Mojo Monday - Are You Setting Dead Person Goals?

Are your goals secretly setting you up to fail? In this Mojo Monday, Carly explores the idea of “dead person goals”—those focused on eliminating feelings or stopping behaviours entirely—and why they rarely work. Borrowing from the work of Russ Harris, she offers a powerful reframe: goals grounded in action and values that actually move you forward. If you’ve ever said, “I just want to stop doing that,” this episode will help you find a better way.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi everyone, it's Carli here and welcome to you this
week's Mojo Monday. So today I want to talk about
a concept that I first heard from Russ Harris, who
is the author of The Happiness Trap, brilliant book and
an expert in acceptance and commitment therapy.

Speaker 2 (00:26):
And it's called dead person's goals.

Speaker 1 (00:29):
So let me explain, because I know that sounds a
little gruesome, but a dead person's goal is any goal
that a dead person could do better than you. And
I know that sounds really weird, but it's actually a
really helpful way to recognize the kind of goals that

(00:49):
can really keep us stuck. So here are a few examples.
I want to stop feeling anxious. I want to stop overthinking.
I want to I never lose.

Speaker 2 (01:00):
My temper again.

Speaker 1 (01:02):
I want to just stop being so sensitive. And then
here are some behavioral ones. I want to stop drinking alcohol,
I want to stop emotional eating. I want to stop
checking my phone all the time. Now, the thing is
that these goals, what they have in common is that
they're all about stopping something. They're about removing or avoiding

(01:27):
something that's uncomfortable. So whether it's an emotion or a behavior,
And here's the problem with this, or here's what can
be the problem. Dead people do those goals better than
we do. Why Because they don't drink, they don't scroll
on social media, they don't overthink, they never feel anxious,

(01:49):
and they never get annoyed.

Speaker 2 (01:51):
But you do.

Speaker 1 (01:53):
Because you're alive and you're human, so you're engaged with
the world around you, and that include these this landscape
of emotions that we feel. It includes our habits, the
things that we consistently do every single day, which includes
the urges and the temptations and the frustrations. It includes
all of it. So what's the alternative? What else can

(02:16):
we do well given we are alive. Let's look at
this from a live person's goal. So that's a goal
based on action, a goal based on intention and values,
a goal you can actually do, rather than a goal
to stop doing something. So let me give you some examples.

(02:36):
So instead of I want to stop emotional eating, you
could reframe this too, I want to nourish my body
with food that supports my energy and well being. Instead
of I want to stop drinking wine every night, you
could try I want to support my health and my
sleep by creating an evening routine that helps me unwind

(02:58):
with our alcohol. And then from there you set the
goals of the tasks. What you need to do instead
of I want to stop checking my phone constantly, this
is one that I need to do instead of that,
I want to be more present by setting phone free
times so I can focus on what's truly meaningful, like
connecting with others or getting into deep work, and then

(03:21):
you work out what that looks like for you. So
these aren't about being a perfect person, but they are
about aligning your actions with what matters. And here's where
it gets even more helpful. Behind every live person's goal
is a value. So if being calm with your kids

(03:44):
is important to you, that's a value.

Speaker 2 (03:46):
If being present with the people around you.

Speaker 1 (03:49):
Is important, then that's a value. If treating your body
with care is important, then that's a value. So values
give you direction. They act like a compass, and you
don't have to feel one hundred percent motivated or in
control to actually.

Speaker 2 (04:08):
Live your values.

Speaker 1 (04:09):
You just need to get really clear on what matters
and then take that next step, that next small action
in that direction. So if you're feeling stuck in I
just want to stop doing this but I can't stop
because let's face it, it's really hard to stop doing things.

(04:30):
If that's your goal, then pause for a second and
ask yourself, what do I want to move towards? What
kind of person do I want to be in this situation,
and what value is important to me. So, if it's
important that you are calm around your kids and that

(04:51):
you want to be a good role model, but you
find that you're getting angry and yelling at your kids,
you want to that's what you want to stop doing.
Then you get in touch with that value. I want
to be a calm parent, I want to be a
good role model for my kids. That's what you tap
into because that's the shift from the dead person's goal

(05:14):
to the live person's goal. It goes from avoidance to
engagement and from control trying to control your emotions to
getting clear on what your actions are.

Speaker 2 (05:28):
So this week, ask yourself, are you.

Speaker 1 (05:31):
Setting or aiming for dead person's goals? What would a
live values aligned goal look like instead? Because that's your compass.
That's the compass pointing in the direction of how you
want to behave in this situation, and how you want

(05:52):
to behave despite how you feel. Because that's what you
can control. You can't control the urgers, you can't control
the emotions that come up. You ride those waves, but
it's that values driven compass that points you in the
direction of how you want to behave. So this week,
I invite you to reframe your goals, reframe them from

(06:17):
a dead person's goal to a live person's goal, and
make it about action, action that is aligned to what
is deeply important to you. And then you consistently do
those behaviors every single day. Okay, good luck everyone, and
I hope you have a great week and I will
see you next Monday. See ya.