The Brochure on Marriage #3

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Have you ever had a revelation when someone you've known for years suddenly reveals themselves to be completely different from who you thought they were? Maybe you suddenly started spending a LOT of time with them and finally got to really KNOW them?  That somewhat jarring disconnect between perception and reality forms the heart of this episode's exploration into the complicated layers of our closest relationships. And let's face it, sometimes we just give people the benefit of the doubt, right?  

Drawing from a recent experience with a friend who surprised me—not in a positive way—I reflect on what happens when we discover someone isn't as intelligent, insightful, or aligned with our values as we once believed. This revelation led me to consider the implications for marriages and long-term partnerships: What if you make a lifetime commitment only to discover fundamental incompatibilities later? How well can we truly know another person before taking that leap?

My husband and I knew each other for 17.5 years before marrying, which gave us an unusually thorough understanding of each other. Yet even then, surprises emerged. This raises important questions about relationship navigation: What are your "hard nos" in a partnership? At what point does disappointment in someone's character or capabilities change how you value the relationship? These aren't just philosophical musings but practical considerations for anyone building meaningful connections. There's no one on this earth that I feel I would align with 100% but I'd like to be close, at least for a spouse.  

Between updates on my upcoming interview with Leslie Berlin, tales of tax preparation woes, and excitement about our elaborate Halloween decorations (we're the first in the canyon to start setting up!), this episode marks four years of the Only Child Diaries podcast. Thank you for joining me on this journey of exploration and growth. What unexpected discoveries have you made about people in your life? Share your thoughts and follow along as we continue unpacking the complexities of human relationships together.

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Episode Transcript

Tracy (00:00):
Let me tell you it's a complicated relationship.
Welcome to the Only ChildDiaries podcast.
I'm your host, Tracy Wallace.
Have you ever felt like youdidn't receive the how-to
brochure on life, that youdidn't get enough guidance about
major life issues?
So did I.
You don't have to be an onlychild to feel this way.

(00:24):
In my podcast, we'll exploresome of the best ways to better
navigate adulting, while doingso with humor and light.
Welcome everyone to the OnlyChild Diaries podcast.

(00:46):
Today, I'm going to talk about alot of different things, but
I'm going to talk about somethings as it relates to
relationships, and so that's whyI'm calling this the brochure
on marriage, part three, becauseI've talked about marriage
before, not really marriage perse, but things that relate to

(01:09):
marriage, things that havehappened to me or things that
I've learned about marriage inthe course of my time being
married, and there's a lot tolearn.
Let me tell you, it's acomplicated relationship.
It's got a lot of layers.
I mean, okay, maybe it doesn'thave to be complicated, but it

(01:30):
is complicated, it just is Allright.
So here's the basis of today'stopic, and that is have you ever
had a friend or someone thatyou know for a long time that
you thought you knew right.

(01:51):
And then comes an occurrence oran event where you start
spending more time with thisperson, you start working things
out with this person, you startworking things out with this
person, you start doing thingsor working towards a common goal
and you realize that maybe youdidn't really know this person.

(02:14):
Maybe some of the things thatyou thought about the person,
some of the values that youthought this person had, or some
of the smarts that this personhad, they didn't really have.
They are different than youkind of expected.

(02:36):
They are for whatever reason,but you got to know them and
maybe the depth or the ideologyor just the way that they think
things through is different thanyou expected.
And how does that relate?
How does that affect yourrelationship with that person?

(03:01):
Now, granted, I'm not talkingabout my marriage, but I'm
talking about a person that Iknow, a friend, right, and I
started thinking about whatwould happen if it was my
marriage, if it was my husband,or what would happen if it was

(03:22):
somebody, a couple, that I knewand they hadn't gotten to know
each other as well.
They got married and then theydiscovered, right, this
difference.
I mean, I'm lucky because myhusband and I knew each other
for well.
It's laughable.

(03:42):
We knew each other for 17 and ahalf years before we got married
and in a lot of ways it waslike we were married.
We acted like we were marriedmostly because of the time that
we were together.
There weren't a lot ofsurprises.
I mean, okay, there were somehere and there about each other,

(04:06):
but I think for the most partwe really got to know each other
, got to know each other, and Ithink we were both lucky in that
the parts that we didn't knowabout each other kind of went
along with what we expected.

(04:26):
I mean, you can't possibly knoweverything about another person
in the space of a year or fiveyears or probably even 10 years.
So when you start dating or youstart a relationship with
somebody or you make acommitment to spend the rest of

(04:46):
your life with a person, it'sstill kind of a guessing game.
Is this going to work long term?
So I started to think that thisis kind of an interesting topic
, an interesting thing to thinkabout and, sure, maybe, over the

(05:11):
course of time, the people thatI've dated, um, or the people
that I did date rather um, Istarted to learn about things
that I wanted in another person,values that I wanted, um
different factors, right Thingsthat I was looking for, that I

(05:35):
could accept, and things that Icouldn't accept.
What was a hard no for me?
It's a good question what's ahard no for you in a
relationship, especially adating relationship and
something that might go furtherlike an engagement or a marriage
?
Well, in terms of the friendthat I have, I can't say that

(06:03):
this is the first time that thishas ever happened, but I guess
I'm looking at the relationshipfor what it is and for what it
might be in the future and well,to say that I'm slightly
disappointed.
I guess it's not anunderstatement.

(06:25):
I am slightly disappointed.
Sometimes people surprise youin a way that they're smarter
than you thought they were, andsometimes people surprise you in
that they're not as smart asyou think they are.
Does it devalue your friendshipif they're not as smart?

(06:50):
If you feel like you're thesmarter one?
I don't know, maybe not, butit's something definitely to
take note of.
So that's an interestingdiscussion point, maybe for you
with some of your friends.
Now it's September, it'smid-September here, and I know I

(07:14):
promised you that I was goingto get you the interview edited
with Leslie Berlin this monthand I'm still working on that.
I haven't had as much time as Ithought I'd have because I've
been working and I've also beenworking on some other projects

(07:35):
here that have been taking up alot of time for me and I've also
oh gosh trying to finish ourtaxes.
Our taxes are very complicatedNot trying to toot my own horn
or anything, but our taxes arevery complicated, and earlier in
the year I realized that thewoman that had been doing our

(07:56):
taxes are very complicated.
And earlier in the year Irealized that the woman that had
been doing our taxes went MIA.
I'm not sure what happened toher.
I reached out to her inFebruary, march, several times.
I called her, texted her,emailed her.
Never heard back.
So I don't know if somethinghappened to her, if she just got

(08:19):
tired of us, if she changed hermind about, you know, having us
as clients.
But I had to find somebody elseto do a tax thing for my mom's
estate, which was on a veryshort timeframe thing for my

(08:40):
mom's estate, which was on avery short timeframe, and I had
had a conversation with her andshe knew about it.
But when push came to shove andthe deadline was looming.
She, she was totally MIA and soI'm not going to even bother
reaching out to her about ourtaxes, because why would I?
So I've been trying to puttogether all that for the new

(09:04):
guy and there's just a lot ofstuff to find.
There always is most of it'selectronic, which is good, but
it's I always put it off andthen I always hate myself for
putting it off.
And I've got most of the stuff,but there's a few files, a few
electronic files, that I'm stilllooking for and I just want to

(09:29):
hit my head on the wall with it.
Um, taxes are just a big painin the neck, right, okay?
So the next thing is that it'salso coming up on Halloween.
I know it's a month and a halfaway, I know, but we're starting
to decorate.
It was really hot here untilthis week.

(09:52):
It got it started to get, youknow, manageable I wouldn't say
it's fall yet, but it'smanageable.
So we've started putting up the, the, uh, the decorations, and
it's a lot of work.
I was out there yesterday justkind of well, I was in the
garage and I was just kind oflaughing at myself like what the

(10:14):
heck am I doing, but I've gotmost everything out of the
garage up in the front yard,which in and of itself was a
huge undertaking, and we've gotsome things up already.
I think we were the first inthe canyon to actually put

(10:35):
something out.
We've got the skeletons andsome cute little animals that
are out.
So, working on our headlesshorseman my husband I think he
wanted to shoot himselfyesterday too he's trying to

(10:56):
remember how to put it together,but we are getting there and
I'm hoping by the end of themonth, uh, we'll have everything
complete, because it's justthere's limited amounts of time
that I can put into it every day.
If I could just sit there anddo it, but I, I, I don't have
that kind of time.
So, anyway, that's pretty muchwhat I have to tell you right

(11:21):
now.
We're into our fourth season,our fourth year of the Only
Child Diaries podcast.
Thank you again for listening.
It's hard to believe that I'vebeen doing this this long, very
exciting.
Believe that I've been doingthis this long, very exciting.

(11:43):
Still have many messages toshare with you.
Thank you for listening, andnext week we're going to tackle
another topic together.
I hope you'll join me.
If you like this episode,please follow the Only Child
Diaries podcast on ApplePodcasts or other platforms you
might listen on and consider theOnly Child Diaries podcast on
Apple Podcasts or otherplatforms you might listen on
and consider rating Only ChildDiaries and writing a review.

(12:04):
It helps others to find us.
Please share it with a friendyou think might like it as well.
Visit my Instagram page OnlyChild Diaries or Facebook Only
Child Diaries Podcast.
Thanks for listening.
I'm Tracy Wallace and these arethe Only Child Diaries.