How to Create Intentional Space for Presence and Connection with Rei Chou

When it comes to create intentional space for people to connect, listen, and reflect deeply, many people think it's the realm of facilitators alone. But this is far from being true.

This podcast clocks in at around 39 minutes. You can also listen to it on iTunes, stream on Spotify or grab the RSS feed in your player of choice. So head out for a walk and let Rei and I keep you company. Prefer to read the transcripts? Scroll down.

When I started hosting this way nearly ten years ago, not many people understood what that meant and how it worked. It is challenging to explain to others what it is if you don't have an experience of it yourself.  Luckily this is changing. Pioneering events, conferences, and companies are starting to bring this format as a better alternative to the old way of doing networking.

If you are someone who has gathered or has been gathered intentionally, you probably know that the are many benefits. Coming together with others this way, helps us understand ourselves better, recognize our shared humanity, and form deeper connections. And in turn, we may forge stronger relationships.

Not only anyone can learn how to create intentional space for presence and connection, but that's a skill that a modern leader needs to learn and master, especially in an age whereby connecting is needed more than ever.

This week on The Nourishing Workplace, I've invited Rei Chou to explain what it means to create intentional space, how to bring people into it, and how to do it over a feast of food.

Rei Chou, a pioneer in intentional space creation

Rei is a facilitator, healer, and the founder of The Feast, a global community of leaders, innovators, and change-makers and series of dinners creating abundance through authentic sharing and support, who has been featured as one of Fast Company's Most Creative People of 2012. 

Her mission is to create experiences that help people realize they’re part of something greater through convening people, experience design, and purpose-based innovation.

Rei Chou

What I love about this conversation is that Rei suggests a model of hosting as leadership that is cross-cultural. She also provides a model of thinking for redesigning how we currently gather and lead to create intentional space whether for work or play.

In particular, you'll enjoy this conversation on intentional space design if:

You are a facilitator, gathering designer, community builder or manager needing to refresh your skills

You host people and arrange gatherings for fun and want to do it professionally

You are planning to gather and engage people more deeply in your team, organization, community, and movement but need some ideas to get started 

Key Take-Aways

Her journey to build The Feast; from a 'conference of ideas' to international dinner series

Why community is important today and why it matters to Rei

The role of the host as a serving leader as a key idea for 21st-century management

How to create intangible and physical spaces for authentic and intentional connection and how to welcome people into that space

And much more

Show Notes

Here is a short list of articles and resources mentioned in this episode plus further resources:

Facilitation training programs via The Feast

Rei Chou is Fast Company's Most Creative People of 2012

Must-read books: The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker (WE Factory)
The Power of Community to Bring Change in the Workplace (WE Factory)

Connect with Rei & Learn more about The Feast

Visit Rei's website and The Feast website

Connect with Rei on LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter

Follow The Feast activities on Instagram and Twitter

Did you enjoy this episode on intentional space creation?

If you enjoy our conversation, check out more episodes of my podcast. You can subscribe on iTunes, stream on Google Podcasts or on Spotify or grab the RSS feed in your player of choice. To get new episodes directly in your inbox, sign up for my newsletter.

Episode's Transcripts

 Note: The Nourishing Workplace is produced for the ear and designed to be heard. If you are able, I strongly encourage you to listen to the audio, which includes emotion and emphasis that's not on the transcriptions.

But if you opt for transcriptions, what you read below is a lightly edited and adapted version of the audio. I generate transcripts using a combination of speech recognition software and human touch (myself). Please check the corresponding audio before quoting it in print.

Rei’s journey to create The Feast

Rei: I've always been super inspired by the fact that everybody has an amazing gift set of skills and talents. I've always been fascinated by what's possible when we can share those skills and gifts, even if it's just life experiences with each other.

The Feast is about creating a space where we can do that. Where we can share what it is that we have and hear what other people are hungry for. It's in both the giving and the receiving and the gratitude for both the ability to give and receive that abundance is possible.

Veronica: How did you get inspired to create something like The Feast?

At that time, I was living in New York, working in communications at a bunch of different startups in the city. I wanted to do something more meaningful that made the world a better place. I started bringing together a community of creative people from across photography, design, and business who were my peers. 

“What is it that we can do to make the world a better place by using the gifts and skills that we already have?” There were people, amazing photographers, who thought ‘how can I use this skill to make the world a better place instead of just doing some were traditional volunteer work?’

I started building a community through small events. Then I started The Feast as a conference. At first, it was not food-oriented at all. It was actually just a Feast of Ideas (Editor’s note: The Feast’s 2008 Conference) that invited people to share what their gifts were, what their perspectives were coming from their particular fields, and how those perspectives and innovative ways of thinking or working could be applied towards social change or something more meaningful. From there, it just evolved over time.

What can someone can expect when they join The Feast? 

The format has changed over time. We've had different ways of facilitating coming together. What people can expect now is that community is a big part of it. People who are there are thoughtful, relatively open-hearted, caring, giving, supportive, and to some extent reflective. People who are doing something or passionate about doing something meaningful. 

As far as the experience itself, it's been tricky to encapsulate what the essence of it is. We went through the process over the training call (Editor’s note: The Feast training call I did with Rei). I'm actually curious to hear how you would describe it. 

What people could expect is a space of pause, reflection, and the invitation to listen to other people, to listen more than they talk, which is something that is not often the case in social spaces. That spaciousness, real authenticity, and sincerity is something that they could expect and almost sometimes surprising to the person attending is even how reflective the conversation is and how much space for reflection it offers to them. 

It’s space to be contemplated, having a more intentional conversation, and expect to hear real honesty from people about both what it is that they have and that they love to share and what other people are going through, what people are wanting either from the state of the world or just very personally. Something that's really magical about The Feast is that it gets out of our own day-to-day and to where someone else is in their life. It gives a sense of perspective and pause to help us realize that we're all just human beings having a shared experience of both good and challenging things.

That creates intimacy and shared humanity because you are more similar than dissimilar than anyone else at the table. You have an equal ability to help someone else, no matter what their socioeconomic, relational, or work status is. One of the really special things about the format now is just this ability to connect on a much deeper, more intimate, more truly human level.

The importance of community In 2014, I joined The Feast in Helsinki, and I still recall it as one of the top 10 best dinners that I've ever attended. It was great because it gathered all the thinkers, creatives, and thought leaders who came together for a common goal, which is what makes The Feast different from any other dining formats. As you said, community is something that makes The Feast unique. Why does community matter to you? 

Community matters in general because we’re all craving more and more of it as we're becoming more able to connect virtually and be connected to more people digitally.

At the same time, there’s more of a desire for more authentic relationships and a deeper sense of connection and support than ever before. We're actually seeing them a big return of the importance of conversation about community and the power of community to not only support people feeling a sense of belonging, which is just an inherent human need but also creating change and creating a better world. 

There’s more of a desire for more authentic relationships and a deeper sense of connection and support than ever before.

That's why I feel like the community for The Feast, at least, is for people who are looking to make an impact in the world. That can be really challenging. You're flying in the face of how things have been done. You're trying to do something that has never been done before. You're not going with the status quo, you're in some way paving your own way, which can be very daunting and isolating.

Without a community that can leave you with a lot of questions about why you're making things harder for yourself or why you're trying something different. Especially for people who are trying to make something new or trying to make an impact, I feel that community is important. That community of support, trust, sharing, and presence is really necessary. 

The role of the host Let's talk about the role of the host: this person who brings people together. When I joined the training you offer to Feast facilitators that goes through the Feast process, what struck me was the focus on being present, on preparing ourselves to welcome other people into space. In a way, it felt like doing a guided meditation because you asked us to create space within ourselves to listen to each other, and it was magical!

This was a great reminder for me because as hosts we tend to focus all our energy on the guest and not much on how we create space within ourselves to welcome other people. Can you talk more about the role of the host?

Hosting is fascinating. We all know people who are the people who gather community. It's a beautiful role to play. Hosting is such an act of servant leadership. If you think about the times that you've been to a dinner or invited to anything where you had an amazing experience it’s because the host was very gracious. There's just so much listening that the host does too. How people are doing, what people are needing, whether it's the right time to bring out the food, whether people are hungry or want to talk more is what the host is after. 

Hosting is the art of listening to and caring for people. It's a real leadership gift, capacity, and skill that leaders can learn a lot from. It’s about making yourself in service to what is best for the group. In this training in particular (Editor’s note: The Feast training), when creating a more intentional space, the host has even more leadership per se, not just by listening to what others won’t, but also inviting people into a particular way of being together and more, again, intentional conversation.

There's a beautiful balance between caring for listening and being gracious, but also creating a strong––facilitators use this term “container” for people. By that, they what are the ways of being and engaging that will help everybody orient to where they are and how they should behave, answer, all of these things are things that the host can both put forward in a way that's very clear and understandable.

 “Leaders can learn a lot from hosting. It’s about making yourself in service to what is best for the group. ”

For example, when I do my dinners, I tend to share what's going to happen and how this is all going to work. Then I create these ground rules so everybody knows how to behave if you will. Everybody gets about three minutes to speak and to not interrupt people. And that helps everyone know how this is all going to work.

Then there's the modeling. People look to the host to know: Is this a light conversation? Is this solemn? Is this really serious? Is it open space? These are all things that just through our body language and our presence, people take cues from the host.

"There is a beautiful balance between caring for listening and being gracious but also creating a really strong ‘container’ for people.

Even with both of those things, even if you do have strong container and process for everyone and you are showing up in a certain way that helps people know how to be in this space, there's still even a final deeper listening to where people are at and how they're feeling.

An amazing host is always attuned to know if someone has shared something really deep and meaningful. Whether there need to be an extra 30 seconds of breath offered to that person to make them feel complete or whether someone's joke in the conversation offers the perfect lightheartedness and to allow that or whether that same joke in a different time in a different place creates a sense of disrespect and needs to be acknowledged and, again,  the space made appropriate for everyone.

I love how you're profiling the host as someone who is in service of the whole group, does a lot of active listening, tries to understand what's needed within the group as well as makes sure that everyone feels comfortable and safe enough to open up. What is the art of hosting for you? And how would you define it?

The art of hosting is all about presence, listening, caring, and making sure that people feel cared for and able to have the experience that you as a host want them to have.

Facilitating space for presence and connection An essential ingredient of creating intentional space is 'presence'. How do you achieve that when technology distracts us all the time? I'm referring in particular to all those dinners that I guess all of us have been to, in which people keep on pulling out their phones and the conversation doesn't really flow. Do you have any rules regarding using your phone during The Feast or any other tricks to change behaviors? 

That's a really good question. I think there's a couple of different things at play. This is why I think intentional space is so powerful. Purely by inviting people into a process, you're creating a different type of space in a different type of context. 

For example, if you just have a lunch or dinner, and it's just about a particular topic or whatever it might be, and it's not guided in any way and it's more just a general conversation, there's just a lot of context around that that is familiar, right? 

We've all been in other conversations and there's an expectation that, if it's left without any guidance, this is how any of these kinds of conversations go. 

People are going to chime in with their thoughts. They're going to try to share things that get social affirmation. They're going to share things that add onto a particular idea in a way that shows that I understand what you're saying and have you seen this or have you heard about this.

There's a way of conversation that without any rules, without any container, we default to. When we default to those types of conversations, I think then all of the other social interactions we also default to. So if this is a conversation where people are cross-talking and adding onto each other’s conversation, if I don't feel particularly interested in, then I might go to my phone. Be kind of ambiently listening for a place that I could jump in. 

The power of an intentional space is inviting everybody into a different way of being together, which automatically turns on curiosity about, ‘okay, how am I supposed to be in this space?’ That engages a lot more attention because you don't know how you're supposed to be. So you're kind of spending more tension on figuring that out.

And, it also creates a shared reason or why for being together. And if that ‘why’ is meaningful enough and if that ‘why’ is in service or support of someone else or the collective group, there's a lot more buy-in there.

If the ‘why’ is meaningful it often gives people something that we're all looking for a lot in the world, and ultimately for more than what our phones are for, which is that meaning or that sense of connection. And if it's in the service of other people and it's not just about me and my ideas or looking better than everyone else, if our intention is to be here and help each other, then I'm going to look really bad if I'm on my phone. 

“By bringing people into a process you’re creating a different type of space and a different type of context.”

It's the power of creating that intentional space together, giving a ‘why’ giving rules of engagement and giving prompts that help people share really authentically and deeply. 

We went through this exercise on the training. Whenever someone shares something really meaningful, there's something inherent in us as human beings that drops us into a space of care, authenticity, connection, and empathy. 

It's very hard to turn away from someone who is sharing a really hard time that they're going through. There's an almost immediate mirror neuron compassion that turns on that is very enrapturing. 

I don't know that I've ever had a dinner where anybody has pulled out their phone, which I know can be a very rare occasion. But until the group, space, and conversation (because I have everybody have one conversation in a round) only after that's over, do people pull out their phones.

Then usually it's for looking up something to share with someone else in support of them or something like that. If you have any sense of emotional awareness or empathy or care, you will find someone's emotional share more relevant and interesting and even fascinating because of the perspective that it gives to you I think than any digital media could offer.

We talked about creating community and hosting people. That sounds all very intangible. How do you translate that into the physical realm? Are there any specific props that you use or types of setting that you prefer? I'm a fan of unusual and somewhat intimate space that people wouldn't expect at all. How about you? Do you suggest booking a restaurant or create these kinds of experiences? Is a private space a better choice? 

That's a really interesting question. Some of it is conscious. Some of it is subconscious. I think we have associations with spaces that we might not even realize. 

I love to host dinners in people's homes in part because we have this association with the home that it is more comfortable. It is more space for personal sharing It evokes a sense of comfort and ease and relaxation. I also love spaces that are beautiful, and, to some extent, quiet and open because that also evokes something. 

That's a really interesting question. Some of it is conscious. Some of it is subconscious. I think we have associations with spaces that we might not even realize. 

I love to host dinners in people's homes in part because we have this association with the home that it is more comfortable. It is more space for personal sharing It evokes a sense of comfort and ease and relaxation. I also love spaces that are beautiful, and, to some extent, quiet and open because that also evokes something. 

“The power of intentional space is inviting everybody into a different way of being.”

Some people don't have a problem hosting at a restaurant with a long table of people. I always prefer a more quiet space, even not having any music because it just allows for silence, which we rarely have. Even when I do dinners at restaurants, which can be lovely too, I almost always have a private space just because it creates a different kind of atmosphere.

As far as the physicality, I also love family-style and potluck because of what that evokes.

The sense of sharing what we have and pride in something that you bring, whether that’s a family recipe or something like that. And this feeling of everything is in the middle and that we're able to partake in this group experience. I think even in the way that food is served rather than it being plated and displayed creates a different kind of feeling. 

This is probably different for every country and culture, which I'm starting to learn. Somebody the other day told me that they don't do potlucks in England. I'm sure that culturally the experience is different everywhere. 

But there's something about that communal farm table feeling that I really love. And then I love one big conversation. It's something that's been super nourishing to me right now. So one big round table or even just a long table about anywhere from eight to twelve people has felt just like having space for everyone to be heard in one conversation creates a very beautiful and special dynamic. 

Is there anything that you do in the process of welcoming people? How do you welcome them into that space?

I love initially introducing people to each other when they arrive because there is a sense of ‘I'm new and I don't know anybody here.’ To be able to have that initial introduction can help people feel like they have a connection point. Aside from that, just helping people feel again cared for and welcomed. 

Whether that is having a glass of water or helping get people anything that they need, helping them arrive and have that first person to meet is something that I just love. A conversation prompt is always really great too. Different people do different things with name tags and things like that.

I'll often invite people to talk about what's something that they have plenty of that they love to share and able to have a way to connect with each other that's not about work per se but about something that they love sharing.

How something like The Feast looks like in the workplace You have hosted a few Feasts in work settings. Have you noticed any difference between hosting a feast for private individuals vs hosting a feast for a company? Maybe the engagement and the individual interests were different?

The workplace that I hosted in was a very creative space and there were a lot of outside people who were invited. It was a slightly different context in that it wasn't all for employees per se, but for people from a wider community as well as some of the employees to attend. 

The enthusiasm to come and participate was pretty high in part because there was an interest in meeting other people. However, I think people would be more interested if it was outside at a restaurant or some different contexts. That’s in part because, especially related to a dinner, (I think it might be different for lunch), people are in that space all the time. There is a desire for something new or to just leave that space. This is an interesting thing that I haven't thought of before. As far as people's interactions, they went relatively deep and almost surprisingly so some people had just really deep conversations and wanted way more time to finish their conversations. 

Depth can be achieved in an office-type setting. It's then just really about the intention, and sometimes the food. Making something special can create such a big difference in how people engage. The difference of having pizza or ordering from the same sandwich place that you always order from versus having something catered and making a nice meal and creating that intention and bringing in elements that evoke a more intimate space, help to shift what a space is about from the traditional context of office, business, strategy, whatever it is to something that's more about being human and authentic together. Those elements do really matter. 

What's a nourishing workplace for you?

The first word that comes to mind is that people care, both about what it is that they're doing and each other. I'm a firm believer that it's not just about ends justifying means, but how you do or achieve something is as important as what it is that you're achieving. 

Feeling a sense of meaning, care, and connectedness in relation to the people that you work with is as important as the thing that you're actually working towards. That can be an amazing shared catalyst and generate energy and inspiration. The nourishment comes from all the achievement that comes from that. Being with people whom you care about and who care about you is important. 

I think about the times when I felt the people on the teams that I've worked with felt empowered, inspired, or that they’ve learned something that was really important to them. They'll carry on for the rest of their lives. Those moments were what made work or that workplace really nourishing.