The Brochure on Marriage #2

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In this episode, we're continuing on with some of the things I've learned about being married.  

People change. We evolve. I'm certainly not the same person who met my husband decades ago – I'm more confident for one.  I'm also more tired!  But yes, also carrying lessons from countless experiences that have shaped me. Marriage becomes an extraordinary adventure when we recognize this constant evolution and choose to grow together rather than apart.  But is it a choice?  

Looking back at proposals I declined in my youth (at 18 and again at 21), I'm grateful for understanding I needed independent experiences before committing to marriage. These decisions, though difficult, ultimately led me to a partnership that could flourish because we both had the emotional maturity to navigate life's complexities together.  It just took longer than I had hoped.  

What makes relationships last? I've discovered it's about compatibility across multiple dimensions – intellectual stimulation, emotional connection, and physical attraction working in harmony. Not surprisingly, I've noticed my husband shares certain characteristics with my father, highlighting how we're often drawn to the familiar. The difference lies in awareness and how we respond to these patterns.

Marriage involves compromises, certainly. But the reward is profound – not just connection with another person but a deeper understanding of yourself. Through challenges and triumphs shared, we discover aspects of ourselves that might otherwise remain hidden. This dance of growth, adaptation, and mutual support creates a partnership that's worth every effort it demands.

Want to continue exploring relationships together? Subscribe to Only Child Diaries, leave a review, and join me next week for more honest conversations about navigating life's most meaningful connections.

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Episode Transcript

Tracy (00:00):
I wasn't listening because I thought I was going to
hear an epiphany, but I did.
Welcome to the Only ChildDiaries podcast.
I'm your host, Tracy Wallace.
Have you ever felt like youdidn't receive the how-to
brochure on life, that youdidn't get enough guidance about

(00:22):
major life issues?
So did I.
You don't have to be an onlychild to feel this way.
In my podcast, we'll exploresome of the best ways to better
navigate adulting, while doingso with humor and light.
Welcome everyone to the OnlyChild Diaries podcast.

(00:56):
Today I'm going to talk aboutmarriage again.
I'm going to call this MarriagePart Two.
One of my previous episodes wasMarriage Part One.
Really, I was thinking I shouldcall it.
Really.
I was thinking I should call itAdventures in Marriage part two
, because marriage really is anadventure.
It really is.
Sometimes it's a challenge,sometimes it's frustrating, like

(01:18):
anything else, but marriage isan adventure.
I was listening to a podcastrecently, maybe a couple months
ago, and I didn't think that Iwas going to hear an epiphany,

(01:58):
but I did, and here it is.
The husband said the personthat you married today isn't the
person that you married whenyou got married.
The person has changed.
It's not the same person, and Iwas so struck by this thought,

(02:25):
this statement, this concept,because I realized it's true my
husband is not the same personthat he was when I met him.
I mean, we met and it took us17 and a half years to get

(02:46):
married.
So I think now we've beenmarried Um, it's going to be 15
years at the end of uh, 2025.
So it'd be 35 and a half yearsthat we will be 35 years in June
that we've been together about,35 years in June that we've
been together about.
So I'm not the same person thatI was when I met him.

(03:09):
I'm more confident, I'm moretired.
Certainly, I've been through alot more.
I've I've learned a lot.
I I guess I have differentexpectations of everything and

(03:31):
I've learned a lot abouteverything about my life and
about others, and certainlyabout myself.
Certainly about myself and justabout how to deal with people,
how to deal with the world andhow to how to approach problems
and everything.
Right, I mean, I probably had achance, and I'm not saying you

(04:00):
know that I was walking up thealtar by saying I had a chance.
I had a chance to probably bemarried when I was very young.
I was asked was I askedseriously.
I'm not really sure, but I wasasked when I was around 18 and I

(04:21):
I I don't really rememberexactly what I said, but I think
at the time I was, you know, Iwas swept away with the idea,
but I didn't say yes.
And then I was asked again whenI was probably 20, 21 or so,

(04:43):
and I definitely did not say yes.
Then it's not because I didn'twant to be with this person, but
I recognized that I needed toexperience things on my own,
that if I was married I wasn'tgoing to experience and I wasn't

(05:06):
going to be able to growemotionally in the same way that
I would if I was married.
At that point in time.
Yeah, that pretty muchencapsulates how I felt.
So I did not say yes and thatwas the end of, basically, of

(05:30):
our relationship.
I mean, not at that point, notat that moment, but it was the
beginning of the end of ourrelationship because we wanted
different things and I thinkthat he definitely just wanted

(05:50):
to be married and he did.
He went off and he met someoneelse, and I don't know what the
exact timing was, but he wentoff and married somebody else in
a matter of probably a fewyears and I think that they're
still married few years and Ithink that they're still married

(06:10):
and I'm that's great, you know,that's great.
That worked out for him and italso worked out for me.
So I know that if I had marriedthe first time that I got asked
that, that marriage would nothave lost, that marriage would

(06:32):
not have lasted.
And if I had gotten married thesecond time I was asked, I'm
thinking it probably wouldn'thave lasted either.
So I would have been divorcedtwo times when I met my current
husband, and there's nothingwrong with that husband and
there's nothing wrong with that.
But from what I've seen ofpeople getting married and

(06:53):
getting divorced, it's not theeasiest process in the world.
It's certainly not somethingthat you would hope for when you
start your married lifetogether, when you take your
vows.
It's not something that youwant to have happen, right.
It's not something that youintend to have happen.

(07:14):
So I think together we're notthe same people that we were
when we got married in 2010.
And that's okay, because as anindividual person, you grow and
change and develop in differentways.
Now, hopefully, you change anddevelop and learn and grow in

(07:38):
similar ways.
You don't grow apart.
I mean, obviously that happensas well, but things happen.
I mean, obviously that happensas well, but things happen.

(08:04):
Hopefully you're, you knowyou're compatible enough that
you kind of grow in similar waysand similar directions.
But you know, understandably,that's one of the challenges of
getting married, right?
So I thought that that was aninteresting concept, something
that I had never actuallythought about or verbalized or
read or realized or anything,that you're not.
The person that you're marriedto now is not the person that
you were first married to.
For what that's worth, am I, amI grateful that I didn't get

(08:28):
married when I was younger?
Yes, I am.
I, I think it's.
It's certainly something that Iwanted.
Um, I really wanted to bemarried.
I wanted to have that specialperson, that special support
that you have in a lovingrelationship, but that was just

(08:50):
not to be, for whatever reason.
And I was, you know, still in myforties, when, when we got
married, my late forties, I'llsay so that's what it is, and
marriage is a growing process.

(09:13):
It's like, really, anyfriendship, and a lot of
friendships, depending on theperson.
People put in effort infriendships.
They put in the effort, theyput in the time, they put in the
consideration Marriage in orderfor it to be successful, you
have to put in a lot of effortand a lot of time, obviously,

(09:37):
and you spend a lot of time withthis person and that's what
makes it work over the years, myhusband or picking the kind of
person that you find attractive.
My husband, bill, and I talkabout this sometimes because

(10:00):
there's some ways in which Billis so much like my dad and I
don't know that when I lookacross the spectrum of the guys
that I dated in my life and themen that I was most attracted to

(10:24):
in my life, I don't know thatthey were all like my dad.
My dad had certaincharacteristics that were very
prominent and I'm not going toshare what those were, because I
don't want to share aboutBill's.
I want to try to, you know,honor his privacy in that way

(10:48):
and also honor our relationshipto a certain extent.
Right, but there's certaincharacteristics that Bill has
that my dad had as well, andsome of those characteristics,
yes, are negative and Isometimes find myself thinking,

(11:12):
gosh, really, how did I end upwith this situation again?
But I realized that this issomething that happens in
relationships is that we'redrawn to the characteristics of
our parents, to thecharacteristics of our parents

(11:36):
and, for whatever reason, unlesswe work through that and unless
we really analyze why we aredrawn to that characteristic, it
feels comfortable for us right.
There are some characteristicsthat Bill has that are positive

(11:57):
characteristics that maybe mydad didn't have, and one of them
is advice.
I've talked about this before,that my dad never gave me any
advice and I think the good partabout my husband is that he
will offer advice.

(12:18):
Sometimes he offers very strongadvice and he, you know, matter
of factly tells me what to do,whether or not I ask him.
Sometimes I come to him and Isay look, you have a good sense
about things.
I want to ask your opinion onthis situation because maybe he

(12:42):
isn't familiar with it or hehasn't heard all the sides of it
, or he's not.
You know, I haven't complainedabout it or for whatever reason,
and I'll explain it, I'll layit out for him and he'll tell me
what he thinks and he will giveme advice.
So I think in that regardthat's one big part is that my

(13:05):
dad never gave me advice andBill is very, very open to
giving me advice, but he doesn'tjam it down my throat either,
but he doesn't, you know, jam itdown my throat.
Either he doesn't say you'vegot to do this or he's not
overbearing about, you know,telling me what to do all the
time, and I think it's a reallygood mix of some advice, no

(13:27):
advice, more advice, right?
I think that in that regard wetry to respect each other.
I know sometimes I've given himadvice he hasn't asked for it
and I feel like I've pushed myadvice too hard, but in the end

(13:51):
he knows what to do.
I feel like he knows what to doand he knows the right answer
for himself and that's what hedoes.
But certainly we've talkedthrough a lot of things when
we've been a little bit confused.
We're not sure where our moralcenter is on a certain topic.

(14:11):
I mean, that's a good part aboutmarriage and finding a person
that's compatible with youintellectually, emotionally and
physically.
I mean, of course there has tobe that physical attraction.
That goes without saying.

(14:33):
This is not the dark ages whenyou were matched up with
somebody that you never met.
I mean, I'm not sure exactlyhow that would work, but I think
you have to have that physicalattraction, but you also have to

(14:54):
have that emotional attractionand you have to have that
intellectual attraction and youhave to be able to work together
to you know common goal, acommon thought process.
Be in sync in your thoughtprocess, right?

(15:17):
It's very important becauseit's not just about one of those
things, it's about all of them.
And it's not just about one ofthose things, it's about all of
them.
So I think that comes with time.
I mean it should be there inthe beginning, there should be

(15:40):
the seeds of it, but it doescome in time.
And I think back to my friend,gina, who we lost in 2018.
And she had a very complicatedrelationship with men because
men absolutely obsessed over her.
They didn't really ever likeher or just love her.

(16:03):
They obsessed over her and soit was really hard for her to
have a real, true, normal kindof relationship.
I understand that because menwere so obsessed with her.

(16:26):
She was beautiful, she was adifferent kind of a woman and
she told me many times,especially towards the, you know
, she really didn't have what Icould see as a long-term deep

(16:57):
relationship.
She did, maybe in her earlieryears, but when I knew her, the
last 30 years of her life, shedidn't have that and she said
that she was okay being byherself and she had a very full
life by herself and I understandthat.

(17:17):
But I think that and certainlyif you're with somebody, if
you're married or you're withsomebody long term, yes, there
are things that you give up,there are compromises that you
have to make, but overall it'salso a deeper connection to a
person and it's a deeperconnection to yourself in a lot

(17:41):
of ways.
So I think that's what I haveto say about that today, and I'm
going to leave.
I'm going to leave my marriagediscussion for today at that.
So stay tuned.
We will have other marriagediscussions in the coming weeks.

(18:03):
Next week, yes, we will tackleanother topic together.
I hope you'll join me.
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(18:25):
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Thanks for listening.
I'm Tracy Wallace and these arethe only child diaries.