August 19, 2024 • 37 mins
How can you transform betrayal trauma into a catalyst for personal and professional success? Join me, Erin Anderson, as I share my journey of overcoming betrayal and the powerful lessons learned along the way. In this episode, I’ll reveal the exciting transition of my focus to a new podcast aimed at empowering entrepreneurial women, while introducing my friend and mentee, Stephanie Wieldon, who will continue supporting the Betrayal Trauma Coaching community. Together, we’ll explore the four essential cornerstones every relationship needs and how they can pave the way for a fulfilling life.
Building a healthy relationship with oneself is at the heart of our discussion. We delve into the importance of mutual trust, respect, space, and love, and how cultivating these qualities within ourselves can transform our interactions with others. Through real-life examples, we unpack how personal belief systems shape our relationships and financial outcomes, emphasizing the transformative power of self-understanding. Learn strategies for establishing boundaries and self-respect, particularly within the family dynamic, and discover how a clean, organized space can influence positive behavioral changes.
Finally, I invite you to join our supportive community. Connect with others on a similar journey in my Facebook group, "The Other Side of the Struggle: Healing from Betrayal Trauma," and stay updated by following me on Instagram. For married couples seeking healing and growth, explore our "Immune and Unashamed" group. Empower yourself by harnessing the strength within, and let’s embark on this transformative journey together.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:29):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to rob usof our joy and identity, which
(01:15):
is why it's so miserable toexperience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
I'm super glad you guys arehere and I've got to be honest.
I have some news for you guys,my beautiful, fabulous listeners
, that might come as a bit of ashock to you, but don't worry,
(03:00):
there's actually some reallygood news too at the end of this
kind of shocking news.
So I know I've got you all onthe edge of your seats, right,
but so I've been looking at thedirection I want to take my
business for a while and I'vebeen looking at the direction I
(03:20):
want to take my life and acouple other things, and then
the way that I teach things andit's.
I've realized that it's time forme to go ahead and hang up this
particular podcast.
And before you cry and you'relike no, let me tell you that
(03:42):
it's not because I'm not goingto be doing any podcasting again
, it's that I'm up leveling intoa new one.
Um, so I will still have thispodcast and all of its episodes
will probably have roughlyaround 130 episodes by the time
that I wrap up with this podcast, so we just have a few more
episodes in this particular one,which is basically a free
(04:06):
course, by the way, for you guys, and I want that to stay there
because I know so many of youstill need this content.
But I'm going to be doinganother podcast and I'm still
working out the details of itall and I will let you guys know
(04:27):
exactly what those details arewhen I have them figured out.
But it's basically going to bea lot of this kind of stuff, but
really geared towardentrepreneur women who are ready
to up-level their lives andtheir relationships, to claim
(04:48):
greatness, to claim that six orseven figure earnings and
relationships that show up tosupport them.
Because one of the things I'venoticed as I've been coaching
women for the last 11, almost 12years is that one of the
greatest populations I've everseen that deals with betrayal
(05:12):
trauma is women in entrepreneurplaces, and I think a lot of the
reason is is because whenyou're an entrepreneur, that
increases your relationshipcapacity quite a bit and
unfortunately, not allrelationships are super great,
to be honest with you, and wehave to heal certain things
(05:37):
inside of us in order to claimand call in those types of
relationships and to also claimour authenticity in those types
of relationships and to alsoclaim our authenticity.
So with that, I just wanted tomake that announcement.
But don't worry, I still haveeverybody in really good hands.
I will be turning over a largepart of my Betrayal Trauma
(05:59):
Coaching business to one of mygood friends and somebody I
mentored personally, stephanieWieldon, and she'll be on our
podcast soon to talk and chatback and forth, because she's
just an amazing, amazing person.
And I will also be stillpresent in the other side of the
(06:22):
struggle group for those of youlistening to the podcast and so
it's actually going to be moresupport for my wonderful
listeners and followers, butjust a bit of a different turn,
because I really also ampassionate about helping women
earn money and businessaccountability and things like
(06:49):
that.
I really love it when womenhave their own money and their
own ways to spend it.
So, that said, let's go aheadand move on to today's topic,
which is the four cornerstoneseach relational foundation needs
.
Now a lot of you, like I said,are dealing with some type of
(07:11):
betrayal in your most cherishedrelationships.
Now, that could be betrayalwith your spouse.
Maybe somebody, maybe one ofyour children, has betrayed you.
Maybe you're dealing withbetrayal in business, like all
kinds of different types ofbetrayal, and it doesn't feel
(07:34):
good for sure.
But there's also therelationship that you have with
yourself and, to be honest, withyou.
This is also where allrelationships stem from.
I see a lot of people and I'veprobably said this on this
(07:55):
podcast before, but I see a lotof people who kind of lean into
this idea that you know they'revery focused on what their
relationships are like how withother people or their
relationship with money.
But when you look at therelational tiers, those two
(08:20):
tiers are still yourfoundational tiers.
They're not foundational, I'msorry, but they're the results
tiers.
They are the tiers that showyou what's really going on with
your relationship with God andyour relationship with yourself.
So we really need to take alook at the first two tiers,
(08:46):
which is your relationship withgod and your relationship with
self, because if we want goodrelationships with others and if
we want good relationships withmoney and abundance and you
know all the things that we wantto call into our lives then we
really need to take a look atagain those first two tiers,
(09:07):
because that's where all theaction takes place, believe it
or not.
Because, think about it, yourfour cornerstones are mutual
trust, mutual respect, mutualspace and mutual love.
Those are your fourcornerstones of any great
relationship.
But if you don't have respect,trust, space and love for
(09:36):
yourself, the best way youpossibly can, it's very hard to
have that type of relationshipwith anyone else.
Very hard to have that type ofrelationship with anyone else.
So let's go ahead and talkfirst and foremost about mutual
(09:56):
trust.
Again, we remember that you arethe main thread in your life.
Right, you're the maincharacter.
You are 100% in your life.
Right, you're the maincharacter.
You are 100% in your life, like, like you.
I know like a lot of peopletend to say like they want to
check out of their lives, but Idon't think that's something you
(10:16):
guys are doing.
Um, but even if somebody checksout of their life, they're
still with themselves 100% ofthe time.
Your relationship with yourselfis the one relationship that
you can't leave, and this ispart of the reason why it's so
important to have a goodfoundation in that relationship.
(10:39):
So when we talk about trustingoneself, that means that we take
action upon the things that wesay we're actually going to do.
Self-trust is broken when wemake promises to ourselves, or
even promises to other people,and we don't follow through.
(11:01):
Now, if you've been in arelationship where there's been
a lot of betrayal, you canunderstand that this is one of
the things that really bothersyou.
Right Is when somebody that welove makes promises to us or
(11:29):
commitments and doesn't followthrough with them.
So trust is so key in ourrelationships, and when we don't
feel like it's there, we don'tfeel safe, and safety is
something that we definitelyneed in order to be our
authentic selves.
(11:49):
This is why trust with yourselfis so important.
First, because if you don'teven feel safe with yourself and
this is the one place, the onerelationship you can't escape
from well then where do you go?
So One of the boundaries that Ireally love to teach my clients
(12:17):
is, first and foremost, havingsome trust with yourself.
Now, there's seven differenttypes of boundaries, and we we
can get into those at anothertime.
I'll also be talking about theseven different types of
boundaries a lot in my nextpodcast.
Also be talking about the sevendifferent types of boundaries a
lot in my next podcast, um, orin my new podcast, I should say
(12:38):
but uh.
The idea here, first andforemost, is to have boundaries
with yourself that you do notbreak and when you do, you
quickly forgive yourself andrecalibrate, put yourself right
back in to the boundary right.
People who trust themselves andwho have high self-confidence
(13:03):
are people who do have reallygreat boundaries with themselves
.
Okay, so things like I really dofeel like I trust myself.
When my emotions are coming tothe surface, I listen to my
(13:26):
emotions, I talk to myself in arespectful manner.
Thank you so much for bringingthat to my attention, aaron.
Why are you feeling that way?
I get curious about why I feelthe way I do, and I really
(13:47):
listen to.
Why I don't give myself theluxury of an.
I don't know.
I don't give myself the luxuryof an.
I don't know.
I always find the answers thatmy body is telling me.
If I'm feeling something, thenI need to know why I feel the
way I do.
(14:09):
Second, mutual respect.
Respect comes from trust.
To be honest with you, thinkabout someone that you feel like
has broken your trust over andover and over and over again.
There's somebody that can bedifficult to respect.
However, what is also true is,if you feel like you don't don't
(14:40):
respect yourself, it's alsovery hard to respect other
people.
So this is why self-respect isso important and being
respectful of oneself one, two,one, two we'll go with that.
Like it's so important to haveself-respect, like self-trust,
to have self-respect.
(15:01):
If you do not respect yourself,it is very, very hard to trust
yourself and to createboundaries around your life,
around your values.
Because, let's just be honest,if you're focusing instead in
all the ways that you don'tmeasure up, you cannot focus on
(15:24):
your values.
You're focusing on the thingsyou didn't do.
Now it might feel like you'refocusing on your boundaries and
holding yourself accountable tobreaking them, but that's not
(15:45):
the case.
That's absolutely not the case.
The truth of the matter is, whenwe do something wrong or we act
outside of our values, insteadof beating ourselves up for it,
if we simply say, why did I dothat?
Why did I feel like I had to dothat?
(16:06):
That was out of alignment withwho I truly am, so why do I feel
like I had to do that?
And again, getting curiousabout our actions, because our
actions will speak.
Like, if we ask ourselves whywe did the thing we did, it'll
speak to the emotion that we hadand the thought behind the
(16:29):
emotion, and it's the thoughtsthat drive everything that we do
right Our money story, ourrelationship stories, our story
about ourselves.
It creates our results.
This is also a lot of the reason, too, why a lot of people
struggle, like I said, in theirrelationships and in their money
(16:52):
stories is because of thethought processes that drive the
result.
But we don't realize that weare the ones that are
legitimately the creators of ourlives and we see the way that
this other person is showing upnot as a reflection upon our
belief system, but as areflection on them.
(17:17):
Now, granted, it is areflection on them, that is true
, but it is also a reflectionupon your belief system.
For example, I had thiswonderful, beautiful client who
had a business partner who wasless than honest.
(17:40):
We'll just say that, ok.
And one of the things that thisbusiness partner this, this,
this client, I should saymentioned to me about the
business partner Was how shefelt like the business partner
never showed up for her, that itwasn't that she wasn't honest,
(18:05):
but as I listened to her speakabout money and how money didn't
show up for her and how moneywasn't honest.
In some way I could see athread that this business
partner was reflecting herbelief.
(18:26):
Like, really seriously, it'strue, our belief system attracts
into us relationships that willreflect those beliefs, and so
whenever we have relationshipsthat do not show up with mutual
respect, trust, space and love,well, we get to examine okay,
(18:48):
what is this person reallyreflecting to me?
And then we get to look back inour belief system and say, do I
believe that?
How high do I believe that?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how highdo I believe that?
And we move forward.
So, mutual respect, mutualtrust or self-respect,
(19:15):
self-trust and space.
Let's go into space next.
Space is something that we mustgive ourselves and I'll be
honest, this is the one thing.
Well, actually, I think, likewomen in general, kind of
struggle with all four of thesepillars when it comes to
themselves.
Women in general kind ofstruggle with all four of these
(19:36):
pillars when it comes tothemselves.
But mutual space is definitelyone thing that we really
struggle with.
When it comes to being a mother,being in our spaces, we feel
like we're constantly having toshare our personal spaces and in
some ways, that is true.
(19:56):
Okay, you know, I totally getthis too, like I'm a mom of six
kids right At this time.
Their ages range from 17 tothree, right, and there's a lot
of ruckus often that happens inmy home, and one of the things
I've been noticing lately is,instead of making it focus on me
(20:20):
, like the cleanliness of thehouse, I need to focus on them
and how them respectingthemselves is also a reflection
of their spaces.
That's shifted almosteverything into more of a.
(20:45):
I get to be in the space I wantto be because I'm surrounded by
people who respect themselvesand that shows in their spaces.
So, granted, they're stilllearning and that's something
hard to teach a three-year-oldright.
(21:06):
But this idea of self-respect issomething that hasn't like and
it's shocking, right, becausehere I have been talking about
self-respect for years, but it'snot something that they've
really caught on to To thedegree that I want them to.
So when we are all respectingourselves every single person,
(21:42):
person then it tends to shiftthe respect that we have in the
relationships around us.
And respecting our spaces isanother one of our boundaries,
right.
Whenever we have really goodboundaries with ourselves, and
again that reflects in ourspaces, then we also have really
good boundaries with ourselves,and again that reflects inner
spaces, then we also have reallygood boundaries with others.
Another boundary that I'verealized too, because you know,
(22:02):
my home is my workspace andtherefore my workspace needs to
feel clean and organized andtidy tidy.
And if it doesn't, or if I feellike, after I've organized
something and I've cleanedsomething and the kids mess it
(22:23):
up again, right, well, thatfeels really disrespectful and I
get to ask myself why, right,what boundary do I need to set?
Well, recently I've come tothis realization that if my
space is not feeling respectfulbecause, you know, one of my
kids has totally destroyed ormessed it up or they haven't
(22:44):
followed through with what theysaid they would do, well, I'm
not going to go to bed without aclean home anymore.
That's my personal choice.
And if I'm having to bank potsand pans around at midnight or
vacuum at midnight, or maybe Imight blast the music at
(23:09):
midnight so I can do what I needto do, right, if they don't
like that, that's their choice,that's their accountability.
Right, I'm not going to like,I'm just not going to worry
about their sleep.
If I'm also going to have to beawake because they didn't
(23:33):
follow through with their things, right, that's one way for me
to stay in respect in my spaceand respect in myself.
I'm not angry at them.
But the thing is is if, if weget to a point where actions are
(23:55):
like the people around us, iftheir actions are consistently
leading to a negative responsenot one like where we're yelling
and screaming because that'sactually breaking the respect
with ourselves, but just havingto do what we need to do and
them not necessarily liking thatWell, that's when behavior
(24:17):
changes and we need to do thesame thing for ourselves again.
Right, you need to take a lookand see like, are we possibly
breaking any of these boundarieswith ourselves?
If we feel like we have to yelland scream in order to make
(24:38):
ourselves heard and in order toget things done, well, is that
really in alignment with who wetruly are?
Does that align with therespect, the self-respect, the
self-trust?
Oftentimes it doesn't.
We feel guilty for yelling andscreaming, and so it puts us in
this really nasty position ofconstantly having to break our
(25:01):
own boundaries but staying stuckin the same result.
If you take a look at myboundary before that, my home is
going to be clean before I goto bed.
Sometimes that does mean that Ihave to stay up late, right,
when my family doesn't followthrough, but it's also meaning
(25:22):
they're going to have to stay uplate too, because I'm not going
to worry about them having aquiet rest when they didn't
follow through with what theysaid they were going to do.
I'm holding them actually totheir self-respect.
I'm not angry.
I can understand not wanting todo chores Right, I don't always
(25:47):
want to do them but when I holdmyself to that boundary, what
ends up happening is it holdseveryone else to the boundary as
well.
Last one is mutual love.
Last one is mutual love.
(26:11):
See, when we have respect, whenwe have trust and we have a
respectful and trustful space,this is where love can flourish,
because we really do appreciatethe people around us and the
way they show up in our lives.
When we love ourselves, becausewe're respectful, because we
(26:31):
trust ourselves, because we lovethe actions that we take, we
can recognize those samecharacteristics in other people
because we are living themourselves.
So what happens when we feellike we are like maybe we're
already married, we do all thisself work and maybe our spouse
(26:56):
isn't into it?
Awesome, that might mean theend of the relationship.
I'll be honest.
But one thing I've learned, too,is that, if we do feel like
we're in that space, the bestthing we can do for ourselves is
to love ourselves, respectourselves and trust ourselves
(27:19):
enough to create the space thatwe need to flourish to, to be
sustainable, to be on our own ifwe need to be and that's a good
thing, even if you're in ahealthy relationship, because
(27:41):
self-sustainability gives youfreedom, gives you freedom, and
it'll only give the person thatyou're married to or the people
that you're in your closestrelationships, the example and
the space to do the same.
Everything, everything startswith the relationship that you
(28:07):
have with yourself and seeingyourself, the way god sees you,
and that also takes a trust inhim, a trust in him that he did
create a miracle when he createdyou, and not just a miracle,
but something that hasincredible power that maybe
you're learning to use.
(28:27):
And when you're learning to usea power, just like any
superhero, there's going to besome times where that power is
used accidentally, but you willmaster these things if you trust
yourself enough.
(28:47):
Our relationships are a mirrorto something going on inside of
ourselves, and so if we wantmore healthy, supportive,
sustainable relationships thatare built upon mutual respect,
mutual trust, mutual space andmutual love, built upon mutual
(29:09):
respect, mutual trust, mutualspace and mutual love, then what
we must do is make sure we'regiving ourselves those things
first.
Now, if you guys want help withboundaries, please reach out.
Either I or stephanie will meetwith you and help you figure
out, like what are your trueboundaries and how you can start
(29:31):
stepping into them and reallyliving them today.
And also, if you guys areinterested, I am going to be
creating a course calledBoundaried Up where we're going
to be talking about how to havethat self-respect, self-trust,
like the self-space and theself-love through those
(29:54):
boundaries.
It is going to be a courseentirely online that you can
move through at your own space,and the best part about this is
the course is only $297 rightnow.
That's insanely low price and Ido have a couple of payment
(30:17):
options for you if needed.
If you're interested in theBoundaryDub course and you want
in, interested in the BoundaryedUp course and you want in, feel
free to reach out to me eitherthrough email,
erinandersonthetraumacoach atgmailcom, or find me on
(30:38):
Instagram,erinandersonthetraumacoach.
Reach out to Stephanie I willput some links to her in to how
to reach out to her as well orfind me on Facebook, erin
Anderson, betrayal TraumaCoaching, and let me know that
you want in on the boundariescourse and we will get you
(30:58):
signed up immediately and youcan start going through at your
own pace.
Okay, my loves.
Everybody deserves to haveboundaries.
Everybody deserves to havethese things, but it always
starts with how we show up forourselves first.
I will see you on the otherside.
Bye, my loves.
(31:28):
Okay, so I've got a question foryou.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
(31:49):
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook.
Go join my group the Other Sideof the Struggle Healing from
Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Facebook.
Go join my group the Other Sideof the Struggle Healing from
Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(32:13):
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience and Ilove connecting with you there,
connecting with you there.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
(32:33):
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
are there.
Also, come and join.
Immune and Unashamed for thosemarried couples that are
following me.
(32:54):
No-transcript.
Hey everyone, it's Erin Anderson with the Erin
Anderson Betrayal TraumaCoaching.
I am super excited that youhave tuned in.
Today.
Let's get talking about how toheal from betrayal trauma.
Welcome to the other side ofthe struggle trauma, how to heal
it and then how to take it anduse it to unlock your mission
(00:29):
and your potential and to use itto live your very best dream
(00:52):
life.
When you're dealing withbetrayal trauma, it can be hard
to know how to heal it, how tostop the pain and to know what
your next steps are to take inyour own life, and these are the
questions that we try to answerhere.
Trauma has the ability to rob usof our joy and identity, which
(01:15):
is why it's so miserable toexperience.
But with the right tools andwith the right mindset, we can
totally reclaim that joy andeven use this trauma to
strengthen ourselves.
So that way, trauma does notknock us off of our joy again.
(01:36):
Living your dream life shouldbe a non-negotiable, but trauma
tends to try to negotiate thatwith you.
And even though trauma is notsomething that we will
completely ever be free of inour life, the pain is negotiable
(01:56):
.
This is why I created ErinAnderson Betrayal Trauma
Coaching and this podcast isbecause I want my listeners, I
want my clients, to live, trulylive free from the prison that
trauma can put you in.
I want you to live on the otherside of the struggle.
(02:35):
Hey, my loves, welcome back toanother episode of the other
side of the struggle.
I'm super glad you guys arehere and I've got to be honest.
I have some news for you guys,my beautiful, fabulous listeners
, that might come as a bit of ashock to you, but don't worry,
(03:00):
there's actually some reallygood news too at the end of this
kind of shocking news.
So I know I've got you all onthe edge of your seats, right,
but so I've been looking at thedirection I want to take my
business for a while and I'vebeen looking at the direction I
(03:20):
want to take my life and acouple other things, and then
the way that I teach things andit's.
I've realized that it's time forme to go ahead and hang up this
particular podcast.
And before you cry and you'relike no, let me tell you that
(03:42):
it's not because I'm not goingto be doing any podcasting again
, it's that I'm up leveling intoa new one.
Um, so I will still have thispodcast and all of its episodes
will probably have roughlyaround 130 episodes by the time
that I wrap up with this podcast, so we just have a few more
episodes in this particular one,which is basically a free
(04:06):
course, by the way, for you guys, and I want that to stay there
because I know so many of youstill need this content.
But I'm going to be doinganother podcast and I'm still
working out the details of itall and I will let you guys know
(04:27):
exactly what those details arewhen I have them figured out.
But it's basically going to bea lot of this kind of stuff, but
really geared towardentrepreneur women who are ready
to up-level their lives andtheir relationships, to claim
(04:48):
greatness, to claim that six orseven figure earnings and
relationships that show up tosupport them.
Because one of the things I'venoticed as I've been coaching
women for the last 11, almost 12years is that one of the
greatest populations I've everseen that deals with betrayal
(05:12):
trauma is women in entrepreneurplaces, and I think a lot of the
reason is is because whenyou're an entrepreneur, that
increases your relationshipcapacity quite a bit and
unfortunately, not allrelationships are super great,
to be honest with you, and wehave to heal certain things
(05:37):
inside of us in order to claimand call in those types of
relationships and to also claimour authenticity in those types
of relationships and to alsoclaim our authenticity.
So with that, I just wanted tomake that announcement.
But don't worry, I still haveeverybody in really good hands.
I will be turning over a largepart of my Betrayal Trauma
(05:59):
Coaching business to one of mygood friends and somebody I
mentored personally, stephanieWieldon, and she'll be on our
podcast soon to talk and chatback and forth, because she's
just an amazing, amazing person.
And I will also be stillpresent in the other side of the
(06:22):
struggle group for those of youlistening to the podcast and so
it's actually going to be moresupport for my wonderful
listeners and followers, butjust a bit of a different turn,
because I really also ampassionate about helping women
earn money and businessaccountability and things like
(06:49):
that.
I really love it when womenhave their own money and their
own ways to spend it.
So, that said, let's go aheadand move on to today's topic,
which is the four cornerstoneseach relational foundation needs
.
Now a lot of you, like I said,are dealing with some type of
(07:11):
betrayal in your most cherishedrelationships.
Now, that could be betrayalwith your spouse.
Maybe somebody, maybe one ofyour children, has betrayed you.
Maybe you're dealing withbetrayal in business, like all
kinds of different types ofbetrayal, and it doesn't feel
(07:34):
good for sure.
But there's also therelationship that you have with
yourself and, to be honest, withyou.
This is also where allrelationships stem from.
I see a lot of people and I'veprobably said this on this
(07:55):
podcast before, but I see a lotof people who kind of lean into
this idea that you know they'revery focused on what their
relationships are like how withother people or their
relationship with money.
But when you look at therelational tiers, those two
(08:20):
tiers are still yourfoundational tiers.
They're not foundational, I'msorry, but they're the results
tiers.
They are the tiers that showyou what's really going on with
your relationship with God andyour relationship with yourself.
So we really need to take alook at the first two tiers,
(08:46):
which is your relationship withgod and your relationship with
self, because if we want goodrelationships with others and if
we want good relationships withmoney and abundance and you
know all the things that we wantto call into our lives then we
really need to take a look atagain those first two tiers,
(09:07):
because that's where all theaction takes place, believe it
or not.
Because, think about it, yourfour cornerstones are mutual
trust, mutual respect, mutualspace and mutual love.
Those are your fourcornerstones of any great
relationship.
But if you don't have respect,trust, space and love for
(09:36):
yourself, the best way youpossibly can, it's very hard to
have that type of relationshipwith anyone else.
Very hard to have that type ofrelationship with anyone else.
So let's go ahead and talkfirst and foremost about mutual
(09:56):
trust.
Again, we remember that you arethe main thread in your life.
Right, you're the maincharacter.
You are 100% in your life.
Right, you're the maincharacter.
You are 100% in your life, like, like you.
I know like a lot of peopletend to say like they want to
check out of their lives, but Idon't think that's something you
(10:16):
guys are doing.
Um, but even if somebody checksout of their life, they're
still with themselves 100% ofthe time.
Your relationship with yourselfis the one relationship that
you can't leave, and this ispart of the reason why it's so
important to have a goodfoundation in that relationship.
(10:39):
So when we talk about trustingoneself, that means that we take
action upon the things that wesay we're actually going to do.
Self-trust is broken when wemake promises to ourselves, or
even promises to other people,and we don't follow through.
(11:01):
Now, if you've been in arelationship where there's been
a lot of betrayal, you canunderstand that this is one of
the things that really bothersyou.
Right Is when somebody that welove makes promises to us or
(11:29):
commitments and doesn't followthrough with them.
So trust is so key in ourrelationships, and when we don't
feel like it's there, we don'tfeel safe, and safety is
something that we definitelyneed in order to be our
authentic selves.
(11:49):
This is why trust with yourselfis so important.
First, because if you don'teven feel safe with yourself and
this is the one place, the onerelationship you can't escape
from well then where do you go?
So One of the boundaries that Ireally love to teach my clients
(12:17):
is, first and foremost, havingsome trust with yourself.
Now, there's seven differenttypes of boundaries, and we we
can get into those at anothertime.
I'll also be talking about theseven different types of
boundaries a lot in my nextpodcast.
Also be talking about the sevendifferent types of boundaries a
lot in my next podcast, um, orin my new podcast, I should say
(12:38):
but uh.
The idea here, first andforemost, is to have boundaries
with yourself that you do notbreak and when you do, you
quickly forgive yourself andrecalibrate, put yourself right
back in to the boundary right.
People who trust themselves andwho have high self-confidence
(13:03):
are people who do have reallygreat boundaries with themselves
.
Okay, so things like I really dofeel like I trust myself.
When my emotions are coming tothe surface, I listen to my
(13:26):
emotions, I talk to myself in arespectful manner.
Thank you so much for bringingthat to my attention, aaron.
Why are you feeling that way?
I get curious about why I feelthe way I do, and I really
(13:47):
listen to.
Why I don't give myself theluxury of an.
I don't know.
I don't give myself the luxuryof an.
I don't know.
I always find the answers thatmy body is telling me.
If I'm feeling something, thenI need to know why I feel the
way I do.
(14:09):
Second, mutual respect.
Respect comes from trust.
To be honest with you, thinkabout someone that you feel like
has broken your trust over andover and over and over again.
There's somebody that can bedifficult to respect.
However, what is also true is,if you feel like you don't don't
(14:40):
respect yourself, it's alsovery hard to respect other
people.
So this is why self-respect isso important and being
respectful of oneself one, two,one, two we'll go with that.
Like it's so important to haveself-respect, like self-trust,
to have self-respect.
(15:01):
If you do not respect yourself,it is very, very hard to trust
yourself and to createboundaries around your life,
around your values.
Because, let's just be honest,if you're focusing instead in
all the ways that you don'tmeasure up, you cannot focus on
(15:24):
your values.
You're focusing on the thingsyou didn't do.
Now it might feel like you'refocusing on your boundaries and
holding yourself accountable tobreaking them, but that's not
(15:45):
the case.
That's absolutely not the case.
The truth of the matter is, whenwe do something wrong or we act
outside of our values, insteadof beating ourselves up for it,
if we simply say, why did I dothat?
Why did I feel like I had to dothat?
(16:06):
That was out of alignment withwho I truly am, so why do I feel
like I had to do that?
And again, getting curiousabout our actions, because our
actions will speak.
Like, if we ask ourselves whywe did the thing we did, it'll
speak to the emotion that we hadand the thought behind the
(16:29):
emotion, and it's the thoughtsthat drive everything that we do
right Our money story, ourrelationship stories, our story
about ourselves.
It creates our results.
This is also a lot of the reason, too, why a lot of people
struggle, like I said, in theirrelationships and in their money
(16:52):
stories is because of thethought processes that drive the
result.
But we don't realize that weare the ones that are
legitimately the creators of ourlives and we see the way that
this other person is showing upnot as a reflection upon our
belief system, but as areflection on them.
(17:17):
Now, granted, it is areflection on them, that is true
, but it is also a reflectionupon your belief system.
For example, I had thiswonderful, beautiful client who
had a business partner who wasless than honest.
(17:40):
We'll just say that, ok.
And one of the things that thisbusiness partner this, this,
this client, I should saymentioned to me about the
business partner Was how shefelt like the business partner
never showed up for her, that itwasn't that she wasn't honest,
(18:05):
but as I listened to her speakabout money and how money didn't
show up for her and how moneywasn't honest.
In some way I could see athread that this business
partner was reflecting herbelief.
(18:26):
Like, really seriously, it'strue, our belief system attracts
into us relationships that willreflect those beliefs, and so
whenever we have relationshipsthat do not show up with mutual
respect, trust, space and love,well, we get to examine okay,
(18:48):
what is this person reallyreflecting to me?
And then we get to look back inour belief system and say, do I
believe that?
How high do I believe that?
On a scale of 1 to 10, how highdo I believe that?
And we move forward.
So, mutual respect, mutualtrust or self-respect,
(19:15):
self-trust and space.
Let's go into space next.
Space is something that we mustgive ourselves and I'll be
honest, this is the one thing.
Well, actually, I think, likewomen in general, kind of
struggle with all four of thesepillars when it comes to
themselves.
Women in general kind ofstruggle with all four of these
(19:36):
pillars when it comes tothemselves.
But mutual space is definitelyone thing that we really
struggle with.
When it comes to being a mother,being in our spaces, we feel
like we're constantly having toshare our personal spaces and in
some ways, that is true.
(19:56):
Okay, you know, I totally getthis too, like I'm a mom of six
kids right At this time.
Their ages range from 17 tothree, right, and there's a lot
of ruckus often that happens inmy home, and one of the things
I've been noticing lately is,instead of making it focus on me
(20:20):
, like the cleanliness of thehouse, I need to focus on them
and how them respectingthemselves is also a reflection
of their spaces.
That's shifted almosteverything into more of a.
(20:45):
I get to be in the space I wantto be because I'm surrounded by
people who respect themselvesand that shows in their spaces.
So, granted, they're stilllearning and that's something
hard to teach a three-year-oldright.
(21:06):
But this idea of self-respect issomething that hasn't like and
it's shocking, right, becausehere I have been talking about
self-respect for years, but it'snot something that they've
really caught on to To thedegree that I want them to.
So when we are all respectingourselves every single person,
(21:42):
person then it tends to shiftthe respect that we have in the
relationships around us.
And respecting our spaces isanother one of our boundaries,
right.
Whenever we have really goodboundaries with ourselves, and
again that reflects in ourspaces, then we also have really
good boundaries with ourselves,and again that reflects inner
spaces, then we also have reallygood boundaries with others.
Another boundary that I'verealized too, because you know,
(22:02):
my home is my workspace andtherefore my workspace needs to
feel clean and organized andtidy tidy.
And if it doesn't, or if I feellike, after I've organized
something and I've cleanedsomething and the kids mess it
(22:23):
up again, right, well, thatfeels really disrespectful and I
get to ask myself why, right,what boundary do I need to set?
Well, recently I've come tothis realization that if my
space is not feeling respectfulbecause, you know, one of my
kids has totally destroyed ormessed it up or they haven't
(22:44):
followed through with what theysaid they would do, well, I'm
not going to go to bed without aclean home anymore.
That's my personal choice.
And if I'm having to bank potsand pans around at midnight or
vacuum at midnight, or maybe Imight blast the music at
(23:09):
midnight so I can do what I needto do, right, if they don't
like that, that's their choice,that's their accountability.
Right, I'm not going to like,I'm just not going to worry
about their sleep.
If I'm also going to have to beawake because they didn't
(23:33):
follow through with their things, right, that's one way for me
to stay in respect in my spaceand respect in myself.
I'm not angry at them.
But the thing is is if, if weget to a point where actions are
(23:55):
like the people around us, iftheir actions are consistently
leading to a negative responsenot one like where we're yelling
and screaming because that'sactually breaking the respect
with ourselves, but just havingto do what we need to do and
them not necessarily liking thatWell, that's when behavior
(24:17):
changes and we need to do thesame thing for ourselves again.
Right, you need to take a lookand see like, are we possibly
breaking any of these boundarieswith ourselves?
If we feel like we have to yelland scream in order to make
(24:38):
ourselves heard and in order toget things done, well, is that
really in alignment with who wetruly are?
Does that align with therespect, the self-respect, the
self-trust?
Oftentimes it doesn't.
We feel guilty for yelling andscreaming, and so it puts us in
this really nasty position ofconstantly having to break our
(25:01):
own boundaries but staying stuckin the same result.
If you take a look at myboundary before that, my home is
going to be clean before I goto bed.
Sometimes that does mean that Ihave to stay up late, right,
when my family doesn't followthrough, but it's also meaning
(25:22):
they're going to have to stay uplate too, because I'm not going
to worry about them having aquiet rest when they didn't
follow through with what theysaid they were going to do.
I'm holding them actually totheir self-respect.
I'm not angry.
I can understand not wanting todo chores Right, I don't always
(25:47):
want to do them but when I holdmyself to that boundary, what
ends up happening is it holdseveryone else to the boundary as
well.
Last one is mutual love.
Last one is mutual love.
(26:11):
See, when we have respect, whenwe have trust and we have a
respectful and trustful space,this is where love can flourish,
because we really do appreciatethe people around us and the
way they show up in our lives.
When we love ourselves, becausewe're respectful, because we
(26:31):
trust ourselves, because we lovethe actions that we take, we
can recognize those samecharacteristics in other people
because we are living themourselves.
So what happens when we feellike we are like maybe we're
already married, we do all thisself work and maybe our spouse
(26:56):
isn't into it?
Awesome, that might mean theend of the relationship.
I'll be honest.
But one thing I've learned, too,is that, if we do feel like
we're in that space, the bestthing we can do for ourselves is
to love ourselves, respectourselves and trust ourselves
(27:19):
enough to create the space thatwe need to flourish to, to be
sustainable, to be on our own ifwe need to be and that's a good
thing, even if you're in ahealthy relationship, because
(27:41):
self-sustainability gives youfreedom, gives you freedom, and
it'll only give the person thatyou're married to or the people
that you're in your closestrelationships, the example and
the space to do the same.
Everything, everything startswith the relationship that you
(28:07):
have with yourself and seeingyourself, the way god sees you,
and that also takes a trust inhim, a trust in him that he did
create a miracle when he createdyou, and not just a miracle,
but something that hasincredible power that maybe
you're learning to use.
(28:27):
And when you're learning to usea power, just like any
superhero, there's going to besome times where that power is
used accidentally, but you willmaster these things if you trust
yourself enough.
(28:47):
Our relationships are a mirrorto something going on inside of
ourselves, and so if we wantmore healthy, supportive,
sustainable relationships thatare built upon mutual respect,
mutual trust, mutual space andmutual love, built upon mutual
(29:09):
respect, mutual trust, mutualspace and mutual love, then what
we must do is make sure we'regiving ourselves those things
first.
Now, if you guys want help withboundaries, please reach out.
Either I or stephanie will meetwith you and help you figure
out, like what are your trueboundaries and how you can start
(29:31):
stepping into them and reallyliving them today.
And also, if you guys areinterested, I am going to be
creating a course calledBoundaried Up where we're going
to be talking about how to havethat self-respect, self-trust,
like the self-space and theself-love through those
(29:54):
boundaries.
It is going to be a courseentirely online that you can
move through at your own space,and the best part about this is
the course is only $297 rightnow.
That's insanely low price and Ido have a couple of payment
(30:17):
options for you if needed.
If you're interested in theBoundaryDub course and you want
in, interested in the BoundaryedUp course and you want in, feel
free to reach out to me eitherthrough email,
erinandersonthetraumacoach atgmailcom, or find me on
(30:38):
Instagram,erinandersonthetraumacoach.
Reach out to Stephanie I willput some links to her in to how
to reach out to her as well orfind me on Facebook, erin
Anderson, betrayal TraumaCoaching, and let me know that
you want in on the boundariescourse and we will get you
(30:58):
signed up immediately and youcan start going through at your
own pace.
Okay, my loves.
Everybody deserves to haveboundaries.
Everybody deserves to havethese things, but it always
starts with how we show up forourselves first.
I will see you on the otherside.
Bye, my loves.
(31:28):
Okay, so I've got a question foryou.
Have you joined my freeFacebook group or Instagram page
yet?
If you haven't, go and do that,and this is the reason why I
always post my freebies, updatedinformation and all kinds of
(31:49):
goodies for my community in thatpage.
I'm also really active.
I post videos, I answerquestions.
So if you guys really reallywant to get in and interact with
me, go like me on Facebook.
Go join my group the Other Sideof the Struggle Healing from
Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Facebook.
Go join my group the Other Sideof the Struggle Healing from
Betrayal Trauma.
Come find me on Instagram, erinAnderson, betrayal Trauma Coach
(32:13):
, and come follow me, because Ialways have something good there
just for you, my audience and Ilove connecting with you there,
connecting with you there.
I also post anytime that I havegroups going on.
I talk sometimes about myprograms.
(32:33):
So if you guys are interestedin working with me or even just
following me and getting as muchfree content as you possibly
can, go hang out in my group, goconnect with the ladies that
are there.
Also, come and join.
Immune and Unashamed for thosemarried couples that are
following me.
(32:54):
No-transcript.
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