June 17, 2024 • 66 mins
Can the absence of a father truly shape your entire life? Join us as we reflect on the heartfelt significance of Father's Day through deeply personal stories and experiences.
This episode flashed back to 2018 when Jay invited Nia to be a guest on his podcast.
Jay begins by sharing cherished moments from a week filled with family activities, including poignant visits to family graves and intimate celebrations with his children . Together, Jay and Nia revisit their past discussions about their own fathers, revealing how these relationships have influenced their parenting and family dynamics.
Our conversation takes a nostalgic turn as we delve into fragmented childhood memories and the bittersweet experiences of growing up in blended families. We unpack the challenges of navigating relationships with absent fathers, discussing the emotional rollercoaster of frustration, love, and the necessity of setting boundaries. Through candid reflection, we explore the power of forgiveness and the emotional journey toward accepting relationships as they are. Personal anecdotes illustrate the struggle and the resilience required to maintain connections with fathers who weren't as present as desired.
We further explore the profound impact of fatherhood on adulthood and our approach to parenting. Discussing the importance of being emotionally available for our children, we share insights on self-reflection and personal growth. The conversation touches on societal expectations and the stigmas surrounding fatherhood, advocating for a cultural shift towards genuine emotional expression and connection. Through faith and self-discovery, we highlight how divine support can mend the scars left by our own upbringings, underscoring the unyielding power of human connection. Join us for this compelling episode as we navigate the intricate dynamics of fatherhood and family relationships.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's good everybody .
This is Jay from the Open BookPodcast.
I know you're used to hearingmy wife Nia say what's up, and
it's your girl, nia.
Right now she's actually atwork and I'm recording this
little preamble to put at thebeginning of our episode.
Just full transparency, man,it's been a very hectic week.
(00:22):
We got a lot going on.
We celebrated a lot forFather's Day, we were out for
dinner and then we went aroundto some cemeteries and we're
finding like we typically visitmy wife's grandfather's grave.
(00:43):
We went to look for my daughterJuliet's great-grandfather's
grave and we actually found hergreat-great-grandfather's grave.
We visited one of my cousin'sgrave and my stepbrother.
It was really dope, really dope.
We got some good exercise,walking around all those
(01:05):
cemeteries, finding each spot.
But it was a really goodFather's Day.
As every year, I really justwant to be around my children,
so it's really dope for me tohave opportunity to spend the
whole day with them and justpour into them right, just spend
the whole day focused on family, and I got a chance to really
pour into them, especiallyJuliette, who just turned 18
(01:27):
this year.
So me just pouring in, you know, things that I feel like can
help her through adulthoodtelling her things about how
much I believe in her, speakingover her future, speaking
prosperity and greatness intoher future, telling her who she
is, things that she'll need toknow as she goes through life
and experience challenges.
(01:47):
She'll know what she's made ofso she don't crumble.
It was really super dope.
Shout out to my wife for alwaysplanning everything and getting
everything rolling and havingthe energy to get us all
everywhere we need to go.
Shout out to all of my kids forjust being dope.
But, with that said, we did notget a chance to record this
(02:07):
week's episode, but, again, mywife being as dope as she is,
she came through this morningand was like yo, do you remember
?
You know, a few years back onyour podcast, we did an episode
for Father's Day where we wentdeep into our relationships with
our fathers.
(02:27):
So I went into the archives andI grabbed that episode.
It was from five years ago whenI was doing a podcast called
Jay Floyd Speaks Life and mywife was the third episode and
we really sat down and we gotdeep.
We talked about our fathers,the impact of our fathers on us.
So, to my wife's point, that'sa really relevant topic right
(02:48):
now.
I know a lot of y'all might havecelebrated Father's Day
recently.
Some of y'all may have had agreat one, some of y'all have,
you know, may have some painaround Father's Day.
So, yeah, sit back and enjoythis episode, this flashback of
me and my beautiful wife Nia wewas a little bit younger, just a
(03:11):
tiny bit younger talking aboutour fathers Peace.
This is a Father's Day episode.
This is a really special one.
Usually I set up theseinterviews with people, but this
one is going to be more like aconversation.
Right, I wanted to really hitthe topic of fatherhood, and
what better person to have withme to talk about such a big
(03:32):
topic than the person that I'mone flesh with?
You know the person who youknow our experiences with our
fathers would directly affect usthe most, and that is my wife,
dania Floyd, aka Dania Narrates.
What's going on, babe?
Speaker 2 (03:45):
What's going on.
Happy Father's Day.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
How you living.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
I'm good.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
How are you?
I'm doing really good, man, I'mdoing really good.
I'm feeling great about thisepisode.
How you feeling.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
I'm feeling good.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
You know, one of the things I wanted to do was kind
of talk about a lot of the areasof fatherhood.
So I thought you know one ofthe places where you know where,
if we have a good or badrelationship with our father or
whatever it is, the place whereit appears the most is in the
family, in the marriage.
When you go off and you try tolive your own life and then you
(04:19):
try to raise your kids and be afather or be a mother, that's
where that effect comes up.
So I really wanted to sit downand talk about it today, babe.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I think that's a great idea.
All right, so let's get intothis you ready, let's go.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
You ready to rock?
Ready to rock?
All right, well, let's do this.
Okay, so you know, for me, oneof the things I know, and I
wrote down this first questionbecause, for me, historically,
sometimes big holidays give meanxiety, right.
So you know it's like.
What am I?
What am I feeling?
As you know, Father's Day comesup, the pressures of it, or you
(04:54):
know what I might have to dofor you as a daughter, as a wife
of a person who is a father.
What are your feelings as theday comes up?
Speaker 2 (05:07):
So for me it's really about celebrating you and, you
know, really getting with thekids and doing what we do to
make the day special for you.
We call uncle just to, you know, wish him a happy Father's Day
as well, and then I'll usuallyshoot off a text or give my dad
(05:27):
a quick call and then that'spretty much it.
So I don't really have any.
I think it's exciting becausewe get to celebrate and, you
know, really do fun things foryou, um, but as far as like
reaching out to other people,and you know, um, you hear a lot
of people say, oh, my dad, mydad and I, people, and you know
you hear a lot of people say, oh, my dad, my dad and I'm
celebrating.
And you know I don't have anyof those types of notions or
(05:51):
anything like that.
It's just, you know my focus ismore on you than anybody.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Well, I got to say, for one thing I really
appreciate you.
I think you do a great job.
I appreciate you too, youknowall y'all do some creative
things sometimes.
Man, listen, there's actuallywhere we are recording right now
is in our dining room and thereis a uh right behind me.
There's a picture of uh, thekids, and you know all three of
(06:15):
our kids and they have I loveyou, dad, on their feet and you
know their feet are out and it'slike it was really dope how
y'all did that man, it was a lotof fun it was.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
It was a lot of pictures, but you know, we just
I just really kind of let themdo what they wanted to do.
It was more so than focusing.
Just make sure your feet staywhere I put them.
Everywhere else can do, you cando whatever you want to do, but
just keep your feet right wherethey are faces and everything
got some really good shots hey,you know that that's a really
(06:48):
good age.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
You know the ages where they were was still young
enough where, like you said, itwas goofy, everybody played
their part and had fun.
I love that kind of stuff, so Ireally appreciate you and the
fact that you do that kind ofthing, you know know Anytime.
So let's go back to thebeginning.
I know you touched on a fewthings already, but let's go
back in our history.
(07:09):
Right, let's talk about theancestors you know, back to
Africa.
Now we can't go back to Africa.
Although we did get ourancestry thing going on, we
still don't got enough info togo back there.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Let's talk about our grandfathers.
You know everybody.
To go back there.
No, let's talk about ourgrandfathers.
You know everybody, you know,you know, in the line
biologically we got two of them,but do we know them?
You know, I know like for me,my mom's father was out of the
picture, like she only met himone time in her life and that
was way before I was born.
Uh, my dad's father, uh, hehappened to die almost exactly a
(07:45):
year before I was born.
He passed away, so I didn'treally get to see any of my
grandfathers, but that wouldhave been a good place to kind
of start seeing what hisfatherhood looked like.
Yeah, well, what was yourexperience with grandfathers?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Well, both of my mom's parents died when she was
younger, so no experience there.
And then my dad's parents.
My mom and my dad divorced whenI was I don't know, I was
probably about eight or ninewhen they separated, when I was
seven, so I don't have a lot ofmemories of them.
(08:21):
I do remember that going overmy grandparents' house, it was
very rare and they had a blackcat and it was a mean black cat
and they always had nuts andthey always had cheese, always
the good stuff.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
And it's funny how you remember some like random
stuff, just random.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I don't really remember them.
I just remember what theirhouse was like and that's and we
would have to go in the backroom and they had this
stationary bike with a TV and abed back there and that was kind
of where we had to hang outwhenever we went over there and
that was pretty much it.
My grandmother passed away whenI was I was in second grade and
(09:04):
then my grandfather.
I didn't have a relationshipwith him at all and so he got
sick when I was more in like inmy 20s and he went to go live
with my dad for a while beforethey put him in a nursing home
and he passed away.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Did you get to see that?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
I did not, no, no, I didn't.
So I didn't really have agrandparents that I could really
call on and build arelationship with.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
But you have a couple of those mental Polaroids I got
some Polaroids.
Yeah, because I mean, when youtalk about the cheese, the
plastic on the couches.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Yeah, I got some.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Polaroids or the exercise bike.
You know the crazy thing aboutthem, thing about them.
You will never forget that.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
No.
Even now, 37 years later, Istill remember that.
I still remember that.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
You will be 90 years old talking about the cheese,
the nuts, the exercise.
It was good cheese, you knowlisten, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
They had that good deli cheese and they had all
different types.
It was delicious.
Did they have the?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
pickles, jelly cheese and they had all different
types.
It was delicious.
Did they have the pickles?
I know a lot of grandparentsalways had the pickles?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
No, they didn't have pickles.
I don't remember them havingpickles.
They did have a lot of walnuts,though.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
What was that about?
Did we stop getting walnuts?
Did people stop doing that?
Or do you got to reach acertain age before you do that?
I mean, why get them?
Speaker 2 (10:21):
home when you can just buy them in a bag.
You know, they old school, theywant to just sit and kick their
feet up and crack them open.
Crack them open yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
It was an active snack.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
It was an active snack yeah.
I'm not into the active snack,maybe while they was reading the
paper or something, I don'tknow.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
I no.
So so let's get down to if ourgrandfathers?
We didn't really have thatexperience.
You have a couple polar words,which is great.
What about our fathers?
Um, you know, our directexperience with julius floyd and
dennis cummings, you know, wasour.
What was our relationships likeand our experience.
You want to go first or youwant me to go first?
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I can go first, so I was the only girl.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
My mom, and that's huge.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
That's huge.
My mom had three kids.
My sister had a differentfather from us we have a 10 year
age difference and then mybrother came first and then me.
So came um first and then me.
So you're the baby, I'm thebaby of my mom's kids, yeah, and
then um.
Well, actually my father hadanother child before he met my
mom.
He had a son and then him andmy mom separated and he got
(11:33):
remarried and then I had twomore brothers.
So, um, still the baby, and Idon't really have very many
memories of my dad.
Still the only girl.
Still the only girl.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
That's huge.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
I don't have a lot of memories of us being together
as a family.
I have just like a couple, butnot anything significant.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
So how old were you when they broke up?
Speaker 2 (12:02):
I was about seven, so it was right after my birthday
I had a really big birthdayparty.
We had just moved out to MapleHeights, maple Maple.
It was the summer of 88.
We moved out to Maple Heights.
I had a really big party andshortly after that my parents
separated and I actually seen mydad leave.
So it was literally like anargument and he took some
(12:24):
clothes.
I guess my, my grandmother gavemy mom a lot of like beautiful
dresses that he took with themand left.
I remember that, I rememberthat.
And then I remember right aftermy mom just went ham and just
working and making sure she getthe bills and things paid, he
kind of came around a little bitjust sporadically and then as I
(12:49):
was coming up he would comearound if we called.
So it was more of a.
You know, if you need something, call me, but not like on
demand.
Yeah, it wasn't like a formalrelationship I want to come
because I want to see you guys,type of thing.
You know it would be like thevisitations, because you know of
course that was in place.
But it was a lot of times wherewe send in the driveway with
(13:11):
our suitcases just kind ofwaiting for dad to come, late
nights, some times where we wentover there and my brother was
more so interested in going thanI was, because it was just kind
of weird for me.
You know, um, this is newfamily, this new woman, these
other kids and, um, you know hemarried someone who or she had a
son and then they had moretogether.
(13:32):
So it was just a little awkwardfor me.
So I really wasn't kind ofinterested in the whole going to
see dad thing, unless you knowit was kind of like a once, once
or twice a year.
He would come by and kind ofhang out for a little bit now,
that's one thing I want to.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
That you mentioned is that, with you being the only
girl, and then there's boys, andthen there's more boys, and
then there's your dad.
It's like when, when yourbrother wanted to go over there
maybe it was because theenvironment was more his vibe,
you know and there there wasn'ta lot of concessions made to
make it feel like a place whereyou wanted to be.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
No, I was not interested, like at all.
I just didn't feel I didn'twant to go.
I was very clear with my momabout that and she was very you
know, that's your decision.
If you don't want to go, thenyou don't have to.
So I didn't know, I didn't go.
And you know the funny thing ismy my sister says you know,
it's so unfortunate that you andyour dad don't have a closer
(14:27):
relationship because he wascrazy about you when you were a
little girl.
Wow, he always wanted a girl andhe was so crazy about you, so
it it almost breaks my heart tokind of see that you guys don't
have a stronger relationshipthan what you do.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
How does that make you feel to hear that it's?
Speaker 2 (14:43):
a little sad, you know cause I mean it's not like
it's lack of effort on my part,but you know, I mean it is what
it is.
You know some people.
You just got to meet them wherethey are and love them from a
distance.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Have you, have you been to really like sit down and
just kind?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
of really say who is my dad and why would he be like
that, to try to understand himand his shortcomings.
So, um, I want to say it wasright after we got married,
because my dad was a part of ourwedding, he um him and my mom
walked me down.
I wanted to give him theopportunity.
Even though he wasn't there, Istill wanted to give him that
opportunity to be able to walkme down.
So it was a a shared walk.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
And it was a great day.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
It was a wonderful day.
He came around a lot more afterthat, especially after honor
was born, and he really kind oftold me stories about how him my
mom met and when they separatedand him and his childhood and
growing up.
So I got to learn a lot aboutwho he was and kind of
understand some of the decisionsthat he's made.
(15:43):
I think that really kind ofchanged my thought process on
how I viewed him.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Yeah.
So what is it like now?
What does it feel like for younow?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
You know I love my dad.
I don't see him often still.
I mean, it was a point lastyear, year before we would just
kind of pop up over his house,because you know it was like.
You know, we don't really know,um you just kind of pop up over
there just to kind of see himback when he was working.
We would just kind of pop upover.
He's retired now but um, youknow, like I've seen him quite a
(16:17):
few times this year and um youknow I always shoot him a text,
or you know, try to spend sometime with him I think it's dope
that you set up some time andschedule time to go do things
that he likes.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
You reached out to.
You know, go to bingo with him.
My dad is an avid bingo player.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
So, yeah, I I realized that I'm not gonna be,
I'm not gonna get those kinds ofcalls, I'm not gonna get those.
Hey, I want to come'm not goingto get those, hey, I want to
come over and see you guys.
That's, that may never happen.
It hasn't happened and it maynever happen, and so that's kind
of my cross.
You know, I have to be able tounderstand that, you know, and I
and I, and one of the things Ialso noticed is that when he
(16:56):
does come around, he's reallynervous.
And so, you know, I just reallytry to love on him because I
don't really know where he ismentally by coming over here and
spending time with us, becausehe doesn't see us that much.
He has grandchildren, he has ason-in-law, he has, you know,
this daughter that he didn'treally get a chance to spend
much time with.
So I don't really know how hefeels when he comes here.
(17:18):
So I just really try to love onhim and make him feel welcome.
He feels when he comes here, soI just really try to love on
him and make him feel welcome.
But it's usually by invite andso, you know, I just really try
to just extend myself.
Sometimes, you know, I kind offeel some kind of way about it.
I kind of feel like you know,why do I have to put forth all
of this effort just to see mydad?
And then I'm just like you knowwhat, god only he blessed me
(17:39):
with one father, and you knowI'm supposed to honor him,
whether I want to or not,whether I, you know, cause
sometimes it's really just abouthaving grace and sometimes I
don't feel like it.
Sometimes I'm just like youknow what, no, I should have a
dad that calls me.
I should have a dad that wantsto come see me and be present in
his grandkids life.
(18:01):
But at the end of the day,that's not what I have.
And I still love him becausehe's my father and um, and I
think that deep down inside he,he wants to do those things, but
it, you know, I don't know what, what is going on with him, and
so I'm gonna love him from afar.
And, you know, on those timeswhere it's like, hey, I want to
see you on a, you know, spendsome time with you, we'll do
(18:22):
that, we'll go and we'llschedule time to see him.
And you know, just do that.
I, you know, it was a rememberwhen I told him that we were
getting married.
He, he told me that.
And this was after we gotmarried, when we sat down and
talked and he told me, he saidyou know, it messed me up to
(18:45):
hear that you were gettingmarried.
Because here it is.
I'm supposed to be the personthat you fall in love with first
and I've been gone for so longand you done met somebody and
you done found that love and Ididn't even get a chance to show
you what that looked like andthat hurt my heart so much
because, it's true.
But you know, in the midst ofthat, I'm thankful to God for
(19:08):
placing such an amazing personin my life to give me that love,
to love me, you know, and fillthose gaps.
And you know, just God's lovefills those gaps.
So, um, yeah, I thought I justwas like wow, okay.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I think that's a word .
Man, wow, that's really good.
That's a.
I think that's a testimony toforgiveness yeah.
I think you do a great job withit.
I like the fact that you saidyou know I should, or I wish I
had a parent like blah blah blah, but I don't.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
I have this, so it's like I think that's something a
lot of people can take note to,because they feel the same way.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
You know, we can sit and harp on what we could have,
should have, would have, wish wehad, yeah, but we got what we
got and I have my moments, youknow, but at the end of the day
I have, I'm grateful for what Ihave.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
And I'm okay with that, you know you just, it's
about boundaries and settingthose boundaries and not you
know you got to be comfortablewith where you are before you go
, reach out to people and youknow, meet them where they are.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
What does that look like to have some boundaries?
I know that's something I mean.
We all struggle with boundaries, like.
What does that look like,though?
How do we do that?
Speaker 2 (20:21):
You know, I don't know.
I guess maybe it's easy for meto do it from afar.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Because when I see him you know it's all love and
it's.
You know it's kind of like abittersweet thing because it's
like man, I feel so good hangingout with you and being here
with you.
But you know, sometimes it'skind of like OK, so when is the
next time it's?
Going to happen.
You know like OK, am I going totalk to you in another month or
so.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
You know, one thing I noticed, and I think you
touched on it and I think isreally kind of pertinent to the
story, is you know you said whenhe comes around he's nervous,
and you know he also is notnervous to talk to me.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
No.
Or to talk to dudes, you know,to talk to Speed or talk to
somebody else, or even mybrother, or maybe not even his
kids or my sister.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
So I think you know, and like you said, maybe, and
like you said your sisteralluded to is, you know, you his
only girl.
I wonder if he has feelings ofinadequacy, of not being good
enough you know what I mean andmaybe he feels nervous.
I don't know how to do this.
How do you parent a girl?
Maybe he doesn't, maybe hefeels that.
Maybe that's the root of thatnervousness, I wonder.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
I don't know, Maybe you know, one of the things that
I'm always conscious of is tomake sure I give him a really
big hug and tell him I love him.
And that really big hug andtell him I love him and that I'm
so happy to see him and I'm sohappy he came and.
I do that when I see him andwhen I leave, yeah, just to let
him know, like you know,everything to happen, all of
that stuff to happen.
Let's just really celebratethis moment that we have
(21:53):
together, you know, because Ilove it, we can move on to the
next.
I don't know if I'm gonna seeyou tomorrow, so let's just
celebrate what we have righthere and let's end it on a good
note.
And, you know, let that be ourlast memory together, so that
way, if we see each other againnext time, we can build a new
memory.
Let's build these memories now.
(22:13):
Let's not focus on all of thisstuff that happened back in the
past, because, granted, it'sbuilt me, it's shaped us both
and it has a lot to do with howour relationship is, because
there's times when we see eachother and we don't have much to
say, but we're spending thattime spending that time and you
know, maybe next time we'll havemore, there'll be more for us
to build on.
So, just being intentional, sayssomething real powerful.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
You said it shaped you.
How do you think that affectedyou?
Relationship wise.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Well, I mean, you know, not having your dad around
is a lot of rejection in that,you know, especially if you're
reaching out and there's, youknow I'm not getting a reach
back.
So it's a lot of rejection inthat.
It's a lot of no trust.
I have no trust.
I don't need.
I don't take you for your word.
I don't believe you.
You got to show me.
Your actions need to show Cause.
(23:06):
You know you could say you gotbetter.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
But when we first met , it was like bruh, bruh, but no
, I mean, but I mean.
Isn't that the story?
Speaker 2 (23:18):
of a lot of women, though, I'm saying no, your
father.
I mean, you know you have thatlove from your mother, but your
father is the first personthat's going to show you what a
relationship, what type of man,you potentially want to be with
when you get older.
Give you a sense of protection.
(23:38):
Give you a sense of protection,give you that security that
they give you all of the things,the characteristics that you
want to hopefully see and findin the person that you grow up
to marry, and I didn't have that.
What I did have was what Ididn't want, okay.
So I know that he said he ain't.
He said he coming and he ain'tcome.
So I gotta have somebody whogonna be strong on their word,
(23:59):
all right.
So I don't want no liar, I wantnobody that's gonna cheat, you
know.
So it's so many levels to that,so I was looking a lot for
somebody like my dad thenegative list.
I had the list of I didn't wantto, won't yeah.
I ain't looking for somebodylike my dad.
I'm looking for somebody thatis going to love on me and that
doesn't have a face.
Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
That's.
That's powerful man, you know,and I, you know I think I've
touched on this a couple oftimes you know me and my father,
um, you know, my parents gotdivorced right around the same
age.
I was five, except they splitup when I was two months old,
yeah, so I never really saw themtogether, they just went
through that whole.
You know a lot of a lot ofcouples just take a long time to
(24:40):
actually get divorced you know,I mean that's what my parents
did.
It was like this is over, butlet's just linger on it for a
while before, really, we reallyput the papers in right so when
they really got divorced, youknow, usually and the thing that
I've seen I won't say usually,but what I've seen a lot is the
divorce happens when the dude'sabout to get remarried which is
what happens for for my dad.
(25:00):
You know, they just split up,went their separate ways and
when he was ready to getremarried he had to go ahead and
finalize that divorce so he cando it.
And you know, for me, um, youknow, my mom was a really,
really, really, um, uh, I'mtrying to think of the
vocabulary word that fits in.
(25:21):
I mean, uh uh, fire brand shewas, uh, she was a firecracker,
a piece of work.
Piece of work, you know likeyou she.
You know how.
You know certain people.
That's like the last one youwant to cross.
That's my mom, you know, and sohe crossed her and so he
(25:42):
crossed her.
And so, you know, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter divorce.
You know so.
She was out for blood andvengeance and you know, at the
end of the day, me and mybrother kind of suffered because
you know, every victory thatshe got caused, you know, my dad
to be further away from us.
You know so.
You know, growing up my dadwasn't around, but it wasn't
because he didn't want to be,and I didn't know that until I
was older.
You know, it's not like my momwas like your father don't want
(26:05):
to see you, but it was.
You know, as you're young, ifyou don't really, if somebody
don't really explain it to youright, in a really good, loving
way, yeah, how are you supposedto know?
All you know is you don't seeyour dad, period.
So I just felt like I'm one ofthose fatherless people, I'm one
of those people who don't seetheir father and I'm one of
those people whose father is notthere for them, even though my
(26:28):
father would have been there forme at every turn had they not
been going through such a roughdivorce and him having so many
roadblocks to that you know, sowhen I got to be an adult, you
know my mom, you actually, as ateenager, I started making some
decisions that my mom didn'treally like.
Like I got the child support cutoff.
You know, my dad was like, hey,you turn this thing off and
(26:52):
I'll give you anything you want.
You know, that was his bigthing.
Just don't take from me, right,I will give it to you, you know
, and I did at 16.
I was like, let's turn thisthing off, let me see.
And he was a man of his wordand it was like man.
So it started giving me aglimpse of if I open my heart to
this man, you know, maybe I can, you know, have something.
(27:13):
After all, I can have whateverybody else got that I'm so
jealous of.
So, you know, by the time I wasin my 20s and then finally to
my 30s, we had, I really openedmy heart to him and we got a
really good relationship goingon and I made the decision, you
know, with the help of the HolySpirit, because it was not just
me.
I was not mature enough, thedecision was made to really just
(27:36):
look at him as my father onlyAt every opportunity I gave him.
What did, did he do?
And only judge him on that?
I couldn't judge him on that.
That whole stuff would happenwith my mom because I, to this
day, I'm 43 years old and Istill don't know yeah,
everything that happened.
All I know is they got divorced.
I don't know because it ain'treally my business at the end of
(27:57):
the day, because I can't figureit out.
All I could do is judge them onwhat happened with us and when
it came time for him to be afather, to me personally, he was
an A-plus father, a-plus, youknow.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Yay, daddy Floyd, exactly.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
So I kind of got you know two sides of it and I got a
little bit of healing.
You know he passed away when Iwas 34.
Actually, when we met, when wemet.
I did not get a chance to meetdaddy yes, the week that we met,
uh, my dad passed away onfather's day yeah you know which
is which is.
(28:31):
It was rough, it's rough, butit's only as rough as I give it
the power to be rough.
You know what I mean.
So it's just he passed away ona day.
It just happened to be beFather's Day.
But hey, it's Father's Day, soI'm going to celebrate him you
know what I mean and shout outto you, because you always
suggest that we go visit.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
Oh, we're going to see Daddy Floyd.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
At the cemetery every Father's Day.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
We're taking the kids , we're going, we take a picture
.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Even when it's been very rough for me, you still
suggest it and it's always agreat visit and I really
appreciate that.
Um, I know when we met you knowyour struggles with your dad
was a topic that you did notwant to close door.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
You didn't want to go touch the knob.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
It was not happening, man don't bring it up, we ain't
talking about it.
Subject but you did.
Let me in a little bit and letme talk about it.
And not only that you werethere it's not like you was just
closed door on father stuffbecause then you turned around
and was there at every step forme, even pushing me to really
get some real healing, and Ireally appreciate that.
(29:36):
And that's one of the reasons Iwanted us to talk about
fatherhood, because you know allthese struggles that we go
through and everybody.
That's one of the reasons Iwanted us to talk about
fatherhood, because you know allthese struggles that we go
through and everybody that'slistening.
All the struggles we go through, they're going to affect us and
they're going to really hithome when it comes time for us
to try to get it right ourselves, try to get married, try to
have families and raise kids.
All that stuff start bubblingup, man.
(29:57):
And you got to really seek somehealing.
Yeah, you got to seek God.
You got to really seek somehealing.
Yeah, you got to seek God.
You got to let the Holy Spiritwork on you.
You got to seek counsel.
You got to go to therapy.
You got to talk to some peoplewho have been through it.
You know what I mean Reach outto your peoples, because God
plays people all around us thatcan help us out with this kind
of stuff.
He absolutely does.
So again, shout out to you babe, I love you.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
I love you too, and you did really great.
Thank you for being open tothat, because it's you know,
it's one thing to say, hey,let's go visit.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Yeah, I was willing.
I won't say I was extremelyopen.
You weren't Some of it.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I was like ugh, but you went.
Yes, you know you could stillfeel like, hey, I don't want to
celebrate Father's.
Day even though I'm a father.
I don't want to celebrate.
That's not a good day for me.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
But that's not what you do.
We go and we take pictures andyou have your moment.
The kids have their moment toreally talk and spend time, and
it's a good day.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
And listen.
I want to shout out you know,just encourage anybody out there
who's looking for their mate.
You know when anybody out therewho's looking for their mate,
you know when you're looking man, do not men, women, don't just
look for the person that putsyou in a comfort zone, a person
that gives you what you'vealways gotten.
If you get something that'skind of pushing you to get
(31:14):
better, talk to god about that.
You know what I mean and try toget some clarity on it, because
I know for me a lot of thestuff that we went through, you
were pushing me out of mycomfort zone and I ain't like it
.
You know, it wasn't fun.
No but it was the best for meand I wouldn't be who I am had
you not done it.
You know what I mean had I notbeen open to receive it.
(31:35):
So, listen, god knows what he'sdoing when he puts us together
with people.
I think a lot of times we ruinit and we run away because we
don't want to get pushed out ofour comfort zone.
But God don't want us in thecomfort zone.
Man, listen up.
Y'all All right.
So we're going to get into acouple of things.
The last thing we talked aboutour grandparents.
We talked about our fathers.
(31:56):
We talked about how our fathershave affected relationships and
marriage.
What about parenting?
How does that affect how weapproach parenting?
You know, and I know, we have aI won't say a unique situation,
is actually the probably themore normalized common situation
, and that we have a blendedfamily.
(32:16):
And then, um, you know so, whenwe met and got married, I had a
daughter from a previousrelationship, and so you know
that throws an additionalchallenge into, you know, being
a family and building thoseblocks, and so, on top of us
having issues from our fathers,good and bad experiences that we
bring into it, you know.
(32:38):
Then we have to start to.
How do we build and let Godmove us past this generational
type thing that we got going on,which a lot of us have going on
with blended families.
But so how do you think yourexperience with fatherhood in
general?
Yeah, as you grew up, as youwere shaped like you said, it
shaped you.
(32:58):
How did it affect how youapproach parenting or overall in
our family?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
um, so I think that you know, with me not having my
dad around, it reallyhighlighted my mom more, and my
mom was not easy.
She still ain't easy, okay.
Yeah, mary is, she ain't nojoke, ok, so you know, she's a
little old school, she's very,is a, she's very old school.
(33:25):
Her, her, her mind frame is youneed to struggle, I'm a show,
you get that one good time.
Then after that you need tofigure it out.
Yeah, don't come.
Oh you, oh, you working now.
Oh, okay, so you go ahead andget out there and you can buy
all your own clothes andeverything that you need, cause
(33:45):
you don't.
So I, I, I, I learned early toto figure it out and I learned
to, um, to really not depend onanybody.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
So, um, is that a plus or minus?
Speaker 2 (34:00):
It could be both.
Yeah, it could be both.
I think that it was both.
For me it was, um, it was aplus for me because, you know, I
knew how to get out there andand and make it happen and, you
know, and find me a job and workand pay my bills and really be
good with budgeting and money.
Um, you know, but it was alsowhen we got married.
(34:21):
It was a minus because it waslike, okay, I can take the trash
out, I can, you know, oh, weabout to buy this thing and I'm
gonna put it together and fix itmyself and you know, I don't
have to really let anybody inbecause you know, I'm I'm really
so used to being closed off andhandling everything on my own.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
I'm not going to let you in.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
emotionally, I'm not going to really do that Because
I don't have to.
I don't have to be vulnerableyou know, I'm so used to being
on my own and you know, nothaving to put those emotions out
there.
So, yeah, I mean it's both.
You know really having tocompromise and being vulnerable.
Vulnerability is stillsomething that I struggle with.
It's still something that Istruggle with with our kids.
(34:56):
Just because I mean I didn'thave that, I didn't see
vulnerability when I came out.
I want to say that I only seemy mom cry maybe once, and that
was only because we brokesomething and she just got home
from work.
She was tired, you know.
She was like, oh, I can't youknow, so it wasn't like a oh my
gosh, I'm, you know, like it wasa frustration.
(35:17):
It wasn't I'm struggling, no,it no.
My mom was a hustler.
She had all kinds of jobs, so Igot to see that, I saw her work
, her work ethic.
So you know, I think for methat's kind of what it's been.
You know, with parenting isreally trying to be vulnerable
with the kids and you know, youknow, really I think that I try
(35:40):
to pour into them a lot because,you know, with my mom working
all the time, my dad not beingthere, I didn't have that at
home.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
um, you know, that's that's actually that's really
insightful for me, because I donotice that you do that yeah,
and I didn't know what thedriver of that was.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Yeah, I didn't have that.
I didn't have, um, you know,stuff that happened in school or
you know that wasn't like I'mnot coming home and telling my
mom about that.
You know, I just kind of Iwould talk to my friends and if
I didn't have my friends to talkto, I talked to my sister or I
didn't have anybody to talk toabout it.
So you know my I wasn't tryingto burden my mom with my
(36:16):
problems, knowing that she hadall of this work and she want to
come home and she just want tokind of wind down.
So I really just try to pourinto my kids and really just
know, let them know that I lovethem and you know that there we
can talk.
I'm here, we can develop thatrelationship, because I feel
that it's really important togive that to your kids and, you
know, have the memories of thefirst day of school and just
(36:38):
have those things that they canlook back on.
And it could just be becausethat I didn't have those things,
I can't.
We took a lot of pictures, butyou know some of the things that
I like my dad wasn't there forgraduations, any of my
graduations.
When they're for my proms, youknow he would buy me something
to wear to it, but he wasn'tgoing to be there for because he
had to work and he wasn't goingto be there for it because he
had to work and he wasn't aboutto miss work for that.
(36:59):
So really just pouring intothem that love, I guess,
essentially that attention thatI didn't really get, wow.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
That is, you know, one.
That's why I'm really glad wedid this show, because that's
really, you know, I'm learningthings about you as well and
learning things about us, andit's making sense to me.
You know, for me, I would say,parenting.
In my experience, it was moreof the lack of my father's
(37:29):
presence that kind of affectedme in the way that I parent, you
know, in the fact that, youknow, my dad moved on and got
remarried, you know, and wedidn't see him a whole lot.
I was with my mom, I wascompletely attached to my mom, I
was mama's boy to the 10thdegree and you know, my mother
was what they call an oversharer, yeah, you know.
(37:50):
So she shared all of hervulnerability, all of her
thoughts, all of her emotionsand you know, that leads to what
I now know is emotional incestwhere you have a relationship
with your children andcommunicate things and thoughts
and feelings to them that youshould be talking to a confidant
(38:11):
about, or your new boyfriend oryour new husband about.
You know, and she shared thatstuff with us us and what
happens is you become theiremotional support, because the
kid don't want to see theirparent broken like that right.
They want to save them rightright.
So what?
Especially for when a, when a,when a, when a woman does it
with boys, the boy then becomes,you know, his mission is to
(38:35):
save his mom.
So when he grows up he developsrelationships that are looking
like they're saving their momtype person.
You know what I mean.
That's why it's an unhealthything, you know.
And even in parenting, what Itry my best to grow out of is to
have that type of relationshipwith our kids.
You know where I'm oversharingor having a, you know, building
(38:59):
a thing where they have asympathy for me and what I'm
going through, you know that'ssomething that you don't want to
do.
So I always try to check myselfto see and I'm going to make
sure I don't approach this in away that goes into that
territory that my mom did.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
I think you do an excellent job.
Because I don't?
I?
Speaker 1 (39:17):
don't think.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
I've ever seen or witnessed you do that.
Speaker 1 (39:21):
Yeah, I think I was much, probably more prone to it
when I was younger, you know,and my life turned around the
day that I sat down and saidwhat's wrong with me and why am
I in this situation?
Not, why did all of this stuffhappen to me?
Why are these other peopledoing?
No, what's wrong with me?
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
And how do I go about fixing it.
And that was really the momenteverything in my life started to
shift.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
And you know I really have to commend you for that,
because a lot of people justkind of go through life thinking
that it's something wrong witheverybody else.
Yeah, it's not.
I'm about to go see what what'swrong with me and how can I get
healing so that I can move pastthis.
It's like these people aroundme just got issues, it ain't me.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
It's always something else.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
Always somebody yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:08):
But no, it's.
You know and you know raising,raising children is is a
challenge, you know, and we findourselves in these challenges
constantly, every season, everymonth, every week.
Yes, it's something new.
You in these challengesconstantly, every season, every
month, every week.
Yes, it's something new.
You know, um, you know we tryour best to, you know, keep a
christian blueprint.
You know, keep the word in our,in our marriage and in our
family and do our best, but thischallenge is constantly you
(40:31):
know, and the way that our uhfathering affected us is always
going to be a a stumbling block,but it's not the end of the
road, you know.
God reaches in and says I canheal all of that because I am
your heavenly father, I am theultimate father, so I can heal
all of that and I can even showyou how what happened was a
(40:53):
blessing and not a completelybad thing, you know.
So I think that's the reallybeauty of it, you know, because
God will turn all of that and belike you know.
Let me show you how it allcomes together for the story
that I already wrote for you,yes, yes.
That's the beauty of it all.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Thank you, God, for that.
Yes, indeed.
Speaker 1 (41:12):
So we're coming up on the end of our segment man and
we just have a couple ofquestions.
And man and we just have acouple of questions and um, I
think some of these are going totouch on some topics that we
already hit, but we still wantto shout them out, because I
asked on facebook for somequestions.
And um, shout out to charvez,who gave us this quick question
vz, uh, she said I didn'trealize until I was an adult how
(41:36):
my father's friendship versusfatherhood affected me in the
sense that he never made me feelprecious and protected, he just
made me a cool ass rollie Forboth of you.
What is an example of somethings in your father
relationship that shaped youradulthood that you have had to
forgive or reconcile?
Whew.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
I think just not having a relationship has been
what I've had to forgive andreally reconcile with myself,
because you know, I would havejust had wanted to have, instead
of it being I'm over here to gotake you shopping one this one
time a year, did I come over?
It'd be.
Come on, let's go for ice cream.
And you tell me about how lifeis and what's going on, or let
me let let me call you once aweek and chat with you, so I
(42:36):
would have enjoyed to have that.
But I forgive my father for thatI do.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
That's beautiful.
That's beautiful For me, Ithink, the same thing not being
there because, you know, as akid I kind of put it on him and
you know, I was actually blessedwith an experience where my dad
got sick for the first time inhis life and he was in the
hospital for a day and I wentout and stayed in the room with
(43:02):
him, you know, I pulled up thecot next to his bed and, um, you
know, once the nurse came inand shut the lights down and
everything, he just startedtalking, man, and he told me
about my entire, like myexistence.
Like how did I come to thisworld?
it was like, and I remember hecalled my mom Dorothy instead of
your mother, he always saidyour mother yeah, that day he
(43:27):
said Dorothy, and I looked overand I saw that he loved my
mother and that changed my life.
I never ever thought about thatnever even pie thought about
that, never even pieced togetherthat my parents had love.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Such a gift to you.
Yeah, for him to do that.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
So that moment you know, I won't even say I had to
forgive or reconcile man theHoly Spirit put me right in that
situation.
It was like look, just look andwatch and see the clarity of
where you came from.
And so, yeah, it changed me.
All right.
So we got another question frommy man, ls, royal LS, sent like
.
He sent like 17 questions.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
We love you.
Thank you, LS.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
That's my man's, though.
Man, I love LS man.
So first one he said do youfeel the negative stigma about
fathers is changing?
Woo, you want to hit down?
Speaker 2 (44:26):
I would say, um, no, yeah, I only and only.
The only reason why I would saythat is because I still see um.
I see in the community of theolder men that you know there
seems especially like peoplethat we're friends with um, that
you know they're very, you knowthey try to celebrate one
(44:47):
another, they're really pushingpeople into like fatherhood
initiatives and, you know,really trying to build them up.
But I want to say maybe withthis younger generation it's
still.
No, I don't think so.
I think that a lot of the timesthey're still in a position
where mom, big mom, is going totake care of the kid.
(45:08):
They're going to step in and dowhat they can and really take
that away from the fatherBecause, one, he don't want to
be bothered or, two, he's notreally in a space to, he doesn't
have the wherewithal to do it.
Speaker 1 (45:21):
You know what I want to just piggyback on something
you said earlier, where wetalked about you being the only
girl that your father had andyou know the different
approaches and how he was muchmore comfortable with the boys,
with the male children.
You know, I think that one ofthe things that we do a
disservice with our kids is thatwhole treating you know so
(45:42):
different you know, and withgirls it's like we're so hard on
them.
They got to be so perfect.
Don't make no mistake.
Don't go out here, get pregnant.
You ruin your life and do thiswhen it's like when a dude go
out, dude could go to, you know,go to prison, get.
Get a couple girl pregnant andwe throw a party for them.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Yeah, it's all good boys will be boys and grandma
mom, somebody's gonna step ineverybody, step in to take care
of it and make sure everythingis okay.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
But when the woman makes those kind of mistakes,
it's like Because the baby stays.
Speaker 2 (46:14):
It's a completely different story.
It's a different type of impact.
Speaker 1 (46:18):
Ain't nowhere to run.
Speaker 2 (46:19):
No, you have this baby that you're raising and
everybody's impacted by it whereyou know, know and they're
gonna put it right in your face.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
They're gonna hold you to it the men aren't.
Speaker 2 (46:28):
They're not held to that type of responsibility.
Now.
Granted, it's a responsibilityfor both parents because they
both, from jump, came out andsaid, hey, we're gonna, we've
connected.
So the moment that she says,hey, I'm pregnant, dad, you've
stepped into that fatherhoodrole from jump, not when the
(46:50):
baby gets there.
Once the baby's been conceived,you are father.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
Is that a problem?
Society wise, community wiselike, because I mean, I've seen
women be like hey, can you watchyour kid tonight, a father
being with their kid ain'twatching them.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
But I mean, what, what is it?
What are they going to call itif they don't see him?
Now, I agree that you're notwatching your kids.
You're spending quality time,but if you only spend quality
time every six months, onceevery year, I can't catch you.
Now, on the flip side, let menot say that it's like that for
all men, because there's somemen out here who really want to
(47:26):
spend time with their child,their children, and they're not.
They don't have the opportunityto do that because maybe the
mom is being petty orsomething's going on where
they're really trying to do whatthey can do to get their kids
and that's not happening forthem.
So I think there's just a lotof obstacles.
Um, there's just a lot ofobstacles and, and you know,
(47:47):
until both parents want to stepup and be parents and be parents
, whether you're in arelationship or not, because
that's not the kid's fault, yeahthen it's just gonna always be
challenge.
It's always gonna agree with youyou know, I want to feel about
that, babe.
What is your?
What are your thoughts on it?
Speaker 1 (48:07):
um, man, that's a it's really a tough one in that.
Um, you know, in this societyit's just it's kind of
commonplace like that and I dothink that, um, I would like to
say it's changing, because I dosee some uh, some very vocal
fathers stepping up.
I see a lot of, uh, blendedfamilies, you know, fathers and
(48:27):
stepfathers dapping up andtaking pictures and stuff.
I think the blended familysituation has taken a step
forward.
I think people have you know,are starting to learn how to
navigate that thing, becauseit's not so taboo and hidden no
more, you know.
So now there's more out.
I think people are getting moremature about it but, I do agree
with you.
The, the younger generation ofof parents, still got that that
(48:52):
thing where it's like it getsdumped on the mother.
The father kind of gets theskirt.
You know, and I was kind ofjust talking about this on
pinpoints or perspective, lastweek is the the mommy, I know
where to run man, the daddy goman daddy out, man, and so you
know, that's one thing.
Hopefully, the young brothers,man, and you know we, I build
(49:12):
with a lot of young cats and Igot a lot of hope for them, man,
because you know I got a lot ofhope for absolutely, I do too,
because it definitely can changeit absolutely can.
All right now.
Um, this one is a unique one,he said.
Do you see a balance in the sonand daughter relationship, or
is one more important than theother?
So, from a father, is that moreimportant for the son or for
(49:35):
the, for the daughters?
Speaker 2 (49:36):
I don't think that there should be a, I don't think
it should be an importanceplaced on one or the other.
I think it's they're equallyimportant.
You know, the daughter needs toknow who her father is so that
she can learn the things to lookfor.
She needs that love for, butfor for both children.
Their parents are the first oneto show them what love looks
(49:59):
like and they need it now.
Granted they they may needdifferent things from it, but
they both need it.
So I think that the daughterneeds to be able to see hey, I
have this man that she has togrow to love, you know, because
she, she loves mama when shecome out.
Yeah they, they automaticallyattach to mom, so they already
they have to build thisrelationship with that.
(50:21):
So meet that dude, being able tohave that and walk in that as
they grow to kind of developthose things and learn what it
is that they're looking for whenthey get older, what they need
to watch out for, you know, havethat security that they need.
And then, for our young sons,they need to be able to see what
(50:42):
a man looks like, what it lookslike to love on mom, what it
looks like to, you know, beresponsible and do things around
the house, um, and grow intothe man that you're going to be.
So I think it's important fromboth ends.
I don't think that it should bean importance one or the other.
I think that they, they need,they both need it.
Speaker 1 (51:02):
Um for me.
On this one, I'm going to goahead and say what, um, what a
great husband knows how to say.
I agree with my wife.
Speaker 2 (51:10):
110 but do you agree with me?
No, don't say that I do.
I agree with my wife 110 andI'm saying, if you don't agree,
you are hilarious but I do,though I do.
Speaker 1 (51:25):
I think everything you said is on point.
There shouldn't be a difference.
I think we, as we touched on inthe previous question, we got
to stop with this whole.
Um, you know, girls, this yeahboys that you know yeah um, you
know, it kind of ties intoanother question from LS, where
he said do you think chivalryplays, do you think it's a
(51:46):
religious, spiritual or societalact, and is it needed from
fathers especially?
And you know, that kind ofreminds me of the whole like
daddy daughter thing.
You know, take them on dates,take them to dances, and you
know, I've done that kind ofstuff and I do that kind of
stuff.
I think it's I.
I personally do it, though,because I think it's vital that
(52:07):
each parent maintains a uniquerelationship with all the
children.
Speaker 2 (52:12):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (52:13):
It shouldn't always be the parents taking the kids.
You know, sometimes daddy gotto be with the kids or each kid,
and sometimes mommy got to bewith the kids or each kid.
You know, I think that's justthe way it should be.
I don't really look at it asextremely a chivalrous act.
I think chivalry and mannersare all in the same thing.
(52:35):
You know, I think that thosecome from how you actually get
down.
So I think for me, you know,taking, taking the girls to the
daddy daughter dance is is notreally teaching them that a
woman should get this or a womanshould be that it may reinforce
a great bond between us, butthe way I treat you- is going to
(52:57):
tell them what a man should doto a woman.
Yes, you know if I'm around hereyelling at you or if I'm trying
to hit you.
That's what they're going tothink is what is what love looks
like to a woman and what theyshould deserve.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
And I think that it's really important that you say
that, because you know, juliethas a unique situation where she
has her mom and then she comeshere and she has you and she
sees, you know she's with us.
Speaker 1 (53:22):
And she see.
Speaker 2 (53:23):
So she gets a chance to see that, to see her dad in
that space that maybe you knowmost kids don't have the
opportunity to see.
So that's really good that yousaid that, because it is
important.
Speaker 1 (53:35):
And it's something I would have loved to see when I
was younger, you know, to seehow my dad got to navigate, I
got to see it and when I wasolder and I pieced it together
like, oh, now I get what he'sdoing, all right Now.
This next one comes from aniece, a niece Marshall, niece
boogie.
She says how important is itfor fathers to show their
(53:56):
children affection, especiallythe boys.
Speaker 2 (54:01):
Very.
I think that a lot of peoplecome up, uh, men, they come up
thinking that it it creates thesoft kids to not show them like,
hug them and you know, love onthem.
And I, I completely, I disagreewith that, wholeheartedly.
I think that you know youshould.
All kids deserve to know whatthat looks like.
(54:23):
Pick your kid up, hug them,give them a kiss, tell them you
you love him.
Let him cry Because you knowyou're teaching them that it's
not okay for them to haveemotion, it's not okay for them
to feel thing, and they're goingto grow up confused and they're
going to pass that on to theirkids or their friends or whoever
(54:43):
.
Speaker 1 (54:44):
Right now, men we suffer from, we don't know how
to have affection no, you can't.
Speaker 2 (54:50):
You can't give a brother a hug or dab him up
without him thinking, hey,that's that's so.
We were at the parade the otherday and, um, I seen this guy,
somebody came up, this young kidcame up and gave him a hug and
he was like oh no, bro, we don'tdo that, you dat me up why,
can't he give you a hug?
(55:10):
Yeah, it's like, come on, comeon we need more human contact,
one.
Speaker 1 (55:15):
I firmly believe that I think that, as a people
overall, we only learn how totouch each other in a sexual way
.
Man we don't know how to like.
There's a lot of power in ahuman touch.
Speaker 2 (55:27):
Ain't nothing wrong with hugging somebody, man, the
best gift you can give somebodyis a hug or a smile yeah and
it's free or even saying youlove somebody.
Speaker 1 (55:36):
That's that's like.
It's problematic these days,you know, for men and maybe even
women too.
You know we have a problemtelling each other that we love
each other.
You know, until we go.
You know we get our flowersafter we dead you know, so I I
agree with you.
I think the affection thing isvital yes, very vital I think
that you know boys need to learnat a young age.
(55:58):
You can say you love somebody,that you can hug people, that
there's nothing wrong withphysical touch you know we need
to start divorcing intimacy awayfrom sex.
Sex is not the only way thatintimacy occurs.
People overall need intimacywith each other.
Speaker 2 (56:18):
And you never know what a person is going through
and what that hug could do forthem.
Absolutely that smile, that youknow, that kind word.
We, we are still human and westill need to be able to have
some humanism and not reallykind of make our kids feel like
they can't express themselvesbecause they just turn to other
emotions.
Speaker 1 (56:38):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (56:38):
To express themselves , and it's just not fair to them
.
Speaker 1 (56:41):
My babe said humanism , y'all got my babe throwing
around the triple word scores ony'all.
But no, you know, I think it'sreally plain and I'll end it on
this.
You know I think um for mepersonally, you know my dad, you
know he was born in 1927, manin duncanville, alabama, and
they just didn't grow up likethat.
You know, my dad was a reallysoft-spoken guy, you know, very
(57:04):
nice guy, very guy, but hewasn't all into physical
intimacy and stuff like that.
He wasn't going to embrace me.
No hugs, I don't remember evergetting a hug from him, except
at my, my dad and my brother'sfuneral.
And um, and I'm and even thenI'm I'm kind of just blurrily
guessing, I can't remember it.
Um, but I remember the day hepassed away I laid, I laid on
(57:27):
him.
You know he was in the hospitalbed and I laid my head next to
his on his pillow and just kindof put my arm around him and it
felt so good and it never dawnedon me that I really wanted that
.
I never even.
It never crossed my mind.
So right then, right when itwas too late, I was like oh, I
want it.
I didn't even know, didn't evenknow, and I remember my stepmom
(57:50):
looking down at me and I thinkshe realized.
You know, I think she realizedbecause she just kind of rubbed
me, rubbed me on my back, youknow, and um, you know, it's
just one of the things, man.
So you know, I encourageeverybody man to learn how to be
courageous enough to love eachother.
Man.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
No, my grandma told me, god islove, love is god.
(58:11):
So, you know, ain't nothingwrong with love.
Let god show, let god runthrough us yeah, ain't nothing
wrong with that.
So, um, on that note, I'm gonnaskip ls's other 43 questions
because we are at our time limit.
Man, I really appreciate himgreat show.
Speaker 2 (58:30):
Thank you so much, everyone, for your questions, we
appreciate it and they were.
Speaker 1 (58:33):
They were dope questions thank you so much I
know I sent it all last minute,but we had good feedback.
Babe, I want to thank you somuch thank you for inviting me.
This was fun you might evenhave your own podcast one day,
who knows who?
Speaker 2 (58:49):
knows what's next for the Neonaya race.
Who knows, who knows.
Speaker 1 (58:54):
So thank everybody for listening.
Man, I love this show.
I had a ton of fun Wonderfulshow, thank you.
So yeah, that was us Five yearsago, five years younger, five
years, uh, less experience, butI would think we, we actually,
and we pretty similar man.
(59:15):
I think a lot of the things wesay now we were saying back then
.
You know, I think god has justshowed up and proven itself even
more, a lot of the things thathe was revealing.
He revealed a little bit moreto us now, but really good to go
back and bring a lot of thatthought.
That was real raw, that wasreal deep and personal and
(59:36):
vulnerable.
So, yeah, next week we'll beback.
I don't know which topic we'regoing to hit.
We got two on the slate Eithergoing to be sex matters in
marriage sex or money matters inmarriage finances.
We're going to hit one of thetwo.
Both of them are dope.
Stay tuned with us right hereon the Open Book Podcast.
(59:56):
Y'all, we love y'all.
Peace.
What's good everybody .
This is Jay from the Open BookPodcast.
I know you're used to hearingmy wife Nia say what's up, and
it's your girl, nia.
Right now she's actually atwork and I'm recording this
little preamble to put at thebeginning of our episode.
Just full transparency, man,it's been a very hectic week.
(00:22):
We got a lot going on.
We celebrated a lot forFather's Day, we were out for
dinner and then we went aroundto some cemeteries and we're
finding like we typically visitmy wife's grandfather's grave.
(00:43):
We went to look for my daughterJuliet's great-grandfather's
grave and we actually found hergreat-great-grandfather's grave.
We visited one of my cousin'sgrave and my stepbrother.
It was really dope, really dope.
We got some good exercise,walking around all those
(01:05):
cemeteries, finding each spot.
But it was a really goodFather's Day.
As every year, I really justwant to be around my children,
so it's really dope for me tohave opportunity to spend the
whole day with them and justpour into them right, just spend
the whole day focused on family, and I got a chance to really
pour into them, especiallyJuliette, who just turned 18
(01:27):
this year.
So me just pouring in, you know, things that I feel like can
help her through adulthoodtelling her things about how
much I believe in her, speakingover her future, speaking
prosperity and greatness intoher future, telling her who she
is, things that she'll need toknow as she goes through life
and experience challenges.
(01:47):
She'll know what she's made ofso she don't crumble.
It was really super dope.
Shout out to my wife for alwaysplanning everything and getting
everything rolling and havingthe energy to get us all
everywhere we need to go.
Shout out to all of my kids forjust being dope.
But, with that said, we did notget a chance to record this
(02:07):
week's episode, but, again, mywife being as dope as she is,
she came through this morningand was like yo, do you remember
?
You know, a few years back onyour podcast, we did an episode
for Father's Day where we wentdeep into our relationships with
our fathers.
(02:27):
So I went into the archives andI grabbed that episode.
It was from five years ago whenI was doing a podcast called
Jay Floyd Speaks Life and mywife was the third episode and
we really sat down and we gotdeep.
We talked about our fathers,the impact of our fathers on us.
So, to my wife's point, that'sa really relevant topic right
(02:48):
now.
I know a lot of y'all might havecelebrated Father's Day
recently.
Some of y'all may have had agreat one, some of y'all have,
you know, may have some painaround Father's Day.
So, yeah, sit back and enjoythis episode, this flashback of
me and my beautiful wife Nia wewas a little bit younger, just a
(03:11):
tiny bit younger talking aboutour fathers Peace.
This is a Father's Day episode.
This is a really special one.
Usually I set up theseinterviews with people, but this
one is going to be more like aconversation.
Right, I wanted to really hitthe topic of fatherhood, and
what better person to have withme to talk about such a big
(03:32):
topic than the person that I'mone flesh with?
You know the person who youknow our experiences with our
fathers would directly affect usthe most, and that is my wife,
dania Floyd, aka Dania Narrates.
What's going on, babe?
Speaker 2 (03:45):
What's going on.
Happy Father's Day.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
How you living.
Speaker 2 (03:48):
I'm good.
Speaker 1 (03:49):
How are you?
I'm doing really good, man, I'mdoing really good.
I'm feeling great about thisepisode.
How you feeling.
Speaker 2 (03:54):
I'm feeling good.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
You know, one of the things I wanted to do was kind
of talk about a lot of the areasof fatherhood.
So I thought you know one ofthe places where you know where,
if we have a good or badrelationship with our father or
whatever it is, the place whereit appears the most is in the
family, in the marriage.
When you go off and you try tolive your own life and then you
(04:19):
try to raise your kids and be afather or be a mother, that's
where that effect comes up.
So I really wanted to sit downand talk about it today, babe.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
I think that's a great idea.
All right, so let's get intothis you ready, let's go.
Speaker 1 (04:31):
You ready to rock?
Ready to rock?
All right, well, let's do this.
Okay, so you know, for me, oneof the things I know, and I
wrote down this first questionbecause, for me, historically,
sometimes big holidays give meanxiety, right.
So you know it's like.
What am I?
What am I feeling?
As you know, Father's Day comesup, the pressures of it, or you
(04:54):
know what I might have to dofor you as a daughter, as a wife
of a person who is a father.
What are your feelings as theday comes up?
Speaker 2 (05:07):
So for me it's really about celebrating you and, you
know, really getting with thekids and doing what we do to
make the day special for you.
We call uncle just to, you know, wish him a happy Father's Day
as well, and then I'll usuallyshoot off a text or give my dad
(05:27):
a quick call and then that'spretty much it.
So I don't really have any.
I think it's exciting becausewe get to celebrate and, you
know, really do fun things foryou, um, but as far as like
reaching out to other people,and you know, um, you hear a lot
of people say, oh, my dad, mydad and I, people, and you know
you hear a lot of people say, oh, my dad, my dad and I'm
celebrating.
And you know I don't have anyof those types of notions or
(05:51):
anything like that.
It's just, you know my focus ismore on you than anybody.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Well, I got to say, for one thing I really
appreciate you.
I think you do a great job.
I appreciate you too, youknowall y'all do some creative
things sometimes.
Man, listen, there's actuallywhere we are recording right now
is in our dining room and thereis a uh right behind me.
There's a picture of uh, thekids, and you know all three of
(06:15):
our kids and they have I loveyou, dad, on their feet and you
know their feet are out and it'slike it was really dope how
y'all did that man, it was a lotof fun it was.
Speaker 2 (06:27):
It was a lot of pictures, but you know, we just
I just really kind of let themdo what they wanted to do.
It was more so than focusing.
Just make sure your feet staywhere I put them.
Everywhere else can do, you cando whatever you want to do, but
just keep your feet right wherethey are faces and everything
got some really good shots hey,you know that that's a really
(06:48):
good age.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
You know the ages where they were was still young
enough where, like you said, itwas goofy, everybody played
their part and had fun.
I love that kind of stuff, so Ireally appreciate you and the
fact that you do that kind ofthing, you know know Anytime.
So let's go back to thebeginning.
I know you touched on a fewthings already, but let's go
back in our history.
(07:09):
Right, let's talk about theancestors you know, back to
Africa.
Now we can't go back to Africa.
Although we did get ourancestry thing going on, we
still don't got enough info togo back there.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
No.
Speaker 1 (07:21):
Let's talk about our grandfathers.
You know everybody.
To go back there.
No, let's talk about ourgrandfathers.
You know everybody, you know,you know, in the line
biologically we got two of them,but do we know them?
You know, I know like for me,my mom's father was out of the
picture, like she only met himone time in her life and that
was way before I was born.
Uh, my dad's father, uh, hehappened to die almost exactly a
(07:45):
year before I was born.
He passed away, so I didn'treally get to see any of my
grandfathers, but that wouldhave been a good place to kind
of start seeing what hisfatherhood looked like.
Yeah, well, what was yourexperience with grandfathers?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Well, both of my mom's parents died when she was
younger, so no experience there.
And then my dad's parents.
My mom and my dad divorced whenI was I don't know, I was
probably about eight or ninewhen they separated, when I was
seven, so I don't have a lot ofmemories of them.
(08:21):
I do remember that going overmy grandparents' house, it was
very rare and they had a blackcat and it was a mean black cat
and they always had nuts andthey always had cheese, always
the good stuff.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
And it's funny how you remember some like random
stuff, just random.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
I don't really remember them.
I just remember what theirhouse was like and that's and we
would have to go in the backroom and they had this
stationary bike with a TV and abed back there and that was kind
of where we had to hang outwhenever we went over there and
that was pretty much it.
My grandmother passed away whenI was I was in second grade and
(09:04):
then my grandfather.
I didn't have a relationshipwith him at all and so he got
sick when I was more in like inmy 20s and he went to go live
with my dad for a while beforethey put him in a nursing home
and he passed away.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Did you get to see that?
Speaker 2 (09:20):
I did not, no, no, I didn't.
So I didn't really have agrandparents that I could really
call on and build arelationship with.
Speaker 1 (09:30):
But you have a couple of those mental Polaroids I got
some Polaroids.
Yeah, because I mean, when youtalk about the cheese, the
plastic on the couches.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Yeah, I got some.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Polaroids or the exercise bike.
You know the crazy thing aboutthem, thing about them.
You will never forget that.
Speaker 2 (09:45):
No.
Even now, 37 years later, Istill remember that.
I still remember that.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
You will be 90 years old talking about the cheese,
the nuts, the exercise.
It was good cheese, you knowlisten, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
They had that good deli cheese and they had all
different types.
It was delicious.
Did they have the?
Speaker 1 (10:04):
pickles, jelly cheese and they had all different
types.
It was delicious.
Did they have the pickles?
I know a lot of grandparentsalways had the pickles?
Speaker 2 (10:08):
No, they didn't have pickles.
I don't remember them havingpickles.
They did have a lot of walnuts,though.
Speaker 1 (10:12):
What was that about?
Did we stop getting walnuts?
Did people stop doing that?
Or do you got to reach acertain age before you do that?
I mean, why get them?
Speaker 2 (10:21):
home when you can just buy them in a bag.
You know, they old school, theywant to just sit and kick their
feet up and crack them open.
Crack them open yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
It was an active snack.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
It was an active snack yeah.
I'm not into the active snack,maybe while they was reading the
paper or something, I don'tknow.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
I no.
So so let's get down to if ourgrandfathers?
We didn't really have thatexperience.
You have a couple polar words,which is great.
What about our fathers?
Um, you know, our directexperience with julius floyd and
dennis cummings, you know, wasour.
What was our relationships likeand our experience.
You want to go first or youwant me to go first?
Speaker 2 (11:04):
I can go first, so I was the only girl.
Speaker 1 (11:08):
My mom, and that's huge.
Speaker 2 (11:09):
That's huge.
My mom had three kids.
My sister had a differentfather from us we have a 10 year
age difference and then mybrother came first and then me.
So came um first and then me.
So you're the baby, I'm thebaby of my mom's kids, yeah, and
then um.
Well, actually my father hadanother child before he met my
mom.
He had a son and then him andmy mom separated and he got
(11:33):
remarried and then I had twomore brothers.
So, um, still the baby, and Idon't really have very many
memories of my dad.
Still the only girl.
Still the only girl.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
That's huge.
Speaker 2 (11:49):
I don't have a lot of memories of us being together
as a family.
I have just like a couple, butnot anything significant.
Speaker 1 (11:58):
So how old were you when they broke up?
Speaker 2 (12:02):
I was about seven, so it was right after my birthday
I had a really big birthdayparty.
We had just moved out to MapleHeights, maple Maple.
It was the summer of 88.
We moved out to Maple Heights.
I had a really big party andshortly after that my parents
separated and I actually seen mydad leave.
So it was literally like anargument and he took some
(12:24):
clothes.
I guess my, my grandmother gavemy mom a lot of like beautiful
dresses that he took with themand left.
I remember that, I rememberthat.
And then I remember right aftermy mom just went ham and just
working and making sure she getthe bills and things paid, he
kind of came around a little bitjust sporadically and then as I
(12:49):
was coming up he would comearound if we called.
So it was more of a.
You know, if you need something, call me, but not like on
demand.
Yeah, it wasn't like a formalrelationship I want to come
because I want to see you guys,type of thing.
You know it would be like thevisitations, because you know of
course that was in place.
But it was a lot of times wherewe send in the driveway with
(13:11):
our suitcases just kind ofwaiting for dad to come, late
nights, some times where we wentover there and my brother was
more so interested in going thanI was, because it was just kind
of weird for me.
You know, um, this is newfamily, this new woman, these
other kids and, um, you know hemarried someone who or she had a
son and then they had moretogether.
(13:32):
So it was just a little awkwardfor me.
So I really wasn't kind ofinterested in the whole going to
see dad thing, unless you knowit was kind of like a once, once
or twice a year.
He would come by and kind ofhang out for a little bit now,
that's one thing I want to.
Speaker 1 (13:45):
That you mentioned is that, with you being the only
girl, and then there's boys, andthen there's more boys, and
then there's your dad.
It's like when, when yourbrother wanted to go over there
maybe it was because theenvironment was more his vibe,
you know and there there wasn'ta lot of concessions made to
make it feel like a place whereyou wanted to be.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
No, I was not interested, like at all.
I just didn't feel I didn'twant to go.
I was very clear with my momabout that and she was very you
know, that's your decision.
If you don't want to go, thenyou don't have to.
So I didn't know, I didn't go.
And you know the funny thing ismy my sister says you know,
it's so unfortunate that you andyour dad don't have a closer
(14:27):
relationship because he wascrazy about you when you were a
little girl.
Wow, he always wanted a girl andhe was so crazy about you, so
it it almost breaks my heart tokind of see that you guys don't
have a stronger relationshipthan what you do.
Speaker 1 (14:42):
How does that make you feel to hear that it's?
Speaker 2 (14:43):
a little sad, you know cause I mean it's not like
it's lack of effort on my part,but you know, I mean it is what
it is.
You know some people.
You just got to meet them wherethey are and love them from a
distance.
Speaker 1 (14:54):
Have you, have you been to really like sit down and
just kind?
Speaker 2 (15:03):
of really say who is my dad and why would he be like
that, to try to understand himand his shortcomings.
So, um, I want to say it wasright after we got married,
because my dad was a part of ourwedding, he um him and my mom
walked me down.
I wanted to give him theopportunity.
Even though he wasn't there, Istill wanted to give him that
opportunity to be able to walkme down.
So it was a a shared walk.
Speaker 1 (15:21):
And it was a great day.
Speaker 2 (15:22):
It was a wonderful day.
He came around a lot more afterthat, especially after honor
was born, and he really kind oftold me stories about how him my
mom met and when they separatedand him and his childhood and
growing up.
So I got to learn a lot aboutwho he was and kind of
understand some of the decisionsthat he's made.
(15:43):
I think that really kind ofchanged my thought process on
how I viewed him.
Speaker 1 (15:51):
Yeah.
So what is it like now?
What does it feel like for younow?
Speaker 2 (15:55):
You know I love my dad.
I don't see him often still.
I mean, it was a point lastyear, year before we would just
kind of pop up over his house,because you know it was like.
You know, we don't really know,um you just kind of pop up over
there just to kind of see himback when he was working.
We would just kind of pop upover.
He's retired now but um, youknow, like I've seen him quite a
(16:17):
few times this year and um youknow I always shoot him a text,
or you know, try to spend sometime with him I think it's dope
that you set up some time andschedule time to go do things
that he likes.
Speaker 1 (16:30):
You reached out to.
You know, go to bingo with him.
My dad is an avid bingo player.
Speaker 2 (16:34):
So, yeah, I I realized that I'm not gonna be,
I'm not gonna get those kinds ofcalls, I'm not gonna get those.
Hey, I want to come'm not goingto get those, hey, I want to
come over and see you guys.
That's, that may never happen.
It hasn't happened and it maynever happen, and so that's kind
of my cross.
You know, I have to be able tounderstand that, you know, and I
and I, and one of the things Ialso noticed is that when he
(16:56):
does come around, he's reallynervous.
And so, you know, I just reallytry to love on him because I
don't really know where he ismentally by coming over here and
spending time with us, becausehe doesn't see us that much.
He has grandchildren, he has ason-in-law, he has, you know,
this daughter that he didn'treally get a chance to spend
much time with.
So I don't really know how hefeels when he comes here.
(17:18):
So I just really try to love onhim and make him feel welcome.
He feels when he comes here, soI just really try to love on
him and make him feel welcome.
But it's usually by invite andso, you know, I just really try
to just extend myself.
Sometimes, you know, I kind offeel some kind of way about it.
I kind of feel like you know,why do I have to put forth all
of this effort just to see mydad?
And then I'm just like you knowwhat, god only he blessed me
(17:39):
with one father, and you knowI'm supposed to honor him,
whether I want to or not,whether I, you know, cause
sometimes it's really just abouthaving grace and sometimes I
don't feel like it.
Sometimes I'm just like youknow what, no, I should have a
dad that calls me.
I should have a dad that wantsto come see me and be present in
his grandkids life.
(18:01):
But at the end of the day,that's not what I have.
And I still love him becausehe's my father and um, and I
think that deep down inside he,he wants to do those things, but
it, you know, I don't know what, what is going on with him, and
so I'm gonna love him from afar.
And, you know, on those timeswhere it's like, hey, I want to
see you on a, you know, spendsome time with you, we'll do
(18:22):
that, we'll go and we'llschedule time to see him.
And you know, just do that.
I, you know, it was a rememberwhen I told him that we were
getting married.
He, he told me that.
And this was after we gotmarried, when we sat down and
talked and he told me, he saidyou know, it messed me up to
(18:45):
hear that you were gettingmarried.
Because here it is.
I'm supposed to be the personthat you fall in love with first
and I've been gone for so longand you done met somebody and
you done found that love and Ididn't even get a chance to show
you what that looked like andthat hurt my heart so much
because, it's true.
But you know, in the midst ofthat, I'm thankful to God for
(19:08):
placing such an amazing personin my life to give me that love,
to love me, you know, and fillthose gaps.
And you know, just God's lovefills those gaps.
So, um, yeah, I thought I justwas like wow, okay.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I think that's a word .
Man, wow, that's really good.
That's a.
I think that's a testimony toforgiveness yeah.
I think you do a great job withit.
I like the fact that you saidyou know I should, or I wish I
had a parent like blah blah blah, but I don't.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
I don't.
Speaker 1 (19:38):
I have this, so it's like I think that's something a
lot of people can take note to,because they feel the same way.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
You know, we can sit and harp on what we could have,
should have, would have, wish wehad, yeah, but we got what we
got and I have my moments, youknow, but at the end of the day
I have, I'm grateful for what Ihave.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:02):
And I'm okay with that, you know you just, it's
about boundaries and settingthose boundaries and not you
know you got to be comfortablewith where you are before you go
, reach out to people and youknow, meet them where they are.
Speaker 1 (20:09):
What does that look like to have some boundaries?
I know that's something I mean.
We all struggle with boundaries, like.
What does that look like,though?
How do we do that?
Speaker 2 (20:21):
You know, I don't know.
I guess maybe it's easy for meto do it from afar.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:25):
Because when I see him you know it's all love and
it's.
You know it's kind of like abittersweet thing because it's
like man, I feel so good hangingout with you and being here
with you.
But you know, sometimes it'skind of like OK, so when is the
next time it's?
Going to happen.
You know like OK, am I going totalk to you in another month or
so.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
You know, one thing I noticed, and I think you
touched on it and I think isreally kind of pertinent to the
story, is you know you said whenhe comes around he's nervous,
and you know he also is notnervous to talk to me.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
No.
Or to talk to dudes, you know,to talk to Speed or talk to
somebody else, or even mybrother, or maybe not even his
kids or my sister.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
So I think you know, and like you said, maybe, and
like you said your sisteralluded to is, you know, you his
only girl.
I wonder if he has feelings ofinadequacy, of not being good
enough you know what I mean andmaybe he feels nervous.
I don't know how to do this.
How do you parent a girl?
Maybe he doesn't, maybe hefeels that.
Maybe that's the root of thatnervousness, I wonder.
Speaker 2 (21:31):
I don't know, Maybe you know, one of the things that
I'm always conscious of is tomake sure I give him a really
big hug and tell him I love him.
And that really big hug andtell him I love him and that I'm
so happy to see him and I'm sohappy he came and.
I do that when I see him andwhen I leave, yeah, just to let
him know, like you know,everything to happen, all of
that stuff to happen.
Let's just really celebratethis moment that we have
(21:53):
together, you know, because Ilove it, we can move on to the
next.
I don't know if I'm gonna seeyou tomorrow, so let's just
celebrate what we have righthere and let's end it on a good
note.
And, you know, let that be ourlast memory together, so that
way, if we see each other againnext time, we can build a new
memory.
Let's build these memories now.
(22:13):
Let's not focus on all of thisstuff that happened back in the
past, because, granted, it'sbuilt me, it's shaped us both
and it has a lot to do with howour relationship is, because
there's times when we see eachother and we don't have much to
say, but we're spending thattime spending that time and you
know, maybe next time we'll havemore, there'll be more for us
to build on.
So, just being intentional, sayssomething real powerful.
Speaker 1 (22:36):
You said it shaped you.
How do you think that affectedyou?
Relationship wise.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Well, I mean, you know, not having your dad around
is a lot of rejection in that,you know, especially if you're
reaching out and there's, youknow I'm not getting a reach
back.
So it's a lot of rejection inthat.
It's a lot of no trust.
I have no trust.
I don't need.
I don't take you for your word.
I don't believe you.
You got to show me.
Your actions need to show Cause.
(23:06):
You know you could say you gotbetter.
Speaker 1 (23:10):
But when we first met , it was like bruh, bruh, but no
, I mean, but I mean.
Isn't that the story?
Speaker 2 (23:18):
of a lot of women, though, I'm saying no, your
father.
I mean, you know you have thatlove from your mother, but your
father is the first personthat's going to show you what a
relationship, what type of man,you potentially want to be with
when you get older.
Give you a sense of protection.
(23:38):
Give you a sense of protection,give you that security that
they give you all of the things,the characteristics that you
want to hopefully see and findin the person that you grow up
to marry, and I didn't have that.
What I did have was what Ididn't want, okay.
So I know that he said he ain't.
He said he coming and he ain'tcome.
So I gotta have somebody whogonna be strong on their word,
(23:59):
all right.
So I don't want no liar, I wantnobody that's gonna cheat, you
know.
So it's so many levels to that,so I was looking a lot for
somebody like my dad thenegative list.
I had the list of I didn't wantto, won't yeah.
I ain't looking for somebodylike my dad.
I'm looking for somebody thatis going to love on me and that
doesn't have a face.
Yeah, that's.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
That's.
That's powerful man, you know,and I, you know I think I've
touched on this a couple oftimes you know me and my father,
um, you know, my parents gotdivorced right around the same
age.
I was five, except they splitup when I was two months old,
yeah, so I never really saw themtogether, they just went
through that whole.
You know a lot of a lot ofcouples just take a long time to
(24:40):
actually get divorced you know,I mean that's what my parents
did.
It was like this is over, butlet's just linger on it for a
while before, really, we reallyput the papers in right so when
they really got divorced, youknow, usually and the thing that
I've seen I won't say usually,but what I've seen a lot is the
divorce happens when the dude'sabout to get remarried which is
what happens for for my dad.
(25:00):
You know, they just split up,went their separate ways and
when he was ready to getremarried he had to go ahead and
finalize that divorce so he cando it.
And you know, for me, um, youknow, my mom was a really,
really, really, um, uh, I'mtrying to think of the
vocabulary word that fits in.
(25:21):
I mean, uh uh, fire brand shewas, uh, she was a firecracker,
a piece of work.
Piece of work, you know likeyou she.
You know how.
You know certain people.
That's like the last one youwant to cross.
That's my mom, you know, and sohe crossed her and so he
(25:42):
crossed her.
And so, you know, bitter, bitter, bitter, bitter divorce.
You know so.
She was out for blood andvengeance and you know, at the
end of the day, me and mybrother kind of suffered because
you know, every victory thatshe got caused, you know, my dad
to be further away from us.
You know so.
You know, growing up my dadwasn't around, but it wasn't
because he didn't want to be,and I didn't know that until I
was older.
You know, it's not like my momwas like your father don't want
(26:05):
to see you, but it was.
You know, as you're young, ifyou don't really, if somebody
don't really explain it to youright, in a really good, loving
way, yeah, how are you supposedto know?
All you know is you don't seeyour dad, period.
So I just felt like I'm one ofthose fatherless people, I'm one
of those people who don't seetheir father and I'm one of
those people whose father is notthere for them, even though my
(26:28):
father would have been there forme at every turn had they not
been going through such a roughdivorce and him having so many
roadblocks to that you know, sowhen I got to be an adult, you
know my mom, you actually, as ateenager, I started making some
decisions that my mom didn'treally like.
Like I got the child support cutoff.
You know, my dad was like, hey,you turn this thing off and
(26:52):
I'll give you anything you want.
You know, that was his bigthing.
Just don't take from me, right,I will give it to you, you know
, and I did at 16.
I was like, let's turn thisthing off, let me see.
And he was a man of his wordand it was like man.
So it started giving me aglimpse of if I open my heart to
this man, you know, maybe I can, you know, have something.
(27:13):
After all, I can have whateverybody else got that I'm so
jealous of.
So, you know, by the time I wasin my 20s and then finally to
my 30s, we had, I really openedmy heart to him and we got a
really good relationship goingon and I made the decision, you
know, with the help of the HolySpirit, because it was not just
me.
I was not mature enough, thedecision was made to really just
(27:36):
look at him as my father onlyAt every opportunity I gave him.
What did, did he do?
And only judge him on that?
I couldn't judge him on that.
That whole stuff would happenwith my mom because I, to this
day, I'm 43 years old and Istill don't know yeah,
everything that happened.
All I know is they got divorced.
I don't know because it ain'treally my business at the end of
(27:57):
the day, because I can't figureit out.
All I could do is judge them onwhat happened with us and when
it came time for him to be afather, to me personally, he was
an A-plus father, a-plus, youknow.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Yay, daddy Floyd, exactly.
Speaker 1 (28:11):
So I kind of got you know two sides of it and I got a
little bit of healing.
You know he passed away when Iwas 34.
Actually, when we met, when wemet.
I did not get a chance to meetdaddy yes, the week that we met,
uh, my dad passed away onfather's day yeah you know which
is which is.
(28:31):
It was rough, it's rough, butit's only as rough as I give it
the power to be rough.
You know what I mean.
So it's just he passed away ona day.
It just happened to be beFather's Day.
But hey, it's Father's Day, soI'm going to celebrate him you
know what I mean and shout outto you, because you always
suggest that we go visit.
Speaker 2 (28:49):
Oh, we're going to see Daddy Floyd.
Speaker 1 (28:51):
At the cemetery every Father's Day.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
We're taking the kids , we're going, we take a picture
.
Speaker 1 (29:04):
Even when it's been very rough for me, you still
suggest it and it's always agreat visit and I really
appreciate that.
Um, I know when we met you knowyour struggles with your dad
was a topic that you did notwant to close door.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
You didn't want to go touch the knob.
Speaker 1 (29:14):
It was not happening, man don't bring it up, we ain't
talking about it.
Subject but you did.
Let me in a little bit and letme talk about it.
And not only that you werethere it's not like you was just
closed door on father stuffbecause then you turned around
and was there at every step forme, even pushing me to really
get some real healing, and Ireally appreciate that.
(29:36):
And that's one of the reasons Iwanted us to talk about
fatherhood, because you know allthese struggles that we go
through and everybody.
That's one of the reasons Iwanted us to talk about
fatherhood, because you know allthese struggles that we go
through and everybody that'slistening.
All the struggles we go through, they're going to affect us and
they're going to really hithome when it comes time for us
to try to get it right ourselves, try to get married, try to
have families and raise kids.
All that stuff start bubblingup, man.
(29:57):
And you got to really seek somehealing.
Yeah, you got to seek God.
You got to really seek somehealing.
Yeah, you got to seek God.
You got to let the Holy Spiritwork on you.
You got to seek counsel.
You got to go to therapy.
You got to talk to some peoplewho have been through it.
You know what I mean Reach outto your peoples, because God
plays people all around us thatcan help us out with this kind
of stuff.
He absolutely does.
So again, shout out to you babe, I love you.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
I love you too, and you did really great.
Thank you for being open tothat, because it's you know,
it's one thing to say, hey,let's go visit.
Speaker 1 (30:26):
Yeah, I was willing.
I won't say I was extremelyopen.
You weren't Some of it.
Speaker 2 (30:32):
I was like ugh, but you went.
Yes, you know you could stillfeel like, hey, I don't want to
celebrate Father's.
Day even though I'm a father.
I don't want to celebrate.
That's not a good day for me.
Speaker 1 (30:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (30:43):
But that's not what you do.
We go and we take pictures andyou have your moment.
The kids have their moment toreally talk and spend time, and
it's a good day.
Speaker 1 (30:53):
And listen.
I want to shout out you know,just encourage anybody out there
who's looking for their mate.
You know when anybody out therewho's looking for their mate,
you know when you're looking man, do not men, women, don't just
look for the person that putsyou in a comfort zone, a person
that gives you what you'vealways gotten.
If you get something that'skind of pushing you to get
(31:14):
better, talk to god about that.
You know what I mean and try toget some clarity on it, because
I know for me a lot of thestuff that we went through, you
were pushing me out of mycomfort zone and I ain't like it
.
You know, it wasn't fun.
No but it was the best for meand I wouldn't be who I am had
you not done it.
You know what I mean had I notbeen open to receive it.
(31:35):
So, listen, god knows what he'sdoing when he puts us together
with people.
I think a lot of times we ruinit and we run away because we
don't want to get pushed out ofour comfort zone.
But God don't want us in thecomfort zone.
Man, listen up.
Y'all All right.
So we're going to get into acouple of things.
The last thing we talked aboutour grandparents.
We talked about our fathers.
(31:56):
We talked about how our fathershave affected relationships and
marriage.
What about parenting?
How does that affect how weapproach parenting?
You know, and I know, we have aI won't say a unique situation,
is actually the probably themore normalized common situation
, and that we have a blendedfamily.
(32:16):
And then, um, you know so, whenwe met and got married, I had a
daughter from a previousrelationship, and so you know
that throws an additionalchallenge into, you know, being
a family and building thoseblocks, and so, on top of us
having issues from our fathers,good and bad experiences that we
bring into it, you know.
(32:38):
Then we have to start to.
How do we build and let Godmove us past this generational
type thing that we got going on,which a lot of us have going on
with blended families.
But so how do you think yourexperience with fatherhood in
general?
Yeah, as you grew up, as youwere shaped like you said, it
shaped you.
(32:58):
How did it affect how youapproach parenting or overall in
our family?
Speaker 2 (33:03):
um, so I think that you know, with me not having my
dad around, it reallyhighlighted my mom more, and my
mom was not easy.
She still ain't easy, okay.
Yeah, mary is, she ain't nojoke, ok, so you know, she's a
little old school, she's very,is a, she's very old school.
(33:25):
Her, her, her mind frame is youneed to struggle, I'm a show,
you get that one good time.
Then after that you need tofigure it out.
Yeah, don't come.
Oh you, oh, you working now.
Oh, okay, so you go ahead andget out there and you can buy
all your own clothes andeverything that you need, cause
(33:45):
you don't.
So I, I, I, I learned early toto figure it out and I learned
to, um, to really not depend onanybody.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
So, um, is that a plus or minus?
Speaker 2 (34:00):
It could be both.
Yeah, it could be both.
I think that it was both.
For me it was, um, it was aplus for me because, you know, I
knew how to get out there andand and make it happen and, you
know, and find me a job and workand pay my bills and really be
good with budgeting and money.
Um, you know, but it was alsowhen we got married.
(34:21):
It was a minus because it waslike, okay, I can take the trash
out, I can, you know, oh, weabout to buy this thing and I'm
gonna put it together and fix itmyself and you know, I don't
have to really let anybody inbecause you know, I'm I'm really
so used to being closed off andhandling everything on my own.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
I'm not going to let you in.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
emotionally, I'm not going to really do that Because
I don't have to.
I don't have to be vulnerableyou know, I'm so used to being
on my own and you know, nothaving to put those emotions out
there.
So, yeah, I mean it's both.
You know really having tocompromise and being vulnerable.
Vulnerability is stillsomething that I struggle with.
It's still something that Istruggle with with our kids.
(34:56):
Just because I mean I didn'thave that, I didn't see
vulnerability when I came out.
I want to say that I only seemy mom cry maybe once, and that
was only because we brokesomething and she just got home
from work.
She was tired, you know.
She was like, oh, I can't youknow, so it wasn't like a oh my
gosh, I'm, you know, like it wasa frustration.
(35:17):
It wasn't I'm struggling, no,it no.
My mom was a hustler.
She had all kinds of jobs, so Igot to see that, I saw her work
, her work ethic.
So you know, I think for methat's kind of what it's been.
You know, with parenting isreally trying to be vulnerable
with the kids and you know, youknow, really I think that I try
(35:40):
to pour into them a lot because,you know, with my mom working
all the time, my dad not beingthere, I didn't have that at
home.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
um, you know, that's that's actually that's really
insightful for me, because I donotice that you do that yeah,
and I didn't know what thedriver of that was.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
Yeah, I didn't have that.
I didn't have, um, you know,stuff that happened in school or
you know that wasn't like I'mnot coming home and telling my
mom about that.
You know, I just kind of Iwould talk to my friends and if
I didn't have my friends to talkto, I talked to my sister or I
didn't have anybody to talk toabout it.
So you know my I wasn't tryingto burden my mom with my
(36:16):
problems, knowing that she hadall of this work and she want to
come home and she just want tokind of wind down.
So I really just try to pourinto my kids and really just
know, let them know that I lovethem and you know that there we
can talk.
I'm here, we can develop thatrelationship, because I feel
that it's really important togive that to your kids and, you
know, have the memories of thefirst day of school and just
(36:38):
have those things that they canlook back on.
And it could just be becausethat I didn't have those things,
I can't.
We took a lot of pictures, butyou know some of the things that
I like my dad wasn't there forgraduations, any of my
graduations.
When they're for my proms, youknow he would buy me something
to wear to it, but he wasn'tgoing to be there for because he
had to work and he wasn't goingto be there for it because he
had to work and he wasn't aboutto miss work for that.
(36:59):
So really just pouring intothem that love, I guess,
essentially that attention thatI didn't really get, wow.
Speaker 1 (37:08):
That is, you know, one.
That's why I'm really glad wedid this show, because that's
really, you know, I'm learningthings about you as well and
learning things about us, andit's making sense to me.
You know, for me, I would say,parenting.
In my experience, it was moreof the lack of my father's
(37:29):
presence that kind of affectedme in the way that I parent, you
know, in the fact that, youknow, my dad moved on and got
remarried, you know, and wedidn't see him a whole lot.
I was with my mom, I wascompletely attached to my mom, I
was mama's boy to the 10thdegree and you know, my mother
was what they call an oversharer, yeah, you know.
(37:50):
So she shared all of hervulnerability, all of her
thoughts, all of her emotionsand you know, that leads to what
I now know is emotional incestwhere you have a relationship
with your children andcommunicate things and thoughts
and feelings to them that youshould be talking to a confidant
(38:11):
about, or your new boyfriend oryour new husband about.
You know, and she shared thatstuff with us us and what
happens is you become theiremotional support, because the
kid don't want to see theirparent broken like that right.
They want to save them rightright.
So what?
Especially for when a, when a,when a, when a woman does it
with boys, the boy then becomes,you know, his mission is to
(38:35):
save his mom.
So when he grows up he developsrelationships that are looking
like they're saving their momtype person.
You know what I mean.
That's why it's an unhealthything, you know.
And even in parenting, what Itry my best to grow out of is to
have that type of relationshipwith our kids.
You know where I'm oversharingor having a, you know, building
(38:59):
a thing where they have asympathy for me and what I'm
going through, you know that'ssomething that you don't want to
do.
So I always try to check myselfto see and I'm going to make
sure I don't approach this in away that goes into that
territory that my mom did.
You know what I mean.
Speaker 2 (39:15):
I think you do an excellent job.
Because I don't?
I?
Speaker 1 (39:17):
don't think.
Speaker 2 (39:18):
I've ever seen or witnessed you do that.
Speaker 1 (39:21):
Yeah, I think I was much, probably more prone to it
when I was younger, you know,and my life turned around the
day that I sat down and saidwhat's wrong with me and why am
I in this situation?
Not, why did all of this stuffhappen to me?
Why are these other peopledoing?
No, what's wrong with me?
Speaker 2 (39:40):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (39:40):
And how do I go about fixing it.
And that was really the momenteverything in my life started to
shift.
Speaker 2 (39:45):
And you know I really have to commend you for that,
because a lot of people justkind of go through life thinking
that it's something wrong witheverybody else.
Yeah, it's not.
I'm about to go see what what'swrong with me and how can I get
healing so that I can move pastthis.
It's like these people aroundme just got issues, it ain't me.
Speaker 1 (40:04):
It's always something else.
Speaker 2 (40:06):
Always somebody yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:08):
But no, it's.
You know and you know raising,raising children is is a
challenge, you know, and we findourselves in these challenges
constantly, every season, everymonth, every week.
Yes, it's something new.
You in these challengesconstantly, every season, every
month, every week.
Yes, it's something new.
You know, um, you know we tryour best to, you know, keep a
christian blueprint.
You know, keep the word in our,in our marriage and in our
family and do our best, but thischallenge is constantly you
(40:31):
know, and the way that our uhfathering affected us is always
going to be a a stumbling block,but it's not the end of the
road, you know.
God reaches in and says I canheal all of that because I am
your heavenly father, I am theultimate father, so I can heal
all of that and I can even showyou how what happened was a
(40:53):
blessing and not a completelybad thing, you know.
So I think that's the reallybeauty of it, you know, because
God will turn all of that and belike you know.
Let me show you how it allcomes together for the story
that I already wrote for you,yes, yes.
That's the beauty of it all.
Speaker 2 (41:09):
Thank you, God, for that.
Yes, indeed.
Speaker 1 (41:12):
So we're coming up on the end of our segment man and
we just have a couple ofquestions.
And man and we just have acouple of questions and um, I
think some of these are going totouch on some topics that we
already hit, but we still wantto shout them out, because I
asked on facebook for somequestions.
And um, shout out to charvez,who gave us this quick question
vz, uh, she said I didn'trealize until I was an adult how
(41:36):
my father's friendship versusfatherhood affected me in the
sense that he never made me feelprecious and protected, he just
made me a cool ass rollie Forboth of you.
What is an example of somethings in your father
relationship that shaped youradulthood that you have had to
forgive or reconcile?
Whew.
Speaker 2 (42:11):
I think just not having a relationship has been
what I've had to forgive andreally reconcile with myself,
because you know, I would havejust had wanted to have, instead
of it being I'm over here to gotake you shopping one this one
time a year, did I come over?
It'd be.
Come on, let's go for ice cream.
And you tell me about how lifeis and what's going on, or let
me let let me call you once aweek and chat with you, so I
(42:36):
would have enjoyed to have that.
But I forgive my father for thatI do.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
That's beautiful.
That's beautiful For me, Ithink, the same thing not being
there because, you know, as akid I kind of put it on him and
you know, I was actually blessedwith an experience where my dad
got sick for the first time inhis life and he was in the
hospital for a day and I wentout and stayed in the room with
(43:02):
him, you know, I pulled up thecot next to his bed and, um, you
know, once the nurse came inand shut the lights down and
everything, he just startedtalking, man, and he told me
about my entire, like myexistence.
Like how did I come to thisworld?
it was like, and I remember hecalled my mom Dorothy instead of
your mother, he always saidyour mother yeah, that day he
(43:27):
said Dorothy, and I looked overand I saw that he loved my
mother and that changed my life.
I never ever thought about thatnever even pie thought about
that, never even pieced togetherthat my parents had love.
Speaker 2 (43:43):
Such a gift to you.
Yeah, for him to do that.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
So that moment you know, I won't even say I had to
forgive or reconcile man theHoly Spirit put me right in that
situation.
It was like look, just look andwatch and see the clarity of
where you came from.
And so, yeah, it changed me.
All right.
So we got another question frommy man, ls, royal LS, sent like
.
He sent like 17 questions.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
We love you.
Thank you, LS.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
That's my man's, though.
Man, I love LS man.
So first one he said do youfeel the negative stigma about
fathers is changing?
Woo, you want to hit down?
Speaker 2 (44:26):
I would say, um, no, yeah, I only and only.
The only reason why I would saythat is because I still see um.
I see in the community of theolder men that you know there
seems especially like peoplethat we're friends with um, that
you know they're very, you knowthey try to celebrate one
(44:47):
another, they're really pushingpeople into like fatherhood
initiatives and, you know,really trying to build them up.
But I want to say maybe withthis younger generation it's
still.
No, I don't think so.
I think that a lot of the timesthey're still in a position
where mom, big mom, is going totake care of the kid.
(45:08):
They're going to step in and dowhat they can and really take
that away from the fatherBecause, one, he don't want to
be bothered or, two, he's notreally in a space to, he doesn't
have the wherewithal to do it.
Speaker 1 (45:21):
You know what I want to just piggyback on something
you said earlier, where wetalked about you being the only
girl that your father had andyou know the different
approaches and how he was muchmore comfortable with the boys,
with the male children.
You know, I think that one ofthe things that we do a
disservice with our kids is thatwhole treating you know so
(45:42):
different you know, and withgirls it's like we're so hard on
them.
They got to be so perfect.
Don't make no mistake.
Don't go out here, get pregnant.
You ruin your life and do thiswhen it's like when a dude go
out, dude could go to, you know,go to prison, get.
Get a couple girl pregnant andwe throw a party for them.
Speaker 2 (46:01):
Yeah, it's all good boys will be boys and grandma
mom, somebody's gonna step ineverybody, step in to take care
of it and make sure everythingis okay.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
But when the woman makes those kind of mistakes,
it's like Because the baby stays.
Speaker 2 (46:14):
It's a completely different story.
It's a different type of impact.
Speaker 1 (46:18):
Ain't nowhere to run.
Speaker 2 (46:19):
No, you have this baby that you're raising and
everybody's impacted by it whereyou know, know and they're
gonna put it right in your face.
Speaker 1 (46:26):
They're gonna hold you to it the men aren't.
Speaker 2 (46:28):
They're not held to that type of responsibility.
Now.
Granted, it's a responsibilityfor both parents because they
both, from jump, came out andsaid, hey, we're gonna, we've
connected.
So the moment that she says,hey, I'm pregnant, dad, you've
stepped into that fatherhoodrole from jump, not when the
(46:50):
baby gets there.
Once the baby's been conceived,you are father.
Speaker 1 (46:55):
Is that a problem?
Society wise, community wiselike, because I mean, I've seen
women be like hey, can you watchyour kid tonight, a father
being with their kid ain'twatching them.
Speaker 2 (47:06):
But I mean, what, what is it?
What are they going to call itif they don't see him?
Now, I agree that you're notwatching your kids.
You're spending quality time,but if you only spend quality
time every six months, onceevery year, I can't catch you.
Now, on the flip side, let menot say that it's like that for
all men, because there's somemen out here who really want to
(47:26):
spend time with their child,their children, and they're not.
They don't have the opportunityto do that because maybe the
mom is being petty orsomething's going on where
they're really trying to do whatthey can do to get their kids
and that's not happening forthem.
So I think there's just a lotof obstacles.
Um, there's just a lot ofobstacles and, and you know,
(47:47):
until both parents want to stepup and be parents and be parents
, whether you're in arelationship or not, because
that's not the kid's fault, yeahthen it's just gonna always be
challenge.
It's always gonna agree with youyou know, I want to feel about
that, babe.
What is your?
What are your thoughts on it?
Speaker 1 (48:07):
um, man, that's a it's really a tough one in that.
Um, you know, in this societyit's just it's kind of
commonplace like that and I dothink that, um, I would like to
say it's changing, because I dosee some uh, some very vocal
fathers stepping up.
I see a lot of, uh, blendedfamilies, you know, fathers and
(48:27):
stepfathers dapping up andtaking pictures and stuff.
I think the blended familysituation has taken a step
forward.
I think people have you know,are starting to learn how to
navigate that thing, becauseit's not so taboo and hidden no
more, you know.
So now there's more out.
I think people are getting moremature about it but, I do agree
with you.
The, the younger generation ofof parents, still got that that
(48:52):
thing where it's like it getsdumped on the mother.
The father kind of gets theskirt.
You know, and I was kind ofjust talking about this on
pinpoints or perspective, lastweek is the the mommy, I know
where to run man, the daddy goman daddy out, man, and so you
know, that's one thing.
Hopefully, the young brothers,man, and you know we, I build
(49:12):
with a lot of young cats and Igot a lot of hope for them, man,
because you know I got a lot ofhope for absolutely, I do too,
because it definitely can changeit absolutely can.
All right now.
Um, this one is a unique one,he said.
Do you see a balance in the sonand daughter relationship, or
is one more important than theother?
So, from a father, is that moreimportant for the son or for
(49:35):
the, for the daughters?
Speaker 2 (49:36):
I don't think that there should be a, I don't think
it should be an importanceplaced on one or the other.
I think it's they're equallyimportant.
You know, the daughter needs toknow who her father is so that
she can learn the things to lookfor.
She needs that love for, butfor for both children.
Their parents are the first oneto show them what love looks
(49:59):
like and they need it now.
Granted they they may needdifferent things from it, but
they both need it.
So I think that the daughterneeds to be able to see hey, I
have this man that she has togrow to love, you know, because
she, she loves mama when shecome out.
Yeah they, they automaticallyattach to mom, so they already
they have to build thisrelationship with that.
(50:21):
So meet that dude, being able tohave that and walk in that as
they grow to kind of developthose things and learn what it
is that they're looking for whenthey get older, what they need
to watch out for, you know, havethat security that they need.
And then, for our young sons,they need to be able to see what
(50:42):
a man looks like, what it lookslike to love on mom, what it
looks like to, you know, beresponsible and do things around
the house, um, and grow intothe man that you're going to be.
So I think it's important fromboth ends.
I don't think that it should bean importance one or the other.
I think that they, they need,they both need it.
Speaker 1 (51:02):
Um for me.
On this one, I'm going to goahead and say what, um, what a
great husband knows how to say.
I agree with my wife.
Speaker 2 (51:10):
110 but do you agree with me?
No, don't say that I do.
I agree with my wife 110 andI'm saying, if you don't agree,
you are hilarious but I do,though I do.
Speaker 1 (51:25):
I think everything you said is on point.
There shouldn't be a difference.
I think we, as we touched on inthe previous question, we got
to stop with this whole.
Um, you know, girls, this yeahboys that you know yeah um, you
know, it kind of ties intoanother question from LS, where
he said do you think chivalryplays, do you think it's a
(51:46):
religious, spiritual or societalact, and is it needed from
fathers especially?
And you know, that kind ofreminds me of the whole like
daddy daughter thing.
You know, take them on dates,take them to dances, and you
know, I've done that kind ofstuff and I do that kind of
stuff.
I think it's I.
I personally do it, though,because I think it's vital that
(52:07):
each parent maintains a uniquerelationship with all the
children.
Speaker 2 (52:12):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (52:13):
It shouldn't always be the parents taking the kids.
You know, sometimes daddy gotto be with the kids or each kid,
and sometimes mommy got to bewith the kids or each kid.
You know, I think that's justthe way it should be.
I don't really look at it asextremely a chivalrous act.
I think chivalry and mannersare all in the same thing.
(52:35):
You know, I think that thosecome from how you actually get
down.
So I think for me, you know,taking, taking the girls to the
daddy daughter dance is is notreally teaching them that a
woman should get this or a womanshould be that it may reinforce
a great bond between us, butthe way I treat you- is going to
(52:57):
tell them what a man should doto a woman.
Yes, you know if I'm around hereyelling at you or if I'm trying
to hit you.
That's what they're going tothink is what is what love looks
like to a woman and what theyshould deserve.
Speaker 2 (53:09):
And I think that it's really important that you say
that, because you know, juliethas a unique situation where she
has her mom and then she comeshere and she has you and she
sees, you know she's with us.
Speaker 1 (53:22):
And she see.
Speaker 2 (53:23):
So she gets a chance to see that, to see her dad in
that space that maybe you knowmost kids don't have the
opportunity to see.
So that's really good that yousaid that, because it is
important.
Speaker 1 (53:35):
And it's something I would have loved to see when I
was younger, you know, to seehow my dad got to navigate, I
got to see it and when I wasolder and I pieced it together
like, oh, now I get what he'sdoing, all right Now.
This next one comes from aniece, a niece Marshall, niece
boogie.
She says how important is itfor fathers to show their
(53:56):
children affection, especiallythe boys.
Speaker 2 (54:01):
Very.
I think that a lot of peoplecome up, uh, men, they come up
thinking that it it creates thesoft kids to not show them like,
hug them and you know, love onthem.
And I, I completely, I disagreewith that, wholeheartedly.
I think that you know youshould.
All kids deserve to know whatthat looks like.
(54:23):
Pick your kid up, hug them,give them a kiss, tell them you
you love him.
Let him cry Because you knowyou're teaching them that it's
not okay for them to haveemotion, it's not okay for them
to feel thing, and they're goingto grow up confused and they're
going to pass that on to theirkids or their friends or whoever
(54:43):
.
Speaker 1 (54:44):
Right now, men we suffer from, we don't know how
to have affection no, you can't.
Speaker 2 (54:50):
You can't give a brother a hug or dab him up
without him thinking, hey,that's that's so.
We were at the parade the otherday and, um, I seen this guy,
somebody came up, this young kidcame up and gave him a hug and
he was like oh no, bro, we don'tdo that, you dat me up why,
can't he give you a hug?
(55:10):
Yeah, it's like, come on, comeon we need more human contact,
one.
Speaker 1 (55:15):
I firmly believe that I think that, as a people
overall, we only learn how totouch each other in a sexual way
.
Man we don't know how to like.
There's a lot of power in ahuman touch.
Speaker 2 (55:27):
Ain't nothing wrong with hugging somebody, man, the
best gift you can give somebodyis a hug or a smile yeah and
it's free or even saying youlove somebody.
Speaker 1 (55:36):
That's that's like.
It's problematic these days,you know, for men and maybe even
women too.
You know we have a problemtelling each other that we love
each other.
You know, until we go.
You know we get our flowersafter we dead you know, so I I
agree with you.
I think the affection thing isvital yes, very vital I think
that you know boys need to learnat a young age.
(55:58):
You can say you love somebody,that you can hug people, that
there's nothing wrong withphysical touch you know we need
to start divorcing intimacy awayfrom sex.
Sex is not the only way thatintimacy occurs.
People overall need intimacywith each other.
Speaker 2 (56:18):
And you never know what a person is going through
and what that hug could do forthem.
Absolutely that smile, that youknow, that kind word.
We, we are still human and westill need to be able to have
some humanism and not reallykind of make our kids feel like
they can't express themselvesbecause they just turn to other
emotions.
Speaker 1 (56:38):
That's true.
Speaker 2 (56:38):
To express themselves , and it's just not fair to them
.
Speaker 1 (56:41):
My babe said humanism , y'all got my babe throwing
around the triple word scores ony'all.
But no, you know, I think it'sreally plain and I'll end it on
this.
You know I think um for mepersonally, you know my dad, you
know he was born in 1927, manin duncanville, alabama, and
they just didn't grow up likethat.
You know, my dad was a reallysoft-spoken guy, you know, very
(57:04):
nice guy, very guy, but hewasn't all into physical
intimacy and stuff like that.
He wasn't going to embrace me.
No hugs, I don't remember evergetting a hug from him, except
at my, my dad and my brother'sfuneral.
And um, and I'm and even thenI'm I'm kind of just blurrily
guessing, I can't remember it.
Um, but I remember the day hepassed away I laid, I laid on
(57:27):
him.
You know he was in the hospitalbed and I laid my head next to
his on his pillow and just kindof put my arm around him and it
felt so good and it never dawnedon me that I really wanted that
.
I never even.
It never crossed my mind.
So right then, right when itwas too late, I was like oh, I
want it.
I didn't even know, didn't evenknow, and I remember my stepmom
(57:50):
looking down at me and I thinkshe realized.
You know, I think she realizedbecause she just kind of rubbed
me, rubbed me on my back, youknow, and um, you know, it's
just one of the things, man.
So you know, I encourageeverybody man to learn how to be
courageous enough to love eachother.
Man.
Ain't nothing wrong with that.
No, my grandma told me, god islove, love is god.
(58:11):
So, you know, ain't nothingwrong with love.
Let god show, let god runthrough us yeah, ain't nothing
wrong with that.
So, um, on that note, I'm gonnaskip ls's other 43 questions
because we are at our time limit.
Man, I really appreciate himgreat show.
Speaker 2 (58:30):
Thank you so much, everyone, for your questions, we
appreciate it and they were.
Speaker 1 (58:33):
They were dope questions thank you so much I
know I sent it all last minute,but we had good feedback.
Babe, I want to thank you somuch thank you for inviting me.
This was fun you might evenhave your own podcast one day,
who knows who?
Speaker 2 (58:49):
knows what's next for the Neonaya race.
Who knows, who knows.
Speaker 1 (58:54):
So thank everybody for listening.
Man, I love this show.
I had a ton of fun Wonderfulshow, thank you.
So yeah, that was us Five yearsago, five years younger, five
years, uh, less experience, butI would think we, we actually,
and we pretty similar man.
(59:15):
I think a lot of the things wesay now we were saying back then
.
You know, I think god has justshowed up and proven itself even
more, a lot of the things thathe was revealing.
He revealed a little bit moreto us now, but really good to go
back and bring a lot of thatthought.
That was real raw, that wasreal deep and personal and
(59:36):
vulnerable.
So, yeah, next week we'll beback.
I don't know which topic we'regoing to hit.
We got two on the slate Eithergoing to be sex matters in
marriage sex or money matters inmarriage finances.
We're going to hit one of thetwo.
Both of them are dope.
Stay tuned with us right hereon the Open Book Podcast.
(59:56):
Y'all, we love y'all.
Peace.
Popular Podcasts
Boysober
Have you ever wondered what life might be like if you stopped worrying about being wanted, and focused on understanding what you actually want? That was the question Hope Woodard asked herself after a string of situationships inspired her to take a break from sex and dating. She went "boysober," a personal concept that sparked a global movement among women looking to prioritize themselves over men. Now, Hope is looking to expand the ways we explore our relationship to relationships. Taking a bold, unfiltered look into modern love, romance, and self-discovery, Boysober will dive into messy stories about dating, sex, love, friendship, and breaking generational patterns—all with humor, vulnerability, and a fresh perspective.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com