June 17, 2024 • 26 mins
What if understanding five simple love languages could revolutionize all your relationships—romantic and otherwise? Join me on this episode of "The Other Side of the Struggle" as we delve into the familiar yet ever-evolving concept of love languages—gifts, acts of service, words of affirmation, touch, and quality time. We'll explore how these love languages are not just for marriage but crucial for any relationship. But here's the twist: we'll also uncover five fundamental needs that every relationship relies on to truly thrive—feeling valued, seen, respected, cherished, and prioritized.
We'll unpack how these needs interplay and sometimes fluctuate, mirroring the dynamic nature of our connections. Are you feeling valued but not seen, or cherished but not prioritized? This episode will help you navigate these complexities. Plus, learn how self-respect underpins healthy relationships and get practical insights on overcoming self-rejection. Tune in to transform your approach to love and connection, ensuring you and your loved ones feel all the love you deserve.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
Don't forget! You can come join us at:
https://www.facebook.com/groups/theothersideofthestruggle
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode
of the other side of thestruggle.
So this week we're talkingabout the five love languages.
Now, this is something that isreally important to consider
because it's something that getsbrought up with almost every
single relationship Right, andthey kind of have something to
(00:24):
do with all of our relationships, even though I think they're
kind of more focused in marriagebecause, you know, marriages
need a lot of love to make themwork.
But you know, this is actuallya concept I've been thinking
about for a few days and I I waslike really thinking about it
(00:47):
and studying it and had somemajor epiphanies and I'm like,
oh, I have to do a podcast onthis.
Like, my listeners are going tolove this.
But before I get started,remember again, I would love to
boost my numbers a little bitmore guys with my podcast and my
(01:08):
followers on YouTube.
So please go like, subscribe onthe YouTube channel, go click
the five star rating on thepodcast so that way you know it
boosts, it does boost this andalso share with your friends,
tell them about this podcast andabout the youtube channel and
have them go check it out,because I definitely want, you
(01:30):
know, to help as many people asI can.
So, if you're loving it, giveme some love back.
And with that, let's go aheadand dive right in to the five
love languages and let me tellyou okay, this is crazy.
I let me tell you a little bitabout the love languages.
(01:54):
Like, we've got, you know,gifts, we've got acts of service
, we have words of affirmation,we have um oh touch and quality
time.
Right, we have five differentlove languages and you know,
(02:20):
therapists, coaches, people areconsistently talking about them
and saying you know, like weneed to learn how to speak each
other's love languages.
I'm not necessarily saying thatthat's not true, but the thing
is is with love languages isthey often change and evolve and
develop and grow, while aperson is changing, evolving,
(02:46):
developing and growing too, andthat's something we're going to
consistently do throughout life,right?
But in truth, I would say thatrelationships actually have five
things that they need in orderto thrive and survive, and our
(03:09):
love languages actually point toeach one of those five things,
and those five things are value.
People want to be valued in therelationship.
Thumbs up, guys, okay.
People want to be valued in therelationship.
(03:30):
They want to be seen, they wantto be respected, they want to
be cherished and they want to beprioritized.
So there's five things that allrelationships need.
I'm going to go over them onemore time.
Okay, value there's being seen,being respected, being
(04:00):
cherished and being prioritized.
Being cherished and beingprioritized Now there's going to
be times in our relationshipswhere, you know, we have all
different types of levels.
Maybe sometimes we're feelingrespected, but maybe not
necessarily prioritized.
Maybe we're feeling valued, butnot necessarily seen right.
(04:25):
Sometimes we're going to befeeling cherished, but not
necessarily always prioritizedor valued right.
So I know you think you wouldthink you'd feel all of them at
the same time, but it's notnecessarily the case.
Sometimes we just need a littlebit more cherishing, sometimes
we need a little moreprioritizing, sometimes we need
(04:45):
a little more valued Right.
But then there's also othertimes when in your relationships
, all five of them are low, andthat's kind of when I come in to
the picture is because, youknow, people really do lack a
(05:09):
lot of self-respect, and you cancheck out my last episode where
I talked about like makingmistakes.
Right, we make mistakes and wefeel like we can't forgive
ourselves and that we shouldn'tbe valued, that we shouldn't be
important, we shouldn't beprioritized, like all these
different things, and so we tendto learn to reject love, and
(05:30):
it's the way it shows up.
That being said, but we alsodon't give ourselves the love,
the respect, the seen-ness, thecherished-ness, prioritized-ness
(05:51):
that we deserve.
And sometimes we do, but theother person isn't giving those
things to themselves, and so,you know, we're still feeling
kind of low.
There's lots of different waysrelationships move and there's a
lot of different interchangesin relationships, right, um?
(06:15):
But for example, let's let's goahead and go with the example of
, um, say, a husband and a wifewhere the husband has been
looking at pornography and thewife, her love, her feelings of
love, are very low, becauseshe's feeling unseen, she's
feeling disrespected, she's notfeeling prioritized, she's not
(06:37):
feeling cherished and she'sdefinitely not feeling valued.
Right, and her husband he's agood man, struggles a lot with
things, but he doesn't want herto hurt.
He's not sure how to drop theaddiction, yet he wants to.
(07:04):
He's just not sure how to, andhe sees the hurt that he's put
on his wife, so he wants to fixit for her, and the first thing
he does is he goes out and buysher jewelry, or he goes out and
buys her flowers, or he goes outand buys her all these lavish,
wonderful gifts.
But the problem is, is nowshe's feeling even more betrayed
(07:30):
, like he can buy her love?
That's a problem that I see alot we're going into.
Why in just a second?
So he decides well, maybe Ineed to give her massages, or
(07:53):
maybe I just need to hug hermore, maybe I need to give her
kisses.
But she pulls away, she doesn'twant to be touched by him, and
so at this point he gives up andhe says well, I just can't make
her happy.
She's never going to be happy,she's never going to be
satisfied with me, never, never,never, never, never, right?
(08:17):
So there's those things.
Um, so there's those things,but what's the truth of the
matter is is when those lovelanguages are low, we really
need instead to focus on thegateways to opening that
(08:39):
relationship back back up andhelping it flourish.
Okay, because the thing of thematter is is, people do want to
be seen, they do like, they dowant to be valued, they do want
to be cherished.
They do, they absolutely do.
But it feels ingenuine whenit's coming from someone who has
(09:01):
been in a state of betrayal,when it's coming from someone
who has been in a state ofbetrayal.
But what is not ingenuine isactually telling someone why you
love them.
Those words of affirmationright, because they're being
(09:22):
seen in those moments.
They're also being seen whentheir pain is being recognized,
their pain is being validated,their pain that maybe has been
unconsciously and accidentallycreated by, you know, one or the
other partner Isn't beingdismissed.
That's a word of affirmation,not just how wonderful and
(09:47):
amazing someone is, but also Ican understand why you'd feel
that way.
That's valid.
You have every right to feelthe way you do.
I'd feel that way.
That's a word of affirmation.
Another thing is acts of serviceRespecting somebody's time,
(10:10):
respecting their talents, givingthem the opportunity to rest.
That is also something that isusually very genuine and that
can come with words ofaffirmation and quality time.
(10:31):
Making sure, like if thehusband would actually make sure
that he was planning dates,paying for the, making sure they
were fun.
Also making sure that if sheneeded to share how she was
really feeling that she had asafe place in him.
Those are all so incrediblyimportant.
(10:54):
And then he's able to bring inthe gifts as well as the
physical touch.
And then all of a sudden,things shift and change and grow
, because the truth of thematter is, when we are giving
(11:17):
words of affirmations, we areseeing someone, truly seeing
someone.
There's that one physical needor that one love language need.
That need in that relationshipis to be seen.
When they're taking time,quality time, for that person,
they're feeling prioritized.
(11:38):
When they're serving, when theyare giving those acts of
service, they are respecting,they're respecting their time,
they're respecting their energy,they're respecting who they are
(12:00):
, because they know exactly howto get in and serve that person
Right, who they are, becausethey know exactly how to get in
and serve that person Right.
And then we begin to feel andaccept the value and the gifts
and being cherished, thatphysical touch this is why the
(12:22):
five love languages have workedso well is because they do nod
to the five different thingsthat every relationship needs
Value, cherished, seen,prioritized and respected Right
Now.
There's one problem, though,with the five love languages it
(12:47):
has been taught in such a waythat you only need to focus on
one.
The truth of the matter is, isrelationships need all five of
those love languages to thrive.
We actually need to do all fiveof them, maybe one of them a
little more than the others anda few of them a little less than
(13:07):
the others.
Take the situation with thehusband and wife right, he
needed to do more acts ofservice, words of affirmation
and quality time more than whathe did.
The gifts and the touch, right.
(13:27):
So it wasn't about just onething.
It wasn't about just elevatingjust one thing.
It's about elevating the loveby doing all five at some point.
Okay.
(13:50):
And the thing is is, if youtruly do love somebody, you
naturally do all five of thoseBecause you do want them to be
seen, valued, cherished,respected and prioritized.
What about, say, anentrepreneur and working with a
(14:14):
client?
Right?
We definitely want to speakthese love languages to them as
well, because our clientsespecially for me, you know, as
a coach and as an influencer, Iwant my clients and my followers
to know that I see them, I hearthem, I love and that's part of
(14:36):
being seen, seen and heard.
I love them, I respect them, Iprioritize them, I uh, I cherish
them, like all of the differentthings that happen when you
know we're in relationships.
I may do like a freemasterclass right To serve my
(15:09):
people.
A gift I have freebies that Igive away Right.
Touch, uh, touch.
Now I can't just re like,physically reach out through the
(15:29):
screen and like touch someone,right, but, uh, I do actually
get get out and um meet with myclients and we I've gone to
lunch many times with clients.
I uh do nights of healings withsome of my clients, right Like,
so I'm actually getting out andtouching them.
But there's also other ways totouch.
(15:51):
Have you ever heard of somebodysay like I feel so touched when
we deeply connect to someoneand we deeply understand them
and we write for them or wespeak to them, give them hope,
give them clarity and help themfeel amazing, they're going to
feel touched, right.
(16:13):
And so there's more than oneway we can touch someone and
help them feel cherished.
And then you have to forgive me, guys, I notes and I'm I'm
looking at my notes, but, um,all right, let's see, we've
talked about prioritized, seeingvalued and then respected.
(16:35):
Like I said, these are allthings that my clients also need
to feel from me.
So, um, we may, like I said, wemight do like tours, we might
give out freebies, we might uhconnect in any single way we
possibly can with you, just sothat way you feel like you can
(16:59):
have an amazing experience withus, because that is exactly what
relationships are Having goodexperiences with other people.
So, yeah, love languages aregreat.
I have nothing at all againstlove languages, because it helps
(17:20):
us to realize that what theyare needing to feel from us
specifically and the actionthat's associated with that
feeling Right, because ifsomebody's wanting to feel
prioritized, we know for a factthat we need to work on our
(17:42):
quality time.
If they're wanting to feel seen, then we need to work on our
words of affirmation.
If they are wanting to feelrespected, we need to work on
the service.
If they want to feel cherished,how can you touch them?
How can they feel touched, feelcherished?
(18:06):
How can you touch them?
How can they feel touched andhow?
If they're wanting to feelvalued, well, what gift can you
give them?
Okay, I hope this was helpfulfor you guys and again, don't
forget to like and subscribe.
Go give the um podcast afive-star review, the podcast a
(18:27):
five-star review.
If you're loving this contentand if there's anything that you
guys would love more from me,please don't hesitate to reach
out Erin Anderson BetrayalTrauma Coaching on Facebook and
let me know if you'd love me totalk about a podcast episode or
if there's a podcast episode.
You'd really love to seeanything like that.
Or if you would love to talkone-on-one with me, let's
(18:48):
schedule that too.
I am taking on clients rightnow and, um, just booking
conversations to help peoplefeel loved, seen and like
they've got hope again.
All right, my loves until nextweek.
I'll see you on the other side.
Bye.
Hey, my loves, welcome back to another episode
of the other side of thestruggle.
So this week we're talkingabout the five love languages.
Now, this is something that isreally important to consider
because it's something that getsbrought up with almost every
single relationship Right, andthey kind of have something to
(00:24):
do with all of our relationships, even though I think they're
kind of more focused in marriagebecause, you know, marriages
need a lot of love to make themwork.
But you know, this is actuallya concept I've been thinking
about for a few days and I I waslike really thinking about it
(00:47):
and studying it and had somemajor epiphanies and I'm like,
oh, I have to do a podcast onthis.
Like, my listeners are going tolove this.
But before I get started,remember again, I would love to
boost my numbers a little bitmore guys with my podcast and my
(01:08):
followers on YouTube.
So please go like, subscribe onthe YouTube channel, go click
the five star rating on thepodcast so that way you know it
boosts, it does boost this andalso share with your friends,
tell them about this podcast andabout the youtube channel and
have them go check it out,because I definitely want, you
(01:30):
know, to help as many people asI can.
So, if you're loving it, giveme some love back.
And with that, let's go aheadand dive right in to the five
love languages and let me tellyou okay, this is crazy.
I let me tell you a little bitabout the love languages.
(01:54):
Like, we've got, you know,gifts, we've got acts of service
, we have words of affirmation,we have um oh touch and quality
time.
Right, we have five differentlove languages and you know,
(02:20):
therapists, coaches, people areconsistently talking about them
and saying you know, like weneed to learn how to speak each
other's love languages.
I'm not necessarily saying thatthat's not true, but the thing
is is with love languages isthey often change and evolve and
develop and grow, while aperson is changing, evolving,
(02:46):
developing and growing too, andthat's something we're going to
consistently do throughout life,right?
But in truth, I would say thatrelationships actually have five
things that they need in orderto thrive and survive, and our
(03:09):
love languages actually point toeach one of those five things,
and those five things are value.
People want to be valued in therelationship.
Thumbs up, guys, okay.
People want to be valued in therelationship.
(03:30):
They want to be seen, they wantto be respected, they want to
be cherished and they want to beprioritized.
So there's five things that allrelationships need.
I'm going to go over them onemore time.
Okay, value there's being seen,being respected, being
(04:00):
cherished and being prioritized.
Being cherished and beingprioritized Now there's going to
be times in our relationshipswhere, you know, we have all
different types of levels.
Maybe sometimes we're feelingrespected, but maybe not
necessarily prioritized.
Maybe we're feeling valued, butnot necessarily seen right.
(04:25):
Sometimes we're going to befeeling cherished, but not
necessarily always prioritizedor valued right.
So I know you think you wouldthink you'd feel all of them at
the same time, but it's notnecessarily the case.
Sometimes we just need a littlebit more cherishing, sometimes
we need a little moreprioritizing, sometimes we need
(04:45):
a little more valued Right.
But then there's also othertimes when in your relationships
, all five of them are low, andthat's kind of when I come in to
the picture is because, youknow, people really do lack a
(05:09):
lot of self-respect, and you cancheck out my last episode where
I talked about like makingmistakes.
Right, we make mistakes and wefeel like we can't forgive
ourselves and that we shouldn'tbe valued, that we shouldn't be
important, we shouldn't beprioritized, like all these
different things, and so we tendto learn to reject love, and
(05:30):
it's the way it shows up.
That being said, but we alsodon't give ourselves the love,
the respect, the seen-ness, thecherished-ness, prioritized-ness
(05:51):
that we deserve.
And sometimes we do, but theother person isn't giving those
things to themselves, and so,you know, we're still feeling
kind of low.
There's lots of different waysrelationships move and there's a
lot of different interchangesin relationships, right, um?
(06:15):
But for example, let's let's goahead and go with the example of
, um, say, a husband and a wifewhere the husband has been
looking at pornography and thewife, her love, her feelings of
love, are very low, becauseshe's feeling unseen, she's
feeling disrespected, she's notfeeling prioritized, she's not
(06:37):
feeling cherished and she'sdefinitely not feeling valued.
Right, and her husband he's agood man, struggles a lot with
things, but he doesn't want herto hurt.
He's not sure how to drop theaddiction, yet he wants to.
(07:04):
He's just not sure how to, andhe sees the hurt that he's put
on his wife, so he wants to fixit for her, and the first thing
he does is he goes out and buysher jewelry, or he goes out and
buys her flowers, or he goes outand buys her all these lavish,
wonderful gifts.
But the problem is, is nowshe's feeling even more betrayed
(07:30):
, like he can buy her love?
That's a problem that I see alot we're going into.
Why in just a second?
So he decides well, maybe Ineed to give her massages, or
(07:53):
maybe I just need to hug hermore, maybe I need to give her
kisses.
But she pulls away, she doesn'twant to be touched by him, and
so at this point he gives up andhe says well, I just can't make
her happy.
She's never going to be happy,she's never going to be
satisfied with me, never, never,never, never, never, right?
(08:17):
So there's those things.
Um, so there's those things,but what's the truth of the
matter is is when those lovelanguages are low, we really
need instead to focus on thegateways to opening that
(08:39):
relationship back back up andhelping it flourish.
Okay, because the thing of thematter is is, people do want to
be seen, they do like, they dowant to be valued, they do want
to be cherished.
They do, they absolutely do.
But it feels ingenuine whenit's coming from someone who has
(09:01):
been in a state of betrayal,when it's coming from someone
who has been in a state ofbetrayal.
But what is not ingenuine isactually telling someone why you
love them.
Those words of affirmationright, because they're being
(09:22):
seen in those moments.
They're also being seen whentheir pain is being recognized,
their pain is being validated,their pain that maybe has been
unconsciously and accidentallycreated by, you know, one or the
other partner Isn't beingdismissed.
That's a word of affirmation,not just how wonderful and
(09:47):
amazing someone is, but also Ican understand why you'd feel
that way.
That's valid.
You have every right to feelthe way you do.
I'd feel that way.
That's a word of affirmation.
Another thing is acts of serviceRespecting somebody's time,
(10:10):
respecting their talents, givingthem the opportunity to rest.
That is also something that isusually very genuine and that
can come with words ofaffirmation and quality time.
(10:31):
Making sure, like if thehusband would actually make sure
that he was planning dates,paying for the, making sure they
were fun.
Also making sure that if sheneeded to share how she was
really feeling that she had asafe place in him.
Those are all so incrediblyimportant.
(10:54):
And then he's able to bring inthe gifts as well as the
physical touch.
And then all of a sudden,things shift and change and grow
, because the truth of thematter is, when we are giving
(11:17):
words of affirmations, we areseeing someone, truly seeing
someone.
There's that one physical needor that one love language need.
That need in that relationshipis to be seen.
When they're taking time,quality time, for that person,
they're feeling prioritized.
(11:38):
When they're serving, when theyare giving those acts of
service, they are respecting,they're respecting their time,
they're respecting their energy,they're respecting who they are
(12:00):
, because they know exactly howto get in and serve that person
Right, who they are, becausethey know exactly how to get in
and serve that person Right.
And then we begin to feel andaccept the value and the gifts
and being cherished, thatphysical touch this is why the
(12:22):
five love languages have workedso well is because they do nod
to the five different thingsthat every relationship needs
Value, cherished, seen,prioritized and respected Right
Now.
There's one problem, though,with the five love languages it
(12:47):
has been taught in such a waythat you only need to focus on
one.
The truth of the matter is, isrelationships need all five of
those love languages to thrive.
We actually need to do all fiveof them, maybe one of them a
little more than the others anda few of them a little less than
(13:07):
the others.
Take the situation with thehusband and wife right, he
needed to do more acts ofservice, words of affirmation
and quality time more than whathe did.
The gifts and the touch, right.
(13:27):
So it wasn't about just onething.
It wasn't about just elevatingjust one thing.
It's about elevating the loveby doing all five at some point.
Okay.
(13:50):
And the thing is is, if youtruly do love somebody, you
naturally do all five of thoseBecause you do want them to be
seen, valued, cherished,respected and prioritized.
What about, say, anentrepreneur and working with a
(14:14):
client?
Right?
We definitely want to speakthese love languages to them as
well, because our clientsespecially for me, you know, as
a coach and as an influencer, Iwant my clients and my followers
to know that I see them, I hearthem, I love and that's part of
(14:36):
being seen, seen and heard.
I love them, I respect them, Iprioritize them, I uh, I cherish
them, like all of the differentthings that happen when you
know we're in relationships.
I may do like a freemasterclass right To serve my
(15:09):
people.
A gift I have freebies that Igive away Right.
Touch, uh, touch.
Now I can't just re like,physically reach out through the
(15:29):
screen and like touch someone,right, but, uh, I do actually
get get out and um meet with myclients and we I've gone to
lunch many times with clients.
I uh do nights of healings withsome of my clients, right Like,
so I'm actually getting out andtouching them.
But there's also other ways totouch.
(15:51):
Have you ever heard of somebodysay like I feel so touched when
we deeply connect to someoneand we deeply understand them
and we write for them or wespeak to them, give them hope,
give them clarity and help themfeel amazing, they're going to
feel touched, right.
(16:13):
And so there's more than oneway we can touch someone and
help them feel cherished.
And then you have to forgive me, guys, I notes and I'm I'm
looking at my notes, but, um,all right, let's see, we've
talked about prioritized, seeingvalued and then respected.
(16:35):
Like I said, these are allthings that my clients also need
to feel from me.
So, um, we may, like I said, wemight do like tours, we might
give out freebies, we might uhconnect in any single way we
possibly can with you, just sothat way you feel like you can
(16:59):
have an amazing experience withus, because that is exactly what
relationships are Having goodexperiences with other people.
So, yeah, love languages aregreat.
I have nothing at all againstlove languages, because it helps
(17:20):
us to realize that what theyare needing to feel from us
specifically and the actionthat's associated with that
feeling Right, because ifsomebody's wanting to feel
prioritized, we know for a factthat we need to work on our
(17:42):
quality time.
If they're wanting to feel seen, then we need to work on our
words of affirmation.
If they are wanting to feelrespected, we need to work on
the service.
If they want to feel cherished,how can you touch them?
How can they feel touched, feelcherished?
(18:06):
How can you touch them?
How can they feel touched andhow?
If they're wanting to feelvalued, well, what gift can you
give them?
Okay, I hope this was helpfulfor you guys and again, don't
forget to like and subscribe.
Go give the um podcast afive-star review, the podcast a
(18:27):
five-star review.
If you're loving this contentand if there's anything that you
guys would love more from me,please don't hesitate to reach
out Erin Anderson BetrayalTrauma Coaching on Facebook and
let me know if you'd love me totalk about a podcast episode or
if there's a podcast episode.
You'd really love to seeanything like that.
Or if you would love to talkone-on-one with me, let's
(18:48):
schedule that too.
I am taking on clients rightnow and, um, just booking
conversations to help peoplefeel loved, seen and like
they've got hope again.
All right, my loves until nextweek.
I'll see you on the other side.
Bye.
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Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
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