May 6, 2024 • 63 mins
Uncover the hidden layers of protective instincts as we dissect the complex reasons why women often stand as the unsolicited shield for men in their lives. We'll venture into the terrain of the 'nice guy' archetype and the paradox of men with addictions, which we humorously yet thoughtfully categorize as mild, medium, and jalapeno. Each holds its own set of unique challenges that can strain the fabric of a relationship, and we're here to pull at those threads, revealing patterns you might recognize in your own life.
It's a nuanced dance of historical roles and psychological factors that lead women to defend their partners, sometimes against their better judgment. This episode peels back the layers of societal conditioning and the tug-of-war between survival instincts and the nurturing instinct. We put a spotlight on creating safe exit strategies, recognizing the courage it takes to trust one's instincts, and the resources available for those who need to leave with discretion. Our conversation also underscores the importance of not just being heard but of hearing oneself amidst the noise of societal expectations.
Wrapping up, we approach the vital topic of setting boundaries in relationships with finesse, examining how to communicate needs with respect and love rather than defense mechanisms. Sharing a powerful testimony from a client who learned to navigate these turbulent waters, we highlight the transformation possible when one stops defending and starts communicating. Join us for an episode that promises not just insights but empowerment, as we affirm the significance of staying true to oneself in the face of adversity and connection.
If you would like to book a free coaching call click on this link to schedule a time:
https://calendly.com/stephaniewheeldonbetrayaltraumacoaching/privateclient
Get your free "Creating and Clarifying Boundaries" PDF here!
https://www.erinandersonthetraumacoach.com/ClarifyandCreateBoundaries
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the
other side of the struggle.
Today we are going to talkabout why we defend guys that do
not need our defending.
Okay, because let me just saythis like not all men are like
(00:20):
physical abusers.
They're not all the jalapeno,they're not all you know really,
really bad guys.
And if you listened to one ofmy past episodes about the nice
guy and the nice guy syndromeand that's actually a couple of
different episodes there there'sthe one I also have with Trevor
(00:41):
Henniger, which talks about thenice guy as well Oftentimes we
do have a nice guy, but we canstill feel very abandoned by the
nice guy.
He's not going to be mean to you, he's not going to hurt you
necessarily physically, but youalso still are left feeling
(01:03):
abandoned by him.
So why on earth do we defendhim?
Why on earth do we defend men?
Well, number one, let me saythis, and this might be kind of
controversial to some of you,but the truth of the matter is
(01:25):
is women actually really lovemen that can show up to protect
them?
When men aren't showing up thatway for us, then what we tend
to do is step into a very kindof masculine energy and protect.
Instead, we become theprotectors and since he's part
(01:51):
of our relationships, he fallsunder the protecting guys.
We need to protect him right.
We need to slay the dragonwhile he hides behind us in
shining white armor, screamingbecause there's a dragon and
(02:13):
here we are, the damsel fightingit off.
There's a big problem with that.
Guys actually need to feel likethey have something to protect.
A good guy, a kind guy, he isnot afraid to step into
(02:34):
confrontation, he's not afraidto stand for truth, he's not
afraid to stand for something,whereas the nice guy is
something, whereas the nice guyis.
(02:54):
But sometimes we also have thejalapeno.
So let me explain a couple ofthings to you here.
Okay, if you remember, I usuallycategorize men who have
addictions in three differentways.
You have the mild, the mediumand the jalapeno.
The nice guys are often in themild section, which you know we
do like these guys.
These guys are a little bitmore easy to get along with.
(03:19):
They're not super violent, butthey're also not really there.
We tend to not be able to getsupport from them because
they're too busy trying tofigure out life.
They're too busy trying tofigure out what the heck is
going on with them and it scaresthe heck out of them and like
(03:42):
they're willing to say thatsomething isn't right, if
they're willing to admit thatthey have faults and they're
willing to admit that they needto do something differently.
But we still are left feelingvery abandoned by them because
they struggle with confrontation.
The medium, on the other hand,is kind of a jerk.
(04:10):
They tend to blame, deflect,put everything back on you,
blame you.
Gaslight, like this is kind ofwhere we get into the medium.
They tend to have verynarcissistic tendencies and
could even be narcissisticthemselves.
(04:32):
We tend to think of the mediumas just a big jerk.
They're not a nice guy, and theworld knows it, but they're not
necessarily dangerous either totheir allies.
The jalapeno, on the other hand, is now.
(04:56):
This is the guy who knows ragevery well, and the littlest
thing will set him off.
The littlest triggers will sethim off, and we often feel like
we don't know what's going toset him off, because it's so
(05:18):
tiny and so little that mostpeople wouldn't get set off by
this.
But he does, and so he goesinto a ball of rage and whoever
is in his way is the one that'sgoing to get beaten.
Sometimes, not only do they getinto the narcissistic and
(05:44):
sociopathic tendencies as well,but sometimes they really do
just have sadistic wants, andthose wants involve seeing
someone else suffer.
They somehow get pleasure outof it.
Sometimes it does mean thatthere's just a very wounded
little boy in there, but itdoesn't always mean that it's
(06:08):
just that.
Sometimes people really do wantus to suffer.
That's a sad thing.
It is a really sad thing toconsider that that is something
that could possibly be happening.
But when people watch otherpeople suffer because of their
(06:31):
actions, it gives them sometimesa very twisted sense of control
, and this is why we have to bevery, very careful with how we
respond and how we react when itcomes to defending and
protecting someone that reallyneeds to step up and defend and
(06:55):
protect himself and his family,because this is something that
the masculine is very good at.
It is not the role for thewoman, but oftentimes we find
ourselves there because theworld for women is a very scary
place.
Women in general do not trustmen.
(07:21):
We feel like we are the preyand they are the predator, and
we often have to take our timewith a man in order to feel safe
.
And that's an okay thing firstimpressions really do matter,
(07:47):
but so do second, third andfourth.
It's really important that wewatch how someone responds.
A man responds for a whilebefore we ever consider getting
into a relationship with thembefore we ever consider getting
(08:07):
into a relationship with them.
However, if you already are ina relationship with a man and
you've realized that he might befalling into one of these
categories the mild, the mediumor the jalapeno then it's time
to start looking at some thingsa little deeper.
So let's dive into why womendefend men.
(08:30):
Number one it's a survivaltechnique.
Ok, I talk to women all thetime who are defending their
husbands even though he's beenlooking at porn, maybe he's
cheated on her, all these things, and there's all kinds like
(08:51):
maybe he does feel remorseful,maybe he does feel bad, or maybe
he's blaming her, or maybe hejust doesn't care.
Okay, it's still a survivalthing the way that women and men
are balanced, and it's not thatthis is bad, but it does create
(09:15):
a very interesting dynamic whenwe have very unhealthy actions
and very unhealthy thoughts.
It is such actions and veryunhealthy thoughts.
It is such that men still insociety do tend to make the most
(09:35):
money, while women tend to stayhome with the children.
Now there are a lot more womeneither stepping outside of the
home or making money behind acomputer, like I do, right, who
are for her to go out and make aliving that will support her
(10:11):
family without a man.
Now, I'm not saying this is afeminist movement type of a
thing, like girl power kind of athing.
I'm not saying that it isnatural for a man to assume the
role of provider and protector,while the woman resumes the role
(10:35):
of creator and nurturer.
That is very natural.
Anybody you talk to that getsinto the masculine and the
feminine roles and energy willtell you this that the man is
very much like the clamshell andthe woman is like the pearl.
The man creates containment forthe woman and the woman gets to
(10:59):
shine, create, shine, create.
The man literally focuses allof his energy into her so that
way she can focus all of herenergy into the kids.
The problem in today's societyand this is what pornography
does is it makes men fall asleepto this, completely abandon,
(11:23):
abandoning the woman andtherefore the woman not being
able to actually properly carefor her children the way that
she wants to.
It happens a lot, unfortunately.
We really do need men insociety, like it is a big need
and men understand theirmasculine roles, like it is a
(11:44):
big need and men understandtheir masculine roles.
But If she's defending him,she's most likely trying to be
in survival.
She's trying to protect andprovide for their kids.
She understands that he isbringing in the money and if she
(12:10):
stops defending him, well thenshe's going to have to
acknowledge that somewhere inthe back of her head she's
really thinking about leavingand divorce.
But the idea is terrifying toher because how is she going to
support the family and still bea mother?
She knows this.
Oftentimes these women also havevery low self-esteem and
(12:34):
self-worth.
Um, I talk to women constantlywho are in betrayal trauma, and
this is a big problem.
They think they're beratingthemselves for not getting their
education.
They're berating themselves fornot having any marketable
skills.
They're berating themselves,berating themselves, berating
(12:55):
themselves.
I'm a bad wife, I'm a bad mom.
Somehow it must be my fault,and that can be a survival
technique too.
We defend because we don't wantto actually face that it's our
fault, which it's not.
Let me just say that.
(13:15):
But if we think it is and we'realready sitting here struggling
with our self-worth, saying toourselves in some way that we
are the ones at fault can causeus to completely abandon
ourselves, and we're alreadybeing abandoned.
That is a terrifying andincredibly scary thought.
(13:41):
Perhaps you are dealing with ajalapeno.
Well then you also understandthat if you don't defend him, if
you call the cops and he getsthrown in jail, he's going to
come out more dangerous and moreexplosive and more abusive.
(14:06):
You understand that, and sothese are things that you are
worried about.
You don't have things togetheryet to leave while he's in jail,
and the most dangerous time fora woman or any victim of
(14:27):
domestic abuse, physical abuse,is when she's leaving, when
she's making her exit plan, andthis is why you have to do it so
carefully and so quietly.
This is why one of the thingsthat I say often is to agree
(15:00):
with him, maybe verbally, playthe game, but you need to stay
focused in your mind of whatyour exit strategy is, because
you need to stay safe, and theonly way to stay safe with an
explosive jalapeno is to makethem feel safe.
(15:21):
You need to stay safe.
You need to make sure that youare going to be okay, that you
and the kids are going to beokay.
You have to get an exitstrategy together, and there are
resources, there are peopleonline that can help you with
that.
So if you're finding yourselfin this kind of a situation, you
(15:51):
need to get some help, for sure, but you need to do it in a way
where he cannot find out.
Now some women also in thissituation are going to say, well
, that's deceptive.
No, that's called staying safe.
Your safety does matter and youdo not owe someone who is
(16:19):
threatening you physically orhurting you physically anything
other than getting out.
But you need to do so socarefully.
Please find places that willsupport you.
Um, a good idea is, if you'regoing to search something like
(16:40):
that, up, get to a library whereyour search history cannot be
viewed, or ask a friend, someoneto, if you have some support,
someone to mediate for you.
But if you have to doeverything by yourself, if you
(17:02):
truly are alone in this, thereare places.
If you can get away for alittle bit, there are places
where you can go to get somehelp and places where you can
get online and search how to getthat help, make a phone call,
all of these other things to getthat exit strategy together.
(17:22):
Okay, all of these other thingsto get that exit strategy
together.
Okay, number two oftentimeswomen defend abusive men or
their nice guy because she'sbeen taught to disbelieve
herself in her own experiences.
I often talk to women who havesevere childhood and
(17:43):
developmental trauma wheresomewhere and this is also kind
of a thing in society somewhereshe's been taught to disbelieve
herself.
Little girls are there to sitdown and be quiet and look
pretty.
That's what she's been taught.
Sit down and be quiet and lookpretty.
(18:05):
That's what she's been taught.
And a lot of women have beentaught to not have a voice, and
this stems from being taught toquestion her own experiences and
thoughts over that, oversomeone else.
That someone else needs to dothe thinking for them, and
(18:27):
oftentimes that's what's.
That is exactly what happens.
Because she cannot trust herown mind and her own experiences
, she's going to think that it'sher fault somehow.
She's going to think that whatis happening she has something
(18:48):
to do with, that she's not safebecause, again, she can't trust
herself.
The truth is with someone elsebesides her, and so we defend,
we defend and we defend and wedefend someone that is hurting
us.
She really wants to believehe's a nice guy and that there
(19:11):
is hope for the relationship andbecause women do find security
in their relationship with theirspouses or their boyfriends or
their guys.
We want guys around us, wetruly do, but we want them to be
safe, and so when there is nosafety, we are hoping and
(19:37):
praying that he's a nice guy andthat there is hope for the
relationship.
But the more we defend, themore we reiterate in the nice
guy that he is not capable ofprotection, that he needs to be
(19:59):
afraid of confrontation and hein a sense needs to fear his own
masculinity.
Number three they don't feellike they have outside support.
Oftentimes women have beenisolated.
They're far from their families.
Sometimes their families arejust as toxic as what the
(20:22):
husband or the boyfriend is,because they have their own
mental issues.
This is something she isfamiliar with and knows well.
We tend to get intorelationships that feel familiar
to us, and so if we feel likewe've been abandoned by our
(20:43):
parents and our siblings orwhoever else, we tend to want
that in our relationships,believe it or not, because it's
familiar and we know how tonavigate.
Familiar.
I often think of this kind oflike.
I call this like the feralkitten syndrome, right,
(21:07):
obviously, a little cat is faroff, as far better off with a
human, but a little tiny feralkitten is going to be scared of
a human.
The kitten is familiar with thestruggle of survival, the
(21:29):
kitten is familiar with theferalness.
The kitten is familiar with thedanger around it and it's not
familiar with humans, which arethe safest place for this kitten
.
This is why the kitten reactsso hissing and spitting and
(21:53):
clawing and scratching isbecause the human is not the
familiarity thing.
The protection, the safe place,is not familiar thing.
The protection, the safe place,is not familiar.
It knows how to navigateunfamiliar, but it doesn't know
how to relax.
I mean, I should say it knowshow to navigate the scary, but
(22:27):
it doesn't know how to relax inthe protection.
And we tend to do this often,you know, with ourselves, I
think, and our relationships.
It really is a feral kittenkind of a syndrome.
So let's talk about numberthree.
They don't feel like they haveoutside support, right, right.
(22:48):
So if we're more familiar withthe the unsafe than what we are
with the safe, this is whatwe're going to look for.
Um, you know, I had a client awhile ago, uh, and this is one
of the things that she really,really struggled with.
She kept finding herself insituations with men, um, and
(23:10):
actually other people, otherwomen as well where she was left
feeling hopeless, uh, at risk,abused, taken advantage of, she
was being stolen from, like.
The chaos in her life wasinsane, and a large part of it
(23:36):
is because this is what she wasfamiliar with with.
She was far more familiar withthe chaos and the corruption
that people put forward to her,and so peace was actually
threatening.
She knew how to navigate thewaters of chaos, but she did not
(24:01):
know how to navigate the watersof peace.
Sometimes they often aren'tbelieved to.
I know that it's really hardfor people who haven't seen how
(24:21):
vile somebody can be to believethat those things are really out
there.
And you know, I'll be honest,even me, I was shocked one day
when somebody told me about howthey had endured satanic ritual
(24:43):
abuse, and I'm not going to gointo that story.
But I didn't realize thatpeople could, like I myself did
not realize that people could bethat sadistic.
Do I believe her?
Yes, but one of the things thatshe herself has come up against
is the fact that not manypeople do.
(25:03):
They have a hard time believingthat somebody could be that
corrupt, that evil.
Or again, he's the nice guyright, he's such a nice guy.
But nice guys have that Jekylland Hyde.
(25:25):
They look one way, sometimes onthe inside or when they're
behind closed doors, they behavea completely different way.
So they don't see what thevictim sees and therefore tend
to not believe.
(25:48):
And there are often and that'snot always their fault either
there are some times that peoplethrow out these accusations of
abuse when there really wasn'tand there really wasn't.
They just want to get the otherperson in trouble.
But the problem with that isthat does damage the ability for
(26:11):
people to help those who trulyare at risk.
There are so many people thathave cried wolf in abuse just
because they want to see someoneelse suffer.
It's a narcissistic thing andthat causes those that really
(26:35):
are in abusive situations tooften not be believed, to often
not be believed.
I've also heard of women whohave gone to clergy
(26:55):
no-transcript.
The abuse isn't even addressed.
She's told things like you needto give him more sex, you need
to give him, or you need to puthis needs first, or any other
kind of toxic thing.
(27:16):
That is not helpful, and so itkeeps these women in the cycles
of abuse for a longer timeBecause they're trying to do
what they think God wants themto do Instead of addressing the
abuse.
And instead of addressing theproblem, they're looking at a
(27:40):
failed marriage as the problem,but divorce in those cases is
not the problem.
That very well might be thesolution, and it's definitely
something that needs to be seenif we're really truly going to
(28:03):
help other people through thesethings.
And if someone is defending anddefending, and defending and
defending another person, evenwhen especially when nobody is
saying anything bad about theother person anyway and you're
wondering why is this persondefending them other person
anyway and you're wondering whyis this person defending them?
(28:24):
The likelihood is is there'spossibly some abuse going on.
Oftentimes, too, they feel likethey have nowhere else to go.
They don't have family, theydon't have friends.
They've been isolated, andisolation is definitely a tactic
(28:51):
of the jalapeno, but sometimeswe get isolated simply because
life is life.
Just because somebody is inisolation doesn't necessarily
mean that they're beingphysically abused, though that
is something that is a telltalesign of physical abuse.
Sometimes it's just simplesituations they got a job, had
to move across the country, andso they don't have family around
(29:15):
, she doesn't have friendsaround.
She doesn't know anybody, she'scompletely alone.
I hear that more often than not.
And so they try to turn tochurch, they try to turn to
clergy.
But again, it's very hard tohelp somebody navigate these
types of situations, and they'recoming up more and more and
(29:38):
more as time goes on.
And so what does she do?
She tends to downplay her ownsituation, believe that it's not
as bad because other peoplehave it worse.
And maybe she's sitting theresaying that he really is a good
guy.
He's trying.
Maybe he is trying, maybe he is.
(30:10):
But for her to stop defendinghim would also mean that she
would have to take a look atwhat she's really afraid of.
Maybe she's afraid of divorce.
Maybe she's afraid that nobodyelse will want her.
Maybe she's afraid that shedoesn't want anybody else.
Maybe she's afraid of whatthat's going to do to her kids.
Maybe, I mean, there's a fear.
(30:30):
Defense is a fear mechanism, nomatter what, and honestly, the
very idea of leaving arelationship in general,
especially for a woman, isn't aneasy one.
If both are willing to work onthemselves, then relationships
(30:54):
can be saved.
But we also know that if oneperson works quicker on
themselves and they move at afaster pace than the other
partner does.
That creates a rift too, and soshe often holds herself back so
she can go at the pace of herpartner.
But that too becomes verymaddening, because she wants
(31:14):
something she does not want towait and wait and go at a
snail's pace for it.
Wait and wait and go at asnail's pace for it, and she may
also like I hear this one tooshe may defend him because she
(31:36):
doesn't want him to have a badreputation.
She doesn't want people tothink negatively about him.
And while that's nice and dandy, but that's still a protection
mechanism for her, becausehaving everyone tell her what a
horrible guy he is hurts a lotworse than being told what a
(31:58):
nice guy he is.
It makes her feel unsafe.
Just hearing what a bad guy heis, that he's horrible for her.
She knows he's not necessarilyhorrible.
Maybe he is, but in often casesthey're not, and she knows this
(32:22):
.
And just being told thatsomebody's bad isn't helpful
either, because she doesn't knowwhat to do with that.
She's already too busy tryingto figure out how to keep
everything together when itfeels like it's completely
falling apart.
She already knows, knows, Ithink down deep inside that he's
(32:45):
a big problem in thisrelationship.
But she wants things to workout so desperately that she
convinces herself that he'sputting in the effort she wants
him to.
And the problem is is he may bedoing some really good things,
(33:09):
but if he's working on himselfat a snail's pace, he's still
leaving her in a very vulnerableand unprotected situation while
he's figuring his stuff out.
And so why do we defend?
It's because we're trying tocontrol our reality in some way,
because our reality is scary.
(33:30):
So what do we do about it?
It really is differentdepending on the level of abuse.
So, like, number one is stickto the truth.
Now, you can't necessarily stateto someone who is physically
(33:53):
abusing you that you thinkthey're a jerk.
You're going to get hit forthat, right?
You can't tell them that youwant to leave.
You can't tell them you want adivorce.
You can't tell them that theirbehavior is dangerous and scary.
(34:15):
You can't tell them thatthey're wrong.
You can't tell them thesethings because they will hurt
you.
You can't tell them thesethings because they will hurt
you, even though those thingsmight be true.
You can't say that.
And so that really is the truth, right there.
You can't say it, otherwiseyou're going to get hurt.
(34:36):
That's the circumstance, thatis the truth of the matter.
You know it.
So sometimes the best thing todo is again realize your
situation, be completely openand aware to it for yourself.
You need to acknowledge thesethings for yourself.
(34:57):
That is acknowledging the truth.
And then, as I've said before,you also need to understand that
you do need an exit strategy,one where you stay safe.
That is a truth getting out,going to the library, doing what
(35:18):
you can to find some solace, tofind some solace, to find help.
Without them knowing Sometimesyou do have to lie.
I'll tell you something God hastold people to lie before,
(35:48):
people to lie before.
In the bible, he tells abrahamto tell the, the pharaoh, that
suraya is his sister, becausethey would have killed abraham
had they known that suraya washis wife, because they would
have wanted suraya forthemselves.
He he did tell Abraham to lie.
Lies are not always a bad thingif we are using them to keep
(36:09):
ourselves protected physically,and that's why Abraham used it
is because he had to protecthimself physically.
However, if you're not inphysical danger and things are
not escalating to physicaldanger, then it's very important
(36:29):
that you also speak the truthNow, the way you speak, the
truth does matter.
It's a very different thingtelling somebody you, jerk, I
can't believe you looked atpornography again.
It's a very different thingtelling somebody you, jerk, I
can't believe you looked atpornography again, or I can't
believe that you won't go outand get a job, or I can't
(36:50):
believe.
It's a very different thingthan saying, listen, you won't
get a job, you won't take thefamily finances into your hands,
you won't defend me againstyour family when they think I'm
the bad guy you're.
(37:12):
You have been looking at pornagain.
Therefore, this is what needsto happen.
We can speak in respect.
We can speak in love.
That actually lends strengthand support to the boundary,
which is actually number two.
Set the boundaries and I'll gointo how to do that in both
(37:33):
situations in just a second.
But we don't need to yell andscream at people.
When we do, all people tend tohear is yelling and screaming.
They don't tend to hear themessage and the pain and what
you're trying to reallycommunicate to them.
The truth of the matter is youare hurting, you're not
(37:56):
irrational, you're not crazy.
But it is also important tospeak the truth and to not hold
back on the truth.
One of the things I love to sayis something along the lines of
(38:19):
well, that's a reallyinteresting thought there.
What results is that giving you?
That's interesting.
What results do you thinkthat's giving you?
With me, the more you do this,the more I feel like I have to
slay the dragon.
The more you do this, the moreI feel like I have to take on
(38:43):
more roles that are not mine.
Now.
I will take those roles on, butyou are going to be left
feeling very alone and verydemasculinated Because these
things have to be done.
That's a very interestingthought.
You've got there.
How is that serving you?
(39:04):
Okay, again, set the boundaries.
Boundaries are about what youare going to do.
This is why setting boundariesworks in both the mild well, on
all three, I should say the mild, medium and the jalapeno.
You just do not have to tellthe jalapeno or the person that
(39:27):
is going to physically hurt youwhat the boundary is.
You just need to get out.
It is about what you do andthen how to stay safe, how to
stay protected after you get out.
It is important to know thesethings.
These are the boundaries thatyou really need to consider.
(39:55):
It is not okay that that personis hurting you in any way, and
it is not your fault that personis hurting you in any way and
it is not your fault thatsomebody would ever hurt you in
an intentional manner.
But it is important that you dohave your exit strategy, should
(40:20):
you need that, if you aredealing with the mild or the
medium, and you don'tnecessarily have to leave the
relationship because of physicalabuse.
And I, and I will say this toyou Neglect is abuse.
It is, it is true.
(40:51):
True, not abuse is whensomebody actually has your best
interest and your needs at theforefront of their mind.
Anything about them before youis not a good thing.
It should be God or theirhighest form of love, and then
you and then themselves.
Okay, now, that might seem alittle different, because you
(41:15):
know I talk about the relationaltears and how you've got God
and then yourself.
But true self-love is alsohaving a good outlook and a good
concern, and a deep concern forthose that you truly do love.
You don't put your fears andyour insecurities above their
well-being ever, and if that ishappening to you and things
(41:43):
aren't changing, you too mayneed an exit strategy.
That might be one of yourboundaries, but if you truly,
truly do believe that thisrelationship can work, number
one, you do need to stopdefending him and you need to
(42:08):
set some hard boundaries.
We don't need to yell them, wedon't need to scream them.
These are not boundaries thatyou think of in the minute and
enact in the minute.
No boundaries take someplanning and some organization
and some thinking about them.
What will you do if thiscontinues?
Maybe you will ask him to leave, maybe you will go somewhere.
(42:38):
Maybe you will say, okay, well,phones and all devices have to
go into a safe that only youknow the password to.
Maybe it really comes down towhat you are willing to do, what
(43:04):
you will do and how you willkeep yourself safe.
You know, one of the truths youcan also, or one of the
boundaries you can, adopt herein this situation, is also
saying that you will say thetruth, no matter what, that you
(43:24):
will tell the truth, even ifthey tell they decide not to.
That you will be completelyhonest.
If you feel like you're beinggaslit, you will say that I feel
like you're gaslighting me.
You might sit there and sayyou're not, but everything that
you're doing like you'regaslighting me, you might sit
there and say you're not, buteverything that you're doing,
(43:46):
everything you're saying, andhow hard you are trying to get
me convinced that you're right,it all feels like gaslighting to
me.
Maybe one of your boundaries isthat if he's going to do
something, you are going to tellthe truth, whatever it is, it
(44:12):
needs to keep you safe and incontrol of you, and that you
know what you need to do.
And the third is to becompletely honest to yourself as
to why you're defending him.
You know, I had a client notlong ago who, her husband, is a
(44:36):
nice guy.
He is a nice guy but again,nice guys do not defend, they do
not get into confrontation.
He has a good heart and he doeswant to do better, but he's
terrified, he's scared, and whenyou're scared it's very hard to
(44:57):
make any steps forward.
But that doesn't mean thosesteps still don't need to be
made.
And so she was finding herselfin the situation with her
husband where she was feelingcompletely and utterly abandoned
by him, but she defended him.
(45:20):
She would say what he's doneand it wasn't good and it was
leaving her feeling completelyvulnerable and abandoned.
And so when I asked her whatwas behind the defense and to
just completely be honest withherself.
She realized that she didn'tfeel like any other guy out
(45:43):
there would want her.
She had gained weight from thetrauma and from the stress of
her situation with him and shefelt like no other man would
want her.
She also did love him.
(46:04):
She wanted him to do better,and so she was convincing
herself that he was doing betterthan what he was.
She would tell me that shereally wanted me to understand
how he was and that she didn'twant me to think things badly of
(46:27):
him.
But in reality she was reallyworried about what I would think
about her.
She didn't want to be a gossip.
She didn't want to be a ragingwoman.
She didn't want to beirrational.
(46:48):
She wasn't being irrational atall.
Her situation was one of neglect, and so I encouraged her to
stop defending him and all of asudden she realized she had so
(47:14):
much anger that she had beenpushing down.
She was really angry at him andshe didn't want to acknowledge
that anger.
She didn't want to feel thatanger.
She wanted to be happy and shefelt like the more that she
defended him, the happier shecould be.
(47:36):
But she really was notachieving true happiness, her
true goals in happiness becauseshe wasn't acknowledging the
reality of the situation, thereality of her emotions and the
reality of the situation, thereality of her emotions and the
reality of how she really felt.
(48:01):
Also, when she truly did try totell him how she felt, he went
into a poor, poor me I'm theworst human ever and put her in
an automatic defensive positionwith him because she didn't want
him to feel that way.
She simply just wanted him tohear her out and realize why she
(48:22):
would feel the way she did andchange, make some changes
instead of deflect and keepeverything on her shoulders.
We talked about how she couldcommunicate these things to him,
that she needed to let him knowthat she was not okay with him
(48:43):
deflecting and saying horrible,awful things.
One of the boundaries she cameup with was again to be
completely honest with him whenhe was in that and she learned
to say well, that's a reallyinteresting perspective you have
about yourself there.
No wonder why I feel likethings are not working.
(49:06):
I can't have a better opinionthan you do of yourself.
Things aren't going to work ifthat happens.
So if that's going to continue,then I just need to leave this
relationship and luckily thatworked.
Her husband actually did realizethat he was kind of being a
(49:26):
jerk when he sat there and I'mthe worst human ever, poor, poor
me when she was just simplytrying to be honest with him and
he learned to start listeningTo, really hearing her out,
(49:46):
sitting with the uncomfortableemotion, because that's what
they.
That's why they do that.
They don't want to beuncomfortable.
Again, they're more familiarwith the self-loathing right,
because self-loathing is also adeflection of really
uncomfortable emotions, believeit or not.
So he learned to sit in thosereally really uncomfortable
(50:11):
emotions and he considered hisactions, considered his beliefs.
He started to really considerwhy he was the way he was, why
he did things the way he didthem, and when he realized he
(50:32):
didn't like something, insteadof freaking out about it, he
started taking steps to change.
Your relationship is betterthan it's ever been now.
My loves, stop defending him.
Stop defending him.
(50:56):
If you find that you aredefending him, you will also
find that you are in a very deepsense of self-betrayal, because
you're putting his little boyneeds in front of your own
womanly needs.
And he's not a little boy.
If he feels like he's stuck inthe little boy things, then
(51:22):
that's why he needs to get help,he needs to be able to start
the process of healing, but hecan't do that.
Or he can, but it's very hardfor him a man that's stuck in
those things to do that whensomeone else is defending him
(51:45):
because they're enabling him,and that's not good for you or
him.
And that's not good for you orhim.
So, if you do find yourself inthe situation of defense, I
(52:06):
invite you to stop, and everysingle time you want to get in
and defend him before you do,sit in that emotion for just a
few minutes.
Let it teach you, just feel it,acknowledge that it's there and
then ask what are the thoughtsbehind this?
(52:27):
Why do I feel like I have todefend him?
And hopefully you'll find sometruth.
All right, my loves.
That's it for this week.
Hopefully this was helpful.
And, uh, next week we are goingto be talking about the
(52:51):
difference between a narcissistand avoidant.
Now a little caveat, and I'llmention this again also in our
next chat, but I don't lovegiving labels to people, but
this is something that a lot ofpeople are talking about and
labeling men as, and some women,and I think it does behoove us
(53:18):
well to understand thedifference, one you can have a
little more compassion for thanthe other.
All right, so if you guys wouldlike some help, please don't
hesitate to reach out and book acall with me.
There are links in thedescription below where you can
(53:43):
get a one hour session with me.
It's completely free, guys, youhave nothing to lose.
Or you can also go to myFacebook page, aaron Anderson,
the trauma coach, and you would.
You are welcome to message methere and just ask me for a one
(54:05):
hour session.
I will go ahead and send youthe link and get you scheduled.
Ok, my loves.
Until next time, I'll see youon the other side.
Bye.
Hey everyone, welcome back to another episode of the
other side of the struggle.
Today we are going to talkabout why we defend guys that do
not need our defending.
Okay, because let me just saythis like not all men are like
(00:20):
physical abusers.
They're not all the jalapeno,they're not all you know really,
really bad guys.
And if you listened to one ofmy past episodes about the nice
guy and the nice guy syndromeand that's actually a couple of
different episodes there there'sthe one I also have with Trevor
(00:41):
Henniger, which talks about thenice guy as well Oftentimes we
do have a nice guy, but we canstill feel very abandoned by the
nice guy.
He's not going to be mean to you, he's not going to hurt you
necessarily physically, but youalso still are left feeling
(01:03):
abandoned by him.
So why on earth do we defendhim?
Why on earth do we defend men?
Well, number one, let me saythis, and this might be kind of
controversial to some of you,but the truth of the matter is
(01:25):
is women actually really lovemen that can show up to protect
them?
When men aren't showing up thatway for us, then what we tend
to do is step into a very kindof masculine energy and protect.
Instead, we become theprotectors and since he's part
(01:51):
of our relationships, he fallsunder the protecting guys.
We need to protect him right.
We need to slay the dragonwhile he hides behind us in
shining white armor, screamingbecause there's a dragon and
(02:13):
here we are, the damsel fightingit off.
There's a big problem with that.
Guys actually need to feel likethey have something to protect.
A good guy, a kind guy, he isnot afraid to step into
(02:34):
confrontation, he's not afraidto stand for truth, he's not
afraid to stand for something,whereas the nice guy is
something, whereas the nice guyis.
(02:54):
But sometimes we also have thejalapeno.
So let me explain a couple ofthings to you here.
Okay, if you remember, I usuallycategorize men who have
addictions in three differentways.
You have the mild, the mediumand the jalapeno.
The nice guys are often in themild section, which you know we
do like these guys.
These guys are a little bitmore easy to get along with.
(03:19):
They're not super violent, butthey're also not really there.
We tend to not be able to getsupport from them because
they're too busy trying tofigure out life.
They're too busy trying tofigure out what the heck is
going on with them and it scaresthe heck out of them and like
(03:42):
they're willing to say thatsomething isn't right, if
they're willing to admit thatthey have faults and they're
willing to admit that they needto do something differently.
But we still are left feelingvery abandoned by them because
they struggle with confrontation.
The medium, on the other hand,is kind of a jerk.
(04:10):
They tend to blame, deflect,put everything back on you,
blame you.
Gaslight, like this is kind ofwhere we get into the medium.
They tend to have verynarcissistic tendencies and
could even be narcissisticthemselves.
(04:32):
We tend to think of the mediumas just a big jerk.
They're not a nice guy, and theworld knows it, but they're not
necessarily dangerous either totheir allies.
The jalapeno, on the other hand, is now.
(04:56):
This is the guy who knows ragevery well, and the littlest
thing will set him off.
The littlest triggers will sethim off, and we often feel like
we don't know what's going toset him off, because it's so
(05:18):
tiny and so little that mostpeople wouldn't get set off by
this.
But he does, and so he goesinto a ball of rage and whoever
is in his way is the one that'sgoing to get beaten.
Sometimes, not only do they getinto the narcissistic and
(05:44):
sociopathic tendencies as well,but sometimes they really do
just have sadistic wants, andthose wants involve seeing
someone else suffer.
They somehow get pleasure outof it.
Sometimes it does mean thatthere's just a very wounded
little boy in there, but itdoesn't always mean that it's
(06:08):
just that.
Sometimes people really do wantus to suffer.
That's a sad thing.
It is a really sad thing toconsider that that is something
that could possibly be happening.
But when people watch otherpeople suffer because of their
(06:31):
actions, it gives them sometimesa very twisted sense of control
, and this is why we have to bevery, very careful with how we
respond and how we react when itcomes to defending and
protecting someone that reallyneeds to step up and defend and
(06:55):
protect himself and his family,because this is something that
the masculine is very good at.
It is not the role for thewoman, but oftentimes we find
ourselves there because theworld for women is a very scary
place.
Women in general do not trustmen.
(07:21):
We feel like we are the preyand they are the predator, and
we often have to take our timewith a man in order to feel safe
.
And that's an okay thing firstimpressions really do matter,
(07:47):
but so do second, third andfourth.
It's really important that wewatch how someone responds.
A man responds for a whilebefore we ever consider getting
into a relationship with thembefore we ever consider getting
(08:07):
into a relationship with them.
However, if you already are ina relationship with a man and
you've realized that he might befalling into one of these
categories the mild, the mediumor the jalapeno then it's time
to start looking at some thingsa little deeper.
So let's dive into why womendefend men.
(08:30):
Number one it's a survivaltechnique.
Ok, I talk to women all thetime who are defending their
husbands even though he's beenlooking at porn, maybe he's
cheated on her, all these things, and there's all kinds like
(08:51):
maybe he does feel remorseful,maybe he does feel bad, or maybe
he's blaming her, or maybe hejust doesn't care.
Okay, it's still a survivalthing the way that women and men
are balanced, and it's not thatthis is bad, but it does create
(09:15):
a very interesting dynamic whenwe have very unhealthy actions
and very unhealthy thoughts.
It is such actions and veryunhealthy thoughts.
It is such that men still insociety do tend to make the most
(09:35):
money, while women tend to stayhome with the children.
Now there are a lot more womeneither stepping outside of the
home or making money behind acomputer, like I do, right, who
are for her to go out and make aliving that will support her
(10:11):
family without a man.
Now, I'm not saying this is afeminist movement type of a
thing, like girl power kind of athing.
I'm not saying that it isnatural for a man to assume the
role of provider and protector,while the woman resumes the role
(10:35):
of creator and nurturer.
That is very natural.
Anybody you talk to that getsinto the masculine and the
feminine roles and energy willtell you this that the man is
very much like the clamshell andthe woman is like the pearl.
The man creates containment forthe woman and the woman gets to
(10:59):
shine, create, shine, create.
The man literally focuses allof his energy into her so that
way she can focus all of herenergy into the kids.
The problem in today's societyand this is what pornography
does is it makes men fall asleepto this, completely abandon,
(11:23):
abandoning the woman andtherefore the woman not being
able to actually properly carefor her children the way that
she wants to.
It happens a lot, unfortunately.
We really do need men insociety, like it is a big need
and men understand theirmasculine roles, like it is a
(11:44):
big need and men understandtheir masculine roles.
But If she's defending him,she's most likely trying to be
in survival.
She's trying to protect andprovide for their kids.
She understands that he isbringing in the money and if she
(12:10):
stops defending him, well thenshe's going to have to
acknowledge that somewhere inthe back of her head she's
really thinking about leavingand divorce.
But the idea is terrifying toher because how is she going to
support the family and still bea mother?
She knows this.
Oftentimes these women also havevery low self-esteem and
(12:34):
self-worth.
Um, I talk to women constantlywho are in betrayal trauma, and
this is a big problem.
They think they're beratingthemselves for not getting their
education.
They're berating themselves fornot having any marketable
skills.
They're berating themselves,berating themselves, berating
(12:55):
themselves.
I'm a bad wife, I'm a bad mom.
Somehow it must be my fault,and that can be a survival
technique too.
We defend because we don't wantto actually face that it's our
fault, which it's not.
Let me just say that.
(13:15):
But if we think it is and we'realready sitting here struggling
with our self-worth, saying toourselves in some way that we
are the ones at fault can causeus to completely abandon
ourselves, and we're alreadybeing abandoned.
That is a terrifying andincredibly scary thought.
(13:41):
Perhaps you are dealing with ajalapeno.
Well then you also understandthat if you don't defend him, if
you call the cops and he getsthrown in jail, he's going to
come out more dangerous and moreexplosive and more abusive.
(14:06):
You understand that, and sothese are things that you are
worried about.
You don't have things togetheryet to leave while he's in jail,
and the most dangerous time fora woman or any victim of
(14:27):
domestic abuse, physical abuse,is when she's leaving, when
she's making her exit plan, andthis is why you have to do it so
carefully and so quietly.
This is why one of the thingsthat I say often is to agree
(15:00):
with him, maybe verbally, playthe game, but you need to stay
focused in your mind of whatyour exit strategy is, because
you need to stay safe, and theonly way to stay safe with an
explosive jalapeno is to makethem feel safe.
(15:21):
You need to stay safe.
You need to make sure that youare going to be okay, that you
and the kids are going to beokay.
You have to get an exitstrategy together, and there are
resources, there are peopleonline that can help you with
that.
So if you're finding yourselfin this kind of a situation, you
(15:51):
need to get some help, for sure, but you need to do it in a way
where he cannot find out.
Now some women also in thissituation are going to say, well
, that's deceptive.
No, that's called staying safe.
Your safety does matter and youdo not owe someone who is
(16:19):
threatening you physically orhurting you physically anything
other than getting out.
But you need to do so socarefully.
Please find places that willsupport you.
Um, a good idea is, if you'regoing to search something like
(16:40):
that, up, get to a library whereyour search history cannot be
viewed, or ask a friend, someoneto, if you have some support,
someone to mediate for you.
But if you have to doeverything by yourself, if you
(17:02):
truly are alone in this, thereare places.
If you can get away for alittle bit, there are places
where you can go to get somehelp and places where you can
get online and search how to getthat help, make a phone call,
all of these other things to getthat exit strategy together.
(17:22):
Okay, all of these other thingsto get that exit strategy
together.
Okay, number two oftentimeswomen defend abusive men or
their nice guy because she'sbeen taught to disbelieve
herself in her own experiences.
I often talk to women who havesevere childhood and
(17:43):
developmental trauma wheresomewhere and this is also kind
of a thing in society somewhereshe's been taught to disbelieve
herself.
Little girls are there to sitdown and be quiet and look
pretty.
That's what she's been taught.
Sit down and be quiet and lookpretty.
(18:05):
That's what she's been taught.
And a lot of women have beentaught to not have a voice, and
this stems from being taught toquestion her own experiences and
thoughts over that, oversomeone else.
That someone else needs to dothe thinking for them, and
(18:27):
oftentimes that's what's.
That is exactly what happens.
Because she cannot trust herown mind and her own experiences
, she's going to think that it'sher fault somehow.
She's going to think that whatis happening she has something
(18:48):
to do with, that she's not safebecause, again, she can't trust
herself.
The truth is with someone elsebesides her, and so we defend,
we defend and we defend and wedefend someone that is hurting
us.
She really wants to believehe's a nice guy and that there
(19:11):
is hope for the relationship andbecause women do find security
in their relationship with theirspouses or their boyfriends or
their guys.
We want guys around us, wetruly do, but we want them to be
safe, and so when there is nosafety, we are hoping and
(19:37):
praying that he's a nice guy andthat there is hope for the
relationship.
But the more we defend, themore we reiterate in the nice
guy that he is not capable ofprotection, that he needs to be
(19:59):
afraid of confrontation and hein a sense needs to fear his own
masculinity.
Number three they don't feellike they have outside support.
Oftentimes women have beenisolated.
They're far from their families.
Sometimes their families arejust as toxic as what the
(20:22):
husband or the boyfriend is,because they have their own
mental issues.
This is something she isfamiliar with and knows well.
We tend to get intorelationships that feel familiar
to us, and so if we feel likewe've been abandoned by our
(20:43):
parents and our siblings orwhoever else, we tend to want
that in our relationships,believe it or not, because it's
familiar and we know how tonavigate.
Familiar.
I often think of this kind oflike.
I call this like the feralkitten syndrome, right,
(21:07):
obviously, a little cat is faroff, as far better off with a
human, but a little tiny feralkitten is going to be scared of
a human.
The kitten is familiar with thestruggle of survival, the
(21:29):
kitten is familiar with theferalness.
The kitten is familiar with thedanger around it and it's not
familiar with humans, which arethe safest place for this kitten
.
This is why the kitten reactsso hissing and spitting and
(21:53):
clawing and scratching isbecause the human is not the
familiarity thing.
The protection, the safe place,is not familiar thing.
The protection, the safe place,is not familiar.
It knows how to navigateunfamiliar, but it doesn't know
how to relax.
I mean, I should say it knowshow to navigate the scary, but
(22:27):
it doesn't know how to relax inthe protection.
And we tend to do this often,you know, with ourselves, I
think, and our relationships.
It really is a feral kittenkind of a syndrome.
So let's talk about numberthree.
They don't feel like they haveoutside support, right, right.
(22:48):
So if we're more familiar withthe the unsafe than what we are
with the safe, this is whatwe're going to look for.
Um, you know, I had a client awhile ago, uh, and this is one
of the things that she really,really struggled with.
She kept finding herself insituations with men, um, and
(23:10):
actually other people, otherwomen as well where she was left
feeling hopeless, uh, at risk,abused, taken advantage of, she
was being stolen from, like.
The chaos in her life wasinsane, and a large part of it
(23:36):
is because this is what she wasfamiliar with with.
She was far more familiar withthe chaos and the corruption
that people put forward to her,and so peace was actually
threatening.
She knew how to navigate thewaters of chaos, but she did not
(24:01):
know how to navigate the watersof peace.
Sometimes they often aren'tbelieved to.
I know that it's really hardfor people who haven't seen how
(24:21):
vile somebody can be to believethat those things are really out
there.
And you know, I'll be honest,even me, I was shocked one day
when somebody told me about howthey had endured satanic ritual
(24:43):
abuse, and I'm not going to gointo that story.
But I didn't realize thatpeople could, like I myself did
not realize that people could bethat sadistic.
Do I believe her?
Yes, but one of the things thatshe herself has come up against
is the fact that not manypeople do.
(25:03):
They have a hard time believingthat somebody could be that
corrupt, that evil.
Or again, he's the nice guyright, he's such a nice guy.
But nice guys have that Jekylland Hyde.
(25:25):
They look one way, sometimes onthe inside or when they're
behind closed doors, they behavea completely different way.
So they don't see what thevictim sees and therefore tend
to not believe.
(25:48):
And there are often and that'snot always their fault either
there are some times that peoplethrow out these accusations of
abuse when there really wasn'tand there really wasn't.
They just want to get the otherperson in trouble.
But the problem with that isthat does damage the ability for
(26:11):
people to help those who trulyare at risk.
There are so many people thathave cried wolf in abuse just
because they want to see someoneelse suffer.
It's a narcissistic thing andthat causes those that really
(26:35):
are in abusive situations tooften not be believed, to often
not be believed.
I've also heard of women whohave gone to clergy
(26:55):
no-transcript.
The abuse isn't even addressed.
She's told things like you needto give him more sex, you need
to give him, or you need to puthis needs first, or any other
kind of toxic thing.
(27:16):
That is not helpful, and so itkeeps these women in the cycles
of abuse for a longer timeBecause they're trying to do
what they think God wants themto do Instead of addressing the
abuse.
And instead of addressing theproblem, they're looking at a
(27:40):
failed marriage as the problem,but divorce in those cases is
not the problem.
That very well might be thesolution, and it's definitely
something that needs to be seenif we're really truly going to
(28:03):
help other people through thesethings.
And if someone is defending anddefending, and defending and
defending another person, evenwhen especially when nobody is
saying anything bad about theother person anyway and you're
wondering why is this persondefending them other person
anyway and you're wondering whyis this person defending them?
(28:24):
The likelihood is is there'spossibly some abuse going on.
Oftentimes, too, they feel likethey have nowhere else to go.
They don't have family, theydon't have friends.
They've been isolated, andisolation is definitely a tactic
(28:51):
of the jalapeno, but sometimeswe get isolated simply because
life is life.
Just because somebody is inisolation doesn't necessarily
mean that they're beingphysically abused, though that
is something that is a telltalesign of physical abuse.
Sometimes it's just simplesituations they got a job, had
to move across the country, andso they don't have family around
(29:15):
, she doesn't have friendsaround.
She doesn't know anybody, she'scompletely alone.
I hear that more often than not.
And so they try to turn tochurch, they try to turn to
clergy.
But again, it's very hard tohelp somebody navigate these
types of situations, and they'recoming up more and more and
(29:38):
more as time goes on.
And so what does she do?
She tends to downplay her ownsituation, believe that it's not
as bad because other peoplehave it worse.
And maybe she's sitting theresaying that he really is a good
guy.
He's trying.
Maybe he is trying, maybe he is.
(30:10):
But for her to stop defendinghim would also mean that she
would have to take a look atwhat she's really afraid of.
Maybe she's afraid of divorce.
Maybe she's afraid that nobodyelse will want her.
Maybe she's afraid that shedoesn't want anybody else.
Maybe she's afraid of whatthat's going to do to her kids.
Maybe, I mean, there's a fear.
(30:30):
Defense is a fear mechanism, nomatter what, and honestly, the
very idea of leaving arelationship in general,
especially for a woman, isn't aneasy one.
If both are willing to work onthemselves, then relationships
(30:54):
can be saved.
But we also know that if oneperson works quicker on
themselves and they move at afaster pace than the other
partner does.
That creates a rift too, and soshe often holds herself back so
she can go at the pace of herpartner.
But that too becomes verymaddening, because she wants
(31:14):
something she does not want towait and wait and go at a
snail's pace for it.
Wait and wait and go at asnail's pace for it, and she may
also like I hear this one tooshe may defend him because she
(31:36):
doesn't want him to have a badreputation.
She doesn't want people tothink negatively about him.
And while that's nice and dandy, but that's still a protection
mechanism for her, becausehaving everyone tell her what a
horrible guy he is hurts a lotworse than being told what a
(31:58):
nice guy he is.
It makes her feel unsafe.
Just hearing what a bad guy heis, that he's horrible for her.
She knows he's not necessarilyhorrible.
Maybe he is, but in often casesthey're not, and she knows this
(32:22):
.
And just being told thatsomebody's bad isn't helpful
either, because she doesn't knowwhat to do with that.
She's already too busy tryingto figure out how to keep
everything together when itfeels like it's completely
falling apart.
She already knows, knows, Ithink down deep inside that he's
(32:45):
a big problem in thisrelationship.
But she wants things to workout so desperately that she
convinces herself that he'sputting in the effort she wants
him to.
And the problem is is he may bedoing some really good things,
(33:09):
but if he's working on himselfat a snail's pace, he's still
leaving her in a very vulnerableand unprotected situation while
he's figuring his stuff out.
And so why do we defend?
It's because we're trying tocontrol our reality in some way,
because our reality is scary.
(33:30):
So what do we do about it?
It really is differentdepending on the level of abuse.
So, like, number one is stickto the truth.
Now, you can't necessarily stateto someone who is physically
(33:53):
abusing you that you thinkthey're a jerk.
You're going to get hit forthat, right?
You can't tell them that youwant to leave.
You can't tell them you want adivorce.
You can't tell them that theirbehavior is dangerous and scary.
(34:15):
You can't tell them thatthey're wrong.
You can't tell them thesethings because they will hurt
you.
You can't tell them thesethings because they will hurt
you, even though those thingsmight be true.
You can't say that.
And so that really is the truth, right there.
You can't say it, otherwiseyou're going to get hurt.
(34:36):
That's the circumstance, thatis the truth of the matter.
You know it.
So sometimes the best thing todo is again realize your
situation, be completely openand aware to it for yourself.
You need to acknowledge thesethings for yourself.
(34:57):
That is acknowledging the truth.
And then, as I've said before,you also need to understand that
you do need an exit strategy,one where you stay safe.
That is a truth getting out,going to the library, doing what
(35:18):
you can to find some solace, tofind some solace, to find help.
Without them knowing Sometimesyou do have to lie.
I'll tell you something God hastold people to lie before,
(35:48):
people to lie before.
In the bible, he tells abrahamto tell the, the pharaoh, that
suraya is his sister, becausethey would have killed abraham
had they known that suraya washis wife, because they would
have wanted suraya forthemselves.
He he did tell Abraham to lie.
Lies are not always a bad thingif we are using them to keep
(36:09):
ourselves protected physically,and that's why Abraham used it
is because he had to protecthimself physically.
However, if you're not inphysical danger and things are
not escalating to physicaldanger, then it's very important
(36:29):
that you also speak the truthNow, the way you speak, the
truth does matter.
It's a very different thingtelling somebody you, jerk, I
can't believe you looked atpornography again.
It's a very different thingtelling somebody you, jerk, I
can't believe you looked atpornography again, or I can't
believe that you won't go outand get a job, or I can't
(36:50):
believe.
It's a very different thingthan saying, listen, you won't
get a job, you won't take thefamily finances into your hands,
you won't defend me againstyour family when they think I'm
the bad guy you're.
(37:12):
You have been looking at pornagain.
Therefore, this is what needsto happen.
We can speak in respect.
We can speak in love.
That actually lends strengthand support to the boundary,
which is actually number two.
Set the boundaries and I'll gointo how to do that in both
(37:33):
situations in just a second.
But we don't need to yell andscream at people.
When we do, all people tend tohear is yelling and screaming.
They don't tend to hear themessage and the pain and what
you're trying to reallycommunicate to them.
The truth of the matter is youare hurting, you're not
(37:56):
irrational, you're not crazy.
But it is also important tospeak the truth and to not hold
back on the truth.
One of the things I love to sayis something along the lines of
(38:19):
well, that's a reallyinteresting thought there.
What results is that giving you?
That's interesting.
What results do you thinkthat's giving you?
With me, the more you do this,the more I feel like I have to
slay the dragon.
The more you do this, the moreI feel like I have to take on
(38:43):
more roles that are not mine.
Now.
I will take those roles on, butyou are going to be left
feeling very alone and verydemasculinated Because these
things have to be done.
That's a very interestingthought.
You've got there.
How is that serving you?
(39:04):
Okay, again, set the boundaries.
Boundaries are about what youare going to do.
This is why setting boundariesworks in both the mild well, on
all three, I should say the mild, medium and the jalapeno.
You just do not have to tellthe jalapeno or the person that
(39:27):
is going to physically hurt youwhat the boundary is.
You just need to get out.
It is about what you do andthen how to stay safe, how to
stay protected after you get out.
It is important to know thesethings.
These are the boundaries thatyou really need to consider.
(39:55):
It is not okay that that personis hurting you in any way, and
it is not your fault that personis hurting you in any way and
it is not your fault thatsomebody would ever hurt you in
an intentional manner.
But it is important that you dohave your exit strategy, should
(40:20):
you need that, if you aredealing with the mild or the
medium, and you don'tnecessarily have to leave the
relationship because of physicalabuse.
And I, and I will say this toyou Neglect is abuse.
It is, it is true.
(40:51):
True, not abuse is whensomebody actually has your best
interest and your needs at theforefront of their mind.
Anything about them before youis not a good thing.
It should be God or theirhighest form of love, and then
you and then themselves.
Okay, now, that might seem alittle different, because you
(41:15):
know I talk about the relationaltears and how you've got God
and then yourself.
But true self-love is alsohaving a good outlook and a good
concern, and a deep concern forthose that you truly do love.
You don't put your fears andyour insecurities above their
well-being ever, and if that ishappening to you and things
(41:43):
aren't changing, you too mayneed an exit strategy.
That might be one of yourboundaries, but if you truly,
truly do believe that thisrelationship can work, number
one, you do need to stopdefending him and you need to
(42:08):
set some hard boundaries.
We don't need to yell them, wedon't need to scream them.
These are not boundaries thatyou think of in the minute and
enact in the minute.
No boundaries take someplanning and some organization
and some thinking about them.
What will you do if thiscontinues?
Maybe you will ask him to leave, maybe you will go somewhere.
(42:38):
Maybe you will say, okay, well,phones and all devices have to
go into a safe that only youknow the password to.
Maybe it really comes down towhat you are willing to do, what
(43:04):
you will do and how you willkeep yourself safe.
You know, one of the truths youcan also, or one of the
boundaries you can, adopt herein this situation, is also
saying that you will say thetruth, no matter what, that you
(43:24):
will tell the truth, even ifthey tell they decide not to.
That you will be completelyhonest.
If you feel like you're beinggaslit, you will say that I feel
like you're gaslighting me.
You might sit there and sayyou're not, but everything that
you're doing like you'regaslighting me, you might sit
there and say you're not, buteverything that you're doing,
(43:46):
everything you're saying, andhow hard you are trying to get
me convinced that you're right,it all feels like gaslighting to
me.
Maybe one of your boundaries isthat if he's going to do
something, you are going to tellthe truth, whatever it is, it
(44:12):
needs to keep you safe and incontrol of you, and that you
know what you need to do.
And the third is to becompletely honest to yourself as
to why you're defending him.
You know, I had a client notlong ago who, her husband, is a
(44:36):
nice guy.
He is a nice guy but again,nice guys do not defend, they do
not get into confrontation.
He has a good heart and he doeswant to do better, but he's
terrified, he's scared, and whenyou're scared it's very hard to
(44:57):
make any steps forward.
But that doesn't mean thosesteps still don't need to be
made.
And so she was finding herselfin the situation with her
husband where she was feelingcompletely and utterly abandoned
by him, but she defended him.
(45:20):
She would say what he's doneand it wasn't good and it was
leaving her feeling completelyvulnerable and abandoned.
And so when I asked her whatwas behind the defense and to
just completely be honest withherself.
She realized that she didn'tfeel like any other guy out
(45:43):
there would want her.
She had gained weight from thetrauma and from the stress of
her situation with him and shefelt like no other man would
want her.
She also did love him.
(46:04):
She wanted him to do better,and so she was convincing
herself that he was doing betterthan what he was.
She would tell me that shereally wanted me to understand
how he was and that she didn'twant me to think things badly of
(46:27):
him.
But in reality she was reallyworried about what I would think
about her.
She didn't want to be a gossip.
She didn't want to be a ragingwoman.
She didn't want to beirrational.
(46:48):
She wasn't being irrational atall.
Her situation was one of neglect, and so I encouraged her to
stop defending him and all of asudden she realized she had so
(47:14):
much anger that she had beenpushing down.
She was really angry at him andshe didn't want to acknowledge
that anger.
She didn't want to feel thatanger.
She wanted to be happy and shefelt like the more that she
defended him, the happier shecould be.
(47:36):
But she really was notachieving true happiness, her
true goals in happiness becauseshe wasn't acknowledging the
reality of the situation, thereality of her emotions and the
reality of the situation, thereality of her emotions and the
reality of how she really felt.
(48:01):
Also, when she truly did try totell him how she felt, he went
into a poor, poor me I'm theworst human ever and put her in
an automatic defensive positionwith him because she didn't want
him to feel that way.
She simply just wanted him tohear her out and realize why she
(48:22):
would feel the way she did andchange, make some changes
instead of deflect and keepeverything on her shoulders.
We talked about how she couldcommunicate these things to him,
that she needed to let him knowthat she was not okay with him
(48:43):
deflecting and saying horrible,awful things.
One of the boundaries she cameup with was again to be
completely honest with him whenhe was in that and she learned
to say well, that's a reallyinteresting perspective you have
about yourself there.
No wonder why I feel likethings are not working.
(49:06):
I can't have a better opinionthan you do of yourself.
Things aren't going to work ifthat happens.
So if that's going to continue,then I just need to leave this
relationship and luckily thatworked.
Her husband actually did realizethat he was kind of being a
(49:26):
jerk when he sat there and I'mthe worst human ever, poor, poor
me when she was just simplytrying to be honest with him and
he learned to start listeningTo, really hearing her out,
(49:46):
sitting with the uncomfortableemotion, because that's what
they.
That's why they do that.
They don't want to beuncomfortable.
Again, they're more familiarwith the self-loathing right,
because self-loathing is also adeflection of really
uncomfortable emotions, believeit or not.
So he learned to sit in thosereally really uncomfortable
(50:11):
emotions and he considered hisactions, considered his beliefs.
He started to really considerwhy he was the way he was, why
he did things the way he didthem, and when he realized he
(50:32):
didn't like something, insteadof freaking out about it, he
started taking steps to change.
Your relationship is betterthan it's ever been now.
My loves, stop defending him.
Stop defending him.
(50:56):
If you find that you aredefending him, you will also
find that you are in a very deepsense of self-betrayal, because
you're putting his little boyneeds in front of your own
womanly needs.
And he's not a little boy.
If he feels like he's stuck inthe little boy things, then
(51:22):
that's why he needs to get help,he needs to be able to start
the process of healing, but hecan't do that.
Or he can, but it's very hardfor him a man that's stuck in
those things to do that whensomeone else is defending him
(51:45):
because they're enabling him,and that's not good for you or
him.
And that's not good for you orhim.
So, if you do find yourself inthe situation of defense, I
(52:06):
invite you to stop, and everysingle time you want to get in
and defend him before you do,sit in that emotion for just a
few minutes.
Let it teach you, just feel it,acknowledge that it's there and
then ask what are the thoughtsbehind this?
(52:27):
Why do I feel like I have todefend him?
And hopefully you'll find sometruth.
All right, my loves.
That's it for this week.
Hopefully this was helpful.
And, uh, next week we are goingto be talking about the
(52:51):
difference between a narcissistand avoidant.
Now a little caveat, and I'llmention this again also in our
next chat, but I don't lovegiving labels to people, but
this is something that a lot ofpeople are talking about and
labeling men as, and some women,and I think it does behoove us
(53:18):
well to understand thedifference, one you can have a
little more compassion for thanthe other.
All right, so if you guys wouldlike some help, please don't
hesitate to reach out and book acall with me.
There are links in thedescription below where you can
(53:43):
get a one hour session with me.
It's completely free, guys, youhave nothing to lose.
Or you can also go to myFacebook page, aaron Anderson,
the trauma coach, and you would.
You are welcome to message methere and just ask me for a one
(54:05):
hour session.
I will go ahead and send youthe link and get you scheduled.
Ok, my loves.
Until next time, I'll see youon the other side.
Bye.
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