May 11, 2025 • 35 mins
Have you ever wondered what would happen if you faced your biggest fear? That's exactly what I did when I finally shaved my head after years of anxiety and hesitation. What followed was nothing short of transformative.
Growing up as a Black woman, my relationship with my hair was complicated. I received compliments only when my natural 4C hair was braided, straightened, or permed - leading me to get chemical treatments every six weeks until my hairdresser refused to continue damaging my hair. When she suggested "the big chop," I couldn't imagine being bald. The idea terrified me.
After years of transition and still hiding behind protective styles, I found myself in a period of stagnant personal growth. Following what felt like divine signs - including a dream about having my head shaved and mysteriously encountering videos of bald women on social media - I finally made the appointment.
The moment the barber's razor touched my scalp, something magical happened. With each stroke, I could feel weights and shackles falling away. Standing before the mirror afterward, I experienced a profound liberation that words can barely describe. Everything clicked into place - how little hair actually matters and how much unnecessary pressure I had placed on myself because of it.
Being bald helped me realize that I am beautiful exactly as I am. My hair had been my way of conforming to society's beauty standards, and without it, I could clearly see how none of that matters. The only perception that truly counts is my own. I am powerful, strong, beautiful - exactly who I think I am.
Ready to embrace your authentic self? Join me on this journey of self-discovery and liberation. Check out my merch at shopdaijnebriell.com, and let me know if this episode inspires you to make a bold change in your own life!
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Daijné (00:00):
Is this thing on?
Hello, hello, uh-oh, anotheryapper with a mic.
Hello everyone and welcome backto The Napkin In Between
podcast.
I am your host, Daijné Jones.
Y'all, we're so back.
(00:23):
Last week was so weird for menot having a podcast episode
come out, like I don't know.
I feel like I've gotten intothis routine for the last couple
of months of like filming apodcast episode, editing it,
putting it up, you know,whatever, and I didn't have to
do that last week and it's justbeen so weird.
But I was fighting for my lifelast week and I just wasn't
(00:47):
feeling well, so I didn't film apodcast episode.
And it's crazy because, like,initially I thought it was
allergies and I was like, oh, mygod, my allergies are really
bad right now.
And then it just kept feelingworse and worse and worse and I
was like, yeah, I don't thinkthis is allergies.
So I took the week off to, youknow, take care of myself, and
all that good shit.
But I'm feeling so much betternow and we're back.
(01:08):
We're so back and I'm soexcited to be back.
Jumping right in with the peakof my week, I saw the "Sinners
movie, which, if you haven'tseen it yet, honestly, what are
you doing with your life?
Go see it.
It is so good.
I don't want to say anyspoilers, because if people
haven't seen it again, if youhaven't seen it, what actually
are you doing with your life?
(01:28):
But I loved every single partof that movie.
There were so many parts that Iwas just like yes, like no, no,
10 out of 10.
Yes, some of my favorite parts,without saying too much and
spoiling it Annie, love her,love her so bad.
And I'm seeing people onlinetalking about how they were
(01:52):
confused, that she was the loveinterest and that she looked
like their mom.
And you guys are actually soclose.
That's just your mammificationof heavy set, dark skinned black
women.
Yeah, hope that helps.
In no fucking world Does thatwoman look like their mother,
like.
Can we please be so Fucking forreal, your brain has just Been
(02:14):
wired so when you see A heavyset, dark skinned black woman,
you immediately think of her asa mammy.
That's something that we allneed to work on, cause there's
just no way that y'all reallyThought that that was their mom.
They literally all look thesame age.
What are we talking about?
Anyway, I loved her character somuch and I love the way that
the director portrayed her likenumber one.
(02:36):
Nobody questioned her when shesaid shit in the movie.
They were like okay.
And I love that because listento black women.
Like we know what the fuckwe're talking about.
And it was so refreshing to seethe other characters just be
like okay, like you know she,she knows what she's talking
about.
We all just need to listen toher.
It wasn't no type of back talk,like I just love that.
(02:59):
They were all just like okay,what what she says?
If she peeps this shit, then itmust be correct.
Loved that.
I also loved the nativeamericans in the movie.
Again, I don't okay, there mightbe a spoiler, so if you haven't
seen it, like skip ahead orsomething I don't know.
But when they came to the housethat remick had ran into for
safety and they were like hey,like there's this man running
(03:20):
around.
He's not what he appears to be,and the white people didn't
believe them.
And then he peeped that klanhood and he said y'all got it,
y'all got it.
He was not doing too much, hewas not trying to convince him
of anything.
He said I'm gonna tell y'allthis one good time.
And if y'all don't listen,that's on y'all.
And I love that because, at theend of the day, there are people
(03:43):
who are going to have to beleft behind.
Ok, we need to be a lot moreHarriet Tubman and a lot less
George Bush.
Some people cannot go where weare going and they're stuck in
wherever place they are, and weneed to leave them where they
are at.
And I love that because, like,that's just the energy and the
mode that I have been onrecently.
It's like I'm going to explainthis to you one good time and if
(04:06):
you don't get it, that is onyou.
You, that is your choice.
So now you're gonna have todeal with the consequences of
those choices.
Like I, it don't.
You don't even take all thattalking.
I'm not with all that talkinganymore.
Like, I'm gonna say this to youone time and if you don't get
it, okay, that's.
I'm gonna leave you where youat.
You got it.
That's all.
I'm going to say this to youone time and if you don't get it
, okay, that's.
I'm going to leave you whereyou at.
You got it.
That's all I'm going to say.
(04:27):
I don't want to say too muchbecause I really don't want to
spoil it, but there were so manyother parts I loved about the
movie.
Sammy loved him, not for thereason that y'all love him, like
a lot of y'all was freaked out.
Michael B Jordan okay, wait, wehave to talk about Michael B
(04:47):
Jordan.
His range as an actor is insane.
The fact that he was playingtwo characters in this movie and
they were both vastly differentcharacters insane.
He's just so good at his joband that just makes him so much
hotter to me, like yeah, he'sobviously a very attractive man,
but the fact that you're justlike good at your job and he
just seems so charismatic andlike down to earth, so hot, like
(05:09):
he just great actor, loved himin the movie too.
Hailee Steinfeld was also great.
I had only ever seen her inpitch perfect.
So her character in sinners andthe character in pitch perfect
two vastly different characters.
Like she was like goofy, quirkyand pitch perfect, but she also
has some range as an actress,which I really really like.
That was cool.
(05:30):
And then I loved the comedicrelief characters too, like
Cornbread and Delta Slim, whichDelta Slim is the same man who
was in that interview with thosewhite men who were like, oh,
rappers can say the n-word, butwhen a white man says it like
it's an issue.
He is the man from theinterview who was like, so, say
it, like, say the words you wantto say.
And I didn't realize that untilI got on tiktok.
(05:51):
But I love him.
I've loved him from that momentand he was just.
I loved his comedic reliefcharacter in the movie as well,
as well as cornbread he was.
He was really, really good too.
He's really funny.
Um, it was just a good movieall around.
It was a really really goodmovie.
The message behind the movie itdove into a deeper topic that I
fear a lot of people aren'tready for is that, like the
(06:16):
christian faith that is studiedis it was made by white people
and it was made by white peopleto, in parts, justify their
white supremacy and make peoplefeel OK with slavery.
And it's a conversation thaty'all aren't ready for.
So we're not going to get intoit too deep.
But yeah, anyways, just gowatch the movie because it's a
(06:39):
really good movie.
But that was definitely thepeak of my week was just
watching that movie and I wantto go see it again.
I've seen it it once so far,but I feel like I need to see
movies several times because,especially a movie like Sinners,
like I know, there were so manyparts in that movie that I
probably missed um, so I do dowant to go see it again and if
you haven't seen it, definitelygo see it, because it was a
really good movie.
(07:00):
I want to hear the peak of yourweek.
Tell me me something that madeyou smile, kept you grounded,
kept you sane in the chaos thatis the world right now,
segwaying into what I feel likehas been truly the peak of my
life.
I am a bald baddie.
I am one of your newest baldbaddies.
I have always known that atsome point in my life I was
(07:20):
going to go bald, but part of mewas always afraid to do it.
But now that I have finallydone it and I am bald, I'm like
kicking myself in the ass that Iit took me so long to go bald
Like this has been the mostfreeing thing.
It's only been a week since Ichopped all my hair off, but it
has genuinely been the mostfreeing thing that I've ever
(07:43):
done.
Number one, the most freeingthing that I've ever done.
But it was like instantaneousfreedom.
Like the second, I was baldlike, not even fully bald, like
just one strip of hair was gone.
I immediately was like, oh, Ihave unlocked the greatest
character that I could have everunlocked.
I have collected my lastinfinity stone.
Like I am unstoppable at thispoint and I feel like at least
(08:09):
for me personally I was alwaysso afraid to go bald because I
felt like I had a really bigattachment to my hair which was
very rooted in my owninternalized anti-blackness and
racism, and so that's the reasonthat I knew that eventually
that I was always going to wantto go bald, but like it was
always such a scary thought forme and sadly I know that a lot
(08:31):
of black women relate to that aswell but truly, if you have
ever considered going bald, ifyou have ever thought about
doing the big chop, 10 out of 10recommend this is truly the
freest that I've ever felt in myentire life.
So let's start from the verybeginning and I've talked about
this a little bit on the pod butgrowing up I had a very
(08:52):
complicated relationship with myhair.
It's not that my hair was everdemeaned, I mean, in some ways
it was like I was called likenappy headed and different
things like that.
So I don't ever want to likeknock that, because that is
still a very negative way tospeak about natural 4c hair.
I just mean that it could havebeen much worse.
Like I, I understand that thethe ridicule that I got for my
(09:15):
hair was very light, but assomeone who grew up and my
confidence was rooted in otherpeople and their perceptions of
me, I was only ever complimentedon my hair when it was braided
or straight or like when Ieventually started getting
permed.
I got a lot of compliments onmy hair.
So, again, because myconfidence was rooted in other
(09:35):
people's perceptions of me andthat was the only way that my
hair was ever complimented likeI was constantly wearing braids,
constantly wearing sew-ins,constantly perming my hair, like
I felt like that's what Ineeded to feel pretty.
And so eventually, in 2019, andI've done an episode on this, if
you haven't seen it yet, it'sin my episode it's called what
Radicalized Me, so I don't wantto talk about it too much
(09:57):
because this is a conversationthat I've already had but in
2019, I eventually stoppedgetting perms.
But leading up to 2019, I wasgetting perms every six weeks
for like a year and a half.
Like the end.
Like thinking about that now.
That's insane.
Like that's the craziest thingin the world to me that I was
(10:18):
putting so much pressure onmyself from my own internalized
racism and anti blackness that Iwas going to get perms every
six weeks.
Like every month and a half Iwas in the salon chair getting a
perm.
Needless to say, it fried myhair.
Like my hair was so damaged andit got to the point where my
(10:39):
hairdresser was like I'm notgiving you any more perms and
like that's when you know it'sreally bad.
Like when your hairdresser theperson that you're paying like
that's how she makes money andshe's like, yeah, I'm not doing
this anymore, that's how youknow it was bad.
So she suggested back in 2019that I do a big job, and I was
like absolutely not, because Icould not fathom me being bald.
(11:01):
Like being bald was like trulyone of the scariest things in
the world to me, because I wasso attached to my hair and I
felt like I needed my hair to bepretty, and so I was like I'm
not gonna do the big chop.
Now again, I'm kicking myself inthe ass because, like, just the
freedom that has come with mecutting all of my hair off has
(11:22):
just been like I can't evendescribe it, it's just the best
feeling in the world.
But at the time I was like, no,I'm not going to do a big chop.
So I cut off most of my hair,but I still kept some of it, and
so then I would go every sooften and we would cut off a
little bit, little bit by little.
Um wasn't getting relaxersanymore and was cutting off and
(11:42):
eventually all of my hair wasjust my natural hair and while
that was a very freeing process,I still feel like deep down I
always knew that eventually,like in order to be completely
free, that I would want to orneed to go completely bald
eventually.
But even so, like that processwas still very freeing and I was
able to learn you know how tobetter take care of my natural
(12:04):
hair.
And for the first time I feltlike I was able to learn you
know how to better take care ofmy natural hair and for the
first time I felt like I waspretty with my natural hair.
But I was still very much likein the shackles of my
internalized racism andanti-blackness because, yes, I
was wearing my natural hair more, but I was still getting braids
a lot of the time, or wearingsew-ins or clip-ins or like just
(12:27):
anything to like hide mynatural hair like I was wearing
it, but I was still very muchhiding it.
So I'm going through thisprocess of, you know, trying to
be more comfortable with mynatural hair while
simultaneously trying to hide it.
And while my hair was doingbetter like it was, it was
flourishing more, for sure, butthe fact that I was still like
adding, you know, these clip-insor braids or whatever, I wasn't
(12:49):
giving my hair enough of abreak and so, because I wasn't
giving it a break, it was verymuch still breaking off, like
especially my edges.
Um, I was still putting a lotof tension styles on my edges
and different things like that.
So I I noticed that my edgeswere like leaving it's, like
they were like, okay, you're notgonna give us a break, then
we're just gonna give ourselvesa break and break the fuck off.
(13:09):
You know what I mean.
And so eventually I was like,okay, like I, I really do need
to give myself a break.
And that was by this time I wasliving in Atlanta and I thought
about cutting all of my hair off, like going bald, but I was
still like can't do that yet,like I just wasn't there.
I wasn't there and so I startedwearing my natural hair more of
(13:30):
just like I would wear, like myafro or different things like
that.
And at that same time was whenI was nannying Callie and also
started posting on social media.
I've talked about this.
You know, posting on socialmedia and nannying Callie were
both things that really helpedme to unlearn a lot of my
anti-blackness and, um,internalized racism, like those
(13:50):
two things were the things thatreally catapulted me into really
unpacking my anti-blackness andinternalized racism.
And when I started to reallyunpack all of it, I realized
that like 80% of it was in myhair.
And then, after Atlanta I waswhen I moved to New York City
and I met my roommate Teliea,who is one of my best friends
(14:12):
now, but her and I would talk alot about, you know, wanting to
shave our hair off and goingbald, and they were little
conversations here and there,and then I would also also.
So I was starting to try to doother styles other than like my
afro, um, and I was trying to dolike two strand twists and flat
(14:32):
twists and different thingslike that.
And when I would do the flattwist, which is what I noticed
worked better for me.
My hair is is very fine, um,and so the two strand twist just
didn't work for me.
Personally.
I I found that on my hair theflat twist worked better.
But I would do the flat twistand I was kind of subconsciously
(14:54):
at first I didn't realize this,but subconsciously I was using
this as a way to like get usedto seeing myself with no hair,
because, like when my hair wasflat twisted, it was like
completely like twisted down andI couldn't see my hair as much
and I was.
I could literally just see myface and I don't know how to
explain it.
I don't know if that reallyeven makes sense, but it was
(15:15):
just like a way for me to kindof get used to just seeing my
face, but I would see myselflike that.
I'd be like wait, like this iskind of tea.
And then I started doing styleson social media because like I
just I can't do hair.
I have watched so many YouTubevideos, I have tried so many
(15:36):
things and it's just like, it'sjust not a gift that I have and
I feel like that's God's way ofkeeping me humble, like he knew
if he gave me the gift of beingable to do hair.
It would very well be over foryou bitches like like, y'all
can't tell me shit now anyway,regardless, but y'all really
couldn't tell me shit if I knewhow to do hair.
But I started doing my haironline because I wanted more
(15:57):
tips and different things likethat, and I would always get
comments especially when my hairwas flat twisted and I would be
taking out my flat twist ofpeople being like, oh, like, you
should try a pixie cut, or Icould see you being bald, or
different things like that.
And I'm not gonna lie, likethat was kind of a confidence
boost for me too.
Like, okay, like, because Ifelt that way, but it's like, I
(16:18):
don't know, it was just like itwas a co-sign.
You know what I mean.
Like, okay, they see you too.
And so, leading up to Saturday,when I decided to chop all of
my hair off, I was thinkingabout it all week and that week
I had also posted a video of medoing my hair, and so I was
getting um comments of like, oh,like you should try pixie cut,
or I could see you with a lowfade.
(16:41):
And Saturday morning, I wassitting in my living room and
Teliea came into the kitchen andyou know, we greeted each other
like, hey, how are you doingwhatever, whatever?
And I said to her like I thinkI'm gonna make a really big
change today.
And she's like, what do youmean?
And I was like like I think I'mgonna go bald.
And she was like really, andlike we had again we had talked
about it before.
(17:01):
But I was like, yeah, like Ithink I, I think I just want to
cut all my hair off.
And I had.
I didn't think about it too mucheven that morning before,
because I knew if I thoughtabout it too much that I
probably wasn't going to gothrough with it, like I would
think myself out of it.
You know how, like sometimeswhen you take a picture and it's
like a good picture, but thenyou look at it too much and you
(17:23):
find like insecurities withinthe photo.
That's like the kind of logicthat I feel like I have
sometimes with decisions, likeif I think about it too much,
then I'll think myself out of it.
But I mentioned it to her andshe was like do it, like it's
just hair, like it'll grow back.
And so I was looking atdifferent barbershops and I was
like, okay, like I found onethat I liked and I was like,
maybe I'll go here to get myhaircut off.
And I I decided on thisbarbershop because, number one,
(17:45):
it had good google reviews.
But I was on their website andthey also had photos of women
like getting their haircut andtheir haircuts.
And I was like, okay, and itwas the only one, the only
barbershop that I found that hadphotos of women or women in the
comments being like I'm a womanand they cut my hair really
well.
So I was like, okay, we'll goto this one.
So I had called them thatmorning, saturday morning, to
(18:08):
see if I needed an appointment.
And they didn't answer thephone.
But I got like an immediateresponse like, oh, like, just
text me.
So I texted and I was like, hey, like I wanted to come in and
get my hair cut, like do I needan appointment?
Do you guys take walk-ins, like?
And she responded and she waslike you can do a walk-in, or if
you want to do an appointment,you can do an appointment.
And I had seen, like the reviewsand I was specifically looking
(18:29):
at the reviews from women andthey were saying like, oh, I got
my hair cut by Mario, like he'sa great barber.
Da, da, da, da da.
So I texted her and I was likeis Mario in today?
Like I'd like to make anappointment with Mario.
And she gave me Mario andanother man's number, um, but I
texted Mario and I was like hey,like I want to come in for a
haircut.
Like do you have anyavailability today?
(18:50):
And he was like yeah, I haveavailability today.
Like what are you looking for?
And I responded and I said oh,I just want like a clean shave,
like I want to go fully bald.
And he was like okay, 3, 30,like just gave me a time and I
slow down, like I need toprepare for this a little bit,
um.
And so I was like like I'm notavailable at that time, like can
we do a little bit later?
Like 7, 7, 30, and he was likeokay, sounds good, so at this
(19:14):
point it's like 12 in theafternoon, I think, somewhere
around there.
And so that gave me like sevenhours to prepare.
And so that gave me like sevenhours to prepare.
And so I came home after hangingout with my friends and I
washed my hair and I was justlike sitting with my thoughts
and with myself and again, I wastrying not to think about it
too much because I knew if Ithought about it I would think
(19:38):
myself out of it.
And so I was looking online andI was watching videos of black
women doing big chops and liketheir hair going back because
I'm not gonna lie.
Like I was looking online and Iwas watching videos of black
women doing big chops and liketheir hair growing back Because
I'm not going to lie like I wasscared.
I was like how long is it goingto take for me to grow my hair
back?
Like it was just I had a lot ofthoughts running through my
hair.
My anxiety was at an all timehigh.
The group chat was bumping andI was like mute in the group
(20:00):
chat.
Like I was just like I need tolike not speak to anybody
because I felt like if I saidanything or talk too much, like
I would just talk or thinkmyself out of it.
And I was trying really hardnot to think myself out of it
because I had asked for a sign.
Oh wait, I let me go back alittle bit because I completely
forgot to.
To put this part in there.
I had been feeling for the lastcouple of months that my
(20:23):
personal growth had becomestagnant.
Like in the past couple ofyears I've done a lot of work
internally with, like, myemotional regulation, my
communication skills, my owninternalized racism and anti
blackness, but for some reason Ifelt like I wasn't improving
and so I would never say thatI'm a Christian.
(20:44):
But I definitely have arelationship with God and I pray
and I talk to him, and you know, I was raised in the church,
which is why I will never sayI'm a Christian, because, anyway
, that's a conversation foranother day.
Moral of the story I have arelationship with God and so I
was laying in bed on Tuesday,the Tuesday before the Saturday
that I got my haircut off and I.
And so I was laying in bed onTuesday, the Tuesday before the
(21:05):
Saturday that I got my haircutoff, and I was praying.
I was saying to God, like you,you know, for the past couple of
months, like I felt like I'mnot really going anywhere.
My, my personal growth feelsstagnant.
What do I need to do to getback on this journey of
improving myself?
Because I feel like personalgrowth is a lifelong journey,
(21:26):
like there's always things thatwe need to be learning or
unlearning to grow as people,and I felt like I wasn't doing
that.
So I prayed and I asked for asign for what I needed to do to
help kickstart my personalgrowth journey again.
And that night I had a dream andI was in my childhood pastor's
home.
Now, again, like I just said, Iwas raised very heavily in the
(21:47):
church, and while a lot of thepeople in the church are not
seeing the pearly gates, mychildhood pastor is exactly who
God has called her to be.
Like the people in the churchthat I grew up in, they may not
be seeing the pearly gates, butthey're.
It's not because of her Like.
She is exactly who God hasintended her to be.
(22:08):
And so I was in her house and Icouldn't see like around me,
but like my hair was being likeshaved off.
And I woke up the next morningand I was like surely that's not
the sign.
Like that's not, that's notwhat I'm being told that I need
to do.
Like I was, I was trying tolike ignore the very clear sign
(22:33):
that god was giving me.
So I was on tiktok scrollingand I kept seeing videos of
either women who were bald orwomen who were talking about
their hair growth journey ordifferent things like that.
And again I was like, surelythis is not, this can't be the
sign.
Because I was still.
I was still very scared, even upuntil I was in the chair
(22:54):
getting my head shaved.
I was still terrified of beingbald, and I knew that most of
that fear just came fromanti-blackness and internalized
racism, but I was still scarednonetheless.
Like two things can be true atonce.
You know what I mean.
But eventually, like I justkept getting these signs all
week and I was like, yeah, thisis, this is God telling me that
(23:18):
I need to go shave my head.
And so, like I was sayingearlier, I texted this, this
barber and, you know, set theappointment.
And so, after I got home frombrunch with friends, I washed my
.
Like I was saying earlier, Itexted this barber and, you know
, set the appointment.
And so, after I got home frombrunch with friends, I washed my
hair.
I was sitting in my room and Iwas scrolling on social media.
I was like watching differentvideos of women getting a big
chop and trying to see how longit took their hair to grow back,
because I was trying to gauge,like how long it would take me.
(23:40):
Because, again, I was still very, very scared and I was like I
don't know if I really want todo this.
And so it gets to the time thatyou know it's time for me to go
to the barber to get my haircutoff.
And as I'm walking to thebarber, I can like feel my heart
beating like in my ears, like Iwas just so, so nervous.
And so I walked into the barbershop and there was a man who
(24:02):
walked in behind me and I walkin and initially I don't say
anything, I'm just kind ofstanding there because I'm like
I don't really know what to do.
I'm terrified.
And so the man behind me iskind of looking at me like girl,
are you going to say something?
And I'm just standing there,like not saying anything.
So he walks around me and he'slike says to the workers they're
like hey, I just need like alineup and a trim or whatever.
(24:22):
And the guy's like, okay, likego to him.
Like you know he can help you.
And then he looks at me andhe's like hey, like can I help
you?
Because I'm still standingthere.
I haven't said a single wordsince I walked in.
So they're all looking at melike girl, are you okay, like,
can we help you?
And so I said to him Mario,like your 730 is here, and
(24:51):
Mario's looking at me.
He's like oh, and he like goesto tell the guy to like he has
to move because he didn't havean appointment.
But I was like, no, it's okay,like, take care of him first.
Because, number one, I stillneeded a little more time and
number two, more importantly, Iwanted to see how he cut his
hair, cause if he would havefucked his shit up, I would have
been like nevermind, I don'twant, I don't want this anymore.
(25:12):
Um, so I let him go first.
And he, he does a fine job.
He takes him like 10 minutes.
So I was like, okay, I guessit's my turn now.
And so I sit in the chair andhe's like you're the clean shave
?
And I was like yeah.
And so he looks at me and he'slike okay, like, show me
pictures of what you want.
And so I had already hadpictures queued up, because I
was looking at videos andpictures like before I got to
(25:36):
the shop.
And so I showed him pictures ofjust like bald black women and
I was like this, like this iswhat I, I want.
And so he's like okay, so hestarts getting everything ready,
whatever, whatever, and he justimmediately starts shaving my
head.
And I love, I love that hedidn't ask me too many questions
, because if he would have keptasking me too many questions and
(25:59):
not have just done it, Iprobably would have just been
like never mind, like I wouldhave thought about it too much.
But he immediately just startsshaving my head and, like I said
, the second he started shavingand then with every stroke of
the razor after it was like Icould feel the weights and the
shackles just like falling offof me.
It was the most freeing feelingin the entire world and he's
(26:23):
shaving my head.
We're not having anyconversation, I'm just kind of
sitting there and he's justshaving my head and it was just
like.
I wish I could describe it, butit's truly like.
It was like an indescribablefeeling.
But, like with every everyshave, it was just like the less
anyone's expectations oranyone's feelings, or anyone's
(26:46):
just like the less anyone'sexpectations or anyone's
feelings or anyone's like itjust it didn't matter anymore,
it just didn't matter to me.
And so he shaves my head.
Um, I pay him it was literally25 to get my head shaved, like
men have it so easy.
Anyway, conversation for anotherday.
So I pay him and then I go toleave the shop and it is pouring
down rain like nasty puddleseverywhere, because the sewage
(27:07):
draining in in New York City isterrible.
But anyway, pouring down rainlike the nastiest puddles
everywhere and I just felt somuch joy, like I had the biggest
smile on my face.
There's people rushing aroundlike grunting, angry because of
the rain and I was just sofucking happy, like biggest
(27:33):
smile on my face, like the dumbgrin.
You know what I mean.
And so I get home and I justlook at myself in the mirror.
I'm standing in front of themirror and I am just like.
I wish that I had better wordsto explain it, but I just felt a
joy that I have never felt inmy entire life, a freedom that I
have never felt in my entirelife.
Like and like I said, it waslike an instantaneous joy and
(27:56):
freedom.
Like the second my hair wasgone.
It was just like I'm free, likethat.
I don't know how that's thebest way I can explain it, it's
just, I just felt so free and itwas just like truly everything
just like clicked for me, likeit all made sense just how
little hair matters and and Iput so much pressure and weight
(28:17):
on myself because of my hairLike it was the thing that
mattered more to me thananything.
And once it was gone, I wasfinally able to see just how
ridiculous that is and just howlittle it mattered.
Like your hair does not defineyour beauty.
Nothing really does.
The only thing that reallymatters is how you view yourself
(28:40):
and how you perceive yourself,and I think that that's why it
was so freeing to me, because Iput so much of the perception of
other people into my hair.
Just because of that's where alot of my internalized racism
and anti-blackness was, andthat's how I felt pretty in
quotes in society was when myhair was straight or covered up
(29:02):
or whatever.
And once it was just like I Idon't have that to fall back on
anymore.
It was like an instant click,that like I never needed that to
fall back on in the first placeyou know what I mean Like I am
beautiful and exactly who Ithink I am, with or without hair
, and that's what I feel like itwas.
For me was my hair was the waythat I conformed to society's
(29:25):
standards of beauty.
And again, that was rooted inanti-blackness and racism, and
once it was gone, it was justclear to me that it didn't
matter, like none of it matters,and it also made me think about
how stupid racism is.
Like this is my natural self.
(29:46):
This is how I was born.
This is the hair that grows outof my head, the features that I
was born with.
Why does that bother you?
Why do you care?
Why do you hold that to such ahigh regard?
Like this is what I was bornwith.
You know what I mean.
Like I feel, like it's what I'msaying.
I don't know how to word it ina way that it'll make sense, and
(30:07):
maybe that's why I can't findthe words for it, because it
doesn't make sense.
Right, like this is.
This is who I am.
Why are you mad about who I am?
How does me being me affectyour life in any way?
You know what I mean.
And the second I shaved all myhair off.
It all just clicked and I feellike once that really clicks for
you is the most freeing thingin the world and genuinely none
(30:31):
of it matters.
No one else's perceptionsmatter.
The only one that matters is myown, and to me.
I am exactly who I think I am.
I am that girl.
I am powerful, I am strong, Iam beautiful, like I am exactly
who I think I am and that isgenuinely all that matters and
that's all that should matter,and that is like just the most
(30:53):
freeing thing in the world.
And, like I said, there are somany black women who I know can
relate to what I'm saying, whichis so incredibly unfortunate,
and I just want y'all to know,like none of it matters.
It literally none of it matters.
It literally none of it matters.
The only thing that matters ishow you view yourself and as
long as you know exactly who youare, that is all that matters.
(31:14):
Period, the end.
Like.
So I say all this to say I trulyhave never felt more beautiful
or more free in my entire lifethan I feel right now.
And that's just like a crazything for me to even think,
because, again, being bald waslike one of my biggest fears.
(31:34):
It was something that I alwaysknew, that I kind of wanted to
do, but never really thoughtthat I would ever get to this
place where I would actually doit.
And now that I've done it, I'mjust like why did I waste so
much time being afraid.
You know what I mean.
Like fear is the thing that Ifeel like holds a lot of people
back from doing things that theywant to do, and you truly never
(31:56):
know how something will turnout until you do it.
And something as little as hairlike it's hair it'll grow back.
If it doesn't grow back, youcan get a wig like you know what
I mean like it's just somethingthat doesn't matter so much.
So the fact that I put so muchpressure on myself and on it is
like it feels silly to me now,but I'm just happy that I I did
(32:17):
it and I don't know what thefuture holds with my hair.
Like, like, people keep askingme like, am I going to be bald
forever?
Am I going to let my hair growout?
At the moment, I am letting itgrow out, um, but I mean, we'll
see what happens.
I think that it feels like forme, like as my hair grows, it'll
help me grow more personallyand work on myself, and I can
(32:40):
also learn my natural hair fromscratch.
You know what I mean.
Like, yes, again, it was reallyhelpful for me to cut off
little by little and and get tomy natural hair that way.
But I feel like this, like notonly am I gonna grow personally,
like, but like obviously myhair is gonna grow too and I can
grow and hopefully, fingerscrossed, one day learning how to
(33:03):
do hair, because, oh, it's thesecond I learn how to do hair.
I swear it's over for you,bitches.
I'm just really excited andhappy to see where this journey
takes me.
And if you needed a sign to dothe big job, girl, do it like
literally it does not matter.
And even if you cut your hairoff and it ends up being
something that you don't like,it'll grow back and in the
(33:25):
meantime, you could just wearwigs or you know whatever.
Like there's other things thatyou could do.
So I'm I'm really happy again.
I feel like I've collected mylast infinity stone, like I am
the most powerful person in theworld right now.
Like that's how I feel and I'mjust really excited for this
journey.
And, of course, I'm excited tobring you guys along with me too
.
(33:47):
And yeah, I just, if you neededa sign to cut all your hair off,
just do it.
It like it literally does notmatter, it truly is hair.
It'll grow back, everythingwill be fine and again, I know
like that's easier said thandone, because up until the point
where I was in that chair, Iwas my anxiety was at an all
time high.
But now, being on the otherside of it, like it doesn't
(34:10):
matter, it'll grow back andeverything will be OK.
And not only will it grow back,but it also gives you the
opportunity to grow with it as aperson.
You know what I mean Likepersonally, and that's what life
is about.
It's just like growing andconstantly evolving and being a
better person.
So if you needed a sign to cutall your hair off, this is it.
(34:31):
It's just, it's truly just thefreest I've ever felt in my
entire life and I'm just reallyexcited to see where this
journey goes.
So thank you guys for tuninginto today's episode.
Shameless plug.
Also, I'm wearing my merch.
If you would like to get somemerch, I have baby tees, hoodies
, sweatshirts and so much moreover at shopdationabrielcom so
(34:54):
you can check that out there.
I'm also working on differentdesigns for merch, so those will
be available.
I don't want to say soon, butin the future those will be
available.
So keep a lookout on thewebsite.
I hope everyone is having agood day, except for that orange
drink, lady, and I will talk toyou in the next episode.
Peace and love.
Talk to you later.
The Napkin in Between, hostedby Daijné Jones, produced by
(35:14):
Daijné Jones, post-production byDaijné Jones, music by Sam
Champagne and graphics by IsmaVidal.
Don't forget to like andsubscribe.
See you next episode.
Is this thing on?
Hello, hello, uh-oh, anotheryapper with a mic.
Hello everyone and welcome backto The Napkin In Between
podcast.
I am your host, Daijné Jones.
Y'all, we're so back.
(00:23):
Last week was so weird for menot having a podcast episode
come out, like I don't know.
I feel like I've gotten intothis routine for the last couple
of months of like filming apodcast episode, editing it,
putting it up, you know,whatever, and I didn't have to
do that last week and it's justbeen so weird.
But I was fighting for my lifelast week and I just wasn't
(00:47):
feeling well, so I didn't film apodcast episode.
And it's crazy because, like,initially I thought it was
allergies and I was like, oh, mygod, my allergies are really
bad right now.
And then it just kept feelingworse and worse and worse and I
was like, yeah, I don't thinkthis is allergies.
So I took the week off to, youknow, take care of myself, and
all that good shit.
But I'm feeling so much betternow and we're back.
(01:08):
We're so back and I'm soexcited to be back.
Jumping right in with the peakof my week, I saw the "Sinners
movie, which, if you haven'tseen it yet, honestly, what are
you doing with your life?
Go see it.
It is so good.
I don't want to say anyspoilers, because if people
haven't seen it again, if youhaven't seen it, what actually
are you doing with your life?
(01:28):
But I loved every single partof that movie.
There were so many parts that Iwas just like yes, like no, no,
10 out of 10.
Yes, some of my favorite parts,without saying too much and
spoiling it Annie, love her,love her so bad.
And I'm seeing people onlinetalking about how they were
(01:52):
confused, that she was the loveinterest and that she looked
like their mom.
And you guys are actually soclose.
That's just your mammificationof heavy set, dark skinned black
women.
Yeah, hope that helps.
In no fucking world Does thatwoman look like their mother,
like.
Can we please be so Fucking forreal, your brain has just Been
(02:14):
wired so when you see A heavyset, dark skinned black woman,
you immediately think of her asa mammy.
That's something that we allneed to work on, cause there's
just no way that y'all reallyThought that that was their mom.
They literally all look thesame age.
What are we talking about?
Anyway, I loved her character somuch and I love the way that
the director portrayed her likenumber one.
(02:36):
Nobody questioned her when shesaid shit in the movie.
They were like okay.
And I love that because listento black women.
Like we know what the fuckwe're talking about.
And it was so refreshing to seethe other characters just be
like okay, like you know she,she knows what she's talking
about.
We all just need to listen toher.
It wasn't no type of back talk,like I just love that.
(02:59):
They were all just like okay,what what she says?
If she peeps this shit, then itmust be correct.
Loved that.
I also loved the nativeamericans in the movie.
Again, I don't okay, there mightbe a spoiler, so if you haven't
seen it, like skip ahead orsomething I don't know.
But when they came to the housethat remick had ran into for
safety and they were like hey,like there's this man running
(03:20):
around.
He's not what he appears to be,and the white people didn't
believe them.
And then he peeped that klanhood and he said y'all got it,
y'all got it.
He was not doing too much, hewas not trying to convince him
of anything.
He said I'm gonna tell y'allthis one good time.
And if y'all don't listen,that's on y'all.
And I love that because, at theend of the day, there are people
(03:43):
who are going to have to beleft behind.
Ok, we need to be a lot moreHarriet Tubman and a lot less
George Bush.
Some people cannot go where weare going and they're stuck in
wherever place they are, and weneed to leave them where they
are at.
And I love that because, like,that's just the energy and the
mode that I have been onrecently.
It's like I'm going to explainthis to you one good time and if
(04:06):
you don't get it, that is onyou.
You, that is your choice.
So now you're gonna have todeal with the consequences of
those choices.
Like I, it don't.
You don't even take all thattalking.
I'm not with all that talkinganymore.
Like, I'm gonna say this to youone time and if you don't get
it, okay, that's.
I'm gonna leave you where youat.
You got it.
That's all.
I'm going to say this to youone time and if you don't get it
, okay, that's.
I'm going to leave you whereyou at.
You got it.
That's all I'm going to say.
(04:27):
I don't want to say too muchbecause I really don't want to
spoil it, but there were so manyother parts I loved about the
movie.
Sammy loved him, not for thereason that y'all love him, like
a lot of y'all was freaked out.
Michael B Jordan okay, wait, wehave to talk about Michael B
(04:47):
Jordan.
His range as an actor is insane.
The fact that he was playingtwo characters in this movie and
they were both vastly differentcharacters insane.
He's just so good at his joband that just makes him so much
hotter to me, like yeah, he'sobviously a very attractive man,
but the fact that you're justlike good at your job and he
just seems so charismatic andlike down to earth, so hot, like
(05:09):
he just great actor, loved himin the movie too.
Hailee Steinfeld was also great.
I had only ever seen her inpitch perfect.
So her character in sinners andthe character in pitch perfect
two vastly different characters.
Like she was like goofy, quirkyand pitch perfect, but she also
has some range as an actress,which I really really like.
That was cool.
(05:30):
And then I loved the comedicrelief characters too, like
Cornbread and Delta Slim, whichDelta Slim is the same man who
was in that interview with thosewhite men who were like, oh,
rappers can say the n-word, butwhen a white man says it like
it's an issue.
He is the man from theinterview who was like, so, say
it, like, say the words you wantto say.
And I didn't realize that untilI got on tiktok.
(05:51):
But I love him.
I've loved him from that momentand he was just.
I loved his comedic reliefcharacter in the movie as well,
as well as cornbread he was.
He was really, really good too.
He's really funny.
Um, it was just a good movieall around.
It was a really really goodmovie.
The message behind the movie itdove into a deeper topic that I
fear a lot of people aren'tready for is that, like the
(06:16):
christian faith that is studiedis it was made by white people
and it was made by white peopleto, in parts, justify their
white supremacy and make peoplefeel OK with slavery.
And it's a conversation thaty'all aren't ready for.
So we're not going to get intoit too deep.
But yeah, anyways, just gowatch the movie because it's a
(06:39):
really good movie.
But that was definitely thepeak of my week was just
watching that movie and I wantto go see it again.
I've seen it it once so far,but I feel like I need to see
movies several times because,especially a movie like Sinners,
like I know, there were so manyparts in that movie that I
probably missed um, so I do dowant to go see it again and if
you haven't seen it, definitelygo see it, because it was a
really good movie.
(07:00):
I want to hear the peak of yourweek.
Tell me me something that madeyou smile, kept you grounded,
kept you sane in the chaos thatis the world right now,
segwaying into what I feel likehas been truly the peak of my
life.
I am a bald baddie.
I am one of your newest baldbaddies.
I have always known that atsome point in my life I was
(07:20):
going to go bald, but part of mewas always afraid to do it.
But now that I have finallydone it and I am bald, I'm like
kicking myself in the ass that Iit took me so long to go bald
Like this has been the mostfreeing thing.
It's only been a week since Ichopped all my hair off, but it
has genuinely been the mostfreeing thing that I've ever
(07:43):
done.
Number one, the most freeingthing that I've ever done.
But it was like instantaneousfreedom.
Like the second, I was baldlike, not even fully bald, like
just one strip of hair was gone.
I immediately was like, oh, Ihave unlocked the greatest
character that I could have everunlocked.
I have collected my lastinfinity stone.
Like I am unstoppable at thispoint and I feel like at least
(08:09):
for me personally I was alwaysso afraid to go bald because I
felt like I had a really bigattachment to my hair which was
very rooted in my owninternalized anti-blackness and
racism, and so that's the reasonthat I knew that eventually
that I was always going to wantto go bald, but like it was
always such a scary thought forme and sadly I know that a lot
(08:31):
of black women relate to that aswell but truly, if you have
ever considered going bald, ifyou have ever thought about
doing the big chop, 10 out of 10recommend this is truly the
freest that I've ever felt in myentire life.
So let's start from the verybeginning and I've talked about
this a little bit on the pod butgrowing up I had a very
(08:52):
complicated relationship with myhair.
It's not that my hair was everdemeaned, I mean, in some ways
it was like I was called likenappy headed and different
things like that.
So I don't ever want to likeknock that, because that is
still a very negative way tospeak about natural 4c hair.
I just mean that it could havebeen much worse.
Like I, I understand that thethe ridicule that I got for my
(09:15):
hair was very light, but assomeone who grew up and my
confidence was rooted in otherpeople and their perceptions of
me, I was only ever complimentedon my hair when it was braided
or straight or like when Ieventually started getting
permed.
I got a lot of compliments onmy hair.
So, again, because myconfidence was rooted in other
(09:35):
people's perceptions of me andthat was the only way that my
hair was ever complimented likeI was constantly wearing braids,
constantly wearing sew-ins,constantly perming my hair, like
I felt like that's what Ineeded to feel pretty.
And so eventually, in 2019, andI've done an episode on this, if
you haven't seen it yet, it'sin my episode it's called what
Radicalized Me, so I don't wantto talk about it too much
(09:57):
because this is a conversationthat I've already had but in
2019, I eventually stoppedgetting perms.
But leading up to 2019, I wasgetting perms every six weeks
for like a year and a half.
Like the end.
Like thinking about that now.
That's insane.
Like that's the craziest thingin the world to me that I was
(10:18):
putting so much pressure onmyself from my own internalized
racism and anti blackness that Iwas going to get perms every
six weeks.
Like every month and a half Iwas in the salon chair getting a
perm.
Needless to say, it fried myhair.
Like my hair was so damaged andit got to the point where my
(10:39):
hairdresser was like I'm notgiving you any more perms and
like that's when you know it'sreally bad.
Like when your hairdresser theperson that you're paying like
that's how she makes money andshe's like, yeah, I'm not doing
this anymore, that's how youknow it was bad.
So she suggested back in 2019that I do a big job, and I was
like absolutely not, because Icould not fathom me being bald.
(11:01):
Like being bald was like trulyone of the scariest things in
the world to me, because I wasso attached to my hair and I
felt like I needed my hair to bepretty, and so I was like I'm
not gonna do the big chop.
Now again, I'm kicking myself inthe ass because, like, just the
freedom that has come with mecutting all of my hair off has
(11:22):
just been like I can't evendescribe it, it's just the best
feeling in the world.
But at the time I was like, no,I'm not going to do a big chop.
So I cut off most of my hair,but I still kept some of it, and
so then I would go every sooften and we would cut off a
little bit, little bit by little.
Um wasn't getting relaxersanymore and was cutting off and
(11:42):
eventually all of my hair wasjust my natural hair and while
that was a very freeing process,I still feel like deep down I
always knew that eventually,like in order to be completely
free, that I would want to orneed to go completely bald
eventually.
But even so, like that processwas still very freeing and I was
able to learn you know how tobetter take care of my natural
(12:04):
hair.
And for the first time I feltlike I was able to learn you
know how to better take care ofmy natural hair and for the
first time I felt like I waspretty with my natural hair.
But I was still very much likein the shackles of my
internalized racism andanti-blackness because, yes, I
was wearing my natural hair more, but I was still getting braids
a lot of the time, or wearingsew-ins or clip-ins or like just
(12:27):
anything to like hide mynatural hair like I was wearing
it, but I was still very muchhiding it.
So I'm going through thisprocess of, you know, trying to
be more comfortable with mynatural hair while
simultaneously trying to hide it.
And while my hair was doingbetter like it was, it was
flourishing more, for sure, butthe fact that I was still like
adding, you know, these clip-insor braids or whatever, I wasn't
(12:49):
giving my hair enough of abreak and so, because I wasn't
giving it a break, it was verymuch still breaking off, like
especially my edges.
Um, I was still putting a lotof tension styles on my edges
and different things like that.
So I I noticed that my edgeswere like leaving it's, like
they were like, okay, you're notgonna give us a break, then
we're just gonna give ourselvesa break and break the fuck off.
(13:09):
You know what I mean.
And so eventually I was like,okay, like I, I really do need
to give myself a break.
And that was by this time I wasliving in Atlanta and I thought
about cutting all of my hair off, like going bald, but I was
still like can't do that yet,like I just wasn't there.
I wasn't there and so I startedwearing my natural hair more of
(13:30):
just like I would wear, like myafro or different things like
that.
And at that same time was whenI was nannying Callie and also
started posting on social media.
I've talked about this.
You know, posting on socialmedia and nannying Callie were
both things that really helpedme to unlearn a lot of my
anti-blackness and, um,internalized racism, like those
(13:50):
two things were the things thatreally catapulted me into really
unpacking my anti-blackness andinternalized racism.
And when I started to reallyunpack all of it, I realized
that like 80% of it was in myhair.
And then, after Atlanta I waswhen I moved to New York City
and I met my roommate Teliea,who is one of my best friends
(14:12):
now, but her and I would talk alot about, you know, wanting to
shave our hair off and goingbald, and they were little
conversations here and there,and then I would also also.
So I was starting to try to doother styles other than like my
afro, um, and I was trying to dolike two strand twists and flat
(14:32):
twists and different thingslike that.
And when I would do the flattwist, which is what I noticed
worked better for me.
My hair is is very fine, um,and so the two strand twist just
didn't work for me.
Personally.
I I found that on my hair theflat twist worked better.
But I would do the flat twistand I was kind of subconsciously
(14:54):
at first I didn't realize this,but subconsciously I was using
this as a way to like get usedto seeing myself with no hair,
because, like when my hair wasflat twisted, it was like
completely like twisted down andI couldn't see my hair as much
and I was.
I could literally just see myface and I don't know how to
explain it.
I don't know if that reallyeven makes sense, but it was
(15:15):
just like a way for me to kindof get used to just seeing my
face, but I would see myselflike that.
I'd be like wait, like this iskind of tea.
And then I started doing styleson social media because like I
just I can't do hair.
I have watched so many YouTubevideos, I have tried so many
(15:36):
things and it's just like, it'sjust not a gift that I have and
I feel like that's God's way ofkeeping me humble, like he knew
if he gave me the gift of beingable to do hair.
It would very well be over foryou bitches like like, y'all
can't tell me shit now anyway,regardless, but y'all really
couldn't tell me shit if I knewhow to do hair.
But I started doing my haironline because I wanted more
(15:57):
tips and different things likethat, and I would always get
comments especially when my hairwas flat twisted and I would be
taking out my flat twist ofpeople being like, oh, like, you
should try a pixie cut, or Icould see you being bald, or
different things like that.
And I'm not gonna lie, likethat was kind of a confidence
boost for me too.
Like, okay, like, because Ifelt that way, but it's like, I
(16:18):
don't know, it was just like itwas a co-sign.
You know what I mean.
Like, okay, they see you too.
And so, leading up to Saturday,when I decided to chop all of
my hair off, I was thinkingabout it all week and that week
I had also posted a video of medoing my hair, and so I was
getting um comments of like, oh,like you should try pixie cut,
or I could see you with a lowfade.
(16:41):
And Saturday morning, I wassitting in my living room and
Teliea came into the kitchen andyou know, we greeted each other
like, hey, how are you doingwhatever, whatever?
And I said to her like I thinkI'm gonna make a really big
change today.
And she's like, what do youmean?
And I was like like I think I'mgonna go bald.
And she was like really, andlike we had again we had talked
about it before.
(17:01):
But I was like, yeah, like Ithink I, I think I just want to
cut all my hair off.
And I had.
I didn't think about it too mucheven that morning before,
because I knew if I thoughtabout it too much that I
probably wasn't going to gothrough with it, like I would
think myself out of it.
You know how, like sometimeswhen you take a picture and it's
like a good picture, but thenyou look at it too much and you
(17:23):
find like insecurities withinthe photo.
That's like the kind of logicthat I feel like I have
sometimes with decisions, likeif I think about it too much,
then I'll think myself out of it.
But I mentioned it to her andshe was like do it, like it's
just hair, like it'll grow back.
And so I was looking atdifferent barbershops and I was
like, okay, like I found onethat I liked and I was like,
maybe I'll go here to get myhaircut off.
And I I decided on thisbarbershop because, number one,
(17:45):
it had good google reviews.
But I was on their website andthey also had photos of women
like getting their haircut andtheir haircuts.
And I was like, okay, and itwas the only one, the only
barbershop that I found that hadphotos of women or women in the
comments being like I'm a womanand they cut my hair really
well.
So I was like, okay, we'll goto this one.
So I had called them thatmorning, saturday morning, to
(18:08):
see if I needed an appointment.
And they didn't answer thephone.
But I got like an immediateresponse like, oh, like, just
text me.
So I texted and I was like, hey, like I wanted to come in and
get my hair cut, like do I needan appointment?
Do you guys take walk-ins, like?
And she responded and she waslike you can do a walk-in, or if
you want to do an appointment,you can do an appointment.
And I had seen, like the reviewsand I was specifically looking
(18:29):
at the reviews from women andthey were saying like, oh, I got
my hair cut by Mario, like he'sa great barber.
Da, da, da, da da.
So I texted her and I was likeis Mario in today?
Like I'd like to make anappointment with Mario.
And she gave me Mario andanother man's number, um, but I
texted Mario and I was like hey,like I want to come in for a
haircut.
Like do you have anyavailability today?
(18:50):
And he was like yeah, I haveavailability today.
Like what are you looking for?
And I responded and I said oh,I just want like a clean shave,
like I want to go fully bald.
And he was like okay, 3, 30,like just gave me a time and I
slow down, like I need toprepare for this a little bit,
um.
And so I was like like I'm notavailable at that time, like can
we do a little bit later?
Like 7, 7, 30, and he was likeokay, sounds good, so at this
(19:14):
point it's like 12 in theafternoon, I think, somewhere
around there.
And so that gave me like sevenhours to prepare.
And so that gave me like sevenhours to prepare.
And so I came home after hangingout with my friends and I
washed my hair and I was justlike sitting with my thoughts
and with myself and again, I wastrying not to think about it
too much because I knew if Ithought about it I would think
(19:38):
myself out of it.
And so I was looking online andI was watching videos of black
women doing big chops and liketheir hair going back because
I'm not gonna lie.
Like I was looking online and Iwas watching videos of black
women doing big chops and liketheir hair growing back Because
I'm not going to lie like I wasscared.
I was like how long is it goingto take for me to grow my hair
back?
Like it was just I had a lot ofthoughts running through my
hair.
My anxiety was at an all timehigh.
The group chat was bumping andI was like mute in the group
(20:00):
chat.
Like I was just like I need tolike not speak to anybody
because I felt like if I saidanything or talk too much, like
I would just talk or thinkmyself out of it.
And I was trying really hardnot to think myself out of it
because I had asked for a sign.
Oh wait, I let me go back alittle bit because I completely
forgot to.
To put this part in there.
I had been feeling for the lastcouple of months that my
(20:23):
personal growth had becomestagnant.
Like in the past couple ofyears I've done a lot of work
internally with, like, myemotional regulation, my
communication skills, my owninternalized racism and anti
blackness, but for some reason Ifelt like I wasn't improving
and so I would never say thatI'm a Christian.
(20:44):
But I definitely have arelationship with God and I pray
and I talk to him, and you know, I was raised in the church,
which is why I will never sayI'm a Christian, because, anyway
, that's a conversation foranother day.
Moral of the story I have arelationship with God and so I
was laying in bed on Tuesday,the Tuesday before the Saturday
that I got my haircut off and I.
And so I was laying in bed onTuesday, the Tuesday before the
(21:05):
Saturday that I got my haircutoff, and I was praying.
I was saying to God, like you,you know, for the past couple of
months, like I felt like I'mnot really going anywhere.
My, my personal growth feelsstagnant.
What do I need to do to getback on this journey of
improving myself?
Because I feel like personalgrowth is a lifelong journey,
(21:26):
like there's always things thatwe need to be learning or
unlearning to grow as people,and I felt like I wasn't doing
that.
So I prayed and I asked for asign for what I needed to do to
help kickstart my personalgrowth journey again.
And that night I had a dream andI was in my childhood pastor's
home.
Now, again, like I just said, Iwas raised very heavily in the
(21:47):
church, and while a lot of thepeople in the church are not
seeing the pearly gates, mychildhood pastor is exactly who
God has called her to be.
Like the people in the churchthat I grew up in, they may not
be seeing the pearly gates, butthey're.
It's not because of her Like.
She is exactly who God hasintended her to be.
(22:08):
And so I was in her house and Icouldn't see like around me,
but like my hair was being likeshaved off.
And I woke up the next morningand I was like surely that's not
the sign.
Like that's not, that's notwhat I'm being told that I need
to do.
Like I was, I was trying tolike ignore the very clear sign
(22:33):
that god was giving me.
So I was on tiktok scrollingand I kept seeing videos of
either women who were bald orwomen who were talking about
their hair growth journey ordifferent things like that.
And again I was like, surelythis is not, this can't be the
sign.
Because I was still.
I was still very scared, even upuntil I was in the chair
(22:54):
getting my head shaved.
I was still terrified of beingbald, and I knew that most of
that fear just came fromanti-blackness and internalized
racism, but I was still scarednonetheless.
Like two things can be true atonce.
You know what I mean.
But eventually, like I justkept getting these signs all
week and I was like, yeah, thisis, this is God telling me that
(23:18):
I need to go shave my head.
And so, like I was sayingearlier, I texted this, this
barber and, you know, set theappointment.
And so, after I got home frombrunch with friends, I washed my
.
Like I was saying earlier, Itexted this barber and, you know
, set the appointment.
And so, after I got home frombrunch with friends, I washed my
hair.
I was sitting in my room and Iwas scrolling on social media.
I was like watching differentvideos of women getting a big
chop and trying to see how longit took their hair to grow back,
because I was trying to gauge,like how long it would take me.
(23:40):
Because, again, I was still very, very scared and I was like I
don't know if I really want todo this.
And so it gets to the time thatyou know it's time for me to go
to the barber to get my haircutoff.
And as I'm walking to thebarber, I can like feel my heart
beating like in my ears, like Iwas just so, so nervous.
And so I walked into the barbershop and there was a man who
(24:02):
walked in behind me and I walkin and initially I don't say
anything, I'm just kind ofstanding there because I'm like
I don't really know what to do.
I'm terrified.
And so the man behind me iskind of looking at me like girl,
are you going to say something?
And I'm just standing there,like not saying anything.
So he walks around me and he'slike says to the workers they're
like hey, I just need like alineup and a trim or whatever.
(24:22):
And the guy's like, okay, likego to him.
Like you know he can help you.
And then he looks at me andhe's like hey, like can I help
you?
Because I'm still standingthere.
I haven't said a single wordsince I walked in.
So they're all looking at melike girl, are you okay, like,
can we help you?
And so I said to him Mario,like your 730 is here, and
(24:51):
Mario's looking at me.
He's like oh, and he like goesto tell the guy to like he has
to move because he didn't havean appointment.
But I was like, no, it's okay,like, take care of him first.
Because, number one, I stillneeded a little more time and
number two, more importantly, Iwanted to see how he cut his
hair, cause if he would havefucked his shit up, I would have
been like nevermind, I don'twant, I don't want this anymore.
(25:12):
Um, so I let him go first.
And he, he does a fine job.
He takes him like 10 minutes.
So I was like, okay, I guessit's my turn now.
And so I sit in the chair andhe's like you're the clean shave
?
And I was like yeah.
And so he looks at me and he'slike okay, like, show me
pictures of what you want.
And so I had already hadpictures queued up, because I
was looking at videos andpictures like before I got to
(25:36):
the shop.
And so I showed him pictures ofjust like bald black women and
I was like this, like this iswhat I, I want.
And so he's like okay, so hestarts getting everything ready,
whatever, whatever, and he justimmediately starts shaving my
head.
And I love, I love that hedidn't ask me too many questions
, because if he would have keptasking me too many questions and
(25:59):
not have just done it, Iprobably would have just been
like never mind, like I wouldhave thought about it too much.
But he immediately just startsshaving my head and, like I said
, the second he started shavingand then with every stroke of
the razor after it was like Icould feel the weights and the
shackles just like falling offof me.
It was the most freeing feelingin the entire world and he's
(26:23):
shaving my head.
We're not having anyconversation, I'm just kind of
sitting there and he's justshaving my head and it was just
like.
I wish I could describe it, butit's truly like.
It was like an indescribablefeeling.
But, like with every everyshave, it was just like the less
anyone's expectations oranyone's feelings, or anyone's
(26:46):
just like the less anyone'sexpectations or anyone's
feelings or anyone's like itjust it didn't matter anymore,
it just didn't matter to me.
And so he shaves my head.
Um, I pay him it was literally25 to get my head shaved, like
men have it so easy.
Anyway, conversation for anotherday.
So I pay him and then I go toleave the shop and it is pouring
down rain like nasty puddleseverywhere, because the sewage
(27:07):
draining in in New York City isterrible.
But anyway, pouring down rainlike the nastiest puddles
everywhere and I just felt somuch joy, like I had the biggest
smile on my face.
There's people rushing aroundlike grunting, angry because of
the rain and I was just sofucking happy, like biggest
(27:33):
smile on my face, like the dumbgrin.
You know what I mean.
And so I get home and I justlook at myself in the mirror.
I'm standing in front of themirror and I am just like.
I wish that I had better wordsto explain it, but I just felt a
joy that I have never felt inmy entire life, a freedom that I
have never felt in my entirelife.
Like and like I said, it waslike an instantaneous joy and
(27:56):
freedom.
Like the second my hair wasgone.
It was just like I'm free, likethat.
I don't know how that's thebest way I can explain it, it's
just, I just felt so free and itwas just like truly everything
just like clicked for me, likeit all made sense just how
little hair matters and and Iput so much pressure and weight
(28:17):
on myself because of my hairLike it was the thing that
mattered more to me thananything.
And once it was gone, I wasfinally able to see just how
ridiculous that is and just howlittle it mattered.
Like your hair does not defineyour beauty.
Nothing really does.
The only thing that reallymatters is how you view yourself
(28:40):
and how you perceive yourself,and I think that that's why it
was so freeing to me, because Iput so much of the perception of
other people into my hair.
Just because of that's where alot of my internalized racism
and anti-blackness was, andthat's how I felt pretty in
quotes in society was when myhair was straight or covered up
(29:02):
or whatever.
And once it was just like I Idon't have that to fall back on
anymore.
It was like an instant click,that like I never needed that to
fall back on in the first placeyou know what I mean Like I am
beautiful and exactly who Ithink I am, with or without hair
, and that's what I feel like itwas.
For me was my hair was the waythat I conformed to society's
(29:25):
standards of beauty.
And again, that was rooted inanti-blackness and racism, and
once it was gone, it was justclear to me that it didn't
matter, like none of it matters,and it also made me think about
how stupid racism is.
Like this is my natural self.
(29:46):
This is how I was born.
This is the hair that grows outof my head, the features that I
was born with.
Why does that bother you?
Why do you care?
Why do you hold that to such ahigh regard?
Like this is what I was bornwith.
You know what I mean.
Like I feel, like it's what I'msaying.
I don't know how to word it ina way that it'll make sense, and
(30:07):
maybe that's why I can't findthe words for it, because it
doesn't make sense.
Right, like this is.
This is who I am.
Why are you mad about who I am?
How does me being me affectyour life in any way?
You know what I mean.
And the second I shaved all myhair off.
It all just clicked and I feellike once that really clicks for
you is the most freeing thingin the world and genuinely none
(30:31):
of it matters.
No one else's perceptionsmatter.
The only one that matters is myown, and to me.
I am exactly who I think I am.
I am that girl.
I am powerful, I am strong, Iam beautiful, like I am exactly
who I think I am and that isgenuinely all that matters and
that's all that should matter,and that is like just the most
(30:53):
freeing thing in the world.
And, like I said, there are somany black women who I know can
relate to what I'm saying, whichis so incredibly unfortunate,
and I just want y'all to know,like none of it matters.
It literally none of it matters.
It literally none of it matters.
The only thing that matters ishow you view yourself and as
long as you know exactly who youare, that is all that matters.
(31:14):
Period, the end.
Like.
So I say all this to say I trulyhave never felt more beautiful
or more free in my entire lifethan I feel right now.
And that's just like a crazything for me to even think,
because, again, being bald waslike one of my biggest fears.
(31:34):
It was something that I alwaysknew, that I kind of wanted to
do, but never really thoughtthat I would ever get to this
place where I would actually doit.
And now that I've done it, I'mjust like why did I waste so
much time being afraid.
You know what I mean.
Like fear is the thing that Ifeel like holds a lot of people
back from doing things that theywant to do, and you truly never
(31:56):
know how something will turnout until you do it.
And something as little as hairlike it's hair it'll grow back.
If it doesn't grow back, youcan get a wig like you know what
I mean like it's just somethingthat doesn't matter so much.
So the fact that I put so muchpressure on myself and on it is
like it feels silly to me now,but I'm just happy that I I did
(32:17):
it and I don't know what thefuture holds with my hair.
Like, like, people keep askingme like, am I going to be bald
forever?
Am I going to let my hair growout?
At the moment, I am letting itgrow out, um, but I mean, we'll
see what happens.
I think that it feels like forme, like as my hair grows, it'll
help me grow more personallyand work on myself, and I can
(32:40):
also learn my natural hair fromscratch.
You know what I mean.
Like, yes, again, it was reallyhelpful for me to cut off
little by little and and get tomy natural hair that way.
But I feel like this, like notonly am I gonna grow personally,
like, but like obviously myhair is gonna grow too and I can
grow and hopefully, fingerscrossed, one day learning how to
(33:03):
do hair, because, oh, it's thesecond I learn how to do hair.
I swear it's over for you,bitches.
I'm just really excited andhappy to see where this journey
takes me.
And if you needed a sign to dothe big job, girl, do it like
literally it does not matter.
And even if you cut your hairoff and it ends up being
something that you don't like,it'll grow back and in the
(33:25):
meantime, you could just wearwigs or you know whatever.
Like there's other things thatyou could do.
So I'm I'm really happy again.
I feel like I've collected mylast infinity stone, like I am
the most powerful person in theworld right now.
Like that's how I feel and I'mjust really excited for this
journey.
And, of course, I'm excited tobring you guys along with me too
.
(33:47):
And yeah, I just, if you neededa sign to cut all your hair off,
just do it.
It like it literally does notmatter, it truly is hair.
It'll grow back, everythingwill be fine and again, I know
like that's easier said thandone, because up until the point
where I was in that chair, Iwas my anxiety was at an all
time high.
But now, being on the otherside of it, like it doesn't
(34:10):
matter, it'll grow back andeverything will be OK.
And not only will it grow back,but it also gives you the
opportunity to grow with it as aperson.
You know what I mean Likepersonally, and that's what life
is about.
It's just like growing andconstantly evolving and being a
better person.
So if you needed a sign to cutall your hair off, this is it.
(34:31):
It's just, it's truly just thefreest I've ever felt in my
entire life and I'm just reallyexcited to see where this
journey goes.
So thank you guys for tuninginto today's episode.
Shameless plug.
Also, I'm wearing my merch.
If you would like to get somemerch, I have baby tees, hoodies
, sweatshirts and so much moreover at shopdationabrielcom so
(34:54):
you can check that out there.
I'm also working on differentdesigns for merch, so those will
be available.
I don't want to say soon, butin the future those will be
available.
So keep a lookout on thewebsite.
I hope everyone is having agood day, except for that orange
drink, lady, and I will talk toyou in the next episode.
Peace and love.
Talk to you later.
The Napkin in Between, hostedby Daijné Jones, produced by
(35:14):
Daijné Jones, post-production byDaijné Jones, music by Sam
Champagne and graphics by IsmaVidal.
Don't forget to like andsubscribe.
See you next episode.
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