The Power of Pivoting: How motherhood transforms your identity and sense of self with Monica Ortega

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Motherhood creates one of life's biggest pivots, fundamentally shifting how we see ourselves and approach life's challenges and opportunities. Monica Ortega shares her journey from LA actress and travel host to Denver mom of two, illuminating how identity transforms us through major life transitions. 

In this episode we talk about: 

• Comfort zones differ for everyone – for high-achievers, slowing down is often more uncomfortable than facing fears or doing big hard gritty things 

• The "messy middle" of pivoting feels chaotic but offers unique opportunities for growth and self-discovery

• Learning to differentiate between feelings and identity helps prevent emotional spirals

• Creating a "badass letter" listing all your past challenges builds resilience for future pivots

• Perfectionism goes to die in motherhood, entrepreneurship, and marriage – flexibility becomes essential

• You can have ambitious goals while extending your timeline to accommodate new seasons of life

• Distinguishing between guilt stemming from internal values versus external expectations clarifies decision-making

• View "failures" as data collection for better future decisions rather than personal shortcomings

• Remember: you can always change direction – no decision is truly permanent

This episode with Monica was so great. 

You can find her and her book here. 

About Monica: 

Monica Ortega is a professional speaker and emcee, bestselling author, and award-winning travel host. She created the online travel show Monica Goes back in 2014 to inspire others to break out of their comfort zones and go on adventures. Her company Pivoting Productions created over 200 episodes and she has been featured in Thrive Global, Entrepreneur, USA Today's 10Best, and more! Monica emcees at some of the biggest music festivals in the nation and has been seen in over 20 commercials. In 2021, she released the best-selling book The Power of Pivoting - How to Embrace Change and Create a Life You Love. Monica now speaks at events around the world helping to inspire others to face their fears, break out of their comfort zones, and learn to lean into the pivot.

Find her here.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:02):
Welcome to the Motherhood Mentor Podcast.
I'm Becca, a somatic healingpractitioner and a holistic life
coach for moms, and thispodcast is for you.
You can expect honestconversations and incredible
guests that speak to health,healing and growth in every area
of our lives.
This isn't just strategy forwhat we do.
It's support for who we are.
I believe we can be wildlyambitious while still holding

(00:25):
all of our soft and hardhumanity as holy.
I love combining deep innerhealing with strategic systems
and no-nonsense talk about whatthis season is really like.
So grab whatever weird healthbeverage you're currently into
and let's get into it.
Welcome to the MotherhoodMentor Podcast.
I am so excited for today'sepisode because I have my friend

(00:48):
Monica as my guest.
Monica Ortega we met, let's see, two years ago at an Allume
Collective event.
It was like a self, a personalgrowth gala event, and we just
briefly connected and then itwas what like?
Was it right after Christmas?
Was it like?

Speaker 2 (01:07):
early.

Speaker 1 (01:08):
Two months ago maybe Okay, it was early January and
we connected at a like coffeeconnection and I remember you
were just like hey we did thelike.
Hey, how are you Good, how areyou?
And then you were like, how isyour New Year's?
And I like pause and I was like, Am I gonna give her the like
real answer or the like reallyeasy fake one?
And I gave you the like how wasyour New Year's?
And I paused and I was like, amI going to give her the real
answer or the really easy fakeone?
And I gave you the real, morecomplex, and we just instantly

(01:32):
were like, OK, we need to talkmore.

Speaker 2 (01:34):
Let's hang out.
That was it.
I was like deep conversation,let's go.

Speaker 1 (01:37):
I was just like OK, someone who's here to have good,
deep, meaningful conversationsabout life, let's go.
So I'm so excited for thispodcast today.
Will you just introduceyourself?

Speaker 2 (01:48):
Yeah, so well.
Thank you for having me.
Oh man, I feel like I've liveda million lives.
I have been well.
I was in the entertainmentindustry for 20 years, so I was
an actress, a singer and atravel host.
I hosted an online travel showcalled Monica Goes and then, in
2020, I wrote a book called thePower of Pivoting, and that just

(02:10):
kind of sums up everythingsince the book came out so much
pivoting.
Five years ago, I was living inLA, single, as an actress and a
travel host, and now I live inDenver, colorado, married with
two little ones and doing allthe different things.

Speaker 1 (02:25):
Yeah, you were like I'm going to write called Power
to Pivot and then life was likeare you now Challenge accepted,
challenge accepted?
We were talking the other dayabout how you got into doing
like the travel videos and evenjust like putting yourself out
of your comfort zone.

(02:46):
Can you talk about like thatfirst pivot of like what got you
into doing that?

Speaker 2 (02:53):
yeah.
So I was living in LA as anactress and I found myself like
on set, just you know, wonderinglike what time the day would
end, and I was like this isn'tlighting me up like I thought it
would.
And so I started reading thebook you Are a Badass.
And it was like when are youyour best self?
And for me, I'd been emceeingevents like on the side, just

(03:14):
kind of doing random hostingjobs, and I was like that,
that's what I love.
And so I took a hosting class.
She said go out, create yourdream show as a way to get
auditions.
And so it was never reallymeant to be anything.
I went out hiking because I loveto hike, and I started filming
myself and I quickly realizedthat I'm afraid of everything.
So I was like, hey, this is theshow.

(03:36):
Yeah, I was like now I'm justgoing to like cry on every
episode, whitewater rafting andlike all these things.
But as I was doing it, Irealized that, like, on the
other side of that fear was thislike level of resilience and
like confidence that I had neverhad in my life Because I'd been
so afraid to do things, and soI really honed in on it.
I spent 10 years facing fearsin the travel show and then that

(03:58):
kind of became the premise notreally the premise, but a big
part of the book and a big partof like what I talk about now is
using the things that we'reafraid of to push out of those
comfort zones and get to thatlevel of like confidence and
resilience that you can handlethe next scary thing.

Speaker 1 (04:14):
I just I love that, because I think so often and
this has been a theme in my liferecently where, like last
season it was it was all aboutlike comfort, because I was in a
grief season, Like I neededcomfort, I needed ease, and then
I'm starting to feel that shift.
Now, though, of like wait toomuch comfort isn't actually

(04:34):
satisfying right now, Like I'mactually I'm avoiding doing the
good things because they're hardor they're scary or they're
uncomfortable.
What has that looked like inthis season for your life?
Like, where are those likepivots of like wait, I'm
comfortable?
Isn't that a good thing?

Speaker 2 (04:47):
Yeah, this season is totally different.
So I have a four month old anda two year old.
I am working a full time job,but I'm also building up my
business and speaking and allthose things.
Last year, my comfort zonetends to be hustle, it tends to
be work my butt off, have bigdreams, like that's just always

(05:09):
been who I am.
And so stepping into the seasonof motherhood actually was
really hard for me Because, youknow, I always wanted to be a
mom but I also kind of likejudge people that were just a
mom because I was doing thesecrazy things.
And then I became a mom and I'mlike oh one, it's fantastic.
Which go go moms.
Like go, stay at home moms,whatever you want to do.

(05:30):
But it really shifted myperspective of like who am I now
?
And so I spent the first yearpushing and joining every
mastermind and every class andtrying to figure out my next
business and really just burningout, realizing I wasn't
passionate about it.
I wasn't really passionateabout doing the travel show as
much anymore.
And then this season I steppedinto this year.

(05:51):
Going okay, first kid made mecompletely lose my identity.
Second kid I don't know what'sgoing to happen.
So what if I go in just with ablank slate, just with like
curiosity of what's next, andfigure out who I am now?
Because that old me that I waslike trying so desperately to
get back to is gone and therewas like the grief period of,

(06:14):
okay, she's not coming back.
So now what does life look likeas a mom, as an entrepreneur?
All of those things with a lotless hustle.
And this year is all about fun.
My word is like fun because Irealized trying to do all the
things was just burning me out,making me kind of a miserable
wife.
I was like I miss being fun,like I was doing like Tiger King

(06:35):
parody videos and my husbandmet me like oh my god, dude,
like now I need to go search forthose right, I was like doing
stand-up comedy.
I forgot about Tiger King ohdear, oh my gosh, it was a whole
thing.
It was a whole thingquarantining alone, it got weird
yeah, oh my god.
but I kind of lost that and Iwas like, okay, so what if this
year I just have fun?
So literally my vision board islike roller skating and karaoke

(06:58):
and I'm like I'm just gonnaplay and let myself be easy
through the season to figure outwhat the real like balance
feels good to me of motherhoodand entrepreneurship, so giant
pivot of just kind of being easyon myself and seeing whatever's
next.

Speaker 1 (07:16):
Well, and it's such a it's so interesting.
I think a lot of times whenpeople think of being
uncomfortable, they think oflike doing the really hard work.
But for a lot of women it'sactually more uncomfortable,
especially at first, to slowdown or to like create that ease
, or to be easier on themselves,or to prioritize, like fun and

(07:36):
play, as really important, evenwhen it like doesn't immediately
look productive.

Speaker 2 (07:42):
Yeah, my comfort zone is like type a, like let's plan
everything, let's have the biggoals, work it back, put
together the routine.
So it's really difficult for mein this season to just like be,
to just be okay without a plan,be okay just trusting, and like
taking it day by day, um, whichis totally different than like

(08:03):
a comfort zone of you know byday, which is totally different
than like a comfort zone of youknow skydiving.
That feels a lot easier.
Ironically, this is like aweird yeah, pausing is is
definitely out of my comfortzone for me.

Speaker 1 (08:15):
Have you done?
Have you gone skydiving?

Speaker 2 (08:17):
Okay, I have gone skydiving in the most epic way
because I told my best friendwho was my producer I would only
do it if it was somewherebeautiful and something unique.
And we went skydiving into avineyard in Lake Chelan,
washington.
It's the only place that youcan do it in the U?
S.
You literally like slide in anddo the wine as you're like

(08:38):
cruising into the vineyard.
It was amazing.

Speaker 1 (08:40):
Okay, here's the thing.
So I became a mom at like 20.
So like I didn't.
So like I hear, like this lifeyou had and I'm just like what.
So my goal is to likeexperience that life eventually,
or like at least a little bithere in motherhood.
But, like you know, maybe whenmy kids are a little bit older
I'll be calling you up and belike you know, all those cool

(09:01):
badass things you did, I'm ready.
I don't know about skydivingthat might not be on my bucket
list, but like skydiving isactually amazing.

Speaker 2 (09:09):
I'm terrified of heights and like a basic hike
will have me crying, but there'ssomething about skydiving like
you can't, your brain doesn'tregister how high you are and it
feels like floating more thanfalling, which is very bizarre
to me.
But like because you're goingat the same speed as the plane,
it feels almost like you're likefloating.

(09:30):
I don't know, it's a weirdexperience, but yes, I think
it's interesting.
I had kids, obviously at 39 and41, like way older in life, and
I did a lot of stuff before Ihad kids.
But I feel like it flips forpeople who have kids that are
younger.
They get that chance whenthey're, you know, the kids are
out of the house and they'restill youngish and they can go

(09:50):
do all those things where youknow, by the time my kids
graduate, I'm going to be likegoing to a retirement home.

Speaker 1 (09:56):
You are not.
Stop it.
I don't see that for you at all.
But also I just all that to say.
I think there's so much beautyin recognizing how we change and
how we pivot.
I think motherhood is one of thebiggest changes in people's
lives.
I think grief is another one.

(10:17):
Divorce, job changes there'sall these big pivotal moments in
our life.
These big pivotal moments in ourlife, and I think one of the
themes I've talked with a lot ofwomen about lately is just like
they've noticed that like theirparents didn't really
fundamentally change, yes, andlike it's so fascinating that I
think that that hasn't been myexperience.

(10:38):
I watched my parentsfundamentally change as adults
and it was such a gift to mebecause it reminded me that like
I get to keep growing up, I getto keep changing my mind, I get
to keep finding, you know, likeI think of my mom and she's
like just recently getting intothings that like 10 years ago I
don't even think they were likein her line of vision, and now I

(11:01):
see her like and I'm just like,wait, there's so much time and
it just reminds me that likethere was a before motherhood,
there's a during motherhood, butthere's also this like after
season too, that's gonna come,but even then it's just gonna be
us living our lives yeah andthat's what I loved in reading
your book.
When you were talking aboutpivoting, I'm curious, like that

(11:25):
middle place of pivoting where,like you realize, like wait,
this isn't I'm not where I was,but I'm also not like I'm not,
I'm not where I'm trying to goyet yeah, what is like what is
the messy middles?

Speaker 2 (11:40):
I will say I'm in the messy middle right now and I
kind of fall back on when thishas happened in my past and when
I kind of put that piecetogether which for me you know
if you've read the book, a bigpart of it is my divorce all of
a sudden I got to like makethese choices for myself and
decide things.
But so one of the big questionsI always get is how do I know
when to pivot?

(12:00):
And then what do I do when Ifind myself there?
So the when I always saythere's two extremes.
There's like I, I know thisisn't right for me, when I'm not
ready to go yet.
Right, and that's totally fine,because we don't want to live
with regret and then be like,well, maybe I should have given
it longer, or whatever, um.
And then there's like I'm being, I'm getting sick, I'm road

(12:22):
raging, I'm crying, I don't knowwhy, like your body just
physically reacts.
So I would say pivot somewherein the middle.
And then, when you findyourself in the pivot first, I
think the number one thingpeople need to learn to do is
congratulate yourself, likecelebrate the crap out of it
because you are no longer inthis.
Should I stay?
Should I go?

(12:42):
Sometimes things happen to usand we don't even have that
choice.
But yeah, life decides for youright.
Exactly.
But now you're in it and it'sscary and it's awful and it's
uncomfortable, but that is likethe biggest blessing to play and
get to know yourself and likestart taking baby steps to
figure out where you're going togo from here.
So I think the biggest problemwe make is we get in that pivot

(13:06):
and we feel like it's chaoticand it's happening to us and we
don't have a choice.
Instead of going okay, thisthing has happened.
I'm now in this season whetherit's good, bad, uncomfortable,
whatever, now I get to figureout where I'm going to go.
So let's have fun with it.
Let's start pushing out ofthose comfort zones and trying
new things and maybe figure outsome maps for yourself and if

(13:27):
you like it, cool.
And if you don't change.
But you're not stuck inanything.
So I actually kind of love thisweird messy phase, as
uncomfortable as it is.
I keep saying like I can't waitto meet who I'm going to be as
a mom, like I am a mom, but likewho I'm going to be when I like

(13:51):
settle into it and the hormonesget back to normal or
normal-ish, but like I'm soexcited to meet that person,
even though right now I'm inthis season of I'm in the pivot
and it's super uncomfortable andI don't like it at all.
I know I'm going to love itbecause I can look back on that
season post divorce where theemotions were insane but I never
felt more like myself becauseall of a sudden I didn't know
what was next and I kind of gotto make those decisions for

(14:11):
myself.
So looking back on it, I seeall the blessings in that messy
middle, even if it'suncomfortable at the time.

Speaker 1 (14:18):
Yeah, I love what you're saying because it's not
this like oh, things are prettyhere, things feel really good
here.
But one of the things I caught,you know, I was in the season
this last winter where like shitgot shaken up deeply internally
and on the surface everythinglooked normal, like the pivots
for me weren't happeningexternally.

(14:39):
It wasn't like jobs weren'tchanging, marriages weren't
changing, like nothing really onthe outside was changing.
But internally I felt thesefundamental shifts and breaks
happening and I just keptreminding myself all I have to
do is not panic, literally.
There were some days where Icould feel myself start to

(15:01):
spiral of like, oh, I'mrepressing or I'm going
backwards, or this is like a badthing.
And then I just had to likeokay, one, don't panic.
Two, don't spiral in this,don't like get into this place
where I'm just overthinking andmaking meaning out of things
instead of just accepting themas they are, telling myself the

(15:24):
truth about the discomfort orthe hard parts and then also
feeling that ownership andagency Like I really heard that
in what you said of like howwe're in those messy seasons,
those messy middles wherethere's this pivot either that
life gave us or that like we aresomewhat choosing, or it's
somewhere weird in the middle.

(15:45):
I heard you say, like there'sthis acceptance in it and
there's this where is yourchoice and your agency and what
is your perspective?
And especially the perspectiveof this isn't the first time
this has happened to you, but Ithink a lot of people forget to
bring our good lessons from thepast with us into the present.

(16:08):
I feel like we're so good atbringing our old bullshit back.
We're like, oh I, like we bringall of our like.
We bring out this big record ofall the times we've done wrong.
We forget that giant record oflike you've had big pivots
before.
You've had the rug pulled outof under you before.
What did you do then?
What do you remember?

(16:29):
What do you know?
So I'm curious like what aresome of those tangible things
that people can remember whenthey're in that like messy,
spiraling, like what, what thehell is happening?
Pivot moments?

Speaker 2 (16:41):
So two things when I start to spiral, the number one
thing for me, like mental healthwise and I always say I'm not
an expert, but like just thingsI've done for myself is to try
to prevent that spiral.
Right, you start to feel itcoming.
Disprove the lie, disprovewhatever your brain is telling
you.
So if my brain is saying I'mnot successful, I will write out

(17:04):
all the reasons I've beensuccessful in the past.
Or I'll call a friend and I'llsay I don't.
My brain is telling me not, Iam.
My brain is telling me I'm notsuccessful.
Is this true?
And if not, give me proof.
And then she can usually pullme out and go well, here's X, Y
and Z that you've done, thatmade you successful.
Or, like a guy doesn't call youback, you go down that spiral

(17:25):
of all the things that you didwrong.
All the only truth is he didn'tcall you back.
Everything else is made up.
So we have to get to likewhat's the actual truth and try
to prevent that spiral.
The other thing that I love todo is write a bad-ass letter,
and I will do this in a fewdifferent ways.
One you can just bullet, pointout everything you've ever done.

(17:45):
That's scary, that's hard, thatyou've made it through, because
we don't often keep stock ofthat and I think we feel like,
oh, it has to be.
I won an award or I did thisreally giant thing I became a
mom.
Those are amazing and theyshould go on the list.
But, like, have you ever been ona date?
That is scary?

(18:10):
Like, have you ever gone tolunch by yourself?
Like any little tiny thing thathas pushed you out of your
comfort zone?
Write it down so that when youhave those moments of feeling
like I cannot handle this thingthat's happening to me, you can
look at that and go I have madeit through all of these things.
I know I can make it throughthis and I'll do it in small
ways.
You know, when I was single, Iwould write myself a letter Like
, if a guy broke up with me, I'dbe like dear Monica, you are a
badass.

(18:31):
That guy is an idiot.
Here's why you're amazing, youknow, and you build yourself up.
You tuck it away so that whenyou have those days of doubt,
you have something there to kindof bring you back to a place of
confidence.
So, I'm super type A.
I like having toolkits and allthe things in place to like get
myself mentally in a betterplace.
And sometimes you just have tobe in the crap and like feel

(18:52):
crappy.
And you don't always have tolike I gotta pull myself out and
be positive, but it's stillgood to have those things
because you don't want to stayin the crap either.

Speaker 1 (19:02):
But I think what's important is you're
differentiating between likefeeling like crap and being crap
.
I think that's that's huge inthe mental health world.
That people don't talk about isthat, like, you are allowed to
talk back to your brain, you,you have a lot of agency and
choice when it comes to themental emotional patterns and

(19:23):
spirals, and I think a lot ofpeople have never learned how to
interrupt them.
They feel like they're justit's just happening to you,
versus understanding that, like,when you have these thoughts or
these feelings, these emotionalspirals that are happening, you
are allowed to interrupt them,and you can interrupt them with

(19:44):
sarcasm, you can interrupt themwith friendship, you can
interrupt them with thosethought patterns that you were
talking about, and I thinkwhat's healthy, though, too, is
you're differentiating betweenI'm having an experience and
this is me, yeah, this isactually true Like that.

Speaker 2 (20:04):
Is this actually true ?
Because nine times out of 10,you're going to have proof that
it's actually not true.
It's just how you're feelingand that's totally fine, but
like you can't let that feelingbecome your identity.

Speaker 1 (20:15):
Which I really think our culture has done a
disservice to everyone.
But and I think this isespecially true in women there
is this big narrative of likeyour emotions are valid, your,
your emotions are true and real.
And it's like, yes, youremotions are important, but,
like your emotions are often notbased on reality.

(20:36):
And that doesn't mean wegaslight ourselves out of our
emotions, but there's there'sthis healthy medium where it's
like we need to be able to becompassionate with what we're
feeling and we also need to beable to understand when they're
not based off of reality andfact.
They're based off of aperception or a story or a

(20:57):
belief, or like a past thingthat happened.
That like isn't true in thismoment, but it's become this
like deeply ingrained belief.
And I say that because I thinkthere's there's so many women
who are like scared of emotionalwork because they're like, oh,
becca's going to make me feel myfeelings, and it's like, yes,
and Becca's going to help youunderstand when your feelings

(21:18):
aren't based in reality andyou're not responding to like
what's actually happening.
And how do you feel what'sgoing on right now?
How do you understand when yourfeelings aren't are valid and
you need to be able to feel themand name them and have
compassion.
And also sometimes you needboundaries with your feelings,

(21:39):
like, just like our little kids,I I love my kids and I really
want to nurture and becompassionate with their
feelings.
And also sometimes theirfeelings need boundaries and
logic and like is this amountain or a molehill?
We can do that to ourselves,but I don't think those are
skills that many people havelearned, especially even really
really smart, healthy, happyadults.

(22:00):
We just didn't learn thoseskills of spiraling and not
spiraling.
So I love I love those liketactile, tangible ways to
support them.

Speaker 2 (22:10):
I will also.
So I've experienced just verysmall bouts, but bouts of
depression, bouts of anxiety Ithink most people if you're
human, you probably have.
I started building out atoolkit for those, and what I
mean is I will write down thingsthat I know has worked in the
past to pull me out of thosesituations and I don't get to
stay in any of them too long.

(22:31):
So like if my depressiontoolkit maybe one thing I write
is stay in bed and cry and justwatch happy movies and feel like
crap, but the next day I haveto choose something else off
that list, like call a friend orum, you know, take myself out
to lunch, whatever these thingsthat I have on my list, I can't
stay in just one.

(22:52):
So, yes, I can pick that oneand maybe stay in it for a day
or two, but you can't like stay.
All right, now we got to switchit up.
Let's try something else.
If I'm anxious, all right, I'mgoing to go for a run and burn
that off.
Okay, that's not helping.
Maybe I'll write out how I feel.
But it's this like trial anderror to get yourself out of
that spiral, because that's likeyou have to catch it at the

(23:12):
beginning.
If you let it go, that's whenit can get really dangerous and
we can really get attached tothose feelings as our worth.

Speaker 1 (23:19):
Well, and that what you just shared is so powerful,
because I think our culture isobsessed with self-care that
feels good and it's like, yeah,that's all good and great, but
like if you're, if you're onlydoing what you want and what
feels good, that's not healthyrelationship.
And I think motherhood, ifanything, makes this very, very
obvious.
Because if you think of yourkids, your motherhood can't just

(23:41):
be soft and sweet in yournurturing, giving your kid what
they want.
It also has to be giving yourkid what they need when they
don't want it.
Wouldn't it make sense thatself-care is the same for us,
that sometimes taking care ofourselves means doing things
that in the moment we don't wantto do them because we know it
will benefit us, that it willhelp us?
So it's like we need thatferocious mother for ourselves.

(24:05):
And I think, and that's see thislike it gets me on fire because
I think so many women, theyknow that for their babies, they
know it for their businessesand I'm like okay, therefore you
know it for yourself, you justapply.
If I was making this decisionfor my daughter, what?

Speaker 2 (24:22):
would I choose.

Speaker 1 (24:24):
What would I do?
What would I tell her to do?

Speaker 2 (24:29):
And then you make yourself do that.
I've done like the treatyourself as a best friend.
But I love the idea of being amother to yourself, because I
don't.
I didn't really get what thatwas until I became a mom.
And you know, at the beginningthey're babies and you just have
to keep them alive.
And then they grow up andyou're like, oh, I have to make
sure you don't turn into anasshole and I actually have to,
like you know, work with you onstuff.

Speaker 1 (24:51):
They turn into this teenager, and I mean, being a
mother has been the greatestgift, not only in like that I
get to love my kids, but it has.
It has fundamentally shiftedthe way that I understand and
see myself.
It has pivoted the way that Itake care of myself, because I
can.

(25:11):
I am the best at bullshittingmyself Right, and the more
therapy I do, the more coachingI do, the better I get at it
Like I'm.
I'm I am phenomenal atbullshitting myself and I don't
like I'm saying that cutely andlike.
Sometimes it's like funny things, but like sometimes like it's
actually not great, because I'mreally, really good at high

(25:32):
functioning over my needs andpretending I don't have hard
emotions and like I'm reallygood at sweeping things under
the rug of good and grateful.
But where, where the linealways gets drawn for me is,
I'll be like Becca, would youfeed the way, would you feed
your daughter the way you feedyourself?
Becca, if she, if she, wasfeeling the way you were feeling

(25:54):
, would you talk to her that way?
And and that instantly.
It like it every single time.
It never fails me to be like no, no.
Or when I'm struggling with myhusband, I'll be like oh, how
would I talk to my son?
Because we're all just humanshaving a human experience, and

(26:17):
it's like motherhood, that loveof a mother.
It's like sometimes it needs tobe soft and gentle and
nurturing and sometimes it needsto be hard on them, sometimes
it needs to tell them truthsthey don't want to hear,
sometimes it needs to preparethem for things that, like, I
don't want them to experiencebut they're going to anyways,
and that has been massive.
But I think I think we are sold,especially as mothers, and then

(26:39):
also in the entrepreneur world.
I think there's this like pinkwashing that happens I don't
sometimes that term just likeeasily describes it where I feel
like we're given these likecute soft tools for really hard
fucked up things.
Right, like you're on theroller coaster of emotions and
entrepreneurship and people arelike have you tried being

(27:01):
positive?
And I'm like, have you tried agratitude list?
Like, yes, I have.
I've tried being grateful, I'vebeen grateful all my life and
like that doesn't actually helpme, like that doesn't.
Like gratitude is a powerfulskill, do not get me wrong.
It's like it's a tangiblepowerful thing and like we need
more than that on some days.
Right, like we need some moredepth.

Speaker 2 (27:23):
This actually gets me really excited because you know
how I said, I'm really excitedto meet the person I'm going to
become as a mom.
And you telling me that is likeI can take that and I can not
only like raise good humans butraise myself better than I have
in the past, because it's onething to like be a girl boss or
be the best friend, but it'stotally different as a mom.

(27:46):
So thank you for that, likeI'll be really excited for that
season.

Speaker 1 (27:50):
And I do think the friend thing is helpful, you
know, because there's somecircumstances that, like I, you
know, I just fundamentally can'tpicture my kids in yet because
they're too little.
So the friend thing is helpful,but, like you have less control
over a friend than you doyourself, you have less input
and influence in a friend's lifethan you do in your own.
And so I think that motherhoodis an interesting one because it

(28:13):
brings back this element ofresponsibility right.
Like what am I actuallyresponsible for?
And I think a lot of women aretaking over responsibility for
their lives, like they are hypercontrolling and manipulating
every little area of lifebecause they don't trust
themselves, and I'm like that'salso not a healthy, right
relationship with yourself,that's the reason I'm fighting

(28:34):
it is because every part of mewants to be type A and plan
everything.

Speaker 2 (28:40):
And then, you know, the kids get up and the day gets
behind and chaos happens andI'm realizing like the way I've
done it in the past doesn'tactually work and I don't want
it to.
I don't want to try to hypercontrol everything in my life as
a mom.
So it really is that steppingback and being like what is it
like if I have a loose plan?
But then we learn to pivot onthe daily, not just in the big

(29:03):
things in life, but like thingshappen and we have to quickly
make shifts.
What does that look like?

Speaker 1 (29:10):
It's, it's so good and I think you're so right of.
It becomes a more.
It's not that you don't havestructures, and it's not that
you don't have systems, and it'snot that you don't have some
level of control.
It's that it renegotiates whatthat looks like, I think.
I think motherhood andentrepreneurship are very
similar in this.
I also think marriage couldprobably go in there too, where
you start realizing it doesn'tmatter how perfectly I do this,

(29:34):
I don't always get the outcome Iwanted.
I feel like I feel like this iswhere perfectionism goes to die
is motherhood and marriage andentrepreneurship especially if
we got the three of them allgoing on at the same time is
like I tried.
I think a lot of women tried,and, like a lot of women look

(29:56):
successful at it, like it lookspretty perfect.
What's interesting, though, islike so many of those women,
they end up burning out becausethey get so good at rigidity
that they have.
They have to build up thisdisassociation of self.
It's like going through themotions of doing all of the

(30:19):
right things, but none of itfeels the same.
None of it feels great, andit's like that's not what anyone
really wants.
But I think a lot of women findthemselves there, and so I think
, allowing perfectionism to diewithout the ambition dying,
renegotiating and the pivotingof like, yes, you can still do

(30:41):
this, it's just going to lookdifferent and it might feel
different.
And your consistency, it's notgoing to be 90 every day.
It's going to be 81 day and 10the next or this week.
It's 40 all week.
But, like, anything worth doingwell is also worth doing
half-ass.
And then also, sometimes, whenyou're doing it half-ass, you
have to be like, okay, is thisme being compassionate with

(31:03):
myself, or is this me avoidingthe hard work that I'm capable
of doing?
But all of that comes fromrelationship to yourself.

Speaker 2 (31:11):
Yeah and I think you know that was last year for me
was feeling like I neededcontrol and I needed to get back
to this person that I knew, whowas in hustle mode, and so that
looked like joining everyprogram, every coaching, every
mastermind, going to every eventbecause I thought that would
give me the answer.
That's the control is going tothese outward things and then

(31:34):
realizing I actually had to goinward and be like maybe I don't
want to do those things anymoreand that's okay, or maybe it's
going to look totally different.
I always say, like I still havethese big goals, but now,
instead of like, one of thethings I hate is when people are
like collapse the timeline,collapse the timeline, do it in
less time, do it in a year, andI'm like that is not.
That doesn't feel good to me inthis season, because doing that

(31:58):
means I'm giving up somethingelse of being a mom, being
present, like my marriage,whatever it may be.
So maybe it looks like extendingthat timeline and going I can
still have these big goals anddo these things, but maybe it
happens in five years or maybeit happens in 10 years, like,
maybe it happens in 50.
Like I don't know, I probablywon't live to 50, maybe, but

(32:20):
maybe 30 years.
But I'm just saying, like Ithink we have this, this image
that we have to have it figuredout now, and especially in
motherhood, because so muchchanges at least at the very
beginning, at least it did forme that that is the time to,
like, give yourself the grace tofigure it out and have some
sort of structure, but like,like you have to let the

(32:40):
perfectionist thing go becauseeverything around you is chaotic
.

Speaker 1 (32:47):
Man, I just I felt, I felt the relief in my body when
you're talking about expandingthe timeline, because I think I
mean it's wild the messaging ofwe can have it all and we can
have it all right now and we canbe so present, and it's like I
do think there are many womenwho have that and that's real

(33:10):
for them.
But the the experience I seemuch more often and common is
like I can have it all, but itrequires me to move at a pace
where I'm missing it all at thesame time.
Exactly, and I think it is sohard for women because already
there is a grief when you'reputting your business on the

(33:32):
back burner, right, I think oflike I've worked with a lot of
women who they already had big,successful careers, they already
had success in business thatI've never reached yet, and
they're having the hardest timeputting these things on the back
burner while saying this mykids need me, my family needs me
and I can go 90, but I don'twant to anymore because when I'm

(33:54):
going that fast I'm missing it,and sure, there's all of these
different ways that you canbuild business.
That changes it sometimes, butit depends what industry you're
in.
It depends, and so it's likeit's so hard when we create this
singular dream of what successlooks like and feels like.
But we're being sold itconstantly and I'm someone who,

(34:18):
like I think of these women Iwork with.
They're very smart, they'revery emotionally intelligent as
well, and I think weunconsciously buy into these
things that we're seeing becauseour animal bodies are going
this is what culture is doing,this is what you are capable of.
When individually in women'slives, they're going like I

(34:41):
don't know if I can do that, orI don't know if I want to, or my
season or my capacity, or likemy marriage or my home or my
motherhood or my business, it'slike that's so much, that's so
much.
And it's such a relief to havethese conversations where we say
, like can you have it all?
Some people can, some peoplewant to, some people are set up
for that, and then like alsothere's a reality that, like
some people can, some peoplewant to, some people are set up

(35:02):
for that, and then like alsothere's a reality that, like,
some people don't want to orthey don't, they're not willing
to pay the cost of it, becausehaving it and holding all of it,
even if it's really good stuff.
It's a lot, it's a lot.

Speaker 2 (35:16):
I think I always say you can't have it all.
You just can't have it all atonce.
Um, and one of the hardestthings for me, my limiting
belief my whole life was I get afamily or I get a career,
especially in the entertainmentindustry, and so I was always
pushing for one or the other.
So becoming a mom was like well, I guess there goes my success.

(35:39):
And at the same time COVID washappening, I lost my travel show
, like all the things, and sothere was a lot of grief in that
, and I also realized I attachedmyself to the title to what I
was doing, became who I was If Iwasn't on TV and people weren't
going oh my God, I saw you on acommercial.
I saw this, I watched that.

(36:00):
I felt like I was not lovable.
I felt like I had no worth.
My whole worth was wrapped upinto being a quote unquote
celebrity.
I wasn't a celebrity but I'msaying like that goal, that
notoriety, I guess, Um, and sothat was a huge shift.
When I became a mom.
It's like, well, who am I ifI'm not doing these really cool

(36:20):
things that people look at mefor?
And then, you know, peoplewould say, oh, bring your kids,
do a travel show with kids.
There is not like that soundedgod awful to me.
We went to Europe with my twoyear old.
He was 18 months at the time.
I think I have two photos fromthat trip because no part of me
wanted a photo or wanted to stopand film and do things.

(36:42):
Like it was either chaotic in abad way or chaotic in the most
wonderful way, but like no partof me wanted to make that, my
career really shot.
Shocking for me because Ithought, oh, I'll have kids and
then we'll do the travel show,it'll keep going and it was
really jarring to wake up and gookay.

Speaker 1 (36:58):
I don't want to do that.

Speaker 2 (36:59):
So if I don't want to do that, and that's what I've
identified myself as.
So if I don't want to do thatand that's what I've identified
myself as, then what's left?
And you know, spending a fullyear of like, pushing at that
and then being like what if Idon't want that, and what if it
takes me five years to figureout what I actually want?
But, god forbid, I actually endup very happy having it all,
just not all at the same time.

Speaker 1 (37:21):
Yeah Well, and I think that, like that
renegotiating and that pivoting,there's so much permission
there of like you don't have tobe set in one thing, and even
just identity of you know, I canthink of five years ago or 10
years ago it's like identityshifts.

Speaker 2 (37:43):
And you can always go back to.
This is the thing I learned.
Like I moved to Nashville tobecome a singer and I ended up
getting acting work and I waslike, oh, I guess I'm done
singing, I guess music's out ofmy life forever.
And then I moved to LA tobecome an actress and I joined a
band, like it.
Just, you can always go back.
So maybe you become a mom andthere's like a season of slowing
things down and then, fiveyears from now, I'm like you

(38:05):
know what A travel show sounds?
Great, let's do it again.
You know, I think we have thisconception, that this
misconception that once we makea decision, it's permanent,
that's our life.
Everything behind it is gone.
Like no, we can always pivotand change.
You have to go with like whatfeels good in the moment not all
the time Cause, like you said,responsibilities but like what

(38:26):
direction feels right at thetime and trust that anything in
the back, if it's meant to comeback and you still miss it and
you still love it, you can dothat too.
I I'm really tired of thatnarrative of like you make a
decision and then everythingelse is gone.
You've made that call, that'sit from here on out and then
everything else is gone.
You've made that call, that'sit from here on out.

Speaker 1 (38:44):
Yeah, which is which is so, so important, because I
think so often we feel stuckwhen we're not, and I think a
lot of women they don't.
They don't deeply trustthemselves to make decisions
because we've put so muchpressure on.
There is one right decision,there's a right way for you to
choose this.
And I know it sounds like thesilliest little example, but I
remember when we were looking atschools for my daughter and it

(39:07):
felt like the biggest decisionever.
There was so much pressure onlike where do we send her?
Do we like enroll her here?
Do we homeschool?
There was like all these and itfelt so heavy and I never
forget realizing if it doesn'twork, we can change her school.
Like literally this, like lightbulb of like if it doesn't work

(39:29):
, we can change our mind.
And I think so many womenthey're trying to build
self-trust in I always make theright decision.
And it's like I trust people whofrequently mess up, but then
when they do mess up, frequentlymess up, but then when they do
mess up, they mess up for theright reasons or they, they,
they choose something thatseemed really right and it was

(39:50):
really good, and then when itchanges, they tell me that
they've changed their mind,they've grown, they've adapted.
They've said, like this isn'twhat I want anymore.
And it's like I trust thosepeople more.
I trust the women who tell meno, or who hey, or who hey, we
have a dinner next week.
Okay, I've changed my mind.
When I scheduled this, itworked, but like now it doesn't.

(40:11):
It's like I trust that morethan someone who doubles down
and is like I made this rightdecision and it's a good thing.
And it's like trusting yourselfis not I'm damned if I do,
damned if I don't.
I need to make the rightdecision.
Like trusting yourself is notI'm damned if I do, damned if I
don't.
I need to make the rightdecision.
It's am I making the decisionfor reasons I like Exactly, and
then trusting myself enough that, like future Becca, whatever

(40:34):
that looks like she can changeher mind, she can go a different
direction, she can backpedal,like there are some decisions
that are really really big, butthe reality is is like you're
making a decision by notchoosing to.
You're making a decision by by,by staying, and I think that's
really powerful too.
When we're talking aboutpivoting, I used to be someone

(40:57):
who would just avoid thedecision-making.
But I think what was reallypowerful is when I realized that
, like, staying was a choice.
It brought me back intorealizing I'm not trapped here,
I'm choosing to stay here.
And that realization is whatgave me the power to stay in a
different way, to stay in a newI'm going to do this differently

(41:20):
because now I'm not just doingit because I should or because I
have to, or because I'm trapped.
I'm staying because, like, I'mchoosing this, yeah.

Speaker 2 (41:29):
How am I going?

Speaker 1 (41:29):
to stay.

Speaker 2 (41:30):
It comes down to like , like you said, your intentions
are your intentions, that I'mdoing the best with what I have
and what I know, I'm going inthe direction that feels good,
because all of the evidence Ihave is telling me that this is
the right way to go.
And then, yes, being able topivot, being able to change,
because, like I said, the worstpart is that, should I stay,

(41:51):
should I go, and you stay toolong, like you said, you double
down on it.
This was me last year doublingdown.
I'm going to join everything,I'm going to force this even
though it doesn't feel good.
And then, yeah, I'm road raging, I'm crying, I'm getting sick
because your body startsrejecting it going.
This is not the right way, andthe longer we stay in that, the
more we do damage to ourselves.
And so I always say pivoting islike a muscle, and the better

(42:14):
we get at it, the more we putthese tools in place, the faster
we get at making thosedecisions, the faster we get at
recognizing okay, now I'm atthat point where this doesn't
feel good anymore.
I got to shift.
Oh, I shifted too soon.
I can go back.
Okay, now I'm ready, I shiftagain.
But like being able to makethose decisions faster and
faster is what's going to helpyou get in the direction you

(42:36):
want to go sooner.
And it's not a speed thingbecause, like I said, we do need
to kind of expand the timelinesometimes but it in terms of
like what's feeling good.
Most of the time we're alwaysgoing in the direction that
actually we want to be going in.
That might change tomorrow, andthen we're going in a direction
that feels good for that day.
But, like you have to kind oftake those cues before you get

(42:59):
to the point of like I'mdoubling down, I'm miserable in
this, but I committed to it, soI'm stuck in it.
I remember, you know, when I gotdepressed I was actually it was
my freshman year in college andI was miserable at the school,
absolutely miserable, and I feltlike I was, for I made this
decision it's the college I'mgoing to graduate from.
I have to be here for years andI ended up leaving.

(43:20):
And then, years later, when Iwent to move to Nashville, I was
telling my dad I said, you knowwhat if it's like Chicago?
What if I get there and I justend up really, really depressed
and I hate it and he goes well,then you change, then you leave,
and I was like I can Like it'sthat simple and I think that

(43:40):
totally shifted my perspective,that yes, if something doesn't
feel good, you.

Speaker 1 (43:47):
Yeah, I'm curious.
Okay, so you're we were.
We were just talking about likethe things that we doubled down
on and like working so hard andI'm thinking, okay, I'm just
going to share, Does that work?
Let's get into it.
My retreat I don't even know ifI've told you this, friend wise,

(44:09):
I had to cancel my retreat,okay, and like so was it two.
It's two weeks ago now and Iheard myself say I made the
really hard decision to cancelmy retreat.
But, if I'm being really honest, it didn't feel like I made the
decision to cancel it.
It felt like life forced myhand to cancel it.

(44:30):
And I say that because I wasliterally at this point where I
was like I can technically keepfighting for this, but I finally
hit that point where I was likeI can't do this anymore.
But what's so hard?
Monica and I still don't havean answer for this, and I'm and

(44:51):
I'm not I'm being reallyintentional to not try to make
it mean something like aboutretreats.
So this is the first retreatthat I've ever had to sell.
It's the first retreat thatI've ever had to market.
Every other retreat has likesold mostly to clients, with a
little, maybe a little bit ofwork on my end, right?
So one, this was a new hardthing because, like, I've never

(45:13):
actually marketed a retreatbefore.
So there was like that littlebit of discomfort of it takes
longer.
It always takes longer than youthink it's going to it.
You have to talk about it threetimes as much as you think you
should.
And but there was one point inthe selling process of the
retreat and I was talking to myfriend and I was like it feels
like I'm pushing a boulder up ahill.

(45:34):
And she was like, feels likeyou're pushing a boulder up a
hill.
She was like what, if you justlike let it go.
But everything in me is like,well, no, but this is what I
want, I want this retreat, Ilove this retreat.
And even after canceling it Ihad so much grief of like wait.
I loved the timing, I loved theretreat.

(45:54):
I could like picture it.
I could picture me and thewomen there, I could picture
this retreat house and the wholetime through the process,
everything in me was like thisis the good right, kind of hard.
And then I got to the end of it, canceled, and it was like,
okay, well, it's a pivot.
Here we are and it was like,okay, well, it's a pivot, here
we are.

(46:18):
But when you were talking aboutthat like doubling down, it's
something that's interesting forme because there's some things
in my life where they have feltso hard but then they ended up
being the right kind of hard.
So how do you know, or do you?
Is it like this internal?
Internal, it just feelsdifferent.
Is it this knowing, when it'slike because I did have this
moment where I was like, wow,should I have months before then

(46:41):
called the retreat because Ihad moments.
I have had several momentswhere I thought do I need to
cancel this retreat?
And I've never had that before.
But every time I had that I waslike, why would I cancel this?
I love these retreats.

Speaker 2 (46:55):
Yeah, I think we can't just always go with that
first thought right, becausethen we never get anything done
because things get hard and yourthought pops up and you're like
, is this my gut telling me Ishould quit and do you know, go
travel the world, whatever itmay be.
But I think sometimes itdoesn't make sense until down
the road and you're looking backand I actually I've been in

(47:16):
this situation.
I I did a women's retreat,loved it, lost a lot of money
because I loved it so much thatI was willing to basically give,
give the tickets away because Iwanted to do it.
And then I planned another one.
Every part of me didn't want tosell it.
It was the selling and I lovethe product.

(47:36):
Still, I have written it.
I have I call it a parking lotof ideas.
You know, like I'm going tohave a podcast.
Here's the three books I'mgoing to write, and so it's
there and I do believe I will doa retreat again.
But it's not the right time.
It just doesn't feel good.
Now there are some things thatit's it's the selling that's

(47:59):
hard, because I'm sure, like theactual retreat would have been
amazing and that's probablywhat's hard to latch onto is
going.
The product was right, it wasthe selling it was that.
So sometimes it is getting help, maybe from resources.
You know, hiring a sellingcoach I know there's people that
teach about selling that I'mjust not good at, so it could be
something like that.

(48:19):
It could be a timing thing, butyeah, recognizing that it's
okay to walk away from it.
I did a whole re rebrand LLC tobecome a coach and I put
together a mastermind and Ihated it.
I did it one time and I waslike nope, not for me, I'm not
selling courses, I'm not doingthis, and that was embarrassing

(48:41):
to be like, nevermind all thatsocial media posting.
So there is some of that too.
Is that we attach?
You know we get embarrassedwhen we feel like we've pivoted
or we've had to pivot.
There's that like shame of,like feeling like a failure
because all I've been talkingabout is this one thing and now
I'm not doing it.
And how do I look to people?
First of all, nobody's payingattention, nobody cares, they're

(49:03):
all worried about their ownshit.
But but it feels that way andthat's part of the grief too,
when you have to like letsomething go that you loved and
it just didn't work out and Ithink you have to like, be kind
to yourself, recognize that itcould just be a timing thing,
because if you love the actualproduct, it might be scaling it

(49:24):
down.
You know, doing a half a day inDenver where there's not a lot
of overhead and you can do thething you love.
If two people show up, you canstill do it.
Um, it might just be looking atthings differently.
It might just be something forlater down the road.
But again, this is this goes onthe badass letter.
I fucking planned a retreat,even if it didn't go like I did

(49:47):
it.
I did the hard thing.
I, you know, promoted it, Isold, I did these things that
were really uncomfortable for me.
It's not a failure in that waybecause there's a lot of skills
that come from it that will makesense down the road and I truly
trust that in every hard thingin my life, even though I'm like
this doesn't make sense rightnow, but I'm gathering the
skills that someday it's goingto make sense.

(50:10):
I emceed a big event and I thiswas I emceed my first big event
after I told everybody I'm goingto be a full-time speaker and
emcee and I mispronouncedpeople's names and they got up
and made a point to tell me andit just it went from bad to
worse.
Like it, just as the two houraward ceremony came up, like
more mistakes were made.

(50:31):
Everybody pointed out.
They started laughing.
Like it, just as the two houraward ceremony came up.
Like more mistakes were made.
Everybody pointed out.
They started laughing Like itwas horrible.
I went to the bathroom and I'mcrying at intermission and this
girl comes up to me and she goesthis must be awful, cause you
just told everybody that you'regoing to be an MC and I'm like
are you kidding?
Like I was like bawling and thenext day I got up and I had to
go speak.

(50:51):
The next day and I went.
You know what?
This is going to be amazingmaterial when I'm teaching
people to talk about thissomeday, yeah.
Yeah, and so I was like this isthat moment that sucks.
It feels horrible, I'm ashamed,I'm embarrassed, it feels God
awful.
It's going to make an amazingted talk someday, you know.

(51:11):
Or like an amazing part of mybook.
Like here I'm on a podcast nowtalking about it.
So like, sometimes we have tojust reframe it and go.
This sucks in the moment, butthese skills that I'm putting
together right now are reallygoing to serve future, me, yeah,
and then pat yourself on theback and give yourself grace too
, because I think all of us whoare in entrepreneurship have had
something that didn't sell,that we had to let go or try to

(51:34):
pot.
You know I had a podcast and Idon't do that anymore.
So like there's all sorts ofthings that we try and it's kind
of throwing pasta at a wall andhoping it sticks sometimes.

Speaker 1 (51:45):
Yeah, it's so interesting.
I kind of had to go through thedifferent stages of grief, yeah
, mostly of just like theretreat not happening.
So this would have been myseventh retreat.
And when I tell you like theseare my favorite weekends ever,
and even all of my clients likeit's their favorite weekends
ever, and it was interesting, Iwas talking with the client who

(52:06):
was signed up and I was, likeyou know, holding space for like
hey, it's okay to be likedisappointed.
And she was like well, I kind ofwant to hold back on the
disappointment.
So I like don't make you feelbad.
And I was like actually, likelaid on me as thick as you've
got it, because it was reallyinteresting.
I went I hope this is okay withmy husband that I'm sharing.
I think it will be the otherday when I was luteal and I was

(52:34):
kind of like on that brink oflike I was pretty sure I was
going to have to cancel it, butI was going to give it like one
or two more weeks.
I was like people always waitlast minute, like I'm not going
to give up, I'm going to go tothe last day that I can,
basically.
And I went to him and I startedtalking about it and he did the
very loving thing and like,gave me solutions and really
practical ideas.

Speaker 2 (52:57):
And instantly I was like you're hurting my feelings.
He was like okay, Tell me, it'sgoing to be okay and I'm pretty
.

Speaker 1 (53:06):
Those were the literal words out of my mouth.
I was like I just need you totell me that I'm doing a good
job.
And he was like I love you, I'mgoing to go back in the garage.
And I was like I need to go.
Voxer, one of my friends, likeI love you so much I don't know
what like, and it's not like hesaid anything wrong, but it was
so fascinating Because as soonas he started talking, he gave
some really practical advice.
That was, it was very wise, butlike one of the things he said
is like maybe this, maybe theretreats just don't make sense.

(53:34):
And I had this giant, likealmost violent reaction in my
body of like fuck you, but.
But that was powerful.
And when I did, when I canceledthis retreat, when I tell you,
monica, that, like my full bodydevotion for these weekend
retreats and like the weekendretreats don't get me wrong, I'm
going to do the day retreatsand like my marketing brain and
my business brain they're backonline now to like the problem

(53:56):
solving of like what is withinmy control, what can I change,
what can I do?
But when I tell you that, like,my full body is like no, this
is the thing, though.
Like it's not that the retreatsaren't happening.
In fact, I'm more invested nowthan I was before, which is
fascinating, because there wasan embarrassment when I was

(54:16):
selling it, when I had this likewait, no, I've done this before
.
I've had sold out retreats.
My retreats are profitable frommy second retreat from a
business standpoint, but from apractical standpoint, I was like
why isn't this working?
And I'm glad we're talkingabout this, I think because
there was so much embarrassment,because I think in the

(54:37):
entrepreneurial world you hearabout people's failures, but you
often don't hear about themuntil they're already successful
.
You don't hear about the pivotsand the messy moments while
you're in them, while you're inthe dirt and the grime and the
like.
Why is this happening to me?

(54:58):
And like, going between this,like super victim-y place of
like oh, it's all just timing,which, like don't get me wrong,
could be a thing, it could be athing.
And also I'm like, okay, well,that's out of my control.
What is within my control?
What can I do when, like, I'mnot just going to leave it to
fate and quote, unquote manifestit, because if manifesting it

(55:18):
would have worked, it would havehappened.
I was pushing the boulder upthe hill manifestation wise Like
anyway yeah, a couple goodpoints you made.

Speaker 2 (55:26):
I love that you had that visceral reaction, because
I think can be it can be a greatway to tell if you're on the
right track for something Right,because there's definitely
times where I don't know, when Iquestion myself and I go back
and forth, ask somebody, likewhen I had that coach tell me
collapse the timeline, everypart of me went, ew, no, like I

(55:47):
need to pause, and so that was a.
That's a good indication.
And like even writing thosethings down, like okay, what,
what am I feeling?
In this moment, when peoplehave told me to be a coach, I'm
like, nope, not for me.
Like, but sometimes we have tohear somebody suggest something
to get that reaction, to know ifit's right or wrong, right, and
so those can be indications tolead us where we want to go now.

(56:12):
Okay, so now you know retreats ahundred percent.
This is what feels good, thisis a big part of my business,
it's going to be a big part ofmy business.
So then we look at ittactically.
Then you start looking back inlike a business who's made a
mistake, goes through theirthings and goes what works, what
didn't, what felt good butdidn't, what part of the selling

(56:33):
process held you up?
What part?
Was it the price point?
Was it the location?
Was it the posting on socialmedia?
Start figuring out what pointsyou didn't like and figure out
maybe a different way.
So maybe you co-host a retreatso you don't have to be the only
one selling or you don't haveto take on the financial burden.
Maybe you hire out help forthis one part that sucked.
But it's kind of looking backgoing okay, the retreat is

(56:54):
definitely a product that I wantin my business.
So what parts didn't feel goodand how can I make that easier
next time?
And that's why it's all part oflike.
The learning lesson issometimes we need those failures
to get really good at thestrategy.
So next time you go in, yousell it out really quick and
then you've got that strategy inplace for every retreat that
comes afterward.

Speaker 1 (57:16):
Oh, that's so good.
And one of the things I lovethat you said is playing with
that tension and that resistance, because I think a lot of us
fear that.
We fear the inner conflict andthe outer conflict and I think
what was really important one Ijust have to name that like that
was such a moment of health forme to be able to, in the moment
, realize like wait, he's notdoing anything wrong, he's not

(57:36):
being mean.
There was this inner conflictand like that was the tension in
the rub and I think a lot ofpeople avoid that because it's
highly uncomfortable.
It doesn't feel squishy, itdoesn't feel warm and gooey, it
feels like so much agitation andso much energy and it's like I

(58:01):
really think we need to learnhow to be with it and how to
understand it.
Because I think sometimes thatresistance and that tension will
come up when we're doingsomething out of alignment, and
sometimes it'll come up when weare in alignment and someone
questions it and it reminds usof how much this matters to us.
And I think you know, mom, guiltis thrown out so much, and I
think it's thrown out in theentrepreneur world too, where

(58:22):
it's like you feel guilty forwhat you're doing.
I really think that the like,the medicine for that is
learning to be able to holdtension and understanding like,
is that guilt, an internaltension, with what you believe
and what your behavior is, or isit an external tension of like
you and them disagree, becausethat's different.

(58:43):
That's like a very differentthing to say like oh, they're
saying something that's pokingat a wound that I need to pay
attention to.
Yeah, whether it's a meaningwound right, where, like, I need
to pay attention to.
Yeah, whether it's a meaningwound right when, like, I had to
.
Really, that moment gave me alot of clarity around one, I'm
really solid and like what Iwant to do with this.

(59:04):
I love that.
Two, it also gave me this likepermission of like, oh, I might
be like investing a little toomuch of my worth and goodness in
this as a business, like alittle bit of that like wait,
I'm going to be okay either way.

Speaker 2 (59:19):
Like you have to look at the end of that feeling so
is.
Am I feeling that like, fuckyou know, I'm going to do this
because it's pride, because I'membarrassed to, not because I
feel like I'm a badass and I cando it, screw you.
Or is it I feel that because Iknow this is going to help these
women at this retreat and Iwill die on that hill?

(59:40):
Like that's the difference oflike where is that intention
coming from?
Because sometimes I'm a stuffI'm stubborn to a fault.
This is a really probably badstory to tell on a podcast, but
I used to uh, work at a resortthat was all within a three mile
radius and when I would drink,people would take me home and be
like you're done, and I wouldhave that.
No, I'm not, and I would jogthree miles back to the bar just

(01:00:01):
to prove them wrong.
And I'm like.
I'm like people need to nottell me I can't do something
because I'll do it to a fault.
So it's recognizing like am Idoing this for the right reason?
But if that tension is comingfrom a good place, that is the
best gift in the world.
I love that feeling when, whenI get that like screw you, I'm
going to do it and, like knowingit's coming from a good place,

(01:00:25):
that is like the biggest fireand the biggest indication that
you are actually on the righttrack, even if it's messy.

Speaker 1 (01:00:31):
But I think I think that's such a beautiful way to
wrap the conversation onpivoting because you know, like
when we were starting, there wasthat conversation of like how
do you know when to pivot?
And like, for me, with thisretreat, maybe, maybe I could
have, or should have pivotedearlier.
I don't really know the answerto that.
All I know is that like pivotedearlier.

(01:00:52):
I don't really know the answerto that.
All I know is that like Ipivoted when I did, and now I'm
dealing with what I pivoted likebetter for worse here I am now
in this decision as I made itand it doesn't.
Actually, it helps me to lookback at what I did, but not hold
that over my head.
It helps to look back in therear view to say like, okay, do
I want to shift or change acouple of the directions that I

(01:01:14):
took or the intensity or the waythat I did things, versus
living in that Like I'm going tostay right here in the present,
look back a little bit and nowstart looking forward.
I think for me that's a hugepart of pivoting that I used to
not understand failure used likeI used to avoid failure at all
costs, and now I have reallytruly learned that, like truly

(01:01:36):
failure is, it's a part of theprocess for the whole process.

Speaker 2 (01:01:39):
There's no point.
Yeah, it's such a gift we don'tlike it, we don't but then you
get this like moment where youget to do something different
and that is going to feel better, and trust that you know it's
going to feel better and tobring it to momhood.
So we decided yesterday my sonwas going to start potty

(01:02:01):
training one day.
At daycare we learned he's notready, but we learned very
clearly and I did that too.
Every part of me was like Ifeel a little bit like a crappy
mom because I should have done amillion different things.
We didn't do a naked weekend.
I literally sent him on Mondayand was like here he is in
underwear, good luck.
And the teachers were like no,no, no, no, um, bad mom moment,

(01:02:27):
it's fine, um, but yeah, takingthat moment to be like okay,
this didn't work, it feels, itfelt really crappy.
Yesterday I was like near tears,feeling like a crappy mom,
being like I did not preparethis child for this.
He's having a meltdown and thengoing okay, let me look back at
the things that worked anddidn't work.
Let me look at some steps I cantake forward and we try again

(01:02:49):
in two months and we work onthis one thing of pulling pants
up and down for two months, likeit's such a cheesy example, but
it's true.
Like you break it down of likewhat worked and what didn't, and
if you look at, okay, he'sgoing to be potty trained.
Every, every adult, for the mostpart is he's going to figure it
out.
So if you look at retreats as anon-negotiable, like that, like
it's going to happen, it'sabsolutely going to happen.

(01:03:11):
So, instead of like a is it, isit not?
If you felt that and you knowit's, it needs to happen, it's
going to happen, cool, okay.
So let me look back at thesteps that worked and didn't
reframe it and know for a factthat we'll do this differently
next time and it is going towork.
So there you go you weretreated like potty training.

Speaker 1 (01:03:33):
That's a terrible example.
I love that example, honestly.
When you're talking about that,I mean one potty training was
the worst.
I had no idea how hard pottytraining would be, but I went
into potty training and like wehad done some prep and stuff but
we got into it and I was like,oh, we're doing it and I don't
like it, like we made the pivotand like it was hard for a while

(01:03:53):
, like I'm talking like likeemotionally, mentally and just
like practically like everywherewe went anyhow, like it wasn't
just like, oh, we need diapers,it was like, oh, we need like
three changes of clothes on usif there's an accident.
And how do you keep the carseat dry?
And what do you do on longdrives?
And what do you do in the?
They just start peeing in themiddle of target, like it's just

(01:04:15):
I don't feel like planning aretreat.
It's a great.
It's a great example because,like, even when you pivot in the
right direction, I thinkthere's this under, there's this
, there's this thing that's soldto us, that like, when you're
on the right track, it it'sgoing to be beautiful,
everything will flow to you.
And I'm just like, don't get mewrong, there are some things

(01:04:39):
that have come easily to me but,like, my life experience has
been like, a lot of the bestthings in my life have come hard
to me and my brain just wentdirty with that, not in a good
way.
Sorry, that's the most immatureI've been on my podcast, but I
couldn't help it.
It's it's what friends.

(01:05:01):
I can't help it.
But like things I've never.

Speaker 2 (01:05:04):
Things often feel really hard for me, like I say
use the flow of like you know,okay, what comes naturally.
When do I lose time?
What would I do if I had notime and money All of those are
amazing to get you in thatdirection.
Okay, help me figure out what Iwant to do.
But once I figure out what Iwant to do, it's not going to be

(01:05:28):
easy.
There's going to be like it'sgoing to go like this.
I'm going to question myselfevery other day Like it's going
to be a mess.
So I think we yeah, like yousaid, we have this misconception
that once we're doing the thingwe love, everything is flowing
and we lose track of time everyday.

Speaker 1 (01:05:42):
No, there's still crappy parts to it Even once you
get successful even once youhave the thing that you wanted,
right, like I think, like havingthe marriage I want, okay, it
still takes some effort.
It takes, it still has somehard days.
And I think of the business.
I'm like, okay, I love mybusiness, like, oh my gosh, it's
the best thing ever.
And I still have days ormoments where it's just like

(01:06:04):
what is happening, what am Idoing?
And I think that's so, soimportant, because I think those
are the things that keep peoplefrom pivoting.

Speaker 2 (01:06:16):
Are you even a mom?
If you haven't?

Speaker 1 (01:06:17):
questioned, just flying somewhere and running
away for a week.
We all want to do it, I think.
I think we have to normalize it, and not in the like everything
is going to be miserable, butin the like this is just part of
it.
This is part of the goodnessand it's okay.
I this is so funny I'm like I'mI'm doing the worst job at
managing our time and cutting usoff because we just talk for
don't be sorry, that's like thebest, that's the best thing ever

(01:06:40):
is when we're just like we'rejust.
I'm loving this conversation somuch so we might, I might, just
have to have you back, becausewhat's better than podcasting
with your friends, right?
So, thank you so so much.
Is there anything that wemissed?
Is there anything that, likeyou didn't say that you feel
like you want to like end on.

Speaker 2 (01:06:59):
So I think I just want to wrap up on the fact I
use this quote and everything Ireally do.
It was in my wedding vows, itwas in my book, but, like it
really does sum everything upBeginnings are scary, endings
are usually sad.
It's the middle that counts.
Remember that when you findyourself at the beginning,
because I think when we're inthat space and it's
uncomfortable, we don't realizehow amazing it's going to be on

(01:07:21):
the other side.
So we have to kind of cling onto that and look back on the
pivots we've made in the pastthat ended us exactly where we
wanted to be, to just kind oftrust.
You just got to let it go andtrust that it's all going to be
okay.
And if you find yourself inthat pivot, then just get really
excited about what's next.

Speaker 1 (01:07:40):
That's so good.
Thank you so much.
And you guys, if you arelistening to this episode, we
would love to hear from you.
So send us a DM, share it onsocial, let us know what you
thought.
What are the pivots going on inyour life right now, like, what
is it?
What is the pivot you'reavoiding making?
What's the pivot you're in themiddle of?
We would love to hear from you.

(01:08:00):
And Monica, your Instagram isso fun.
I love your Instagram.
Is there anywhere else peoplecan find you?

Speaker 2 (01:08:09):
Yeah, so my website is Monica J Ortegacom.
That's really like any sort ofspeaking MC.
If you have an event, you wantan MC or a keynote, I'm happy to
help.
And then my show is Monicagoescom.
Or on YouTube, monica goes show.
You can binge all the oldepisodes of me crying, doing
scary things.

Speaker 1 (01:08:27):
I'm absolutely as a friend.
I'm absolutely gonna go binge,like watch your show with my
family and then be like that'smy friend.
And then the next time we getum tacos and margaritas, I'm
gonna ask you like.
I'm gonna like make you tell meall the stories about it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:43):
Oh my gosh.

Speaker 1 (01:08:44):
I'm gonna go geek out on it, so thank you so so much
for being a guest and we'll seeyou guys next time.

Speaker 2 (01:08:50):
Sounds good all right , all right.

Speaker 1 (01:08:53):
Thanks, bye.
Thanks for joining me ontoday's episode of the
motherhood mentor podcast.
Make sure you have subscribedbelow so that you see all of the
upcoming podcasts that arecoming soon.
I hope you take today's episodeand you take one aha moment,
one small, tangible piece ofwork that you can bring into
your life, to get your hands alittle dirty, to get your skin

(01:09:14):
in the game.
Don't forget to take upaudacious space in your life.
If this podcast moved you, ifit inspired you, if it
encouraged you, please do me afavor and leave a review, send
an episode to a friend.
This helps the show gain moretraction.
It helps us to support moremoms, more women, and that's

(01:09:37):
what we're doing here.
So I hope you have an awesomeday, take really good care of
yourself and I'll see you nexttime.