The Default Parent – Part Two

In Episode 10, Lisha delves back into default parenting and the ways we can change the dynamics within these relationships. It takes awareness, acknowledgment, communication and shifting expectations, amount other things.

Episode Transcript

(00:02):
Welcome to the nest and nurture podcast.
I'm your host andpsychotherapist Leisha cash.
Now let's get thistherapy session started.
Thank you so much forjoining me and welcome back.
This is part two of the defaultparenting podcast episode.
I'm excited to delve back in.And as I mentioned before,

(00:23):
this might be part twoof many different parts,
because I feel like this is a verybig topic that requires quite a bit of
attention. And just a reminder thatthis is not a substitute for therapy.
If you feel you need individualsupport and would benefit from couples
counseling or individual work,
please reach out to a therapistfor professional support.

(00:44):
So now I wanna get started and talkabout default parenting in some ways
that we can start working towardsunderstanding and shifting
to find more balance.
So I wanna kind of pick upfrom where we left last week.
You had a couple things to think about,
are you subscribing to societal normswhen you're feeling like you have to take

(01:06):
it all on as the default parent is yourpartner subscribing to those norms as
well. Is your partner able tooffer support? Have they tried?
Are they engaged? If you gavethem the space, would they,
or do you give them thespace? And they don't.
So some of those really bigquestions to start looking into,

(01:27):
and this week I wanna start off withthe first step of building on some
of those thoughts that you've beenhaving since our last episode.
So the first step in this processis developing awareness. Basically,
we're putting everything on the table.
I want you to ask yourselfwhat is really going on here.

(01:48):
For instance, I might have a clientcome to me and say, I'm not sleeping.
And I really, I don't wanna talkabout my past my, my childhood,
my core beliefs. I just wanna figureout how to get some sleep. And I'm like,
that's totally cool. We'regonna do an intake session.
And I'm gonna ask you a lot of questionsbecause that's just kind of how I work
and how I practice. And from there, we'regonna start talking about your sleep.

(02:11):
And through that conversation, whenwe're laying everything out on the table,
we find out there's a lot going on.They just moved. They're pregnant.
They have just changed careers.
There's a pandemic like so many factors.
So it's not just that their body won'tgo to sleep. And that there's an issue.
Maybe they're drinking too muchcaffeine or having wine at night.

(02:33):
It's the layers underneathit all. So with awareness,
I wanna say to my clients,what is really going on here?
And I want you to ask yourselfthat and maybe ask your partner.
You might be feeling burntout, overwhelmed, touched out,
trying to manage everything, keeping thebalance, everyone happy, safe, healthy,

(02:55):
and yet you're feeling likeyou can't find balance in all
of the responsibilities placedupon you. And sometimes they're,
self-inflicted sometimes external.Sometimes it's our partner.
Like it's not just youtaking the responsibilities.
Sometimes it's beyond your control.
Simple awareness of thesedynamics can create a shift.

(03:16):
We first need to identifyexplicitly that we are the default
parent and I would take iteven a step further and say,
we are the default forwhat? Not just parenting.
Are we also the financialdefault? Are we, you know,
the household chore, default,whatever it might be,
what are you the default for?

(03:40):
And then I identify why thisdynamic has been created.
And if you wanna start small, that'sfine. Start at the childbearing.
Why are you the default parent?
What is the reasoning for this position?
And then we break it alldown further .
So we know that we're the defaultparent for the majority of the

(04:02):
responsibilities, ifthat's what you discovered,
but does our partner knowthat we are the default parent
and what are the other areas thatwe generally are responsible for?
And what are the areas thatour partner is the default for?
What is their responsibility?

(04:23):
I I've done a lot of self-reflectionand I'm trying to build more awareness
because I feel like when I'mtalking about these with my clients,
I'm in it right now too. I have twochildren I'm with my husband. You know,
we have the dynamics that some of myclients are going through as well.
And I had to take a moment cuz I amconstantly the cleaner up where I'm the

(04:44):
declutter. I'm puttingall the kids things back.
I like the island completely clearwhenever everything's being cleaned.
I'm very much aware of clutter and mess.
And my partner is on top of the pool.Like he is the one to go outside.
I do not know anything aboutshocking, the pool, chlorine, pucks,

(05:05):
nothing. I don't know the schedule.
And I have decided to not know that
information right now. Eventually I,
when it becomes important or I have thecapacity or space to take it on, I will.
But right now he's managingthat. And I think, okay,
you're the default for the pool? You'rethe pool boy, which is like kind of fun.

(05:26):
I can watch him walk around, cleanthe pool, you know, it's nice.
But it's a conscious thing that Imade conscious when I was saying
to myself, oh my gosh, this house, likeI'm constantly cleaning. Is it shared?
Is there balance? Andthen I say to myself, oh,
like I also don't have to gooutside and do the pool stuff.
Or when it's about to pour rain,

(05:46):
I'm not running outside and doing likeall of the covering of the furniture and
bringing in the cushions.He's usually on top of it.
So starting to also noticein moments when we can,
when we have the capacity to, andwhen we're doing this work to say,
what is my partner's default role?

(06:07):
And it may not just be childrearing,but taking it a step further and saying,
does it help me havemore capacity to childre?
And this is just starting to pavethe way for some of the later steps.
So noticing what the defaultsare and who is responsible,
how that makes you feel. Um, especiallybecause sometimes when we do comparison,

(06:28):
we say, okay, yeah,
I understand and appreciate that he'smanaging the pool and that he's sweeping
up all the leaves and all that stuff.But I'm also inside making dinner,
watching from the window,
him doing that peacefully whilethe children are running around,
hitting each other with pansfrom the kitchen, you know?
So whose job is harder in thatmoment, I would like that.

(06:50):
I'd like to be outside skimmingthe pool right now over this chaos.
So we even do those comparisonmoments, but that is,
is a great opportunity to whenyou have the capacity be like,
were there any moments like that? Um,
when my partner's been doingsomething and I'm thinking, oh,
I'm jealous of him for doing that.

(07:10):
Maybe building a little bit ofresentment around it, but thinking, oh,
let me take it a step furtherand reframe it as a default.
And I know some of youare probably thinking,
especially if you're in it rightnow that you are, you know,
nursing or bottle feeding a baby and youlook over in the middle of the night,
it's 3:00 AM and you see your partnersnoring beside you and you have this

(07:32):
resentment of this sleep,
resentment sleep envy that hecan just sleep through it all.
And yes,
you are the default parent in thatmoment for sure. And that's really,
that's a toughie, that's a tough one. Um,
but thinking about those scenarioswhere you have noticed these things,
but you also noticed your partnertrying to either help or trying to be a

(07:56):
default in some ways, for othertasks. In addition to all of this,
I think it's more than likely that yourpartner has some idea of the defaults
that they are responsible for.
Usually we know what we're responsiblefor and they carry that information with
them, right?
So it can be almost easyin these moments to become

(08:17):
defensive. If conversations come up,
our partners may feel that we're implyingthat they're not carrying the load and
therefore they might list off. Well,
like I take care of the pool and I goget our gas put in our cars and I do this
and that because they'refeeling potentially attacked or that they are becoming
defensive because they feelthey're putting in their weight.

(08:37):
And for some reason it seems they're not.
And therefore just startingto build that awareness
would be important for bothof you to look at both sides.
So when I'm tasking you with this,
I want you to also keep in mindthat when you talk about this,
this with your partner, thatthey are doing the same thing,

(08:59):
what makes things a little morecomplicated is that sometimes when it
comes to default parentingwithin that general group,
so it's not like house related and it'snot financial it's within the child
rearing group, thereare multiple defaults.
This is where it gets complicated.So I'll give a good example,

(09:20):
perhaps all health related doctor'sappointments are your default.
Whereas your partner is thedefault parent for extracurricular
transportation or participation in asport with their child or coaching.
That's where it becomes a little bitmore complex. Cause she's like, well,
my partner does this and that, but thatactually is what we need to identify.

(09:44):
These are the kinds of situationaldefaults that become, you know, prominent,
usually in the later stages of childrearing. Whereas at the beginning,
it seems to be more prominent for oneparent to take the majority of the
responsibilities. And that might includeemotional, physical, and logistical.
But the important piece here is to say,
if there is defaults within the childrearing and they are situational

(10:08):
and circumstantial,
we need to develop awarenessof that because it balances things out a little bit
more that creates the space to say, oh,
I feel this is super heavy,but my partner is a default.
In some ways they're ableto help in those ways,
how can I increase that support?
How can I maybe offload a couplemore things to my partner if I feel

(10:31):
that the other stuff is too heavy?
I bet you're probably thinking doctor'sappointments with young children are
potentially torture and goingand coaching a sport doesn't seem as bad.
And that's what creates theresentment and the imbalance,
even within those things.
But it's simple awarenessof even our partners doing

(10:53):
something that seems default ish,
that can help us reduce resentmentand also allow the space
to say, okay,
how can I relieve some of theheavier emotional tasks that I do?
How can I offload some of that? Sothere's a little bit more balance.
So I don't feel like he's just doingthe fun stuff and I'm doing the really

(11:15):
challenging stuff,
starting to develop some understandingand awareness of the current season.
You're in the responsibilities,
you and your partner hold and the way ithelps move your family through the day
to day is important. We'reoften in survival mode,
we're trying to just get throughand we might not notice as much.

(11:37):
And that creates this dynamic ofnot even having the understanding or
appreciation for each other.
What's really important to rememberis that both working partners
and stay at home partners aredoing very important jobs.
This is the awareness piece. really important.
Everybody's doing important jobs.

(12:00):
Now the struggle with the stay at homeparent is that their job doesn't end
at 5:00 PM. Let we talk about worklife balance. They're on 24 7.
Sometimes if your babies aren'tsleeping, you literally are on 24 7.
And because you're taking care ofso many logistics and emotional
aspects of parenting,

(12:21):
it just doesn't necessarily end evenwhen the other parent comes home.
And not only that, the default parentmay not be a stay-at-home parent.
They may also have a career and thereforethey might be trying to balance not
only their job and theirdemands of their career,
but their child rearingresponsibilities when they get home,

(12:42):
which essentially might be like theirpartner. But if you're the default,
you're probably doing a little bitmore. And here's my favorite part.
The step we always talk aboutin therapy, communication,
without communication about awarenessand understanding of what the
other's doing, the importance ofboth work, there will not be balance.

(13:07):
So let's talk about communicationbecause it can be a toughie.
This is a whole othermillion podcast episodes,
but generally speaking, if youaren't communicating effectively,
your support system is likely notas great at supporting you as they
could be louder forthe people in the back.

(13:30):
If you are not communicating effectivelyand your partner's not communicating
effectively,
your support system is not likelysupporting you the way they
should.
Both partners first need to bringawareness into the space that one parent
is often responsible for childrearing more than the other while also

(13:51):
acknowledging the weight that thenon-fat parent is carrying to.
And I'm telling you right now, this stuffdoesn't happen when you're fighting.
,
it's really hard to accessthat appreciation and acknowledgement and awareness
in the middle of a fight.
So these things often come out inthe repair from a fight or in calm,

(14:12):
neutral moments where webring it into the space.
Then we move into what's workingand what is not what needs
to be addressed here is theimportance of sharing awareness,
acknowledging challenges for both sides,
but also being mindful ofdefensiveness and being open to
alternative opinions.Even if you disagree,

(14:33):
if we automatically put up ourdefenses to protect ourselves,
we are closing ourselves offfrom communication. Essentially,
we are going to get nowhere,
focusing less on the tasks.
We often really like to focus on thetasks and the things we did wrong.
And the cup left on the counter,really specific situations.

(14:57):
I want you to focus less onthat and more on the emotions.
What did it make you feellike and why rather than say
you left that cup on thecounter and I'm so pissed off.
We could say I had a really hard daywith the kids today and it's been
a really big challengethis whole week. Really.

(15:19):
I feel overwhelmed and I'm not gonna liewhen I came down and I saw that cup on
the counter after I just cleaned thekitchen, like literally washed every dish,
put it away. So I could, you know,sit down on the couch and just relax.
That made me frustrated.
And I feel like I really need alittle bit of support. And I just,
I feel like I could use more support.

(15:42):
It takes away from this defensivenessin a sense of saying, oh my gosh,
it's a cup on the table. It's morelike, Hey, I'm feeling overwhelmed.
I had a really long day and I justwish that I could have some support.
And it's a little thing, likeputting that cup in the sink,
washing it or putting in thedishwasher. It's a small thing.
But for us after all of those things,that long day, that cleanup everything,

(16:06):
it's a big thing. Soeven communicating that.
So with that being said, whenwe're asking for support,
our partners are gonna say, okay,so what can we do? How can we help?
We need to figure that out. Whatdoes that support look like?
And that often requires usto shift our expectations.

(16:29):
So our next step, shiftingyour expectations.
I don't wanna say loweringyour expectations,
but I feel like that wouldprobably be accurate.
um, and that's ahard thing to do. I mean,
for some people it's like, no, Ishould expect the best all the time.

(16:50):
But sometimes that leads todisappointment in ourselves and others.
So when I'm talking about expectations,
I am referring to shiftingthe expectations for ourselves
and our partners and communicating this,figuring it out and communicating it.

(17:11):
If we are in the mindset that we cannotask for help because we are the primary
caregiver and that is simply ourresponsibility and to burden our
partner would be absolutelyagainst our beliefs.
Then we are becoming thebarrier to our own success.
I want you to ask yourself what deepervalue do you place on motherhood

(17:33):
and the role of motherhood thatis potentially detrimental to you
getting the support you need.
Why do you expect yourself tobend and not expect the same
for your partner?
Why do you expect you to hold alland juggle all the balls in the air
and not drop one,

(17:54):
but allow the space to have a partnerthat doesn't hold as many or can drop one.
Do you feel your partneralready bends in other ways,
and perhaps this is wortha conversation around you,
both spending you both being burnt outand creating a shift for the family unit
that allows more space forboth of you to get support.

(18:16):
Maybe we need to go tothe external support.
It's also vital that we acknowledge.
If we have high expectations forourselves and others that are
unrealistic and how these expectationscan impact our mental health.
And I don't wanna setthis standard of blame.
I don't want you to go intoguilt mode or anything like that.

(18:37):
I want you to ask yourself, given thecircumstances we are in right now,
are these expectations realistic,
maybe outside of those circumstances,they could be, but in this moment,
are they,
can we set more realistic expectationsfor ourselves so that we can relieve some
of the pressure? Is there a perceptionthat others have expectations for us?

(19:01):
And these standards are too hard tolive up to, and that could be perceived.
Like we perceive our parents havethese expectations for us or that
they actually say it.
And are they somethingyou can even live up to?
And does that require a furtherconversation with your partner

(19:21):
or your family or whoever is placingthose high expectations on you to actually
address this? Perhaps that'sour perception and it's,
and it's not their judgment. Andthat is worth a deeper conversation.
Why do we perceive it? Butthey're not setting that standard.
We set ideals for ourselves,
and now we have to determine which onesare helpful and which ones are harmful.

(19:46):
And we have to relieve the ones that areno longer making sense for our family
unit. If we can't do it all,
can we offload some of these defaultsto our partner or our family,
or are we privilegedenough to outsource them?
These are big questions.
And the shift in our expectationscan shift our experience.

(20:08):
And while shifting expectations,
we must acknowledge what responsibilitieswe are feeling most impacted by.
So almost like scaling what stressesme out the most to the least.
And if we are feeling this way, becausethey are not being acknowledged,
that is a piece that we often forget.
Why are we the most impacted by them?Are they the most highly sensitive?

(20:31):
Are they the most emotional?
Are they the most physically drainingor is it because you're not being
acknowledged? Whichleads me to my next step,
appreciating each other, appreciatingthe co-parenting relationship,
the individual person,
the intimate partner and theother half of the parenting team.

(20:54):
Thank you for, I noticed that.
I appreciate what youdid. I know this is hard.
The kids are so lucky to have youthank you for everything you do for our
family. And when I saythese things, ,
I don't want you to roll your eyes.
I don't want you to have this internalturmoil. That's like curdling,

(21:19):
underneath saying, butI'm not the best mom and the kids.
Aren't really lucky to have me.I yelled at my kid yesterday.
I know we can allinternalize this so deeply,
but I want you to beaccepting of the appreciation,
which is the hardest part. Andhe means it, or she means it.
You mean it when yousay it and knowing that

(21:41):
all of these small,
simple statements ofappreciation can do wonders,
doesn't necessarily lessen the load andmake things feel a little less heavy in
that sense, but it feelsbetter to be acknowledged.
It feels better to almost feelheard like, oh, you get it.

(22:03):
I know this is hard. You do thankyou. I'm here for you. Thank you.
We often do a ton of silent workthat goes unnoticed on the regular,
right? It's free labor that we don'treally have a choice not to do.
Child rearing is emotionallyand physically taxing.
It creates endless to-dolist, good calendar, hygiene,

(22:26):
and attention to detailsto keep this boat afloat.
It is nice to be seen for that hard work.
We talk about reward systems. I talkabout this all the time at work,
like we might receive a financialreward for our hard work.
We might get a promotion. We mightget a raise, might get a bonus.
It's similar to working extremelyhard on a paper and getting an a plus.

(22:50):
We operate on a rewardsystem from very young age,
use the potty, get a sticker.
This sense of accomplishment can be alot harder to achieve when it comes to
raising humans, especiallyin the early years,
we can see small rewardswhen they're infants,
when they give us a cute smile or laugh,when they sleep through the night,

(23:11):
when they give us ahug or say, I love you.
But sometimes it can feel likea thankless job that takes up
almost all of our physicaland emotional space,
as much as we love these little humans.
So adding in some acknowledgementand appreciation can
soften that missing piece.

(23:33):
And I'm not talking about doing it whenyou're in the middle of a fight because
it never works. But I'm talkingin the small, simple, calm moments
in the random moments.
Not when we know our partner was homeall day cleaning when we come home and it
hasn't been discussed and the roomlooks nice and you acknowledge it.

(23:54):
It is simple. We need to feel appreciated.
We need to hear we're doing a good job.
We need to feel rewarded for ourhard work. We need to feel heard.
We need to feel understood.
And we need the co-parent in thisrelationship to provide that support
because they have the insidescoop on what life is really like.

(24:16):
And even then they don'tknow the full extent.
And if they don't have some kindof idea about how hard it might
be, sometimes it's also ourresponsibility to increase
their awareness first step in thisprocess and communicate our experiences.
The last step in this process,sharing in our struggle,

(24:39):
sharing in our triumphs and challenges,
being validated for these feelingsand someone offering to take
some of that load off wheneverpossible is what allows the
space to reduce or prevent resentment
and feel more balance in these dynamics.

(25:00):
Can't you just envision thatjustice scale moving and ebbing and
flowing just through this conversation.I, I mean, I love that visualization.
I love saying to myself whenI'm listing off, you know,
all of the defaults and I'm piling,you know, what's my favorite thing.
Like I don't really like jelly beans,but something maybe heavy. I don't know.
I keep envisioningcoal. No, let's do gold.

(25:22):
I'm envisioning goldbeing placed on the scale.
Every single time I'm doing somethingand watching it go down, dun, dun,
but we need to develop that awarenessof what the partner's doing.
We need to see where it's,you know, really helping us.
And we need to see what piecesof gold on that justice scale.
We can place on the other side sometimes.

(25:44):
And we need to be okay with that.
We need to allow ourselves the opportunity
to create space and notbe the barrier to our,
self-care not be the barrier toour wellbeing by putting up a
front and saying, I'm not gonna ask forhis help. I'm on mat leave right now.
This is my responsibility. I'm notmaking an income. His job is really hard.

(26:07):
It's really long hours. It's reallytaxing. I know how Hardy's working.
You can acknowledge that. You can givehim that appreciation and space to say,
thank you for taking care of our familyfinancially and doing all you do for our
family to keep everything afloat.We recognize and appreciate that.
I'm also drowning a little bit.
Can you help me out in the childrearing zone whenever possible,

(26:28):
can you encourage me to go for a run?
Can you encourage me to go upstairsand have a bath? And you've got dinner,
don't worry. And the kids arefine, whatever. It might be,
encourage small moments.
So taking away from this, Iwant you to think about that.
Maybe that will be our next episodeis how our partners can help

(26:50):
us find balance and how we canhelp them find balance in this
crazy ride of havingabsolutely no time for
ourselves while parenting andmaking time for ourselves,
which usually means onepartner's not. And one partner is

(27:10):
being the default parent isemotionally and physically taxing.
It requires a lot of ourinternal working model to plan,
figure out logistics, beeverything for everyone,
and still somehow manage to take careof ourselves at the end of the day.
No wonder half of usare finishing the day.

(27:31):
And all we wanna do is plop ourselvesin front of a Netflix show and binge or
scroll our phones with mindless, youknow, whatever we follow on Instagram,
which probably doesn't alwaysmake us feel great. But overall,
it is hard to fully explain andexpress this to our partners
because sometimes it insinuates thatour partner isn't pulling their weight,

(27:55):
that they're being an absent parent insome way or that they don't appreciate
the challenges of beingthe default parent.
So that is why communication isso important to do the awareness
step first. So we can sandwich everythingin there, bringing it to the table,
having the conversation and startingto navigate the ways in which

(28:17):
you can share the load tostart creating a new dynamic
for both parents. You are a team.
This takes teamwork. It'snot one versus the other.
It's a team. So I'll leave you with that.
Thank you so much for listening.
I hope you found some of thishelpful and in case someone

(28:41):
hasn't already told youtoday, you are amazing.
Take care. Bye.
Bye.