September 15, 2024 • 8 mins
The Stoic Art of Acquiescence is one we can all apply to our lives to reduce the struggle we so often have with what we can't change in our lives. Carly tells a personal and moving story to reflect on this practice and offers you, the listener, the invitation to apply this to your own life.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:09):
Hi everybody. Carly Taylor here for this week's Mojoy Monday.
So I'm going to talk today about a very helpful
idea that comes from the Stoics, and that is called
the art of acquiescence. And I'm going to start with
a story. So my mother passed away a little over
(00:29):
ten years ago. She had CLLL, which is chronic lymphocytic leukemia,
and what that is is cancer of the bone marrow
and there's no cure because it's chronic and it slowly
gets worse over time. And her journey with cll lasted
around seven years. So the story that I'm going to
tell you about my mum is around the final months
(00:52):
of her life. And looking back, I think I was
pretty much in denial that her death was imminent. Cancer
can often be a hidden illness and people can still
function every day with cancer but be very very ill
at the same time. And one day she sat me
(01:15):
down with a cup of tea in her little flat
in Brunswick in Melbourne, and she told me she only
had a couple of months to live. So suddenly what
I'd been avoiding became very very real. I was in tears,
but what struck me most was how calm she was.
She was completely level headed, even as she went over
(01:39):
her funeral wishes and where she'd left things for me
and my brother to sort out in her flat. She
was very very calm. And then she shared something very unexpected.
She said that she was planning this big lunch and
it was called her celebration of life lunch. So what
her idea was that instead of having a wake after
(02:02):
she passed, she wanted to host her own celebration while
she was still alive. So she gathered her closest people,
some of whom flew in from interstate, and booked a
private room at the Flower Drum in Melbourne, the Chinese restaurant.
And this restaurant was particularly special because she had spent
(02:23):
several years in China and she had a deep love
for Chinese culture. But the thing is, this lunch wasn't
just about celebrating her life. She made it very very clear.
It was to celebrate everyone's lives who were there that day,
and she set one rule, no tears. In fact, Paul
(02:44):
was the tear police. He had to make sure that
there were no tears because it was meant to be
a happy occasion and a true celebration of all our lives.
So it was three weeks to the day before she
passed away that the lunch took place, and she stood
up and she gave a speech, and she mentioned every
(03:07):
single person in the room sharing what they meant to her.
And there would have been I reckon fifty or sixty
people there, and she spoke with such eloquence and confidence.
It was as if she was holding court at this
grand event. And afterwards everyone was taking photos of her
(03:28):
like she was celebrity. And then three weeks too that
day she left us. So this brings me to a
stoic concept called the art of acquiescence, and whether Mum
knew it or not, she embodied this in her final months.
It's a strength I think we can all learn from.
(03:51):
So there's a stoic quote, the fates guide the person
who accepts them and hinder the person who resists them.
When Mum got her diagnosis, after the initial shock, she
was able to accept it, and of course it was
a rollercoaster journey over seven years, but there was an
(04:12):
underlying acceptance that she had to have. So it was like,
what's the point in denying something that you cannot change?
And that's exactly what the art of acquiescence is, accepting
or surrendering to what we can't change. And that's not
about giving up or liking it, but fully embracing the
(04:34):
reality of what is. An epictetis then said to turn
our attention to gratitude, and this is what Mum did.
She turned to how grateful she was to all the
people in her life. Now, you don't have to be
dying to apply this to your life. In fact, I
try to intentionally practice this every day with the small things.
(04:57):
And this isn't to say that, you know, we shouldn't
complain about anything, but so often we spend way too
much time in that space. So think about all the
little things that frustrate you. You know, we get a
red light when we're running late, the supermarket trolley wheels
don't work, that's one of my gripes. We don't get
(05:18):
the job we wanted, the rain ruins our plans, or
you go through a painful relationship on marriage breakup. You know,
our kids move out and the house feels too quiet.
All these things we can get really caught up in
them in these moments because we think life shouldn't be
this way, or we don't want it to be this way,
(05:38):
or we don't want to feel like this. But reality
is often different to what we think it should be. Marita,
the founder of Marita Therapy, says, our thoughts are not reality.
Our thoughts are ideas about reality, and he called the
resistance to what is reality a contradiction of ideas. So
(06:00):
rather than listening to our complaining minds about how things
should be, we can practice surrendering to how things are
and surrendering to the things that we cannot change. Now,
this isn't easy. It's a skill and it's one that
takes practice. It also takes humility and a willingness to
(06:20):
sit with the discomfort that it may bring. But when
we do, it opens up space. It's the Japanese concept
of arrogamama, which I often talk about, which is more
of an experience than a translatable word. But the closest
we get is as it is for the suchness of things.
(06:42):
And then from that place of acceptance we ask what
needs to be done, And really the bottom line of
that is that we are avoid resisting what is. And
that's how my mother lived her final weeks, fully present
to what is, and I think we can all bring
(07:04):
that mindset into our daily lives. So ask yourself, what
do you need to surrender to that you cannot change
what's stressing you out right now, that you simply need
to accept. Marcu's really has said over two thousand years ago,
if you are distressed by anything external, the pain is
(07:27):
not due to the thing itself, but to your own
estimate of it, and this you have the power to
revoke at any moment. It takes courage and wisdom, which
are two core Stoic virtues, to truly accept reality when
we don't like it and surrender to it. Surrendering isn't
(07:49):
giving up, but when we do surrender, we lighten the
weight of our struggles and we can focus our energy
on what is within our control, and in doing so
we can live more fully, embracing life with all its
ups and downs. So this week I invite you to
become aware of what you can't change right now and
(08:10):
make room for what is. And if you do this
with the small daily things in your life, you will
train yourself to deal with the more inevitable, challenging aspects
of life. So that's it from me this week. I
hope you all have a fantastic week and I will
catch you next Monday.
Hi everybody. Carly Taylor here for this week's Mojoy Monday.
So I'm going to talk today about a very helpful
idea that comes from the Stoics, and that is called
the art of acquiescence. And I'm going to start with
a story. So my mother passed away a little over
(00:29):
ten years ago. She had CLLL, which is chronic lymphocytic leukemia,
and what that is is cancer of the bone marrow
and there's no cure because it's chronic and it slowly
gets worse over time. And her journey with cll lasted
around seven years. So the story that I'm going to
tell you about my mum is around the final months
(00:52):
of her life. And looking back, I think I was
pretty much in denial that her death was imminent. Cancer
can often be a hidden illness and people can still
function every day with cancer but be very very ill
at the same time. And one day she sat me
(01:15):
down with a cup of tea in her little flat
in Brunswick in Melbourne, and she told me she only
had a couple of months to live. So suddenly what
I'd been avoiding became very very real. I was in tears,
but what struck me most was how calm she was.
She was completely level headed, even as she went over
(01:39):
her funeral wishes and where she'd left things for me
and my brother to sort out in her flat. She
was very very calm. And then she shared something very unexpected.
She said that she was planning this big lunch and
it was called her celebration of life lunch. So what
her idea was that instead of having a wake after
(02:02):
she passed, she wanted to host her own celebration while
she was still alive. So she gathered her closest people,
some of whom flew in from interstate, and booked a
private room at the Flower Drum in Melbourne, the Chinese restaurant.
And this restaurant was particularly special because she had spent
(02:23):
several years in China and she had a deep love
for Chinese culture. But the thing is, this lunch wasn't
just about celebrating her life. She made it very very clear.
It was to celebrate everyone's lives who were there that day,
and she set one rule, no tears. In fact, Paul
(02:44):
was the tear police. He had to make sure that
there were no tears because it was meant to be
a happy occasion and a true celebration of all our lives.
So it was three weeks to the day before she
passed away that the lunch took place, and she stood
up and she gave a speech, and she mentioned every
(03:07):
single person in the room sharing what they meant to her.
And there would have been I reckon fifty or sixty
people there, and she spoke with such eloquence and confidence.
It was as if she was holding court at this
grand event. And afterwards everyone was taking photos of her
(03:28):
like she was celebrity. And then three weeks too that
day she left us. So this brings me to a
stoic concept called the art of acquiescence, and whether Mum
knew it or not, she embodied this in her final months.
It's a strength I think we can all learn from.
(03:51):
So there's a stoic quote, the fates guide the person
who accepts them and hinder the person who resists them.
When Mum got her diagnosis, after the initial shock, she
was able to accept it, and of course it was
a rollercoaster journey over seven years, but there was an
(04:12):
underlying acceptance that she had to have. So it was like,
what's the point in denying something that you cannot change?
And that's exactly what the art of acquiescence is, accepting
or surrendering to what we can't change. And that's not
about giving up or liking it, but fully embracing the
(04:34):
reality of what is. An epictetis then said to turn
our attention to gratitude, and this is what Mum did.
She turned to how grateful she was to all the
people in her life. Now, you don't have to be
dying to apply this to your life. In fact, I
try to intentionally practice this every day with the small things.
(04:57):
And this isn't to say that, you know, we shouldn't
complain about anything, but so often we spend way too
much time in that space. So think about all the
little things that frustrate you. You know, we get a
red light when we're running late, the supermarket trolley wheels
don't work, that's one of my gripes. We don't get
(05:18):
the job we wanted, the rain ruins our plans, or
you go through a painful relationship on marriage breakup. You know,
our kids move out and the house feels too quiet.
All these things we can get really caught up in
them in these moments because we think life shouldn't be
this way, or we don't want it to be this way,
(05:38):
or we don't want to feel like this. But reality
is often different to what we think it should be. Marita,
the founder of Marita Therapy, says, our thoughts are not reality.
Our thoughts are ideas about reality, and he called the
resistance to what is reality a contradiction of ideas. So
(06:00):
rather than listening to our complaining minds about how things
should be, we can practice surrendering to how things are
and surrendering to the things that we cannot change. Now,
this isn't easy. It's a skill and it's one that
takes practice. It also takes humility and a willingness to
(06:20):
sit with the discomfort that it may bring. But when
we do, it opens up space. It's the Japanese concept
of arrogamama, which I often talk about, which is more
of an experience than a translatable word. But the closest
we get is as it is for the suchness of things.
(06:42):
And then from that place of acceptance we ask what
needs to be done, And really the bottom line of
that is that we are avoid resisting what is. And
that's how my mother lived her final weeks, fully present
to what is, and I think we can all bring
(07:04):
that mindset into our daily lives. So ask yourself, what
do you need to surrender to that you cannot change
what's stressing you out right now, that you simply need
to accept. Marcu's really has said over two thousand years ago,
if you are distressed by anything external, the pain is
(07:27):
not due to the thing itself, but to your own
estimate of it, and this you have the power to
revoke at any moment. It takes courage and wisdom, which
are two core Stoic virtues, to truly accept reality when
we don't like it and surrender to it. Surrendering isn't
(07:49):
giving up, but when we do surrender, we lighten the
weight of our struggles and we can focus our energy
on what is within our control, and in doing so
we can live more fully, embracing life with all its
ups and downs. So this week I invite you to
become aware of what you can't change right now and
(08:10):
make room for what is. And if you do this
with the small daily things in your life, you will
train yourself to deal with the more inevitable, challenging aspects
of life. So that's it from me this week. I
hope you all have a fantastic week and I will
catch you next Monday.
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