February 25, 2025 • 43 mins
In this week's episode, I interview Steph Tuss.
Its a difficult balance at times - guilt of I should be working on the business it needs this, and I didn't get back to that person, then on the flip side we feel horrible if we work while in their presence! Have you ever felt that way? Me too; it can really make you feel overwhelmed!Steph goes over how not feel so much mom guilt and really hits the nail straight on the head of why we feel guilty in the first place!! Mommas this is one jammed packed episode on things we can be doing to help us out. This episode really helped me open my eyes and I hope that it will do the same for you!
EPISODE NOTES: https://kaseyclin.com/blogs/podcast/defeating-the-mom-guilt-and-discovering-our-inner-empowerment-with-steph-tuss
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey, steph, welcome on to the podcast, thank you,
thanks for having me.
I am so excited for thisepisode.
As I was telling you before Ihit record like this is a big
pain point for my audience ismom guilt.
You know we are moms who havekids who are trying to juggle it
all running the business fromhome, managing the house and
(00:25):
still trying to be a good mom.
So really excited about thistopic around mom guilt and how
to get rid of it.
But first, why don't you telleverybody just a little bit
about you and your background?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
So my background is I started out as an elementary
school teacher, actually Taughtfor about 10 years, gave birth
to my first child.
This was back in 2001.
She's 21 years old, going to be22 in April, which is crazy to
me Gave birth to my first childand she was born really sick.
(01:01):
Doctors couldn't figure outwhat was wrong with her by the
time she was about three weeksold.
I was concerned.
I was a new mom.
I didn't know what the hell Iwas doing.
I was worried I was killing her.
The doctors didn't have anyanswers and they just decided
that the best course of actionwould be to do invasive surgery
on a three week old andsomething inside me just told me
(01:22):
that there had to be a, therehad to be something that I was
missing, that that they weremissing.
So I did deep dive research onher symptoms and it turned out,
interestingly enough, that allof her symptoms were related to
food sensitivities.
So I was eating things, thennursing her and then she was
becoming sick because of that.
And I was a teacher at heart,Like I was a teacher and at the
(01:45):
time I was teaching fifth gradesocial studies and fifth grade
math and I I came across thisand it changed my life in such a
deep way that I decided that Ineeded to teach this to other
people, cause if I had thisexperience so many, there had to
be other people in the worldhaving this experience, and at
that time, there wasn't a lot ofinformation about nutrition and
how it affected your body andhow it could make you sick or
(02:06):
kids sick, or you know any ofthat.
This was back in 2001,.
Right, we've come a long way in20 years.
So I decided to go back toschool while I was teaching, got
my master's degree in holisticnutrition and then I left
teaching and that's when Istarted my first business.
So I opened up a holisticnutrition practice, but the pure
(02:27):
goal of just helping as manypeople as I could with their
underlying issues that modernmedicine said we don't know what
this is, we can't help you andI was really passionate about it
and I felt like you know, godor spirit or or or whatever you
believe, brought this solutionto me for for Bailey, my
(02:48):
daughter.
So I needed to pay it forwardand teach others, and my
business actually built veryquickly.
Um, by the time I had been inbusiness, I had two little ones.
I had Bailey, who was aboutfive at the time, and then Emma,
my second child, who was bornvery healthy Cause I knew what I
was doing.
This time time she was abouttwo.
So I started my business withlittle little ones while I was
(03:10):
also working a full-time job.
I kind of started it and then Ileft and then went full-time
into my new business.
So I know full well thechallenges of juggling way too
many things all at the same timeand trying to be a good mom and
good wife and good daughter allat the same time.
And trying to be a good mom andgood wife and good daughter all
at the same time.
Right Built my business and thenhired a coach to continue to
(03:32):
build my business, eventuallyworked my way up to being like
team nutritionist for theUniversity of Illinois Flames
baseball team.
I worked with a couple of profemale athletes on their
nutrition, but I just was kindof falling out of love with it.
It was easy to teach peoplewhat to do to be healthy.
It was much more difficult tounderstand why they didn't do
what was recommended.
(03:53):
So I got really deep intomindset and that's when I hired
my coach, who is now my businesspartner and I sold my nutrition
practice and then wentfull-time with his business to
build that.
All focusing on businessbuilding and mindset, cause I
really loved the building of mybusiness and all the mindset
(04:15):
that went along with it.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Here I am.
I love that.
So now do you help just womenspecifically, or with their
businesses, or we work withevery kind of business.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
We do have a large portion of female owned business
owners.
Some of them are part-timebusiness owners, some of them
are full-time multimilliondollar law firm business owners.
But I would say our audience ofwho we help is about 75% female
and 25% male.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Okay, very cool, I was just more curious than
anything, yeah, okay, so for usmoms who, you know, we're
working from home and eventhough it's a business like my
audience it's it's a businesswhere their products are digital
.
They're a bit more passive, butI'm finding that the mom guilt
(05:09):
is still very real and astruggle for many of us.
What is the first step, I guess, to overcoming this mom guilt
and moving past it?
Because I really feel it has alot of my listeners just like
stuck and it's a bigger problemthan many of them even realize.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Right, Well, first thing is to take a look at the
fact that guilt is not aproductive emotion, right?
So guilt is actuallyself-deprecating and guilt is
given to you.
So when you're born, you don'thave shame and guilt, it's given
to you.
Over time, it develops becauseyou want to be, you want to
(05:52):
belong, you want to be loved,you want to be secure, and so
you do things in order to feelthat love, feel that, that that
security and guilt shows up whenyou feel like you're being a
bad person, when you feel likeyou're making a mistake and the
ramifications are that something, something bad is going to
happen.
But when you really dig downinto mom guilt especially, you
(06:15):
got to ask yourself this onequestion whose voice is this?
So, if you just like, thinkabout what you're feeling guilty
about right now.
Whether it's your, you knowthat you're.
You've been on your phonechecking email while while your
little one's trying to get yourattention.
You're annoyed because they'regetting your attention.
You're annoyed because you'reon your phone checking your
email, but you don't know whatto do to feel like you're doing
(06:36):
the right thing because you'vegot responsibilities with your
phone, but you also have thislittle one.
That's.
That's fine for your attention.
First thing to ask yourself iswhose voice is this in my head?
And generally, what you'llrealize is that it's actually
not your voice.
It's a voice of someone else,someone who had a hand in
raising you.
Now, that doesn't mean we'remaking our parents wrong for
(06:57):
anything.
They did the best that theycould with what they had and how
they felt about themselves,right.
But the idea is to understandthat the guilt is not actually
self-inflicted.
It's a voice that was given toyou from someone else.
It could be from your own mom,like you're not being a good mom
.
You need to do these things,like I did, so that you can be a
good mom.
(07:18):
It could be from someone elsethat had a hand in raising you,
and once you can really getclear of that, you can say to
yourself okay, so if I'm feelingthis guilt, what is this?
What problems is this causingin my life?
Well, it's making you not enjoylife.
It's making you feel likeyou're being torn in 15
(07:39):
different directions all at once, because it's not just mom
guilt, right.
It's wife guilt, or girlfriendguilt, or daughter guilt, or all
the.
Anytime guilt is in your lifein one place.
Generally it's in other placesas well.
So it's you trying to besomething for someone else that
you actually don't want to be,but you feel bad about not
wanting to be that person or dothose things.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Do you think that there's an association there
with like an insecurity, like awound that is associated with
insecurity in ourselves, thatagain has like been there for
several years or leads back tothat person where that voice
came from?
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yes, so the wound, the deep core wound, actually
develops before the age of seven, right Before your conscious
mind is developed, because yourconscious mind has the ability
to reject, your subconsciousmind doesn't.
So everything that you'reexperiencing before the age of
seven is just going into yourmind as experience and you're
making meaning of it as a child.
So your core wound is developedin those ages and usually you
(08:40):
have one of two core wounds.
It's either not good enough andusually you have one of two
core wounds.
It's either not good enough orI'm not lovable, or both Right.
So if I'm, if I feel guilt, it'sbecause I don't think that I'm
doing enough to deserve the lovethat I'm receiving, or I'm not
good enough.
And if I'm not good enough,people will leave.
So there's an abandonment issueunder the surface as well, and
(09:05):
that's, if you really like, ifyou really sit and you dig down
deep like what am I afraid isgoing to happen?
If I don't do this, I'm goingto make someone mad.
Well, if I make them mad, thenthey'll reject me, and if they
reject me, then I feel terribleat myself and I end up being
alone and I feel unloved.
So it all kind of goes back tothat that core, that core wound.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Do you think it's harder for the women who I mean?
I think that mom guilt is alive.
You know, across the board, evenfor you know moms who don't
work, who are the stay-at-homemoms and the, the work at home
moms, you know, like us, butthen also the, the career moms,
the ones who work outside of thehome.
But I feel like it's even morehard for us moms that work from
home, because this is not onlyour work environment but it's
(09:56):
also our home where we are mommyLike.
Do you think that there's agreater pool there?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Yeah, and it's where I started.
So when I first started mybusiness, I was I was work from
home.
In fact, I actually had myoffice in our like.
I had people come and see me inour home.
So the only way to not feelguilty about working from home
is to set really clearboundaries and expectations.
So that means when you're atwork, you're 100% at work, so
(10:25):
you don't come out check on thekids.
Someone else is taking care ofthe kids at that point your
husband's in charge, boyfriend'sin charge, partner's in charge,
daycare provider's in charge,nanny's in charge, whoever's in
charge of the child.
When you're at work, you're 100%at work.
When you're with the kids,you're 100 hundred percent at
work.
When you're with the kids,you're a hundred percent with
the kids, which means you don'tcheck your phone and your email
(10:47):
while you're with them and theidea is that you communicate to
them.
That's a little bit moredifficult when the kids are
younger and by the time they're,you know, four or five, even
three, they can reallyunderstand that when, when
mommy's at work, she's at work,and unless the house is burning
down and someone's dying, Ican't be interrupted.
(11:11):
But when I'm with you, I'm ahundred percent with you.
You won't be fighting for mytime.
And that releases that feelingof the tug and roll, tug of war,
because you decide when you'regoing to be at work and put
really firm boundaries aroundyour time, and you decide when
you're going to be with the kidsand you put really firm
boundaries around your time.
And you decide when you'regoing to be with the kids and
you put really firm boundariesaround spending time with the
kids, so that you have qualitytime at work and you also have
(11:32):
quality time with your childrenand with your family.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
What would you tell somebody who is struggling with
that part, like who has triedsetting boundaries but it still
is just a very, I don't know,hard thing, cause I feel like
with my audience, we're a bunchof rebels in a sense, like in
ADHD years.
Like you know, we have squirrelsyndrome and there's this over
(11:57):
here and you know just, I meanbeing with my kids and working
on the house and cleaning up,like I'm jumping from task to
task to task.
So boundaries is something thatI've always struggled with
personally and and I understandthe concept of boundaries, but
just like implementing it, likewhat would be like the first
(12:17):
step to, like you know, reallysticking to your guns and
following through with thoseboundaries.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
So first is communication.
So it's really important thateveryone be on the same page
with what this is going to looklike.
So if you have a spouse orpartner, it's having that
conversation first, and theconversation starts with what
your vision is right.
So look, I have this vision ofbuilding this company to this
much to bring in this much money.
I'm really passionate andexcited about it, but these are
(12:47):
the things that keep getting inthe way of my ability to do that
.
So I need your help in bothcreating and maintaining
boundaries so that we can dothis, or I can do this and
really like hashing out whatthat's going to look like.
Who's going to take care of,who's going to take care of the
kids during the day duringspecific times?
How much time can you allot towork on your business?
(13:09):
How are you going to arrangethis to make sure that you can
set up clear boundaries?
And is your spouse or partneron board with this?
If you're a single mom, how canyou bring in help?
How can you get help to be withthe kids during that time or
take the kids somewhere duringthat time, so that you have
really clear boundaries aroundwhat's work time and what's not
(13:30):
work time.
So that's step.
Number one is have that openconversation but put context
around it Like this is what Ireally want to build, this is
what I see for ourselves in thenext two or three years, and in
order for me to reverse engineerthat this is what needs to
happen, I need to have some timethat I can think straight and
not feel like garbage every timesomething comes up with the
kids and I have to drop work andgo and deal with whatever's
(13:53):
going on with them.
So that's step one.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
I love two parts of that.
First, you said you have toknow what your vision is and be
clear on that part, and I feellike we walk into this and many
of us don't know what our visionis.
We don't have this goal of whatit's going to look like when we
do have firm boundaries andwhen we do follow through with
(14:20):
that, and so that's one thingthat I have found to help.
It's like and you hit it righton the head having a clear
vision, but I love communicatingit, because how are you going
to get the rest of your family,your kids, your husband, whoever
on board and helping you withthis, because they're a big part
of of that equation.
Love it.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
There's a really great resource.
I'm a big fan of the book vividvision by Cameron Herold.
Now he wrote that book forbusiness owners to help them
communicate their vision totheir teams.
Well, your family is your teamat this point.
Your husband, your partner isyour team.
So I highly recommend that book.
It really helps you to create athree-dimensional world of what
(14:59):
you want all the areas of yourlife to look like in three years
.
So it's not about setting afinancial goal.
It's not about what houseyou're going to buy, it's what.
What is our family going tolook like in three years?
What do we want to experienceat the end of three years?
How do we want our household torun at the end of three years?
What do we want ourrelationship to be like?
What's our financial situation?
(15:20):
So it's really painting a 3dworld of what you want your life
and your business to look likein three years.
And if you can do that andcommunicate it, that gets
everybody else excited about itas well.
So if your kids are old enoughto understand, they can jump
right into that vision and theycan see how they can actually
help you create that vision andthey understand why you need to
(15:41):
have boundaries around your time.
And it also works with yourspouse or partner right, because
the idea is that you have goalsfor your relationship and that
goals for your relationship fitinto your overall vision for
your business and your life.
So everyone's on the same page,all headed in the same
direction.
No one's no one's like.
It's not this anymore, it'sgoing together, does that?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
make sense.
Yes, yes, you're propellingyour entire life, your entire
family, forward, and I love it'smore about the feeling and it's
all about the feeling.
Yes, yes, and I love that and Ifeel like communicating that to
my 5-year-old.
It's not about the pony thatshe'll get someday.
(16:25):
If we can move the businessforward, it's going to be the
lifestyle and what we're able todo, and the connection and the
relationships and just how morefree everything will be and the
fun that we will have.
That's the intention.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Love it Exactly and I mean, if you've got a five or
six-year-old, they can createvisions for themselves Like what
a great habit to instill in asmall child.
Rather than living reactively,responding to everything in
their life and their environment, they and kids have, like, the
most amazing ability to imagineRight.
So like create a world, likeput their imagination to good
(17:02):
use as well.
It's a great modeling for forhow to create, how to how to
raise a productive young adultlater on in life, love it.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Okay.
So number one was communication.
What's next?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Now it's putting it into practice.
So now it's saying this is theday we're going to start and
this is what it's going to looklike.
So you start with theboundaries you set up your day.
Part of this is making surethat you're in agreement with
yourself, that you haven't setup some impossibility like you
want to set yourself up forsuccess.
So it's using your calendar.
(17:37):
It's making sure that you'redoing everything possible to
withhold, to uphold your ownboundaries, because normally
you're the one that breaks yourboundaries first, and if you
break your boundaries first,everybody else sees that they
can break your boundaries aswell.
So this is where practice comesin.
So you're sitting and you'reworking spouse, husband's got
(18:00):
the or partner's got the kids.
Someone comes running into the,into your office.
How are you going to respond tothat?
Right?
Set it like pre-playing how yourespond to an interruption.
Sorry, honey, you need to gotalk to dad about that.
Mom's working right now.
Remember we talked about this.
Go see dad, maybe it's closingthe door.
For me, the role was, if myoffice door was closed, you
(18:24):
couldn't knock on my door unlesssomething was on fire or
someone was dying.
And you had no.
There was no one there to helpyou, otherwise everything went
to the person in charge and theywould follow that.
Occasionally I'd get a littlepost-it slid underneath my door
Like, hey mom, just want you toknow I love you.
Or hey mom, just want you toknow we're going to a movie.
You know, like a little post-itnote comes, like sliding under
(18:47):
the door, where's dinner.
That's fine too, and thatinteresting that you said
where's dinner, because anotherpart of this is looking at where
you can outsource, where youcan get some help so that you
can spend a little bitadditional time on your business
Cause, let's be honest, it'snot just childcare, it's who's
(19:10):
doing the laundry, who'scleaning the house, who's making
the dinner, who's thinkingabout grocery shopping, who's
planning for a date next week.
Like the bulk of theresponsibility quite honestly
comes down to mom right?
Moms are always thinking aboutwhat's next, what's going to be
for dinner tonight, what timeare the kids going to take a
(19:32):
bath and get into bed?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Your brain is going all the time and the idea is
that giving yourself permissionto let it be okay for you to get
help and to ask for what it isthat you need.
I once had somebody told methat owning a business as a mom
I once had somebody told me thatowning a business as a mom you
can't let it not impact yourchildren negatively.
I 100% disagree.
(19:56):
I do think, though, that youhave to give in an area, and I'd
be curious what your take is onthis.
But I think that you do have togive in an area, but we can
choose what area that is, and ifit's the laundry or, you know,
the messy house, like there'soptions and that's my area, it's
(20:17):
like, okay, I do not likelaundry, I never will like
laundry, and that is my area.
Like, when I'm done working, Idon't want to be doing laundry,
I want to be spending it with mykids, right, and so outsourcing
that part, like I feel, likemany women, we feel like it has
to fall on us, like we have todo the laundry ourselves.
(20:38):
But do we really, let's likechallenge ourselves?
Like do we really have to dothe dishes?
No, you, you're running abusiness, you can work, you know
, an extra couple hours a weekand replace that time that you
would be doing laundry withworking on your business, earn
an extra a hundred dollars thatweek to pay for somebody who
(20:59):
does that part.
You know, and so is.
Is that kind of your mentalitytoo, like it's more flexible, um
, or do you feel like we don'thave to give at all in any area
if we don't want to Like?
What's your take on that?
Speaker 2 (21:12):
I think so.
I'm a big fan of looking atwhat's the most, what's the best
use of my time, Right and andyou can break this down into an
equation if you want in terms ofdollars.
So, if I've got two hours,what's more valuable?
Spending it working a businessthat's going to make me money or
spending it folding laundry?
If I spend two hours foldinglaundry, I get to a place of
(21:34):
diminishing returns, which meansI'm actually losing time and
money by doing the things that Icould pay someone 10 or $12 an
hour to do.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Oh, can you say that again?
I love that.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Yeah, it's actually.
If you think about it, you'reactually stealing from yourself.
It doesn't make logical sensefor you to do 10 and $12 tasks
because you know that if you'respending your time either
building your business or evenmore valuable time with your
family that you're, that'sactually more valuable than 10
to $12 an hour.
(22:06):
Yes, you get to a place ofdiminishing returns where you
can't do anymore because you'redoing things that you shouldn't
be.
You actually shouldn't be doing, um, and there's a lot of guilt
around that because I was, Iwas brought up in the Midwest.
I know this is rampant and it'slike there's this mentality of
why pay someone something?
Why pay someone for somethingyou can do yourself for free?
(22:27):
Right, like that's a.
That's a middle-class value.
Mow your own yard, excuse me,mow your own yard, clean your
own house, vacuum your ownvacuum your own house, fold your
own laundry.
And it's based on amiddle-class mindset of someone
who's on a fixed income.
It's not based in a growthmindset of someone who's on a
(22:49):
fixed income.
It's not based in a growthmindset of someone who owns
their own business.
And would you rather bespending time cooking dinner or
working until dinner's ready andthen you're fully focused on
having an amazing dinner withyour family and conversation.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
So it really yeah, like like we, we can choose to
have that dinner with our kidsrather than doing the laundry,
and I feel like there's evenguilt, like you're saying, like
there's guilt around even hiringthe laundry out, Totally yes.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
And it's not based on any truth.
Yes, you're actually providingan opportunity, like you're
providing an opportunity forsomeone else, for someone else's
business by hiring them to takecare of your laundry, and
you're providing moreopportunity for you to either
work in your business or spendtime with your family.
It's a win win for everyone.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
There's nothing to feel guilty about I think you're
being supported, I thinkviewing our household as its own
business.
I think viewing our householdas its own business, like, yes,
we have our business business,but we have our house, that's
also business.
And you think of, like a CEO ofa multimillion dollar company,
he's not going to be the onewriting the blog posts, and so I
(24:04):
think that for me, that changesit.
And I think you also brought upa point.
There's, I think, our cultureand in the middle class, you
know, mindset, I think, thatmany people aren't entrepreneurs
, and so you know I mentionedthis to somebody a little while
(24:25):
back that on occasion, like Iwill outsource and have somebody
else do my laundry, likesometimes it's my mom because
she's a saint, but then othertimes, like I'll go drop it off
at the laundromat and have themwash and fold it and go pick it
up and I love it, but they theperson I was telling this to you
(24:45):
know I offered it to him.
I'm like you know you canalways just like drop that off
at the laundromat, and he's like, no, like I couldn't do that,
like it was, but this personalso didn't have that more
entrepreneur, um, kind of aleadership.
I guess, mindset that, look,your time is much better spent
(25:07):
over here rather than, you know,digging in the trenches and
writing, quote unquote, writingthat blog post, because your
time is valuable.
That's something that you can'tget back A hundred percent, and
that's it too.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
It's that people don't see that there's a limited
amount of time and that thateach piece of that time is worth
something.
Right, like you spend threehours mowing your lawn, you've
just lost money in your businessbecause that's three hours that
you could have been spending onbusiness development.
Love that, it's just anequation.
(25:47):
There's nothing emotional aboutit.
It's just an equation.
There's nothing emotional aboutit.
It's just an equation.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Okay, so anything else.
So those are like the twothings I think are so helpful
for for the moms who arestruggling with this, is there?
Is there any other steps thatthey need to go through that you
think would help them?
I think there's a couplethere's two points.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
One go through that you think would help them.
I think there's a couple.
There's two points.
One your kids can do things andactually it builds self-esteem
If they do things.
At certain ages.
They can make their own bed,they can vacuum, they can sweep,
they can clean the toilets,they can do their own laundry,
they can do your laundry, theycan do food prep.
So if you're sharing your visionwith your team, with your team,
your family prep.
(26:29):
So if you're sharing your visionwith your team, with your team,
your family and you're sayingthis is what we want to create,
they want to be able to see howthey can play a part in that,
even if they're little.
So for a five-year-old puttingaway the dishes, right, I mean,
there's whole books written onwhat children are capable of.
But we as a society have justgotten used to doing everything
for our kids because we feellike bad parents if we don't.
The truth is, if you doeverything for your kids, you're
(26:51):
missing out on a reallyimportant opportunity for them
to develop self-esteem andself-reliance and giving them a
part in building the family thatyou wanna create.
So put them to work, give themresponsibilities.
You don't need to be doing allof the things outside of your
business and in most cases youdon't need to be doing all of
the things outside of yourbusiness and in most cases you
don't even really need tooutsource it to anyone higher
(27:12):
and you can outsource it to yourfamily, but you just need to
give yourself permission toteach them how to do that and to
ask them to do that.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I love that, yes, and I think that you can make it
fun too.
You know like for my five andseven-year-old you know it fun
too.
You know like for my five andseven year old.
You know doing the dishes.
You know, okay, but after we dothe dishes and clean up the
house, imagine how more cleanit'll feel and how much more
room we will have to play, andthen we can go out and get ice
(27:43):
cream or we can play that gameLike you can make it fun.
I think a lot of it is aboutyour attitude, totally totally.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
And then the other point is I've spoken to so many
women who are looking to buildtheir business and I'm coaching
them through kind of what needsto happen, and their response
will be I can't because I havekids.
I can't, I just can't because Ihave kids.
And I think what's important tounderstand is that you're
(28:13):
making your children responsiblefor your dream, or lack thereof
, which then puts like, causesthem to experience guilt because
they're now responsible for younot doing what it is that you
want to do.
Never am I going to make mykids responsible for what I do
or I don't do.
If I want to grow my business,then there's a way they're not
(28:35):
going to be my excuse.
That's 100% unfair to them thisis so good, right.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
This one is really hitting home, because how many
times do I say, you know, Ican't go out and do that thing
that I used to love doingbecause I have kids, like, and I
think that we are just a lotharder on ourselves when really
and this is a I've beenstruggling with this.
Right now it's like gettingback into some of it.
(29:06):
So I recently went through adivorce and so I'm one of those
single moms that doesn't have,you know, the husband asked to
watch the kids and I'm likefiguring out this whole, you
know, juggling kids and work andeverything, and it's been an
adjustment.
But I've also seen that, likethrough the years I've I've
(29:27):
really put myself on a backburner and you saying, you know,
pretty much blaming the kidsfor for me not taking the
initiative to go out and do youknow and and have the life that
that I want to want to live andhave, and it doesn't have to be
like that, right, and hit itright on the head.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
And that's not saying if you don't wanna do something
, don't do it.
Just don't use your kids as anexcuse.
Just say I don't wanna do that,right?
I don't wanna go out and godancing at 11 pm because at nine
o'clock I'm asleep.
It's not because of my kids.
Go dancing at 11 PM because atnine o'clock I'm asleep.
It's not because of my kids,it's because I don't want to go
Like I don't want to, and that'sfine.
But if you really feel insidethat you have a dream that you
(30:12):
want to do something, then thereis always a way for you to make
that happen and still be themom that you want to be, the
partner that you want to be, thedaughter that you want to be,
the sister that you want to beit daughter that you want to be
the sister that you want to be.
It's this like idea that's beendrilled into our head that we
(30:33):
have to come last, that we haveto self-sacrifice for everybody
else.
Part of that is because that'sthe message we got from our
parents, our mothers and ourgrandmothers, that they
sacrificed for us.
So now we feel like we've gotto do that as well.
But it's just not based in anykind of truth.
It's just based in emotionalmanipulation.
So if there's something thatyou really want to do, there has
to be a way, and I experiencedthis firsthand.
So I was building my business.
(30:54):
I was working with my businesspartner.
He was in a different part ofthe country and we were meeting
with clients that were flying infrom all over the world.
I was in Wisconsin, he was inMaryland.
I've got two small kids.
He's got two uh like teenagekids that he's managing.
So we're both like.
(31:14):
We both have busy lives.
We would have meetings inMaryland and I would need to fly
to Maryland, and then we wouldput on seminars all over the
country and I would need to fly,and I was gone a lot, way too
much.
I hated it.
I hated being gone from thegirls.
I didn't want to miss anything.
So my husband and I sat down andwe were like, okay, this is
something that you know, thatyou want, this is the vision
(31:35):
that we have of our life.
How can we make this happen?
And we actually turned topulling the kids out of
traditional school.
We hired a part, we hired afull-time teacher for way less
than you would think it wouldcost to hire a full-time teacher
and she became our our teacherslash nanny and she traveled
with us.
Now, that was not highlyaccepted by my family.
(31:58):
People thought we wereabsolutely nuts.
We got questions like, oh, yourkids are going to be, you know,
antisocial or not going to knowhow to relate to other kids,
which is complete BS.
But we had to really take astand for what was going to work
for us so that we could achievethe goals that we wanted to
achieve, and it turned out fine.
I have two fantasticallyadjusted kids.
One is working full time andadulting.
(32:19):
The other is a sophomore incollege, a marketing major.
Like we did not screw up theirlives, we simply said this is
the life that we want to createand we found the solutions and
we created it.
So whenever you feel yourselfdefaulting to I can't because of
(32:39):
my kids, or I have to waituntil the kids are this age,
just know that's.
That's not the truth.
There's something elseunderneath that excuse that's
causing you to step back truth.
There's something elseunderneath that excuse that's
causing you to step back and itactually doesn't have anything
to do with your kids.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
Oftentimes I've talked about on this podcast of
of judgment from people who Imean, really, at the end of the
(33:11):
day, I didn't even care aboutwhat they thought, like what's
Dave Ramsey says.
Like you know, you're trying tohis saying.
It's like you're trying toimpress the people that you
don't like man, it's like righton the tip of the tongue.
But you know the one that I'mtalking about, yes, and in that
once I have, in each and everytime in these situations, when I
(33:35):
have let go of that and I'vejust like focused on staying in
my own lane and and stop caringabout what they think and make
decisions internally from my ownempowered self, I was able to
move forward in my business alot faster and progress a lot
(33:57):
quicker because I was makingdecisions from a grounded place
rather than an externalvalidation.
I don't know if that makes sense, but like I feel like there's a
lot of power in that and makingdecisions from that rather than
externally, because that'swhere we're going to get held
(34:19):
back.
It's when we care too muchabout like what others think,
and I feel like your, yourentire story there was was that
it's we care too much about,like what others think, and I
feel like your your entire storythere was was that it's um man.
I'm like stumbling on my words,but I I feel like that is is an
example of what it can do foryou once you overcome that
mindset.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
I mean like our beginnings were humble.
My dad was a factory worker, myhusband grew up in a, in a
trailer, like we were lowermiddle-class.
For us to say we're going tohire a teacher to teach our kids
so that we can, they can travelwith us and they can experience
(34:58):
the the world, like that, justin making the decision to do
that and actually like look forthe higher and you know, it was
like, oh my God, everybodyaround us, I mean my, my, my
dad's side of the family isdairy farmers, right, like you,
(35:20):
just you don't do that, itdidn't happen.
I'm the first entrepreneur.
On either side of my family.
They all thought I'd lost mymind and I was drinking some
kind of strange Kool-Aid Like I.
Just I just had to put theblinders on and say, no, this is
what, this is what we want,this is what's possible.
So my kids got this amazing,amazing education where if we
(35:42):
went to Arizona, their teacherwould take them to the zoo in
Arizona.
And they talk about desertanimals and they learn about
desert culture and NativeAmerican culture, and we go to
Atlanta and I mean, it was just,it was.
It was an amazing experiencefor them, gave them a breadth of
knowledge that they wouldn'thave received in traditional
school.
And I know because both myhusband and I were elementary
(36:03):
school teachers for 10 years.
So we clearly, we very clearlyunderstand the public school
system.
Um, but it was not, uh, it wasnot an easy thing.
We really had to be willing tojust like, put our blinders on
and do what we needed to do.
It was best for our family,based on the vision that we
created of where we wanted to goand what we wanted to
experience.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
I love that.
And now look at your businessand what you've been able to do
because of that decision.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
I would have if we hadn't made that decision.
I probably would have.
I call it family pacing ormarital pacing, where you slow
yourself down so that you don'tcreate too much gap between
where you are and where yourfamily is.
There's no way we would havegrown the company to the size
(36:50):
that it is today had we not madethat decision.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
Love that of information that you think would
be helpful for the moms whoeither are still struggling like
with this, or what's yourending note that we can lead off
on.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
So in our business we grow business leaders.
So our whole business is aboutworking with business owners to
help create them into the leaderthat they need to be to grow
and scale their company.
And a leader in business is nodifferent than a leader in the
(37:36):
family, and they're generallyfour types of leaders and,
ironically enough, two of thosetypes of leaders don't even want
to be leaders and shouldn't beleaders.
They're the visionary thatneeds to have a second in
command that actually manageseverything.
So I think a key thing is toreally understand who you are as
a person, who you are as aleader, both in your business
(37:58):
and in your family, so that youcan create things that support
you in growing your company.
So let me give an example.
I'm a catalyst leader.
I love to build people.
My superpower is consulting,coaching, building people.
I work with a team of 12 herein our corporate offices and my
primary goal is to make them thebest that they can be so that
(38:20):
our company grows, because ifyou've got a crappy team, your
business isn't going to grow.
Period right.
However, I know that my Achillesheel is in setting boundaries
and in the fear of what peoplethink, so I know that I've got
to be really careful as a leaderto make sure that I've got
clear boundaries set up, becauseI will fall back into
(38:41):
self-sacrificing.
I will fall back into doingthings for otherrificing.
I will fall back into doingthings for other people that
they can easily do forthemselves.
So, moms, if you fall intoeasily doing things for your
kids that they can easily do forthemselves, chances are you're
probably a catalyst leader andyou need to set some boundaries,
knowing that you have a need tobe the savior, you have a need
(39:02):
to be the peacekeeper.
That and those roles werepicked up, obviously, when you
were a child as well.
So, first thing is, it could bereally helpful for you to
understand what type of leaderyou are, to know what your
strengths are so you can play tothem, and then know what your
weaknesses may be, so you canset things up for those not to
be your weaknesses anymore.
Does that make sense?
(39:24):
A charismatic leader loves to bethe one in front of the camera,
loves to be the one that'stalking about the vision.
It's got great ideas, that'sreally creative, but isn't the
doer.
Can't stand the idea ofdelegating anything.
Details get lost in the shuffle.
That person needs someone tocome in and help them organize.
They're usually a littleunorganized, so they need
someone to help them come in andhelp them organize.
(39:44):
They're usually a littleunorganized, so they need
someone to help them come in andbe organized, and they also
need to set boundaries aroundtheir calendar.
So the idea behind all of thisis to understand who you are and
what leader you are, so thatyou can work to your strengths
and strengthen your weaknesses.
And that shows up in all areasof your life, whether you're a
(40:04):
multimillion dollar owner of acompany or whether you've got a
boutique business side hustleselling on Etsy and you're
trying to manage your family atthe same time.
It's really important tounderstand yourself so that you
know what needs to be set up inplace, to be put in place so
that you can be as successful aspossible.
Speaker 1 (40:24):
I feel like I'm like those two combined.
You probably are I'm likesporadic and, you know, have my
ADHD tendencies, so I'm kind ofall over the place.
But then I'm also the, and Ikind of feel like an enabler,
like at times, like my kids, youknow they can do the things
(40:46):
themselves, but at the same timeI'm like, oh no, I can just do
it, you know, so that they cango and play, and I'll just, you
know, put this way because butpart of it's too like I'm just
like it's easier for me to goand do the thing than to fight
them, because there's almostalways that pushback.
(41:07):
So I'm like, huh, I wonderwhich kind I am.
But I think I'm both of themcombined.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Probably, and we've developed a leadership
assessment that, through aseries of questions, will
actually categorize you into oneof four leadership types, and
the cool thing is that it spitsout an entire report of your
strengths and weaknesses andgives you suggestions on how to
strengthen those weaknesses.
(41:33):
So it's completely free.
I think it would be of greatvalue to your audience, and even
you, especially so take thequiz.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
Where can I go to take the quiz?
Speaker 2 (41:45):
I'm going to give you the link that you can then
share in in show notes.
It's a really long link to tryto say so.
If you, if you produce shownotes or put this with a with a
social media post, you just popthe link right in there and
you'd be good to go.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
Okay, all right.
And what is that called?
It's the four.
It's called the visionary'scalled the.
Visionary Leadership Assessment.
Visionary Leadership AssessmentAwesome, okay, and is there
anything else you'd like toshare, like where people can go
to find you, or just go and takethat assessment and they'll be
(42:19):
good to go?
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Two places you can go and find me.
You can follow me on Instagram.
I'm constantly putting postsand giving away freebies about
both how to run your businessand how to manage your life, so
everything from leadership tipsto lifestyle tips.
My Instagram is at Steph Tusswith a P-H-T-U-S-S on Instagram,
(42:40):
and you can also go to ourwebsite, lifeisnowinccom, and
you will find this assessment onour website as well.
So if can also go to ourwebsite, lifeisnowinccom, and
you will find this assessment onour website as well.
So if you just go tolifeisnowinccom, you'll be able
to see the little link to takethe assessment.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
Okay, we'll be sure to link to all of those, and
this has been so fun.
Steph, thank you so much forcoming on.
It's been a pleasure having you.
It's been so fun, thank you.
Hey, steph, welcome on to the podcast, thank you,
thanks for having me.
I am so excited for thisepisode.
As I was telling you before Ihit record like this is a big
pain point for my audience ismom guilt.
You know we are moms who havekids who are trying to juggle it
all running the business fromhome, managing the house and
(00:25):
still trying to be a good mom.
So really excited about thistopic around mom guilt and how
to get rid of it.
But first, why don't you telleverybody just a little bit
about you and your background?
Speaker 2 (00:40):
So my background is I started out as an elementary
school teacher, actually Taughtfor about 10 years, gave birth
to my first child.
This was back in 2001.
She's 21 years old, going to be22 in April, which is crazy to
me Gave birth to my first childand she was born really sick.
(01:01):
Doctors couldn't figure outwhat was wrong with her by the
time she was about three weeksold.
I was concerned.
I was a new mom.
I didn't know what the hell Iwas doing.
I was worried I was killing her.
The doctors didn't have anyanswers and they just decided
that the best course of actionwould be to do invasive surgery
on a three week old andsomething inside me just told me
(01:22):
that there had to be a, therehad to be something that I was
missing, that that they weremissing.
So I did deep dive research onher symptoms and it turned out,
interestingly enough, that allof her symptoms were related to
food sensitivities.
So I was eating things, thennursing her and then she was
becoming sick because of that.
And I was a teacher at heart,Like I was a teacher and at the
(01:45):
time I was teaching fifth gradesocial studies and fifth grade
math and I I came across thisand it changed my life in such a
deep way that I decided that Ineeded to teach this to other
people, cause if I had thisexperience so many, there had to
be other people in the worldhaving this experience, and at
that time, there wasn't a lot ofinformation about nutrition and
how it affected your body andhow it could make you sick or
(02:06):
kids sick, or you know any ofthat.
This was back in 2001,.
Right, we've come a long way in20 years.
So I decided to go back toschool while I was teaching, got
my master's degree in holisticnutrition and then I left
teaching and that's when Istarted my first business.
So I opened up a holisticnutrition practice, but the pure
(02:27):
goal of just helping as manypeople as I could with their
underlying issues that modernmedicine said we don't know what
this is, we can't help you andI was really passionate about it
and I felt like you know, godor spirit or or or whatever you
believe, brought this solutionto me for for Bailey, my
(02:48):
daughter.
So I needed to pay it forwardand teach others, and my
business actually built veryquickly.
Um, by the time I had been inbusiness, I had two little ones.
I had Bailey, who was aboutfive at the time, and then Emma,
my second child, who was bornvery healthy Cause I knew what I
was doing.
This time time she was abouttwo.
So I started my business withlittle little ones while I was
(03:10):
also working a full-time job.
I kind of started it and then Ileft and then went full-time
into my new business.
So I know full well thechallenges of juggling way too
many things all at the same timeand trying to be a good mom and
good wife and good daughter allat the same time.
And trying to be a good mom andgood wife and good daughter all
at the same time.
Right Built my business and thenhired a coach to continue to
(03:32):
build my business, eventuallyworked my way up to being like
team nutritionist for theUniversity of Illinois Flames
baseball team.
I worked with a couple of profemale athletes on their
nutrition, but I just was kindof falling out of love with it.
It was easy to teach peoplewhat to do to be healthy.
It was much more difficult tounderstand why they didn't do
what was recommended.
(03:53):
So I got really deep intomindset and that's when I hired
my coach, who is now my businesspartner and I sold my nutrition
practice and then wentfull-time with his business to
build that.
All focusing on businessbuilding and mindset, cause I
really loved the building of mybusiness and all the mindset
(04:15):
that went along with it.
Speaker 1 (04:17):
Here I am.
I love that.
So now do you help just womenspecifically, or with their
businesses, or we work withevery kind of business.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
We do have a large portion of female owned business
owners.
Some of them are part-timebusiness owners, some of them
are full-time multimilliondollar law firm business owners.
But I would say our audience ofwho we help is about 75% female
and 25% male.
Speaker 1 (04:48):
Okay, very cool, I was just more curious than
anything, yeah, okay, so for usmoms who, you know, we're
working from home and eventhough it's a business like my
audience it's it's a businesswhere their products are digital
.
They're a bit more passive, butI'm finding that the mom guilt
(05:09):
is still very real and astruggle for many of us.
What is the first step, I guess, to overcoming this mom guilt
and moving past it?
Because I really feel it has alot of my listeners just like
stuck and it's a bigger problemthan many of them even realize.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
Right, Well, first thing is to take a look at the
fact that guilt is not aproductive emotion, right?
So guilt is actuallyself-deprecating and guilt is
given to you.
So when you're born, you don'thave shame and guilt, it's given
to you.
Over time, it develops becauseyou want to be, you want to
(05:52):
belong, you want to be loved,you want to be secure, and so
you do things in order to feelthat love, feel that, that that
security and guilt shows up whenyou feel like you're being a
bad person, when you feel likeyou're making a mistake and the
ramifications are that something, something bad is going to
happen.
But when you really dig downinto mom guilt especially, you
(06:15):
got to ask yourself this onequestion whose voice is this?
So, if you just like, thinkabout what you're feeling guilty
about right now.
Whether it's your, you knowthat you're.
You've been on your phonechecking email while while your
little one's trying to get yourattention.
You're annoyed because they'regetting your attention.
You're annoyed because you'reon your phone checking your
email, but you don't know whatto do to feel like you're doing
(06:36):
the right thing because you'vegot responsibilities with your
phone, but you also have thislittle one.
That's.
That's fine for your attention.
First thing to ask yourself iswhose voice is this in my head?
And generally, what you'llrealize is that it's actually
not your voice.
It's a voice of someone else,someone who had a hand in
raising you.
Now, that doesn't mean we'remaking our parents wrong for
(06:57):
anything.
They did the best that theycould with what they had and how
they felt about themselves,right.
But the idea is to understandthat the guilt is not actually
self-inflicted.
It's a voice that was given toyou from someone else.
It could be from your own mom,like you're not being a good mom
.
You need to do these things,like I did, so that you can be a
good mom.
(07:18):
It could be from someone elsethat had a hand in raising you,
and once you can really getclear of that, you can say to
yourself okay, so if I'm feelingthis guilt, what is this?
What problems is this causingin my life?
Well, it's making you not enjoylife.
It's making you feel likeyou're being torn in 15
(07:39):
different directions all at once, because it's not just mom
guilt, right.
It's wife guilt, or girlfriendguilt, or daughter guilt, or all
the.
Anytime guilt is in your lifein one place.
Generally it's in other placesas well.
So it's you trying to besomething for someone else that
you actually don't want to be,but you feel bad about not
wanting to be that person or dothose things.
Speaker 1 (08:01):
Do you think that there's an association there
with like an insecurity, like awound that is associated with
insecurity in ourselves, thatagain has like been there for
several years or leads back tothat person where that voice
came from?
Speaker 2 (08:17):
Yes, so the wound, the deep core wound, actually
develops before the age of seven, right Before your conscious
mind is developed, because yourconscious mind has the ability
to reject, your subconsciousmind doesn't.
So everything that you'reexperiencing before the age of
seven is just going into yourmind as experience and you're
making meaning of it as a child.
So your core wound is developedin those ages and usually you
(08:40):
have one of two core wounds.
It's either not good enough andusually you have one of two
core wounds.
It's either not good enough orI'm not lovable, or both Right.
So if I'm, if I feel guilt, it'sbecause I don't think that I'm
doing enough to deserve the lovethat I'm receiving, or I'm not
good enough.
And if I'm not good enough,people will leave.
So there's an abandonment issueunder the surface as well, and
(09:05):
that's, if you really like, ifyou really sit and you dig down
deep like what am I afraid isgoing to happen?
If I don't do this, I'm goingto make someone mad.
Well, if I make them mad, thenthey'll reject me, and if they
reject me, then I feel terribleat myself and I end up being
alone and I feel unloved.
So it all kind of goes back tothat that core, that core wound.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
Do you think it's harder for the women who I mean?
I think that mom guilt is alive.
You know, across the board, evenfor you know moms who don't
work, who are the stay-at-homemoms and the, the work at home
moms, you know, like us, butthen also the, the career moms,
the ones who work outside of thehome.
But I feel like it's even morehard for us moms that work from
home, because this is not onlyour work environment but it's
(09:56):
also our home where we are mommyLike.
Do you think that there's agreater pool there?
Speaker 2 (10:02):
Yeah, and it's where I started.
So when I first started mybusiness, I was I was work from
home.
In fact, I actually had myoffice in our like.
I had people come and see me inour home.
So the only way to not feelguilty about working from home
is to set really clearboundaries and expectations.
So that means when you're atwork, you're 100% at work, so
(10:25):
you don't come out check on thekids.
Someone else is taking care ofthe kids at that point your
husband's in charge, boyfriend'sin charge, partner's in charge,
daycare provider's in charge,nanny's in charge, whoever's in
charge of the child.
When you're at work, you're 100%at work.
When you're with the kids,you're 100 hundred percent at
work.
When you're with the kids,you're a hundred percent with
the kids, which means you don'tcheck your phone and your email
(10:47):
while you're with them and theidea is that you communicate to
them.
That's a little bit moredifficult when the kids are
younger and by the time they're,you know, four or five, even
three, they can reallyunderstand that when, when
mommy's at work, she's at work,and unless the house is burning
down and someone's dying, Ican't be interrupted.
(11:11):
But when I'm with you, I'm ahundred percent with you.
You won't be fighting for mytime.
And that releases that feelingof the tug and roll, tug of war,
because you decide when you'regoing to be at work and put
really firm boundaries aroundyour time, and you decide when
you're going to be with the kidsand you put really firm
boundaries around your time.
And you decide when you'regoing to be with the kids and
you put really firm boundariesaround spending time with the
kids, so that you have qualitytime at work and you also have
(11:32):
quality time with your childrenand with your family.
Speaker 1 (11:36):
What would you tell somebody who is struggling with
that part, like who has triedsetting boundaries but it still
is just a very, I don't know,hard thing, cause I feel like
with my audience, we're a bunchof rebels in a sense, like in
ADHD years.
Like you know, we have squirrelsyndrome and there's this over
(11:57):
here and you know just, I meanbeing with my kids and working
on the house and cleaning up,like I'm jumping from task to
task to task.
So boundaries is something thatI've always struggled with
personally and and I understandthe concept of boundaries, but
just like implementing it, likewhat would be like the first
(12:17):
step to, like you know, reallysticking to your guns and
following through with thoseboundaries.
Speaker 2 (12:25):
So first is communication.
So it's really important thateveryone be on the same page
with what this is going to looklike.
So if you have a spouse orpartner, it's having that
conversation first, and theconversation starts with what
your vision is right.
So look, I have this vision ofbuilding this company to this
much to bring in this much money.
I'm really passionate andexcited about it, but these are
(12:47):
the things that keep getting inthe way of my ability to do that
.
So I need your help in bothcreating and maintaining
boundaries so that we can dothis, or I can do this and
really like hashing out whatthat's going to look like.
Who's going to take care of,who's going to take care of the
kids during the day duringspecific times?
How much time can you allot towork on your business?
(13:09):
How are you going to arrangethis to make sure that you can
set up clear boundaries?
And is your spouse or partneron board with this?
If you're a single mom, how canyou bring in help?
How can you get help to be withthe kids during that time or
take the kids somewhere duringthat time, so that you have
really clear boundaries aroundwhat's work time and what's not
(13:30):
work time.
So that's step.
Number one is have that openconversation but put context
around it Like this is what Ireally want to build, this is
what I see for ourselves in thenext two or three years, and in
order for me to reverse engineerthat this is what needs to
happen, I need to have some timethat I can think straight and
not feel like garbage every timesomething comes up with the
kids and I have to drop work andgo and deal with whatever's
(13:53):
going on with them.
So that's step one.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
I love two parts of that.
First, you said you have toknow what your vision is and be
clear on that part, and I feellike we walk into this and many
of us don't know what our visionis.
We don't have this goal of whatit's going to look like when we
do have firm boundaries andwhen we do follow through with
(14:20):
that, and so that's one thingthat I have found to help.
It's like and you hit it righton the head having a clear
vision, but I love communicatingit, because how are you going
to get the rest of your family,your kids, your husband, whoever
on board and helping you withthis, because they're a big part
of of that equation.
Love it.
Speaker 2 (14:38):
There's a really great resource.
I'm a big fan of the book vividvision by Cameron Herold.
Now he wrote that book forbusiness owners to help them
communicate their vision totheir teams.
Well, your family is your teamat this point.
Your husband, your partner isyour team.
So I highly recommend that book.
It really helps you to create athree-dimensional world of what
(14:59):
you want all the areas of yourlife to look like in three years
.
So it's not about setting afinancial goal.
It's not about what houseyou're going to buy, it's what.
What is our family going tolook like in three years?
What do we want to experienceat the end of three years?
How do we want our household torun at the end of three years?
What do we want ourrelationship to be like?
What's our financial situation?
(15:20):
So it's really painting a 3dworld of what you want your life
and your business to look likein three years.
And if you can do that andcommunicate it, that gets
everybody else excited about itas well.
So if your kids are old enoughto understand, they can jump
right into that vision and theycan see how they can actually
help you create that vision andthey understand why you need to
(15:41):
have boundaries around your time.
And it also works with yourspouse or partner right, because
the idea is that you have goalsfor your relationship and that
goals for your relationship fitinto your overall vision for
your business and your life.
So everyone's on the same page,all headed in the same
direction.
No one's no one's like.
It's not this anymore, it'sgoing together, does that?
Speaker 1 (16:03):
make sense.
Yes, yes, you're propellingyour entire life, your entire
family, forward, and I love it'smore about the feeling and it's
all about the feeling.
Yes, yes, and I love that and Ifeel like communicating that to
my 5-year-old.
It's not about the pony thatshe'll get someday.
(16:25):
If we can move the businessforward, it's going to be the
lifestyle and what we're able todo, and the connection and the
relationships and just how morefree everything will be and the
fun that we will have.
That's the intention.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
Love it Exactly and I mean, if you've got a five or
six-year-old, they can createvisions for themselves Like what
a great habit to instill in asmall child.
Rather than living reactively,responding to everything in
their life and their environment, they and kids have, like, the
most amazing ability to imagineRight.
So like create a world, likeput their imagination to good
(17:02):
use as well.
It's a great modeling for forhow to create, how to how to
raise a productive young adultlater on in life, love it.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Okay.
So number one was communication.
What's next?
Speaker 2 (17:15):
Now it's putting it into practice.
So now it's saying this is theday we're going to start and
this is what it's going to looklike.
So you start with theboundaries you set up your day.
Part of this is making surethat you're in agreement with
yourself, that you haven't setup some impossibility like you
want to set yourself up forsuccess.
So it's using your calendar.
(17:37):
It's making sure that you'redoing everything possible to
withhold, to uphold your ownboundaries, because normally
you're the one that breaks yourboundaries first, and if you
break your boundaries first,everybody else sees that they
can break your boundaries aswell.
So this is where practice comesin.
So you're sitting and you'reworking spouse, husband's got
(18:00):
the or partner's got the kids.
Someone comes running into the,into your office.
How are you going to respond tothat?
Right?
Set it like pre-playing how yourespond to an interruption.
Sorry, honey, you need to gotalk to dad about that.
Mom's working right now.
Remember we talked about this.
Go see dad, maybe it's closingthe door.
For me, the role was, if myoffice door was closed, you
(18:24):
couldn't knock on my door unlesssomething was on fire or
someone was dying.
And you had no.
There was no one there to helpyou, otherwise everything went
to the person in charge and theywould follow that.
Occasionally I'd get a littlepost-it slid underneath my door
Like, hey mom, just want you toknow I love you.
Or hey mom, just want you toknow we're going to a movie.
You know, like a little post-itnote comes, like sliding under
(18:47):
the door, where's dinner.
That's fine too, and thatinteresting that you said
where's dinner, because anotherpart of this is looking at where
you can outsource, where youcan get some help so that you
can spend a little bitadditional time on your business
Cause, let's be honest, it'snot just childcare, it's who's
(19:10):
doing the laundry, who'scleaning the house, who's making
the dinner, who's thinkingabout grocery shopping, who's
planning for a date next week.
Like the bulk of theresponsibility quite honestly
comes down to mom right?
Moms are always thinking aboutwhat's next, what's going to be
for dinner tonight, what timeare the kids going to take a
(19:32):
bath and get into bed?
Speaker 1 (19:34):
Your brain is going all the time and the idea is
that giving yourself permissionto let it be okay for you to get
help and to ask for what it isthat you need.
I once had somebody told methat owning a business as a mom
I once had somebody told me thatowning a business as a mom you
can't let it not impact yourchildren negatively.
I 100% disagree.
(19:56):
I do think, though, that youhave to give in an area, and I'd
be curious what your take is onthis.
But I think that you do have togive in an area, but we can
choose what area that is, and ifit's the laundry or, you know,
the messy house, like there'soptions and that's my area, it's
(20:17):
like, okay, I do not likelaundry, I never will like
laundry, and that is my area.
Like, when I'm done working, Idon't want to be doing laundry,
I want to be spending it with mykids, right, and so outsourcing
that part, like I feel, likemany women, we feel like it has
to fall on us, like we have todo the laundry ourselves.
(20:38):
But do we really, let's likechallenge ourselves?
Like do we really have to dothe dishes?
No, you, you're running abusiness, you can work, you know
, an extra couple hours a weekand replace that time that you
would be doing laundry withworking on your business, earn
an extra a hundred dollars thatweek to pay for somebody who
(20:59):
does that part.
You know, and so is.
Is that kind of your mentalitytoo, like it's more flexible, um
, or do you feel like we don'thave to give at all in any area
if we don't want to Like?
What's your take on that?
Speaker 2 (21:12):
I think so.
I'm a big fan of looking atwhat's the most, what's the best
use of my time, Right and andyou can break this down into an
equation if you want in terms ofdollars.
So, if I've got two hours,what's more valuable?
Spending it working a businessthat's going to make me money or
spending it folding laundry?
If I spend two hours foldinglaundry, I get to a place of
(21:34):
diminishing returns, which meansI'm actually losing time and
money by doing the things that Icould pay someone 10 or $12 an
hour to do.
Speaker 1 (21:43):
Oh, can you say that again?
I love that.
Speaker 2 (21:46):
Yeah, it's actually.
If you think about it, you'reactually stealing from yourself.
It doesn't make logical sensefor you to do 10 and $12 tasks
because you know that if you'respending your time either
building your business or evenmore valuable time with your
family that you're, that'sactually more valuable than 10
to $12 an hour.
(22:06):
Yes, you get to a place ofdiminishing returns where you
can't do anymore because you'redoing things that you shouldn't
be.
You actually shouldn't be doing, um, and there's a lot of guilt
around that because I was, Iwas brought up in the Midwest.
I know this is rampant and it'slike there's this mentality of
why pay someone something?
Why pay someone for somethingyou can do yourself for free?
(22:27):
Right, like that's a.
That's a middle-class value.
Mow your own yard, excuse me,mow your own yard, clean your
own house, vacuum your ownvacuum your own house, fold your
own laundry.
And it's based on amiddle-class mindset of someone
who's on a fixed income.
It's not based in a growthmindset of someone who's on a
(22:49):
fixed income.
It's not based in a growthmindset of someone who owns
their own business.
And would you rather bespending time cooking dinner or
working until dinner's ready andthen you're fully focused on
having an amazing dinner withyour family and conversation.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
So it really yeah, like like we, we can choose to
have that dinner with our kidsrather than doing the laundry,
and I feel like there's evenguilt, like you're saying, like
there's guilt around even hiringthe laundry out, Totally yes.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
And it's not based on any truth.
Yes, you're actually providingan opportunity, like you're
providing an opportunity forsomeone else, for someone else's
business by hiring them to takecare of your laundry, and
you're providing moreopportunity for you to either
work in your business or spendtime with your family.
It's a win win for everyone.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
There's nothing to feel guilty about I think you're
being supported, I thinkviewing our household as its own
business.
I think viewing our householdas its own business, like, yes,
we have our business business,but we have our house, that's
also business.
And you think of, like a CEO ofa multimillion dollar company,
he's not going to be the onewriting the blog posts, and so I
(24:04):
think that for me, that changesit.
And I think you also brought upa point.
There's, I think, our cultureand in the middle class, you
know, mindset, I think, thatmany people aren't entrepreneurs
, and so you know I mentionedthis to somebody a little while
(24:25):
back that on occasion, like Iwill outsource and have somebody
else do my laundry, likesometimes it's my mom because
she's a saint, but then othertimes, like I'll go drop it off
at the laundromat and have themwash and fold it and go pick it
up and I love it, but they theperson I was telling this to you
(24:45):
know I offered it to him.
I'm like you know you canalways just like drop that off
at the laundromat, and he's like, no, like I couldn't do that,
like it was, but this personalso didn't have that more
entrepreneur, um, kind of aleadership.
I guess, mindset that, look,your time is much better spent
(25:07):
over here rather than, you know,digging in the trenches and
writing, quote unquote, writingthat blog post, because your
time is valuable.
That's something that you can'tget back A hundred percent, and
that's it too.
Speaker 2 (25:22):
It's that people don't see that there's a limited
amount of time and that thateach piece of that time is worth
something.
Right, like you spend threehours mowing your lawn, you've
just lost money in your businessbecause that's three hours that
you could have been spending onbusiness development.
Love that, it's just anequation.
(25:47):
There's nothing emotional aboutit.
It's just an equation.
There's nothing emotional aboutit.
It's just an equation.
Speaker 1 (25:52):
Okay, so anything else.
So those are like the twothings I think are so helpful
for for the moms who arestruggling with this, is there?
Is there any other steps thatthey need to go through that you
think would help them?
I think there's a couplethere's two points.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
One go through that you think would help them.
I think there's a couple.
There's two points.
One your kids can do things andactually it builds self-esteem
If they do things.
At certain ages.
They can make their own bed,they can vacuum, they can sweep,
they can clean the toilets,they can do their own laundry,
they can do your laundry, theycan do food prep.
So if you're sharing your visionwith your team, with your team,
your family prep.
(26:29):
So if you're sharing your visionwith your team, with your team,
your family and you're sayingthis is what we want to create,
they want to be able to see howthey can play a part in that,
even if they're little.
So for a five-year-old puttingaway the dishes, right, I mean,
there's whole books written onwhat children are capable of.
But we as a society have justgotten used to doing everything
for our kids because we feellike bad parents if we don't.
The truth is, if you doeverything for your kids, you're
(26:51):
missing out on a reallyimportant opportunity for them
to develop self-esteem andself-reliance and giving them a
part in building the family thatyou wanna create.
So put them to work, give themresponsibilities.
You don't need to be doing allof the things outside of your
business and in most cases youdon't need to be doing all of
the things outside of yourbusiness and in most cases you
don't even really need tooutsource it to anyone higher
(27:12):
and you can outsource it to yourfamily, but you just need to
give yourself permission toteach them how to do that and to
ask them to do that.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
I love that, yes, and I think that you can make it
fun too.
You know like for my five andseven-year-old you know it fun
too.
You know like for my five andseven year old.
You know doing the dishes.
You know, okay, but after we dothe dishes and clean up the
house, imagine how more cleanit'll feel and how much more
room we will have to play, andthen we can go out and get ice
(27:43):
cream or we can play that gameLike you can make it fun.
I think a lot of it is aboutyour attitude, totally totally.
Speaker 2 (27:53):
And then the other point is I've spoken to so many
women who are looking to buildtheir business and I'm coaching
them through kind of what needsto happen, and their response
will be I can't because I havekids.
I can't, I just can't because Ihave kids.
And I think what's important tounderstand is that you're
(28:13):
making your children responsiblefor your dream, or lack thereof
, which then puts like, causesthem to experience guilt because
they're now responsible for younot doing what it is that you
want to do.
Never am I going to make mykids responsible for what I do
or I don't do.
If I want to grow my business,then there's a way they're not
(28:35):
going to be my excuse.
That's 100% unfair to them thisis so good, right.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
This one is really hitting home, because how many
times do I say, you know, Ican't go out and do that thing
that I used to love doingbecause I have kids, like, and I
think that we are just a lotharder on ourselves when really
and this is a I've beenstruggling with this.
Right now it's like gettingback into some of it.
(29:06):
So I recently went through adivorce and so I'm one of those
single moms that doesn't have,you know, the husband asked to
watch the kids and I'm likefiguring out this whole, you
know, juggling kids and work andeverything, and it's been an
adjustment.
But I've also seen that, likethrough the years I've I've
(29:27):
really put myself on a backburner and you saying, you know,
pretty much blaming the kidsfor for me not taking the
initiative to go out and do youknow and and have the life that
that I want to want to live andhave, and it doesn't have to be
like that, right, and hit itright on the head.
Speaker 2 (29:50):
And that's not saying if you don't wanna do something
, don't do it.
Just don't use your kids as anexcuse.
Just say I don't wanna do that,right?
I don't wanna go out and godancing at 11 pm because at nine
o'clock I'm asleep.
It's not because of my kids.
Go dancing at 11 PM because atnine o'clock I'm asleep.
It's not because of my kids,it's because I don't want to go
Like I don't want to, and that'sfine.
But if you really feel insidethat you have a dream that you
(30:12):
want to do something, then thereis always a way for you to make
that happen and still be themom that you want to be, the
partner that you want to be, thedaughter that you want to be,
the sister that you want to beit daughter that you want to be
the sister that you want to be.
It's this like idea that's beendrilled into our head that we
(30:33):
have to come last, that we haveto self-sacrifice for everybody
else.
Part of that is because that'sthe message we got from our
parents, our mothers and ourgrandmothers, that they
sacrificed for us.
So now we feel like we've gotto do that as well.
But it's just not based in anykind of truth.
It's just based in emotionalmanipulation.
So if there's something thatyou really want to do, there has
to be a way, and I experiencedthis firsthand.
So I was building my business.
(30:54):
I was working with my businesspartner.
He was in a different part ofthe country and we were meeting
with clients that were flying infrom all over the world.
I was in Wisconsin, he was inMaryland.
I've got two small kids.
He's got two uh like teenagekids that he's managing.
So we're both like.
(31:14):
We both have busy lives.
We would have meetings inMaryland and I would need to fly
to Maryland, and then we wouldput on seminars all over the
country and I would need to fly,and I was gone a lot, way too
much.
I hated it.
I hated being gone from thegirls.
I didn't want to miss anything.
So my husband and I sat down andwe were like, okay, this is
something that you know, thatyou want, this is the vision
(31:35):
that we have of our life.
How can we make this happen?
And we actually turned topulling the kids out of
traditional school.
We hired a part, we hired afull-time teacher for way less
than you would think it wouldcost to hire a full-time teacher
and she became our our teacherslash nanny and she traveled
with us.
Now, that was not highlyaccepted by my family.
(31:58):
People thought we wereabsolutely nuts.
We got questions like, oh, yourkids are going to be, you know,
antisocial or not going to knowhow to relate to other kids,
which is complete BS.
But we had to really take astand for what was going to work
for us so that we could achievethe goals that we wanted to
achieve, and it turned out fine.
I have two fantasticallyadjusted kids.
One is working full time andadulting.
(32:19):
The other is a sophomore incollege, a marketing major.
Like we did not screw up theirlives, we simply said this is
the life that we want to createand we found the solutions and
we created it.
So whenever you feel yourselfdefaulting to I can't because of
(32:39):
my kids, or I have to waituntil the kids are this age,
just know that's.
That's not the truth.
There's something elseunderneath that excuse that's
causing you to step back truth.
There's something elseunderneath that excuse that's
causing you to step back and itactually doesn't have anything
to do with your kids.
Speaker 1 (32:50):
Oftentimes I've talked about on this podcast of
of judgment from people who Imean, really, at the end of the
(33:11):
day, I didn't even care aboutwhat they thought, like what's
Dave Ramsey says.
Like you know, you're trying tohis saying.
It's like you're trying toimpress the people that you
don't like man, it's like righton the tip of the tongue.
But you know the one that I'mtalking about, yes, and in that
once I have, in each and everytime in these situations, when I
(33:35):
have let go of that and I'vejust like focused on staying in
my own lane and and stop caringabout what they think and make
decisions internally from my ownempowered self, I was able to
move forward in my business alot faster and progress a lot
(33:57):
quicker because I was makingdecisions from a grounded place
rather than an externalvalidation.
I don't know if that makes sense, but like I feel like there's a
lot of power in that and makingdecisions from that rather than
externally, because that'swhere we're going to get held
(34:19):
back.
It's when we care too muchabout like what others think,
and I feel like your, yourentire story there was was that
it's we care too much about,like what others think, and I
feel like your your entire storythere was was that it's um man.
I'm like stumbling on my words,but I I feel like that is is an
example of what it can do foryou once you overcome that
mindset.
Speaker 2 (34:38):
I mean like our beginnings were humble.
My dad was a factory worker, myhusband grew up in a, in a
trailer, like we were lowermiddle-class.
For us to say we're going tohire a teacher to teach our kids
so that we can, they can travelwith us and they can experience
(34:58):
the the world, like that, justin making the decision to do
that and actually like look forthe higher and you know, it was
like, oh my God, everybodyaround us, I mean my, my, my
dad's side of the family isdairy farmers, right, like you,
(35:20):
just you don't do that, itdidn't happen.
I'm the first entrepreneur.
On either side of my family.
They all thought I'd lost mymind and I was drinking some
kind of strange Kool-Aid Like I.
Just I just had to put theblinders on and say, no, this is
what, this is what we want,this is what's possible.
So my kids got this amazing,amazing education where if we
(35:42):
went to Arizona, their teacherwould take them to the zoo in
Arizona.
And they talk about desertanimals and they learn about
desert culture and NativeAmerican culture, and we go to
Atlanta and I mean, it was just,it was.
It was an amazing experiencefor them, gave them a breadth of
knowledge that they wouldn'thave received in traditional
school.
And I know because both myhusband and I were elementary
(36:03):
school teachers for 10 years.
So we clearly, we very clearlyunderstand the public school
system.
Um, but it was not, uh, it wasnot an easy thing.
We really had to be willing tojust like, put our blinders on
and do what we needed to do.
It was best for our family,based on the vision that we
created of where we wanted to goand what we wanted to
experience.
Speaker 1 (36:23):
I love that.
And now look at your businessand what you've been able to do
because of that decision.
Speaker 2 (36:30):
I would have if we hadn't made that decision.
I probably would have.
I call it family pacing ormarital pacing, where you slow
yourself down so that you don'tcreate too much gap between
where you are and where yourfamily is.
There's no way we would havegrown the company to the size
(36:50):
that it is today had we not madethat decision.
Speaker 1 (36:54):
Love that of information that you think would
be helpful for the moms whoeither are still struggling like
with this, or what's yourending note that we can lead off
on.
Speaker 2 (37:15):
So in our business we grow business leaders.
So our whole business is aboutworking with business owners to
help create them into the leaderthat they need to be to grow
and scale their company.
And a leader in business is nodifferent than a leader in the
(37:36):
family, and they're generallyfour types of leaders and,
ironically enough, two of thosetypes of leaders don't even want
to be leaders and shouldn't beleaders.
They're the visionary thatneeds to have a second in
command that actually manageseverything.
So I think a key thing is toreally understand who you are as
a person, who you are as aleader, both in your business
(37:58):
and in your family, so that youcan create things that support
you in growing your company.
So let me give an example.
I'm a catalyst leader.
I love to build people.
My superpower is consulting,coaching, building people.
I work with a team of 12 herein our corporate offices and my
primary goal is to make them thebest that they can be so that
(38:20):
our company grows, because ifyou've got a crappy team, your
business isn't going to grow.
Period right.
However, I know that my Achillesheel is in setting boundaries
and in the fear of what peoplethink, so I know that I've got
to be really careful as a leaderto make sure that I've got
clear boundaries set up, becauseI will fall back into
(38:41):
self-sacrificing.
I will fall back into doingthings for otherrificing.
I will fall back into doingthings for other people that
they can easily do forthemselves.
So, moms, if you fall intoeasily doing things for your
kids that they can easily do forthemselves, chances are you're
probably a catalyst leader andyou need to set some boundaries,
knowing that you have a need tobe the savior, you have a need
(39:02):
to be the peacekeeper.
That and those roles werepicked up, obviously, when you
were a child as well.
So, first thing is, it could bereally helpful for you to
understand what type of leaderyou are, to know what your
strengths are so you can play tothem, and then know what your
weaknesses may be, so you canset things up for those not to
be your weaknesses anymore.
Does that make sense?
(39:24):
A charismatic leader loves to bethe one in front of the camera,
loves to be the one that'stalking about the vision.
It's got great ideas, that'sreally creative, but isn't the
doer.
Can't stand the idea ofdelegating anything.
Details get lost in the shuffle.
That person needs someone tocome in and help them organize.
They're usually a littleunorganized, so they need
someone to help them come in andhelp them organize.
(39:44):
They're usually a littleunorganized, so they need
someone to help them come in andbe organized, and they also
need to set boundaries aroundtheir calendar.
So the idea behind all of thisis to understand who you are and
what leader you are, so thatyou can work to your strengths
and strengthen your weaknesses.
And that shows up in all areasof your life, whether you're a
(40:04):
multimillion dollar owner of acompany or whether you've got a
boutique business side hustleselling on Etsy and you're
trying to manage your family atthe same time.
It's really important tounderstand yourself so that you
know what needs to be set up inplace, to be put in place so
that you can be as successful aspossible.
Speaker 1 (40:24):
I feel like I'm like those two combined.
You probably are I'm likesporadic and, you know, have my
ADHD tendencies, so I'm kind ofall over the place.
But then I'm also the, and Ikind of feel like an enabler,
like at times, like my kids, youknow they can do the things
(40:46):
themselves, but at the same timeI'm like, oh no, I can just do
it, you know, so that they cango and play, and I'll just, you
know, put this way because butpart of it's too like I'm just
like it's easier for me to goand do the thing than to fight
them, because there's almostalways that pushback.
(41:07):
So I'm like, huh, I wonderwhich kind I am.
But I think I'm both of themcombined.
Speaker 2 (41:13):
Probably, and we've developed a leadership
assessment that, through aseries of questions, will
actually categorize you into oneof four leadership types, and
the cool thing is that it spitsout an entire report of your
strengths and weaknesses andgives you suggestions on how to
strengthen those weaknesses.
(41:33):
So it's completely free.
I think it would be of greatvalue to your audience, and even
you, especially so take thequiz.
Speaker 1 (41:43):
Where can I go to take the quiz?
Speaker 2 (41:45):
I'm going to give you the link that you can then
share in in show notes.
It's a really long link to tryto say so.
If you, if you produce shownotes or put this with a with a
social media post, you just popthe link right in there and
you'd be good to go.
Speaker 1 (41:59):
Okay, all right.
And what is that called?
It's the four.
It's called the visionary'scalled the.
Visionary Leadership Assessment.
Visionary Leadership AssessmentAwesome, okay, and is there
anything else you'd like toshare, like where people can go
to find you, or just go and takethat assessment and they'll be
(42:19):
good to go?
Speaker 2 (42:20):
Two places you can go and find me.
You can follow me on Instagram.
I'm constantly putting postsand giving away freebies about
both how to run your businessand how to manage your life, so
everything from leadership tipsto lifestyle tips.
My Instagram is at Steph Tusswith a P-H-T-U-S-S on Instagram,
(42:40):
and you can also go to ourwebsite, lifeisnowinccom, and
you will find this assessment onour website as well.
So if can also go to ourwebsite, lifeisnowinccom, and
you will find this assessment onour website as well.
So if you just go tolifeisnowinccom, you'll be able
to see the little link to takethe assessment.
Speaker 1 (42:52):
Okay, we'll be sure to link to all of those, and
this has been so fun.
Steph, thank you so much forcoming on.
It's been a pleasure having you.
It's been so fun, thank you.
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