podcast during
the recordings. I want to introduce the
segments. I want to be in charge of
keeping us on track and blah, blah, blah.

(01:14):
Guess who doesn't push the record button?
I think that I should be fired from my role.
No, that's, that's no, that's a bold statement.
I don't think that, but I'm so mad.
A shame. That was a shame.
Literally right before I realized the big record button
was still red as opposed to where it says stop, you know,

(01:35):
because like, we'd be actively recording right before I
realized that, I was like, wow, Megan, like it's only been an
hour and we're already on to oursecond segment.
Like we're cruising. No, whoa.
All right, so now we have to go back and pretend like we didn't
just say all of this already. All right, we're going to get

(01:57):
right on into mentally strong moms make for mentally strong
kids because we believe that if we do something for ourselves,
it allows us to be more patient and teach kids, our kids, what
healthy looks like. You know, I did come across, I'm
not going to say that I did comeacross one of those Tik Toks and
it was a lady reading tarot cards and she did say that I was

(02:19):
going to have a stream of bad luck coming my way.
I think that's something you needed to disclose.
I think to be. Very honest.
Yeah, yeah, she said it was going to be a rough, she said a
week, so it's a short lived. I watched it a little too long.
So I think I'm going to get a lot of those moving forward
anyways. Yeah, I'll start.
I got to go shopping with Molly and it was a surprise.

(02:42):
So I was getting ready on Sundaymorning and Reese, my oldest,
she likes to if I'm in the bathroom, she likes to go find
things around the house and she will slide them under the door
as like a gift. Like she found a Locket on
Sunday. That's what she slid under the
door. So she slid under a Locket.

(03:03):
She slides in under. I say, thanks so much, sweet
girl, really appreciate it. And I do, I think it's sweet,
but also it like makes me feel like I need to hurry up.
And so anyways, she slides it under and she goes, guess what,
You're going shopping with Aunt Molly today.
And I was like, pardon me? So I texted Colton because I

(03:25):
needed to know how ready I needed to get because I was just
going to be the bar was going tobe low and I need to know if I.
Knew Sunday Special. Or not exactly.
And so he said, did Reese tell you?
And I said, obviously she's not great at keeping secrets.
She never has been. She's like walked up the stairs
after they were done in the barn, making my Mother's Day
gift. And she's like, this is what we

(03:45):
made announced it. She gets so excited.
So it's really sweet. Comes from a good place.
Anyway, so you showed up and youhad my favorite Starbucks drink
and we went to brunch and then we went shopping and then we
went to a coffee shop and it wasa perfect day.
There was no kids, which it's just nice for recharging.

(04:07):
Adult conversation also very nice for recharging.
So it was really, it was really sweet.
Also, the thoughtfulness that went into it, you and Colton
like planning behind the scenes I really appreciate as well.
So I'll let you say your part onit too before I move on to my
second piece. Yeah, it was so fun.
So like Megan said, we did this on a Sunday, the Tuesday before

(04:29):
Colton texted me and was like, Megan said she wanted new summer
clothes for her birthday. And I fully intended to for him
to ask me like, what stores would you recommend?
What do you do you think Megan would like this that or the
other thing or whatever. But if I read on then he said,
But I think what she would like more than anything is to go
shopping with you. And I was so in.

(04:51):
I was so excited. I love going shopping.
And Megan and I haven't had a day together alone in forever.
I think it comes across like we hang out a lot, but we've been
friends for forever, but we havenot spent any time without the
kids since Reese was born. In your wedding when you're like

(05:13):
bachelor. Yeah, yeah.
That's alone though, like just you and I I feel like everybody,
like there was a big group with us.
Wait. True, yeah.
And then before Reese was born, you lived in Oregon and I lived,
you know, here in Michigan. So we didn't really spend a
whole lot of time then, only when I came to visit like once
or twice. And so it was just like really

(05:35):
fun to have a whole day just us,we could really catch up.
We're in such different phases of life now being moms that we
both 100% understand the excitement to go out on your
own, but also like the pull to know what's going on at home and
the missing your kids that you feel when you're not with them.

(05:55):
So I feel like it was a really fun thing for us to get to do
together. It's really nice to get out with
other moms because they're the only people that really
understand the mixed emotions that you have while you're out
of the house. But it was such a great time.
Yeah. Colton asked me to make it a
surprise. So he also told me what Megan's

(06:17):
favorite Starbucks drink was. So I got that and we I went over
and picked her up and said hi tothe girls.
And then we went shopping. We went to a coffee shop after
we were done shopping and then when I took Megan home, Reese
asked if I could stay and visit.It was the cutest thing.
So my plan was just a quick dropMegan off and then get home

(06:37):
because I wanted to get home forPenny's bedtime.
But I just, I couldn't because Igot out of the car and Reese
gave me tons of hugs, you know, Midwest goodbye, tons of hugs.
And of course I asked Brooke if she wanted to hug and she said
no. I was like, cool girl, I
understand. And it seemed to.
So Reese looked at me with thesebig beautiful eyes and was like,

(07:00):
do you want to stay and visit? And I was like, I loved it
because like my grandma says visit, it's hilarious.
So I did. I said OK, I'll stay for 15
minutes. That would put me home right
before Penny needed to go to bed.
So I was like 15 minutes. And of course she was over the

(07:21):
moon. And Megan whispers to me it's so
cute that she doesn't know how short 15 minutes is.
Yeah, it did. Because usually when I go I
spend an entire day, so she probably thought I was going to
be there a whole lot longer. And then when you were leaving,
when you were leaving, Reese, not Brooke, was like make sure
to send us pictures of Penny when you get home and you

(07:43):
deliver it. And Reese loved it.
Brooke did too. It goes without saying
obviously. But Oh yeah, now we have 3 big
fans of Penny in this house. I Colton, get on board.
What the heck? I mean, has he met her?
No. Yeah, he's met.
He has met her once. Yeah, he came back.
He came back specifically to meet her and work.

(08:04):
But I also would like to point out that Brooke said Aunt Molly
for the very first time while I was there.
I mean, I don't know, she said it to you, but she said it to me
for the very first time. Yeah, she says it to me all the
time. But she did say it to you.
She did make sure that you were distracted and don't like she
was like, I can get it. She's so comfortable right now.

(08:24):
It was cute though. She said it loud enough for me
to hear her. You're so cute.
I'll be honest, I told Taylor I got home and I was like Brooks,
Eddie and Molly today. Yeah, Nope.
That's how we referred. Like we don't just call you
Molly when you're around. We were saying Molly, so it'll
stick. My other thing, I had a massage

(08:45):
the next night. Neither of my examples this week
were planned by me, which made things very easy.
So Colton and the girls got me amassage for Mother's Day and so
I had to go to the same neck of the woods that Molly and I were
just in and it was fantastic. I also really, OK, so like
massage was, I think great. I had said to Molly that my last

(09:05):
massage was in like 2016 when I was in Orlando.
It was also planned by Colton. But it's been really a long time
and I don't know, I don't know where my standards.
A toddler could like use a paintbrush on my back and I
would probably be like, this is fabulous.
I don't know. So there is that.
But this lady was great. She like, she like chatted with

(09:25):
me a little bit, which I need because if you don't, then I
feel super uncomfortable. And then she like stayed quiet
the other time. But it was great.
The night was great. And then afterwards I could have
probably gotten home in time forbedtime, but I made sure that
Colton schooled me staying out. He said, yeah, of course, that's
what I planned. And so I did a little bit more

(09:47):
shopping 'cause there were some places like right in that little
strip section. And then after that, I went to
Hop Cap, which if you're in Michigan, I think they're all
over now. I think that it used to be like
one or two, but now there's a few of them, right?

(10:07):
I don't know. But I did that and I read my
Kindle and I got home at like 10:45 and it was wonderful.
I felt 26 again. I really liked it.
It did. Probably did too.
Megan let me know that her mascara did not run.
Yeah, I just figured I'd like, Idon't know what kind of mascara

(10:29):
I have, but I just thought I would let you know that if you
need recommendations. Mine was solid.
Yeah, apparently it's a me problem.
I told her that I don't think it's the mascara's fault.
I think it's the cheeks. They very well could be, because
I could be. Yeah.
So General wouldn't make fun of you?
Of course not. No, of course not.
I mean, what's there to make funof?
My God, so much. I'm so subject matter.

(10:51):
So my other things that I did for myself, actually, most of
them involve Megan. The other thing is that with all
of the chaos in our recording last week, we had to record on
another day. I don't know if you guys can
tell, but Megan and I really look forward to our recording

(11:12):
nights because we get a full night of talking to each other
and catching up and we just really enjoy recording.
Last week with the Tornado who blah, we got an extra night of
recording so that is a big win for me.
We got a whole extra day to do it and then on Saturday we did a
family nap. I took Penny up to take a nap.

(11:34):
We went through the whole nap routine saga and I came back
down and Taylor was sleeping. Not uncommon.
Taylor takes afternoon weekend naps as often as he can.
I sat down to read my book whilehe was sleeping and Penny was
sleeping and I was, you know, I dozed off just, you know,
casually fell asleep. I usually wake Penny up around

(11:56):
5:45 from her afternoon nap and I fell asleep so she didn't get
up till 6:45 unfortunately, which means her bedtime was very
much pushed back. However, I quickly learned my
lesson. I am not a nap person.
The only time I've ever taken naps is when I was pregnant.
Never took naps before I got pregnant, never took naps after,

(12:17):
even during the newborn phase. I just never took naps.
And I quickly realized why because I woke up feeling 10
times worse than I did before, right?
I woke up like I could not get myself vertical.
I was exhausted, nauseous, like dizzy, I did not feel good at

(12:38):
all. Of course that ended when I woke
up the next morning, but like, naps don't do me any good and I
feel like it's overhyped. Naps are overhyped.
Yeah, overrated. Yeah, you do not nap well
neither. No hate it.
Yeah, not a good napper. Hopefully Penny will continue to
be a good napper because nap time is my jam.

(13:01):
Same same love nap time. I only have one kid who naps
right now. I can't.
I cannot lose that nap. That will be serious.
That will be a rough time. I'll adjust.
It'll be great afterwards, but when that nap disappears, I'm
going to be a monster. Yeah, I that kind of leads us
into other weekly updates. So Penny's sleep schedule has

(13:25):
been weird for the last several months.
She has taken 2 naps. I have found ways to lengthen
her wake windows without sacrificing much nap time, but
she has been hard to get down right.
Like I'll feed her rocker, she'll get drowsy and I'll put
her in her crib and she'll like roll around for a good like 30

(13:48):
to 40 minutes. She's not crying or anything,
she's just rolling around tryingto put herself to sleep and then
eventually she'll fall asleep and it'll be fine.
I anxiously watch the monitor the whole time but she doesn't
cry. She's fine.
However, in the last two or three days that has changed.
When she's put in her crib awake, she just wails, which is

(14:11):
very unlike her that she's neverreally done that a whole lot.
So she'll fall asleep in my armswonderfully, like beautifully,
quickly, easily, and she'll seemvery soundly asleep and I'll
transfer her. And the second her head hits the
mattress, like my arm isn't evenpulled out from under her yet,
she'll wake up wide awake crying.

(14:33):
Like she doesn't even give it a second.
She just wails. And I'm like Penelope Jane, I
swear to God. So then we go through the whole
saga again. Takes like another hour of
rocking and bouncing and singingand all the things to get her
back down. And I think I went through three
rounds of this last night, 2 rounds of it tonight.

(14:53):
Her naps today had actually beenOK.
Her naps yesterday were terrible.
So I think she's going through alittle thing right there.
But this made me realize that I think I need to adjust her naps
right? Like cut her nap short a little
bit. And the sadness that I feel that
we are sacrificing naps that like I have to cut her nap

(15:15):
short. What can I get done in an hour?
Nothing. Like I can take a shower, I can
get ready for the day and maybe get through a lot of dishes.
That's it. That sounds terrible.
Yeah, I'm going to talk about this for my tears.
But sometimes we place invisibleboundaries on ourself or like

(15:36):
expectations, and the only reason that those are there is
because we put them there. So if you give yourself a little
bit of grace and acknowledge thefact that you're getting less
time to yourself and sometimes you're going to get stuff done
and that's great. Go Molly.
And sometimes there's more valueadded in using that one hour to

(15:57):
do something just for you. Because if you don't use the
time to recharge sometimes, thenthat bleeds into the rest of
your day and your family life and stuff like that.
So give yourself some grace. You're going to have less time,
so you don't need to get all of it done in less time.
So other than her sleep being wacky, I do think Penny has
allergies. Like it's unfortunate because

(16:19):
Taylor has gnarly allergies. Like any time he's outside
between April and end of June, he comes back in with red,
itchy, swollen eyes. Taylor never feels good in the
spring. Same in the fall.
I've never met somebody with worse seasonal allergies and he

(16:40):
like does not understand why I don't have allergies.
He's like, I've never met somebody that doesn't have any
allergies. But.
Yeah, right. It's just Molly thing.
Sorry we can't all be this good,but I think Penny has them
because since we got back from Myrtle Beach, she has big dark

(17:00):
circles under her eyes. Like she's snotty and stuff too,
with no other symptoms. Like she's got snot and dark
circles, but she's not really congested.
She's not like she doesn't have a cold, I should say.
I mean, I have genetic dark circles.
Like my dark circles are there no matter how rested I am but
they're not like it'll come and go they're like always there but

(17:25):
I just feel concealer. But I feel bad for pending
because she looks like she doesn't feel good but then she's
acting normal. So anyway, I'm waiting to talk
to the doctor about. It wait before I say this,
Myrtle Beach at South Carolina. Yeah.
OK, thank you. So Brooks, physical therapist,
went to South Carolina and we saw her.

(17:45):
She said it had been like 2 weeks and she's like, my
allergies are terrible. I went to South Carolina.
So I wonder like, you know, maybe there's something random
and bloom there that your body'snot her body's not acclimated to
here in Michigan or and obviously things are flying.
Take a look at pollen.com and see what's prevalent right now.

(18:06):
All right, Yeah, I don't know. I feel bad for her.
She looks, she acts fine. It's just sometimes she looks
and she doesn't feel super great.
That would be unfortunate. OK, so my other updates are that
a congratulations to us in orderbecause Molly and I and Momsen's
podcast are in the top 10% of podcasts.

(18:28):
You heard me right. And the reason being is because
most podcasts do not make it past our third episodes of as
long as we can get this baby up onto the Internet.
We're on the top tower site. You're going to see that
everywhere. I'm going to plaster it all of
our however just getting. Almost didn't get this up and
running because we had. We were past this when I

(18:49):
realized that we weren't recording.
Yeah, we could have this could have honestly to everything
we've been through with the connectivity issues with the
tornado with my husband and killing the power in the house
in the middle of our recording. And then that, that is why
people throw in the towel. I just don't know how you can

(19:10):
buy all of this equipment and then be like, I don't want to,
what do you do with it? You'd still have the boxes.
You could just send it back. Facebook Marketplace maybe, but
then also if we get past 21 episodes, then we're in the top
1%. I'm going to get a shirt made if
that's the case. And there's yeah, and there's

(19:32):
not like it's not like there's like 50,000 podcasts and all
there's roughly 2,000,000 is what this article was
explaining. And this is recent data, so not
to. Brag but right not to brag.
Bragging. I don't know who but like there
are a couple people that listen bright and early who do we know

(19:52):
has the longest commute to work at the earliest time.
Olden and I listen to it. We don't know why not because
I'm. To get it a feel it's.
A psychopath? Yeah.
We're trying to get a view to make sure we didn't edit.
Poorly. I just keep opening and
scrolling to the end. We have 50 views today, Molly.
They're all me. No, but it's because I get

(20:18):
paranoid because I schedule. So this is good to say.
So we've, we've made it clear that Molly does the editing, but
I go in after Molly and just like look at my parts and decide
if I said anything too outrageous that I need that, you
know, needs to go. So anyways, I schedule it, I
export it and I schedule it at that point.
And then in the morning and Wednesday morning I am riddled

(20:42):
with anxiety. I'm like what if I missed
something? What if I had like made a big
hiccup or something? So watch it when I wake up.
And I usually like you said, I usually wake up at 5:00 AM.
So I'll watch it just to make sure I didn't make any mistakes
and I don't need to rapid pull it down, re edit it and throw it
back up anxiety. Especially after the last week

(21:02):
that we had where we had to edit, edit and do all the
socials and Megan had to do the scheduling and getting
everything up in 2 days. And the editing is not a small
process like usually I do it in three to four hour chunks over
several days so that I have fresh eyes on it.

(21:22):
But we had to. I had to do it all in one day.
Then Megan had one day to do allof her stuff.
And let's just say that was not enough.
Not enough time, no. No.
Terrible. We learned our last term.
We'll never do that again. Well, some things, many things
were out of our control, I will say.
But yeah. And also having to put three

(21:44):
clips together and upload that, it brought me back.
Do you remember, did you watch YouTube videos back in the day
like beauty gurus and stuff likethat?
No. I hate when you show how much
older I am than you. OK, so I did.
My friends did, I just wasn't. I wasn't a huge Internet person
back then. OK, good for you anyways, so
they they would get on and they would be like.

(22:04):
Pause. Pause not good for me.
We had dial up where we had to like me too on and then we had
to go like make a snack, you know, and then we had to come
back. Because I can hear the noise.
And I had to double check with every person in my family.
Like you guys don't need to use the phone, right?
You don't have to make a. Phone on the Internet.
Like you're not expecting a call, right?

(22:27):
Because we had a landline, right?
Yeah, yeah. Hey, get off the phone.
I need to use the Internet. Nothing is worse than when
you're on the phone and you hearthe stupid song like Internet
noise. Yeah, that was it, right?
I have no. Idea.
I agree, I do it too but I don'teven remember how to do.
It was. Such a loud, annoying noise.

(22:47):
Those are dark times, but anyways, they would they would
get on and be like guys, I'm sorry to mess up my uploading
schedule again like it's just taking forever on YouTube.
It says that I still have two hours left, but the video is
coming. I promise.
I can't tell how many times I'veseen, you know, whatever 16 year
old girls say that on the Internet.
And so I was uploading it and YouTube says 2 1/2 hours and I'm

(23:11):
looking at the time and I was like, oh, hopefully, hopefully
no one looks forward to watchingthis at 12:01 AM because it's
not going to be up then. So I stayed up and I went to bed
at 2:30. It was rough, rough.
But we're back at it and 10%. OK we are going to get into

(23:32):
cheers and tears. So for my cheers this week I'm
going to start with the fact that Miss Penelope is sitting
now. It was so cute today I sent a
picture to Taylor of her sittingup looking at the camera smiling
at him. She has been sitting on assisted
for short periods of time for like 2 weeks with me sitting

(23:56):
behind her right? Like, I'll sit behind her so
that when she does fall, she doesn't like, whack her head on
the floor. She'll like fall onto my leg or
something. But today was the first time
that I like was sitting behind her.
And then I got up and like movedto the couch and she was sitting
on the floor. It was awesome.
Oh, Hue, recording on your phone.
I can't send you pictures. This is big.
Yeah, me too. But did you see how terrible the

(24:19):
first one was? Yeah.
No, I mean like, I'm glad that you do it, but.
Yeah, I got it. This.
You can e-mail it to me. This is big for your autonomy.
Like her sitting up, it just it gives you freedom because she
can do, I don't know, like, yeah, she'll get tired and stuff
and obviously she's still going to go down to relocate herself.
But like, I don't know, it like opens up a whole new world of

(24:41):
her interacting with things. And so, at least for a short
while, your autonomy time. I also think that so Penny just
turned 8 months and she's not really showing any initiation
toward crawling. And I've been spiraling about
it, right. I know that it's OK if she
doesn't crawl for a while. Babies do it when they're ready,

(25:03):
blah, blah, blah. But I do think that now that
she's sitting up, she'll be moreenticed to crawl almost 'cause
she'll have more access, but notenough access to everything that
she wants. So I think it might draw her
toward it a little bit more, which is will be exciting.
My other thing is I gave Penny spaghetti for the first time the

(25:26):
other day and I sent you pictures and it was so cute.
She really liked it and I felt like proud of myself.
I'm really still struggling withfood like very much.
So I gave her noodles again tonight and and a puree right so
that I know she was at least getting some kind of food and I

(25:49):
might cut this part out because it may.
I'm not sure how it would come across but.
Give it a go. The relief that I feel when she
doesn't go for like the real food is immense.
Like today I gave her noodles. I also gave her puree.

(26:10):
She wanted the puree really bad and she just threw the noodles
on the floor. Like the anxiety that I get the
moment she puts anything to her mouth is unmatched.
I have to try to find ways to distract myself.
So usually I eat with her or I'll listen to a book or I'll
listen to a podcast or music or something.
Like try to keep myself busy so that I don't like over think

(26:34):
everything. But the fact that she threw her
food on the floor and just one of the purees, I was so
relieved. Like I did my job, I gave her
food, I loaded practice, I tried, but you know.
I know that you have our, I knowthat you have a lot of feelings
around this and being vulnerablewith that.

(26:55):
It's probably tough, but I guarantee there are so many
people that feel the exact same way that you feel.
I'm sure you're not alone in that because like, like I said
to you, when we're in the car, there's inherent, like there's
risks associated with it. It's this is not coming out of
nowhere. So it's a very, it's a valid
concern and it's very real. So I'm sure that other people

(27:18):
will chime in and say like, yeah, I felt the same way or I
currently feel the same way. I.
Gave her though mashed potatoes the other night.
How more? How much more mashed or soft can
real food get than mashed potatoes?
I gave her mashed potatoes and she gagged so intensely.

(27:40):
My heart rate I swear was like 220.
I was so high. As soon as she like gagged it
out, we did some purees. Taylor came home and he's like,
he's like, oh, Mashed potato. Taylor loves mashed potatoes.
Oh my gosh. It's like his favorite food.
So he gave her a spoonful and I was like, she just gagged on
that really bad. He's like, it's OK.
He gave her some. She started gagging and looking

(28:01):
at me with these big eyes like save me mom.
And I was, Oh my God, Taylor waslike, she's got it.
She's OK. And I was like, she's looking at
me like, save me. How does that not break your?
Heart. Was it as light hearted as the
way that you just recreated it, or was it a lot more of a more
intense conversation because they would have been intense
between Colton and I? Like I just told you that she

(28:23):
gagged on it. It was, it was fairly light
hearted because he knows that, like my anxiety is so much worse
than the actual situation is. Like she gagged.
She wasn't choking, She was gagging.
And I hate that. I know gagging is a very typical
response. It's safe.
It's good. It means that she's learning.

(28:44):
I hate it. Yeah.
They say that like they have to gag in order to learn to
swallow. Either way, I freaking hate
this. I just want to Fast forward to
when she can eat real food and Idon't have to sit there and
watch her the entire time. Somebody tell me when that is.
Like when does the anxiety subside?

(29:08):
Like are you still anxious everytime Reese eats?
No thank God because I don't. My gosh, I cannot.
Every time meal. Time come OK, every time
mealtimes come around I just getthis pit in my stomach and I
only do breakfast and dinner andI know that within the next
month and a half I need to add in lunch and I just so don't

(29:30):
want to. Yeah, I get why.
I get why when they get molars it gets better because they're
able to grind their food a lot better.
Home girl has 2 teeth. You told me, right?
She has two, right? Yeah, like she's like, it's,
it's got to be challenging to find things that you know,
you're comfortable with and she actually can mash down.

(29:52):
So when they get molars, like it's a game changer.
And I hope at least it was for me.
I hope it is for you. We're just, you know, trucking
along. But I, yes, I'm very happy that
Penny liked spaghetti and that it went well.
There was no gagging, no bad stuff.
She ate several noodles. It was cute.
Really quick for you move on really quick.

(30:16):
You said your heart rate was like 122.
I don't remember 220. That's what you said.
Oh, it's a perfect. I'm glad I said it the way I
said it because that's a perfectexample.
You said that. I'm saying this just in case you
keep this in. You said that.
I thought for a second and then I smiled and I need to explain
why. It's because I thought it was a

(30:36):
TikTok that the guy was like, don't tell me what my blood
pressure is. I don't know what the top number
is. I don't know what the bottom
number is. I certainly don't know what the
2 numbers are to get there. That's all the TikTok was.
So you said that and I was like,I'm guessing that's bad.
I don't know. Yes, we.
Go to the doctor a lot. I'm like, I don't know, but

(30:57):
they'll they'll say to you like,oh, good, it's this.
And I'm like, hey, you said good.
I, I trust you. You know what you're doing.
I think, OK, That's why I smiled, not because my 'cause
I'm an asshole. Yeah, no, you sent it to me.
I think it was what he. I reposted it so you probably
saw them there. I love reposting on TikTok.
I go back and rewatch my repost sometimes and I need a good

(31:17):
laugh. They're still funny to me.
I need you to go to go watch my repost.
There's one where there's a kid,huge tree, got to be 30 feet
tall and the kids head is popping out of the top and the
lady just zooms in on and she goes and she goes.
Not an iPad kid. No, I'm not looking up right now

(31:45):
the. Best TikTok I've ever seen.
OK. I hate when people show you me
tik toks because I never laugh the first time I see one I'm
like whatever. Really.
Oh I laughed really hard at tik toks.
OK. Not an iPad.

(32:08):
That's so funny. Huge dream and his mom is either
medicated well or has no anxiety.
Couldn't be me. No, it would have already called
the fire department. Oh my God, me.
Too me too SO. This like let me paint the

(32:33):
picture from everybody. This tree is the biggest tree in
the park. My husband would look at this
tree and be like wow then that tree really needs to be trimmed.
Taylor must be fun at parties. He's not.

(32:56):
Oh my gosh. I'll repost it on the mom sense
pod TikTok. Gopal was there, please.
Hit me with your cheers. This quick when you had it OK so
the other day Colton was like hey Reese wants to do like the
whole song and dance decorating whole house for your birthday

(33:17):
the way that you do for theirs. He was like, what theme do you
want? And I was like.
Dude. Use this as an opportunity to
not. OK disclaimer I don't give a
shit my birthday I do not care but if it is something that
you're going to go through with then I was like use this as an

(33:38):
opportunity for her to be thoughtful.
Let her come up with it. Like she her and I, we are
together 24/7. If anyone knows the things I
like and has raised themselves like just ask her like use this
as an opportunity for her to be thoughtful.
I come home from my massage and there are green balloons
everywhere. My favorite color is dark green.

(33:59):
There's a cake Topper waiting for my birthday cake, I would
assume on the counter. And it is a girl holding a book
with a big bun on her head that she's coming up a reading cake
Topper. And then back in my day, my
favorite Disney Princess was Belle and they got me a happy
birthday banner that is like Beauty and the Beast characters.

(34:20):
All her thoughts. And I think that's great because
it's not out of obligation. It was a good opportunity to
teach her that. And like she delivered and she
she pays attention. I was really sweet.
Just cool to see her like be thoughtful.
How many times can I say thoughtful in the segment?

(34:40):
OK, and then I'll this one I'm going to try to keep
lighthearted. If I can't, then we'll cut it.
But 2 year olds, 18 months to totwo years.
This age category right here is like people keep having more
kids because they are so delightful and funny.

(35:00):
And like Brooke, I say this all the time, but never tell you all
the funny things that might not be funny to you because you
don't know her. But like you being the people
listening. But like she's comedic.
Like I'll say something. I'll be like, did you I hand her
like socks or whatever? Did you put your socks away?
She'll go no like the pause. I don't know what it is.

(35:24):
She's just hysterical and her personality is blossoming.
Whatever TMI maybe not. I don't know when Reese just
turned 2 is when we started trying for Brooke this age
group. It's a trap.
This is why people have so many kids because you get to this and
you're like this is it like thisis delightful.
What a wonderful experience because I could have 502 year

(35:45):
olds. They say terrible twos.
I said this with Reese to BS 4 is the worst is so tough because
they they can argue with you better.
It's really hard but 22 is great.
I at least I I haven't had a rough 2 year old.
See, I'm having a lot of fun with Brooke.
She's something. Oh, when I was at your house it

(36:05):
was so cute. When we were sitting in Reese's
room, I thought it was so funny that I was I asked Reese.
I was like, I have some picturesof Penny, do you want to see and
I quick flash to look at Brooke and you were like, do you want
to see him? And she was like no.
And then she went over to you and I'm pretty sure she was
like, I want to. See him?
Yeah, she's. Yeah, she'll whine that, yeah,

(36:26):
that that this, that part of theface isn't very cute.
It's like. She'll be like cute.
She's just shy. OK, well, you've got a good
taste of it because she also will be like, I want an apple.
And then I'm like, oh dope, we have apples.
Let me give you an apple, screams of the Papa of her
lungs. Oh, Apple.
Like they're trying to put me ina grippy sock facility.

(36:48):
I'm going to lose my mind. Honest.
I feel that way. I feel that way.
Colton comes home. Why?
In a bad mood? Let me tell you.
Why are you in a bad mood at 8:00 PM at night after you come
home? By the way, you would never be
like you're in a bad mood. I think you know what's better?

(37:09):
Yeah, yeah. Dear, ask me why I'm in a bad
mood. OK, we're going to move on to
tears. So I had mentioned Penny's sleep
progression, how she is being very hard to put down.
However, the other thing that's been happening, I'm eight months
postpartum and have been regularly breastfeeding and then

(37:32):
since five months I've been pumping exclusively and my
supply has always been awesome until last week and now I am not
making as much as She drinks daily, which is fine.
I have a lot of frozen milk. However, Penny's very picky.
Sometimes she'll drink frozen milk and sometimes she won't.

(37:53):
She's kind of a priss. She's.
Got a high standard? Come on.
Yeah. Serious.
Could you? I didn't think about this until
right now. Have you tried to like mix the
two like regularly just to like acclimator?
That's usually what I what I do like when I have to thaw some, I
mix like what I have fresh too. I went from having to only pump

(38:18):
twice a day to now I have to pump four or five times a day.
So it's just like back to literally being attached to the
pump all the time, which is verylike frustrating.
Yes, I think a lot of moms do struggle with this.
And this is what I was saying when we were talking about

(38:39):
breastfeeding versus solids. I was like, breastfeeding is
hard. It's so hard.
And I wrapped up a like, it feltlike I wasn't good enough a lot
of the time and I was so stressed all the time.
You'd pump if it's not what you expect to get.
You're like what is happening? It is so overwhelming.
I can't tell you how many like gimmicky things I purchased, how

(39:03):
much body armor I chugged. Like does anyone actually drink
body armor besides breastfeedingmoms?
I don't know, but I don't. Either I have.
One sitting right now, I looked up every tip the Internet had to
offer and I would do it and I swear none of it worked.
And if anything did work, I would never know because I I
like threw the kitchen sink at the issue.

(39:23):
Breastfeeding is so overwhelming.
When it's good, you feel great and the second that it dips, the
anxiety sets in. You're like, what do I do?
And I bet you at 8-9, now that you mention it, I bet you 8-9
months is because they're like kids are being introduced to
solids and like getting a littlebit more of their caloric intake

(39:44):
from that. Yeah.
Makes sense. OK.
What you said about this week, what was your low point?
What are you sad about this week?
I don't know, if I'm being honest, when I like tears and
tears is always the thing that Igo to fill in last because I
don't know. I'm in a phase of life where
things are just like I'm just content.
Nothing is outstanding, nothing is terrible.

(40:10):
But for the most part, like things are just like I'm riding
right here. So I struggle with this section.
But what I put which is true is that we're there's like end of
the season lols for us. So usually we are like busy
people. This year we had stuff on
Monday, stuff on Tuesday which Iwill never do again.
And then on Wednesday we would go to story time.

(40:33):
Thursday we had as our day off and then Friday we had a
reoccurring play date and we're like coming out of all those
things and like the seasons are slowing down and I feel like I'm
going nuts. I'm just noticing that Reese
needs more hand holding when it comes to like entertaining

(40:54):
ourself. And I'm having to be more vocal
about saying like, no, I need this time to do XY or Z because,
you know, it's a lot easier whenI'm only when I'm telling one
child that and not 21 being, notreally being able to understand.
So anyway, so we're at home a lot more.
There's just challenges that come along with that.

(41:16):
And I am just ready for all of the new activities to start back
up. And then the other thing that I
put is with being home more, I used this term earlier,
invisible boundaries is the termthat I use.
So, but I get in these like routines and I just start doing
the same thing the same way every single day.

(41:36):
And it doesn't occur to me that I should like take a look at it
and see if any of that stuff is still beneficial to me or the
family. I just like, I just do it
because that's the way I've beendoing it.
A good example is I do laundry every single day because I feel
like if I don't, then I get overloaded by it and I don't
want to do it. So if I do it every day, it

(41:57):
feels a little bit more manageable.
And now it feels like a failure if I don't do it because I've
been doing it this way since June of last year.
So I have like these things thatlike no one else would suffer
from if I just like, let it fallto the wayside and like took a
moment to breathe. But I'm still like, like I do
not sit down during the day. I'm like on my feet all the

(42:17):
time. And they just, it makes me think
they're like invisible boundaries or boundaries that I
set for myself or like boundaries probably isn't the
word. What's the word I'm looking for?
Expectations. Expectations.
But I guess when I said boundaries I was thinking like I
can't go do this other thing because I have this thing that I
need to do. Rules for yourself.
Guess Yeah, Yeah, I have a lot of those.

(42:39):
Not that I want to like, you know, throw my routine out the
window entirely, but there are certain days where it's like,
you know, when you go to bed at 2:30 in the morning and you wake
up at 5:30 that you should maybebe easy on yourself.
No, have a hard time doing that so whatever.
I'll add it to the things I should talk to a therapist about
list. I mean, I think that it goes

(43:01):
back to a conversation we had inlike episode 1 where if it's not
broken, don't fix it right? Like you have to be in a
mentally a meant you have to be in a specific mental space and
or emotional place to change something that's working for
you. If you're worried that not doing
laundry every day will make you overwhelmed later because you'll

(43:23):
have so much to do, of course you're not going to sacrifice
not doing laundry that day for the possibility that you might
be overwhelmed later. I get it.
That was a good way to say that you just reminded me that I'm
talking to a therapist. Yeah, for sure.
Like nobody likes the overwhelmed feeling.
And if what you're doing right now is keeping you from being

(43:44):
overwhelmed, then of course you're going to continue to do
it. However, taking a step back,
what you're doing right now can also be overwhelming.
Like, yeah, you get 3 hours of sleep, and you probably could
use Brooke's nap time to like, relax for a few minutes.
And instead, because that's the time you usually do whatever

(44:06):
you're doing, you just roll withit.
But then, yeah, you're overwhelmed.
You're less patient. You have no bandwidth.
Today I came up after putting Brooke down and I said, Reese, I
need 20 minutes of silence. So I'm going to go sit on the
couch and I'm going to read as like, I need you to continue

(44:27):
doing what you're doing or find another activity to do.
I said I'm going to set 20 minutes on Google and I just
need to decompress because I canfeel myself like getting
frustrated. And she she goes probably
because you're hungry. And I was like, I am hungry, but
I don't, I can't handle that problem right now.
Thanks, mom. Well, I say that stuff to her

(44:47):
because, like, I know her food, like her eating schedule.
And so it's been a long time since she's 8.
I'm like, oh, yeah, right. Schedule for your attitude.
And that's good. Let's get a meal going.
Oh. Yes, Taylor does that to me.
Whatever. I'm like Snippy.
He's like, are you hungry though?
Yeah, that's how I that's how I know how to solve the problem
because I she's right. I do fall into that.

(45:08):
Anyway, she didn't, she didn't know what to do with herself.
She like walked away from her beads.
She was like making necklaces and bracelets and stuff.
And she came and sat on the couch next to me silently.
And I was like, I can't, I can'ttalk to her now because I can't
set the precedent that like I'm on a cave.
She just sat there and waited. Oh my God.
Terrible. She's like what do you mean we
can't talk and hang out? I did actually read, but yeah,

(45:30):
it was horrible. Well, I won't do that again.
Jeez. Oh my gosh.
Yeah, that is so funny. She's like just sitting.
She could have just continued tomake bracelets or necklaces or
something, but no, no, no. If you're 20,000 things she has
to do, yeah, but no, no, no. If you're sitting on the couch

(45:54):
being quiet, she is going to siton the couch and be quiet.
Yeah, she's like this, this environment feels tense.
I'm like, no, I'm trying to liketrying to make it better because
otherwise I knew I was going to be very sniffy.
It did help because right after that I was like, all right,
scavenger hunt time, let's go. Good self-awareness.
Thank you. I appreciate.
That yeah, I think good self-awareness makes a very

(46:15):
healthy mom. I think every mom could practice
self-awareness. I think so too.
I think it also makes for a veryhealthy relationship with your
children because then you can, you can say like, I messed up
and I'm sorry, I owe you an apology.
And it's like a real thing, I think, apologizing when you need
to. Yeah, I think or what you just

(46:37):
did and calling it out before you have a blow up like saying
I'm frustrated today, you did absolutely nothing wrong.
This is what I need to help fix it before there's a freak out
and then you have to dial it back and you have to say, oh,
I'm really sorry I did that. It's because I'm frustrated.
Now give me the 20 minutes that I need.

(47:00):
Yeah, I agree. Yeah, I agree.
OK, let's get into the episode topic.
We are going to be talking aboutbeing the default parent or what
a default parent is, how we feelabout it.
I've heard this term tossed around a ton on social media.
I don't know if it's always beena term or if it's kind of more

(47:20):
so in the last few years, but I'm new to this parenting crap
so I've never heard of it before.
Neither. I might be a buzzword, but
regardless, I don't think that it doesn't decrease the validity
of it. Totally.
So let's start with what does a default parent mean to you?
OK, I'm going to just read it because otherwise if I act like

(47:44):
I'm not going to, you're going to think I'm having a stroke or
something. OK, I wrote my definition colon.
To me it means don't laugh. To me, it means that being the
parent who's primarily responsible for the physical and
mental care of the child or children and the mental load and

(48:04):
invisible labour that accompanies those
responsibilities. And then underneath that, I did
put a disclaimer that it's not black and white like it's on a
spectrum. I might say like you are because
I'm the default parent and my Riley, my relationship with my
family, Molly is too. So if I say that, it's not
because I think everybody who's listening to this is anyway.

(48:26):
So it depends how well as the default parent you are
communicating your needs and howyou know attuned your partner is
and how present and to put it bluntly, like how helpful they
are when they're around, like how the responsibilities get
split. So I do understand that it's
different if you're working like2 parents working versus having

(48:47):
a stay at home mom. So I'm not saying that my
experience is everyone else's experience, just talking through
my own lens. And then I also put that having
a default parent within the Co parenting dynamic may create
subsequent dynamics that come into play even when the non
default parent as present and actively helping.

(49:07):
And I'll talk a little bit aboutthose as we dive into.
This, I think describing what a default parent is is kind of
difficult, right? It's the parent that manages the
schedules, kind of like what yousaid.
So me making adjustments to Penny's schedule, that's
something that I know how to do and I know what her behaviors

(49:28):
mean and why I need to adjust. Like Taylor doesn't know that
stuff. He follows the schedule
perfectly, but he wouldn't know how to alter the schedule or why
we would do that or when we would do that.
The other thing that I think explains it perfectly is if I

(49:48):
want to go to the grocery store on the weekend or if I want to
go to the gym or run an errand or something, I ask Taylor,
right? Like, is it cool that I go do
this? Are you around to be with Penny?
If Taylor needed to do something, he wouldn't need to
ask. It's just assumed that I would
be with Penny, that Penny's withme no matter what.
So I think that kind of perfectly sums up that role and

(50:10):
how it's different for each parent.
The other thing, I would assume the default parent is probably
also the homemaker, like the person that cooks and cleans and
does the house chores and thingslike that.
There's a big mental and emotional toll of the default
parent. I do not discredit how difficult

(50:31):
being the working parent is. Like I would never trade Taylor
ever. I do not want to have to go to
work while he gets to stay home with her.
I'm so happy to do that. However, I think that the way I
can describe the differences between our roles is work has a
mental load. We have to think, you have to
plan, you have to do. Everything there has to do with

(50:52):
work, but you don't have an emotional tie to work, right?
Everything that we think about and we plan and we do, there's
emotion wrapped up in it becauseit's your child and you want to
make sure that everything you dois absolutely perfect for them.
At work, you're juggling all these things, but it's a

(51:12):
checklist of things you have to do.
Like your heart's not going to be actually broken if you miss a
deadline. Your soul will not be crushed if
somebody criticizes your work that you did that day.
Like, you know, that kind of thing.
But the livelihood and how well your child is doing directly

(51:32):
reflects you taking care of them.
That's a good point. Yeah, I completely agree with
that. And also because you're as a
default parent heavily focused on your child, you're not only
thinking about addressing needs and problems and what have you
in the moment, but you're also constantly thinking about future
them and how those decisions aregoing to impact them.

(51:55):
And like when you are the default parent, in my case, what
I have to manage is not only whatever is currently in front
of me, but it is all the things that go into that.
The planning, the scheduling, the consideration of those
schedules and what needs to happen for that stuff to come to
fruition. And I have to think about all

(52:15):
the things that I should do so that I'm not anxious leading up
to whatever is about to happen. And also because I'm the most
present parent because this is the dynamic that we chose.
And same as you, I would never when changes for the world, like
I'm doing what I'm doing becauseit's what I want.
But I am also the person who knows all the details, right?

(52:39):
Like I like you had pointed out,I do manage the house too.
So like if Reece needs to wear her heart sync sequin shirt and
Colton is going downstairs to like help her get ready and then
Reese comes in and says, where'smy heart sequin shirt?
Colton doesn't know. So what does Colton have to do
now? Either say pick a different
shirt and deal with that meltdown, which I'm going to

(53:01):
hear that and be like, do I needto go help or he's going to come
ask me. And of course he is.
He's he shouldn't know all thesedetails.
But like that stuff happens overand over and over again.
So time to myself, time to get ready.
Whatever it's I'm, I'm never done, I'm never off duty.
And I'm sure a lot of other people feel the same way.

(53:23):
Like you always have to support because you know the insurance
and outs of your children, you know the insurance and outs of
the house, how the current phaseof that they're in is going.
And so you're like fielding questions left and right.
And that gets hard. Also, I've said with Brooke,
like she has a preference, right?
Like she's used to me doing things a certain way.

(53:43):
She's 2 so you can't like reasonwith her very much and so she
prefers me for bedtime so it's like we can say no to that and
switch off. And then I feel immense guilt
and anxiety because she just wants to be with me like where
she's bonded like so I feel likeselfish almost when I take extra

(54:06):
time to myself. It's a long winded way to say
it, like your your brain never turns off, there's never an off
duty, you do not clock out. It is a constant revolving door
of what am I doing? What could I be doing?
What do they need? Yeah, I think that your body in
the first year of their life is not your own, right?

(54:28):
Like it's pretty much the babies, But after that, they
need all of your emotional bandwidth.
So it's like you're not your own, right?
I agree Penny will go down for other people but she'll cry and
she does not cry for me. So it's like for me to not put
her down because I need a minutebecause I have other things I

(54:50):
want to do doesn't seem nice right?
Like, why make her cry if she doesn't have to?
I think that when Penny was first born, for about the first
month she was going to bed late,right when we would go to bed
because and Taylor would put herdown.
Taylor was the only one that could do it.
However, I was struggling a lot back then so she would cry for

(55:14):
anybody and I like could not. I could not do it.
I could not. Listen.
Yeah, like, let's just sit thereand hold her while she wailed
and like, it was terrible. I can't even revisit that.
So he would put her down as soonas she started needing to go
down before he got home from work, which was like 2 months,

(55:36):
maybe two months and on. Then I would put her down.
So now, of course, she goes downso much easier for me.
And yeah, it just feels selfish to be like, oh, I need like, I'm
going to let you put her down tonight.
I would say that part's not the part of being a default parent
that I find difficult. I think what I find difficult of
being the default parent is doing everything that you used

(55:58):
to do right, Like the cooking, the cleaning, the taking care of
the home and being the primary parent.
But that's also because I hate the the taking care of the home
part. Like I hate, I hate those
chores. Yeah, I hear you.
My point with the sleeping thingspecifically is just that even
when support is available to me,I can't just take it with like

(56:21):
no strings attached. It's I can take it and then I
can feel guilty about Brooke wanting me.
I can feel bad for Colton because I'm like, I don't know.
Sometimes I feel bad because I'mlike, man, he just wants to like
he's jazzed to put Brooke down. I know.
And she's crying and he just wants to like spend time with
her and have a sweet wrap up to the day and she is not letting

(56:44):
that happen. So like it's more so just so
it's available, but I can't everdetach.
It comes with strings attached to it, guilt and worry.
And when Brooke was younger and he would like get up and take
care of her in the middle of thenight, I would.
I couldn't just sleep because I'm like, if it goes haywire,
which it probably will, I'm going to need to go down anyway.

(57:07):
So basically this is just a few minutes for me to like prop my
mind to have to go down. Like, I don't know, it's just
never off duty is what it feels like.
OK, so let's review the top two things I think are the hardest
about Bing default parent. I think it is constant anxiety

(57:27):
that I feel that I'm either not doing enough or I'm doing
something that's going to wreak havoc in the future.
Like I thought about that a ton when she was really young and I
was like establishing sleep habits.
I was like, am I ruining potential sleep in the future?

(57:50):
So I think it's the constant stress and anxiety given I have
postpartum. So that's valid.
But yes, the constant stress that I feel is number one.
Number two I would say is the loneliness.
You know, it's hard to find people in the same stage of life
as you. A lot of my friends still work,

(58:11):
so it's not like they're home all the time.
So it's just kind of lonely and having a young family you like,
you don't have the opportunity to just go out.
I have a lot of friends that aren't parents yet, and so their
lives look very different. So I would say it's the
loneliness is by far the second thing that I don't like.
When it comes to the things I love, I love, love, love.

(58:34):
Would never trade the bond that I get with Penelope.
I think that that is going to last us for years.
It's setting the best groundworkfor our relationship.
Whether or not I go back to workat some point or I stay home
with her for a while longer. I think that it has set up the
best foundation for us and we'vebonded like I couldn't believe I

(58:59):
really struggled for the first few months to bond and I was
like, I, I think like if someonehad asked me, I'd be like, oh,
we're bonding great. But then after I hit the four
month mark, I was like, this is what bonding feels like, Like
this is what it's supposed to be.
So I do think that that is by far my favorite part about being

(59:22):
the default parent. And the second is just like the
sense of pride that I feel beingthe default parent.
I love that I know the insuranceand outs of her and that I'm the
one that can soothe her, that I'm the one that can modify her
schedule to help her. That if someone has a question

(59:42):
about my child I know the answerto, I like that.
I wouldn't like not knowing the answer to those things.
So those are my two favorite things that I love, the bond and
the fact that I know the insurance and outs of what's
going on. Yeah, good answers.
I don't think my answers are going to stay too far from that.
The two things I find hardest about being the default parent
are #1 I find it very difficult to communicate my own needs.

(01:00:07):
Because I don't think about themvery often.
If you like, ask my preferences on things.
I mean, I've always been this way to a degree.
I like. I spend all day addressing and
predicting future needs of my kids and so it often isn't until
I am at the end of my rope that I think to ask for help.

(01:00:31):
And a lot of times I do not knowhow to articulate it well.
It is because I am never off duty, like I've said a million
times, so that is hard. But it's like the perfect way to
describe it, too. At least before I had Penny, I
would come home, I'd make dinner, we'd sit on the couch
and watch TV together. Hence you get to come home and

(01:00:51):
relax. A parent's not like that,
especially like a parent of younger kids, because even after
she goes to bed, I mean, I usually do a lot of chores after
she goes to bed, but chores? And then I anxiously watch the
monitor. So like, I just feel like I'm
constantly on alert. I hear phantom cries all night

(01:01:12):
long. Wow, yeah.
Like I just feel like my brain can't shut off.
So I mean the not getting a break thing that's so accurate.
Yeah. And then I also feel like a
challenge is I feel immense guilt being, well, not usually

(01:01:33):
being away because I'm like, what a rush.
I've like usually I'm OK when I'm away, but the act of like
asking for or scheduling and leaving to go do the thing for
myself is very challenging because it's not something
that's happening often. And The thing is we talked about
like, we have to ask to go do things.

(01:01:54):
Like, I can't tell you how many times I've been like, is now a
good time for me to go get ready, shower and stuff?
And Colton doesn't expect me to ask that.
Like I say that and he's like, yeah, why are you?
Of course. Like if you have a shot, you got
a shower 10 minutes like left ifyou wanted to by all means.
But like, I don't, I don't, it doesn't feel that way because I

(01:02:14):
never leave my job. So I feel guilty when I'm asking
for those things. I.
Also need the verification like I'm going to go take a shower.
You got eater right? Like of course he does.
He's sitting in the room when I leave the room.
I know he's got her but I need the the verbal confirmation like
you're not got her right while Ileave.

(01:02:36):
Right. This is, I thought about this
earlier. What it is, is, is you are used
to having 100%. You often will have 100% of the
responsibility on Penny when it's both of you.
It's, you know, presumably 5050.And you want to know is that
effectively like, are you good to take my 50%?
Because I'm going to go do this thing and I need to make sure

(01:02:58):
that you're a lot like, you know, a little bit in your phone
in the article you're reading and like whatever you're going
to, you have a thing you want togo do.
Yes, you're going to cover my 50, right?
And then for my two things that I love, I could sit here and try
to be creative and think of something outside of what you
said. But yeah, it's the bond that I
have with my children because itis so important to me, so

(01:03:21):
important to me that I I am conducting myself as a person
who my children want to be around when they are adults.
I think it is a huge responsibility and I have every
single day of their young lives to work towards that and be
present. Not that you wouldn't if you
were not the default parent, norwould you like.
Not that you wouldn't if you weren't a stay at home parent.

(01:03:43):
But when you aren't those things, your attention is
fragmented. It is a huge fear of mine for us
not to have a great relationshipwhen they're older.
And so it being a fear of mine, it's comforting to know that I
get to focus on that. I get to right my wrongs.
I get to be mindful and I get tobe the like parents that I want

(01:04:06):
to be because I'm focusing on, you know what I mean, right?
And I also like you, like Colton, we've done that little
quiz that was going around TikTok where you're like, ask
your the non default parent whatsize clothes your kids are in.
He can answer every single one of those questions.
He knows all the answers. It's not that like only I know

(01:04:26):
them, but I would never not wantto know those things.
Like I love knowing the ends andouts of the children.
I like it when we go to appointments and they're asking
us questions and I know that I'mgoing to be the one who's
delivering the answers. It just it's a little point of
pride for me. I really enjoy it and yeah, so I
agree with you. OK, actually I have a theory on

(01:04:48):
default, non default parent. So I think it's very
stereotypical that the dad is the fun parent, right?
Like the dad is the entertainer,the dad is the play 1, whatever.
I think it's because they come home from work and they are
refreshed, right? Like they're excited to see
their kids, they're excited to play.

(01:05:09):
And I'm never excited to play like I will because I'm excited
because she's so freaking cute and I just want to like kiss on
her little cheeks. But like, I'm not excite
excited. Like Taylor comes in like he's
on a freaking game show. Like yelling, waving his arms,
so excited to make her smile when he gets home.

(01:05:33):
And Colton too. Yeah, I think it's because
you're not mentally drained and emotionally drained.
So you're like fun? You're more exciting than us.
I get annoyed when Colton's likecomes home and like a theatrical
and like in in in entertainer mode.

(01:05:54):
Like you just said it. I get annoyed because I'm like.
So along with being the default parent, I think that this is
common for all parenting relationships, but there's
always going to be one person that's quote UN quote, the
default parent. So as soon as you start
parenting, I think that there's a certain level of resentment
that happens. I think that it's very common.

(01:06:17):
It's very hard to be parents andnot feel a little bit of
resentment because your lives have changed so drastically.
But we do have a couple tips as far as like how to manage that
and or how we have went about it.
I think that coming from a therapist perspective, I think
that involving each other in open communication styles,

(01:06:41):
right? So involving each other in your
thoughts and feelings day-to-dayis really important.
I think if the default parents at home all day, the working
parent comes home working and ornon default parent.
I don't want to say default parent and just assume that it's
a stay at home parent. If they come home and they've

(01:07:01):
each had their own very separateday and then they only talk
about what they're doing in thatmoment.
Like we're going to have dinner,we're going to watch TV, we're
going to put the kids to bed, whatever.
But they don't reflect on how the days went for each of them.
Then it does feel like you're living 2 very separate lives and
the other person almost doesn't care.
So I think that the resentment can set in there very easily.

(01:07:23):
But if you take a minute to review your day, review how the
kids were and how you felt aboutit, right?
Review your own feelings. One, it helps you not feel so
alone. 2, it helps the other parent feel more involved.
So they're not you're not as resentful for them for not
taking on any of the emotional load.

(01:07:45):
And they're not like, well, I'm on the outside of this little
thing that you guys have going on.
So I do think open communicationabout thoughts and feelings
throughout the day is really important.
Taylor and I send several texts throughout the day.
He checks in on what's going on at home, how we're doing, and
he's genuinely interested. And I think that that helps us a

(01:08:05):
ton. I agree.
My only contribution to this is saying I have examples and ideas
that you can implement, but communicate before you're
frustrated. I think that's huge because
yeah, if you are communicating when you're already frustrated,
then. That the blaming.
Comes the blaming comes in and your your negative outlook on

(01:08:29):
the situation comes in. It's just not easy to it's for
me, it's easier to voice frustrations, not voice issues
to find the solution once we getto that point.
So some things that I recommend that I have tried and worked
well for me and my family as we scheduled a recurring time to

(01:08:52):
connect and talk like a downloadabout all the stuff that the
important information that I need him to know, the non
default parent to know and vice versa.
Any questions that he has, etcetera.
And there's more stuff that we do during that time.
But yeah, so instead of I try toavoid like sending text messages
all throughout the day because at least in my husband's role, I

(01:09:16):
know that he is very busy at work and I know that he cares a
great deal about what I have to say.
But if it's not an emergency, I'm holding it in like a note
and I'll try to share at the endof the day or when we have that
like touch base. We were, ours is like weekly
one. If you need more, you can do

(01:09:38):
daily. If you need less, you can do bio
likely monthly, whatever. But it is really helpful having
that dedicated time. And it eliminated the resentment
for me because there's like sometopics that I was like, you
haven't asked about this one thing and it feels like maybe
you don't care. And he's like, absolutely not
the case. And so having a dedicated time
to talk about it, yeah, just to leave, you had a lot of

(01:09:59):
frustrations. I know it sounds silly, and I
know it's hard to maintain. It's like a family meeting.
I love that. Yeah, yeah, as long as it's
like, I don't know, something you can maintain and I think
it's worthwhile. During this, you'll want to talk
about what's a priority to you. You'll want to understand what's
a priority to them, and you'll want to discuss things that can
get left undone without any sortof issue.

(01:10:21):
Like if this does not get addressed, neither of us are
going to feel stressed out or whatever disappointed, whatever
it is. And then I wrote on what things
do you dislike? So you would prefer to alternate
like an examples like if I have been doing bath time for a long
time, bath time that takes a lotout of me, especially at the end

(01:10:44):
of the day. And so this is something that
I'll want to alternate because then the reason it's important
to talk about it is that your significant other is not
thinking. Well, like, that's Megan.
Like Megan always does that. She's always done it.
She hasn't said anything about it Because remember, this is
underneath the umbrella of talk before you're frustrated.
Oh, and then I wrote create systems to fall back on.

(01:11:06):
This is especially useful duringtimes of mental or physical
exhaustion for either of you. And the example I put for this
is grocery list and shopping. So this is my disclaimer for
this example is that my husband is an engineer.
So spreadsheets and stuff like that I don't know he worked at
this brain well. But what we did is him and I
both hate, hate, hate, hate, hate coming up with meals for

(01:11:29):
the week and we like grocery lists and stuff like that.
It's, it's just, it was always aproblem for us.
But we, you know, we want to prioritize eating home more.
Now we've gotten ourselves to a place where we like never eat
out basically. And we're eating at home every
single night. Reason that the way we did that
is first we wrote down on a spreadsheet every single meal

(01:11:53):
that we can tolerate. We got to the list of 20 of
things that we make. So it started with that and then
we would pick a number and then it was on our grocery list for
that week and has since evolved to having a list of all of the
ingredients that we need for that thing so we could copy and
paste it to the grocery list. We don't have to think about it

(01:12:16):
anymore. We don't have to argue about it.
We must exist and that's in place.
And since then it has evolved towe're so sick of deciding what
we want to eat that we just havea rotation.
So we have like I think week onethrough week 3 and it's the same
meals on it and we can sub it out.
If for some reason that we're like, that sounds terrible,
let's find something new. We have a new thing we want to

(01:12:37):
try, but we do not have to thinkabout meals.
We have it. Will you send that to me?
That sounds awesome. Yeah, I don't, I don't know how
intuitive it'll be, but yeah, I'll absolutely send it to you.
But yeah, so we don't have to think about anything.
We don't have to think about what items are needed.
The biggest annoyance that I have each week now is going

(01:12:58):
through the list and removing things that I know that we
already have. That's like the the only thing
that I have to do. And then of course, like the
grocery shopping in itself, still hate that, but I don't
trust grocery pickup. So yeah, it's a system that we
have in place. And well, I mean, it's not like
something that would fall back on, but like it could be if if

(01:13:19):
somebody was like at the end of the road, because it's The thing
is like, if you know that so andso is managing this task,
they're going to get to a point either party default or not non
default, that they're going to get to a point sometimes where
they're so overwhelmed or tired or really don't feel good,
whatever it might be. And like they need reprieve.
But if it's the non default parent that that happens to,

(01:13:41):
that's one more thing for you toadd to your list in the child
household management. And that is that's a bummer.
So communicate, plan, create systems, and it's very annoying
and cumbersome at first when you're setting all these things
up, but then you go to a place where you don't have to think
about it. It's very, it's blissful.
Oh, I did just put that relationships are not always

(01:14:05):
5050. A lot of times, you know
somebody can only deliver 35%, OK, but if you do talk before
you're frustrated, then you're going to be able to communicate
and understand the fact that sometimes people can only give
you so much in that time. This does not mean you accept
excuses. This does not mean that you

(01:14:27):
accept laziness. This does not mean that you take
on more yourself and carry a burden that you do not deserve.
It just means that in a healthy dynamic, you understand that
it's give and take. And the 5050 thing is I think.
Yeah, I think so too. OK, and then this is my last

(01:14:47):
one. Discuss how you'll manage the
unexpected. When I wrote this I was actually
more so thinking about like if you have two working parents and
a child is sick from school. Yeah, who takes off what?
Do you do right, right. And it's like, I know that it,
it probably largely depends on the dynamic at that individual's

(01:15:09):
job. And like, you know, are they
flexible? But those things crop up.
And if there's one person who's always managing those unexpected
things, that could end poorly. So at a high level, if you
discuss how you're going to manage those things and divvy it
up, then you can you are equipped the information to

(01:15:30):
bring it to your leader and bossat work or your subordinates so
that they know what's going to happen if something is to arise.
So it does not always fall on one person.
Yep. That was kind of something that
I was going to hit on to is thatI think every relationship is
different and things work for relationships differently,

(01:15:51):
right? So for us, Taylor works so much
that it makes tons of sense thatI take on a lot of the home and
child care. Some people have different work
schedules so they can do a little bit more 5050 after
working hours. And then a lot of people work
and they have extra help. They have nannies or daycare or
something like that. Some people have really hands on

(01:16:13):
grandparents, so they have a lotof people they can spread roles
to. And I think no matter what the
dynamic is within your relationship, that doesn't mean
it's wrong. It just matters how you know you
handle it right. So no matter what your
relationship or your delegation of tasks looks like, as long as

(01:16:36):
you're going about it the right way, we're into it.
I think that we try to keep motherhood positive, right?
Like Megan mentioned in episode 3 that when she starts to have
the stress creep in, she quicklytries to re address that in a
positive light and I think that we both work really hard to do

(01:16:57):
that. If you don't communicate about
some of this default parents stuff early, then it can very
quickly take a huge emotional toll and become overwhelming.
It's not that your feelings in that case aren't valid, it's
just that if you don't talk about them and they build and

(01:17:18):
then your conversation, instead of being a productive 1 to solve
the issue, is more focused around you airing out your
frustrations, which are potentially very valid, but it's
not going to help move the needle and make any change,
which is what you need and want.We are going to ask some
questions of you guys. I think motherhood is about

(01:17:39):
building your village, and Meganand I sometimes have questions.
We're not. I mean, we might come across as
so knowledgeable, but we got questions.
I have two and I'm going to say in fast #1 when do you take the
monitor out of the child's room?Let me know full transparency.
I have a 5 year old and we're still using the monitor.
We cut it for one day and I'm like this is torture and it's

(01:18:01):
for me. It's not because she ever needs
me. I just I need to know when you
took the monitor out of the roomand if your answer is 3 lie to
me. OK, so actually when was the
last time she needed you in the middle of the night?
Can't remember certainly this year, but needs me.
I don't know wants to tell me that she can't find one of her

(01:18:23):
slippers often. So my other question is for
people who have children who like touch their face a lot.
Do you have any tips apart from the nail Polish that you can buy
on Amazon or whatever? Because my oldest touches her
face all the time and I'm reminding her all the time not

(01:18:45):
to do it anymore and it doesn't help.
If you have any other tips, let me know because she touches her
face and I all I see is you're trying to take us all down.
You want us to be in quarantine for two weeks and my mental
health family that's. Good question.
So my question is, at what age did you move from 2 naps to just

(01:19:05):
one nap? Let us know.
We'll make these into social clips.
You can comment on the social clips, we would love them.
You can also comment on whateverplatform you're listening to,
like if you're listening on Spotify, yeah, please do that
too. Put your question in multiple
places. Go crazy.
So I'm going to hit my Molly's question for me.

(01:19:26):
Your question this week is what's your favorite way to
spend time with Reese and what'syour favorite way to spend time
with Brooke? OK, so with race 110% any
experience outside of the house,anything like that?
So if we're going to a petting zoo, we're going to a children's
museum, we're going to a non children's museum, we're going
to an outdoor discovery center. What are the other things that

(01:19:48):
we do? We do so many things outside of
the house. I'm pride myself on the fact
that in the summers we are like never home.
We're always going to do an activity.
Now I'm bored with them so there's only so many things
around me that I can do a Science Center like anything
where she can learn. I love it.
Brooke is not there yet because she's 2.

(01:20:10):
So Brooke I like one-on-one timewith her because I don't get
that a lot. I get one-on-one time with Reese
because she usually wakes up earlier then Brooke.
I have nap time with Reese, Brooke and I don't get that very
much because what I just said. So any sort of like one-on-one
time I can have with her? It's a double edged sword.
Sometimes I'm like this is so amazing and other times I'm

(01:20:31):
clouded with like the my gosh, Ihad this so much with Reese.
I had nothing but one-on-one time with her and I remember
every detail of her younger days.
And I don't feel that way necessarily.
Brooke. So that goes along with you
means a lot. Oh my gosh.
It was sincere of my answer and it was concise.

(01:20:52):
That doesn't happen. Yeah, concise is not.
Strong suit, it sounds. A good description for this show
is what I would say. I thought I was saying like, lay
it on me. I thought you were going to say
for you, Megan. No, I was going to say it is
directly related to why it takesus so long to edit.

(01:21:17):
Yeah. All right, let's get into our
final thoughts. I will go first.
I feel like this episode is giving me feelings very similar
to our first episode. I can tell.
Yeah, I'm not. I'm not happy about it.
Like I did not love our first episode.
I felt like it felt very, I don't know how to describe it.

(01:21:43):
It just didn't seem like we werehaving fun in my opinion.
Did you feel that way at the time, or did you feel that way
in comparison to the other 3? I didn't feel that way in the
moment. I felt that way editing and
looking back on it, I was like, we're not ourselves, we're not
funny, we're not joking, we're not like making light of
everything. Whereas the second, the 2nd and

(01:22:04):
the 3rd we had a blast. We were laughing the whole time.
It was hard to cut stuff out because it was all fun.
And this one I felt like was very serious too.
I also have never yawned so muchin my life.
It's midnight. I felt like this one was so much
more serious and I'm kind of bummed about it.
Yeah, I I can tell that you feelthat way.

(01:22:27):
I can tell because I know you very well.
Not saying that it's going to come across that way to
everybody, but one thing is, is that we're can't always have
light hearted things like this. And that thing is very light
hearted. You know what I mean?
There's no like a skin in the game.
But The thing is, is that this topic, it's like it's, I don't

(01:22:48):
know. We have more.
Feelings about it, you know whatI mean?
Yeah, I think that the first episode and this episode is
really the only conversations we've had so far where I've
reflected on how hard my postpartum journey had been
True. And I'm just not light hearted

(01:23:10):
when I talk about that. And it doesn't feel light
hearted. Like it feels very heavy.
Yeah, I do agree with you. Like we do try to keep it
positive, but like I the verbingthe verbage I used a second ago
is, but I really stand by it like we have a lot of skin on
the game on topics like these. The only way I could picture is
always being lighthearted is if we were always talking about

(01:23:31):
third parties or like things that were really.
Detached. From so it's going to happen.
Yep, that's OK. I agree.
Do you have any other final thoughts for us?
You got to publish it anyway because we got to get to Episode
4. I know, yeah, we got to get in
that top 10%. I am not a bottom 90% person,

(01:23:55):
right? Like Type A have to be good at
everything I do. Yeah, no, no other final
thoughts for me. Help us build a culture with
moms at the forefront by sharingour episodes with your mom
friends who could use a little extra girl time.
We're the ones that keep the world turning, so might as well
have something awesome to do while we do it.

(01:24:15):
If you have a topic or conversation that you'd like to
hear our perspectives on, or you'd like to hear us talk
about, don't hesitate to reach out to us on our socials.
We would love to hear from you. Meet us here every Wednesday for
a new episode, and in the meantime, we'd love to keep the
conversation going with you on Instagram, TikTok and Facebook

(01:24:37):
and YouTube. You can find us there at
Momsense Pub YouTube is Mom Friends Podcast and please be
sure to follow and raid our showon your podcast platform of
choice, please and thank you. Well, we hope you have a great
day and don't forget to quarter your kids grapes.

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