June 2, 2025 ā¢ 25 mins
šļø Episode 12: Courage
Courage usually gets the Gladiator treatment.
We picture epic battles, high-stakes wins, and shirtless heroics.
But in real life?
Itās not just about ābeing brave.ā
This week, in Episode 12: Courage, weāre talking about what makes it possible for families to practice courageānot just in big moments, but to show up persistently courageous, day to day.
š§± The Most Important Thing:
Courage needs scaffolding.
Kids donāt learn to be brave just because we tell them to. They learn it through preparation.
š§ What Weāre Learning:
šļø Deliberate practice builds confident action.
Whether itās a spelling bee, a tough conversation, or a hockey tournament, we can rehearse for hard thingsātogether. As Bill Belichick says: āPractice execution becomes game reality.ā
š Mistakes arenāt failureātheyāre feedback.
From Peloton instructors to portfolio managers, high performers in every field know: Youāre not winning every time. Youāre learning. Federer only won 54% of the points in his careerāand still won 80% of his matches.
š§ In This Episode, We Unpack:
- Why ājust be braveā isnāt enough
- How preparation turns into courage
- What it looks like to normalize mistakes at home
- Why we want our kids to stay in things long enough to get good
- The family cheer, family meetings, and other everyday ways we build a culture of courage
š” Experiments Weāre Trying:
- Roleplaying how to handle disappointment before it hits
- Naming acts of courage in family meetings
- Writing down the āmissesā to normalize the process
- Helping our kids shift from outcome-thinking to process-thinking
āØ Favorite Quote:
āWork ethic eliminates fear.ā
ā Michael Jordan
š Further Reading:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to The Most Important Thing.
I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld. And I'm Greg Neufeld, and
together we're exploring how ambitious busy families can
build culture at home. Because after all, family is the
most important thing. Welcome back to Season 2 of The
Most Important Thing. Yeah, I'm pumped.
So today is our third episode ofSeason 2, since we're calling it
(00:23):
that now, where we are going through the Wholehearted
Parenting Manifesto, and today we're talking about courage.
Yeah, You know, it's funny how we usually talk about courage,
like it's this big dramatic thing storming the castle or
making that game-winning shot. I literally think of gladiator
every time we say the word courage.
Yeah, for sure. Gladiator 1.
(00:44):
And Braveheart. And like all the things.
All the things, very few shirts.I guess pretty masculine
honestly. Maybe we can unpack that in a
different episode. But just being honest, just
showing up, that seems to be thereal definition of courage,
showing up and just starting waysmaller.
Uh huh, showing up as your wholeself.
(01:04):
That's right. You know what, Greg?
Why don't you read what Bernie writes?
Oh, thank you. I'd love to.
Specifically in the manifesto, Bernie writes.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting
ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability.
We will share our stories of struggle and strength.
(01:26):
There will always be room in ourhouse for both stories of
struggle and strength. That reminds me of something,
but I can't put my finger on it.Episode 2 Family Stories.
From Season 1. Look at that.
Is that like a reverse Easter egg?
Something that is, I don't know,foreshadowing.
(01:48):
Throwback. A throwback, OK.
Yeah, it's a throwback, but we're just building a web here.
You know, we're going sequentially, but we're building
a web. It seems like it.
Cool. All right, so we will practice
courage. In her latest book, Atlas of the
Heart, BrenƩ Brown defines courage for us, and she defines
(02:09):
it by returning to its original Latin root core, meaning heart.
She writes in one of its earliest forms, the word
courage, meant to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart.
And throughout her research and teachings, Brene has emphasized
that true courage is about vulnerability and is closely
(02:30):
tied to emotional exposure, uncertainty and risk.
I love this idea that courage starts small and can grow really
big. And so today I kind of have a
hot take on courage. While I really do agree with her
reflections that to be courageous is to allow ourselves
to be seen and vulnerable, personally I have found that
(02:51):
there are a couple of mindset shifts that need to come first.
They're more like precursors, ifyou will, to lay the foundation
of getting into the habit of being courageous.
And those are what I would like to talk about today.
It's really this idea that in order to have courage
persistently, I think I needed two things.
(03:12):
The first is to know that preparation leads to confident,
courageous performance. And the second is that life is
just one big learning opportunity.
And most people, Greg will say everyone, mess up all the time
and the people that are successful are actually just
(03:35):
taking more at bats. So these are two things that I
think that I didn't know until probably 15 years ago and I've
learned more and more overtime, but that have really helped me
begin my journey of courage and vulnerability.
And that when we talk about family culture, there are
(03:56):
certain things that I want our kids to know earlier, and this
is one of them. And so I think it's really
important when we speak about the emotional wiring of our home
that we talked about not just being courageous, but we talked
about how to be courageous. And I don't think that it's
super easy for everyone to just show up and be seen.
(04:17):
And. So how do we even get there?
How do we even get the at bat? And that's what I would really
like to spend some time on today.
The author, Neil Strauss has this great quote that I think
about any time that I'm startingsomething new and wanting to be
courageous. It's you don't need to be
gifted. You just need to have enough
(04:37):
commitment to accept being bad at something for as long as it
takes to get good at it. I love that.
I've got a similar reminder on my phone from Michael Jordan.
And he says that work ethic eliminates fear.
Stress comes from being unprepared.
(04:58):
Yeah, so let's teach our kids toprepare.
That's right. All right.
So I would like to suggest that the most important thing about
courage is that courage needs scaffolding.
And specifically, when we prepare together and embrace
life as one big learning opportunity, we build a family
(05:18):
culture that makes showing up courageously not just possible
but expected. Sound like a worthy goal?
I mean, I think that we're really doing it.
It's not perfect, but I feel very strongly that this topic is
(05:40):
one that we can show up for our kids and that our kids can show
up for one another extremely well over a long enough arc.
It's. Great, I can't wait to hear your
experiment ideas. All right.
So let's dig into how we developthese shifts within our family.
I have been reading Bill Belichick's new book The Art of
Winning and it is amazing. Every once in a while Ray
(06:05):
Dalio's principles books like this come up and I just devour
them. He just.
For those of you who don't know,he holds the record for the most
Super Bowl wins, 6 as head coachfor the New England Patriots, as
well as two more during his timeas the defensive coordinator at
the New York Giants for a recordcombined total of 8 Super Bowl
(06:27):
victories. As a coach and coordinator, he
is incredible. He really is.
Love him or hate him, you got torespect him.
And he has spent a lot of time in the arena, literally, right?
He has spent a lot of time both being courageous and supporting
his teams, his family if you will, in how to be courageous,
(06:50):
especially in high pressure moments.
Yeah, the formidable Patriots that he coached, I feel like
always showed up with their fullselves, completely prepared.
And in order to beat them, you had to catch them, not in an
unforced error, but you had to win the game.
Because they were doing it not just for themselves, but you
(07:14):
could tell they were doing it for a higher purpose, for each
other, for their coach, for their team, for the fans.
And they were doing it over and over and over again for season
after season. And that kind of consistency is
definitely a habit of courage. OK, so let's talk about courage,
the way that Bill Belichick might, number one, prepare
(07:35):
together. This is the idea that consistent
and deliberate practice leads toconfident performance.
Bill says practice execution becomes game reality.
So just as Belichick prepares his team for every scenario,
families can rehearse situationsbefore the heat is on.
(07:55):
And I think this can start smallby role-playing moments of
courage as small as standing up to a friend who has been maybe
saying not nice things to you, but it can also get bigger.
And so a key aspect of this thatis coming up in our life today
is teaching kids that preparation is fundamental to
(08:17):
success, that you have agency inoutcomes.
So last episode I mentioned the spelling bee, and that's because
Hunter has been very anxious about how she will perform at
one of her first ever competitions in school.
(08:39):
And about a week before the spelling bee, she was saying I'm
a terrible speller, I'm going tolook stupid, basically feeling
as though she had absolutely no control over the situation.
And we had a conversation about practice, and before you knew
it, she mastered every word thatwas going to be on the spelling
(09:02):
bee. So I think that while perfection
is unattainable, it's important to teach that diligent practice
gives you what you need, the assurance and the confidence
that you need to perform courageously.
It was a remarkable transformation.
(09:23):
Well, hopefully it's the first of many.
I think you and I see, and I've heard this before, but Joe Rogan
talks about this all the time that CrossFit or martial arts
shows you unequivocally that when you put in hard work, you
improve. Yes.
You cannot deny the improvement that comes with consistent hard
(09:43):
work and deliberate practice. Yeah, there's a real data
flywheel there. The inputs and the outputs are
all yours, and you're putting inthe work and you're seeing
exactly the results that you deserve.
Yeah, and I think that knowledgehelps me show up more
courageously throughout my life,and it's something that I really
want to instill in our children.Yeah, I also think that having a
(10:08):
team and the team that you believe in, where everybody
believes not just in themselves but in the higher purpose,
instills a lot of courage. I know that working together
with you, I have a lot of courage in how I show up in the
world, specifically in areas where I know that you have it.
And I believe that you feel the same way in areas where I have
(10:31):
it. And so we show up as a team much
more confidently than in areas of discipline that aren't
necessarily our true comfort zones.
Sure. Yeah.
I think that, you know, one of the things that really embodies
that within our family culture today is our family cheer.
Yes, I love that the kids started saying our family cheer
before they go to school in the morning because I do think that
they walk out the door with the power of the new Felds behind
(10:54):
them. That's right, Episode 4 Family
values. There you go.
OK, another thing that I hadn't heard before but I love is that
it's important to remind each member of our family that they
have a lead role in whatever event it is.
So Belichick says, remember thatyou are one of the reasons that
(11:16):
this moment is big. You are not here by accident.
Your work brought you to this high stakes moment.
First of all, how inspiring is that?
So inspiring. And so he's talking about the
Super Bowl, right? I might be talking about a
hockey tournament, right? But regardless of how high
stakes it might be in the world,to the member of your family, it
(11:39):
can be high stakes, right? And so this idea that you have
agency and that you are part of what makes this moment special
and big is incredibly powerful. Yeah, there's a lot of imposter
syndrome going around in this world, and that's not something
that I want our kids to to have to carry.
Or at least to know what to do with it when it shows up.
(12:00):
Yes. Because it can be one of those
both ends. It's like I am feeling this way,
like an imposter, Like I don't belong here.
And I know that I am part of what makes this a big moment.
Yeah, and hard work eliminates imposter syndrome.
I don't know if it'll ever eliminate it fully for me, but I
do think it helps. It does help.
(12:22):
Cool. And then finally on this
practice, how to respond to disappointment.
So a lost game or a bad spellingbee outcome or a no from a
friend. Belichick says champions
rehearse the hard stuff. And so I think one thing that I
saw the other day when I was at Hunter School facilitating math
games was a little boy at the end of the game when he lost, he
(12:46):
looked at his friend and he saidgood game and he put out his
hand to shake hands. And I was like, that is some
excellent sportsmanship that he didn't just make up on his own
right now. Like that definitely was role
played in his family. And I would like when we talk
about experiments, for this to be something that we bring into
our family too, is good sportsmanship.
(13:07):
Champions rehearse the hard stuff.
Yeah, let's print that. Put it above our front door.
So when kids know what hard moments might feel like and that
they have their family behind them, they are more likely to
step in with courage. And then the second take away,
embrace life as one big learningopportunity.
I think this really builds upon the idea of champions rehearsing
(13:30):
the hard stuff. You know, one of my favorite
Peloton instructors just Sims. She likes to say it's not
failure, it's feedback, it's redirection.
And I absolutely love that because it does.
It speaks to life as one big learning opportunity.
And when I can look at a mistakeor a failure that I've made and
(13:55):
see it as an opportunity to improve and shift the focus
from, well, acknowledge the disappointment, but then shift
the focus to improvement becausethere always is another
opportunity. It enables courage to keep
going. And Bill echoes this mindset
(14:16):
throughout the book where he says you cannot think of big
tests and triumphs as final in any respect.
There are no end points in winning, period.
That's a great one. What did Ken Griffin say?
Success is 2 times from where I am today, but I feel like I'm a
winner. Something like that.
OK, find that quote. Yeah, put it in.
(14:41):
No, what you mentioned Ken and Iworked for him for a while and I
loved the way he would speak about a lot of investment
strategies, but the market neutral equity strategy in
particular, he would say, you know, regardless of the outcome,
positive or negative, you want to look for the how to improve
the process. And so it was all about building
(15:02):
feedback loops in order to iterate on the process, figure
out how you can improve. And again, Belichick totally
echoes this idea when he says toreach your ultimate goal, you
cannot try to master a result, you must master a process.
A good process results in good habits, and consistent good
(15:22):
habits results in dependability.Therefore, good results will
follow. Ain't that the truth?
It is, but I didn't know this 25years ago.
I played competitive sports growing up.
Nobody ever told me that I had to focus on the process.
No. In business, it's the process.
In taking care of your body, it's the process.
(15:45):
In parenting, it's the process. It's the process.
Because I mess up constantly. If I can make amends and I can
try to do better, I know that I will have plenty more
opportunities with our children to improve.
One thing that Belichick mentioned in his book that I
hadn't heard before comes from Rodger Federer's 2024 Dartmouth
(16:08):
commencement address. He says In the 1526 singles
matches that I played in my career, I won almost 80% of
them. But what percentage of points do
you think I won in those matches?
Only 54%. In other words, even the top
ranked tennis players, and I would say the greatest tennis
(16:29):
player in the world barely win more than half of the points
they play. And he says when you lose every
second point on average, you learn not to dwell on every
single shot. So if it's good enough for Roger
Federer and it's good enough forBelichick, it is going to be
good enough for the new Felds. So let's talk about how to apply
(16:50):
this always be learning or continuous improvement to our
family. The 1st is to normalize
mistakes. And this goes back to our
stories episode, our family money episode.
So episodes 2:00 and 8:00. But Brene has this great
statement that I heard in a podcast of hers not too long ago
(17:12):
where she says normalization is the antidote to shame.
Letting our whole family know, letting it be known within our
family that mistakes, failures, setbacks are inevitable.
Everyone experiences them. And what differentiates you is
how you handle them and how you move on what you do next.
(17:34):
I love that. And that's where the courage
comes in, right? Once you know that mistakes
happen for everyone, you are able to be courageous in getting
back out there. OK.
And then one other element that I love thinking about is how do
you manage defeat when you are not winning?
That's right. I mean, I can really see how
(17:55):
easy it is for parents to get the wrong message from observing
their kids winning and losing. And that message is like, oh,
they're good at this. They need to work on this.
But I don't want to protect themfrom being bad at something.
I can see how easy it is to wantthat, but that's not what I
want. If they never get to be bad at
(18:17):
it, they'll never stick around long enough to get good.
And so that kind of flips the goal for me.
Instead of helping them succeed,I just want to help them stay in
it long enough to grow. Yeah, except being bad at
something for as long as it takes to get good at it.
Hopefully we're modeling that with this podcast.
That's right. We're trying, guys, Iterating.
(18:38):
Yeah. Yeah.
So I think that's it when it comes to courage.
For me to build the habit of courage and vulnerability, it
takes scaffolding. And particularly, it comes down
to preparing together and embracing life as one big
learning opportunity as a family.
This is a topic so near and dearto my heart.
(18:58):
I hope you can feel the passion that I have in it.
I love talking about a process orientation and seeing life as
one big learning opportunity. I also so believe that practice
makes progress and that discipline is how I personally
can differentiate. I'm not the smartest, I'm not
(19:19):
the strongest, but I am a very disciplined person and I have
seen amazing outcomes in my lifethrough deliberate practice and
it is something that I very strongly want to imbue in our
family culture. Beautifully said.
(19:40):
OK, So what experiments are you interested in running with
regards to courage and how to practice it within our family?
What can we commit to today? Well, it sounds like a lot of
the experiments that we're running have a through line to
courage already. So specifically family values,
family stories and to a degree family meetings as an
(20:03):
opportunity to share when somebody was courageous.
So through compliments and appreciations where we saw
courage, not just where we saw somebody being kind.
Courage is sometimes has a lot of bad behavior before courage
because you get. Amped up about the thing that
you don't want to do and then you do it anyway.
(20:25):
And recognizing that courage in our kids, you know, after that
tantrum, you went talking to youand you and you did the hard
thing. You practice deliberately.
You practice deliberately. So I do think that those
experiments are fluid right now,and this is a good notice and an
opportunity for us to show up noticing courage specifically
(20:46):
and calling that out. But what else?
What else comes to mind? I would say the practicing how
to respond to disappointment is one that I definitely want to
take away. So role-playing what happens
when things don't go properly? And this isn't meant to like
wallow in a loss or in self pity, but just to acknowledge
the disappointment and remain noble and look for the
(21:11):
opportunity for improvement. Yeah, I love this 54% of points
one and I'm wondering what aboutwriting down the things that
didn't go our way? Interesting.
Tell me more. For example, we recently at
work, we had a successful fundraise, I would say.
(21:32):
And how many people did we talk to in order to achieve that
goal? I mean, we probably converted
10%, maybe 8%. Yeah, 54 of.
The conversations that we had and we don't need to write all
of those little things down, butsaying, you know, and pointing
to 92% of the people we talked to.
(21:55):
Said no it didn't. Even ultimately be no, it just
weren't a fit, but we but we made that next call.
We sent that next e-mail and we we did the next right thing.
And look at us. We got to our goal in spite of
and because of that process. Right, because we focused on the
process. Exactly.
(22:15):
And when we received outcomes that we didn't necessarily want,
we looked at ways that we can improve.
Yeah. And then looking back, I don't
remember any of those conversations that Word knows.
Didn't it? Doesn't really matter.
Doesn't matter. I just remember who we're, who
we're partnered with and who we're working with.
Yeah, that's a that's a really good point.
I don't know about like a law sport, but I do think that this
(22:39):
idea of Rodger Federer only winning 54% of the points that
he played in his life is one of those key lessons that I really
want our kids to know as soon aspossible.
It's by the way it it holds truethe best portfolio managers in
equities that citadel were right54% of the time also.
(23:00):
So. It's cross disciplinary it.
Sure is. Right.
So this is about singles and double s and having lots of at
bats. And that's, sorry, lots of
sports analogies here, but that's how you win.
And I think that it's not just about winning, but it's about
how you build confidence to showup courageously, repeatedly.
(23:24):
Yeah. We just need to normalize the
losses. It's not necessarily a loss
board, I agree. But normalizing the losses and
talking about wins and losses not as a bad thing, but as a
part of the process. Yeah.
And let's just try to talk aboutlike, let's play the tape all
the way through and not telling the kids to just be courageous
(23:45):
or be brave or go out there. But to talk about, no, you have
the opportunity to practice and you did practice and therefore
you can be courageous, right? Yeah, and I do like those three
questions that have a three lineto Belichick that have a three
line to Bruce Feiler. You know, what did we do well,
(24:07):
what can we do better next time?And what experiments can we run?
Yeah, those are the right questions to ask ourselves to
our kids at work, our colleagues, to our clients,
everything. Yeah.
Those three questions keep coming up and I think that
they're very useful framework toremain flexible and continuously
(24:28):
improve. That's right.
Well, here's to that. This is a topic we could talk
for hours about and read many, many more books about.
But I do think that embodying this for our kids, for ourselves
and showing up as a team, talking about the team spirit
that we have and why we're winners and why it's OK to be a
(24:50):
winner and also to lose some time 5050, you know?
It's more like. 46% of the. Time be a player, is the way I
think about it. Be in the arena.
Be in the arena. But yeah, when you develop good
habits and practice deliberately, you tend to get
good results persistently. That's right.
And so that really is what winning is, right?
(25:10):
So 54% of the time. Yeah, remarkable.
Totally. All right, I think we can leave
it here. Cool.
Love you, Goosey. Love you, goosey.
Hey guys, if you're still here, you're definitely our kind of
person. Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important Thing.
If this episode resonated with you, we'd love for you to follow
(25:33):
us wherever you get your podcasts and share it with
someone else. Building family culture on
purpose.
Welcome to The Most Important Thing.
I'm Danielle DeMarco Neufeld. And I'm Greg Neufeld, and
together we're exploring how ambitious busy families can
build culture at home. Because after all, family is the
most important thing. Welcome back to Season 2 of The
Most Important Thing. Yeah, I'm pumped.
So today is our third episode ofSeason 2, since we're calling it
(00:23):
that now, where we are going through the Wholehearted
Parenting Manifesto, and today we're talking about courage.
Yeah, You know, it's funny how we usually talk about courage,
like it's this big dramatic thing storming the castle or
making that game-winning shot. I literally think of gladiator
every time we say the word courage.
Yeah, for sure. Gladiator 1.
(00:44):
And Braveheart. And like all the things.
All the things, very few shirts.I guess pretty masculine
honestly. Maybe we can unpack that in a
different episode. But just being honest, just
showing up, that seems to be thereal definition of courage,
showing up and just starting waysmaller.
Uh huh, showing up as your wholeself.
(01:04):
That's right. You know what, Greg?
Why don't you read what Bernie writes?
Oh, thank you. I'd love to.
Specifically in the manifesto, Bernie writes.
We will practice courage in our family by showing up, letting
ourselves be seen, and honoring vulnerability.
We will share our stories of struggle and strength.
(01:26):
There will always be room in ourhouse for both stories of
struggle and strength. That reminds me of something,
but I can't put my finger on it.Episode 2 Family Stories.
From Season 1. Look at that.
Is that like a reverse Easter egg?
Something that is, I don't know,foreshadowing.
(01:48):
Throwback. A throwback, OK.
Yeah, it's a throwback, but we're just building a web here.
You know, we're going sequentially, but we're building
a web. It seems like it.
Cool. All right, so we will practice
courage. In her latest book, Atlas of the
Heart, BrenƩ Brown defines courage for us, and she defines
(02:09):
it by returning to its original Latin root core, meaning heart.
She writes in one of its earliest forms, the word
courage, meant to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart.
And throughout her research and teachings, Brene has emphasized
that true courage is about vulnerability and is closely
(02:30):
tied to emotional exposure, uncertainty and risk.
I love this idea that courage starts small and can grow really
big. And so today I kind of have a
hot take on courage. While I really do agree with her
reflections that to be courageous is to allow ourselves
to be seen and vulnerable, personally I have found that
(02:51):
there are a couple of mindset shifts that need to come first.
They're more like precursors, ifyou will, to lay the foundation
of getting into the habit of being courageous.
And those are what I would like to talk about today.
It's really this idea that in order to have courage
persistently, I think I needed two things.
(03:12):
The first is to know that preparation leads to confident,
courageous performance. And the second is that life is
just one big learning opportunity.
And most people, Greg will say everyone, mess up all the time
and the people that are successful are actually just
(03:35):
taking more at bats. So these are two things that I
think that I didn't know until probably 15 years ago and I've
learned more and more overtime, but that have really helped me
begin my journey of courage and vulnerability.
And that when we talk about family culture, there are
(03:56):
certain things that I want our kids to know earlier, and this
is one of them. And so I think it's really
important when we speak about the emotional wiring of our home
that we talked about not just being courageous, but we talked
about how to be courageous. And I don't think that it's
super easy for everyone to just show up and be seen.
(04:17):
And. So how do we even get there?
How do we even get the at bat? And that's what I would really
like to spend some time on today.
The author, Neil Strauss has this great quote that I think
about any time that I'm startingsomething new and wanting to be
courageous. It's you don't need to be
gifted. You just need to have enough
(04:37):
commitment to accept being bad at something for as long as it
takes to get good at it. I love that.
I've got a similar reminder on my phone from Michael Jordan.
And he says that work ethic eliminates fear.
Stress comes from being unprepared.
(04:58):
Yeah, so let's teach our kids toprepare.
That's right. All right.
So I would like to suggest that the most important thing about
courage is that courage needs scaffolding.
And specifically, when we prepare together and embrace
life as one big learning opportunity, we build a family
(05:18):
culture that makes showing up courageously not just possible
but expected. Sound like a worthy goal?
I mean, I think that we're really doing it.
It's not perfect, but I feel very strongly that this topic is
(05:40):
one that we can show up for our kids and that our kids can show
up for one another extremely well over a long enough arc.
It's. Great, I can't wait to hear your
experiment ideas. All right.
So let's dig into how we developthese shifts within our family.
I have been reading Bill Belichick's new book The Art of
Winning and it is amazing. Every once in a while Ray
(06:05):
Dalio's principles books like this come up and I just devour
them. He just.
For those of you who don't know,he holds the record for the most
Super Bowl wins, 6 as head coachfor the New England Patriots, as
well as two more during his timeas the defensive coordinator at
the New York Giants for a recordcombined total of 8 Super Bowl
(06:27):
victories. As a coach and coordinator, he
is incredible. He really is.
Love him or hate him, you got torespect him.
And he has spent a lot of time in the arena, literally, right?
He has spent a lot of time both being courageous and supporting
his teams, his family if you will, in how to be courageous,
(06:50):
especially in high pressure moments.
Yeah, the formidable Patriots that he coached, I feel like
always showed up with their fullselves, completely prepared.
And in order to beat them, you had to catch them, not in an
unforced error, but you had to win the game.
Because they were doing it not just for themselves, but you
(07:14):
could tell they were doing it for a higher purpose, for each
other, for their coach, for their team, for the fans.
And they were doing it over and over and over again for season
after season. And that kind of consistency is
definitely a habit of courage. OK, so let's talk about courage,
the way that Bill Belichick might, number one, prepare
(07:35):
together. This is the idea that consistent
and deliberate practice leads toconfident performance.
Bill says practice execution becomes game reality.
So just as Belichick prepares his team for every scenario,
families can rehearse situationsbefore the heat is on.
(07:55):
And I think this can start smallby role-playing moments of
courage as small as standing up to a friend who has been maybe
saying not nice things to you, but it can also get bigger.
And so a key aspect of this thatis coming up in our life today
is teaching kids that preparation is fundamental to
(08:17):
success, that you have agency inoutcomes.
So last episode I mentioned the spelling bee, and that's because
Hunter has been very anxious about how she will perform at
one of her first ever competitions in school.
(08:39):
And about a week before the spelling bee, she was saying I'm
a terrible speller, I'm going tolook stupid, basically feeling
as though she had absolutely no control over the situation.
And we had a conversation about practice, and before you knew
it, she mastered every word thatwas going to be on the spelling
(09:02):
bee. So I think that while perfection
is unattainable, it's important to teach that diligent practice
gives you what you need, the assurance and the confidence
that you need to perform courageously.
It was a remarkable transformation.
(09:23):
Well, hopefully it's the first of many.
I think you and I see, and I've heard this before, but Joe Rogan
talks about this all the time that CrossFit or martial arts
shows you unequivocally that when you put in hard work, you
improve. Yes.
You cannot deny the improvement that comes with consistent hard
(09:43):
work and deliberate practice. Yeah, there's a real data
flywheel there. The inputs and the outputs are
all yours, and you're putting inthe work and you're seeing
exactly the results that you deserve.
Yeah, and I think that knowledgehelps me show up more
courageously throughout my life,and it's something that I really
want to instill in our children.Yeah, I also think that having a
(10:08):
team and the team that you believe in, where everybody
believes not just in themselves but in the higher purpose,
instills a lot of courage. I know that working together
with you, I have a lot of courage in how I show up in the
world, specifically in areas where I know that you have it.
And I believe that you feel the same way in areas where I have
(10:31):
it. And so we show up as a team much
more confidently than in areas of discipline that aren't
necessarily our true comfort zones.
Sure. Yeah.
I think that, you know, one of the things that really embodies
that within our family culture today is our family cheer.
Yes, I love that the kids started saying our family cheer
before they go to school in the morning because I do think that
they walk out the door with the power of the new Felds behind
(10:54):
them. That's right, Episode 4 Family
values. There you go.
OK, another thing that I hadn't heard before but I love is that
it's important to remind each member of our family that they
have a lead role in whatever event it is.
So Belichick says, remember thatyou are one of the reasons that
(11:16):
this moment is big. You are not here by accident.
Your work brought you to this high stakes moment.
First of all, how inspiring is that?
So inspiring. And so he's talking about the
Super Bowl, right? I might be talking about a
hockey tournament, right? But regardless of how high
stakes it might be in the world,to the member of your family, it
(11:39):
can be high stakes, right? And so this idea that you have
agency and that you are part of what makes this moment special
and big is incredibly powerful. Yeah, there's a lot of imposter
syndrome going around in this world, and that's not something
that I want our kids to to have to carry.
Or at least to know what to do with it when it shows up.
(12:00):
Yes. Because it can be one of those
both ends. It's like I am feeling this way,
like an imposter, Like I don't belong here.
And I know that I am part of what makes this a big moment.
Yeah, and hard work eliminates imposter syndrome.
I don't know if it'll ever eliminate it fully for me, but I
do think it helps. It does help.
(12:22):
Cool. And then finally on this
practice, how to respond to disappointment.
So a lost game or a bad spellingbee outcome or a no from a
friend. Belichick says champions
rehearse the hard stuff. And so I think one thing that I
saw the other day when I was at Hunter School facilitating math
games was a little boy at the end of the game when he lost, he
(12:46):
looked at his friend and he saidgood game and he put out his
hand to shake hands. And I was like, that is some
excellent sportsmanship that he didn't just make up on his own
right now. Like that definitely was role
played in his family. And I would like when we talk
about experiments, for this to be something that we bring into
our family too, is good sportsmanship.
(13:07):
Champions rehearse the hard stuff.
Yeah, let's print that. Put it above our front door.
So when kids know what hard moments might feel like and that
they have their family behind them, they are more likely to
step in with courage. And then the second take away,
embrace life as one big learningopportunity.
I think this really builds upon the idea of champions rehearsing
(13:30):
the hard stuff. You know, one of my favorite
Peloton instructors just Sims. She likes to say it's not
failure, it's feedback, it's redirection.
And I absolutely love that because it does.
It speaks to life as one big learning opportunity.
And when I can look at a mistakeor a failure that I've made and
(13:55):
see it as an opportunity to improve and shift the focus
from, well, acknowledge the disappointment, but then shift
the focus to improvement becausethere always is another
opportunity. It enables courage to keep
going. And Bill echoes this mindset
(14:16):
throughout the book where he says you cannot think of big
tests and triumphs as final in any respect.
There are no end points in winning, period.
That's a great one. What did Ken Griffin say?
Success is 2 times from where I am today, but I feel like I'm a
winner. Something like that.
OK, find that quote. Yeah, put it in.
(14:41):
No, what you mentioned Ken and Iworked for him for a while and I
loved the way he would speak about a lot of investment
strategies, but the market neutral equity strategy in
particular, he would say, you know, regardless of the outcome,
positive or negative, you want to look for the how to improve
the process. And so it was all about building
(15:02):
feedback loops in order to iterate on the process, figure
out how you can improve. And again, Belichick totally
echoes this idea when he says toreach your ultimate goal, you
cannot try to master a result, you must master a process.
A good process results in good habits, and consistent good
(15:22):
habits results in dependability.Therefore, good results will
follow. Ain't that the truth?
It is, but I didn't know this 25years ago.
I played competitive sports growing up.
Nobody ever told me that I had to focus on the process.
No. In business, it's the process.
In taking care of your body, it's the process.
(15:45):
In parenting, it's the process. It's the process.
Because I mess up constantly. If I can make amends and I can
try to do better, I know that I will have plenty more
opportunities with our children to improve.
One thing that Belichick mentioned in his book that I
hadn't heard before comes from Rodger Federer's 2024 Dartmouth
(16:08):
commencement address. He says In the 1526 singles
matches that I played in my career, I won almost 80% of
them. But what percentage of points do
you think I won in those matches?
Only 54%. In other words, even the top
ranked tennis players, and I would say the greatest tennis
(16:29):
player in the world barely win more than half of the points
they play. And he says when you lose every
second point on average, you learn not to dwell on every
single shot. So if it's good enough for Roger
Federer and it's good enough forBelichick, it is going to be
good enough for the new Felds. So let's talk about how to apply
(16:50):
this always be learning or continuous improvement to our
family. The 1st is to normalize
mistakes. And this goes back to our
stories episode, our family money episode.
So episodes 2:00 and 8:00. But Brene has this great
statement that I heard in a podcast of hers not too long ago
(17:12):
where she says normalization is the antidote to shame.
Letting our whole family know, letting it be known within our
family that mistakes, failures, setbacks are inevitable.
Everyone experiences them. And what differentiates you is
how you handle them and how you move on what you do next.
(17:34):
I love that. And that's where the courage
comes in, right? Once you know that mistakes
happen for everyone, you are able to be courageous in getting
back out there. OK.
And then one other element that I love thinking about is how do
you manage defeat when you are not winning?
That's right. I mean, I can really see how
(17:55):
easy it is for parents to get the wrong message from observing
their kids winning and losing. And that message is like, oh,
they're good at this. They need to work on this.
But I don't want to protect themfrom being bad at something.
I can see how easy it is to wantthat, but that's not what I
want. If they never get to be bad at
(18:17):
it, they'll never stick around long enough to get good.
And so that kind of flips the goal for me.
Instead of helping them succeed,I just want to help them stay in
it long enough to grow. Yeah, except being bad at
something for as long as it takes to get good at it.
Hopefully we're modeling that with this podcast.
That's right. We're trying, guys, Iterating.
(18:38):
Yeah. Yeah.
So I think that's it when it comes to courage.
For me to build the habit of courage and vulnerability, it
takes scaffolding. And particularly, it comes down
to preparing together and embracing life as one big
learning opportunity as a family.
This is a topic so near and dearto my heart.
(18:58):
I hope you can feel the passion that I have in it.
I love talking about a process orientation and seeing life as
one big learning opportunity. I also so believe that practice
makes progress and that discipline is how I personally
can differentiate. I'm not the smartest, I'm not
(19:19):
the strongest, but I am a very disciplined person and I have
seen amazing outcomes in my lifethrough deliberate practice and
it is something that I very strongly want to imbue in our
family culture. Beautifully said.
(19:40):
OK, So what experiments are you interested in running with
regards to courage and how to practice it within our family?
What can we commit to today? Well, it sounds like a lot of
the experiments that we're running have a through line to
courage already. So specifically family values,
family stories and to a degree family meetings as an
(20:03):
opportunity to share when somebody was courageous.
So through compliments and appreciations where we saw
courage, not just where we saw somebody being kind.
Courage is sometimes has a lot of bad behavior before courage
because you get. Amped up about the thing that
you don't want to do and then you do it anyway.
(20:25):
And recognizing that courage in our kids, you know, after that
tantrum, you went talking to youand you and you did the hard
thing. You practice deliberately.
You practice deliberately. So I do think that those
experiments are fluid right now,and this is a good notice and an
opportunity for us to show up noticing courage specifically
(20:46):
and calling that out. But what else?
What else comes to mind? I would say the practicing how
to respond to disappointment is one that I definitely want to
take away. So role-playing what happens
when things don't go properly? And this isn't meant to like
wallow in a loss or in self pity, but just to acknowledge
the disappointment and remain noble and look for the
(21:11):
opportunity for improvement. Yeah, I love this 54% of points
one and I'm wondering what aboutwriting down the things that
didn't go our way? Interesting.
Tell me more. For example, we recently at
work, we had a successful fundraise, I would say.
(21:32):
And how many people did we talk to in order to achieve that
goal? I mean, we probably converted
10%, maybe 8%. Yeah, 54 of.
The conversations that we had and we don't need to write all
of those little things down, butsaying, you know, and pointing
to 92% of the people we talked to.
(21:55):
Said no it didn't. Even ultimately be no, it just
weren't a fit, but we but we made that next call.
We sent that next e-mail and we we did the next right thing.
And look at us. We got to our goal in spite of
and because of that process. Right, because we focused on the
process. Exactly.
(22:15):
And when we received outcomes that we didn't necessarily want,
we looked at ways that we can improve.
Yeah. And then looking back, I don't
remember any of those conversations that Word knows.
Didn't it? Doesn't really matter.
Doesn't matter. I just remember who we're, who
we're partnered with and who we're working with.
Yeah, that's a that's a really good point.
I don't know about like a law sport, but I do think that this
(22:39):
idea of Rodger Federer only winning 54% of the points that
he played in his life is one of those key lessons that I really
want our kids to know as soon aspossible.
It's by the way it it holds truethe best portfolio managers in
equities that citadel were right54% of the time also.
(23:00):
So. It's cross disciplinary it.
Sure is. Right.
So this is about singles and double s and having lots of at
bats. And that's, sorry, lots of
sports analogies here, but that's how you win.
And I think that it's not just about winning, but it's about
how you build confidence to showup courageously, repeatedly.
(23:24):
Yeah. We just need to normalize the
losses. It's not necessarily a loss
board, I agree. But normalizing the losses and
talking about wins and losses not as a bad thing, but as a
part of the process. Yeah.
And let's just try to talk aboutlike, let's play the tape all
the way through and not telling the kids to just be courageous
(23:45):
or be brave or go out there. But to talk about, no, you have
the opportunity to practice and you did practice and therefore
you can be courageous, right? Yeah, and I do like those three
questions that have a three lineto Belichick that have a three
line to Bruce Feiler. You know, what did we do well,
(24:07):
what can we do better next time?And what experiments can we run?
Yeah, those are the right questions to ask ourselves to
our kids at work, our colleagues, to our clients,
everything. Yeah.
Those three questions keep coming up and I think that
they're very useful framework toremain flexible and continuously
(24:28):
improve. That's right.
Well, here's to that. This is a topic we could talk
for hours about and read many, many more books about.
But I do think that embodying this for our kids, for ourselves
and showing up as a team, talking about the team spirit
that we have and why we're winners and why it's OK to be a
(24:50):
winner and also to lose some time 5050, you know?
It's more like. 46% of the. Time be a player, is the way I
think about it. Be in the arena.
Be in the arena. But yeah, when you develop good
habits and practice deliberately, you tend to get
good results persistently. That's right.
And so that really is what winning is, right?
(25:10):
So 54% of the time. Yeah, remarkable.
Totally. All right, I think we can leave
it here. Cool.
Love you, Goosey. Love you, goosey.
Hey guys, if you're still here, you're definitely our kind of
person. Thanks for spending this time
with us on The Most Important Thing.
If this episode resonated with you, we'd love for you to follow
(25:33):
us wherever you get your podcasts and share it with
someone else. Building family culture on
purpose.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.