The Brochure on Yet More Closure

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If you're a regular listener you already know I've talked a lot about grief.  It gets to be a bigger part of life as you go along.  

Saying goodbye isn't a single moment but a journey that unfolds in unexpected layers over time. After keeping my horse Dallas's stall for over a year following his sudden passing, I 'm finally facing the last tie with the barn - giving up his stall.  This wasn't just about emptying a locker filled with dusty memories, but about acknowledging that a 23-year chapter of my life had truly ended.

Throughout my life, I've navigated numerous losses with relative success—parents, friends, pets, colleagues. Yet the grief of losing Dallas hit differently. He wasn't just my horse; he represented a 25-year passion that structured my daily routine, introduced me to lasting friendships, and brought my husband and me together in shared joy. When Dallas died without warning, everything changed abruptly.

The night visit to the barn to begin clearing out his belongings brought mixed emotions—the comfort of touching another horse's soft nose, the ache of remembering our routine, the tears that came after whispering "Good night Dallas, I love you" one final time. That moment captured the essence of grief: sometimes it waits until we feel safe enough to let it surface. For anyone struggling with loss—whether fresh or lingering—the most important advice I can offer is simple yet powerful: be gentle with yourself. There's no timeline for healing, no perfect path through pain. Closure comes not when we force it, but when we're finally ready to accept it.

Join me each week as we explore the challenges of adulting with honesty, vulnerability and gentle humor. Whether you're an only child or simply someone navigating life's complexities, you'll find companionship, wisdom, and permission to be exactly where you are on your journey.

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Episode Transcript

Tracy (00:00):
I didn't touch the ground , but I touched the wall there
and I just I talked to him for afew minutes.
Welcome to the Only ChildDiaries podcast.
I'm your host, Tracy Wallace.
Have you ever felt like youdidn't receive the how-to
brochure on life, that youdidn't get enough guidance about

(00:22):
major life issues?
So did I.
You don't have to be an onlychild to feel this way.
In my podcast, we'll exploresome of the best ways to better
navigate adulting, while doingso with humor and light.
Welcome everyone to the OnlyChild Diaries podcast.

(00:58):
Today I'm going to talk aboutclosure again, it seems that
there's many layers to closureand when I talk about closure,
I'm talking about grief.
Is that a surprise?
Yes, grief, closure.
So if you've been listeninglately, you know that I've been

(01:31):
going through helping my friend,or my well, she was originally
my friend's sister, now she's myfriend because her mother, who
is also my friend, passed awayat the end of June.
And I've been going throughthat helping her, being there,
supporting her in herdecision-making and dealing with
my own grief and sense of loss.
And that's one thing, andthat's just something that goes

(01:54):
along with life, especially asyou start to get older, I found.
But what I'm talking abouttoday is closure.
Again another layer with theloss of my horse, Dallas.
He passed away last March, so ayear ago, march, almost a year
and a half ago and during thattime now don't judge me During

(02:20):
that time we had kept his stall.
Um, just because we weren'tsure in the beginning what we
were going to do, did we want tobuy another horse?
I mean, everything changed soabruptly, so quickly he passed
away.

(02:40):
We didn't have any warning.
My whole horse hobby life,leisure life, changed
dramatically.
I was there every day, almostevery day.
Everything changed.
So in the beginning we didn'twant to make any rash decisions.

(03:02):
We had a good stall, so we paida portion of the full board to
keep it.
And I'll admit, when I talkabout grief and when I talk to
other people about grief, I, forthe most part, have managed to

(03:24):
work through a lot of griefsuccessfully.
I would say.
You know, I've lost a lot ofanimals.
Then there's my parents, ofcourse, my dad, my mom, my best

(03:50):
friend, close friends that I'veknown at the barn.
A lot of people passed away whowere our friends, people that
surprised us, people that Iworked with my boss at one point
.
So I think that I'vesuccessfully navigated that, but
I'm here to tell you that theloss of my horse, having him for
23 years, was super painful andit was something that I've

(04:15):
really had a hard time facingand dealing with and working
through.
It's just too painful, just toopainful.
But there comes a time when yourealize that you need to move on
, for whatever reason, and thereare several reasons why
financial, emotional, justlogistically.

(04:39):
Financial emotional, justlogistically.
And I made the decision to giveup the stall recently, which
I'd been thinking about a lot,and so the other night we went
to go clean out some of theitems in the locker that we had,

(05:01):
and I knew that it wasn't goingto be something that we
wouldn't be able to get throughin one swoop.
I'd only been there once sinceDallas passed away and I wasn't
really sure how this was goingto go and I wasn't really sure
how this was going to go.

(05:22):
It was.
It was, in some ways it waseasier than I thought and in
some ways it was harder.
It's uncomfortable, it'ssomething that I guess I wish I
didn't have to go through,period, but I'm going to do it.

(05:42):
We got through the first half.
There's a lot of.
There's a lot of dust in there.
I mean a lot of dust becauseeven though the locker was
closed, locked up, all this time, there's little you know slits
in the door, it's not anairtight seal or anything, and
so there's just a lot of dust ina barn, let's face it.
And so there's a lot of dust.

(06:04):
There's a lot of cobwebs, a lotof spiders, probably.
We went at night so that wewouldn't run into anyone.
We went late, so I gave Bubby,our cat, his medicine and then
we left, got over there, andthen we had to come back for his

(06:24):
insulin shot.
We only saw one friend who wasthere.
So that was, I mean, aspainless as it's going to be.
I did get to touch my friend'shorse's nose, which, if you've
never touched a horse's nose,it's such a soft, sweet thing I

(06:45):
don't know how to explain it Ifyou haven't done it.
It's like a big finger orsomething, and they kind of
reach out and they nuzzle youwith it.
It's very soft, it's very kindof squishy the skin is, and it's

(07:05):
just a really nice feeling tofeel that way.
But is it something that I wantto get back into?
I guess not.
It's just so it's so weird topull away from that, because it
was such a big part of my lifefor 25 years and before we had

(07:27):
Dallas, you know, I took lessonsand I was there at the barn a
lot and I made a lot of friendsand it was our life, it was the
focus.
He had this gift with horsesand something that he would

(07:50):
never have known about before.
Right Before me, before thebarn, I was always encouraging
him to go and he was always like, yeah, yeah, okay, yeah, and
then he went and he really gotwrapped up in it and he ended up
working there.

(08:11):
But that's in the past, but itwas hard and Bill was talking to
our friend and he got in thecar and then I went over around
the corner to the place, thespot where Dallas died, and I

(08:34):
took a moment and I, you know, Ididn't touch the ground, but I
touched the wall there and Ijust I talked to him for a few
minutes, talked to him for aminute.
I don't know what I said and II came back and I got in the car
and I, when I used to leave, Iused to look at him in the stall

(08:58):
and I would say good night,dallas, I love you.
And so I said that and um, wedrove away and and Bill said he
was really proud of me and thatwas it.
That was all I needed just tostart bawling.
Um, that was it, that was all Ineeded, yeah, so we're going to

(09:24):
go back in another week and tryto get the rest of the stuff.
There are some things that werenot in the locker, that aren't
there anymore, and, yeah, wehave some of his things.
We have a saddle, we have hisbridle, we have his brushes, but

(09:48):
in the end we don't have him,and so there's just a lot of
loss, right, and that's what itis.
So, for anybody that's grievinga loss or have grieved a loss
or is going to grieve a loss,you just got to hang in there

(10:09):
and you got to say you know yougot to power through it right
One way or the other.
So I've been easy on myselftoday, and that would be my,
that's my advice to anybodythat's grieving a loss is be
easy on yourself.
So next week we'll tackleanother topic together.

(10:29):
I hope you'll join me.
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(10:52):
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Thanks for listening.
I'm Tracy Wallace and these arethe only child diaries.