March 8, 2025 • 47 mins
Darcy shares her powerful journey from teenage drinking to finding freedom from alcohol without traditional recovery programs or labels. Her story weaves through decades of substance use, career changes, grief after losing her brother to suicide, and ultimately discovering a path to sobriety that works for her unique needs.
In this episode, Darcy approaches sobriety not as rigid perfection but as a journey of self-discovery. When cravings arise, she asks what's really missing—often discovering it's connection, rest, or emotional processing rather than the drink itself. Her story demonstrates that freedom from alcohol dependency doesn't require accepting disempowering labels or following one specific path.
Darcy Insta: https://www.instagram.com/darcysinsidejob/
Contact Darcy: darcy@theinsidejobwithdarcynolan.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone.
I'm so excited to be here withmy friend Darcy, and Darcy has
got a great story to share.
How are you going, darcy?
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I'm going great.
How are you?
It's great to see you.
I love that you're in thefuture.
I am.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
I am over in Australia.
It was particularly weird whenI was in 2025 and you were in
2024.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Weird and I keep insisting on you telling me if
America gets its shit togetheror not in 2025.
I'm here, hi everybody.
I'm here in just outside ofPortland, oregon, west Coast,
america, not too far from.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Seattle, america, not too far from Seattle.
Yes, well, it's so good to haveyou here and I'm excited for
you to share your story with thelisteners, so I will throw it
over to you if you don't mindsharing your story of how you
got to here.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
There's so many ways to tell my story and I, I, uh, I
often am like well, do I tellit from what?
What point of view do I tell itfrom how?
About a little introduction?
So I, let's see, I was born andraised in um, washington state,
in the U?
S, and so the Pacific Northwest, and now I live just outside of
(01:21):
Portland, oregon.
Um, I just retired from thepostal service where I worked at
for 30 years.
I, I have my husband, my person.
I have two fabulous bonus kids,stepchildren.
They're grown, but it's sofunny because I it really meant
(01:44):
a lot to me when my stepdaughterstarted started calling me her
bonus mama.
I love that.
Yeah, I love them.
They complete me, including.
I have a grandchild.
Wow, I have a grandchild.
It's like, oh, I get to have,you know, I get to be a grandma.
I mean I tried the whole thingof like I want to be a grant.
I mean I tried the whole thingof like well, I want to be a
(02:05):
grant, I want to.
Don't call me grandma, call meMimi, mimi, mimi Love it, I do
like that, but it hasn't caughton so far.
I started drinking in my teens,my early teens, basically to fit
in, right, everybody was doingit.
(02:28):
Oh, I just, uh, everybody wasdoing it, everybody.
I hung out.
I kind of was an old soul.
I felt like, um, I wanted to beaccepted, I wanted to, you know
, have excitement, and, um, soit was what everybody was doing
party, party that in in Spokane,or in Spokane.
In Spokane, there was a lot ofrestaurants, colleges that's
(02:50):
where Gonzaga is Restaurants,colleges, I guess, churches Not
that I went, or my family wentand keggers.
There wasn't a whole lot to do.
It's in a beautiful part of thecountry though, so, anyways, to
fit in.
And then, um, I also started tonotice I was different than a
lot of the people.
(03:10):
It was uh, uh, I would hang outwith people that were, um, you
know, I think I was in aconservative part of the country
, the which I never realized,cause my family wasn't super
conservative and I, you know, I,I, I gravitated towards, I
almost said gratitude, Igratituded towards people like
(03:32):
me.
That and you know, I realize nowthat there are reasons why I,
you know, liked to drink or justit made me feel more normal in
a lot of ways, and I don'tremember ever like I mean, I
remember we went to like a lotof keggers and a lot of like
(03:53):
parties, but I don't reallyremember like how we got there.
I don't remember.
I know I wasn't doing verylittle of the driving, thank
goodness but I find itinteresting that I don't
remember those parts.
But we always managed to.
You know, that was what we didand, like everyone, like on
Thursday and Friday you startgetting addresses of where
(04:14):
there's going to be a kegger.
Yeah, and then you know you'dspend the weekend going.
Well, there's supposed to beone at this address and there's
supposed to be one at thisaddress.
So, and I did notice again thatI, I was different and, um,
just and fitting in, seemed likeI, uh, I guess now you'd be
almost be like the chosen familythat you call it now, Like I
(04:36):
would.
I had a little bit more of achosen family.
My mom was working a lot Um, nodad in the picture and so I was
able to get away with a ton ofstuff.
I also started learning andmastering, not wanting to get
caught doing what I wasn'tsupposed to be doing, Let my mom
down, make her be worried.
(04:58):
So I started learning how to bewhat I learned once I started
how to be what I learned once Istarted.
Actually, it was in outpatientrehab where I learned.
I started learning manipulativeas a word.
A manipulative is a word thatis very kind of scary and I
(05:18):
think of a kind of a horribleperson.
Quote unquote is a manipulativeperson.
But then I started to learnthat you know it's a person
who's, in a nutshell, I guess,making the turnout be the way
you want it to be and doingwhatever I had to do to get it
to be that way, including lyingabout where I was going to be,
(05:41):
making sure I didn't get caught,Um, and so be learning how to
be manipulative, I guess becauseit was just really important
that I didn't worry my mom,Cause we had so much going on,
you know, for um, getting by,you know it was me, my mom and
(06:02):
my brother for a really longtime and wanting to, you know,
just not worry my mom.
So that's where I, you know thesecretiveness, so, and this is
kind of important, I'm, I'm, I'mthinking about it and maybe,
you know, doing some pauses here, but when I think about it I
(06:23):
definitely realized that thatwas a big part of of what became
who I started to continue toevolve, to become over the years
, and because in my twenties one, of course, right, what's the
best way?
When you're in Spokane, you, youit's kind of natural to many of
us.
You know you move to Seattle,you graduate from high school
and you move to Seattle or youmove to Portland.
(06:44):
They're not that far, really.
You know you move to Seattle,you graduate from high school
and you move to Seattle or youmove to Portland.
They're not that far, really,you know, it's like four hours
um to Seattle, um, five toPortland, Um, and it's pretty
natural for a lot of us to justmove and and um.
So, and it's perfect because I,I'm, I don't have the um
accountability or itaccountability or it wasn't.
(07:05):
There was no Instagram orFacebook, Nothing was being
posted that my family could see.
So my uncle, Bill, did tell meonce your mom knows more than
you think she did.
She knew a lot more than youthought she did.
But so I just went crazy.
I even pretended that I had aregular job and I would.
I became a stripper.
(07:25):
Because how else am I going tomove to Seattle, go to college?
Um, I did have a Pell grant,but that doesn't pay much.
It helps pay for books andstuff, but I had to be able to
move over there, pay bills andgo to school, and and I, I'd
actually already started doingthat in Spokane.
(07:51):
That's a story that we could oh,I'm always happy to talk about
that part of my life too, youknow to to pay the bills and to
party and to go to school, andit was a lot of fun.
I had lots of fun, and so in mytwenties, you know, I, um, it
was fun, it was exhausting, Um,but it was definitely like party
, party, party.
I thought I was going to belike, um, I went to school for
applied arts and science.
I thought I was going to beable to make like, like, uh,
(08:14):
movies or, um, you know, videosfor MTV or documentaries is
really one of my bags too.
I've made a few documentaries,but in, in, in, but I, um, you
know, I really, you know, and itwas really fun to, until it
(08:35):
wasn't because I was doing a lotof other substances at the same
time.
You know, I started a lot ofspeed, um, and the speed really
made me feel that's the, that isthe substance that really made
me feel.
Normal is that I, suddenly Icould focus, I could, um, I
could start, follow through andfinish an art project, Um, I, I
(08:59):
could go through a whole day notwondering why am I so tired?
You know, why am I this?
Why am I that?
I've always was, you know, likekind of a, never a real high
energy person, and that does notgo super well with America.
Well, you know, I think a lotof the world is there's a grind
(09:20):
culture.
You got to produce, produce,produce, produce.
You got to.
You know, work hard, play hard,Um.
And so I always have felt hugeguilt for being somebody who
needs a nap, who isn't able tojust go full speed ahead, um,
five days a week.
I can go full speed ahead maybetwo days a week.
(09:42):
I need the rest a week.
So it really helped me feelnormal.
I did a lot of speed and andand also so I didn't have the
side effects of drinking,because it kept me from getting
really drunk a lot.
It kept me from havingblackouts, all those things that
(10:03):
they didn't really happen whenI was using, so not that they
didn't happen if I wasn't usingat the time.
So, um, so and then.
But I did, I had.
I did have a lot of fun.
There was a lot of great timesand, uh, I met a lot of people.
The whole Seattle scene wasblowing up there's, I was on the
(10:23):
fringe of that, but yet there'salso, um, a lot of ways I was
involved in that.
And then, when, um, it wasstarting to catch up with me you
know I was I moved there when Iwas 19.
And by the time I was 24, um 25, I started, you know it's it
(10:44):
was really catching up with meand I was starting to try and
figure out what was wrong withme.
You know, going to the doctor,trying to, you know I just I was
diagnosed with hyperthyroidism,um, which you know, explained a
lot.
And also the treatment didn'treally work, Um, but I didn't
(11:08):
know that.
It wasn't supposed to.
It felt like it, you know,should work, like, oh, you just
take this thyroid pill and youshould be, but it never did make
me feel normal and so I Istarted to become, you know,
pretty depressed, um, and theeffects of long-term use,
because by then we're talking 10years.
I started definitely, you know,saying I started drinking and
(11:30):
using when I was 14 is late, itreally was before then, but
let's just say 14, you know, andwhen it really started and I,
that's 10 years, at 24, whereit's just starting to catch up
to me.
So when Kurt Cobain died bysuicide, it was really hard on
(11:51):
me and I, you know, I knew thatI had to get out of Seattle or I
might die too, because I justand my best friend, she was also
kind of in the same boat as me.
She was going to be moving.
She moved to Montana to go tocollege and we both knew we're
just like we have got to get outof here or, you know,
(12:13):
something's going to happen.
So I had some friends who livedin Portland and they're like
you know, there are a couple ofthem I met through a record
label, um, um, some people thatmanage some bands, and one and
one of them's wife worked at thepost office and she's like well
, you know, you can move downhere and all my boy.
(12:35):
At the time this is funny Forsome reason I decided I was only
dating guys that lived inPortland.
Portland is not that far fromSeattle, it's like two, it's
like two and a half hours.
So I was just anybody that Iwas dating lived in Portland,
not Seattle, and that wasanother way that you know, um,
my friends like, well, you know,I can help you, I can.
(12:56):
I know the number of the humanresource person at the post
office and you can get somebenefits.
And I always wanted benefits.
I wanted healthcare.
I never thought I'd get married.
I never thought.
I just always thought it wasgoing to be just me.
Nobody's going to help me out.
So this would be the perfectblue collar job where I can get
bennies they call them benniesbenefits.
(13:17):
I want healthcare, I want a wayto save.
Another thing I was doing when Iwas up in Seattle is I was, you
know, I was noticing good there, I just remember, and she was
so beautiful, but she was adancer and she was probably
about 40, just magnificentcreature, gorgeous.
She had a lot of regulars, lotsof money.
But you know, I was, you know,everybody seems old when you're
(13:40):
20 and somebody who's 33,they're like so old, Right, yeah
, and not that I thought she wasold, but I realized that she's
older and that, you know, shewas still doing this gig where
you know what's going to happenfor her future, and then having
the health problem, like notunderstanding why.
Why I was tired all the timeand you know, um, I, when I was
(14:02):
really little, I had my brandnew, my brand new front teeth
brand new.
I was like seven and I was inlittle.
I had my brand new, my brandnew front teeth brand new.
I was like seven and I was inschool and I was running,
tripped and fell in.
My brand new front teeth wentflying.
So dental was a big thing too.
Like I, I've always had to getlike all this dental work done.
I'm like I need healthcare, Ineed dental, I need a future.
(14:23):
You know, I need to startsaving because it's just going
to, you know, it's just going tobe me and nobody's going to
take care of me.
It's like a.
It was a rotating thing.
So that was just a big part of,and Kurt died and I, I, you know
, and so I, I jumped on thechance and I went down to
(14:44):
Portland, moved down there,pulled up stakes, moved down
there, and you know, these daysI wouldn't have had to do that,
I could have, you know, um, itwould have been much easier to
figure out how to get in contact.
You know, the post office.
I could have gotten a hold ofthe post office, the Seattle
office, just as easy as thePortland one, but, but again,
it's.
Um is the Portland one, but butagain it's.
Um, it's what I did.
(15:05):
And back then the test was hard.
You had to take a test to getinto the post office.
It was hard.
Anyways, I'm digressing.
We can talk about that, so movedown.
Um took the test and you know Ihad a boyfriend.
He's a really nice guy.
(15:26):
Um, I and I started a job thatI.
It was really hard because I wasnot used to.
You know, this is like this,isn't?
I took the test and my gradecame up and it was terrible.
Um, I don't know, I think itwas like let's just say it was
like in the seventies out of ahundred, Well, um, every every
(15:46):
decimal.
It took me like almost a yearand a half for my, my, my score,
to come up, because I, I don'tknow, it was hard.
I'm not good at memorization.
Um, looking at you, we had the.
They had these picture like abig giant box that was split up
into like like a hundred smallerboxes and each of those smaller
(16:09):
boxes had numbers in them andyou'd look at them for a minute
and then you're supposed towrite, like as many as you can
remember.
Things like that.
There's no way.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
So, anyway.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
So why?
Why did I bring that part up?
Oh, it took me.
It took me, I guess.
Just it took me a while for myscore to come up.
And so I became a temporaryworker until then, which was
great because I was able to.
Um, my parents said as soon asyou get, you know, you go
through your probationary period, um, we'll help you put.
I did have a lot of supportfrom my mom the whole this time
(16:40):
because she's like if you getthis job, you know where you're,
you have benefits and you havea future and um, you know we'll,
we'll put a no interest loan ona down payment on a place for
you and um.
So that was like a really goodmotivator and a gift.
Right, and it didn't.
That didn't happen much.
Um, in our culture back thenwhere, like your parents, they
(17:02):
just pretty much like theculture was you, boom, you're 18
, get out of the house, get out,get out and your peers they're
also like what?
You still live at home.
Like side note, ps, I'm so gladthat the culture these days has
changed.
Where it's okay, you don't haveto leave home at 18 necessarily
(17:23):
.
You know, family stayingtogether is much more benefits
than just I do.
Sometimes I'm like I wish Icould have stood at home.
Things might've been different,but I was lucky because I was
able to get through my temporaryyou know, your pro, my
probationary period, get, get apermanent position.
It took a little while and then, when I did, my parents helped
(17:45):
me put a no interest loan on a,on a place, a condo and um.
But going to the blue collarjob, it's like no fucking joke.
Um, it was exhausting and so,you know, it didn't take long at
all for me if I ever even quitusing and drinking.
(18:08):
In fact, the using it was easybecause the culture there, you
know, everybody did it,everybody did it, they used to.
I remember when I first startedum, they used to give somebody,
if they came into workintoxicated, they would give
them a free voucher for a taxihome.
This is 1994.
(18:32):
Wow so, and and you know,things are much different now,
of course, that would neverhappen, but it was just, it was.
It was work hard, play hard, um, and it was a struggle for me
to be able to work these longshifts standing, you know, much
different than being a littlestripper, you know, and having
(18:54):
different types of um, you knowcommitments and um, what you
have to do, and so, um again.
So now I'm in my I, you know my,my early mid twenties and, um,
I get my, my seniority and Istart, start going and I meet my
(19:16):
husband.
He's great, I love him and wepartied like it was 1999 for
like the first three years.
I don't even remember the firstthree years.
We were together practicallyand there was a lot of good and
bad about it and mostly it wasgood.
Just this work hard, play hard.
And this is where I really trulyrealized now that I started to
(19:38):
believe that drinking relievedmy stress, right.
And there was also signs, likeone of the first dates that we
went out on I remember waking upand he wasn't there and then
him coming back like a you know,a few hours later and him
saying do you remember breakingup with me last night?
I'm like, oh no, I got mad andI was throwing my shoes at him
(20:02):
and I was just saying you knowwe're going to split up anyways,
we might as well do it now.
It just really morphed into umI, but I did believe, like on my
days off and stuff, that thatyou know we would party, like
we'd get three day weekendsevery six weeks and we would
just party and and it workeduntil it didn't again and then
(20:22):
there.
But there was more chances atthis time because I was doing
less.
You know a lot less speed andjust and and, and I also have
struggled with eating.
You know way over eating for mywhole life.
That was my original thing,like you know.
I was home and um mom had towork and it was me and my little
brother and I could um makesome Mac and cheese and watch
(20:44):
little house on the Prairie andwonder woman and bionic woman
and and and the bionic man myfavorite kind of shows and um,
and you know, have somethingcomforting to eat, and that's
where I kind of I think Istarted using food as a comfort
as well.
So if I wasn't doing one, I wasdoing another and.
(21:05):
But there would be these timeswhere my husband would start
doing the talking, like you know, I would be mean, I guess you
know, and he's like.
He's like, do you know, youjust called me a bitch in the
last.
Like you know me, I get and Iwouldn't even really he goes to
you because just call me a bitchand like the last, you know,
three minutes, like two or threetimes, and I'm like no, so over
(21:36):
time that that led to.
And then, just where I was justlike no matter what, I was just
just getting hammered on my daysoff If I wasn't working really
hard, I was.
And then I'm climbing into my30s and so it was getting
starting to get like a littlebit harder to recover.
I'm out carrying mail the nextday and sick.
So finally, I don't know, mylate, my late thirties, is when
there was the, the, and it usedto like so I'd be mean and it
(21:59):
would happen like maybe once ayear, and then by my late 30s
and then, and then moving on tolike, oh, it happened every six
months, and then it happenedevery three months, and then it
just started happening more andmore to where I got an ultimatum
and so I decided, we decided Iwent into um outpatient where I
just went to um classes to.
(22:20):
You know, we decided well,because of course it was like
well, why can't you just drinkone?
Why do you have to get likejust wasted on?
I don't know, I don't have thatoff, but my husband had the off
button with everything, whetherit was substance or alcohol.
He has always had an off button.
I didn't have, I just made thethe, the that, but that it just
got worse.
(22:40):
For me, yeah, um, and I trulythought it was benefiting me.
But so he's, we're like, okay,you can stop drinking for a year
and then, and that didn't work.
But I really I kind of enjoyedthe outpatient because I learned
a lot and I was the only one inmy class that wasn't like in
there for um, a way to divertfrom getting jail time from a
(23:03):
drunk dry, a DUI or somethinglike that.
So that was kind of interestingand and I did learn.
I started learning, you know,certain things.
It was a good program.
I learned about, you know, postacute withdrawal system, pause,
post acute withdrawal syndromewhich I feel differently about.
Now.
I just, I feel differently.
I feel like that it's postacute withdrawal syndrome is
(23:26):
really just your brain has akind of a pathway and you,
almost like every spring, forsome reason, I crave delicious
beer.
I think it's a delicious, butreally what I'm craving is
probably connection.
I smell that barbecue and allof a sudden I'm like, oh, really
, I would like to be with somefriends and I'd like to, and I,
yes, I am thirsty, um, but so Ilearned a lot.
(23:50):
And then, um, it didn't work,cause I just, gradually, you
know, I would go, it would, itwould happen.
It just started happening againto where I, not every night,
every time I drank, was was anas a disaster, but, you know,
more and more times would be adisaster.
And then my husband startedgetting, you know, it's just
more and more ultimatums, moreand more like, instead of, we
(24:11):
were like a team and having fun.
It was him like having to worryabout taking care of me, and I
always felt shame, always feltshame and um, but we carry, you
know, we soldiered on and thenin my forties, I, you know it
became less about, you know,working hard, playing hard and
(24:33):
and the and the relieving stressas to to cover up grief.
My brother died when I was in mymid forties and I just missed
him terribly and it just he diedby suicide and it was just
devastating to me and my familyand his, his kids, and it just
are.
My family was just on the floorfor a long time and it, um, it
(24:59):
was, you know, it was just me,him and my mom for for a long
time, as when I was young andit's like he was my kid brother,
seven years younger than me,and kind of that whole.
You're not supposed to loseyour kids, right?
And I just miss my bro and itdidn't.
I never had, and still haven'thad, like super angry.
(25:25):
I went through the angry part ofgrief for him, just like, and I
also kind of was worried aboutit.
I was worried that he might dosomething like that, um, for the
entire year before it happenedand I didn't tell anybody.
The entire year before ithappened and I didn't tell
(25:47):
anybody.
And so I was, upon looking back, I realized that I um was
already grieving.
I was worried about the phonecall.
I um even went back and when Ireally started getting worried,
a few months before it happened,I went back to be home with him
and my family and, um, I justremember it was time for me to
(26:07):
go home and I didn't want toleave because I was like, cause
the, you know they're in Spokaneand it was time for me to fly
home and I knew somehow, I knewmy body knew that it was going
to be the last time I saw him.
I think I was just really upset.
I did not want to leave.
I did not want to leave and um,and later, when I looked back
(26:27):
on it, you know there's a lot ofthings that um, that
contributed and so, and there'sthere's some people can go
through when they lose a um, aloved one, by suicide.
If they, if they, if they die bysuicide, there may be time when
, or or even you know, a tragicor or not just losing somebody
(26:49):
who's close to you, you might,you may, feel like you want to
die too, and not necessarilythat you want to take your life,
but you don't care if you liveor die.
That happened to me and I knowthat when in other people that
I've talked to, it can be, um,something to watch out for, and
and that was really definitely apart of my story where I just
(27:13):
didn't care what happened to me.
And I really, like you know, myhusband was retiring at the
time, my um and I lived far awayfrom far away in theory.
I mean, really I don't livethat far away.
It's like a, it's like afive-hour drive if I want to go
home, um to Spokane and but yetit's.
(27:35):
You know I have a full-time joband I, so it's like it's like
it's forever.
You know it's like it's um,it's a half a world away.
Might as well be in Australia.
Support that would have beenmore helpful to, and I, but I
did.
I had a lot of gifts I, I Itook, I was able to have the
(27:56):
gift of, you know, the sickleave that I've earned to take
time off, and I did spend time.
You know I went home for like amonth, turned to take time off
and I did spend time.
You know I went home for like amonth.
I stayed with my mom and, youknow, my family and and I did I
was able to.
I did have a pretty supportivework environment, as much as
they can be Right and I, but itjust I, just really.
But then again, also there's awell, he's just your brother,
(28:20):
get over it.
He's.
There's a lot of demonizationbecause of the, the
misunderstanding of, of, ofsuicide and and how could a
person do such a thing?
And and I think alsounderstanding that sometimes you
know, not caring about yourself, it's just a, it changes you
(28:40):
and and and I'd already had a.
I already had a problem withwanting to escape and not
understanding just how much Ithought that I was getting a
benefit from drinking or using.
I really thought somehow butand I was by then, you know.
(29:01):
Now I know that it's reallythought somehow but and I was by
then, you know.
Now I know that it's it's, it'saddictive to everybody and and
I tried AA and um, I just alwaysfelt so damn guilty.
I felt so much shame um forhaving um for drinking and I
didn't want to, I always.
But I've always also, I'vealways really believed in the
(29:23):
power of groups and people shareand not feel alone that there's
this huge power.
I've always really dug grouptherapy.
I did it for eating.
I went to, you know, outpatient, inpatient, oh, I'm even
forgetting that I well, yeah, Iguess I'm getting to that.
I went into rehab after this.
(29:43):
But I, I really believe in thepower of groups.
But I didn't ever really connectwith aa because it was pretty
misogynistic and and that's okay.
I mean I I understood thephilosophy of it was written
this con, this con, um contentwas written a long time ago and
things were different and andthey didn't really want to
(30:05):
change things because what they,how they have it is working and
there's there's a lot of talkabout that particular topic,
like within the AA, likeboardrooms and stuff like that
about how you know, should wechange this Um and what's
working.
You know, there there's a lotof pushback about changing it.
But I didn't like that, themisogyny of it all.
(30:29):
And I didn't like um the guiltof or saying, uh, you never have
to say you know, hi, I'm Darcy,I'm an alcoholic, but you don't
have to say anything.
I didn't go to any of thosewere like really hardcore groups
.
There were some that wereweirder than others.
Um, but the whole thing whereyou can't be a sponsor until
(30:52):
you've been alcohol-free for ayear, having to write your
sobriety date down and notwanting to write my new sobriety
date down when I would have aum, when I would drink, I would
just, I just started.
It really started to like re um, dig in the um.
The shame for me.
(31:13):
And so and before this, youknow about a a little over a
year after my brother died, Iwent into.
I did go into rehab and it wasso.
I just wanted to go like I had aproblem with drinking.
Definitely, my husband was likeoh my God, I was in big trouble
, I did not care, I'd I'd comehome, I just drank until I
passed out.
I didn't want to feel like wasjust, I just did not care, my
(31:36):
poor doggy, taco the chichi, youknow you, just I'd get home, my
husband would be at work andI'd just be like, get outside,
go to the bathroom, you know,and instead of taking him for
his lovely walk and I enjoyed I,it was a great way I, I mostly
used rehab.
I didn't really think I could,um, stop drinking it's all I've
(31:57):
ever known is like drinking andusing it.
By by now I'm like pushing 50.
I just didn't care, um, whatwas it going to happen?
What?
What the consequences were?
What happened?
And I thought, and I wassneaking it and not doing a very
good job, and I was continuingto, to cement in these patterns
(32:18):
of sneaking, lying where I was,what I was doing, and it just
was just awful.
And so when I went into rehab, I, I, I did, I was like, oh, and
it was a way for me to get awayfrom work, because work what I,
I was having a really hard timeCause I was just so hung over
all the time and I'm starting toget resentful because I, it was
(32:43):
hard to, um, to move on, and soI didn't, I stayed in rehab,
for I went in in like Septemberof 2017.
And I stayed there till umearly December.
I didn't want to leave and itwasn't because I didn't want to
you know, be back home with myhusband.
(33:03):
I knew my you know my husband,and taco, my dog, missed me.
But I didn't have to back to, Ididn't want to have to go back
to work because it was the firsttime I had ever felt that I was
.
I didn't think I was worth everbefore, um taking a break from
work and using some sick leaveto maybe go get some help.
I did it all on my own time.
(33:25):
I didn't think I was worth, andthat was hard on me because
working full time and thentrying to go to treatment and so
I realized that I did not thinkI was worth.
The time it took the money thatI might spend or the basically
that's it the time I took themoney that I might spend, or the
uncomfortable conversation thatI might have with my husband
(33:47):
saying you know I am strugglingand I do want to go in and let
the chips fall where they may.
I really never felt I deservedany of that and until I finally
went in and then I just wantedto stay there and because there
was a lot of good, I went toHazelden in Oregon.
It was actually it's actuallylike it's far, but it's because
(34:07):
it takes like an hour and a halfto get there from my house.
But it's um, some people callit the dreaded Hazleton because
it's um a Betty Ford and there'sa lot of you know there was a
really good rehab but like RobinWilliams was there the last his
last rehab was there, was therethe last his last rehab was
(34:33):
there.
And so he, he has this reallygreat um, he did this really
great uh stand-up bit about howhe's because it's in the middle
of wine country and where I'm at, I mean, there's a big and he's
like so I'm, so I'm in rehab,uh, for coke in a in wine
country.
He does a really good stand onthat one.
So I stayed.
I did lots of self-help um, lotsof self-work, learned a lot,
(34:54):
loved it, but it didn't doanything to help stop me drink.
I started drinking immediatelyafterwards and then that it made
it even worse over time becauseI was sneaking, you know, and I
didn't have my family here, Ijust had my husband.
I isolated myself from mystepkids, my support system that
(35:16):
I did have, that you know.
And I didn't have my familyhere, I just had my husband.
I isolated myself from mystepkids.
My support system that I didhave, that you know knew that I
wanted to not drink, and justsome real guy.
Then it just got even worse thehiding, the manipulating, the
lying, the drinking, the beingsuspected, the trying, the
plotting, the planning, the allof it, the plotting, the
planning, the all of it.
And so I did have a woman who,um, is the wife of one of my
fellow postal workers that umletter carriers that I really
(35:37):
liked and um was trying to beproud of.
Yeah, I quit drinking and Istill felt a lot of shame over
even because this was in 2018and it was, you know, still
there.
I had never even heard of dryJanuary or dry July or sober
October I don't know how popularthose were then back then, but
it was.
(35:57):
I still felt a lot of like, Ifelt awkward.
But Barb, my friend, shestarted going to, she went to a
couple AA meetings with me andshe was supportive.
And then finally one day shelooked at me and she's like look
, I got a book for you.
Read this book and you're nevergoing to drink again.
And um, that did not happen.
(36:19):
This is 2018.
I wasn't able to get um threedays in sober until almost 2021.
But it was Annie anti-graces, um, this naked mind, where it
showed the science, the um, ofwhat really happens to you
biologically, neurologically,physiologically, all these
things when you drink.
That it's it's not your fault,but it is your responsibility,
(36:45):
and that I'm not.
I don't have to identify as analcoholic and it, it, it did
immediately.
Reading that book didimmediately change.
Um, my, I had a switch where Iknew I was going to make it, but
I did.
You know, I knew it.
I also knew it didn't happenright away, and I was.
(37:09):
I also knew it didn't happenright away and I was.
I was okay with it, not sort of, I mean, it was painful that it
that I could, it did.
I didn't have that switch.
She had the switch where shequit drinking right away, but I
realized it was because you knowher story was different.
Um, and you know she, shedefinitely um, there are some
people that are able to read abook like that and realize, oh,
my God, I'm being marketed toand I'm um, you know, alcohol
(37:33):
isn't helping me, it's hurtingme, and you know it's not true.
There is no alcoholic gene,there isn't these things, and
it's enough to um, but I didn't,I didn't.
I still think that part of likeyou know, that self-worth
feeling that I was worth it andI was just still so fucking sad,
(37:53):
you know.
I just miss my brother, I missedwhat happened.
You know he had five kids, Ihad three little boys, and so
there's just a lot of pain thatI wasn't ready to face.
And looking at it in adifferent way.
And you know, taking um, I, Ijoined the path and um I really
(38:17):
liked.
I learned about that.
You know, it is true, you cannotdo this alone.
I mean some people, maybethere's a rare person that can
do it alone but knowing thatyou're not alone, that that your
story, um, mine isn't the sameas everybody else's, but
somebody's going to reallyrelate to your story, you're not
alone, you're not the only one,you're not broken, um, and
(38:40):
learning that, holy shit, I'mempowered, I uh, I get to learn
who I am now and learning that Ican have fun and nobody gives a
shit if I'm drinking or notdrinking for the most part, and
when somebody does what Iremember doing before, when
somebody is like, uh, I had afriend in fact it was Barb, the
(39:02):
person I talk about who gave methe book.
It was her husband.
One time we were all at thisconvention he's like no, I don't
do shots, you know, I don't doshots.
I'll drink beer, but I don't doshots.
And we were all just pressuringhim, pressuring him, pressuring
him, pressuring him and finallyhe's like fine, you know you
guys are going to deal with therepercussions tomorrow and it
didn't go well for him.
Um, but I was one of thosepeople that would be like what
(39:24):
do you mean?
You're not drinking, you'reweird, you're not cool, you're
not sexy, you're not this,you're not that.
Um, just starting to learn thatthat's not true and to question
the thoughts in my head andthat, yeah, I was addicted to
alcohol.
And uh, just because I wasaddicted to alcohol, you know
you don't hear people saying,yeah, alcohol.
(39:46):
You know you don't hear peoplesaying, yeah, like, looking down
, this is my husband.
Like he used to smoke it waskind of what you did in the
military, but he doesn't smokeanymore and he didn't smoke for
very long.
You know, not that that matters, but you don't call him, we
(40:11):
don't call him, a cigaholic,yeah, yeah.
And so that's the.
The one of the boing biggest umaha is that.
And I also like knowing thatthe tobacco industry like that
they put this chemical intobacco to make it more
addictive, and the marketing.
And then like, oh, you know themarketing that they do to
mothers and especially,especially, to you know, when
you're not, you're not, you'renot blowing off your steam,
you're not, you're not going toget stress relief from you,
(40:32):
don't get hammered at your bookclub and your mommy juice and
anyways I.
It's just been a real gift tobe able to turn all of that
around and look at it in a waythat works for me.
And what works for me is I'mnot an alcoholic, neither are
you, and when somebody cause Iwas still when somebody says, um
(40:54):
, oh, you know, I see, I knowyou take your sobriety um
seriously, darcy, and I'd belike, for sometimes I would be
like I don't know, stop sayingI'm sobriety, I just don't drink
anymore.
Now, even now that that'schanged around, because it, uh,
I felt as I still, and I, but Ido still struggle sometimes with
(41:16):
shame, right, like um, I juststill catch myself feeling shame
.
That, and it is one of thestories I would tell myself
about why I couldn't take abreak from drinking and maybe
get some help.
Um, maybe go to that, you know,a week retreat where you know it
(41:37):
might cost a little bit ofmoney, but I'm going to go to a
retreat and I'm going tomeditate or I'm going to um hike
or I just didn't think I wasworth any of that, looking in to
look into any of that and um, alot of that, I'm sure, I'm sure
just deals with, with shame andthen and then now, then there's
(41:58):
, like you know, and the griefpart.
I guess I said when I end withmy 50s and I was like doing
grief, then then all of a sudden, when I start, all of a a
sudden, I'm like, well, I'm nowI'm grieving the loss of my
youth.
There's all kinds of grief, butyeah, but I've learned to have
a lot of fun, yeah, yeah, andhow much fun it is, um, um,
(42:20):
remembering things.
I'm not allowing my, mymemories to be stolen, uh, you
know, and not being resentfulall the time about everything
and anything you know it's just,and learning how to, how to
process my grief, even thoughthat's that that took.
It takes a lot of work, yeah,and I'm, and I can do it now,
(42:41):
and, and I can, and I don't haveto be sober in a certain in a
certain way either.
I can be, I can still be livingthree out of the seven deadly
sins at any point any time ofany day.
You know what are they.
You know sloth, greed,gladdening.
You know, there, I can, I can,I don't.
(43:03):
I don't have to do sobrietyperfect either.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't.
Even if I did have a drink, itwouldn't matter, because I don't
want to.
But I still sometimes will belike, oh, hmm, I'll have that,
what's missing?
And then I'll think, well,what's missing is well, really,
I am thirsty and I need somefriends.
(43:25):
I need some friendship rightnow.
I need this or that.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
Amazing and I need some friends.
I need some friendship rightnow.
I need this or that.
So, yeah, amazing, I'm going tohave to have you back on
because I mean that was reallyinspirational to hear all that,
and I'd love to dig deeper intosome of the things that you
spoke about and how you got towhere you are.
So, and I'm sure peoplelistening would love to as well.
But, yes, we're going to haveto wrap it up now, so where can
(43:52):
people find you?
Speaker 2 (43:53):
um, in the meantime, so I have a a little gig that I
um where I do I do group andindividual coaching.
Um, it's called um my my.
My website is at Darcy Nolan,at inside job with Darcy
Nolancom.
Speaker 1 (44:13):
Beautiful.
I'll put it in the show notesas well.
Speaker 2 (44:15):
So another good one that's even easier is coach
Darcy PDX at hotmailcom.
That's a good one too, but well, I'll tell you, just because I
was kind of a rube when I madethat first email address, it's
pretty long and yeah, and so Iwould love to hear from anyone
and I'll be back, oh you'll beback and, yeah, reach out to
(44:38):
Darcy if you want to.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Yeah, get in touch.
That was incredible.
I thank you so much for sharing.
You know, I know that I can'teven imagine how hard it was
with your brother, and so thankyou for sharing and being so
open and vulnerable.
I'm sure it will make adifference to a lot of people,
but I will definitely be havingyou back and I look forward to
(45:00):
it.
Hey everyone.
I'm so excited to be here withmy friend Darcy, and Darcy has
got a great story to share.
How are you going, darcy?
Speaker 2 (00:10):
I'm going great.
How are you?
It's great to see you.
I love that you're in thefuture.
I am.
Speaker 1 (00:19):
I am over in Australia.
It was particularly weird whenI was in 2025 and you were in
2024.
Speaker 2 (00:26):
Weird and I keep insisting on you telling me if
America gets its shit togetheror not in 2025.
I'm here, hi everybody.
I'm here in just outside ofPortland, oregon, west Coast,
america, not too far from.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
Seattle, america, not too far from Seattle.
Yes, well, it's so good to haveyou here and I'm excited for
you to share your story with thelisteners, so I will throw it
over to you if you don't mindsharing your story of how you
got to here.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
There's so many ways to tell my story and I, I, uh, I
often am like well, do I tellit from what?
What point of view do I tell itfrom how?
About a little introduction?
So I, let's see, I was born andraised in um, washington state,
in the U?
S, and so the Pacific Northwest, and now I live just outside of
(01:21):
Portland, oregon.
Um, I just retired from thepostal service where I worked at
for 30 years.
I, I have my husband, my person.
I have two fabulous bonus kids,stepchildren.
They're grown, but it's sofunny because I it really meant
(01:44):
a lot to me when my stepdaughterstarted started calling me her
bonus mama.
I love that.
Yeah, I love them.
They complete me, including.
I have a grandchild.
Wow, I have a grandchild.
It's like, oh, I get to have,you know, I get to be a grandma.
I mean I tried the whole thingof like I want to be a grant.
I mean I tried the whole thingof like well, I want to be a
(02:05):
grant, I want to.
Don't call me grandma, call meMimi, mimi, mimi Love it, I do
like that, but it hasn't caughton so far.
I started drinking in my teens,my early teens, basically to fit
in, right, everybody was doingit.
(02:28):
Oh, I just, uh, everybody wasdoing it, everybody.
I hung out.
I kind of was an old soul.
I felt like, um, I wanted to beaccepted, I wanted to, you know
, have excitement, and, um, soit was what everybody was doing
party, party that in in Spokane,or in Spokane.
In Spokane, there was a lot ofrestaurants, colleges that's
(02:50):
where Gonzaga is Restaurants,colleges, I guess, churches Not
that I went, or my family wentand keggers.
There wasn't a whole lot to do.
It's in a beautiful part of thecountry though, so, anyways, to
fit in.
And then, um, I also started tonotice I was different than a
lot of the people.
(03:10):
It was uh, uh, I would hang outwith people that were, um, you
know, I think I was in aconservative part of the country
, the which I never realized,cause my family wasn't super
conservative and I, you know, I,I, I gravitated towards, I
almost said gratitude, Igratituded towards people like
(03:32):
me.
That and you know, I realize nowthat there are reasons why I,
you know, liked to drink or justit made me feel more normal in
a lot of ways, and I don'tremember ever like I mean, I
remember we went to like a lotof keggers and a lot of like
(03:53):
parties, but I don't reallyremember like how we got there.
I don't remember.
I know I wasn't doing verylittle of the driving, thank
goodness but I find itinteresting that I don't
remember those parts.
But we always managed to.
You know, that was what we didand, like everyone, like on
Thursday and Friday you startgetting addresses of where
(04:14):
there's going to be a kegger.
Yeah, and then you know you'dspend the weekend going.
Well, there's supposed to beone at this address and there's
supposed to be one at thisaddress.
So, and I did notice again thatI, I was different and, um,
just and fitting in, seemed likeI, uh, I guess now you'd be
almost be like the chosen familythat you call it now, Like I
(04:36):
would.
I had a little bit more of achosen family.
My mom was working a lot Um, nodad in the picture and so I was
able to get away with a ton ofstuff.
I also started learning andmastering, not wanting to get
caught doing what I wasn'tsupposed to be doing, Let my mom
down, make her be worried.
(04:58):
So I started learning how to bewhat I learned once I started
how to be what I learned once Istarted.
Actually, it was in outpatientrehab where I learned.
I started learning manipulativeas a word.
A manipulative is a word thatis very kind of scary and I
(05:18):
think of a kind of a horribleperson.
Quote unquote is a manipulativeperson.
But then I started to learnthat you know it's a person
who's, in a nutshell, I guess,making the turnout be the way
you want it to be and doingwhatever I had to do to get it
to be that way, including lyingabout where I was going to be,
(05:41):
making sure I didn't get caught,Um, and so be learning how to
be manipulative, I guess becauseit was just really important
that I didn't worry my mom,Cause we had so much going on,
you know, for um, getting by,you know it was me, my mom and
(06:02):
my brother for a really longtime and wanting to, you know,
just not worry my mom.
So that's where I, you know thesecretiveness, so, and this is
kind of important, I'm, I'm, I'mthinking about it and maybe,
you know, doing some pauses here, but when I think about it I
(06:23):
definitely realized that thatwas a big part of of what became
who I started to continue toevolve, to become over the years
, and because in my twenties one, of course, right, what's the
best way?
When you're in Spokane, you, youit's kind of natural to many of
us.
You know you move to Seattle,you graduate from high school
and you move to Seattle or youmove to Portland.
(06:44):
They're not that far, really.
You know you move to Seattle,you graduate from high school
and you move to Seattle or youmove to Portland.
They're not that far, really,you know, it's like four hours
um to Seattle, um, five toPortland, Um, and it's pretty
natural for a lot of us to justmove and and um.
So, and it's perfect because I,I'm, I don't have the um
accountability or itaccountability or it wasn't.
(07:05):
There was no Instagram orFacebook, Nothing was being
posted that my family could see.
So my uncle, Bill, did tell meonce your mom knows more than
you think she did.
She knew a lot more than youthought she did.
But so I just went crazy.
I even pretended that I had aregular job and I would.
I became a stripper.
(07:25):
Because how else am I going tomove to Seattle, go to college?
Um, I did have a Pell grant,but that doesn't pay much.
It helps pay for books andstuff, but I had to be able to
move over there, pay bills andgo to school, and and I, I'd
actually already started doingthat in Spokane.
(07:51):
That's a story that we could oh,I'm always happy to talk about
that part of my life too, youknow to to pay the bills and to
party and to go to school, andit was a lot of fun.
I had lots of fun, and so in mytwenties, you know, I, um, it
was fun, it was exhausting, Um,but it was definitely like party
, party, party.
I thought I was going to belike, um, I went to school for
applied arts and science.
I thought I was going to beable to make like, like, uh,
(08:14):
movies or, um, you know, videosfor MTV or documentaries is
really one of my bags too.
I've made a few documentaries,but in, in, in, but I, um, you
know, I really, you know, and itwas really fun to, until it
(08:35):
wasn't because I was doing a lotof other substances at the same
time.
You know, I started a lot ofspeed, um, and the speed really
made me feel that's the, that isthe substance that really made
me feel.
Normal is that I, suddenly Icould focus, I could, um, I
could start, follow through andfinish an art project, Um, I, I
(08:59):
could go through a whole day notwondering why am I so tired?
You know, why am I this?
Why am I that?
I've always was, you know, likekind of a, never a real high
energy person, and that does notgo super well with America.
Well, you know, I think a lotof the world is there's a grind
(09:20):
culture.
You got to produce, produce,produce, produce.
You got to.
You know, work hard, play hard,Um.
And so I always have felt hugeguilt for being somebody who
needs a nap, who isn't able tojust go full speed ahead, um,
five days a week.
I can go full speed ahead maybetwo days a week.
(09:42):
I need the rest a week.
So it really helped me feelnormal.
I did a lot of speed and andand also so I didn't have the
side effects of drinking,because it kept me from getting
really drunk a lot.
It kept me from havingblackouts, all those things that
(10:03):
they didn't really happen whenI was using, so not that they
didn't happen if I wasn't usingat the time.
So, um, so and then.
But I did, I had.
I did have a lot of fun.
There was a lot of great timesand, uh, I met a lot of people.
The whole Seattle scene wasblowing up there's, I was on the
(10:23):
fringe of that, but yet there'salso, um, a lot of ways I was
involved in that.
And then, when, um, it wasstarting to catch up with me you
know I was I moved there when Iwas 19.
And by the time I was 24, um 25, I started, you know it's it
(10:44):
was really catching up with meand I was starting to try and
figure out what was wrong withme.
You know, going to the doctor,trying to, you know I just I was
diagnosed with hyperthyroidism,um, which you know, explained a
lot.
And also the treatment didn'treally work, Um, but I didn't
(11:08):
know that.
It wasn't supposed to.
It felt like it, you know,should work, like, oh, you just
take this thyroid pill and youshould be, but it never did make
me feel normal and so I Istarted to become, you know,
pretty depressed, um, and theeffects of long-term use,
because by then we're talking 10years.
I started definitely, you know,saying I started drinking and
(11:30):
using when I was 14 is late, itreally was before then, but
let's just say 14, you know, andwhen it really started and I,
that's 10 years, at 24, whereit's just starting to catch up
to me.
So when Kurt Cobain died bysuicide, it was really hard on
(11:51):
me and I, you know, I knew thatI had to get out of Seattle or I
might die too, because I justand my best friend, she was also
kind of in the same boat as me.
She was going to be moving.
She moved to Montana to go tocollege and we both knew we're
just like we have got to get outof here or, you know,
(12:13):
something's going to happen.
So I had some friends who livedin Portland and they're like
you know, there are a couple ofthem I met through a record
label, um, um, some people thatmanage some bands, and one and
one of them's wife worked at thepost office and she's like well
, you know, you can move downhere and all my boy.
(12:35):
At the time this is funny Forsome reason I decided I was only
dating guys that lived inPortland.
Portland is not that far fromSeattle, it's like two, it's
like two and a half hours.
So I was just anybody that Iwas dating lived in Portland,
not Seattle, and that wasanother way that you know, um,
my friends like, well, you know,I can help you, I can.
(12:56):
I know the number of the humanresource person at the post
office and you can get somebenefits.
And I always wanted benefits.
I wanted healthcare.
I never thought I'd get married.
I never thought.
I just always thought it wasgoing to be just me.
Nobody's going to help me out.
So this would be the perfectblue collar job where I can get
bennies they call them benniesbenefits.
(13:17):
I want healthcare, I want a wayto save.
Another thing I was doing when Iwas up in Seattle is I was, you
know, I was noticing good there, I just remember, and she was
so beautiful, but she was adancer and she was probably
about 40, just magnificentcreature, gorgeous.
She had a lot of regulars, lotsof money.
But you know, I was, you know,everybody seems old when you're
(13:40):
20 and somebody who's 33,they're like so old, Right, yeah
, and not that I thought she wasold, but I realized that she's
older and that, you know, shewas still doing this gig where
you know what's going to happenfor her future, and then having
the health problem, like notunderstanding why.
Why I was tired all the timeand you know, um, I, when I was
(14:02):
really little, I had my brandnew, my brand new front teeth
brand new.
I was like seven and I was inlittle.
I had my brand new, my brandnew front teeth brand new.
I was like seven and I was inschool and I was running,
tripped and fell in.
My brand new front teeth wentflying.
So dental was a big thing too.
Like I, I've always had to getlike all this dental work done.
I'm like I need healthcare, Ineed dental, I need a future.
(14:23):
You know, I need to startsaving because it's just going
to, you know, it's just going tobe me and nobody's going to
take care of me.
It's like a.
It was a rotating thing.
So that was just a big part of,and Kurt died and I, I, you know
, and so I, I jumped on thechance and I went down to
(14:44):
Portland, moved down there,pulled up stakes, moved down
there, and you know, these daysI wouldn't have had to do that,
I could have, you know, um, itwould have been much easier to
figure out how to get in contact.
You know, the post office.
I could have gotten a hold ofthe post office, the Seattle
office, just as easy as thePortland one, but, but again,
it's.
Um is the Portland one, but butagain it's.
Um, it's what I did.
(15:05):
And back then the test was hard.
You had to take a test to getinto the post office.
It was hard.
Anyways, I'm digressing.
We can talk about that, so movedown.
Um took the test and you know Ihad a boyfriend.
He's a really nice guy.
(15:26):
Um, I and I started a job thatI.
It was really hard because I wasnot used to.
You know, this is like this,isn't?
I took the test and my gradecame up and it was terrible.
Um, I don't know, I think itwas like let's just say it was
like in the seventies out of ahundred, Well, um, every every
(15:46):
decimal.
It took me like almost a yearand a half for my, my, my score,
to come up, because I, I don'tknow, it was hard.
I'm not good at memorization.
Um, looking at you, we had the.
They had these picture like abig giant box that was split up
into like like a hundred smallerboxes and each of those smaller
(16:09):
boxes had numbers in them andyou'd look at them for a minute
and then you're supposed towrite, like as many as you can
remember.
Things like that.
There's no way.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
So, anyway.
Speaker 2 (16:17):
So why?
Why did I bring that part up?
Oh, it took me.
It took me, I guess.
Just it took me a while for myscore to come up.
And so I became a temporaryworker until then, which was
great because I was able to.
Um, my parents said as soon asyou get, you know, you go
through your probationary period, um, we'll help you put.
I did have a lot of supportfrom my mom the whole this time
(16:40):
because she's like if you getthis job, you know where you're,
you have benefits and you havea future and um, you know we'll,
we'll put a no interest loan ona down payment on a place for
you and um.
So that was like a really goodmotivator and a gift.
Right, and it didn't.
That didn't happen much.
Um, in our culture back thenwhere, like your parents, they
(17:02):
just pretty much like theculture was you, boom, you're 18
, get out of the house, get out,get out and your peers they're
also like what?
You still live at home.
Like side note, ps, I'm so gladthat the culture these days has
changed.
Where it's okay, you don't haveto leave home at 18 necessarily
(17:23):
.
You know, family stayingtogether is much more benefits
than just I do.
Sometimes I'm like I wish Icould have stood at home.
Things might've been different,but I was lucky because I was
able to get through my temporaryyou know, your pro, my
probationary period, get, get apermanent position.
It took a little while and then, when I did, my parents helped
(17:45):
me put a no interest loan on a,on a place, a condo and um.
But going to the blue collarjob, it's like no fucking joke.
Um, it was exhausting and so,you know, it didn't take long at
all for me if I ever even quitusing and drinking.
(18:08):
In fact, the using it was easybecause the culture there, you
know, everybody did it,everybody did it, they used to.
I remember when I first startedum, they used to give somebody,
if they came into workintoxicated, they would give
them a free voucher for a taxihome.
This is 1994.
(18:32):
Wow so, and and you know,things are much different now,
of course, that would neverhappen, but it was just, it was.
It was work hard, play hard, um, and it was a struggle for me
to be able to work these longshifts standing, you know, much
different than being a littlestripper, you know, and having
(18:54):
different types of um, you knowcommitments and um, what you
have to do, and so, um again.
So now I'm in my I, you know my,my early mid twenties and, um,
I get my, my seniority and Istart, start going and I meet my
(19:16):
husband.
He's great, I love him and wepartied like it was 1999 for
like the first three years.
I don't even remember the firstthree years.
We were together practicallyand there was a lot of good and
bad about it and mostly it wasgood.
Just this work hard, play hard.
And this is where I really trulyrealized now that I started to
(19:38):
believe that drinking relievedmy stress, right.
And there was also signs, likeone of the first dates that we
went out on I remember waking upand he wasn't there and then
him coming back like a you know,a few hours later and him
saying do you remember breakingup with me last night?
I'm like, oh no, I got mad andI was throwing my shoes at him
(20:02):
and I was just saying you knowwe're going to split up anyways,
we might as well do it now.
It just really morphed into umI, but I did believe, like on my
days off and stuff, that thatyou know we would party, like
we'd get three day weekendsevery six weeks and we would
just party and and it workeduntil it didn't again and then
(20:22):
there.
But there was more chances atthis time because I was doing
less.
You know a lot less speed andjust and and, and I also have
struggled with eating.
You know way over eating for mywhole life.
That was my original thing,like you know.
I was home and um mom had towork and it was me and my little
brother and I could um makesome Mac and cheese and watch
(20:44):
little house on the Prairie andwonder woman and bionic woman
and and and the bionic man myfavorite kind of shows and um,
and you know, have somethingcomforting to eat, and that's
where I kind of I think Istarted using food as a comfort
as well.
So if I wasn't doing one, I wasdoing another and.
(21:05):
But there would be these timeswhere my husband would start
doing the talking, like you know, I would be mean, I guess you
know, and he's like.
He's like, do you know, youjust called me a bitch in the
last.
Like you know me, I get and Iwouldn't even really he goes to
you because just call me a bitchand like the last, you know,
three minutes, like two or threetimes, and I'm like no, so over
(21:36):
time that that led to.
And then, just where I was justlike no matter what, I was just
just getting hammered on my daysoff If I wasn't working really
hard, I was.
And then I'm climbing into my30s and so it was getting
starting to get like a littlebit harder to recover.
I'm out carrying mail the nextday and sick.
So finally, I don't know, mylate, my late thirties, is when
there was the, the, and it usedto like so I'd be mean and it
(21:59):
would happen like maybe once ayear, and then by my late 30s
and then, and then moving on tolike, oh, it happened every six
months, and then it happenedevery three months, and then it
just started happening more andmore to where I got an ultimatum
and so I decided, we decided Iwent into um outpatient where I
just went to um classes to.
(22:20):
You know, we decided well,because of course it was like
well, why can't you just drinkone?
Why do you have to get likejust wasted on?
I don't know, I don't have thatoff, but my husband had the off
button with everything, whetherit was substance or alcohol.
He has always had an off button.
I didn't have, I just made thethe, the that, but that it just
got worse.
(22:40):
For me, yeah, um, and I trulythought it was benefiting me.
But so he's, we're like, okay,you can stop drinking for a year
and then, and that didn't work.
But I really I kind of enjoyedthe outpatient because I learned
a lot and I was the only one inmy class that wasn't like in
there for um, a way to divertfrom getting jail time from a
(23:03):
drunk dry, a DUI or somethinglike that.
So that was kind of interestingand and I did learn.
I started learning, you know,certain things.
It was a good program.
I learned about, you know, postacute withdrawal system, pause,
post acute withdrawal syndromewhich I feel differently about.
Now.
I just, I feel differently.
I feel like that it's postacute withdrawal syndrome is
(23:26):
really just your brain has akind of a pathway and you,
almost like every spring, forsome reason, I crave delicious
beer.
I think it's a delicious, butreally what I'm craving is
probably connection.
I smell that barbecue and allof a sudden I'm like, oh, really
, I would like to be with somefriends and I'd like to, and I,
yes, I am thirsty, um, but so Ilearned a lot.
(23:50):
And then, um, it didn't work,cause I just, gradually, you
know, I would go, it would, itwould happen.
It just started happening againto where I, not every night,
every time I drank, was was anas a disaster, but, you know,
more and more times would be adisaster.
And then my husband startedgetting, you know, it's just
more and more ultimatums, moreand more like, instead of, we
(24:11):
were like a team and having fun.
It was him like having to worryabout taking care of me, and I
always felt shame, always feltshame and um, but we carry, you
know, we soldiered on and thenin my forties, I, you know it
became less about, you know,working hard, playing hard and
(24:33):
and the and the relieving stressas to to cover up grief.
My brother died when I was in mymid forties and I just missed
him terribly and it just he diedby suicide and it was just
devastating to me and my familyand his, his kids, and it just
are.
My family was just on the floorfor a long time and it, um, it
(24:59):
was, you know, it was just me,him and my mom for for a long
time, as when I was young andit's like he was my kid brother,
seven years younger than me,and kind of that whole.
You're not supposed to loseyour kids, right?
And I just miss my bro and itdidn't.
I never had, and still haven'thad, like super angry.
(25:25):
I went through the angry part ofgrief for him, just like, and I
also kind of was worried aboutit.
I was worried that he might dosomething like that, um, for the
entire year before it happenedand I didn't tell anybody.
The entire year before ithappened and I didn't tell
(25:47):
anybody.
And so I was, upon looking back, I realized that I um was
already grieving.
I was worried about the phonecall.
I um even went back and when Ireally started getting worried,
a few months before it happened,I went back to be home with him
and my family and, um, I justremember it was time for me to
(26:07):
go home and I didn't want toleave because I was like, cause
the, you know they're in Spokaneand it was time for me to fly
home and I knew somehow, I knewmy body knew that it was going
to be the last time I saw him.
I think I was just really upset.
I did not want to leave.
I did not want to leave and um,and later, when I looked back
(26:27):
on it, you know there's a lot ofthings that um, that
contributed and so, and there'sthere's some people can go
through when they lose a um, aloved one, by suicide.
If they, if they, if they die bysuicide, there may be time when
, or or even you know, a tragicor or not just losing somebody
(26:49):
who's close to you, you might,you may, feel like you want to
die too, and not necessarilythat you want to take your life,
but you don't care if you liveor die.
That happened to me and I knowthat when in other people that
I've talked to, it can be, um,something to watch out for, and
and that was really definitely apart of my story where I just
(27:13):
didn't care what happened to me.
And I really, like you know, myhusband was retiring at the
time, my um and I lived far awayfrom far away in theory.
I mean, really I don't livethat far away.
It's like a, it's like afive-hour drive if I want to go
home, um to Spokane and but yetit's.
(27:35):
You know I have a full-time joband I, so it's like it's like
it's forever.
You know it's like it's um,it's a half a world away.
Might as well be in Australia.
Support that would have beenmore helpful to, and I, but I
did.
I had a lot of gifts I, I Itook, I was able to have the
(27:56):
gift of, you know, the sickleave that I've earned to take
time off, and I did spend time.
You know I went home for like amonth, turned to take time off
and I did spend time.
You know I went home for like amonth.
I stayed with my mom and, youknow, my family and and I did I
was able to.
I did have a pretty supportivework environment, as much as
they can be Right and I, but itjust I, just really.
But then again, also there's awell, he's just your brother,
(28:20):
get over it.
He's.
There's a lot of demonizationbecause of the, the
misunderstanding of, of, ofsuicide and and how could a
person do such a thing?
And and I think alsounderstanding that sometimes you
know, not caring about yourself, it's just a, it changes you
(28:40):
and and and I'd already had a.
I already had a problem withwanting to escape and not
understanding just how much Ithought that I was getting a
benefit from drinking or using.
I really thought somehow butand I was by then, you know.
(29:01):
Now I know that it's reallythought somehow but and I was by
then, you know.
Now I know that it's it's, it'saddictive to everybody and and
I tried AA and um, I just alwaysfelt so damn guilty.
I felt so much shame um forhaving um for drinking and I
didn't want to, I always.
But I've always also, I'vealways really believed in the
(29:23):
power of groups and people shareand not feel alone that there's
this huge power.
I've always really dug grouptherapy.
I did it for eating.
I went to, you know, outpatient, inpatient, oh, I'm even
forgetting that I well, yeah, Iguess I'm getting to that.
I went into rehab after this.
(29:43):
But I, I really believe in thepower of groups.
But I didn't ever really connectwith aa because it was pretty
misogynistic and and that's okay.
I mean I I understood thephilosophy of it was written
this con, this con, um contentwas written a long time ago and
things were different and andthey didn't really want to
(30:05):
change things because what they,how they have it is working and
there's there's a lot of talkabout that particular topic,
like within the AA, likeboardrooms and stuff like that
about how you know, should wechange this Um and what's
working.
You know, there there's a lotof pushback about changing it.
But I didn't like that, themisogyny of it all.
(30:29):
And I didn't like um the guiltof or saying, uh, you never have
to say you know, hi, I'm Darcy,I'm an alcoholic, but you don't
have to say anything.
I didn't go to any of thosewere like really hardcore groups
.
There were some that wereweirder than others.
Um, but the whole thing whereyou can't be a sponsor until
(30:52):
you've been alcohol-free for ayear, having to write your
sobriety date down and notwanting to write my new sobriety
date down when I would have aum, when I would drink, I would
just, I just started.
It really started to like re um, dig in the um.
The shame for me.
(31:13):
And so and before this, youknow about a a little over a
year after my brother died, Iwent into.
I did go into rehab and it wasso.
I just wanted to go like I had aproblem with drinking.
Definitely, my husband was likeoh my God, I was in big trouble
, I did not care, I'd I'd comehome, I just drank until I
passed out.
I didn't want to feel like wasjust, I just did not care, my
(31:36):
poor doggy, taco the chichi, youknow you, just I'd get home, my
husband would be at work andI'd just be like, get outside,
go to the bathroom, you know,and instead of taking him for
his lovely walk and I enjoyed I,it was a great way I, I mostly
used rehab.
I didn't really think I could,um, stop drinking it's all I've
(31:57):
ever known is like drinking andusing it.
By by now I'm like pushing 50.
I just didn't care, um, whatwas it going to happen?
What?
What the consequences were?
What happened?
And I thought, and I wassneaking it and not doing a very
good job, and I was continuingto, to cement in these patterns
(32:18):
of sneaking, lying where I was,what I was doing, and it just
was just awful.
And so when I went into rehab, I, I, I did, I was like, oh, and
it was a way for me to get awayfrom work, because work what I,
I was having a really hard timeCause I was just so hung over
all the time and I'm starting toget resentful because I, it was
(32:43):
hard to, um, to move on, and soI didn't, I stayed in rehab,
for I went in in like Septemberof 2017.
And I stayed there till umearly December.
I didn't want to leave and itwasn't because I didn't want to
you know, be back home with myhusband.
(33:03):
I knew my you know my husband,and taco, my dog, missed me.
But I didn't have to back to, Ididn't want to have to go back
to work because it was the firsttime I had ever felt that I was
.
I didn't think I was worth everbefore, um taking a break from
work and using some sick leaveto maybe go get some help.
I did it all on my own time.
(33:25):
I didn't think I was worth, andthat was hard on me because
working full time and thentrying to go to treatment and so
I realized that I did not thinkI was worth.
The time it took the money thatI might spend or the basically
that's it the time I took themoney that I might spend, or the
uncomfortable conversation thatI might have with my husband
(33:47):
saying you know I am strugglingand I do want to go in and let
the chips fall where they may.
I really never felt I deservedany of that and until I finally
went in and then I just wantedto stay there and because there
was a lot of good, I went toHazelden in Oregon.
It was actually it's actuallylike it's far, but it's because
(34:07):
it takes like an hour and a halfto get there from my house.
But it's um, some people callit the dreaded Hazleton because
it's um a Betty Ford and there'sa lot of you know there was a
really good rehab but like RobinWilliams was there the last his
last rehab was there, was therethe last his last rehab was
(34:33):
there.
And so he, he has this reallygreat um, he did this really
great uh stand-up bit about howhe's because it's in the middle
of wine country and where I'm at, I mean, there's a big and he's
like so I'm, so I'm in rehab,uh, for coke in a in wine
country.
He does a really good stand onthat one.
So I stayed.
I did lots of self-help um, lotsof self-work, learned a lot,
(34:54):
loved it, but it didn't doanything to help stop me drink.
I started drinking immediatelyafterwards and then that it made
it even worse over time becauseI was sneaking, you know, and I
didn't have my family here, Ijust had my husband.
I isolated myself from mystepkids, my support system that
(35:16):
I did have, that you know.
And I didn't have my familyhere, I just had my husband.
I isolated myself from mystepkids.
My support system that I didhave, that you know knew that I
wanted to not drink, and justsome real guy.
Then it just got even worse thehiding, the manipulating, the
lying, the drinking, the beingsuspected, the trying, the
plotting, the planning, the allof it, the plotting, the
planning, the all of it.
And so I did have a woman who,um, is the wife of one of my
fellow postal workers that umletter carriers that I really
(35:37):
liked and um was trying to beproud of.
Yeah, I quit drinking and Istill felt a lot of shame over
even because this was in 2018and it was, you know, still
there.
I had never even heard of dryJanuary or dry July or sober
October I don't know how popularthose were then back then, but
it was.
(35:57):
I still felt a lot of like, Ifelt awkward.
But Barb, my friend, shestarted going to, she went to a
couple AA meetings with me andshe was supportive.
And then finally one day shelooked at me and she's like look
, I got a book for you.
Read this book and you're nevergoing to drink again.
And um, that did not happen.
(36:19):
This is 2018.
I wasn't able to get um threedays in sober until almost 2021.
But it was Annie anti-graces, um, this naked mind, where it
showed the science, the um, ofwhat really happens to you
biologically, neurologically,physiologically, all these
things when you drink.
That it's it's not your fault,but it is your responsibility,
(36:45):
and that I'm not.
I don't have to identify as analcoholic and it, it, it did
immediately.
Reading that book didimmediately change.
Um, my, I had a switch where Iknew I was going to make it, but
I did.
You know, I knew it.
I also knew it didn't happenright away, and I was.
(37:09):
I also knew it didn't happenright away and I was.
I was okay with it, not sort of, I mean, it was painful that it
that I could, it did.
I didn't have that switch.
She had the switch where shequit drinking right away, but I
realized it was because you knowher story was different.
Um, and you know she, shedefinitely um, there are some
people that are able to read abook like that and realize, oh,
my God, I'm being marketed toand I'm um, you know, alcohol
(37:33):
isn't helping me, it's hurtingme, and you know it's not true.
There is no alcoholic gene,there isn't these things, and
it's enough to um, but I didn't,I didn't.
I still think that part of likeyou know, that self-worth
feeling that I was worth it andI was just still so fucking sad,
(37:53):
you know.
I just miss my brother, I missedwhat happened.
You know he had five kids, Ihad three little boys, and so
there's just a lot of pain thatI wasn't ready to face.
And looking at it in adifferent way.
And you know, taking um, I, Ijoined the path and um I really
(38:17):
liked.
I learned about that.
You know, it is true, you cannotdo this alone.
I mean some people, maybethere's a rare person that can
do it alone but knowing thatyou're not alone, that that your
story, um, mine isn't the sameas everybody else's, but
somebody's going to reallyrelate to your story, you're not
alone, you're not the only one,you're not broken, um, and
(38:40):
learning that, holy shit, I'mempowered, I uh, I get to learn
who I am now and learning that Ican have fun and nobody gives a
shit if I'm drinking or notdrinking for the most part, and
when somebody does what Iremember doing before, when
somebody is like, uh, I had afriend in fact it was Barb, the
(39:02):
person I talk about who gave methe book.
It was her husband.
One time we were all at thisconvention he's like no, I don't
do shots, you know, I don't doshots.
I'll drink beer, but I don't doshots.
And we were all just pressuringhim, pressuring him, pressuring
him, pressuring him and finallyhe's like fine, you know you
guys are going to deal with therepercussions tomorrow and it
didn't go well for him.
Um, but I was one of thosepeople that would be like what
(39:24):
do you mean?
You're not drinking, you'reweird, you're not cool, you're
not sexy, you're not this,you're not that.
Um, just starting to learn thatthat's not true and to question
the thoughts in my head andthat, yeah, I was addicted to
alcohol.
And uh, just because I wasaddicted to alcohol, you know
you don't hear people saying,yeah, alcohol.
(39:46):
You know you don't hear peoplesaying, yeah, like, looking down
, this is my husband.
Like he used to smoke it waskind of what you did in the
military, but he doesn't smokeanymore and he didn't smoke for
very long.
You know, not that that matters, but you don't call him, we
(40:11):
don't call him, a cigaholic,yeah, yeah.
And so that's the.
The one of the boing biggest umaha is that.
And I also like knowing thatthe tobacco industry like that
they put this chemical intobacco to make it more
addictive, and the marketing.
And then like, oh, you know themarketing that they do to
mothers and especially,especially, to you know, when
you're not, you're not, you'renot blowing off your steam,
you're not, you're not going toget stress relief from you,
(40:32):
don't get hammered at your bookclub and your mommy juice and
anyways I.
It's just been a real gift tobe able to turn all of that
around and look at it in a waythat works for me.
And what works for me is I'mnot an alcoholic, neither are
you, and when somebody cause Iwas still when somebody says, um
(40:54):
, oh, you know, I see, I knowyou take your sobriety um
seriously, darcy, and I'd belike, for sometimes I would be
like I don't know, stop sayingI'm sobriety, I just don't drink
anymore.
Now, even now that that'schanged around, because it, uh,
I felt as I still, and I, but Ido still struggle sometimes with
(41:16):
shame, right, like um, I juststill catch myself feeling shame
.
That, and it is one of thestories I would tell myself
about why I couldn't take abreak from drinking and maybe
get some help.
Um, maybe go to that, you know,a week retreat where you know it
(41:37):
might cost a little bit ofmoney, but I'm going to go to a
retreat and I'm going tomeditate or I'm going to um hike
or I just didn't think I wasworth any of that, looking in to
look into any of that and um, alot of that, I'm sure, I'm sure
just deals with, with shame andthen and then now, then there's
(41:58):
, like you know, and the griefpart.
I guess I said when I end withmy 50s and I was like doing
grief, then then all of a sudden, when I start, all of a a
sudden, I'm like, well, I'm nowI'm grieving the loss of my
youth.
There's all kinds of grief, butyeah, but I've learned to have
a lot of fun, yeah, yeah, andhow much fun it is, um, um,
(42:20):
remembering things.
I'm not allowing my, mymemories to be stolen, uh, you
know, and not being resentfulall the time about everything
and anything you know it's just,and learning how to, how to
process my grief, even thoughthat's that that took.
It takes a lot of work, yeah,and I'm, and I can do it now,
(42:41):
and, and I can, and I don't haveto be sober in a certain in a
certain way either.
I can be, I can still be livingthree out of the seven deadly
sins at any point any time ofany day.
You know what are they.
You know sloth, greed,gladdening.
You know, there, I can, I can,I don't.
(43:03):
I don't have to do sobrietyperfect either.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't.
Even if I did have a drink, itwouldn't matter, because I don't
want to.
But I still sometimes will belike, oh, hmm, I'll have that,
what's missing?
And then I'll think, well,what's missing is well, really,
I am thirsty and I need somefriends.
(43:25):
I need some friendship rightnow.
I need this or that.
Speaker 1 (43:28):
Amazing and I need some friends.
I need some friendship rightnow.
I need this or that.
So, yeah, amazing, I'm going tohave to have you back on
because I mean that was reallyinspirational to hear all that,
and I'd love to dig deeper intosome of the things that you
spoke about and how you got towhere you are.
So, and I'm sure peoplelistening would love to as well.
But, yes, we're going to haveto wrap it up now, so where can
(43:52):
people find you?
Speaker 2 (43:53):
um, in the meantime, so I have a a little gig that I
um where I do I do group andindividual coaching.
Um, it's called um my my.
My website is at Darcy Nolan,at inside job with Darcy
Nolancom.
Speaker 1 (44:13):
Beautiful.
I'll put it in the show notesas well.
Speaker 2 (44:15):
So another good one that's even easier is coach
Darcy PDX at hotmailcom.
That's a good one too, but well, I'll tell you, just because I
was kind of a rube when I madethat first email address, it's
pretty long and yeah, and so Iwould love to hear from anyone
and I'll be back, oh you'll beback and, yeah, reach out to
(44:38):
Darcy if you want to.
Speaker 1 (44:40):
Yeah, get in touch.
That was incredible.
I thank you so much for sharing.
You know, I know that I can'teven imagine how hard it was
with your brother, and so thankyou for sharing and being so
open and vulnerable.
I'm sure it will make adifference to a lot of people,
but I will definitely be havingyou back and I look forward to
(45:00):
it.
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