Keeping the Communication Alive

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Marriage can be a beautiful journey, but it comes with its fair share of communication challenges. Have you ever wondered how to maintain effective dialogue with your spouse through the years? In this episode, we share a candid look at our nearly 12-year marriage, reflecting on the importance of transparency, setting aside dedicated time for conversations, and the pitfalls of holding onto grudges. By recounting personal experiences, we highlight the lessons we've learned about controlling anger and ensuring mutual goals are met.

Navigating family dynamics can be just as complex. How do past experiences shape our approach to conflicts within our families? We examine the roles we've played, from peacekeepers to avoiders, and discuss how we've evolved into better listeners and communicators. By modeling healthy disagreements, we've taught our children that love remains steadfast even amidst differences. Our journey underscores the significance of active listening and understanding in fostering a supportive family environment.

To protect and nurture your marriage, it's crucial to communicate effectively and confide in the right people. We discuss the importance of seeking trusted counsel and the benefits of resources like "Love and Respect" by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and "The Five Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. Our weekly "Chatterbox" sessions have been instrumental in maintaining transparency and resolving conflicts. As we hint at future discussions, including the sensitive topic of sex within marriage, we invite you to join us on this path of growth and connection, building stronger relationships together.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
What's up?

Speaker 2 (00:01):
y'all.
Hey fam, what's good y'all.

Speaker 1 (00:04):
I was looking at Babe , like you gonna do the intro
today.

Speaker 2 (00:08):
Oh, am I doing the intro?

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Yep.

Speaker 2 (00:10):
Oh, alright, what's good my people, it's late, y'all
Listen, it's like 9.50.

Speaker 1 (00:18):
It's like the open book podcast after dark.

Speaker 2 (00:21):
Right, we never, or at least our last two shows,
have not been this late, butit's late.
It's saturday night and it'slate and we come in at y'all
saturday night live want to chopit up.
We're gonna have some chatsabout communication
communication magic.

Speaker 1 (00:37):
Listen, we're gonna try to hit on this show, man.
We're really gonna try to hitall the good stuff, man, like I
want.
I can't even express enough.
This show ain't really abouthaving no perfect marriage.
Ain't no perfect marriages outthere?
This show is really just us toopen our book up.

Speaker 2 (00:55):
Open the book, show what's been working for us, what
ain't been working for us and,you know, try to help out some
other people to help open theirbook up yes, I mean, we've been
in it for almost 12 years and Ithink it's important that we,
you know, try to help out someother people to help open their
book up as they rock.
Yes, I mean, we've been in itfor almost 12 years and I think
it's important that we kind oftalk about what has and hasn't

(01:15):
worked for us and hopefully thatwe can, you know, help some
other people.
And you know you guys can leaveus some comments to see if some
of the things that we've beendoing over the years you've kind
of picked up to what did anddidn't work for you and your
marriage, and you know we canhave some dialogue.
So, yeah, let's get into it.

Speaker 1 (01:32):
And, by the way, really quick, just a couple of
housekeeping notes.
Man, our Facebook page is up.

Speaker 2 (01:37):
Thank you all so much for the support.
We really, really, reallyappreciate it.
Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Speaker 1 (01:44):
I literally just created that, john, like a week
ago.
Man Like it's.
We have over 600 followers, man.
Thank y'all so much.
Y'all so dope.

Speaker 2 (01:52):
Yes, thank you.

Speaker 1 (01:54):
It feels like every day I go in there.
We got another hundred, so keeprocking, hopefully there, and
we make this big, you know.

Speaker 2 (02:01):
Yeah, thank you so much.

Speaker 1 (02:03):
Life is about growing , thank you, for following us.

Speaker 2 (02:07):
I mean we just being genuine and transparent about
the things that we've gonethrough and what did and didn't
work for us in our marriage, andwe appreciate y'all for tuning
in, so thank you.

Speaker 1 (02:16):
And if y'all want to support the show, you can click
the link wherever y'all followthis, whether it's Apple
Podcasts or wherever this,whether it's apple podcast or
wherever just click the link inthere and it should be a link to
where you can become asupporter, become part of the
fam.
Yes, you know, I'm saying so.

Speaker 2 (02:30):
Yeah, today are this nighttime episode, this is about
right, because we had to havecommunication about when we were
going to do the show.
This week has been super busyand we were planning to do it
yesterday and then thursday.
Because yesterday was busy, wecouldn't get to a thursday.
We couldn't get to it yesterdayand it was like, oh, should we
do it in the morning?

(02:50):
And we were not aligned in thetime to do it in the morning.
And then babe was like, well,what about, let's do it now?
And it's like I'm about to go,so that's not gonna work.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
So here we are, late night late night and we could
have slid again.
We could have.
This is again like in amarriage, man, you got so much
room to give each other theexcuses in the wiggle room Right
, and sometimes you have ashared goal and you might never
get it done because y'all mightbe giving each other a pass too

(03:20):
much and sometimes you just gotto hold each other, so one of
y'all gotta be like we about torock.

Speaker 2 (03:26):
Yes, we gotta stand firm and get it done, or it's
not gonna get done, we're gonnakeep pushing it to the side.

Speaker 1 (03:30):
Yeah, yeah so let's talk about this communication
magic.
What, what was, what was itlike 12 years ago coming into
the game?
What did we learn about eachother and ourselves?

Speaker 2 (03:42):
well, one of the things that really worked well
for us, especially in thebeginning of just our dating
life, which we talked about onthe first episode was us having
check-ins and we tried to kindof bring that into the first
couple years of marriage becausewe had so much friction and our
communication back then wasvery volatile.

(04:04):
We would get into it and wewould get into it.

Speaker 1 (04:09):
You probably thought I married this poet rapper.
He's going to be so eloquent.

Speaker 2 (04:14):
Yeah, no, I said I was fiery.
Please believe that Jay wasright up there firing with me.
We was burning each other.
Okay With the flames that wewas pouring out.
It was rough because there wasnobody to say.
You know what I'm going todigress.
I'm going to slow this traindown so that we can get to the

(04:37):
root of the problem and reallybe able to, you know, turn this
situation around so that we canum, rectify it.
And I mean we would be going fordays days, and it wasn't like
we wasn't sleeping in the sameroom, um, somebody was sleeping
on the couch.
I mean, no, we was, we wasgoing at it and it was.

(04:58):
It was um, it was tough.
It was definitely tough.

Speaker 1 (05:02):
It was, I know you know, one of the biggest lessons
I learned, man, is you knowwhen you get mad and you just
want to win you feel like man,I've been wrong.

Speaker 2 (05:15):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (05:17):
She know what she said and you just keep replaying
it in your head, like you wakeup the next day and it'd be over
, the anger be gone, and you'drile it back up.

Speaker 2 (05:26):
You'd be like oh yeah , let me play it on, oh yeah, no
, no, no, because you know it'sthe thing, right, you say, hey,
you know you ain't doing alittle cute little names that
y'all used to call each other.
It's denia, yeah you jason, youalready know good morning.
You barely even getting a look.
Okay, like we ain't doing thattoday.

(05:46):
Like don't be coming in my faceacting like you ain't say what
you said yesterday, because Istill got some feelings about
that.
So I'm gonna give you the bareminimum and then need that go
somewhere, right that go.

Speaker 1 (05:58):
You know, I know for me like and I know a lot of
dudes and we've a lot of dudestold me this in the past we
don't like men don't likeconfrontation.
I know a lot of dudes and we'vea lot of dudes told me this in
the past we don't like men don'tlike confrontation.
I know like the public thinksdifferently men do not like
confrontation.
So it's like a lot of times,like when we was going at it, I
was like avoiding you.

Speaker 2 (06:19):
I was like patterning my whole day to get around the
interaction now, homie, now now,what you avoid me for let's,
let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 (06:30):
Yeah, and see, that's the.
That's the thing.
I think a lot of people thatget married don't realize that.
That's, you know, for men welike well she tripping, so I'm
gonna just be down here in theman cave or I'm going to just
stay out a little later, whenthe woman is thinking we need to

(06:51):
resolve, we need to resolve.

Speaker 2 (06:53):
Why are we letting this go on for a few days?
And we've always had a child inthe home.
Even when you know I wasn'tpregnant, there was every other
weekend there was a child in ourhome.
So we would, especially onweekends where you know Juliet
would be there.

(07:13):
It would be kind of likecommunicating with her but not
really talking to each other.
Not talking to each other it wasall bad and please believe she
felt that like no kid is isnever gonna be totally blind to
the fact that there is tensionin the house, you know.

(07:33):
So like we was all sweet andangelic to her but we was like
giving each other like the eyeor like barely talking, and it
was weird that's the tough part,I think you being able to show
your kids how do you get out ofit when you're in it.
Yes, yeah, because you're goingto get into it, you're going to

(07:54):
get into it, and having conflictis healthy If you're not having
some type of disagreement oryou guys are not, you know,
bringing something to the tablethat you may not agree on.
Y'all holding that in.
I just I don't believe thateverybody's going to be on the
same page 100% of the time.
And you know you either don'tfeel comfortable enough with

(08:16):
your spouse to bring somethingup because you don't want there
to be an issue, or you know youjust you're trying to keep
things kind of like peaceful.
You burying it, you takingtally.

Speaker 1 (08:31):
You counting?

Speaker 2 (08:31):
down.
Oh okay, he ain't like.
Okay, let me add that next tothe thing he said yesterday or
the thing that happened lastweek, and then by the time it
spill out, this is like who evenknows Months of tension that
goes into this humongousargument that lasts for days and
now you're trying to figure.
Like what are we even?
What thing are we actuallyarguing about?

Speaker 1 (08:54):
yeah, you know men, men don't like to get cut down,
we don't like our manhoodchallenged and spoke against,
and women really don't like andI'm speaking for y'all.
I shouldn't, but I've learnedthat it's just not good for men
to leave the the issuesunresolved, to run and hide from

(09:15):
them.
Women want their man to step upand try to bring some kind of
resolution when there's anobvious problem, and that's just
a.
It's a cat and mouse game, thatkind of just accelerates, yeah
yeah, I mean so when we was init, like in the early years when
we would get into it, what didwe find?
What was, uh, what do we thinkwas the what?

(09:37):
Why did we come with so muchfire at each other, like, why
was we doing it wrong at thebeginning?

Speaker 2 (09:45):
I because we didn't talk.
I think that, um, I think thatwe would kind of let the
littlest things irritate us.
I don't think that we reallyfully built a trust around
feeling comfortable enough tohave disagreement and it not be
an argument, because I mean, andeven now still, sometimes now

(10:05):
we can be talking aboutsomething and you may say
something that you don't, youmay say something that I don't
agree with, and vice versa, andit could go left quick and it's
like oh, now we have raisedvoices, how did we get here?
And so I think that now, justhaving the maturity and saying,
oh OK, this conversation isgoing a little left, somebody

(10:28):
needs to digress, or we need tokind of table it, whereas before
it wasn't no tabling.
You know it was.
Oh, if you don't, if you don'tagree with me, or if you don't
like something that I said, thensomething's wrong with you and
let's, let's talk you know,let's let's talk about what's
wrong with you, and let's talkabout what's wrong with you, not
let's talk about what thedisagreement is.

Speaker 1 (10:49):
Plus, I think, like you said in the past, when it
would go left, it almost wouldbe like I know for me I would
start getting mad about the factit's going left.
You know what I'm saying.
So it's like now I'm not evenmad about the thing we disagree
about, I'm mad that we disagreeand that's, I think, the thing.

(11:13):
For me.
That's different, right?
So now, when we recognize thatwe disagree and I don't get mad
about that, right, like Iunderstand that we two different
people, yeah, and there's goingto be times where we completely
clash in opinion, and that'scool, and it don't.
It don't got to end up beingsomething that I think in that I
know, for me, a lot of it inthe past was like this is a new

(11:36):
marriage, I don't really knowwhat I'm doing, I want to make
it work.
So if we clash, then that'ssome kind of indictment on our
marriage.

Speaker 2 (11:47):
Right, yeah, For me it was.
I don't have to agree with you.
For me, you feeling like weneeded to agree all the time was
taking away my identity wastaking away from me, me being me
.
I'm not going to always agreewith you and I shouldn't always
agree with you.
And so there was.

(12:08):
It was kind of like when wewould get into these arguments,
I felt like I was fighting formyself, for my voice to be heard
, separate from yours, like yes,we are a unit in marriage, but
we are individuals.
And I felt that sometimes thatit was just kind of like you

(12:28):
know, I could never not agreewith you and it was like but I
don't agree with you, and sosometimes it would be you know
what, let me just say yes, letme keep the peace, because I
don't want this to get intosomething that like way bigger
than it needed to be.

Speaker 1 (12:44):
They wanted to grow.

Speaker 2 (12:45):
But then, like, what did that mean for me?
Right, because it's like, but Imean that's not really being
true to who I am.
I'm just saying that justbecause I don't want there to be
any argument, but then that'snot really me standing up for me
, or you know, like me feeling,like I have a voice and I just
absolutely need to agree withyou.
So it was, it was.

(13:06):
It was just trying to figureout how to make how to how to
how to work through that.

Speaker 1 (13:13):
I think what do you think about how much of our
upbringing, cultural background,previous relationship
experiences, how much do youthink that played a role?

Speaker 2 (13:34):
I think it played a huge role.
You know sorry, trying to getthis cat toy I think it played a
huge role for me.
You know I just came out of acouple of relationships that
there was a lot of argument anddisagreement.
I also had witnessed my parentsargue, fight, disagree on a
regular basis and, knowing thatI didn't want that to be
something that we delved intophysically, there was a lot of.

(13:56):
I saw a lot of rage.
I saw friends in relationshipsthat had a lot of rage and so,
yeah, I mean I can't say thatI've been in spaces where I've
seen healthy disagreements andthen not get into a space of it
being resolved in a timelyfashion and, you know it, not

(14:20):
escalating to some type ofphysicality or you know you
being called out, your name oryou know, just just blatant
disrespect, um, so yeah, I havenot, I hadn't seen that, I
hadn't been around people whodid that and, um, I didn't
really come into it knowing howto have a healthy disagreement
without it being chaotic.

Speaker 1 (14:42):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (14:43):
What about you without?

Speaker 1 (14:44):
it being chaotic.
Yeah, what about you?
I think for me it was moreearly on, you know, like growing
up seeing so much stuff, streetlife, type of approach to
relationships you know, and theunhealthy relationships that my
mom had tried, and like seeingdudes you know get violent with
her, that pretty much kind ofjust gave me like a nightmare

(15:09):
version of what I thought couldhappen, yeah, in those kind of
instances.
So a lot of times I was runningfrom conflict because I wasn't
you know.
I just thought it it'd get realbad right.
I didn't.
I understood that there ishealthy conflict.
I'm kind of like you I hadn'tseen what it looked like.
So I was taking the oppositeapproach of because I don't see

(15:30):
what it looked like, I'm justgonna avoid this conflict yeah,
you know, yeah, and I'm not anavoider.

Speaker 2 (15:38):
I mean I try to keep the peace, I do.
Let me not, let me not say itlike I just feel some trash,
because I don't, I really don't,you know, I find a flashlight
though.
I am a flashlight.
I found that I've kind of beenthrown into things without
wanting to be thrown like in themidst of like chaos happening

(15:58):
around me.
I'm thrown into the middle ofit to be the one to resolve, to
be the OK.
You know what you got to comein and to resolve to be the okay
.
You know what you got to come inand you got to fix this, you
know yeah, and that's your rolein your family too that is my
role in my family and it's hardbecause that is a lot of
pressure and it's like sometimesthese situations that I have

(16:19):
nothing to do with, I'm thrownin the midst of to try to, you
know, help calm things down.
But now I got all this stuff onmy shoulders and how do I not
bring that into my home andchange the temperature of my
home and have it be chaotic, medumping that into my household,
right?
So yeah, it's tough.
I mean there's been times,especially like in my childhood,

(16:40):
me and my brothers would getinto it all the time, or, like
you know, I mean it was asituation where my brother was
mad at something and somethingthat had happened and I like we
fighting and it's like, how didI even get in the middle?

Speaker 1 (16:51):
of this.

Speaker 2 (16:51):
Like this, ain't even like.

Speaker 1 (16:53):
I don't have nothing to do with this.

Speaker 2 (16:55):
Yeah, so you know, I've just found that.
Yeah, my family has really beenlike, if things are kind of
going crazy, let's call up Dania, let's see what she can do to
help resolve the situation.
Let me get her on the phone andmaybe she can talk to XYZ or,
you know, help calm thesituation down.

(17:15):
And I mean, I love my family,don't get me wrong, I do, I love
my family, but that is draining.
It is very draining and you knowI've been diagnosed with
anxiety disorder and it can be alot to already be dealing with
things that I'm dealing with andnow you dumping all of your
stuff on to me, and I have to.

(17:36):
You are expecting me to come inand solve things and work
things out for you, but then noteverything is good with you.

Speaker 1 (17:44):
Who will help you process Right?

Speaker 2 (17:45):
you just be like oh she good.

Speaker 1 (17:48):
Without bringing it back to your home and your
family.

Speaker 2 (17:51):
Yeah, so like really trying to find a way to create
healthy boundaries and make surethat you know again, my voice
is heard and I'm covered at allcosts, because I can't be
everything to everybody.

Speaker 1 (18:07):
Yeah, you said something earlier I thought was
really good, especially intalking about our early years in
communication and how it wouldgo left and just turn into this
blow up.
And next thing, you know, wesaying like you know, when
people love each other, theyknow the things that will hurt
each other.

Speaker 2 (18:24):
So we throw in the thing, the one thing we know
that will hurt.
We're going to go for that.
We will go low too, y'all.

Speaker 1 (18:31):
Yeah, you know we're going to go low.
So it's like I do feel like wehit some point where we stopped
doing it.
We started to recognize we canwork our way out of arguments
without having to try to hurteach other and have to be some
lingering traumatic thing wherewe've affected each other for

(18:52):
things that can't be healed.
You know how?
How do you think we oneapproach?
Cause this is one thing I heardfrom so many people over the
years men and women.
They always say the same thing.
It ain't always.
What you say is how you sayingit.

Speaker 2 (19:09):
Oh yeah.

Speaker 1 (19:11):
How do we figure out how to talk to each other better
?

Speaker 2 (19:15):
I think, when we became better listeners, I think
that really shifted things forus.
I mean, don't get me wrong,we've met with some really good
mentors who've walked us throughsome really tough times.
I think that once we started tobecome more aware of what it is

(19:35):
, that we were each, like me,really trying to understand what
it is you're trying to say.
And I'm actually listening toyou to understand, and I'm not
just listening to you, waitinguntil you finish so I can say
what I need to say, but actuallylike listening, like quieting
my mind enough to listen andunderstand.

(19:56):
I mean, I think it was a pointwhere we got, we would repeat
back to each other what we, whatthey said, to make sure we
clearly understood, and you know, we were clear on what it was.
The each person was trying tosay that so that we can.
Okay, now that we've got thisunderstanding of what you're
saying and what I'm saying, howcan we move?

(20:17):
Let's talk about the next phaseof this and how can we?
put that into play.
So just really beingintentional and making sure that
we were listening to understand.

Speaker 1 (20:28):
I feel like we grew up to.
I feel like we really startedhaving some real grown folks
conversation, and by that Idon't mean like cussing.
I think, you know, I think wereally started to mature and
learn and who we were, start toreally say what we really mean.
And still, you know, like nottalking about what you did, but

(20:50):
talking about what I did, right,like talking about how I feel,
saying I statements, and alsonot just being like I'm mad
about blank, but I'm scaredabout blank and that's why.

Speaker 2 (21:02):
I'm mad.
You know what I'm sayingTalking about the real feeling
underneath.

Speaker 1 (21:06):
I think that opens the door, because a lot of
people could come in a room andbe like I'm pissed off because
you always like the blank.

Speaker 2 (21:13):
You know what I mean.
Anybody can do that.

Speaker 1 (21:15):
But it takes something else to be like.
I'm afraid of this outcome andit makes me feel like that's
going to happen when you do this.
Yeah, that outcome.
And it makes me feel likethat's going to happen when you
do this yeah that's different.

Speaker 2 (21:26):
That is different and I think also us having
accountability, because you know, a lot of the times you don't,
you can't admit to when you didsomething wrong right it's like
you gonna kind of go around thatbush as much as you can until
it's like all right, okay, I didit.
But, like coming up, you know,from the very jump and being

(21:48):
like you know what?
I did this, I said this.
I take accountability for that,I apologize, I apologize.
You know, it's amazing howsaying that those words can
change a situation drasticallybig time just by saying I
apologize, do you forgive me?

Speaker 1 (22:10):
yeah, because the other game could go forever it
changes the game.
You know how it be.
People like well, you yellingat me, I'm not even yelling, no
you yelling no, I'm not evenyelling.
When nobody is willing to admitanything, you're not going to
get anywhere.

Speaker 2 (22:25):
And it is absolutely a lot about the tone Like you
really have to be aware becauseyou saying something you know I
was wrong.
Yeah, I'm sorry, it's not thesame as.
I was wrong.
You know what?
Yes, yeah.
I'm sorry, that is not the samething, at all, and one is you

(22:45):
can clearly hear oh, you knowwhat, I'm not bad, whereas the
other one is like I mean it'swrong but I don't really mean it
.
You know I'm saying whatever.
You know that it's a difference.
It is definitely a difference,for sure yeah, I definitely
think that.

Speaker 1 (23:02):
Um, how, and you know just when you in a marriage man
, when you claim that you lovesomebody, man and like God, and
brought you the person that'sfor you and we know how this
dating game is out here y'allit's a lot of people out there
wishing they had the person forthem.
So when you find that personfor you, you do got to start

(23:22):
challenging yourself to be likeman.
Am I really talking to them ina way that showed him how much I
love you know?
I'm saying like if I'm honoringthem in my or am I just cutting
them and tearing them down?
Because how you really gonna bein a loving relationship when
you so eager to cut and tear theother person down, like I know
we all done it.
But eventually you got to askyourself yeah like.

(23:45):
This is the person I'm blessedwith.
Yes, and here I am, likeslashing them up, yeah and I
mean that's gonna affect both ofy'all.

Speaker 2 (23:53):
That's not just affecting you, because when you
tearing them down you're reallytearing, it's a domino effect.
You know you have to thinkabout how that's gonna affect
you.
How does that affect yourhousehold?
How is that affecting your kids?
You know, when jay and I wouldargue, our kids would cry and
that would freak us out right,because, like they normally
don't see us in that state,we're all we're very loving

(24:16):
around each other, around ourchildren.
You know they see us hugging,they see us kissing each other,
they see us, um, you know,really loving on each other.
So if there's ever adisagreement to where we like
arguing, they're in tears.
So, we don't.
You know we have disagreements,but we never have anything like
scream, knocking down, likebrawling type disagreements.

(24:41):
I mean, you know, we've had itto where it's been tough and
they've seen that and they've,you know, shown us, hey, we're
affected by what's happening andwe've, like you know,
immediately like OK, we reallyneed to talk about this because
this is not the same what wewant our kids to see, but like
also being able to if we have adisagreement and our voices get

(25:02):
raised and they look at us like,oh my gosh, are you guys
arguing raised?
and they look at us like, oh mygosh, are you guys?
arguing us saying hey, you knowwhat?
No, this is a healthydisagreement that we're having
and this is what you can expectto have in a good way with your
mate.
You can have a disagreement andsometimes your voices may get
raised, but not to the point towhere y'all can't take a step

(25:25):
back and back down and be ableto say you know what?
I disagree with you, youdisagree with me.
We're not going to agree onthis.
Let's move on and keep itmoving in a loving way.

Speaker 1 (25:36):
It's important that you show your kids the
difference because, you are notgoing to always agree on
everything, but they need to beable to see what is healthy and
what is not, because when theygrow up, they're going to hit
them moments too, and they needto know, they need some kind of
blueprint.
How do we make it through it?
Because too many young peoplewill be like well, we ain't
feeling each other, we out.

Speaker 2 (25:56):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (25:56):
It's a wrap.

Speaker 2 (25:57):
Yes, and I mean we have been very clear on this is
disrespectful.
I am not going to tolerate yourdad talking to me this way,
like he is very clear.
I am not going to toleratemommy being disrespectful to me
in this way and they have tounderstand what that looks like
so that they can be aware ofwhat it is.

(26:19):
If they see it and understandlike wait, when my parents
didn't deal with that, I'm notgoing to deal with that, neither
so and it feels good in thosemoments where we disagree and we
can work through it.

Speaker 1 (26:31):
But our kids are like , oh no, y'all are disagreeing
and we can explain to them.
No, we good.
This is what a marriage lookslike.

Speaker 2 (26:40):
We're not always going to agree, and that's okay.
We still love each other.
We love you guys.
We're not going to put you guysin an unsafe situation.
We're not going tointentionally do that.
So us having this disagreementis just something that happens
and that's okay.
We still love each other andwe're going to push through this
.

Speaker 1 (27:00):
So let's tell folks, like you said, we had a lot of
help.
Not initially, we didn't have ablueprint from our parents, but
God blessed us with otherthings A great church, a good
church family, a great pastorand his wife a good couple who

(27:24):
could pour into us Other marriedcouples that we met at the
church who could?
Pour into us Other young peoplewho started looking?
Up to us for some help, right,and that's a good chain to be in
.

Speaker 2 (27:36):
Yeah, yes.

Speaker 1 (27:38):
It's good to be in that chain of people who are
older than you and people whoare younger than you as you're
going through that stuff in life.
So, yeah, let's just talk alittle bit about, like, what's
some things that helped usparticular people, books,
workshops, what helped usthroughout the years?

Speaker 2 (27:59):
Well, I know for me when we originally got married.
So we got married and wentimmediately into a marriage life
group at our church under theSips um, and they were so
instrumental, shout out toEunice and Lorenzo.
They were such a blessing,because when I say transparency,
yeah.

Speaker 1 (28:17):
I mean they would come in class and they would be
all lovey-dovey one day andthey'd be in the thick of an
argument coming in class, thenext and right into it, but they
also would be talking aboutsome of the hot and steamy stuff
they got going on too.

Speaker 2 (28:30):
They just transparent , they were very transparent,
and I mean on those days thatthey was going into it.
the lesson like working throughthe lesson you could see it,
helping them squash some of whatit was that they were going
through.
You know, so it was such ablessing to us and I mean in

(28:52):
that group we had so manymarried people came from out of
that group.
I mean older, seasonedmarriages, there were younger
marriages, there were olderpeople, there were younger
people, there were people ourage, a lot of people we were
pregnant with at the same time.
So it was just a true blessingto us and I.
That first year we reallydidn't know like who we could
talk to, and I think we had.
we were like apprentice leadersand like we had got invited over

(29:13):
to, like, um, someone's homeand we were like so amazed to
find out that there were so manyblended families and we were
just thinking like, oh my gosh,we were in this by ourselves.
But like seeing so many people,like pushing through day to day
, really helped us to open upand really reach out to the Sips
and to the Wilcoxons and topeople who you know, the James

(29:38):
family, people who could reallyhelp us.
The Millers helped us in thespaces where we really could
navigate and needed someassistance.
In the spaces where we reallycould navigate and needed some
assistance, they were there withopen arms to help, assist us
and guide us through that.

Speaker 1 (29:53):
So you know, one of the most interesting tests we
have remember we got like yousaid, we became apprentice
leader, like we got called intoleadership.

Speaker 2 (30:00):
Like immediately.

Speaker 1 (30:01):
Right when we was in the thick of it.
We don't even want you to sayso we right in the thick of it,
right, so we right in the middleof it and we being asked to be
moving the leadership.
That's tough, but I think thething that it opened our eyes on
was the fact that all leadershave to face that every day they

(30:21):
all going through it and in thethick of it, challenged even
more.

Speaker 2 (30:24):
Yeah, so it's like I know.

Speaker 1 (30:26):
A lot of times we tend to think like oh man, our
pastor and his wife are allgreat.
Or you know these seasonedcouples around us, they all
great.

Speaker 2 (30:34):
But everybody be going through the same thing,
and I mean even just having ourpastor and, you know, his wife
reach out to us and ask ifthere's anything that they could
do for us.
How can they pray?
Pray for us, it's like whatLike word.
As big as this church is, y'allreally care about us.
That's, that was huge for us.

Speaker 1 (30:53):
We cannot send enough shouts out to Pastor Kevin
James and Sister Tanya James atNew Community Bible Fellowship.
If any of y'all are in theCleveland Ohio area, y'all
looking for a great church.
You can't go wrong.
Stop area.
Y'all looking for a greatchurch.
You can't go wrong.

Speaker 2 (31:11):
Stop in there, because listen, pastor kevin,
and sister tanya, have beentruly, yeah, family for us,
family, family, I mean, we wouldnot have been at our church for
as long as we have been if theyweren't yeah they've been
amazing I mean, they've evenstepped into some of our
disputes right in.

Speaker 1 (31:24):
Yes, yes, they have.
Like we will help walk y'allthrough this.

Speaker 2 (31:28):
Not just on our marriage.
They've been there for usindividually personally as well.
So you know really.
I mean I think that's what'simportant, you know, because as
we're learning from these peopleand seeing them as people you
know, and not just leaders inthe church, but like getting to
know them as people, you get abetter understanding of the

(31:48):
different struggles that they gothrough too right.
It's not just you know you goingthrough this, or you know you
really have people out therethat's really there and really
want to help you grow, which isso important.
I think you know when you'relooking at people to be mentors,
you looking at them and makingsure that they trying to uplift

(32:09):
you as well.
You know it's not just a followme.
You know, we just don't, likeyou want to, some somebody
that's going to be able to helplift you up and push you and
propel you and challenge you tohelp you be the best version of
yourself to as well as help yoube a better wife or better
husband.
So we've been truly blessed tobe able to have those people in

(32:30):
our lives.

Speaker 1 (32:30):
And godly people, man , because you can always tell
when godly people are around you, because they look at you and
see the great version of you.
They see what you can grow into.
They ain't trying to hold youback.
You know a lot of people.
I'm not saying they'remalicious or nothing, but they
kind of want you to fall intothe same trap.
That's right.

Speaker 2 (32:49):
You got to be careful , and I'm going to say this I am
going to tell you you have tobe careful who it is that you're
trying to talk to about yourrelationship, because that
person that you swore up anddown is going to be there for
you thick and thin, is the sameperson that's ready to tear your
marriage down.
Ready, ready, ready, ready.

(33:14):
So you really have to becareful.
Some of my best friends don'tknow every day what we're going
through and they're not supposedto.
Our marriage is sacred.
We're supposed to go to Godfirst with whatever it is that
we're going through, and theycome to each other next right.
And then, whoever we havedesignated as people that we
both feel confident and trustenough to bring into our
marriage that we, you know, weain't going gossiping about or

(33:35):
sharing our business it's gonnacome in and try to, because the
devil is busy trying to tearmarriages down.
And listen, I you heard what Isaid in the last episode.
I'm protecting my family at allcosts.
You ain't about to come up inhere thinking.
You about to plant, not a Nancy, we're not doing that, we're

(33:55):
not.
So you have to be careful.
You out here kicking it withyour girls, you out here kicking
it with your dudes, and y'allthinking y'all just having a
good time and that's not goingto infiltrate in your marriage
somehow.
Don't get it twisted.

Speaker 1 (34:08):
Are you thinking you could just be griping and other
people going to commiserate withyou and everybody can complain
about they met?

Speaker 2 (34:15):
Nah, don't do that All somebody need is an opening,
because you know what.
Here it is, you going throughyour struggles in your marriage
and they out here flourishing.
And who even knows you and yourmarriage dissolve she could and
who even knows you and yourmarriage dissolve, she could be,
oh, calling on his life.
You just never know.
You just never know.
Don't let nobody plant nonegative seeds in your marriage.

Speaker 1 (34:34):
That is important to communication.
You got to be pure about it.
One of the things I learned along time ago is don't ever cast
your spouse in a negative lightto nobody.
No, nobody Right, especiallyyour friends.
Don't just be around.
Oh man, my wife this, myhusband that, because here's the
thing, you're going to forgiveyour spouse way quicker than

(34:57):
them other people will.
So now y'all got to go aroundand all them people you done
trashed her to and you doneburnt her name.
They looking at her in that way, in that light, yeah to and you
done burnt her name.

Speaker 2 (35:06):
They looking at her in that way.
In that light, yeah, I mean,again, if you need to get into
some marriage counseling, youneed to speak to somebody about
some things that y'all goingthrough, you know if there's
infidelity or something likethat happening and you really
want to work on your marriage.
So, yeah, I mean, if you feellike you need to get into some
marriage counseling and that'sone thing you know, obviously
you talking to somebody that'sgoing to help you work through
whatever it is that you're goingthrough, or you feel like,

(35:28):
again, this is somebody that youhave confidence, you and your
spouse Y'all has spoken to andy'all you know you feel like
you're in a good space to sharethose private things, then do so
.
But don't just be going willynilly telling everybody anything
.

Speaker 1 (35:41):
Don't do it also we did have some books right.
We, um, we were in that lifegroup.
We studied love and respectlove and respect.

Speaker 2 (35:49):
That was a really good one by you, I don't know
the book is gonna be over there,the man who wrote the five love
languages oh, it's dr garychapman.

Speaker 1 (36:00):
Yeah, there we go.
Okay, there you go.
We also did study the five lovelanguages, um, and really just
getting to grab one of thethings I know really helped us
and I know I'm not gonna be ableto remember these people's name
, but it was a youtube channelof a pastor.
It was this uh, this pastor wasa white cat.

(36:21):
Oh, that's right, and he spokeabout blended families, step
families.
You know it was.
I don't know how old the videowas, but we do you remember the
name of that pastor?
Remember it was like it was apastor and we watched the
YouTube videos early on and hetalked about the roles of each

(36:44):
person in step family.

Speaker 2 (36:45):
It was so good.

Speaker 1 (36:46):
Yeah, that was what pivoted our marriage yeah, it
was like our first pivot waslike watching that and being
like oh, who was the author ofthat book?

Speaker 2 (36:54):
because I said it wrong.

Speaker 1 (36:55):
yes, so dr emerson egorist, um, yes, uh, love and
respect the love she mostdesires.
Really, talking about thatdifference between how a man
communicates and what a manreally needs to hear, versus how
a woman communicates and what awoman really needs to hear?

Speaker 2 (37:25):
tough times and we watched that video and we really
started to learn some thingsabout, like, where our
communication has fell off.
You know the different roles ofbeing, you know married with a
blended family, you know theimportance of making sure you're
putting your spouse in aspouse's place and, if you've
put your children in that space,how it can be difficult for you

(37:48):
to kind of move away from thatand how it can create an
imbalance.

Speaker 1 (37:54):
Yeah, absolutely.
Is that the last book we wantto touch on, do we have?

Speaker 2 (38:00):
others that played a big role.
A couple of books that we willothers that played a big role.
We had a couple books that wewill tune into in a second.

Speaker 1 (38:10):
If I think of them, I will tag them in the links here
.
But I want to touch on oneother thing and I know we're
going to talk about we have afuture episode coming up about
sex.
Yeah, talking about it, youknow, I know we got to get into
that.
How often?
Uh, intimacy, how do you crackthat, the magic code to each

(38:33):
other's intimacy?
But there is a piece that Ithink is relevant to today's
topic and that is, I know, forus, improving our communication,
elevated our sex life yes, itdid.

Speaker 2 (38:50):
Because here's the thing we learned very, very,
very, very, very, very early on,like within the first month,
that we are not ones to go intoit where we about to be all in
each other's faces upset yeahwith each other, thinking we
about to get into the nittygritty.
Now they work for some peopleY'all be getting into that angry
, get in.
But that don't work for us.

(39:10):
We a little too fiery for that.
So it definitely helped us tounderstand that that's not the
space for us.
You know the makeup, that's adifferent story, but, like in
the midst of it, you know thatwe it's too much going on.

Speaker 1 (39:27):
I don't, I don't know , I don't.
I don't understand how peopledo it.
I just sound, I don't know.
We'll talk about that in thesex episode.

Speaker 2 (39:35):
Yeah but yeah, we, we are, we have really great
conversation.

Speaker 1 (39:42):
I thought you were about to say sex we have that
too, but we have very greatconversation.

Speaker 2 (39:50):
I mean, we talk about everything.
We talk about, I mean everything, and it almost really leads
into foreplay for us.
So, yes, communication is huge,leads into foreplay for us.
So, yes, communication is hugeand I mean it is very important
for you to be able to talk toyour spouse about, when you know

(40:10):
you ain't feeling it, when youare feeling it, what works, what
doesn't work and, like Jay said, we'll get into that in another
episode.
But it is very important thatyou can be able to communicate
in those spaces, especially ifthere's been some time that has
passed.

Speaker 1 (40:25):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (40:26):
Because sometimes I mean, let's be honest, you may
not well for me.
I can't speak for everybody.
You know I be having all typesof things going on in my mind
and I may not be really payingattention not unintentionally,
like I'm not trying to not payattention but you know I have to

(40:46):
remember that I'm I have aspouse who has needs not to say
that I don't have needs, but youknow I have to be really aware
of the fact of okay, wait aminute, let's think about what's
going on so that we can makesure each other's needs are met
and really being able to listenand communicate around.
if some time has lapsed, let'stalk about that and let's again

(41:09):
be good listeners.

Speaker 1 (41:10):
That's one of the hardest times too, I know y'all
listening.
Y'all know when it has been afew.
You know a little bit.
I'm not going to speak onanybody else's frequency Right,
right, right but but you knowwhen.
It then made it to like a week,two weeks, you know what's
happening?

Speaker 2 (41:27):
what's up I?

Speaker 1 (41:28):
know, for me it's hard to.
I've found it it's hard tocommunicate, it's hard to say
that right, and I know that,especially earlier in the
relationship.
Uh, now we much deeper in themarriage and we understand each
other more and we've had enoughconversations to where we we

(41:49):
have that a little bit better,but that is still probably.
And I've, like I said, I talkedto a lot of dudes who come to
me and they're like hey, coachme up on this, help me in this,
and so many dudes struggle withthat one moment right there.
Yeah, how do I ask for it?
It's weird, I know tv tv mightmake it seem like dudes don't

(42:11):
have no problem asking for it.
Dudes do have a problem becauseI'm like uh what's going on?

Speaker 2 (42:17):
maybe it's just the directness?
I don't know, but I'm just likewhat's what's going on, what,
what aren's just the directness,I don't know, but I'm just like
, well, what's what's going on,what, what, what?
Aren't you what you having ahard time saying, cause I mean
what we doing.

Speaker 1 (42:30):
And I think a lot of it boils down to and, like I
said, we're going to get waydeeper into this and and maybe
we'll do that next episode forpeople it's like what do you
need out of the conversation?
Right, right, right.
What is what's?
Conversation is more than words.
It's communicating value.
It's communicating what I feelabout you.

(42:51):
So, for men, if it feels likeif I gotta do this, then maybe
I'm not really wanted, right,like, maybe some of that fuel
and they touch on this in loveand respect, right.
Like filling up the love tank.

Speaker 2 (43:04):
Yep.

Speaker 1 (43:05):
When your love tank is low, it's hard to communicate
and say it my love tank is low.
Yeah, it's hard yeah.

Speaker 2 (43:14):
And I mean, like what ?
What has caused it to be low?
Because, you know, there's lovelanguages, there's things
happening just everyday life,there's health things, there's
things happening just everydaylife, there's health things,
there's all kinds of things thatcan be affecting that.
So, you know, just because youlike to snuggle and cuddle and
do all of these things, that maynot be what's going to fill

(43:34):
your spouse's tank.
So what is it that your spouselike?
Your spouse might like gifts.
They might like you to, youknow, wash your dishes or put
the clothes up.
So I mean mean that hugging andcuddling and stuff is great for
you, but I mean that ain'tdoing nothing for me.
So what are you gonna do for me?
So just really being able tobalance that and being able to
talk about that when you feelinglike yo something off?

(43:57):
We need to have thisconversation and figure out what
we need to do so we can be backon the same playing field.

Speaker 1 (44:03):
And keep revisiting it.

Speaker 2 (44:04):
Yeah, because I think too you also have to be careful
not to have too much silence inyour marriage, Because you may
be thinking like, oh yeah,everything's good.

Speaker 1 (44:16):
You know what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 (44:17):
You know, but y'all ain't talked.

Speaker 1 (44:20):
The other person's like I know, they know.
I know, they know I'm over heremad or you may not even be mad.

Speaker 2 (44:27):
Maybe there's nothing going on at all.
But, something in your mind islike man ain't no friction.
Is something up?
Is there something brewing?
Or now you done created somenarrative of something that's
happening when it's absolutelynothing.
Yeah narrative of somethingthat's happening when it's
absolutely nothing.
So you know, make sure thatyou're communicating daily and

(44:48):
actually having a conversationwith your spouse, to just do
daily check-ins.
We do daily check-ins.

Speaker 1 (44:53):
Speaking of check-ins , let's wrap it up by giving
some of the things that workedfor us right.
Let's talk about we mentionedearlier the I statements right,
stepping in when you'recommunicating and taking on your
part of accountability.
Fellas, it's super importantfor us.
As a man, you are Adam of yourmarriage.
You can't hide in the man cave.

(45:15):
I know we want to.
I know it's in our nature.
I know that's what Adam did.
But God came and said Adam,where are you?
And he's going to do that to ustoo.
So we can't be hiding in a mancave.
We got to step up and be likeall right, how can I lead us out
of this?
Even if I don't feel like I didall of it, I definitely done

(45:35):
some of it.
So let's step up and holdourselves accountable One of the
biggest things for men.
We got to know that if our wifeis uncovered or feels uncovered
, that is our responsibility.
So you can't just be like, hey,it ain't my fault, I ain't do
this, she the one tripping.
No, as a man, it's your job totap in and find out how she

(45:57):
feels uncovered.
So when you, like you said, ifa lot of that silence been going
on and we not tapped in, it isour fault.
We are the ones that ain't onit.
So you do got to step in andtake accountability for your
part in things, lead thingsforward, be willing to be the
first one and, like you said,tell them about the check-ins.

(46:17):
But let's talk about thecheck-ins again.

Speaker 2 (46:19):
So yeah, we did, you know, early on in our
relationship we did check-insweekly just to kind of see where
each other was.
But then, once we got married,we decided to do weekly chats in
the kitchen where we would, youknow, sit and just talk.
We called it chatterbox.
We would sit and just kind ofeach person would have their

(46:40):
turn.

Speaker 1 (46:41):
And this was on the calendar.
Y'all this was scheduled.
We had it on the calendar.

Speaker 2 (46:44):
It was scheduled, we knew that it was coming up and
we were.
You know, that was a set timefor us to go into the kitchen,
whether we had children there ornot, whether we had stuff going
on, whether we're cooking,whatever is going on, we talking
about what it is we need totalk about, and this is the time
where, if it's a pile up ofthings from the week that we
really didn't talk about, maybewe've been holding on to kind of

(47:07):
dump it all out there.
We allowed that person to saywhat they needed to say
uninterrupted and we would whatwas that word?
again Uninterrupted, we would gofor about you know however long
we needed to go, so sometimeslike 10, 15 minutes, sometimes
not sometimes not that long, andthen we would let the other
person say what they needed tosay, and then we would just kind

(47:28):
of do that back and forth untilwe felt like we were on a good
you know, we were in a goodspace, and then we would, you
know, push on and then go to thenext week.
So Chatterbox was huge for usbecause it allowed us to feel
like, you know, we had a spaceto dump if we needed to dump,

(47:50):
and not get into a chaotic space, but for us to really be able
to talk and listen.
And I think that really helpedus to be able to build that
confidence in one another towhere, if we were in a space of
having some type of conflict orwe felt bad about a situation,

(48:11):
you know we felt that we could.
You know I trusted you enoughto be able to hear me and what I
was saying and not feel likeyou were just going to be
talking over me to kind of getto your points.
But it allowed us to really beable to acknowledge what it was
that was happening, be able tokind of come up with some type
of game plan and really resolveand work through the situation,

(48:33):
and it allowed us to both betransparent and accountable to
our actions, our thoughts, andto really be able to.
You know, try to put some plan,some game plan forward and be
accountable to that, so that wecan be on the same page in our
marriage.

Speaker 1 (48:48):
I think it worked wonders for us, but it ain't
always easy either.
You know I want to just like wetalked about earlier.
I think a lot of times you wantto run and not deal with things
.
Right, you don't?
You know you got something thatneeds to be talked about.
You know there's an elephant inthe room, but you want to run

(49:09):
from it.
So having a chatterbox sessionevery week with that kind of
frequency, it challenges youbecause, yeah, you can't come in
and be like you know what?

Speaker 2 (49:18):
I ain't got nothing this week, babe yeah, yeah, I
got nothing, or you gonna throwout some real surface?

Speaker 1 (49:23):
Yeah, ain't nothing wrong with me.
So I mean, why don't we just goout to eat more?
That's all I'm saying.
Right, but what?

Speaker 2 (49:30):
does that mean we can go out and eat more?
What You're talking about?
We don't have enough datenights.
What exactly are you?
Trying to say Are you feelingsome about us spending more time
together?
What are we talking about?
Let's get into the nitty grittyof it.

Speaker 1 (49:43):
That's exactly what happened with me.
You know, it's like after thefirst couple we had a lot of
meat on the bone and then Ifound myself being like I got
nothing this week babe.

Speaker 2 (49:57):
And then the next day you'd be like you did.
Why didn't?

Speaker 1 (50:02):
you bring it up.
What's up, yeah.
So I think it challenges you togrow as a communicator and as a
leader in your home and of yourlife.
You really want to keep justletting things go.
When you got the opportunity tosay it, you know yeah.

Speaker 2 (50:18):
I love you.

Speaker 1 (50:19):
I love you too.

Speaker 2 (50:21):
I mean it's so interesting us talking about
this stuff and just to kind ofhear how far we've come.

Speaker 1 (50:25):
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 (50:27):
I mean, you know, and don't get me wrong, we have our
share of arguments.
It's not like you know, we goyears or you know, not many
these days, though Not manythese days?
No, but we have.
You know, we've just been ableto just have really great
conversation, and when we don'tagree, our arguments don't last
nearly as long as they used to.

(50:47):
We could just kind of, you know,go into it and we see, oh, this
ain't going where it needs togo and we'll separate, and I
mean within a couple hours, ifthat we're coming back to the
table, like you know what I'msorry, let's talk about it.
And really, you know what I'msorry, let's talk about it.
And really you know ironingthings out same day so that we
can go to bed with a goodconscience.

(51:08):
And we're in the same bedExactly Because listen, that
whole thing, don't go to bedangry.
We was like whatever.
I don't want to see your face.
But now, no, we have very fewof those days and I'm very
grateful for us to be able to bein the space that we have been,
but it has.

(51:29):
It is not been an easy journeyfor us and I thank God for
allowing us to be here and to beable to share some of the
things that we've been through,and hopefully you know you guys
will give us some feedback onsome of the things that you've
been through and how you've beenable to work through it, and
hopefully that can bless someoneelse who's?

Speaker 1 (51:49):
tuned in um as well yeah, we appreciate y'all for
rocking with us.
Uh, anybody out there that's,you know, married or want to be
married or thinking about beingmarried, just know that
communication is a is a key andit ain't no one magic bullet.
You know you got to think aboutwho you are as people, but

(52:09):
definitely tap in this yoursupport system.
If you don't have one, find one.
I'm I'm a big proponent oftherapy and I know a lot of
people mentioned couples therapy, but hey, individual therapy.
Listen, trust me you coming intoit.
You could come into yourcouples therapy with enough

(52:31):
baggage to ruin that.

Speaker 2 (52:32):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (52:33):
If you ain't on your game and really thinking about
what you got going on, theissues you need to heal.
You got to get on that.
So, yeah, think about that, man.
And you know it's so importantin marriage.
Marriage is holy matrimony.
It's not happy matrimony.
We supposed to be making eachother better, so it's going to
be challenged, right, webalancing each other out.

(52:56):
We growing each other.
It's going to be growing pains.
That's just how it goes, right?
We obviously ain't supposed totorture each other and all of
that.
But you can't be sitting backthinking, oh, this other
person's supposed to agree withme 100% and never have anything
to say that I don't say.
It don't work that way.
Right, we balanced out for areason you know.
Like we told one of my homeboysin our husband's class once hey

(53:18):
, if you wanted somebody toagree with you that much you
could could always marry a dude.
They allow you to do that,these days.

Speaker 2 (53:24):
Oh my gosh, Was that what y'all said?
We told them Straight up what.

Speaker 1 (53:29):
Okay, because, as a man, there's just going to be a
lot of things that women justdon't feel the same way about,
and that's cool.
That's how it's supposed to be.
Y'all are the yin and yangsupposed to be.
Y'all are the yin and yang.
Y'all are balancing each otherout.
You know, there's plenty oftimes we talk about a topic and
then we don't agree or we havetwo different stances and it's
just like, hmm, interestingright, let's go.

Speaker 2 (53:55):
You know, I think another thing you also have to
keep in mind too is that don'tkeep no secrets, y'all yeah
don't.
Don't do that.
You know, don't keep no secrets.
Y'all Don't do that.
Don't keep no secrets.
We talk about everything.
We talk about finances, we talkabout the children and their
schooling.
We talk about anything thathappens with our blended family.

(54:15):
We talk about everything.
We communicate everything.
So even if, like with my bonusdaughter, obviously I'm not her
mom, but that doesn't mean thatme and my husband aren't having
conversations about her as wellas having conversations with her
mom.
I'm still in the midst of thatconversation.

(54:37):
Obviously I'm not in theforefront of what it is that
they're doing, but I'm in themidst of the conversation.
So I just think it's importantthat you are aware that
communication means just thatYou're communicating in every
aspect.
You're not keeping secrets,you're not doing things on the
side, you're not trying to.

(54:57):
You know, keep things, you know, so nobody kind of finds out.
No, no, no, no, no.
You are extremely intentionalin what it is that you're doing
and you are trying to createharmony in your home and have a
good alignment, because that'sso important, that's so
important especially to myfellas.

Speaker 1 (55:15):
I know a lot of fellas grow up and we get taught
.
You know, we keep people in theneed to know basis,
specifically the women in ourlife.
That's on a need to know basis,but that's controlling.
It's not up to us to determinewhether they need to know
something.
So we got to move from thispoint of it's not good enough to
be honest.
You have to be transparent.

(55:36):
Honest means the things I'msaying are true, but I can hold
back some stuff.
Transparent means I can let yousee it all.
You can see through me and thenyou can determine what's
important to you or not.
I think it's so important.
I always give this one exampleto the fellas.
When we talk about this.
Like if I go to work and I havea horrible day, somebody just

(55:56):
pissed me off everything go bad.
If I come home and I don't tellmy wife that I've had this
horrible day, everything we dois out of alignment because I'm
coming into it with all of thisnegative energy, all of this
pain from what happened to me.
So even me not talking aboutthat, we could sit down and

(56:16):
watch a movie.
We're going to watch twodifferent movies.
I'm seeing everything throughthis lens of what I done been
through.
Yeah, so I think it's so.
That's the transparency is soimportant, so y'all could be
there, not only to support eachother, but so that y'all just on
the same page yeah, you canlift each other up, yeah because
now what if so?
I see something and it furthertriggers me, but you don't even

(56:37):
know where I'm at.

Speaker 2 (56:38):
Yeah, to get triggered from, and now I'm
probably part of the problem.
I don't even know.
You're okay, man, I was okay.

Speaker 1 (56:47):
What'd I do?
So yeah, man, transparency, dothose check-ins, reach out All
resources.
Man, it's just important to tryto invest in the union.
Try to invest in it.
It's no different than anyother really valuable thing in
your life.
To invest in it.
It's no different than anyother really valuable thing in
your life.
Invest in it.

Speaker 2 (57:06):
Yes, and make sure that y'all are centered in
Christ.

Speaker 1 (57:11):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (57:12):
That's the first communicator that y'all need to
be in alignment with.
So make sure that y'all arecentered with Christ and be
centered with one another, andyou will be amazed at how well
that'll help flow into your homeand your children.

Speaker 1 (57:25):
Thousand percent.
So thanks for rocking with usy'all.
Like we said, maybe next weekwe hit the sex issue.
What you think, babe?

Speaker 2 (57:32):
Well, let's chat about it and we'll see.

Speaker 1 (57:36):
Yo, and, by the way, speaking of communication, we do
have a production meeting thatwe have to agree on the topics.
Make sure that we prepped.
So yeah, we're gonna talk aboutthis at this week's production
meeting yes, we will, and seewhat we're gonna bring, but it
might just be the sex one, Idon't know y'all gotta tune in
and see y'all.
Let's see next week, hey thanksfor rocking with us right here

(57:56):
on the open book podcast thankyou all right, we check y'all
next time.
Peace.