May 26, 2025 • 25 mins
Loved & Lovable ❤️💗
As a kid, you likely knew you were loved. But did you also know that you were lovable no matter what?
We didn’t always get that message growing up, as we’ve since learned about one another. But we are all worthy of love, just as we are. So how do we internalize this as adults, and pass along the right message to our kids?
With our tenth episode, Loved & Lovable, we’re introducing a new arc at The Most Important Thing, using Brené Brown’s Wholehearted Parenting Manifesto as our compass.
"Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my words and actions — the lessons on love are in how I treat you and how I treat myself."
So, how might we distinguish between loved and lovable within our family?
❤️ Loved = the feeling that someone is deeply here for you.
It’s love coming toward you—through care, protection, and presence.
- “I love you, and I’ll hold your hand at the doctor.”
- “I love you, and I believe in you, even when you’re scared.”
It’s not just words—it’s follow-through, especially when things are messy.
💗 Lovable = the belief that you are worthy of love, just as you are.
It’s not earned through behavior, helpfulness, or performance—it’s part of a wholehearted identity.
🎙️ In this episode
We talk about what it means to “know that you are lovable” and play around with some language experiments—
- Replacing “I love you, but…” with “I love you, therefore…”
- Being more descriptive with how we express love
We also explore presence, repair, and what it means to be a family that doesn’t just feel loved—but where each member believes they’re lovable.
This one’s softer, slower, and full of heart. Thanks for being here with us.
With so much love,
Danielle + Greg
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and
lovable. You will learn this from my
words and actions. The lessons on love are in how I
treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of
worthiness. You will learn that you are
worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me.
Practice self compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
(00:22):
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting
ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability.
We will share our stories of struggle and strength.
There will always be room in ourhouse for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with
ourselves first, then with each other.
(00:43):
We will set and respect boundaries.
We will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance.
Rest and play will be family values as well as family
practices. You will learn accountability
and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by
watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
(01:03):
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice
gratitude. I want you to feel joy, so
together we will learn how to bevulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw
from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief.
I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit
(01:25):
with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and danceand create.
We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other.
No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that
I can give to you is to live andlove with my whole heart and to
(01:46):
dare greatly. I will not teach or love or show
you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will
always hold sacred the gift of seeing you.
Truly, deeply seeing you. Welcome to the most important
thing. I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
(02:07):
And I'm Greg Neufeld, and together we're exploring how
ambitious busy families can build culture at home.
Because after all, family is themost important thing.
Well, that was something new. Yeah, cold open as you like to
call. It love me a cold open.
So what we just read? The Wholehearted Parenting
Manifesto by Brené Brown. Pretty cool, a lot of stuff in
(02:30):
there. Wow.
Yeah, so she is a household namearound here, and maybe some of
you know her from her books or her Ted talk on vulnerability,
but she's a grounded theory researcher who I love.
And this manifesto is her personal commitment to parenting
with intention. It's also an invitation to us
all to reflect on how our behavior and self treatment
(02:55):
influence others understanding of love and belonging in our
home. And it's also been in our home
for about 5 years now on the refrigerator.
But I think this is the first time that I've truly inspected
this piece of work, and I'm so glad that you're bringing us
here. Can you talk some more about
(03:15):
where we're going? Yeah, absolutely.
So our last episode was called back to base camp, and there we
talked about the emotional wiring of a home.
And in thinking about it further, this manifesto to me is
exactly that. It's not exhaustive, but it
needs so many of these invisiblesystems that make our family
(03:36):
feel safe, seen, and worthy. So while not perfect, I do
believe that Brene is impeccablewith her words and I would like
to propose that we break down this manifesto together, one
element at a time, starting withtoday's episode on Loved and
Lovable to better understand howwe can help each member of our
family to feel safe, seen and worthy in our home.
(04:00):
What do you think? It's a beautiful mission.
I'm totally on board. This is a great juxtaposition
too, I think from our first eight episodes, which are very
crisp and have defined edges in terms of experimentation and
opportunities to connect throughaction.
I think we might find ourselves sitting in feeling and
(04:24):
observation. But I think it's going to be
worth it, and I'm excited to take the plunge here as we enter
what feels like our second set of episodes.
Yeah, let's see how it works out.
But in the last episode, I askedus this question, what flows
through the walls of our home. And I do think that Renee says
(04:46):
it well. So we might as well start here.
That's right. Shall we dig in?
Let's dig in. OK great.
So the first statements above all else, I want you to know
that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my
words and actions. The lessons on love are in how I
treat you and how I treat myself.
(05:11):
So at the outset, the first thing that I hear is it's not
just about how we treat one another, but that it really does
start with how we treat ourselves.
That's right, kids are are mirrors and typically when we're
seeing something we don't like in them, it's something that we
don't like in us. So showing the world, especially
(05:32):
our children, that we are loved and lovable and believing that
is a real opportunity. Absolutely.
I believe that she was specific in her distinction between being
loved and being lovable, and so I would love to unpack that.
I don't think anyone's ever asked her the difference, but I
(05:53):
did some contemplating and researching on the difference
and I've come up with something that I'd love for us to
consider. So what this idea of being loved
speaks to a feeling of somethingdone to you that the members of
your family love you. And I would never try to
(06:18):
encapsulate the word love. We'll leave that to the poets.
But I do think that when it comes to our family and we tell
each other and our family, we say we love each other all the
time, maybe even too much, honestly, maybe.
But when I think about what I mean by that, I think that it
(06:39):
really is about nurturing one another, protecting and caring
for one another. And I think that it would
behoove us as a family to make the implicit explicit here and
to follow up with the words thatwe say all the time, like I love
(07:02):
you and say I love you. Therefore, I promise when you're
at the orthodontist today to hold your hand.
True story. True story.
Jade was a champ today. I like where you're going with
this. It helps unpack on both sides
(07:24):
what that emotion really means in the moment.
Yeah, I think that love is a very complex thing.
And so there's absolutely this feeling of love that one can
embody or that one can experience from their family
members. Today I asked Jade.
I said, do you know that I love you?
(07:45):
And she said yes. And I said, do you love me?
She said yeah. And then I said, do you know
what it means that I love you? And she said no.
And I said, well, what do you mean when you say you love me?
She said, I don't know. And while on the one hand, I
think that that's just fine because we know we love each
other deeply, you know, but I think that it could be really
(08:11):
helpful. I guess I want to be more
specific when I use the term I love you because something that
has come up for me as I've been researching and reflecting upon
this episode is that I often sayI love you when I just give
someone a squeeze. But I will also say I love you,
(08:33):
but please don't touch that. I love you, but please stop
dancing when you're supposed to be getting dressed.
And I think I need a better termfor that.
But until I come up with a better term for that, I just
want to stop saying I love you. But it's.
(08:56):
A great notice. Thank you and I think that it
will help me if I can start saying I love you and therefore
I promise to care for you in this way.
Sure. When you think about the ways
that you love our children, whatwhat comes up for you as far as
(09:20):
promises like I love you, therefore I promise to.
Therefore, I promise to keep yousafe.
I promise to keep your evolving needs in mind as a parent.
I promise to see you and who youare, not who I impose on you or
(09:41):
project on you. I love you and I'm present here
listening to you. Not I love you, meaning I'll
love you later, but right now I can't love you or right now I
can't devote attention to you. So I think it's that open
chested stance, you know, arms out, bent down at their level.
(10:04):
That's what I'm trying to convey.
That's what I think of. So your presence and your
openness, Yeah, that's beautiful.
What about you? I think it's not dissimilar.
I would say that I want our children to know that actually,
(10:25):
I want our children and you to know that I love you and
therefore I promise to take careof you.
I promise to support you, and even though inevitably we will
have misunderstandings and hurt feelings, I promise to
(10:47):
acknowledge them and repair withyou.
I love that this family is a base camp and we're all climbing
our own individual mountains, but each of us have improved
outcomes because of us being together.
So true. So, so true.
OK, great. So that's loved.
(11:08):
And I would bet that if you're listening to this podcast, you
are crushing it when it comes tolove.
Crushing it. So I don't think we have to say
too much more about that. Let's talk about being lovable.
So the distinction here, from what I understand, is that being
(11:29):
lovable is part of your identity.
It is what you believe about yourself.
There's a quote from one of my favorite books, The Road Less
Traveled by M Scott Peck, where he says ultimately love is
everything. The feeling of I am a valuable
person is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of
(11:52):
self-discipline. So this idea of being lovable is
one that to contrast it with being loved, which is the way
that those that care for you show you how you are cared for.
Being lovable is a belief that you hold, a core belief about
(12:17):
your identity, that you are worthy of love.
And I think this is a really important message to play the
tape all the way through becauseit is.
You are worthy of being loved unconditionally.
It's not about how you look on the outside or what you perform,
(12:44):
but it's about after you've had a tantrum, or if you've made a
mistake or if you've lost a spelling bee, that you are a
whole person worthy of our love.It's beautiful.
(13:07):
There's something that I heard from Wellness Mama on this
topic. So she has, I think, 5 or 6
kids. She says that she tells her
children, I love you unconditionally.
There is nothing that you ever have to do to earn that and
there is nothing you ever could do to take that away.
I really like that. I think that's a pretty crisp,
(13:28):
developmentally appropriate statement that can help children
understand that no matter how they behave, they are worthy of
love. Yeah, which is a really hard
thing for a lot of people, a lotof adults.
Yeah, I don't think that this isa message that I got honestly
(13:49):
growing up. How about you?
I got that I was loved by my family for sure, but when it
comes to lovable from the outside world, I think that was
day by day. Like some days I felt it, some
days I didn't. And it's kind of noteworthy.
I'm not a a very religious person or even all that
(14:09):
spiritual, but every night before I go to bed, I don't know
why I say this, but I say to theuniverse.
I say thank you for loving me, for trusting me, and for
believing in me. I love, trust and believe in you
and that is what I say. And being lovable is really a
thing that I've always needed totell myself.
(14:31):
And once I saw it with this family, I finally felt like I
was lovable. That's beautiful, Greg.
Thank you for sharing. Yeah, I'm here for it.
Yeah, I think I struggle with the concept of being lovable,
honestly. I was absolutely and still am
(14:54):
loved growing up in my family oforigin.
I was absolutely loved. This idea that I am
unconditionally lovable, I'm a little embarrassed to say, isn't
as strong as I would like it to be at 39 years old.
(15:16):
I think that it's I'm a bit penetrable when it comes to
that. I want to believe that I'm
lovable no matter what. But I think that, I mean, I know
that I still struggle with receiving certain feedback from
people in my life that are closeto me around that I'm too much,
(15:40):
that I'm too, yeah, that I'm toomuch can leave it at that.
And I think that that is a through line in my life that I'm
still working on. Honestly, I'm I'm still working
on accepting that some people perceive me as too much and that
(16:05):
that is OK, and that I am still OK and enough, even if I'm too
much, to be lovable to some folks.
I mean, I know this about you and I understand why.
I also know that I was very excited for us to land on the
(16:29):
idea of this show, this platform, Not only because I
think it's a great outlet for a lot of the conversations we're
having anyway and experiments we're doing anyway, but because
you just haven't met enough of the people out there that see
you for who you are and for how incredible you are and the
(16:51):
feedback that I've gotten from close friends about this show
already. It is.
It is you. I'm here to prop you up and help
the world see you. Thank you Goosy, I love you.
I love you. Say it just rolls off the
tongue. Whoops.
Thank you for seeing me Goosey, I really appreciate that.
(17:15):
I love you. Makes me feel love for you.
Yeah. I mean, that's for me.
Love comes down to being seen. That is the truest form of how
someone can love me is to see mefor all of the shiny parts but
the so many imperfections and struggles too, and to and to say
(17:37):
that I love you anyway. Yeah.
OK, I also think that I want to teach our kids that everyone is
lovable. There's a quote I love from Mary
Lou Konecki that says there isn't anyone you couldn't love
(18:00):
once you've heard their story. And I think about that a lot in
the context of, I would say I think about a lot in the context
of people I don't know that well.
When I feel as though they've harmed me, I really try to
remember that we may not be the same in beliefs or mindset, but
we're both beings who deserve tobe loved.
(18:22):
And guess what? I don't know their whole story
and there's probably a reason why they are this way.
And I think that that's a reallyimportant lesson to teach our
kids as they are growing. I see them getting into conflict
and not understanding why certain people, certain kids can
(18:42):
be cruel. And you don't know whether they
had a good sleep last night. You don't know if they had
breakfast this morning. That's right.
So, yeah, so anyway, just just to close the thought that I
think that teaching our childrenthat everyone is lovable is a
really important practice in this space as well.
(19:06):
I think I can teach our kids that through a very simple yet
powerful story. And the story goes like this.
We use to do it as our family's operating system.
Danielle here prays for one new person every night and she
writes down in to do it who she prayed for that day.
Because that is the kind of person Danielle is and she broke
(19:27):
to do it because she prayed for too many people too many nights
in a row and had to start a new task with new subtasks of who
she's praying for. So our children will understand
2 lessons from that. One, yes, everyone is lovable,
and two, mommy has a list of everyone.
(19:50):
No, it's a really good point actually, because a lot of times
I put people that I'm strugglingwith on that list.
You do like actually that is a daily reminder to send positive
vibes to pray for someone in my life that we didn't get along or
I feel harmed me or yeah or I feel hurt by today to love them
(20:12):
anyway. It's such a cool thing and it's
such a great practice. Thank you.
It's one of those things like reading on the Kindle where I'm
like, I do this, but my kids don't know about it because it
goes into the void. Yeah, I think my take away from
this episode so far, just in terms of the applicability to
other people listening is how valuable it is just to have
(20:35):
these kinds of conversations outloud, talking through the idea
that you are loved and also thatyou are lovable.
These are the open, honest conversations that align us,
show us that we're on the same team, and really bring us closer
together. I like it, Greg.
I like it a lot. So to recap, I'll say it one
more time. Above all else, I want you to
(20:56):
know that you are loved and lovable.
You will learn this from my words and actions.
The lessons on love are in how Itreat you and how I treat
myself. Powerful stuff.
So the way that we are making the distinction between loved
and lovable is that to be loved is a feeling that the members of
(21:21):
your family give to you. And I would like to try making
the implicit explicit in this respect to try speaking a bit
further, playing the tape all the way through about.
I love you, therefore I'm going to care for you in this way.
(21:43):
I love you therefore I promise to keep you safe.
I love you, therefore, even though you're incredibly scared
of having a spelling bee today, I'm going to send you to school
because I know that we have practiced for the past five
(22:04):
days. Yeah, and I'll try pulling back
on the I love you, but please stop yelling in my face.
Yeah, I'm so guilty of that too.It's it's it's like an I love
you. But I think that both of us can
start saying more behind the I love yous when we mean them in a
(22:28):
positive way and stop saying theI love you butts.
More therefore cut the butts. I don't know if any of you all
do that, but I would love to hear.
But I would love to hear. OK, All right.
I think I think that's it. How's this feel?
How's this feel to? You.
This feels great to me. This feels like some deep stuff.
Let us know. Let us know how you like it.
(22:49):
It's definitely, as I said before, this is kind of the
stuff that's harder to photograph.
It's the invisible part of the house, if you will.
But I think that it's all still really important culture
building conversation. Me too, me too.
I'm here for it and thanks for bringing us all here.
(23:10):
You guys, he really is here for it.
Jade had her graduation today ather preschool, and Greg's been
on that campus a dozen times over the past four years, which
really isn't that much. That's part of it.
But for the first time, he really saw it.
He got misty eyed, and he was. So I don't want to put words in
(23:30):
your mouth, but it seemed as though you felt gratitude.
You were surrounded by feelings of gratitude is what I saw in
you. Maybe you can say more.
Yes, definitely. Feelings of gratitude.
It is a very special place. We'll have to go into it another
(23:53):
time. Well, tell us what you what you
told me in the car, which is that it was the first time you
were able to allocate time. Yeah.
Well, running a business that isthe primary and sole income
stream for the family has lots of pros and cons.
(24:13):
One of the cons is that it kind of requires me to put blinders
on to make sure that I can give my whole self to that effort to
take care of my family because Ilove my family, therefore I want
to provide for them. And even just having one hobby
or whatever this is in talking about family culture and feeling
(24:36):
more connected to not just our community, but everyone out
there that's been listening and we know there's a lot of people
that are listening. It opens up my aperture to the
world a little bit where I'm actually engaging with the
world, not just as Greg the investor venture capitalist, but
I'm Greg the dad, I'm Greg the husband, I'm Greg the podcaster,
(25:01):
and that's kind of cool. So I'm here for it.
I'm so glad you are. I love you, Goosey.
I love you, Goosey. Hey guys, if you're still here,
you're definitely our kind of person.
Thanks for spending this time with us on The Most Important
Thing. If this episode resonated with
(25:22):
you, we'd love for you to followus wherever you get your
podcasts and share it with someone else.
Building family culture on purpose.
Above all else, I want you to know that you are loved and
lovable. You will learn this from my
words and actions. The lessons on love are in how I
treat you and how I treat myself.
I want you to engage with the world from a place of
worthiness. You will learn that you are
worthy of love, belonging, and joy every time you see me.
Practice self compassion and embrace my own imperfections.
(00:22):
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting
ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability.
We will share our stories of struggle and strength.
There will always be room in ourhouse for both.
We will teach you compassion by practicing compassion with
ourselves first, then with each other.
(00:43):
We will set and respect boundaries.
We will honor hard work, hope, and perseverance.
Rest and play will be family values as well as family
practices. You will learn accountability
and respect by watching me make mistakes and make amends, and by
watching how I ask for what I need and talk about how I feel.
(01:03):
I want you to know joy, so together we will practice
gratitude. I want you to feel joy, so
together we will learn how to bevulnerable.
When uncertainty and scarcity visit, you will be able to draw
from the spirit that is a part of our everyday life.
Together we will cry and face fear and grief.
I will want to take away your pain, but instead I will sit
(01:25):
with you and teach you how to feel it.
We will laugh and sing and danceand create.
We will always have permission to be ourselves with each other.
No matter what, you will always belong here.
As you begin your wholehearted journey, the greatest gift that
I can give to you is to live andlove with my whole heart and to
(01:46):
dare greatly. I will not teach or love or show
you anything perfectly, but I will let you see me, and I will
always hold sacred the gift of seeing you.
Truly, deeply seeing you. Welcome to the most important
thing. I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld.
(02:07):
And I'm Greg Neufeld, and together we're exploring how
ambitious busy families can build culture at home.
Because after all, family is themost important thing.
Well, that was something new. Yeah, cold open as you like to
call. It love me a cold open.
So what we just read? The Wholehearted Parenting
Manifesto by Brené Brown. Pretty cool, a lot of stuff in
(02:30):
there. Wow.
Yeah, so she is a household namearound here, and maybe some of
you know her from her books or her Ted talk on vulnerability,
but she's a grounded theory researcher who I love.
And this manifesto is her personal commitment to parenting
with intention. It's also an invitation to us
all to reflect on how our behavior and self treatment
(02:55):
influence others understanding of love and belonging in our
home. And it's also been in our home
for about 5 years now on the refrigerator.
But I think this is the first time that I've truly inspected
this piece of work, and I'm so glad that you're bringing us
here. Can you talk some more about
(03:15):
where we're going? Yeah, absolutely.
So our last episode was called back to base camp, and there we
talked about the emotional wiring of a home.
And in thinking about it further, this manifesto to me is
exactly that. It's not exhaustive, but it
needs so many of these invisiblesystems that make our family
(03:36):
feel safe, seen, and worthy. So while not perfect, I do
believe that Brene is impeccablewith her words and I would like
to propose that we break down this manifesto together, one
element at a time, starting withtoday's episode on Loved and
Lovable to better understand howwe can help each member of our
family to feel safe, seen and worthy in our home.
(04:00):
What do you think? It's a beautiful mission.
I'm totally on board. This is a great juxtaposition
too, I think from our first eight episodes, which are very
crisp and have defined edges in terms of experimentation and
opportunities to connect throughaction.
I think we might find ourselves sitting in feeling and
(04:24):
observation. But I think it's going to be
worth it, and I'm excited to take the plunge here as we enter
what feels like our second set of episodes.
Yeah, let's see how it works out.
But in the last episode, I askedus this question, what flows
through the walls of our home. And I do think that Renee says
(04:46):
it well. So we might as well start here.
That's right. Shall we dig in?
Let's dig in. OK great.
So the first statements above all else, I want you to know
that you are loved and lovable. You will learn this from my
words and actions. The lessons on love are in how I
treat you and how I treat myself.
(05:11):
So at the outset, the first thing that I hear is it's not
just about how we treat one another, but that it really does
start with how we treat ourselves.
That's right, kids are are mirrors and typically when we're
seeing something we don't like in them, it's something that we
don't like in us. So showing the world, especially
(05:32):
our children, that we are loved and lovable and believing that
is a real opportunity. Absolutely.
I believe that she was specific in her distinction between being
loved and being lovable, and so I would love to unpack that.
I don't think anyone's ever asked her the difference, but I
(05:53):
did some contemplating and researching on the difference
and I've come up with something that I'd love for us to
consider. So what this idea of being loved
speaks to a feeling of somethingdone to you that the members of
your family love you. And I would never try to
(06:18):
encapsulate the word love. We'll leave that to the poets.
But I do think that when it comes to our family and we tell
each other and our family, we say we love each other all the
time, maybe even too much, honestly, maybe.
But when I think about what I mean by that, I think that it
(06:39):
really is about nurturing one another, protecting and caring
for one another. And I think that it would
behoove us as a family to make the implicit explicit here and
to follow up with the words thatwe say all the time, like I love
(07:02):
you and say I love you. Therefore, I promise when you're
at the orthodontist today to hold your hand.
True story. True story.
Jade was a champ today. I like where you're going with
this. It helps unpack on both sides
(07:24):
what that emotion really means in the moment.
Yeah, I think that love is a very complex thing.
And so there's absolutely this feeling of love that one can
embody or that one can experience from their family
members. Today I asked Jade.
I said, do you know that I love you?
(07:45):
And she said yes. And I said, do you love me?
She said yeah. And then I said, do you know
what it means that I love you? And she said no.
And I said, well, what do you mean when you say you love me?
She said, I don't know. And while on the one hand, I
think that that's just fine because we know we love each
other deeply, you know, but I think that it could be really
(08:11):
helpful. I guess I want to be more
specific when I use the term I love you because something that
has come up for me as I've been researching and reflecting upon
this episode is that I often sayI love you when I just give
someone a squeeze. But I will also say I love you,
(08:33):
but please don't touch that. I love you, but please stop
dancing when you're supposed to be getting dressed.
And I think I need a better termfor that.
But until I come up with a better term for that, I just
want to stop saying I love you. But it's.
(08:56):
A great notice. Thank you and I think that it
will help me if I can start saying I love you and therefore
I promise to care for you in this way.
Sure. When you think about the ways
that you love our children, whatwhat comes up for you as far as
(09:20):
promises like I love you, therefore I promise to.
Therefore, I promise to keep yousafe.
I promise to keep your evolving needs in mind as a parent.
I promise to see you and who youare, not who I impose on you or
(09:41):
project on you. I love you and I'm present here
listening to you. Not I love you, meaning I'll
love you later, but right now I can't love you or right now I
can't devote attention to you. So I think it's that open
chested stance, you know, arms out, bent down at their level.
(10:04):
That's what I'm trying to convey.
That's what I think of. So your presence and your
openness, Yeah, that's beautiful.
What about you? I think it's not dissimilar.
I would say that I want our children to know that actually,
(10:25):
I want our children and you to know that I love you and
therefore I promise to take careof you.
I promise to support you, and even though inevitably we will
have misunderstandings and hurt feelings, I promise to
(10:47):
acknowledge them and repair withyou.
I love that this family is a base camp and we're all climbing
our own individual mountains, but each of us have improved
outcomes because of us being together.
So true. So, so true.
OK, great. So that's loved.
(11:08):
And I would bet that if you're listening to this podcast, you
are crushing it when it comes tolove.
Crushing it. So I don't think we have to say
too much more about that. Let's talk about being lovable.
So the distinction here, from what I understand, is that being
(11:29):
lovable is part of your identity.
It is what you believe about yourself.
There's a quote from one of my favorite books, The Road Less
Traveled by M Scott Peck, where he says ultimately love is
everything. The feeling of I am a valuable
person is essential to mental health and is a cornerstone of
(11:52):
self-discipline. So this idea of being lovable is
one that to contrast it with being loved, which is the way
that those that care for you show you how you are cared for.
Being lovable is a belief that you hold, a core belief about
(12:17):
your identity, that you are worthy of love.
And I think this is a really important message to play the
tape all the way through becauseit is.
You are worthy of being loved unconditionally.
It's not about how you look on the outside or what you perform,
(12:44):
but it's about after you've had a tantrum, or if you've made a
mistake or if you've lost a spelling bee, that you are a
whole person worthy of our love.It's beautiful.
(13:07):
There's something that I heard from Wellness Mama on this
topic. So she has, I think, 5 or 6
kids. She says that she tells her
children, I love you unconditionally.
There is nothing that you ever have to do to earn that and
there is nothing you ever could do to take that away.
I really like that. I think that's a pretty crisp,
(13:28):
developmentally appropriate statement that can help children
understand that no matter how they behave, they are worthy of
love. Yeah, which is a really hard
thing for a lot of people, a lotof adults.
Yeah, I don't think that this isa message that I got honestly
(13:49):
growing up. How about you?
I got that I was loved by my family for sure, but when it
comes to lovable from the outside world, I think that was
day by day. Like some days I felt it, some
days I didn't. And it's kind of noteworthy.
I'm not a a very religious person or even all that
(14:09):
spiritual, but every night before I go to bed, I don't know
why I say this, but I say to theuniverse.
I say thank you for loving me, for trusting me, and for
believing in me. I love, trust and believe in you
and that is what I say. And being lovable is really a
thing that I've always needed totell myself.
(14:31):
And once I saw it with this family, I finally felt like I
was lovable. That's beautiful, Greg.
Thank you for sharing. Yeah, I'm here for it.
Yeah, I think I struggle with the concept of being lovable,
honestly. I was absolutely and still am
(14:54):
loved growing up in my family oforigin.
I was absolutely loved. This idea that I am
unconditionally lovable, I'm a little embarrassed to say, isn't
as strong as I would like it to be at 39 years old.
(15:16):
I think that it's I'm a bit penetrable when it comes to
that. I want to believe that I'm
lovable no matter what. But I think that, I mean, I know
that I still struggle with receiving certain feedback from
people in my life that are closeto me around that I'm too much,
(15:40):
that I'm too, yeah, that I'm toomuch can leave it at that.
And I think that that is a through line in my life that I'm
still working on. Honestly, I'm I'm still working
on accepting that some people perceive me as too much and that
(16:05):
that is OK, and that I am still OK and enough, even if I'm too
much, to be lovable to some folks.
I mean, I know this about you and I understand why.
I also know that I was very excited for us to land on the
(16:29):
idea of this show, this platform, Not only because I
think it's a great outlet for a lot of the conversations we're
having anyway and experiments we're doing anyway, but because
you just haven't met enough of the people out there that see
you for who you are and for how incredible you are and the
(16:51):
feedback that I've gotten from close friends about this show
already. It is.
It is you. I'm here to prop you up and help
the world see you. Thank you Goosy, I love you.
I love you. Say it just rolls off the
tongue. Whoops.
Thank you for seeing me Goosey, I really appreciate that.
(17:15):
I love you. Makes me feel love for you.
Yeah. I mean, that's for me.
Love comes down to being seen. That is the truest form of how
someone can love me is to see mefor all of the shiny parts but
the so many imperfections and struggles too, and to and to say
(17:37):
that I love you anyway. Yeah.
OK, I also think that I want to teach our kids that everyone is
lovable. There's a quote I love from Mary
Lou Konecki that says there isn't anyone you couldn't love
(18:00):
once you've heard their story. And I think about that a lot in
the context of, I would say I think about a lot in the context
of people I don't know that well.
When I feel as though they've harmed me, I really try to
remember that we may not be the same in beliefs or mindset, but
we're both beings who deserve tobe loved.
(18:22):
And guess what? I don't know their whole story
and there's probably a reason why they are this way.
And I think that that's a reallyimportant lesson to teach our
kids as they are growing. I see them getting into conflict
and not understanding why certain people, certain kids can
(18:42):
be cruel. And you don't know whether they
had a good sleep last night. You don't know if they had
breakfast this morning. That's right.
So, yeah, so anyway, just just to close the thought that I
think that teaching our childrenthat everyone is lovable is a
really important practice in this space as well.
(19:06):
I think I can teach our kids that through a very simple yet
powerful story. And the story goes like this.
We use to do it as our family's operating system.
Danielle here prays for one new person every night and she
writes down in to do it who she prayed for that day.
Because that is the kind of person Danielle is and she broke
(19:27):
to do it because she prayed for too many people too many nights
in a row and had to start a new task with new subtasks of who
she's praying for. So our children will understand
2 lessons from that. One, yes, everyone is lovable,
and two, mommy has a list of everyone.
(19:50):
No, it's a really good point actually, because a lot of times
I put people that I'm strugglingwith on that list.
You do like actually that is a daily reminder to send positive
vibes to pray for someone in my life that we didn't get along or
I feel harmed me or yeah or I feel hurt by today to love them
(20:12):
anyway. It's such a cool thing and it's
such a great practice. Thank you.
It's one of those things like reading on the Kindle where I'm
like, I do this, but my kids don't know about it because it
goes into the void. Yeah, I think my take away from
this episode so far, just in terms of the applicability to
other people listening is how valuable it is just to have
(20:35):
these kinds of conversations outloud, talking through the idea
that you are loved and also thatyou are lovable.
These are the open, honest conversations that align us,
show us that we're on the same team, and really bring us closer
together. I like it, Greg.
I like it a lot. So to recap, I'll say it one
more time. Above all else, I want you to
(20:56):
know that you are loved and lovable.
You will learn this from my words and actions.
The lessons on love are in how Itreat you and how I treat
myself. Powerful stuff.
So the way that we are making the distinction between loved
and lovable is that to be loved is a feeling that the members of
(21:21):
your family give to you. And I would like to try making
the implicit explicit in this respect to try speaking a bit
further, playing the tape all the way through about.
I love you, therefore I'm going to care for you in this way.
(21:43):
I love you therefore I promise to keep you safe.
I love you, therefore, even though you're incredibly scared
of having a spelling bee today, I'm going to send you to school
because I know that we have practiced for the past five
(22:04):
days. Yeah, and I'll try pulling back
on the I love you, but please stop yelling in my face.
Yeah, I'm so guilty of that too.It's it's it's like an I love
you. But I think that both of us can
start saying more behind the I love yous when we mean them in a
(22:28):
positive way and stop saying theI love you butts.
More therefore cut the butts. I don't know if any of you all
do that, but I would love to hear.
But I would love to hear. OK, All right.
I think I think that's it. How's this feel?
How's this feel to? You.
This feels great to me. This feels like some deep stuff.
Let us know. Let us know how you like it.
(22:49):
It's definitely, as I said before, this is kind of the
stuff that's harder to photograph.
It's the invisible part of the house, if you will.
But I think that it's all still really important culture
building conversation. Me too, me too.
I'm here for it and thanks for bringing us all here.
(23:10):
You guys, he really is here for it.
Jade had her graduation today ather preschool, and Greg's been
on that campus a dozen times over the past four years, which
really isn't that much. That's part of it.
But for the first time, he really saw it.
He got misty eyed, and he was. So I don't want to put words in
(23:30):
your mouth, but it seemed as though you felt gratitude.
You were surrounded by feelings of gratitude is what I saw in
you. Maybe you can say more.
Yes, definitely. Feelings of gratitude.
It is a very special place. We'll have to go into it another
(23:53):
time. Well, tell us what you what you
told me in the car, which is that it was the first time you
were able to allocate time. Yeah.
Well, running a business that isthe primary and sole income
stream for the family has lots of pros and cons.
(24:13):
One of the cons is that it kind of requires me to put blinders
on to make sure that I can give my whole self to that effort to
take care of my family because Ilove my family, therefore I want
to provide for them. And even just having one hobby
or whatever this is in talking about family culture and feeling
(24:36):
more connected to not just our community, but everyone out
there that's been listening and we know there's a lot of people
that are listening. It opens up my aperture to the
world a little bit where I'm actually engaging with the
world, not just as Greg the investor venture capitalist, but
I'm Greg the dad, I'm Greg the husband, I'm Greg the podcaster,
(25:01):
and that's kind of cool. So I'm here for it.
I'm so glad you are. I love you, Goosey.
I love you, Goosey. Hey guys, if you're still here,
you're definitely our kind of person.
Thanks for spending this time with us on The Most Important
Thing. If this episode resonated with
(25:22):
you, we'd love for you to followus wherever you get your
podcasts and share it with someone else.
Building family culture on purpose.
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