September 21, 2022 • 49 mins
E.11 Take a moment, and take a breath. A deep breath. How about five deep breaths. Seems simple enough, right? But we often forget that we are even breathing, let alone take...
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(00:02):
Welcome to the nest and nurture podcast.
I'm your host andpsychotherapist Leisha cash.
Now let's get thistherapy session started.
Hi, and welcome back to the podcast.Thank you so much for joining me today.
I had originally thought I was goingto do a meditation because I've had
(00:23):
this flow of basically an episode talkingabout content and then a meditation.
So I had initially started thisepisode very differently and as
I was discussing some of the conceptsbehind mindfulness and meditation,
I went into a world that Iwasn't expecting and decided to
talk a little bit more about perfectionismand how we can actually find that
(00:47):
in our meditation practice and self care.
And this all kind ofcame up because I often
feel that when I'm talking about copingstrategies or talking about filling
people's cups and what makes you, you,
and how do you restoreyourself and fill your cup?
There's a lot of feelings around doingsomething well, when we're doing that.
(01:09):
And if we're not, then it's notnecessarily filling our cup.
And I often talk to womenabout how we in the moment get
overwhelmed or over stimulated.And it results in anger,
frustration, snapping,
which then leads to guilt andshame and all of those things.
So I decided to redirectthis session, this episode,
(01:34):
to discuss more about being less
judgemental of our meditationand mindfulness practice by
integrating breath throughoutthe day in the simplest way
and in doing so,
we have filled our cup a littlebit and we might have more capacity
(01:55):
to manage our emotions as well ashelp others around us regulate.
And it's really important to think about
breath as a way to regulate our emotions,
but also to do it without judgment.
So if you're somebody who says Idon't do meditation well, you know,
(02:17):
whether it be that you can't be focusedin the moment or that you get on a good
path of doing it every single day,
and then you slip out and then youfeel like you're not doing the work.
This episode is for you.
If you're somebody who feels likethey get overwhelmed in the moment,
get triggered, and then they,
it results in behavior or inaction or something that you say or
(02:38):
emotions that you just don't reallyenjoy. This episode is for you.
I'm gonna talk a littlebit about perfectionism in this process of mindfulness
and why we wanna get it right.
And start to try to removethat judgment and saying,
let's just start with the basics.
Five simple well-intentionedbreasts as our meditation practice.
(03:00):
Maybe weave it in more oftenthan we might have normally done.
And if you don't do itevery day, that's okay.
But because it's so short and sweet,
it's easier to integrate into our life.
And then we may start noticinghow often dysregulated
what the triggers are and startself-regulating in the moment so
(03:23):
that we don't necessarilyhit our breaking point,
that we get to it before thebreaking point. If that makes sense,
usually we're burnt out when wehit our breaking point and these
restorative well-intentionedbreaths can at least buffer some of
that, maybe delay the burnout aswe try to integrate more self care
(03:48):
into our life, filling upour cup a little bit more.
So now that I'vereintroduced this podcast,
I'm gonna get right into the episodewith the rest of the content that I kept
from this. And I hope thatit is helpful in some way.
So here we go.
(04:11):
Sometimes I talk to clients and say,
I'm not good at meditationbecause I can't stay
focused. And my daily meditation, Itry to dedicate 30 minutes and I say,
just wait a second.
if you can take five
well-intentioned breaths throughout theday where you actually pull yourself
(04:35):
back into the present moment, that's okay,
that's doing a goodjob. That's meditating.
Sometimes we don't have 30 minutesto sit there and go inward and
internalize our experienceand do breath work.
Sometimes we have 30seconds between transitions.
(04:57):
Sometimes we hear our baby wake upfrom a nap, maybe an hour early,
and we need a moment to take a breath.
So although this podcastshould be dedicated maybe to a
20 to 30 a minute meditation to makeit worth your while I wanted to come on
here and talk about whybreath work is important.
(05:19):
And then I wanna do just a littleshort meditation for everybody here
that might not have time fora 20 or 30 minute meditation.
This one is for you. And ifyou're gonna come back to it,
then of course skipthrough all this banter.
But I ideally this isn't even somethingyou really need to listen to in order
(05:40):
to do this meditation. It'sjust a simple reminder.
So why do we struggle with meditation?
Probably because we feellike we have to perfect it.
And I remember I took acourse in my master's program
that required us to be much more open to
(06:02):
abstract thought.
And for any of my friendsthat were in school with me,
especially one taco you'll know.
And remember that I reallystruggled with abstract thinking,
which for me is funny becauseI'm aside from doing this work,
I'm very much a creative. Like Ireally enjoy the arts. I'm a singer.
(06:25):
I write music. I am very crafty.
I do a lot of DIY stuff.
And so abstract is,
is part of my language.
But I'm learning that sometimes when itcomes to academic abstract, it's not,
I prefer concrete thought processes.
(06:48):
And I prefer theories that havebeen in the works for a long
time that have steps.
And that's why a lot of mypodcasts are kind of like here,
this is a concept or idea,
and here's some things you cando in order for how you can feel
better. And I find that to be morehelpful. So I sat in this class,
(07:09):
this abstract thoughtclass, which talked about,
I don't even,
I don't even know if I can explain ithere because I could not grasp what
we were talking about.
And I talk about perfectionism.Well, let me just admit,
I am a self proclaimed perfectionist.
(07:31):
And my goal in my master's programis to be on the Dean's list.
That was kind of like one of the thingsthat I thought was really important at
the time.
It's definitely down on my list now thatI've had children and there's much more
challenging things in my life, butI was really, really, really trying.
And I'm a student that reallyneeds to put effort in,
(07:55):
I I'm just, I'm academicallysmart, but I really have to study.
And I don't naturally absorb things. SoI really have to work towards my grades.
And so this class was going to be
the death of me.
Like essentially every week I wentand every week I regretted taking it,
but I took the course specificallybecause the professor was
(08:19):
amazing and she worked out of achildren's mental health clinic
and we got to go to this, the classes,
and we got to watch familytherapy happen in action,
which I found very interesting.
But on the other side of it was thiscontent that wasn't necessarily related
to family therapy, as muchas I thought it would be.
(08:40):
And it was completely out there for me.
Like I just couldn't get it.
And it was based inmindfulness and meditation.
And so every single class,
we would have a moment or a fewminutes or five to 10 minutes of
meditation. And the wholetime I couldn't focus,
(09:02):
I was really, reallyfocused on doing it. Right.
And I was still tryingto decode this
professor's theory and concept
and methodology. And I just kept thinking,
what is wrong with me that I can't get it.
(09:23):
And my friend taco was in the class and
she got it. Like she was gettinglike A's and a pluses on her papers.
I'm pretty sure if I can remember. Right.
And I was just like, yougotta explain this to me.
And she would say it and I'd belike, yeah, I think I get it.
(09:43):
But I didn't. And tothis day I don't get it.
And I actually had to go back tothat pro multiple times to say, okay,
this is what I'm writing in my paper.Am I completely missing the mark?
And it was, yes.
So I feel like it is a weirdthing for me to now start this
meditation telling you that I was not
(10:06):
understanding aspects ofmeditation in my master's program,
but it kind of brings up this idea
that there is this perfectway of understanding
a concept or trying to doyour best and feeling like
(10:26):
you're not. And it beingreally frustrating.
And so when I say this,doesn't have to be perfect.
It genuinely doesn't you aren'tgetting a grade for this. Like I was,
I did end up getting an a in the course,
I think just because theprof was so clear that I was
(10:47):
trying so hard, I made itvery clear that I was really,
really trying to, to dowell in this course. Um,
I should have picked somethingthat was an easy course,
but this was just somethingI was really interested in.
And it really frustrated me thatI couldn't get it right. Um,
but as I've come out of that space,it just wasn't resonating with me.
(11:10):
It was just something thatwasn't resonating with me because it's not the way I
viewed meditation and mindfulness.
And I would love to revisit it now thatI've been practiced for a while to see
if I can reengage with the content,but I really don't think I can.
So with all of that, tosay, if you're still here,
(11:31):
I,
I want to really stress with thesemeditations and going forward in your
practice, in your life, through, youknow, any kind of these podcast episodes,
when I'm talking about practicingand thinking and processing,
it is not easy to be perfectin any of these things. Right?
(11:52):
And it can feel frustratingin therapy when we are really
trying, like you're coming to everysession, you're writing notes,
you're taking it out. And you'resaying, I'm going to work on myself.
I'm putting in the timeI'm putting in the money.
I'm putting in the effortand I'm here to work. And
(12:13):
it feels stagnant at times.
And we feel stuck where thingsin our life aren't changing.
And it's really easy to get down onourselves and say, what am I missing?
What is going on with me that Ican't grasp these concepts that
is talking about in therapy, or Ican grasp them. But in real time,
(12:36):
I'm not putting them into mylife. I'm not able to apply it.
My brain is taking over.And although I said,
I wasn't going to snap at my husband,I'm snapping on him. Or although I said,
I didn't wanna yell at mykids. I'm yelling at them.
And we do the work and we come to sessionand we try really hard and we're not
meeting the mark.
(12:58):
And like anything else, you know,
life takes over in certain moments.
And we can't always processin the moment we have a lot
going on in our minds.
So when you're thinking aboutmeditation and practicing breath
work,
I want you to remove thisconcept of perfection.
(13:22):
I want you to take away this ideathat if you don't do it every single
day at 7:00 AM,
when you open your eyes and youcan't turn off your thoughts and you
feel very distant from the practice thatyou're doing something wrong and that
it's not working. I say,
if you start a meditation and youcan't get your head in the game,
(13:46):
stop utilize another coping strategy.
Maybe having a glass of wateroutside is something better for
you in that moment. Maybe insteadof your 20 minute meditation,
you go for a quick walk around theblock. If you can't leave the house,
maybe it's skipping the meditationat 8:00 AM and doing a coffee
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instead.
So noticing when it'sbeneficial and when it is
not, is the biggest piece.
It can't be forced if it'ssupposed to be self-care
because that takes away the whole benefit.
Right?
(14:28):
A lot of the time I'm talking to clientsabout finding coping strategies at work
and at some points in their life,
certain coping strategies haveworked certain tools or certain
things that they enjoy. Thingsthat used to fill their cups.
Certain self care activities,
no longer serve them when they used to.
(14:49):
And it can feel reallydisheartening. It can,
it can make you stop for a moment and say,
what is going on with me that Iused to really enjoy doing this.
And now I'm dreading it.
And I felt that way aboutcertain things in my life too.
And still we do them becausethey are part of our routine,
(15:09):
or we have no choice,
but with meditation orfilling your cup in some way,
if it's not serving you,it's not serving you.
It's actually taking away from your cup.
So shifting that focusa little bit and saying,
why is this no longer serving me?
Is it because I'm trying tomake it perfect? Am I trying to
(15:35):
make something fit?
Because it makes sense becauseeverybody says mindfulness
and meditation is somethingthat I should be doing,
that I should be doing that internal work,
but then I'm sitting here and I'mfeeling like I'm wasting time because I'm
doing my to-do list in my mind.
Instead of being presentand using my breath to focus
(15:56):
sometimes in sessions,
I really am clear about whatkind of methodologies I utilize
and the fact that not everythingworks for everyone, right?
Some people just don't wanna domindfulness. They don't believe in it,
or they find meditationunhelpful. And that is okay,
but it's also okay. Thatit's sometimes helpful.
(16:19):
And sometimes not that maybe you'rehaving one of those days where
it feels like if youwent inside and did the
meditation you'd fall apart,
maybe not to distract yourself,
but maybe a run or a workoutwould be better than a meditation.
(16:40):
I have some other clients that say,if I don't make it part of my routine,
it doesn't happen. Andthat is totally fair.
But I always suggest havingalternatives just in case,
because it's good to schedule inself-care if it doesn't happen
otherwise, or filling your cup insome way and gaining back capacity,
that's so important.
(17:01):
But if it is taking away from you,
just because it feels like a taskthat you have to cross off your list,
have an alternative backupplan that's in place.
If you can't do the meditationthat day, if you feel like,
if you go internal in that moment,before you start your work day,
you won't get to work and feel,okay, you'll actually feel worse.
(17:24):
Or if your children are awake and they'rerunning around you and you feel like
I, how am I supposed to do thisself care moment right now?
I'm literally trying tokeep the world together.
Then it's probably nota great time with that.
All being said,
I feel that it's really important to say
(17:48):
in the chaos of everythinggoing on, deep breathing,
intentional, deepbreathing is so important.
I've been doing a lot of work withmy four year old right now about, um,
just emotion regulation.She's more sensitive, caring,
(18:09):
soft kind of passive child.
And she's very social kind smart,
but she picks up on alot of things around her.
And she's obviously she's four, right?
She's going through a hugetransition going to school.
And she was totally ready forschool. I was not concerned at all,
(18:29):
but I've noticed just the intensitythat is going to school as a
four year old and beingaway from her sister who has
basically been by her sidesince the pandemic started and her trying to navigate
all of these things. And sometimesbecause her sister is very vocal,
(18:49):
opinionated and she's 21 months.
Sometimes my daughter, myoldest doesn't get all of me.
Right. She's having an emotional moment.
Her sister's having an emotional moment.
I'm helping her sister self-regulateand she is still looking for some help.
Self-regulating.
So I've been doing more work withbreath and just reintroducing
(19:14):
taking a breath.
And it is noticeable inthose moments that even
I have to take a breath, me,
teaching her to stop and breatheis forcing me to also say
Leisha,
you feel dysregulatedright now by your child reacting
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emotionally,
because you are trying to get the kidsout of the door so that you're not late
for school again.
And you have one ki kid who won'tput their shoes on and is screaming.
And you have the other kid who wantsher Tiara in, but she can't find it.
And you're feeling really dysregulatedby this moment because the
priority is getting out the door,
(19:58):
but you have a lot ofemotions coming your way.
So I'm telling my oldest to take a breath.
I'm telling my youngest to takea breath, but she's, you know,
in her own little world.And then I'm like,
take a breath Leisha.You also need to do it.
And those humbling moments remindme that I have to remind other
(20:20):
people to do it too. And Ican say it to my clients,
you know, every single session, but Ialso have to practice what I preach.
And in those moments,
I am mindful of the fact that that's notthe first thing that comes to my mind.
The first thing to come to my mindis get these kids out the door.
What do I gotta do to getthese, these kids out the door?
(20:43):
And I immediately revertback to like my childhood,
which was like, we should hold ittogether and, you know, stop crying.
And we gotta go. And thepriority is getting out the door.
And that's that old school mentalityof kind of containing and you know,
feeling better immediately.
But I have to remind myself thatthat's not how I want to parent,
(21:06):
um, and no fault to my parents at all.
It was just the way of theworld at that point. Um,
but I immediately kind of revert to thatmindset because it's the easiest route
to go, right? It's easy tosay stop and not say, oh,
I'm being triggered by my child'semotions right now. I'm gonna stop.
I'm gonna breathe. I'mgonna take a moment.
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And then I'm gonna tellmy child to do the same.
Doesn't mean that the behavior or theresponse or the feelings are gonna stop
for my child, but maybethey can self regulate.
They can watch me self regulate andthen they can self regulate too.
And my child, there's just,
there's no hope in this regardwe say it, but it's, um,
(21:51):
that's a work in progress, right?
So in saying all that, it promptedme to think about this episode.
If I'm a therapist doingthis work all the time,
telling everybody to take a breathand I'm forgetting to do it,
then this is your reminderto do it. And it's also mine.
It's so important to findourself in those moments and say,
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what is going on? Whyare you dysregulated?
Probably because you have two kids,
you're trying to get out the door andyou're at no capacity because you probably
haven't done much for yourselfthis week. And you're tired.
And it's really hard jugglingemotions that are all over the place,
(22:38):
let alone your own.
So I offer myself some kindness andcompassion because we can easily go into
guilt and shame land, butI'm not gonna do that.
At least that's what I'mtelling you in this podcast.
But then I give myself amoment and I say, okay,
I'm gonna take a breath.
And sometimes it's helpful to kind ofremove yourself from that situation.
(23:01):
So I might go into the kitchen ifeverybody's self safe in the foyer,
I might just walk around,take a deep breath in
that really. So, and Imight do that five times
and then I go back in the roomand I say, okay, oldest daughter,
take a moment and take a breath.
(23:24):
It's kind of like similar to thelife vest scenario on the plane.
I need to give myself a breath inorder to help my child self-regulate.
And sometimes, I mean, we have to leaveto go to the bathroom before we go,
cuz you know, we gotta make sure ourchildren have gone to the washroom.
And so that's sometimes themoment as well, where I say, okay,
(23:45):
why don't you go to the bathroom, take abreath. We'll revisit this in a moment.
And it also removes my daughterfrom that moment of upset or panic
or, or whatever she's going throughto re to reframe her brain to say,
okay, I have a task to do.
It's not distraction is more so justkind of moving her physical body without
(24:06):
also derailing our schedule to leavethe house. It's part of our routine.
And while she's doing that,I'm also self-regulating.
And then we come back together, wetake a couple more deep breaths.
We get a hug, we do a little repairmoment and then we head out the door.
So that's just an example ofhow I have to ring myself in,
(24:27):
in certain moments and noticethe breath and help my child.
But it's also a moment ofsaying it doesn't have to be a
20 minute meditation to, to kickstartyour day. Doesn't have to be perfect.
It doesn't have to be asilent room with a candle on,
in your favorite cup of tea. Even thoughI love to do meditations like that.
(24:48):
And I love to offer that space to do so.
It could just be a quick breath.
It could just be a wellintentioned, quick breath.
Sometimes I remember as a child andeven now I, I take a huge breath.
in moments of upset. Andsometimes my husband will be like,
are you good? Or if he goes, I'm like,
(25:13):
are you good? Are you frustrated?
And it's usually it isa frustration breath.
It's not a restorative breath.So that's my next point.
It
noticing when you'retaking a big frustration
breath,
either to vocalize frustration toyour partner or to your children
(25:38):
or to yourself, does it feel relievingmaybe, but is it restorative?
Is it restricted
or is it actually allowing oxygen in
to replenish your body andget your brain moving and to
reframe and reset in thatmoment of frustration?
(26:02):
I would argue that most times it'sprobably not that restorative when you're
doing a frustration breath,
but it does help you get oxygenin your brain to say, okay,
how do I feel about this?
And then it could take you intothe next breath of saying, okay,
I'm gonna do somemindful, reset, breathing,
some intentional breathing.
(26:25):
So noticing those momentsbecause that's the sign,
that's the sign we needto do the self care.
I often say to clients,okay, what are your,
what are your what's goingon for you right now?
And they list all of these kind ofsymptoms of everything that's going on for
them right now. And I say, okay,
so your body's actually trying totell you to take care of yourself.
(26:48):
This is your body saying,Hey, I've hit capacity.
I don't have what it takes totake care of myself anymore.
Can you do something to changethat those chronic headaches
probably sign a burnout, you know,
probably a sign that you havenot taken care of yourself.
So these breaths infrustration, these size,
(27:11):
these deep moments whereyou're like really in it,
and you have to take a breath to reset,
may a sign that youhave to take a few more,
maybe remove yourselffrom the physical space,
go into another room and take a breath.
So it's important to notice,
(27:34):
even in those circumstances, our body
building mind, body connection,
which we weren't taught really. I mean,
some people were as they grew up their,
if their parents were well intentionedand well informed or really noticing,
and they really actively tryingto do emotion regulation,
(27:57):
but nowadays it's much more concrete.
It's not this abstract thought it's
more discussed and peopleare more aware of it.
And we're more interested in developingthose skills with our children,
just because we have that information.
We've seen the effects of not havingemotion regulation and we wanna make
(28:18):
change.
So in order to do so in orderto teach our children that we
wanna also embody it, oh,
you seem really frustrated rightnow you took a frustration breath.
Maybe you need to take a couple morebreaths so that you can calm your body
after maybe that was abreath made in anger.
(28:41):
And we wanna start toslow down our breath,
be well intentioned so that you'rebreathing with less intensity
in a negative emotion,
not even a negative emotion emotionthat might not feel so good.
So noticing our own breath and whenour body is trying to give us a sign
(29:01):
that we need to take a minute.
And then also teaching that toour children allows for more
breaths in that space, right?
But it also gives us the capacity tomanage their emotions or to help manage
their emotions.
So as we move into thissmall brief moment of breath,
(29:23):
I want you to think about those things.
What are some times throughout the daywhere you might actually benefit from
that deep well-intentioned breath,
but only have about 30seconds to a minute to do it
for me, it's early morning,getting kids ready for school,
(29:45):
getting toddler andchild ready for school.
And the intensity that comes with that,
I think also pick up whenI have to take my baby
from her nap and rush out the doorand try to be on time for pickup.
I never want my child waiting for me.
I also notice deep breaths needingto be happening around witching hour,
(30:09):
cuz we're still in that where thechildren are hungry and dinner's not quite
ready and maybe bedtime routine.
That's a big time with a lot ofemotions and tired children where I
might have to say, I'm gonnatake a moment to take a breath.
So noticing and thinking about when those
(30:31):
times often occur is important,
because then you can do that work inthe moment without having to hit your
breaking point.
And that's one of the things I like toweave into sessions often is what are the
triggers? How do you notice you get there?
What are the steps that lead tothat? And more often than not,
(30:54):
I have clients saying, you knowwhat? I don't notice I'm there until
I'm there. My husband doesn'tnotice I'm there till I'm crying.
And I'm in my breaking point andI'm not a crier. And he's like,
whoa is everything okay?
And so a lot of my work with clientsis trying to scale it back and say,
(31:14):
how do we notice this feeling?
And how do we notice this momentwithout hitting our breaking points?
How do we self regulate or attune to
our needs, build capacity reset recharge.
Before we get to thepoint where we're snapping
(31:35):
angry, crying,
sad, you know, these are all emotionsthat are normal and all those things.
But sometimes it's like, oh no,
I can't get anything donebeforehand because I'm hitting
my breaking point and saying, oh,
I'm there usually there's moments intriggers. And sometimes there isn't,
(31:58):
sometimes it's like a poor night of sleep.
You're having a good day and all of asudden something happens and then your
dates ruined and that does happen.
But there are moments where we couldprobably say, okay, this happened,
then this happened. Then this happened.
And I hit my breaking point atthis point. Did you breathe?
Did you take well intention, breathduring all of those little moments? No.
(32:20):
Okay.
Maybe that's why you got to that breakingpoint earlier than the end of the day
when you might have normally had itbecause all of these things stacked up and
we didn't take a moment to reset oreven just do any emotion regulation.
One of the other things I like to saywhen we're doing these moments of breath
is to notice our shoulders,our chest, our jaw,
(32:43):
all of our trigger points.
So if you listen to any of the othermeditations in the previous episodes,
you notice that body scanningand intentional breaths in tight
tense, painful places inour body is so important.
So to add to this mix, and again,
no perfection needed, if itdoesn't happen, it's okay.
(33:04):
But if you want to up the antsy with thesewell-intentioned breaths, you notice,
where am I feeling tense in thosefive deep breaths that you're taking?
Where am I feeling tense? AmI feeling tense in my jaw?
Am I feeling tense in my shoulders?
Am my shoulders completely up whereI'm literally shrugging my shoulders,
(33:24):
which happens all of the time.And we just don't even notice.
How about my pelvicfloor? How are my glutes?
Are they really close togetherright now? Cause I'm squeezing.
How's my chest. Oh, is it super tight?Do I need to actually do a Peck stretch?
So in those five well-intentioned breaths,
(33:48):
I want you to notice your body. Becauselike I said, a couple minutes ago,
our body is giving ussigns that we are stressed,
overwhelmed about tohit our breaking point.
Our breath is giving us signs. Maybewe're breathing really quickly.
Maybe we're breathing reallyslowly. Usually that's less likely,
(34:11):
but we are not in tune with our breath.
We're taking breaths offrustration and our body's tense.
And then we snap and we'relike, how did I get here?
It seemed like I was having a prettygood day. I mean, it was a hard day.
Did it take any momentsfor myself? Probably not.
(34:32):
So these are the things I want youto include in this process to our
five well intentioned breaths.
So I'm gonna review thetasks for you first up.
I want you to take sometime in the next few days,
whenever is convenient for youto think about times of your day,
where you feel the most triggered,where you feel the most overwhelmed,
(34:54):
maybe it's morning, morning rush,
maybe it's lunchtime after school,
after work, end of day,
waiting for your husband to come homefrom work after a nap before a nap,
dinner time, dinner, prep, time,
(35:17):
bath time
before you get into bed orwhen you're laying in bed,
find your trigger points. And therecould be many, many throughout the day,
unfortunately, buthopefully not just notice.
(35:37):
And if you don't have the answer,
that's the task to start payingattention to those triggers and those
moments.
Sometimes it's not even necessarily atask that's involved in these moments.
It's just simply the time of day.
So if your children have been upfor 12 hours, maybe that's the time.
(36:01):
Or if you've been up for 12hours, maybe that's the time.
So it may not be necessarilytriggered by a task or an event.
It could just be time,time spent in an activity.
And then I want you to take itto the next step in saying, okay,
so now I know my potential triggers.
I'm gonna start breathing ordoing intentional breath before I
(36:25):
hit my breaking point.
So we know that morning rush is a trigger
for example.
So before I even get my kids downstairs,
they've got their clothes on.They're brushing their teeth.
I am breathing, I'mtaking my five breaths.
(36:47):
And then we go down the stairs and weget their shoes on and all that stuff.
And we get them out to the carand I'm taking five more breaths.
Cause that was hard.
So it's almost like sandwichingbreath work between the hard tasks
and noticing how your body'sdoing in that process.
(37:10):
Are you tense? Is your heart racing?
Are you feeling relaxed? Maybethat's not a triggering moment.
Did the breath help you feel better?
Did it relieve some tension?What are you noticing?
So we're knowing our triggers,
(37:30):
trying to integrate breathbefore we get over stimulated.
And then we are noticing,is there any shifts?
Does this feel good? DoI have more capacity?
Because our brain likes evidence.
We like to know whatwe're doing is productive,
(37:51):
but I feel like that iswhy this method of breath,
intentional breath is so beneficialbecause it's not 30 minutes
where we can feel like, oh mygosh, I just ended my meditation.
I was not in it at all.
I couldn't connect and I'vewasted 30 minutes of my time.
It was so unproductive and I don'teven feel better. It's like, no,
(38:12):
you only took about 30 seconds to aminute to take five. Well, intentioned,
breaths, reset and continueon. That's not a waste of time.
It's a productive use oftime and we are breathing
all day. It's so easyfor that to go unnoticed,
but intentional breathcan change your day.
(38:32):
These are simple things you cando throughout the day to reset,
to refill your cup, to have capacity.And I'm not talking about like,
it's not gonna fill your whole cup,
but it's gonna add maybea couple ounces and
subsequently teach yourchildren how to do the same.
You can articulate what'sgoing on in that moment.
(38:54):
Mommy's just gonna take a breathright now because I'm feeling a lot of
emotions. This is really stressful.
So I'm just gonna take a moment andtake a breath. I'll be right back.
I'm just in the kitchen. Just gimmea minute or not even announce it.
And then come back in the room and say,
mommy just needed to take a coupleminutes to take a couple deep breaths.
Why don't you do the same? Do youwanna try what mommy just did?
(39:15):
It made me feel so much betterand modeling that behavior
and self-regulation, it doeswonders for our children.
So even if they're not ableto do it in that moment,
having that kindness and compassionfor them to say, I get it. It's hard.
But then trying to readdressit later when they're able,
when they have more capacityas well, if it's hard for us,
(39:39):
it's hard for them. If we expectourselves to be perfect at these things,
they may do the same depending on theirpersonality type and just letting them
know that it's okay. If they only havespace to do three breaths that's okay.
So this is what thebreath would look like.
And I love it becauseit's short and sweet.
Just what parents need and people whoare busy and just anybody that's meeting
(40:03):
a really quick reset throughout the day.
So you would find a space that feelsbetter than the space that you're in.
And if it can't be changed, that's fine.
You could be in a meeting with your eyesfully open sitting there listening to
a presentation and you can dothese breaths. So if it feels good,
(40:23):
you can close your eyes. But if you haveto keep your eyes open, that's fine.
And I want you to breathe in throughyour nose and out through your mouth
and we're gonna do it five times.
And while we're doing it,
I just want a simple reminderto pay attention to the breath.
(40:44):
Notice your chest rising and falling.Or if you like to do belly breath,
do the belly breath, notice your tummy,
rising and falling and noticewhere the tension is and
release it. I like toput my hand on my chest.
I like to put my hand on my belly.That grounds me. It centers me.
It makes me become present.
And I like to breathe into thosespaces because sometimes I need that
(41:09):
tangible feeling of breathto really pull my focus in.
Otherwise I might be looking aroundthe room being like, oh my gosh,
there's that thing that she needs totake to school. And I can't forget it.
I'm gonna take a moment.I'm gonna ground and center.
My feet are gonna be on the floor andmy hands on my chest and my tummy.
And I'm taking a well-intentionedbreath in through my nose,
out through my mouth, 10seconds each, if it feels okay,
(41:34):
so let's do it together. Five breaths.First breath in through your nose,
hand out through your mouth
(42:01):
in, through your nose,
out through your mouth
(42:23):
release tension. As youbreathe in through your nose,
out through your mouth
(42:48):
In three, your nose
out
(43:10):
last one in through your nose
and out through your mouth.
(43:31):
I feel centered. I feel grounded.
I feel like I could take ona child. That's screaming.
I feel like I could used threeof those breaths to do that.
Sometimes even one, one, well,
intentioned breath that makesme turn to myself and say,
(43:52):
how are you doing? You need someoxygen. You're holding your breath.
You're exhaling really heavilywith anger and frustration.
That's not changing anything. It'sa labored breath does not feel good.
This is mindfulness.
This is being mindful andintentional with your breath.
(44:15):
You don't need 30 minutes.
You don't need 10 minutes.You can do it in five breaths.
And that's sometimeswhat we need as humans,
just to grasp onto ashort, quick fix
and it doesn't always work.
(44:37):
And it doesn't always erase everything.
The things that are triggering youare still potentially there, right?
Our child may still bescreaming at the end of that,
but I feel that in most cases you'llhave the capacity to walk back in
(44:57):
that room and manage it morethan you would have prior to the
breathing.
When I talk to parents about rageand moments of snapping and regret,
we talk a lot about repair,but it's still lingers with us.
It's still something that we oftencarry, feel sorry for it happening.
Don't want it to happen. And this isusually the first place I like to start.
(45:20):
First.
I talk about burnout andcapacity and normalize and give
kindness and compassion and grace,
because we can be the bestparent and still have moments
where we get upset with our children.
And we'll talk about positive parentingin another podcast episode and all my
(45:40):
feelings about it. But I oftenstart with, take a moment,
take a breath, collect yourself,brush away. Any shame, guilt,
negative feelings about yourself forthat moment, maybe you got upset.
Take the breath, takefive, and then enter again.
(46:01):
Do the repair. If you feel youhave the capacity to sorry,
mommy was upset for a moment,have a lot of feelings,
feeling a little frustrated,
cuz this morning is taking areally long time to go to the door.
Do you need to take a couplebreaths? Would that be helpful?
And then we'll try totie your shoes again.
You did the repair rate in that moment,
you had the capacity to do it cuzyou took five seconds for yourself.
(46:24):
If you're five minutes late forschool, because you had to do that,
that will feel not so great,
but it would probably feel better thanif you screamed at your child and then
felt really bad about that and then sentthem off to school and then sat there,
feeling bad about it forthe rest of the afternoon.
And I say this with so much kindnessbecause I am there with you.
(46:46):
I really don't want mykids to be late for school.
And I'm using this example clearlythat's my trigger right now.
I mean it'swhat week two or three.
And we are still trying tofigure out our life here.
And I I've asked a couple peoplelike, does this get easier? Um,
I'm not sure if it does untilthey're doing it themselves.
(47:07):
But I feel like with teenagers,
you're still also like trying to get themat the door and drive them and all of
those things. So I mightbe in this for a while.
So I'm gonna be taking a lot of breaths.
Now this went a little bit of a differentdirection than my usual podcast.
I kind of just winged it today becauseI had a lot of these thoughts and
feelings about how dowe reset and recharge.
(47:29):
And I feel like when I have clients cometo session, they really want change,
right?
They're either there to have a spaceto share and be able to offload
and,
and not be impacting or I'm gonnause their word burdening anyone else
with their stuff or,
and or because some people do both.They're there to work. They want change.
(47:51):
They want tools. They want,they want to feel better.
They don't wanna feel guilty and shamefuland they don't wanna get upset with
their children.
They wanna get along with their husbandand they want tools and it starts with
simple.
We scale it back and startwith the basics breath.
(48:13):
And we start with theleast judgemental breath,
five deep well-intentionedbreaths that don't
require 30 minute gratitudejournal, 30 minute meditation,
30 minutes of trying to feel better whenwe don't feel we're doing a good enough
job. Five breaths is foolproof
(48:38):
and taking in as many as you want,really. But we'll start with that.
I hope you found thisepisode helpful in some way.
I hope you can take thatfive seconds for yourself,
but you deserve so much more.
So if you've hit your limit and thesedon't seem to be doing anything for you,
it's a sign that youdon't have the capacity,
(49:00):
cuz you're probably burnt outand you need more than just
five seconds of breath. Once ina while, you need a lot more,
not necessarily a 30 minute meditation,
but something genuinelythat's going to fill your cup.
You deserve it.
(49:21):
And in case someone hasn'talready told you today,
you are amazing.
Thank you so much forlistening. Take care.
Bye bye.
Welcome to the nest and nurture podcast.
I'm your host andpsychotherapist Leisha cash.
Now let's get thistherapy session started.
Hi, and welcome back to the podcast.Thank you so much for joining me today.
I had originally thought I was goingto do a meditation because I've had
(00:23):
this flow of basically an episode talkingabout content and then a meditation.
So I had initially started thisepisode very differently and as
I was discussing some of the conceptsbehind mindfulness and meditation,
I went into a world that Iwasn't expecting and decided to
talk a little bit more about perfectionismand how we can actually find that
(00:47):
in our meditation practice and self care.
And this all kind ofcame up because I often
feel that when I'm talking about copingstrategies or talking about filling
people's cups and what makes you, you,
and how do you restoreyourself and fill your cup?
There's a lot of feelings around doingsomething well, when we're doing that.
(01:09):
And if we're not, then it's notnecessarily filling our cup.
And I often talk to womenabout how we in the moment get
overwhelmed or over stimulated.And it results in anger,
frustration, snapping,
which then leads to guilt andshame and all of those things.
So I decided to redirectthis session, this episode,
(01:34):
to discuss more about being less
judgemental of our meditationand mindfulness practice by
integrating breath throughoutthe day in the simplest way
and in doing so,
we have filled our cup a littlebit and we might have more capacity
(01:55):
to manage our emotions as well ashelp others around us regulate.
And it's really important to think about
breath as a way to regulate our emotions,
but also to do it without judgment.
So if you're somebody who says Idon't do meditation well, you know,
(02:17):
whether it be that you can't be focusedin the moment or that you get on a good
path of doing it every single day,
and then you slip out and then youfeel like you're not doing the work.
This episode is for you.
If you're somebody who feels likethey get overwhelmed in the moment,
get triggered, and then they,
it results in behavior or inaction or something that you say or
(02:38):
emotions that you just don't reallyenjoy. This episode is for you.
I'm gonna talk a littlebit about perfectionism in this process of mindfulness
and why we wanna get it right.
And start to try to removethat judgment and saying,
let's just start with the basics.
Five simple well-intentionedbreasts as our meditation practice.
(03:00):
Maybe weave it in more oftenthan we might have normally done.
And if you don't do itevery day, that's okay.
But because it's so short and sweet,
it's easier to integrate into our life.
And then we may start noticinghow often dysregulated
what the triggers are and startself-regulating in the moment so
(03:23):
that we don't necessarilyhit our breaking point,
that we get to it before thebreaking point. If that makes sense,
usually we're burnt out when wehit our breaking point and these
restorative well-intentionedbreaths can at least buffer some of
that, maybe delay the burnout aswe try to integrate more self care
(03:48):
into our life, filling upour cup a little bit more.
So now that I'vereintroduced this podcast,
I'm gonna get right into the episodewith the rest of the content that I kept
from this. And I hope thatit is helpful in some way.
So here we go.
(04:11):
Sometimes I talk to clients and say,
I'm not good at meditationbecause I can't stay
focused. And my daily meditation, Itry to dedicate 30 minutes and I say,
just wait a second.
well-intentioned breaths throughout theday where you actually pull yourself
(04:35):
back into the present moment, that's okay,
that's doing a goodjob. That's meditating.
Sometimes we don't have 30 minutesto sit there and go inward and
internalize our experienceand do breath work.
Sometimes we have 30seconds between transitions.
(04:57):
Sometimes we hear our baby wake upfrom a nap, maybe an hour early,
and we need a moment to take a breath.
So although this podcastshould be dedicated maybe to a
20 to 30 a minute meditation to makeit worth your while I wanted to come on
here and talk about whybreath work is important.
(05:19):
And then I wanna do just a littleshort meditation for everybody here
that might not have time fora 20 or 30 minute meditation.
This one is for you. And ifyou're gonna come back to it,
then of course skipthrough all this banter.
But I ideally this isn't even somethingyou really need to listen to in order
(05:40):
to do this meditation. It'sjust a simple reminder.
So why do we struggle with meditation?
Probably because we feellike we have to perfect it.
And I remember I took acourse in my master's program
that required us to be much more open to
(06:02):
abstract thought.
And for any of my friendsthat were in school with me,
especially one taco you'll know.
And remember that I reallystruggled with abstract thinking,
which for me is funny becauseI'm aside from doing this work,
I'm very much a creative. Like Ireally enjoy the arts. I'm a singer.
(06:25):
I write music. I am very crafty.
I do a lot of DIY stuff.
And so abstract is,
is part of my language.
But I'm learning that sometimes when itcomes to academic abstract, it's not,
I prefer concrete thought processes.
(06:48):
And I prefer theories that havebeen in the works for a long
time that have steps.
And that's why a lot of mypodcasts are kind of like here,
this is a concept or idea,
and here's some things you cando in order for how you can feel
better. And I find that to be morehelpful. So I sat in this class,
(07:09):
this abstract thoughtclass, which talked about,
I don't even,
I don't even know if I can explain ithere because I could not grasp what
we were talking about.
And I talk about perfectionism.Well, let me just admit,
I am a self proclaimed perfectionist.
(07:31):
And my goal in my master's programis to be on the Dean's list.
That was kind of like one of the thingsthat I thought was really important at
the time.
It's definitely down on my list now thatI've had children and there's much more
challenging things in my life, butI was really, really, really trying.
And I'm a student that reallyneeds to put effort in,
(07:55):
I I'm just, I'm academicallysmart, but I really have to study.
And I don't naturally absorb things. SoI really have to work towards my grades.
And so this class was going to be
the death of me.
Like essentially every week I wentand every week I regretted taking it,
but I took the course specificallybecause the professor was
(08:19):
amazing and she worked out of achildren's mental health clinic
and we got to go to this, the classes,
and we got to watch familytherapy happen in action,
which I found very interesting.
But on the other side of it was thiscontent that wasn't necessarily related
to family therapy, as muchas I thought it would be.
(08:40):
And it was completely out there for me.
Like I just couldn't get it.
And it was based inmindfulness and meditation.
And so every single class,
we would have a moment or a fewminutes or five to 10 minutes of
meditation. And the wholetime I couldn't focus,
(09:02):
I was really, reallyfocused on doing it. Right.
And I was still tryingto
professor's theory and concept
and methodology. And I just kept thinking,
what is wrong with me that I can't get it.
(09:23):
And my friend taco was in the class and
she got it. Like she was gettinglike A's and a pluses on her papers.
I'm pretty sure if I can remember. Right.
And I was just like, yougotta explain this to me.
And she would say it and I'd belike, yeah, I think I get it.
(09:43):
But I didn't. And tothis day I don't get it.
And I actually had to go back tothat pro multiple times to say, okay,
this is what I'm writing in my paper.Am I completely missing the mark?
And it was, yes.
So I feel like it is a weirdthing for me to now start this
meditation telling you that I was not
(10:06):
understanding aspects ofmeditation in my master's program,
but it kind of brings up this idea
that there is this perfectway of understanding
a concept or trying to doyour best and feeling like
(10:26):
you're not. And it beingreally frustrating.
And so when I say this,doesn't have to be perfect.
It genuinely doesn't you aren'tgetting a grade for this. Like I was,
I did end up getting an a in the course,
I think just because theprof was so clear that I was
(10:47):
trying so hard, I made itvery clear that I was really,
really trying to, to dowell in this course. Um,
I should have picked somethingthat was an easy course,
but this was just somethingI was really interested in.
And it really frustrated me thatI couldn't get it right. Um,
but as I've come out of that space,it just wasn't resonating with me.
(11:10):
It was just something thatwasn't resonating with me because it's not the way I
viewed meditation and mindfulness.
And I would love to revisit it now thatI've been practiced for a while to see
if I can reengage with the content,but I really don't think I can.
So with all of that, tosay, if you're still here,
(11:31):
I,
I want to really stress with thesemeditations and going forward in your
practice, in your life, through, youknow, any kind of these podcast episodes,
when I'm talking about practicingand thinking and processing,
it is not easy to be perfectin any of these things. Right?
(11:52):
And it can feel frustratingin therapy when we are really
trying, like you're coming to everysession, you're writing notes,
you're taking it out. And you'resaying, I'm going to work on myself.
I'm putting in the timeI'm putting in the money.
I'm putting in the effortand I'm here to work. And
(12:13):
it feels stagnant at times.
And we feel stuck where thingsin our life aren't changing.
And it's really easy to get down onourselves and say, what am I missing?
What is going on with me that Ican't grasp these concepts that
is talking about in therapy, or Ican grasp them. But in real time,
(12:36):
I'm not putting them into mylife. I'm not able to apply it.
My brain is taking over.And although I said,
I wasn't going to snap at my husband,I'm snapping on him. Or although I said,
I didn't wanna yell at mykids. I'm yelling at them.
And we do the work and we come to sessionand we try really hard and we're not
meeting the mark.
(12:58):
And like anything else, you know,
life takes over in certain moments.
And we can't always processin the moment we have a lot
going on in our minds.
So when you're thinking aboutmeditation and practicing breath
work,
I want you to remove thisconcept of perfection.
(13:22):
I want you to take away this ideathat if you don't do it every single
day at 7:00 AM,
when you open your eyes and youcan't turn off your thoughts and you
feel very distant from the practice thatyou're doing something wrong and that
it's not working. I say,
if you start a meditation and youcan't get your head in the game,
(13:46):
stop utilize another coping strategy.
Maybe having a glass of wateroutside is something better for
you in that moment. Maybe insteadof your 20 minute meditation,
you go for a quick walk around theblock. If you can't leave the house,
maybe it's skipping the meditationat 8:00 AM and doing a coffee
(14:06):
instead.
So noticing when it'sbeneficial and when it is
not, is the biggest piece.
It can't be forced if it'ssupposed to be self-care
because that takes away the whole benefit.
Right?
(14:28):
A lot of the time I'm talking to clientsabout finding coping strategies at work
and at some points in their life,
certain coping strategies haveworked certain tools or certain
things that they enjoy. Thingsthat used to fill their cups.
Certain self care activities,
no longer serve them when they used to.
(14:49):
And it can feel reallydisheartening. It can,
it can make you stop for a moment and say,
what is going on with me that Iused to really enjoy doing this.
And now I'm dreading it.
And I felt that way aboutcertain things in my life too.
And still we do them becausethey are part of our routine,
(15:09):
or we have no choice,
but with meditation orfilling your cup in some way,
if it's not serving you,it's not serving you.
It's actually taking away from your cup.
So shifting that focusa little bit and saying,
why is this no longer serving me?
Is it because I'm trying tomake it perfect? Am I trying to
(15:35):
make something fit?
Because it makes sense becauseeverybody says mindfulness
and meditation is somethingthat I should be doing,
that I should be doing that internal work,
but then I'm sitting here and I'mfeeling like I'm wasting time because I'm
doing my to-do list in my mind.
Instead of being presentand using my breath to focus
(15:56):
sometimes in sessions,
I really am clear about whatkind of methodologies I utilize
and the fact that not everythingworks for everyone, right?
Some people just don't wanna domindfulness. They don't believe in it,
or they find meditationunhelpful. And that is okay,
but it's also okay. Thatit's sometimes helpful.
(16:19):
And sometimes not that maybe you'rehaving one of those days where
it feels like if youwent inside and did the
meditation you'd fall apart,
maybe not to distract yourself,
but maybe a run or a workoutwould be better than a meditation.
(16:40):
I have some other clients that say,if I don't make it part of my routine,
it doesn't happen. Andthat is totally fair.
But I always suggest havingalternatives just in case,
because it's good to schedule inself-care if it doesn't happen
otherwise, or filling your cup insome way and gaining back capacity,
that's so important.
(17:01):
But if it is taking away from you,
just because it feels like a taskthat you have to cross off your list,
have an alternative backupplan that's in place.
If you can't do the meditationthat day, if you feel like,
if you go internal in that moment,before you start your work day,
you won't get to work and feel,okay, you'll actually feel worse.
(17:24):
Or if your children are awake and they'rerunning around you and you feel like
I, how am I supposed to do thisself care moment right now?
I'm literally trying tokeep the world together.
Then it's probably nota great time with that.
All being said,
I feel that it's really important to say
(17:48):
in the chaos of everythinggoing on, deep breathing,
intentional, deepbreathing is so important.
I've been doing a lot of work withmy four year old right now about, um,
just emotion regulation.She's more sensitive, caring,
(18:09):
soft kind of passive child.
And she's very social kind smart,
but she picks up on alot of things around her.
And she's obviously she's four, right?
She's going through a hugetransition going to school.
And she was totally ready forschool. I was not concerned at all,
(18:29):
but I've noticed just the intensitythat is going to school as a
four year old and beingaway from her sister who has
basically been by her sidesince the pandemic started and her trying to navigate
all of these things. And sometimesbecause her sister is very vocal,
(18:49):
Sometimes my daughter, myoldest doesn't get all of me.
Right. She's having an emotional moment.
Her sister's having an emotional moment.
I'm helping her sister self-regulateand she is still looking for some help.
Self-regulating.
So I've been doing more work withbreath and just reintroducing
(19:14):
taking a breath.
And it is noticeable inthose moments that even
I have to take a breath, me,
teaching her to stop and breatheis forcing me to also say
Leisha,
(19:36):
emotionally,
because you are trying to get the kidsout of the door so that you're not late
for school again.
And you have one ki kid who won'tput their shoes on and is screaming.
And you have the other kid who wantsher Tiara in, but she can't find it.
And you're feeling really dysregulatedby this moment because the
priority is getting out the door,
(19:58):
but you have a lot ofemotions coming your way.
So I'm telling my oldest to take a breath.
I'm telling my youngest to takea breath, but she's, you know,
in her own little world.And then I'm like,
take a breath Leisha.You also need to do it.
And those humbling moments remindme that I have to remind other
(20:20):
people to do it too. And Ican say it to my clients,
you know, every single session, but Ialso have to practice what I preach.
And in those moments,
I am mindful of the fact that that's notthe first thing that comes to my mind.
The first thing to come to my mindis get these kids out the door.
What do I gotta do to getthese, these kids out the door?
(20:43):
And I immediately revertback to like my childhood,
which was like, we should hold ittogether and, you know, stop crying.
And we gotta go. And thepriority is getting out the door.
And that's that old school mentalityof kind of containing and you know,
feeling better immediately.
But I have to remind myself thatthat's not how I want to parent,
(21:06):
um, and no fault to my parents at all.
It was just the way of theworld at that point. Um,
but I immediately kind of revert to thatmindset because it's the easiest route
to go, right? It's easy tosay stop and not say, oh,
I'm being triggered by my child'semotions right now. I'm gonna stop.
I'm gonna breathe. I'mgonna take a moment.
(21:29):
And then I'm gonna tellmy child to do the same.
Doesn't mean that the behavior or theresponse or the feelings are gonna stop
for my child, but maybethey can self regulate.
They can watch me self regulate andthen they can self regulate too.
And my child, there's just,
there's no hope in this regardwe say it, but it's, um,
(21:51):
that's a work in progress, right?
So in saying all that, it promptedme to think about this episode.
If I'm a therapist doingthis work all the time,
telling everybody to take a breathand I'm forgetting to do it,
then this is your reminderto do it. And it's also mine.
It's so important to findourself in those moments and say,
(22:16):
what is going on? Whyare you dysregulated?
Probably because you have two kids,
you're trying to get out the door andyou're at no capacity because you probably
haven't done much for yourselfthis week. And you're tired.
And it's really hard jugglingemotions that are all over the place,
(22:38):
let alone your own.
So I offer myself some kindness andcompassion because we can easily go into
guilt and shame land, butI'm not gonna do that.
At least that's what I'mtelling you in this podcast.
But then I give myself amoment and I say, okay,
I'm gonna take a breath.
And sometimes it's helpful to kind ofremove yourself from that situation.
(23:01):
So I might go into the kitchen ifeverybody's self safe in the foyer,
I might just walk around,take a deep breath in
that really. So, and Imight do that five times
and then I go back in the roomand I say, okay, oldest daughter,
take a moment and take a breath.
(23:24):
It's kind of like similar to thelife vest scenario on the plane.
I need to give myself a breath inorder to help my child self-regulate.
And sometimes, I mean, we have to leaveto go to the bathroom before we go,
cuz you know, we gotta make sure ourchildren have gone to the washroom.
And so that's sometimes themoment as well, where I say, okay,
(23:45):
why don't you go to the bathroom, take abreath. We'll revisit this in a moment.
And it also removes my daughterfrom that moment of upset or panic
or, or whatever she's going throughto re to reframe her brain to say,
okay, I have a task to do.
It's not distraction is more so justkind of moving her physical body without
(24:06):
also derailing our schedule to leavethe house. It's part of our routine.
And while she's doing that,I'm also self-regulating.
And then we come back together, wetake a couple more deep breaths.
We get a hug, we do a little repairmoment and then we head out the door.
So that's just an example ofhow I have to ring myself in,
(24:27):
in certain moments and noticethe breath and help my child.
But it's also a moment ofsaying it doesn't have to be a
20 minute meditation to, to kickstartyour day. Doesn't have to be perfect.
It doesn't have to be asilent room with a candle on,
in your favorite cup of tea. Even thoughI love to do meditations like that.
(24:48):
And I love to offer that space to do so.
It could just be a quick breath.
It could just be a wellintentioned, quick breath.
Sometimes I remember as a child andeven now I, I take a huge breath.
are you good? Or if he goes, I'm like,
(25:13):
are you good? Are you frustrated?
And it's usually it isa frustration breath.
It's not a restorative breath.So that's my next point.
It
noticing when you'retaking a big frustration
breath,
either to vocalize frustration toyour partner or to your children
(25:38):
or to yourself, does it feel relievingmaybe, but is it restorative?
Is it restricted
or is it actually allowing oxygen in
to replenish your body andget your brain moving and to
reframe and reset in thatmoment of frustration?
(26:02):
I would argue that most times it'sprobably not that restorative when you're
doing a frustration breath,
but it does help you get oxygenin your brain to say, okay,
how do I feel about this?
And then it could take you intothe next breath of saying, okay,
I'm gonna do somemindful, reset, breathing,
some intentional breathing.
(26:25):
So noticing those momentsbecause that's the sign,
that's the sign we needto do the self care.
I often say to clients,okay, what are your,
what are your what's goingon for you right now?
And they list all of these kind ofsymptoms of everything that's going on for
them right now. And I say, okay,
so your body's actually trying totell you to take care of yourself.
(26:48):
This is your body saying,Hey, I've hit capacity.
I don't have what it takes totake care of myself anymore.
Can you do something to changethat those chronic headaches
probably sign a burnout, you know,
probably a sign that you havenot taken care of yourself.
So these breaths infrustration, these size,
(27:11):
these deep moments whereyou're like really in it,
and you have to take a breath to reset,
may a sign that youhave to take a few more,
maybe remove yourselffrom the physical space,
go into another room and take a breath.
So it's important to notice,
(27:34):
even in those circumstances, our body
building mind, body connection,
which we weren't taught really. I mean,
some people were as they grew up their,
if their parents were well intentionedand well informed or really noticing,
and they really actively tryingto do emotion regulation,
(27:57):
but nowadays it's much more concrete.
It's not this abstract thought it's
more discussed and peopleare more aware of it.
And we're more interested in developingthose skills with our children,
just because we have that information.
We've seen the effects of not havingemotion regulation and we wanna make
(28:18):
change.
So in order to do so in orderto teach our children that we
wanna also embody it, oh,
you seem really frustrated rightnow you took a frustration breath.
Maybe you need to take a couple morebreaths so that you can calm your body
after maybe that was abreath made in anger.
(28:41):
And we wanna start toslow down our breath,
be well intentioned so that you'rebreathing with less intensity
in a negative emotion,
not even a negative emotion emotionthat might not feel so good.
So noticing our own breath and whenour body is trying to give us a sign
(29:01):
that we need to take a minute.
And then also teaching that toour children allows for more
breaths in that space, right?
But it also gives us the capacity tomanage their emotions or to help manage
their emotions.
So as we move into thissmall brief moment of breath,
(29:23):
I want you to think about those things.
What are some times throughout the daywhere you might actually benefit from
that deep well-intentioned breath,
but only have about 30seconds to a minute to do it
for me, it's early morning,getting kids ready for school,
(29:45):
getting toddler andchild ready for school.
And the intensity that comes with that,
I think also pick up whenI have to take my baby
from her nap and rush out the doorand try to be on time for pickup.
I never want my child waiting for me.
I also notice deep breaths needingto be happening around witching hour,
(30:09):
cuz we're still in that where thechildren are hungry and dinner's not quite
ready and maybe bedtime routine.
That's a big time with a lot ofemotions and tired children where I
might have to say, I'm gonnatake a moment to take a breath.
So noticing and thinking about when those
(30:31):
times often occur is important,
because then you can do that work inthe moment without having to hit your
breaking point.
And that's one of the things I like toweave into sessions often is what are the
triggers? How do you notice you get there?
What are the steps that lead tothat? And more often than not,
(30:54):
I have clients saying, you knowwhat? I don't notice I'm there until
I'm there. My husband doesn'tnotice I'm there till I'm crying.
And I'm in my breaking point andI'm not a crier. And he's like,
whoa is everything okay?
And so a lot of my work with clientsis trying to scale it back and say,
(31:14):
how do we notice this feeling?
And how do we notice this momentwithout hitting our breaking points?
How do we self regulate or attune to
our needs, build capacity reset recharge.
Before we get to thepoint where we're snapping
(31:35):
angry, crying,
sad, you know, these are all emotionsthat are normal and all those things.
But sometimes it's like, oh no,
I can't get anything donebeforehand because I'm hitting
my breaking point and saying, oh,
I'm there usually there's moments intriggers. And sometimes there isn't,
(31:58):
sometimes it's like a poor night of sleep.
You're having a good day and all of asudden something happens and then your
dates ruined and that does happen.
But there are moments where we couldprobably say, okay, this happened,
then this happened. Then this happened.
And I hit my breaking point atthis point. Did you breathe?
Did you take well intention, breathduring all of those little moments? No.
(32:20):
Okay.
Maybe that's why you got to that breakingpoint earlier than the end of the day
when you might have normally had itbecause all of these things stacked up and
we didn't take a moment to reset oreven just do any emotion regulation.
One of the other things I like to saywhen we're doing these moments of breath
is to notice our shoulders,our chest, our jaw,
(32:43):
all of our trigger points.
So if you listen to any of the othermeditations in the previous episodes,
you notice that body scanningand intentional breaths in tight
tense, painful places inour body is so important.
So to add to this mix, and again,
no perfection needed, if itdoesn't happen, it's okay.
(33:04):
But if you want to up the antsy with thesewell-intentioned breaths, you notice,
where am I feeling tense in thosefive deep breaths that you're taking?
Where am I feeling tense? AmI feeling tense in my jaw?
Am I feeling tense in my shoulders?
Am my shoulders completely up whereI'm literally shrugging my shoulders,
(33:24):
which happens all of the time.And we just don't even notice.
How about my pelvicfloor? How are my glutes?
Are they really close togetherright now? Cause I'm squeezing.
How's my chest. Oh, is it super tight?Do I need to actually do a Peck stretch?
So in those five well-intentioned breaths,
(33:48):
I want you to notice your body. Becauselike I said, a couple minutes ago,
our body is giving ussigns that we are stressed,
overwhelmed about tohit our breaking point.
Our breath is giving us signs. Maybewe're breathing really quickly.
Maybe we're breathing reallyslowly. Usually that's less likely,
(34:11):
but we are not in tune with our breath.
We're taking breaths offrustration and our body's tense.
And then we snap and we'relike, how did I get here?
It seemed like I was having a prettygood day. I mean, it was a hard day.
Did it take any momentsfor myself? Probably not.
(34:32):
So these are the things I want youto include in this process to our
five well intentioned breaths.
So I'm gonna review thetasks for you first up.
I want you to take sometime in the next few days,
whenever is convenient for youto think about times of your day,
where you feel the most triggered,where you feel the most overwhelmed,
(34:54):
maybe it's morning, morning rush,
maybe it's lunchtime after school,
after work, end of day,
waiting for your husband to come homefrom work after a nap before a nap,
dinner time, dinner, prep, time,
(35:17):
bath time
before you get into bed orwhen you're laying in bed,
find your trigger points. And therecould be many, many throughout the day,
unfortunately, buthopefully not just notice.
(35:37):
And if you don't have the answer,
that's the task to start payingattention to those triggers and those
moments.
Sometimes it's not even necessarily atask that's involved in these moments.
It's just simply the time of day.
So if your children have been upfor 12 hours, maybe that's the time.
(36:01):
Or if you've been up for 12hours, maybe that's the time.
So it may not be necessarilytriggered by a task or an event.
It could just be time,time spent in an activity.
And then I want you to take itto the next step in saying, okay,
so now I know my potential triggers.
I'm gonna start breathing ordoing intentional breath before I
(36:25):
hit my breaking point.
So we know that morning rush is a trigger
for example.
So before I even get my kids downstairs,
they've got their clothes on.They're brushing their teeth.
I am breathing, I'mtaking my five breaths.
(36:47):
And then we go down the stairs and weget their shoes on and all that stuff.
And we get them out to the carand I'm taking five more breaths.
Cause that was hard.
So it's almost like sandwichingbreath work between the hard tasks
and noticing how your body'sdoing in that process.
(37:10):
Are you tense? Is your heart racing?
Are you feeling relaxed? Maybethat's not a triggering moment.
Did the breath help you feel better?
Did it relieve some tension?What are you noticing?
So we're knowing our triggers,
(37:30):
trying to integrate breathbefore we get over stimulated.
And then we are noticing,is there any shifts?
Does this feel good? DoI have more capacity?
Because our brain likes evidence.
We like to know whatwe're doing is productive,
(37:51):
but I feel like that iswhy this method of breath,
intentional breath is so beneficialbecause it's not 30 minutes
where we can feel like, oh mygosh, I just ended my meditation.
I was not in it at all.
I couldn't connect and I'vewasted 30 minutes of my time.
It was so unproductive and I don'teven feel better. It's like, no,
(38:12):
you only took about 30 seconds to aminute to take five. Well, intentioned,
breaths, reset and continueon. That's not a waste of time.
It's a productive use oftime and we are breathing
all day. It's so easyfor that to go unnoticed,
but intentional breathcan change your day.
(38:32):
These are simple things you cando throughout the day to reset,
to refill your cup, to have capacity.And I'm not talking about like,
it's not gonna fill your whole cup,
but it's gonna add maybea couple ounces and
subsequently teach yourchildren how to do the same.
You can articulate what'sgoing on in that moment.
(38:54):
Mommy's just gonna take a breathright now because I'm feeling a lot of
emotions. This is really stressful.
So I'm just gonna take a moment andtake a breath. I'll be right back.
I'm just in the kitchen. Just gimmea minute or not even announce it.
And then come back in the room and say,
mommy just needed to take a coupleminutes to take a couple deep breaths.
Why don't you do the same? Do youwanna try what mommy just did?
(39:15):
It made me feel so much betterand modeling that behavior
and self-regulation, it doeswonders for our children.
So even if they're not ableto do it in that moment,
having that kindness and compassionfor them to say, I get it. It's hard.
But then trying to readdressit later when they're able,
when they have more capacityas well, if it's hard for us,
(39:39):
it's hard for them. If we expectourselves to be perfect at these things,
they may do the same depending on theirpersonality type and just letting them
know that it's okay. If they only havespace to do three breaths that's okay.
So this is what thebreath would look like.
And I love it becauseit's short and sweet.
Just what parents need and people whoare busy and just anybody that's meeting
(40:03):
a really quick reset throughout the day.
So you would find a space that feelsbetter than the space that you're in.
And if it can't be changed, that's fine.
You could be in a meeting with your eyesfully open sitting there listening to
a presentation and you can dothese breaths. So if it feels good,
(40:23):
you can close your eyes. But if you haveto keep your eyes open, that's fine.
And I want you to breathe in throughyour nose and out through your mouth
and we're gonna do it five times.
And while we're doing it,
I just want a simple reminderto pay attention to the breath.
(40:44):
Notice your chest rising and falling.Or if you like to do belly breath,
do the belly breath, notice your tummy,
rising and falling and noticewhere the tension is and
release it. I like toput my hand on my chest.
I like to put my hand on my belly.That grounds me. It centers me.
It makes me become present.
And I like to breathe into thosespaces because sometimes I need that
(41:09):
tangible feeling of breathto really pull my focus in.
Otherwise I might be looking aroundthe room being like, oh my gosh,
there's that thing that she needs totake to school. And I can't forget it.
I'm gonna take a moment.I'm gonna ground and center.
My feet are gonna be on the floor andmy hands on my chest and my tummy.
And I'm taking a well-intentionedbreath in through my nose,
out through my mouth, 10seconds each, if it feels okay,
(41:34):
so let's do it together. Five breaths.First breath in through your nose,
hand out through your mouth
(42:01):
in, through your nose,
out through your mouth
(42:23):
release tension. As youbreathe in through your nose,
out through your mouth
(42:48):
In three, your nose
out
(43:10):
last one in through your nose
and out through your mouth.
(43:31):
I feel centered.
I feel like I could take ona child. That's screaming.
I feel like I could used threeof those breaths to do that.
Sometimes even one, one, well,
intentioned breath that makesme turn to myself and say,
(43:52):
how are you doing? You need someoxygen. You're holding your breath.
You're exhaling really heavilywith anger and frustration.
That's not changing anything. It'sa labored breath does not feel good.
This is mindfulness.
This is being mindful andintentional with your breath.
(44:15):
You don't need 30 minutes.
You don't need 10 minutes.You can do it in five breaths.
And that's sometimeswhat we need as humans,
just to grasp onto ashort, quick fix
and it doesn't always work.
(44:37):
And it doesn't always erase everything.
The things that are triggering youare still potentially there, right?
Our child may still bescreaming at the end of that,
but I feel that in most cases you'llhave the capacity to walk back in
(44:57):
that room and manage it morethan you would have prior to the
breathing.
When I talk to parents about rageand moments of snapping and regret,
we talk a lot about repair,but it's still lingers with us.
It's still something that we oftencarry, feel sorry for it happening.
Don't want it to happen. And this isusually the first place I like to start.
(45:20):
First.
I talk about burnout andcapacity and normalize and give
kindness and compassion and grace,
because we can be the bestparent and still have moments
where we get upset with our children.
And we'll talk about positive parentingin another podcast episode and all my
(45:40):
feelings about it. But I oftenstart with, take a moment,
take a breath, collect yourself,brush away. Any shame, guilt,
negative feelings about yourself forthat moment, maybe you got upset.
Take the breath, takefive, and then enter again.
(46:01):
Do the repair. If you feel youhave the capacity to sorry,
mommy was upset for a moment,have a lot of feelings,
feeling a little frustrated,
cuz this morning is taking areally long time to go to the door.
Do you need to take a couplebreaths? Would that be helpful?
And then we'll try totie your shoes again.
You did the repair rate in that moment,
you had the capacity to do it cuzyou took five seconds for yourself.
(46:24):
If you're five minutes late forschool, because you had to do that,
that will feel not so great,
but it would probably feel better thanif you screamed at your child and then
felt really bad about that and then sentthem off to school and then sat there,
feeling bad about it forthe rest of the afternoon.
And I say this with so much kindnessbecause I am there with you.
(46:46):
I really don't want mykids to be late for school.
And I'm using this example clearlythat's my trigger right now.
And we are still trying tofigure out our life here.
And I I've asked a couple peoplelike, does this get easier? Um,
I'm not sure if it does untilthey're doing it themselves.
(47:07):
But I feel like with teenagers,
you're still also like trying to get themat the door and drive them and all of
those things. So I mightbe in this for a while.
So I'm gonna be taking a lot of breaths.
Now this went a little bit of a differentdirection than my usual podcast.
I kind of just winged it today becauseI had a lot of these thoughts and
feelings about how dowe reset and recharge.
(47:29):
And I feel like when I have clients cometo session, they really want change,
right?
They're either there to have a spaceto share and be able to offload
and,
and not be impacting or I'm gonnause their word burdening anyone else
with their stuff or,
and or because some people do both.They're there to work. They want change.
(47:51):
They want tools. They want,they want to feel better.
They don't wanna feel guilty and shamefuland they don't wanna get upset with
their children.
They wanna get along with their husbandand they want tools and it starts with
simple.
We scale it back and startwith the basics breath.
(48:13):
And we start with theleast judgemental breath,
five deep well-intentionedbreaths that don't
require 30 minute gratitudejournal, 30 minute meditation,
30 minutes of trying to feel better whenwe don't feel we're doing a good enough
job. Five breaths is foolproof
(48:38):
and taking in as many as you want,really. But we'll start with that.
I hope you found thisepisode helpful in some way.
I hope you can take thatfive seconds for yourself,
but you deserve so much more.
So if you've hit your limit and thesedon't seem to be doing anything for you,
it's a sign that youdon't have the capacity,
(49:00):
cuz you're probably burnt outand you need more than just
five seconds of breath. Once ina while, you need a lot more,
not necessarily a 30 minute meditation,
but something genuinelythat's going to fill your cup.
You deserve it.
(49:21):
And in case someone hasn'talready told you today,
you are amazing.
Thank you so much forlistening. Take care.
Bye bye.
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