April 1, 2025 • 19 mins
The uncomfortable and often frustrating truth about healthcare is that being heard by your doctor isn't guaranteed—it's something you must sometimes fight for. Through relatable personal stories about navigating my husband's chronic conditions, I explore why questioning medical authority isn't just acceptable, but necessary for proper care. The bottom line is I care deeply for my husband, and I'll fight for what he needs. That doesn't mean it's always easy.
After accompanying my husband to nearly 100 doctor visits over the years, I've witnessed firsthand how communication breakdowns between patients and physicians can lead to frustrating, and sometimes dangerous, healthcare gaps. Our recent encounter with a dismissive pain management doctor who repeatedly talked over us highlights a critical problem in medicine today: the difference between hearing and listening.
Most striking was the generational divide revealed when my aging parents confessed their complete, unquestioning trust in doctors—a concept that made my head "nearly explode." Today's healthcare landscape requires patients to advocate fiercely for themselves while balancing respect for medical expertise with healthy skepticism. Whether you're managing a chronic condition or simply attending routine check-ups, the skills of self-advocacy, preparation, and persistence have become essential tools for receiving proper care. Remember: the doctor is a person, not a god, and the "squeaky wheel" approach sometimes becomes necessary when your health is at stake. What experiences have shaped your approach to doctor-patient relationships?
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tracy (00:00):
I remember my parents, towards the end of their lives,
saying that they fully trustedtheir doctors.
They didn't ever question theirdoctors, and my head almost
exploded.
Welcome to the Only ChildDiaries podcast.
I'm your host, Tracy Wallace.
Have you ever felt like youdidn't receive the how-to
(00:22):
brochure on life, that youdidn't get enough guidance about
major life issues?
So did I.
You don't have to be an onlychild to feel this way.
In my podcast, we'll exploresome of the best ways to better
navigate adulting, while doingso with humor and light.
(00:43):
Welcome everyone to the OnlyChild Diaries podcast.
Today I'm going to talk aboutdoctors and doctor visits.
It seems that when I thinkabout the majority of my life,
(01:05):
it's working, taking care of theanimals, the pets and doctors
Doctor visits for my husband andfor myself, but mostly for my
husband.
Having a chronic condition, achronic illness and other
(01:28):
conditions that go along withthat being a type 1 diabetic for
over 50 years causes a lot ofissues.
So this last week we finallyhad an appointment with a pain
management doctor that we hadseen before.
My husband has occasionalflare-ups of nerve pain in his
(01:55):
feet and it's been a real issueto try to manage that pain,
mostly because the well.
We've tried everything, we'vetalked to many doctors about it
and they've prescribed differentthings for him, but nothing's
(02:19):
worked.
Obviously, the doctors are notinterested in prescribing
narcotics.
That's become a very touchysubject.
I don't know how the addicts,or anyone that's addicted to a
narcotic, gets them these days.
(02:40):
It must be a trick, but nothingelse has really worked for some
of his bad episodes.
And he doesn't have it veryoften, I would say maybe once a
month, maybe once every twomonths.
It's very occasional, luckilyso that every time it would
(03:28):
trigger the nerve, I guess,would trigger the pain, he would
have a physical response and hewould jerk.
So he was unable to sleep,really unable to do much of
anything, and you could see thathe was really in distress, he
(03:49):
was in physical pain.
So again, we've talked toseveral doctors, almost all of
his regular doctors about it and, the world being what it is,
doctors can't just prescribenarcotics anymore.
(04:12):
Maybe you all know this, butdoctors can't prescribe
narcotics unless there's a verycompelling reason for it.
Because when they do prescribenarcotics and I'm not talking
about anything, I mean I don'tthink anything too bad.
We're not talking about loadsand loads of pills.
(04:32):
We're talking about.
You know, Tramadol or Norco,maybe you know 10 or 15 of them.
They're flagged by, I guess,the FDA or well, whoever
monitors this, I'm not sure.
So unless there's a surgery orlike a broken bone, maybe they
(04:57):
can't prescribe pain meds likethat, so they send you to a pain
doctor.
Now, we had seen this oneparticular pain doctor.
We we've seen another paindoctor in the past and that went
a lot easier.
But the doctor that led us tothat pain doctor, we don't see
(05:19):
him anymore because, well,because he, because well,
because he didn't take greatcare of my husband at that point
.
So that's another trickysubject.
But we had seen this particularpain doctor a year ago and he
(05:41):
did not want to prescribeanything for Bill that you know,
any of the narcotics.
He wanted to try a lidocaine IVtreatment where they would run
lidocaine through your body.
That didn't seem veryattractive, but hold on, very
(06:07):
attractive, but hold on.
He wanted to do a surgicalprocedure where they would put
electrodes at the base of Bill'sspine which he said would
stimulate, I guess, somethingthat would counteract the pain.
But in order to do that youwould have to go through
psychological testing orsomething.
Okay.
And then there was anotherQutenza, which was treatment
(06:31):
applied in the office and it'slike a patch or a wrap that you
put on the affected area andbasically what it is is it's
derived from hot peppers.
We've tried that before as atopical and it doesn't work.
Now, the two other treatmentsthe lidocaine and the electrodes
(06:52):
we didn't really like thoseideas.
We didn't really like thoseideas.
But we went back to Bill'sdoctor, who acts as his primary
physician, and talked to himabout those and he said no to
both.
He said that those were badideas for Bill.
So we didn't follow up with thedoctor on those.
(07:17):
So we saw Bill's podiatristrecently and we had a long
heart-to-heart with her and shesaid you know you should go back
to the pain doctor, I'll have aconversation with him.
And okay, bill didn't want to.
It made him mad, I don't blamehim and she said I'll have a
(07:41):
talk with him.
And I felt really bad because Italked Bill into going back and
I said it'll be okay.
Long story short, we went thisweek and it was bad.
You know, we've seen togetherprobably close to 100 doctors in
(08:08):
our lives together and some ofthe doctors have been second
opinions.
Some of them have been doctorsthat we saw for a while.
Some of them have been thedoctors that we have now, and so
we have a lot of experiencewith doctors and I think there's
a baseline where you need to,first of all, be true to
(08:33):
yourself.
You need to remember that thedoctor is still a person.
He's not a god.
She is not a god.
You need to hold themaccountable for how they're
treating you and you need to tryto communicate and have them
communicate with you.
I remember my parents, towardsthe end of their lives, saying
(08:58):
that they fully trusted theirdoctors.
They didn't ever question theirdoctors, and my head almost
exploded at that, because, ofcourse, you should question your
doctors.
Doctors can make mistakes.
So we, we went in and I and Ireminded Bill this is funny
(09:25):
because I reminded Billbeforehand to remain calm.
He can, he can have a temper.
Uh, we, we tried to, you know,communicate with the doctor
about what had happened, aboutthe, the two day pain episode,
why we were back.
He brought up again.
(09:46):
He brought up the lidocaine, hebrought up the electrodes, he
brought up the cutenza patchesand he seemed unwilling to
really discuss narcotics andthis was counterintuitive to
what we had, what I haddiscussed with the, with the
doctor's office, the podiatristdoctor's office, and I realized
(10:08):
that you know, there's a there'sa point in a conversation, when
you're going back and forth,that you realize that the other
person isn't listening.
And listening is really key toa conversation with a doctor.
Let's face it.
You need to be heard and youneed to be listened to, and that
(10:34):
doctor needs to, and thatdoctor needs to really
understand where you're comingfrom, to treat you appropriately
and to be a good doctor.
Right, the other thing that thisguy was doing was he would
(11:02):
start talking over the end ofall of our sentences, all of our
sentences, and there's nothingthat really ticks me off more
than somebody who will not letme or my husband finish a
thought, finish a sentence.
I don't know about you, butthat is annoying, especially
(11:23):
when you're not trying to speakfor an hour or 25 minutes, or
you're just trying to get outone sentence.
You're trying to communicateone idea and somebody is not
letting you finish and somebodywho's treating you, somebody who
is a medical professional.
So I went what I call full onTracy.
(11:54):
I started being well, showingmy frustration.
I started telling him that hewasn't listening because I could
see it in his face.
He is like his eyes were empty.
He wasn't listening and I toldhim you're not allowing us to
finish our thoughts or sentences.
You're not listening.
You need to listen to us.
You know why aren't youlistening?
(12:15):
And he was just infuriating.
And I also know that, and I hadthis conversation with Bill the
other day.
When we go to the doctor or adoctor, sometimes I end up
(12:36):
explaining more about it allthan Bill does and I know
sometimes people think, oh well,she's probably too controlling
or oh, she's taking over, or oh,I should be listening to the
patient.
But, as Bill explained to me,he doesn't feel like he
communicates as well.
(12:56):
He doesn't feel like he's moreshy, he doesn't like to talk,
he's just, by nature, he's justa quiet person, unless he's mad.
Um.
So I kind of took over and Iwas explaining to this guy that
(13:21):
that he wasn't listening and Ididn't think that this was going
to change his mind in terms ofprescribing narcotics.
But I also could tell that hewas young and there's there's
nothing wrong with being young,because there's a lot of doctors
that are young, that are verygood at what they do.
(13:42):
But being a doctor means thatyou need to listen and you need
to show compassion.
And at one point I asked himwhy did he want to become a pain
management doctor and he saidthat it was because he wanted to
treat people who had pain andhe wanted to work to end the
(14:05):
opioid crisis.
That was one of my first cluesthat he wasn't that old, because
the opioid crisis, in my mind,is something that is newer than
older.
Right when we got home I lookedhim up, because I'd never
(14:26):
actually looked him up.
Usually I look up doctors.
There's health grades, there'sreviews that you can find on
doctors.
He doesn't have any reviews onhealth grades, by the way, and
you can find out how old thedoctor is and where he went to
school, which I think is kind ofimportant sometimes.
And he's only been practicingmedicine for two years Now.
(14:50):
Again, just because you're youngdoesn't mean you're bad.
We've actually been to doctorswho have been very young and
have really been on it, andthey've been excellent doctors.
For Bill this guy not so much.
Now, how do other people feelabout it?
(15:14):
I don't know, but we ended uphaving a conversation with
Bill's endocrinologistafterwards and she's more
seasoned.
She also really knows us verywell and she's very
compassionate and she's probablyone of the smartest people I
know, and she said she agreedwith us that we were not treated
(15:39):
fairly.
But she said that people justdon't understand my husband and
they don't understand his uniqueneeds.
And how would people know that?
How would a doctor know that?
Well, from listening right.
So I think the lesson here isthat if you have any condition
(16:04):
that you need to see a doctorfor, you need to be heard, you
need to feel listened to and youneed to feel like they're
really trying to address yourissues right, and if you don't
get that, you need to try tofind someone who will listen to
you.
(16:25):
I know that I've had much betterluck finding doctors to treat
my husband.
I mean, granted, we've beenthrough a lot of doctors for him
to find the team that we havenow, but for myself it's not
always been so positive of anexperience.
I've really struggled to findsomebody who is a general
(16:49):
practitioner or an internist.
For myself, I do have aninternist now who does my
physicals, but I don't reallyfeel a connection to her.
She's a little sarcastic, whichI don't mind.
Sarcasm because I'm sarcastic.
Little sarcastic which I don'tmind.
(17:12):
Sarcasm because I'm sarcastic,but I had my physical recently
and as soon as that 15 minuteswas up, she was in the room with
me.
As soon as that 15 minutes wasup, she had her foot out the
door and any additionalquestions that I had I got very
short answers with, and that's.
You know, that's not the kindof relationship that I'd like
(17:34):
with my doctor.
I guess maybe she feels thatI'm doing okay, but I guess I
would like a little bit moreinput on my own health.
That's a little frustrating,but I keep trying to find
somebody.
It's hard to find somebody good, I think that's knowledgeable.
(17:56):
I talked to her about at leastone of my issues that I've seen
a specialist for and she said Idon't know what that is.
So that was okay.
Well, maybe you didn't readthat chapter of the book.
Okay, well, maybe you didn'tread that chapter of the book.
So we keep persevering.
Anyway, that's my medical storyfor the week.
(18:23):
I hope that you feel comfortablewith your own doctors, whatever
your conditions might be orwhatever they are in the future,
and again, advocate foryourself and advocate for your
health and advocate for thehealth of your loved ones,
because there's a way to getpeople to listen to you and to
get what is it?
(18:44):
The squeaky wheel gets thegrease when your loved ones need
help.
They need medical attention.
Sometimes they also need you toget the attention of the
doctors right.
You need to get the treatment.
The better treatment, thebetter doctors.
So that's what I have for today, folks.
(19:07):
Next week, well, we'll tackleanother topic together.
I hope you'll join me.
If you like this episode,please follow the Only Child
Diaries podcast on ApplePodcasts or other platforms you
might listen on and considerrating Only Child Diaries and
(19:27):
writing a review.
It helps others to find us.
Please share it with a friendyou think might like it as well.
Visit my Instagram page OnlyChild Diaries or Facebook Only
Child Diaries Podcast.
Thanks for listening.
I'm Tracy Wallace and these arethe only child diaries.
I remember my parents, towards the end of their lives,
saying that they fully trustedtheir doctors.
They didn't ever question theirdoctors, and my head almost
exploded.
Welcome to the Only ChildDiaries podcast.
I'm your host, Tracy Wallace.
Have you ever felt like youdidn't receive the how-to
(00:22):
brochure on life, that youdidn't get enough guidance about
major life issues?
So did I.
You don't have to be an onlychild to feel this way.
In my podcast, we'll exploresome of the best ways to better
navigate adulting, while doingso with humor and light.
(00:43):
Welcome everyone to the OnlyChild Diaries podcast.
Today I'm going to talk aboutdoctors and doctor visits.
It seems that when I thinkabout the majority of my life,
(01:05):
it's working, taking care of theanimals, the pets and doctors
Doctor visits for my husband andfor myself, but mostly for my
husband.
Having a chronic condition, achronic illness and other
(01:28):
conditions that go along withthat being a type 1 diabetic for
over 50 years causes a lot ofissues.
So this last week we finallyhad an appointment with a pain
management doctor that we hadseen before.
My husband has occasionalflare-ups of nerve pain in his
(01:55):
feet and it's been a real issueto try to manage that pain,
mostly because the well.
We've tried everything, we'vetalked to many doctors about it
and they've prescribed differentthings for him, but nothing's
(02:19):
worked.
Obviously, the doctors are notinterested in prescribing
narcotics.
That's become a very touchysubject.
I don't know how the addicts,or anyone that's addicted to a
narcotic, gets them these days.
(02:40):
It must be a trick, but nothingelse has really worked for some
of his bad episodes.
And he doesn't have it veryoften, I would say maybe once a
month, maybe once every twomonths.
It's very occasional, luckilyso that every time it would
(03:28):
trigger the nerve, I guess,would trigger the pain, he would
have a physical response and hewould jerk.
So he was unable to sleep,really unable to do much of
anything, and you could see thathe was really in distress, he
(03:49):
was in physical pain.
So again, we've talked toseveral doctors, almost all of
his regular doctors about it and, the world being what it is,
doctors can't just prescribenarcotics anymore.
(04:12):
Maybe you all know this, butdoctors can't prescribe
narcotics unless there's a verycompelling reason for it.
Because when they do prescribenarcotics and I'm not talking
about anything, I mean I don'tthink anything too bad.
We're not talking about loadsand loads of pills.
(04:32):
We're talking about.
You know, Tramadol or Norco,maybe you know 10 or 15 of them.
They're flagged by, I guess,the FDA or well, whoever
monitors this, I'm not sure.
So unless there's a surgery orlike a broken bone, maybe they
(04:57):
can't prescribe pain meds likethat, so they send you to a pain
doctor.
Now, we had seen this oneparticular pain doctor.
We we've seen another paindoctor in the past and that went
a lot easier.
But the doctor that led us tothat pain doctor, we don't see
(05:19):
him anymore because, well,because he, because well,
because he didn't take greatcare of my husband at that point
.
So that's another trickysubject.
But we had seen this particularpain doctor a year ago and he
(05:41):
did not want to prescribeanything for Bill that you know,
any of the narcotics.
He wanted to try a lidocaine IVtreatment where they would run
lidocaine through your body.
That didn't seem veryattractive, but hold on, very
(06:07):
attractive, but hold on.
He wanted to do a surgicalprocedure where they would put
electrodes at the base of Bill'sspine which he said would
stimulate, I guess, somethingthat would counteract the pain.
But in order to do that youwould have to go through
psychological testing orsomething.
Okay.
And then there was anotherQutenza, which was treatment
(06:31):
applied in the office and it'slike a patch or a wrap that you
put on the affected area andbasically what it is is it's
derived from hot peppers.
We've tried that before as atopical and it doesn't work.
Now, the two other treatmentsthe lidocaine and the electrodes
(06:52):
we didn't really like thoseideas.
We didn't really like thoseideas.
But we went back to Bill'sdoctor, who acts as his primary
physician, and talked to himabout those and he said no to
both.
He said that those were badideas for Bill.
So we didn't follow up with thedoctor on those.
(07:17):
So we saw Bill's podiatristrecently and we had a long
heart-to-heart with her and shesaid you know you should go back
to the pain doctor, I'll have aconversation with him.
And okay, bill didn't want to.
It made him mad, I don't blamehim and she said I'll have a
(07:41):
talk with him.
And I felt really bad because Italked Bill into going back and
I said it'll be okay.
Long story short, we went thisweek and it was bad.
You know, we've seen togetherprobably close to 100 doctors in
(08:08):
our lives together and some ofthe doctors have been second
opinions.
Some of them have been doctorsthat we saw for a while.
Some of them have been thedoctors that we have now, and so
we have a lot of experiencewith doctors and I think there's
a baseline where you need to,first of all, be true to
(08:33):
yourself.
You need to remember that thedoctor is still a person.
He's not a god.
She is not a god.
You need to hold themaccountable for how they're
treating you and you need to tryto communicate and have them
communicate with you.
I remember my parents, towardsthe end of their lives, saying
(08:58):
that they fully trusted theirdoctors.
They didn't ever question theirdoctors, and my head almost
exploded at that, because, ofcourse, you should question your
doctors.
Doctors can make mistakes.
So we, we went in and I and Ireminded Bill this is funny
(09:25):
because I reminded Billbeforehand to remain calm.
He can, he can have a temper.
Uh, we, we tried to, you know,communicate with the doctor
about what had happened, aboutthe, the two day pain episode,
why we were back.
He brought up again.
(09:46):
He brought up the lidocaine, hebrought up the electrodes, he
brought up the cutenza patchesand he seemed unwilling to
really discuss narcotics andthis was counterintuitive to
what we had, what I haddiscussed with the, with the
doctor's office, the podiatristdoctor's office, and I realized
(10:08):
that you know, there's a there'sa point in a conversation, when
you're going back and forth,that you realize that the other
person isn't listening.
And listening is really key toa conversation with a doctor.
Let's face it.
You need to be heard and youneed to be listened to, and that
(10:34):
doctor needs to, and thatdoctor needs to really
understand where you're comingfrom, to treat you appropriately
and to be a good doctor.
Right, the other thing that thisguy was doing was he would
(11:02):
start talking over the end ofall of our sentences, all of our
sentences, and there's nothingthat really ticks me off more
than somebody who will not letme or my husband finish a
thought, finish a sentence.
I don't know about you, butthat is annoying, especially
(11:23):
when you're not trying to speakfor an hour or 25 minutes, or
you're just trying to get outone sentence.
You're trying to communicateone idea and somebody is not
letting you finish and somebodywho's treating you, somebody who
is a medical professional.
So I went what I call full onTracy.
(11:54):
I started being well, showingmy frustration.
I started telling him that hewasn't listening because I could
see it in his face.
He is like his eyes were empty.
He wasn't listening and I toldhim you're not allowing us to
finish our thoughts or sentences.
You're not listening.
You need to listen to us.
You know why aren't youlistening?
(12:15):
And he was just infuriating.
And I also know that, and I hadthis conversation with Bill the
other day.
When we go to the doctor or adoctor, sometimes I end up
(12:36):
explaining more about it allthan Bill does and I know
sometimes people think, oh well,she's probably too controlling
or oh, she's taking over, or oh,I should be listening to the
patient.
But, as Bill explained to me,he doesn't feel like he
communicates as well.
(12:56):
He doesn't feel like he's moreshy, he doesn't like to talk,
he's just, by nature, he's justa quiet person, unless he's mad.
Um.
So I kind of took over and Iwas explaining to this guy that
(13:21):
that he wasn't listening and Ididn't think that this was going
to change his mind in terms ofprescribing narcotics.
But I also could tell that hewas young and there's there's
nothing wrong with being young,because there's a lot of doctors
that are young, that are verygood at what they do.
(13:42):
But being a doctor means thatyou need to listen and you need
to show compassion.
And at one point I asked himwhy did he want to become a pain
management doctor and he saidthat it was because he wanted to
treat people who had pain andhe wanted to work to end the
(14:05):
opioid crisis.
That was one of my first cluesthat he wasn't that old, because
the opioid crisis, in my mind,is something that is newer than
older.
Right when we got home I lookedhim up, because I'd never
(14:26):
actually looked him up.
Usually I look up doctors.
There's health grades, there'sreviews that you can find on
doctors.
He doesn't have any reviews onhealth grades, by the way, and
you can find out how old thedoctor is and where he went to
school, which I think is kind ofimportant sometimes.
And he's only been practicingmedicine for two years Now.
(14:50):
Again, just because you're youngdoesn't mean you're bad.
We've actually been to doctorswho have been very young and
have really been on it, andthey've been excellent doctors.
For Bill this guy not so much.
Now, how do other people feelabout it?
(15:14):
I don't know, but we ended uphaving a conversation with
Bill's endocrinologistafterwards and she's more
seasoned.
She also really knows us verywell and she's very
compassionate and she's probablyone of the smartest people I
know, and she said she agreedwith us that we were not treated
(15:39):
fairly.
But she said that people justdon't understand my husband and
they don't understand his uniqueneeds.
And how would people know that?
How would a doctor know that?
Well, from listening right.
So I think the lesson here isthat if you have any condition
(16:04):
that you need to see a doctorfor, you need to be heard, you
need to feel listened to and youneed to feel like they're
really trying to address yourissues right, and if you don't
get that, you need to try tofind someone who will listen to
you.
(16:25):
I know that I've had much betterluck finding doctors to treat
my husband.
I mean, granted, we've beenthrough a lot of doctors for him
to find the team that we havenow, but for myself it's not
always been so positive of anexperience.
I've really struggled to findsomebody who is a general
(16:49):
practitioner or an internist.
For myself, I do have aninternist now who does my
physicals, but I don't reallyfeel a connection to her.
She's a little sarcastic, whichI don't mind.
Sarcasm because I'm sarcastic.
Little sarcastic which I don'tmind.
(17:12):
Sarcasm because I'm sarcastic,but I had my physical recently
and as soon as that 15 minuteswas up, she was in the room with
me.
As soon as that 15 minutes wasup, she had her foot out the
door and any additionalquestions that I had I got very
short answers with, and that's.
You know, that's not the kindof relationship that I'd like
(17:34):
with my doctor.
I guess maybe she feels thatI'm doing okay, but I guess I
would like a little bit moreinput on my own health.
That's a little frustrating,but I keep trying to find
somebody.
It's hard to find somebody good, I think that's knowledgeable.
(17:56):
I talked to her about at leastone of my issues that I've seen
a specialist for and she said Idon't know what that is.
So that was okay.
Well, maybe you didn't readthat chapter of the book.
Okay, well, maybe you didn'tread that chapter of the book.
So we keep persevering.
Anyway, that's my medical storyfor the week.
(18:23):
I hope that you feel comfortablewith your own doctors, whatever
your conditions might be orwhatever they are in the future,
and again, advocate foryourself and advocate for your
health and advocate for thehealth of your loved ones,
because there's a way to getpeople to listen to you and to
get what is it?
(18:44):
The squeaky wheel gets thegrease when your loved ones need
help.
They need medical attention.
Sometimes they also need you toget the attention of the
doctors right.
You need to get the treatment.
The better treatment, thebetter doctors.
So that's what I have for today, folks.
(19:07):
Next week, well, we'll tackleanother topic together.
I hope you'll join me.
If you like this episode,please follow the Only Child
Diaries podcast on ApplePodcasts or other platforms you
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