June 24, 2024 • 44 mins
How can you rebuild your life after the shattering experience of betrayal? This episode promises to provide answers as we explore the complex journey of healing from betrayal trauma. We start by unpacking the profound nature of unconditional love in its many forms, including universal, friendship, parental, and romantic love. Is love truly unconditional, or do relationships thrive on certain conditions? We'll help you differentiate between genuine love and manipulative behaviors such as love bombing, offering you clarity and tools to reclaim your joy and build healthier connections.
We also share the heart-wrenching yet empowering story of a woman who endured years of infidelity and neglect in her marriage. Her path to self-realization, setting firm boundaries, and embracing self-love stands as a testament to the power of loyalty to oneself. We'll share invaluable insights and guidance on the healing process and emphasize the crucial role of community support. Tune in and empower yourself to reclaim your self-worth and build the fulfilling relationships you deserve.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:29):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
(01:14):
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
Okay, guys, we are talkingabout some really big things
here, and I'm going to tell you.
It started with a conversationthat I have with a good friend
of mine.
He's been on the show a coupleof times, um trevor henniger,
(02:59):
and I'm thinking to myself huh,this is definitely a podcast
episode that needs to be given,because this is something that I
think a lot of people confuse,and I love it when we can shine
truth on situations.
But before we get into that,please go like and subscribe to
(03:28):
my channel.
If you're loving the content onYouTube, or if you're listening
to this podcast, give it a fivestar thumbs up and a review, if
you will.
It's just so.
That way, other women and menmay know if this is the podcast
for them.
(03:48):
They can find some help andsome healing.
And if you really want to takeit to the next level, make sure
you also support the show and doknow that I offer sessions to
people all the time sessions topeople all the time.
(04:10):
So come book a call with me ifyou would like some one-on-one
help with what it is youspecifically are going through
Support the show.
It always helps to be able toproduce more great content for
you, and with that let's goahead and dive in.
So let me tell you a little bitabout this conversation I had
with Trevor.
Okay, he stopped me one day andhe's like I gotta tell you I'm
(04:35):
not sure I agree with you.
Okay, do tell me.
This is interesting.
I'm definitely not saying that.
I have never been wrong before.
So tell me what it is you don'tagree with.
And he goes on to say I'veheard you say many times that
love is unconditional.
(04:57):
And he's like I don't know thatI agree because I feel like
there are certain conditionsthat do need to be met in
relationships.
Hmm, that's a good point, and Italk about that all the time
too.
Right, it does seem like itmight be a contradiction when I
say that love is unconditionaland that conditional love is
(05:21):
manipulation.
I can see where he's comingfrom, and so, as I thought about
this a little bit, I thought tomyself.
You know what this actually is,a concept that I feel like it
needs deeper exploration andexplanation, because it's true.
(05:51):
Relationships are founded onlove and relationships do have
conditions to them.
That being said, someone wholove, love, love, love, love,
(06:11):
love, love, bombs and thenrevokes it when you do something
that they don't like, that isnot love, that is manipulation,
and we're going to get into thedifferences today.
Okay, so first let me talk aboutthe different types of love,
because I do believe that loveis unconditional.
I know there have been many,many wise people saying
(06:36):
something different that love isnot unconditional, that it is
conditional.
Right, I think there are typesof love that are definitely
unconditional, but yourrelationships aren't.
They are not.
(06:57):
They are not unconditional.
They are.
They are conditional Absolutely, and, just like anything that
grows, love does need certainconditions to grow.
There are different types oflove, though.
(07:19):
You have universal love, thelove for the universe, the love
for the way the universe works.
The love for the universe, thelove for the way the universe
works, the love for the energythat flows through all mankind,
the love for individual people.
We can love people just becausethey are a child of God,
absolutely, and that's a type oflove that doesn't really ever
(07:41):
go away.
We also can have friendship.
This is a type of love that isconditional.
Right, friends have to meetcertain conditions in order to
continue the friendship, one ofthem being honesty.
(08:01):
Right, nobody wants to bebetrayed by their friends.
There's parental love.
I know I would also say this isa type of love that is a step
up from the universal love thatis also unconditional.
Um, my children will always bemy children, even though my kids
(08:29):
are definitely not perfect, andneither am I, but pretty close,
we'll just go with that right.
Totally kidding, by the way.
Even though my kids are notperfect, I love them fiercely
Every single day, more and moreand more, but this also prompts
(08:49):
me to be very boundaried withthem.
We're going to get into that injust a second.
There is romantic love.
This is the type of love that aboyfriend and a girlfriend feel
for each other, and itintensifies when we go from
boyfriend and girlfriend tohusband and wife.
This is a very vulnerable typeof love.
(09:13):
As a matter of fact, I wouldsay possibly the most vulnerable
type of love you can get.
Even in a relationship with God, we do not show the same type
of vulnerability that we do withour spouses.
That is why the maritalrelationship is a sexual one.
(09:35):
It holds deep vulnerability andtrust in order to be able to
open up that way with anotherperson.
We don't even have that withGod.
That is with our spouse and ourspouse alone.
Hence the reason why it is alsosuch a special relationship.
We have self-love.
(09:59):
This is a conditional type oflove too.
We would love to think thatit's not but man.
This is the type of love I seemore than anything get broken,
(10:19):
and it's not always necessarilyother people's fault, it's very.
I see it all the time.
When somebody has been betrayed.
In order to feel that love foranother person or in order to
(10:39):
keep the relationship alive,they must do everything.
But in that, but in the courseof doing everything, they
completely and utterly abandonthemselves.
They cannot, you cannot stay ina good relationship with
yourself when you are allowingsomeone else to mistreat you.
The simple allowance of someonemistreating you is a deep
(11:04):
betrayal.
And then we also have the lovefor God.
We revere Him, we love Him.
But this too is a conditionaltype of love.
There are certain conditionsthat we ourselves must meet.
God has already met thoseconditions.
(11:25):
It is actually us that moves,and some people can feel very
offended by God, but it isn'tbecause God didn't show up, it's
because they misunderstand whatGod is, and so those are some
(11:45):
different types of love that aperson might feel for a
relationship in their life right, but, like I said, some of
those are unconditional.
I'm always going to feel thelove for my children.
I'm always going to feel lovejust for people being people.
(12:09):
I want to see people live theirbest lives because they deserve
it.
I want to see my babies liveway better than their best lives
because they deserve it.
However, there are otherconditions that do need to be
met, and if you think of love alittle bit like a fire, right,
(12:36):
you start that fire and the moreyou give it, the bigger it
builds.
Now, some of you might say youcan extinguish a fire.
Right, you're absolutely right,but it still takes a long time
for those glowing embers to diedown if you just let it, if you
(13:00):
don't keep feeding the fire, andlove is very much similar.
We have to feed it, we have togive it space, we have to honor
it, we have to respect it and wehave to nurture it in order for
it to grow.
But I found that when peoplehave a deep self-love and a love
(13:23):
for God, there is a type oflove that becomes unconditional.
And it's really interestingthat these two are conditional
loves, right, but when thoseloves are solid, there is a type
of unconditional love thatcomes across and that might be
(13:43):
you might call it the universallove, you might call it a type
of parental love, even thoughwe're not really being a parent
necessarily to everyone.
But it's just a compassion forother people.
Because you have it foryourself, because you love
(14:04):
yourself and you love God, youjust tend to love other people,
regardless of how they show up.
That is a type of unconditionallove.
That doesn't mean you put upwith it.
That doesn't mean you keepallowing them to do the same
things you're doing.
It doesn't mean you need tostay in this relationship with
(14:25):
them.
It doesn't mean that you needto even live within a five mile
radius.
Doesn't mean any of that.
All it is is just a deepwishing for their best interest,
for their very best.
They themselves will see it.
(14:46):
These are people we tend topray for, simply because we love
them enough to do so.
That is a type of unconditionallove.
But the relationship does haveconditions.
In friendship, well, actuallyeven universal, there's a type
(15:12):
of condition there.
We want to think in abundance,because abundance is love.
If we are denying ourselvesabundance thinking and abundance
in general, well, universallove does actually have the
ability to wane a bit.
Friendship, that one's kind ofeasy.
(15:34):
We still have to trust friendsin order to have a good
relationship with our friends.
If a friend comes up andbetrays us, that is often the
end of a friendship, or at leastit sparks a very, very good
discussion and a hey, friend,you need to do better, right.
(16:03):
Parental love.
Perhaps the reason whyself-love and love for God is so
powerful is because it doeskind of put us into a parental
type of love.
When we love God and we loveourselves, we tap into a type of
love that God himself has andwe begin to see other people the
(16:25):
way he sees them.
But God himself does not evenstick around when he's not
wanted, when the conditionsaren't met, but he does leave
his love there.
He leaves his print in everyspace, because there is no space
(16:47):
that is too dark for God.
Now we cannot love God inmammon, cannot love God and
mammon.
That means that our actionshave to match up to the things
that he has given us so that waywe can move into our highest
(17:10):
and holiest selves, which is abeing that thrives and vibrates
from a love energy.
But when we step into that, wedo take on a portion of the love
he feels for his children, andit's a type of parental love, a
(17:30):
well-wishing for their best.
And we still have to meetconditions with ourselves too.
One of the conditions is wedon't allow ourselves to be
treated less than what wedeserve to be treated.
When we allow that, withoutsetting boundaries, without
(17:51):
stating the truth, withoutstanding up for ourselves, which
can feel very hard, don't getme wrong.
It's hard, especially whenyou're not used to it.
But there's only one or twooptions.
When somebody doesn't show upin our lives the way that they
(18:13):
need to, the only options are,well, actually three options.
One they change.
They change because they loveus and they want to be the very
best version of themselves.
That's the best case.
Scenario Two we leave therelationship Because the person
(18:40):
left the relationship a longtime ago, and I'm going to
explain this to you in just asecond.
But if one and two are not met,then we have to abandon
ourselves and oftentimes this isa place I find a lot of my
clients is in the selfabandonment because they have
trauma bonded to their abuser.
(19:04):
Um, let me explain this alittle bit.
Trauma bonding is a fairmentality.
It is a lack.
It is saying that I'm not surethat there's love out there
enough for me and even thoughthis person is not showing up
(19:25):
very lovingly once in a while,there's been that little glimpse
that catch that goodness and Iwant to stay.
I want to stick around for thatwhen that really comes up to
life.
That's often what people arethinking when they're trauma
bonded, so they tend to stay inunhealthy relationships because,
(19:47):
well, at least I know theystill love me, right?
That's not always the case andin these cases, this is where we
really want to bring out thefive-step thought process right,
where we talk about thecircumstance, the thoughts, the
(20:07):
feelings, the actions and theresults.
Let's just take a look at thecircumstances alone.
A little while ago I had aclient whose husband cheated on
her.
They'd been married for roughlyabout 16 ish years and in that
(20:28):
time frame he had had manymistresses, and every single
time she had to find out aboutit.
She found things that he couldnot refute and he finally, just,
kind of nonchalantly, tell herthe truth.
But don't worry, honey, nowthat you know, I'm gonna go get
(20:57):
this taken care of, I'm gonna goget fixed.
And she would believe himbecause he loves her right.
And so he would show up and hewould have this great act and
this great bravado and he wouldlove-bomb and love-bomb and
love-bomb her, and so she wouldthink that things were changing,
(21:20):
only to find in a couple ofyears later down the road he was
in another sexual relationshipwith another woman.
He had also abandoned herfinancially.
He would tell her that he wasgoing to help her pay for the
bills, but she ended up payingfor it all herself, without any
(21:45):
contribution from him, and shehad no idea where his money was
going, even though he had a goodjob.
There were times where she wassick or ill, or there was even
times she was hospitalized andhe was out having an affair with
(22:09):
women, with other women duringthose times.
Those were the circumstances.
He was not faithful to herphysically.
He was not faithful to herfinancially.
He did not provide containmentfor her to thrive.
(22:32):
He did not provide protection.
He didn't provide anything forher.
It was her doing all theproviding and him living off of
her as a leech as an energeticleech and as a physical leech in
some sense too.
(22:52):
She was supporting him while hewas breaking the marriage
covenants and vows and her heart.
The circumstances weren't good,but she told me I still love
(23:14):
him, I don't want to leave him.
She was trauma, bonded verymuch to this man because he
would love Bomber and so shewould think he obviously has to
love me.
He does love me.
(23:35):
Yet he was cheating on herconsistently, didn't get help
(23:55):
for it said he would, making herpay all the bills.
Well, he did nothing.
And the sweet, sweet woman itwas so obvious that she was
exhausted.
What I found really interestingabout this person is that she
had abandoned herself again.
If we're going to stay in thattype of a relationship, we
(24:20):
cannot stay in that type ofrelationship without abandoning
ourselves completely.
It's not possible, becausewe're not being loyal to
ourselves.
We're being loyal to someonewho is not returning it.
There was no loyalty for her inthat relationship at all.
(24:47):
That was just another one ofthe facts, and that caused her
to really have to ask herselfwell, what do.
I really think she hadn't wantedto actually admit to herself
(25:11):
what she thought, because sheknew what that would mean.
She knew that she would have to, at some at least, set some
really, really decent boundaries, but most likely it was going
to mean the end of therelationship, because in order
(25:35):
to be loyal to someone who hasbeen disloyal to you, you must
abandon yourself, just as theyhave done.
And when she started to realizethat he had left the marriage a
long time ago and that she wasdesperately trying to hold on
for hope of a better future withhim, even though he was
(25:57):
communicating very strongly thatit was not him that she could
rely on for that, the more sheheld tight to that, the less
time she had for self-care,because she had abandoned
(26:18):
herself.
She had filled her schedulewith all kinds of things working
nonstop to meet the bills,working nonstop to make sure her
kids got everything that theyneeded, working non-stop,
working non-stop, workingnon-stop and coming home to more
(26:49):
need from her and more betrayal.
And it was a really more needfrom her and more betrayal.
And it was a really hardreality for her to realize that
she had also abandoned herself.
And even though her husband'sactions were horrible.
The thing that she was reallystruggling with was her own
(27:11):
self-betrayal.
The thing that she was reallystruggling with was her own
self-betrayal.
It was the thing that wasreally the most painful thing,
because she felt in her words Ifeel like I've been torn in two.
There's a reason for that.
(27:33):
So she did end up leaving themarriage.
She ended up setting someboundaries with herself, and
that boundary was it doesn'tmatter what he does, I'm not
going to leave my relationshipwith me.
I deserve to be loved thatdeeply.
(27:55):
So she began to start givingherself her own self-love and
began realizing why she's worthso much more than what she's got
.
She gained a deep appreciationfor herself and from that also
gained some great boundarieswith him, telling him things
(28:23):
like if this is going tocontinue, then there, I see no
point in this marriage.
As you can see, she followedthrough with that.
Then, there, I see no point inthis marriage.
As you can see, she followedthrough with that.
Another one of her boundariesthat she had set was I'm not
going to lie to him anymoreMeaning she was going to tell
(28:46):
him exactly what she thought.
She didn't have to be mean, shedidn't have to yell and scream
at him.
She was not going to mix words,she was not going to make it
soft for him.
She told him exactly what shethought, every single time.
(29:09):
She wasn't mean.
She didn't call him names, shestuck to the actions and how
unimpressed she was.
He tried to put it back on her.
She set another boundary of no,his stuff does not get to be
(29:34):
littering my energy, it does notneed to litter my boundaries,
it does not need to litter mylife.
And so she simply would learnto say that's an interesting
story you're telling yourselfthere, but I'm not the one that
(30:01):
cheated on you, I'm not the onewho did this, I'm not the one
who put us in this situation.
I think there's something youneed to do differently.
And finally, she realized thatthe most loving thing because,
remember, boundaries are lovingthings she realized the most
(30:29):
loving thing she could do forthe both of them was to divorce.
And the reason being wasbecause he had left again the
marriage a long time ago.
If he's not being honest in themarriage, if he's not being
loyal in the marriage, if he'snot meeting the requirements and
(30:50):
the conditions of the maritalrelationship, then he's
legitimately saying he does notwant to be married.
He wants her to provide for him, but he does not want to be
(31:13):
married and she doesn't want tobe married to something like
that.
And so she said yes to both ofthem in the divorce, giving
herself a better future and himthe freedom that he wanted in
(31:35):
the first place In the divorce,giving herself a better future
and him the freedom that hewanted in the first place.
See the way she was able tobreak the trauma bond.
Is she stopped avoiding thetruth?
The truth was really painful.
It was really painful at thebeginning.
(31:57):
I watched her cry quite a bitOftentimes.
I'd have a couple of differentsessions with her as she just
sobbed.
How could this really happen?
How can I have found myself inthis situation again?
I feel so stupid to have fallenfor it again, but we as human
(32:24):
beings want to be loved.
We want to be loved.
We beg for love Because love isa need.
When she realized that she couldgive herself love and that God
had love for her too, that puther out of alignment with
(32:46):
herself, that stopped her frombeing out of alignment with
herself and put her back inalignment with who she really
was, and that has attracted many, many more great and wonderful.
(33:13):
Sure that she had time in therefor herself and her family.
And all of a sudden she hadmore energy, her health was
better, her finances were waybetter, she was earning, I think
, like an extra $3,000 or $4,000a month just because she had
(33:34):
freed that up, that energy.
And I see it all the time Ifyou are trauma, bonded with
someone else, you too have toabandon yourself, and that's
part of the reason why betrayalis so hard.
So, yes, love, true love, isunconditional, the love of God
(34:04):
and the love for self.
But if we do not have a deeprespect for ourselves, so much
so that we refuse to have anyoneelse treat us better like less
than what we deserve, let's saythat less than what we deserve
(34:26):
when we do not have a solidrelationship with God, love is
conditional.
Love does feel somewhatmanipulative.
Relationships are notconditional, and, and when
(34:56):
somebody manipulates you, theygive you what you want a little
bit, a little bit.
It gives you a little taste,just to keep you right where
they want you, and then they ripthat away from you when you say
just the wrong thing or do justthe wrong thing, just so they
(35:17):
can keep you right in line.
That's not love, that ismanipulation, and that is what a
lot of people do, unfortunately, to other people, because
they're not thinking aboutwhat's best for you.
So again, love is unconditional.
(35:42):
Relationships aren't A reallove.
Love from God is unconditional,but your relationships aren't.
And if you're ready to stepinto a feeling of abundance and
a feeling of love, then please,if you find yourself in this
(36:10):
type of situation where you aretrauma bonded to someone else,
give yourself permission to putall other relationships aside
and really, really, really honein on the relationship you have
(36:30):
with God and let him teach youthe truth about yourself and
don't accept anything less Thanwhat his child deserves.
(36:55):
All right, my loves.
I hope you have a fabulous week.
Thank you so much for tuning inAgain.
Go give the show a like and asubscribe, go give it a five
star review and feel free tosupport the show as well.
Share it with your friends.
If you know somebody that canbenefit from what we talk about,
(37:16):
or if you have questionsyourself, please send them in.
You may email my team aterinandersonthetraumacoach at
gmailcom.
If you have any questions you'dlike me to answer on this
podcast, feel free to also booka call support the show
(37:40):
financially so we can create.
Get more great content out toyou and in the meantime, my
loves from my heart to yourheart, I'll see you on the other
side.
Bye.
Meantime, my loves from myheart to your heart, I'll see
you on the other side.
Bye.
(38:01):
Okay, so I've got a question foryou.
Have you joined my freefacebook group or Instagram page
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If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
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(38:22):
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Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(38:46):
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(39:09):
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(39:32):
talking and offering some great
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:29):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
(01:14):
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
Okay, guys, we are talkingabout some really big things
here, and I'm going to tell you.
It started with a conversationthat I have with a good friend
of mine.
He's been on the show a coupleof times, um trevor henniger,
(02:59):
and I'm thinking to myself huh,this is definitely a podcast
episode that needs to be given,because this is something that I
think a lot of people confuse,and I love it when we can shine
truth on situations.
But before we get into that,please go like and subscribe to
(03:28):
my channel.
If you're loving the content onYouTube, or if you're listening
to this podcast, give it a fivestar thumbs up and a review, if
you will.
It's just so.
That way, other women and menmay know if this is the podcast
for them.
(03:48):
They can find some help andsome healing.
And if you really want to takeit to the next level, make sure
you also support the show and doknow that I offer sessions to
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(04:10):
So come book a call with me ifyou would like some one-on-one
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Support the show.
It always helps to be able toproduce more great content for
you, and with that let's goahead and dive in.
So let me tell you a little bitabout this conversation I had
with Trevor.
Okay, he stopped me one day andhe's like I gotta tell you I'm
(04:35):
not sure I agree with you.
Okay, do tell me.
This is interesting.
I'm definitely not saying that.
I have never been wrong before.
So tell me what it is you don'tagree with.
And he goes on to say I'veheard you say many times that
love is unconditional.
(04:57):
And he's like I don't know thatI agree because I feel like
there are certain conditionsthat do need to be met in
relationships.
Hmm, that's a good point, and Italk about that all the time
too.
Right, it does seem like itmight be a contradiction when I
say that love is unconditionaland that conditional love is
(05:21):
manipulation.
I can see where he's comingfrom, and so, as I thought about
this a little bit, I thought tomyself.
You know what this actually is,a concept that I feel like it
needs deeper exploration andexplanation, because it's true.
(05:51):
Relationships are founded onlove and relationships do have
conditions to them.
That being said, someone wholove, love, love, love, love,
(06:11):
love, love, bombs and thenrevokes it when you do something
that they don't like, that isnot love, that is manipulation,
and we're going to get into thedifferences today.
Okay, so first let me talk aboutthe different types of love,
because I do believe that loveis unconditional.
I know there have been many,many wise people saying
(06:36):
something different that love isnot unconditional, that it is
conditional.
Right, I think there are typesof love that are definitely
unconditional, but yourrelationships aren't.
They are not.
(06:57):
They are not unconditional.
They are.
They are conditional Absolutely, and, just like anything that
grows, love does need certainconditions to grow.
There are different types oflove, though.
(07:19):
You have universal love, thelove for the universe, the love
for the way the universe works.
The love for the universe, thelove for the way the universe
works, the love for the energythat flows through all mankind,
the love for individual people.
We can love people just becausethey are a child of God,
absolutely, and that's a type oflove that doesn't really ever
(07:41):
go away.
We also can have friendship.
This is a type of love that isconditional.
Right, friends have to meetcertain conditions in order to
continue the friendship, one ofthem being honesty.
(08:01):
Right, nobody wants to bebetrayed by their friends.
There's parental love.
I know I would also say this isa type of love that is a step
up from the universal love thatis also unconditional.
Um, my children will always bemy children, even though my kids
(08:29):
are definitely not perfect, andneither am I, but pretty close,
we'll just go with that right.
Totally kidding, by the way.
Even though my kids are notperfect, I love them fiercely
Every single day, more and moreand more, but this also prompts
(08:49):
me to be very boundaried withthem.
We're going to get into that injust a second.
There is romantic love.
This is the type of love that aboyfriend and a girlfriend feel
for each other, and itintensifies when we go from
boyfriend and girlfriend tohusband and wife.
This is a very vulnerable typeof love.
(09:13):
As a matter of fact, I wouldsay possibly the most vulnerable
type of love you can get.
Even in a relationship with God, we do not show the same type
of vulnerability that we do withour spouses.
That is why the maritalrelationship is a sexual one.
(09:35):
It holds deep vulnerability andtrust in order to be able to
open up that way with anotherperson.
We don't even have that withGod.
That is with our spouse and ourspouse alone.
Hence the reason why it is alsosuch a special relationship.
We have self-love.
(09:59):
This is a conditional type oflove too.
We would love to think thatit's not but man.
This is the type of love I seemore than anything get broken,
(10:19):
and it's not always necessarilyother people's fault, it's very.
I see it all the time.
When somebody has been betrayed.
In order to feel that love foranother person or in order to
(10:39):
keep the relationship alive,they must do everything.
But in that, but in the courseof doing everything, they
completely and utterly abandonthemselves.
They cannot, you cannot stay ina good relationship with
yourself when you are allowingsomeone else to mistreat you.
The simple allowance of someonemistreating you is a deep
(11:04):
betrayal.
And then we also have the lovefor God.
We revere Him, we love Him.
But this too is a conditionaltype of love.
There are certain conditionsthat we ourselves must meet.
God has already met thoseconditions.
(11:25):
It is actually us that moves,and some people can feel very
offended by God, but it isn'tbecause God didn't show up, it's
because they misunderstand whatGod is, and so those are some
(11:45):
different types of love that aperson might feel for a
relationship in their life right, but, like I said, some of
those are unconditional.
I'm always going to feel thelove for my children.
I'm always going to feel lovejust for people being people.
(12:09):
I want to see people live theirbest lives because they deserve
it.
I want to see my babies liveway better than their best lives
because they deserve it.
However, there are otherconditions that do need to be
met, and if you think of love alittle bit like a fire, right,
(12:36):
you start that fire and the moreyou give it, the bigger it
builds.
Now, some of you might say youcan extinguish a fire.
Right, you're absolutely right,but it still takes a long time
for those glowing embers to diedown if you just let it, if you
(13:00):
don't keep feeding the fire, andlove is very much similar.
We have to feed it, we have togive it space, we have to honor
it, we have to respect it and wehave to nurture it in order for
it to grow.
But I found that when peoplehave a deep self-love and a love
(13:23):
for God, there is a type oflove that becomes unconditional.
And it's really interestingthat these two are conditional
loves, right, but when thoseloves are solid, there is a type
of unconditional love thatcomes across and that might be
(13:43):
you might call it the universallove, you might call it a type
of parental love, even thoughwe're not really being a parent
necessarily to everyone.
But it's just a compassion forother people.
Because you have it foryourself, because you love
(14:04):
yourself and you love God, youjust tend to love other people,
regardless of how they show up.
That is a type of unconditionallove.
That doesn't mean you put upwith it.
That doesn't mean you keepallowing them to do the same
things you're doing.
It doesn't mean you need tostay in this relationship with
(14:25):
them.
It doesn't mean that you needto even live within a five mile
radius.
Doesn't mean any of that.
All it is is just a deepwishing for their best interest,
for their very best.
They themselves will see it.
(14:46):
These are people we tend topray for, simply because we love
them enough to do so.
That is a type of unconditionallove.
But the relationship does haveconditions.
In friendship, well, actuallyeven universal, there's a type
(15:12):
of condition there.
We want to think in abundance,because abundance is love.
If we are denying ourselvesabundance thinking and abundance
in general, well, universallove does actually have the
ability to wane a bit.
Friendship, that one's kind ofeasy.
(15:34):
We still have to trust friendsin order to have a good
relationship with our friends.
If a friend comes up andbetrays us, that is often the
end of a friendship, or at leastit sparks a very, very good
discussion and a hey, friend,you need to do better, right.
(16:03):
Parental love.
Perhaps the reason whyself-love and love for God is so
powerful is because it doeskind of put us into a parental
type of love.
When we love God and we loveourselves, we tap into a type of
love that God himself has andwe begin to see other people the
(16:25):
way he sees them.
But God himself does not evenstick around when he's not
wanted, when the conditionsaren't met, but he does leave
his love there.
He leaves his print in everyspace, because there is no space
(16:47):
that is too dark for God.
Now we cannot love God inmammon, cannot love God and
mammon.
That means that our actionshave to match up to the things
that he has given us so that waywe can move into our highest
(17:10):
and holiest selves, which is abeing that thrives and vibrates
from a love energy.
But when we step into that, wedo take on a portion of the love
he feels for his children, andit's a type of parental love, a
(17:30):
well-wishing for their best.
And we still have to meetconditions with ourselves too.
One of the conditions is wedon't allow ourselves to be
treated less than what wedeserve to be treated.
When we allow that, withoutsetting boundaries, without
(17:51):
stating the truth, withoutstanding up for ourselves, which
can feel very hard, don't getme wrong.
It's hard, especially whenyou're not used to it.
But there's only one or twooptions.
When somebody doesn't show upin our lives the way that they
(18:13):
need to, the only options are,well, actually three options.
One they change.
They change because they loveus and they want to be the very
best version of themselves.
That's the best case.
Scenario Two we leave therelationship Because the person
(18:40):
left the relationship a longtime ago, and I'm going to
explain this to you in just asecond.
But if one and two are not met,then we have to abandon
ourselves and oftentimes this isa place I find a lot of my
clients is in the selfabandonment because they have
trauma bonded to their abuser.
(19:04):
Um, let me explain this alittle bit.
Trauma bonding is a fairmentality.
It is a lack.
It is saying that I'm not surethat there's love out there
enough for me and even thoughthis person is not showing up
(19:25):
very lovingly once in a while,there's been that little glimpse
that catch that goodness and Iwant to stay.
I want to stick around for thatwhen that really comes up to
life.
That's often what people arethinking when they're trauma
bonded, so they tend to stay inunhealthy relationships because,
(19:47):
well, at least I know theystill love me, right?
That's not always the case andin these cases, this is where we
really want to bring out thefive-step thought process right,
where we talk about thecircumstance, the thoughts, the
(20:07):
feelings, the actions and theresults.
Let's just take a look at thecircumstances alone.
A little while ago I had aclient whose husband cheated on
her.
They'd been married for roughlyabout 16 ish years and in that
(20:28):
time frame he had had manymistresses, and every single
time she had to find out aboutit.
She found things that he couldnot refute and he finally, just,
kind of nonchalantly, tell herthe truth.
But don't worry, honey, nowthat you know, I'm gonna go get
(20:57):
this taken care of, I'm gonna goget fixed.
And she would believe himbecause he loves her right.
And so he would show up and hewould have this great act and
this great bravado and he wouldlove-bomb and love-bomb and
love-bomb her, and so she wouldthink that things were changing,
(21:20):
only to find in a couple ofyears later down the road he was
in another sexual relationshipwith another woman.
He had also abandoned herfinancially.
He would tell her that he wasgoing to help her pay for the
bills, but she ended up payingfor it all herself, without any
(21:45):
contribution from him, and shehad no idea where his money was
going, even though he had a goodjob.
There were times where she wassick or ill, or there was even
times she was hospitalized andhe was out having an affair with
(22:09):
women, with other women duringthose times.
Those were the circumstances.
He was not faithful to herphysically.
He was not faithful to herfinancially.
He did not provide containmentfor her to thrive.
(22:32):
He did not provide protection.
He didn't provide anything forher.
It was her doing all theproviding and him living off of
her as a leech as an energeticleech and as a physical leech in
some sense too.
(22:52):
She was supporting him while hewas breaking the marriage
covenants and vows and her heart.
The circumstances weren't good,but she told me I still love
(23:14):
him, I don't want to leave him.
She was trauma, bonded verymuch to this man because he
would love Bomber and so shewould think he obviously has to
love me.
He does love me.
(23:35):
Yet he was cheating on herconsistently, didn't get help
(23:55):
for it said he would, making herpay all the bills.
Well, he did nothing.
And the sweet, sweet woman itwas so obvious that she was
exhausted.
What I found really interestingabout this person is that she
had abandoned herself again.
If we're going to stay in thattype of a relationship, we
(24:20):
cannot stay in that type ofrelationship without abandoning
ourselves completely.
It's not possible, becausewe're not being loyal to
ourselves.
We're being loyal to someonewho is not returning it.
There was no loyalty for her inthat relationship at all.
(24:47):
That was just another one ofthe facts, and that caused her
to really have to ask herselfwell, what do.
I really think she hadn't wantedto actually admit to herself
(25:11):
what she thought, because sheknew what that would mean.
She knew that she would have to, at some at least, set some
really, really decent boundaries, but most likely it was going
to mean the end of therelationship, because in order
(25:35):
to be loyal to someone who hasbeen disloyal to you, you must
abandon yourself, just as theyhave done.
And when she started to realizethat he had left the marriage a
long time ago and that she wasdesperately trying to hold on
for hope of a better future withhim, even though he was
(25:57):
communicating very strongly thatit was not him that she could
rely on for that, the more sheheld tight to that, the less
time she had for self-care,because she had abandoned
(26:18):
herself.
She had filled her schedulewith all kinds of things working
nonstop to meet the bills,working nonstop to make sure her
kids got everything that theyneeded, working non-stop,
working non-stop, workingnon-stop and coming home to more
(26:49):
need from her and more betrayal.
And it was a really more needfrom her and more betrayal.
And it was a really hardreality for her to realize that
she had also abandoned herself.
And even though her husband'sactions were horrible.
The thing that she was reallystruggling with was her own
(27:11):
self-betrayal.
The thing that she was reallystruggling with was her own
self-betrayal.
It was the thing that wasreally the most painful thing,
because she felt in her words Ifeel like I've been torn in two.
There's a reason for that.
(27:33):
So she did end up leaving themarriage.
She ended up setting someboundaries with herself, and
that boundary was it doesn'tmatter what he does, I'm not
going to leave my relationshipwith me.
I deserve to be loved thatdeeply.
(27:55):
So she began to start givingherself her own self-love and
began realizing why she's worthso much more than what she's got
.
She gained a deep appreciationfor herself and from that also
gained some great boundarieswith him, telling him things
(28:23):
like if this is going tocontinue, then there, I see no
point in this marriage.
As you can see, she followedthrough with that.
Then, there, I see no point inthis marriage.
As you can see, she followedthrough with that.
Another one of her boundariesthat she had set was I'm not
going to lie to him anymoreMeaning she was going to tell
(28:46):
him exactly what she thought.
She didn't have to be mean, shedidn't have to yell and scream
at him.
She was not going to mix words,she was not going to make it
soft for him.
She told him exactly what shethought, every single time.
(29:09):
She wasn't mean.
She didn't call him names, shestuck to the actions and how
unimpressed she was.
He tried to put it back on her.
She set another boundary of no,his stuff does not get to be
(29:34):
littering my energy, it does notneed to litter my boundaries,
it does not need to litter mylife.
And so she simply would learnto say that's an interesting
story you're telling yourselfthere, but I'm not the one that
(30:01):
cheated on you, I'm not the onewho did this, I'm not the one
who put us in this situation.
I think there's something youneed to do differently.
And finally, she realized thatthe most loving thing because,
remember, boundaries are lovingthings she realized the most
(30:29):
loving thing she could do forthe both of them was to divorce.
And the reason being wasbecause he had left again the
marriage a long time ago.
If he's not being honest in themarriage, if he's not being
loyal in the marriage, if he'snot meeting the requirements and
(30:50):
the conditions of the maritalrelationship, then he's
legitimately saying he does notwant to be married.
He wants her to provide for him, but he does not want to be
(31:13):
married and she doesn't want tobe married to something like
that.
And so she said yes to both ofthem in the divorce, giving
herself a better future and himthe freedom that he wanted in
(31:35):
the first place In the divorce,giving herself a better future
and him the freedom that hewanted in the first place.
See the way she was able tobreak the trauma bond.
Is she stopped avoiding thetruth?
The truth was really painful.
It was really painful at thebeginning.
(31:57):
I watched her cry quite a bitOftentimes.
I'd have a couple of differentsessions with her as she just
sobbed.
How could this really happen?
How can I have found myself inthis situation again?
I feel so stupid to have fallenfor it again, but we as human
(32:24):
beings want to be loved.
We want to be loved.
We beg for love Because love isa need.
When she realized that she couldgive herself love and that God
had love for her too, that puther out of alignment with
(32:46):
herself, that stopped her frombeing out of alignment with
herself and put her back inalignment with who she really
was, and that has attracted many, many more great and wonderful.
(33:13):
Sure that she had time in therefor herself and her family.
And all of a sudden she hadmore energy, her health was
better, her finances were waybetter, she was earning, I think
, like an extra $3,000 or $4,000a month just because she had
(33:34):
freed that up, that energy.
And I see it all the time Ifyou are trauma, bonded with
someone else, you too have toabandon yourself, and that's
part of the reason why betrayalis so hard.
So, yes, love, true love, isunconditional, the love of God
(34:04):
and the love for self.
But if we do not have a deeprespect for ourselves, so much
so that we refuse to have anyoneelse treat us better like less
than what we deserve, let's saythat less than what we deserve
(34:26):
when we do not have a solidrelationship with God, love is
conditional.
Love does feel somewhatmanipulative.
Relationships are notconditional, and, and when
(34:56):
somebody manipulates you, theygive you what you want a little
bit, a little bit.
It gives you a little taste,just to keep you right where
they want you, and then they ripthat away from you when you say
just the wrong thing or do justthe wrong thing, just so they
(35:17):
can keep you right in line.
That's not love, that ismanipulation, and that is what a
lot of people do, unfortunately, to other people, because
they're not thinking aboutwhat's best for you.
So again, love is unconditional.
(35:42):
Relationships aren't A reallove.
Love from God is unconditional,but your relationships aren't.
And if you're ready to stepinto a feeling of abundance and
a feeling of love, then please,if you find yourself in this
(36:10):
type of situation where you aretrauma bonded to someone else,
give yourself permission to putall other relationships aside
and really, really, really honein on the relationship you have
(36:30):
with God and let him teach youthe truth about yourself and
don't accept anything less Thanwhat his child deserves.
(36:55):
All right, my loves.
I hope you have a fabulous week.
Thank you so much for tuning inAgain.
Go give the show a like and asubscribe, go give it a five
star review and feel free tosupport the show as well.
Share it with your friends.
If you know somebody that canbenefit from what we talk about,
(37:16):
or if you have questionsyourself, please send them in.
You may email my team aterinandersonthetraumacoach at
gmailcom.
If you have any questions you'dlike me to answer on this
podcast, feel free to also booka call support the show
(37:40):
financially so we can create.
Get more great content out toyou and in the meantime, my
loves from my heart to yourheart, I'll see you on the other
side.
Bye.
Meantime, my loves from myheart to your heart, I'll see
you on the other side.
Bye.
(38:01):
Okay, so I've got a question foryou.
Have you joined my freefacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
(38:22):
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook, gojoin my group.
The Other Side of the StruggleHealing from Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(38:46):
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience and Ilove connecting with you there.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
(39:09):
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group.
Go connect with the ladies thatare there.
Um, also come and join immuneand unashamed uh for those
married couples that arefollowing me, because in that
group, me and my businesspartner kyson kid are also
(39:32):
talking and offering some great
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