Facing Mortality and Rediscovering Life's Purpose with Dr. Stan Beecham

In this powerful conversation with Dr. Stan Beecham, a renowned psychologist and author of "Elite Minds," we explore the profound insights gained from confronting life's toughest challenges. Having faced acute leukemia and emerged with a renewed perspective on life, Dr. Beecham shares invaluable lessons on resilience, identity, and the power of acceptance.

A Journey Through Adversity

During the podcast, Dr. Beecham recounts his battle with acute leukemia, reflecting on the ways this life-altering experience informed his approach to living. He emphasises the importance of accepting life's randomness, turning an uncertain future into an opportunity for personal growth. Dr. Beecham's story serves as a testament to the power of acknowledging vulnerability and embracing the present moment.

What You'll Learn:

• Facing Adversity: Discover how confronting life-threatening challenges can lead to a deeper understanding of oneself and enhance appreciation for life's simple pleasures.
• Resilience and Stoicism: Learn about the role of stoic philosophy in overcoming adversity, including concepts like 'Amor Fati' and the acceptance of fate as a path to liberation from fear.
• Identity and Self-Reflection: Explore the dangers of tying identity too closely to professional accomplishments and the benefits of cultivating a sense of self beyond work.
• Focus and Intentional Living: Understand the importance of directing the "flashlight of attention" towards meaningful experiences and relationships.

 

Key Takeaways:

• Acceptance is vital: Embrace your circumstances as they are, using acceptance as a foundation to focus on what you can control.
• Cultivate curiosity and urgency: Approach life with a sense of curiosity about what's next and seize opportunities with urgency.
• Embrace simplicity: Find joy in daily routines and simple pleasures as a way to enrich your life and cultivate mindfulness.
• Contribute positively: Strive to give more than you take in interactions, fostering positive energy and enriching relationships.
• Be honest and seek truth: In relationships, tell the truth even when it's difficult, as transparency strengthens connections.

Resources:

• For more insights from Dr. Stan Beecham, explore his book "Elite Minds" available on Amazon.
• Visit Dr. Stan Beecham's website for further information and resources.

Connect with Dr. Stan Beecham:

• LinkedIn: Dr. Stan Beecham

In embracing life's uncertainties, Dr. Stan Beecham reminds us that every challenge is an opportunity to grow and redefine our purpose

Support the Podcast:

If you found this conversation impactful, please consider subscribing, rating, and leaving a review on your preferred podcast platform. Your support helps us continue to bring you meaningful discussions.

Support and Share:

Share this episode with those who might benefit from these insights—reflecting on life's challenges can inspire growth and resilience in the most unexpected ways.

00:39 Stan's Leukemia Diagnosis

01:53 Hospital Experience and Personal Resilience

04:24 Reflections on Life and Vulnerability

08:07 Paul's Open Heart Surgery

09:02 Stoic Philosophy and Facing Adversity

10:38 Embracing Fate and Life's Challenges

20:44 Identity Be

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Doctor Stanley Beacham, welcome back to the podcast for a
third time.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
Thank you, Paul. It's good to see you again. Yeah,
I like your haircut.

Speaker 3 (00:21):
Man.

Speaker 1 (00:21):
It's it's particularly good to say you because, well, we've
both been through a little bump in the last few
years since we last talked, haven't we. My listeners are
very familiar with my little heck up kid.

Speaker 3 (00:36):
Just talk our listeners through years.

Speaker 2 (00:39):
So in July of twenty twenty three, I was diagnosed
with acute probalystic leukemia. It's a type of leukemia that's
a it's a genetic transformation. They don't even know what
causes it, so it's not like you've got exposed to something.
It's just one of these random acts of the universe.

(01:00):
About four people and a million get it. Anyway. I got. Yeah,
I was getting kind of My health was deteriorate and
I couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought
I had brian kitis because I was having trouble in
my chest and you know, breathing. So I called the
doctor about getting an inhaler and she said, well, when
you come in, we'll check your blood. And so at

(01:21):
ten thirty at night, I get a call from the
doctor's office telling me to go to the emergency room shits.
And I was like, I'll go in the morning, you know,
and they're like, you know, I told the nurses, said
just tell the doctor. I'll go in the morning. She said,
let me call the doctor back. So she calls me
about fifty minutes later and she says, no, you don't
have that kind of time. You need to go tonight.

(01:44):
So I found out about seven o'clock the next morning
that I had leukemia, which explained why I you know,
it felt so bad, you know, for the last several weeks,
and I got to stay in the ICU for twenty
five days. She and they started my chemo, which lasted

(02:05):
one hundred rounds of chemo. So I started chemo in
July of twenty three and I finished it in February
of last year. And you know, it was sitting in
the hospital for twenty five days with kind of nothing
to do. Yeah, you know, that was that was actually

(02:25):
really interesting just to observe how I was experiencing that,
and it was it was interesting because it was really
clear to me that I might die and that I was,
you know, close to the edge. Yes, and after I
got over the surprise of that and realized, yeah, I'm
you know, I'm in a really vulnerable place right now,

(02:46):
I kind of went straight into like, Okay, what do
I want to do with this? And so I kind
of made a promise to myself that I wouldn't be
become a victim of it all, you know, and feel
like I got a bad shake, if you will. And
so I did things like when I got up in
the morning, I would get out of the bed and
I wouldn't get back in my bed. I would you know,

(03:08):
sit in the chair. And I even walked around some
after I got feeling better. And I never wore the
hospital clothes. I had my own clothes and I wore
my own clothes. And so I found you know that,
you know, just like in any life situation, there's some
things you have no control over, which can be a
lot of things, but there's always one or two things

(03:30):
that you can take ownership of. And I knew this
from my own work and my own study, and that
you focus on the things you have control over, not
the things that you don't have control over.

Speaker 3 (03:41):
Yes, And.

Speaker 2 (03:43):
So you know, wearing my own clothes and really the
only other decision I got to make was, you know,
what I had to eat. You know, they would come
around in the morning with the menu and I could
pick my food. Of course, I was limited on the
things that I could pick, but I really just got
focused on, you know, controlling the things that I could
control and accepting the fact that, you know, this may

(04:07):
not end well for me. Yeah, but I can control
my attitude and my approach to it, and so yeah,
it was.

Speaker 3 (04:17):
It was.

Speaker 2 (04:18):
I mean, actually I look back on it. I look
back on it kind of fondly because I think it
really informed me. I think, you know, I'm just more
aware of the fact that there's a randomness to the
universe that affects all of us, but we don't think
about it because the way I think most of us
live our lives, we act as if we have control

(04:38):
over things that we really don't. It's absolutely like we're
just not conscious of how vulnerable we are. That you
know that any moment, you know, your life can can
change in a significant way, and so you know, living
through something like that for such an extended period of time,

(05:00):
I just I just see that now as kind of
the new norm, you know, Like, but it's always been
that way. I just didn't know it. It wasn't so
much that life changed, it's just my awareness and how
I thought about it, you know. And and this the
concept of being vulnerable and that there's no promises and
no guarantees. So when I was in the hospital and

(05:23):
I see you for twenty five days, I thought a
lot about you know, if I live, what am I
going to do differently? Because I said, I can't just
go back to doing, you know, things exactly the way
I did. And I think what I learned in that
time is that the things that I take the most
joy from and appreciate the most or actually just simple

(05:46):
basic things like you know, going for a walk, you know,
having having a meal with some friends, that it's not
you know, it's not the big stuff, you know that
most people think is what makes life great. I think
it's the simple day to day activities that is really

(06:09):
what it's about. I'll tell you a quick story. There
was a guy in the hospital with me and he
left and so I just I thought he was fine.
And he came back about two weeks later, and I
was I could walk around on the unit, but I
couldn't leave the unit. It was kind of like being
incarcerated in prison, because you know, we have no immune system,
so you can't leave the unit because you're too vulnerable

(06:30):
to get sick. So but you had to put a
mask on when you left your own room, and people
had to put a mask when they came into your
room and cover themselves up, you know, in plastic gowns
and the whole thing. And so I remember talking to
this guy and I said, you know, what are you
back for? And he said, well, I think it was
either T cells or a bone marre transplant, can't remember.

(06:53):
He said, I'm back to get this transplant. And I said,
so what's that supposed to do for you? And he said,
they tell me if I do this, I can live
three more months. And this is a guy that was
about forty and I was sixty one at the time,
and he's saying this very matter of fact, you know,
I mean, there's no emotion in his voice. It's just like,

(07:14):
you know, just two guys have a conversation. And I said,
what are you going to do with your time? And
he's like, well, I'd like to go to the beach
one more time. And then he said, then I just
you know, I just want to sit on my back
porch with my dogs and watch him running around in
the yard. And he was he was serious about this,

(07:35):
and that was kind of my first cue was like, Yeah,
that's what That's what makes life really good, you know
and delicious. Is you enjoy you know, watching your dogs
play in the backyard or you know, watching your kid
crawl around on the floor, or you know, having a
meal with a friend. It's not all the big stuff.
So that's that's really stayed with me, and that's really

(07:58):
been helpful.

Speaker 3 (08:01):
That that's that's interesting.

Speaker 1 (08:03):
Stand that that that was the big thing that you
took from it.

Speaker 3 (08:07):
I had just mentioned to you.

Speaker 1 (08:09):
Look, and all my listeners know that I went through
open heart surgery, which was a bit of a surprise,
finding out from a check with my cardiologist that I
was born with the dodgy valve that would kill me.

Speaker 3 (08:22):
And I remember.

Speaker 1 (08:25):
Walking out of there and him saying to me, you
need to have open heart surgery and going home.

Speaker 3 (08:34):
The first thing.

Speaker 1 (08:34):
It's interesting, isn't it that that that what you expose
yourself to tends to come up in those moments. And
you've had a life of being a psychologist, working and
you've wrote a brilliant book called Elite Minds, and you've
worked with the lead athletes about optimizing the mind all

(08:57):
your life. You've work with business consultants. I'm in a
similar space, but as you probably know, I'm quite into
stoic philosophy and awards of Seneca rung in my ears
as I walked out of the Earth, which was I
pitied the man who's not faced adversity because he's not
faced an opponent, and nobody, not even him, knows what

(09:18):
he's capable of. And I remember going home and I
wrote the words worthy opponent on my bathroom mirror, and
my whole idea was this was my worthy opponent that
was going to test and develop me. But it's only
because of all the stuff that I've been exposed to
that then kicks in right and my natural bent and

(09:44):
probably yours as well, because I'm a ridiculous optimist and
I'm going this is all going to be fine. But
I actually had to remember forcing myself and going, no,
you need to find out exactly what the risks are,
and you need to prepare yourself.

Speaker 3 (10:00):
So I'm you go ahead, you go now.

Speaker 2 (10:05):
I was just saying, I remember thinking to myself, I'm
going to find out if I'm a hypocrite because all
the things that I've been, you know, telling other people
you know, to think about or how to approach it.
And I remember thinking, I remember asking myself the question like,
are you going to become a hypocrite? You know, are
you going to become a victim of all of this
and feel sorry for yourself? And you know you're talking

(10:28):
about the stoics, you know, I love this saying a
more fate, you know, lover of faith, Yes, you know?
Of really if you here's here's the way I think
about it. If you can really want your life and
not somebody else's life, If you can want your fate
even if it means you die younger than you wanted to,
or you know, you lose a loved one or whatever.

Speaker 1 (10:50):
Uh.

Speaker 2 (10:51):
If you can really understand the the acceptance and then
the love of one's fate, then you have no regrets
and nothing bad happens to you, right. I mean you
can think of having leukemia or having heart surgery as
you know, a bad thing, and people say, I'm sorry, Well,

(11:11):
it doesn't have to be that way, you know. I mean,
I talk to people in business, you know, and that
you know, they lose a lot of money or they
lose their business and you know, and they recovered from
it away and they look back on it and say,
you know, thank God, I learned that lesson early on. Yeah,
you know, I'm glad I went bankrupt when I was
thirty and you know, when I'm sixty. And I know

(11:32):
it sounds kind of trivial to you know, to say
that out loud, but it's really quite possible that you
can fall in love with your own life, in the
fate of your own life, even the tragedy of it.
Because I can tell you what, when I was in
ICU for twenty five days, you know, getting you know, leukemia,
every day I felt more alive in that hospital room

(11:56):
than I think I ever have my entire life. I mean,
I was fully aware, my mind was you know, I
was paying attention to every moment, and I was really deliberate,
intentional about simple things that, you know, simple decisions, because
even the simple decisions had some value to me.

Speaker 1 (12:17):
Yes, yes, And that it's really interesting that you bring
up amor Fatty that love of feet, because you know,
the the the thing.

Speaker 3 (12:29):
I've been a big believer.

Speaker 1 (12:31):
In fact, I've got a tattoo on my arm and
memento Maury. So particularly Marcus Aurelius said to himself over
and over again, remember that you are mortal, Marcus. And
his whole idea was to remember it, not to be morose,
but to remind yourself that life is a precious gift.

(12:51):
And so when I found out, I forced myself to
go and look at the what's the risks of death?
And then I forced myself to contemplate my own death. Now,
my risk of dying was surprisingly low, actually less than
one percent fatalities on the operating table, and I thought, well,

(13:11):
I'm pretty fit.

Speaker 3 (13:12):
I've got a good chance.

Speaker 1 (13:13):
But I actually forced myself to confront that possibility, not
to be negative, but from that perspective of the sort
of Japanese psychology slant of Arugamama, with things as.

Speaker 3 (13:28):
They are, what needs to be done.

Speaker 1 (13:31):
So I thought to myself, well, you need to get
your reffers in order, you.

Speaker 3 (13:35):
Need to shoot shoot.

Speaker 1 (13:37):
Some videos for your kids in case you do go.
And I actually forced myself to contemplate my own death.
That the thing that I really got into was amor
fatty and and trying to go, well, fuck, if this
is it, right, if this is this is the big
step for me?

Speaker 3 (13:58):
Can you love your feet right?

Speaker 1 (14:00):
Can you say, hey, this might well happen and you
might well go. Can you actually embrice because me, for me,
that's the last big challenge of the Stoics is to
love your feet at even when you get a shit
sandwich from the universe and the thing that and everybody
gets one, oh yes, oh yes, we're all going to

(14:23):
get one, and some people have had, some people have
had their unfair share of shit sandwiches from the universe. Right,
But you know, the thing that really stuck out for me,
I'm not sure about you, was just reflecting on my
life and going, well, if this is it, I was
actually I'm content, And for me, that was the big

(14:48):
take home out of that whole ordeal is that the
goal of life should not be happiness because that's a
fucking fleeting emotion that people chease, and the goal in
life should be contentment or serenity. And I actually started
using this to reflect back on my life and going

(15:09):
fucking hell, I've had a good run, I've done some
amazing shit, I've met some awesome people, and if this
is fated to be it, then it is what it is.
And I was kind of at peace with it. I
knew that, you know, the things I would be sad
about was not seeing my kids grow up, not growing
old with my wife.

Speaker 3 (15:29):
But to your points, then what it.

Speaker 1 (15:33):
Really did is it made me really be much much
more mindful in just daily life. I don't mean sitting
down and meditating. I mean smelling the roses, walking around,
you know, with taking my dogs, are just enjoying seeing
my dogs run around with their tails wagging, looking at
the colors of the sky.

Speaker 3 (15:54):
You know.

Speaker 1 (15:55):
Isn't it strange that we have to go through something
so confronting to really get to the essence of what
life is.

Speaker 2 (16:04):
Yeah, I think it's. I think it's a realization that
you know, you may actually lose your life, it would
come to an end. And again walking right up next
to that and having that experience of being close to
your own death I think can be really informative because
now you know it's going to happen. It didn't happen

(16:26):
that time, but but it is going to happen. You know,
I am going to die, and it's probably not going
to be on my terms, right, it's probably not going
to be when I think it's going to happen, or
how it's going to happen. Because I remember when they
told me I had leukemia. I was really surprised. I
just like I remember thinking, like, I didn't see that
one coming, you know, heart disease. You know, I'd thought

(16:47):
about that, you know, because I've had people in my
family die of heart disease. But I just I just
remember thinking, wow, I never I never thought that's how
I would die, and now that's might that might be
how I die. And I remember when I would I
don't know if it was the first of the second
as in the hospital when the nurses came around and

(17:08):
you know, they ask you all these questions and you
fill out these all these forms about do you want
to be resuscitated or not? Well, yeah, I don't know
if they did that with you. And I remember telling
her that I didn't want to be resuscitated and if
anything happens, just let me go. And I could see
that she was really surprised by that, and she said like,
I don't think you understand what I'm saying, you know,

(17:29):
because evidently most people say, yeah, do everything you can
to keep me alive. And here's this, you know, stupid
souff a bit saying, no, don't try to keep me alive,
just let me go. And so she asked me like
several times because you end up having to sign, and
I said, yeah, don't, don't resuscitate me, don't do anything.
You know, if it's if it's my time to go,
it's my time to go. I don't want to lay

(17:50):
in the bed for months, you know, before I die.
I'd rather just you know, go right away. I don't
want to prolog my dying, you know, I just remembers.

Speaker 1 (18:08):
Sorry, Stine was just going to ask this was that
link to this I'm more fatty idea, this love of fear.

Speaker 2 (18:14):
Well yeah, I mean it was just like if this
is how I'm going to go, whether I go now
or in a month from now, it doesn't matter, you know,
not really not to me. What I didn't what I
didn't want to do, is be a burden, you know,
because I think, you know what this what's interesting is
so why I was fighting for my life against leukemia.

(18:36):
My father had to mention and he was progressively dying.
In fact, he died the week before I finished my
chemo shit. And so that was a real irity, right
as I was fighting to stay alive, and you know,
and there was nothing he could do. And so I'm
watching him deteriorate as I'm slowly getting better, and I

(18:58):
remember thinking, you know, that's that's a unique experience.

Speaker 1 (19:05):
Right, yeah, sometimes the universe those two fus.

Speaker 2 (19:10):
Yeah, yeah, but and I remember just hoping that he
would go ahead and die because his quality of life
was so bad. You know, it's like we treat farm animals,
you know, with more humanity than we do humans. You know,
just people laying in the bed for months at a time.

(19:31):
You know. It's just like, so I'm glad that didn't
happen to me, you know.

Speaker 3 (19:37):
And what did you make any deals with yourself?

Speaker 1 (19:41):
You know, because obviously as you're going through that, there's
a shit heap of stuff that goes through your head.
Did you make any deeds with yourself?

Speaker 3 (19:50):
A Ryan?

Speaker 1 (19:51):
If I get through this, this is what I'm going
to do differently.

Speaker 2 (19:56):
Yeah, you know, I spent actually, when I was in
ICU for twenty five days, I spend a lot of
time thinking about that. You know, if I have a
little bit of time left, how do I want to
spend it. I was thinking about more from the standpoint.
If I just have a couple of years left, you know,
what will I do? And the main thing that came
to me is I'd like to go back to Spain

(20:17):
and walk the Camino to Santiago again, which I actually
did the month after I finished my chemo. I went
over and walked the whole thing again. But I remember
just thinking, you know, I really would like to do
that again. And I remember thinking, I want to keep working,

(20:38):
but I don't want I don't want work, my work
to define me the way that it did. I think
I think too much of my identity, and I think
it's true for a lot of men, you know. I
know it is in the US, and I would imagine
it is in Australia as well, that so much of
your identity is what you do. You know, people say,
you know, it's one of the first things we asked somebody,

(21:00):
what do you do? And then you tell them what
your job is? Right, And I remember, you know, thinking,
I don't I don't like the fact that so much
of my identity is in my work and in my occupation,
and that how I think about myself is so much
tied into how well you know business is going. You know,

(21:21):
then when business is going really well, I feel better
about myself and that kind of thing. And I just
remember thinking that was it's kind of hollow, you know,
like that's but now I work. I still work, but
I work for a different reason. I work because I
realized I have to work because I need something to
focus on that's not me. I think when people don't

(21:45):
stay busy, or they don't have a job, or they
don't have activities, you know that. You know that when
people talk about I'm bored, what I think happens is
when you when you aren't engaged like that, there's a
lot of time to sit around and think about yourself, right,
And I don't think that's good. I know it's not
good for me in my senses, it's not good for

(22:06):
most people. So I mean, one of the benefits of
having work or having other people in your life is
that you don't focus on yourself all the time and
you don't think about yourself. And I know that my
best days are when I'm busy doing other things or
helping other people, and I just don't think about how
stand doing and how's this day going. You know, those

(22:27):
truly are my best days, so I have to fill
them with something, and as long as I can still
work and be of help, I think I'll keep doing that.
But I say that because I think a lot of
people they don't They don't have enough going on, they
don't have enough activity, but challenging activity. You know what
I'm saying. It's one thing to go and find something

(22:50):
to do. It's another thing to seek out something that's
really difficult, because I think we should take on as
much challenge, responsibility, and difficulty as we can tolerate. That
is really being fully alive. You know, when you have
a full plate and you're taking on as much as
you can, not more than you can handle, because now
you're overly stressed. But what I'm saying is I think

(23:11):
a lot of people they actually hurt themselves because they
don't take on as much responsibility as they actually could,
or they don't try to do difficult things. And again
I'm not saying try to do things that you can't do.
I'm saying, go right up to the edge of yourself
right and do as much as you can. Like that

(23:32):
really is the best life.

Speaker 1 (23:34):
That that is where you feel alive, right, and it's yes.
There's a couple of things I want to unpack in
what you just said. The first one was around identity,
because again that that was an interesting thing for me
round you know, you do a lot of self reflection
when you are and facing your own mortality, and you

(23:57):
certainly didn't, and I did, and I was I had
to force myself to overcome my optimism bias because I
wanted to actually use this opportunity to properly meditate on
my death and actually stir into the abyss as you've
talked about and actually you know, take out the lessons

(24:17):
of life and that identity thing.

Speaker 3 (24:21):
You will have seen this more than me.

Speaker 1 (24:22):
I've seen it a lot with business people who retire.
I've seen it with athletes who retire. You will have
seen it with a lot more athletes who stop playing
that they fall into an existential crisis because their identity
is so wrapped up in the stuff that they do.

(24:42):
And I was coaching a guy who was an athlete
who just you know, was a big quite a big athlete,
but then got injured career over and my coaching with
him was to try to get his identity around his
character and his values rather than his job. Because when

(25:07):
we connect our identity to what we do, fucking hell,
we're on thin ice, aren't they.

Speaker 2 (25:15):
Yeah, it doesn't, it doesn't. It won't sustain you the
way I think people think. Again, it's a societal message, right,
you know, go to school, study hard, get a good job,
you know, get promoted, move up the food chain, and
then you'll have a good life. That's I mean, that's
the story we're told, right and versus you know, do

(25:38):
something that you really enjoy doing, that you're passionate about,
that you care about, that you can you know, throw
yourself into so you know, they talk about, you know
in the research. You know when people get into a
flow state or in the zone, you know that there's
no sense of self like, there's no doing. It become

(26:02):
I become the activity to that I'm doing. It's not
that I'm doing the activity, it's that the activity and
I are one thing you can think about. You know.
Musicians talk about this, right, you know when they're having
a jam session. Artists will do that. I mean it's
hard for corporate people to get into it, but but
you can. But that's really what we should be seeking

(26:24):
is this experience of being one with what you're doing
because you're you're you're so engrossed in it and you're
so focused on it and versus thinking about what I'm doing.
Am I making any sense? When you're when you're really
doing it, you're you're not thinking about how well you're

(26:46):
doing it, that all goes away, you know, as well
as distortions and time. And then the other thing you
see when we get in these flow stakes is even
when we're doing things really difficult, we experience them as effortless.
So what that tells me is is the problem is
not doing the difficult task. The problem is is becoming

(27:07):
too aware of oneself or judging oneself when you do
the task. Like, if you can just do the hard
thing without judging yourself, you'll find that you can actually
do a lot more difficult things at a higher level
than you ever thought. So the problem isn't really doing
the task. The problem is the self doubt and the
self judgment that you have in the process of doing
the task.

Speaker 1 (27:29):
I want to connect that flow stit, which is the
optimal state, and anybody who's ever been in it knows
it is an awesome state.

Speaker 3 (27:38):
And I think a lot of people.

Speaker 1 (27:40):
You know, if they're if they're in business in life,
you know, they could probably relate to that in a
time in sport or something where they were doing something
challenge where they were immersed in it.

Speaker 3 (27:50):
But for me, the next step.

Speaker 1 (27:52):
Because we can't be and flow twenty four to seven, right,
but the next step to flow or are cloas to
flow for me is this idea of being fully engaged
in life. And this comes from the research around hardiness.
I'm not sure if you're familiar with the hardiness research

(28:12):
around control orientation, challenge orientation, and commitment orientation. And part
of that commitment orientation is that people who are highly
committed are fully engaged in their activities of life, like
they're curious about life. And you know, these people, they

(28:32):
just they seem to have that zest for life. No
matter what they're doing, they're in it. They're completely in it.
Whether there's a lot of people who are just fucking
blah and who are half doing stuff.

Speaker 3 (28:49):
And I always and.

Speaker 1 (28:51):
That's why I have that Memento Mority tattoo on my arm,
is to just look at it and remind myself, fucking hell,
this day could be here, last why not just be
into shit rather than just go through the motions?

Speaker 3 (29:04):
Right?

Speaker 2 (29:06):
Yeah, what other.

Speaker 1 (29:08):
Lessons or reflections and did you come up as I
think there was two that you talked about to start,
and I want to make them obvert for listeners. That
the idea of what you said without saying it was
and that stoic idea of player given roles, well that

(29:30):
epic Tata said, we are all actors in the play
and at base sometimes we get a part that we
don't want and he's basically talking about the universe and
the ship Sandwich from the universe, but that our focus
in life should be to play our given roles well.
And you clearly stepped into that where it was like, well,

(29:52):
if I'm fated to have leukemia, how do I do
this well? And that was the same with me with
my heart surgery. If if that's my feet, how do
I play this role? Well, that's one that I want
to highlight and we can dive into that a little
bit deeper, but that whole idea of focusing on what
you can control is really important. You talked about your

(30:14):
little routines and what you did. I actually did, and
I don't think i've told anybody this before, but CARDI
couldn't believe it. In ICU, when I first woke up
from heart surgery, I got out of bed and did
ten squats because I just wanted to focus on something
that I could and I wanted to lean into this.

(30:35):
And it wasn't for it was more for the point
of doing the action and getting out of bed and saying,
I ain't taking a shit lying down, I'm just going
to focus on something that I can achieve here. Just
for that that sort of self mastery, I think. So

(30:56):
is there anything else that you want to unpack around
those two things before we talk about all the lessons
that you or I may have learned from this that
could be useful.

Speaker 2 (31:08):
Yeah, I mean to that point, Paul, I think just
a focus on the fact that whatever situation you find
yourself in, you always have a choice. And you know,
there's there's interesting research done on people who are in
survival situations right where some people, you know, get lost
in the woods and die and other people live. And
you know what the research says is the people that die,

(31:29):
they get really mad that they're in the situation and
they say things like I can't believe this happened to me.
This shouldn't happen to me, and they stay really angry
at the situation. They never accept you know, that there
you know, that their ship is capsized in the ocean,
or that they're lost in the middle of the you know,
the woods or the desert or the jungle, and because

(31:50):
their mind is focused on this shouldn't have happened to me,
So those people die. The people that live in survival situations,
they think, Okay, well, this is not how I think
ought today was going to go. But what's the single
best decision that I can make right now to help myself?
And so they think about that is it, you know,
try to find water or shelter or some way to signal.

(32:13):
And so you you focus on what's the single best
thing I can do to help myself survive or what's
the single best decision I can make right now? And
then you do that. And then after you do that,
then uk, what's the next thing I can do?

Speaker 3 (32:26):
Yeah?

Speaker 2 (32:26):
Right, and you just you just keep your mind consumed
with what's the next best choice I can make? And
what you see is that those people tend to survive
in these survivor you know situations, But So if you
don't go back to a more effect, if you don't
accept your situation and you're angry that you're in the

(32:49):
situation that you're in, you will you will undoubtedly do
two things. You will do harm to yourself and you
will do harm to everyone around you because you simply
didn't have the ability to accept that it's my turn.
And I remember saying that to myself when I was
in the hospital, you know, because everybody knows somebody who

(33:10):
had cancer, and I remember just thinking, it's my turn.
And I didn't think it was going to happen this way.
I didn't think it was gonna happen at all. But
this is my turn, and so what am I going
to do with my turn?

Speaker 3 (33:21):
Yeah?

Speaker 1 (33:22):
That, and I think the folk you've really highlighted for me,
and I kind of knew it, but it wasn't that
overt that. The precursor, I think to focusing on what
you can control is acceptance.

Speaker 3 (33:41):
That that is the enabler of focusing on what you
can control.

Speaker 1 (33:47):
Because if we think about this from a broader perspective,
you mentioned I didn't want to be a victim. There's
a lot of people out there who are victims. Are
fucking professional victims. And you will know some of these
people stand that that you know, this person's got it
better than me, that person's got it better than me,

(34:09):
and they they are angry, but it's not just the anger.
It's where their energy goes. It's the flashlight of their
attention is shown on them being a victim.

Speaker 3 (34:21):
And I think the other thing that.

Speaker 2 (34:22):
Is really becomes their identity too.

Speaker 3 (34:25):
Yes, yes, it becomes they're.

Speaker 2 (34:27):
The defining thing about themselves as I'm the person who's
had all these terrible things happen to me, and then
you're supposed to feel sorry for me, and you're supposed
to treat me in some preferential way because of how
difficult I've had it. Of course, if you actually did
that to the person, you would do them a disservice.

Speaker 3 (34:45):
Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 1 (34:46):
And I think the thing that I often say, and
I think it's happening more and more as well as
a victim mentality is an entitlement mentality, that that people
feel like they are entitled to having a good life
and entitled to whether it's not be offended or any
of that.

Speaker 3 (35:06):
I'm just like, this is fucking wrong.

Speaker 1 (35:09):
This is completely the wrong way to approach life, because
it just puts people in a tailspin and all of
their attention and therefore their energy is focused on negative
and war is me and and they're just it's it's
that it's that vacuum of war that energy could be.

(35:32):
It's not just the damaging effect, you know, It's that
it's that double thing. It's like if you have a
shit diet, it's not just the fact that you're eating
shit food that's causing you damage. It's also the fact
that you've crowded out of your diet a lot of
good nourishing food, so you actually end up with a
double one.

Speaker 3 (35:54):
Any thoughts on that.

Speaker 2 (35:56):
And that you don't value yourself enough to take care
of you And so I think, you know, in our
Western society, if we encounter someone who doesn't value and
take care of themselves, it's very difficult for us to
value them too. Like when you run into someone who's
given up on themselves, it's really hard, you know, especially

(36:17):
in the business world, in competitive environments, when you run
into people who've given up on themselves, it's highly unlikely
that the people around you are going to want to
take you on as a project because it takes a
lot of energy, you know. I mean you can do
it if it's a family member or a close friend perhaps,
but we don't normally do that in you know, competitive

(36:40):
environments and business environments. When we see people who've already
given up on themselves, we tend to steer around them
because it's it can be exhausting to be in a
relationship with someone like that.

Speaker 1 (36:52):
Yeah, I you know, what I really struggle is done.
And it's funny you mentioned that when I people who've
given up on themselves. When I see friends who whether
they've been through a marriage breakup and they're being a victim,
I find it really hard not to have contempt for them.

(37:15):
That's something and it's interesting you mentioned that we tend
to stay around them, because that's something that I really
struggle with, is when I see someone who's not helping themselves.
And maybe this is a personal fault of mine, but
I have to force myself not to be contemptuous around
those people. How do you, as a coach and get

(37:38):
around that? Because you have seen and dealt with these people.
I need some tools here for me to deal with
people who've given up on themselves.

Speaker 2 (37:50):
Well, I think I think it's possible to have compassion
for people who are suffering, and that is a form
of suffering and insisting. Like when I run into an
angry person, Now, what I tell to myself is is
that person is hurt, because you don't become angry unless

(38:10):
you're hurt first. And so when I see an angry person,
I just tell myself, this person is hurting, okay, and
don't pay attention to the anger. Look look for the hurt,
and see the hurt beneath the anger. So there are
things like that that we can do. I think. The
other thing I sometimes say to people is, you know,

(38:32):
do you want my help or do you want my
advice on what's going on with you? And if you
ask them, a lot of times they'll say yes, but
they really don't want it. And I'll say, well, if
if my advice were to actually, in the short term,
make you feel worse, would you want to hear it? Right?
Because sometimes the thing that the person needs to hear

(38:53):
is not what they want to hear. You know, it's
not the oh, it's it's going to be okay, honey,
It's going to be all right. And so I find
it helpful to say you know, I'll talk to you
about this, and I'll be honest with you, but I
need to let you know that it's likely that I
might say something that you know you don't like or

(39:13):
is upsetting to you. But I also realize that there
are probably some truths that other people haven't told them right. Yes,
And you know, there's an interesting thomasoul saying that says,
if you want to help someone, tell them the truth,
if you want to help yourself, tell them what they
want to hear. And I think we do that a lot.

(39:34):
But I think so there's what I'm getting to is,
I think the probably the best thing that you can
do for a friend or a loved one is tell
them the truth. And sometimes the truth is is how
you feel when you're in their presence, or the fact
that you find yourself not wanting to be around them
anymore in your trouble by that. But that's the reality. Yeah,

(39:57):
it's you know, it's a risk to speak the truth.
I think telling the truth is probably one of the
most dangerous things that we do. I mean, if you
really are, you know, in fully transparent and candid way
telling the truth, I think it's I think it's very risky,
and it's dangerous because there are people that if you
tell them the truth, they're they're going to write you
off for it, or they're not going to ever want

(40:18):
to be in relationship with you again. You know. I
see it in the workplace all the time, where people
are really won't tell their boss what they really think,
or you know, like couples where they really won't tell
their partner what they really think because they're afraid that,
you know, something bad will come of it, you know,
And so we just we estab we create all these
relationships where we just tiptoe around each other as if

(40:41):
telling the truth is a terrible thing. But the fact
of the matter is the truth. The truth can be painful,
but it doesn't damage you. And this is what a
lot of people don't understand about the truth. It doesn't damage.
It's kind of like getting a shot. When you get
a shot, there's pain when the needle goes in, so
you feel pain, but it's not harming you. It's just painful.

(41:03):
And people need to understand that there's something that can
be painful, but you're not being harmed by it. And
I think, you know, conversation with someone who will really
tell you the truth would be that way, you know,
where it would be painful. And so that's what I
try to do with people, to say, you know, there,
I got something I want to tell you, Paul, but

(41:23):
I'm kind of reluctant to do it because I feel
like if I say this to you, you know, you
might be mad at me and it might damage our friendship.
And then I'll say, so, you know that said, do
you want me to tell you? And almost always they say, yeah,
tell me. So now you're asking me for it, you see.

Speaker 3 (41:40):
So that's the permission.

Speaker 2 (41:41):
That's kind of a nice yeah, yeah, so that's back
to answer your question. That's a nice tactic. If you
have some really hard, you know, difficult things to say
to someone you know, ask them for permission and just
say I'm reluctant to tell you this because I'm afraid
you're going to be hurt by it or angry and
I don't want I don't want that to go there,
but at the same time, I don't want to be disingenuous.

(42:04):
And then once they ask you, they'll say, yeah, I
want you to tell me that, right there changes their
response because now they've asked.

Speaker 3 (42:11):
For Yeah, now that that is gold advice.

Speaker 1 (42:14):
And actually the other bit of advice that I liked
from that is to look what's behind their behavior too.

Speaker 3 (42:23):
Yeah, you know the.

Speaker 1 (42:24):
Old saying, you know, never judge somebody until you've walked
them mile in their shoes. So from the anger, understanding
that there's hurt behind the anger and to look for that.
And one one thing I wanted to talk about you
kind of meant you touched on it a little bit earlier,

(42:44):
But I'm becoming more and more focused on this idea
of your flashlight of your attention. And it's something that
I got from my wife from Japanese psychology where they
they talk about the flashlight of your attention is the
most important thing in your life because and when you

(43:08):
think about it from a neuroscience perspective, Stein, I think
you'll agree that attention is a precursor for everything in
the pream It's a precursor for.

Speaker 3 (43:16):
Emotions and feelings, it's a precursor for auction.

Speaker 1 (43:20):
Has this experience changed Were you direct the flashlight of
your attention or were that flashlight lingers longer?

Speaker 2 (43:34):
I think I'm more intentional about how I spend my
time just because I feel like I have less of it.
There's a there's an urgency that I that I feel
so for like, let for example, last weekend, I went
down to Guadalajara, Mexico to visit a friend, and I
think probably normally I wouldn't have done that, but I

(43:56):
remember thinking to myself, this might be my only chance
ants to go. And when I said that to myself,
this is this will probably be my only chance. Then
I went versus I think if you talked to me
five years ago, my response would have been, Oh, there'll
be another chance, There'll be another opportunity, yes, yes, right,
And now I realize, no, there's there's like a lot

(44:18):
of things that you're going to do one last time
or or you're only going to have one opportunity in
your whole life to do it. And what are you
going to say? You know, you're going to say yes
or no. So I think I've been more open to
doing some things that maybe you call it spontaneous. But

(44:38):
I'll give you another just simple example. So I travel
a good bit for work. And one of the things
that I realized when I was in the hospital for
so long is I don't mind the business travel and
the and the work what I really dislike is the
hotel room, you know, you know, the isolation of it.
So I thought, well, if I can, if I can

(44:59):
stay with friends instead, that would make it better. So,
you know, I reached out to some friends and like
they're like, there's a company I work with in Dallas,
and one of the guys, who's a senior guy with
the company, I've known for a long time. And I
told him, I said, look, let me, let me just
tell you what's going on. It's like, I don't want
to stay in a hotel anymore. You know, I want
to stay at somebody's house and his kids are grown

(45:20):
like mine. And I was like, you know, if you
and your wife are comfortable, I would like love to
stay with you guys, and you know, and find a
way to reciprocate, like you know, take them out to
and whatnot. And so I've been doing that for a
year now and it's been wonderful, and you know, I
really enjoy being there and they enjoy having me, at
least they act like they enjoy having me, and so

(45:42):
it's just kind of a win win thing. And so
I think about that, you know, of the things that
you don't enjoy but yet are still necessary find a
way to make it more fulfilling. Yeah, and that sometimes
and that sometimes means asking someone to help you. And

(46:04):
I realized one of the things I realized being in
the hospital is I don't mind it at all if
people ask me for help, but I really have a
hard time doing that. And I think I have this
concern of I don't want to be a burden or
a problem to someone. And I know there's kind of
a womb there, you know that that's about because it

(46:28):
doesn't bother me when people ask for help. But for
some reason, I've really struggled to do that myself. And
you know, I remember thinking, I've got to I've got
to work on that. I've got to be willing to
ask for help or ask for what I need. The
person can always say no, but you know if you
don't ask, But what you you know, people who freely give,

(46:50):
they'll tell you they get something out of.

Speaker 3 (46:52):
Giving, right, Yes, yes, so mean it.

Speaker 2 (46:55):
Works both ways. So I was I was unbalanced in
that way.

Speaker 3 (47:00):
Mm hm.

Speaker 1 (47:01):
The the urgency thing is is really interesting and similar
to your story about going down to I can't remember
what he said, it was Mexico or whatever to visit
someone might be that did you get Because I was
hymning and haying about going back to the UK before
my operation, and then I actually thought to myself, fucking hell,

(47:24):
I need to go just in case. And I called
it my just in case visit, right, and everything was
so I'd go, I'd visit my navy mats. I visited
my mates from UNI and I was like, We're going
out to have a just in case party, just in
case I didn't make it. On the other side, because
I actually I thought about it and I thought, well,

(47:45):
what would I regret if I did die on the
operating table? What would I regret not having done? And
And that's the the attitude that I had in facing
my mortality was was not to be negative, but to
go I've got a shot here to do stuff or
to to not have any regrets, and so focusing that

(48:10):
potential negative outcome on well, what needs to be done right?
If you're going to cark it on the operating table,
what would you have regretted not doing? And they were
the things that I made myself do right. But it
then spills over, doesn't it to your point that you
start to live more in the moment and have more

(48:33):
of that sense of urgency because we actually are. When
you're confronted with your own death, you realize, fucking hell, Hi,
just high, not only precious, but just hi.

Speaker 3 (48:48):
What's the word I'm looking for?

Speaker 1 (48:50):
Hi?

Speaker 3 (48:51):
Easily it can be gone life.

Speaker 2 (48:53):
Yeah. You know. The other thing that came to me
in all this is, you know, when someone has a
family member or friend that dies, you know, we say
I'm sorry. In other words, we think of death as
a bad thing, as an unfortunate thing. And kind of
where I'm at with right now is it's the next thing.

(49:14):
I don't have to think of my death or anyone's
death as a bad thing. I can think of it
as that's the next thing that happens, right It is
like you weren't alive, and you know, then you got born,
and then you lived, then you died, and then whatever
happens after that. Of course, you know, there's a lot
of theories on what happens when the physical body dies,
and I'm no expert, but some of the things that

(49:35):
people believe I kind of have to chuckle at. But
you know, I think what happens when when we die
is that there's a handful of people who really loved
us and they miss us and they and they grieve
and they feel bad for a while. Like that's what
I think happens when we die, is the people who
love us hurt, but we don't hurt. The person that
died doesn't hurt. There's no pain, you know what I'm saying.

(49:58):
If I'm the dead guy, there's no pain for me,
but my loved ones there is. And but anyway, what
I'm getting to is is like do we have to
think of death as this bad thing that we should
all try to avoid at all costs? Like how's that
serving us? And again, I'm not saying like I want
to die, but I'm just saying it's like it's it's

(50:20):
it's you know, it's okay, you know, it's all right.
You know it's the next thing. And I don't know
what it's going to be like. But you know, I'm
kind of curious. Yes, yes, I'd love to be an expert.
I'd love to be with these guys who you know,
you know, yeah, I died and came back and I
can tell you.

Speaker 1 (50:38):
But I am where I've landed with this. And again,
I think I think it's such a good exercise to
really confront your own mortality. And unfortunately, you know, for
most of us, we are forced into it from that situation.
But it's I think it's an opportunity deny to many

(51:00):
to be able to confront your own mortality. And the
conclusion that I came to is that death is when
I go to die. By my numbers up, I'm entering
into life's last great adventure.

Speaker 3 (51:15):
That's it. It's the last adventure.

Speaker 1 (51:17):
And we go into it and we'll either know or
we won't know. But it's life's last great adventure. And
it's as you said, it's just the next step.

Speaker 2 (51:29):
And I think the dead guy is not the one suffering.
It's the loved ones of the dead guys suffer. The
dead person's free.

Speaker 1 (51:37):
So is there something stand that you would having gone
through that experience, that you would like your eighteen year
old self to know, or some of the young people
out there to know, or even anybody just in terms
of lessons, But what's the poignant ones.

Speaker 3 (51:59):
That you come come through with this?

Speaker 1 (52:01):
Because I'm sure you analyze that that whole experience, given
what you actually do, right, it's hard not to analyze
and watch your own journey through that.

Speaker 2 (52:13):
Yeah. I remember when I was in the hospital and
my son and one of his best friends came to
visit me one evening and his his my son's friend
is a really inquisitive, inquisitive, bright kid, and he was
asking me about, you know, what I've learned from all
this and what's changed, And I said, and what advice

(52:33):
that I have, you know? And I said to him,
I said, you know, just get on with your life.
If there's something that you really want to do, don't
don't wait around for the right time of the perfect situation.
You know, Uh, live your life with a sense of urgency.

(52:53):
And because if you don't, then you're then you're waiting
to start your life. Yes, and that's terrible. So anyway,
I didn't know it at the time, and I found
out later. But this kid, he went to his job
the next day or that week and he quit his
job and he started his own business that he was

(53:16):
wanting to do. And he told me about it later.
I said, well, thank god it's working out for you.
Otherwise I would have felt like an ass, you know,
but in just that sense of like, you know, what
do you want to do with this one wild and
precious life that you have because you're not going to
have it for much longer. Yes, you know, and so

(53:37):
the thing that you've been thinking about doing that you
haven't had the courage to do. You know, when you're dead,
you're going to have the courage because you're not going
to be afraid anymore. But you don't have but you
ran out of time.

Speaker 1 (53:50):
It's interesting because I had written Dyne the thing for
me to coach myself or others, seize opportunities, seize them,
And it's a lie with there's I'm not sure if
you're familiar with this research from Richard Wiseman, who's a
British psychologist and a very very good one, but has
studied lucky people in the UK. Right, And he did

(54:12):
this massive study where he advertised and he's been on
TV and all sorts of stuff. Right, So he designed
this study where he advertised he wanted people who were
unlucky and people who were lucky, and and so he
got a whole heap of volunteers and being in the UK,
there was clearly more people who felt they were unlucky

(54:34):
than the way they were lucky.

Speaker 3 (54:36):
But he basically did a series.

Speaker 1 (54:39):
Of experiments and analysis of these people and found that
lucky people are actually no luckier than unlucky people. They
just take their opportunities because when an opportunity comes, they
have an optimism bias and they actually go, I'm going
to go and do this, whereas the un lucky people,

(55:01):
because of their filter, they still have opportunities, but they
either don't see the opportunities or they don't take them
because they go that will not walk out for me,
or the time isn't right. And and to your point, Stein,
and if the time isn't right, it might be your
only time.

Speaker 3 (55:20):
You might not get another shot.

Speaker 2 (55:22):
Yeah, I heard a really interesting thing the other day.
It was actually it was on a TV show called Landman.
Billy Bob Thornton plays a oil guy in West Texas
and he's and he's given advice to his teenage daughter
who has a boyfriend at the time, and he says,
every relationship that you have is going to fail except

(55:44):
for the last one, you know, and the kids like seventeen.
So if this relationship that you have, the boyfriend, if
this isn't the last one, it's going to fail, you know.
And I wish someone had said that to me when
I was young, Like, you know, every relationship you have
is going to fail. It's going to end. There's going
to be a break up, you know, and there'll probably
be some heartache. But if you're lucky the last one,
there won't be the I mean, it still might be difficult,

(56:06):
but you know, I think about that same you know
thought process applies to a lot of things, like sometimes
you have to take a job that you don't want
so that you can get the job that you do want. Yes, right,
And I mean that was one of the pieces of
advice I gave my son when he's came along. It's like,
you know, take this job not because you want it,

(56:27):
but take this job because it's going to help you
get the job that you want. And I see a
lot of people they're really reluctant to do that, like,
you know, I don't want.

Speaker 3 (56:34):
To do that.

Speaker 2 (56:35):
But if you understood that, it was you know, it's
like it's part of your path, and it's a you know,
on your journey, there's uphill, right, and there's days where
you walk in the rain, and that's all part of
the journey. It's not you know, slightly downhill with the
wind at your back. That's not that's not what anyone gets.
But I think a lot of people don't understand that
doing the difficult thing or the thing that you initially

(56:57):
don't want in that moment is act. See what's going
to make you become the person that you want to be.
You know, it's that saying of you know, hard times
make strong men, strong men make good times. Good times
make weak men. Weak men make hard times. I thought
about that a lot as well. You know, It's like,

(57:17):
so the question is do you want to be a
strong person? Yes, okay, then you must embrace the hard times.

Speaker 3 (57:23):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (57:24):
Right, And that's the back to where we started where
It's like, I think most people, if you ask them
what they really want, what they'll tell you is they
want their life to be you whan they say they
want to be happy or whatever. They want their life
to be easier. They don't want to struggle as much
as they are. But I think the struggle is absolutely necessary.
So I would say, is you want to if your

(57:45):
life is not going well or if you feel stuck,
Chances are you're not struggling enough. You're not taking on
them enough difficulty, and you're not taking on enough responsibility.
You actually have to make things more difficult and challenging
for yourself. That's how you get unstuck.

Speaker 1 (58:02):
Yeah, you've got to get into the contest of life,
I think is the key thing is you've got to
be in it and you've got to look at it
that life is a contest. I think that's one that
the Stoics really imprinted upon me is.

Speaker 2 (58:18):
Yes, and the competitions with yourself.

Speaker 1 (58:21):
Exactly, and he said the Olympic Games are upon us.
There is no time to waste, right, which is that
sense of urgency Again? The thing that are one of
the things that really landed for me in that what
advice would I give myself or my younger self, or

(58:41):
would I give or have I given my kids?

Speaker 3 (58:44):
Is to give more than you take.

Speaker 1 (58:47):
And from that I mean from an energy perspective, from
a relationship perspective, and any group that you're in is
to have the attitude to give more than you take,
so to be a positive ball of energy. Because as
I think about this, we're all just little little blots

(59:09):
of energy.

Speaker 3 (59:09):
Right.

Speaker 1 (59:10):
If you're in a zoom out over your town and
my time, you see all of these little dots of
energy and they're just bumping into each other, right, And
some of them they're like, I have this kind of
vision of some of them are colored red and they're angry,
and they're bouncing off all these other little balls and
they're making them turn more red. And that's having a

(59:33):
knock on effect. Right. And when you think about this,
it's like you fucking you impact the energy of everybody
that you interact with through your energy. So my thing
with my kids is really just you need to give
more than you take and not go into relationships or
not go into workplaces or whatever it is thinking that

(59:56):
I want to take more than I give. If we
can flip out of rhynd, I think that is one
of the keys to a life of flourishing. Not an
easy life, but a life of flourishing.

Speaker 2 (01:00:08):
Yeah, when I was in the hospital, I had my
girlfriend bring my little speaker and so I play music.
And when the people would come in to clean the room,
I would ask them what's your favorite music and they
would tell me, or I would just say do you
like this, and I'd turn it up. But when the
people would come and clean a room, I'd turn the

(01:00:29):
music up really loud, you know, and kind of you know,
dance around with them. Yes, And I remember thinking, like,
imagine having the job of cleaning hospital rooms of people
that are literally dying, Like that's a shitty job. And
I remember thinking like, if I can, you know, give
this woman, you know, ten minutes of joy. And it

(01:00:51):
worked and it made me feel better because I could
see how happy they were, you know. And by the
end of the month I was there, They're like, oh,
I love coming to clear in your room, doctor Beacham,
because you're gonna play good music. We're gonna have fun.
I said, yeah, why not, you know. And you know,
I don't know how that came to me, but you know,
I'm glad that it did. But I mean, it's not
like a difficult thing, you know. I mean it's just

(01:01:15):
doing a hundred of those little things to yourself and
to other people. Yes, you know again, the you know,
the walk Away lesson for me is that the joy
of life is is doing the simple things with grace.
Like I walk every day now, for I walk an
hour in the morning, I walk an hour in the afternoon,

(01:01:35):
and I look forward to it and it's you know,
going for a walk is such a simple thing, but
I get such joy out of it, you know, or
you know, bumping into people and saying hey to them.
I mean, you know, that's.

Speaker 1 (01:01:47):
It, Yes, And I see to that point. The thing
that change. One of the things that changed and when
I got is I stopped walking with my EarPods. And
because I used to go out and take my dogs
out for a walk every.

Speaker 3 (01:02:03):
Morning and every evening when I'm around.

Speaker 1 (01:02:05):
And I like to do it at sunset, but sunrise
and sunset. But I used to listen to podcasts because
I'm thinking, I'll kill two birds with one stone here.
And I took my earbuds out and just have forced
myself to be present, to listen to the birds in
the morning, to look at the chains, and like to
see my dogs and having such a great time sniffing around.

Speaker 3 (01:02:28):
It's those little moments, isn't it.

Speaker 1 (01:02:30):
And if we can and that's I guess the essence
of what the Buddhist talks about with mindfulness. It's not
sitting fucking cross legged in a lotus pose. It's actually
just being fully engaged in life in all that it
has to offer, isn't it.

Speaker 2 (01:02:45):
Yeah. And there's a lot that life offers us and
we miss it, you know, because we're caught up in
something else. Usually ourselves are concerned for ourselves. You know,
what would your life look like if you were free
from concern about how you were doing? You know, what
would happened to you if you didn't think about yourself
much anymore? You thought about other people or other things.

(01:03:07):
The answer is your your quality of life would go
up significantly.

Speaker 1 (01:03:11):
Yeah, absolutely, Stan, this has been as usual for the
third time, and so much good shit to think about.
And I mean you are the epitome of the stoic play.
You're giving rule as well. So I tip my hat
to you, sir. And what's what's one thing that you

(01:03:32):
are very much looking forward to now that you've had
that second chance from the universe.

Speaker 2 (01:03:38):
Watching my kids and my grandchild grow up and just
seeing you know, what they become, that's still the exciting.
And watch another I mean, you know, where I live,
there's kids around, and I love I love watch and
see how they change, you know, and just you know,
just the day to day growth, you know, or year
to year growth that you see with kids. I just

(01:04:01):
think it's amazing. And so that's, you know, I think
that's probably the thing that I'm most interested and curious
about what's going to happen. Is you know, how are
these people that I know and I've watched them from
day one? And you know how you know when they're
full grown adults, what does that look like? I think
that's the thing I'm most interested in. And then then

(01:04:21):
the other thing is is I get I'm sixty three now,
so I don't know. I lived twenty more years. I
don't know what it is. But you know, how how
do I age? Do I age gracefully? You know? Do I?
You know, I'm just kind of curious to see kind
of what's next, because there's going to be a next
thing and I'm really curious to see what that is

(01:04:43):
and how I respond to it.

Speaker 1 (01:04:45):
Yeah. Yeah, I love that the curiosity be. And actually,
what's written on my bathroom murror right now is growing
old is a privilege tonight.

Speaker 2 (01:04:54):
And yeah, I like that growing old as a privilege
of nine too many I'll remember that, Paul, Thank you
for that one.

Speaker 3 (01:05:00):
Very cool. I think you need to write a book
on this, really.

Speaker 1 (01:05:05):
I think there's I think there's another book of of
what you learned, because you've just you've got not only
amazing insights that you've amassed over your years.

Speaker 3 (01:05:16):
But but you have.

Speaker 1 (01:05:18):
Just a way of fucking delivering those insights with impact.
And I often say the best thing that anybody ever
said on my podcast was you saying, in order to
optimize your life, you need to take on as much
challenges and responsibility as you can tolerate, and every now

(01:05:38):
and then you need to walk right to the edge
of yourself and stir into the abyss like that, look
over the edge, look over the edge, take.

Speaker 2 (01:05:47):
On to the edge, don't jump, just look over.

Speaker 1 (01:05:52):
And me and you have had the benefit of actually
really looking into the abyss now and walking back and
taking on the lessons, so that actually in retrospect, and
I know you're the same because you said at the start,
is actually a privilege to be able to really stir
into the abyss and to walk back.

Speaker 2 (01:06:15):
And that be and not be eternally wounded by m Yeah, yes,
very true, Very cool.

Speaker 3 (01:06:23):
Doctor Stanley Beacham. You are frigging awesome.

Speaker 1 (01:06:26):
So work can people go to find more about you
and and get your awesome book Elite Minds, which they
have to get, and and also whether they'll be able
to find your next book when you've managed to write it.

Speaker 2 (01:06:38):
Well, you buy everything on Amazon now right, so the
book you can that's the best play to get it
is Amazon. And then I have a website, doctor Standbeacham
dot com and you can track me down that way
or on LinkedIn. I'm on LinkedIn.

Speaker 1 (01:06:52):
Yeah cool, excellent, Thanks Stan, I will thank you forward
to seeing you again.

Speaker 3 (01:06:57):
Cheers mate.

Speaker 2 (01:06:58):
Okay,