April 29, 2024 • 22 mins
Navigating the tumultuous waters of middle school can feel like an insurmountable challenge, both for the kids experiencing it and the adults guiding them. That's why this episode, featuring mental health therapist Thomas Denton, is a beacon of hope and understanding. Thomas brings to light the complex emotional landscapes of adolescents, illustrating how their actions, from bullying to withdrawal, signify a deeper cry for help. His experience shines through as we dissect the layers of adolescent behavior, providing a roadmap for parents, teachers, and therapists to foster deeper connections with these young individuals.
Amidst the ever-pervasive influence of social media, our conversation takes a critical look at its impact on the impressionable minds of middle schoolers. With Thomas's expertise, we unravel strategies for developing self-control and emotional regulation, emphasizing the vital role of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) and the importance of crafting a therapeutic environment that invites openness. This episode isn't just a discussion; it's a heartfelt exchange filled with gratitude for our listeners and the stories that enrich 'The Mosaic Life with Laura W.' Join us as we navigate these essential topics, providing support, insight, and a touch of transformation.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Laura (00:12):
Good morning.
I'm your host, lauraBaden-Kanesh, owner and CEO of
Mosaic Business Consulting, andyou're listening to the Mosaic
Life with Laura W.
Mosaic is a bunch of piecesthat, when put together, make up
the whole ina really beautifulway, and this show plans to
discuss the various pieces ofthe business throughout
different industries and howthese pieces, when put together,
(00:36):
can help develop a better, moreefficient and effective running
of your business.
To reach me, contact bizradious.
Running of your business.
To reach me contact bizradious.
And our guest this morning isThomas Denton, and I got to tell
you this is going to be aninteresting story and I can't
wait till you get to hear him.
His journey has really beenheartfelt and he brings with him
(00:58):
a wealth of personal andprofessional experiences to the
table.
As a mental health therapist,he works with middle school
children a really tough age formost.
Everybody got to tell you,middle school not a happy camper
to help them overcome theirchallenges with managing their
(01:18):
emotions, anxiety, depression,performance and testing taking
angst and relationshipchallenges.
Thomas received his bachelor'sand master's degree in social
work from Western CarolinaUniversity.
He completed his internships atElida Homes and the Black
Mountain Academy and has workedas a direct care staff at the
(01:42):
Autism Society of North Carolinaand through his own practice,
he's worked with middle schoolchildren at Highland Medical
Associates.
I think I got that wrong.
If I got it wrong, he I think Igot it right, but if I got it
wrong, thomas will fix it.
Anyway, it is such a pleasureto have you here, thomas.
Thank you so much for joiningus Wow.
Thomas (02:01):
Thank you so much, laura.
Thank you so much for joiningus.
Wow, thank you so much, laura.
No, you got it right, it wasall right.
Laura (02:07):
Thank you Absolutely.
You obviously have a wealth ofexperience in working with
children and adolescents andsuch, and I'm just wondering
what prompted you to choose tobecome a therapist in the first
place.
Thomas (02:22):
Yeah, it's so interesting hearing my past be
formally introduced in a waylike this.
Yeah, yeah.
So I started working withchildren and adolescents when I
was a child.
As a 15 year old, not knowingwhat I should do with my whole
life, I started as a campcounselor at a camp called Camp
(02:45):
Thunderbird in Lake Wylie, andthat was like one of the first
starting points of why do I likeworking with kids and, in my
starting place, of how I gothere.
Laura (03:01):
And so was it the camp experience of working with youth
that you thought this is reallyfun or, you know, were there.
Thomas (03:12):
You know what prompted you to choose the social work
path versus going into someother industry in your life in
your life, yeah, so being a campcounselor is a small stepping
stone and I realized I likedworking with kids and
adolescents there.
But what really prompted me tostart thinking about social work
(03:34):
and being a therapist is havinga therapist on my own.
So I was at Fork Union MilitaryAcademy for five years of my
high school and part of mymiddle school years.
It was an all-male boardingschool, really difficult, and I
(03:56):
was, in a short summarizedversion, sent there because of
quote-unquote behavioralproblems and academic problems.
But really that's where Ireally started to take my own
therapy process seriously.
I had been in therapy beforegoing to Fork Union, but after
(04:18):
going there is when I reallystarted taking therapy seriously
for myself and over time, whathelped me create what I'm doing
now?
I'm being a therapist myselfnow.
Laura (04:30):
Yeah, and it sounds like there were.
You know, you talk about likebehavior problems and adolescent
problems, academic problems,when we hear that sometimes
people think, in particular withbehavior problems, oh, the
kid's acting out all the time.
But there are other problemsthat young children, you know,
(04:52):
young adolescents, tweens andadolescents all experience and
it may manifest itself indifferent ways.
What are some of those things?
That ways that people struggleor that kids struggle, you know,
behaviorally or emotionally, orall that stuff or emotionally
(05:16):
or all that stuff.
Thomas (05:20):
Yeah, I was just at a conference for school counseling
yesterday and what I keepcoming back to in my practice
when I work with kids is thatall behavior is really
communication.
How is this kid trying to gettheir needs met?
How?
Laura (05:33):
is this kid trying to get their needs?
Thomas (05:34):
met and whether it's yelling at a teacher or refusing
to do schoolwork or whatever,this kid is trying to get a need
met, and so we all kind of Idon't know think about.
What are those most commonbehaviors?
when we think about adolescentsand I think about bullying
(05:55):
behaviors.
When we think about adolescenceand I think about bullying and
I think about conflicts withpeers, I think about talking
back to their parents, refusingto do schoolwork.
These are all societal, likebehaviors quote unquote that are
deemed bad, quote unquote.
You know, but I kind of see itas we are all, as humans, just
(06:16):
trying to get our needs met, andkids that don't really have
control over anything, reallyvery, very little, are just
trying to get their needs metwith these behaviors that come
out in different ways.
Laura (06:31):
And when you talk about bullying, for example, are you
talking about they are thebulliers or they are being
bullied?
Thomas (06:39):
I've worked with both.
Yeah, I've seen both sides ofit and it's easy from the
outside perspective, whetheryou're a parent or an adult,
looking at a kid's situation oryour kid's being bullied, it's
easy to be like, oh, howterrible of this little human to
(07:00):
be saying these things or doingthese things to my kid or
another kid.
But to see it from the otherperspective for a second and
seeing it in like the therapy,in the therapy sessions, um,
these kids are just like everyother kid, trying to get their
(07:21):
own need met and a lot of timesthey come from just chaotic
households and um, and having tolive in environments where they
have no say over reallyanything and they struggle to
feel safe in these environments.
And so, yeah, just kind ofseeing it from that different
perspective as a therapist haskind of helped me work through
(07:45):
some of these societal beliefsof bad kids quote unquote or bad
behavior.
Laura (07:53):
Yeah, yeah, and you know, when we talk about anxiety, I
think a lot of the time we thinkabout a person who's nervous,
who on edge, who.
But I sense from what you'resharing that anxiety manifests
itself in different ways withdifferent kids.
(08:15):
So what are some of the otherthings that, like we as society
should see and maybe thenimagine ourselves in that
person's shoes differently, like, what are some of the things we
signs?
We should look out forsomething along those lines.
Thomas (08:37):
Yeah, yeah, you hit it on the head really.
Like anxiety can come out in somany different ways.
We all have, I feel, like ageneral sense of like what a
panic attack is or high anxietyin a person, and it is like the
shaking or nervousness orwhatever.
But really anxiety can come outin perfectionism too um where
(09:01):
someone is killing it, like theyhave straight a's and they're
doing everything that they'redoing, but on the inside they
are so overwhelmed with anxietyof I need to do this, I need do
that or someone's going to bedisappointed.
That's a small example.
Anxiety can come out inbullying.
Anxiety can come out in talkingback.
Laura (09:24):
Anxiety can come back in I'm not going to school and so,
yeah, we often have a narrowviewpoint of what anxiety is for
a young person, and it's muchmore as well, and they're
(10:01):
learning how to deal with thosebody changes, the societal
influences and demands of them,and at the same time it seems
like the studies are ramping upa bit right.
The competitive nature ofstudying and learning and
growing seems to be on fastforward, if you will right.
Thomas (10:19):
Yeah, for sure.
And then throw social media inthe mix and boom.
Laura (10:23):
Oh gosh.
Thomas (10:24):
Yeah, do we want to get into all that?
Laura (10:26):
I don't know.
Go for it if you want to.
Thomas (10:29):
Oh goodness, it's so much.
Laura (10:31):
Yeah, yeah, so what has social media done to increase
anxiety for people?
Oh wow, Maybe the question iswhat hasn't it done, right yeah?
Thomas (10:43):
Yeah, really.
What points has it not touchedon to increase anxiety for young
people?
Yeah, I really, because I thinksocial media started early on.
They were talking about, likehow young people compare
themselves or increase in onlinebullying or things like that
(11:08):
people have is so much more thanany other generational
generation before, and I I thinkthey say that every generation
but um.
But really, like, the vastarray of dangerous and unsafe
content that they have access to24 7 um is really scary for me
(11:31):
actually.
Laura (11:33):
Can you give me an example of what would be
considered?
You know, maybe differentexamples, if you will, quick
ones about social media and itsinfluence on this generation,
this population of middleschoolers yeah, yeah, to give a
few like um, there's like uhviolence online, whether it's
(11:58):
shootings, mass shootings umsexual content that are of
underage people or adults thatkids should not have access to,
of course, and the access totalk to unsafe people.
Thomas (12:14):
I unfortunately have to have those conversations with
young people like why it's notokay to talk to a much older man
that's reaching out to youonline and and so, yeah, the
access is is really the scarypart, and then also having to
coach the parents around hey,this is why your kid shouldn't
(12:38):
have access to it, and maybethis is contributing to some of
the behaviors they're exhibiting.
Um, because they can't processthat information.
If they're seeing violence ontheir phone or sexual content,
kids' brains aren't developed.
There's reasons why we haveconsent ages and things like
(12:58):
that, and so, yeah, just theaccess to a mass array of unsafe
content is a lot of whatcontributes to the social media
harm that it does to kids.
Laura (13:14):
Yeah, yeah.
And with that, though, how isit then that you are able to
help these young people withwith their ability to go from
whatever manifestation of thebehaviors might be their anxiety
(13:35):
might be exhibiting, to havingmore self-control and regulation
, as you were talking aboutemotional regulation.
Or you know how do you help inthat process, or you know how do
you help in that process.
Thomas (13:51):
Yeah, so I primarily like to work out of a framework
called DBT or DialecticalBehavioral Therapy, and so
that's broken up into fourdifferent sections interpersonal
effectiveness, emotionalregulation, mindfulness and
distress tolerance.
But really where I start a lotof the times is just for a kid
to feel safe in differentenvironments.
(14:12):
Because I mean, if any of usare in an environment and we
don't feel safe, we're not goingto be able to be productive or
think critically or make gooddecisions for ourselves.
If we are in that level ofpanic, overwhelm, this is unsafe
(14:32):
.
I need to get out of here.
We're not going to be able todo what we need to do for
ourselves or take care ofourselves.
So a lot of times for kids I'mstarting with how do we get to a
space where you feel safe,let's say, at school?
Laura (14:50):
Yeah.
Thomas (14:50):
And then building up coping skills around.
Hey, you're having conflictwith friends like what can we do
to better manage relationships?
Laura (15:04):
Well, and, and when you're talking about, you know,
building that safe space.
How do you build that safespace in your office?
Let's say, when you're dealingwith a student, a young person,
and they're, you know they'recoming to your office, not
necessarily, you're notnecessarily seeing them in the
(15:25):
school setting.
Let's say, how do you createthat safe space so they can then
share and, you know, work onthings and begin moving in a
different direction?
Thomas (15:40):
Yeah, yeah, I um, it's a.
It's a lot of different thingsI mean I even think about, like
the color of my paint in myoffice and the fidgets I have
here and um yeah, thinkingthrough those small details is
important because if, let's say,you have, your office is red
and you're going in for therapy,it's like what the heck is this
(16:02):
place, you know?
Laura (16:02):
Yeah, yeah, you know exactly Wow.
Thomas (16:10):
But also, like if you're, if your office is all
white, for example, and all ofyour things are white and you're
wearing a nice white buttondown shirt for, for example, um,
that can be offsetting too.
Like, oh, this is like tooprofessional and, uh, trans or
sterile, yeah, yeah, like I needto be clean walking in here, um
, yeah, and so like thinkingthrough even those small things
(16:33):
on the therapist side I I wantto be really intentional about.
But beyond that, beyond, like,the physical environment space,
I have a lot of kids that I meetfor the first time and they're
like nope, I'm not talking toyou.
Laura (16:49):
Right.
I can only imagine that's whatI was thinking Like.
How do you get a teenager toopen up or a tween to open up,
even Right?
Thomas (16:57):
Yeah, it's, for some it is.
I've had, I've had sessionswith some teenagers where
they've never had a space.
That's been this for them.
Like, for example, they'vealways had a parent or guardian
in on their meetings with theirmed management provider, or they
have tried to open up to aschool staff and they shut them
(17:21):
down or whatever.
And so I've had some teenagerswhere they come in and meeting
for the very first time and juststart opening up, completely
crying and being like I have somuch.
I mean it's just showing inevery way that they can I am
handling so much right now andthen walking into my space and
(17:45):
feeling comfortable from themoment they step in, but then,
like I said, I have others thatnope, thomas, I am not talking
to you and what I is.
I start from a very validating,strengths based perspective,
(18:05):
like, yeah, therapy is hard andscary and um, because honestly,
I remember for my young selfbeing in a therapy office and
being like no, not going tohappen, and I'm scared and I
can't talk about these things,um, and so really validating how
(18:26):
vulnerable you have to be inthat situation.
And if they don't want to talk,I'm not here to force anyone to
talk um, and so I uh, sometimeslean into parent coaching and
working more with the parent,and sometimes I lean into just
holding the space of yeah,therapy is really hard to get
(18:48):
started.
So, like I'm going to pull outsome coping skills Uno cards and
if we want to talk about theprompts on the coping skill Uno
cards, we can, or we could justplay Uno.
You know that's not all we dofor the session and a lot of
times when yeah, just imagine.
Laura (19:11):
Yeah, oh, I got paid to play Uno.
Thomas (19:15):
No, no, I would say 99% of the time.
When a kid is just like whiteknuckling it, I'm not talking to
you when I show them.
It's okay to feel thosefeelings.
It's okay to feel scared aboutthis.
Let's start with a small step,like just interacting in a game
(19:37):
type of format.
99% of the time they open up tome, or I mean at least start
talking and engaging with meearly in the session.
And so, yeah, there's certaintechniques and little tricks
that I use to get young ones toopen up to me, but sometimes
(19:58):
it's difficult, yeah.
Laura (19:59):
Yeah, I was just thinking .
You know, working with the thatpopulation seems to be like
working with younger kids seemsto be easier in many respects,
cause there's not as many layersof walls on the onion, if you
will.
And and so it's when you starthitting the tweens and the teens
(20:21):
.
I'm like, oh, that's so hard insome ways.
So I really appreciate whatyou're going through and more
power to you, thomas.
Thomas (20:30):
No, laura, that's.
That's my favorite age middleschoolers high schoolers.
It is some of the.
It was the most difficult partof my life so far.
I mean, I had a terrible middleschool experience and so it's
really hard, and I love workingthrough a lot of these things
(20:51):
with young people.
Laura (20:52):
Fantastic, wow.
Well, if people wanted to getto know more about you, get to
learn more about your practice,where you are, how they might be
able to seek your services, howcan they reach out to you?
Thomas (21:06):
Yeah, so I have a business phone number that you
can reach me, call or text.
That's at 828-513-9292.
And I have a website,guided-stepcom, and I'm opening
my full-time private practice inJuly, which I am so excited
(21:26):
about.
Yeah, so that's me.
Laura (21:29):
Okay.
Well, this is exciting.
This is really really exciting,and I really want to thank you
so much for sharing what you'vebrought out today.
I'm certain we are touching onso many people's lives today, so
thank you so much for sharingwhat you've brought out today.
I'm certain we are touching onso many people's lives today, so
thank you very much.
Thomas (21:45):
Yes, laura, thank you so much for having me.
Laura (21:48):
Yeah, and I want to thank you for listening to the Mosaic
Life with Laura W.
You can listen to this episodeagain and get this great content
, or listen to other great hostsand their shows by going to
bizradious and click on shows.
Thanks so much for listening.
Have a great rest of your day.
Good morning.
I'm your host, lauraBaden-Kanesh, owner and CEO of
Mosaic Business Consulting, andyou're listening to the Mosaic
Life with Laura W.
Mosaic is a bunch of piecesthat, when put together, make up
the whole ina really beautifulway, and this show plans to
discuss the various pieces ofthe business throughout
different industries and howthese pieces, when put together,
(00:36):
can help develop a better, moreefficient and effective running
of your business.
To reach me, contact bizradious.
Running of your business.
To reach me contact bizradious.
And our guest this morning isThomas Denton, and I got to tell
you this is going to be aninteresting story and I can't
wait till you get to hear him.
His journey has really beenheartfelt and he brings with him
(00:58):
a wealth of personal andprofessional experiences to the
table.
As a mental health therapist,he works with middle school
children a really tough age formost.
Everybody got to tell you,middle school not a happy camper
to help them overcome theirchallenges with managing their
(01:18):
emotions, anxiety, depression,performance and testing taking
angst and relationshipchallenges.
Thomas received his bachelor'sand master's degree in social
work from Western CarolinaUniversity.
He completed his internships atElida Homes and the Black
Mountain Academy and has workedas a direct care staff at the
(01:42):
Autism Society of North Carolinaand through his own practice,
he's worked with middle schoolchildren at Highland Medical
Associates.
I think I got that wrong.
If I got it wrong, he I think Igot it right, but if I got it
wrong, thomas will fix it.
Anyway, it is such a pleasureto have you here, thomas.
Thank you so much for joiningus Wow.
Thomas (02:01):
Thank you so much, laura.
Thank you so much for joiningus.
Wow, thank you so much, laura.
No, you got it right, it wasall right.
Laura (02:07):
Thank you Absolutely.
You obviously have a wealth ofexperience in working with
children and adolescents andsuch, and I'm just wondering
what prompted you to choose tobecome a therapist in the first
place.
Thomas (02:22):
Yeah, it's so interesting hearing my past be
formally introduced in a waylike this.
Yeah, yeah.
So I started working withchildren and adolescents when I
was a child.
As a 15 year old, not knowingwhat I should do with my whole
life, I started as a campcounselor at a camp called Camp
(02:45):
Thunderbird in Lake Wylie, andthat was like one of the first
starting points of why do I likeworking with kids and, in my
starting place, of how I gothere.
Laura (03:01):
And so was it the camp experience of working with youth
that you thought this is reallyfun or, you know, were there.
Thomas (03:12):
You know what prompted you to choose the social work
path versus going into someother industry in your life in
your life, yeah, so being a campcounselor is a small stepping
stone and I realized I likedworking with kids and
adolescents there.
But what really prompted me tostart thinking about social work
(03:34):
and being a therapist is havinga therapist on my own.
So I was at Fork Union MilitaryAcademy for five years of my
high school and part of mymiddle school years.
It was an all-male boardingschool, really difficult, and I
(03:56):
was, in a short summarizedversion, sent there because of
quote-unquote behavioralproblems and academic problems.
But really that's where Ireally started to take my own
therapy process seriously.
I had been in therapy beforegoing to Fork Union, but after
(04:18):
going there is when I reallystarted taking therapy seriously
for myself and over time, whathelped me create what I'm doing
now?
I'm being a therapist myselfnow.
Laura (04:30):
Yeah, and it sounds like there were.
You know, you talk about likebehavior problems and adolescent
problems, academic problems,when we hear that sometimes
people think, in particular withbehavior problems, oh, the
kid's acting out all the time.
But there are other problemsthat young children, you know,
(04:52):
young adolescents, tweens andadolescents all experience and
it may manifest itself indifferent ways.
What are some of those things?
That ways that people struggleor that kids struggle, you know,
behaviorally or emotionally, orall that stuff or emotionally
(05:16):
or all that stuff.
Thomas (05:20):
Yeah, I was just at a conference for school counseling
yesterday and what I keepcoming back to in my practice
when I work with kids is thatall behavior is really
communication.
How is this kid trying to gettheir needs met?
How?
Laura (05:33):
is this kid trying to get their needs?
Thomas (05:34):
met and whether it's yelling at a teacher or refusing
to do schoolwork or whatever,this kid is trying to get a need
met, and so we all kind of Idon't know think about.
What are those most commonbehaviors?
when we think about adolescentsand I think about bullying
(05:55):
behaviors.
When we think about adolescenceand I think about bullying and
I think about conflicts withpeers, I think about talking
back to their parents, refusingto do schoolwork.
These are all societal, likebehaviors quote unquote that are
deemed bad, quote unquote.
You know, but I kind of see itas we are all, as humans, just
(06:16):
trying to get our needs met, andkids that don't really have
control over anything, reallyvery, very little, are just
trying to get their needs metwith these behaviors that come
out in different ways.
Laura (06:31):
And when you talk about bullying, for example, are you
talking about they are thebulliers or they are being
bullied?
Thomas (06:39):
I've worked with both.
Yeah, I've seen both sides ofit and it's easy from the
outside perspective, whetheryou're a parent or an adult,
looking at a kid's situation oryour kid's being bullied, it's
easy to be like, oh, howterrible of this little human to
(07:00):
be saying these things or doingthese things to my kid or
another kid.
But to see it from the otherperspective for a second and
seeing it in like the therapy,in the therapy sessions, um,
these kids are just like everyother kid, trying to get their
(07:21):
own need met and a lot of timesthey come from just chaotic
households and um, and having tolive in environments where they
have no say over reallyanything and they struggle to
feel safe in these environments.
And so, yeah, just kind ofseeing it from that different
perspective as a therapist haskind of helped me work through
(07:45):
some of these societal beliefsof bad kids quote unquote or bad
behavior.
Laura (07:53):
Yeah, yeah, and you know, when we talk about anxiety, I
think a lot of the time we thinkabout a person who's nervous,
who on edge, who.
But I sense from what you'resharing that anxiety manifests
itself in different ways withdifferent kids.
(08:15):
So what are some of the otherthings that, like we as society
should see and maybe thenimagine ourselves in that
person's shoes differently, like, what are some of the things we
signs?
We should look out forsomething along those lines.
Thomas (08:37):
Yeah, yeah, you hit it on the head really.
Like anxiety can come out in somany different ways.
We all have, I feel, like ageneral sense of like what a
panic attack is or high anxietyin a person, and it is like the
shaking or nervousness orwhatever.
But really anxiety can come outin perfectionism too um where
(09:01):
someone is killing it, like theyhave straight a's and they're
doing everything that they'redoing, but on the inside they
are so overwhelmed with anxietyof I need to do this, I need do
that or someone's going to bedisappointed.
That's a small example.
Anxiety can come out inbullying.
Anxiety can come out in talkingback.
Laura (09:24):
Anxiety can come back in I'm not going to school and so,
yeah, we often have a narrowviewpoint of what anxiety is for
a young person, and it's muchmore as well, and they're
(10:01):
learning how to deal with thosebody changes, the societal
influences and demands of them,and at the same time it seems
like the studies are ramping upa bit right.
The competitive nature ofstudying and learning and
growing seems to be on fastforward, if you will right.
Thomas (10:19):
Yeah, for sure.
And then throw social media inthe mix and boom.
Laura (10:23):
Oh gosh.
Thomas (10:24):
Yeah, do we want to get into all that?
Laura (10:26):
I don't know.
Go for it if you want to.
Thomas (10:29):
Oh goodness, it's so much.
Laura (10:31):
Yeah, yeah, so what has social media done to increase
anxiety for people?
Oh wow, Maybe the question iswhat hasn't it done, right yeah?
Thomas (10:43):
Yeah, really.
What points has it not touchedon to increase anxiety for young
people?
Yeah, I really, because I thinksocial media started early on.
They were talking about, likehow young people compare
themselves or increase in onlinebullying or things like that
(11:08):
people have is so much more thanany other generational
generation before, and I I thinkthey say that every generation
but um.
But really, like, the vastarray of dangerous and unsafe
content that they have access to24 7 um is really scary for me
(11:31):
actually.
Laura (11:33):
Can you give me an example of what would be
considered?
You know, maybe differentexamples, if you will, quick
ones about social media and itsinfluence on this generation,
this population of middleschoolers yeah, yeah, to give a
few like um, there's like uhviolence online, whether it's
(11:58):
shootings, mass shootings umsexual content that are of
underage people or adults thatkids should not have access to,
of course, and the access totalk to unsafe people.
Thomas (12:14):
I unfortunately have to have those conversations with
young people like why it's notokay to talk to a much older man
that's reaching out to youonline and and so, yeah, the
access is is really the scarypart, and then also having to
coach the parents around hey,this is why your kid shouldn't
(12:38):
have access to it, and maybethis is contributing to some of
the behaviors they're exhibiting.
Um, because they can't processthat information.
If they're seeing violence ontheir phone or sexual content,
kids' brains aren't developed.
There's reasons why we haveconsent ages and things like
(12:58):
that, and so, yeah, just theaccess to a mass array of unsafe
content is a lot of whatcontributes to the social media
harm that it does to kids.
Laura (13:14):
Yeah, yeah.
And with that, though, how isit then that you are able to
help these young people withwith their ability to go from
whatever manifestation of thebehaviors might be their anxiety
(13:35):
might be exhibiting, to havingmore self-control and regulation
, as you were talking aboutemotional regulation.
Or you know how do you help inthat process, or you know how do
you help in that process.
Thomas (13:51):
Yeah, so I primarily like to work out of a framework
called DBT or DialecticalBehavioral Therapy, and so
that's broken up into fourdifferent sections interpersonal
effectiveness, emotionalregulation, mindfulness and
distress tolerance.
But really where I start a lotof the times is just for a kid
to feel safe in differentenvironments.
(14:12):
Because I mean, if any of usare in an environment and we
don't feel safe, we're not goingto be able to be productive or
think critically or make gooddecisions for ourselves.
If we are in that level ofpanic, overwhelm, this is unsafe
(14:32):
.
I need to get out of here.
We're not going to be able todo what we need to do for
ourselves or take care ofourselves.
So a lot of times for kids I'mstarting with how do we get to a
space where you feel safe,let's say, at school?
Laura (14:50):
Yeah.
Thomas (14:50):
And then building up coping skills around.
Hey, you're having conflictwith friends like what can we do
to better manage relationships?
Laura (15:04):
Well, and, and when you're talking about, you know,
building that safe space.
How do you build that safespace in your office?
Let's say, when you're dealingwith a student, a young person,
and they're, you know they'recoming to your office, not
necessarily, you're notnecessarily seeing them in the
(15:25):
school setting.
Let's say, how do you createthat safe space so they can then
share and, you know, work onthings and begin moving in a
different direction?
Thomas (15:40):
Yeah, yeah, I um, it's a.
It's a lot of different thingsI mean I even think about, like
the color of my paint in myoffice and the fidgets I have
here and um yeah, thinkingthrough those small details is
important because if, let's say,you have, your office is red
and you're going in for therapy,it's like what the heck is this
(16:02):
place, you know?
Laura (16:02):
Yeah, yeah, you know exactly Wow.
Thomas (16:10):
But also, like if you're, if your office is all
white, for example, and all ofyour things are white and you're
wearing a nice white buttondown shirt for, for example, um,
that can be offsetting too.
Like, oh, this is like tooprofessional and, uh, trans or
sterile, yeah, yeah, like I needto be clean walking in here, um
, yeah, and so like thinkingthrough even those small things
(16:33):
on the therapist side I I wantto be really intentional about.
But beyond that, beyond, like,the physical environment space,
I have a lot of kids that I meetfor the first time and they're
like nope, I'm not talking toyou.
Laura (16:49):
Right.
I can only imagine that's whatI was thinking Like.
How do you get a teenager toopen up or a tween to open up,
even Right?
Thomas (16:57):
Yeah, it's, for some it is.
I've had, I've had sessionswith some teenagers where
they've never had a space.
That's been this for them.
Like, for example, they'vealways had a parent or guardian
in on their meetings with theirmed management provider, or they
have tried to open up to aschool staff and they shut them
(17:21):
down or whatever.
And so I've had some teenagerswhere they come in and meeting
for the very first time and juststart opening up, completely
crying and being like I have somuch.
I mean it's just showing inevery way that they can I am
handling so much right now andthen walking into my space and
(17:45):
feeling comfortable from themoment they step in, but then,
like I said, I have others thatnope, thomas, I am not talking
to you and what I is.
I start from a very validating,strengths based perspective,
(18:05):
like, yeah, therapy is hard andscary and um, because honestly,
I remember for my young selfbeing in a therapy office and
being like no, not going tohappen, and I'm scared and I
can't talk about these things,um, and so really validating how
(18:26):
vulnerable you have to be inthat situation.
And if they don't want to talk,I'm not here to force anyone to
talk um, and so I uh, sometimeslean into parent coaching and
working more with the parent,and sometimes I lean into just
holding the space of yeah,therapy is really hard to get
(18:48):
started.
So, like I'm going to pull outsome coping skills Uno cards and
if we want to talk about theprompts on the coping skill Uno
cards, we can, or we could justplay Uno.
You know that's not all we dofor the session and a lot of
times when yeah, just imagine.
Laura (19:11):
Yeah, oh, I got paid to play Uno.
Thomas (19:15):
No, no, I would say 99% of the time.
When a kid is just like whiteknuckling it, I'm not talking to
you when I show them.
It's okay to feel thosefeelings.
It's okay to feel scared aboutthis.
Let's start with a small step,like just interacting in a game
(19:37):
type of format.
99% of the time they open up tome, or I mean at least start
talking and engaging with meearly in the session.
And so, yeah, there's certaintechniques and little tricks
that I use to get young ones toopen up to me, but sometimes
(19:58):
it's difficult, yeah.
Laura (19:59):
Yeah, I was just thinking .
You know, working with the thatpopulation seems to be like
working with younger kids seemsto be easier in many respects,
cause there's not as many layersof walls on the onion, if you
will.
And and so it's when you starthitting the tweens and the teens
(20:21):
.
I'm like, oh, that's so hard insome ways.
So I really appreciate whatyou're going through and more
power to you, thomas.
Thomas (20:30):
No, laura, that's.
That's my favorite age middleschoolers high schoolers.
It is some of the.
It was the most difficult partof my life so far.
I mean, I had a terrible middleschool experience and so it's
really hard, and I love workingthrough a lot of these things
(20:51):
with young people.
Laura (20:52):
Fantastic, wow.
Well, if people wanted to getto know more about you, get to
learn more about your practice,where you are, how they might be
able to seek your services, howcan they reach out to you?
Thomas (21:06):
Yeah, so I have a business phone number that you
can reach me, call or text.
That's at 828-513-9292.
And I have a website,guided-stepcom, and I'm opening
my full-time private practice inJuly, which I am so excited
(21:26):
about.
Yeah, so that's me.
Laura (21:29):
Okay.
Well, this is exciting.
This is really really exciting,and I really want to thank you
so much for sharing what you'vebrought out today.
I'm certain we are touching onso many people's lives today, so
thank you so much for sharingwhat you've brought out today.
I'm certain we are touching onso many people's lives today, so
thank you very much.
Thomas (21:45):
Yes, laura, thank you so much for having me.
Laura (21:48):
Yeah, and I want to thank you for listening to the Mosaic
Life with Laura W.
You can listen to this episodeagain and get this great content
, or listen to other great hostsand their shows by going to
bizradious and click on shows.
Thanks so much for listening.
Have a great rest of your day.
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