Ever wonder what happens when you try to support someone through a cremation ceremony and end up sprawled across cemetery steps instead? Life has a way of mixing profound moments with unexpected comedy.
Death remains one of our most challenging transitions – something many of us approach with hesitation, especially when supporting loved ones through the process. After losing my friend Neliya (who began as my friend's mother before becoming my friend too), I joined her daughter for a witness cremation ceremony nearly four weeks after her passing. The experience brought back memories of my own parents' cremations – the unexpected peace I found seeing my father looking restful, and the personal touches I added for my mother despite our complicated relationship: a letter, a camellia bloom, and her beloved See's candies.
What I didn't anticipate was taking a dramatic tumble outside a tiny cemetery bathroom, hitting my ribcage on concrete stairs while being rescued by mortuary staff. True to the phrase "no good deed goes unpunished," I continued supporting my friend despite the pain, only discovering at urgent care later that while my rib wasn't fractured, I had an unexpected lung condition requiring follow-up. Yet amid the physical discomfort came profound insight – watching my friend find peace after witnessing her mother's cremation confirmed something beautiful about honoring those we've lost. She found her own perfect way to say goodbye.
This episode explores how being present through someone's final journey – whether human or animal – represents one of our deepest expressions of respect and dignity. Join me for a conversation that balances raw honesty with gentle humor as we navigate life's most challenging transition together.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tracy (00:00):
This week.
I'm talking about the aftermathof a passing, the passing of my
friend Neliya, and I will betalking, although not terribly
in graphic detail, but I will betalking about the process of
cremation in very general terms.
(00:21):
I will also be adding humor tothe situation, but for those of
you that might be sensitive inthis regard, I just want to tell
you up front Welcome to theOnly Child Diaries podcast.
I'm your host, tracy Wallace.
(00:41):
Have you ever felt like youdidn't receive the how-to
brochure on life, that youdidn't get enough guidance about
major life issues?
So did I.
You don't have to be an onlychild to feel this way.
In my podcast, we'll exploresome of the best ways to better
navigate adulting, while doingso with humor and light.
(01:06):
Welcome everyone to the OnlyChild Diaries podcast.
Today I'm going to talk aboutsome things that happened this
week and tell you why.
One of my favorite phrases isno good deed goes unpunished.
(01:31):
That phrase seems to come up inmy life.
It's a theme often, but as youknow if you're a regular
listener.
Well, about a month ago I losta friend of mine and a friend's
mother.
(01:51):
She was both.
She was first a friend's motherand then she became my friend
Neliya.
She passed away on June 29thand this past week was her
cremation.
Now, if you're a little bithesitant about listening to
(02:13):
details about this, you mightwant to pass this part by.
I'm not going to get toographic, but I just want to be
sensitive to some of you thatmight not want to hear some of
the details.
Again, I won't get too graphic,but here in LA County, and
(02:33):
probably everywhere, you have towait for a permit to cremate.
It's based on, I guess, thedeath certificate, which we
still don't have, but it doescome from the county and it has
some relationship to the deathcertificate.
So we had to wait for that.
(02:53):
And so there it was almost fourweeks since she passed.
And another part of it was thather daughter wanted to do what
is called a witness cremation,where you're there when the
(03:13):
cremation takes place, at leastin the beginning, or that you
witness the whole thing,necessarily.
But you're there at thebeginning of the process.
And I'm not sure how she foundout about this.
(03:34):
I feel like I was the one thattold her, but she had mentioned
that somebody else had told her.
I found out about it becausewhen my dad passed away it was
something that the counselor atthe cemetery told myself and my
(03:55):
husband.
My dad had made hisprearrangements and he had
detailed out everything that hewanted, including to be
scattered at sea.
We still have his ashes here,because part of his arrangements
were that he just wanted hisashes to be taken out on a boat
(04:18):
with everyone else's ashes andscattered in a group, and I
wanted to do that myself.
However, when I got his ashesback, I wasn't quite ready to
let go, and so dad is here inthe house, as is my mom.
(04:38):
My mom did not make herarrangements, so she got the
same treatment, if you will, asmy dad.
That seemed only fitting, sothey're both in what used to be
their bedroom.
(05:19):
So what happened with my dad wasthat my husband and I went into
a room where my dad was in acardboard box, much the shape of
a casket, and the box wasclosed, and the box was closed,
and then they asked if the manthat there was one man that was
there.
He asked if we wanted to lookand I said no, I didn't.
But my husband did and helooked and he said oh, honey,
you should really.
I just I stepped away, Istepped to the far side of the
(05:41):
room because I didn't reallyknow what to expect, and he said
you should come and look.
And I did.
I wandered over and I was verygrateful that I did, because my
dad looked great.
They had done a great job withhim.
(06:04):
He looked just like he did inlife.
He looked peaceful, he lookedlike he was just asleep, and so
that was a great visual for bothof us to leave with.
We weren't allowed to see himpast that point.
(06:31):
You can hear the retorts working.
There's usually three of them,sometimes there's more,
sometimes I don't know.
I haven't been everywhere inthe world, but in that case
there were three and they'requite noisy.
For whatever reason.
They were covered by doors andartistically it was very nice
(06:57):
because they had stained glasson the windows and the doors
were.
I think the doors looked likethey were wooden doors.
It just looked like paneling.
I guess that's what I'm tryingto say.
(07:17):
So when my mom passed away, wedid the same thing, but we
weren't at the same cemeterycemetery and it was during COVID
and she had been there longerthan my dad and she was with a
different funeral home and theydidn't necessarily do as good of
(07:37):
a job on her.
She looked like herself, butshe definitely looked like she
was deceased.
I guess that's what I can say.
It didn't scare me or anything,but it was what it was.
(08:01):
They had told me that and Iguess I wish I had known this
with my dad that you could put aletter or something, flowers or
pictures or whatever in the boxwith them.
So I did write my mom a letter,which, again, if you're a
(08:23):
regular listener, you know I hada complicated relationship with
my mom.
So I sat down and I wrote aletter to her to put in.
I put in a camellia bloom fromone of our bushes that was in
the backyard.
It was blooming at that time.
It was blooming at that time,so I snipped that and took it
(08:44):
with me.
She also loved See's Candy.
So I had a box here and I put acouple of pieces in because I
didn't want to burn up a wholebox, a whole pound box.
(09:08):
Forgive me, mom, but let's berealistic.
I took a couple pieces in thebox and I put the box with her
because she always loved herSee's Candy.
She was wearing her clothes.
Dad was swaddled in a gauzesheet, mom was in her clothes.
Anyway, we went this week and Iwent with my friend.
She wasn't sure if she wantedto look at her mom, which I
(09:32):
totally understood.
That's not something, that'sfor everyone and I didn't have a
problem At least I said Ididn't have a problem looking.
I was unsure how this wasreally going to go, though.
(09:52):
I mean, let's be honest, younever know what you're going to
get.
It had been four weeks, so Icalled the mortuary the day
before and I asked the gal who Ihad gone with her.
I asked how's she looking?
I'm supposed to be the one tolook, and she said well, I don't
(10:16):
know what she looked like inlife, but she might look
different.
They said they couldn't dressher because her skin was fragile
, and I'll admit that I'm not.
I guess I kind of surprisedmyself, because death is
(10:38):
something that for me, is alittle scary.
I mean, if we're going to behonest, right, death is a little
intimidating because you don'tknow what you're going to get.
You don't know what's going tohappen.
You don't know how it's goingto, not.
So I wasn't sure if this was.
I didn't want to be freaked outeither.
(11:17):
Of course I want to be strong.
I've seen dead people.
I've watched people pass awaybut I don't want to be
terrorized or freaked out, but Iwant to be strong.
But anyway, she told me thatthey couldn't dress her mom
because her skin was too fragile.
And I've seen this gal onFacebook I guess she's probably
(11:43):
on Instagram too Lauren theMortician, and she's a trip
because she's probably I'mguessing she's probably in her
30s.
She's kind of hip, I guess.
Is that the word?
She's blonde.
She grew up.
(12:03):
Her parents owned or worked atthe mortuary.
They lived right there, which,come on, I guess you'd be
comfortable.
She played in the parking lotas a kid.
She grew up playing in thehallways of the mortuary.
Now she's a mortician.
(12:24):
Okay, I mean whatever works foryou, but she demystifies some
of the aspects of the mortuaryworld and parts of death and
I've learned a lot watching her.
She kind of makes some of itfunny.
People ask her questions andshe'll reach out and she'll
(12:45):
answer some of those questionson her Facebook reels.
So I've learned that there's apoint where sometimes skin is
too fragile to deal with, and sothis was one of the things that
came up when I called themortuary the day before and they
(13:05):
said that they couldn't dressher in the clothes that her
daughter picked, and I wasworried that that might really
upset her daughter.
So I said, well, okay, we had aconversation about who's going
to tell her and I decided itwould be better coming from me.
(13:29):
So I called her and I told herand she took it like a champ.
That's all I can say.
She was very calm.
I mean, you know that had thepossibility to really run off
the rails, but she, she took it.
Well, they did swaddle her.
So anyway, we met at themortuary, they put mom in the
hearse, we followed her down tothis little cemetery where they
(13:53):
do the cremations and my checkengine light came on.
Now my car.
I keep my car.
It's used.
Sure, it's older, it's old.
I'm not going to say it's old,it's older.
I forget how old it is.
I think it's 10 years old, butpeople will look at it and go.
(14:13):
I thought it was new.
I keep it in great shape.
This is like the first timethat the check engine lights
ever come on.
Well, okay, it came on one timebefore, but then it reset
itself and it went right off.
So we're on the freewayfollowing the hearse and my
check engine light comes on andI'm getting super stressed out
(14:34):
about this because it's my carand we're driving like at least
10 miles away and I'm like, oh,for goodness sakes, you know
what's going to happen.
Is it not going to start?
Are we going to be stuck in acemetery, which is one of my
worst nightmares?
Right, I mean okay, so anyway,we get there, find a parking
(15:03):
space.
I didn't even think about mycar anyway, so at that point.
So we go in and they're tryingto get everything set up for us
in this weird little I'm notgoing to say, I'm not going to
say the name of it.
No one is ever going to knowwhat this place is, because I
don't think anyone knows whatthis place is because it's so
obscure.
I've lived here my whole lifeand I've never heard or seen of
this cemetery.
(15:23):
But just in case, I'm just notgoing to say anything but the
building which held the officesand I guess what they call a
chapel, and the retort room andwhatever, all made of cinder
block.
So I mean, at least it's notgoing to burn down, safe, but I
(15:48):
mean, aesthetically it was notvery pretty.
It must be an old cemeterybecause they had these very old
gravestones big ones, littleones, old ones, leaning ones,
big angels, little angels.
But they also had new gravesbecause people had left
(16:10):
decorations.
Recently the grass was, you know, in parts it had sunken.
There were green parts, therewere a lot of brown parts.
The sprinklers are going off insome parts and the sprinklers
were, you know, had obviouslyneeded some work because the
(16:32):
sprinklers were not.
Some of them were going upwhere they should have been
going across, but I digress.
Okay, so they were positioningthe hearse.
We parked, we went inside andbecause this was kind of a long
process and a long drive, I saiddo you have a bathroom?
(16:54):
That was my first mistake Ifyou know me personally, and most
of you don't, but if you knowme personally, I'll tell you.
Now I have to go to thebathroom a lot.
It's just a thing with me, it'salways been a thing, and as
I've gotten older it hasn'tnecessarily got any better.
(17:16):
So they gave me a key, theytold me where it was and you had
to go from the outside to gointo this little room which was
like a closet with a toilet, andthere were two of them, and
what I noticed was is thatthere's a stair in front of the
door, which was a little odd.
(17:37):
But what was odder was that Iwent inside and it's a motion
detector light.
So I went in and I was peeingand then I was in there maybe
all of 30 seconds and the lightwent off.
And so again, one of my worstnightmares to be in any kind of
(18:00):
a mortuary cemetery situationand I'm in the dark, okay, but
anyway I moved and then thelight went back on.
I mean, talk about a shorttimer, right, I mean give it two
minutes or something, but 30seconds, give me a break.
(18:22):
So because there's no sunlight,there's no.
I mean it's dark, dark, it'sblack.
What if I was standing?
Anyway, I mean it's dark, dark,it's black.
What if I was standing?
Anyway, I move, okay, so finishwhat I'm doing and wash my
hands, open the door, grab thekey, walk out.
Now I'm so careful, let me justsay I am so careful because,
(18:49):
after having my knees redone andfalling on my knees once very
badly, I can tell you that,having knee replacements, my
knees are very sensitive to anykind of pressure.
I don't want to fall.
I'm also older and I don't wantto fall because falling is bad.
I'm so very careful everywhereI go, but I forgot that there
(19:15):
was a stair as you're coming inor out of this little stupid
room.
So I went to just walk outbecause I thought it was flat
and I fell.
Went to just walk out because Ithought it was flat and I fell,
and underneath the stair therethere's like a landing.
(19:39):
That was a moderate sizelanding and then there were two
more stairs that went down tothe driveway and so I fell and
because I'm a significant size,and because I'm a significant
size, I kept tumbling towardsthe stairs.
I literally thought I was goingto roll out onto the driveway
and hit my head, which I didn't,but I hit the top stair.
(20:03):
I ended up almost upside down,which was wonderful, but I ended
up hitting my rib cage on theedge of the top stair.
Now I've fallen a lot.
Okay, let me just take thatOuch.
(20:26):
Okay.
So it was definitely an ouchand it's embarrassing.
I've fallen a lot because Iused to ride horses.
I rode horses for what?
25 years or something.
I fell a lot.
I usually fell on soft dirt.
When you're riding, you fall onsofter in the arena.
(20:49):
I hate falling.
It's the worst feeling.
Well, it's not the worstfeeling ever, but it's a bad
feeling.
I guess I screamed, because myfriend said I screamed and
everyone came rushing over themortician, my friend and these
(21:11):
three guys that were workingthere and I think they were the
ones that were helping with hermom's box, right.
And so these two guys they'reall dressed in black, they've
got black shirts on and blackpants shirts on and black pants,
(21:34):
and big guys too.
And so they came rushing overand they picked me up, like I
was a feather, which was funny,but anyway and then they're
brushing me off because I waswearing all black too, so I had
dust and stuff on me.
And they're like are you okay?
And I'm like, yeah, I mean,what am I going to say?
(21:56):
I'm there to look at a deadbody for my friend and I've just
fallen and I think my rib isbroken.
But I'm just going to be atough, I'm just going to suck it
up.
Okay, just going to suck it up.
Did I mention no good deed goesunpunished.
So, anyway, onto the business athand.
(22:18):
So we went into this chapel andI said I'm fine and they said
do you want some water?
And I said that'd be great.
They brought me back this 16ounce bottle of water that was
almost completely frozen, whichI thought, okay, what am I going
to do with this?
But it turned out good.
I just stuck it on my chest, onmy rib cage later.
(22:40):
Anyway, we went in and I lookedat her mom and I put all the
things with her, I put thephotos and the letters, I did a
card too.
I wrote a card to her mom and Ijust thanked her and I just
(23:00):
said all the things that I wouldsay to her if she was there,
because it's my loss too.
I mean I feel bad for losingher.
She was part of my life fordecades, anyway.
So, yeah, I looked at her and itwasn't, it wasn't scary or
(23:24):
gross it um, but she didn't looklike herself, she.
She looked like someone else.
I mean she was her Definitely.
I mean I could tell that it washer.
She just didn't look likeherself.
Her skin tone was very dark,like she had gotten a really
(23:45):
deep tan.
I mean, nelia was already likean olive skin tone, but this was
really dark and they had puther favorite lipstick on, but
they had put it on like reallythick, and so it was really
bright and I said, could we justkind of dab that a little bit,
(24:13):
kind of tone it down, and thentoo much of it came off and that
was a bad thing, and so part ofher lip was exposed and anyway,
that's what it is.
So I went out and I and I told,I told her daughter, you know
that she didn't look bad.
Then she asked me the thereally the pivotal question was
(24:33):
does she look at peace?
And I went back in and I Icouldn't honestly say that she
looked at peace.
She looked just like she waswaiting at the DMV or something.
(24:54):
She looked kind of like here Iam kind of like here I am, you
know.
So I told her that and I thinkshe did want to look, but she
didn't want to be.
She didn't want to have a badimage in her head for the rest
(25:14):
of her life, which I totallyunderstand and I totally
appreciate, and this is not aneasy thing to do for anybody.
So we walked in and she stood ather feet, the side of the box
where her feet were, which wascloser to the doorway, and so
(25:35):
that way the flowers were kindof covering her vision of her
head and her head was kind ofyou know, it was flat anyway,
she wasn't propped up so shecould kind of see her head, but
she couldn't really get the fullview and she was able to touch
her feet and her legs and thatwas enough for her.
(25:58):
And she was.
Obviously she was very upsetbecause it's a tough thing to do
and to see, and so that wasenough.
And then the guys were like youknow, we got to, are we done?
They have a schedule to keepand it's very difficult when you
(26:19):
have a witness cremationbecause they have to fit you in
to the schedule, they have tokeep things moving.
So anyway, we were done.
So, as I told her before and Ithink other people told her too
that after this part was overshe was going to feel better,
she was going to feel more atpeace with the whole situation,
(26:43):
the whole loss.
Sure, she's still going to feelmiserable and miss her mom, but
she's going to feel better.
And it's true she did.
She told me.
She said I didn't believe youwhen you said that, but I do, I
feel more at peace, and sothat's a good thing, right,
that's a good thing.
We did go out to eat.
(27:03):
We went and got some food,which was also good.
I was slightly miserable but Iwanted to do that for her and
then I said I have to go.
I went over to an urgent careand I got an x-ray or two and
(27:28):
the good news is good news andbad news.
Good news is that my rib is notfractured.
I'm good.
I'm still in pain because Itook a pretty good hit there.
It's like somebody punched mein the side.
My rib is not fractured.
But the doctor came and told methat on the x-ray they saw that
(27:50):
I have this condition.
I'm not even going to begin topronounce it because there's no
way I can pronounce it, becausethere's no way I can't.
But it's this thing where hesaid my lungs at the bottom
aren't fully expanding withevery breath and I guess
(28:11):
sometimes it's caused by whenyou have surgery and you have
anesthesia which I haven't hadrecently, I haven't had in over
two years Other causes.
So he said it's mild, you justneed to take some deep breaths.
Okay, you just need to maybe dosome more exercise, some
(28:34):
aerobic exercise.
It kind of freaked me out alittle bit.
I looked it up.
So it kind of freaked me out alittle bit.
I looked it up.
I didn't really like everythingthat I saw.
So try to go see a doctor aboutthat, get some more information
.
(28:55):
I do feel out of breathsometimes, but I've also gained
weight because I've been kind ofstressed, and when I'm stressed
I eat.
And they weighed me at urgentcare against my wishes, and they
weighed me in kilograms, whichI was like, oh okay, this is
good.
But then they converted it onmy discharge report so I still
(29:16):
found out how much I weighed.
So I'm trying.
I am trying.
I know I need to lose weightbecause it's ridiculous.
I need to be healthy and whatelse.
And then I went to the cardealership and they couldn't
take me.
But they said you know, if thecar's driving, then you should
(29:36):
be okay.
They were too busy.
It was too late in the day bythe time I got there.
So that's for another day.
The weekend, friday andSaturday they're too busy.
In the meantime I hope thatwasn't too traumatic for those
of you that listened.
I know it's a lot to take in,but I think overall it wasn't
(30:00):
necessarily a bad experience.
I was glad that I could bethere for my friend and I was
glad to be there for her mom,who was my friend, amelia, and I
think the thing that you learnthrough this is that the person
really is gone.
Learn through this is that theperson really is gone.
(30:20):
Their spirit is really notthere anymore.
They're somewhere else.
And really, for us, the part ofwitnessing this came because
(30:41):
when Bill used to work at thebarn, there were a lot of horses
that were there, and so a lotof horses would pass away,
because horses are very fragileand they colic or they break
something or something elsehappens.
And so through the course ofthe years that he worked at the
barn, he saw a lot of horsesthat passed away.
And so what happens is that thehorse is there barn, he saw a
lot of horses that passed away,and so what happens is that the
(31:02):
horse is there and somebodycomes with a truck and they pick
up the horse and take it awayto whatever disposition they're
going to have, and so he wouldstay with the horse until the
truck came, which is somethingthat not every owner can do
until the truck came, which issomething that not every owner
(31:23):
can do.
We did it for Dallas.
It was very hard, but we did itbecause we cared about him and
we were already grief-stricken,but we wanted to be there for
him, and so Bill saw it as a wayto honor and respect that
animal and that life and thatpassing.
And so for us, the witnesscremation is kind of the same
(31:50):
thing.
You know, it's one way to kindof take that person's soul and
their you know the respect thatyou have for them and send them
on their way.
That's what it is.
Again, I hope it's not tootraumatic.
Next week I hope to have alighter topic for you.
(32:12):
I hope you'll join me If youlike this episode.
Please follow the Only ChildDiaries podcast on Apple
Podcasts or other platforms youmight listen on and consider
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It helps others to find us.
Please share it with a friendyou think might like it as well.
(32:35):
Visit my Instagram page OnlyChild Diaries or Facebook Only
Child Diaries Podcast.
Thanks for listening.
I'm Tracy Wallace and these arethe Only Child Diaries.
This week.
I'm talking about the aftermathof a passing, the passing of my
friend Neliya, and I will betalking, although not terribly
in graphic detail, but I will betalking about the process of
cremation in very general terms.
(00:21):
I will also be adding humor tothe situation, but for those of
you that might be sensitive inthis regard, I just want to tell
you up front Welcome to theOnly Child Diaries podcast.
I'm your host, tracy Wallace.
(00:41):
Have you ever felt like youdidn't receive the how-to
brochure on life, that youdidn't get enough guidance about
major life issues?
So did I.
You don't have to be an onlychild to feel this way.
In my podcast, we'll exploresome of the best ways to better
navigate adulting, while doingso with humor and light.
(01:06):
Welcome everyone to the OnlyChild Diaries podcast.
Today I'm going to talk aboutsome things that happened this
week and tell you why.
One of my favorite phrases isno good deed goes unpunished.
(01:31):
That phrase seems to come up inmy life.
It's a theme often, but as youknow if you're a regular
listener.
Well, about a month ago I losta friend of mine and a friend's
mother.
(01:51):
She was both.
She was first a friend's motherand then she became my friend
Neliya.
She passed away on June 29thand this past week was her
cremation.
Now, if you're a little bithesitant about listening to
(02:13):
details about this, you mightwant to pass this part by.
I'm not going to get toographic, but I just want to be
sensitive to some of you thatmight not want to hear some of
the details.
Again, I won't get too graphic,but here in LA County, and
(02:33):
probably everywhere, you have towait for a permit to cremate.
It's based on, I guess, thedeath certificate, which we
still don't have, but it doescome from the county and it has
some relationship to the deathcertificate.
So we had to wait for that.
(02:53):
And so there it was almost fourweeks since she passed.
And another part of it was thather daughter wanted to do what
is called a witness cremation,where you're there when the
(03:13):
cremation takes place, at leastin the beginning, or that you
witness the whole thing,necessarily.
But you're there at thebeginning of the process.
And I'm not sure how she foundout about this.
(03:34):
I feel like I was the one thattold her, but she had mentioned
that somebody else had told her.
I found out about it becausewhen my dad passed away it was
something that the counselor atthe cemetery told myself and my
(03:55):
husband.
My dad had made hisprearrangements and he had
detailed out everything that hewanted, including to be
scattered at sea.
We still have his ashes here,because part of his arrangements
were that he just wanted hisashes to be taken out on a boat
(04:18):
with everyone else's ashes andscattered in a group, and I
wanted to do that myself.
However, when I got his ashesback, I wasn't quite ready to
let go, and so dad is here inthe house, as is my mom.
(04:38):
My mom did not make herarrangements, so she got the
same treatment, if you will, asmy dad.
That seemed only fitting, sothey're both in what used to be
their bedroom.
(05:19):
So what happened with my dad wasthat my husband and I went into
a room where my dad was in acardboard box, much the shape of
a casket, and the box wasclosed, and the box was closed,
and then they asked if the manthat there was one man that was
there.
He asked if we wanted to lookand I said no, I didn't.
But my husband did and helooked and he said oh, honey,
you should really.
I just I stepped away, Istepped to the far side of the
(05:41):
room because I didn't reallyknow what to expect, and he said
you should come and look.
And I did.
I wandered over and I was verygrateful that I did, because my
dad looked great.
They had done a great job withhim.
(06:04):
He looked just like he did inlife.
He looked peaceful, he lookedlike he was just asleep, and so
that was a great visual for bothof us to leave with.
We weren't allowed to see himpast that point.
(06:31):
You can hear the retorts working.
There's usually three of them,sometimes there's more,
sometimes I don't know.
I haven't been everywhere inthe world, but in that case
there were three and they'requite noisy.
For whatever reason.
They were covered by doors andartistically it was very nice
(06:57):
because they had stained glasson the windows and the doors
were.
I think the doors looked likethey were wooden doors.
It just looked like paneling.
I guess that's what I'm tryingto say.
(07:17):
So when my mom passed away, wedid the same thing, but we
weren't at the same cemeterycemetery and it was during COVID
and she had been there longerthan my dad and she was with a
different funeral home and theydidn't necessarily do as good of
(07:37):
a job on her.
She looked like herself, butshe definitely looked like she
was deceased.
I guess that's what I can say.
It didn't scare me or anything,but it was what it was.
(08:01):
They had told me that and Iguess I wish I had known this
with my dad that you could put aletter or something, flowers or
pictures or whatever in the boxwith them.
So I did write my mom a letter,which, again, if you're a
(08:23):
regular listener, you know I hada complicated relationship with
my mom.
So I sat down and I wrote aletter to her to put in.
I put in a camellia bloom fromone of our bushes that was in
the backyard.
It was blooming at that time.
It was blooming at that time,so I snipped that and took it
(08:44):
with me.
She also loved See's Candy.
So I had a box here and I put acouple of pieces in because I
didn't want to burn up a wholebox, a whole pound box.
(09:08):
Forgive me, mom, but let's berealistic.
I took a couple pieces in thebox and I put the box with her
because she always loved herSee's Candy.
She was wearing her clothes.
Dad was swaddled in a gauzesheet, mom was in her clothes.
Anyway, we went this week and Iwent with my friend.
She wasn't sure if she wantedto look at her mom, which I
(09:32):
totally understood.
That's not something, that'sfor everyone and I didn't have a
problem At least I said Ididn't have a problem looking.
I was unsure how this wasreally going to go, though.
(09:52):
I mean, let's be honest, younever know what you're going to
get.
It had been four weeks, so Icalled the mortuary the day
before and I asked the gal who Ihad gone with her.
I asked how's she looking?
I'm supposed to be the one tolook, and she said well, I don't
(10:16):
know what she looked like inlife, but she might look
different.
They said they couldn't dressher because her skin was fragile
, and I'll admit that I'm not.
I guess I kind of surprisedmyself, because death is
(10:38):
something that for me, is alittle scary.
I mean, if we're going to behonest, right, death is a little
intimidating because you don'tknow what you're going to get.
You don't know what's going tohappen.
You don't know how it's goingto, not.
So I wasn't sure if this was.
I didn't want to be freaked outeither.
(11:17):
Of course I want to be strong.
I've seen dead people.
I've watched people pass awaybut I don't want to be
terrorized or freaked out, but Iwant to be strong.
But anyway, she told me thatthey couldn't dress her mom
because her skin was too fragile.
And I've seen this gal onFacebook I guess she's probably
(11:43):
on Instagram too Lauren theMortician, and she's a trip
because she's probably I'mguessing she's probably in her
30s.
She's kind of hip, I guess.
Is that the word?
She's blonde.
She grew up.
(12:03):
Her parents owned or worked atthe mortuary.
They lived right there, which,come on, I guess you'd be
comfortable.
She played in the parking lotas a kid.
She grew up playing in thehallways of the mortuary.
Now she's a mortician.
(12:24):
Okay, I mean whatever works foryou, but she demystifies some
of the aspects of the mortuaryworld and parts of death and
I've learned a lot watching her.
She kind of makes some of itfunny.
People ask her questions andshe'll reach out and she'll
(12:45):
answer some of those questionson her Facebook reels.
So I've learned that there's apoint where sometimes skin is
too fragile to deal with, and sothis was one of the things that
came up when I called themortuary the day before and they
(13:05):
said that they couldn't dressher in the clothes that her
daughter picked, and I wasworried that that might really
upset her daughter.
So I said, well, okay, we had aconversation about who's going
to tell her and I decided itwould be better coming from me.
(13:29):
So I called her and I told herand she took it like a champ.
That's all I can say.
She was very calm.
I mean, you know that had thepossibility to really run off
the rails, but she, she took it.
Well, they did swaddle her.
So anyway, we met at themortuary, they put mom in the
hearse, we followed her down tothis little cemetery where they
(13:53):
do the cremations and my checkengine light came on.
Now my car.
I keep my car.
It's used.
Sure, it's older, it's old.
I'm not going to say it's old,it's older.
I forget how old it is.
I think it's 10 years old, butpeople will look at it and go.
(14:13):
I thought it was new.
I keep it in great shape.
This is like the first timethat the check engine lights
ever come on.
Well, okay, it came on one timebefore, but then it reset
itself and it went right off.
So we're on the freewayfollowing the hearse and my
check engine light comes on andI'm getting super stressed out
(14:34):
about this because it's my carand we're driving like at least
10 miles away and I'm like, oh,for goodness sakes, you know
what's going to happen.
Is it not going to start?
Are we going to be stuck in acemetery, which is one of my
worst nightmares?
Right, I mean okay, so anyway,we get there, find a parking
(15:03):
space.
I didn't even think about mycar anyway, so at that point.
So we go in and they're tryingto get everything set up for us
in this weird little I'm notgoing to say, I'm not going to
say the name of it.
No one is ever going to knowwhat this place is, because I
don't think anyone knows whatthis place is because it's so
obscure.
I've lived here my whole lifeand I've never heard or seen of
this cemetery.
(15:23):
But just in case, I'm just notgoing to say anything but the
building which held the officesand I guess what they call a
chapel, and the retort room andwhatever, all made of cinder
block.
So I mean, at least it's notgoing to burn down, safe, but I
(15:48):
mean, aesthetically it was notvery pretty.
It must be an old cemeterybecause they had these very old
gravestones big ones, littleones, old ones, leaning ones,
big angels, little angels.
But they also had new gravesbecause people had left
(16:10):
decorations.
Recently the grass was, you know, in parts it had sunken.
There were green parts, therewere a lot of brown parts.
The sprinklers are going off insome parts and the sprinklers
were, you know, had obviouslyneeded some work because the
(16:32):
sprinklers were not.
Some of them were going upwhere they should have been
going across, but I digress.
Okay, so they were positioningthe hearse.
We parked, we went inside andbecause this was kind of a long
process and a long drive, I saiddo you have a bathroom?
(16:54):
That was my first mistake Ifyou know me personally, and most
of you don't, but if you knowme personally, I'll tell you.
Now I have to go to thebathroom a lot.
It's just a thing with me, it'salways been a thing, and as
I've gotten older it hasn'tnecessarily got any better.
(17:16):
So they gave me a key, theytold me where it was and you had
to go from the outside to gointo this little room which was
like a closet with a toilet, andthere were two of them, and
what I noticed was is thatthere's a stair in front of the
door, which was a little odd.
(17:37):
But what was odder was that Iwent inside and it's a motion
detector light.
So I went in and I was peeingand then I was in there maybe
all of 30 seconds and the lightwent off.
And so again, one of my worstnightmares to be in any kind of
(18:00):
a mortuary cemetery situationand I'm in the dark, okay, but
anyway I moved and then thelight went back on.
I mean, talk about a shorttimer, right, I mean give it two
minutes or something, but 30seconds, give me a break.
(18:22):
So because there's no sunlight,there's no.
I mean it's dark, dark, it'sblack.
What if I was standing?
Anyway, I mean it's dark, dark,it's black.
What if I was standing?
Anyway, I move, okay, so finishwhat I'm doing and wash my
hands, open the door, grab thekey, walk out.
Now I'm so careful, let me justsay I am so careful because,
(18:49):
after having my knees redone andfalling on my knees once very
badly, I can tell you that,having knee replacements, my
knees are very sensitive to anykind of pressure.
I don't want to fall.
I'm also older and I don't wantto fall because falling is bad.
I'm so very careful everywhereI go, but I forgot that there
(19:15):
was a stair as you're coming inor out of this little stupid
room.
So I went to just walk outbecause I thought it was flat
and I fell.
Went to just walk out because Ithought it was flat and I fell,
and underneath the stair therethere's like a landing.
(19:39):
That was a moderate sizelanding and then there were two
more stairs that went down tothe driveway and so I fell and
because I'm a significant size,and because I'm a significant
size, I kept tumbling towardsthe stairs.
I literally thought I was goingto roll out onto the driveway
and hit my head, which I didn't,but I hit the top stair.
(20:03):
I ended up almost upside down,which was wonderful, but I ended
up hitting my rib cage on theedge of the top stair.
Now I've fallen a lot.
Okay, let me just take thatOuch.
(20:26):
Okay.
So it was definitely an ouchand it's embarrassing.
I've fallen a lot because Iused to ride horses.
I rode horses for what?
25 years or something.
I fell a lot.
I usually fell on soft dirt.
When you're riding, you fall onsofter in the arena.
(20:49):
I hate falling.
It's the worst feeling.
Well, it's not the worstfeeling ever, but it's a bad
feeling.
I guess I screamed, because myfriend said I screamed and
everyone came rushing over themortician, my friend and these
(21:11):
three guys that were workingthere and I think they were the
ones that were helping with hermom's box, right.
And so these two guys they'reall dressed in black, they've
got black shirts on and blackpants shirts on and black pants,
(21:34):
and big guys too.
And so they came rushing overand they picked me up, like I
was a feather, which was funny,but anyway and then they're
brushing me off because I waswearing all black too, so I had
dust and stuff on me.
And they're like are you okay?
And I'm like, yeah, I mean,what am I going to say?
(21:56):
I'm there to look at a deadbody for my friend and I've just
fallen and I think my rib isbroken.
But I'm just going to be atough, I'm just going to suck it
up.
Okay, just going to suck it up.
Did I mention no good deed goesunpunished.
So, anyway, onto the business athand.
(22:18):
So we went into this chapel andI said I'm fine and they said
do you want some water?
And I said that'd be great.
They brought me back this 16ounce bottle of water that was
almost completely frozen, whichI thought, okay, what am I going
to do with this?
But it turned out good.
I just stuck it on my chest, onmy rib cage later.
(22:40):
Anyway, we went in and I lookedat her mom and I put all the
things with her, I put thephotos and the letters, I did a
card too.
I wrote a card to her mom and Ijust thanked her and I just
(23:00):
said all the things that I wouldsay to her if she was there,
because it's my loss too.
I mean I feel bad for losingher.
She was part of my life fordecades, anyway.
So, yeah, I looked at her and itwasn't, it wasn't scary or
(23:24):
gross it um, but she didn't looklike herself, she.
She looked like someone else.
I mean she was her Definitely.
I mean I could tell that it washer.
She just didn't look likeherself.
Her skin tone was very dark,like she had gotten a really
(23:45):
deep tan.
I mean, nelia was already likean olive skin tone, but this was
really dark and they had puther favorite lipstick on, but
they had put it on like reallythick, and so it was really
bright and I said, could we justkind of dab that a little bit,
(24:13):
kind of tone it down, and thentoo much of it came off and that
was a bad thing, and so part ofher lip was exposed and anyway,
that's what it is.
So I went out and I and I told,I told her daughter, you know
that she didn't look bad.
Then she asked me the thereally the pivotal question was
(24:33):
does she look at peace?
And I went back in and I Icouldn't honestly say that she
looked at peace.
She looked just like she waswaiting at the DMV or something.
(24:54):
She looked kind of like here Iam kind of like here I am, you
know.
So I told her that and I thinkshe did want to look, but she
didn't want to be.
She didn't want to have a badimage in her head for the rest
(25:14):
of her life, which I totallyunderstand and I totally
appreciate, and this is not aneasy thing to do for anybody.
So we walked in and she stood ather feet, the side of the box
where her feet were, which wascloser to the doorway, and so
(25:35):
that way the flowers were kindof covering her vision of her
head and her head was kind ofyou know, it was flat anyway,
she wasn't propped up so shecould kind of see her head, but
she couldn't really get the fullview and she was able to touch
her feet and her legs and thatwas enough for her.
(25:58):
And she was.
Obviously she was very upsetbecause it's a tough thing to do
and to see, and so that wasenough.
And then the guys were like youknow, we got to, are we done?
They have a schedule to keepand it's very difficult when you
(26:19):
have a witness cremationbecause they have to fit you in
to the schedule, they have tokeep things moving.
So anyway, we were done.
So, as I told her before and Ithink other people told her too
that after this part was overshe was going to feel better,
she was going to feel more atpeace with the whole situation,
(26:43):
the whole loss.
Sure, she's still going to feelmiserable and miss her mom, but
she's going to feel better.
And it's true she did.
She told me.
She said I didn't believe youwhen you said that, but I do, I
feel more at peace, and sothat's a good thing, right,
that's a good thing.
We did go out to eat.
(27:03):
We went and got some food,which was also good.
I was slightly miserable but Iwanted to do that for her and
then I said I have to go.
I went over to an urgent careand I got an x-ray or two and
(27:28):
the good news is good news andbad news.
Good news is that my rib is notfractured.
I'm good.
I'm still in pain because Itook a pretty good hit there.
It's like somebody punched mein the side.
My rib is not fractured.
But the doctor came and told methat on the x-ray they saw that
(27:50):
I have this condition.
I'm not even going to begin topronounce it because there's no
way I can pronounce it, becausethere's no way I can't.
But it's this thing where hesaid my lungs at the bottom
aren't fully expanding withevery breath and I guess
(28:11):
sometimes it's caused by whenyou have surgery and you have
anesthesia which I haven't hadrecently, I haven't had in over
two years Other causes.
So he said it's mild, you justneed to take some deep breaths.
Okay, you just need to maybe dosome more exercise, some
(28:34):
aerobic exercise.
It kind of freaked me out alittle bit.
I looked it up.
So it kind of freaked me out alittle bit.
I looked it up.
I didn't really like everythingthat I saw.
So try to go see a doctor aboutthat, get some more information
.
(28:55):
I do feel out of breathsometimes, but I've also gained
weight because I've been kind ofstressed, and when I'm stressed
I eat.
And they weighed me at urgentcare against my wishes, and they
weighed me in kilograms, whichI was like, oh okay, this is
good.
But then they converted it onmy discharge report so I still
(29:16):
found out how much I weighed.
So I'm trying.
I am trying.
I know I need to lose weightbecause it's ridiculous.
I need to be healthy and whatelse.
And then I went to the cardealership and they couldn't
take me.
But they said you know, if thecar's driving, then you should
(29:36):
be okay.
They were too busy.
It was too late in the day bythe time I got there.
So that's for another day.
The weekend, friday andSaturday they're too busy.
In the meantime I hope thatwasn't too traumatic for those
of you that listened.
I know it's a lot to take in,but I think overall it wasn't
(30:00):
necessarily a bad experience.
I was glad that I could bethere for my friend and I was
glad to be there for her mom,who was my friend, amelia, and I
think the thing that you learnthrough this is that the person
really is gone.
Learn through this is that theperson really is gone.
(30:20):
Their spirit is really notthere anymore.
They're somewhere else.
And really, for us, the part ofwitnessing this came because
(30:41):
when Bill used to work at thebarn, there were a lot of horses
that were there, and so a lotof horses would pass away,
because horses are very fragileand they colic or they break
something or something elsehappens.
And so through the course ofthe years that he worked at the
barn, he saw a lot of horsesthat passed away.
And so what happens is that thehorse is there barn, he saw a
lot of horses that passed away,and so what happens is that the
(31:02):
horse is there and somebodycomes with a truck and they pick
up the horse and take it awayto whatever disposition they're
going to have, and so he wouldstay with the horse until the
truck came, which is somethingthat not every owner can do
until the truck came, which issomething that not every owner
(31:23):
can do.
We did it for Dallas.
It was very hard, but we did itbecause we cared about him and
we were already grief-stricken,but we wanted to be there for
him, and so Bill saw it as a wayto honor and respect that
animal and that life and thatpassing.
And so for us, the witnesscremation is kind of the same
(31:50):
thing.
You know, it's one way to kindof take that person's soul and
their you know the respect thatyou have for them and send them
on their way.
That's what it is.
Again, I hope it's not tootraumatic.
Next week I hope to have alighter topic for you.
(32:12):
I hope you'll join me If youlike this episode.
Please follow the Only ChildDiaries podcast on Apple
Podcasts or other platforms youmight listen on and consider
rating Only Child Diaries andwriting a review.
It helps others to find us.
Please share it with a friendyou think might like it as well.
(32:35):
Visit my Instagram page OnlyChild Diaries or Facebook Only
Child Diaries Podcast.
Thanks for listening.
I'm Tracy Wallace and these arethe Only Child Diaries.
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