August 26, 2024 • 45 mins
Ready to reclaim your happiness and navigate the turbulent waters of betrayal trauma? This episode promises to equip you with transformative insights and practical advice from our incredible guest, Stephanie Wilden. Stephanie shares her moving personal journey through betrayal, offering unique and playful methods for finding peace—like the rejuvenating act of painting herself in mud and cleansing in the river. Her story is not just inspiring but also filled with actionable steps to help you heal and rediscover joy in your life.
Feeling the weight of constant control and blame, especially when dealing with a spouse's addiction? Stephanie and I tackle this head-on, shedding light on the damaging cycle that many women find themselves trapped in. Through compelling analogies and real-life examples, we emphasize the critical shift from a mindset of control and guilt to one of self-care and balance. Learn how prioritizing your well-being can break the chains of anxiety and lead you to a place of peace and mental clarity.
The power of self-care, play, and creativity is undeniable in fostering self-love and personal growth. From creating personalized self-care menus to embracing whimsical activities, we uncover how these practices can alleviate overwhelm and build resilience. Delve into the magic of metaphorical art, journaling, and setting healthy boundaries after betrayal. Stephanie's energetic and positive presence will leave you inspired, and you'll gain valuable tools to enhance your journey toward a more fulfilling life. Join us for this enriching conversation and take the first steps toward healing and happiness.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
(00:41):
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
(01:02):
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
(01:23):
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
(01:45):
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
(02:08):
want my clients to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
Hey, everyone, welcome back toanother episode of the other
(02:43):
side of the struggle.
Guys, I am really excited tointroduce you guys to Stephanie
Wilden today and, as you guysknow, I'm kind of taking a step
away from betrayal traumacoaching and getting more into
relationship coaching forentrepreneur women, because you
know there's a lot ofrelationship dynamic in that
(03:05):
kind of stuff that help that,once you know is healed, these
women can actually go off andcreate a lot more goals with
their family and their financesand their creativity.
So that's what I'm steppinginto.
But I really want to introduceyou, like I said, to Stephanie
because she's someone that hasbeen highly qualified and highly
(03:28):
trained in the betrayal traumafield.
She's totally an advocate formamas.
She's one of my favorite peopleever.
She's somebody that I'vepersonally coached and she's
taken so much time and care andeffort coached and she's taken
so much time and care and effortand the transformation I've
(03:49):
seen in Steph from the first daywe've coached to now is
phenomenal and I know that she'ssomebody that you guys are
definitely going to want tolisten to and she's somebody
you're going to definitely wantto connect with, and so I'm
actually taking the bookinglinks that I'm giving it all to
Steph from this podcast as well,because I feel like she's going
(04:10):
to be a better fit now forbetrayal trauma coaching.
So we've got a fabulous podcastplanned.
Thank you, you're welcome.
(04:32):
Very long intro.
She was sitting there wonderingwhen I was going to stop
talking.
I could tell, but it's totallygood.
Like you're going stephanie inthe group, you're gonna see her,
um, a couple of times on thispodcast.
Like she's very well qualifiedfor what she's doing and you
(04:54):
know, as I've been sitting herechatting back and forth with
stuff, planning this episode andthis idea of the responsibility
of healing is it really up tome is something that kept coming
up, and she's got so muchwisdom and I definitely wanted
to highlight that for you guystoday.
So, steph, tell us a little bitabout yourself, like whatever
you want to say, um, and helppeople kind of get to know you a
(05:16):
little bit well, I'm stephanie.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I have never done a podcast in my entire life, so,
um, I have.
I guess I've kind of introducedmyself in the group a bit.
I have five kids.
I've been married for 15 years,but with my husband for 17
(05:46):
years.
Um, I have gone throughdifferent betrayal traumas, as
well as, uh, pornographybetrayal traumas, um, and I've
been following Aaron for likeher whole journey, even though I
(06:09):
didn't, even though I didn'treally uh know what I was
getting into four years ago whenwe started this.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Yeah, you'd love it.
You'd love it, let's see whatelse.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
I'm a really big advocate for wanting to play,
and my favorite thing in theworld is to paint myself in mud
and rinse it off in the river,which we've talked about, but
it's my favorite, so I'm gonnabring it up a few times it's all
good.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
I've actually personally witnessed this, but
you know, I kind of love it alittle bit because it's almost
kind of like it's sometaphorical actually, you know
what.
Know what I mean?
Like actually like letting themud come off of you Because,
like, after she paints herselfin mud, she goes and she gets
(07:11):
down in the river and she letsit wash off, Like I love it.
I love the.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
It's so nice because it feels calming and there's
like all this peace to it.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Now watch.
I'm going to have, like so manyviewers from across the world
going and painting themselves inmud.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Now, if they do post pictures in the group so I can
see it, because it's so great, Ilove it, I, I and I think I
brought it up in the in the uhmeeting we had on the facebook
page.
But, um, I had my children, somy five children and my nephew,
in the river with me a coupleweekends ago.
We all were all painted andjust rinsing it off.
(07:51):
It was great.
What else?
What else do you think theywould want to know about me?
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Well, probably tell them a little bit about your
story, if you will, like youdon't have to go into the into a
lot of detail, for sure, and,like I said, we can also edit,
like certain parts out, and I'llhave to do some of that already
, but it's all good.
Um, just like you, you wantthem to be able to connect with
(08:25):
you, like tell them like why areyou passionate about helping
them?
Speaker 2 (08:32):
so I'm gonna kind of go through my journey a little
bit, then, because I feel likethat's where I need to go.
Um, I feel like my life waskind of full of different
traumas from the time that I waslittle, even maybe before I was
born, until you know forever.
(08:53):
So, um, I I darn it I'm feelingreally overwhelmed.
Um, take a breath.
So I started, I, I went through, I I've been dying.
(09:17):
I'm gonna go with what I wasdiagnosed with really quick.
I was diagnosed with ptsdanxiety, depression, panic
attack disorder and some otherlike other things that go along
with that, and I was on probablyclose to four medications four
times a day, trying to keepeverything under control.
And I'll kind of go through my.
(09:38):
I'm going to go through kind ofa weird story really quick on
why I decided that I needed toreally start to heal myself.
It was my husband is a detectiveand he was working overnight
and I was on medication that mydoctors had prescribed that were
mixed.
They told me to mix together atnight so that I could go to
(09:58):
sleep, but instead themedication that they put me on
made me kind of like go into apanic to where I couldn't sleep,
and I was feeling like everyonearound me was like like there
was things like breaking into myhouse or whatever, and so I
started to like hallucinatethese things.
And so I went to the doctor andthey were like oh no, you have
(10:20):
to be off of this medication andwe'll put you on a different
kind.
So then I switched to anotherkind and and finally I was like
be off of this medication andwe'll put you on a different
kind.
So then I switched to anotherkind and and finally I was like
none of this medication isworking.
I went to a therapist and Iasked the therapist about it and
she was just like well, are yousure that these things aren't
happening?
Like when it came to thepornography use, she was just
(10:41):
like are you sure that thisisn't happening with your
children and all the stuff.
And it just wasn't what Iwanted to hear.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
she wanted, she thought that it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
She wanted uh to, she was trying to see if I, if I,
needed to leave my spouse, andthat's not what I wanted to do,
because I knew that Kelton isseriously one of the greatest
people on the earth and so Ididn't.
I knew that I didn't want thatand so then finally, like it was
like a last ditch effort was Iguess I'm gonna message Erin and
(11:10):
that is where I went.
Yeah, I'm a last ditch effortand I feel like, well, I feel
like if I hadn't last ditchedever I think I need to go
backwards a little bit I wouldhave gone crazy.
I would still be on medicationwhich, by the way, I'm not on
any medication and I feelclearer than ever.
I I don't have to take anyanxiety medication, which I had
(11:32):
to for most of my life, wasdifferent medications for them,
trying to make me feel like anormal human, but it just was
numbing.
And now I'm clear, clear, it's.
It's really strange to feel.
That's my story, I guess, sofar.
What else is there?
I love it questions for you.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Yeah well, let me first of all say like I love it
because it kind of gives me likethis, you know, huffing on your
fingernails and like rubbingthem on your shirt kind of a
feeling, right, because look,because look what I can do,
right.
But in reality, I simply gaveyou some advice, right, that
(12:14):
made all of the difference inyour life and you have
completely run with that adviceand it's that's what's gotten
you off of the medications,that's what's gotten you off of
the medications, that's what'sgotten you healed.
And, like you know, withoutgoing into a ton of detail,
she's gone through some seriouscrap, like oh my gosh, you guys,
(12:35):
and like and here's the reasonwhy we're not going into a lot
of the details is because it'sstuff that you guys already
understand.
You understand the trauma, thebetrayal side of things, right,
and what you're doing is you'rehere in this podcast to hear and
understand how to get out of it, and stuff is telling you that
(12:58):
it's absolutely possible.
And the one thing that she'scoming to say today is the
responsibility of healing.
Why does it have to be up to me?
Because I think that that'ssomething that a lot of women
are asking, like why do I haveto do it all?
Why is it always?
(13:18):
Why is it always on me?
Right, they're really feelingthis way.
Did you ever feel that way?
Speaker 2 (13:24):
I did, I felt I feel like everything that I felt was
that I was the problem and Ididn't know how to solve the
problem and I was making ittough for everyone else because
I was blaming myself because Iwas the problem.
(13:44):
But the truth was that I wasn'tthe problem.
I was only a small part of someof the problems, not the full.
It wasn't all on me, and Ineeded to heal my side of my
problem.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Yeah, yeah, cause the thing is is like and I think
this is like a thing that we getso stuck in often, especially,
you know, as wives healing frombetrayal trauma.
And even, you know, businessowners I have a few business
owners listening to this podcasttoo, right, and, by the way,
shameless plug for boundary bossbabes.
(14:24):
Go check it out, because that'smy new podcast, guys, if you
want to learn about how to earnmoney and if you want to learn
about how to heal yourrelationships at the same time,
like, go check that out, becausethere's going to be some great
content there.
But back to this particulartopic.
You know, like I think that wedo, as women, take on too much.
(14:48):
I think that, uh, we, becausewe're nurturers and we are
mothers, it's so natural for usto try and control cogs, in a
sense, that are not ours tocontrol.
Right, because what do wealways hear?
(15:08):
Like, control your children,control yourself Right, control
your home, control, control,control, control, control.
Like that's a large messagethat we're constantly being fed,
right, and so here your husbandis.
He's got this pornography habitor even addiction, right, and
(15:31):
what do we immediately go to?
Control it?
I'm responsible for it, I'mresponsible for my kids.
I'm responsible for the house,I'm responsible for the bills.
I'm responsible, I'mresponsible, I'm responsible,
I'm responsible, therefore,because it's I'm responsible,
I'm responsible, I'm responsible.
I'm responsible, therefore,because it's my responsibility.
I have to control it, and sowe're taking on this
responsibility of something thatis actually not ours so sorry.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
something that popped into my head about that is, uh,
one of the reasons that I thinkthat in my mind um, it was I
had to make sure that everythingwas taken care of is because
something that I was told by,like one of my grandparents
which is a complete lie I wanteverybody to know that this is a
lie before I say it was thatshe that if your spouse was
(16:18):
viewing things or they weregoing out and doing things, it
was because you weren't doingyour part as a wife, which is a
complete lie.
But it definitely was somethingthat stuck with me that I wasn't
doing my part, so nothing wasgood enough and I felt like I
needed to keep controllingeverything around me to fix it
so that it was working, kind oflike that part on inside out too
(16:38):
I was telling you about earlieryeah, you know, talk about that
for a second, because you weretalking about anxiety and inside
out too, and I know I don'tknow how many of the listeners
have watched it- or if we'reallowed to even say that on a
podcast.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
I really don't know you can talk about it.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
We're not taking credit for it well on inside out
too, there's a scene whereanxiety, the little character
that's she's teeny, tiny butshe's full of like anxiety and
she is like spinning in circlesaround the table that is
supposed to be the girl's lifeand she's just spinning around
(17:13):
it because she's trying to.
She had broken, basicallybroken the girl, and she was
trying to fix her and so she'slike putting her back together.
But she couldn't put her backtogether because she was so
anxious that she needed to havesome way to like step back from
the anxiety right, like she'slooking at all the possible
outcomes and and like this mustbe the best outcome, right, and
(17:35):
I have to control this outcome.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
This is the way we have control, right?
Speaker 2 (17:39):
that's what she was thinking of yeah, yeah and so,
and I think that's where a lotof our brains go when we're
feeling all that overwhelm andthat anxiety is okay, well, if I
do this differently, then thiswill change, and if I do this
differently, then this willchange, and you're like looking
at every possibility and youreally are in that anxious
circle around that table goingin circles.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
Yeah, seriously, and what's really interesting and
this kind of puts us into thisnext piece that we were talking
about is when you, when she wasin that circle, what did she
start doing?
It's my fault, it's my fault,it's my fault, I've broken it,
I've broken it, I've broken it.
And so she started going crazy.
I got to fix it, I got to fixit, I got to fix it.
It's all my responsibility,right, yep?
(18:23):
And so she gets into the cycleof self blame, right Blaming.
And I feel like we do that samething, like we blame ourselves
for other people's choices,actions, and we wonder if
something's wrong with us, ifwe're not enough, right?
I was actually just talkingabout this with a client today.
(18:43):
You know this idea that shefelt so much game, game, hello.
She felt so much guilt andshame, my gosh.
Let's just shove everythingtogether in one word right, and
unfortunately, game is actuallya word.
(19:04):
But that's not what we're doing.
We're not playing a game.
But there's so much shame andguilt that she was feeling for
the results of someone else.
Right, because she could seethat she had been a piece of
someone else.
Right, because she could seethat she had been a piece of the
result.
Right, but what was happeningto her in that moment, when this
(19:25):
result was taking place, wasshe wasn't whole, right, right,
and yet she was coming back,like as her current self, going
back to that past self andjudging like how could you?
And it just totally perpetuatedthat cycle of guilt and shame,
(19:48):
right, and so this is why I'msaying this is where we get to
start doing the opposite.
If we're in that cycle of blame,we have to doing the opposite.
If we're in that cycle of blame, we have to do the opposite,
which is ownership, right?
Well, that's that fifth pillar,and we got talking about some
(20:09):
of these different key pieces.
So let's go ahead and talkabout each one.
And you mentioned self-care.
Like how does self-care get youout of this?
I feel like I'm responsible fortheir life, their results,
everything and more into a peacewith yourself with yourself.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
So for me, something that I found that was like that
I was missing was definitelyself-care.
Like I felt like I couldn't takethat time to make sure that I
was taken care of because Ineeded to control the dishes or
the children, or I would worryif I took care of myself for
even like five minutes.
That like I'm gonna use the wordimplode, which sounds kind of
(21:04):
crazy, but like that the wholeworld was going to like implode
and I was gonna like messeverything up that I was trying
to build in inside of my home.
Um, like I would worry that Ihad all these worries that like
my spouse would have problemsbecause I needed to take care of
myself, and that that wasn'tfair, that he had to work and I
(21:28):
had been with the kids, and soto throw him into that it it was
really hard because you have,like you're trying to figure out
how to self-care, but you alsodon't know how.
So then I started making theself-care menus which I've
talked about with you and those,by the way, in the in the group
they're yeah so I startedmaking them, like these
(21:48):
self-care menus, becausesomething I found was I didn't
know how to do self-care.
I didn't know what I enjoyeddoing, so I had to like, explore
what do I, what do I like doing?
And for self-care, I found thatI really like bubble baths and
then I realized my tub wasbroken, but I didn't know it was
broken because I didn't taketime for self-care.
(22:10):
But now I'm like one of the big.
I got my house.
I had to get my housecompletely redone and my bathtub
got fixed and I'm like this isthe best self-care ever.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Oh, seriously Bubble bath and a book and a few like
favorite drink and chocolatesoff to the side Right there.
Yes, amazing, yes, uh-huh, Iagree.
You know.
What else makes it reallyawesome Is like turning all the
lights down in the bathroomreally low and then turning on
like a blue light or like a redlight or different color light I
(22:44):
have um so good.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Oh, what are those?
I have lilies like the lily,like lily pads, but like the
flower of the lily, and then Ihave candles that go into the
lilies.
They're like these waterproofcandles that when you put them
in they light up the bathtub andit's just these flower petals.
But it's so cool.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Oh, that is awesome.
Yeah, you one-upped me on thatone.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
It's beautiful.
Well, I found them in the poolsection at Walmart one day.
And you're like, no, I was likeI need those in my life day.
And you're like, I was like Ineed those in my life.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
I'm putting them in my bathtub.
I love it.
But you know, this is what'scool about self-care is you get
to like, be like I need that inmy life, right, and and it's
like not a irresponsible choiceanymore right now, of course,
like don't go spend all yourmoney.
I'm'm not saying that and she'snot saying this either, but
we're saying that you'rerealizing that that is actually
(23:42):
taking responsibility.
And you're telling me too, likethe opposite of self-care is
self-destruct.
Like did you hear that language?
Like everything imploding in onyou, right?
If you didn't take, if you tookthe time for self-care, you
felt like everything wouldimplode, but it was imploding
(24:05):
right, but it didn't.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
But it felt like.
It felt like it was like it,even though it already was all
around me, like things weregoing wrong.
If I took self-time, if I tookoh my goodness, self-time, so I
took time for self-care, that iseven gonna get like everything
was just gonna get worse, butreally, really it didn't.
I was able to do it.
(24:27):
It took me a really long time.
Um, I also found that I like toeat mexican food alone, because
my kids will just complain, soI'll go to mexican food by
myself sometimes, because I justreally love mexican food but
you know the other thing cool isthis teaching yourself love.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
You know what I mean.
Like to really like I'm beingby myself, like I love my kids.
I love hanging out with my kidsright, I totally do.
But I also really just likehanging out with me, right, like
I really crave those times andthose moments.
And I think this is whatself-care gives you, because it
reminds you to be responsiblefor you oh, also big, big secret
(25:08):
if you have trees, get ahammock.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I'm not joking.
I'll tell you.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
I'll tell you a little secret.
My kids are getting hammocksthis year for Christmas, so fun.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
I want to go camping and just do hammocks next time.
I have tents, but I feel likethat'd be so nice.
Maybe not in the rain, thoughno, there is a hammock tent.
I'm not even joking, maybe Ineed it.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
I'm sending you the Amazon link.
I am totally promoting Amazonstuff on this podcast today,
guys, I love it.
Okay, the second piece.
And I remember talking aboutthe play aspect of the seven
pillars, right, because youconstantly were saying I feel so
overwhelmed and I was like, ah,let's plug and play, right, and
(26:01):
holy hannah, that's like amajor shift, like that's when
things really like yes, yes foryou so tell us about that.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Okay, so play.
I'm gonna tell you guys firstwhat happened.
Well, I'm not gonna tell youwhat happened.
I'm gonna tell you guys firstwhat happened.
Well, I'm not going to tell youwhat happened.
I'm going to tell you whathappened, though.
No, so I thought that before Istarted, when I started coaching
like when I actually startedcoaching with other people and I
was like working with them, Iwas like not sure how to ask how
(26:33):
people played, and so my, my,my question always seemed
inappropriate, because I'd belike how do you play with
yourself?
and then I would have to likerewind and I'd be like, let me
explain it a little bit betterbefore you answer that.
So, um, I want it to be knownthat, like, if you hear that
question, it is not at all whatI intended it to be.
(26:55):
You, you're welcome.
How do you like to play?
It was so bad the first few Irealized what I was saying and,
oh man, so my play.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
This is why I love her.
You guys, oh my gosh, you'regoing to love her so much, Okay
so play, I learned.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
So she asked me what are ways you're going to love
her so much?
Okay, so play?
I learned I didn't.
So she asked me what are waysthat you take time to play and
I'm sitting there like I don'tplay, like I clean the house or
I go and play a board game withthe kids or you know, like
things like that, things thatI'm doing with the kids?
I didn't realize that you couldjust like go play alone, like
(27:37):
I'm doing with the kids.
I didn't realize that you couldjust like go play alone, like
do things for yourself.
So I started.
My biggest, my biggest changewas painting.
I didn't know I could paint.
I didn't know I could sketch.
I bought sketch pads, I boughtpaint.
I have so much paint in myhouse, like so much paint.
There's cupboards full of paint.
My kids finally got into it andI'm like but so much paint, and
(28:01):
I love it.
I maybe I'll post pictures inthe group later, but there's
this one painting that was myfavorite.
Actually, I have two paintingsthat were my favorite.
One was like that, like it'sthe starry night, but it's with
sunflowers.
It like this, this made out ofsunflowers, and that one was my,
one of my favorites and theother one was it was called like
(28:22):
drip painting and, um, you justget the brushes, what is you
want, and then the paint dripsoff of it and it looks like
sunflowers that are melting.
It's really cool.
Those are my two favorites, butbut, um, as I was painting, I
decided I would fall.
I was first, I was followingYouTube videos and I'm like I
(28:47):
didn't like it because it wastoo difficult to follow and I'd
have to pause it every fiveseconds because I just wanted to
get the picture perfect.
But then I realized that like Iwanted to draw more of like
what I was feeling, or I wantedto paint more of what I was
feeling.
So the biggest thing that Iremember painting on my own was
a little baby tree and I don'tknow if you remember it, erin,
(29:08):
but it was this little tiny likebaby tree, but it was stuck
underneath of like, like, aroundit was all black.
It looked like, it looked crazy.
But in my mind, when I saw whatI was drawing, it was this
little tree that was trying tolearn how to grow and it was
trying to like you know, likeyou know, like you know, like
you know, like you know, likeyou know, like you know, like
you know, like you know, likeyou know, like you know, like
you know, like you know, likeyou know, like you know, like
(29:28):
you know, like you.
It was trying to like also getprotected by like these colors.
It was really interesting andthat was something that really
spoke to me was taking time todraw something that maybe I was
feeling and that was the biggestone that I can.
I can come back to.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
Yeah well, and you know that's the coolest thing
too about like the play aspectis like for you the art became
metaphorical, right, um, likethe melting sunflowers.
I know like you kind of brandyourself a little bit with
sunflowers and sunflower colorsand like sunflowers are your
thing, like there's a sunflowerin your, in your picture right
(30:11):
now, right, right there, yes,and there's two or three up
there.
So sunflowers are like a thingfor you and I know like I love
the idea of like the meltingsunflower because like it's
melting and then like growingsomething different.
Right, like this, this, this,this idea of rebirth is kind of
(30:32):
what I get from that you andyou're catching those things as
you play.
You know what I mean.
You're hearing those things asyou play and you know I'm
actually thinking again ofanother client and I'm like, oh,
I need to introduce the subjectagain here.
(30:53):
But, like my, my brain goes ina million different directions.
I love it, but, like the, thething that's so powerful about
this right and you're you'reseeing this and you're saying
this is it's like when you havethese types of troubles and
these struggles and thesebetrayals and you feel like you
(31:16):
can't do anything, like you'restuck right, it's not a find a
solution type of a problem, it'sa create the solution type of a
problem.
And when you, when you get intothat play like that's where you
get find that creative energyright.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Yes, I feel like, as I was creating different things
in my life, I was creating moreof a solid foundation for myself
yeah, seriously, I love it.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
I love it.
So the last piece here is alsocuriosity, and I remember also
like introducing this piece toyou as well, like like getting
this, uh getting curious aboutlike why you're feeling the way
you're feeling and like thinkingthe way you're thinking and
like why you feel like you haveto be responsible yeah, a lot of
big questions, a lot of bigquestions, right, and you
(32:13):
actually took them seriously andyou started thinking about them
like this is another big shiftfor you.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
So tell me about this um, so I know that I have a
journal somewhere.
I have a lot of journals rightnow.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
It's bad, kelton just keeps buying me more yeah, I,
you know I'm gonna say I I hopeI don't offend anybody because
they're gonna be like I don'thave any journals.
But I'm noticing like thepeople I work with that are
really really emotionally smarthave like 12 different journals
by their desk.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
It's really bad, I do too.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
I have like a lot of journals?
Speaker 2 (32:46):
yes it, but what I would do is, um, I would write
like three pages I'm gonna gothree pages because it was
always so much, but I wouldwrite like three pages of
writing and then I would likerelook at it and then I would
highlight, I would highlightthings inside of my journal that
I had seen.
And then I would go to the nextpage and I'd like write a
(33:07):
question based on like, like,write a deep question based on
like whatever that highlightedsection meant, and then I would
write an answer to that question.
And then it would just like Iwould just reread it and there
would be parts of it where I'dwrite like three pages and I'd
have like 10 questions aboutlike, why I felt that way or how
I even got there, or whatever.
And it was something that was abig shift for me, because I was
(33:30):
able to, like, really analyzemy thought processes and even my
feelings, because feelings,because I was I have a really
hard time expressing feelings.
Um, I'm doing a lot better atthat now, but you are but, uh, I
had a really hard time with it,like, but I really really loved
going, being able to go throughand look at the questions that
(33:51):
I had for myself and try tofigure out, like, who I was and
where I was going, because Ifeel like I was very lost before
yeah, because I could know, Inoticed like you started to
anchor really deeply once yougot into that curiosity kind of
flow right, like this, this new.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
You really started to step out and you know you've
continued to grow in, in and inthe self love Right and so like,
instead of choosing into thisself betrayal that I think so
many people often do whenthey've got really, really
difficult relationships um, youchose into curiosity and it
(34:31):
anchored you Right, it totallyRight.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
Well, and on the same note of self-love, something
that I also realized I had to dowas uh, cause I had a lot of
negative.
I would have a lot of negativeself-talk even in my journal, in
real life, like I would.
It was bad.
So I started flipping it.
Like every time that I'd saysomething that was negative
about myself, I would like haveto flip it and like say five
(34:57):
things that were great aboutmyself or whatever, because and
that really helped like changemy mindset a bit on like the,
the thought processes I washaving about myself.
Yep.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Yep, and it so does.
All right, steph, I am excitedthat everybody kind of got to
meet you today and, like I said,from now on you know, when you
schedule a call off the podcast,you guys will be going into
chatting with Stephanie andhaving a one-on-one call with
her, because guys like she getsit and I hope that you guys have
(35:35):
heard that today, listening toher like talking about like
self-care, the play, thecuriosity and these cogs that
worked for her, because nowshe's not feeling like she's
dependent upon you know themedication, and dependent upon,
like, the opinions of otherpeople, but now she's really
living life fully and I think wecan also say that you
(36:01):
appreciate yourself and becauseyou appreciate yourself more,
you also appreciate yourmarriage more and your husband.
Right, how did that changethings for the two of you?
Speaker 2 (36:11):
um, well, we started, so I'm not sure exactly what
everything I'm going to say, buthe ended up seeing my change,
like seeing the changes Istarted making, and then he got
interested in life coaching.
So then he started, he startedgetting life coached and it
opened up interestingconversations like we would have
(36:33):
.
We have like more deep,meaningful conversations and
like, um, we started playingtogether more, and I know that
sounds really funny, but likepeople are always talking about
how goofy we are togetherbecause, like randomly, like one
of us might like walk up andsmack the other one on the butt
or something just in front ofpeople and then run away and
(36:54):
laugh and then like get chasedaround like weekly tag I don't
know, but um, the like it was,like this weird comfort that
like came from, like reallygetting to know who the other
was and where they were going,what their mind really was
thinking was eye-opening andeventually he wants to do it too
(37:15):
.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
So well, and you, you end up.
You end up not taking thingslike everything so seriously.
Yes, you know what I mean yeah,and that's one.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
That's one aspect I love about that.
I can I also sorry.
I just want to point out onemore thing really quick about
the.
Something I had to do to movemyself forward was to really
like let go of that control.
I wanted to bring that upreally quick.
So, for example, his all of hislike YouTube's or his like
(37:47):
YouTube accounts and hisInternet accounts or whatever
were on my phone so I could seethings, everything, everything,
and it was like really damagingand hurtful to me, like I feel
like seeing it like that wasmore damaging and hurtful to me.
So everything that popped upwould pop up on my phone and I
had to untether that.
(38:07):
I had to break all of thoseties in order for myself to move
forward as well.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
Yeah, you did, I did too.
I did too.
You know, I remember actuallyhanding uh reuben his phone one
day and I was like, if you'regonna do it, you're gonna do it,
but I'm not going to let you doit here, like yes, please go
somewhere else right.
And luckily, like he honoredthat.
But you know, I think if hehadn't, I would have been like,
(38:33):
okay, I, ok, I'll go somewhereelse Right, and I think you knew
that.
But I think this like opens upa really good discussion about
boundaries to have.
And so why don't you and I chatabout some of the different
boundaries we had in our nextpodcast?
Does that work that?
Speaker 2 (38:52):
would be great.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Yeah, awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome.
All right, you guys welcomeSteph, it's awesome that you're
here.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
I'm excited to see where this all goes, oh.
Speaker 1 (39:06):
I think everybody's gonna love you as much as I do.
So, anyway, you guys um, I'mreally excited for you guys to
get to work with Steph and getto meet her and benefit from her
just fantastic, bubbly, fun,energy and her just greatness,
pretty new, isn't it?
(39:27):
I don't know, I think you cando it.
Oh, I meant my bubbliness.
Oh, that's not new.
New, no, that's always beenthere just the quickiness.
We're good the quickiness allright, you guys, until the next
time we'll see you, okay?
(39:56):
So I've got a question for youhave you joined my free facebook
group or instagram page yet?
If you haven't go and do thatand this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
(40:17):
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook.
Go join my group, the Other Sideof the Struggle Healing from
Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(40:41):
and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
(41:04):
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
are there.
Also, come and join Immune andUnashamed for those married
couples that are following me,because in that group, me and my
(41:24):
business partner, kyson Kidd,are also talking and offering
some great content.
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
(00:41):
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
(01:02):
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to robus of our joy and identity,
which is why it's so miserableto experience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
(01:23):
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
(01:45):
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
(02:08):
want my clients to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
Hey, everyone, welcome back toanother episode of the other
(02:43):
side of the struggle.
Guys, I am really excited tointroduce you guys to Stephanie
Wilden today and, as you guysknow, I'm kind of taking a step
away from betrayal traumacoaching and getting more into
relationship coaching forentrepreneur women, because you
know there's a lot ofrelationship dynamic in that
(03:05):
kind of stuff that help that,once you know is healed, these
women can actually go off andcreate a lot more goals with
their family and their financesand their creativity.
So that's what I'm steppinginto.
But I really want to introduceyou, like I said, to Stephanie
because she's someone that hasbeen highly qualified and highly
(03:28):
trained in the betrayal traumafield.
She's totally an advocate formamas.
She's one of my favorite peopleever.
She's somebody that I'vepersonally coached and she's
taken so much time and care andeffort coached and she's taken
so much time and care and effortand the transformation I've
(03:49):
seen in Steph from the first daywe've coached to now is
phenomenal and I know that she'ssomebody that you guys are
definitely going to want tolisten to and she's somebody
you're going to definitely wantto connect with, and so I'm
actually taking the bookinglinks that I'm giving it all to
Steph from this podcast as well,because I feel like she's going
(04:10):
to be a better fit now forbetrayal trauma coaching.
So we've got a fabulous podcastplanned.
Thank you, you're welcome.
(04:32):
Very long intro.
She was sitting there wonderingwhen I was going to stop
talking.
I could tell, but it's totallygood.
Like you're going stephanie inthe group, you're gonna see her,
um, a couple of times on thispodcast.
Like she's very well qualifiedfor what she's doing and you
(04:54):
know, as I've been sitting herechatting back and forth with
stuff, planning this episode andthis idea of the responsibility
of healing is it really up tome is something that kept coming
up, and she's got so muchwisdom and I definitely wanted
to highlight that for you guystoday.
So, steph, tell us a little bitabout yourself, like whatever
you want to say, um, and helppeople kind of get to know you a
(05:16):
little bit well, I'm stephanie.
Speaker 2 (05:22):
I have never done a podcast in my entire life, so,
um, I have.
I guess I've kind of introducedmyself in the group a bit.
I have five kids.
I've been married for 15 years,but with my husband for 17
(05:46):
years.
Um, I have gone throughdifferent betrayal traumas, as
well as, uh, pornographybetrayal traumas, um, and I've
been following Aaron for likeher whole journey, even though I
(06:09):
didn't, even though I didn'treally uh know what I was
getting into four years ago whenwe started this.
Speaker 1 (06:16):
Yeah, you'd love it.
You'd love it, let's see whatelse.
Speaker 2 (06:33):
I'm a really big advocate for wanting to play,
and my favorite thing in theworld is to paint myself in mud
and rinse it off in the river,which we've talked about, but
it's my favorite, so I'm gonnabring it up a few times it's all
good.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
I've actually personally witnessed this, but
you know, I kind of love it alittle bit because it's almost
kind of like it's sometaphorical actually, you know
what.
Know what I mean?
Like actually like letting themud come off of you Because,
like, after she paints herselfin mud, she goes and she gets
(07:11):
down in the river and she letsit wash off, Like I love it.
I love the.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
It's so nice because it feels calming and there's
like all this peace to it.
Speaker 1 (07:22):
Now watch.
I'm going to have, like so manyviewers from across the world
going and painting themselves inmud.
Speaker 2 (07:30):
Now, if they do post pictures in the group so I can
see it, because it's so great, Ilove it, I, I and I think I
brought it up in the in the uhmeeting we had on the facebook
page.
But, um, I had my children, somy five children and my nephew,
in the river with me a coupleweekends ago.
We all were all painted andjust rinsing it off.
(07:51):
It was great.
What else?
What else do you think theywould want to know about me?
Speaker 1 (08:04):
Well, probably tell them a little bit about your
story, if you will, like youdon't have to go into the into a
lot of detail, for sure, and,like I said, we can also edit,
like certain parts out, and I'llhave to do some of that already
, but it's all good.
Um, just like you, you wantthem to be able to connect with
(08:25):
you, like tell them like why areyou passionate about helping
them?
Speaker 2 (08:32):
so I'm gonna kind of go through my journey a little
bit, then, because I feel likethat's where I need to go.
Um, I feel like my life waskind of full of different
traumas from the time that I waslittle, even maybe before I was
born, until you know forever.
(08:53):
So, um, I I darn it I'm feelingreally overwhelmed.
Um, take a breath.
So I started, I, I went through, I I've been dying.
(09:17):
I'm gonna go with what I wasdiagnosed with really quick.
I was diagnosed with ptsdanxiety, depression, panic
attack disorder and some otherlike other things that go along
with that, and I was on probablyclose to four medications four
times a day, trying to keepeverything under control.
And I'll kind of go through my.
(09:38):
I'm going to go through kind ofa weird story really quick on
why I decided that I needed toreally start to heal myself.
It was my husband is a detectiveand he was working overnight
and I was on medication that mydoctors had prescribed that were
mixed.
They told me to mix together atnight so that I could go to
(09:58):
sleep, but instead themedication that they put me on
made me kind of like go into apanic to where I couldn't sleep,
and I was feeling like everyonearound me was like like there
was things like breaking into myhouse or whatever, and so I
started to like hallucinatethese things.
And so I went to the doctor andthey were like oh no, you have
(10:20):
to be off of this medication andwe'll put you on a different
kind.
So then I switched to anotherkind and and finally I was like
be off of this medication andwe'll put you on a different
kind.
So then I switched to anotherkind and and finally I was like
none of this medication isworking.
I went to a therapist and Iasked the therapist about it and
she was just like well, are yousure that these things aren't
happening?
Like when it came to thepornography use, she was just
(10:41):
like are you sure that thisisn't happening with your
children and all the stuff.
And it just wasn't what Iwanted to hear.
Speaker 1 (10:47):
she wanted, she thought that it wasn't.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
She wanted uh to, she was trying to see if I, if I,
needed to leave my spouse, andthat's not what I wanted to do,
because I knew that Kelton isseriously one of the greatest
people on the earth and so Ididn't.
I knew that I didn't want thatand so then finally, like it was
like a last ditch effort was Iguess I'm gonna message Erin and
(11:10):
that is where I went.
Yeah, I'm a last ditch effortand I feel like, well, I feel
like if I hadn't last ditchedever I think I need to go
backwards a little bit I wouldhave gone crazy.
I would still be on medicationwhich, by the way, I'm not on
any medication and I feelclearer than ever.
I I don't have to take anyanxiety medication, which I had
(11:32):
to for most of my life, wasdifferent medications for them,
trying to make me feel like anormal human, but it just was
numbing.
And now I'm clear, clear, it's.
It's really strange to feel.
That's my story, I guess, sofar.
What else is there?
I love it questions for you.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
Yeah well, let me first of all say like I love it
because it kind of gives me likethis, you know, huffing on your
fingernails and like rubbingthem on your shirt kind of a
feeling, right, because look,because look what I can do,
right.
But in reality, I simply gaveyou some advice, right, that
(12:14):
made all of the difference inyour life and you have
completely run with that adviceand it's that's what's gotten
you off of the medications,that's what's gotten you off of
the medications, that's what'sgotten you healed.
And, like you know, withoutgoing into a ton of detail,
she's gone through some seriouscrap, like oh my gosh, you guys,
(12:35):
and like and here's the reasonwhy we're not going into a lot
of the details is because it'sstuff that you guys already
understand.
You understand the trauma, thebetrayal side of things, right,
and what you're doing is you'rehere in this podcast to hear and
understand how to get out of it, and stuff is telling you that
(12:58):
it's absolutely possible.
And the one thing that she'scoming to say today is the
responsibility of healing.
Why does it have to be up to me?
Because I think that that'ssomething that a lot of women
are asking, like why do I haveto do it all?
Why is it always?
(13:18):
Why is it always on me?
Right, they're really feelingthis way.
Did you ever feel that way?
Speaker 2 (13:24):
I did, I felt I feel like everything that I felt was
that I was the problem and Ididn't know how to solve the
problem and I was making ittough for everyone else because
I was blaming myself because Iwas the problem.
(13:44):
But the truth was that I wasn'tthe problem.
I was only a small part of someof the problems, not the full.
It wasn't all on me, and Ineeded to heal my side of my
problem.
Speaker 1 (14:03):
Yeah, yeah, cause the thing is is like and I think
this is like a thing that we getso stuck in often, especially,
you know, as wives healing frombetrayal trauma.
And even, you know, businessowners I have a few business
owners listening to this podcasttoo, right, and, by the way,
shameless plug for boundary bossbabes.
(14:24):
Go check it out, because that'smy new podcast, guys, if you
want to learn about how to earnmoney and if you want to learn
about how to heal yourrelationships at the same time,
like, go check that out, becausethere's going to be some great
content there.
But back to this particulartopic.
You know, like I think that wedo, as women, take on too much.
(14:48):
I think that, uh, we, becausewe're nurturers and we are
mothers, it's so natural for usto try and control cogs, in a
sense, that are not ours tocontrol.
Right, because what do wealways hear?
(15:08):
Like, control your children,control yourself Right, control
your home, control, control,control, control, control.
Like that's a large messagethat we're constantly being fed,
right, and so here your husbandis.
He's got this pornography habitor even addiction, right, and
(15:31):
what do we immediately go to?
Control it?
I'm responsible for it, I'mresponsible for my kids.
I'm responsible for the house,I'm responsible for the bills.
I'm responsible, I'mresponsible, I'm responsible,
I'm responsible, therefore,because it's I'm responsible,
I'm responsible, I'm responsible.
I'm responsible, therefore,because it's my responsibility.
I have to control it, and sowe're taking on this
responsibility of something thatis actually not ours so sorry.
Speaker 2 (15:55):
something that popped into my head about that is, uh,
one of the reasons that I thinkthat in my mind um, it was I
had to make sure that everythingwas taken care of is because
something that I was told by,like one of my grandparents
which is a complete lie I wanteverybody to know that this is a
lie before I say it was thatshe that if your spouse was
(16:18):
viewing things or they weregoing out and doing things, it
was because you weren't doingyour part as a wife, which is a
complete lie.
But it definitely was somethingthat stuck with me that I wasn't
doing my part, so nothing wasgood enough and I felt like I
needed to keep controllingeverything around me to fix it
so that it was working, kind oflike that part on inside out too
(16:38):
I was telling you about earlieryeah, you know, talk about that
for a second, because you weretalking about anxiety and inside
out too, and I know I don'tknow how many of the listeners
have watched it- or if we'reallowed to even say that on a
podcast.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
I really don't know you can talk about it.
Speaker 2 (16:52):
We're not taking credit for it well on inside out
too, there's a scene whereanxiety, the little character
that's she's teeny, tiny butshe's full of like anxiety and
she is like spinning in circlesaround the table that is
supposed to be the girl's lifeand she's just spinning around
(17:13):
it because she's trying to.
She had broken, basicallybroken the girl, and she was
trying to fix her and so she'slike putting her back together.
But she couldn't put her backtogether because she was so
anxious that she needed to havesome way to like step back from
the anxiety right, like she'slooking at all the possible
outcomes and and like this mustbe the best outcome, right, and
(17:35):
I have to control this outcome.
Speaker 1 (17:38):
This is the way we have control, right?
Speaker 2 (17:39):
that's what she was thinking of yeah, yeah and so,
and I think that's where a lotof our brains go when we're
feeling all that overwhelm andthat anxiety is okay, well, if I
do this differently, then thiswill change, and if I do this
differently, then this willchange, and you're like looking
at every possibility and youreally are in that anxious
circle around that table goingin circles.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
Yeah, seriously, and what's really interesting and
this kind of puts us into thisnext piece that we were talking
about is when you, when she wasin that circle, what did she
start doing?
It's my fault, it's my fault,it's my fault, I've broken it,
I've broken it, I've broken it.
And so she started going crazy.
I got to fix it, I got to fixit, I got to fix it.
It's all my responsibility,right, yep?
(18:23):
And so she gets into the cycleof self blame, right Blaming.
And I feel like we do that samething, like we blame ourselves
for other people's choices,actions, and we wonder if
something's wrong with us, ifwe're not enough, right?
I was actually just talkingabout this with a client today.
(18:43):
You know this idea that shefelt so much game, game, hello.
She felt so much guilt andshame, my gosh.
Let's just shove everythingtogether in one word right, and
unfortunately, game is actuallya word.
(19:04):
But that's not what we're doing.
We're not playing a game.
But there's so much shame andguilt that she was feeling for
the results of someone else.
Right, because she could seethat she had been a piece of
someone else.
Right, because she could seethat she had been a piece of the
result.
Right, but what was happeningto her in that moment, when this
(19:25):
result was taking place, wasshe wasn't whole, right, right,
and yet she was coming back,like as her current self, going
back to that past self andjudging like how could you?
And it just totally perpetuatedthat cycle of guilt and shame,
(19:48):
right, and so this is why I'msaying this is where we get to
start doing the opposite.
If we're in that cycle of blame,we have to doing the opposite.
If we're in that cycle of blame, we have to do the opposite,
which is ownership, right?
Well, that's that fifth pillar,and we got talking about some
(20:09):
of these different key pieces.
So let's go ahead and talkabout each one.
And you mentioned self-care.
Like how does self-care get youout of this?
I feel like I'm responsible fortheir life, their results,
everything and more into a peacewith yourself with yourself.
Speaker 2 (20:41):
So for me, something that I found that was like that
I was missing was definitelyself-care.
Like I felt like I couldn't takethat time to make sure that I
was taken care of because Ineeded to control the dishes or
the children, or I would worryif I took care of myself for
even like five minutes.
That like I'm gonna use the wordimplode, which sounds kind of
(21:04):
crazy, but like that the wholeworld was going to like implode
and I was gonna like messeverything up that I was trying
to build in inside of my home.
Um, like I would worry that Ihad all these worries that like
my spouse would have problemsbecause I needed to take care of
myself, and that that wasn'tfair, that he had to work and I
(21:28):
had been with the kids, and soto throw him into that it it was
really hard because you have,like you're trying to figure out
how to self-care, but you alsodon't know how.
So then I started making theself-care menus which I've
talked about with you and those,by the way, in the in the group
they're yeah so I startedmaking them, like these
(21:48):
self-care menus, becausesomething I found was I didn't
know how to do self-care.
I didn't know what I enjoyeddoing, so I had to like, explore
what do I, what do I like doing?
And for self-care, I found thatI really like bubble baths and
then I realized my tub wasbroken, but I didn't know it was
broken because I didn't taketime for self-care.
(22:10):
But now I'm like one of the big.
I got my house.
I had to get my housecompletely redone and my bathtub
got fixed and I'm like this isthe best self-care ever.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Oh, seriously Bubble bath and a book and a few like
favorite drink and chocolatesoff to the side Right there.
Yes, amazing, yes, uh-huh, Iagree.
You know.
What else makes it reallyawesome Is like turning all the
lights down in the bathroomreally low and then turning on
like a blue light or like a redlight or different color light I
(22:44):
have um so good.
Speaker 2 (22:46):
Oh, what are those?
I have lilies like the lily,like lily pads, but like the
flower of the lily, and then Ihave candles that go into the
lilies.
They're like these waterproofcandles that when you put them
in they light up the bathtub andit's just these flower petals.
But it's so cool.
I love that.
Speaker 1 (23:03):
Oh, that is awesome.
Yeah, you one-upped me on thatone.
Speaker 2 (23:08):
It's beautiful.
Well, I found them in the poolsection at Walmart one day.
And you're like, no, I was likeI need those in my life day.
And you're like, I was like Ineed those in my life.
Speaker 1 (23:19):
I'm putting them in my bathtub.
I love it.
But you know, this is what'scool about self-care is you get
to like, be like I need that inmy life, right, and and it's
like not a irresponsible choiceanymore right now, of course,
like don't go spend all yourmoney.
I'm'm not saying that and she'snot saying this either, but
we're saying that you'rerealizing that that is actually
(23:42):
taking responsibility.
And you're telling me too, likethe opposite of self-care is
self-destruct.
Like did you hear that language?
Like everything imploding in onyou, right?
If you didn't take, if you tookthe time for self-care, you
felt like everything wouldimplode, but it was imploding
(24:05):
right, but it didn't.
Speaker 2 (24:06):
But it felt like.
It felt like it was like it,even though it already was all
around me, like things weregoing wrong.
If I took self-time, if I tookoh my goodness, self-time, so I
took time for self-care, that iseven gonna get like everything
was just gonna get worse, butreally, really it didn't.
I was able to do it.
(24:27):
It took me a really long time.
Um, I also found that I like toeat mexican food alone, because
my kids will just complain, soI'll go to mexican food by
myself sometimes, because I justreally love mexican food but
you know the other thing cool isthis teaching yourself love.
Speaker 1 (24:43):
You know what I mean.
Like to really like I'm beingby myself, like I love my kids.
I love hanging out with my kidsright, I totally do.
But I also really just likehanging out with me, right, like
I really crave those times andthose moments.
And I think this is whatself-care gives you, because it
reminds you to be responsiblefor you oh, also big, big secret
(25:08):
if you have trees, get ahammock.
Speaker 2 (25:15):
I'm not joking.
I'll tell you.
Speaker 1 (25:19):
I'll tell you a little secret.
My kids are getting hammocksthis year for Christmas, so fun.
Speaker 2 (25:26):
I want to go camping and just do hammocks next time.
I have tents, but I feel likethat'd be so nice.
Maybe not in the rain, thoughno, there is a hammock tent.
I'm not even joking, maybe Ineed it.
Speaker 1 (25:37):
I'm sending you the Amazon link.
I am totally promoting Amazonstuff on this podcast today,
guys, I love it.
Okay, the second piece.
And I remember talking aboutthe play aspect of the seven
pillars, right, because youconstantly were saying I feel so
overwhelmed and I was like, ah,let's plug and play, right, and
(26:01):
holy hannah, that's like amajor shift, like that's when
things really like yes, yes foryou so tell us about that.
Speaker 2 (26:10):
Okay, so play.
I'm gonna tell you guys firstwhat happened.
Well, I'm not gonna tell youwhat happened.
I'm gonna tell you guys firstwhat happened.
Well, I'm not going to tell youwhat happened.
I'm going to tell you whathappened, though.
No, so I thought that before Istarted, when I started coaching
like when I actually startedcoaching with other people and I
was like working with them, Iwas like not sure how to ask how
(26:33):
people played, and so my, my,my question always seemed
inappropriate, because I'd belike how do you play with
yourself?
and then I would have to likerewind and I'd be like, let me
explain it a little bit betterbefore you answer that.
So, um, I want it to be knownthat, like, if you hear that
question, it is not at all whatI intended it to be.
(26:55):
You, you're welcome.
How do you like to play?
It was so bad the first few Irealized what I was saying and,
oh man, so my play.
Speaker 1 (27:11):
This is why I love her.
You guys, oh my gosh, you'regoing to love her so much, Okay
so play, I learned.
Speaker 2 (27:15):
So she asked me what are ways you're going to love
her so much?
Okay, so play?
I learned I didn't.
So she asked me what are waysthat you take time to play and
I'm sitting there like I don'tplay, like I clean the house or
I go and play a board game withthe kids or you know, like
things like that, things thatI'm doing with the kids?
I didn't realize that you couldjust like go play alone, like
(27:37):
I'm doing with the kids.
I didn't realize that you couldjust like go play alone, like
do things for yourself.
So I started.
My biggest, my biggest changewas painting.
I didn't know I could paint.
I didn't know I could sketch.
I bought sketch pads, I boughtpaint.
I have so much paint in myhouse, like so much paint.
There's cupboards full of paint.
My kids finally got into it andI'm like but so much paint, and
(28:01):
I love it.
I maybe I'll post pictures inthe group later, but there's
this one painting that was myfavorite.
Actually, I have two paintingsthat were my favorite.
One was like that, like it'sthe starry night, but it's with
sunflowers.
It like this, this made out ofsunflowers, and that one was my,
one of my favorites and theother one was it was called like
(28:22):
drip painting and, um, you justget the brushes, what is you
want, and then the paint dripsoff of it and it looks like
sunflowers that are melting.
It's really cool.
Those are my two favorites, butbut, um, as I was painting, I
decided I would fall.
I was first, I was followingYouTube videos and I'm like I
(28:47):
didn't like it because it wastoo difficult to follow and I'd
have to pause it every fiveseconds because I just wanted to
get the picture perfect.
But then I realized that like Iwanted to draw more of like
what I was feeling, or I wantedto paint more of what I was
feeling.
So the biggest thing that Iremember painting on my own was
a little baby tree and I don'tknow if you remember it, erin,
(29:08):
but it was this little tiny likebaby tree, but it was stuck
underneath of like, like, aroundit was all black.
It looked like, it looked crazy.
But in my mind, when I saw whatI was drawing, it was this
little tree that was trying tolearn how to grow and it was
trying to like you know, likeyou know, like you know, like
you know, like you know, likeyou know, like you know, like
you know, like you know, likeyou know, like you know, like
you know, like you know, likeyou know, like you know, like
(29:28):
you know, like you.
It was trying to like also getprotected by like these colors.
It was really interesting andthat was something that really
spoke to me was taking time todraw something that maybe I was
feeling and that was the biggestone that I can.
I can come back to.
Speaker 1 (29:46):
Yeah well, and you know that's the coolest thing
too about like the play aspectis like for you the art became
metaphorical, right, um, likethe melting sunflowers.
I know like you kind of brandyourself a little bit with
sunflowers and sunflower colorsand like sunflowers are your
thing, like there's a sunflowerin your, in your picture right
(30:11):
now, right, right there, yes,and there's two or three up
there.
So sunflowers are like a thingfor you and I know like I love
the idea of like the meltingsunflower because like it's
melting and then like growingsomething different.
Right, like this, this, this,this idea of rebirth is kind of
(30:32):
what I get from that you andyou're catching those things as
you play.
You know what I mean.
You're hearing those things asyou play and you know I'm
actually thinking again ofanother client and I'm like, oh,
I need to introduce the subjectagain here.
(30:53):
But, like my, my brain goes ina million different directions.
I love it, but, like the, thething that's so powerful about
this right and you're you'reseeing this and you're saying
this is it's like when you havethese types of troubles and
these struggles and thesebetrayals and you feel like you
(31:16):
can't do anything, like you'restuck right, it's not a find a
solution type of a problem, it'sa create the solution type of a
problem.
And when you, when you get intothat play like that's where you
get find that creative energyright.
Speaker 2 (31:36):
Yes, I feel like, as I was creating different things
in my life, I was creating moreof a solid foundation for myself
yeah, seriously, I love it.
Speaker 1 (31:51):
I love it.
So the last piece here is alsocuriosity, and I remember also
like introducing this piece toyou as well, like like getting
this, uh getting curious aboutlike why you're feeling the way
you're feeling and like thinkingthe way you're thinking and
like why you feel like you haveto be responsible yeah, a lot of
big questions, a lot of bigquestions, right, and you
(32:13):
actually took them seriously andyou started thinking about them
like this is another big shiftfor you.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
So tell me about this um, so I know that I have a
journal somewhere.
I have a lot of journals rightnow.
Speaker 1 (32:23):
It's bad, kelton just keeps buying me more yeah, I,
you know I'm gonna say I I hopeI don't offend anybody because
they're gonna be like I don'thave any journals.
But I'm noticing like thepeople I work with that are
really really emotionally smarthave like 12 different journals
by their desk.
Speaker 2 (32:42):
It's really bad, I do too.
Speaker 1 (32:44):
I have like a lot of journals?
Speaker 2 (32:46):
yes it, but what I would do is, um, I would write
like three pages I'm gonna gothree pages because it was
always so much, but I wouldwrite like three pages of
writing and then I would likerelook at it and then I would
highlight, I would highlightthings inside of my journal that
I had seen.
And then I would go to the nextpage and I'd like write a
(33:07):
question based on like, like,write a deep question based on
like whatever that highlightedsection meant, and then I would
write an answer to that question.
And then it would just like Iwould just reread it and there
would be parts of it where I'dwrite like three pages and I'd
have like 10 questions aboutlike, why I felt that way or how
I even got there, or whatever.
And it was something that was abig shift for me, because I was
(33:30):
able to, like, really analyzemy thought processes and even my
feelings, because feelings,because I was I have a really
hard time expressing feelings.
Um, I'm doing a lot better atthat now, but you are but, uh, I
had a really hard time with it,like, but I really really loved
going, being able to go throughand look at the questions that
(33:51):
I had for myself and try tofigure out, like, who I was and
where I was going, because Ifeel like I was very lost before
yeah, because I could know, Inoticed like you started to
anchor really deeply once yougot into that curiosity kind of
flow right, like this, this new.
Speaker 1 (34:08):
You really started to step out and you know you've
continued to grow in, in and inthe self love Right and so like,
instead of choosing into thisself betrayal that I think so
many people often do whenthey've got really, really
difficult relationships um, youchose into curiosity and it
(34:31):
anchored you Right, it totallyRight.
Speaker 2 (34:34):
Well, and on the same note of self-love, something
that I also realized I had to dowas uh, cause I had a lot of
negative.
I would have a lot of negativeself-talk even in my journal, in
real life, like I would.
It was bad.
So I started flipping it.
Like every time that I'd saysomething that was negative
about myself, I would like haveto flip it and like say five
(34:57):
things that were great aboutmyself or whatever, because and
that really helped like changemy mindset a bit on like the,
the thought processes I washaving about myself.
Yep.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Yep, and it so does.
All right, steph, I am excitedthat everybody kind of got to
meet you today and, like I said,from now on you know, when you
schedule a call off the podcast,you guys will be going into
chatting with Stephanie andhaving a one-on-one call with
her, because guys like she getsit and I hope that you guys have
(35:35):
heard that today, listening toher like talking about like
self-care, the play, thecuriosity and these cogs that
worked for her, because nowshe's not feeling like she's
dependent upon you know themedication, and dependent upon,
like, the opinions of otherpeople, but now she's really
living life fully and I think wecan also say that you
(36:01):
appreciate yourself and becauseyou appreciate yourself more,
you also appreciate yourmarriage more and your husband.
Right, how did that changethings for the two of you?
Speaker 2 (36:11):
um, well, we started, so I'm not sure exactly what
everything I'm going to say, buthe ended up seeing my change,
like seeing the changes Istarted making, and then he got
interested in life coaching.
So then he started, he startedgetting life coached and it
opened up interestingconversations like we would have
(36:33):
.
We have like more deep,meaningful conversations and
like, um, we started playingtogether more, and I know that
sounds really funny, but likepeople are always talking about
how goofy we are togetherbecause, like randomly, like one
of us might like walk up andsmack the other one on the butt
or something just in front ofpeople and then run away and
(36:54):
laugh and then like get chasedaround like weekly tag I don't
know, but um, the like it was,like this weird comfort that
like came from, like reallygetting to know who the other
was and where they were going,what their mind really was
thinking was eye-opening andeventually he wants to do it too
(37:15):
.
Speaker 1 (37:15):
So well, and you, you end up.
You end up not taking thingslike everything so seriously.
Yes, you know what I mean yeah,and that's one.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
That's one aspect I love about that.
I can I also sorry.
I just want to point out onemore thing really quick about
the.
Something I had to do to movemyself forward was to really
like let go of that control.
I wanted to bring that upreally quick.
So, for example, his all of hislike YouTube's or his like
(37:47):
YouTube accounts and hisInternet accounts or whatever
were on my phone so I could seethings, everything, everything,
and it was like really damagingand hurtful to me, like I feel
like seeing it like that wasmore damaging and hurtful to me.
So everything that popped upwould pop up on my phone and I
had to untether that.
(38:07):
I had to break all of thoseties in order for myself to move
forward as well.
Speaker 1 (38:11):
Yeah, you did, I did too.
I did too.
You know, I remember actuallyhanding uh reuben his phone one
day and I was like, if you'regonna do it, you're gonna do it,
but I'm not going to let you doit here, like yes, please go
somewhere else right.
And luckily, like he honoredthat.
But you know, I think if hehadn't, I would have been like,
(38:33):
okay, I, ok, I'll go somewhereelse Right, and I think you knew
that.
But I think this like opens upa really good discussion about
boundaries to have.
And so why don't you and I chatabout some of the different
boundaries we had in our nextpodcast?
Does that work that?
Speaker 2 (38:52):
would be great.
Speaker 1 (38:53):
Yeah, awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome.
All right, you guys welcomeSteph, it's awesome that you're
here.
Speaker 2 (39:04):
I'm excited to see where this all goes, oh.
Speaker 1 (39:06):
I think everybody's gonna love you as much as I do.
So, anyway, you guys um, I'mreally excited for you guys to
get to work with Steph and getto meet her and benefit from her
just fantastic, bubbly, fun,energy and her just greatness,
pretty new, isn't it?
(39:27):
I don't know, I think you cando it.
Oh, I meant my bubbliness.
Oh, that's not new.
New, no, that's always beenthere just the quickiness.
We're good the quickiness allright, you guys, until the next
time we'll see you, okay?
(39:56):
So I've got a question for youhave you joined my free facebook
group or instagram page yet?
If you haven't go and do thatand this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
(40:17):
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook.
Go join my group, the Other Sideof the Struggle Healing from
Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(40:41):
and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience, andI love connecting with you there
.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
(41:04):
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
are there.
Also, come and join Immune andUnashamed for those married
couples that are following me,because in that group, me and my
(41:24):
business partner, kyson Kidd,are also talking and offering
some great content.
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