September 8, 2025 • 38 mins
🎙️ TMIT 26: Sometimes kids run into conflict with other kids. But sometimes kids run into conflict with grownups—teachers, coaches, camp counselors, even random adults in the community. And when that happens, most of us as parents want to swoop in and handle it ourselves.
In this episode, we share a different path. One where we don’t jump in to solve the problem, but instead equip our kids to handle it directly. We call this leading from the bench, and it’s one of the best ways to help our kids grow their leadership skills and build family culture.
We walk through:
- Why “sometimes adults suck” is a simple fact our kids will face.
- The sweet spot where saying something is necessary—but it’s more effective coming from our kid.
- How research shows that giving stretch assignments—challenges just outside their comfort zone, with scaffolds for success—is the #1 driver of leadership growth.
- Why the trusted ally in the situation shouldn’t always be you, and how to support your kid in finding that person.
- How to equip your kid with language that aligns with your family values.
We also share a real story from tennis camp that left our kids feeling unsafe. And for the first time ever, our daughters are on the pod! You’ll hear directly from Hunter how she handled it and how (in her view) it changed the outcome—for her, for her sister Jade, and even for the adult involved.
By the end of this episode, you’ll have a new way of thinking about what to do the next time your child comes home saying: “An adult misunderstood me… and it didn’t feel okay.”
Because as much as we want to protect them, the real gift we can give our kids is the confidence, language, and resilience to navigate conflict on their own.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey everyone. Welcome back to The Most
Important Thing. I'm Greg, joined here with
Danielle, and I think we're going to jump right into it.
Today we got a topic about why adults sometimes suck and what
we can do about it as parents. That's right, yeah.
I don't know if it's really why adults suck, it's just the fact
that they do suck sometimes. Yeah, I'm not going to get into
(00:21):
why. Exactly right.
So, you know, just a stated factthat adults sometimes suck and
so how can we lead our kids through conflict that they
inevitably will have with other grown-ups in their lives?
Yeah, I think lead is the operative word there because we
really want to enable our children to handle conflicts
(00:42):
with people outside the family, kids and adults.
And adults is a really tricky one.
I know growing up my parents mostly handled those situations
for me. And I think people today often
times still do. And that's why this was an
episode that we sat on for a little while because we're
trying to figure out how to, well, we really want to showcase
(01:05):
what we've experimented with a couple of times over the past
few months. And that really involves leading
from the bench and not intervening directly when our
kids have conflict with adults. And so we'd like to offer you
something today that at the end of this episode, you'll have a
new path, a a different approachto experiment with the next time
(01:28):
your child comes home and says that an adult in their life, but
be it a teacher, a coach, or even a person at the grocery
store, has harmed them in some way.
Yep, Yeah, I think this is a good time for this discussion.
We're all back to school, right?It's it's the time where new
adults enter our children's lives.
And often times you know that just is a a minefield for
(01:53):
potential conflict and also potential understanding.
Yeah, one thing I can almost guarantee is that each of our
children will come home within the next couple of weeks and say
my new teacher misunderstood me in X way, or I was sitting at
circle and someone said I was talking when I wasn't really.
And so this is just an opportunity to not just parents,
(02:16):
to not stop with the parenting, if you will.
I think, you know, if you're listening to this podcast,
you're definitely trained in gentle and empathetic parenting,
of validating your child's feelings and saying, yeah, that
really wasn't cool. And also being curious and
working to empathize with the way that they're really feeling.
But what comes next, and I thinkthat to date, what I have seen
(02:39):
is really you just do nothing else and just kind of let the
the opportunity settle, which issometimes the right course, but
sometimes things happen with kids that are a little bit more
serious. And rather than intervening
ourselves and causing a secondary conflict between two
(03:00):
adults, we would like to proposeusing this as a stretch
assignment, as a leadership opportunity for your child to
assert their needs in a responsible, humble way.
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I know that it's so
(03:21):
funny because growing up and andstill today I see parents, my
parents did this would encourageme to like say hello to
everyone, right? Like sure, like, hey, you know,
make sure that you say hi to your neighbor, make sure you say
hi to the crossing guard, all those things.
But then if there was ever an issue with an adult, it'd be
like Nope, you're out of the picture, move aside.
(03:43):
I got this. Yeah.
And I think that that comes fromthe most beautiful place, of
course, right? But I really like this when we
talk about family as a team. If I am the captain of the team,
sometimes that means that I'm leading on the field and
sometimes that means that I'm leading from the bench.
And I think that if the situation is right, if it's
(04:04):
serious enough to do something about, but not so serious that
absolutely the kid has to be outof the room, there's kind of
this sweet spot that I'd like totalk about today where we really
can use it as an opportunity to build confidence within our
children. Can I give an example?
Yeah. Yeah, OK, great.
So true story, but I would love for you to imagine that you are
(04:28):
five years old and you are at camp for the first time ever,
full day camp that's not your preschool and you're with your
sister. So that makes it a little bit
easier. But it's Day 2.
So it's your second day of summer tennis camp, let's say,
and you're in the cafeteria at lunchtime with the other kids in
(04:49):
your cohort as well as your coach.
And things start to get a littlesilly, a little loud, as they
tend to do, and everybody's having a lot of fun.
And the next thing you know, a man from the front desk you
don't really know, don't know his name, comes into the door
and says, stop yelling. Everybody be quiet.
No yelling. And it scares you a little bit.
(05:12):
And so everything gets quiet forfor a few minutes.
And then within the next 5 to 10minutes, it's pretty loud again.
We're having fun. We're playing some silly game
that really makes us all feel together and bonded.
And the next thing you know, that same man walks back into
the door, this time with a flashing blue and red phone
(05:34):
screaming into it. That's it.
The police are coming. They're going to be here in 5
minutes because you guys didn't listen.
How do you feel? I feel scared.
Hold me. Yeah, and that's how Jade felt
too. She ran to her sister and
started hysterically crying and Hunter felt really scared as
(06:00):
well, but she was the big sisterin that moment so held her and
thankfully eventually some otheradults intervened and told Jade
that it's OK that the guy was joking.
But both of them came home that day really feeling unsafe by
(06:22):
what had happened in that situation, and I don't think
they were alone. No.
And so when Hunter told us rightafter the second day of tennis
camp this year, my first reaction, of course, was, Oh my
God, who's this guy I'm going tocall right now?
I'm going to RIP him a new one. These people have never seen the
(06:44):
wrath like Danielle Neufeld. How awful.
How dare you violate my childrenlike that.
And that lasted for like 7 minutes and then my second
feeling was like I'm the worst mom ever.
(07:05):
So much shame. Like how did I put my children
in such an unsafe situation? From now on, they are only going
to camp at their schools or at another place where I know that
a teacher has been trained in conscious discipline.
And they will never experience another adult like this ever
again in their life. Never again will they be
(07:25):
violated or manipulated or givenfear tactics in order to obey.
Because that's just not how I think childhood should ever be.
And I, as you know, like, I am definitely a defender of
childhood. So this got all wrapped up in my
sense of like, injustice, right?And shame.
So I was like, OK, that's it. Pulling them out of camp.
(07:48):
They're going to go to the campsI know forever more till they're
18. Yeah, so first outrage, then let
me put them in a box so that no one can ever harm them again.
Your move. Actually, it's like no
advertisements, black and white,like, right, we're going to keep
them safe, keep them in this bubble.
And then about an hour later, I think I started to come down a
(08:08):
bit, which is, you know, the power of the pause.
I do have to say that like, something came over me.
I don't know why I didn't call them in that moment, but I'm
really glad that I didn't. And I think it's because we'd
had a couple of situations like this one, nothing as incredibly
glaring at a place as outside our home.
They've been things that we could brush off before, I think,
(08:30):
But we used a framework that we'd like to share with you
today to really lead our family in seeing this as a growth
opportunity, seeing it as a way to align with our values and
potentially change others behavior in the future.
Maybe not, but definitely show up the way that we want to.
(08:52):
Not causing more drama in the situation, but instead showing
people what happens when they treat us in a way that's not
cool. Yeah.
And you know, we have a lot of the people involved, or at least
the adults that were in the roomon text.
So it took a lot of strength andpausing to not just immediately
(09:14):
fire off an angry text being like, how dare you?
Because that's that's really like the first line of defense
in today's parenting is like overreacting.
And you have something right there that can, can, can
communicate with them. You don't even have to pick up
the phone and confront them. You can just send an angry text
like. Having only heard one side of
the story, yeah. How it's and we've been on the
(09:39):
receiving end of. That from A to peer-to-peer
conference. Yeah, totally.
But like, it took a lot and I applaud you for thinking that
there's probably another way to handle this.
Yeah, And this goes back to justthis idea again of family as a
team or family as a democracy, where I know that Jade in this
(10:00):
moment is not capable yet of necessarily standing up for
herself in that environment where she's only day 2 into a,
into something that's not her preschool, right.
We spoke before about how Jade, when having conflict with a
peer, was able to do heart repair in that situation.
But this one a bit too far out of her zone of proximal
(10:21):
development, if you will. But Hunter, I knew, was ready to
do something about it. Even the way that she told us
the story, she felt that it was unjust and not OK and was
looking for a way to rectify thesituation.
And we didn't want to step in. And So what did we do?
(10:45):
The first, I think, is this mindset shift that we're talking
about, which is we as the parents don't always have to
intervene. Sometimes we can lead from the
bench and this offers the opportunity for one of the best
drivers of leadership growth that we know from research,
which is called a stretch assignment.
So what is a stretch assignment?A stretch assignment is
(11:05):
something that is just beyond a person's current capabilities,
but when supported correctly canreally lead to optimal growth.
Not only that, but success in stretch assignments and offering
stretch assignments in general is the #1 driver of leadership
growth. We know that from leadership
research through things like theCenter for Creative Leadership
(11:27):
and others. So why not try to offer her in
this in this space where she's been wronged and her sister has
been wronged, but she's in a relatively safe environment
where she knows many of the players to really step into that
time where she can stand up for not just herself, but her sister
too. So that's one.
(11:50):
See this as a stretch assignment.
And then what do we do within the stretch assignment?
Two things. The first one is to identify a
trusted adult in the situation that is not you or me.
It is not mom or dad. And so in this case, her coach
was actually in the room in the kitchen in the when the man came
(12:11):
in both times. And so he witnessed everything
that happened and in that momentdidn't say anything, nor did he
validate or empathize or the things that we do as parents.
And so he would have been the person that I think in path A or
old path, we would have gone to right and yelled at.
(12:32):
How could you not defend them orwhatever it is?
But we know that that's going toput him immediately on the
defensive, that based on what weknow about him as a trusted
individual, that he probably does feel a certain kind of way
tonight, right? In that when this is happening
and probably wasn't that proud of the way he didn't show up for
(12:53):
the kids already, right? So we don't want to shame or
further disrespect someone who wasn't operating from their best
self. No.
And we didn't know the the, the rank and order of the
organization. Is he is it his boss?
We don't know who this man is. No, and I think that's
intentional too. Like we we knew that this was a
(13:13):
person that who'd been the the kids instructional coach for
months on the weekends. We put them in a safe enough
space in tennis camp where we knew some of the players.
But to be honest, like we, we aren't the types of helicopter
parents that are going to go in and audit the first day and make
sure that everything is being done by the rules 'cause that
I'm climbing my own mountains. People like I just don't.
(13:36):
I'm making sure that they are safe, that they are well taken
care of. And I trust the relationship
that I have with my child that they have been trained to
recognize when things are awry and to come and report it to me
and resist in the moment. So anyway, back to this idea of
a trusted adult, there's this concept called flash mentoring,
(13:57):
which has been more recently studied in research, which is so
Harvard's done a lot of researchon long term mentorship, right?
And how that builds increased confidence and resilience in
children. But more recently, and this is
also something that we heard in our book that we read recently
called The Culture Code, there'sthis idea of flash mentoring.
So it's this short term opportunistic opportunities to
(14:21):
find a trusted ally or a mentor to get through a challenging
situation that can also lead to boosted confidence and
resilience. And then the bigger point here
in finding a trusted mentor is really what kind of community do
we want to create and what kind of community are we really
(14:42):
sharing with our children? What vision are we sharing with
our children for the outside from the outside world?
Are we teaching them that the only safe adults are your close
relatives or the people that youspend time with every day?
Or are we, and this is the worldI want to live in.
Most people are inherently good.Most people will support you.
(15:02):
And so trust your intuition in finding those people.
And that's, I think a key part of this is like helping our
children develop strong intuition and going with their
gut, but that if you feel like you can rely on someone in your
community that's not your mom and dad, you're probably right.
(15:24):
And I think this flies in the face of so much that we are
being pushed today about how unsafe people can be.
And so for me, in the same way that like Lenore Skonosy is like
free range kids and we want to have kids more outside and
they'd have to be outside for 47,000 years before
statistically they would get abducted.
I'm like, hey, let your kid develop an intuition about who
(15:47):
in the community other than their close family members or
the people that they see every day can be trusted.
Can they go to? Can they rely upon in situations
where we're not there? For sure.
That's the world I want to live in.
Me too. I don't know if this goes hand
in hand with that lesson, but the mantra in our home that I
(16:10):
like to instill is you are the customer and you have a
customer's Bill of Rights, whichis you should feel safe in the
place where we are paying good money for you to go to camp.
You deserve to you. Deserve to.
And if you're not, if something disrupts or interrupts your
feeling of safety, check yourself.
Did I do anything that was out of line?
(16:33):
And then if the answer is no andthink, OK, now that I know that
I can sleep at night with the actions that I did versus what
other people are bringing in, I'm going to absolve myself
first and foremost. Because even if that adult never
learns that like to do the rightthing, like I don't want our
(16:55):
kids to feel like they're doing the wrong thing, right?
Like especially when they're being playful at camp with their
friends. So I think that the shame is the
feeling that I really want to put to bed 1st.
And then I want to talk about resolving the conflict to make
it feel safe to go back. Yeah, absolutely.
And I think that that's what a lot of us do at home today,
(17:16):
which is the validating something that really wasn't
done in the 80s and 90s, at least not in my home, not for
better or for worse. But there wasn't any sense of
like, no, what happened to you was not OK.
And I am so big on telling our children what happened to you is
not OK. And let me hear your feelings
about it. I'm here to support you.
But that is parenting. And we're not here to talk about
(17:37):
parenting. We assume that you're already
great parents. I'm sure you are.
What we're here to talk about ishow to lead.
And I think too often either thescript ends there with the
validation and the empathy. And so as parents, we feel like
we have two choices, intervene or say nothing.
And I'm saying we are saying there's a third choice.
(17:58):
And that third choice is to really empower your child to, in
a respectful way, share with a trusted adult what happened and
what they need from the in orderto resolve the situation both in
the present and going forward. Yeah, I want to circle back to
(18:18):
this idea of being a customer 'cause I think it's a really
useful framework that could veryeasily be misinterpreted.
So when you say remember that you're the customer, I think
back to many of much of what wasmodelled for me around being a
customer, which was demanding myneeds get met.
(18:39):
And when I felt outraged about injustice, we got, we didn't get
the right hotel room. This order is wrong, whatever it
may be, at a restaurant, at a hotel, whatever it was, anger
and outrage. And you must listen to me
because I own you. You're laughing, but it's true.
(19:03):
And so I think of yeah, I yeah, I'm the customer.
And that is not who you are at all.
And so I think it's really important to follow that thread
in what you mean by you are the customer.
Yeah, I mean, when you're the customer, you can walk away.
You have other options. And for me personally, I like to
(19:27):
think of myself as like a warm greeting and the best version of
the customer that anyone's ever experienced.
I. Mean.
That's an understatement becauseyou are so amazing at
ingratiating yourself with whoever is on the other side of
the table. It's like a work of art, people.
It really is. Well, I, I want people to feel
appreciated and I want to feel appreciated.
(19:49):
So the best way to get appreciation is to appreciate
others for the work that they'redoing and to let them know that
I know that you're trying your best, but there's got to be
another way for me to get the thing that I need because I kind
of need that thing. And that, I think is so
beautiful. And your influence really has a
(20:10):
lot to do with the third step, which is what should Hunter
actually be saying to her coach,who we've identified as that
trusted ally? Because if she goes up to him
and says, like, that was awful, how did you not protect me?
Like, that's not going to be good.
That might even be worse than a parent saying it, right?
He's going to think, this kid's a little shit.
(20:31):
And so how can we show up with our best selves in a language
that really aligns with our family's values and isn't trying
to put someone on the defensive or shame them in any way?
Isn't really about anger and injustice, but is instead about
(20:52):
a way to build connection. I think hand raised, I think
it's about both in the situationof being the customer I'm
putting this together, and in the situation of getting what
you need out of a conflict resolution statement.
The answer is make it about yourself.
Yeah. Right.
(21:12):
Totally. It's not about what the other
person did or didn't do. It's not about what the fear
moment was and how that shouldn't have never happened
and how could you let that happen?
It's about how it made you feel.For sure.
And that's the work to do at home, right?
Because Hunter definitely was like all of those things about,
(21:34):
you know, this shouldn't have happened and that shouldn't have
happened. The injustice, right?
She, like me, has a very tight hold on anger and injustice
together. And so kind of breaking that
apart and spending time with heron know what, what was the real
feeling there? You felt unsafe.
We as your family are going to validate that that was unsafe
(21:54):
and validate your feelings around that.
We can't trust an ally or otherwise.
We, we are not going to expect that from other people, right?
What we are going to expect fromother people is for you to share
the way that it made you feel without a need for validation
and what you need in the future.So really leveraging these
(22:15):
research backed principles of nonviolent communication, which
really involve the an observation, so an internal
observation of what happened foryou, identifying your feelings.
So key, like you said, not abouthow other people responded in
the situation, but how it actually made you feel.
And then what are your needs andwhat are your requests?
(22:37):
And so a little bit later, we'regoing to have a special guest to
talk in detail about what she actually did say to her coach.
Yeah, so back to heart repair. This is a a skill for life, and
we're teaching our kids that it's not just about pure
conflict resolution, it's about conflict resolution with
(23:00):
anybody. Just as long as you say what you
need and how things made you feel, you cannot be in the
wrong. Absolutely.
And so heart repair is the developmentally appropriate name
for nonviolent communication, right?
Yeah. And with much more marketable
name as well. I think so.
I like it. OK, so to recap, the next time
(23:24):
that you feel like you want to intervene for your child because
something has happened, I encourage you to experiment and
apply our three-step playbook. The first one mindset shift.
See this as a stretch assignmentfor your child.
Know that that drives leadershipgrowth, which supports family as
a team. But in order to do that, it
(23:47):
needs to be right outside their comfort zone, so in that zone of
proximal development, and it needs to be supported by you in
a way that can lead to a positive outcome, maybe not
always 100% success, but a positive outcome.
So that's number one, the mindset shift.
And then how do we go about that?
Find a trusted ally. In almost every situation that
(24:10):
we've encountered, which, you know, the tennis assignment was
one, There were a couple that happened at school as well.
Hunter's been able to find a trusted ally, so someone that
maybe was on the play scape or was in the school environment
that was way closer to the situation than we were, who we
knew was going to hear her and advocate for her in some way and
(24:36):
that she could really talk to using this nonviolent
communication language. And sometimes if the person you
know, sometimes the person that the child has conflict with may
be the trusted ally, it must might have just been a bad day
for that person. So sometimes they can be 1 and
the same. And then the third is really
developing that language to support the child on their
(24:58):
stretch assignment as a family that aligns with your values.
So for us that is around nonviolent communication,
expressing your feelings and what you observed in the
situation, and then stating whatyou need and requesting that it
get met. Yep.
What about witnesses to the communication, to the heart
(25:19):
repair to the NVC? Do you think that it's
necessary? Helpful sometimes?
Sure, sometimes. It's situational.
Yeah. I think it can be a little
intimidating to have a one-on-one with a, even if with
a trusted adult to make sure that because look, when you and
I talk to one another, I'm goingto parrot back what I heard from
(25:41):
you so that we get very clear. But with somebody that might not
be familiar with this type of kind of heart repair
conversation, it could be misconstrued.
It could go one ear out the other.
The child could feel like it's done as soon as they say their
words. You know, I've seen kids go up
to adults and be like, thank youso much for blah, blah, blah,
and then run away. You know, when when a parent
(26:02):
says go, thank, go thank them asopposed to waiting for the
you're welcome or, you know, anyof that.
So I'm just thinking like, should the framework be when you
have, you know, should there, should there always be a trusted
third party in the room? I wouldn't say necessarily
honestly. I mean, so I guess part of this
is we practice nonviolent communication and and heart
(26:25):
repair at home. So Hunter knows what she's doing
when she goes to an adult. It doesn't always have to be.
I talk, then you talk, then I talk, then you talk, then you
talk then. It doesn't have to always.
Be that. It can just be a way of of
stating your needs clearly in a way that doesn't put someone
else on the defensive. I think what I'm trying to get
at is follow up and documentation.
(26:47):
I feel like is the way to to make sure that things don't
happen again so that there's no repeat.
Yeah, I mean, I guess let's playthe story all the way through.
So the next day, Hunter went up to her coach, who again, was in
the lunchroom when this happenedand said, hey, coach, what
happened yesterday made me and Jade feel unsafe.
(27:10):
I need you to make sure that doesn't ever happen again.
And to his credit, he did validate her in the moment.
He said, I agree, Hunter, what happened yesterday was not OK.
I've already spoken with him andit's not going to happen again.
And I want to believe that that's because she trusted her
(27:31):
intuition that this was a trustworthy person that she
could go to. So this is actually the part
that makes this story really important is that I don't want
to make too much of our, of our family, you know, making waves.
But I think this was a great opportunity for someone to maybe
even expect for us to call afterthe way that Jade reacted, but
(27:54):
to not experience that and instead have have Hunter as a
thoughtful child, really come upto him and explain how she felt
and what she needs from him. Yeah, instead of us going to him
and him immediately being on thedefensive.
Totally. So much better.
I mean, like everybody gets their needs met there.
Yeah. So I'm not saying there's a
world where, you know, if this was happening repeatedly or
(28:17):
there was something more significant with regards to, you
know, something, something really bad happening, of course
we would intervene. But I again, I do believe that
there is this sweet spot where achild really feels that they've
been harmed, but it is not so bad that parents need to
immediately intervene, that there's really this, this growth
(28:39):
opportunity for both the child and the adult who sucks at that
moment to really make change. I think when it comes to
problems with peers and definitely problems between
children and trusted adults or adults in one of their camps,
schools, after school programs, etcetera.
(28:59):
Like it's like a inverted dartboard, like it's all
bullseye for things that the children can probably handle
with a little bit around the rimwhere we should intervene.
That's been our experience to date, yeah.
Yeah. Cool.
I also just want to say that I believe that this is of the
utmost importance because it is on us, people of our generation,
(29:21):
to really turn this tsunami thatis happening around immaturity
in American culture today with kids and Gen.
Z Living with their parents in their 30s, many of them not even
not married, but not even dating.
These are the small stakes opportunities that enable our
(29:44):
children to build confidence so that when they go out into the
workplace, make friends, start dating.
They have language around what they need, requests they can
make and how they they can be heard, they can be heard.
(30:05):
And so I think this is incredibly important because the
way that our cultural trajectoryis going, it does not look good.
And so it's really on us as thisgeneration of parents to begin
early in leading our children into these stretch assignments.
Wow, it's that's a powerful thought.
(30:27):
Next time I you, any of you out there, think about standing up
for your kids before letting them try.
Think about your kid living in your basement until they're 35.
That's right. And we don't even have a
basement, so it would be right next door.
OK, And then one more thing, because I've been reading this
book, Family Dynamics about sibling success.
(30:49):
And so I just cannot under scoreenough how beautiful it is that
Jade gets to watch Hunter assertfor our family and to not just
protect Jade, but to stand up for herself as well 'cause we
know that Hunter was shaking in her boots, even though she
wasn't the one crying because she was operating as the big
(31:12):
sister. But more and more research is
showing that, well, parents havesome influence in setting values
and expectations, but it's really the sibling dynamic that
is going to create that upward spiral of confidence and
resilience and success. And so I think this is a
beautiful example of Hunter taking the lead and really
(31:35):
demonstrating what good can looklike for Jade.
Yeah, it's awesome. It's awesome.
And I want more of it. Absolutely cool.
Cool all. Right, well, thanks everybody
for listening. I love you, goosey love.
You goosey. Hey Hunter.
Hey Jade. So mommy and I just recorded an
(31:58):
episode about a number of thingsreally helping our family to
have conversations, tough conversations with other adults
without mommy and daddy getting involved.
And the the episode talked a little bit about an experience
(32:19):
that you both had, a tennis camp.
And so rather than us putting words in your mouth, just wanted
to hear what happened in that event and how it was resolved.
We were doing like something andthen it made me feel scared,
weird and I don't know. So a guy came out with a police
(32:44):
phone, is that what happened? Well, it wasn't a real police
phone. It was just like a flashing.
Light. Do you think it was real at the
moment? Well.
Maybe. What kind of you didn't you
didn't think it was fake? Yeah.
So you were a little bit worried, right?
That some man was going to call the police on you, but he was
just playing at prank. Yikes.
(33:06):
I bet that didn't feel good. Jade, how did it feel?
You were sad. Were you a little scared?
Yeah. And so after you came home and
told us about what had happened,what did we say?
What did we suggest that you do?You said for a sit down coach.
Uh huh. Well, really for me to tell
(33:27):
coach how he felt and what we need.
What did you need? Well, we needed that not to
happen again. So were you able to say that to
coach? How did you say it?
Well, I said, Coach, I need to tell you something.
And then I tell him, Coach I I didn't feel good when when the
(33:54):
guy came in the room flash with the flashing light and pretended
pranked us and said he was calling the police.
Yeah. And I need you to make sure that
does not happen again. What did he say?
He said. I talked, yes, Center.
(34:18):
I talked with the guy who came in and he said he wouldn't do
it. OK.
And did he say that he was sorry?
Yes. And did he say that he should
have said something? No.
Oh, OK. Interesting.
Well, did that resolve it for you?
Did that make it feel like you need got what you needed?
(34:39):
Well, yeah. OK.
And what about you, Jade? Do you feel like you got what
you needed when Hunter said that?
Yes. Yeah, that's great.
Hunter, how did you and Jade come to the conclusion that
Coach was a safe person to talk to?
Well. We didn't really, we just
thought because we've been with him for a long time.
(35:04):
Yeah. And like we thought maybe we
should tell him. But first, we told you right.
Yeah. Because we didn't know what to
do at that. Time, Right.
But now when you trust people, you don't need to trust them all
the way, But if you trust them enough to listen to you because
(35:27):
they've been with you for some time, you would feel comfortable
in another scenario with anotheradult doing something similar
Now. Yeah.
Yeah. How does that feel?
To to know that you can take this on yourself?
Great. Yeah.
Tell us more about how it feels to have mommy and daddy trust
(35:50):
you to talk to other adults. Tell us how it feels inside.
Good and scary. What's scary about it?
Hold the microphone close. First, like so it's scary
because it's hard sometimes to stand up for yourself and say it
(36:14):
yourself. It's the of having a per errant
or person do it for you, but it's better for you to do it.
Yeah. And it feels like it's more
repeatable, right, that you actually can take on these types
of situations yourself versus having to wait for someone else
(36:36):
to do it. Yeah.
Anyway, because like, if Mama would have said it or you would
have said it, it would just makeit all different and I don't
think Coach would say the same things he said to me.
Yeah, right, because then it's not about you and him having a
conversation. So this is actually better.
(36:59):
You bring up a good point where this is actually better for the
adult too. It's not just better for the
kids involved. Yeah, because for the adult and
person's relationship. Yeah, totally love it.
Well, thank you so much for sharing.
This is a beautiful reflection on what sounds like started out
as a hard experience, but now isan empowering 1.
And we hope that you don't run into many of these, but we know
(37:23):
that you will. So we know that you're prepared.
And that's what we're here to help you do is prepare.
Any parting words? Well, I'd like to say thank you
for helping me. I cross my feelings.
You're so welcome, Say my feelings.
You are so welcome. Thanks for trusting us to share
(37:45):
them. You're welcome, Love you love.
You too. Hey guys, if you're still here,
you're definitely our kind of person.
Thanks for spending this time with us on The Most Important
Thing. If this episode resonated with
you, we'd love for you to followus wherever you get your
(38:05):
podcasts and share it with someone else.
Building family culture on purpose.
Hey everyone. Welcome back to The Most
Important Thing. I'm Greg, joined here with
Danielle, and I think we're going to jump right into it.
Today we got a topic about why adults sometimes suck and what
we can do about it as parents. That's right, yeah.
I don't know if it's really why adults suck, it's just the fact
that they do suck sometimes. Yeah, I'm not going to get into
(00:21):
why. Exactly right.
So, you know, just a stated factthat adults sometimes suck and
so how can we lead our kids through conflict that they
inevitably will have with other grown-ups in their lives?
Yeah, I think lead is the operative word there because we
really want to enable our children to handle conflicts
(00:42):
with people outside the family, kids and adults.
And adults is a really tricky one.
I know growing up my parents mostly handled those situations
for me. And I think people today often
times still do. And that's why this was an
episode that we sat on for a little while because we're
trying to figure out how to, well, we really want to showcase
(01:05):
what we've experimented with a couple of times over the past
few months. And that really involves leading
from the bench and not intervening directly when our
kids have conflict with adults. And so we'd like to offer you
something today that at the end of this episode, you'll have a
new path, a a different approachto experiment with the next time
(01:28):
your child comes home and says that an adult in their life, but
be it a teacher, a coach, or even a person at the grocery
store, has harmed them in some way.
Yep, Yeah, I think this is a good time for this discussion.
We're all back to school, right?It's it's the time where new
adults enter our children's lives.
And often times you know that just is a a minefield for
(01:53):
potential conflict and also potential understanding.
Yeah, one thing I can almost guarantee is that each of our
children will come home within the next couple of weeks and say
my new teacher misunderstood me in X way, or I was sitting at
circle and someone said I was talking when I wasn't really.
And so this is just an opportunity to not just parents,
(02:16):
to not stop with the parenting, if you will.
I think, you know, if you're listening to this podcast,
you're definitely trained in gentle and empathetic parenting,
of validating your child's feelings and saying, yeah, that
really wasn't cool. And also being curious and
working to empathize with the way that they're really feeling.
But what comes next, and I thinkthat to date, what I have seen
(02:39):
is really you just do nothing else and just kind of let the
the opportunity settle, which issometimes the right course, but
sometimes things happen with kids that are a little bit more
serious. And rather than intervening
ourselves and causing a secondary conflict between two
(03:00):
adults, we would like to proposeusing this as a stretch
assignment, as a leadership opportunity for your child to
assert their needs in a responsible, humble way.
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, I know that it's so
(03:21):
funny because growing up and andstill today I see parents, my
parents did this would encourageme to like say hello to
everyone, right? Like sure, like, hey, you know,
make sure that you say hi to your neighbor, make sure you say
hi to the crossing guard, all those things.
But then if there was ever an issue with an adult, it'd be
like Nope, you're out of the picture, move aside.
(03:43):
I got this. Yeah.
And I think that that comes fromthe most beautiful place, of
course, right? But I really like this when we
talk about family as a team. If I am the captain of the team,
sometimes that means that I'm leading on the field and
sometimes that means that I'm leading from the bench.
And I think that if the situation is right, if it's
(04:04):
serious enough to do something about, but not so serious that
absolutely the kid has to be outof the room, there's kind of
this sweet spot that I'd like totalk about today where we really
can use it as an opportunity to build confidence within our
children. Can I give an example?
Yeah. Yeah, OK, great.
So true story, but I would love for you to imagine that you are
(04:28):
five years old and you are at camp for the first time ever,
full day camp that's not your preschool and you're with your
sister. So that makes it a little bit
easier. But it's Day 2.
So it's your second day of summer tennis camp, let's say,
and you're in the cafeteria at lunchtime with the other kids in
(04:49):
your cohort as well as your coach.
And things start to get a littlesilly, a little loud, as they
tend to do, and everybody's having a lot of fun.
And the next thing you know, a man from the front desk you
don't really know, don't know his name, comes into the door
and says, stop yelling. Everybody be quiet.
No yelling. And it scares you a little bit.
(05:12):
And so everything gets quiet forfor a few minutes.
And then within the next 5 to 10minutes, it's pretty loud again.
We're having fun. We're playing some silly game
that really makes us all feel together and bonded.
And the next thing you know, that same man walks back into
the door, this time with a flashing blue and red phone
(05:34):
screaming into it. That's it.
The police are coming. They're going to be here in 5
minutes because you guys didn't listen.
How do you feel? I feel scared.
Hold me. Yeah, and that's how Jade felt
too. She ran to her sister and
started hysterically crying and Hunter felt really scared as
(06:00):
well, but she was the big sisterin that moment so held her and
thankfully eventually some otheradults intervened and told Jade
that it's OK that the guy was joking.
But both of them came home that day really feeling unsafe by
(06:22):
what had happened in that situation, and I don't think
they were alone. No.
And so when Hunter told us rightafter the second day of tennis
camp this year, my first reaction, of course, was, Oh my
God, who's this guy I'm going tocall right now?
I'm going to RIP him a new one. These people have never seen the
(06:44):
wrath like Danielle Neufeld. How awful.
How dare you violate my childrenlike that.
And that lasted for like 7 minutes and then my second
feeling was like I'm the worst mom ever.
(07:05):
So much shame. Like how did I put my children
in such an unsafe situation? From now on, they are only going
to camp at their schools or at another place where I know that
a teacher has been trained in conscious discipline.
And they will never experience another adult like this ever
again in their life. Never again will they be
(07:25):
violated or manipulated or givenfear tactics in order to obey.
Because that's just not how I think childhood should ever be.
And I, as you know, like, I am definitely a defender of
childhood. So this got all wrapped up in my
sense of like, injustice, right?And shame.
So I was like, OK, that's it. Pulling them out of camp.
(07:48):
They're going to go to the campsI know forever more till they're
18. Yeah, so first outrage, then let
me put them in a box so that no one can ever harm them again.
Your move. Actually, it's like no
advertisements, black and white,like, right, we're going to keep
them safe, keep them in this bubble.
And then about an hour later, I think I started to come down a
(08:08):
bit, which is, you know, the power of the pause.
I do have to say that like, something came over me.
I don't know why I didn't call them in that moment, but I'm
really glad that I didn't. And I think it's because we'd
had a couple of situations like this one, nothing as incredibly
glaring at a place as outside our home.
They've been things that we could brush off before, I think,
(08:30):
But we used a framework that we'd like to share with you
today to really lead our family in seeing this as a growth
opportunity, seeing it as a way to align with our values and
potentially change others behavior in the future.
Maybe not, but definitely show up the way that we want to.
(08:52):
Not causing more drama in the situation, but instead showing
people what happens when they treat us in a way that's not
cool. Yeah.
And you know, we have a lot of the people involved, or at least
the adults that were in the roomon text.
So it took a lot of strength andpausing to not just immediately
(09:14):
fire off an angry text being like, how dare you?
Because that's that's really like the first line of defense
in today's parenting is like overreacting.
And you have something right there that can, can, can
communicate with them. You don't even have to pick up
the phone and confront them. You can just send an angry text
like. Having only heard one side of
the story, yeah. How it's and we've been on the
(09:39):
receiving end of. That from A to peer-to-peer
conference. Yeah, totally.
But like, it took a lot and I applaud you for thinking that
there's probably another way to handle this.
Yeah, And this goes back to justthis idea again of family as a
team or family as a democracy, where I know that Jade in this
(10:00):
moment is not capable yet of necessarily standing up for
herself in that environment where she's only day 2 into a,
into something that's not her preschool, right.
We spoke before about how Jade, when having conflict with a
peer, was able to do heart repair in that situation.
But this one a bit too far out of her zone of proximal
(10:21):
development, if you will. But Hunter, I knew, was ready to
do something about it. Even the way that she told us
the story, she felt that it was unjust and not OK and was
looking for a way to rectify thesituation.
And we didn't want to step in. And So what did we do?
(10:45):
The first, I think, is this mindset shift that we're talking
about, which is we as the parents don't always have to
intervene. Sometimes we can lead from the
bench and this offers the opportunity for one of the best
drivers of leadership growth that we know from research,
which is called a stretch assignment.
So what is a stretch assignment?A stretch assignment is
(11:05):
something that is just beyond a person's current capabilities,
but when supported correctly canreally lead to optimal growth.
Not only that, but success in stretch assignments and offering
stretch assignments in general is the #1 driver of leadership
growth. We know that from leadership
research through things like theCenter for Creative Leadership
(11:27):
and others. So why not try to offer her in
this in this space where she's been wronged and her sister has
been wronged, but she's in a relatively safe environment
where she knows many of the players to really step into that
time where she can stand up for not just herself, but her sister
too. So that's one.
(11:50):
See this as a stretch assignment.
And then what do we do within the stretch assignment?
Two things. The first one is to identify a
trusted adult in the situation that is not you or me.
It is not mom or dad. And so in this case, her coach
was actually in the room in the kitchen in the when the man came
(12:11):
in both times. And so he witnessed everything
that happened and in that momentdidn't say anything, nor did he
validate or empathize or the things that we do as parents.
And so he would have been the person that I think in path A or
old path, we would have gone to right and yelled at.
(12:32):
How could you not defend them orwhatever it is?
But we know that that's going toput him immediately on the
defensive, that based on what weknow about him as a trusted
individual, that he probably does feel a certain kind of way
tonight, right? In that when this is happening
and probably wasn't that proud of the way he didn't show up for
(12:53):
the kids already, right? So we don't want to shame or
further disrespect someone who wasn't operating from their best
self. No.
And we didn't know the the, the rank and order of the
organization. Is he is it his boss?
We don't know who this man is. No, and I think that's
intentional too. Like we we knew that this was a
(13:13):
person that who'd been the the kids instructional coach for
months on the weekends. We put them in a safe enough
space in tennis camp where we knew some of the players.
But to be honest, like we, we aren't the types of helicopter
parents that are going to go in and audit the first day and make
sure that everything is being done by the rules 'cause that
I'm climbing my own mountains. People like I just don't.
(13:36):
I'm making sure that they are safe, that they are well taken
care of. And I trust the relationship
that I have with my child that they have been trained to
recognize when things are awry and to come and report it to me
and resist in the moment. So anyway, back to this idea of
a trusted adult, there's this concept called flash mentoring,
(13:57):
which has been more recently studied in research, which is so
Harvard's done a lot of researchon long term mentorship, right?
And how that builds increased confidence and resilience in
children. But more recently, and this is
also something that we heard in our book that we read recently
called The Culture Code, there'sthis idea of flash mentoring.
So it's this short term opportunistic opportunities to
(14:21):
find a trusted ally or a mentor to get through a challenging
situation that can also lead to boosted confidence and
resilience. And then the bigger point here
in finding a trusted mentor is really what kind of community do
we want to create and what kind of community are we really
(14:42):
sharing with our children? What vision are we sharing with
our children for the outside from the outside world?
Are we teaching them that the only safe adults are your close
relatives or the people that youspend time with every day?
Or are we, and this is the worldI want to live in.
Most people are inherently good.Most people will support you.
(15:02):
And so trust your intuition in finding those people.
And that's, I think a key part of this is like helping our
children develop strong intuition and going with their
gut, but that if you feel like you can rely on someone in your
community that's not your mom and dad, you're probably right.
(15:24):
And I think this flies in the face of so much that we are
being pushed today about how unsafe people can be.
And so for me, in the same way that like Lenore Skonosy is like
free range kids and we want to have kids more outside and
they'd have to be outside for 47,000 years before
statistically they would get abducted.
I'm like, hey, let your kid develop an intuition about who
(15:47):
in the community other than their close family members or
the people that they see every day can be trusted.
Can they go to? Can they rely upon in situations
where we're not there? For sure.
That's the world I want to live in.
Me too. I don't know if this goes hand
in hand with that lesson, but the mantra in our home that I
(16:10):
like to instill is you are the customer and you have a
customer's Bill of Rights, whichis you should feel safe in the
place where we are paying good money for you to go to camp.
You deserve to you. Deserve to.
And if you're not, if something disrupts or interrupts your
feeling of safety, check yourself.
Did I do anything that was out of line?
(16:33):
And then if the answer is no andthink, OK, now that I know that
I can sleep at night with the actions that I did versus what
other people are bringing in, I'm going to absolve myself
first and foremost. Because even if that adult never
learns that like to do the rightthing, like I don't want our
(16:55):
kids to feel like they're doing the wrong thing, right?
Like especially when they're being playful at camp with their
friends. So I think that the shame is the
feeling that I really want to put to bed 1st.
And then I want to talk about resolving the conflict to make
it feel safe to go back. Yeah, absolutely.
And I think that that's what a lot of us do at home today,
(17:16):
which is the validating something that really wasn't
done in the 80s and 90s, at least not in my home, not for
better or for worse. But there wasn't any sense of
like, no, what happened to you was not OK.
And I am so big on telling our children what happened to you is
not OK. And let me hear your feelings
about it. I'm here to support you.
But that is parenting. And we're not here to talk about
(17:37):
parenting. We assume that you're already
great parents. I'm sure you are.
What we're here to talk about ishow to lead.
And I think too often either thescript ends there with the
validation and the empathy. And so as parents, we feel like
we have two choices, intervene or say nothing.
And I'm saying we are saying there's a third choice.
(17:58):
And that third choice is to really empower your child to, in
a respectful way, share with a trusted adult what happened and
what they need from the in orderto resolve the situation both in
the present and going forward. Yeah, I want to circle back to
(18:18):
this idea of being a customer 'cause I think it's a really
useful framework that could veryeasily be misinterpreted.
So when you say remember that you're the customer, I think
back to many of much of what wasmodelled for me around being a
customer, which was demanding myneeds get met.
(18:39):
And when I felt outraged about injustice, we got, we didn't get
the right hotel room. This order is wrong, whatever it
may be, at a restaurant, at a hotel, whatever it was, anger
and outrage. And you must listen to me
because I own you. You're laughing, but it's true.
(19:03):
And so I think of yeah, I yeah, I'm the customer.
And that is not who you are at all.
And so I think it's really important to follow that thread
in what you mean by you are the customer.
Yeah, I mean, when you're the customer, you can walk away.
You have other options. And for me personally, I like to
(19:27):
think of myself as like a warm greeting and the best version of
the customer that anyone's ever experienced.
I. Mean.
That's an understatement becauseyou are so amazing at
ingratiating yourself with whoever is on the other side of
the table. It's like a work of art, people.
It really is. Well, I, I want people to feel
appreciated and I want to feel appreciated.
(19:49):
So the best way to get appreciation is to appreciate
others for the work that they'redoing and to let them know that
I know that you're trying your best, but there's got to be
another way for me to get the thing that I need because I kind
of need that thing. And that, I think is so
beautiful. And your influence really has a
(20:10):
lot to do with the third step, which is what should Hunter
actually be saying to her coach,who we've identified as that
trusted ally? Because if she goes up to him
and says, like, that was awful, how did you not protect me?
Like, that's not going to be good.
That might even be worse than a parent saying it, right?
He's going to think, this kid's a little shit.
(20:31):
And so how can we show up with our best selves in a language
that really aligns with our family's values and isn't trying
to put someone on the defensive or shame them in any way?
Isn't really about anger and injustice, but is instead about
(20:52):
a way to build connection. I think hand raised, I think
it's about both in the situationof being the customer I'm
putting this together, and in the situation of getting what
you need out of a conflict resolution statement.
The answer is make it about yourself.
Yeah. Right.
(21:12):
Totally. It's not about what the other
person did or didn't do. It's not about what the fear
moment was and how that shouldn't have never happened
and how could you let that happen?
It's about how it made you feel.For sure.
And that's the work to do at home, right?
Because Hunter definitely was like all of those things about,
(21:34):
you know, this shouldn't have happened and that shouldn't have
happened. The injustice, right?
She, like me, has a very tight hold on anger and injustice
together. And so kind of breaking that
apart and spending time with heron know what, what was the real
feeling there? You felt unsafe.
We as your family are going to validate that that was unsafe
(21:54):
and validate your feelings around that.
We can't trust an ally or otherwise.
We, we are not going to expect that from other people, right?
What we are going to expect fromother people is for you to share
the way that it made you feel without a need for validation
and what you need in the future.So really leveraging these
(22:15):
research backed principles of nonviolent communication, which
really involve the an observation, so an internal
observation of what happened foryou, identifying your feelings.
So key, like you said, not abouthow other people responded in
the situation, but how it actually made you feel.
And then what are your needs andwhat are your requests?
(22:37):
And so a little bit later, we'regoing to have a special guest to
talk in detail about what she actually did say to her coach.
Yeah, so back to heart repair. This is a a skill for life, and
we're teaching our kids that it's not just about pure
conflict resolution, it's about conflict resolution with
(23:00):
anybody. Just as long as you say what you
need and how things made you feel, you cannot be in the
wrong. Absolutely.
And so heart repair is the developmentally appropriate name
for nonviolent communication, right?
Yeah. And with much more marketable
name as well. I think so.
I like it. OK, so to recap, the next time
(23:24):
that you feel like you want to intervene for your child because
something has happened, I encourage you to experiment and
apply our three-step playbook. The first one mindset shift.
See this as a stretch assignmentfor your child.
Know that that drives leadershipgrowth, which supports family as
a team. But in order to do that, it
(23:47):
needs to be right outside their comfort zone, so in that zone of
proximal development, and it needs to be supported by you in
a way that can lead to a positive outcome, maybe not
always 100% success, but a positive outcome.
So that's number one, the mindset shift.
And then how do we go about that?
Find a trusted ally. In almost every situation that
(24:10):
we've encountered, which, you know, the tennis assignment was
one, There were a couple that happened at school as well.
Hunter's been able to find a trusted ally, so someone that
maybe was on the play scape or was in the school environment
that was way closer to the situation than we were, who we
knew was going to hear her and advocate for her in some way and
(24:36):
that she could really talk to using this nonviolent
communication language. And sometimes if the person you
know, sometimes the person that the child has conflict with may
be the trusted ally, it must might have just been a bad day
for that person. So sometimes they can be 1 and
the same. And then the third is really
developing that language to support the child on their
(24:58):
stretch assignment as a family that aligns with your values.
So for us that is around nonviolent communication,
expressing your feelings and what you observed in the
situation, and then stating whatyou need and requesting that it
get met. Yep.
What about witnesses to the communication, to the heart
(25:19):
repair to the NVC? Do you think that it's
necessary? Helpful sometimes?
Sure, sometimes. It's situational.
Yeah. I think it can be a little
intimidating to have a one-on-one with a, even if with
a trusted adult to make sure that because look, when you and
I talk to one another, I'm goingto parrot back what I heard from
(25:41):
you so that we get very clear. But with somebody that might not
be familiar with this type of kind of heart repair
conversation, it could be misconstrued.
It could go one ear out the other.
The child could feel like it's done as soon as they say their
words. You know, I've seen kids go up
to adults and be like, thank youso much for blah, blah, blah,
and then run away. You know, when when a parent
(26:02):
says go, thank, go thank them asopposed to waiting for the
you're welcome or, you know, anyof that.
So I'm just thinking like, should the framework be when you
have, you know, should there, should there always be a trusted
third party in the room? I wouldn't say necessarily
honestly. I mean, so I guess part of this
is we practice nonviolent communication and and heart
(26:25):
repair at home. So Hunter knows what she's doing
when she goes to an adult. It doesn't always have to be.
I talk, then you talk, then I talk, then you talk, then you
talk then. It doesn't have to always.
Be that. It can just be a way of of
stating your needs clearly in a way that doesn't put someone
else on the defensive. I think what I'm trying to get
at is follow up and documentation.
(26:47):
I feel like is the way to to make sure that things don't
happen again so that there's no repeat.
Yeah, I mean, I guess let's playthe story all the way through.
So the next day, Hunter went up to her coach, who again, was in
the lunchroom when this happenedand said, hey, coach, what
happened yesterday made me and Jade feel unsafe.
(27:10):
I need you to make sure that doesn't ever happen again.
And to his credit, he did validate her in the moment.
He said, I agree, Hunter, what happened yesterday was not OK.
I've already spoken with him andit's not going to happen again.
And I want to believe that that's because she trusted her
(27:31):
intuition that this was a trustworthy person that she
could go to. So this is actually the part
that makes this story really important is that I don't want
to make too much of our, of our family, you know, making waves.
But I think this was a great opportunity for someone to maybe
even expect for us to call afterthe way that Jade reacted, but
(27:54):
to not experience that and instead have have Hunter as a
thoughtful child, really come upto him and explain how she felt
and what she needs from him. Yeah, instead of us going to him
and him immediately being on thedefensive.
Totally. So much better.
I mean, like everybody gets their needs met there.
Yeah. So I'm not saying there's a
world where, you know, if this was happening repeatedly or
(28:17):
there was something more significant with regards to, you
know, something, something really bad happening, of course
we would intervene. But I again, I do believe that
there is this sweet spot where achild really feels that they've
been harmed, but it is not so bad that parents need to
immediately intervene, that there's really this, this growth
(28:39):
opportunity for both the child and the adult who sucks at that
moment to really make change. I think when it comes to
problems with peers and definitely problems between
children and trusted adults or adults in one of their camps,
schools, after school programs, etcetera.
(28:59):
Like it's like a inverted dartboard, like it's all
bullseye for things that the children can probably handle
with a little bit around the rimwhere we should intervene.
That's been our experience to date, yeah.
Yeah. Cool.
I also just want to say that I believe that this is of the
utmost importance because it is on us, people of our generation,
(29:21):
to really turn this tsunami thatis happening around immaturity
in American culture today with kids and Gen.
Z Living with their parents in their 30s, many of them not even
not married, but not even dating.
These are the small stakes opportunities that enable our
(29:44):
children to build confidence so that when they go out into the
workplace, make friends, start dating.
They have language around what they need, requests they can
make and how they they can be heard, they can be heard.
(30:05):
And so I think this is incredibly important because the
way that our cultural trajectoryis going, it does not look good.
And so it's really on us as thisgeneration of parents to begin
early in leading our children into these stretch assignments.
Wow, it's that's a powerful thought.
(30:27):
Next time I you, any of you out there, think about standing up
for your kids before letting them try.
Think about your kid living in your basement until they're 35.
That's right. And we don't even have a
basement, so it would be right next door.
OK, And then one more thing, because I've been reading this
book, Family Dynamics about sibling success.
(30:49):
And so I just cannot under scoreenough how beautiful it is that
Jade gets to watch Hunter assertfor our family and to not just
protect Jade, but to stand up for herself as well 'cause we
know that Hunter was shaking in her boots, even though she
wasn't the one crying because she was operating as the big
(31:12):
sister. But more and more research is
showing that, well, parents havesome influence in setting values
and expectations, but it's really the sibling dynamic that
is going to create that upward spiral of confidence and
resilience and success. And so I think this is a
beautiful example of Hunter taking the lead and really
(31:35):
demonstrating what good can looklike for Jade.
Yeah, it's awesome. It's awesome.
And I want more of it. Absolutely cool.
Cool all. Right, well, thanks everybody
for listening. I love you, goosey love.
You goosey. Hey Hunter.
Hey Jade. So mommy and I just recorded an
(31:58):
episode about a number of thingsreally helping our family to
have conversations, tough conversations with other adults
without mommy and daddy getting involved.
And the the episode talked a little bit about an experience
(32:19):
that you both had, a tennis camp.
And so rather than us putting words in your mouth, just wanted
to hear what happened in that event and how it was resolved.
We were doing like something andthen it made me feel scared,
weird and I don't know. So a guy came out with a police
(32:44):
phone, is that what happened? Well, it wasn't a real police
phone. It was just like a flashing.
Light. Do you think it was real at the
moment? Well.
Maybe. What kind of you didn't you
didn't think it was fake? Yeah.
So you were a little bit worried, right?
That some man was going to call the police on you, but he was
just playing at prank. Yikes.
(33:06):
I bet that didn't feel good. Jade, how did it feel?
You were sad. Were you a little scared?
Yeah. And so after you came home and
told us about what had happened,what did we say?
What did we suggest that you do?You said for a sit down coach.
Uh huh. Well, really for me to tell
(33:27):
coach how he felt and what we need.
What did you need? Well, we needed that not to
happen again. So were you able to say that to
coach? How did you say it?
Well, I said, Coach, I need to tell you something.
And then I tell him, Coach I I didn't feel good when when the
(33:54):
guy came in the room flash with the flashing light and pretended
pranked us and said he was calling the police.
Yeah. And I need you to make sure that
does not happen again. What did he say?
He said. I talked, yes, Center.
(34:18):
I talked with the guy who came in and he said he wouldn't do
it. OK.
And did he say that he was sorry?
Yes. And did he say that he should
have said something? No.
Oh, OK. Interesting.
Well, did that resolve it for you?
Did that make it feel like you need got what you needed?
(34:39):
Well, yeah. OK.
And what about you, Jade? Do you feel like you got what
you needed when Hunter said that?
Yes. Yeah, that's great.
Hunter, how did you and Jade come to the conclusion that
Coach was a safe person to talk to?
Well. We didn't really, we just
thought because we've been with him for a long time.
(35:04):
Yeah. And like we thought maybe we
should tell him. But first, we told you right.
Yeah. Because we didn't know what to
do at that. Time, Right.
But now when you trust people, you don't need to trust them all
the way, But if you trust them enough to listen to you because
(35:27):
they've been with you for some time, you would feel comfortable
in another scenario with anotheradult doing something similar
Now. Yeah.
Yeah. How does that feel?
To to know that you can take this on yourself?
Great. Yeah.
Tell us more about how it feels to have mommy and daddy trust
(35:50):
you to talk to other adults. Tell us how it feels inside.
Good and scary. What's scary about it?
Hold the microphone close. First, like so it's scary
because it's hard sometimes to stand up for yourself and say it
(36:14):
yourself. It's the of having a per errant
or person do it for you, but it's better for you to do it.
Yeah. And it feels like it's more
repeatable, right, that you actually can take on these types
of situations yourself versus having to wait for someone else
(36:36):
to do it. Yeah.
Anyway, because like, if Mama would have said it or you would
have said it, it would just makeit all different and I don't
think Coach would say the same things he said to me.
Yeah, right, because then it's not about you and him having a
conversation. So this is actually better.
(36:59):
You bring up a good point where this is actually better for the
adult too. It's not just better for the
kids involved. Yeah, because for the adult and
person's relationship. Yeah, totally love it.
Well, thank you so much for sharing.
This is a beautiful reflection on what sounds like started out
as a hard experience, but now isan empowering 1.
And we hope that you don't run into many of these, but we know
(37:23):
that you will. So we know that you're prepared.
And that's what we're here to help you do is prepare.
Any parting words? Well, I'd like to say thank you
for helping me. I cross my feelings.
You're so welcome, Say my feelings.
You are so welcome. Thanks for trusting us to share
(37:45):
them. You're welcome, Love you love.
You too. Hey guys, if you're still here,
you're definitely our kind of person.
Thanks for spending this time with us on The Most Important
Thing. If this episode resonated with
you, we'd love for you to followus wherever you get your
(38:05):
podcasts and share it with someone else.
Building family culture on purpose.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com