May 24, 2024 • 64 mins
Have you ever found yourself piecing together a family portrait that includes more than just the traditional figures? That's where Jay and I, Nia Floyd, step in with tales from the heart about the patchwork of blended families. As we cozy up in our family room, cats Samson and Sasha included, we laugh, we muse, and more importantly, we share encouragement for those threading their own stories with stepparents, half-siblings, and all the intricate relationships that come with them. Our narrative is not just about challenges, it's a celebration of the love stories that define us, urging everyone to stay authentic and embrace growth through life's trials.
Navigating blended family dynamics is like tending a garden with both perennials and wildflowers—you never know when a deer might hop in to shake things up. We explore this metaphorical landscape, drawing on personal childhood experiences marked by separation and new family bonds. From the emotional impact on children to debunking societal stereotypes, our conversation offers insights into the real-life nuances of forming a blended family. We even share a humorous interlude involving a curious deer, showing that life, much like gardening, can be unpredictable yet rewarding.
As we walk through the whirlwind of life changes—marriage, step-parenting, pregnancy—we get real about the resilience found in facing trials that shape our growth. The importance of open communication, mentorship, and seeking understanding in relationships weaves through our discussion, as vital as the threads in a tapestry. Join us as we invite you into our journey of self-improvement, setting healthy boundaries, and the spiritual fulfillment of embracing our divinely assigned roles within the family, all while balancing the laughter and sincerity that makes this adventure one to cherish.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
what is good everybody good y'all, welcome to
another episode of the openbook open podcast.
I am one of your hosts, jayfloyd and I am nia floyd and we
rocking, we in the family room,y'all yes, we are with the cats
fluttering about last time.
I don't know if y'all heard thedisturbance, but the cats like
(00:24):
I don't know what happened.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
They was like jumping , trying to be part of the show
yeah, and here we are anotherday with them doing the exact
same thing, so hopefully it'skept light listen audience.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Y'all gotta understand.
We have two cats, samson andsasha samson's two, sasha, is
six months.
And they love their motherright.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
They are always hungry.
That's what it is.
Let's just keep it.
They know that I feed them andclean out their litter.
So they stalk me because theythink I'm going to provide them
with food and snacks.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Best facts, that is true.
So I usually work in this room.
This is where I'm at all day,every day, working, and they
don't come in here, and then,like, as soon as she's in here
to do the podcast, they won'tleave, so anticipate that
they're gonna be jumping aroundy'all.
But thanks for joining us foranother episode.
I really hope y'all enjoyed ourfirst one, which was about our
(01:32):
love story.
Our love story it's unique,unconventional.
It's us, it's us, it's who weare.
I think everybody out there,all couples out there, um, y'all
got a a unique, beautiful lovestory too, right, even when
there's some ups, some downs init, some pain in it.
God don't make no mistakes.
And for anybody out there whois not married yet and hasn't
(01:56):
found that one, that story hasyet to be written.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
It's gonna be a unique story too right, if that
is your desire if that's yourdesire keep fighting, keep um
keeping your head up and stayingtrue to who you are and your
values, and you will be blessedyeah, stand true and be ready
for what god got for you,because it's probably going to
involve some challenge and somegrowth.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Yes, you know, growth in the right direction.
Not just challenge, just forchallenge sake, but to make you
better.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
And I think that's the thing right.
We, we want that to besomething that we are ready for
and that we want to have come tous.
But are you really ready for it?
Like you may think that you are, but in all actuality,
sometimes we're not as ready aswe think.
Think that you are, but in allactuality, sometimes we're not
as ready as we think.
Yeah and um, you know we'refaced with challenges that we
(02:48):
may not be ready for and so, youknow, sometimes it takes a lot
of work and, um, that's what Iwould say.
You know, when you think thatyou're ready, get around some
people you can sit under andreally try to kind of absorb,
you know what you see, to reallymake that determination of if
(03:10):
you are ready.
I don't think that it's a badidea to just be under a mentee
to kind of grow and see what youcan learn and really find out
who you are.
I think you really kind ofdiscover who you are in those
settings and in those moments.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
That's big facts.
I think that ready point,that's a really good point.
You know what I mean, causeonly God know what that looked
like.
You know, cause I know for somepeople.
I've heard people be like I'mready, I'm sitting here, I'm
ready, I'm just waiting.
And I know for others you knowpeople like me we don't know, we
(03:47):
just get into the storm and youadapt right, like sometimes you
struggle through the readiness,yeah, because you don't even
know.
But God know you ready and youfeel like I don't know what's
going on.
But at the end of the day, godknew what he was doing, you know
so I want to encourage peoplein this scenario.
Yeah, yeah, it may not alwaysfeel like I'm sitting here.
(04:08):
I got it all.
I know I'm ready, but god knowwhen you prepared to take what's
coming towards you, so rockwith it, stay close to him you
know, and he'll provide you withthe resources that you need,
even when you feel that youaren't ready yep so don't don't
be a closed book look at thatopen yourself up.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Y'all see, y'all see them skills.
Allow those resources to comein y'all see them segue skills.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Don't be a closed.
See, I'm using that and we'regonna use that as a commercial
for our show.
We're gonna use that.
So, yo, today we going toaddress a really big topic.
This is something we talkedabout a lot, babe, over the
years of you know not we, wewould honestly wish more people
would be more open.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yes, because we definitely did not feel like we
had a sounding board or newpeople.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Could really relate to kind of what we were going
through and we, once we openedourselves up, we were really
kind of surprised at how manypeople were going through the
exact same thing we went throughor had been through it and
could provide us with someadvice so, as y'all know,
today's topic is blendedfamilies blended families yes I
(05:23):
think it's kind of.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
I think it's kind of strange, um, that after all of
these generations, right likeall of us, grew up in homes of
divorce and broken families andfractured this and step that and
uncle who ain't really my uncleand you know, it's like we all
grew up around that but yetstill in 2024, it's still kind
(05:45):
of taboo to discuss and there'snot a whole lot of open
transparency about it.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
So that's one of the reasons why we really wanted to
talk about it yeah, and I mean I, I actually knew quite a few
people who had both their momand their dad in the home, um,
and seemed like they were lovingand and you know, and happy
marriages, but mean that was notthe status quo, yeah, so, yeah,
I mean we are here because wewant to talk about it, we want
(06:13):
to share what we've experiencedin our journey and then
hopefully, you know that canhelp someone in theirs.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Absolutely, really quick.
Before we get started, let'sjust talk about our.
I know one of one of the thingswe're going to talk about so
much of this goes back to youknow.
We're talking a lot about ourpersonal journey.
So we're going to be talkingabout the things that we
personally went throughindividually and together and
with God, but so much of it isimpacted by the way we were
(06:39):
brought up.
So, just really quick, let'sjust talk about our.
What we knew about blendedfamilies coming into our
marriage, like what did we growup seeing and what was our you
know definition of blendedfamily and what did it normally
look like?
Speaker 2 (06:56):
So for me, I, my mom and my dad were married.
We moved out to Maple Heightsfrom Euclid when I was about
seven, six or seven, 88.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
88.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
And like not too long after that, my parents
separated and I remember thatthere was a stint of my dad
being back just shortly.
It's very brief, I can't eventell you how long it was because
it was that brief, shortly.
It's very brief.
I can't even tell you how longit was because it was that brief
, but I really just remember mymom being a single parent and
(07:33):
working multiple jobs to be ableto provide us with what we
needed.
I don't want to say we grew uppoor, because I don't think we
were.
I just knew that my mom was nothome and that she worked a lot
and that I didn't really have arelationship with my dad.
We, um, didn't really go overthere that often because my dad
had new kids.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
So he just started a new family, right, he started a
new family.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
He got um.
Well, they weren't married atthe time, but he started a new
family, um I.
I knew I had an older brother,um, also from my dad, my sister
is my half sister, but I mean,we grew up together, so that's
not really what we call it.
You know, in our home she's mysister, and even with my
brothers that are my, myfather's children, I don't even
call them my half brothers.
(08:14):
It's just not something that wesay you know, they're my, my,
my brothers.
So, yeah, we, we were definitely, you know, in a broken home and
you know, my dad really wasn'tpresent.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
I think it's also interesting.
You said you were it's bothways right.
So you were born into a blendedfamily.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
I was born into a blended family, but I didn't
know it to be blended.
You know, it was just that'sjust how it was.
My sister was my sister and shehad a different dad and it was
just kind of like oh okay, Imean, it really wasn't like
talked about, it was just that'smy sister and that was it.
So I mean, even with my otherbrothers, it was just like I
(08:55):
have other brothers.
It wasn't like, oh yeah, youknow it's, you guys are
considered blended.
I don't really think that thatcame into the picture until I
myself got married.
The language became like oh,blend it.
Oh, okay, all right.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
What about you, honey ?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Um, so, yeah, uh, you know, uh, my parents, my, my
dad, was a little bit of a um,he had this habit of stringing
relationships together.
I think he was one of thosepeople, um, that didn't like to
be alone, okay, so he wasmarried uh for quite a long time
, like 15 years and then he gotdivorced and he immediately uh
(09:36):
got with my mom and you knowthey had my older brother before
they got married.
And then I don't know when thedivorce from the first wife took
place, but when they gotpregnant with me they got
married.
So, like a couple months beforeI was born, they just locked it
in and got married and then,like soon as I was born, they
they separated, um, so mylifetime I don't know my parents
(09:57):
being together, right, um, thedivorce actually wasn't final
until I was five.
So five years later I don'treally know parents being
together, right, the divorceactually wasn't final until I
was five.
So five years later I don'treally know what happened in
that five years, because I'm tooyoung I can remember bits and
pieces of it being a little bit.
You know that whole toxic backand forth.
You know he got two kids overhere, so maybe he gonna come
(10:20):
here and you know, maybe hegonna paint something or fix
something.
All right, we're back to theregularly scheduled broadcast.
Now Y'all got to pardon us.
We had like gigantic deer.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
We had deer and I just went and watered my plants.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
We got to protect Bay's plants.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
I'm just saying you know, I get perennials.
I go every year to make surethey're coming up and everything
looks well.
That's the whole thing aboutperennials.
You don't have to get themevery year, but sometimes you
know some of them don't last andyou need to go and I plant
lilies, I plant all these things.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
And these deer come and eat all my stuff up.
So I literally just went outthere and watered my face.
When she saw she was like lookbehind you.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
It was a humongous deer too.
I thought it was jason vorheesbehind me.
Y'all like, oh my gosh, this isnot gonna happen today, if I
can help it.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt you,honey, it's all good, we back.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
So yeah, we was talking about my pops, right?
So he, um he came back aroundduring that five years.
I don't know it was messy, um,but ultimately they end up
getting divorced and heimmediately got remarried and um
immediately um, that five, likeas soon as he got divorced, I
don't know, it's like weeks, acouple of weeks, so it was.
(11:44):
You know, it's usually like oneof those things where it's
already over.
You're just trying to file thepapers and as soon as the papers
get filed, the other wife islike let's go, like this is what
we wait for, right?
So, um, yeah, I think it's oneof them situations.
So, yeah, I, you know.
Then, like you said, I didn'tknow anything about blending,
(12:14):
but you know how it goes.
Like the whole trope ofstepmother evil, right, I think
that it comes from the fact thatfamilies don't do this well,
right, and men, historically,that's why I think it's so much
it's always the evil stepmother,right, like you never hear the
wicked stepfather, but thewicked stepmother.
I think so much of that comesfrom the fact that dudes, we
just don't do this well anddudes tend to string
(12:36):
relationships together tootightly, and that's what my
father did and yeah, so mystepmother got kind of
introduced to me and like itwasn't great and again then we
went into the whole thing of Ididn't see my dad a whole lot.
My mother was kind of bittertowards him and it was like that
for some decades.
You know, it's like that for aminute, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Yeah, it wasn't very comfortable for us when we would
go visit my dad because therewas the new brothers, then her
son was there and I think therewas just a lot of anxiety and
pressure that went along with uscoming over and things were
just really always weird.
I felt like we got blamed for alot of things that we may or
(13:20):
may not have done.
I don't really remember, but itjust wasn't a comfortable time.
I mean, there were a lot oftimes where I could remember
sitting with my suitcases out inthe driveway waiting to go and
then that not being the day, andthen I think, as time
progressed and I got older, Ijust made the decision that I
(13:41):
didn't want to go over thereanymore, and that was just kind
of that my brother did.
My brother still went for sometime, probably till he was maybe
mid-teens and then, he stoppedgoing as well.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
That's man, that weirdness Weird is the word.
Weird, I can recall.
Like you know, we didn't go tomy dad's very often but just
calling him, I didn't even knowwhat to say.
You know, like other kids wouldanswer his phone right and it's
like so all I knew is I calledhim dad, so they would answer
and I'd be like can I speak todad?
(14:17):
and you know to them they likeafter a while it was like okay,
we know, this is Jay calling weknow, we know, we know your
voice now, but at first it waslike what do you mean, dad, like
who are you?
And you got to say who you'retalking well, what did they call
him?
Speaker 2 (14:31):
did they call him dad too, or did they call him
something else?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
no, because these were like, not necessarily.
It wasn't like slim and land,you know.
So it wasn't like my stepbrothers.
These were like my nieces andnephews who were my age, so they
called him granddad.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
So it was a little different.
Yeah, but yeah, that weirdness.
And then, like you said, whenyou do get, have those
opportunities to go, it's justso easy for things to be.
That's why I think so muchfalls on the parents, because
it's so easy for things to feelunfair.
And, yeah, and for kids theydon't have, like you said, you,
(15:09):
you over there, you don't knowthese people.
It's their home, they livethere day to day.
You don't you go over there andit's like if your pops don't do
some extra to kind of explainto you what's going on, then you
got to make, you got to writeyour own narrative and that
never happened and I was theonly girl.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
So I'm in the house full of all these boys, men and
my step or his girlfriend at thetime, and, yeah, it was just,
it was weird, it was awkward, itwas weird and yeah, so that was
like what the examples that Ihad is a child and going into
(15:51):
meeting people and, like I said,I had dated before someone who
had a child and was just like,okay, this is really odd.
The situation was, you know, um,a little kind of chaotic mm-hmm
and I was kind of coming intokind of a chaotic situation and
I was just kind of like, oh no.
(16:12):
Very early on it was like, oh no, no, no, this ain't gonna work
for me.
So when I met you, you know Ihad already had that
conversation with my coworkerand so my mind frame was a
little different and it actuallyturned me on.
I was actually very intriguedby the fact that you had a child
(16:35):
, a daughter specifically, andthat you were very present,
because I myself didn't have apresent father, didn't have a
present father.
And so, you know, going into arelationship and you know as
things are, you know if itpossibly progresses, you
obviously want someone who youcan see being a good father and
you know, you know if thingsdidn't go, you know if they went
(16:59):
left and a child did appearthat they wouldn't.
You know you can already kindof see how they father.
So I was really excited to seethat you were as present as you
were.
It was not a turnoff at all.
I was like, wow, okay, this guyis a really good dad.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
And that's.
That's really kind of cool,it's kind of sexy, that's
awesome, yeah, yeah, that'sreally dope and I could feel
that, right, like I could sensethat.
You know, know, I think thething for me is, you know, that
was my blueprint with whathappened with my parents.
Um, and it actually was verylike it never got really good,
like between the three of them,right, like my mother, father
(17:37):
and stepmother.
It never got good and my mothernever healed enough to get
remarried, so, yeah, so it waslike that's just how it went.
Um, you know, by the grace ofgod, me and my stepmother are
good, but as far as, like myparents, that blueprint that I
saw, I never learned how to makethat get good.
(17:59):
So it was just always superugly, right, like really really
nasty ugly.
So for me, I went into likebecoming a parent, an unmarried
parent, and, you know, startingto look at the world of man, you
are now going to have to getmarried.
You know, my first thought wasI'm never getting married,
(18:21):
because it's like I thought thatI was never going to get
married too.
It's like this just don't workfor me, you know.
But then it's like so when wemet and I really had a struggle
of.
I really wanted to show up andbe that new example in my family
line.
I want to break this curseRight.
(18:43):
I saw so much of my father'slife replaying in my life so I
wanted to break it.
But I have any idea how toRight and I didn't know what I
needed to work on to break it.
So, yeah, going into it, I wasreally protective of the only
thing I did figure out how to doand that was this, this
(19:08):
overcompensating relationship Ihad with my daughter, right
where it was like when thingswent south with me and her mom,
I just kind of put an umbrellaover us and was just like I am
going to just lock in herewithout realizing how unhealthy
that could be.
And now I understand that thereason I didn't realize it was
(19:31):
unhealthy is because that's theway I was raised.
That's what my mother did to mein shut the world out and just
(19:52):
pour 200% into this parentingrelationship.
Right, that's what was done tome.
So that was what I justinstantly start enacting.
And what happens is and I'mpretty sure there's a lot of
dudes out here that might belistening to this that
understand you know they're agood person.
They don't want to be a badfather, they want to be a good
father, and they wereapproaching this.
But we make mistakes along theway, and one of those mistakes
is not being accountable enoughat the beginning of our new
(20:18):
relationships, right, I think mydad might've had the same issue
.
There's a lot of things you gotto show up and do and it takes
time to understand and heal, andone of those is ingratiating
your new partner, right, like weboth just sat here and talked
about our, our fathers, gettingremarried.
Coincidentally, both of ourmothers did not, right?
(20:42):
I think that is a common path,especially back in that
generation.
But when the father getsremarried, how does he seek to
blend, like we call in theseblended families, right?
How is the father putting inthe work?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
to effectively blend them.
My father did not at all andstill does not.
I should note my stepmother andI our relationship is better,
(21:28):
but we don't have some type ofdevelopment with my dad and my
stepmom and my new family andthat didn't really happen.
So, yeah, it's not.
It would be.
It would be great if that issomething that talk about in
marriage counseling.
We have marriage counseling,and we did not bring it up.
(22:10):
We did not bring up.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Yeah, you got to have a hard conversation, that's not
something that we talked aboutat all.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
We really kind of skirted around that whole topic
and I just want to make surethat even if you're not in a
blended family, it should stillbe a conversation.
You should still have theconversation because you just
don't know what could come upfrom your past.
I mean, maybe you're notaffected by it and I don't know,
but you know, if you hadanything happen in your past
(22:39):
that you know with your parentsthat may affect you, you want to
talk about that going into.
Before you jump into a marriage, you really need to be able to
address that with yourself aswell as your partner.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Yeah, big time.
And I think that speaks to aneven bigger issue.
Right, like one of the Ibelieve one of the main reasons
we didn't talk about is, youknow, the pastor who did ours
saw that it was.
He just kind of avoided some ofthe harder things that he, I
think he knew that we wouldstruggle with.
And I would have struggled inthat conversation because in
(23:13):
that time, and you may haveprobably would have struggled in
that conversation because I dothink it's something we should
have been addressing and weweren't.
And I know, for me, I kind ofjust was like I hope this goes
well, right, like I just hopeeverything falls into place.
It was a very, very, verypassive approach to putting a
(23:33):
family together.
And the things I know now.
Passivity is the enemy ofmanhood.
You cannot lead being a passiveman and so I was super like I
really understand now.
I made huge mistakes in one notintroducing you to the whole
situation earlier and in theright fashion, right Like in an
(23:56):
accountable fashion, instead ofjust letting things all fall in
and everybody justcoincidentally run into each
other.
Being more strategic andproactive to respect everybody
in the situation, to respect youmore, to help you not have
awkward conversations andawkward moments.
But that takes work andhonestly and I know I might be
(24:18):
speaking for some other men toothere, but I know I'm gonna
speak for me it was work that Ihonestly had no idea about.
I was not raised and taught howto be a man in that fashion.
Like, honestly, by the time Ifigured it out, it was like what
I can't you know, like that wasthe last.
(24:38):
I was so passive and so afraidthat things would end up like my
mother and father and I didn'twant my child to be like I was.
So I let that fear put me in alittle closet.
I was like I'm just going to besuper passive and hopefully
(25:01):
everything will work out great.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
And even with the marriage counseling that we got,
the pastor was in a blendedfamily.
Yes, so it would have been likea really good opportunity for us
to kind of bring up someconcerns.
But I could feel your uneaseand I had unease as well.
It's like I don't want to rockthe boat by, you know, bringing
up the fact that we're going tobe a blended family and some of
(25:26):
the things that we're currentlyexperiencing is just like, ok,
maybe we should just kind ofskip over this part, but sure
enough, those things came uppractically immediately, like
immediately after we got married.
So it is very important to bevocal and to have a voice,
(25:46):
because it's not you having avoice just for yourself, it's
you having a voice for yourfamily as well, and maybe some
of the things that you'requestioning or have some insight
about, your partner could bestruggling with those same
things, and you guys couldreally open the door to really
kind of nip some of that in thebud if one of y'all opened up
(26:07):
and had the conversation aboutit.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
So let's talk about some of those challenges, like
what was the initial adjustmentof being in a blended family
right, because for you, you wentfrom being a single woman.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
Yeah.
So for me, jay proposed to meon my 30th birthday.
I graduated with my bachelor'sdegree just a couple months
later.
We started planning our weddingimmediately after I graduated,
in May, and we're married byAugust 25th.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
We don't wait a long time to do stuff.
No, we don't.
In case y'all didn't know thatno, we just don't get it in.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
We came into it debt free, which is a huge blessing,
but we didn't realize that wehad other baggage that we were
bringing into it, and so Iimmediately became a stepmom,
which was fine.
Juliet and I, we had a reallygood friendship in the beginning
.
Things changed shortly after Imoved in, which my lease was up
(27:11):
like a month before we gotmarried and like right after I
moved in, things kind of shifteda bit into us getting married
and then shortly after that Ifound out I was pregnant right
before Dave's birthday.
I told him on his birthday thatI was pregnant.
So, yeah, I had a lot of thingshappen before, all before my
31st birthday.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
And I didn't feel like I had anybody that I could
talk to.
Um, even though we were in amarriage group and um, everybody
you know, they're all married,a lot of them were freshly
married I still felt like wedidn't have anybody we could
talk to and I didn't know who Icould talk to about some of the
things that I was experiencing,even though there's other women
(27:53):
in the group that are pregnantas well, I still felt like I
didn't know who I could saysomething to.
I didn't feel comfortable.
I'm private, so I didn't wantto say something to someone and
then my business be all out inthe street.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
So you're growing and learning how to open.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Yeah, I just kind of dealt with a lot of things
internally.
Um, I went to go for therapybecause I didn't really kind of
understand what was going on andthey diagnosed me with
adjustment disorder and, um yeah, what does that mean?
Speaker 1 (28:24):
I don't want people to be confused.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Well they essentially said that I was having a hard
time adjusting to all of the newthings that was happening in my
life, all of these thingshappening in a very short span
of time, and they felt like,because I was pregnant and you
know, I'm a new mom, I'm a newwife, I have all of these
shifting things happening and umwarring priorities that I just
(28:48):
wasn't adapting to it well.
So that's what they diagnosedme with adjustment disorder.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
So you come out of your you.
Like you said, you were rightbefore your 31st birthday, so
you're not like 18 anymoregetting married, right?
So you had been through someyears of being on your own, you
carrying your own baggage ofyour relationship with your own
parents individually.
You know one of which who'sremarried and has another family
(29:14):
and everything.
And then all of a sudden you'remarried really quickly and
you're also a stepmom to thisgirl, who's six years old and
coming over every other weekendor every week sometimes yeah,
and it was.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
I mean, it was hard at first because it was like
what happened, what changed,what shifted things?
And um, I remember and I don'tknow if this was actually it or
not, but I remember the day thatI moved in, her mom also came
over with her and her mom wasmoving stuff out and I don't,
like I didn't know her mom wascoming.
I wasn't sure if her mom knew Iwas coming, but, um, you know,
(29:54):
her mom had been moved out for acouple years at that point um,
but she, you know, after thatJulia just kind of really just
digressed and I remember my momtelling me, like right after we
got married she confided in mymom and told her like I kicked
her mom out and I was like what?
Speaker 1 (30:16):
And you know she was like, yeah, you know her mom
moved out and you know her momhad to move out because I moved
in and I, you know, like I said,I don't know if that had
anything to do with it, but Ijust remembered that our
relationship took a very swiftincline like right after I moved
(30:37):
in and then it was just reallytrying to process and move into
a different space after with herand with you Big time, because
now you have also the pressureof me, who has built this
umbrella relationship with mydaughter, and I feel like it's
going great every other weekendor every week when she comes
(31:00):
over, and then then it becomesrocky, yeah, so I'm putting
pressure on you to keep it good,putting pressure on you to keep
it good, putting pressure onher to keep it good and putting
a lot of pressure on myself yeah, and we weren't really talking
about it.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
We're not talking about it was just kind of you
know your stepmom.
Now you're the mom of the house, so you need to figure it out
and you know you need to makesure she feels welcome when she
comes here and you need tofigure it out.
And you know, you need to makesure she feels welcome when she
comes here and you need tofigure it out and you know if,
if you know, there was anytension between you and I, it
was just kind of like put on theback burner.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
And it did.
It created a lot of anxiety.
I was already pregnant, so Ialready had all of these
emotions.
As is already pregnant, so Ialready had all of these
emotions, as is um, so itcreated a lot of anxiety for
both of us.
Um, with trying to figure outhow to navigate the waters.
Um, with being a new parent forme and then for you.
Now you have this new person inin the home, that is kind of
(32:03):
shifting the you know thetemperature and and how things
are kind of ran in your homeyeah um, so yeah, it was very
difficult and then I mean, youknow, I didn't really have a
relationship with her mom, butum, things, again they went kind
of left like immediately, umlike right after we got married.
(32:25):
So yeah, things were just kindof like yeah what's going on?
How do we, how do we fix this?
And it took us a while to kindof figure it out.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
And I can remember in those moments during those
first couple years, right, Iremember doing things like if
you and I had issues that weneeded to talk through, like if
we arguing or we know we havesomething that we need to work
through, and it's like ThursdayI would back burner it.
I remember purposefully beinglike I don't want to go there
(32:57):
right now because I wanteverything to be good for this
weekend, so let's put it on hold, right.
And again we go back to one ofthe things that I've learned
just in life and growing as aman and as a leader some
hallmarks of leadership.
Right, you have to understandthat there's always, as a leader
(33:18):
, there's always people who areimpacted by your moves, your
decisions.
Even if, so, you can't just belike I'm gonna do what's
comfortable or what feels good,because it's not just about you.
And being a leader isn't a jobthat people volunteer for.
It's a job that you get.
You get drafted into right,like, you are a leader period
(33:40):
and so, like leading, like yousaid, having a household and
leading it I didn't.
I didn't lead it.
I didn't know how to to lead ahousehold.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
I was just living in a house yeah, and I was, I was
kind of stepping in to do to doeverything yeah, and.
I felt really out of my elementdoing that, because I mean, a
lot of it was like I shouldn'tbe having these conversations or
.
I shouldn't be saying thesethings, but for the sake of
there needing to be aconversation, I would just gotta
(34:07):
do it and then just takewhatever fire that came from it
and look, this is.
Speaker 1 (34:11):
I think I cannot echo this enough For one.
None of this is uncommon.
I know everybody listening tothis knows that.
I want anybody who's goingthrough this right now to
understand that it's not justyou, but also.
This is a more prevalent issuein our community, right Like.
It goes beyond just blendedfamily.
It's about the mantle ofleadership and God's design for
(34:35):
a family.
When God designed man, we'resupposed to lead.
We're supposed to lead Becauseyou know what happens when we
don't?
God has designed women to takecare of it.
They're not going to let it allfall.
That's just how they're built,especially black women.
We've seen example after exampleafter example.
If the man bails, the womanwill step up and take on every
(34:59):
role, no matter how unhealthy ithas to be, no matter how toxic
it has to get.
This is what has to be done.
So they're going to do it.
So I think I mean you could goback to Adam and Eve, right Like
.
If you give a man a way out,we're going to try to take it.
We're going to try to blame.
We're going to be passive.
So I encourage any dude outthere man, instead of thinking
about and this person's againstme or this situation is against
(35:22):
me.
Look inward, look at yourselfand be like clean your own
mirror, be like what can I do toget better in this?
Is there some reason I'm coming?
Maybe I'm coming to thisunprepared.
Maybe nobody ever taught me howto really be a man who leaves a
family because I can admit thatat 48 years old I am brave
(35:42):
enough to admit when my familygot started, I was never taught
how to be a man who leaves afamily.
I just wasn't, and I had tolearn it on the job.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
I mean, I think we were both learning on the job
because I was not taught how tobe a stepmother.
My mom didn't remarry so wedidn't have any other children
in the home to kind of see whatit looked like to have you know,
to kind of work things out, soI was learning on the job as
well, and our examples was hellaawkward.
They were.
And I mean honestly, there areso many moments that I really
(36:17):
wish that I could go back andchange, but obviously that's
just not how things go and Ithink you know, at the end of
the day it kind of strengthenedus into what we are now, but
there were so many opportunitiesthat I found right into it.
(36:38):
It's like looking back at it,it's like man, I wish I could
have went back and did thatdifferently, or said this
differently, or not done this.
And you know, it's sointeresting now to kind of see
how God moves in situations likethat and how, even in those
uncomfortable spaces, um, he'sbuilding us.
You know, he's building me,cause I'm listen, I had a lot of
pressure on my plate and I amnot, a, um, passive person.
(37:01):
I'm not passive.
I, if I'm uncomfortable withsomething, we're going to talk
about it.
And you know, I found that I wasvery fiery.
I was very fiery in the verybeginning of our marriage.
I don't know if I still am,I'll let Jay answer that I was
very fiery and in trying to makeour home work, I didn't care
(37:28):
who got that heat.
I didn't.
And you know, and sometimesthat included Jay, sometimes
that included Juliet, I didn't.
I was really just trying tomake things work and I guarantee
you 1,000% I was not goingabout it the right way and, you
know, just trying to figurethings out too.
So I think we were both justtrying to walk in the situation
(37:51):
that we had and trying to figureit out, and sometimes the
figuring it out was chaotic andcrazy, but we pushed through it.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
You know how they say the sins of the father.
You know the children face it.
I do believe that.
I believe that there is a lotof blessings that God has for us
and sometimes they get delayedbecause we don't do the right
thing.
Our children can be denied somethings if we don't make certain
decisions to fall in line withwhat God got for us.
(38:25):
They can be delayed on somethings that is there for them to
fall in line with what God gotfor us.
They can be delayed on somethings that is there for them
and, I do think, for us goinginto our marriage.
God has blessed us a lot, butit's it's not.
Like you know, like I lovefootball, we didn't come out on
first down and score a touchdown.
You know what I'm saying.
We we was behind the eight ballfor one.
We started from the one yardline because we got.
(38:45):
We were set up behind to beginwith, but guess what?
And then we all made our ownmistakes.
I can own my mistakes right,like it's not even in the godly
order to have a child out ofwedlock.
So is we made our own mistakes,but that's how good God is.
He still was like I still gottaplay for y'all gotta play still
got one still are meant to be.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
Y'all are still meant to be this family that I have
put together.
I have puzzled together.
All of the pieces fit.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Y'all are just not putting them in the right places
exactly and you know just likeif you watch the cleveland
browns be on third and 40 andthey got a struggle to get that
play off.
To pray for a miracle.
It's harder when you're behindthe eight ball, but it's not
impossible.
So yeah, we went through somestruggles but it ain't
impossible, it's not.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
And our children didn't, that's the one thing
that I want to say that you know, when Honor came and even Jason
, our children did notunderstand what that was.
You know what I'm saying, likeespecially Honor and Juliet.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
They were like from birth.
Speaker 2 (39:53):
from birth it has been thick as thieves.
So even in the chaos that wasgoing on with mom and dad, they
did not experience that, theydidn't know what that looked
like.
And I'm so grateful andthankful for that, because they
are super strong together, eveneven now, with Julia coming,
they are super strong as a unitand, um, you know, I just I'm
(40:18):
I'm grateful to know that evenin going back in some of those
memories that we have, in someof those chaotic moments, there
was still that little pocket ofpeace for them.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
So what would you give to people out there who
might be going through this?
Like, when it comes tocommunication or building
relationships, what are somethings you think people should
try that you've learned alongthe way, the hard way.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
I think that communication is key and it's
not just communicating, but it'sreally trying to communicate,
to understand.
You know, because I think a lotof the time we talk at each
other man and we want our pointto come across, we want to be
heard, we want, you know, tofeel like what we said was oh,
(41:07):
that's it, right there.
You know, and you know, evenwhen conveying that and talking
to other people, it's like youwant people to validate what you
know, the most important thingthat you can do for your spouse
and for your family and foryourself is to communicate, to
listen and to really be able tounderstand what exactly is going
(41:29):
on so you can get to the rootcause, Because a lot of the
things that we went through weweren't getting to the root
cause.
We actually didn't get to theroot cause of all of the
different things that happenedin our marriage until year three
.
Three years we struggled, webutted heads, we talked at each
other and got no resolution.
(41:50):
Once we really sat down and hadthose really hard conversations
and got to the I mean digging,we dug and it was uncomfortable,
it was not fun, I did not likehim, he did not like me, we were
going through it.
But once we really got to theroot of things and really
(42:11):
actually was like oh, have wehad that back when it was
happening?
Maybe things would have wentdifferently, but we didn't.
I would say have theconversation, as uncomfortable
as it may be, don't be passiveabout it, especially the
elephant in the room.
Speaker 1 (42:28):
Don't let that elephant grow big.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
We know how big elephants can get.
Don't let him explode your house.
Don't let him do it.
Because here's the thingthere's so many people that
aren't making it past year, two,year, three, because they're
not having those hardconversations in advance.
They're not having those hardconversations in advance,
they're not having thosemarriage counselor conversations
(42:51):
, they're not talking about itwhen they get into the marriage
and really digging down deep tokind of find out what's going on
so they can progress through.
Everything is not going toalways be peaches and creams.
That is not what marriage is.
Marriage is not always peachesand cream.
It's not so.
That was that's the main thingthat I would say is to make sure
(43:12):
that you have the conversationCommunication is so key and make
sure you get some mentees, amentor that you can sit under,
be a mentee as a wife.
Take some marriage classes.
That could never hurt.
You know, you would besurprised how many people are
going through the same thingsthat you are going through if
you just kind of open up andallow people to kind of see into
(43:35):
what you're going through.
We had a select few people thatwe talked to, that we really
opened up ourselves to and, ohmy gosh, it made such a world of
difference.
We got really godly advice.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Still do.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
Still do a world of difference.
We got really godly advice um,still do, we, still do.
We were able to really kind ofsit under some people, and now
we have people who sit under us,and so it's really important to
be able to open yourself up, tohave those conversations um
open up is the key, though,because a lot of us don't know
how to do that.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
So we we got to learn and grow.
Speaker 2 (44:06):
And that could be a constant conversation, which it
was for us.
A constant conversation of hey,maybe we need to talk to
somebody else, maybe we need toget a different perspective.
Who can we reach out to thatwill hear us, that has been
through this, that is in ablended family, that knows what
we're going through, that canreally pray over us and, you
(44:27):
know, really help us beaccountable to some of the
things that we've said and done?
Speaker 1 (44:32):
It's so important to get yourself in a good community
where that kind of stuff isnormalized to, where people love
on you.
When you just around peopledoing the same thing you're
doing, you can't really grow.
It's just like an echo chamber.
You know, you got a lot ofpeople you can go to and be like
I'm mad at my wife about thisor so and so and all of that and
(44:53):
gripe, but they're not gonnahelp you grow.
So it's really important to getaround a community of people
that love you in the way thatthey help you grow, not just
gonna big you up and make youfeel good in the moment you know
, that's what is that gonnareally do exactly because we
really and you know that'sreally my piece of advice, man
is clean your mirrors, man.
You gotta be honest enough withyourself to know that we all are
(45:15):
work in progress.
Man.
You gotta you gotta be hardenough on yourself to try to get
better tomorrow, but haveenough compassion on yourself to
not dwell on the mistakes tooright and just had them open
conversations.
Because here's the thing.
I think one of the things thatreally complicates blended
families is the fact that allfamilies are constantly evolving
(45:38):
and getting better.
All parents, like the firstchild born to any parents, they
gonna get the worst version ofyou Because you don't know what
you're doing yet.
So you compound that with thewhole not married thing and that
blended together causes a bigthing.
But you got to be willing to belike look, I'm also learning
how to parent yeah, I'm alsotrying to figure that out, right
(46:02):
.
So, and you know, like I havethose kind of conversations with
Juliet these days where it'slike, look, I know I probably
wasn't so great when you wasfive and that happened.
How did this make you feel?
Let's talk about it, becausewhy not talk about it?
If you got feelings about it,let's talk about it.
I'm gonna tell you exactlywhere I was at, if I was wrong,
if I needed, if something I grewfrom.
Let's talk about that and letme tell you how I grew, so you
(46:25):
can start to see.
What does it look like for aparent to grow and get better?
I don't, I never got that frommy parents.
My parents never told me, nevertold hey, look, you know what
I'm struggling with this andhere's how I got better with
that.
My parents never said that, butthat would have went a long way
, yeah.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
And I think it's too important that you also have
some privacy in who you speak to, and that includes family.
People that you're close withmay not be the ones that you
need to have in your marriage.
Skinfolk ain't always kinfolk Imean you know, and that could
be friends, that could beparents, that could be relatives
.
Some people need.
(47:03):
You need to keep a stiff armand you know who you're sharing
your marriage with.
Speaker 1 (47:07):
Healthy boundaries.
Speaker 2 (47:08):
Some people ain't really excited to see you
excited and happy, and I mean,that's just fact.
Speaker 1 (47:14):
That's fact.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
And sometimes you just got to keep people at a
distance.
I mean, obviously they're yourfriend and you want to hang out
with them or whatever.
But when it comes to things oftrying to get good godly advice,
sometimes they may not be theright person to talk to.
Your homegirls ain't alwaysthere to make sure you good and
your homeboys may not be theones you need to be getting some
(47:36):
really good sturdy leadership.
Speaker 1 (47:38):
Be real with yourself .
You know when your folks istoxic like that you don't mean
you got to stop loving them, butyou know when you know.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
You just need to keep them out your business.
Speaker 1 (47:47):
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2 (47:48):
Right, Because you know people don't know how to
forget things.
You don't want something thaty'all went through to come up
years later and that they can'tlet that go because you didn't
share something that you didn'tneed to share.
And now here it is you or yourhusband got this cloud hanging
over the head over conversationsyou shouldn't have with
somebody that didn't need to bein your business.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
That's a lesson I learned a long time ago.
Even when you are sharingsomething, you should never cast
your spouse in a negative lightNever, because you know what
that person you're speaking to.
You will forgive your spouse,but they won't yeah, they won't.
They're gonna see that foreverforever.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
And another thing that I would say is, you know,
one of the things that was verydifficult.
I was really trying to developa relationship, and the
relationship that I was tryingto develop was not always what
my husband wanted it to looklike.
Right, and that's okay, becausehe's been around her longer.
He wants things to be great forthis person that he brought
(48:51):
into the world and that he'sbeen covering all of these years
, and so, like now that we areolder, um, you know, I've been
in Juliet's life since she wasfour and a half four, four some
really long time and, um, youknow, like I said, there's been
bumps and bruises along the way,but I'm so thankful to God that
(49:11):
we've been able to put someband-aids on those bumps and
bruises and they've healed outreally well.
And so that's one of the thingsthat I will say is to develop a
relationship, make sure thatyour relationship is one that is
going to work for both of you,because that person, that child,
should also have a say in whatthat looks like right, and not
(49:34):
to force anything, because a lotof the times, especially early
on, I was really trying to forceit because it was like what
happened.
Speaker 1 (49:42):
Like where do we?
Speaker 2 (49:42):
go left and I was really trying to kind of just.
You know I'm the woman of thehouse, I need this respect and
you know it was just all trash.
To be quite honest, at the endof the day, it's really about
what the foundation?
What kind of foundation are yousetting?
(50:02):
And what is going to grow fromout of that foundation that you
put down, and if it's if it'snothing but weeds coming up, you
need to go back to the drawingboard, yeah, and figure that out
, you know so much of.
Speaker 1 (50:13):
It is when we really boil down like what are we even
talking about?
here, right like it's.
These are all blessings.
Right, like we have children,those is God's children.
Like he chose us, he gave.
He gave us that blessing to belike take care of this for me.
You know, I'm saying we have amarriage.
That's God's union.
God ordained that.
(50:34):
These are not our things.
God is blessing us with thesethings.
So I think the key to figuringit all out, even when we don't
so, like I said in the song, iswe don't have a blueprint, but
we got footprints.
The key is always to look backat God and be like well, what is
God even asking me to do?
He gave us all roles.
Well, what is God even askingme to do?
He gave us all roles.
You know, and I think that'ssomething that I know we went a
(50:56):
long way when we started tofigure out why am I trying to do
more than just the role I'msupposed to do here?
Right, I remember the firsttime we sat down and you was
like my first role is to be yourwife.
I'm going to be your supportbecause I know you're feeling
whatever anxiety and strugglesthrough these situations.
So my first thing is to show upfor you.
(51:23):
And I was like yo, and that'sreal Right, like even for me,
even with my daughter, my job isto be her father.
My job is not to be her friend,is not to be her savior, is to
be her father.
And the more I remember that itclears things up.
I think so many times we getthese ideas and we come into it
with pain.
Right, like my thing was Idon't want to let what happened
to me and my parents, I don'twant that.
(51:45):
That's not what.
That's not what God told me todo.
He told me to just show up anduse what he put in my life to
continue to be a blessing as herfather period and stop carrying
that old baggage around.
So I think the more I can leaninto that, the more clear things
got for me.
Speaker 2 (52:01):
And I think the moment that I said how can I be
here for you?
Changed the trajectory ofeverything, because now we're on
a united front.
It's not us backburneringthings, us putting things off,
us not really dealing withsituations as they come up
(52:21):
throughout the weekend, butwe're on a united front, going
into it and as the weekendprogresses.
So there is no question, right,the support is constantly there
and then, when things do arise,we are able to really be able
to have that conversation andreally get honest and open
(52:42):
feedback and move forward withyou know how do we tackle this
together ego, you know,resentment, pride.
Once all of that got pushed tothe back burner, we were really
able to move in that unity andthat harmony that we were really
(53:03):
trying to have in our home,that we just kept missing out on
.
Speaker 1 (53:06):
Yeah, and it helped free us, you know, I think just
to end it with a couple ofpoints.
For me, man, I think it's, youknow, as I say in my book the
driver's seat.
Speaker 2 (53:17):
Hey, there we go.
Speaker 1 (53:18):
You cannot drive your car by looking through the
rearview mirror.
It's the reason that rearviewmirror is little.
That windshield is big.
You got to look forward.
God is blessing you.
You know how many times Iliterally have counted my
blessings.
It's been one of like thetechniques that helps me with
anxiety.
It's been one of the techniquesthat helps ground me, literally
(53:39):
count the ways that I'm blessed.
There's so many things that Igot in my life that other people
praying for and I used to bepraying for, so it's like you
know, the more I can staygrounded in that it helps you
move forward right.
So I know a lot of us come frompain.
A lot of us come from somereally bad modeling of how to do
a family and a blended familyand that don't gotta be our
(54:01):
story right.
And the more we can get healingand get free from trying either
blindly making that happenagain because what's the one
thing that's weird?
The more I tried to make thatstuff not happen the more I was
making it happen.
Speaker 2 (54:19):
It was like you know, I ain't went nowhere, right,
I'm here you gotta free yourselffrom that stuff, man.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
And then also, like my babe said, you gotta let it
be what it's gonna be.
God be working man.
You gotta him.
It may not look like what youwant it to today, but sometimes
that tough day be what you need.
It's what you need to getforward to an even better day.
If you had comfort today, y'allmight just be cordial a year
(54:48):
from now.
But you have that tough day.
It might be beautiful a yearfrom now.
Speaker 2 (54:52):
Yeah, yeah.
And the one thing that I'vealways done in this marriage is
advocate.
I've always fought, and that isadvocating for my husband,
advocating for my children,advocating for myself and that
goes for anybody that has got aFloyd last name I'm advocating
(55:13):
and I'm fighting for.
So, even if you're notphysically mine, you're mine,
we're married into this, I'mmarried into this and you
automatically become mine.
So you know always having thatfighting spirit, because that's
one thing God did not make amistake with and that's putting
us together and I'm always goingto fight for that.
Speaker 1 (55:36):
And just to put a bow on it y'all, just to let y'all
know, juliet is graduating in acouple of weeks.
She just went to prom.
She looks like an absolutebeautiful queen going to prom.
Her mom did an amazing job.
Speaker 2 (55:49):
She looked absolutely stunning.
Speaker 1 (55:50):
Shout out to her mom.
You know she do her thing.
She don have a podcast, so shecan't hop on here to say her
piece, but we are all good rightnow and we have a good
relationship and a healthyrelationship because of all of
us Right and because of Godshowing up and us listening to
God.
So shout out to everybodyinvolved in the situation,
(56:12):
because it takes more than justtwo people with a podcast.
It takes a lot of people withopen hearts and maturity and
maturity and forgiveness, yes,yes.
So big up to her, big up toJuliet, big up to our kids, big
up to y'all for listening andbeing like what they talking
about.
Blended family is interesting.
I'm listening, I'm listening.
Speaker 2 (56:33):
And, you know, don't forget to provide feedback or
give your comments.
We'd love to hear from you,your thoughts, what you think so
far of the podcast.
If you have any other topicsthat you want us to bring up or
you want to engage with us maybeyou want to pop on a show and
chat with us Let us know and wegot a Facebook page.
Speaker 1 (56:55):
Go, look for the Open Book Podcast facebook page.
Hit us up.
We have an instagram page.
Hit us up if you have topics,questions, anything that you
want us to address, just let usknow.
We'll call you out by name, ifyou want.
If you want some shout outs,we'll make it like the radio
station back in the day.
Speaker 2 (57:07):
Like yo, this one goes out too right you know,
we'll personalize it for youright, because you know that's
what we're here to do.
It's the open book podcast youknow sometimes our conversations
are going to be a littleuncomfortable, but the best form
of communication is to makesure you have that honest
transparency and, as my husbandcalls it, that truth pace that
(57:29):
truth place very far, gotta hityou thanks for tuning in thanks
y'all, we really appreciatey'all.
Speaker 1 (57:35):
Right here.
On the open book y'all rememberyou know when, when kids are
born, they open that book andeverybody signs it.
And, as we all know, when we goto see it, when we go to
homegoings, there's an open bookright there, everybody's
signing it.
So keep that book openthroughout your days too, right
in the middle.
It's the key of it all, righty'all?
Speaker 2 (57:52):
thanksall Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 1 (57:54):
Listen to us again next time.
We love y'all.
Speaker 2 (57:56):
Peace.
what is good everybody good y'all, welcome to
another episode of the openbook open podcast.
I am one of your hosts, jayfloyd and I am nia floyd and we
rocking, we in the family room,y'all yes, we are with the cats
fluttering about last time.
I don't know if y'all heard thedisturbance, but the cats like
(00:24):
I don't know what happened.
Speaker 2 (00:25):
They was like jumping , trying to be part of the show
yeah, and here we are anotherday with them doing the exact
same thing, so hopefully it'skept light listen audience.
Speaker 1 (00:38):
Y'all gotta understand.
We have two cats, samson andsasha samson's two, sasha, is
six months.
And they love their motherright.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
They are always hungry.
That's what it is.
Let's just keep it.
They know that I feed them andclean out their litter.
So they stalk me because theythink I'm going to provide them
with food and snacks.
Speaker 1 (01:09):
Best facts, that is true.
So I usually work in this room.
This is where I'm at all day,every day, working, and they
don't come in here, and then,like, as soon as she's in here
to do the podcast, they won'tleave, so anticipate that
they're gonna be jumping aroundy'all.
But thanks for joining us foranother episode.
I really hope y'all enjoyed ourfirst one, which was about our
(01:32):
love story.
Our love story it's unique,unconventional.
It's us, it's us, it's who weare.
I think everybody out there,all couples out there, um, y'all
got a a unique, beautiful lovestory too, right, even when
there's some ups, some downs init, some pain in it.
God don't make no mistakes.
And for anybody out there whois not married yet and hasn't
(01:56):
found that one, that story hasyet to be written.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
It's gonna be a unique story too right, if that
is your desire if that's yourdesire keep fighting, keep um
keeping your head up and stayingtrue to who you are and your
values, and you will be blessedyeah, stand true and be ready
for what god got for you,because it's probably going to
involve some challenge and somegrowth.
Speaker 1 (02:20):
Yes, you know, growth in the right direction.
Not just challenge, just forchallenge sake, but to make you
better.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
And I think that's the thing right.
We, we want that to besomething that we are ready for
and that we want to have come tous.
But are you really ready for it?
Like you may think that you are, but in all actuality,
sometimes we're not as ready aswe think.
Think that you are, but in allactuality, sometimes we're not
as ready as we think.
Yeah and um, you know we'refaced with challenges that we
(02:48):
may not be ready for and so, youknow, sometimes it takes a lot
of work and, um, that's what Iwould say.
You know, when you think thatyou're ready, get around some
people you can sit under andreally try to kind of absorb,
you know what you see, to reallymake that determination of if
(03:10):
you are ready.
I don't think that it's a badidea to just be under a mentee
to kind of grow and see what youcan learn and really find out
who you are.
I think you really kind ofdiscover who you are in those
settings and in those moments.
Speaker 1 (03:27):
That's big facts.
I think that ready point,that's a really good point.
You know what I mean, causeonly God know what that looked
like.
You know, cause I know for somepeople.
I've heard people be like I'mready, I'm sitting here, I'm
ready, I'm just waiting.
And I know for others you knowpeople like me we don't know, we
(03:47):
just get into the storm and youadapt right, like sometimes you
struggle through the readiness,yeah, because you don't even
know.
But God know you ready and youfeel like I don't know what's
going on.
But at the end of the day, godknew what he was doing, you know
so I want to encourage peoplein this scenario.
Yeah, yeah, it may not alwaysfeel like I'm sitting here.
(04:08):
I got it all.
I know I'm ready, but god knowwhen you prepared to take what's
coming towards you, so rockwith it, stay close to him you
know, and he'll provide you withthe resources that you need,
even when you feel that youaren't ready yep so don't don't
be a closed book look at thatopen yourself up.
Speaker 2 (04:27):
Y'all see, y'all see them skills.
Allow those resources to comein y'all see them segue skills.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Don't be a closed.
See, I'm using that and we'regonna use that as a commercial
for our show.
We're gonna use that.
So, yo, today we going toaddress a really big topic.
This is something we talkedabout a lot, babe, over the
years of you know not we, wewould honestly wish more people
would be more open.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Yes, because we definitely did not feel like we
had a sounding board or newpeople.
Speaker 1 (05:02):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Could really relate to kind of what we were going
through and we, once we openedourselves up, we were really
kind of surprised at how manypeople were going through the
exact same thing we went throughor had been through it and
could provide us with someadvice so, as y'all know,
today's topic is blendedfamilies blended families yes I
(05:23):
think it's kind of.
Speaker 1 (05:24):
I think it's kind of strange, um, that after all of
these generations, right likeall of us, grew up in homes of
divorce and broken families andfractured this and step that and
uncle who ain't really my uncleand you know, it's like we all
grew up around that but yetstill in 2024, it's still kind
(05:45):
of taboo to discuss and there'snot a whole lot of open
transparency about it.
Speaker 2 (05:51):
So that's one of the reasons why we really wanted to
talk about it yeah, and I mean I, I actually knew quite a few
people who had both their momand their dad in the home, um,
and seemed like they were lovingand and you know, and happy
marriages, but mean that was notthe status quo, yeah, so, yeah,
I mean we are here because wewant to talk about it, we want
(06:13):
to share what we've experiencedin our journey and then
hopefully, you know that canhelp someone in theirs.
Speaker 1 (06:19):
Absolutely, really quick.
Before we get started, let'sjust talk about our.
I know one of one of the thingswe're going to talk about so
much of this goes back to youknow.
We're talking a lot about ourpersonal journey.
So we're going to be talkingabout the things that we
personally went throughindividually and together and
with God, but so much of it isimpacted by the way we were
(06:39):
brought up.
So, just really quick, let'sjust talk about our.
What we knew about blendedfamilies coming into our
marriage, like what did we growup seeing and what was our you
know definition of blendedfamily and what did it normally
look like?
Speaker 2 (06:56):
So for me, I, my mom and my dad were married.
We moved out to Maple Heightsfrom Euclid when I was about
seven, six or seven, 88.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
88.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
And like not too long after that, my parents
separated and I remember thatthere was a stint of my dad
being back just shortly.
It's very brief, I can't eventell you how long it was because
it was that brief, shortly.
It's very brief.
I can't even tell you how longit was because it was that brief
, but I really just remember mymom being a single parent and
(07:33):
working multiple jobs to be ableto provide us with what we
needed.
I don't want to say we grew uppoor, because I don't think we
were.
I just knew that my mom was nothome and that she worked a lot
and that I didn't really have arelationship with my dad.
We, um, didn't really go overthere that often because my dad
had new kids.
Speaker 1 (07:51):
So he just started a new family, right, he started a
new family.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
He got um.
Well, they weren't married atthe time, but he started a new
family, um I.
I knew I had an older brother,um, also from my dad, my sister
is my half sister, but I mean,we grew up together, so that's
not really what we call it.
You know, in our home she's mysister, and even with my
brothers that are my, myfather's children, I don't even
call them my half brothers.
(08:14):
It's just not something that wesay you know, they're my, my,
my brothers.
So, yeah, we, we were definitely, you know, in a broken home and
you know, my dad really wasn'tpresent.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
I think it's also interesting.
You said you were it's bothways right.
So you were born into a blendedfamily.
Speaker 2 (08:34):
I was born into a blended family, but I didn't
know it to be blended.
You know, it was just that'sjust how it was.
My sister was my sister and shehad a different dad and it was
just kind of like oh okay, Imean, it really wasn't like
talked about, it was just that'smy sister and that was it.
So I mean, even with my otherbrothers, it was just like I
(08:55):
have other brothers.
It wasn't like, oh yeah, youknow it's, you guys are
considered blended.
I don't really think that thatcame into the picture until I
myself got married.
The language became like oh,blend it.
Oh, okay, all right.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:12):
What about you, honey ?
Speaker 1 (09:13):
Um, so, yeah, uh, you know, uh, my parents, my, my
dad, was a little bit of a um,he had this habit of stringing
relationships together.
I think he was one of thosepeople, um, that didn't like to
be alone, okay, so he wasmarried uh for quite a long time
, like 15 years and then he gotdivorced and he immediately uh
(09:36):
got with my mom and you knowthey had my older brother before
they got married.
And then I don't know when thedivorce from the first wife took
place, but when they gotpregnant with me they got
married.
So, like a couple months beforeI was born, they just locked it
in and got married and then,like soon as I was born, they
they separated, um, so mylifetime I don't know my parents
(09:57):
being together, right, um, thedivorce actually wasn't final
until I was five.
So five years later I don'treally know parents being
together, right, the divorceactually wasn't final until I
was five.
So five years later I don'treally know what happened in
that five years, because I'm tooyoung I can remember bits and
pieces of it being a little bit.
You know that whole toxic backand forth.
You know he got two kids overhere, so maybe he gonna come
(10:20):
here and you know, maybe hegonna paint something or fix
something.
All right, we're back to theregularly scheduled broadcast.
Now Y'all got to pardon us.
We had like gigantic deer.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
We had deer and I just went and watered my plants.
Speaker 1 (10:42):
We got to protect Bay's plants.
Speaker 2 (10:44):
I'm just saying you know, I get perennials.
I go every year to make surethey're coming up and everything
looks well.
That's the whole thing aboutperennials.
You don't have to get themevery year, but sometimes you
know some of them don't last andyou need to go and I plant
lilies, I plant all these things.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
And these deer come and eat all my stuff up.
So I literally just went outthere and watered my face.
When she saw she was like lookbehind you.
Speaker 2 (11:15):
It was a humongous deer too.
I thought it was jason vorheesbehind me.
Y'all like, oh my gosh, this isnot gonna happen today, if I
can help it.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to interrupt you,honey, it's all good, we back.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
So yeah, we was talking about my pops, right?
So he, um he came back aroundduring that five years.
I don't know it was messy, um,but ultimately they end up
getting divorced and heimmediately got remarried and um
immediately um, that five, likeas soon as he got divorced, I
don't know, it's like weeks, acouple of weeks, so it was.
(11:44):
You know, it's usually like oneof those things where it's
already over.
You're just trying to file thepapers and as soon as the papers
get filed, the other wife islike let's go, like this is what
we wait for, right?
So, um, yeah, I think it's oneof them situations.
So, yeah, I, you know.
Then, like you said, I didn'tknow anything about blending,
(12:14):
but you know how it goes.
Like the whole trope ofstepmother evil, right, I think
that it comes from the fact thatfamilies don't do this well,
right, and men, historically,that's why I think it's so much
it's always the evil stepmother,right, like you never hear the
wicked stepfather, but thewicked stepmother.
I think so much of that comesfrom the fact that dudes, we
just don't do this well anddudes tend to string
(12:36):
relationships together tootightly, and that's what my
father did and yeah, so mystepmother got kind of
introduced to me and like itwasn't great and again then we
went into the whole thing of Ididn't see my dad a whole lot.
My mother was kind of bittertowards him and it was like that
for some decades.
You know, it's like that for aminute, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:58):
Yeah, it wasn't very comfortable for us when we would
go visit my dad because therewas the new brothers, then her
son was there and I think therewas just a lot of anxiety and
pressure that went along with uscoming over and things were
just really always weird.
I felt like we got blamed for alot of things that we may or
(13:20):
may not have done.
I don't really remember, but itjust wasn't a comfortable time.
I mean, there were a lot oftimes where I could remember
sitting with my suitcases out inthe driveway waiting to go and
then that not being the day, andthen I think, as time
progressed and I got older, Ijust made the decision that I
(13:41):
didn't want to go over thereanymore, and that was just kind
of that my brother did.
My brother still went for sometime, probably till he was maybe
mid-teens and then, he stoppedgoing as well.
Speaker 1 (13:54):
That's man, that weirdness Weird is the word.
Weird, I can recall.
Like you know, we didn't go tomy dad's very often but just
calling him, I didn't even knowwhat to say.
You know, like other kids wouldanswer his phone right and it's
like so all I knew is I calledhim dad, so they would answer
and I'd be like can I speak todad?
(14:17):
and you know to them they likeafter a while it was like okay,
we know, this is Jay calling weknow, we know, we know your
voice now, but at first it waslike what do you mean, dad, like
who are you?
And you got to say who you'retalking well, what did they call
him?
Speaker 2 (14:31):
did they call him dad too, or did they call him
something else?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
no, because these were like, not necessarily.
It wasn't like slim and land,you know.
So it wasn't like my stepbrothers.
These were like my nieces andnephews who were my age, so they
called him granddad.
Speaker 2 (14:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
So it was a little different.
Yeah, but yeah, that weirdness.
And then, like you said, whenyou do get, have those
opportunities to go, it's justso easy for things to be.
That's why I think so muchfalls on the parents, because
it's so easy for things to feelunfair.
And, yeah, and for kids theydon't have, like you said, you,
(15:09):
you over there, you don't knowthese people.
It's their home, they livethere day to day.
You don't you go over there andit's like if your pops don't do
some extra to kind of explainto you what's going on, then you
got to make, you got to writeyour own narrative and that
never happened and I was theonly girl.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
So I'm in the house full of all these boys, men and
my step or his girlfriend at thetime, and, yeah, it was just,
it was weird, it was awkward, itwas weird and yeah, so that was
like what the examples that Ihad is a child and going into
(15:51):
meeting people and, like I said,I had dated before someone who
had a child and was just like,okay, this is really odd.
The situation was, you know, um,a little kind of chaotic mm-hmm
and I was kind of coming intokind of a chaotic situation and
I was just kind of like, oh no.
(16:12):
Very early on it was like, oh no, no, no, this ain't gonna work
for me.
So when I met you, you know Ihad already had that
conversation with my coworkerand so my mind frame was a
little different and it actuallyturned me on.
I was actually very intriguedby the fact that you had a child
(16:35):
, a daughter specifically, andthat you were very present,
because I myself didn't have apresent father, didn't have a
present father.
And so, you know, going into arelationship and you know as
things are, you know if itpossibly progresses, you
obviously want someone who youcan see being a good father and
you know, you know if thingsdidn't go, you know if they went
(16:59):
left and a child did appearthat they wouldn't.
You know you can already kindof see how they father.
So I was really excited to seethat you were as present as you
were.
It was not a turnoff at all.
I was like, wow, okay, this guyis a really good dad.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
And that's.
That's really kind of cool,it's kind of sexy, that's
awesome, yeah, yeah, that'sreally dope and I could feel
that, right, like I could sensethat.
You know, know, I think thething for me is, you know, that
was my blueprint with whathappened with my parents.
Um, and it actually was verylike it never got really good,
like between the three of them,right, like my mother, father
(17:37):
and stepmother.
It never got good and my mothernever healed enough to get
remarried, so, yeah, so it waslike that's just how it went.
Um, you know, by the grace ofgod, me and my stepmother are
good, but as far as, like myparents, that blueprint that I
saw, I never learned how to makethat get good.
(17:59):
So it was just always superugly, right, like really really
nasty ugly.
So for me, I went into likebecoming a parent, an unmarried
parent, and, you know, startingto look at the world of man, you
are now going to have to getmarried.
You know, my first thought wasI'm never getting married,
(18:21):
because it's like I thought thatI was never going to get
married too.
It's like this just don't workfor me, you know.
But then it's like so when wemet and I really had a struggle
of.
I really wanted to show up andbe that new example in my family
line.
I want to break this curseRight.
(18:43):
I saw so much of my father'slife replaying in my life so I
wanted to break it.
But I have any idea how toRight and I didn't know what I
needed to work on to break it.
So, yeah, going into it, I wasreally protective of the only
thing I did figure out how to doand that was this, this
(19:08):
overcompensating relationship Ihad with my daughter, right
where it was like when thingswent south with me and her mom,
I just kind of put an umbrellaover us and was just like I am
going to just lock in herewithout realizing how unhealthy
that could be.
And now I understand that thereason I didn't realize it was
(19:31):
unhealthy is because that's theway I was raised.
That's what my mother did to mein shut the world out and just
(19:52):
pour 200% into this parentingrelationship.
Right, that's what was done tome.
So that was what I justinstantly start enacting.
And what happens is and I'mpretty sure there's a lot of
dudes out here that might belistening to this that
understand you know they're agood person.
They don't want to be a badfather, they want to be a good
father, and they wereapproaching this.
But we make mistakes along theway, and one of those mistakes
is not being accountable enoughat the beginning of our new
(20:18):
relationships, right, I think mydad might've had the same issue
.
There's a lot of things you gotto show up and do and it takes
time to understand and heal, andone of those is ingratiating
your new partner, right, like weboth just sat here and talked
about our, our fathers, gettingremarried.
Coincidentally, both of ourmothers did not, right?
(20:42):
I think that is a common path,especially back in that
generation.
But when the father getsremarried, how does he seek to
blend, like we call in theseblended families, right?
How is the father putting inthe work?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
to effectively blend them.
My father did not at all andstill does not.
I should note my stepmother andI our relationship is better,
(21:28):
but we don't have some type ofdevelopment with my dad and my
stepmom and my new family andthat didn't really happen.
So, yeah, it's not.
It would be.
It would be great if that issomething that talk about in
marriage counseling.
We have marriage counseling,and we did not bring it up.
(22:10):
We did not bring up.
Speaker 1 (22:12):
Yeah, you got to have a hard conversation, that's not
something that we talked aboutat all.
Speaker 2 (22:17):
We really kind of skirted around that whole topic
and I just want to make surethat even if you're not in a
blended family, it should stillbe a conversation.
You should still have theconversation because you just
don't know what could come upfrom your past.
I mean, maybe you're notaffected by it and I don't know,
but you know, if you hadanything happen in your past
(22:39):
that you know with your parentsthat may affect you, you want to
talk about that going into.
Before you jump into a marriage, you really need to be able to
address that with yourself aswell as your partner.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Yeah, big time.
And I think that speaks to aneven bigger issue.
Right, like one of the Ibelieve one of the main reasons
we didn't talk about is, youknow, the pastor who did ours
saw that it was.
He just kind of avoided some ofthe harder things that he, I
think he knew that we wouldstruggle with.
And I would have struggled inthat conversation because in
(23:13):
that time, and you may haveprobably would have struggled in
that conversation because I dothink it's something we should
have been addressing and weweren't.
And I know, for me, I kind ofjust was like I hope this goes
well, right, like I just hopeeverything falls into place.
It was a very, very, verypassive approach to putting a
(23:33):
family together.
And the things I know now.
Passivity is the enemy ofmanhood.
You cannot lead being a passiveman and so I was super like I
really understand now.
I made huge mistakes in one notintroducing you to the whole
situation earlier and in theright fashion, right Like in an
(23:56):
accountable fashion, instead ofjust letting things all fall in
and everybody justcoincidentally run into each
other.
Being more strategic andproactive to respect everybody
in the situation, to respect youmore, to help you not have
awkward conversations andawkward moments.
But that takes work andhonestly and I know I might be
(24:18):
speaking for some other men toothere, but I know I'm gonna
speak for me it was work that Ihonestly had no idea about.
I was not raised and taught howto be a man in that fashion.
Like, honestly, by the time Ifigured it out, it was like what
I can't you know, like that wasthe last.
(24:38):
I was so passive and so afraidthat things would end up like my
mother and father and I didn'twant my child to be like I was.
So I let that fear put me in alittle closet.
I was like I'm just going to besuper passive and hopefully
(25:01):
everything will work out great.
Speaker 2 (25:05):
And even with the marriage counseling that we got,
the pastor was in a blendedfamily.
Yes, so it would have been likea really good opportunity for us
to kind of bring up someconcerns.
But I could feel your uneaseand I had unease as well.
It's like I don't want to rockthe boat by, you know, bringing
up the fact that we're going tobe a blended family and some of
(25:26):
the things that we're currentlyexperiencing is just like, ok,
maybe we should just kind ofskip over this part, but sure
enough, those things came uppractically immediately, like
immediately after we got married.
So it is very important to bevocal and to have a voice,
(25:46):
because it's not you having avoice just for yourself, it's
you having a voice for yourfamily as well, and maybe some
of the things that you'requestioning or have some insight
about, your partner could bestruggling with those same
things, and you guys couldreally open the door to really
kind of nip some of that in thebud if one of y'all opened up
(26:07):
and had the conversation aboutit.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
So let's talk about some of those challenges, like
what was the initial adjustmentof being in a blended family
right, because for you, you wentfrom being a single woman.
Speaker 2 (26:20):
Yeah.
So for me, jay proposed to meon my 30th birthday.
I graduated with my bachelor'sdegree just a couple months
later.
We started planning our weddingimmediately after I graduated,
in May, and we're married byAugust 25th.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
We don't wait a long time to do stuff.
No, we don't.
In case y'all didn't know thatno, we just don't get it in.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
We came into it debt free, which is a huge blessing,
but we didn't realize that wehad other baggage that we were
bringing into it, and so Iimmediately became a stepmom,
which was fine.
Juliet and I, we had a reallygood friendship in the beginning
.
Things changed shortly after Imoved in, which my lease was up
(27:11):
like a month before we gotmarried and like right after I
moved in, things kind of shifteda bit into us getting married
and then shortly after that Ifound out I was pregnant right
before Dave's birthday.
I told him on his birthday thatI was pregnant.
So, yeah, I had a lot of thingshappen before, all before my
31st birthday.
Speaker 1 (27:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:32):
And I didn't feel like I had anybody that I could
talk to.
Um, even though we were in amarriage group and um, everybody
you know, they're all married,a lot of them were freshly
married I still felt like wedidn't have anybody we could
talk to and I didn't know who Icould talk to about some of the
things that I was experiencing,even though there's other women
(27:53):
in the group that are pregnantas well, I still felt like I
didn't know who I could saysomething to.
I didn't feel comfortable.
I'm private, so I didn't wantto say something to someone and
then my business be all out inthe street.
Speaker 1 (28:06):
So you're growing and learning how to open.
Speaker 2 (28:08):
Yeah, I just kind of dealt with a lot of things
internally.
Um, I went to go for therapybecause I didn't really kind of
understand what was going on andthey diagnosed me with
adjustment disorder and, um yeah, what does that mean?
Speaker 1 (28:24):
I don't want people to be confused.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Well they essentially said that I was having a hard
time adjusting to all of the newthings that was happening in my
life, all of these thingshappening in a very short span
of time, and they felt like,because I was pregnant and you
know, I'm a new mom, I'm a newwife, I have all of these
shifting things happening and umwarring priorities that I just
(28:48):
wasn't adapting to it well.
So that's what they diagnosedme with adjustment disorder.
Speaker 1 (28:53):
So you come out of your you.
Like you said, you were rightbefore your 31st birthday, so
you're not like 18 anymoregetting married, right?
So you had been through someyears of being on your own, you
carrying your own baggage ofyour relationship with your own
parents individually.
You know one of which who'sremarried and has another family
(29:14):
and everything.
And then all of a sudden you'remarried really quickly and
you're also a stepmom to thisgirl, who's six years old and
coming over every other weekendor every week sometimes yeah,
and it was.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
I mean, it was hard at first because it was like
what happened, what changed,what shifted things?
And um, I remember and I don'tknow if this was actually it or
not, but I remember the day thatI moved in, her mom also came
over with her and her mom wasmoving stuff out and I don't,
like I didn't know her mom wascoming.
I wasn't sure if her mom knew Iwas coming, but, um, you know,
(29:54):
her mom had been moved out for acouple years at that point um,
but she, you know, after thatJulia just kind of really just
digressed and I remember my momtelling me, like right after we
got married she confided in mymom and told her like I kicked
her mom out and I was like what?
Speaker 1 (30:16):
And you know she was like, yeah, you know her mom
moved out and you know her momhad to move out because I moved
in and I, you know, like I said,I don't know if that had
anything to do with it, but Ijust remembered that our
relationship took a very swiftincline like right after I moved
(30:37):
in and then it was just reallytrying to process and move into
a different space after with herand with you Big time, because
now you have also the pressureof me, who has built this
umbrella relationship with mydaughter, and I feel like it's
going great every other weekendor every week when she comes
(31:00):
over, and then then it becomesrocky, yeah, so I'm putting
pressure on you to keep it good,putting pressure on you to keep
it good, putting pressure onher to keep it good and putting
a lot of pressure on myself yeah, and we weren't really talking
about it.
Speaker 2 (31:17):
We're not talking about it was just kind of you
know your stepmom.
Now you're the mom of the house, so you need to figure it out
and you know you need to makesure she feels welcome when she
comes here and you need tofigure it out.
And you know, you need to makesure she feels welcome when she
comes here and you need tofigure it out and you know if,
if you know, there was anytension between you and I, it
was just kind of like put on theback burner.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
And it did.
It created a lot of anxiety.
I was already pregnant, so Ialready had all of these
emotions.
As is already pregnant, so Ialready had all of these
emotions, as is um, so itcreated a lot of anxiety for
both of us.
Um, with trying to figure outhow to navigate the waters.
Um, with being a new parent forme and then for you.
Now you have this new person inin the home, that is kind of
(32:03):
shifting the you know thetemperature and and how things
are kind of ran in your homeyeah um, so yeah, it was very
difficult and then I mean, youknow, I didn't really have a
relationship with her mom, butum, things, again they went kind
of left like immediately, umlike right after we got married.
(32:25):
So yeah, things were just kindof like yeah what's going on?
How do we, how do we fix this?
And it took us a while to kindof figure it out.
Speaker 1 (32:34):
And I can remember in those moments during those
first couple years, right, Iremember doing things like if
you and I had issues that weneeded to talk through, like if
we arguing or we know we havesomething that we need to work
through, and it's like ThursdayI would back burner it.
I remember purposefully beinglike I don't want to go there
(32:57):
right now because I wanteverything to be good for this
weekend, so let's put it on hold, right.
And again we go back to one ofthe things that I've learned
just in life and growing as aman and as a leader some
hallmarks of leadership.
Right, you have to understandthat there's always, as a leader
(33:18):
, there's always people who areimpacted by your moves, your
decisions.
Even if, so, you can't just belike I'm gonna do what's
comfortable or what feels good,because it's not just about you.
And being a leader isn't a jobthat people volunteer for.
It's a job that you get.
You get drafted into right,like, you are a leader period
(33:40):
and so, like leading, like yousaid, having a household and
leading it I didn't.
I didn't lead it.
I didn't know how to to lead ahousehold.
Speaker 2 (33:46):
I was just living in a house yeah, and I was, I was
kind of stepping in to do to doeverything yeah, and.
I felt really out of my elementdoing that, because I mean, a
lot of it was like I shouldn'tbe having these conversations or
.
I shouldn't be saying thesethings, but for the sake of
there needing to be aconversation, I would just gotta
(34:07):
do it and then just takewhatever fire that came from it
and look, this is.
Speaker 1 (34:11):
I think I cannot echo this enough For one.
None of this is uncommon.
I know everybody listening tothis knows that.
I want anybody who's goingthrough this right now to
understand that it's not justyou, but also.
This is a more prevalent issuein our community, right Like.
It goes beyond just blendedfamily.
It's about the mantle ofleadership and God's design for
(34:35):
a family.
When God designed man, we'resupposed to lead.
We're supposed to lead Becauseyou know what happens when we
don't?
God has designed women to takecare of it.
They're not going to let it allfall.
That's just how they're built,especially black women.
We've seen example after exampleafter example.
If the man bails, the womanwill step up and take on every
(34:59):
role, no matter how unhealthy ithas to be, no matter how toxic
it has to get.
This is what has to be done.
So they're going to do it.
So I think I mean you could goback to Adam and Eve, right Like
.
If you give a man a way out,we're going to try to take it.
We're going to try to blame.
We're going to be passive.
So I encourage any dude outthere man, instead of thinking
about and this person's againstme or this situation is against
(35:22):
me.
Look inward, look at yourselfand be like clean your own
mirror, be like what can I do toget better in this?
Is there some reason I'm coming?
Maybe I'm coming to thisunprepared.
Maybe nobody ever taught me howto really be a man who leaves a
family because I can admit thatat 48 years old I am brave
(35:42):
enough to admit when my familygot started, I was never taught
how to be a man who leaves afamily.
I just wasn't, and I had tolearn it on the job.
Speaker 2 (35:54):
I mean, I think we were both learning on the job
because I was not taught how tobe a stepmother.
My mom didn't remarry so wedidn't have any other children
in the home to kind of see whatit looked like to have you know,
to kind of work things out, soI was learning on the job as
well, and our examples was hellaawkward.
They were.
And I mean honestly, there areso many moments that I really
(36:17):
wish that I could go back andchange, but obviously that's
just not how things go and Ithink you know, at the end of
the day it kind of strengthenedus into what we are now, but
there were so many opportunitiesthat I found right into it.
(36:38):
It's like looking back at it,it's like man, I wish I could
have went back and did thatdifferently, or said this
differently, or not done this.
And you know, it's sointeresting now to kind of see
how God moves in situations likethat and how, even in those
uncomfortable spaces, um, he'sbuilding us.
You know, he's building me,cause I'm listen, I had a lot of
pressure on my plate and I amnot, a, um, passive person.
(37:01):
I'm not passive.
I, if I'm uncomfortable withsomething, we're going to talk
about it.
And you know, I found that I wasvery fiery.
I was very fiery in the verybeginning of our marriage.
I don't know if I still am,I'll let Jay answer that I was
very fiery and in trying to makeour home work, I didn't care
(37:28):
who got that heat.
I didn't.
And you know, and sometimesthat included Jay, sometimes
that included Juliet, I didn't.
I was really just trying tomake things work and I guarantee
you 1,000% I was not goingabout it the right way and, you
know, just trying to figurethings out too.
So I think we were both justtrying to walk in the situation
(37:51):
that we had and trying to figureit out, and sometimes the
figuring it out was chaotic andcrazy, but we pushed through it.
Speaker 1 (38:02):
You know how they say the sins of the father.
You know the children face it.
I do believe that.
I believe that there is a lotof blessings that God has for us
and sometimes they get delayedbecause we don't do the right
thing.
Our children can be denied somethings if we don't make certain
decisions to fall in line withwhat God got for us.
(38:25):
They can be delayed on somethings that is there for them to
fall in line with what God gotfor us.
They can be delayed on somethings that is there for them
and, I do think, for us goinginto our marriage.
God has blessed us a lot, butit's it's not.
Like you know, like I lovefootball, we didn't come out on
first down and score a touchdown.
You know what I'm saying.
We we was behind the eight ballfor one.
We started from the one yardline because we got.
(38:45):
We were set up behind to beginwith, but guess what?
And then we all made our ownmistakes.
I can own my mistakes right,like it's not even in the godly
order to have a child out ofwedlock.
So is we made our own mistakes,but that's how good God is.
He still was like I still gottaplay for y'all gotta play still
got one still are meant to be.
Speaker 2 (39:06):
Y'all are still meant to be this family that I have
put together.
I have puzzled together.
All of the pieces fit.
Speaker 1 (39:14):
Y'all are just not putting them in the right places
exactly and you know just likeif you watch the cleveland
browns be on third and 40 andthey got a struggle to get that
play off.
To pray for a miracle.
It's harder when you're behindthe eight ball, but it's not
impossible.
So yeah, we went through somestruggles but it ain't
impossible, it's not.
Speaker 2 (39:35):
And our children didn't, that's the one thing
that I want to say that you know, when Honor came and even Jason
, our children did notunderstand what that was.
You know what I'm saying, likeespecially Honor and Juliet.
Speaker 1 (39:50):
They were like from birth.
Speaker 2 (39:53):
from birth it has been thick as thieves.
So even in the chaos that wasgoing on with mom and dad, they
did not experience that, theydidn't know what that looked
like.
And I'm so grateful andthankful for that, because they
are super strong together, eveneven now, with Julia coming,
they are super strong as a unitand, um, you know, I just I'm
(40:18):
I'm grateful to know that evenin going back in some of those
memories that we have, in someof those chaotic moments, there
was still that little pocket ofpeace for them.
Speaker 1 (40:31):
So what would you give to people out there who
might be going through this?
Like, when it comes tocommunication or building
relationships, what are somethings you think people should
try that you've learned alongthe way, the hard way.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
I think that communication is key and it's
not just communicating, but it'sreally trying to communicate,
to understand.
You know, because I think a lotof the time we talk at each
other man and we want our pointto come across, we want to be
heard, we want, you know, tofeel like what we said was oh,
(41:07):
that's it, right there.
You know, and you know, evenwhen conveying that and talking
to other people, it's like youwant people to validate what you
know, the most important thingthat you can do for your spouse
and for your family and foryourself is to communicate, to
listen and to really be able tounderstand what exactly is going
(41:29):
on so you can get to the rootcause, Because a lot of the
things that we went through weweren't getting to the root
cause.
We actually didn't get to theroot cause of all of the
different things that happenedin our marriage until year three
.
Three years we struggled, webutted heads, we talked at each
other and got no resolution.
(41:50):
Once we really sat down and hadthose really hard conversations
and got to the I mean digging,we dug and it was uncomfortable,
it was not fun, I did not likehim, he did not like me, we were
going through it.
But once we really got to theroot of things and really
(42:11):
actually was like oh, have wehad that back when it was
happening?
Maybe things would have wentdifferently, but we didn't.
I would say have theconversation, as uncomfortable
as it may be, don't be passiveabout it, especially the
elephant in the room.
Speaker 1 (42:28):
Don't let that elephant grow big.
Speaker 2 (42:30):
We know how big elephants can get.
Don't let him explode your house.
Don't let him do it.
Because here's the thingthere's so many people that
aren't making it past year, two,year, three, because they're
not having those hardconversations in advance.
They're not having those hardconversations in advance,
they're not having thosemarriage counselor conversations
(42:51):
, they're not talking about itwhen they get into the marriage
and really digging down deep tokind of find out what's going on
so they can progress through.
Everything is not going toalways be peaches and creams.
That is not what marriage is.
Marriage is not always peachesand cream.
It's not so.
That was that's the main thingthat I would say is to make sure
(43:12):
that you have the conversationCommunication is so key and make
sure you get some mentees, amentor that you can sit under,
be a mentee as a wife.
Take some marriage classes.
That could never hurt.
You know, you would besurprised how many people are
going through the same thingsthat you are going through if
you just kind of open up andallow people to kind of see into
(43:35):
what you're going through.
We had a select few people thatwe talked to, that we really
opened up ourselves to and, ohmy gosh, it made such a world of
difference.
We got really godly advice.
Speaker 1 (43:46):
Still do.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
Still do a world of difference.
We got really godly advice um,still do, we, still do.
We were able to really kind ofsit under some people, and now
we have people who sit under us,and so it's really important to
be able to open yourself up, tohave those conversations um
open up is the key, though,because a lot of us don't know
how to do that.
Speaker 1 (44:04):
So we we got to learn and grow.
Speaker 2 (44:06):
And that could be a constant conversation, which it
was for us.
A constant conversation of hey,maybe we need to talk to
somebody else, maybe we need toget a different perspective.
Who can we reach out to thatwill hear us, that has been
through this, that is in ablended family, that knows what
we're going through, that canreally pray over us and, you
(44:27):
know, really help us beaccountable to some of the
things that we've said and done?
Speaker 1 (44:32):
It's so important to get yourself in a good community
where that kind of stuff isnormalized to, where people love
on you.
When you just around peopledoing the same thing you're
doing, you can't really grow.
It's just like an echo chamber.
You know, you got a lot ofpeople you can go to and be like
I'm mad at my wife about thisor so and so and all of that and
(44:53):
gripe, but they're not gonnahelp you grow.
So it's really important to getaround a community of people
that love you in the way thatthey help you grow, not just
gonna big you up and make youfeel good in the moment you know
, that's what is that gonnareally do exactly because we
really and you know that'sreally my piece of advice, man
is clean your mirrors, man.
You gotta be honest enough withyourself to know that we all are
(45:15):
work in progress.
Man.
You gotta you gotta be hardenough on yourself to try to get
better tomorrow, but haveenough compassion on yourself to
not dwell on the mistakes tooright and just had them open
conversations.
Because here's the thing.
I think one of the things thatreally complicates blended
families is the fact that allfamilies are constantly evolving
(45:38):
and getting better.
All parents, like the firstchild born to any parents, they
gonna get the worst version ofyou Because you don't know what
you're doing yet.
So you compound that with thewhole not married thing and that
blended together causes a bigthing.
But you got to be willing to belike look, I'm also learning
how to parent yeah, I'm alsotrying to figure that out, right
(46:02):
.
So, and you know, like I havethose kind of conversations with
Juliet these days where it'slike, look, I know I probably
wasn't so great when you wasfive and that happened.
How did this make you feel?
Let's talk about it, becausewhy not talk about it?
If you got feelings about it,let's talk about it.
I'm gonna tell you exactlywhere I was at, if I was wrong,
if I needed, if something I grewfrom.
Let's talk about that and letme tell you how I grew, so you
(46:25):
can start to see.
What does it look like for aparent to grow and get better?
I don't, I never got that frommy parents.
My parents never told me, nevertold hey, look, you know what
I'm struggling with this andhere's how I got better with
that.
My parents never said that, butthat would have went a long way
, yeah.
Speaker 2 (46:42):
And I think it's too important that you also have
some privacy in who you speak to, and that includes family.
People that you're close withmay not be the ones that you
need to have in your marriage.
Skinfolk ain't always kinfolk Imean you know, and that could
be friends, that could beparents, that could be relatives
.
Some people need.
(47:03):
You need to keep a stiff armand you know who you're sharing
your marriage with.
Speaker 1 (47:07):
Healthy boundaries.
Speaker 2 (47:08):
Some people ain't really excited to see you
excited and happy, and I mean,that's just fact.
Speaker 1 (47:14):
That's fact.
Speaker 2 (47:15):
And sometimes you just got to keep people at a
distance.
I mean, obviously they're yourfriend and you want to hang out
with them or whatever.
But when it comes to things oftrying to get good godly advice,
sometimes they may not be theright person to talk to.
Your homegirls ain't alwaysthere to make sure you good and
your homeboys may not be theones you need to be getting some
(47:36):
really good sturdy leadership.
Speaker 1 (47:38):
Be real with yourself .
You know when your folks istoxic like that you don't mean
you got to stop loving them, butyou know when you know.
Speaker 2 (47:46):
You just need to keep them out your business.
Speaker 1 (47:47):
You know what I'm saying?
Speaker 2 (47:48):
Right, Because you know people don't know how to
forget things.
You don't want something thaty'all went through to come up
years later and that they can'tlet that go because you didn't
share something that you didn'tneed to share.
And now here it is you or yourhusband got this cloud hanging
over the head over conversationsyou shouldn't have with
somebody that didn't need to bein your business.
Speaker 1 (48:08):
That's a lesson I learned a long time ago.
Even when you are sharingsomething, you should never cast
your spouse in a negative lightNever, because you know what
that person you're speaking to.
You will forgive your spouse,but they won't yeah, they won't.
They're gonna see that foreverforever.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
And another thing that I would say is, you know,
one of the things that was verydifficult.
I was really trying to developa relationship, and the
relationship that I was tryingto develop was not always what
my husband wanted it to looklike.
Right, and that's okay, becausehe's been around her longer.
He wants things to be great forthis person that he brought
(48:51):
into the world and that he'sbeen covering all of these years
, and so, like now that we areolder, um, you know, I've been
in Juliet's life since she wasfour and a half four, four some
really long time and, um, youknow, like I said, there's been
bumps and bruises along the way,but I'm so thankful to God that
(49:11):
we've been able to put someband-aids on those bumps and
bruises and they've healed outreally well.
And so that's one of the thingsthat I will say is to develop a
relationship, make sure thatyour relationship is one that is
going to work for both of you,because that person, that child,
should also have a say in whatthat looks like right, and not
(49:34):
to force anything, because a lotof the times, especially early
on, I was really trying to forceit because it was like what
happened.
Speaker 1 (49:42):
Like where do we?
Speaker 2 (49:42):
go left and I was really trying to kind of just.
You know I'm the woman of thehouse, I need this respect and
you know it was just all trash.
To be quite honest, at the endof the day, it's really about
what the foundation?
What kind of foundation are yousetting?
(50:02):
And what is going to grow fromout of that foundation that you
put down, and if it's if it'snothing but weeds coming up, you
need to go back to the drawingboard, yeah, and figure that out
, you know so much of.
Speaker 1 (50:13):
It is when we really boil down like what are we even
talking about?
here, right like it's.
These are all blessings.
Right, like we have children,those is God's children.
Like he chose us, he gave.
He gave us that blessing to belike take care of this for me.
You know, I'm saying we have amarriage.
That's God's union.
God ordained that.
(50:34):
These are not our things.
God is blessing us with thesethings.
So I think the key to figuringit all out, even when we don't
so, like I said in the song, iswe don't have a blueprint, but
we got footprints.
The key is always to look backat God and be like well, what is
God even asking me to do?
He gave us all roles.
Well, what is God even askingme to do?
He gave us all roles.
You know, and I think that'ssomething that I know we went a
(50:56):
long way when we started tofigure out why am I trying to do
more than just the role I'msupposed to do here?
Right, I remember the firsttime we sat down and you was
like my first role is to be yourwife.
I'm going to be your supportbecause I know you're feeling
whatever anxiety and strugglesthrough these situations.
So my first thing is to show upfor you.
(51:23):
And I was like yo, and that'sreal Right, like even for me,
even with my daughter, my job isto be her father.
My job is not to be her friend,is not to be her savior, is to
be her father.
And the more I remember that itclears things up.
I think so many times we getthese ideas and we come into it
with pain.
Right, like my thing was Idon't want to let what happened
to me and my parents, I don'twant that.
(51:45):
That's not what.
That's not what God told me todo.
He told me to just show up anduse what he put in my life to
continue to be a blessing as herfather period and stop carrying
that old baggage around.
So I think the more I can leaninto that, the more clear things
got for me.
Speaker 2 (52:01):
And I think the moment that I said how can I be
here for you?
Changed the trajectory ofeverything, because now we're on
a united front.
It's not us backburneringthings, us putting things off,
us not really dealing withsituations as they come up
(52:21):
throughout the weekend, butwe're on a united front, going
into it and as the weekendprogresses.
So there is no question, right,the support is constantly there
and then, when things do arise,we are able to really be able
to have that conversation andreally get honest and open
(52:42):
feedback and move forward withyou know how do we tackle this
together ego, you know,resentment, pride.
Once all of that got pushed tothe back burner, we were really
able to move in that unity andthat harmony that we were really
(53:03):
trying to have in our home,that we just kept missing out on
.
Speaker 1 (53:06):
Yeah, and it helped free us, you know, I think just
to end it with a couple ofpoints.
For me, man, I think it's, youknow, as I say in my book the
driver's seat.
Speaker 2 (53:17):
Hey, there we go.
Speaker 1 (53:18):
You cannot drive your car by looking through the
rearview mirror.
It's the reason that rearviewmirror is little.
That windshield is big.
You got to look forward.
God is blessing you.
You know how many times Iliterally have counted my
blessings.
It's been one of like thetechniques that helps me with
anxiety.
It's been one of the techniquesthat helps ground me, literally
(53:39):
count the ways that I'm blessed.
There's so many things that Igot in my life that other people
praying for and I used to bepraying for, so it's like you
know, the more I can staygrounded in that it helps you
move forward right.
So I know a lot of us come frompain.
A lot of us come from somereally bad modeling of how to do
a family and a blended familyand that don't gotta be our
(54:01):
story right.
And the more we can get healingand get free from trying either
blindly making that happenagain because what's the one
thing that's weird?
The more I tried to make thatstuff not happen the more I was
making it happen.
Speaker 2 (54:19):
It was like you know, I ain't went nowhere, right,
I'm here you gotta free yourselffrom that stuff, man.
Speaker 1 (54:26):
And then also, like my babe said, you gotta let it
be what it's gonna be.
God be working man.
You gotta him.
It may not look like what youwant it to today, but sometimes
that tough day be what you need.
It's what you need to getforward to an even better day.
If you had comfort today, y'allmight just be cordial a year
(54:48):
from now.
But you have that tough day.
It might be beautiful a yearfrom now.
Speaker 2 (54:52):
Yeah, yeah.
And the one thing that I'vealways done in this marriage is
advocate.
I've always fought, and that isadvocating for my husband,
advocating for my children,advocating for myself and that
goes for anybody that has got aFloyd last name I'm advocating
(55:13):
and I'm fighting for.
So, even if you're notphysically mine, you're mine,
we're married into this, I'mmarried into this and you
automatically become mine.
So you know always having thatfighting spirit, because that's
one thing God did not make amistake with and that's putting
us together and I'm always goingto fight for that.
Speaker 1 (55:36):
And just to put a bow on it y'all, just to let y'all
know, juliet is graduating in acouple of weeks.
She just went to prom.
She looks like an absolutebeautiful queen going to prom.
Her mom did an amazing job.
Speaker 2 (55:49):
She looked absolutely stunning.
Speaker 1 (55:50):
Shout out to her mom.
You know she do her thing.
She don have a podcast, so shecan't hop on here to say her
piece, but we are all good rightnow and we have a good
relationship and a healthyrelationship because of all of
us Right and because of Godshowing up and us listening to
God.
So shout out to everybodyinvolved in the situation,
(56:12):
because it takes more than justtwo people with a podcast.
It takes a lot of people withopen hearts and maturity and
maturity and forgiveness, yes,yes.
So big up to her, big up toJuliet, big up to our kids, big
up to y'all for listening andbeing like what they talking
about.
Blended family is interesting.
I'm listening, I'm listening.
Speaker 2 (56:33):
And, you know, don't forget to provide feedback or
give your comments.
We'd love to hear from you,your thoughts, what you think so
far of the podcast.
If you have any other topicsthat you want us to bring up or
you want to engage with us maybeyou want to pop on a show and
chat with us Let us know and wegot a Facebook page.
Speaker 1 (56:55):
Go, look for the Open Book Podcast facebook page.
Hit us up.
We have an instagram page.
Hit us up if you have topics,questions, anything that you
want us to address, just let usknow.
We'll call you out by name, ifyou want.
If you want some shout outs,we'll make it like the radio
station back in the day.
Speaker 2 (57:07):
Like yo, this one goes out too right you know,
we'll personalize it for youright, because you know that's
what we're here to do.
It's the open book podcast youknow sometimes our conversations
are going to be a littleuncomfortable, but the best form
of communication is to makesure you have that honest
transparency and, as my husbandcalls it, that truth pace that
(57:29):
truth place very far, gotta hityou thanks for tuning in thanks
y'all, we really appreciatey'all.
Speaker 1 (57:35):
Right here.
On the open book y'all rememberyou know when, when kids are
born, they open that book andeverybody signs it.
And, as we all know, when we goto see it, when we go to
homegoings, there's an open bookright there, everybody's
signing it.
So keep that book openthroughout your days too, right
in the middle.
It's the key of it all, righty'all?
Speaker 2 (57:52):
thanksall Thanks for joining us.
Speaker 1 (57:54):
Listen to us again next time.
We love y'all.
Speaker 2 (57:56):
Peace.
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