Ever wondered how deeply ingrained patterns of pain can transform into a life of purpose? In this heartfelt episode Tori Hope Peterson—author, advocate, and a beacon of hope for vulnerable children. Tori takes us through her inspiring journey from navigating the foster care system to breaking generational cycles of trauma.
Drawing from her latest book, Breaking the Patterns that Break You, Tori shares powerful insights into recognizing and reshaping the narratives that hold us back. Through her personal experiences, she unveils the transformative power of self-love, forgiveness, faith, and community.
We delve into:
- Tori's childhood in the foster care system and how it shaped her perspective.
- Why healing is an intentional journey, not a product of "time heals."
- The complexities of insecure attachments and codependency—and how to break free.
- How changing our narratives can empower us and the next generation.
- The importance of creating safe spaces and serving others as part of healing.
Tori’s story is a testament to the courage it takes to rewrite a life story marked by pain. Her reflections offer wisdom, hope, and actionable steps for anyone seeking freedom from false scripts and generational patterns.
Join us for an inspiring conversation that will challenge you to embrace love—both for yourself and others—and rewrite the patterns that no longer serve you.
Links to Tori:
torihopepetersen.com
-Links-
https://www.svetkapopov.com/
https://www.instagram.com/svetka_popov/
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hey friends, welcome to the Ones who Dared podcast,
where stories of courage areelevated.
I'm your host, vekka, and everyother week you'll hear
interviews from inspiring people.
My hope is that you will leaveencouraged.
I'm so glad you're here.
Welcome to the Ones who Daredpodcast.
(00:26):
I'm your host, becca, and I amso excited to share this guest
with you guys.
Tori Hope Peterson, who is anincredible woman.
I first heard of her when Iread her very first book called
Fostered, and in this book sheshared about her experience of
growing up in the foster caresystem and what it was like for
her to be a biracial child whileexperiencing so much angst and
(00:49):
trauma through the broken systemof foster care, and also how
she came to faith.
And Tori is such aninspirational human being who
took her brokenness, took herexperiences of trauma and
everything that she's beenthrough, and she's using it to
(01:12):
be an advocate to bring hope topeople who need it.
She's a fierce advocate forfoster care, for adoption and
for vulnerable kids, because atone point she was one, and I
also love that.
Tori is just an ordinary girlwho's a wife, a mom who enjoys
community hospitality.
An ordinary girl who's a wife,a mom who enjoys community
hospitality, cooking for herkids.
She's an author and a speaker,and on this episode we're really
(01:33):
going to dig into her latestbook, called Breaking the
Patterns that Break you, and youguys are in for a treat because
there's so much wisdom that sheshares here.
She's wise beyond her years andI'm so excited for you guys to
dig in and listen to thisepisode.
Tori Hope Peterson welcome tothe Once we Dare podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Yeah, so I read your book Fostered quite a while ago
when it when the book came out,and I found that book to be so
eye opening and give so muchinsight into someone who may not
have been in the foster caresystem, who hasn't fostered
before.
I had friends who fostered kidsand they kind of gave me some
information about what it's like, but your story really gave an
(02:18):
inside look of what it's likeand how really broken the system
is, and so I was really reallyencouraged by your story and I'm
so glad that now I'm able tohave you on with your new book,
breaking the Patterns that Breakyou, healing from the Pain of
your Past and Finding Real Hopethat Lasts.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Thank you.
That means so much.
It's so encouraging to hear howthat first book impacted people
.
You know, when I wrote thatfirst book, my intention was
that it would be for youth maybeyoung adults like in the foster
care system, that it would.
I just wanted to write a bookfor, like younger Tori, the book
(02:56):
that I needed when I was infoster care.
And then, yeah, it just endedup being so much more than that.
It ended up being a resource topeople who have a heart for
vulnerable children orvulnerable children, and I'm
just so grateful for what Goddid with that.
It is more than what I intendedor could have even imagined.
So, thank you.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yeah, so just to give a little bit of background,
tori grew up in unpredictable,dysfunctional and abusive
environment and you movedthrough 12 different foster
homes before you turned 18.
And you went through a longhealing journey in between that
before becoming a sought-afterspeaker and an author of now
your second book.
And so you aim in your life toinspire other people to overcome
(03:39):
adversity and be able to be thelight and the hope.
And also you have a podcastcalled I Love you Already, which
is such a beautiful name, and Ilove that.
And I think, before we dive intoyour book, I would really like
for you to give us an insightinto your story, more of your
stories, so someone canunderstand why someone like what
(04:02):
would really inspire you towrite a book called Breaking the
Patterns that Break you?
Because it's not that.
You're a psychologist and inthe kind of the intro you're
like, you know what gives me theright to write this book.
I'm not a psychologist, I'm nota therapist, I'm not this, I'm
not that, but it really comesfrom your own painful past and
experience and really having todo the hard, intentional work of
(04:24):
working through that.
So, and really having to do thehard, intentional work of
working through that, so I'dlove if you could just give the
listener an insight into thatbackground.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Yeah, well, as you mentioned, I grew up in the
foster care system and beforethat I lived with my biological
mom.
She was a single mom and shereally struggled with her mental
health and she you know my mom,I really want to emphasize you
know, my mom's not a villain, mymom's not a bad person.
She did her absolute best withwhat she had.
(04:50):
She passed down to me what sheknew and, you know, when I look
at the story of our generationalpatterns, of our lineage, what
happened was, you know, somelike a lot of pain was passed
down to her.
You know, some, some like a lotof pain was passed down to her
and then she passed down a lotof pain to me, but it was less
pain than what was passed downto her.
(05:12):
And you know, I think we all,just we do the best that we can,
but these patterns in our lives, they are going to affect
generations if they do not stopthe bus.
And so, um, what I was seeingin my own life, um, was that I
was stopping these generationalpatterns, but the thought
(05:34):
patterns were there, werethought patterns in my mind that
were just like I hate myself,I'm not worthy, I'm not loved,
I'm worthless, like just theseterrible things that I would say
to myself and about myselfwould just spiral in my head
over and over again.
And obviously, every singlethought pattern that we have
(05:56):
affects our behavioral patterns,it affects our relational
patterns and it reflects thepatterns that we hand down to
our family.
And so we have to address thosethought patterns and we have to
recognize the way that theymake us behave and how they
affect the people around us, howthey can hurt the relationships
around us, how they can hurt us, because if we do not figure it
out, if we do not address it,then we're going to pass it down
(06:18):
.
And the thing about patterns isthat oftentimes they're really
subtle, they're quiet.
We don't recognize them,they're what we've always known
and so we just think we're likeliving in them.
And so the idea of this book isto bring forth those subtle,
quiet patterns that we oftendon't see or we don't recognize,
and help people see them inthemselves.
(06:41):
And even if the thought patternis like the one that I talk
about, it's specific to me.
You can often see like, oh, Ihave a variation of that and
recognize it and change it.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Yeah, and so you talk about the lies that you believe
, and one of the things that youtouched on where you started,
you kicked off your book is thelie that self-love is selfish,
and I'd love for you to kind ofdig into that, because I think
there is a misconception that.
And I think also, you know,there's always extremes, right,
you can get so self-focused thatyou disregard everybody else,
(07:18):
right, but I think in your bookthat's not really what you're
talking about, that sometimes,that loving ourselves and loving
that is beginning to ourhealing journey.
So I'd love for you to kind ofdig into that.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Yes, I wrote this as the first chapter because I just
really think it's foundational,and so all of those lies that I
just mentioned on the lastanswer that I gave, like those
were what permeated my brain.
And then I think all the otherlies were kind of built from
that foundation of just likeself-hatred and self-loathing.
(07:52):
And it was actually.
I was in the hospital and myfriend he told me you were
saying all these terrible thingsabout yourself.
I was like unconscious and hewas saying all these terrible
things about yourself and Ididn't even remember it, and so
(08:14):
what that made me aware of isthat there were these deep
rooted thoughts in me that hadto be affecting me in one way or
another.
And I think, especially asChristians, as believers, we are
told, we are told like to dieto ourselves, that we should
(08:36):
have more of God and less ofourselves.
And I think that to people whohave grown up in really
dysfunctional places, who havebeen spoken Like for me, I it
was spoken over me that I wasn'tworthy, that I wasn't loved,
like that was actually spokenover me.
And then it was proved, in asense, because I was moved from
(08:56):
foster home to foster home andnobody wanted me.
I moved throughout 12 fosterhomes throughout my entire
journey in the system, and sothen you know there was there's
nothing in it.
Didn't feel like there wasanything in my life that was
necessarily proving those, thosebeliefs, wrong.
And then to to hear, as aChristian, like, die to yourself
(09:18):
, more of God, less of you.
It just felt like everythingabout me is bad, so I can't see
anything about me as good, Ican't love anything about myself
, and what I discovered was thatthat just creates a lot of
insecurity.
And like, god has created us tobe confident in him and he has
(09:39):
created us to like walk in ourcallings, and to do that, we
have to love who God has createdus to be.
We have to love the gifts thathe's given us.
We have to love the callingthat he's given us.
We don't need to suppress itdown or push it down or become
smaller.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
So what I like to say is more of God and more of who
God has created me to be, and Ican love who God has created me
to be, and I can love who Godhas created me to be because God
did a good job making me, andthat is just like the script
that I would want to give anyonewho struggles with
self-loathing or self-hatredthat God did a good job making
(10:18):
you and you can walk in that Ilove that so much, like God, did
a good job making you, and Ithink that's such a beautiful
statement because, like you saidyou, you had words that were
spoken over you and then it wasreinforced by the patterns that
you were seeing in the behaviorsand the way that people treated
you, confirmed those abusivewords that were spoken over you
(10:39):
and um, and I love that you justwere able to overcome that.
The other thing that I, theother lie that we hear often and
this isn't just something thatyou believed is that time heals
all wounds, and in Chapter 5,you write Raptured relationships
(11:01):
in my life.
12 years has passed, yet mytriggers felt more tender than
ever before.
I have heard that time healedall wounds, but at the age of 24
, I was supposed to be in myprime health.
Time seems to have onlyintensified and magnified my
emotional wounds.
Through countless heartbreaksand letdowns, I have come to
(11:22):
terms with the reality that timedoes not heal.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Yeah, yeah, time doesn't heal what we do with our
time heals.
And I was actually sitting inthe so when me and my husband
got married.
We were just so poor, likeevery young person, every people
who gets married super young,and so we just took like free
(11:48):
everything, like free gymmembership for a month or like
free trial or free food or freefurniture off the side of the
road.
We're like we're taking it alland there's free lunch in, so
we're like free food, okay,we're going to go there.
I had no idea what it was about, but the speaker was actually
talking about trauma and I waskind of like, I'll be honest, I
(12:09):
went in and I had been.
I've been in therapy since Iwas 12 years old when I was in
the foster care system.
The judge had actually mandatedthat I'd be in therapy because
of everything that I'd wentthrough before entering the
system and my first family, andso I started therapy at a very
young age.
Very thankful for that, I dothink that it gave me kind of a
head start, that I got to startto learn how to process things
(12:30):
at a very young age, got tolearn how to journal and talk
things through at a young age.
Um, but when I was listening tothe speaker I kind of came in
and was like, yeah, probablyheard this before because I've
been in therapy all this time.
I studied psychology for myundergrad and I just was like,
(12:53):
okay, here we go, I'm a cure forthe food.
And then he started talking andhe said that those who grew up
in dysfunctional families or hadparents that were abusive or
dysfunctional were two timesmore likely to enter into
relationships that reflectedtheir caregiver.
And it just blew my mindbecause it was like, and I would
(13:20):
say it was like, oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, at first it was like, ofcourse, but then he said we do
this because it's where ourbrains are comfortable, even
though we know that we don'twant the dysfunction, we find
comfort in the familiar.
And I was like, oh, like, itwas just this realization.
Okay, I get it.
And I think usually we hearthis um, we know that people
(13:43):
enter, do this with romanticrelationships, but he actually
kept it very broadly like justrelationships in general, and I
think that that's what helped merealize what was happening,
because when I was in college, Iwent to go, I went, I ran track
in college and my first year ofcollege I had a track coach who
(14:03):
he was actually fired for quote, unquote athlete abuse and
misconduct.
And it's wild because thatentire year I was his victim and
I just had no idea.
It was actually other otherteammates that had reported him
and that had started theinvestigation and that had
(14:27):
started the investigation.
But I wasn't made aware what Iwas really going through until
he was fired and the case wasclosed and I had time to process
it with other people.
And then later there was thismother figure in my life and I
really wanted her to love me andI really wanted her to accept
me and I was just willing to dolike anything to have her
attention and our but, but.
(14:47):
Our relationship was sodysfunctional, like we were just
not kind to each other and itwould just spiral into these big
blow-ups and then we would likego, no contact, we wouldn't
talk to each other, and then wewould come back into
relationship and try again and Irealized in that talk that the
(15:08):
guy was giving on trauma wasthat that relationship reflected
so much of my relationship withmy mom and much of my
relationship did.
But I just hadn't realized thatthat's what I was moving
towards because that's where mybrain was comfortable.
I didn't realize that was apattern in my life of entering
(15:29):
into these kinds ofrelationships until until really
, he just made it so clear and Iwould say that was the moment
where I wanted to start lookingat every other pattern in my
life.
The moment where I wanted tostart looking at every other
pattern in my life.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Yeah, I've heard it once said before that we would
prefer like and this is talkingabout our brains to a familiar
hell versus to an unfamiliarheaven.
So it's that, and I thinkthat's why people who leave
abusive relationships end upright back with a similar
abusive type of behavior, isbecause, even though it seems
(16:09):
like, why would you not wantsomeone who's kind and treat you
well and and all that, all ofthose things but at the same
time, it's like, well, this iswhat I'm used to and I don't
know how to function outside ofthis environment.
So that's it's interesting, butit also gives us insight into
the work that we have to do.
So what have you found when youdiscover those triggers?
(16:31):
What have you found that workedto kind of break some of those
patterns for you Because I knowthat's a loaded question, yeah,
Well, it's changing thosenarratives and changing those
scripts, right?
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So one of the scripts or ideas that I have that kept
me in these dysfunctionalrelationships is that if I left
people, it would be unloving.
Because in my childhood therewere so many people that left me
behind, right, like there wereso many, like I had literally
experienced abandonment over andover and over again, and so to
(17:04):
leave people so unloving and itfelt ungodly.
I didn't ever see leaving aslike a healthy thing.
And then what I realized isthat, like we are limited beings
, we cannot have everyone in ourlife, right, um, to be like and
(17:27):
some people are really, reallyhurtful, and like god does not
want us to be abused, like, forthe sake of quote-unquote, dying
to self.
Like god does not want us to bein dysfunctional relationships
that bring us farther away fromhim, for the sake of
quote-unquote love, um.
And so, really, it was changingthe script.
(17:48):
So, like I used to believe,like leaving is not loving, and
now I know that like leaving isactually sometimes the most
loving option, and, um, I think,getting there, I also had to
recognize my codependenttendencies and so, um, this is
like another.
We're going to go back topsychology, and in the book I
(18:08):
did say that I am not apsychologist.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
I did study psychology in my undergrad and I
do also learned all of thisthrough having to deal with your
stuff.
And I think sometimes, um, likeI was talking to a friend just
this week and she was, you know,coming to a wall and I was able
to help her reframe some things, and she's like, how do you
know this?
I'm like, because I've been intherapy myself, like this isn't
(18:31):
me being an expert, this is mespeaking from experience, you
know.
So I think sometimes that iswhat gives you kind of that,
that knowledge, and the expertis having your own experience,
without necessarily having thetitle.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
So yeah, yeah, yeah, and my husband and I were foster
parents, so we learned aboutthis specific thing in our
foster care training, because wetalk about a lot in the foster
care space and that isattachment styles.
So there are four differentattachment styles and I won't go
into all of them, but the onethat I recognize that I have
that I struggle with is insecureattachment, and that's where
you tend to you like latch on topeople and you want to do
(19:09):
anything to make them love andaccept you, because you're so
like terrified of abandonmentand then, usually because you
have, I had such highexpectations of people.
I demanded so much out of ourrelationship or expected so much
out of our relationship, thateventually it would implode
because, like people are notunlimited but I would treat them
(19:32):
like they were and I wouldtreat myself like I was too,
like I would enter into therelationship Like I can give
anything if it results in mebeing accepted and loved, and
that's not a healthy but that isa relationship that is going to
end up in just like a bomb.
So I recognize that I havethese.
So insecure attachment looks alot like codependent tendencies
(19:56):
and when people have like mykind of background, people tend
to assume that, oh, they have anavoidant attachment style,
which is they just can't attachat all, they don't want to,
they're afraid of vulnerability,they're afraid of genuine
connection with people andpeople don't recognize that
there's actually other unhealthyforms of attachment, and so
(20:19):
mine was insecure attachment,which very much looks like
codependency.
And so when I recognized mycodependent tendency, use in so
many relationships and romanticrelationships and my friendship
and my coach relationships andmy with my authority figures,
that was, um, that was you know.
And there has to come a pointwhen you recognize, okay, there
(20:44):
is a consistent thing happening.
I'm the common denominator.
And, yes, there are people inmy life, like there are people
in my life that were like,abusive, dysfunctional, they
were hurtful, but I also, like,I ran after them, I continued to
reach out to them, I pulledthem into my life.
And so there has to come apoint where we take
responsibility and I want toemphasize wholeheartedly that,
(21:07):
like, when someone is abusivetowards us or hurtful towards us
, they're absolutely responsiblefor those actions, but we are
responsible for our healing,moving forward and we're
responsible for anydysfunctional pattern of
continuing to enter into thatrelationship over and over again
.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Yeah, that's so good Because you can stay stuck as a
victim and say well, all thesethings happen to me and you
don't understand my story, youdon't understand what I've been
through, but at the end of theday, it's like you could have
all gone through hell and back,and yet you can choose a
different story.
Which leads me into the otherlie that you write about in the
(21:44):
book is that you can't changeyour story, and I think that's
such a beautiful and such animportant point, because there
are so many people right nowthat are really just stuck and
they feel like my life is sohard.
I've been through so much and Ijust don't know how to navigate
(22:04):
from here.
I don't believe that mynarrative can be different.
I don't believe that my lifecan be different.
So what would you say tosomeone who believes that lie?
Speaker 2 (22:14):
And so there was this Christmas that my husband and I
it was a few years ago, maybefour years ago now my husband
and I were dividing up presents.
We had a lot of family membersto divide up presents for and we
get some presents for peoplelike we're really close to, and
so I mentioned that motherfigure that I just wanted to
like, love and accept me, and soshe was a part of who we were
(22:36):
organizing presents for.
She was a part of who we wereorganizing presents for, and
probably the nicest gift in thisentire all the stuff that we
were giving was a leather bagand I put it in her name is
Kimberly.
We put it in Kimberly's pileand my husband was like you have
all the nice things in her pileand you don't really have very
(22:59):
many nice things for your family.
I was kind of offended.
I was like I have nice thingsfor my family, right.
And then I like looked and waslike oh yeah, all the nicest
things are going Kimberly and myhusband was like we're going to
give this back to your.
I have a mother figure.
Her name is Tanya.
She stood in at my as my mom atmy wedding.
(23:22):
She had been a part of my life.
Since I was in seventh gradeshe had been my mentor, walked
with me through so many thingsthat I could call her.
I could literally call herright now and she would answer
and she would love to talk toyou, like, and she would talk to
me for as long as I wanted totalk to her.
I can call her at two in themorning and she will answer my
phone call, like she's.
(23:46):
She's always there for me.
But I was so focused on thisrelationship with this other
mother figure, kimberly, that Ikind of lost, kind of lost that
relationship with Tanya and Iwas functioning from, I think.
I think what fueled this entirelike, dysfunction of like
ignoring those who genuinelyloved me and wanted a
relationship with me and chasingthose who really couldn't offer
(24:08):
me love in the way that Ineeded it.
I think the narrative thatfueled that was this false story
that I didn't have a family, Ididn't have anybody that loved
me.
And see, when we're functioningfrom your lies, it affects
everything.
It affects, like, when youactually do have people in your
life, what happens if you end uppushing them away because
(24:28):
you're functioning from a falsenarrative, from a lie, and so
you know, I absolutely recognizethat there are some people who,
like they're laying on theirbed right now and they are
genuinely alone, like they donot know who they can call.
But there are a lot of us, alot of us, who do have people
and have not fully um acceptedand loved them, because we're so
(24:52):
focused on those who don'tfully love and accept us and we
are running and chasing afterthose who are denying us.
And if we just turned around,we would see that there are
people with open arms waitingfor, waiting to give us a hug.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Yeah, that's so good and that is.
And so what are also some otherways that we can change that
narrative or dispute that lie,that we can't, that our story
stays the same, that we can'tchange who we are Like?
What are some things that you'vedone to change the narrative of
your story?
Because you have come so farfrom where you started into
(25:36):
where you are now and you'regiving voice and hope to people
who are once in your shoes, andI love that and I think that's
so beautiful.
And I just want to say I'm soproud of you for working really
hard on your healing, becausehealed people help heal people,
and when we don't work on ourwounds and our hurts, we end up
hurting other people, whetherintentionally or unintentionally
(25:58):
, and so I think that should besuch a motivator for us to say
you know, my healing is not onlyfor me, but it's also for the
generations after me, it's alsofor the people around me that
when I'm healed and I believethat we will never be fully like
, perfect and whole and healedand you also confirm that in
your book too.
(26:19):
So I know that you hold that tothat same value but at the same
time, it is our responsibilityto really work on ourselves and
to do our best to work throughthis pattern so that we can be a
place of hope and healing forother people as well.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah, I think one of the most powerful ways that I
have been able to see my ownstory and heal from it is one
serving people who have storieslike the foster care system
former foster youth, and then myhusband and I also have a teen
(27:02):
foster daughter, and throughoutthis process of serving young
women who really have wentthrough such similar you know, I
think it's only like two orthree percent of people have
experienced time in the fostercare system, and so truly what
we have been through is reallyunique and it is sometimes hard
to understand Like it's hard forme to understand what I've been
(27:26):
through and the actions thatI've taken and so what serving
people like me has done is it'sgiven me I say it's given me a
window.
So what I get to do is I get tolook into someone else's life
and I can relate to them, but atthe same time, windows don't
just allow you to look in, theyalso give you a reflection.
(27:48):
And so serving you know a teengirl in the foster care system
who has a very similar story tomine.
What that's done is it's caresystem, who has a very similar
story to mine.
What that's done is it'shelping and you know she has
reactions and triggers andtrauma that looks so much like
mine is.
It's giving me a reflection,quite honestly, of the ways that
I've hurt my adoptive parents.
(28:09):
It's given me a reflection ofthe ways that I've hurt with
people in general and it's givenme an avenue when you see those
things exposed and for whatthey are, and when you're
experiencing them yourself.
On the completely other end ofit, you really want to heal so
that you don't hurt peopleanymore.
So one of the greatest giftsthat I always tell foster
(28:33):
parents and caregivers who areserving kids in the foster care
system, or just vulnerablechildren in general, is if you
can give youth the opportunityto serve people that look like
them and in their background, itis one of the greatest gifts
that you can give us.
And I think the second thing isjust community.
(28:53):
You know, and again it goesback to seeing, seeing things
for what they truly are, becauseagain these patterns are subtle
, they're quiet, the way thatour trauma manifests in us.
It's what we're always used to.
It's hard to identify up intothe truth of who you are and
(29:16):
call you up and point out thelittle corpse that maybe are
hurting the people around youand are hurting yourself.
I think it can be like it's agame.
It's a game changer to bearound people who are willing to
support you through feedbackand continue to love you when
(29:38):
you make mistakes or when youhave shortcomings.
And, of course, to do that, youalso have to be a person who is
able to receive feedback.
Right.
You have to be a person who'sable to receive criticism.
I think one of the greatestgifts of running track and of
being an athlete was that I andI don't mean this like on a brag
, a brag on myself but beingcoachable has always been a
characteristic of that.
(29:59):
I and I don't mean this like ona brag, a brag on myself but
being coachable has always beena characteristic of that I've
just had.
It's something that's comeeasily and I think it's because
of my track career and myathletic career.
If you want to be good, youhave to be coachable, and that's
just not an athletic.
That's in every part of yourlife.
If you want to be healed, youhave to be coachable.
If you want to be kinder, youhave to be coachable.
Like, if you want to beanything a version better of
(30:21):
yourself in any way then youhave to be able to receive
criticism and see that whenpeople give it to you.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
That's beautiful, yeah, and that's so true.
We're not able to receive,we're not able to change and
evolve as well.
And so what I hear you say inthat, in just this previous
thing, is that sometimes what ittakes is a guide, and you
probably know the anatomy of astory, which you know.
You have the hero, who's thecharacter of the story, you
usually have a villain, thevictim, and then you have the
(30:50):
guide, and so sometimes I thinkin our story we can have the
narrative that you know we'restuck, and so on and so forth.
And we like in your case, when,when, um, your foster mom,
tanya, came along and she wasable to be the guide, right, she
was one of your guides.
And sometimes we have manyguides in our lives, like frodo
(31:11):
had sam who guided him intovictory, right, um, and so when
we have those guides who call usout into and they're able to
see the good, the gems in us,that maybe things that we don't
yet see in ourselves, andthey're able to encourage us and
kind of help us to grow in that.
So, on the flip side of theperson you know who's not the
(31:34):
victim, or that stuck, how wouldyou encourage someone that can
be a guide for kids who are inthe foster care system or kids
who may, you know, feelmarginalized, people who just
may feel stuck.
So how would you guide theguide into encouraging?
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Yeah, thanks for asking that question, because
this book is not just for peoplewho are feeling stuck, but this
book is actually a resource forpeople who serve those who are
stuck, and it really does havethe same heart as foster to do
both, because I know that thereare so many.
Much of my audience are peoplewho are caring for those and
(32:15):
loving those who haveexperienced a lot of trauma, and
so that was the heart behindthis book, and so what I would
say to those who are trying toserve and give opportunity and
empower and uplift those who arestuck is give them
opportunities.
You know, what my track coachdid was he gave me opportunities
(32:36):
to be the best athlete that Ican be.
My church when I was like 17,.
They gave me my first everspeaking engagement.
Like they saw something in mefrom a very young age that I
didn't see in myself.
But now this is my full timework, you know, and so there was
a nonprofit in my town when Iwas young.
They gave me a lot ofopportunities to do advocacy and
(32:58):
all of those things right.
They are now a part of who I amand what I do, and I am a coach,
I am a public speaker, I doadvocacy work for children in
foster care, and so I think ifyou can give young people
opportunities to show them whothey are created to be and what
(33:19):
they're good at Like, it givesthem confidence and it gives
them vision for the future.
Because I think oftentimes youknow, when you grow up in a
really dysfunctional home youknow what you don't want.
You know I don't want that formy future, I don't want that for
my family, but it's really hardto have a vision for what you
do want or to know how to getthere, because you never had it
(33:40):
modeled to you or you never hadthe opportunity to obtain it.
And so if you can give them asmany opportunities you know as
possible to show them whatthey're capable of and their
potential, it gives themconfidence and it gives them a
roadmap to walk into their trueidentity.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Yeah, that's good, and even I think that applies to
even when you're notnecessarily ready, when you
haven't, you know it's justgiving you that opportunity
because not waiting until you'rein a better place to
essentially say so, when theygave you that opportunity, you
didn't finish walking throughyour healing process, you were
still in the mess.
Yes, that's one of the lies,yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
So I don't know if we've done this already, but
there's 14 lies throughout thebook and that is actually one of
the lies and it's one of myfavorite chapters because when I
was 17, I was like I had justcome to give my life to Jesus,
like I had just started livingas a Christian.
And then I, my, my pastors,gave me an opportunity to speak
(34:44):
and I think some people wouldthink, wow, that was really
irresponsible, like youshouldn't have done that.
And then even into you know, Istarted this work at a pretty
young age.
I've been in it in somecapacity since I was 18.
And so I've heard a lot ofpushback.
I've heard you're not ready,you're not mature enough.
Over and over and over again.
(35:09):
And when I was 17, like I said,I did a.
It was an awareness event formy church, for foster care and
adoption, and throughout, youknow, the next four or five
years, six years, I would hearas I continued in my work, I
would hear you know, you're notready, you're too young, all of
these things, all the naysayers.
When I was 22, I received amessage on social media and it
said we heard you talk at whenyou were 17,.
We heard you talk at this eventand I just want you to know
(35:33):
that me and my husband, we gotin the car and we decided that
day after we we heard your storythat we are going to get
involved in foster care, andtoday we are adopting a sibling
group of three.
And so, yeah, sometimes like Ilook back and I don't think that
people are wrong.
I wasn't ready, but I don'tthink those people are wrong.
I wasn't healed.
I haven't always been the mostmature as I have walked on this
(35:55):
journey, but God's people areready and God is able to, you
know, fill in those gaps when wehave inadequacies, and it
literally says in scripture thatin our weakness, god will be
made strong, that his strengthwill prevail through us.
And so I think that that isdefinitely another thing that we
need to be very watchful whenwe are encouraging kids who come
(36:19):
from hard places, young peoplewho come from hard places,
because most of my peers whohave went through what I have
went through like and this isn'tme making things up or bragging
about myself, this is just astatistic they are struggling
with addiction, drugs, alcohol.
Their children are enteringinto the foster care system.
They are not pursuing aneducation and they do not have
(36:41):
stable work and so like.
If someone's alternative islike sharing their story when
they're not ready, I thinkthat's a pretty good alternative
.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Yeah, it is, and it also allows you to, in a sense,
when you give them thatopportunity, it's saying like I
trust you.
In a sense, when you give themthat opportunity, it's saying
like I trust you and it givesthem that chance to um, show
that they're capable ofsomething to prove their trust,
and so it's like you're puttingthat trust in their hands and
they can you know, they can dowell or they can break it, but
(37:12):
but they have that opportunityto prove themselves, which is
such a beautiful gift, um, oneof the last lies that I wanted
to touch on before we close isthat you need closure, and this
is a huge one, I feel like,because when we're hurt by
people who are, you know, hurtpeople, hurt people and there is
(37:32):
no closure maybe they haven'tapologized, maybe they haven't
made things right we can getstuck.
So I'd love for you to unpackthat At the Once For A Day
podcast.
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(37:54):
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Speaker 2 (38:17):
Go to MidwestFoodBankorg slash
Pennsylvania forward in our ownhealing journey.
(38:40):
We need an apology, we needsome kind of closure, we need to
have a resolution, aconversation with someone that
would result in resolution.
And the reality is that we canlike.
Our healing is not likeaffected by other people's
feelings.
Our healing is affected by ourability and our willingness to
move forward, and so I thinkthat sometimes it's so easy to
(39:02):
get stuck because we're waitingon the people who hurt us or
we're waiting on the person whodid the thing that affected us,
but the reality is we could bewaiting on that for the rest of
our lives and and then we couldbe, and then where does that
(39:27):
leave us?
That leaves us in the sameplace that they are stuck.
So we, we have to decide I canheal without anything from
anybody else.
Um, in my foster care journey, Ihad foster parents who, uh,
they never abused me, but theyabused their adoptive children
and it was the way that theyabused them was just terrible
(39:49):
and strange and sad, and Ireported that abuse and I was
deemed a liar and I moved homeand for the rest of you know,
kind of like the rest of myyears, you're just.
I was just plagued with thisthought that I was a liar and I
(40:11):
wanted justice for the boy whowas brutally abused and I didn't
know how to get it and it justcreated so much turmoil and hurt
in me and I realized to nothave that turmoil and hurt and
pain, I had to decide that I wasgoing to forgive them, because
(40:31):
when we don't forgive, it'struly like we're in a prison,
right.
We're just going through thisturmoil and pain and we're angry
and we're bitter and we seethat person out in public.
And when we see that person, wescroll through our social media
and they pop up and we see themand you know our face gets
flushed and we just have rageand we're in a prison of like
anger and bitterness.
(40:52):
But when we forgive, what itdoes is it's like a key on the
inside and we get to unlockourselves and walk out and say
I'm going to forgive you and I'mgoing to say I'll forgive them
so they do not know what theyare doing and I'm going to see
you with love, even if you havevery little love.
(41:15):
And and what that does is itsoftens our hearts and it helps
us see ourselves for who we are,helps us see others for who
they truly are, and that's human.
And then so I forgave, forgave.
My foster parents moved out oftown, so I didn't see them often
(41:35):
or anything, and not as manyfeelings came up when I wasn't
seeing them around or seeingcars that were similar to theirs
, and I was out and about.
And then the foster dad actuallyhe messaged me on social media
and I was just like shocked.
I was so taken back, yeah, andand I respond to him and I said
I don't know if you want to talkto me like I actually wrote a
(41:57):
book about my wife and youweren't that great of a
character in it, just so youknow.
Um, yeah, and he was like, yeah, it's okay, I deserve that.
And he was like I'm I'm sosorry and so and, and we had, we
could have a conversation andthere was kindness there and I
(42:18):
gave him a copy of my book.
And you know, there was at onepoint in my life where I think
that I think I would have hopedthat what I would have presented
to him would have been like mysuccess and my accolade, but
what I was able to present tohim was kindness and love and
(42:39):
openness to who he was and wherehe was in that moment.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
And that was possible because I forgave him first
powerful tool because, like yousaid it, it takes us out of the
prison because when we hold onforgiveness, we are in our own
prison and that frees us andthen we're able to be to offer
(43:05):
love and offer that, extend thatvulnerability and be able to,
like you had with with him.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
That's so beautiful and I'm sure he was really
touched by that yeah, I think,and there's also like if I would
have needed closure before hewas ready.
The thing is, when we needclosure before the other person
is ready and maybe we're tryingto get it from them or trying to
meet with them and to have thatconversation of resolution more
(43:41):
confused, more hurt, or weactually enter back into that
dysfunctional, abusiverelationship, and so that's why
we just really have to guardagainst seeking closure, and I'm
all about having hardconversations.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
Like.
Speaker 2 (43:51):
I.
This isn't like seeking closurefor the sake of healing and
having a hard conversation forthe sake of healing are two
different things.
We just really can't dependupon other people for our
healing.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
Yeah, because I think when you force that closure and
you're trying to talk tosomeone who's not ready, it's
like you're asking somethingfrom someone that they can't
give you because they're not ata place of where you are at to
give you that, and then thatwould leave you disappointed,
angry and, like you said, youcould loop right back you that,
and then that would leave youdisappointed, angry and, like
you said, you could loop rightback into that toxic cycle in
that relationship.
(44:24):
Yeah, exactly.
Well, tori, I think your storyis so inspiring and I hope
everybody picks up a copy ofyour book because it's such an
encouraging message to the world, to people, about how to break
our cycles.
And I usually end my podcastwith a few questions.
One of them is what is thebravest thing that Tori has ever
done?
Speaker 2 (44:45):
Oh, oh, oh, wow.
The bravest thing I've everdone.
That is such a big question.
There's so many things goingthrough my head and I'm like I
think the bravest thing I'veever done is being a mom when I
(45:10):
had no example.
I think the bravest thing I'veever done is trying to pave a
way for the vulnerable childrencoming after me, and I think
it's letting people in again andagain and again, despite being
a hurt person.
Those are the ones that popinto my head right away.
(45:33):
Yeah, it's beautiful because wealso, I did go skydiving once as
well there you go, but you knowwhat?
Speaker 1 (45:44):
but I think opening your heart once again after you
being hurt is so.
It is such a brave andhonorable thing because you are.
When we're honorable, we'reopening ourselves to be hurt
again.
Right, because you can't lovepeople without the possibility
of them hurting you, and that'sso beautiful.
I'm so proud of you for that.
(46:04):
The other thing is, is what'sthe?
What is the best advice thatsomeone gave you?
Speaker 2 (46:11):
Oh, I have such great mentors in my life.
What just immediately came tome which I'm, let me just say
this, because I have so manyamazing mentors in my life.
I've been given such amazingadvice, but the one that just
immediately came into my mind ishumility is simply agreeing
with who God says you areNothing more and nothing less.
(46:31):
And so I think oftentimes,especially as women and as
believers, we think thathumility is self-hatred.
We think that humility ismaking less of ourselves and
becoming smaller.
But humility is just walking inthe gifts that God has given us
and not boasting about them andtrying to make them more of
what they are, but alsodefinitely not making them less
(46:53):
of what they are either.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
That's so good.
Yeah, Instead of minimizinglike, well you know, let me like
have false, humble kind ofapproach, but just being
confident in who you are andwalking in that, that's so
beautiful.
Speaker 2 (47:07):
Yeah, it's so simple, Like when someone says you did
good at this, like say thank you, you know, don't say, oh my God
, no, it's so bad, Right, or tryto be like well actually, you
know, I really wanted it to belike this and it's like no, just
yeah, yeah, I received that,thank you.
Speaker 1 (47:21):
That's beautiful, like two to three pivotal books
that were transformative in yourlife, okay, unclean.
Speaker 2 (47:29):
By richard beck.
Blew my mind um the furiouslonging of god.
By brennan manning and in jesusname, by henry nowen wow, those
sound like all really goodtitles really good they're all
um very much for people who arein leadership and for people who
(47:50):
are um.
They're for anybody.
I'll just say they're foranybody, but also, yeah, they're
just for anybody.
They're great, read it.
I don't want to live.
I'm like no way, I don't wantto live at them because I want
everybody yeah, and how werethey?
Speaker 1 (48:05):
um, like, what were some, some of the kind of shifts
that you had?
Speaker 2 (48:11):
okay, so the book in jesus name by henry allen there
is the story that.
So henry allen, he does thework.
He's passed now, but he um didthe work that I get to do.
He was a traveling christiancommunicator, he wrote books and
he was very, very successful inwhat he did.
And he said at one point hewent to go live in a home that
(48:38):
served adults with special needsand he walked in there and like
nobody knew his accoladesNobody, like adults with special
needs, don't know who he is.
They don't care about like whathe's written book or books, or
if he's a great speaker.
What they care about is if hecares about them, and that story
has just been something that'salways stuck with me.
(48:59):
Like if I walk into a placewhere nobody knew who I was,
nobody knew what I did, wouldthey be drawn towards me because
I could care for them and lovethem.
Um, and then a serious longingof God.
It's written by Brennan Manning, who um talks in in all of his
(49:21):
books.
Really he addresses God as ourfather.
So I think that that reallyjust changed my perspective of
God and helped me see him as myfather who loves me and cares
for me and wants to hold me andto touch me.
I grew up without a father andso I think that kind of
(49:42):
perspective of God has been veryhealing in my relationship with
him and helped me see myself asa daughter who's worthy of a
father who's worthy of love.
And then the book unclean.
Is this book?
It's actually by going back topsychology, it is a book by a he
is a christian psychologist andhe's a theologian and professor
(50:04):
and he talks.
There's a lot of psychologytheory in the book.
Really that's like intertwinedwith theology and he addresses
the church and talks to themabout why we are not radically
hospitable, like why we keep outthe poor and the vulnerable.
And it's just.
It's a book that when you readit you're going to really
(50:25):
consider how you can betterwelcome people in and expand the
boundaries that you have.
Speaker 1 (50:35):
Yes, and I think, having a conversation with you,
I feel like I can't end thispodcast without giving you an
opportunity to speak inhospitality, just for like a
couple seconds at least, leastbecause you have such a big
heart for hospitality and I wasraised in in a place where that
was such a big part too, and Ithink that what would you say to
(50:55):
someone who perhaps is likewrestling with how do you start
and like why do you feelhospitality is so important?
Speaker 2 (51:04):
my hope and my prayer is that my next book is about
hospitality.
I can talk all about thesethings.
Yes, hospitality is somethingI'm so passionate about and
that's because of Tanya andScott and the people that led me
into their home.
You know, I think a lot ofChristians were like let's
invite people to church, whichis cool, invite people to church
, but then don't peace out onSundays.
(51:24):
There's this verse in 1Thessalonians but then don't
peace out on Sunday.
Uh, there's this verse in firstThessalonians and it says um,
we did not.
We loved you so much that we didnot just tell you about the
gospel of God, but we invitedyou into our lives as well and,
like you know, love ishospitality, love is welcoming
people in.
Love is opening doors for peopleand creating safe spaces for
(51:45):
them.
Um, for me, like I came toChrist not just by being invited
to church, but by being invitedinto people's lives and homes,
my life was radically changed bypeople's ordinary love in their
homes, and so I thinkoftentimes people look at me,
especially when I go to, likeyouth events and I'll speak to
(52:06):
youth and I'll encourage youth,and they're like I want to be a
speaker like you, I want to bean author like you, and I'm like
I actually wish I could showpeople more of my ordinary life,
like I wish sometimes that wasthe more public thing, because
it's like this is something wecan actually all do, and I
actually think it's morepowerful is inviting people into
our home and it's moreaccessible.
(52:27):
It's more accessible, it's morepowerful and that's inviting
people into our home, sittingwith them, listening to them and
loving them right where theyare.
Speaker 1 (52:36):
Beautiful.
Well, where can people find youand find a copy of your book?
Speaker 2 (52:42):
Yes, okay, you can order my book anywhere.
It comes out February 4th.
If this podcast comes out inthe pre-order phase, please
pre-order it, because pre-ordersare really important for
authors and you can get itanywhere.
Books are sold Amazon, barnes,noble Books, a Million and you
can follow me on Instagram,tiktok, facebook.
My handle is Tori Hope Petersonand Peterson is S-E-N, not
(53:06):
S-O-N.
Speaker 1 (53:07):
There you go, and the book is called Breaking the
Patterns that Break you.
Tori, thank you so much.
It's been such a pleasurehaving you on here.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (53:17):
Thank you for listening to the Once we Dare
podcast.
It is an honor to share theseencouraging stories with you.
If you enjoy the show, I wouldlove for you to tell your
friends.
Leave us a reviewer rating andsubscribe to wherever you listen
to podcasts, because this helpsothers discover the show.
You can find me on my website,speckhopoffcom.
(53:39):
Thank you.
Hey friends, welcome to the Ones who Dared podcast,
where stories of courage areelevated.
I'm your host, vekka, and everyother week you'll hear
interviews from inspiring people.
My hope is that you will leaveencouraged.
I'm so glad you're here.
Welcome to the Ones who Daredpodcast.
(00:26):
I'm your host, becca, and I amso excited to share this guest
with you guys.
Tori Hope Peterson, who is anincredible woman.
I first heard of her when Iread her very first book called
Fostered, and in this book sheshared about her experience of
growing up in the foster caresystem and what it was like for
her to be a biracial child whileexperiencing so much angst and
(00:49):
trauma through the broken systemof foster care, and also how
she came to faith.
And Tori is such aninspirational human being who
took her brokenness, took herexperiences of trauma and
everything that she's beenthrough, and she's using it to
(01:12):
be an advocate to bring hope topeople who need it.
She's a fierce advocate forfoster care, for adoption and
for vulnerable kids, because atone point she was one, and I
also love that.
Tori is just an ordinary girlwho's a wife, a mom who enjoys
community hospitality.
An ordinary girl who's a wife,a mom who enjoys community
hospitality, cooking for herkids.
She's an author and a speaker,and on this episode we're really
(01:33):
going to dig into her latestbook, called Breaking the
Patterns that Break you, and youguys are in for a treat because
there's so much wisdom that sheshares here.
She's wise beyond her years andI'm so excited for you guys to
dig in and listen to thisepisode.
Tori Hope Peterson welcome tothe Once we Dare podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:50):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm so happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Yeah, so I read your book Fostered quite a while ago
when it when the book came out,and I found that book to be so
eye opening and give so muchinsight into someone who may not
have been in the foster caresystem, who hasn't fostered
before.
I had friends who fostered kidsand they kind of gave me some
information about what it's like, but your story really gave an
(02:18):
inside look of what it's likeand how really broken the system
is, and so I was really reallyencouraged by your story and I'm
so glad that now I'm able tohave you on with your new book,
breaking the Patterns that Breakyou, healing from the Pain of
your Past and Finding Real Hopethat Lasts.
Speaker 2 (02:35):
Thank you.
That means so much.
It's so encouraging to hear howthat first book impacted people
.
You know, when I wrote thatfirst book, my intention was
that it would be for youth maybeyoung adults like in the foster
care system, that it would.
I just wanted to write a bookfor, like younger Tori, the book
(02:56):
that I needed when I was infoster care.
And then, yeah, it just endedup being so much more than that.
It ended up being a resource topeople who have a heart for
vulnerable children orvulnerable children, and I'm
just so grateful for what Goddid with that.
It is more than what I intendedor could have even imagined.
So, thank you.
Speaker 1 (03:17):
Yeah, so just to give a little bit of background,
tori grew up in unpredictable,dysfunctional and abusive
environment and you movedthrough 12 different foster
homes before you turned 18.
And you went through a longhealing journey in between that
before becoming a sought-afterspeaker and an author of now
your second book.
And so you aim in your life toinspire other people to overcome
(03:39):
adversity and be able to be thelight and the hope.
And also you have a podcastcalled I Love you Already, which
is such a beautiful name, and Ilove that.
And I think, before we dive intoyour book, I would really like
for you to give us an insightinto your story, more of your
stories, so someone canunderstand why someone like what
(04:02):
would really inspire you towrite a book called Breaking the
Patterns that Break you?
Because it's not that.
You're a psychologist and inthe kind of the intro you're
like, you know what gives me theright to write this book.
I'm not a psychologist, I'm nota therapist, I'm not this, I'm
not that, but it really comesfrom your own painful past and
experience and really having todo the hard, intentional work of
(04:24):
working through that.
So, and really having to do thehard, intentional work of
working through that, so I'dlove if you could just give the
listener an insight into thatbackground.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
Yeah, well, as you mentioned, I grew up in the
foster care system and beforethat I lived with my biological
mom.
She was a single mom and shereally struggled with her mental
health and she you know my mom,I really want to emphasize you
know, my mom's not a villain, mymom's not a bad person.
She did her absolute best withwhat she had.
(04:50):
She passed down to me what sheknew and, you know, when I look
at the story of our generationalpatterns, of our lineage, what
happened was, you know, somelike a lot of pain was passed
down to her.
You know, some, some like a lotof pain was passed down to her
and then she passed down a lotof pain to me, but it was less
pain than what was passed downto her.
(05:12):
And you know, I think we all,just we do the best that we can,
but these patterns in our lives, they are going to affect
generations if they do not stopthe bus.
And so, um, what I was seeingin my own life, um, was that I
was stopping these generationalpatterns, but the thought
(05:34):
patterns were there, werethought patterns in my mind that
were just like I hate myself,I'm not worthy, I'm not loved,
I'm worthless, like just theseterrible things that I would say
to myself and about myselfwould just spiral in my head
over and over again.
And obviously, every singlethought pattern that we have
(05:56):
affects our behavioral patterns,it affects our relational
patterns and it reflects thepatterns that we hand down to
our family.
And so we have to address thosethought patterns and we have to
recognize the way that theymake us behave and how they
affect the people around us, howthey can hurt the relationships
around us, how they can hurt us, because if we do not figure it
out, if we do not address it,then we're going to pass it down
(06:18):
.
And the thing about patterns isthat oftentimes they're really
subtle, they're quiet.
We don't recognize them,they're what we've always known
and so we just think we're likeliving in them.
And so the idea of this book isto bring forth those subtle,
quiet patterns that we oftendon't see or we don't recognize,
and help people see them inthemselves.
(06:41):
And even if the thought patternis like the one that I talk
about, it's specific to me.
You can often see like, oh, Ihave a variation of that and
recognize it and change it.
Speaker 1 (06:55):
Yeah, and so you talk about the lies that you believe
, and one of the things that youtouched on where you started,
you kicked off your book is thelie that self-love is selfish,
and I'd love for you to kind ofdig into that, because I think
there is a misconception that.
And I think also, you know,there's always extremes, right,
you can get so self-focused thatyou disregard everybody else,
(07:18):
right, but I think in your bookthat's not really what you're
talking about, that sometimes,that loving ourselves and loving
that is beginning to ourhealing journey.
So I'd love for you to kind ofdig into that.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Yes, I wrote this as the first chapter because I just
really think it's foundational,and so all of those lies that I
just mentioned on the lastanswer that I gave, like those
were what permeated my brain.
And then I think all the otherlies were kind of built from
that foundation of just likeself-hatred and self-loathing.
(07:52):
And it was actually.
I was in the hospital and myfriend he told me you were
saying all these terrible thingsabout yourself.
I was like unconscious and hewas saying all these terrible
things about yourself and Ididn't even remember it, and so
(08:14):
what that made me aware of isthat there were these deep
rooted thoughts in me that hadto be affecting me in one way or
another.
And I think, especially asChristians, as believers, we are
told, we are told like to dieto ourselves, that we should
(08:36):
have more of God and less ofourselves.
And I think that to people whohave grown up in really
dysfunctional places, who havebeen spoken Like for me, I it
was spoken over me that I wasn'tworthy, that I wasn't loved,
like that was actually spokenover me.
And then it was proved, in asense, because I was moved from
(08:56):
foster home to foster home andnobody wanted me.
I moved throughout 12 fosterhomes throughout my entire
journey in the system, and sothen you know there was there's
nothing in it.
Didn't feel like there wasanything in my life that was
necessarily proving those, thosebeliefs, wrong.
And then to to hear, as aChristian, like, die to yourself
(09:18):
, more of God, less of you.
It just felt like everythingabout me is bad, so I can't see
anything about me as good, Ican't love anything about myself
, and what I discovered was thatthat just creates a lot of
insecurity.
And like, god has created us tobe confident in him and he has
(09:39):
created us to like walk in ourcallings, and to do that, we
have to love who God has createdus to be.
We have to love the gifts thathe's given us.
We have to love the callingthat he's given us.
We don't need to suppress itdown or push it down or become
smaller.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
So what I like to say is more of God and more of who
God has created me to be, and Ican love who God has created me
to be, and I can love who Godhas created me to be because God
did a good job making me, andthat is just like the script
that I would want to give anyonewho struggles with
self-loathing or self-hatredthat God did a good job making
(10:18):
you and you can walk in that Ilove that so much, like God, did
a good job making you, and Ithink that's such a beautiful
statement because, like you saidyou, you had words that were
spoken over you and then it wasreinforced by the patterns that
you were seeing in the behaviorsand the way that people treated
you, confirmed those abusivewords that were spoken over you
(10:39):
and um, and I love that you justwere able to overcome that.
The other thing that I, theother lie that we hear often and
this isn't just something thatyou believed is that time heals
all wounds, and in Chapter 5,you write Raptured relationships
(11:01):
in my life.
12 years has passed, yet mytriggers felt more tender than
ever before.
I have heard that time healedall wounds, but at the age of 24
, I was supposed to be in myprime health.
Time seems to have onlyintensified and magnified my
emotional wounds.
Through countless heartbreaksand letdowns, I have come to
(11:22):
terms with the reality that timedoes not heal.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
Yeah, yeah, time doesn't heal what we do with our
time heals.
And I was actually sitting inthe so when me and my husband
got married.
We were just so poor, likeevery young person, every people
who gets married super young,and so we just took like free
(11:48):
everything, like free gymmembership for a month or like
free trial or free food or freefurniture off the side of the
road.
We're like we're taking it alland there's free lunch in, so
we're like free food, okay,we're going to go there.
I had no idea what it was about, but the speaker was actually
talking about trauma and I waskind of like, I'll be honest, I
(12:09):
went in and I had been.
I've been in therapy since Iwas 12 years old when I was in
the foster care system.
The judge had actually mandatedthat I'd be in therapy because
of everything that I'd wentthrough before entering the
system and my first family, andso I started therapy at a very
young age.
Very thankful for that, I dothink that it gave me kind of a
head start, that I got to startto learn how to process things
(12:30):
at a very young age, got tolearn how to journal and talk
things through at a young age.
Um, but when I was listening tothe speaker I kind of came in
and was like, yeah, probablyheard this before because I've
been in therapy all this time.
I studied psychology for myundergrad and I just was like,
(12:53):
okay, here we go, I'm a cure forthe food.
And then he started talking andhe said that those who grew up
in dysfunctional families or hadparents that were abusive or
dysfunctional were two timesmore likely to enter into
relationships that reflectedtheir caregiver.
And it just blew my mindbecause it was like, and I would
(13:20):
say it was like, oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, at first it was like, ofcourse, but then he said we do
this because it's where ourbrains are comfortable, even
though we know that we don'twant the dysfunction, we find
comfort in the familiar.
And I was like, oh, like, itwas just this realization.
Okay, I get it.
And I think usually we hearthis um, we know that people
(13:43):
enter, do this with romanticrelationships, but he actually
kept it very broadly like justrelationships in general, and I
think that that's what helped merealize what was happening,
because when I was in college, Iwent to go, I went, I ran track
in college and my first year ofcollege I had a track coach who
(14:03):
he was actually fired for quote, unquote athlete abuse and
misconduct.
And it's wild because thatentire year I was his victim and
I just had no idea.
It was actually other otherteammates that had reported him
and that had started theinvestigation and that had
(14:27):
started the investigation.
But I wasn't made aware what Iwas really going through until
he was fired and the case wasclosed and I had time to process
it with other people.
And then later there was thismother figure in my life and I
really wanted her to love me andI really wanted her to accept
me and I was just willing to dolike anything to have her
attention and our but, but.
(14:47):
Our relationship was sodysfunctional, like we were just
not kind to each other and itwould just spiral into these big
blow-ups and then we would likego, no contact, we wouldn't
talk to each other, and then wewould come back into
relationship and try again and Irealized in that talk that the
(15:08):
guy was giving on trauma wasthat that relationship reflected
so much of my relationship withmy mom and much of my
relationship did.
But I just hadn't realized thatthat's what I was moving
towards because that's where mybrain was comfortable.
I didn't realize that was apattern in my life of entering
(15:29):
into these kinds ofrelationships until until really
, he just made it so clear and Iwould say that was the moment
where I wanted to start lookingat every other pattern in my
life.
The moment where I wanted tostart looking at every other
pattern in my life.
Speaker 1 (15:45):
Yeah, I've heard it once said before that we would
prefer like and this is talkingabout our brains to a familiar
hell versus to an unfamiliarheaven.
So it's that, and I thinkthat's why people who leave
abusive relationships end upright back with a similar
abusive type of behavior, isbecause, even though it seems
(16:09):
like, why would you not wantsomeone who's kind and treat you
well and and all that, all ofthose things but at the same
time, it's like, well, this iswhat I'm used to and I don't
know how to function outside ofthis environment.
So that's it's interesting, butit also gives us insight into
the work that we have to do.
So what have you found when youdiscover those triggers?
(16:31):
What have you found that workedto kind of break some of those
patterns for you Because I knowthat's a loaded question, yeah,
Well, it's changing thosenarratives and changing those
scripts, right?
Speaker 2 (16:44):
So one of the scripts or ideas that I have that kept
me in these dysfunctionalrelationships is that if I left
people, it would be unloving.
Because in my childhood therewere so many people that left me
behind, right, like there wereso many, like I had literally
experienced abandonment over andover and over again, and so to
(17:04):
leave people so unloving and itfelt ungodly.
I didn't ever see leaving aslike a healthy thing.
And then what I realized isthat, like we are limited beings
, we cannot have everyone in ourlife, right, um, to be like and
(17:27):
some people are really, reallyhurtful, and like god does not
want us to be abused, like, forthe sake of quote-unquote, dying
to self.
Like god does not want us to bein dysfunctional relationships
that bring us farther away fromhim, for the sake of
quote-unquote love, um.
And so, really, it was changingthe script.
(17:48):
So, like I used to believe,like leaving is not loving, and
now I know that like leaving isactually sometimes the most
loving option, and, um, I think,getting there, I also had to
recognize my codependenttendencies and so, um, this is
like another.
We're going to go back topsychology, and in the book I
(18:08):
did say that I am not apsychologist.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
I did study psychology in my undergrad and I
do also learned all of thisthrough having to deal with your
stuff.
And I think sometimes, um, likeI was talking to a friend just
this week and she was, you know,coming to a wall and I was able
to help her reframe some things, and she's like, how do you
know this?
I'm like, because I've been intherapy myself, like this isn't
(18:31):
me being an expert, this is mespeaking from experience, you
know.
So I think sometimes that iswhat gives you kind of that,
that knowledge, and the expertis having your own experience,
without necessarily having thetitle.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
So yeah, yeah, yeah, and my husband and I were foster
parents, so we learned aboutthis specific thing in our
foster care training, because wetalk about a lot in the foster
care space and that isattachment styles.
So there are four differentattachment styles and I won't go
into all of them, but the onethat I recognize that I have
that I struggle with is insecureattachment, and that's where
you tend to you like latch on topeople and you want to do
(19:09):
anything to make them love andaccept you, because you're so
like terrified of abandonmentand then, usually because you
have, I had such highexpectations of people.
I demanded so much out of ourrelationship or expected so much
out of our relationship, thateventually it would implode
because, like people are notunlimited but I would treat them
(19:32):
like they were and I wouldtreat myself like I was too,
like I would enter into therelationship Like I can give
anything if it results in mebeing accepted and loved, and
that's not a healthy but that isa relationship that is going to
end up in just like a bomb.
So I recognize that I havethese.
So insecure attachment looks alot like codependent tendencies
(19:56):
and when people have like mykind of background, people tend
to assume that, oh, they have anavoidant attachment style,
which is they just can't attachat all, they don't want to,
they're afraid of vulnerability,they're afraid of genuine
connection with people andpeople don't recognize that
there's actually other unhealthyforms of attachment, and so
(20:19):
mine was insecure attachment,which very much looks like
codependency.
And so when I recognized mycodependent tendency, use in so
many relationships and romanticrelationships and my friendship
and my coach relationships andmy with my authority figures,
that was, um, that was you know.
And there has to come a pointwhen you recognize, okay, there
(20:44):
is a consistent thing happening.
I'm the common denominator.
And, yes, there are people inmy life, like there are people
in my life that were like,abusive, dysfunctional, they
were hurtful, but I also, like,I ran after them, I continued to
reach out to them, I pulledthem into my life.
And so there has to come apoint where we take
responsibility and I want toemphasize wholeheartedly that,
(21:07):
like, when someone is abusivetowards us or hurtful towards us
, they're absolutely responsiblefor those actions, but we are
responsible for our healing,moving forward and we're
responsible for anydysfunctional pattern of
continuing to enter into thatrelationship over and over again
.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
Yeah, that's so good Because you can stay stuck as a
victim and say well, all thesethings happen to me and you
don't understand my story, youdon't understand what I've been
through, but at the end of theday, it's like you could have
all gone through hell and back,and yet you can choose a
different story.
Which leads me into the otherlie that you write about in the
(21:44):
book is that you can't changeyour story, and I think that's
such a beautiful and such animportant point, because there
are so many people right nowthat are really just stuck and
they feel like my life is sohard.
I've been through so much and Ijust don't know how to navigate
(22:04):
from here.
I don't believe that mynarrative can be different.
I don't believe that my lifecan be different.
So what would you say tosomeone who believes that lie?
Speaker 2 (22:14):
And so there was this Christmas that my husband and I
it was a few years ago, maybefour years ago now my husband
and I were dividing up presents.
We had a lot of family membersto divide up presents for and we
get some presents for peoplelike we're really close to, and
so I mentioned that motherfigure that I just wanted to
like, love and accept me, and soshe was a part of who we were
(22:36):
organizing presents for.
She was a part of who we wereorganizing presents for, and
probably the nicest gift in thisentire all the stuff that we
were giving was a leather bagand I put it in her name is
Kimberly.
We put it in Kimberly's pileand my husband was like you have
all the nice things in her pileand you don't really have very
(22:59):
many nice things for your family.
I was kind of offended.
I was like I have nice thingsfor my family, right.
And then I like looked and waslike oh yeah, all the nicest
things are going Kimberly and myhusband was like we're going to
give this back to your.
I have a mother figure.
Her name is Tanya.
She stood in at my as my mom atmy wedding.
(23:22):
She had been a part of my life.
Since I was in seventh gradeshe had been my mentor, walked
with me through so many thingsthat I could call her.
I could literally call herright now and she would answer
and she would love to talk toyou, like, and she would talk to
me for as long as I wanted totalk to her.
I can call her at two in themorning and she will answer my
phone call, like she's.
(23:46):
She's always there for me.
But I was so focused on thisrelationship with this other
mother figure, kimberly, that Ikind of lost, kind of lost that
relationship with Tanya and Iwas functioning from, I think.
I think what fueled this entirelike, dysfunction of like
ignoring those who genuinelyloved me and wanted a
relationship with me and chasingthose who really couldn't offer
(24:08):
me love in the way that Ineeded it.
I think the narrative thatfueled that was this false story
that I didn't have a family, Ididn't have anybody that loved
me.
And see, when we're functioningfrom your lies, it affects
everything.
It affects, like, when youactually do have people in your
life, what happens if you end uppushing them away because
(24:28):
you're functioning from a falsenarrative, from a lie, and so
you know, I absolutely recognizethat there are some people who,
like they're laying on theirbed right now and they are
genuinely alone, like they donot know who they can call.
But there are a lot of us, alot of us, who do have people
and have not fully um acceptedand loved them, because we're so
(24:52):
focused on those who don'tfully love and accept us and we
are running and chasing afterthose who are denying us.
And if we just turned around,we would see that there are
people with open arms waitingfor, waiting to give us a hug.
Speaker 1 (25:12):
Yeah, that's so good and that is.
And so what are also some otherways that we can change that
narrative or dispute that lie,that we can't, that our story
stays the same, that we can'tchange who we are Like?
What are some things that you'vedone to change the narrative of
your story?
Because you have come so farfrom where you started into
(25:36):
where you are now and you'regiving voice and hope to people
who are once in your shoes, andI love that and I think that's
so beautiful.
And I just want to say I'm soproud of you for working really
hard on your healing, becausehealed people help heal people,
and when we don't work on ourwounds and our hurts, we end up
hurting other people, whetherintentionally or unintentionally
(25:58):
, and so I think that should besuch a motivator for us to say
you know, my healing is not onlyfor me, but it's also for the
generations after me, it's alsofor the people around me that
when I'm healed and I believethat we will never be fully like
, perfect and whole and healedand you also confirm that in
your book too.
(26:19):
So I know that you hold that tothat same value but at the same
time, it is our responsibilityto really work on ourselves and
to do our best to work throughthis pattern so that we can be a
place of hope and healing forother people as well.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
Yeah, I think one of the most powerful ways that I
have been able to see my ownstory and heal from it is one
serving people who have storieslike the foster care system
former foster youth, and then myhusband and I also have a teen
(27:02):
foster daughter, and throughoutthis process of serving young
women who really have wentthrough such similar you know, I
think it's only like two orthree percent of people have
experienced time in the fostercare system, and so truly what
we have been through is reallyunique and it is sometimes hard
to understand Like it's hard forme to understand what I've been
(27:26):
through and the actions thatI've taken and so what serving
people like me has done is it'sgiven me I say it's given me a
window.
So what I get to do is I get tolook into someone else's life
and I can relate to them, but atthe same time, windows don't
just allow you to look in, theyalso give you a reflection.
(27:48):
And so serving you know a teengirl in the foster care system
who has a very similar story tomine.
What that's done is it's caresystem, who has a very similar
story to mine.
What that's done is it'shelping and you know she has
reactions and triggers andtrauma that looks so much like
mine is.
It's giving me a reflection,quite honestly, of the ways that
I've hurt my adoptive parents.
(28:09):
It's given me a reflection ofthe ways that I've hurt with
people in general and it's givenme an avenue when you see those
things exposed and for whatthey are, and when you're
experiencing them yourself.
On the completely other end ofit, you really want to heal so
that you don't hurt peopleanymore.
So one of the greatest giftsthat I always tell foster
(28:33):
parents and caregivers who areserving kids in the foster care
system, or just vulnerablechildren in general, is if you
can give youth the opportunityto serve people that look like
them and in their background, itis one of the greatest gifts
that you can give us.
And I think the second thing isjust community.
(28:53):
You know, and again it goesback to seeing, seeing things
for what they truly are, becauseagain these patterns are subtle
, they're quiet, the way thatour trauma manifests in us.
It's what we're always used to.
It's hard to identify up intothe truth of who you are and
(29:16):
call you up and point out thelittle corpse that maybe are
hurting the people around youand are hurting yourself.
I think it can be like it's agame.
It's a game changer to bearound people who are willing to
support you through feedbackand continue to love you when
(29:38):
you make mistakes or when youhave shortcomings.
And, of course, to do that, youalso have to be a person who is
able to receive feedback.
Right.
You have to be a person who'sable to receive criticism.
I think one of the greatestgifts of running track and of
being an athlete was that I andI don't mean this like on a brag
, a brag on myself but beingcoachable has always been a
characteristic of that.
(29:59):
I and I don't mean this like ona brag, a brag on myself but
being coachable has always beena characteristic of that I've
just had.
It's something that's comeeasily and I think it's because
of my track career and myathletic career.
If you want to be good, youhave to be coachable, and that's
just not an athletic.
That's in every part of yourlife.
If you want to be healed, youhave to be coachable.
If you want to be kinder, youhave to be coachable.
Like, if you want to beanything a version better of
(30:21):
yourself in any way then youhave to be able to receive
criticism and see that whenpeople give it to you.
Speaker 1 (30:29):
That's beautiful, yeah, and that's so true.
We're not able to receive,we're not able to change and
evolve as well.
And so what I hear you say inthat, in just this previous
thing, is that sometimes what ittakes is a guide, and you
probably know the anatomy of astory, which you know.
You have the hero, who's thecharacter of the story, you
usually have a villain, thevictim, and then you have the
(30:50):
guide, and so sometimes I thinkin our story we can have the
narrative that you know we'restuck, and so on and so forth.
And we like in your case, when,when, um, your foster mom,
tanya, came along and she wasable to be the guide, right, she
was one of your guides.
And sometimes we have manyguides in our lives, like frodo
(31:11):
had sam who guided him intovictory, right, um, and so when
we have those guides who call usout into and they're able to
see the good, the gems in us,that maybe things that we don't
yet see in ourselves, andthey're able to encourage us and
kind of help us to grow in that.
So, on the flip side of theperson you know who's not the
(31:34):
victim, or that stuck, how wouldyou encourage someone that can
be a guide for kids who are inthe foster care system or kids
who may, you know, feelmarginalized, people who just
may feel stuck.
So how would you guide theguide into encouraging?
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2 (31:52):
Yeah, thanks for asking that question, because
this book is not just for peoplewho are feeling stuck, but this
book is actually a resource forpeople who serve those who are
stuck, and it really does havethe same heart as foster to do
both, because I know that thereare so many.
Much of my audience are peoplewho are caring for those and
(32:15):
loving those who haveexperienced a lot of trauma, and
so that was the heart behindthis book, and so what I would
say to those who are trying toserve and give opportunity and
empower and uplift those who arestuck is give them
opportunities.
You know, what my track coachdid was he gave me opportunities
(32:36):
to be the best athlete that Ican be.
My church when I was like 17,.
They gave me my first everspeaking engagement.
Like they saw something in mefrom a very young age that I
didn't see in myself.
But now this is my full timework, you know, and so there was
a nonprofit in my town when Iwas young.
They gave me a lot ofopportunities to do advocacy and
(32:58):
all of those things right.
They are now a part of who I amand what I do, and I am a coach,
I am a public speaker, I doadvocacy work for children in
foster care, and so I think ifyou can give young people
opportunities to show them whothey are created to be and what
(33:19):
they're good at Like, it givesthem confidence and it gives
them vision for the future.
Because I think oftentimes youknow, when you grow up in a
really dysfunctional home youknow what you don't want.
You know I don't want that formy future, I don't want that for
my family, but it's really hardto have a vision for what you
do want or to know how to getthere, because you never had it
(33:40):
modeled to you or you never hadthe opportunity to obtain it.
And so if you can give them asmany opportunities you know as
possible to show them whatthey're capable of and their
potential, it gives themconfidence and it gives them a
roadmap to walk into their trueidentity.
Speaker 1 (33:58):
Yeah, that's good, and even I think that applies to
even when you're notnecessarily ready, when you
haven't, you know it's justgiving you that opportunity
because not waiting until you'rein a better place to
essentially say so, when theygave you that opportunity, you
didn't finish walking throughyour healing process, you were
still in the mess.
Yes, that's one of the lies,yes, okay.
Speaker 2 (34:20):
So I don't know if we've done this already, but
there's 14 lies throughout thebook and that is actually one of
the lies and it's one of myfavorite chapters because when I
was 17, I was like I had justcome to give my life to Jesus,
like I had just started livingas a Christian.
And then I, my, my pastors,gave me an opportunity to speak
(34:44):
and I think some people wouldthink, wow, that was really
irresponsible, like youshouldn't have done that.
And then even into you know, Istarted this work at a pretty
young age.
I've been in it in somecapacity since I was 18.
And so I've heard a lot ofpushback.
I've heard you're not ready,you're not mature enough.
Over and over and over again.
(35:09):
And when I was 17, like I said,I did a.
It was an awareness event formy church, for foster care and
adoption, and throughout, youknow, the next four or five
years, six years, I would hearas I continued in my work, I
would hear you know, you're notready, you're too young, all of
these things, all the naysayers.
When I was 22, I received amessage on social media and it
said we heard you talk at whenyou were 17,.
We heard you talk at this eventand I just want you to know
(35:33):
that me and my husband, we gotin the car and we decided that
day after we we heard your storythat we are going to get
involved in foster care, andtoday we are adopting a sibling
group of three.
And so, yeah, sometimes like Ilook back and I don't think that
people are wrong.
I wasn't ready, but I don'tthink those people are wrong.
I wasn't healed.
I haven't always been the mostmature as I have walked on this
(35:55):
journey, but God's people areready and God is able to, you
know, fill in those gaps when wehave inadequacies, and it
literally says in scripture thatin our weakness, god will be
made strong, that his strengthwill prevail through us.
And so I think that that isdefinitely another thing that we
need to be very watchful whenwe are encouraging kids who come
(36:19):
from hard places, young peoplewho come from hard places,
because most of my peers whohave went through what I have
went through like and this isn'tme making things up or bragging
about myself, this is just astatistic they are struggling
with addiction, drugs, alcohol.
Their children are enteringinto the foster care system.
They are not pursuing aneducation and they do not have
(36:41):
stable work and so like.
If someone's alternative islike sharing their story when
they're not ready, I thinkthat's a pretty good alternative
.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Yeah, it is, and it also allows you to, in a sense,
when you give them thatopportunity, it's saying like I
trust you.
In a sense, when you give themthat opportunity, it's saying
like I trust you and it givesthem that chance to um, show
that they're capable ofsomething to prove their trust,
and so it's like you're puttingthat trust in their hands and
they can you know, they can dowell or they can break it, but
(37:12):
but they have that opportunityto prove themselves, which is
such a beautiful gift, um, oneof the last lies that I wanted
to touch on before we close isthat you need closure, and this
is a huge one, I feel like,because when we're hurt by
people who are, you know, hurtpeople, hurt people and there is
(37:32):
no closure maybe they haven'tapologized, maybe they haven't
made things right we can getstuck.
So I'd love for you to unpackthat At the Once For A Day
podcast.
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(37:54):
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Speaker 2 (38:17):
Go to MidwestFoodBankorg slash
Pennsylvania forward in our ownhealing journey.
(38:40):
We need an apology, we needsome kind of closure, we need to
have a resolution, aconversation with someone that
would result in resolution.
And the reality is that we canlike.
Our healing is not likeaffected by other people's
feelings.
Our healing is affected by ourability and our willingness to
move forward, and so I thinkthat sometimes it's so easy to
(39:02):
get stuck because we're waitingon the people who hurt us or
we're waiting on the person whodid the thing that affected us,
but the reality is we could bewaiting on that for the rest of
our lives and and then we couldbe, and then where does that
(39:27):
leave us?
That leaves us in the sameplace that they are stuck.
So we, we have to decide I canheal without anything from
anybody else.
Um, in my foster care journey, Ihad foster parents who, uh,
they never abused me, but theyabused their adoptive children
and it was the way that theyabused them was just terrible
(39:49):
and strange and sad, and Ireported that abuse and I was
deemed a liar and I moved homeand for the rest of you know,
kind of like the rest of myyears, you're just.
I was just plagued with thisthought that I was a liar and I
(40:11):
wanted justice for the boy whowas brutally abused and I didn't
know how to get it and it justcreated so much turmoil and hurt
in me and I realized to nothave that turmoil and hurt and
pain, I had to decide that I wasgoing to forgive them, because
(40:31):
when we don't forgive, it'struly like we're in a prison,
right.
We're just going through thisturmoil and pain and we're angry
and we're bitter and we seethat person out in public.
And when we see that person, wescroll through our social media
and they pop up and we see themand you know our face gets
flushed and we just have rageand we're in a prison of like
anger and bitterness.
(40:52):
But when we forgive, what itdoes is it's like a key on the
inside and we get to unlockourselves and walk out and say
I'm going to forgive you and I'mgoing to say I'll forgive them
so they do not know what theyare doing and I'm going to see
you with love, even if you havevery little love.
(41:15):
And and what that does is itsoftens our hearts and it helps
us see ourselves for who we are,helps us see others for who
they truly are, and that's human.
And then so I forgave, forgave.
My foster parents moved out oftown, so I didn't see them often
(41:35):
or anything, and not as manyfeelings came up when I wasn't
seeing them around or seeingcars that were similar to theirs
, and I was out and about.
And then the foster dad actuallyhe messaged me on social media
and I was just like shocked.
I was so taken back, yeah, andand I respond to him and I said
I don't know if you want to talkto me like I actually wrote a
(41:57):
book about my wife and youweren't that great of a
character in it, just so youknow.
Um, yeah, and he was like, yeah, it's okay, I deserve that.
And he was like I'm I'm sosorry and so and, and we had, we
could have a conversation andthere was kindness there and I
(42:18):
gave him a copy of my book.
And you know, there was at onepoint in my life where I think
that I think I would have hopedthat what I would have presented
to him would have been like mysuccess and my accolade, but
what I was able to present tohim was kindness and love and
(42:39):
openness to who he was and wherehe was in that moment.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
And that was possible because I forgave him first
powerful tool because, like yousaid it, it takes us out of the
prison because when we hold onforgiveness, we are in our own
prison and that frees us andthen we're able to be to offer
(43:05):
love and offer that, extend thatvulnerability and be able to,
like you had with with him.
Speaker 2 (43:11):
That's so beautiful and I'm sure he was really
touched by that yeah, I think,and there's also like if I would
have needed closure before hewas ready.
The thing is, when we needclosure before the other person
is ready and maybe we're tryingto get it from them or trying to
meet with them and to have thatconversation of resolution more
(43:41):
confused, more hurt, or weactually enter back into that
dysfunctional, abusiverelationship, and so that's why
we just really have to guardagainst seeking closure, and I'm
all about having hardconversations.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
Like.
Speaker 2 (43:51):
I.
This isn't like seeking closurefor the sake of healing and
having a hard conversation forthe sake of healing are two
different things.
We just really can't dependupon other people for our
healing.
Speaker 1 (44:03):
Yeah, because I think when you force that closure and
you're trying to talk tosomeone who's not ready, it's
like you're asking somethingfrom someone that they can't
give you because they're not ata place of where you are at to
give you that, and then thatwould leave you disappointed,
angry and, like you said, youcould loop right back you that,
and then that would leave youdisappointed, angry and, like
you said, you could loop rightback into that toxic cycle in
that relationship.
(44:24):
Yeah, exactly.
Well, tori, I think your storyis so inspiring and I hope
everybody picks up a copy ofyour book because it's such an
encouraging message to the world, to people, about how to break
our cycles.
And I usually end my podcastwith a few questions.
One of them is what is thebravest thing that Tori has ever
done?
Speaker 2 (44:45):
Oh, oh, oh, wow.
The bravest thing I've everdone.
That is such a big question.
There's so many things goingthrough my head and I'm like I
think the bravest thing I'veever done is being a mom when I
(45:10):
had no example.
I think the bravest thing I'veever done is trying to pave a
way for the vulnerable childrencoming after me, and I think
it's letting people in again andagain and again, despite being
a hurt person.
Those are the ones that popinto my head right away.
(45:33):
Yeah, it's beautiful because wealso, I did go skydiving once as
well there you go, but you knowwhat?
Speaker 1 (45:44):
but I think opening your heart once again after you
being hurt is so.
It is such a brave andhonorable thing because you are.
When we're honorable, we'reopening ourselves to be hurt
again.
Right, because you can't lovepeople without the possibility
of them hurting you, and that'sso beautiful.
I'm so proud of you for that.
(46:04):
The other thing is, is what'sthe?
What is the best advice thatsomeone gave you?
Speaker 2 (46:11):
Oh, I have such great mentors in my life.
What just immediately came tome which I'm, let me just say
this, because I have so manyamazing mentors in my life.
I've been given such amazingadvice, but the one that just
immediately came into my mind ishumility is simply agreeing
with who God says you areNothing more and nothing less.
(46:31):
And so I think oftentimes,especially as women and as
believers, we think thathumility is self-hatred.
We think that humility ismaking less of ourselves and
becoming smaller.
But humility is just walking inthe gifts that God has given us
and not boasting about them andtrying to make them more of
what they are, but alsodefinitely not making them less
(46:53):
of what they are either.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
That's so good.
Yeah, Instead of minimizinglike, well you know, let me like
have false, humble kind ofapproach, but just being
confident in who you are andwalking in that, that's so
beautiful.
Speaker 2 (47:07):
Yeah, it's so simple, Like when someone says you did
good at this, like say thank you, you know, don't say, oh my God
, no, it's so bad, Right, or tryto be like well actually, you
know, I really wanted it to belike this and it's like no, just
yeah, yeah, I received that,thank you.
Speaker 1 (47:21):
That's beautiful, like two to three pivotal books
that were transformative in yourlife, okay, unclean.
Speaker 2 (47:29):
By richard beck.
Blew my mind um the furiouslonging of god.
By brennan manning and in jesusname, by henry nowen wow, those
sound like all really goodtitles really good they're all
um very much for people who arein leadership and for people who
(47:50):
are um.
They're for anybody.
I'll just say they're foranybody, but also, yeah, they're
just for anybody.
They're great, read it.
I don't want to live.
I'm like no way, I don't wantto live at them because I want
everybody yeah, and how werethey?
Speaker 1 (48:05):
um, like, what were some, some of the kind of shifts
that you had?
Speaker 2 (48:11):
okay, so the book in jesus name by henry allen there
is the story that.
So henry allen, he does thework.
He's passed now, but he um didthe work that I get to do.
He was a traveling christiancommunicator, he wrote books and
he was very, very successful inwhat he did.
And he said at one point hewent to go live in a home that
(48:38):
served adults with special needsand he walked in there and like
nobody knew his accoladesNobody, like adults with special
needs, don't know who he is.
They don't care about like whathe's written book or books, or
if he's a great speaker.
What they care about is if hecares about them, and that story
has just been something that'salways stuck with me.
(48:59):
Like if I walk into a placewhere nobody knew who I was,
nobody knew what I did, wouldthey be drawn towards me because
I could care for them and lovethem.
Um, and then a serious longingof God.
It's written by Brennan Manning, who um talks in in all of his
(49:21):
books.
Really he addresses God as ourfather.
So I think that that reallyjust changed my perspective of
God and helped me see him as myfather who loves me and cares
for me and wants to hold me andto touch me.
I grew up without a father andso I think that kind of
(49:42):
perspective of God has been veryhealing in my relationship with
him and helped me see myself asa daughter who's worthy of a
father who's worthy of love.
And then the book unclean.
Is this book?
It's actually by going back topsychology, it is a book by a he
is a christian psychologist andhe's a theologian and professor
(50:04):
and he talks.
There's a lot of psychologytheory in the book.
Really that's like intertwinedwith theology and he addresses
the church and talks to themabout why we are not radically
hospitable, like why we keep outthe poor and the vulnerable.
And it's just.
It's a book that when you readit you're going to really
(50:25):
consider how you can betterwelcome people in and expand the
boundaries that you have.
Speaker 1 (50:35):
Yes, and I think, having a conversation with you,
I feel like I can't end thispodcast without giving you an
opportunity to speak inhospitality, just for like a
couple seconds at least, leastbecause you have such a big
heart for hospitality and I wasraised in in a place where that
was such a big part too, and Ithink that what would you say to
(50:55):
someone who perhaps is likewrestling with how do you start
and like why do you feelhospitality is so important?
Speaker 2 (51:04):
my hope and my prayer is that my next book is about
hospitality.
I can talk all about thesethings.
Yes, hospitality is somethingI'm so passionate about and
that's because of Tanya andScott and the people that led me
into their home.
You know, I think a lot ofChristians were like let's
invite people to church, whichis cool, invite people to church
, but then don't peace out onSundays.
(51:24):
There's this verse in 1Thessalonians but then don't
peace out on Sunday.
Uh, there's this verse in firstThessalonians and it says um,
we did not.
We loved you so much that we didnot just tell you about the
gospel of God, but we invitedyou into our lives as well and,
like you know, love ishospitality, love is welcoming
people in.
Love is opening doors for peopleand creating safe spaces for
(51:45):
them.
Um, for me, like I came toChrist not just by being invited
to church, but by being invitedinto people's lives and homes,
my life was radically changed bypeople's ordinary love in their
homes, and so I thinkoftentimes people look at me,
especially when I go to, likeyouth events and I'll speak to
(52:06):
youth and I'll encourage youth,and they're like I want to be a
speaker like you, I want to bean author like you, and I'm like
I actually wish I could showpeople more of my ordinary life,
like I wish sometimes that wasthe more public thing, because
it's like this is something wecan actually all do, and I
actually think it's morepowerful is inviting people into
our home and it's moreaccessible.
(52:27):
It's more accessible, it's morepowerful and that's inviting
people into our home, sittingwith them, listening to them and
loving them right where theyare.
Speaker 1 (52:36):
Beautiful.
Well, where can people find youand find a copy of your book?
Speaker 2 (52:42):
Yes, okay, you can order my book anywhere.
It comes out February 4th.
If this podcast comes out inthe pre-order phase, please
pre-order it, because pre-ordersare really important for
authors and you can get itanywhere.
Books are sold Amazon, barnes,noble Books, a Million and you
can follow me on Instagram,tiktok, facebook.
My handle is Tori Hope Petersonand Peterson is S-E-N, not
(53:06):
S-O-N.
Speaker 1 (53:07):
There you go, and the book is called Breaking the
Patterns that Break you.
Tori, thank you so much.
It's been such a pleasurehaving you on here.
Speaker 2 (53:15):
Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker 1 (53:17):
Thank you for listening to the Once we Dare
podcast.
It is an honor to share theseencouraging stories with you.
If you enjoy the show, I wouldlove for you to tell your
friends.
Leave us a reviewer rating andsubscribe to wherever you listen
to podcasts, because this helpsothers discover the show.
You can find me on my website,speckhopoffcom.
(53:39):
Thank you.
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