May 27, 2024 • 32 mins
Have you ever felt like you're talking to a wall when trying to communicate with your partner? It's the dance of dialogue within marriage, where sometimes one partner leads with avoidance and the other is left stumbling. In our latest episode, we unravel the threads of spousal communication, casting a spotlight on the challenge of engaging with an avoidant partner and the frustration that ensues when the conversation you desperately need keeps getting postponed. Through the personal story of one of our clients, we trace how the echoes of our upbringings play a role in shaping the way we connect—or disconnect—with our significant others, and how these patterns can leave us feeling neglected and without a voice.
Echoing through this episode is the vital importance of crafting a sanctuary for open conversation in your marriage. We discuss the art of shedding the armor of self-deprecation and sidestepping the hurdles, instead embracing a dialogue rooted in respect, patience, and understanding. By laying down the weapons of judgment and defensiveness, we uncover how to create a space where emotions can be expressed freely and where both partners feel heard. This isn't just about talking; it's about transforming the very fabric of your relationship through the power of mature, thoughtful communication. Join us as we offer strategies and hope for those seeking to turn the tide of their most cherished bonds, forging deeper connections and paving the way to a harmonious future.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode
of the other side of thestruggle.
Today we are chatting aboutsomething that I get a lot when
it comes to my clients wantingto heal their marriage, and that
is the avoidant husband.
And we know we've talkedalready about narcissist or
(00:21):
avoidant right.
But I think this also issomething that I think needs to
be addressed, because oftentimesconversations are like really
big, important but difficultconversations are being avoided
and women are constantlyfrustrated at their husbands
(00:44):
because he just is not talkingto them and so they'll go into
these conversations and they'lltry and get him to wake up and
listen to me.
I'm trying to tell you what'sgoing on and this is so
frustrating and if we don't fixthis, like everything is going
to go to hell in a handbasketand she's either feeling
(01:07):
dismissed or rejected and whenshe keeps trying to come up with
what is really really importantand scary to her and leaving
the conversation, feeling evenworse because there really
wasn't a conversation thathappened, because he didn't talk
, he just shut down or went intothe blame of I'm the worst
(01:33):
person ever, you should justleave me and avoided the
conversation, and neither one ofthose things is helpful.
Obviously, it doesn't leaveeither person feeling seen,
heard or appreciated.
So what do we do when we getinto these situations with our
(01:54):
spouses or really anyone that isjust avoiding the difficult
conversation?
Well, number one it's reallyimportant that we understand
where these people or yourhusband, whoever it is you're
wanting help with, where they'recoming from and what are they
(02:15):
thinking.
Well, number one communicationhas not been taught well In our
society today.
People do not know how tocommunicate and on top of that
we are using social media tocommunicate things.
We're texting, we're messagingback and forth or we're posting.
(02:38):
We might even get really angryon somebody's post and say
something really nasty and meansomething that we would never
say to somebody's face, becausewe can still be protected behind
the computer.
This has caused some really bigissues in communication in our
society today, but it wasn'treally well done either before
(03:06):
computers even came out.
We've had a really bigmisjudgment and misunderstanding
of opposite genders for a verylong time and so far I've traced
(03:37):
the misunderstanding and thefears and the roles and the
literally the falling apart ofthe masculine and the feminine
energies and understandingsRoughly to about the 30s, the
20s and the 30s, 1920s, 1930s,and I could get into that later.
But what ended up happening iswhen we start to misunderstand,
we also start to miscommunicate,and when we start to
miscommunicate, things are oftenheard wrong.
(03:59):
We're not asking for clarity,wrong, we're not asking for
clarity, we're just gettingemotional and nobody hears
anything.
We're too busy looking for waysto block and parry and respond
(04:20):
and not actually get in and havea discussion.
That might be difficult butnecessary.
We're too busy trying to defendand prove our points and blame,
blame, blame, blame the otherperson, and so we're not.
We're growing up with notreally great examples of
(04:40):
communication.
Examples of communication Now.
For example, I had a clientwhose father he was a good man
(05:01):
and he provided.
He worked hard, he provided forthe family, taught the kids to
speak kindly to their mother,but he never really saw his
father actually have adiscussion with his mom.
His mom ended up feeling quiteneglected by her husband because
he was either at work or off onsome project and never really
taking any focus, time and andeffort on her, and so she was
(05:25):
consistently feeling abandonedand lonely.
Well, when this man got into amarriage, he had similar
problems where he kind ofabandoned his wife and made her
feel lonely.
He didn't really take time tostudy her of abandoned his wife
(05:46):
and made her feel lonely.
He didn't really take time tostudy her, to understand her, to
get to know her.
He just felt like the processwas done after they had been
married and if you want tounderstand more about this, go
listen to my previous podcastand he knew his wife, and so he
came to me wondering like hiswife actually came to me,
(06:07):
wondering why she couldn't havea conversation with him.
Every single time she tried toshare how he, how she, was
feeling, he dismissed it or saidthat was ridiculous, or just
walked away or got angry or noneof the appropriate responses
(06:27):
that she was really hoping foras she tried to express what she
needed.
And so she was beginning tofeel shut down and stopped
talking.
And so, because the two of themweren't talking, other types of
communication started coming upwhen we're not talking to each
(06:47):
other, other types ofcommunication like a simple look
, body language, the coldshoulder, things like that
started happening, and he beganfeeling abandoned in the
marriage too.
See, there's more than one wayto communicate.
(07:08):
There's more than one way toget a point across, and when our
emotions are not beingaddressed and they're being
dismissed.
Well then, we tend to get veryresentful.
So a lot of resentment wasbuilding up in their marriage
and she was to the point ofwanting to divorce.
But he was a good man.
(07:32):
He was trying hard to supporthis family, he was good to the
kids, he wasn't cruel.
He just did not know how tocommunicate, and every single
time she would be coming to himand saying I'm not feeling heard
(07:56):
or seen by you.
He didn't know how to deal withthat and it triggered things
inside of him.
And so I started working withher and um, explaining this
communication thing to her andthat they were still
(08:18):
communicating, but not inhealthy ways, um, and so we
started working out how toactually master our emotions,
take full ownership for ouremotions, and learning ways to
be able to communicate.
(08:38):
And we're going to get intothat in just a minute.
But what this lack ofcommunication has done for men
is it has taught them that theyare a failure and society is not
helping either, because societyis basically telling men, yeah,
(08:58):
you are, we're trying to cancelmen, we're living in a cancel
culture of men, but we're alsoliving in a cancel culture of
women.
Goes back to themisunderstandings and the lack
of respect.
Right, men are being told thatthey're foolish, stupid and
(09:21):
they're not needed, and womenare told we need to be
absolutely perfect and that wecan do as much as a man, if not
better, and that we need to dothe entire life without men.
And this is both sides, bothcanceling is very destructive,
(09:41):
and this is what people arestuck in when they're dealing
with this.
My husband's not talking to me,the wife is feeling like she
has to do everything, girl power, right, right.
And the husband is feeling likehe's complete and utter failure
.
So why try?
(10:08):
And the chances are he hastried to talk, but it hasn't
worked out well for him because,again, he just does not know
how, and so we have to teach.
And the thing about that is is,if you're the one that's wanting
the discussions, if you're theone that feels like you're the
one fighting for the marriageyou're still trying, then most
likely it's also going to be upto you to understand how to
control your emotions, to beable to communicate those
(10:32):
emotions still under control,and also learn how to
communicate in a truthful,loving but firm way to your
husband.
It's important to takeownership of the position you
find yourself in Now.
(10:52):
That might make some of youvery angry because you're really
wanting him to start takingsome ownership over his side.
I get it, but change is nevermade by expecting someone else
to take the first step.
We have to make sure that we dothe right things.
(11:15):
If we're going to heal ourmarriage, if we're going to heal
the betrayal, if we're going toheal any of this trauma, then
we need to take full and utterresponsibility for healing that
trauma.
That means that we also have totake full and utter
responsibility and ownership forour mind and our emotions.
(11:37):
So we need to learn how tocommunicate, we need to learn
how to control our emotions andwe also need to learn in a big
way especially if you feel likeeverything is falling on you how
to take care of yourself,because having these difficult
(12:00):
conversations definitely need tohappen and they're going to be
taxing and draining on both ofyou.
It's going to be very hard foryou to get in and do these
things when you're alreadystruggling emotionally and if
you're not filling your bucketup.
(12:21):
And if you remember, a coupleweeks ago I had a conversation
with Tara Brown and she talkedabout the analogy of the large
cup filling up the smaller cups.
We cannot give what we do nothave, and if you're feeling
emotionally drained, that is notthe time to have a conversation
.
You need to feel empowered andin order to do that, you also
(12:45):
need to make sure that you aretaking time for your self-care.
Yes, self-care looks likegetting out of the house, taking
yourself to lunch, maybespending a little bit of money
on you that is self-care.
Lunch, maybe spending a littlebit of money on you that is
self-care.
But self-care also looks likeunderstanding your mind, your
own mind.
What are the thoughts that arehappening up there, writing them
(13:10):
down, checking in to see ifthey are true or not true,
making sure that your spiritual,mental, physical and emotional
energies are good, that you'reactually putting time and effort
into each one of those energies.
Spending time with friends notcomplaining about your husband
(13:30):
not complaining actually at all,but simply just being present
with friends.
Being present with yourchildren, being present in your
life.
I love spending time inscripture.
I also love reading from otherpeople that are smarter than me.
I also just love reading ingeneral.
(13:51):
There's some really good booksand some really good authors and
it's just fun.
I love to read for fun.
I also love to step into mygifts and my talents.
I love to write music.
I love to sing.
I love to dance, which, by theway, is a great somatic practice
(14:12):
to do to heal your nervoussystem.
I love to draw.
I love to craft.
I love to paint.
I love to sculpt.
I'm a very creative, I love topaint.
I love to sculpt.
Like I'm a very creative person, I also love to go out and sit
with my chickens.
Let me tell you, guys, they arecathartic little animals.
I love watching my chickens andwatching them follow me around
(14:40):
the yard and having a great timewith my chickens.
It's nice having something elseto care about.
All of these things are actuallyforms of self-care and will
help fill your bucket.
And if you're not sure what itis you do like to do, find out
what you did like to do as a kid.
Most likely you still are goingto love doing the same things.
(15:00):
And if you don't know, you needto get out and start exploring
and trying different things.
Try a paint class, try acooking class, try things.
Then, after you feel likeyou've had your bucket filled,
you can start asking yourselfsome really important questions
about why do I feel the way I do?
(15:21):
Well, because he won't talk tome.
Why do you think he won't?
Why won't he talk to me?
Because he's a stupid moronthat won't listen and he's just
so pathetic and like you can letall these thoughts out on paper
, burn it after right, but youneed to have an outlet.
That is healthy.
(15:42):
Putting it on paper is a veryhealthy outlet.
After you understand thosethings, you can ask yourself
again now those are my thoughtswhat is really going on with him
?
Well, most likely he's avoidingbecause he's afraid.
What is he afraid of?
Being rejected, being abandoned.
(16:03):
Why is he afraid of thosethings?
Probably because of pasttraumas from his childhood, or
maybe a past relationship that'staught him that he is going to
be abandoned and rejected.
How can I communicate what Ineed to him in a way that comes
(16:25):
across as loving but firm, andalso in a way that helps him
understand?
See, men are also very logicalcreatures.
They need things very cut anddry.
Now I have met a few men thattotally do overthink things, but
(16:46):
for the most part they needvery clear, concise
communication and very clear,concise directions so that way
they can help understand thelogic side of things.
Also, another thing men aretaught is to avoid emotions.
(17:06):
Women are too, but especiallywith men.
Men are taught is to avoidemotions.
Women are too, but especiallywith men.
So if a difficult conversationis coming up, there's also
probably some emotions that he'sbeen trying to shut off and
push down for a long time, andso he's not sure how to express
those in a healthy way and in away that makes him still feel
(17:29):
safe.
So one of the things we need todo is be honest with him.
There's two different ways youcan communicate honesty.
You can yell it at him, but allhe's going to do is hear the
yelling.
You can say you stupid fool, Iam so sick of dealing with you.
(17:54):
You never listen to me.
Why won't you ever listen to me?
I am trying to tell you thatthere's a problem and you just
keep blowing me off.
This needs to stop.
I'm out of here, you're notworth it.
But you can say that.
Or you can say something alongthe lines of listen, I'm coming
(18:23):
to you to solve a problem that Iam seeing With the way you just
responded.
It's not helping me feel heardand it's definitely not helping
solve this problem the more wecontinue not talking to each
other, the more resentment isgoing to be built, the more
(18:55):
frustration with each other isgoing to be built, the more
misunderstanding is going to bebuilt and eventually, when a
marriage is built off offrustration, resentment,
misunderstanding and negativefeelings, well, divorce usually
follows.
If you and I cannot communicateas healthy, mature adults, we
are not going to be in a goodplace.
(19:15):
So if you will stop blamingyourself and telling me that
you're a failure and that you'restupid and that you're no good,
or if you will stop not talkingto me and actually have this
discussion with me, then Ipromise I will be respectful, I
(19:40):
will not interrupt you, I willlisten to you and I will respond
with curiosity, kindness, love,patience and understanding.
But I want you to also listenwith curiosity, listen with
(20:06):
respect, respond with respect,respond with respect and try to
understand me as well.
Respond with kindness, love,patience and curiosity.
If we can do that and hold backthe emotions that we're wanting
(20:27):
to express, then I think we canstart working through this
problem.
What do you think?
That was very clear, veryconcise, to the point.
We're outlining what willhappen or what could happen and
what is happening now withoutthe communication and what is
(20:50):
happening now without thecommunication?
This takes some time.
This takes some practice, andthere might also be some times
where you're going to have tosay you know what you and I are
both getting really charged inthis conversation.
Let's both take a break for 30minutes to an hour.
(21:11):
I'm going to go write myfeelings down and I'm going to
journal about them.
If you could possibly do thesame, or talk it out or think it
out or whatever you need to doto get calm again, then we can
try to readdress as wereassemble our thoughts.
Can we meet back together in ahalf hour or an hour?
(21:35):
Okay, so I hope this is helpfulfor you guys.
Most of the time, husbands willcome around and start
communicating, but they also doneed to understand that their
wife is going to be a safe placefor the communication.
If he feels like he cannotspeak, he often won't, and women
(21:59):
are also guilty of doing thesame thing, where, when they
don't feel heard, they shut down.
But when we stop talking, we dofall into patterns of
resentment, and resentment isthere when we fail to understand
our boundaries and how to enactthem by simply stating what
(22:23):
will happen when we do notcommunicate, and what you will
do.
We do not communicate, and whatyou will do, that and what
you're willing to do.
That is how we create abeautiful boundary and it leaves
(22:43):
us feeling far less frustratedwith the other person and with
ourselves.
I hope this is helpful for you.
My loves, if you guys have anyquestions or you would like my
personal help with a situation,feel free to reach out at on
facebook at erin andersonbetrayal trauma coaching.
You can also reach out to me oninstagram, erin anderson trauma
coach.
Um, and also if you guys areinterested in learning how to
(23:08):
coach, come message me.
Let me know that you'reinterested in those things as
well, and we can get you startedin our MSUM Life Coach School
program.
All right, my loves, hit me up,ask me those questions.
If you'd love a free call,reach out with a free call and I
(23:31):
will set up some time with you,and in the meantime, I'll see
you on the other side.
Guys, love, bye.
Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode
of the other side of thestruggle.
Today we are chatting aboutsomething that I get a lot when
it comes to my clients wantingto heal their marriage, and that
is the avoidant husband.
And we know we've talkedalready about narcissist or
(00:21):
avoidant right.
But I think this also issomething that I think needs to
be addressed, because oftentimesconversations are like really
big, important but difficultconversations are being avoided
and women are constantlyfrustrated at their husbands
(00:44):
because he just is not talkingto them and so they'll go into
these conversations and they'lltry and get him to wake up and
listen to me.
I'm trying to tell you what'sgoing on and this is so
frustrating and if we don't fixthis, like everything is going
to go to hell in a handbasketand she's either feeling
(01:07):
dismissed or rejected and whenshe keeps trying to come up with
what is really really importantand scary to her and leaving
the conversation, feeling evenworse because there really
wasn't a conversation thathappened, because he didn't talk
, he just shut down or went intothe blame of I'm the worst
(01:33):
person ever, you should justleave me and avoided the
conversation, and neither one ofthose things is helpful.
Obviously, it doesn't leaveeither person feeling seen,
heard or appreciated.
So what do we do when we getinto these situations with our
(01:54):
spouses or really anyone that isjust avoiding the difficult
conversation?
Well, number one it's reallyimportant that we understand
where these people or yourhusband, whoever it is you're
wanting help with, where they'recoming from and what are they
(02:15):
thinking.
Well, number one communicationhas not been taught well In our
society today.
People do not know how tocommunicate and on top of that
we are using social media tocommunicate things.
We're texting, we're messagingback and forth or we're posting.
(02:38):
We might even get really angryon somebody's post and say
something really nasty and meansomething that we would never
say to somebody's face, becausewe can still be protected behind
the computer.
This has caused some really bigissues in communication in our
society today, but it wasn'treally well done either before
(03:06):
computers even came out.
We've had a really bigmisjudgment and misunderstanding
of opposite genders for a verylong time and so far I've traced
(03:37):
the misunderstanding and thefears and the roles and the
literally the falling apart ofthe masculine and the feminine
energies and understandingsRoughly to about the 30s, the
20s and the 30s, 1920s, 1930s,and I could get into that later.
But what ended up happening iswhen we start to misunderstand,
we also start to miscommunicate,and when we start to
miscommunicate, things are oftenheard wrong.
(03:59):
We're not asking for clarity,wrong, we're not asking for
clarity, we're just gettingemotional and nobody hears
anything.
We're too busy looking for waysto block and parry and respond
(04:20):
and not actually get in and havea discussion.
That might be difficult butnecessary.
We're too busy trying to defendand prove our points and blame,
blame, blame, blame the otherperson, and so we're not.
We're growing up with notreally great examples of
(04:40):
communication.
Examples of communication Now.
For example, I had a clientwhose father he was a good man
(05:01):
and he provided.
He worked hard, he provided forthe family, taught the kids to
speak kindly to their mother,but he never really saw his
father actually have adiscussion with his mom.
His mom ended up feeling quiteneglected by her husband because
he was either at work or off onsome project and never really
taking any focus, time and andeffort on her, and so she was
(05:25):
consistently feeling abandonedand lonely.
Well, when this man got into amarriage, he had similar
problems where he kind ofabandoned his wife and made her
feel lonely.
He didn't really take time tostudy her of abandoned his wife
(05:46):
and made her feel lonely.
He didn't really take time tostudy her, to understand her, to
get to know her.
He just felt like the processwas done after they had been
married and if you want tounderstand more about this, go
listen to my previous podcastand he knew his wife, and so he
came to me wondering like hiswife actually came to me,
(06:07):
wondering why she couldn't havea conversation with him.
Every single time she tried toshare how he, how she, was
feeling, he dismissed it or saidthat was ridiculous, or just
walked away or got angry or noneof the appropriate responses
(06:27):
that she was really hoping foras she tried to express what she
needed.
And so she was beginning tofeel shut down and stopped
talking.
And so, because the two of themweren't talking, other types of
communication started coming upwhen we're not talking to each
(06:47):
other, other types ofcommunication like a simple look
, body language, the coldshoulder, things like that
started happening, and he beganfeeling abandoned in the
marriage too.
See, there's more than one wayto communicate.
(07:08):
There's more than one way toget a point across, and when our
emotions are not beingaddressed and they're being
dismissed.
Well then, we tend to get veryresentful.
So a lot of resentment wasbuilding up in their marriage
and she was to the point ofwanting to divorce.
But he was a good man.
(07:32):
He was trying hard to supporthis family, he was good to the
kids, he wasn't cruel.
He just did not know how tocommunicate, and every single
time she would be coming to himand saying I'm not feeling heard
(07:56):
or seen by you.
He didn't know how to deal withthat and it triggered things
inside of him.
And so I started working withher and um, explaining this
communication thing to her andthat they were still
(08:18):
communicating, but not inhealthy ways, um, and so we
started working out how toactually master our emotions,
take full ownership for ouremotions, and learning ways to
be able to communicate.
(08:38):
And we're going to get intothat in just a minute.
But what this lack ofcommunication has done for men
is it has taught them that theyare a failure and society is not
helping either, because societyis basically telling men, yeah,
(08:58):
you are, we're trying to cancelmen, we're living in a cancel
culture of men, but we're alsoliving in a cancel culture of
women.
Goes back to themisunderstandings and the lack
of respect.
Right, men are being told thatthey're foolish, stupid and
(09:21):
they're not needed, and womenare told we need to be
absolutely perfect and that wecan do as much as a man, if not
better, and that we need to dothe entire life without men.
And this is both sides, bothcanceling is very destructive,
(09:41):
and this is what people arestuck in when they're dealing
with this.
My husband's not talking to me,the wife is feeling like she
has to do everything, girl power, right, right.
And the husband is feeling likehe's complete and utter failure
.
So why try?
(10:08):
And the chances are he hastried to talk, but it hasn't
worked out well for him because,again, he just does not know
how, and so we have to teach.
And the thing about that is is,if you're the one that's wanting
the discussions, if you're theone that feels like you're the
one fighting for the marriageyou're still trying, then most
likely it's also going to be upto you to understand how to
control your emotions, to beable to communicate those
(10:32):
emotions still under control,and also learn how to
communicate in a truthful,loving but firm way to your
husband.
It's important to takeownership of the position you
find yourself in Now.
(10:52):
That might make some of youvery angry because you're really
wanting him to start takingsome ownership over his side.
I get it, but change is nevermade by expecting someone else
to take the first step.
We have to make sure that we dothe right things.
(11:15):
If we're going to heal ourmarriage, if we're going to heal
the betrayal, if we're going toheal any of this trauma, then
we need to take full and utterresponsibility for healing that
trauma.
That means that we also have totake full and utter
responsibility and ownership forour mind and our emotions.
(11:37):
So we need to learn how tocommunicate, we need to learn
how to control our emotions andwe also need to learn in a big
way especially if you feel likeeverything is falling on you how
to take care of yourself,because having these difficult
(12:00):
conversations definitely need tohappen and they're going to be
taxing and draining on both ofyou.
It's going to be very hard foryou to get in and do these
things when you're alreadystruggling emotionally and if
you're not filling your bucketup.
(12:21):
And if you remember, a coupleweeks ago I had a conversation
with Tara Brown and she talkedabout the analogy of the large
cup filling up the smaller cups.
We cannot give what we do nothave, and if you're feeling
emotionally drained, that is notthe time to have a conversation
.
You need to feel empowered andin order to do that, you also
(12:45):
need to make sure that you aretaking time for your self-care.
Yes, self-care looks likegetting out of the house, taking
yourself to lunch, maybespending a little bit of money
on you that is self-care.
Lunch, maybe spending a littlebit of money on you that is
self-care.
But self-care also looks likeunderstanding your mind, your
own mind.
What are the thoughts that arehappening up there, writing them
(13:10):
down, checking in to see ifthey are true or not true,
making sure that your spiritual,mental, physical and emotional
energies are good, that you'reactually putting time and effort
into each one of those energies.
Spending time with friends notcomplaining about your husband
(13:30):
not complaining actually at all,but simply just being present
with friends.
Being present with yourchildren, being present in your
life.
I love spending time inscripture.
I also love reading from otherpeople that are smarter than me.
I also just love reading ingeneral.
(13:51):
There's some really good booksand some really good authors and
it's just fun.
I love to read for fun.
I also love to step into mygifts and my talents.
I love to write music.
I love to sing.
I love to dance, which, by theway, is a great somatic practice
(14:12):
to do to heal your nervoussystem.
I love to draw.
I love to craft.
I love to paint.
I love to sculpt.
I'm a very creative, I love topaint.
I love to sculpt.
Like I'm a very creative person, I also love to go out and sit
with my chickens.
Let me tell you, guys, they arecathartic little animals.
I love watching my chickens andwatching them follow me around
(14:40):
the yard and having a great timewith my chickens.
It's nice having something elseto care about.
All of these things are actuallyforms of self-care and will
help fill your bucket.
And if you're not sure what itis you do like to do, find out
what you did like to do as a kid.
Most likely you still are goingto love doing the same things.
(15:00):
And if you don't know, you needto get out and start exploring
and trying different things.
Try a paint class, try acooking class, try things.
Then, after you feel likeyou've had your bucket filled,
you can start asking yourselfsome really important questions
about why do I feel the way I do?
(15:21):
Well, because he won't talk tome.
Why do you think he won't?
Why won't he talk to me?
Because he's a stupid moronthat won't listen and he's just
so pathetic and like you can letall these thoughts out on paper
, burn it after right, but youneed to have an outlet.
That is healthy.
(15:42):
Putting it on paper is a veryhealthy outlet.
After you understand thosethings, you can ask yourself
again now those are my thoughtswhat is really going on with him
?
Well, most likely he's avoidingbecause he's afraid.
What is he afraid of?
Being rejected, being abandoned.
(16:03):
Why is he afraid of thosethings?
Probably because of pasttraumas from his childhood, or
maybe a past relationship that'staught him that he is going to
be abandoned and rejected.
How can I communicate what Ineed to him in a way that comes
(16:25):
across as loving but firm, andalso in a way that helps him
understand?
See, men are also very logicalcreatures.
They need things very cut anddry.
Now I have met a few men thattotally do overthink things, but
(16:46):
for the most part they needvery clear, concise
communication and very clear,concise directions so that way
they can help understand thelogic side of things.
Also, another thing men aretaught is to avoid emotions.
(17:06):
Women are too, but especiallywith men.
Men are taught is to avoidemotions.
Women are too, but especiallywith men.
So if a difficult conversationis coming up, there's also
probably some emotions that he'sbeen trying to shut off and
push down for a long time, andso he's not sure how to express
those in a healthy way and in away that makes him still feel
(17:29):
safe.
So one of the things we need todo is be honest with him.
There's two different ways youcan communicate honesty.
You can yell it at him, but allhe's going to do is hear the
yelling.
You can say you stupid fool, Iam so sick of dealing with you.
(17:54):
You never listen to me.
Why won't you ever listen to me?
I am trying to tell you thatthere's a problem and you just
keep blowing me off.
This needs to stop.
I'm out of here, you're notworth it.
But you can say that.
Or you can say something alongthe lines of listen, I'm coming
(18:23):
to you to solve a problem that Iam seeing With the way you just
responded.
It's not helping me feel heardand it's definitely not helping
solve this problem the more wecontinue not talking to each
other, the more resentment isgoing to be built, the more
(18:55):
frustration with each other isgoing to be built, the more
misunderstanding is going to bebuilt and eventually, when a
marriage is built off offrustration, resentment,
misunderstanding and negativefeelings, well, divorce usually
follows.
If you and I cannot communicateas healthy, mature adults, we
are not going to be in a goodplace.
(19:15):
So if you will stop blamingyourself and telling me that
you're a failure and that you'restupid and that you're no good,
or if you will stop not talkingto me and actually have this
discussion with me, then Ipromise I will be respectful, I
(19:40):
will not interrupt you, I willlisten to you and I will respond
with curiosity, kindness, love,patience and understanding.
But I want you to also listenwith curiosity, listen with
(20:06):
respect, respond with respect,respond with respect and try to
understand me as well.
Respond with kindness, love,patience and curiosity.
If we can do that and hold backthe emotions that we're wanting
(20:27):
to express, then I think we canstart working through this
problem.
What do you think?
That was very clear, veryconcise, to the point.
We're outlining what willhappen or what could happen and
what is happening now withoutthe communication and what is
(20:50):
happening now without thecommunication?
This takes some time.
This takes some practice, andthere might also be some times
where you're going to have tosay you know what you and I are
both getting really charged inthis conversation.
Let's both take a break for 30minutes to an hour.
(21:11):
I'm going to go write myfeelings down and I'm going to
journal about them.
If you could possibly do thesame, or talk it out or think it
out or whatever you need to doto get calm again, then we can
try to readdress as wereassemble our thoughts.
Can we meet back together in ahalf hour or an hour?
(21:35):
Okay, so I hope this is helpfulfor you guys.
Most of the time, husbands willcome around and start
communicating, but they also doneed to understand that their
wife is going to be a safe placefor the communication.
If he feels like he cannotspeak, he often won't, and women
(21:59):
are also guilty of doing thesame thing, where, when they
don't feel heard, they shut down.
But when we stop talking, we dofall into patterns of
resentment, and resentment isthere when we fail to understand
our boundaries and how to enactthem by simply stating what
(22:23):
will happen when we do notcommunicate, and what you will
do.
We do not communicate, and whatyou will do, that and what
you're willing to do.
That is how we create abeautiful boundary and it leaves
(22:43):
us feeling far less frustratedwith the other person and with
ourselves.
I hope this is helpful for you.
My loves, if you guys have anyquestions or you would like my
personal help with a situation,feel free to reach out at on
facebook at erin andersonbetrayal trauma coaching.
You can also reach out to me oninstagram, erin anderson trauma
coach.
Um, and also if you guys areinterested in learning how to
(23:08):
coach, come message me.
Let me know that you'reinterested in those things as
well, and we can get you startedin our MSUM Life Coach School
program.
All right, my loves, hit me up,ask me those questions.
If you'd love a free call,reach out with a free call and I
(23:31):
will set up some time with you,and in the meantime, I'll see
you on the other side.
Guys, love, bye.
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