March 11, 2025 • 19 mins
Grief has a way of marking our calendars doesn't it? What was once just March—my birthday month—has become a landscape of painful anniversaries that I'm still learning to navigate with grace.
This deeply personal episode explores the losses that have transformed my usually happy birthday month. From the sudden passing of my barn friend Manny in 2019, through the difficult COVID period that took both my mother and my boss Ruth within months of each other, to the devastating loss of my beloved horse Dallas last March after 23 years together. Each loss carries its own weight, its own lessons, and its own timeline for healing.
Some losses eventually transform into fond memories that bring smiles rather than tears, while others remain raw no matter how much time passes. As I approach the first anniversary of losing Dallas on March 17th, I share the reality of grief that comes in waves—how sometimes I've coped by not thinking about him at all, how his photo remains my phone's lock screen, and how a memorial wind chime occasionally offers moments of connection when the breeze catches it just right.
Through tears and vulnerable reflections, this episode speaks to anyone who has marked their calendar with both celebrations and sorrows. Though I make no promises about next week's topic being happier, I invite you to join me as we remember together that every day—whether joyful or painful—remains a gift worth unwrapping.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Right, welcome to the Only Child Diaries podcast.
I'm your host, tracy Wallace.
Have you ever felt like youdidn't receive the how-to
brochure on life, that youdidn't get enough guidance about
major life issues?
So did I.
You don't have to be an onlychild to feel this way.
(00:22):
In my podcast, we'll exploresome of the best ways to better
navigate adulting, while doingso with humor and light.
Welcome everyone to the OnlyChild Diaries podcast.
(00:44):
Today, I'm going to talk aboutMarch.
It's March now, and well, marchhas traditionally been one of
my favorite months of the yearbecause it's my birthday month.
Yes, my birthday's March 22nd,and that's always been a special
(01:05):
day for me.
I've always celebrated mybirthday.
I think everybody shouldcelebrate their birthday, right,
I think that's very important.
But over the last several years, march has, well, it's seen
some difficult days, and so, asI go into March, I well, I'm
(01:34):
sort of dreading it Becausethere's some uncomfortable
anniversaries coming up.
Anniversaries coming up If youknow me, you know what they are,
but I'm trying to keep a stiffupper lip, I'm trying to keep a
smile on my face and I'm tryingto stay in the moment.
(01:58):
I'm trying to remember thatevery day is a gift.
Yes, I know every day is a gift.
Whether or not every day is ahappy day or a sad day, it's
still a gift.
It's very important to remember.
But yes, this year, especiallythis March, is going to be a
(02:19):
little bit difficult for me Nowin 2019,.
We lost our friend Manny rightafter my birthday and he was a
friend at the barn.
He was something of well now, Ihave to say, when Bill and I
(02:43):
were spending time at the barn,it was because Bill was working
at night and I would be there atnight to see and take care of
our horse and spend time andrelax and be outside.
And even though it wasnighttime, because it was
quieter at night, there wereless people at the time that I
went and I would get there likeeight or nine o'clock and so a
(03:05):
lot of people were already goneor in the process of leaving,
and so it was quieter because Ijust I wanted to not have to
well, interact with a lot of thepeople.
I already interacted with a lotof people during the day and,
being an only child, I alreadyinteracted with a lot of people
(03:26):
during the day and, being anonly child let's say that as
well I also, well, I interactedwith people all day long at my
job, right, and I just wantedsome quiet time to myself.
So less drama, less interaction.
It was great.
But Manny was one of thosepeople.
Even though he was, I think, inhis 80ies, he liked to be there
late at night.
(03:48):
And Manny was, I think, fromArgentina originally and he
started to befriend us.
He really enjoyed talking to us.
I mean, there weren't very manyother people in the barn either
, but he was barn either.
(04:12):
But he was great.
He was a character.
He used to be a jockey in hisyounger days and so he had a lot
of stories to tell.
And he also liked to talk, andso he would come and sit with us
as his horse was outside in apen or just relaxing or what
have you, and he would tell usstories.
He would talk about his wife,who had passed away several
(04:34):
years before, and how much hemissed her, and he would talk
about his son.
Manny lived close by, I think inStudio City, but his son lived
up in Camarillo, which is about,I'd say, maybe 50 miles or so,
and he would talk about his sonand how proud he was of his son,
(04:54):
and he would talk about hishorse and he was always so
diligent in saying, oh, I haveto take care of my horse, I have
to exercise my horse, I have totake care of my horse, I have
to exercise my horse.
And he was just Bill and I justreally enjoyed spending time
(05:15):
with him because he was a sweetman and we just really adored
him.
And then I remember one I thinkit was a Sunday that I was here
.
Sundays are never good thinkingabout it, or Sunday is like our
bad day.
Anyway, I was here one Sundayafternoon and my phone rang and
(05:39):
his son and I had exchangedphone numbers because I met him
once at the barn and he said letme have your phone.
Him once at the barn and hesaid let me have your phone
number in case something happens.
I said I'm sure and I took hisand he called and he said he
told me the bad news that he hadbeen unable to reach his dad
(06:00):
and had gone to the house andhad found him, that he had
passed away.
And I felt terrible.
I really was sad because Ithought of him, even though I
guess he was probably 30 yearsolder than me.
I thought of him like agrandfather in a way, and he was
(06:25):
just very sweet.
And that one really hit me andit hit Bill hard and we felt the
loss, you know, and his horsewas there and still and felt
sorry for the horse.
I mean, you know I'm sure hewondered where his dad was after
(06:48):
that and had his routine andall that but anyway, and found
out more about his life after hepassed away.
I mean, that's, the funny thingis that as you go through life
and people pass away, sometimesyou learn more about them at
their funerals or theirmemorials than you ever knew
(07:11):
about them when they were alive.
And I find that kind of ironicthat people that you know, or
that you like, or that you workwith, or that you live next to,
or whatever, you don't know themthat well until after they pass
away.
(07:31):
And so I've tried actively tofix that more and more.
But it's hard because sometimesyou don't get a chance to sit
down and say, hey, tell me aboutyour life, or tell me about how
you grew up, or tell me aboutwhat you did in your 20s or
however that goes.
Anyway, we found out more abouthim.
(07:54):
We saw pictures of him when hewas younger, we saw a picture of
his wife and it was hard, itwas a hard loss and it was hard,
it was a hard loss.
And then COVID started.
Covid came and my mom passedaway at the very, very beginning
(08:16):
of 2021, in January, and I wasjust getting over that.
I mean, I saw that coming andfor me, losing my mom was, I
guess, more of a relief than asadness, because my mom had been
(08:40):
suffering physically, she hadbeen dealing with some level of
dementia A lot of the time.
She was really clear too, but Idon't know that she was very
happy a lot of the time, and soa lot of ambivalent feelings,
(09:07):
right, but still, it's a bigtransition in my life, anybody's
life, when you lose yourparents.
So he's dealing with that.
And then it was my birthday andthen, all of a sudden, my boss
died four days later and my boss, ruth, didn't like COVID at all
(09:33):
.
It was very hard on her becauseRuth didn't like COVID at all.
It was very hard on her becausewe all in the office, we all
had to start working remotelyand one of Ruth's joys was
having us all in the office andseeing us all working and
working together and being there, and so she could touch us and
see us and talk to us and giveus more work, and working
(09:57):
remotely meant that she couldn'tsee what we were doing every
minute.
So COVID was really hard, butit was also really hard on her
because she couldn't go out anddo the things that she wanted to
do.
And she was finally vaccinatedfully and her friend was
vaccinated and they decided togo on a short trip to Santa
(10:19):
Barbara, which is, I guess,about 100 or so, maybe 150 miles
north.
They had brunch and they weregoing on the wine tours.
Then the next day they did somethings.
It was a Saturday, I think, buton Sunday her friend emailed me
(10:43):
and I didn't always check mywork email, but I did this day
and she said can you call me?
And I didn't know Carol thatwell, but I said okay.
So I called her and she gave methe news that Ruth had passed
away suddenly at the hotel of aheart attack, and that was
(11:06):
shocking.
That was the beginning of avery transitional time for a lot
of us.
Transitional time for a lot ofus, for me, sad time, a
challenging time, something thatI had never really expected to
(11:26):
happen and a catalyst for a lotof change in my life.
So I don't necessarily cryabout either one of these people
leaving this earth, but Irecognize the time that I spent
(11:55):
with them and I recognize theloss.
If you're a regular listener tothe Only Child Diaries podcast,
you know that last March we lostour horse, dallas, suddenly on
March 17th.
This is an anniversary that I'mreally dreading.
I've already had some emotionaltimes dealing with that.
(12:22):
I get angry, I get sad.
I've mostly gotten through thelast year by not thinking about
him.
It's really painful to thinkabout him and at some points it
(12:47):
feels like it was just the 23years that I had him was just a
dream.
I still have his photo on myphone, my lock screen, so every
time I open up my phone he'sthere.
I wouldn't have it any otherway.
He's always in my heart, but Idon't.
I don't know when I'll ever getover that.
(13:13):
I'm hoping that after thisone-year anniversary that I'll
feel better about it.
Maybe I don't know if you canever feel better about it.
You know there's some peopleand there's some animals and
there's some losses that youhave in your life that are
(13:38):
harder to get over than others,right, and this is one of them.
And one of those losses for mewas my first rabbit, hoover.
He passed away.
I think it was 2008.
That was a long time ago and Ican think about him now with a
(14:04):
smile.
I can laugh, I can talk abouthim without getting sad.
I can recognize the fact thatI'm happy that I had him.
But it took a while because atfirst I was devastated.
I don't want to think about ittoo much because I don't want to
(14:27):
go to that place.
But for me, go to that place.
But for me, dallas, 23 years,such a special soul.
It's also really hard to evenlook at any horse or talk about
horses or see horses on the TVor in a movie, hear a horse.
(14:52):
I mean, part of me would loveto go back because I miss being
around horses, but it's too hard.
It's still too hard right now.
So I'm sure at some point I'llhave figured out a way to work
through that.
At some point I'll have figuredout a way to work through that.
(15:15):
But right now that's where I'mat.
So I've got about another weekto go.
I actually have planned I'mgoing to take that day off
because it was a Sunday that hepassed away and this year it's a
Monday, so I'm going to takethat day off and I'm going to
figure out a way to beproductive and spend the day and
(15:39):
honor him and honor my memoryof him and our relationship and
not, you know, fall to pieces.
But it's hard, it's hard, it'shard, but still every day is a
gift.
So I'm not trying to be abummer, but it's really hard.
(16:02):
That's my March.
I'll be happy when April comesaround this year, but the
weather's getting better and I'mhappy about that and I love the
spring.
We've had a lot of rain, sothings are growing better.
I try to focus on that.
(16:22):
And work is busy.
I've got a lot of things to dofor work, so that's where I'm at
work, so that's where I'm at.
That is where I'm at.
(16:43):
So, yeah, I'm talking about lossand love and loss and
remembrance, and my friend,right after Dallas passed away,
my friend gave me a wind chime.
After Dallas passed away, myfriend gave me a wind chime.
It's one of those memorial windchimes that talks about if you
hear the wind, I'm in the wind,or think of me, and so sometimes
(17:06):
, when I'm out in the backyard,it'll chime, it'll be windy or
it'll be a breeze and it'llchime.
Sometimes it won't, butsometimes it does.
And every time it does I'll sayhi, dallas.
And it's funny because he was myboy and I know he loved me.
(17:29):
But there's something about him, that boy, and I know he loved
me, but there's something abouthim that he always acted like a
teenage boy.
He loved me and he wanted me todote on him, but at the same
time he was like, oh, mom, don'tmake such a fuss.
And so I know he'd be like, oh,come on, I must figure that
somehow he's here, he's stillhere with us in his spirit.
(18:08):
But boy, it's hard, it's hard,it's hard.
So, anyway, pull myselftogether.
Every day is a gift.
I still have my dog, eventhough she drives me crazy, and
I still have my cat, who I lovedearly.
(18:29):
Yeah, sorry.
So anyway, that's all I've gotfor today.
Next week, hopefully, we'lltackle a happier topic.
I can't make any promises,though, and yeah, no promises.
(18:54):
But yeah, next week we'lltackle another topic.
I'll do my best and I hopeyou'll join me.
If you like this episode,please follow the Only Child
Diaries podcast on ApplePodcasts or other platforms you
might listen on and considerrating Only Child Diaries and
(19:17):
writing a review.
It helps others to find us.
Please share it with a friendyou think might like it as well.
Visit my Instagram page OnlyChild Diaries or Facebook Only
Child Diaries podcast.
Thanks for listening.
I'm Tracy Wallace and these arethe Only Child Diaries.
Right, welcome to the Only Child Diaries podcast.
I'm your host, tracy Wallace.
Have you ever felt like youdidn't receive the how-to
brochure on life, that youdidn't get enough guidance about
major life issues?
So did I.
You don't have to be an onlychild to feel this way.
(00:22):
In my podcast, we'll exploresome of the best ways to better
navigate adulting, while doingso with humor and light.
Welcome everyone to the OnlyChild Diaries podcast.
(00:44):
Today, I'm going to talk aboutMarch.
It's March now, and well, marchhas traditionally been one of
my favorite months of the yearbecause it's my birthday month.
Yes, my birthday's March 22nd,and that's always been a special
(01:05):
day for me.
I've always celebrated mybirthday.
I think everybody shouldcelebrate their birthday, right,
I think that's very important.
But over the last several years, march has, well, it's seen
some difficult days, and so, asI go into March, I well, I'm
(01:34):
sort of dreading it Becausethere's some uncomfortable
anniversaries coming up.
Anniversaries coming up If youknow me, you know what they are,
but I'm trying to keep a stiffupper lip, I'm trying to keep a
smile on my face and I'm tryingto stay in the moment.
(01:58):
I'm trying to remember thatevery day is a gift.
Yes, I know every day is a gift.
Whether or not every day is ahappy day or a sad day, it's
still a gift.
It's very important to remember.
But yes, this year, especiallythis March, is going to be a
(02:19):
little bit difficult for me Nowin 2019,.
We lost our friend Manny rightafter my birthday and he was a
friend at the barn.
He was something of well now, Ihave to say, when Bill and I
(02:43):
were spending time at the barn,it was because Bill was working
at night and I would be there atnight to see and take care of
our horse and spend time andrelax and be outside.
And even though it wasnighttime, because it was
quieter at night, there wereless people at the time that I
went and I would get there likeeight or nine o'clock and so a
(03:05):
lot of people were already goneor in the process of leaving,
and so it was quieter because Ijust I wanted to not have to
well, interact with a lot of thepeople.
I already interacted with a lotof people during the day and,
being an only child, I alreadyinteracted with a lot of people
(03:26):
during the day and, being anonly child let's say that as
well I also, well, I interactedwith people all day long at my
job, right, and I just wantedsome quiet time to myself.
So less drama, less interaction.
It was great.
But Manny was one of thosepeople.
Even though he was, I think, inhis 80ies, he liked to be there
late at night.
(03:48):
And Manny was, I think, fromArgentina originally and he
started to befriend us.
He really enjoyed talking to us.
I mean, there weren't very manyother people in the barn either
, but he was barn either.
(04:12):
But he was great.
He was a character.
He used to be a jockey in hisyounger days and so he had a lot
of stories to tell.
And he also liked to talk, andso he would come and sit with us
as his horse was outside in apen or just relaxing or what
have you, and he would tell usstories.
He would talk about his wife,who had passed away several
(04:34):
years before, and how much hemissed her, and he would talk
about his son.
Manny lived close by, I think inStudio City, but his son lived
up in Camarillo, which is about,I'd say, maybe 50 miles or so,
and he would talk about his sonand how proud he was of his son,
(04:54):
and he would talk about hishorse and he was always so
diligent in saying, oh, I haveto take care of my horse, I have
to exercise my horse, I have totake care of my horse, I have
to exercise my horse.
And he was just Bill and I justreally enjoyed spending time
(05:15):
with him because he was a sweetman and we just really adored
him.
And then I remember one I thinkit was a Sunday that I was here
.
Sundays are never good thinkingabout it, or Sunday is like our
bad day.
Anyway, I was here one Sundayafternoon and my phone rang and
(05:39):
his son and I had exchangedphone numbers because I met him
once at the barn and he said letme have your phone.
Him once at the barn and hesaid let me have your phone
number in case something happens.
I said I'm sure and I took hisand he called and he said he
told me the bad news that he hadbeen unable to reach his dad
(06:00):
and had gone to the house andhad found him, that he had
passed away.
And I felt terrible.
I really was sad because Ithought of him, even though I
guess he was probably 30 yearsolder than me.
I thought of him like agrandfather in a way, and he was
(06:25):
just very sweet.
And that one really hit me andit hit Bill hard and we felt the
loss, you know, and his horsewas there and still and felt
sorry for the horse.
I mean, you know I'm sure hewondered where his dad was after
(06:48):
that and had his routine andall that but anyway, and found
out more about his life after hepassed away.
I mean, that's, the funny thingis that as you go through life
and people pass away, sometimesyou learn more about them at
their funerals or theirmemorials than you ever knew
(07:11):
about them when they were alive.
And I find that kind of ironicthat people that you know, or
that you like, or that you workwith, or that you live next to,
or whatever, you don't know themthat well until after they pass
away.
(07:31):
And so I've tried actively tofix that more and more.
But it's hard because sometimesyou don't get a chance to sit
down and say, hey, tell me aboutyour life, or tell me about how
you grew up, or tell me aboutwhat you did in your 20s or
however that goes.
Anyway, we found out more abouthim.
(07:54):
We saw pictures of him when hewas younger, we saw a picture of
his wife and it was hard, itwas a hard loss and it was hard,
it was a hard loss.
And then COVID started.
Covid came and my mom passedaway at the very, very beginning
(08:16):
of 2021, in January, and I wasjust getting over that.
I mean, I saw that coming andfor me, losing my mom was, I
guess, more of a relief than asadness, because my mom had been
(08:40):
suffering physically, she hadbeen dealing with some level of
dementia A lot of the time.
She was really clear too, but Idon't know that she was very
happy a lot of the time, and soa lot of ambivalent feelings,
(09:07):
right, but still, it's a bigtransition in my life, anybody's
life, when you lose yourparents.
So he's dealing with that.
And then it was my birthday andthen, all of a sudden, my boss
died four days later and my boss, ruth, didn't like COVID at all
(09:33):
.
It was very hard on her becauseRuth didn't like COVID at all.
It was very hard on her becausewe all in the office, we all
had to start working remotelyand one of Ruth's joys was
having us all in the office andseeing us all working and
working together and being there, and so she could touch us and
see us and talk to us and giveus more work, and working
(09:57):
remotely meant that she couldn'tsee what we were doing every
minute.
So COVID was really hard, butit was also really hard on her
because she couldn't go out anddo the things that she wanted to
do.
And she was finally vaccinatedfully and her friend was
vaccinated and they decided togo on a short trip to Santa
(10:19):
Barbara, which is, I guess,about 100 or so, maybe 150 miles
north.
They had brunch and they weregoing on the wine tours.
Then the next day they did somethings.
It was a Saturday, I think, buton Sunday her friend emailed me
(10:43):
and I didn't always check mywork email, but I did this day
and she said can you call me?
And I didn't know Carol thatwell, but I said okay.
So I called her and she gave methe news that Ruth had passed
away suddenly at the hotel of aheart attack, and that was
(11:06):
shocking.
That was the beginning of avery transitional time for a lot
of us.
Transitional time for a lot ofus, for me, sad time, a
challenging time, something thatI had never really expected to
(11:26):
happen and a catalyst for a lotof change in my life.
So I don't necessarily cryabout either one of these people
leaving this earth, but Irecognize the time that I spent
(11:55):
with them and I recognize theloss.
If you're a regular listener tothe Only Child Diaries podcast,
you know that last March we lostour horse, dallas, suddenly on
March 17th.
This is an anniversary that I'mreally dreading.
I've already had some emotionaltimes dealing with that.
(12:22):
I get angry, I get sad.
I've mostly gotten through thelast year by not thinking about
him.
It's really painful to thinkabout him and at some points it
(12:47):
feels like it was just the 23years that I had him was just a
dream.
I still have his photo on myphone, my lock screen, so every
time I open up my phone he'sthere.
I wouldn't have it any otherway.
He's always in my heart, but Idon't.
I don't know when I'll ever getover that.
(13:13):
I'm hoping that after thisone-year anniversary that I'll
feel better about it.
Maybe I don't know if you canever feel better about it.
You know there's some peopleand there's some animals and
there's some losses that youhave in your life that are
(13:38):
harder to get over than others,right, and this is one of them.
And one of those losses for mewas my first rabbit, hoover.
He passed away.
I think it was 2008.
That was a long time ago and Ican think about him now with a
(14:04):
smile.
I can laugh, I can talk abouthim without getting sad.
I can recognize the fact thatI'm happy that I had him.
But it took a while because atfirst I was devastated.
I don't want to think about ittoo much because I don't want to
(14:27):
go to that place.
But for me, go to that place.
But for me, dallas, 23 years,such a special soul.
It's also really hard to evenlook at any horse or talk about
horses or see horses on the TVor in a movie, hear a horse.
(14:52):
I mean, part of me would loveto go back because I miss being
around horses, but it's too hard.
It's still too hard right now.
So I'm sure at some point I'llhave figured out a way to work
through that.
At some point I'll have figuredout a way to work through that.
(15:15):
But right now that's where I'mat.
So I've got about another weekto go.
I actually have planned I'mgoing to take that day off
because it was a Sunday that hepassed away and this year it's a
Monday, so I'm going to takethat day off and I'm going to
figure out a way to beproductive and spend the day and
(15:39):
honor him and honor my memoryof him and our relationship and
not, you know, fall to pieces.
But it's hard, it's hard, it'shard, but still every day is a
gift.
So I'm not trying to be abummer, but it's really hard.
(16:02):
That's my March.
I'll be happy when April comesaround this year, but the
weather's getting better and I'mhappy about that and I love the
spring.
We've had a lot of rain, sothings are growing better.
I try to focus on that.
(16:22):
And work is busy.
I've got a lot of things to dofor work, so that's where I'm at
work, so that's where I'm at.
That is where I'm at.
(16:43):
So, yeah, I'm talking about lossand love and loss and
remembrance, and my friend,right after Dallas passed away,
my friend gave me a wind chime.
After Dallas passed away, myfriend gave me a wind chime.
It's one of those memorial windchimes that talks about if you
hear the wind, I'm in the wind,or think of me, and so sometimes
(17:06):
, when I'm out in the backyard,it'll chime, it'll be windy or
it'll be a breeze and it'llchime.
Sometimes it won't, butsometimes it does.
And every time it does I'll sayhi, dallas.
And it's funny because he was myboy and I know he loved me.
(17:29):
But there's something about him, that boy, and I know he loved
me, but there's something abouthim that he always acted like a
teenage boy.
He loved me and he wanted me todote on him, but at the same
time he was like, oh, mom, don'tmake such a fuss.
And so I know he'd be like, oh,come on, I must figure that
somehow he's here, he's stillhere with us in his spirit.
(18:08):
But boy, it's hard, it's hard,it's hard.
So, anyway, pull myselftogether.
Every day is a gift.
I still have my dog, eventhough she drives me crazy, and
I still have my cat, who I lovedearly.
(18:29):
Yeah, sorry.
So anyway, that's all I've gotfor today.
Next week, hopefully, we'lltackle a happier topic.
I can't make any promises,though, and yeah, no promises.
(18:54):
But yeah, next week we'lltackle another topic.
I'll do my best and I hopeyou'll join me.
If you like this episode,please follow the Only Child
Diaries podcast on ApplePodcasts or other platforms you
might listen on and considerrating Only Child Diaries and
(19:17):
writing a review.
It helps others to find us.
Please share it with a friendyou think might like it as well.
Visit my Instagram page OnlyChild Diaries or Facebook Only
Child Diaries podcast.
Thanks for listening.
I'm Tracy Wallace and these arethe Only Child Diaries.
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