May 20, 2024 • 33 mins
Ever find yourself puzzled by the intricate dance of human personalities, particularly when it comes to spotting a narcissist or understanding someone with avoidant traits? Our latest episode peels back the layers of these complex behaviors, guiding you to discern between the two and highlighting why firsthand experience trumps hearsay in shaping your perceptions. As we unravel the attributes of narcissism, from an inflated sense of self to the cunning use of gaslighting, we also caution against the pitfalls of mislabeling, which can lead to misunderstandings in our relationships. Lean in as we navigate the subtleties of these personality traits, armed with insights that will empower you to trust your judgment and see beyond the surface of social interactions.
Embarking on a journey of self-discovery can often feel like navigating a maze without a map. This episode offers a compass in the form of self-love, illuminating the path to healthier relationships starting with the one you have with yourself. Celebrate the transformative effects of setting personal boundaries, boosting self-esteem, and nurturing supportive partnerships. Whether you're seeking to become your own ally or to form lasting connections, our conversation serves as a guiding light. And for those listeners eager to take the next step, we extend our hand with an invitation to a free call for guidance—because fostering meaningful relationships begins with a solid foundation of self-love.
Embarking on a journey of self-discovery can often feel like navigating a maze without a map. This episode offers a compass in the form of self-love, illuminating the path to healthier relationships starting with the one you have with yourself. Celebrate the transformative effects of setting personal boundaries, boosting self-esteem, and nurturing supportive partnerships. Whether you're seeking to become your own ally or to form lasting connections, our conversation serves as a guiding light. And for those listeners eager to take the next step, we extend our hand with an invitation to a free call for guidance—because fostering meaningful relationships begins with a solid foundation of self-love.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the
Other Side of the Struggle.
Today we're getting into thedifference between a narcissist
and an avoidant.
Now, one thing I really do wantto make very clear, though,
before I get into this, is Idon't love giving labels to
people.
One thing that I'm hearingconsistently is he's a
(00:24):
narcissist, he's a narcissist,he's a narcissist, he's a
narcissist, or she's anarcissist, or she's a
narcissist, narcissist,narcissist, narcissist.
And guys, let's like, cool thejets on the narcissism.
We can say we don't trust them.
We can say they don't havehealthy behaviors in
relationships.
(00:44):
We can call out thecircumstance.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But just labeling somebodysomething doesn't always make it
true.
But I do think it behoves uswell to see the differences
(01:06):
between the two, and there aremajor differences, because some
people out there truly arenarcissistic, but some people
out there are avoidant.
Now they have very similartendencies and very similar
actions, and sometimes it's veryhard to tell the difference.
(01:27):
But there is one majordifference between the two of
them, and I'll explain that injust a minute.
So let's dive into this.
First of all, let's talk aboutwhy I think so many people are
(01:47):
labeling people as narcissists.
Labels give us the ability tounderstand people better, at
least to our mind.
It gives us something that wecan trust, and I think
especially in women.
I know for myself I have had alot of friends, especially when
(02:16):
I was in the dating field, whowould talk to me about a guy
that had asked me out or a guythat I was considering dating,
and they often had labels forthis guy Narcissist, avoidant,
(02:37):
layer, or maybe he was ambitious, maybe he was a nice guy, maybe
he was the guy that everybodywanted.
There was always some type oflabel and it gave me and I think
(03:03):
it does this a lot of times forother women too a sense of what
to trust and what not to trustbecause of somebody else's
experiences.
But sometimes those experiencesare so late because the guy
didn't like the girl and shetook offense at that.
(03:27):
And so what does she do?
She tries to also sell hisreputation with other girls.
Labels are also comforting tous, not only because it gives us
a sense of what to trust, but asense of familiarity with a
(03:49):
person, an ability to understandthem, and we feel like if we
have the ability to understandthem, then we'll also understand
what to do with them, but thisis not always the case either,
(04:11):
and a lot of the times again itcomes down to everybody has
their own filter, similar to thegirl who was rejected by the
guy who was rejected by the guy,and so she decided To become
vindictive and turn every girlshe could think of against him.
Everybody has a filter.
(04:36):
What they may perceive as badCan also simply just be
something different that personprotecting themselves, or maybe
that person's not interested, ormaybe, like there's so many
(05:00):
maybes in the air, so manymaybes in the air, so labels
aren't necessarily good.
However, circumstances do make adifference.
Perhaps he's forgotten manydates with you, or perhaps he's
(05:26):
not taking you on dates like heneeds to be, should you be
married.
Perhaps he's not wise withfinances because he's always so
worried about paying off debt oralways getting into debt.
Both of them can be very bad.
Maybe he's left you to figureout all of the problems because
(05:47):
it's just too much for him.
Or maybe you're consistentlyfeeling like the bad guy and
like the crazy one.
These can all be circumstances.
Maybe he's consistently tellingyou that it's your fault.
Maybe he's just consistentlychecked out.
(06:08):
These are circumstances, and Ithink it's really important that
we avoid labels and insteadtrust our own experiences with
people, because we're the onesthat are considering a
relationship with him.
We do need to be the ones.
(06:29):
I think it is a good idea tolisten to the experiences of
other people, because if you'reconsistently being told by
several people that he'sdangerous, you may need to
listen to that and be watchful,but you are the one that is
(06:52):
considering the relationship.
You are the one that isconsidering doing anything with
this person, connecting in someway.
Therefore, you are the onewhose opinion matters the most,
not everyone else's, and this iswhy, again, labels aren't
(07:12):
always good.
But now that I've said thatpiece, let's talk about what a
narcissist is.
A narcissist, by definition, issomeone who loves themselves
and themselves alone.
Now, that's not always true.
I kind of think that this, likeI, get where they're going with
(07:38):
this narcissist.
In greek, uh, enrollment.
Was it Greek or Roman theology,I can't remember, but as one of
those two, he was someone whowas absolutely beautiful.
People consistently fell inlove with him, and it wasn't
(07:58):
until he saw his own reflectionthat he looked and that he could
not move.
He immediately fell in lovewith himself, um, and would not
leave the water or hisreflection, and so he just died
there, right, kind of aninteresting story.
(08:20):
Talk about dying on a heel.
But narcissists are really intoa lot of self preservation and
but the problem is they take itto a whole new extreme.
(08:41):
Everybody else has to be theproblem, everybody else is wrong
, everybody else is showing upinappropriately, but they
themselves do nothing wrong.
That is one characteristic of anarcissist, but it's also a
characteristic of the avoidant.
(09:02):
They often deflect what theyare doing On to someone else and
often times those are thepeople that are closest to them,
aka you.
Now Another thing about anarcissist Sometimes they're
(09:22):
just freaking, not nice.
They get you, they try to getinto your head and gaslight you
and get you to believe all ofthese things that you know are
not true.
Your experience is verydifferent, but they try to get
you to disbelieve it.
(09:43):
They play mind games Because,again, nothing can get in and
break their self-preservation.
They avoid truth, they lie.
They have to be the mostinteresting and the most
(10:07):
important person in the room.
They are constantly going to bethe ones that look like the
good guy.
But one of the biggest thingsthat narcissists do is they lack
empathy.
They lack the ability toemotionally, spiritually and
(10:29):
mentally connect with otherpeople because they have an
inflated sense of entitlementand ego.
This, these are things thatboth the narcissist and the
avoidant do, and so oftentimesit's very hard to tell the
difference between the two ofthem, because they often exhibit
(10:50):
similar traits.
But the biggest differencebetween a narcissist and an
avoidant is that one truly doeswant the relationship to work.
See, narcissists a truenarcissist actually does have
(11:12):
some sadistic tendencies.
They actually do get pleasurefrom seeing someone else suffer,
seeing somebody else in pain,and so they kind of are a bit
more twisted.
Narcissists can also go fromnarcissism to sociopathic, to
(11:36):
psychopathic.
It's a progression.
But the avoidant, on the otherhand, this is a person who, like
they've both been deeplywounded.
But the avoidant actually doescare about how their actions
(11:57):
affect other people.
It might not always seem likeit, but they actually do.
The avoidant is someone who,after maybe setting some really
strong boundaries, will cherishthe relationship they have with
(12:20):
you over their self-preservation.
And this is why settingboundaries in relationships is
so healthy is because it alsoweeds out the narcissist over
the avoidant.
An avoidant is someone you canactually work with.
Narcissists not so much.
(12:41):
Again, they just want to hurt.
You can actually work withNarcissists not so much.
Again, they just want to hurtyou and oftentimes, when they
realize that the person is nolonger able to be manipulated,
coerced, abused, gaslit, toredown and hurt by their actions
(13:06):
and they're not able to gettheir kicks and giggles at the
expense of others, unfortunately, they tend to leave the
relationship on their own, insearch of someone else that they
can manipulate on their own, insearch of someone else that
(13:27):
they can manipulate.
The avoidant, on the other hand,actually does not want to be
abandoned.
They do, again, want thatrelationship with you, but
they're scared, and so that fearcomes out in things like
manipulation, gaslightingwhatever they have to do to keep
(13:49):
themselves protected and keepthemselves safe because this is
a person that has experienceddeep trauma as well.
But they do care.
They actually do care, and youcan see that because even after
a fight, they will sit there andreally think about what you say
(14:12):
.
They will try to change.
They will try to be open andhonest and vulnerable with you,
and it might take again somefighting or contention or a
(14:33):
confrontation, but eventuallythey do want to try to come to
the truth.
They don't do the things thatthey do because they want to see
you suffer.
They do it because theythemselves are suffering.
(14:55):
Oftentimes, when you setboundaries with an avoidant, yes
, again, they're going to cometo that confrontation right.
Because they're going to cometo that confrontation right
because they're acting out offear, because boundaries can
signal what it is that they arevery insecure about.
But they do try.
(15:18):
They try to get the help.
They try to get the help.
They try to get better.
They tend to learn to relaxwith you because they start to
realize that boundaries actuallyhelp them feel safe in the
(15:39):
relationship with you.
They know what to expect withyou, and that is one of the
reasons why an avoidant actuallydoes tend to start feeling very
safe with boundaries is becausethey know what to expect.
Without boundaries, they don'tknow what to expect and it puts
(16:07):
them in complete and uttercontrol of the relationship,
which actually terrifies them,and that's why they make such a
messy job of it.
An avoidant acts out of theirtrauma.
A narcissist does too, to some,but the avoidant will
acknowledge that they havetrauma.
(16:27):
The narcissist says you're thetrauma, you are the problem,
that they have nothing to gain,that they're just being nice to
you, that you're never going toget better than them, and it's a
(16:48):
consistent dig after dig afterdig, just because they want to
see you go crazy.
To top this all off, anavoidant actually does have
empathy.
They might have a lot of guilt,they might have a lot of shame,
they're very confused andscared, and we don't act very
(17:15):
well when you're confused andscared and have all the guilt
and the shame and believeArmageddon is our fault.
We just don't act very smart orwell in those situations.
However, the narcissist has noempathy.
They do not earn and are notable to connect with people on
(17:43):
an emotional level, and theytruly do do it because they want
to get some type of a reactionout of you that makes them
finally feel some sense of joy,because that reaction means that
they have some type of controlover you, and that is what they
(18:03):
are seeking.
It is not a relationship, it isthat they are seeking control
over another person.
That is what makes them feellike they have a purpose.
That is what makes them feellike they are alive.
There is a very big differencebetween a narcissist and an
(18:24):
avoidant, and this is also, Ithink, why we need to be careful
how we label people andespecially we need to be careful
with not trusting ourselves,because people who don't trust
themselves do tend to fall moreprey to narcissists than they do
(18:45):
.
The avoidant Remember this iswhat narcissists look for.
They look for people who can bemanipulated, and people who can
be manipulated usually do nothave a high sense of self-trust.
(19:06):
These are people that have haddeep wounds before, who have
been traumatized.
They prey upon that.
But the avoidant actually doescare.
They do see the good in you.
(19:29):
They both might love bomb whenthey've done something wrong,
but the narcissist is doing itto keep you completely confused,
whereas the avoidant is doingit because they feel guilty.
The reasons why they do things,even though they're doing
(19:50):
similar things, the reasons why,are very different.
The other thing, too, is theywill prey upon a person who does
not have very strong boundaries.
So how do you know if it's anarcissist or not?
Set boundaries, have confidence, know who you are.
(20:13):
This is one of the mostimportant things when it comes
to relationships is knowingyourself first and liking that
person is when you have your ownback, my loves.
You are far less likely to stepinto major relationship trauma
(20:37):
with a narcissist because youwon't put up with it.
This is part of the reason whyI want to get in and help people
, people who haveself-confidence in themselves,
(20:57):
who do have their own back butare very humble about it.
They recognize having your ownback is not believing that you
have nothing to gain, you havenowhere else to grow, that you
are perfect already.
That's on the narcissistic side, right?
(21:18):
We're not narcissists.
People that do have their ownback, though, do realize and
recognize that they have growthto do, but they say it's
possible to grow.
They don't look at all thegrowth they have to do and get
overwhelmed by it and be like,oh, it'll never happen.
No, they know that they'll doit.
(21:40):
They're proud of themselves andtheir achievements and so,
therefore, they continue to moveforward.
Or maybe they're just startingout their achievement journey
and they realize that they'reworth the effort that they put
in for themselves.
(22:00):
Narcissists look for people whohave a habit of self-betraying
themselves.
Those who do not leavethemselves behind often do not
fall victim to narcissists,because a person with a boundary
or people with boundaries areterrifying to narcissists and
(22:23):
safe for the avoidant.
All right, my loves.
I hope that this was helpfulfor you.
It's a shorter podcast thisweek, but I think very important
to acknowledge these things.
We want to be intentional whenit comes to any relationship
(22:45):
that we have.
We want to be able to take ourtime, but, more than anything,
if you have a fracturedrelationship with yourself, you
will have fracturedrelationships with other people.
It's not about how somebodyelse shows up necessarily so
(23:07):
much in your life as much as itis about how you show up for you
.
When you show up, the way youwant someone else to show up,
having your own back is always agood idea, because it will call
to you people who also want tohave your back and people who
have their own back too.
(23:28):
Alright, my loves.
Hopefully this was helpful.
Again, if you want some helpand support with these things,
feel free To click on the linkin the description below and
schedule that free call with me.
I am so happy To talk to youguys About your boundaries, your
(23:50):
self-belief, your confidenceand getting you into really,
really healthy and helpfulrelationships with people who
really do want to show up tosupport you.
All right, my loves.
Until next week.
I'll see you on the other side.
(24:11):
Bye.
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the
Other Side of the Struggle.
Today we're getting into thedifference between a narcissist
and an avoidant.
Now, one thing I really do wantto make very clear, though,
before I get into this, is Idon't love giving labels to
people.
One thing that I'm hearingconsistently is he's a
(00:24):
narcissist, he's a narcissist,he's a narcissist, he's a
narcissist, or she's anarcissist, or she's a
narcissist, narcissist,narcissist, narcissist.
And guys, let's like, cool thejets on the narcissism.
We can say we don't trust them.
We can say they don't havehealthy behaviors in
relationships.
(00:44):
We can call out thecircumstance.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But just labeling somebodysomething doesn't always make it
true.
But I do think it behoves uswell to see the differences
(01:06):
between the two, and there aremajor differences, because some
people out there truly arenarcissistic, but some people
out there are avoidant.
Now they have very similartendencies and very similar
actions, and sometimes it's veryhard to tell the difference.
(01:27):
But there is one majordifference between the two of
them, and I'll explain that injust a minute.
So let's dive into this.
First of all, let's talk aboutwhy I think so many people are
(01:47):
labeling people as narcissists.
Labels give us the ability tounderstand people better, at
least to our mind.
It gives us something that wecan trust, and I think
especially in women.
I know for myself I have had alot of friends, especially when
(02:16):
I was in the dating field, whowould talk to me about a guy
that had asked me out or a guythat I was considering dating,
and they often had labels forthis guy Narcissist, avoidant,
(02:37):
layer, or maybe he was ambitious, maybe he was a nice guy, maybe
he was the guy that everybodywanted.
There was always some type oflabel and it gave me and I think
(03:03):
it does this a lot of times forother women too a sense of what
to trust and what not to trustbecause of somebody else's
experiences.
But sometimes those experiencesare so late because the guy
didn't like the girl and shetook offense at that.
(03:27):
And so what does she do?
She tries to also sell hisreputation with other girls.
Labels are also comforting tous, not only because it gives us
a sense of what to trust, but asense of familiarity with a
(03:49):
person, an ability to understandthem, and we feel like if we
have the ability to understandthem, then we'll also understand
what to do with them, but thisis not always the case either,
(04:11):
and a lot of the times again itcomes down to everybody has
their own filter, similar to thegirl who was rejected by the
guy who was rejected by the guy,and so she decided To become
vindictive and turn every girlshe could think of against him.
Everybody has a filter.
(04:36):
What they may perceive as badCan also simply just be
something different that personprotecting themselves, or maybe
that person's not interested, ormaybe, like there's so many
(05:00):
maybes in the air, so manymaybes in the air, so labels
aren't necessarily good.
However, circumstances do make adifference.
Perhaps he's forgotten manydates with you, or perhaps he's
(05:26):
not taking you on dates like heneeds to be, should you be
married.
Perhaps he's not wise withfinances because he's always so
worried about paying off debt oralways getting into debt.
Both of them can be very bad.
Maybe he's left you to figureout all of the problems because
(05:47):
it's just too much for him.
Or maybe you're consistentlyfeeling like the bad guy and
like the crazy one.
These can all be circumstances.
Maybe he's consistently tellingyou that it's your fault.
Maybe he's just consistentlychecked out.
(06:08):
These are circumstances, and Ithink it's really important that
we avoid labels and insteadtrust our own experiences with
people, because we're the onesthat are considering a
relationship with him.
We do need to be the ones.
(06:29):
I think it is a good idea tolisten to the experiences of
other people, because if you'reconsistently being told by
several people that he'sdangerous, you may need to
listen to that and be watchful,but you are the one that is
(06:52):
considering the relationship.
You are the one that isconsidering doing anything with
this person, connecting in someway.
Therefore, you are the onewhose opinion matters the most,
not everyone else's, and this iswhy, again, labels aren't
(07:12):
always good.
But now that I've said thatpiece, let's talk about what a
narcissist is.
A narcissist, by definition, issomeone who loves themselves
and themselves alone.
Now, that's not always true.
I kind of think that this, likeI, get where they're going with
(07:38):
this narcissist.
In greek, uh, enrollment.
Was it Greek or Roman theology,I can't remember, but as one of
those two, he was someone whowas absolutely beautiful.
People consistently fell inlove with him, and it wasn't
(07:58):
until he saw his own reflectionthat he looked and that he could
not move.
He immediately fell in lovewith himself, um, and would not
leave the water or hisreflection, and so he just died
there, right, kind of aninteresting story.
(08:20):
Talk about dying on a heel.
But narcissists are really intoa lot of self preservation and
but the problem is they take itto a whole new extreme.
(08:41):
Everybody else has to be theproblem, everybody else is wrong
, everybody else is showing upinappropriately, but they
themselves do nothing wrong.
That is one characteristic of anarcissist, but it's also a
characteristic of the avoidant.
(09:02):
They often deflect what theyare doing On to someone else and
often times those are thepeople that are closest to them,
aka you.
Now Another thing about anarcissist Sometimes they're
(09:22):
just freaking, not nice.
They get you, they try to getinto your head and gaslight you
and get you to believe all ofthese things that you know are
not true.
Your experience is verydifferent, but they try to get
you to disbelieve it.
(09:43):
They play mind games Because,again, nothing can get in and
break their self-preservation.
They avoid truth, they lie.
They have to be the mostinteresting and the most
(10:07):
important person in the room.
They are constantly going to bethe ones that look like the
good guy.
But one of the biggest thingsthat narcissists do is they lack
empathy.
They lack the ability toemotionally, spiritually and
(10:29):
mentally connect with otherpeople because they have an
inflated sense of entitlementand ego.
This, these are things thatboth the narcissist and the
avoidant do, and so oftentimesit's very hard to tell the
difference between the two ofthem, because they often exhibit
(10:50):
similar traits.
But the biggest differencebetween a narcissist and an
avoidant is that one truly doeswant the relationship to work.
See, narcissists a truenarcissist actually does have
(11:12):
some sadistic tendencies.
They actually do get pleasurefrom seeing someone else suffer,
seeing somebody else in pain,and so they kind of are a bit
more twisted.
Narcissists can also go fromnarcissism to sociopathic, to
(11:36):
psychopathic.
It's a progression.
But the avoidant, on the otherhand, this is a person who, like
they've both been deeplywounded.
But the avoidant actually doescare about how their actions
(11:57):
affect other people.
It might not always seem likeit, but they actually do.
The avoidant is someone who,after maybe setting some really
strong boundaries, will cherishthe relationship they have with
(12:20):
you over their self-preservation.
And this is why settingboundaries in relationships is
so healthy is because it alsoweeds out the narcissist over
the avoidant.
An avoidant is someone you canactually work with.
Narcissists not so much.
(12:41):
Again, they just want to hurt.
You can actually work withNarcissists not so much.
Again, they just want to hurtyou and oftentimes, when they
realize that the person is nolonger able to be manipulated,
coerced, abused, gaslit, toredown and hurt by their actions
(13:06):
and they're not able to gettheir kicks and giggles at the
expense of others, unfortunately, they tend to leave the
relationship on their own, insearch of someone else that they
can manipulate on their own, insearch of someone else that
(13:27):
they can manipulate.
The avoidant, on the other hand,actually does not want to be
abandoned.
They do, again, want thatrelationship with you, but
they're scared, and so that fearcomes out in things like
manipulation, gaslightingwhatever they have to do to keep
(13:49):
themselves protected and keepthemselves safe because this is
a person that has experienceddeep trauma as well.
But they do care.
They actually do care, and youcan see that because even after
a fight, they will sit there andreally think about what you say
(14:12):
.
They will try to change.
They will try to be open andhonest and vulnerable with you,
and it might take again somefighting or contention or a
(14:33):
confrontation, but eventuallythey do want to try to come to
the truth.
They don't do the things thatthey do because they want to see
you suffer.
They do it because theythemselves are suffering.
(14:55):
Oftentimes, when you setboundaries with an avoidant, yes
, again, they're going to cometo that confrontation right.
Because they're going to cometo that confrontation right
because they're acting out offear, because boundaries can
signal what it is that they arevery insecure about.
But they do try.
(15:18):
They try to get the help.
They try to get the help.
They try to get better.
They tend to learn to relaxwith you because they start to
realize that boundaries actuallyhelp them feel safe in the
(15:39):
relationship with you.
They know what to expect withyou, and that is one of the
reasons why an avoidant actuallydoes tend to start feeling very
safe with boundaries is becausethey know what to expect.
Without boundaries, they don'tknow what to expect and it puts
(16:07):
them in complete and uttercontrol of the relationship,
which actually terrifies them,and that's why they make such a
messy job of it.
An avoidant acts out of theirtrauma.
A narcissist does too, to some,but the avoidant will
acknowledge that they havetrauma.
(16:27):
The narcissist says you're thetrauma, you are the problem,
that they have nothing to gain,that they're just being nice to
you, that you're never going toget better than them, and it's a
(16:48):
consistent dig after dig afterdig, just because they want to
see you go crazy.
To top this all off, anavoidant actually does have
empathy.
They might have a lot of guilt,they might have a lot of shame,
they're very confused andscared, and we don't act very
(17:15):
well when you're confused andscared and have all the guilt
and the shame and believeArmageddon is our fault.
We just don't act very smart orwell in those situations.
However, the narcissist has noempathy.
They do not earn and are notable to connect with people on
(17:43):
an emotional level, and theytruly do do it because they want
to get some type of a reactionout of you that makes them
finally feel some sense of joy,because that reaction means that
they have some type of controlover you, and that is what they
(18:03):
are seeking.
It is not a relationship, it isthat they are seeking control
over another person.
That is what makes them feellike they have a purpose.
That is what makes them feellike they are alive.
There is a very big differencebetween a narcissist and an
(18:24):
avoidant, and this is also, Ithink, why we need to be careful
how we label people andespecially we need to be careful
with not trusting ourselves,because people who don't trust
themselves do tend to fall moreprey to narcissists than they do
(18:45):
.
The avoidant Remember this iswhat narcissists look for.
They look for people who can bemanipulated, and people who can
be manipulated usually do nothave a high sense of self-trust.
(19:06):
These are people that have haddeep wounds before, who have
been traumatized.
They prey upon that.
But the avoidant actually doescare.
They do see the good in you.
(19:29):
They both might love bomb whenthey've done something wrong,
but the narcissist is doing itto keep you completely confused,
whereas the avoidant is doingit because they feel guilty.
The reasons why they do things,even though they're doing
(19:50):
similar things, the reasons why,are very different.
The other thing, too, is theywill prey upon a person who does
not have very strong boundaries.
So how do you know if it's anarcissist or not?
Set boundaries, have confidence, know who you are.
(20:13):
This is one of the mostimportant things when it comes
to relationships is knowingyourself first and liking that
person is when you have your ownback, my loves.
You are far less likely to stepinto major relationship trauma
(20:37):
with a narcissist because youwon't put up with it.
This is part of the reason whyI want to get in and help people
, people who haveself-confidence in themselves,
(20:57):
who do have their own back butare very humble about it.
They recognize having your ownback is not believing that you
have nothing to gain, you havenowhere else to grow, that you
are perfect already.
That's on the narcissistic side, right?
(21:18):
We're not narcissists.
People that do have their ownback, though, do realize and
recognize that they have growthto do, but they say it's
possible to grow.
They don't look at all thegrowth they have to do and get
overwhelmed by it and be like,oh, it'll never happen.
No, they know that they'll doit.
(21:40):
They're proud of themselves andtheir achievements and so,
therefore, they continue to moveforward.
Or maybe they're just startingout their achievement journey
and they realize that they'reworth the effort that they put
in for themselves.
(22:00):
Narcissists look for people whohave a habit of self-betraying
themselves.
Those who do not leavethemselves behind often do not
fall victim to narcissists,because a person with a boundary
or people with boundaries areterrifying to narcissists and
(22:23):
safe for the avoidant.
All right, my loves.
I hope that this was helpfulfor you.
It's a shorter podcast thisweek, but I think very important
to acknowledge these things.
We want to be intentional whenit comes to any relationship
(22:45):
that we have.
We want to be able to take ourtime, but, more than anything,
if you have a fracturedrelationship with yourself, you
will have fracturedrelationships with other people.
It's not about how somebodyelse shows up necessarily so
(23:07):
much in your life as much as itis about how you show up for you
.
When you show up, the way youwant someone else to show up,
having your own back is always agood idea, because it will call
to you people who also want tohave your back and people who
have their own back too.
(23:28):
Alright, my loves.
Hopefully this was helpful.
Again, if you want some helpand support with these things,
feel free To click on the linkin the description below and
schedule that free call with me.
I am so happy To talk to youguys About your boundaries, your
(23:50):
self-belief, your confidenceand getting you into really,
really healthy and helpfulrelationships with people who
really do want to show up tosupport you.
All right, my loves.
Until next week.
I'll see you on the other side.
(24:11):
Bye.
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