July 21, 2025 • 48 mins
If you’ve ever wondered why you feel anxious, overwhelmed, or like you are going through the motions but not really there, even when life looks fine on the outside - this episode is for you.
Your nervous system isn't broken- in fact it's working perfectly. In this podcast we dive into the wisdom of the body keeping score. Your dysregulation- no matter how destructive- it is a protective pattern. The snapping and yelling at the kids, the constant checking email, the lack of boundaries, the way you shut down and freak out when your husband is off- that's all dysregulation.
Becca unpacks how your nervous system’s fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses (aka people pleasing and over functioning) aren’t flaws to fix but natural survival patterns that may be over firing. You’ll learn why hyper-vigilance, perfectionism, emotional shutdown, and people-pleasing aren’t just “personality quirks” — they’re embodied trauma responses that can quietly run your life, your motherhood, marriage, and even your business.
This episode will help you:
✨ Understand dysregulation as a human experience, not a personal failure
✨ Recognize your patterns with compassion, not judgment
✨ Learn how regulation isn’t about eliminating stress but expanding your capacity to meet it
✨ Start building a new relationship with your nervous system and life, where presence matters more than performance
Ready to stop managing your nervous system like a problem to solve and start relating to it like a partner to care for? Tune in — and download the free worksheets in the show notes to explore your own patterns more deeply.
Download the free Somatic Workbook for guided practices and worksheets
If you’re ready to stop living on autopilot and start leading your life with deep presence, I’d love to work with you. Book a free interest call here: Click Here
If you’re ready to stop living on autopilot and start leading your life with deep presence, I’d love to work with you. Book a free interest call here: Click Here
💌 Want more? Follow me on Instagram @themotherhoodmentor for somatic tools, nervous system support, and real-talk on high-functioning burnout, ambition, healing perfectionism, and motherhood. And also pretty epic meme drops.
🎧 Did you love this episode? Be sure to follow and please take a quick moment to leave a review and send this episode to a friend. I'd love to hear from you on how this podcast impacted you, send me a DM or an email.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
I'm Becca, a somatic healingpractitioner and a holistic life
coach for moms, and thispodcast is for you.
You can expect honestconversations and incredible
guests that speak to health,healing and growth in every area
of our lives.
This isn't just strategy forwhat we do.
It's support for who we are.
I believe we can be wildlyambitious while still holding
(00:25):
all of our soft and hardhumanity as holy.
I love combining deep innerhealing with strategic systems
and no-nonsense talk about whatthis season is really like.
So grab whatever weird healthbeverage you're currently into
and let's get into it.
Welcome to today's episode ofthe Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
(00:46):
Today we are talking more aboutsomatic healing and I'm going
to share today one of the mostpowerful concepts we can talk
about, which is activation.
We are going to talk about whatit looks like to actually be
regulated and what dysregulationlooks like, what it feels like
and how we can change ourrelationship and our capacity
(01:09):
and the way that we move throughit.
Being dysregulated is a part ofthe human experience.
A lot of what we calldysregulation is a natural,
healthy human response toactivation to our environment.
It is a healthy pattern and wedon't want to get rid of it.
(01:31):
And that's very hard for thoseof you who are stuck in a trauma
response pattern.
And what I mean by a stucktrauma response pattern is maybe
you are stuck in a functionalfight or flight mode.
A lot of what that looks likeis hypervigilance, high anxiety,
(01:51):
high control, perfectionism.
You're there, but you're notreally there.
You're going through all themotions, everything looks great,
you're checking off the boxes,but you don't feel like you're
there.
This can be a functional freezewhere there's a lot going on.
You're still going through themotions, but you're not there.
(02:12):
The aliveness, the soul, theemotion.
You feel numb, but you're stillmoving.
Or maybe, again, you're in thatfight and flight mode where
you're constantly accidentallyover-responding to little things
.
You're snapping easily, you'refeeling really angry or anxious
(02:32):
or overwhelmed.
That is your body being inhyperdrive.
That is your body being inactivation right Activation as
in.
You are hyper aroused.
Your heart rate, your breath,your movements.
There's a rigidity and a speedand your pace of your body is
(02:58):
outpacing your presence.
You're moving so fast thatyou're missing it.
You don't feel present becauseyou're constantly fighting and
fighting.
And what that can look like inmodern motherhood you're
constantly overworking, you'reconstantly overfunctioning.
You're always inproblem-solving mode and even
when you're right here, you'renever here.
You're constantly in the future.
(03:18):
You're constantly so faroutside of yourself in
motherhood or your business andmarriage your energy and
attention and presence isleaning so far outside of you
and in front of you that youdon't feel where you are, you
don't feel deeply connected, youdon't feel deeply present.
You just feel so busy Busy is ahuge word here where it's in
(03:44):
the way your life feels.
That is the subtlety that somany people are missing, because
most of the women, especiallyif you're listening to this
podcast, this probably appliesto you.
This definitely applies to meand to most of my friends and my
clients.
Our responses are veryfunctional.
We are very high functioningpeople and what I mean by that
(04:06):
is that your dysregulation issneaky.
It's not necessarily going tolook like these obvious examples
of burnout, for example.
There can be women who areburnout in this hyper arousal or
the hypo arousal, where you areso burnt out and you feel dead
inside and you feel numb and youfeel frozen, and yet you're
(04:30):
still moving, you're stillshowing up, but you, you are.
You're like I don't feel alive,I don't feel that spark, I
don't feel that connection, Idon't feel that presence.
And so there's this activationor this lack of activation,
right, too much or too little?
This is what dysregulation canoften look like.
(04:51):
It's oh, when I'm inrelationship to my kids, I'm
under parenting or overparenting.
I'm not in my agency.
So a lot of people will talkabout the window of tolerance
with regulation, but I reallylike the language of the window
of presence when I think ofregulation.
(05:11):
Regulation doesn't mean a lackof activation, a lack of emotion
, a lack of fight, flight,freeze fawn.
It means I have capacity to bepresent and have that happening
in my body.
There is a relationship to it.
I am paying attention and I canfeel those hinges.
(05:33):
I can feel that place where Ihave agency and choice and I can
find and feel whether myresponse is appropriate for
right now.
Most of us, when we talk aboutdysregulation, when we talk
about I'm in a trauma response,a lot of times what we mean is
my response isn't appropriatefor what I want to do.
(05:58):
I'm not acting in accordance tomy values and my
decision-making and my authority.
I'm acting out of a pastexperience and a pattern.
My emotional response is eitherunder or over responsive to
what's actually happening.
A perfect example and it's oneof my favorites is my kids can
(06:19):
be bickering and my body feelsat level nine activation when
what's happening isn't dangerous, it's not unsafe, nobody's
being mean, nobody's beingharmful, no one's being out of
integrity, they're justbickering or they're having an
argument.
But my body you guys, my bodystill, after all my regulation,
(06:41):
after all of my healing, afterall of my growth work, I don't
like conflict.
My body responds to my kidshaving conflict or my husband.
If my husband, even if he'shaving emotions, my body can
tend to respond with, like giantsirens and signals internally.
I can go into fight and flightmode.
(07:01):
I can go into that freeze modewhere I'm like trying to like do
something but I feel frozen.
I can go into that fawningwhere I'm like overly attuning
to like what do you need?
What are you feeling?
What can I do?
How can I preemptively makesure I don't set you off or I
don't make it worse?
How do I make it better?
How do I make you feel better?
(07:22):
Right, I can have thisresponsiveness, but it's not an
appropriate response to what'shappening right now and that's
your very first sign that youare in dysregulation, and I
think of dysregulation, not thatyou're having a fight, flight
freeze response, but that you'rehaving it not in response to
(07:42):
what's actually happening rightnow, but that you're having it
not in response to what'sactually happening right now.
It's a remembered pattern.
Your body is perceiving what'shappening right now as something
that happened in the past or anexpected future threat.
The threat is not in the roomwith us.
I want to say that again Is thethreat in the room with you?
(08:03):
Can your body, can your nervoussystem attune to and feel where
you are right now, when you arehow you are?
Do you have a rightrelationship, an emotional
response, an emotional presenceand attunement and
responsiveness to where you are,who you are, who you're with
(08:27):
and what's happening?
Can you feel your access tomovement and mobility?
This is really importantbecause we need fight, flight
freeze fun.
I'm going to give you somelanguage for these that is
probably different than whatyou've necessarily heard.
(08:48):
I want you to think of thesenot as trauma responses, not as
dysregulation, but of movementpatterns.
This is a somatic, somarelationship and movement
relationship and movement Fightenergy.
(09:09):
That energy that happens in yourbody is an energy against.
There's an energy forward,there's an up activation, right.
So the energy is wanting tomove up and out.
It is wanting to mobilize you.
It is trying to get you readyto throw a fist, it is trying to
get you ready to put your armsup.
It's getting you aggressivelymoving against something.
(09:29):
So there is an energy, there isa mobility of muscle activation
, there's a heart rate increase.
You're moving faster.
There's something happening inyour mind, in your body, that is
revving up.
There's a fire burning, there'sa speeding up, there's an
intensity, and that intensity ismoving up and out and against.
(09:50):
It's moving against somethingwith a fist.
It's moving against somethingwith an activation, an anger, a
rage.
This can be passive, aggressive,if you're having a fight energy
, but you're also trying torepress it, right.
So there's there's the fightenergy, there's the fist, but
then there's also this energy inyou that's trying to like, be
(10:12):
kind and coy and nice and sweet,but it's still coming out.
It's still coming out becauseit's been this pressure cooker
and it's been building andbuilding, and building and
building, and then all of asudden it comes out sideways and
it's not even about that thing.
That can be a fight energy inyour body.
And here's the thing fightenergy can be and is often a
(10:35):
very healthy response to things.
Fight energy is what gives youboundaries.
It's what reminds you of yourinner no or not right now, or I
need to push this.
This person is too close for usto have healthy relationship
and I need some distance.
I need some space.
(10:55):
I need some time.
This is your breaks.
We need and want to have ourbodies to have the ability to
fight.
The difference is when is thatfight energy keeping you from
connection with your spouse?
Because every time they saysomething that triggers you, you
(11:18):
don't know how to accesshealthy fight energy and so
you're accessing a maladaptivefight energy or a fight energy
that's repressed from the pastkeeps coming out sideways at
your kids because you don't knowhow to set boundaries.
You only know how to yell, howto scream, how to overreact.
How do we energetically have aposture that still allows us to
(11:43):
fight?
But we know it's a centeredfight, so fight again.
It's that movement forward andtowards Flight energy.
Flight energy is a very intenseenergy.
Away from it is a mobilizationagain, so it's a hyper arousal.
(12:04):
There is an activation thatgoes up and out, but this goes
away from the problem.
Anxiety can look like a flightenergy because you're trying to
preemptively prevent, you'retrying to get away from the
problem.
You're trying to preemptivelysolve the problem, overworking,
(12:24):
overthinking that flight energyof you.
Preemptively don't say anything, you keep your mouth shut, you
pretend it's not happening, youdistract yourself.
Right, that flight energy?
When conflict happens with yourpartner or with your kids, your
(12:45):
instinct is I need to get awayfrom this, I need this to not be
happening.
I need you to go somewhere else, I need you to go watch the TV,
I need to distract you, I needthis to be further away from me,
but with my energies movingback and away from the problem.
A fawn energy is an activation.
(13:07):
So the fawn energy is veryinteresting because there's
several different thingshappening.
And remember, this is nothappening logically and this is
not happening in your own agency.
Your body is doing this for you.
When a fly comes your way andyou swat it away, that is a
nervous system response.
This is the same thing, aperfect example.
(13:29):
So my kids, maybe like a monthago, went to a park by our house
and there was another group ofkids there who actually
aggressively kind of attackedthem.
There was a conflict thathappened and it was so
fascinating because some of thekids had a fight energy.
(13:49):
They moved towards it andagainst it with anger and
aggression, and some kids wantedto just run away.
Some kids shut down and theydid nothing.
They said nothing, they werefrozen.
Some kids had one responsewhile the threat was active and
then, as soon as they were safe,their bodies had a whole
different response.
Right, each of our bodies havea response.
(14:10):
That's kind of our go-to.
It's our most instinctual, it'sour most natural pattern
because it's so deeply ingrained.
When I think of regulation, whenI'm teaching regulation not I
mean one to my personal self andmy personal life, but also with
my clients I'm working withregulation.
My goal is that your body, yourbrain, your agency, you have
(14:34):
access to mobilize all of theseresponses in a healthy way.
You have the ability toup-regulate and down-regulate.
You have the ability to fight.
You have the ability to runaway.
You have the ability toupregulate and downregulate.
You have the ability to fight.
You have the ability to runaway.
You have the ability to fawn.
You have the ability to freeze,to slow down, to pause, but you
also have the ability to moveand mobilize and metabolize that
(14:58):
after it happens.
So let's jump back into fawn.
So the FON response the firstthing that happens in a FON
response that's very subtle isthere's a disassociation of self
.
So there's a freeze thathappens, and that freeze is an
internal you don't feel yournatural response.
(15:21):
Natural response.
So there's a freeze in that youdon't feel you.
You don't feel your emotions,your sensitivity, your
boundaries, your capacity, yourconsent.
There is a disassociation of Idon't feel self.
And then there is this all ofyour attention goes to the other
(15:42):
.
Now a lot of people will namethis people pleasing, but it has
nothing to do with peoplepleasing.
It has sorry, it has nothing todo with pleasing other people.
If you think of this in theterms of there's a tiger,
there's a tiger and the fightresponse is I'm going to fight
this tiger.
I'm going to throw some fists.
I'm going to try to rip itshair.
(16:03):
I'm going to aggressively moveagainst it.
Flight is I'm going to run awayfrom this tiger?
I'm going to throw some fists.
I'm going to try to rip itshair.
I'm going to aggressively moveagainst it.
Flight is, I'm going to runaway from this tiger.
Fawning is I am going.
There is an activation in mybody that says this is dangerous
, this is not okay, I'm not safe, I'm not okay, but I don't
think I can fight, I don't thinkI can run away and I don't
think playing dead will work.
(16:23):
I am going to try to appeasethe tiger.
I'm going to try to pet thetiger.
I'm going to try to play nice.
I'm going to try to distractthe tiger into thinking I'm its
friend, not its food.
That is the fawning response.
It is not a I want to be niceand kind and loving.
It is a nervous system traumaresponse that you learned how
(16:46):
you are safe in relationships,how you are safe in belonging to
your partner, to your kids.
I have to control, manipulateand I don't use the word
manipulation as if it's thisevil thing you internally have a
over-responsibility of.
I have to control thetemperature of the tiger so that
(17:09):
I don't get attacked because Ican't fight the tiger, I can't
run from the tiger, I have to bein relationship to the tiger,
so I have to appease it.
A lot of people who had complextraumas, a lot of people who
had really dysregulated parentsand that might not even be on
the scale of trauma.
(17:30):
This might just be that you hadparents who got really, really
angry really fast.
You had to walk on eggshells.
They didn't ever have emotionalresponsibility, they didn't
have emotional intelligence, andso you, even as a child, had to
learn.
It's not safe for me to haveemotions because their emotions
are so big.
(17:51):
My body takes over the job.
I will manage my behavior.
I will manage my emotions sowell because I have to protect
myself from their emotions.
Because their emotions attackme.
Their emotions are pulled awayfrom me.
So I have to earn and appeaseand please and manipulate this
(18:12):
other person into loving me.
And how I do that is by needingnothing and wanting nothing and
to make myself an image of whatthey want and need me to be.
That's a lot.
That fawn response is fairlycomplicated and that's why it
can be really hard for people tolearn how to heal unless they
(18:33):
have this subtle language of thenervous system of understanding
.
This is not your oh, I'm lovingyou.
This is you have an existentialfear.
You have this deep, deep freezeof.
It's not that you don't haveboundaries, it's that you can't
feel them and you don't know howto access the fight energy that
(18:55):
says I'm going to stay here,but I know how to assert myself
and what I need, while stayingin connection and relationship
to you.
Your body can't feel is this atiger?
Or am I now married or inrelationship to someone who's
not a tiger?
But my body still thinks ofthem as a tiger.
So I'm still relating to you,like I did in that abusive or
(19:16):
that dysfunctional relationshipwith my parents or with a
previous partner.
I'm still responding, reactingas if that's still true, because
what happens with trauma, whathappens with dysregulation, is
that your body continues thepattern even after it's over.
Even after it's over.
(19:37):
That is a huge part of healing.
Can your body feel when thethreat leaves the room?
Can your body feel when thethreat leaves the room?
Can your body feel that you areno longer a child, that you are
no longer so vulnerable?
You are no longer in a positionwhere you don't have access to
fight and flight and communityright.
(19:59):
You have a way to get away.
You have money, you have a car,you have a home, you have
boundaries, you have ways thatyou can stay in relationship to
this person while also being farenough away that you are safe.
And this fawn response is very,very common, especially in women
, because a lot of times,especially historically,
(20:23):
relationally, women were in aposition where they couldn't
fight off and they couldn't getaway from the danger, especially
because so much of ourdysregulation, so much of our
trauma, it's relational topeople.
So much of our trauma it'srelational to people.
(20:46):
Relational trauma and drama isvery different than, let's say,
a natural disaster or somethinglike that, where there's a very
clear threat, there's a veryclear safety, there's a very
clear, often community, response, there's a name to what's given
.
People recognize what'shappening.
A lot of times, when there'srelational family issues going
on, no one's naming it, no one'stalking about it and there's no
(21:10):
one there to witness and havean appropriate response to it.
So you internalize it.
So we've gone over fight, we'vegone over flight, we've gone
over fun.
Next we're going to talk aboutfreeze, and freeze again, like
fawn, can be very simplistic andclear and sometimes it can be
(21:30):
really subtle and sneaky.
So a freeze response is wherethere is an internal activation
or numbness and sometimes on theI'm going to say more about
this because I just said twothings that kind of contradict
themselves.
Some people have a freeze whereon the outside, they're
(21:53):
paralyzed, they are, they feellike they can't do anything,
they can't say anything.
There is a frozennessexternally, but internally there
is massive amounts ofactivation.
There's tons of anxiety,there's overthinking.
It's like internally there'sthis activation of I want to run
(22:14):
but I have to freeze.
It's like you're trying to runthrough mud.
It's like there's bees buzzingin your chest and your belly but
you can't activate.
So there's this internalactivation and this external
freezing that happens wherethere's a rigidity to your
muscles, there's blood pumpingand breath is moving so quickly
(22:39):
but you're not moving.
Then there's the functionalfreeze.
This is you are going throughthe motions, there's activity,
it looks like there's activitythere, looks like there's
aliveness, but internally thereis this frozenness, this
numbness, this shutdown.
(23:00):
So if fawning is movingaggressively towards with like
I'm going to pet the tiger, I'mgoing to hug the tiger.
I'm going to aggressively cometowards you with this peasing
and a pleasing and fixing andfight.
Is this fist energy against andflight?
Is this energy away?
Freeze is either you're frozenbut there's so much happening
(23:27):
inside, or you're still goingthrough the motions but you feel
dead inside.
That's the functional freeze andI'm going to bring the language
to of the shutdown, collapse,whereas externally and or
internally, you're having thislack of mobility, this
(23:49):
flaccidity right Of if some ofthe others.
There's this muscle activationhere.
You're not accessing yourmobilization.
You're not accessing movementor response.
You're not accessing movementor response.
You're not accessing fightenergy.
You're not accessing even justwalking.
It's like everything takes toomuch energy.
(24:10):
There is a shutdown, there's alowness and slowness and if you
are a visual person, I'm goingto include some visuals and some
worksheets in the descriptionof this podcast so that you can
see some visuals of these.
It can really really help to beable to see and see some of the
(24:30):
words, see some of theexperiences.
I have some more like examplesof what these can look and feel
like, but I hope that helps youto understand that these
responses, they are a pattern.
It's a movement that's happeningenergetically and emotionally
and it's happening in youractual muscles, your heart rate,
(24:53):
your breath.
It's happening in the way thatyou're either doing something or
not doing something.
So when you're parenting yourkids, is there a hyper response
or a hyper response, or are youresponding in your window of
tolerance?
You're present.
Your creative, problem-solvingbrain is happening.
(25:13):
There's access to agency andchoice.
It's not like your arm is justmoving on its own.
You're doing the movementYou're doing, the choosing.
The problem isn't dysregulation.
The problem is that there's norelationship to regulation.
There's no relationship to thisthing that's happening
(25:35):
underneath our mental thoughtsand mindset.
Everyone talks so much aboutmental health and mindset.
This isn't just happening inyour head, it's happening in
your chest, it's happening inyour throat, in your eyes, in
the ways that you lose yourwords and you can't talk.
Or you're having a conversationand you can't find your words
(25:57):
until after the conversationends and you get home.
Find your words until after theconversation ends and you get
home and all of a sudden youwere like, oh, now I've got some
shit to say, but I couldn'tfeel that when I was in their
presence, I lost the fight andthe fire to be able to say the
hard thing and have a backbone.
I literally can't feel my ownbackbone because I learned not
(26:19):
to have any needs.
I learned that my consentdidn't matter.
What mattered is what youwanted and needed from me.
I don't even know what I wantand need anymore.
When women say I don't feel likemyself or I don't feel myself,
we mean that literally I can'tfeel my mobilization, my
activation.
I can't feel when I'm shut downbecause I've't feel my
(26:41):
mobilization, my activation.
I can't feel when I'm shut down, because I've been taught my
entire life to disassociate frommy body, to disassociate from
my emotion, because those areinconvenient.
Those are inconvenient andthey're uncomfortable.
They're uncomfortable foreverybody around me.
They're uncomfortable for myparents.
There's no room.
I just need to do things.
I just need to look at my to-dolist, I just need to look at
(27:01):
the roles and the performances.
What do you want from me?
What do you need?
What do you like?
And you're not in tune with yourwhole body's aliveness.
So when you think about yourfight and your flight and your
fun and your freeze, I want youto start thinking of it as a
mobilization, a movement, a waythat your body and your soul is
(27:26):
alive and responding to theenvironment, but remembering
that it's not just responding tohere and now.
Your body is a memory keeper.
Your body I hate the saying,honestly your body keeps the
score.
I would say.
Your body remembers patterns.
Your body remembers how tosurvive.
(27:47):
Your body remembers how to bein relationship to the tiger and
survive.
And maybe your body learned tofight or flight and freeze and
fawn, or flight and freeze andfawn.
However, your body learned howto do that.
Regulation comes from teachingyour body that there's other
options available to you andfinding that hinge of choice,
(28:10):
finding that hinge of agency ofthere are other ways to
metabolize, fight energy thanyelling at my kid.
That's not effective, thatdoesn't work here and now.
I need to update my nervoussystem responses.
There's no such thing asresetting them.
There are ways to update them.
(28:31):
There are ways to create morecapacity, the ability to hold
dysregulation without actingoutside your values.
For example, can you feel thatanger happening in your body?
Can you feel the sensation andthe movement and the energy and
the live wireness of it and knowhow to move, metabolize and
(28:53):
mobilize that anger in a healthyway that is good for you and
your kids?
Do you know that that energycould also set boundaries or
create masculine systems thatyou need to hold the nurturing
that's happening in your home?
Or did you know that there'squite literally ways that you
can move that?
Through music, through movement, through emotional regulation,
(29:16):
through writing?
There's a million differentsomatics tool right, somatics is
just this umbrella term of therelationship to yourself, the
relationship to your animal somabody, the holistic self.
So when you're thinking ofregulation, when you're thinking
(29:36):
of dysregulation.
As you look at these worksheets,start thinking about what
builds my capacity, what buildsmy ability to be able to move
these things, what builds myavailability to have this happen
and to respond appropriately.
(29:57):
And a big part of that is thatpresence is being able to feel
where, when and how.
Are you the ability to witnessmy nervous system is my body.
So replace nervous systemanytime you want with my body.
My body is over or underresponding to what's actually
(30:20):
happening right here and rightnow in front of me.
Can I witness this from anoutside perspective?
Can I gain perspective ofzooming in and zooming out of?
Is the threat in the room withus?
Is this threat my control or myresponsibility?
Is this dangerous?
My control or my responsibility?
Is this dangerous?
(30:41):
So much of the work that I dohonestly is helping women
recalibrate their bodies andtheir nervous systems and their
souls to right relationship totheir agency.
When it's parenting, are youunder or over responding or are
you appropriately responding?
Are your decisions and yourbehaviors, whether that's action
(31:07):
or non-action?
Does your aggressiveness oryour anger, or your fight or
your flight or your appeasingdoes it match the situation?
Can you, when you're in anargument with your partner.
Stop fawning, come back toyourself where you can actually
feel your full self, so you'reaware of what you want and need
so well.
(31:28):
You're so embodied, you're sowith yourself that now you can
actually connect to what yourpartner actually needs, because
your head's not up their ass.
That's my go-to right andespecially in marriage, my go-to
is fawning.
And when I was trying to healfrom fawning, I started over
correcting and was starting todisassociate from him too, cause
(31:50):
it's like, oh, I don't know howto feel myself when I'm with
you, so I'm just going todisassociate so hardcore from
you too.
Neither of those felt likegreat responses.
What helped was am I centered inmyself?
Am I embodied and present?
Am I in my creativity and myconnectivity to me and to you,
(32:12):
to the room?
It is my brain and my body andmy soul.
Are they turned on and here andpresent and in the room, so
that I can relate to you?
I can connect to you withoutlosing access to myself.
I can hold a boundary with youwithout being an asshole.
I can set a standard or anexpectation with my kid without
(32:36):
it being passive, aggressive ora martyr.
Expectation with my kid withoutit being passive, aggressive or
a martyr.
I can understand when I need topull away and have distance
from my business without burningit down.
I know when my body needs somespace and some healthy
disassociation, because I'moverly attuned to the world and
the news and what's happening.
I can feel that healthy, rightrelationship between me and not
(32:58):
me, mine and not mine.
I have a relationship ofmovement, of mobility.
Think of this as literalmobility.
You need strength, you needmuscle tension, but you don't
want to be so rigid that youlose all flexibility.
Right, because a lot ofinjuries happen because we are
(33:20):
so overtraining one area that wehave weakness or we have so
much strength but it's like arigidity, it's a hardness and it
feels rigid.
You have tension in your bodyand you're constantly bracing
and you're never breathing.
You're holding your breath orthere's not enough tension
(33:40):
breathing.
You're holding your breath orthere's not enough tension,
there's not enough strength.
You feel weak and you feelpowerless and you don't feel
your backbone.
You feel like there's notenough tension, there's not
enough strength, there's notenough mobility.
You feel like a little wobblynoodle.
You don't feel the rigidity ofyour bones and your muscle.
There's this movement betweenthe rigid and the strength and
(34:04):
the fight and the flight, andthen there's also this flow and
ease and slowdown.
It's this healthy relationshipto.
I have this masculine, healthyenergy in me and I also have
this feminine, and it's not thatI'm ever in the polar opposites
, it's that I know when and howto move between the two.
(34:24):
I know how to have a healthy,right response to what's
happening right in this moment.
I am in leadership andconnection and awareness to who
I am and where I am and what I'mdoing.
I can feel my leadership, I canfeel my agency, I can feel what
I'm doing and what I'm notdoing.
When women move into this, theybecome in such deep self-trust
(34:49):
that I have watched them have somuch capacity for things that
would have thrown them intomassive dysregulation.
Because, again, it's not yourwindow of tolerance, isn't this?
Oh, if I'm regulated, I'llnever have activation, I'll
never have dysregulation.
(35:10):
I can tolerate having massiveamounts of energy and emotion
and struggle or conflict orboundary violations or triggers
or conflict with someone else oreven within myself, but I know
how to hold it, I know how tomeet it, I know how to match it
with the proper response.
(35:30):
I know how much to move towardsor away from.
I can stay centered and rootedin who I am, into my values,
into who I'm becoming, into whatmatters to me.
I can stay centered and rootedin who I am, into my values,
into who I'm becoming, into whatmatters to me.
I can make decisions and wedidn't in this podcast, we
didn't even get into therelational dynamics, especially
(35:52):
of parenting that your kidsmight have a very different
nervous system response than youdo.
Their dysregulation mightmirror your own.
And let me tell you, when youcreate more capacity for your
dysregulation, for your emotions, that will help you not fear
(36:12):
your kids.
Whatever you build capacity forin yourself, you will build
capacity for your partner, foryour kids, for your business,
for your clients.
The greatest, I truly believethat one of the greatest skills
you can have as a leader is thisemotional nervous system
(36:32):
regulation.
You need to have the strongestnervous system in the room, the
strongest but also the mostflexible, the one that can move
between rigidity and flexibility, softness and hardness.
You know how and when and whereto meet things with more
pressure or less.
You know how to use your gasand your brakes because you've
(36:54):
felt that You've leaned intoyour edges of high and low and
medium health.
You know how to mobilize andmove and metabolize all of that
energy of being human.
So I really hope that today'spodcast, this was a lot of
information.
(37:15):
So just take a big, deep breathwith me.
Think of one small doablemiracle of this.
This could be the smallestpiece of just noticing
throughout your day.
Maybe it's your marriage whereyou're struggling most, maybe
(37:35):
it's in your motherhood, maybeit's with business, maybe it's
your own inner healing.
Start noticing what is the waythat I get dysregulated.
What is the movement of it?
Is it towards and against?
Is it away from?
Is it soft?
Is it a fist?
Is it a fawning?
Is it a running away?
(37:56):
Is it a shutting down?
What does that feel like?
What are the signs and thesymptoms and the emotions and
the sensations that I get in mybody that tell me that I'm
losing my presence, that I'mlosing my agency?
What are the yellow and orangeflags and what are the red flags
where I can see?
Oh my gosh, I am a dysregulatedtoddler right now.
I am a toddler throwing atantrum and this response is
(38:20):
over or under, reacting to thereality.
How can I go co-regulate?
Can I go get a drink a hotdrink, a cold drink?
Can I go for a walk?
Can I put on music?
Can I go put myself in atimeout, not as a punishment,
not as I've done something bad,but like I need a minute.
I need to go cry.
(38:40):
I need to go wrap myself in aweighted blanket, I need to go
hail Mary, text my friend, Ineed to go call my sister.
What do you need when you're inthat state where you're losing
yourself, you feel lost to theconflict, you feel lost to the
trigger, where your nervoussystem in your body is taking
(39:01):
over and you don't feel likeyourself.
You don't feel like you, youdon't feel like you're
responding appropriately how youwant to.
You're overeating or overdrinking or overworking, or
you're burnt out.
And here's the hard thing.
A lot of women have been in aglobal state of a functional
(39:21):
trauma response for so long.
You don't even know what itfeels like to be outside of that
.
And that is a lot of the workthat we do in coaching is
reconnecting your relationshipto your body, to your soma, to
your soul, to the animal bodythat is remembering patterns,
(39:42):
and we update those patterns.
We notice them, we name them,we witness the subtleties and
then we update them, we maturethem.
If you want some more support inthis nervous system, regulation
and understanding the way thatyou respond to conflict, the way
(40:03):
that you have these deeplyingrained patterns, and not just
seeking back for why or findingwho's responsible, but truly
just seeing what is my posture,what is my movement, what is my
mobility and how do we bringmore health?
Maybe you need a little bitmore rigidity, maybe you need a
little bit more flow, you need alittle bit more softness.
(40:26):
You need to be able to unbraceand unclench.
You need to be able to unclenchyour fists and your jaw and you
want to just be able to breatheand sink into life a little bit
more.
Or maybe you need a more sturdy, solid backbone.
You need to be able to accessyour muscle.
You need to be able to hit thatgas a little harder.
(40:47):
Or you need to find somewhere.
You live in those extremes, thislike you live in the hyper or
the hypo, and you want to findthat happy balance, that happy
medium where you can go fast butyou can also go slow, and you
can also find this medium placewhere there is health and calm
and an appropriate pace, whereyou feel present, you're not
(41:09):
going too fast or you're notgoing too slow, it's not too
much or too little.
You're not under or overresponding, you're responding
appropriately and you'reconnected.
You're connected to yourselfand you're connected to your
kids and your partner.
You're connected to your work.
You feel like you're in theroom.
You feel like you're in theroom, you feel like you're all
(41:31):
there, you feel your aliveness,but you get out of that cycle of
feeling everything all at onceto the point where it's like you
feel like you're being flooded,or you feel nothing, where
you're like it's too much andnot enough at the same time.
Or it's this you feel lifeless,you feel frozen, you feel numb,
(41:52):
you feel like you're floatingabove your life.
These are all things that arehappening in your body.
It's happening in your soma,your soul, and so if you want
help and support with that, Iwould love to work with you.
I have a few spots open forone-on-one in the fall.
I also have a private podcastwhere you can listen to more
(42:16):
deep dives into somatic healing,more tools, more workbooks.
It's a very easy, accessible,low cost way to be able to dive
into the somatic work,especially if you're someone who
, just like you just want to DIYit right now.
You just want to learn more andsoak it in.
Or maybe you're a practitioneror a therapist or coach who
(42:37):
wants to be able to reallyintegrate and learn more
language about somatics.
I have that private podcastavailable.
It also has some breath work,some guided somatic sessions.
Eventually it's going to havesome somatic movement.
I have not figured out a goodway to video it.
Every time I have tried tovideo the movement it's like the
(42:57):
worst.
I need to find someone to helpme, because I'm not in
perfectionism anymore but I dowant things to be quality and
for them to like feel like areally good experience.
So eventually there will bethose.
But right now it's just aprivate podcast and it's really
a powerful place, but it's alsoreally easily accessible.
So those are just two differentways that I can help you and
(43:19):
support you.
But again, if you loved this,definitely go check out in the
show notes.
I have some of those workbooksthat will really help give you
visuals.
There's also, if you look back,there's two of those
previousbooks that will reallyhelp give you visuals.
There's also, if you look back,there's two of those previous
podcasts on somatics.
And let me know.
I would love, absolutely love,to hear from you.
(43:39):
What was your aha moment?
What did you notice in thispodcast?
What questions do you have?
Where are you noticing yourfight, your fight, your freeze,
your fawn?
What resonated with you?
I love hearing from you guys.
I love hearing your questions,your aha moments.
If you loved this podcast, willyou take a moment and follow
(44:03):
along?
That way, you get all of thenew podcasts sent straight to
your podcast app and leave aquick review.
It only takes a minute or twoto leave a review, but this
really helps the podcast.
It helps me help more moms andif you have a friend who would
love this, share the episode,share it on social media and tag
me so I can thank you and sendme a DM.
(44:24):
That's why I do this is tosupport you and help you.
I think so many people are sohyper focused on what moms do.
My heart is to always be aspace and a place where we focus
about who you are and how itfeels to be you, and what your
motherhood looks and feels like,and how you're moving through
(44:47):
life and your pace and yourheart and your healing and your
nervous system.
And, yeah, I want to give youlanguage and I want you to feel
seen and heard, but I also wantto give you tangible, realistic
tools that help you, because Ithink so often we hear either
the super positive of likeeverything's great and pretty
(45:08):
and perfect, or thiseverything's awful and pretty
and perfect, or thiseverything's awful and we hate
motherhood.
And you know, I personally livesomewhere in this weird messy
middle where it's like I havethis beautiful, wonderful life
that I love and also it's hardsometimes.
And healing for me, regulationfor me.
That shit was hard.
I had complex PTSD.
(45:30):
I had massive amounts of sexualtrauma and trauma in
relationships that impacted me.
The waves of that impacthappened long after it ended.
It wasn't just what I survived,it was how I survived, kept me
stuck, it kept me frozen, itkept me feeling and acting and
(45:55):
relating in ways that didn'tfeel like me, like I didn't know
who I was outside of thosetrauma responses I didn't know.
Oh my gosh, like I think backto my marriage, I think back to
my like early motherhood of.
I was so frozen, I was so stuckin fawning and people pleasing
and I was so numb, and yet Idon't think anyone knew I really
(46:19):
, truly.
I mean maybe some people closeto me somewhat saw, but I was so
good at the functional, atbeing a high functioner, where
the worse internally I feltsometimes, the better I showed
up externally, the morecontrolled and the more I looked
put together.
(46:40):
And even when I was so burntout, even when I was so
exhausted, I was still going andI was still happy and grateful.
I truly was.
I was still so grateful and Iloved my life.
And so there was this dichotomywhere I feel like I didn't know
who or how to talk about it.
I didn't have the language thatI have now, especially of
(47:01):
somatics, of how I could befeeling and experiencing
something that didn'tnecessarily reflect externally
that I could be doing the rightthings and going through the
right motions, but that didn'tfeel right, that I could feel so
, so stuck and paralyzed andalone, even when I was
(47:21):
surrounded.
And so, anyways, I hope today'sepisode helped you, I hope it
encouraged you and take some big, deep breaths.
Go listen to some good music,go move your body.
Moving your body is such anamazing way to mobilize energy.
(47:42):
We're going to talk about thaton a future podcast.
I'm not going to go off thattangent because I need to end
this podcast, but I hope youhave a great day and I'll see
you next time.
Thanks for joining me on today'sepisode of the motherhood
mentor podcast.
Make sure you have subscribedbelow so that you see all of the
(48:03):
upcoming podcasts that arecoming soon.
I hope you take today's episodeand you take one aha moment,
one small, tangible piece ofwork that you can bring into
your life.
To get your hands a littledirty, to get your skin in the
game.
Don't forget to take upaudacious space in your life.
If this podcast moved you, ifit inspired you, if it
(48:25):
encouraged you, please do me afavor and leave a review, send
an episode to a friend.
This helps the show gain moretraction.
It helps us to support moremoms, more women, and that's
what we're doing here.
So I hope you have an awesomeday, take really good care of
yourself and I'll see you nexttime.
Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
I'm Becca, a somatic healingpractitioner and a holistic life
coach for moms, and thispodcast is for you.
You can expect honestconversations and incredible
guests that speak to health,healing and growth in every area
of our lives.
This isn't just strategy forwhat we do.
It's support for who we are.
I believe we can be wildlyambitious while still holding
(00:25):
all of our soft and hardhumanity as holy.
I love combining deep innerhealing with strategic systems
and no-nonsense talk about whatthis season is really like.
So grab whatever weird healthbeverage you're currently into
and let's get into it.
Welcome to today's episode ofthe Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
(00:46):
Today we are talking more aboutsomatic healing and I'm going
to share today one of the mostpowerful concepts we can talk
about, which is activation.
We are going to talk about whatit looks like to actually be
regulated and what dysregulationlooks like, what it feels like
and how we can change ourrelationship and our capacity
(01:09):
and the way that we move throughit.
Being dysregulated is a part ofthe human experience.
A lot of what we calldysregulation is a natural,
healthy human response toactivation to our environment.
It is a healthy pattern and wedon't want to get rid of it.
(01:31):
And that's very hard for thoseof you who are stuck in a trauma
response pattern.
And what I mean by a stucktrauma response pattern is maybe
you are stuck in a functionalfight or flight mode.
A lot of what that looks likeis hypervigilance, high anxiety,
(01:51):
high control, perfectionism.
You're there, but you're notreally there.
You're going through all themotions, everything looks great,
you're checking off the boxes,but you don't feel like you're
there.
This can be a functional freezewhere there's a lot going on.
You're still going through themotions, but you're not there.
(02:12):
The aliveness, the soul, theemotion.
You feel numb, but you're stillmoving.
Or maybe, again, you're in thatfight and flight mode where
you're constantly accidentallyover-responding to little things
.
You're snapping easily, you'refeeling really angry or anxious
(02:32):
or overwhelmed.
That is your body being inhyperdrive.
That is your body being inactivation right Activation as
in.
You are hyper aroused.
Your heart rate, your breath,your movements.
There's a rigidity and a speedand your pace of your body is
(02:58):
outpacing your presence.
You're moving so fast thatyou're missing it.
You don't feel present becauseyou're constantly fighting and
fighting.
And what that can look like inmodern motherhood you're
constantly overworking, you'reconstantly overfunctioning.
You're always inproblem-solving mode and even
when you're right here, you'renever here.
You're constantly in the future.
(03:18):
You're constantly so faroutside of yourself in
motherhood or your business andmarriage your energy and
attention and presence isleaning so far outside of you
and in front of you that youdon't feel where you are, you
don't feel deeply connected, youdon't feel deeply present.
You just feel so busy Busy is ahuge word here where it's in
(03:44):
the way your life feels.
That is the subtlety that somany people are missing, because
most of the women, especiallyif you're listening to this
podcast, this probably appliesto you.
This definitely applies to meand to most of my friends and my
clients.
Our responses are veryfunctional.
We are very high functioningpeople and what I mean by that
(04:06):
is that your dysregulation issneaky.
It's not necessarily going tolook like these obvious examples
of burnout, for example.
There can be women who areburnout in this hyper arousal or
the hypo arousal, where you areso burnt out and you feel dead
inside and you feel numb and youfeel frozen, and yet you're
(04:30):
still moving, you're stillshowing up, but you, you are.
You're like I don't feel alive,I don't feel that spark, I
don't feel that connection, Idon't feel that presence.
And so there's this activationor this lack of activation,
right, too much or too little?
This is what dysregulation canoften look like.
(04:51):
It's oh, when I'm inrelationship to my kids, I'm
under parenting or overparenting.
I'm not in my agency.
So a lot of people will talkabout the window of tolerance
with regulation, but I reallylike the language of the window
of presence when I think ofregulation.
(05:11):
Regulation doesn't mean a lackof activation, a lack of emotion
, a lack of fight, flight,freeze fawn.
It means I have capacity to bepresent and have that happening
in my body.
There is a relationship to it.
I am paying attention and I canfeel those hinges.
(05:33):
I can feel that place where Ihave agency and choice and I can
find and feel whether myresponse is appropriate for
right now.
Most of us, when we talk aboutdysregulation, when we talk
about I'm in a trauma response,a lot of times what we mean is
my response isn't appropriatefor what I want to do.
(05:58):
I'm not acting in accordance tomy values and my
decision-making and my authority.
I'm acting out of a pastexperience and a pattern.
My emotional response is eitherunder or over responsive to
what's actually happening.
A perfect example and it's oneof my favorites is my kids can
(06:19):
be bickering and my body feelsat level nine activation when
what's happening isn't dangerous, it's not unsafe, nobody's
being mean, nobody's beingharmful, no one's being out of
integrity, they're justbickering or they're having an
argument.
But my body you guys, my bodystill, after all my regulation,
(06:41):
after all of my healing, afterall of my growth work, I don't
like conflict.
My body responds to my kidshaving conflict or my husband.
If my husband, even if he'shaving emotions, my body can
tend to respond with, like giantsirens and signals internally.
I can go into fight and flightmode.
(07:01):
I can go into that freeze modewhere I'm like trying to like do
something but I feel frozen.
I can go into that fawningwhere I'm like overly attuning
to like what do you need?
What are you feeling?
What can I do?
How can I preemptively makesure I don't set you off or I
don't make it worse?
How do I make it better?
How do I make you feel better?
(07:22):
Right, I can have thisresponsiveness, but it's not an
appropriate response to what'shappening right now and that's
your very first sign that youare in dysregulation, and I
think of dysregulation, not thatyou're having a fight, flight
freeze response, but that you'rehaving it not in response to
(07:42):
what's actually happening rightnow, but that you're having it
not in response to what'sactually happening right now.
It's a remembered pattern.
Your body is perceiving what'shappening right now as something
that happened in the past or anexpected future threat.
The threat is not in the roomwith us.
I want to say that again Is thethreat in the room with you?
(08:03):
Can your body, can your nervoussystem attune to and feel where
you are right now, when you arehow you are?
Do you have a rightrelationship, an emotional
response, an emotional presenceand attunement and
responsiveness to where you are,who you are, who you're with
(08:27):
and what's happening?
Can you feel your access tomovement and mobility?
This is really importantbecause we need fight, flight
freeze fun.
I'm going to give you somelanguage for these that is
probably different than whatyou've necessarily heard.
(08:48):
I want you to think of thesenot as trauma responses, not as
dysregulation, but of movementpatterns.
This is a somatic, somarelationship and movement
relationship and movement Fightenergy.
(09:09):
That energy that happens in yourbody is an energy against.
There's an energy forward,there's an up activation, right.
So the energy is wanting tomove up and out.
It is wanting to mobilize you.
It is trying to get you readyto throw a fist, it is trying to
get you ready to put your armsup.
It's getting you aggressivelymoving against something.
(09:29):
So there is an energy, there isa mobility of muscle activation
, there's a heart rate increase.
You're moving faster.
There's something happening inyour mind, in your body, that is
revving up.
There's a fire burning, there'sa speeding up, there's an
intensity, and that intensity ismoving up and out and against.
(09:50):
It's moving against somethingwith a fist.
It's moving against somethingwith an activation, an anger, a
rage.
This can be passive, aggressive,if you're having a fight energy
, but you're also trying torepress it, right.
So there's there's the fightenergy, there's the fist, but
then there's also this energy inyou that's trying to like, be
(10:12):
kind and coy and nice and sweet,but it's still coming out.
It's still coming out becauseit's been this pressure cooker
and it's been building andbuilding, and building and
building, and then all of asudden it comes out sideways and
it's not even about that thing.
That can be a fight energy inyour body.
And here's the thing fightenergy can be and is often a
(10:35):
very healthy response to things.
Fight energy is what gives youboundaries.
It's what reminds you of yourinner no or not right now, or I
need to push this.
This person is too close for usto have healthy relationship
and I need some distance.
I need some space.
(10:55):
I need some time.
This is your breaks.
We need and want to have ourbodies to have the ability to
fight.
The difference is when is thatfight energy keeping you from
connection with your spouse?
Because every time they saysomething that triggers you, you
(11:18):
don't know how to accesshealthy fight energy and so
you're accessing a maladaptivefight energy or a fight energy
that's repressed from the pastkeeps coming out sideways at
your kids because you don't knowhow to set boundaries.
You only know how to yell, howto scream, how to overreact.
How do we energetically have aposture that still allows us to
(11:43):
fight?
But we know it's a centeredfight, so fight again.
It's that movement forward andtowards Flight energy.
Flight energy is a very intenseenergy.
Away from it is a mobilizationagain, so it's a hyper arousal.
(12:04):
There is an activation thatgoes up and out, but this goes
away from the problem.
Anxiety can look like a flightenergy because you're trying to
preemptively prevent, you'retrying to get away from the
problem.
You're trying to preemptivelysolve the problem, overworking,
(12:24):
overthinking that flight energyof you.
Preemptively don't say anything, you keep your mouth shut, you
pretend it's not happening, youdistract yourself.
Right, that flight energy?
When conflict happens with yourpartner or with your kids, your
(12:45):
instinct is I need to get awayfrom this, I need this to not be
happening.
I need you to go somewhere else, I need you to go watch the TV,
I need to distract you, I needthis to be further away from me,
but with my energies movingback and away from the problem.
A fawn energy is an activation.
(13:07):
So the fawn energy is veryinteresting because there's
several different thingshappening.
And remember, this is nothappening logically and this is
not happening in your own agency.
Your body is doing this for you.
When a fly comes your way andyou swat it away, that is a
nervous system response.
This is the same thing, aperfect example.
(13:29):
So my kids, maybe like a monthago, went to a park by our house
and there was another group ofkids there who actually
aggressively kind of attackedthem.
There was a conflict thathappened and it was so
fascinating because some of thekids had a fight energy.
(13:49):
They moved towards it andagainst it with anger and
aggression, and some kids wantedto just run away.
Some kids shut down and theydid nothing.
They said nothing, they werefrozen.
Some kids had one responsewhile the threat was active and
then, as soon as they were safe,their bodies had a whole
different response.
Right, each of our bodies havea response.
(14:10):
That's kind of our go-to.
It's our most instinctual, it'sour most natural pattern
because it's so deeply ingrained.
When I think of regulation, whenI'm teaching regulation not I
mean one to my personal self andmy personal life, but also with
my clients I'm working withregulation.
My goal is that your body, yourbrain, your agency, you have
(14:34):
access to mobilize all of theseresponses in a healthy way.
You have the ability toup-regulate and down-regulate.
You have the ability to fight.
You have the ability to runaway.
You have the ability toupregulate and downregulate.
You have the ability to fight.
You have the ability to runaway.
You have the ability to fawn.
You have the ability to freeze,to slow down, to pause, but you
also have the ability to moveand mobilize and metabolize that
(14:58):
after it happens.
So let's jump back into fawn.
So the FON response the firstthing that happens in a FON
response that's very subtle isthere's a disassociation of self
.
So there's a freeze thathappens, and that freeze is an
internal you don't feel yournatural response.
(15:21):
Natural response.
So there's a freeze in that youdon't feel you.
You don't feel your emotions,your sensitivity, your
boundaries, your capacity, yourconsent.
There is a disassociation of Idon't feel self.
And then there is this all ofyour attention goes to the other
(15:42):
.
Now a lot of people will namethis people pleasing, but it has
nothing to do with peoplepleasing.
It has sorry, it has nothing todo with pleasing other people.
If you think of this in theterms of there's a tiger,
there's a tiger and the fightresponse is I'm going to fight
this tiger.
I'm going to throw some fists.
I'm going to try to rip itshair.
(16:03):
I'm going to aggressively moveagainst it.
Flight is I'm going to run awayfrom this tiger?
I'm going to throw some fists.
I'm going to try to rip itshair.
I'm going to aggressively moveagainst it.
Flight is, I'm going to runaway from this tiger.
Fawning is I am going.
There is an activation in mybody that says this is dangerous
, this is not okay, I'm not safe, I'm not okay, but I don't
think I can fight, I don't thinkI can run away and I don't
think playing dead will work.
(16:23):
I am going to try to appeasethe tiger.
I'm going to try to pet thetiger.
I'm going to try to play nice.
I'm going to try to distractthe tiger into thinking I'm its
friend, not its food.
That is the fawning response.
It is not a I want to be niceand kind and loving.
It is a nervous system traumaresponse that you learned how
(16:46):
you are safe in relationships,how you are safe in belonging to
your partner, to your kids.
I have to control, manipulateand I don't use the word
manipulation as if it's thisevil thing you internally have a
over-responsibility of.
I have to control thetemperature of the tiger so that
(17:09):
I don't get attacked because Ican't fight the tiger, I can't
run from the tiger, I have to bein relationship to the tiger,
so I have to appease it.
A lot of people who had complextraumas, a lot of people who
had really dysregulated parentsand that might not even be on
the scale of trauma.
(17:30):
This might just be that you hadparents who got really, really
angry really fast.
You had to walk on eggshells.
They didn't ever have emotionalresponsibility, they didn't
have emotional intelligence, andso you, even as a child, had to
learn.
It's not safe for me to haveemotions because their emotions
are so big.
(17:51):
My body takes over the job.
I will manage my behavior.
I will manage my emotions sowell because I have to protect
myself from their emotions.
Because their emotions attackme.
Their emotions are pulled awayfrom me.
So I have to earn and appeaseand please and manipulate this
(18:12):
other person into loving me.
And how I do that is by needingnothing and wanting nothing and
to make myself an image of whatthey want and need me to be.
That's a lot.
That fawn response is fairlycomplicated and that's why it
can be really hard for people tolearn how to heal unless they
(18:33):
have this subtle language of thenervous system of understanding
.
This is not your oh, I'm lovingyou.
This is you have an existentialfear.
You have this deep, deep freezeof.
It's not that you don't haveboundaries, it's that you can't
feel them and you don't know howto access the fight energy that
(18:55):
says I'm going to stay here,but I know how to assert myself
and what I need, while stayingin connection and relationship
to you.
Your body can't feel is this atiger?
Or am I now married or inrelationship to someone who's
not a tiger?
But my body still thinks ofthem as a tiger.
So I'm still relating to you,like I did in that abusive or
(19:16):
that dysfunctional relationshipwith my parents or with a
previous partner.
I'm still responding, reactingas if that's still true, because
what happens with trauma, whathappens with dysregulation, is
that your body continues thepattern even after it's over.
Even after it's over.
(19:37):
That is a huge part of healing.
Can your body feel when thethreat leaves the room?
Can your body feel when thethreat leaves the room?
Can your body feel that you areno longer a child, that you are
no longer so vulnerable?
You are no longer in a positionwhere you don't have access to
fight and flight and communityright.
(19:59):
You have a way to get away.
You have money, you have a car,you have a home, you have
boundaries, you have ways thatyou can stay in relationship to
this person while also being farenough away that you are safe.
And this fawn response is very,very common, especially in women
, because a lot of times,especially historically,
(20:23):
relationally, women were in aposition where they couldn't
fight off and they couldn't getaway from the danger, especially
because so much of ourdysregulation, so much of our
trauma, it's relational topeople.
So much of our trauma it'srelational to people.
(20:46):
Relational trauma and drama isvery different than, let's say,
a natural disaster or somethinglike that, where there's a very
clear threat, there's a veryclear safety, there's a very
clear, often community, response, there's a name to what's given
.
People recognize what'shappening.
A lot of times, when there'srelational family issues going
on, no one's naming it, no one'stalking about it and there's no
(21:10):
one there to witness and havean appropriate response to it.
So you internalize it.
So we've gone over fight, we'vegone over flight, we've gone
over fun.
Next we're going to talk aboutfreeze, and freeze again, like
fawn, can be very simplistic andclear and sometimes it can be
(21:30):
really subtle and sneaky.
So a freeze response is wherethere is an internal activation
or numbness and sometimes on theI'm going to say more about
this because I just said twothings that kind of contradict
themselves.
Some people have a freeze whereon the outside, they're
(21:53):
paralyzed, they are, they feellike they can't do anything,
they can't say anything.
There is a frozennessexternally, but internally there
is massive amounts ofactivation.
There's tons of anxiety,there's overthinking.
It's like internally there'sthis activation of I want to run
(22:14):
but I have to freeze.
It's like you're trying to runthrough mud.
It's like there's bees buzzingin your chest and your belly but
you can't activate.
So there's this internalactivation and this external
freezing that happens wherethere's a rigidity to your
muscles, there's blood pumpingand breath is moving so quickly
(22:39):
but you're not moving.
Then there's the functionalfreeze.
This is you are going throughthe motions, there's activity,
it looks like there's activitythere, looks like there's
aliveness, but internally thereis this frozenness, this
numbness, this shutdown.
(23:00):
So if fawning is movingaggressively towards with like
I'm going to pet the tiger, I'mgoing to hug the tiger.
I'm going to aggressively cometowards you with this peasing
and a pleasing and fixing andfight.
Is this fist energy against andflight?
Is this energy away?
Freeze is either you're frozenbut there's so much happening
(23:27):
inside, or you're still goingthrough the motions but you feel
dead inside.
That's the functional freeze andI'm going to bring the language
to of the shutdown, collapse,whereas externally and or
internally, you're having thislack of mobility, this
(23:49):
flaccidity right Of if some ofthe others.
There's this muscle activationhere.
You're not accessing yourmobilization.
You're not accessing movementor response.
You're not accessing movementor response.
You're not accessing fightenergy.
You're not accessing even justwalking.
It's like everything takes toomuch energy.
(24:10):
There is a shutdown, there's alowness and slowness and if you
are a visual person, I'm goingto include some visuals and some
worksheets in the descriptionof this podcast so that you can
see some visuals of these.
It can really really help to beable to see and see some of the
(24:30):
words, see some of theexperiences.
I have some more like examplesof what these can look and feel
like, but I hope that helps youto understand that these
responses, they are a pattern.
It's a movement that's happeningenergetically and emotionally
and it's happening in youractual muscles, your heart rate,
(24:53):
your breath.
It's happening in the way thatyou're either doing something or
not doing something.
So when you're parenting yourkids, is there a hyper response
or a hyper response, or are youresponding in your window of
tolerance?
You're present.
Your creative, problem-solvingbrain is happening.
(25:13):
There's access to agency andchoice.
It's not like your arm is justmoving on its own.
You're doing the movementYou're doing, the choosing.
The problem isn't dysregulation.
The problem is that there's norelationship to regulation.
There's no relationship to thisthing that's happening
(25:35):
underneath our mental thoughtsand mindset.
Everyone talks so much aboutmental health and mindset.
This isn't just happening inyour head, it's happening in
your chest, it's happening inyour throat, in your eyes, in
the ways that you lose yourwords and you can't talk.
Or you're having a conversationand you can't find your words
(25:57):
until after the conversationends and you get home.
Find your words until after theconversation ends and you get
home and all of a sudden youwere like, oh, now I've got some
shit to say, but I couldn'tfeel that when I was in their
presence, I lost the fight andthe fire to be able to say the
hard thing and have a backbone.
I literally can't feel my ownbackbone because I learned not
(26:19):
to have any needs.
I learned that my consentdidn't matter.
What mattered is what youwanted and needed from me.
I don't even know what I wantand need anymore.
When women say I don't feel likemyself or I don't feel myself,
we mean that literally I can'tfeel my mobilization, my
activation.
I can't feel when I'm shut downbecause I've't feel my
(26:41):
mobilization, my activation.
I can't feel when I'm shut down, because I've been taught my
entire life to disassociate frommy body, to disassociate from
my emotion, because those areinconvenient.
Those are inconvenient andthey're uncomfortable.
They're uncomfortable foreverybody around me.
They're uncomfortable for myparents.
There's no room.
I just need to do things.
I just need to look at my to-dolist, I just need to look at
(27:01):
the roles and the performances.
What do you want from me?
What do you need?
What do you like?
And you're not in tune with yourwhole body's aliveness.
So when you think about yourfight and your flight and your
fun and your freeze, I want youto start thinking of it as a
mobilization, a movement, a waythat your body and your soul is
(27:26):
alive and responding to theenvironment, but remembering
that it's not just responding tohere and now.
Your body is a memory keeper.
Your body I hate the saying,honestly your body keeps the
score.
I would say.
Your body remembers patterns.
Your body remembers how tosurvive.
(27:47):
Your body remembers how to bein relationship to the tiger and
survive.
And maybe your body learned tofight or flight and freeze and
fawn, or flight and freeze andfawn.
However, your body learned howto do that.
Regulation comes from teachingyour body that there's other
options available to you andfinding that hinge of choice,
(28:10):
finding that hinge of agency ofthere are other ways to
metabolize, fight energy thanyelling at my kid.
That's not effective, thatdoesn't work here and now.
I need to update my nervoussystem responses.
There's no such thing asresetting them.
There are ways to update them.
(28:31):
There are ways to create morecapacity, the ability to hold
dysregulation without actingoutside your values.
For example, can you feel thatanger happening in your body?
Can you feel the sensation andthe movement and the energy and
the live wireness of it and knowhow to move, metabolize and
(28:53):
mobilize that anger in a healthyway that is good for you and
your kids?
Do you know that that energycould also set boundaries or
create masculine systems thatyou need to hold the nurturing
that's happening in your home?
Or did you know that there'squite literally ways that you
can move that?
Through music, through movement, through emotional regulation,
(29:16):
through writing?
There's a million differentsomatics tool right, somatics is
just this umbrella term of therelationship to yourself, the
relationship to your animal somabody, the holistic self.
So when you're thinking ofregulation, when you're thinking
(29:36):
of dysregulation.
As you look at these worksheets,start thinking about what
builds my capacity, what buildsmy ability to be able to move
these things, what builds myavailability to have this happen
and to respond appropriately.
(29:57):
And a big part of that is thatpresence is being able to feel
where, when and how.
Are you the ability to witnessmy nervous system is my body.
So replace nervous systemanytime you want with my body.
My body is over or underresponding to what's actually
(30:20):
happening right here and rightnow in front of me.
Can I witness this from anoutside perspective?
Can I gain perspective ofzooming in and zooming out of?
Is the threat in the room withus?
Is this threat my control or myresponsibility?
Is this dangerous?
My control or my responsibility?
Is this dangerous?
(30:41):
So much of the work that I dohonestly is helping women
recalibrate their bodies andtheir nervous systems and their
souls to right relationship totheir agency.
When it's parenting, are youunder or over responding or are
you appropriately responding?
Are your decisions and yourbehaviors, whether that's action
(31:07):
or non-action?
Does your aggressiveness oryour anger, or your fight or
your flight or your appeasingdoes it match the situation?
Can you, when you're in anargument with your partner.
Stop fawning, come back toyourself where you can actually
feel your full self, so you'reaware of what you want and need
so well.
(31:28):
You're so embodied, you're sowith yourself that now you can
actually connect to what yourpartner actually needs, because
your head's not up their ass.
That's my go-to right andespecially in marriage, my go-to
is fawning.
And when I was trying to healfrom fawning, I started over
correcting and was starting todisassociate from him too, cause
(31:50):
it's like, oh, I don't know howto feel myself when I'm with
you, so I'm just going todisassociate so hardcore from
you too.
Neither of those felt likegreat responses.
What helped was am I centered inmyself?
Am I embodied and present?
Am I in my creativity and myconnectivity to me and to you,
(32:12):
to the room?
It is my brain and my body andmy soul.
Are they turned on and here andpresent and in the room, so
that I can relate to you?
I can connect to you withoutlosing access to myself.
I can hold a boundary with youwithout being an asshole.
I can set a standard or anexpectation with my kid without
(32:36):
it being passive, aggressive ora martyr.
Expectation with my kid withoutit being passive, aggressive or
a martyr.
I can understand when I need topull away and have distance
from my business without burningit down.
I know when my body needs somespace and some healthy
disassociation, because I'moverly attuned to the world and
the news and what's happening.
I can feel that healthy, rightrelationship between me and not
(32:58):
me, mine and not mine.
I have a relationship ofmovement, of mobility.
Think of this as literalmobility.
You need strength, you needmuscle tension, but you don't
want to be so rigid that youlose all flexibility.
Right, because a lot ofinjuries happen because we are
(33:20):
so overtraining one area that wehave weakness or we have so
much strength but it's like arigidity, it's a hardness and it
feels rigid.
You have tension in your bodyand you're constantly bracing
and you're never breathing.
You're holding your breath orthere's not enough tension
(33:40):
breathing.
You're holding your breath orthere's not enough tension,
there's not enough strength.
You feel weak and you feelpowerless and you don't feel
your backbone.
You feel like there's notenough tension, there's not
enough strength, there's notenough mobility.
You feel like a little wobblynoodle.
You don't feel the rigidity ofyour bones and your muscle.
There's this movement betweenthe rigid and the strength and
(34:04):
the fight and the flight, andthen there's also this flow and
ease and slowdown.
It's this healthy relationshipto.
I have this masculine, healthyenergy in me and I also have
this feminine, and it's not thatI'm ever in the polar opposites
, it's that I know when and howto move between the two.
(34:24):
I know how to have a healthy,right response to what's
happening right in this moment.
I am in leadership andconnection and awareness to who
I am and where I am and what I'mdoing.
I can feel my leadership, I canfeel my agency, I can feel what
I'm doing and what I'm notdoing.
When women move into this, theybecome in such deep self-trust
(34:49):
that I have watched them have somuch capacity for things that
would have thrown them intomassive dysregulation.
Because, again, it's not yourwindow of tolerance, isn't this?
Oh, if I'm regulated, I'llnever have activation, I'll
never have dysregulation.
(35:10):
I can tolerate having massiveamounts of energy and emotion
and struggle or conflict orboundary violations or triggers
or conflict with someone else oreven within myself, but I know
how to hold it, I know how tomeet it, I know how to match it
with the proper response.
(35:30):
I know how much to move towardsor away from.
I can stay centered and rootedin who I am, into my values,
into who I'm becoming, into whatmatters to me.
I can stay centered and rootedin who I am, into my values,
into who I'm becoming, into whatmatters to me.
I can make decisions and wedidn't in this podcast, we
didn't even get into therelational dynamics, especially
(35:52):
of parenting that your kidsmight have a very different
nervous system response than youdo.
Their dysregulation mightmirror your own.
And let me tell you, when youcreate more capacity for your
dysregulation, for your emotions, that will help you not fear
(36:12):
your kids.
Whatever you build capacity forin yourself, you will build
capacity for your partner, foryour kids, for your business,
for your clients.
The greatest, I truly believethat one of the greatest skills
you can have as a leader is thisemotional nervous system
(36:32):
regulation.
You need to have the strongestnervous system in the room, the
strongest but also the mostflexible, the one that can move
between rigidity and flexibility, softness and hardness.
You know how and when and whereto meet things with more
pressure or less.
You know how to use your gasand your brakes because you've
(36:54):
felt that You've leaned intoyour edges of high and low and
medium health.
You know how to mobilize andmove and metabolize all of that
energy of being human.
So I really hope that today'spodcast, this was a lot of
information.
(37:15):
So just take a big, deep breathwith me.
Think of one small doablemiracle of this.
This could be the smallestpiece of just noticing
throughout your day.
Maybe it's your marriage whereyou're struggling most, maybe
(37:35):
it's in your motherhood, maybeit's with business, maybe it's
your own inner healing.
Start noticing what is the waythat I get dysregulated.
What is the movement of it?
Is it towards and against?
Is it away from?
Is it soft?
Is it a fist?
Is it a fawning?
Is it a running away?
(37:56):
Is it a shutting down?
What does that feel like?
What are the signs and thesymptoms and the emotions and
the sensations that I get in mybody that tell me that I'm
losing my presence, that I'mlosing my agency?
What are the yellow and orangeflags and what are the red flags
where I can see?
Oh my gosh, I am a dysregulatedtoddler right now.
I am a toddler throwing atantrum and this response is
(38:20):
over or under, reacting to thereality.
How can I go co-regulate?
Can I go get a drink a hotdrink, a cold drink?
Can I go for a walk?
Can I put on music?
Can I go put myself in atimeout, not as a punishment,
not as I've done something bad,but like I need a minute.
I need to go cry.
(38:40):
I need to go wrap myself in aweighted blanket, I need to go
hail Mary, text my friend, Ineed to go call my sister.
What do you need when you're inthat state where you're losing
yourself, you feel lost to theconflict, you feel lost to the
trigger, where your nervoussystem in your body is taking
(39:01):
over and you don't feel likeyourself.
You don't feel like you, youdon't feel like you're
responding appropriately how youwant to.
You're overeating or overdrinking or overworking, or
you're burnt out.
And here's the hard thing.
A lot of women have been in aglobal state of a functional
(39:21):
trauma response for so long.
You don't even know what itfeels like to be outside of that
.
And that is a lot of the workthat we do in coaching is
reconnecting your relationshipto your body, to your soma, to
your soul, to the animal bodythat is remembering patterns,
(39:42):
and we update those patterns.
We notice them, we name them,we witness the subtleties and
then we update them, we maturethem.
If you want some more support inthis nervous system, regulation
and understanding the way thatyou respond to conflict, the way
(40:03):
that you have these deeplyingrained patterns, and not just
seeking back for why or findingwho's responsible, but truly
just seeing what is my posture,what is my movement, what is my
mobility and how do we bringmore health?
Maybe you need a little bitmore rigidity, maybe you need a
little bit more flow, you need alittle bit more softness.
(40:26):
You need to be able to unbraceand unclench.
You need to be able to unclenchyour fists and your jaw and you
want to just be able to breatheand sink into life a little bit
more.
Or maybe you need a more sturdy, solid backbone.
You need to be able to accessyour muscle.
You need to be able to hit thatgas a little harder.
(40:47):
Or you need to find somewhere.
You live in those extremes, thislike you live in the hyper or
the hypo, and you want to findthat happy balance, that happy
medium where you can go fast butyou can also go slow, and you
can also find this medium placewhere there is health and calm
and an appropriate pace, whereyou feel present, you're not
(41:09):
going too fast or you're notgoing too slow, it's not too
much or too little.
You're not under or overresponding, you're responding
appropriately and you'reconnected.
You're connected to yourselfand you're connected to your
kids and your partner.
You're connected to your work.
You feel like you're in theroom.
You feel like you're in theroom, you feel like you're all
(41:31):
there, you feel your aliveness,but you get out of that cycle of
feeling everything all at onceto the point where it's like you
feel like you're being flooded,or you feel nothing, where
you're like it's too much andnot enough at the same time.
Or it's this you feel lifeless,you feel frozen, you feel numb,
(41:52):
you feel like you're floatingabove your life.
These are all things that arehappening in your body.
It's happening in your soma,your soul, and so if you want
help and support with that, Iwould love to work with you.
I have a few spots open forone-on-one in the fall.
I also have a private podcastwhere you can listen to more
(42:16):
deep dives into somatic healing,more tools, more workbooks.
It's a very easy, accessible,low cost way to be able to dive
into the somatic work,especially if you're someone who
, just like you just want to DIYit right now.
You just want to learn more andsoak it in.
Or maybe you're a practitioneror a therapist or coach who
(42:37):
wants to be able to reallyintegrate and learn more
language about somatics.
I have that private podcastavailable.
It also has some breath work,some guided somatic sessions.
Eventually it's going to havesome somatic movement.
I have not figured out a goodway to video it.
Every time I have tried tovideo the movement it's like the
(42:57):
worst.
I need to find someone to helpme, because I'm not in
perfectionism anymore but I dowant things to be quality and
for them to like feel like areally good experience.
So eventually there will bethose.
But right now it's just aprivate podcast and it's really
a powerful place, but it's alsoreally easily accessible.
So those are just two differentways that I can help you and
(43:19):
support you.
But again, if you loved this,definitely go check out in the
show notes.
I have some of those workbooksthat will really help give you
visuals.
There's also, if you look back,there's two of those
previousbooks that will reallyhelp give you visuals.
There's also, if you look back,there's two of those previous
podcasts on somatics.
And let me know.
I would love, absolutely love,to hear from you.
(43:39):
What was your aha moment?
What did you notice in thispodcast?
What questions do you have?
Where are you noticing yourfight, your fight, your freeze,
your fawn?
What resonated with you?
I love hearing from you guys.
I love hearing your questions,your aha moments.
If you loved this podcast, willyou take a moment and follow
(44:03):
along?
That way, you get all of thenew podcasts sent straight to
your podcast app and leave aquick review.
It only takes a minute or twoto leave a review, but this
really helps the podcast.
It helps me help more moms andif you have a friend who would
love this, share the episode,share it on social media and tag
me so I can thank you and sendme a DM.
(44:24):
That's why I do this is tosupport you and help you.
I think so many people are sohyper focused on what moms do.
My heart is to always be aspace and a place where we focus
about who you are and how itfeels to be you, and what your
motherhood looks and feels like,and how you're moving through
(44:47):
life and your pace and yourheart and your healing and your
nervous system.
And, yeah, I want to give youlanguage and I want you to feel
seen and heard, but I also wantto give you tangible, realistic
tools that help you, because Ithink so often we hear either
the super positive of likeeverything's great and pretty
(45:08):
and perfect, or thiseverything's awful and pretty
and perfect, or thiseverything's awful and we hate
motherhood.
And you know, I personally livesomewhere in this weird messy
middle where it's like I havethis beautiful, wonderful life
that I love and also it's hardsometimes.
And healing for me, regulationfor me.
That shit was hard.
I had complex PTSD.
(45:30):
I had massive amounts of sexualtrauma and trauma in
relationships that impacted me.
The waves of that impacthappened long after it ended.
It wasn't just what I survived,it was how I survived, kept me
stuck, it kept me frozen, itkept me feeling and acting and
(45:55):
relating in ways that didn'tfeel like me, like I didn't know
who I was outside of thosetrauma responses I didn't know.
Oh my gosh, like I think backto my marriage, I think back to
my like early motherhood of.
I was so frozen, I was so stuckin fawning and people pleasing
and I was so numb, and yet Idon't think anyone knew I really
(46:19):
, truly.
I mean maybe some people closeto me somewhat saw, but I was so
good at the functional, atbeing a high functioner, where
the worse internally I feltsometimes, the better I showed
up externally, the morecontrolled and the more I looked
put together.
(46:40):
And even when I was so burntout, even when I was so
exhausted, I was still going andI was still happy and grateful.
I truly was.
I was still so grateful and Iloved my life.
And so there was this dichotomywhere I feel like I didn't know
who or how to talk about it.
I didn't have the language thatI have now, especially of
(47:01):
somatics, of how I could befeeling and experiencing
something that didn'tnecessarily reflect externally
that I could be doing the rightthings and going through the
right motions, but that didn'tfeel right, that I could feel so
, so stuck and paralyzed andalone, even when I was
(47:21):
surrounded.
And so, anyways, I hope today'sepisode helped you, I hope it
encouraged you and take some big, deep breaths.
Go listen to some good music,go move your body.
Moving your body is such anamazing way to mobilize energy.
(47:42):
We're going to talk about thaton a future podcast.
I'm not going to go off thattangent because I need to end
this podcast, but I hope youhave a great day and I'll see
you next time.
Thanks for joining me on today'sepisode of the motherhood
mentor podcast.
Make sure you have subscribedbelow so that you see all of the
(48:03):
upcoming podcasts that arecoming soon.
I hope you take today's episodeand you take one aha moment,
one small, tangible piece ofwork that you can bring into
your life.
To get your hands a littledirty, to get your skin in the
game.
Don't forget to take upaudacious space in your life.
If this podcast moved you, ifit inspired you, if it
(48:25):
encouraged you, please do me afavor and leave a review, send
an episode to a friend.
This helps the show gain moretraction.
It helps us to support moremoms, more women, and that's
what we're doing here.
So I hope you have an awesomeday, take really good care of
yourself and I'll see you nexttime.
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