February 27, 2025 • 28 mins
Calm and balanced are no longer my goal. Why? Because sometimes life needs and requires me to be activated. It's healthy for us to have anger, rage, overwhelm, and burnout.
Discover the power of understanding the window of tolerance through a holistic perspective and how our personal histories shape our stress responses. By acknowledging the natural highs and lows of our nervous system, we can cultivate health in both the "winter" and "summer" phases of our lives. I discuss the often-overlooked struggle mothers face in distinguishing their emotions from their children's, and why setting healthy emotional boundaries is essential for preventing emotional dysregulation.
Explore the concept of dynamic balance with me, as we move beyond the limiting ideals of rigidity and flaccidity. Drawing parallels to the changing seasons, I share insights on building a resilient life force through somatic healing and updating unconscious patterns that may be holding us back. Instead of striving for an unrealistic state of constant calm, learn how to build resilience and adaptability, empowering you to face life's challenges with both strength and vulnerability. If you're ready to embark on this transformative journey, consider joining me to enhance your emotional and nervous system regulation, fostering lasting transformation and self-trust throughout all of life's seasons.
We were never meant to always be or feel balanced and calm. But we can build dynamic range of health, resiliance- building deep roots of wellbeing that can help us meet out lives with the appropriate force needed for good. Sometimes that health is activation in fight or flight and sometimes that health is freezing or fawning. We just don't want to become stuck or cycled into our dysregulation.
1:1 Somatic Healing and Holistic Life Coaching
Chapter Markers:
0:02 Navigating Nervous System and Emotional Regulation
15:43 Exploring Health Through Dynamic Balance
If you’re ready to stop living on autopilot and start leading your life with deep presence, I’d love to work with you. Book a free interest call here: Click Here
💌 Want more? Follow me on Instagram @themotherhoodmentor for somatic tools, nervous system support, and real-talk on high-functioning burnout, ambition, healing perfectionism, and motherhood. And also pretty epic meme drops.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
I'm Becca, a somatic healingpractitioner and a holistic life
coach for moms, and thispodcast is for you.
You can expect honestconversations and incredible
guests that speak to health,healing and growth in every area
of our lives.
This isn't just strategy forwhat we do.
It's support for who we are.
I believe we can be wildlyambitious while still holding
(00:25):
all of our soft and hardhumanity as holy.
I love combining deep innerhealing with strategic systems
and no-nonsense talk about whatthis season is really like.
So grab whatever weird healthbeverage you're currently into
and let's get into it.
Welcome to today's episode ofthe Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
(00:45):
Today, we are talking aboutnervous system regulation and
emotional regulation, because Iam going to lose my mind if I
see one more reel or piece ofcontent teaching mothers how to
calm down, teaching you how tobreathe, teaching you how to
(01:09):
breathe, and I think for so long, women have tried so freaking
hard to be good and grateful.
And don't get me wrong I wantto be good and grateful, I want
to feel good, I want to feelhappy, I want to be grateful, I
want to be present and I want towant what I have.
I want to see what I have and Idon't want to miss this season,
and I think so many women.
I want to see what I have and Idon't want to miss this season,
and I think so many women.
(01:29):
We use that as this rug that wesweep all of our dynamic, wide
range of humanity underneaththat.
And when we're talking aboutnervous, when I'm talking about
nervous system regulation andwhen I'm talking about emotional
regulation, I actually don'tthink our goal should be calm
and even and steady and quoteunquote balanced.
When I think of nervous systemregulation, I think of your
(01:49):
dynamic range of health, I thinkof your ability to have a
nervous system that knows how tofind and feel safety and how to
come back to safety after itgets dysregulated.
So if you think of this,there's this window of tolerance
that a lot of people talk aboutin the somatic world, in the
(02:11):
polyvagal world, and essentially, if you think of it, you have
this level of activation in yourown body or in the environment,
so in the bodies of otherpeople, right?
If you think of, like, thelevel that your kids' emotions
can get to before you losecontext, before you feel like
(02:33):
you start losing agency andchoice when it comes to your
behaviors and what is happeningis that your body starts
responding for you.
Your unconscious behaviorsstart happening.
From education that happenedwhen you were a kid, in your
family, in your church, life,right, like what were you taught
(02:55):
about sadness, what were youtaught about anger?
Those are the things that willstart coming up when you are
outside of your window ofregulation.
What I work with women on iswidening and playing into the
edges of that window ofregulation.
So when you are at the lowerend of your regulation, what
(03:16):
does health look like there?
Right, if you start feeling alittle bit burnt out, a little
bit of depressed and when I saydepressed, I'm not talking about
like the diagnosable, actualcondition, I'm talking about
like the human experience ofdepression, of your body just
wants to move low and slow.
You want to get under thecovers the things that were
bringing you joy, just likedon't feel good.
(03:38):
You are having like a deepsense of grief.
There's this like feeling itfeels like you're trying to walk
through mud or you're trying torun through mud if you're
moving at too quickly of a pace.
But how do you build healthinto that low, slow space?
What is that energy trying todo, and is this an energy that
(04:01):
we need to listen to, likewhat's going on there Is there,
is this a yellow orange or redflag about something that's
going on in your life that weneed to pay attention to?
Or are you in a natural winter,right Like?
Are you having a winter wherewe're going to have these ups
and downs and these, these ebbsand flows, and are you just
(04:25):
meeting your edge of slow health, because a lot of women panic
because for so long we've beenfed this consistency that looks
like constantly being balanced,constantly being at the same
steady pace and having everysingle day of our lives not just
look but feel the same, andthat's just not realistic.
(04:45):
What's real life?
What is nature?
What is biology?
What is health?
Is that there are going to beseasons that are lower and
slower and darker.
There's going to be seasons,like summer, that are brighter
and faster and there's more lifeand energy.
But what does it look like totrust that?
(05:12):
Or let's look at the other rangeof that high activation of
you're feeling overstimulated oroverwhelmed, or anger or rage
falls into this.
Anxiety, right.
It's this fast dysregulation,right?
So dysregulation can look verydifferent depending on how your
body responds to stress,depending on how your body
responds to different types ofstress in different
(05:33):
relationships.
When your kid gets angry andstarts throwing a fit, it's so
important to notice what is thedifference between their
dysregulation and yourdysregulation A lot of us have,
especially if you're an empath,especially if you are very
(05:54):
emotionally sensitive.
If you're like a highlysensitive person, you can pick
up and feel other people'semotions almost as if they're
your own.
So your kid can be having a lotof dysregulation happening in
their body and you can start tomirror that dysregulation if you
don't have healthy, emotional,energetic boundaries, which
(06:17):
unfortunately a lot of moms donot, because we live in a
culture that really prioritizesessentially codependency.
I don't think our culture isteaching women healthy
detachment and differentiationfrom our kids.
They're teaching us to beoverly attuned and responsive to
our kids.
And listen, this is coming fromlike a type two Enneagram
(06:39):
empathetic, heart led mom whosetendency is over-parenting.
Like my tendency is toover-parent my kids, to over-pay
attention to their emotionalwants and needs, and what
happens is now my kids don'thave a regulated body to look to
Regulation.
(06:59):
When it comes to animal bodies,which we are, it's a collective
thing.
It's a pack animal thing, ifyou think of one animal senses
and sees danger on this side ofthe pack, I need the other side
of my pack to energetically andemotionally pick up on that, so
(07:21):
that they also get panicked andfreaked out.
And so the second I start torun, they go oh, I have to run
too.
And that's what's happening asmothers your kid is having
dysregulation, is havingactivation happen in their body,
and then your animal body ispicking up on that and going oh
my gosh, we need to respond.
That's what happens so oftenfor so many of us mothers and I
(07:45):
love that there's so manyresources now of helping mothers
teach our kids emotionalregulation.
I don't think we can just teachour kids this without practicing
it ourselves, without embodyingit in ourselves, because
emotional regulation is not justa logical thing, it's not just
in your brain, it's not justabout what you know and can
(08:07):
express with language.
It's also about the energetic,emotional energy and how it
moves you and how you respond toit and how you relate to it and
how much activation you canhold in your body or witness in
another's body, while stayingpresent to who, where and when
you are staying present to who,where and when you are so much
(08:33):
of, when your kid getsdysregulated and then you get
dysregulated, you're respondingfrom another time and place.
You're responding how yourparents treated it when you
cried.
Let's say, your kid is cryingand you're trying to make them
feel better and you want it tostop.
Maybe that's how your parentstreated sadness.
Maybe you realized sadnesswasn't safe in your house.
(08:57):
It wasn't.
You know, you don't have toexperience trauma to have
patterns built.
All of us had patterns built inchildhood.
All of us had patterns built inour schools, in our
relationship with our peers, inthe religious environment you
grew up in or didn't grow up in.
Your body knows patterns.
That's what our animal bodiesrun on.
(09:18):
That is what keeps us safe andhealthy.
And while we're at this beefwith some of the social media
stuff, can we just stop callingeverything a trauma response?
Can we stop making everythingtrauma and listen?
So much of it's real and trueand also, this is just a normal,
(09:39):
healthy human reaction.
It's just what we do.
It's realizing that we arenature, that, as it doesn't
matter how sophisticated andbuttoned up and pretty and
perfect we get, whether that'slike our healing or emotional or
mental health or our spiritualmaturity.
(10:00):
I don't care how successful youget, you will always be a human
, you will always be a mammal.
You will always have thesepatterns and responses and
reactions.
You will always havedysregulation and regulation,
because that is healthy response.
A great example if your kid isabout to run into traffic, your
(10:25):
body in that moment does notneed to be calm, it needs to
have a intense I would use theword violent, but I don't mean
like violent against your kidbut you need to have this
intense explosion of energy togo grab your kid, to yell their
name Like this is not the timefor you to be calm and gentle.
(10:46):
Another great example if yourkid is having an experience
where you need to be able tofeel anger in your body, because
so often anger is the energy weneed to set and to hold a
boundary.
But women haven't been taughthow to hold anger.
We've been taught to never beangry, because so many of us
(11:06):
either saw anger that was deeply, deeply repressed, that never
got expressed in a healthy way,or you saw an expression of
anger that was violent, eithertowards themselves or towards
you, and so we fear theseemotions in us.
We fear this normal, healthy,human emotion and if it helps
you think of emotion just asenergy.
(11:28):
It's just energy that is tryingto move you.
And how is this energy tryingto move you?
A great example when I'm feelingoverwhelmed or overstimulated,
which honestly happens often,and I think the thing that sucks
is half the time.
When I'm overstimulated oroverwhelmed, it's not even from
something bad, it's somethinglike my kids are playing and
(11:49):
they're like half fighting.
And, honestly, my body, mynervous system, when my kids
fight, even if it's like natural, healthy bickering, my body is
like stage five drama.
It's like we need to stop this,we need to fix.
I want this to stop, I want itto go away.
And that anger, while real andlike you know, I'm not
(12:18):
invalidating my experience butlike if I'm in the car driving
and my kids are bickering, mynervous system is saying this
isn't okay, we need to make itstop, like we need to make it go
away.
That's actually healthy for mykids.
I want my kids to learn thatit's okay to bicker and fight.
I want my kids to learn that wehave arguments with the people
(12:38):
that we love because we see andthink and feel differently.
So my kids are back there havinglike a verbal squirmish and my
body is like, oh my gosh,there's conflict, panic.
I have to be able to feel mybody isn't panicking because
something's wrong.
My response to this doesn'tneed to be setting a boundary
with my kids because, you know,one of them is actually being
(13:00):
like disrespectful or shamefulor, you know, using language
that isn't honoring to the otherkid.
That's a different scenario.
In that scenario I need alittle bit of that overwhelm or
that anger or that panic feelingto like do something, to go in
and actively parent.
But if that feeling is going oninside of me and I can say, huh
, interesting, I feel like I'mhaving an over under response to
(13:23):
what's actually happening.
That is where nervous systemregulation is so important is am
I appropriately responding towhat's happening right now?
Because if I'm not, it's likelythat my nervous system is
remembering a pattern from thepast or I'm projecting an
expected future, like, let's say, my son is saying something and
(13:44):
my body, unconsciously, isresponding to this idea that
like oh, he's not going to belike caring or empathetic or
respectful.
It's like it's.
Our brains have so many ways ofskewing reality.
I really should do a podcast onthe different like mental
projections and like how ourminds twist things, because our
(14:05):
minds are the most overwhelmingplace.
Our brains, while.
They are so, so powerful, butwhen we are under or over
utilizing them.
I think this, honestly, underand over utilizing our brains is
half of the mental healthproblem.
Our culture has never taught ushow to use the body, and so
we're rocking around only using,you know, 10, 20% of our
(14:29):
capacity, of our ingenuity, ofour knowing, of our wisdom, of
our action-taking.
Energy, like so much of you, isbelow the neck.
Think of your body.
You're only using 10% of you.
When you are only using mental,when you are only thinking, when
(14:50):
you are only problem solving inyour head, when you're only
thinking about mental health,when the reality is that your
health, when you're experiencinganxiousness or overwhelm, or
overstimulation or anger, that'shappening in your body, it's
happening in your chest, it'shappening in your lungs, it's
happening in your throat.
It's happening in your chest,it's happening in your lungs,
it's happening in your throat,it's happening in your gut, in
(15:11):
your stomach, in your pelvis, inyour legs.
It's happening.
You know, your anger ishappening in your voice, in your
loudness, in your intensity, inyour movements.
That's what embodiment teachesus.
That's what somatics teaches usis.
It teaches you how to get backto a place where you understand
your human body, where youunderstand your nervous system
(15:35):
regulation.
You stop being afraid ofdysregulation because you
understand what's happening.
You stop panicking when you'rehaving a human experience.
And so when you think of nervoussystem regulation and emotional
regulation, and so when youthink of nervous system
regulation and emotionalregulation, I'm curious what it
feels like for you to changeyour goal from being calm or
good or grateful to being ahuman with a wide range of
(16:00):
dynamic, range of motion.
When I'm thinking of my goalsfor my physical health, like my
physical, biological body, Idon't want to be so, so strong
that I'm rigid and inflexible,right, I can't be so strong and
strict and hard, because then Ibecome fragile, then I become.
(16:22):
You know, if you're holding areally strong, hard posture,
you're actually more likely tobend and break If you are
flexible and dynamic and strong,damn like.
That's the kind of balance Iwant.
Because, if you also think ofit, if you're too loosey, goosey
, if you're too flexible, ifyou're too soft, now you become
(16:46):
flaccid.
Now you don't have the strengthor the tone or the resilience
or the backbone to be able tohold yourself.
So when you're thinking ofnervous system regulation,
emotional regulation, think ofwhat does a healthy, dynamic
life force look like?
How can I play into the edgesof my slow and fast and hard and
(17:09):
soft and be able to move in thewhole wide range of it?
How do I build and open upmyself to a wider range of my
health?
How do I learn to trust thatbalance and safety and health
and thriving is not finding oneway?
(17:31):
Consistency, I think, is somuch bullshit, like our current
culture loves consistency somuch and I think it's so stupid.
I don't want to be consistent,I want to play with my capacity.
Like if you look at nature, ifyou look at anything in nature,
(17:53):
there's consistencies, yes, butlike there's also seasons, and
even within the seasons, there'sreally hot days and there's
really cold days, and there'srainy days and there's dry days.
It's like it's this wild,diverse being.
You are meant to be a wild,diverse being.
You are meant to be a wild,diverse being.
So, yeah, steady and strong,but also soft and vulnerable,
(18:20):
passionate but fickle.
That's for sure a song that I'mreally trying hard to not sing
into the microphone right now.
I hope this helps you.
I hope this encourages you whenit comes to emotional
regulation and nervous systemregulation and if you are in a
season where you are realizinglike I don't have enough
(18:41):
regulation for this, I've beenthere and I would love to help
you.
I help women with somatichealing and very tactile ways,
and what I mean by that is it'snot just you talking, you are
learning how to show up and holdand respond and react
differently.
We are building new layers andlevels of resource and health,
(19:05):
both inside of you and outsideof you, and this is the kind of
work that I love doing withwomen.
It is deep, long-termunderstanding that there's no
such thing as resetting yournervous system.
Listen, you're not a computer.
You can't push a button andreset your nervous system.
You can't push a button andreset your nervous system.
Your nervous system is so smart, your unconscious, somatic
(19:28):
animal body is so smart.
And I promise you all of theways right now that you are
self-sabotaging, all of the waysthat you are showing up in
motherhood you don't like, oryour business that you don't
like, those patterns they camefrom protecting you in a
different season.
They no longer serve you.
They no longer work because youhave not updated your system.
(19:48):
You have not updated youroperating system, and so much of
the work that we do in somaticsis understanding what's the
system you're operating under.
And then, how do we create andbuild new patterns, how do we
build new depths and maturitywhen it comes to health, and how
(20:09):
much capacity you have to holdthis regulation in yourself, how
much dysregulation you're ableto face and hold with others,
whether that's in conflict orboundary setting or building a
business, because you better betthat visibility and the
boundaries that you hold withyour business or your clients.
(20:31):
Money.
Money is a huge one for ournervous systems, one that, like
I for sure, don't have all theway figured out yet.
I don't think we ever have itall figured out, but if that's
the kind of work that you'redoing right now, I want to
create the invitation of workingtogether.
If this is the kind of work youlove, if you've been enjoying
(20:53):
and loving this podcast I meanone please share it.
If you love this podcast andit's bringing you life, will you
take a moment and follow thepodcast, leave a review, share
it on social media or share itto a friend?
That helps this offering thatI'm bringing reach more women
(21:13):
and it supports me and mybusiness to be able to keep
doing this, to be able to keepshowing up, to build this
platform where we're reallyhaving these raw, real
conversations about what itactually looks like.
So what I was about to say is Ihave a couple spots left to work
together in 2025 in aone-on-one container, and
(21:36):
typically I like to work withwomen at least six months, if
not to a year, and that's a bigcommitment it is.
But I the reason I do that isbecause it's really easy to get
quick win results.
It's a lot different to haveresults that can withstand
several different seasonsbecause you know, in the first
(21:57):
couple of months you're going tohave this big transformation.
You're going to have all ofthese like, oh my goodness,
you're going to have all of thisnew health and life come up,
and then what's going to happenis that life is going to push in
and pull on those things and Iwant you to be able to build a
deep level of health andself-trust and resilience and
sovereignty and boundaries.
(22:17):
I want you to be able to holdthat as well in the winter, as
you can in summer, as you can infall, when shit hits the fan in
motherhood or your marriage oryour personal life or your
family, or you get a diagnosisor something happens with your
kid.
That's where health is built.
It's not just in this like oh,let's do like a cute little
(22:39):
container when things are reallygood and let's build it up.
It's what long-term, deep rootsof health and wellbeing.
That's the kind of work I wantto do.
You know I can give peoplequick wins and I love that too.
I think we all need quick wins.
Women I've worked with women andwe've done one call and I've
very frequently actually gottenthe response of I have done
(23:01):
years of therapy and I havenever felt better than I have
after this one call, and thatlasts too.
That is a lasting thing, notjust like, oh, I feel better
right now, it's like monthslater, I still feel better from
this one call.
And it's not because I'm magic,it's because we're working with
soma, we're working with body,we're getting out of this.
(23:22):
Let's just beat this horse todeath.
That's such a weird saying.
Where did that come from?
Okay, adhd focus when you keepgoing, you just keep telling the
stories over and over of whatbroke you and what's continuing
to break you.
That doesn't actually buildresilience that doesn't actually
build strength, that doesn'tactually build health.
(23:42):
It's an important part ofhealing, it's an important phase
of healing, but at some pointwe have to say, great, we know
what got you here.
Here's where you are.
How do we get you to whereyou're going?
How do we build more health andresilience and how do we build
resource in you and capacity inyou so that you can show up
differently?
(24:05):
Because I don't know about you,but I looked at my motherhood
one day and I said like thisisn't good enough.
And it wasn't out of a place ofshame anymore.
It was a place of I'm notshowing up to motherhood, to
parenting my kids in the waythat I want to.
I'm not showing up to mymarriage as the kind of wife I
want to be.
I'm not.
I don't feel as a person who Iwant to be, my relationship
(24:26):
spiritually and socially.
I didn't like how I was showingup and that wasn't this like oh
, you're okay, you should feelbetter.
It's like, no, I want to feelbetter and I want to do better
and that's okay.
All right, I'm going to get offmy soapbox.
I hope this podcast encouragedyou.
I hope it didn't just encourageyou and inspire you.
(24:48):
Go, act on it.
Go think about how this appliesto your life.
Get your hands dirty with it.
Notice where and when and howyou're getting dysregulated and
then pay attention to what'sgoing on in your body.
Pay attention to if thisdysregulation is yours or if
you're mirroring your kid'sdysregulation.
See if you can notice thedifference and the separation
(25:12):
between their body and your body, their emotions, your emotions,
their energy, your energy.
See if you can remember where,when and who you are.
So much, so much of health isremembering who you are, how old
you are, who you decide to be,who you're creating and
(25:40):
witnessing how much agency andaccess you have to a wide,
dynamic range of responses.
You could yell at your kidright now, but you could also
sing.
You could also lay down on thefloor and start making snow
angels I don't know you havelike.
Your body can move.
You have keys to a car.
You can leave.
You can walk, you can run, youcan fight, you can sleep.
(26:03):
You can curl up in a littleball and cry with a weighted
blanket.
Those are all options availableto you, and I think so many
women are stuck in thatfunctional freeze where you have
forgotten that you have accessto agency and choice, that it is
not these little kids who arerunning your life.
You are running your life.
Don't give them control of yourlife.
That's too much for them.
(26:25):
Do not make your kids thecenter of your happiness and
your wellbeing.
That's too much to ask of them.
They I.
For so long I wanted my kids tobe happy and healthy and I just
that's too much to ask.
They're not going to be happyand healthy all the time.
They're going to get sick.
They're going to have dayswhere they're pissed off.
They're going to have dayswhere they're grumpy and sad.
And what if we didn't make thata problem or our responsibility
(26:48):
?
Okay, anyways, I really amgoing to cut myself off this
time.
I hope you have a great day andI'll see you next time.
Thanks for joining me on today'sepisode of the Motherhood
Mentor Podcast.
Make sure you have subscribedbelow so that you see all of the
upcoming podcasts that arecoming soon.
I hope you take today's episodeand you take one aha moment,
(27:12):
one small, tangible piece ofwork that you can bring into
your life, to get your hands alittle dirty, to get your skin
in the game.
Don't forget to take upaudacious space in your life.
If this podcast moved you, ifit inspired you, if it
encouraged you, please do me afavor and leave a review.
Send an episode to a friend.
(27:32):
This helps the show gain moretraction.
It helps us to support moremoms, more women, and that's
what we're doing here.
So I hope you have an awesomeday, take really good care of
yourself and I'll see you nexttime, and that's what we're
doing here.
So I hope you have an awesomeday, take really good care of
yourself and I'll see you nexttime.
Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
I'm Becca, a somatic healingpractitioner and a holistic life
coach for moms, and thispodcast is for you.
You can expect honestconversations and incredible
guests that speak to health,healing and growth in every area
of our lives.
This isn't just strategy forwhat we do.
It's support for who we are.
I believe we can be wildlyambitious while still holding
(00:25):
all of our soft and hardhumanity as holy.
I love combining deep innerhealing with strategic systems
and no-nonsense talk about whatthis season is really like.
So grab whatever weird healthbeverage you're currently into
and let's get into it.
Welcome to today's episode ofthe Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
(00:45):
Today, we are talking aboutnervous system regulation and
emotional regulation, because Iam going to lose my mind if I
see one more reel or piece ofcontent teaching mothers how to
calm down, teaching you how tobreathe, teaching you how to
(01:09):
breathe, and I think for so long, women have tried so freaking
hard to be good and grateful.
And don't get me wrong I wantto be good and grateful, I want
to feel good, I want to feelhappy, I want to be grateful, I
want to be present and I want towant what I have.
I want to see what I have and Idon't want to miss this season,
and I think so many women.
I want to see what I have and Idon't want to miss this season,
and I think so many women.
(01:29):
We use that as this rug that wesweep all of our dynamic, wide
range of humanity underneaththat.
And when we're talking aboutnervous, when I'm talking about
nervous system regulation andwhen I'm talking about emotional
regulation, I actually don'tthink our goal should be calm
and even and steady and quoteunquote balanced.
When I think of nervous systemregulation, I think of your
(01:49):
dynamic range of health, I thinkof your ability to have a
nervous system that knows how tofind and feel safety and how to
come back to safety after itgets dysregulated.
So if you think of this,there's this window of tolerance
that a lot of people talk aboutin the somatic world, in the
(02:11):
polyvagal world, and essentially, if you think of it, you have
this level of activation in yourown body or in the environment,
so in the bodies of otherpeople, right?
If you think of, like, thelevel that your kids' emotions
can get to before you losecontext, before you feel like
(02:33):
you start losing agency andchoice when it comes to your
behaviors and what is happeningis that your body starts
responding for you.
Your unconscious behaviorsstart happening.
From education that happenedwhen you were a kid, in your
family, in your church, life,right, like what were you taught
(02:55):
about sadness, what were youtaught about anger?
Those are the things that willstart coming up when you are
outside of your window ofregulation.
What I work with women on iswidening and playing into the
edges of that window ofregulation.
So when you are at the lowerend of your regulation, what
(03:16):
does health look like there?
Right, if you start feeling alittle bit burnt out, a little
bit of depressed and when I saydepressed, I'm not talking about
like the diagnosable, actualcondition, I'm talking about
like the human experience ofdepression, of your body just
wants to move low and slow.
You want to get under thecovers the things that were
bringing you joy, just likedon't feel good.
(03:38):
You are having like a deepsense of grief.
There's this like feeling itfeels like you're trying to walk
through mud or you're trying torun through mud if you're
moving at too quickly of a pace.
But how do you build healthinto that low, slow space?
What is that energy trying todo, and is this an energy that
(04:01):
we need to listen to, likewhat's going on there Is there,
is this a yellow orange or redflag about something that's
going on in your life that weneed to pay attention to?
Or are you in a natural winter,right Like?
Are you having a winter wherewe're going to have these ups
and downs and these, these ebbsand flows, and are you just
(04:25):
meeting your edge of slow health, because a lot of women panic
because for so long we've beenfed this consistency that looks
like constantly being balanced,constantly being at the same
steady pace and having everysingle day of our lives not just
look but feel the same, andthat's just not realistic.
(04:45):
What's real life?
What is nature?
What is biology?
What is health?
Is that there are going to beseasons that are lower and
slower and darker.
There's going to be seasons,like summer, that are brighter
and faster and there's more lifeand energy.
But what does it look like totrust that?
(05:12):
Or let's look at the other rangeof that high activation of
you're feeling overstimulated oroverwhelmed, or anger or rage
falls into this.
Anxiety, right.
It's this fast dysregulation,right?
So dysregulation can look verydifferent depending on how your
body responds to stress,depending on how your body
responds to different types ofstress in different
(05:33):
relationships.
When your kid gets angry andstarts throwing a fit, it's so
important to notice what is thedifference between their
dysregulation and yourdysregulation A lot of us have,
especially if you're an empath,especially if you are very
(05:54):
emotionally sensitive.
If you're like a highlysensitive person, you can pick
up and feel other people'semotions almost as if they're
your own.
So your kid can be having a lotof dysregulation happening in
their body and you can start tomirror that dysregulation if you
don't have healthy, emotional,energetic boundaries, which
(06:17):
unfortunately a lot of moms donot, because we live in a
culture that really prioritizesessentially codependency.
I don't think our culture isteaching women healthy
detachment and differentiationfrom our kids.
They're teaching us to beoverly attuned and responsive to
our kids.
And listen, this is coming fromlike a type two Enneagram
(06:39):
empathetic, heart led mom whosetendency is over-parenting.
Like my tendency is toover-parent my kids, to over-pay
attention to their emotionalwants and needs, and what
happens is now my kids don'thave a regulated body to look to
Regulation.
(06:59):
When it comes to animal bodies,which we are, it's a collective
thing.
It's a pack animal thing, ifyou think of one animal senses
and sees danger on this side ofthe pack, I need the other side
of my pack to energetically andemotionally pick up on that, so
(07:21):
that they also get panicked andfreaked out.
And so the second I start torun, they go oh, I have to run
too.
And that's what's happening asmothers your kid is having
dysregulation, is havingactivation happen in their body,
and then your animal body ispicking up on that and going oh
my gosh, we need to respond.
That's what happens so oftenfor so many of us mothers and I
(07:45):
love that there's so manyresources now of helping mothers
teach our kids emotionalregulation.
I don't think we can just teachour kids this without practicing
it ourselves, without embodyingit in ourselves, because
emotional regulation is not justa logical thing, it's not just
in your brain, it's not justabout what you know and can
(08:07):
express with language.
It's also about the energetic,emotional energy and how it
moves you and how you respond toit and how you relate to it and
how much activation you canhold in your body or witness in
another's body, while stayingpresent to who, where and when
you are staying present to who,where and when you are so much
(08:33):
of, when your kid getsdysregulated and then you get
dysregulated, you're respondingfrom another time and place.
You're responding how yourparents treated it when you
cried.
Let's say, your kid is cryingand you're trying to make them
feel better and you want it tostop.
Maybe that's how your parentstreated sadness.
Maybe you realized sadnesswasn't safe in your house.
(08:57):
It wasn't.
You know, you don't have toexperience trauma to have
patterns built.
All of us had patterns built inchildhood.
All of us had patterns built inour schools, in our
relationship with our peers, inthe religious environment you
grew up in or didn't grow up in.
Your body knows patterns.
That's what our animal bodiesrun on.
(09:18):
That is what keeps us safe andhealthy.
And while we're at this beefwith some of the social media
stuff, can we just stop callingeverything a trauma response?
Can we stop making everythingtrauma and listen?
So much of it's real and trueand also, this is just a normal,
(09:39):
healthy human reaction.
It's just what we do.
It's realizing that we arenature, that, as it doesn't
matter how sophisticated andbuttoned up and pretty and
perfect we get, whether that'slike our healing or emotional or
mental health or our spiritualmaturity.
(10:00):
I don't care how successful youget, you will always be a human
, you will always be a mammal.
You will always have thesepatterns and responses and
reactions.
You will always havedysregulation and regulation,
because that is healthy response.
A great example if your kid isabout to run into traffic, your
(10:25):
body in that moment does notneed to be calm, it needs to
have a intense I would use theword violent, but I don't mean
like violent against your kidbut you need to have this
intense explosion of energy togo grab your kid, to yell their
name Like this is not the timefor you to be calm and gentle.
(10:46):
Another great example if yourkid is having an experience
where you need to be able tofeel anger in your body, because
so often anger is the energy weneed to set and to hold a
boundary.
But women haven't been taughthow to hold anger.
We've been taught to never beangry, because so many of us
(11:06):
either saw anger that was deeply, deeply repressed, that never
got expressed in a healthy way,or you saw an expression of
anger that was violent, eithertowards themselves or towards
you, and so we fear theseemotions in us.
We fear this normal, healthy,human emotion and if it helps
you think of emotion just asenergy.
(11:28):
It's just energy that is tryingto move you.
And how is this energy tryingto move you?
A great example when I'm feelingoverwhelmed or overstimulated,
which honestly happens often,and I think the thing that sucks
is half the time.
When I'm overstimulated oroverwhelmed, it's not even from
something bad, it's somethinglike my kids are playing and
(11:49):
they're like half fighting.
And, honestly, my body, mynervous system, when my kids
fight, even if it's like natural, healthy bickering, my body is
like stage five drama.
It's like we need to stop this,we need to fix.
I want this to stop, I want itto go away.
And that anger, while real andlike you know, I'm not
(12:18):
invalidating my experience butlike if I'm in the car driving
and my kids are bickering, mynervous system is saying this
isn't okay, we need to make itstop, like we need to make it go
away.
That's actually healthy for mykids.
I want my kids to learn thatit's okay to bicker and fight.
I want my kids to learn that wehave arguments with the people
(12:38):
that we love because we see andthink and feel differently.
So my kids are back there havinglike a verbal squirmish and my
body is like, oh my gosh,there's conflict, panic.
I have to be able to feel mybody isn't panicking because
something's wrong.
My response to this doesn'tneed to be setting a boundary
with my kids because, you know,one of them is actually being
(13:00):
like disrespectful or shamefulor, you know, using language
that isn't honoring to the otherkid.
That's a different scenario.
In that scenario I need alittle bit of that overwhelm or
that anger or that panic feelingto like do something, to go in
and actively parent.
But if that feeling is going oninside of me and I can say, huh
, interesting, I feel like I'mhaving an over under response to
(13:23):
what's actually happening.
That is where nervous systemregulation is so important is am
I appropriately responding towhat's happening right now?
Because if I'm not, it's likelythat my nervous system is
remembering a pattern from thepast or I'm projecting an
expected future, like, let's say, my son is saying something and
(13:44):
my body, unconsciously, isresponding to this idea that
like oh, he's not going to belike caring or empathetic or
respectful.
It's like it's.
Our brains have so many ways ofskewing reality.
I really should do a podcast onthe different like mental
projections and like how ourminds twist things, because our
(14:05):
minds are the most overwhelmingplace.
Our brains, while.
They are so, so powerful, butwhen we are under or over
utilizing them.
I think this, honestly, underand over utilizing our brains is
half of the mental healthproblem.
Our culture has never taught ushow to use the body, and so
we're rocking around only using,you know, 10, 20% of our
(14:29):
capacity, of our ingenuity, ofour knowing, of our wisdom, of
our action-taking.
Energy, like so much of you, isbelow the neck.
Think of your body.
You're only using 10% of you.
When you are only using mental,when you are only thinking, when
(14:50):
you are only problem solving inyour head, when you're only
thinking about mental health,when the reality is that your
health, when you're experiencinganxiousness or overwhelm, or
overstimulation or anger, that'shappening in your body, it's
happening in your chest, it'shappening in your lungs, it's
happening in your throat.
It's happening in your chest,it's happening in your lungs,
it's happening in your throat,it's happening in your gut, in
(15:11):
your stomach, in your pelvis, inyour legs.
It's happening.
You know, your anger ishappening in your voice, in your
loudness, in your intensity, inyour movements.
That's what embodiment teachesus.
That's what somatics teaches usis.
It teaches you how to get backto a place where you understand
your human body, where youunderstand your nervous system
(15:35):
regulation.
You stop being afraid ofdysregulation because you
understand what's happening.
You stop panicking when you'rehaving a human experience.
And so when you think of nervoussystem regulation and emotional
regulation, and so when youthink of nervous system
regulation and emotionalregulation, I'm curious what it
feels like for you to changeyour goal from being calm or
good or grateful to being ahuman with a wide range of
(16:00):
dynamic, range of motion.
When I'm thinking of my goalsfor my physical health, like my
physical, biological body, Idon't want to be so, so strong
that I'm rigid and inflexible,right, I can't be so strong and
strict and hard, because then Ibecome fragile, then I become.
(16:22):
You know, if you're holding areally strong, hard posture,
you're actually more likely tobend and break If you are
flexible and dynamic and strong,damn like.
That's the kind of balance Iwant.
Because, if you also think ofit, if you're too loosey, goosey
, if you're too flexible, ifyou're too soft, now you become
(16:46):
flaccid.
Now you don't have the strengthor the tone or the resilience
or the backbone to be able tohold yourself.
So when you're thinking ofnervous system regulation,
emotional regulation, think ofwhat does a healthy, dynamic
life force look like?
How can I play into the edgesof my slow and fast and hard and
(17:09):
soft and be able to move in thewhole wide range of it?
How do I build and open upmyself to a wider range of my
health?
How do I learn to trust thatbalance and safety and health
and thriving is not finding oneway?
(17:31):
Consistency, I think, is somuch bullshit, like our current
culture loves consistency somuch and I think it's so stupid.
I don't want to be consistent,I want to play with my capacity.
Like if you look at nature, ifyou look at anything in nature,
(17:53):
there's consistencies, yes, butlike there's also seasons, and
even within the seasons, there'sreally hot days and there's
really cold days, and there'srainy days and there's dry days.
It's like it's this wild,diverse being.
You are meant to be a wild,diverse being.
You are meant to be a wild,diverse being.
So, yeah, steady and strong,but also soft and vulnerable,
(18:20):
passionate but fickle.
That's for sure a song that I'mreally trying hard to not sing
into the microphone right now.
I hope this helps you.
I hope this encourages you whenit comes to emotional
regulation and nervous systemregulation and if you are in a
season where you are realizinglike I don't have enough
(18:41):
regulation for this, I've beenthere and I would love to help
you.
I help women with somatichealing and very tactile ways,
and what I mean by that is it'snot just you talking, you are
learning how to show up and holdand respond and react
differently.
We are building new layers andlevels of resource and health,
(19:05):
both inside of you and outsideof you, and this is the kind of
work that I love doing withwomen.
It is deep, long-termunderstanding that there's no
such thing as resetting yournervous system.
Listen, you're not a computer.
You can't push a button andreset your nervous system.
You can't push a button andreset your nervous system.
Your nervous system is so smart, your unconscious, somatic
(19:28):
animal body is so smart.
And I promise you all of theways right now that you are
self-sabotaging, all of the waysthat you are showing up in
motherhood you don't like, oryour business that you don't
like, those patterns they camefrom protecting you in a
different season.
They no longer serve you.
They no longer work because youhave not updated your system.
(19:48):
You have not updated youroperating system, and so much of
the work that we do in somaticsis understanding what's the
system you're operating under.
And then, how do we create andbuild new patterns, how do we
build new depths and maturitywhen it comes to health, and how
(20:09):
much capacity you have to holdthis regulation in yourself, how
much dysregulation you're ableto face and hold with others,
whether that's in conflict orboundary setting or building a
business, because you better betthat visibility and the
boundaries that you hold withyour business or your clients.
(20:31):
Money.
Money is a huge one for ournervous systems, one that, like
I for sure, don't have all theway figured out yet.
I don't think we ever have itall figured out, but if that's
the kind of work that you'redoing right now, I want to
create the invitation of workingtogether.
If this is the kind of work youlove, if you've been enjoying
(20:53):
and loving this podcast I meanone please share it.
If you love this podcast andit's bringing you life, will you
take a moment and follow thepodcast, leave a review, share
it on social media or share itto a friend?
That helps this offering thatI'm bringing reach more women
(21:13):
and it supports me and mybusiness to be able to keep
doing this, to be able to keepshowing up, to build this
platform where we're reallyhaving these raw, real
conversations about what itactually looks like.
So what I was about to say is Ihave a couple spots left to work
together in 2025 in aone-on-one container, and
(21:36):
typically I like to work withwomen at least six months, if
not to a year, and that's a bigcommitment it is.
But I the reason I do that isbecause it's really easy to get
quick win results.
It's a lot different to haveresults that can withstand
several different seasonsbecause you know, in the first
(21:57):
couple of months you're going tohave this big transformation.
You're going to have all ofthese like, oh my goodness,
you're going to have all of thisnew health and life come up,
and then what's going to happenis that life is going to push in
and pull on those things and Iwant you to be able to build a
deep level of health andself-trust and resilience and
sovereignty and boundaries.
(22:17):
I want you to be able to holdthat as well in the winter, as
you can in summer, as you can infall, when shit hits the fan in
motherhood or your marriage oryour personal life or your
family, or you get a diagnosisor something happens with your
kid.
That's where health is built.
It's not just in this like oh,let's do like a cute little
(22:39):
container when things are reallygood and let's build it up.
It's what long-term, deep rootsof health and wellbeing.
That's the kind of work I wantto do.
You know I can give peoplequick wins and I love that too.
I think we all need quick wins.
Women I've worked with women andwe've done one call and I've
very frequently actually gottenthe response of I have done
(23:01):
years of therapy and I havenever felt better than I have
after this one call, and thatlasts too.
That is a lasting thing, notjust like, oh, I feel better
right now, it's like monthslater, I still feel better from
this one call.
And it's not because I'm magic,it's because we're working with
soma, we're working with body,we're getting out of this.
(23:22):
Let's just beat this horse todeath.
That's such a weird saying.
Where did that come from?
Okay, adhd focus when you keepgoing, you just keep telling the
stories over and over of whatbroke you and what's continuing
to break you.
That doesn't actually buildresilience that doesn't actually
build strength, that doesn'tactually build health.
(23:42):
It's an important part ofhealing, it's an important phase
of healing, but at some pointwe have to say, great, we know
what got you here.
Here's where you are.
How do we get you to whereyou're going?
How do we build more health andresilience and how do we build
resource in you and capacity inyou so that you can show up
differently?
(24:05):
Because I don't know about you,but I looked at my motherhood
one day and I said like thisisn't good enough.
And it wasn't out of a place ofshame anymore.
It was a place of I'm notshowing up to motherhood, to
parenting my kids in the waythat I want to.
I'm not showing up to mymarriage as the kind of wife I
want to be.
I'm not.
I don't feel as a person who Iwant to be, my relationship
(24:26):
spiritually and socially.
I didn't like how I was showingup and that wasn't this like oh
, you're okay, you should feelbetter.
It's like, no, I want to feelbetter and I want to do better
and that's okay.
All right, I'm going to get offmy soapbox.
I hope this podcast encouragedyou.
I hope it didn't just encourageyou and inspire you.
(24:48):
Go, act on it.
Go think about how this appliesto your life.
Get your hands dirty with it.
Notice where and when and howyou're getting dysregulated and
then pay attention to what'sgoing on in your body.
Pay attention to if thisdysregulation is yours or if
you're mirroring your kid'sdysregulation.
See if you can notice thedifference and the separation
(25:12):
between their body and your body, their emotions, your emotions,
their energy, your energy.
See if you can remember where,when and who you are.
So much, so much of health isremembering who you are, how old
you are, who you decide to be,who you're creating and
(25:40):
witnessing how much agency andaccess you have to a wide,
dynamic range of responses.
You could yell at your kidright now, but you could also
sing.
You could also lay down on thefloor and start making snow
angels I don't know you havelike.
Your body can move.
You have keys to a car.
You can leave.
You can walk, you can run, youcan fight, you can sleep.
(26:03):
You can curl up in a littleball and cry with a weighted
blanket.
Those are all options availableto you, and I think so many
women are stuck in thatfunctional freeze where you have
forgotten that you have accessto agency and choice, that it is
not these little kids who arerunning your life.
You are running your life.
Don't give them control of yourlife.
That's too much for them.
(26:25):
Do not make your kids thecenter of your happiness and
your wellbeing.
That's too much to ask of them.
They I.
For so long I wanted my kids tobe happy and healthy and I just
that's too much to ask.
They're not going to be happyand healthy all the time.
They're going to get sick.
They're going to have dayswhere they're pissed off.
They're going to have dayswhere they're grumpy and sad.
And what if we didn't make thata problem or our responsibility
(26:48):
?
Okay, anyways, I really amgoing to cut myself off this
time.
I hope you have a great day andI'll see you next time.
Thanks for joining me on today'sepisode of the Motherhood
Mentor Podcast.
Make sure you have subscribedbelow so that you see all of the
upcoming podcasts that arecoming soon.
I hope you take today's episodeand you take one aha moment,
(27:12):
one small, tangible piece ofwork that you can bring into
your life, to get your hands alittle dirty, to get your skin
in the game.
Don't forget to take upaudacious space in your life.
If this podcast moved you, ifit inspired you, if it
encouraged you, please do me afavor and leave a review.
Send an episode to a friend.
(27:32):
This helps the show gain moretraction.
It helps us to support moremoms, more women, and that's
what we're doing here.
So I hope you have an awesomeday, take really good care of
yourself and I'll see you nexttime, and that's what we're
doing here.
So I hope you have an awesomeday, take really good care of
yourself and I'll see you nexttime.
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