August 1, 2025 • 17 mins
Celebrity gossip has NEVER been juicer than this.
Like, literally. It’s the 1660s. We just invented celebrities last week.
A washed-up, jaded gossip podcast host is transported to 1660s London in the thick of England's Stuart Restoration following a freak matcha-spilling accident. There, he meets the famed diarist Samuel Pepys, whose writings give us a first-hand peek into the world of Restoration theatre and the beginnings of modern celebrity culture. Convinced he needs to learn something about this era to get back to our time, the Podcaster and Pepys strike a deal to work together and achieve their respective goals.
S1 of The Peek Stars:
Samuel Pepys – Ethan Peña Mock
The Stranger / Valentino – Charlie B. Foster
Jane Birch – Melissa Bautista
Guest Starring:
Francesca Pinilla (Nell Gwyn), Anna Mayo (Elizabeth Pepys), Kana Seiki (Emily the Intern), Eunan Cannon (Priest/Stagehand), Celeste Samson (Boy/Witch), James Kenna (Sir Thomas Killigrew), Aaron Dorelien (Sir William Davenant), Jacqueline McKenna (Mary Knep), Alex Ramirez Cannon (Thomas Betterton), James Carlos Lacey (King Charles II), Zachary Harrison Poli (The Bard), and Lee Melillo (Aphra Behn).
Written and Directed by Lee Melillo
Additional Script Edits by Charlie B. Foster
Executive Produced by Anna Mayo & Lee Melillo
Associate Produced by Adeline Blue
Support the show by Subscribing!
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Check out our website: thepeekwithsamuelpepys.com
Episode transcripts here: thepeekwithsamuelpepys.com/transcripts
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New episodes every Friday at 12:00AM GMT-4.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
The Podcaster (00:15):
Our thanks to Tastables for sponsoring that
last segment.
Tastables, our cheese isn'tmoldy.
It's not real cheese.
So shut up and eat yourcrackers.
Tastables.
Now, for today's final topic,and this is a big one, Peep
Squad, so stick around for usfinally going there.
That's right.
We're talking second generationplastic surgery.
(00:38):
Let's discuss which celebritynepo babies have gotten nose
jobs to match their famousparents.
Wait, hold on.
Pause.
Hey, Emily?
Eminem?
Can we chat?
Thanks.
Emily the Intern (00:57):
Stop calling me Eminem.
No
The Podcaster (00:58):
thanks.
This segment's stupid.
Emily the Intern (01:01):
This one?
As opposed to every other one?
The Podcaster (01:05):
There's that flat formulaic Gen Z humor that I
cannot stand.
I'm just, uh...
Isn't there anything moresubstantial to talk about this
week more than nepo noses?
Not trying to be a needydickhead, but you've been giving
me literally nothing to workwith for months now.
Emily the Intern (01:21):
Okay.
Well, first, the nepo hatetrain is still going strong,
still very relevant, so don'tpretend I'm giving you old news.
Like, all my love to MargaretQualley and Jack Quaid and those
strange, strange SNL boys.
But the others?
Boo-hoo! Go to med school ifyou can't take the heat! And
(01:41):
second, you need listeners.
Got it?
Not substance.
We all want to eat,
The Podcaster (01:47):
right?
I see.
You're phoning it in becauseyou want a raise.
Emily the Intern (01:50):
Dude, I'm getting paid in class credit.
The Podcaster (01:54):
Do you want another credit?
Emily the Intern (01:57):
Not how it works.
Then what do you- If you don'tlike the segment, that's fine.
But I did not have thespiritual fortitude to make
another one, so like, on you toreplace it.
Also, just pointing out, we'relike super over time because you
took forever trying to get thecashier at Cava to give you
extra pita bread, and I haveclass in 20 minutes downtown.
(02:18):
So, I gotta go.
You're
The Podcaster (02:20):
joking.
Emily the Intern (02:21):
Am I?
Listen, it's cool you'resuddenly like in it for the love
of the art form, but this is acelebrity gossip pod, not the
New Yorker.
The Neponoses are there to useif you want them.
I spent like two hours doingresearch on some incredibly
troubling subreddits, so I'dprefer they didn't go to waste.
But that's up to you.
I'm out.
The Podcaster (02:41):
Emily.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.
Our final topic is...
Second generation plasticsurgery.
Let's discuss which celebritynipple babies have gotten nose
jobs to match their...
Oh my god, this is so bad.
This is so awful.
I hate this.
I hate this.
This...
I want to bash my head in witha rock and find the world's best
(03:02):
neurosurgeon to reconstruct thebrittle fragments of my skull
and a never-before-seen miraclesurgery just so I can bash it in
again.
Our final topic is...
You know what?
Here's my final topic.
I've been in entertainmentjournalism for, damn, 24 years
now?
30, if you count the list Ikept of who was hooking up with
(03:24):
who in high school.
Used to sell that thingbi-monthly for three bucks a
pop.
And honestly, honestly, it wasso much better, so much more
relevant and real than this,this shit show.
Nepo, baby, nose jobs, we'rebarely talking about real
celebrities anymore.
This is like...
celebrity circumjacent.
(03:44):
You want an interesting topic?
Here you go.
How did we get here?
Why do we care about this?
I'm sitting in a studio I rentfor 2k a month, pushing some
evil 20 dumb year olds moldysandwiches to kids who probably
don't know why Brittany shavedher head.
And I, I can't stop asking thatquestion.
(04:07):
Like really, does anyone know?
What was it like beforecelebrities?
Was there even a beforecelebrities?
I'd sell a kidney to go tobefore celebrities so I can
fight the bastard who createdthem for ruining my life.
My matcha, motherfucker!
Puritan Priest (04:41):
Repent, brothers and sisters.
I say repent.
Shun the hedonistic ways of thelibertine demon, King Charles
II.
For the almighty father I loveand fear will never put such a
twisted beast on the throne.
Look at what he's brought us.
Infidelity, gluttony, fallenwomen, tears.
What the...
Where...
Go sew your lips shut with arusty needle, you wicked
(05:04):
Puritan.
Sob about theater's return onyour traitor Lord Cromwell's
grave.
Oh wait, he doesn't have onebecause we played him.
Silence, Samuel Pepys, youwicked fop.
The Podcaster (05:18):
Be gone.
Be gone yourself.
Didn't I tell those nerdsacross the hall no LARPing
before 10 a.m.?
Who are- Why are you in myhouse?
Your house?
This is not your house.
Why are you dressed like theCrucible?
The what?
(05:38):
Why are you dressed like-Like...
Emily the Intern (05:42):
Actually, what are you dressed like?
It's ghastly.
The Podcaster (05:45):
Gask, this is Valentino.
Head to toe.
Clock it.
Emily the Intern (05:50):
Valen...
Oh, an Italian.
I understand your strangenessnow.
Are you a friend of MasterPeeps?
The Podcaster (06:00):
Peeps?
Peeps?
Sure, P-Dog.
And I go way back.
Dog?
Where?
Is it rabbit?
Lady, I'm a level with you,alright?
I don't know how I got here orwhere here is.
Best guess, I crashed out ofthe club because I took too much
of my assistant's special K andgot kidnapped.
Again, and whoever nabbed medropped me at this, what is it,
(06:23):
a renaissance fair?
Gross.
But I just love to get home andresume my attempts to not kill
myself.
So, while I deeply appreciateyour commitment to your work,
hobby, whatever, please drop theact and point me in the best
direction to order an Uber 2,please.
What is...
Renaissance?
(06:43):
That is what Ren Faire is shortfor, yeah?
Renaissance?
Okay, I guess if you're workinghere, you probably didn't go to
Stanford.
The Renaissance.
Da Vinci.
The Sistine Chapel?
Shakespeare?
Shakespeare?
Why do you speak that old heck?
Has Master Papes nevercomplained to him to you?
That must be him.
(07:03):
Oh, you'll fetch him.
What was your name again?
Speaker 04 (07:06):
Uh...
The Podcaster (07:06):
Valentino.
Of course.
Scoots-a-me.
Sir?
Okay, this is, like, veryelaborate for a prank.
My phone.
Where is my phone?
Okay, rewind.
I woke up.
I got my kava.
I went to the studio, crushedout on Emily, and spilled my
(07:28):
matcha.
And then...
And then I...
I don't remember.
What the hell is that?
Is that...
Horse?
Horses?
What is...
I...
Am I...
Is this...
Actually...
No.
No way.
That's dumb.
That's dumb.
This isn't...
That is a goat.
(07:48):
A goat clomping on a dirt road.
That is definitely...
Ciao! I mean, yes.
Good...
Sir...
Valentino?
That's me.
Your friend.
Valentino.
You're not my friend.
Okay.
Ouchie.
Are you injured?
Only in my heart.
(08:09):
Actually, falling on my asskind of hurt.
What was it?
I fell on my mic?
Why do I have my mic?
Sir Valentino, apologies for mybluntness, but what business
have you in my own?
You tell me, Quaker Oats.
Why am I here?
You speak strangely.
Are you perhaps from a foreignland and have come searching for
work?
What is your trade?
(08:29):
I run the Peekaboo podcast.
You know it.
Don't stare at me like I havethree heads.
Sure, it's not as popular as itused to be, but come on.
Don't be a dick.
It's an entertainmentjournalism show.
Fine.
Okay.
It's a celebrity gossippodcast, but it's very famous,
so...
I fear I am unfamiliar.
(08:49):
I got that.
Thanks.
Also, what is celebrity?
What do you mean?
That word.
Celebrity?
Is that the correctpronunciation?
You need me to definecelebrity?
That would be most helpful.
Sorry, is this still part ofthe act, or are you stupid?
(09:11):
Jane! Yes, sir?
Have you ever heard of acelebrity?
Horrid vegetable.
Stringy.
Flavorless.
Jane Birch (09:25):
Sinister.
The Podcaster (09:27):
Sinister?
Not celery, you simple fool.
Celebrity.
Jane Birch (09:32):
Can't say I have, sir.
The Podcaster (09:34):
Thank you.
You may take your leave.
Now, Jane may be uneducated anda woman, but she knows a great
deal of uncommon words in spiteof this.
If she does not know what acelebrity is, neither do I.
Which is all to say, fuck off.
What?
(09:55):
If you shan't explain, then youshall fuck off.
Celebrity.
Famous person.
Such as the king.
Sort of, but...
Or perhaps you mean like JesusChrist?
That's closer, but no.
How about Jack the Joiner?
Everyone knows Jack the Joiner.
Of course, he isn't really ajoiner.
He isn't really anything.
(10:16):
I suppose he must have been ajoiner at some point in his
life, but then again, he isblind.
And missing one hand.
And all his teeth.
Which shouldn't affect one'sjoining abilities, but it's
difficult to attract businesswhen each time you speak...
The festering pink mass of yourgums is all the eye can see.
But he never aims to talk aboutjoining.
(10:36):
Mostly stews.
Oh, Jack the joiner, he loves astew.
All he eats, all he can eat.
Every tavern in London hasgotten a visit from Jack,
regardless if they sell stew.
He'll beg them to whipsomething up.
The kinder of the lot oftenwill, but most send him back out
onto the street, where he limpsand wails,
Samuel Pepys (10:57):
Stew! Stew! Quite
The Podcaster (11:04):
a sight, I assure you.
Which is why all who have beenpresent for one of Jack the
Joiner's stew barrages rememberit for life.
Really is something.
Ah, did I mention he's alsofrom Leeds?
How he made his way down here,I'll never know.
Someone like that?
Um, somehow, that is theclosest example so far, but not
(11:26):
quite.
I'm talking like actors,musicians, comedians.
Com-comedians?
Uh, I mean, jesters?
Yuck.
I am no lover of their jokes.
But actors?
Where you come from, they arecelebrity.
Uh, yes.
So they are respected?
(11:47):
Depends on who you ask.
I'd say we generally see themas special.
Speaker 04 (11:52):
What
The Podcaster (11:53):
a jeep! Oh, I'll have to write that down.
Actors.
Respected.
Special.
What a fantastical, ridiculousconcept.
What's that?
My diary.
Beginning the 1st of January,1660, I resolved to start
(12:14):
recording my daily life.
Uh-huh.
Your New Year's resolution for1660?
New Year's Resolution.
An apt descriptor.
Yes, Valentino.
Exactly.
What do you write about in1660, which is where, when, we
(12:38):
are?
My opinions on the theater,liaisons between actors,
dramatic secrets.
You can imagine why I keep themto myself.
As nary a soul alive, I'd beinterested in such trivial
things.
About actors, no less.
Oh, buddy, you were born in thewrong century.
However, do you mean?
Someday the world will kill tore...
(13:00):
Well, listen to this kind ofstuff.
Unlikely.
Here we have no celebrities, sowhat you speak of is not
achievable to me.
No celebrities yet.
A time before celebrities.
Just what I...
That's it.
That must be why I'm here.
Assuming this is not adrug-induced psychosis.
Maybe, like, God wants me toget to the roots of all this so
(13:22):
I can rip them out.
Aha.
At last.
Your trade.
You are a farmer.
No, peeps-o-bismol, I am not.
I am a celebrity gossippodcaster, and you are too.
Even if you don't know it.
Please, stop using these words.
They frighten me.
Don't care.
This must be it.
This must be like...
(13:42):
Divine intervention.
I asked to find somethingsubstantial to talk about and
here it is.
Please explain.
How badly would you like yourdiaries to be remembered?
No, not even that.
Revered by millions of people.
My good man.
I highly doubt there are amillion people on Earth.
And moreover, how would I reachthem all?
(14:03):
Most are illiterate.
Don't worry.
It's like that where I comefrom too.
Which is why I use...
All of this.
A bunch of rocks.
Don't ask me to explain themechanics of podcasting
equipment.
I have no clue.
I can't be that guy for you.
But here, speak into this part.
Whatever shall I say?
Perfect! Let's just hit theplayback.
(14:24):
Whatever shall I say?
Well?
Well, what?
Shouldn't you accuse me ofbeing a witch now?
Why would I?
Because I showed you a magicsoundbox that captures voices?
Unknown (14:39):
Hmm...
The Podcaster (14:40):
Yes, I suppose it would be appropriate.
But the Puritans aren't incharge anymore, are they?
Are they?
Nope.
As a matter of fact, the kingis executing one of the radicals
who assassinated his fatherthis very eve.
Would you like to come?
I'm going to pass, but what doyou think?
Of the magic box?
(15:01):
It is unnatural and certainly awork of the devil.
I am intrigued.
What is it you want in returnfor me?
speaking my diaries into it.
Let me stay here.
And while I do, I want you toteach me about your actors,
about your theater, all of it.
I want to know how it started.
So when I go back to where I'mfrom, I'll know how to stop it.
(15:25):
I mean, explain it to thepeople from my world of Italia.
Apologies.
I fear I've heard this storybefore.
You catty bitch you would havekilled on TNZ.
TMZ?
It's not a groundbreaking plot,no, but that's how I know it'll
(15:46):
work.
It's the classic time travelnarrative arc.
I have to learn something toget back home.
Learn something?
Surely a boat would be lesstaxing.
A boat?
To Italia, where you are from.
Ah, no boats for me, thank you.
Unless there's a pina colada inone hand and a bottle of Xanax
in the other.
I don't do water travel.
You are a strange man.
(16:08):
As am I.
I accept your deal, Italiandevil man.
Sweet, up top.
That is called a high five.
A high...
Oh, because there are fivefingers.
Toodaloo.
Yo, peepsaroni, where are yougoing?
I have everything set up torecord.
I told you, the execution.
(16:28):
Everyone in London will bethere.
I'll have to arrive early if Ihave any hope of seeing the
traitor's head roll.
Fine, but...
Can we try recording an introfirst to seal the deal?
Intro?
Like, explain what the podcastis going to be about.
You poor Italian fool.
The word is prologue.
Whatever, come here.
Hello there, listeners, new andold.
(16:52):
This is Valentino, and I'm herewith...
Say your name.
Samuel Pepys.
Samuel Pepys, the premiercelebrity gossip podcaster of
1660.
And we're here with this newshow, The Peak.
Good one.
Definitely not stolen from mineat all.
The Peak with Samuel Pepys.
(17:14):
We're going to investigate howcelebrities came to be and how
to stop it all from going wrong.
What was that last part?
So stay tuned.
You truly earn wages for this.
How about that execution?
Didn't you say you wereuninterested in attending?
Did I?
Sounds fake.
I've never seen one before, butwhen in Rome?
(17:34):
London.
Unknown (17:44):
London.
Emily the Intern (18:02):
class got cancelled so i figured i'd come
back in hello hello what did youwhat the fuck is a chicken
doing here you're not you're nothim are you
Our thanks to Tastables for sponsoring that
last segment.
Tastables, our cheese isn'tmoldy.
It's not real cheese.
So shut up and eat yourcrackers.
Tastables.
Now, for today's final topic,and this is a big one, Peep
Squad, so stick around for usfinally going there.
That's right.
We're talking second generationplastic surgery.
(00:38):
Let's discuss which celebritynepo babies have gotten nose
jobs to match their famousparents.
Wait, hold on.
Pause.
Hey, Emily?
Eminem?
Can we chat?
Thanks.
Emily the Intern (00:57):
Stop calling me Eminem.
No
The Podcaster (00:58):
thanks.
This segment's stupid.
Emily the Intern (01:01):
This one?
As opposed to every other one?
The Podcaster (01:05):
There's that flat formulaic Gen Z humor that I
cannot stand.
I'm just, uh...
Isn't there anything moresubstantial to talk about this
week more than nepo noses?
Not trying to be a needydickhead, but you've been giving
me literally nothing to workwith for months now.
Emily the Intern (01:21):
Okay.
Well, first, the nepo hatetrain is still going strong,
still very relevant, so don'tpretend I'm giving you old news.
Like, all my love to MargaretQualley and Jack Quaid and those
strange, strange SNL boys.
But the others?
Boo-hoo! Go to med school ifyou can't take the heat! And
(01:41):
second, you need listeners.
Got it?
Not substance.
We all want to eat,
The Podcaster (01:47):
right?
I see.
You're phoning it in becauseyou want a raise.
Emily the Intern (01:50):
Dude, I'm getting paid in class credit.
The Podcaster (01:54):
Do you want another credit?
Emily the Intern (01:57):
Not how it works.
Then what do you- If you don'tlike the segment, that's fine.
But I did not have thespiritual fortitude to make
another one, so like, on you toreplace it.
Also, just pointing out, we'relike super over time because you
took forever trying to get thecashier at Cava to give you
extra pita bread, and I haveclass in 20 minutes downtown.
(02:18):
So, I gotta go.
You're
The Podcaster (02:20):
joking.
Emily the Intern (02:21):
Am I?
Listen, it's cool you'resuddenly like in it for the love
of the art form, but this is acelebrity gossip pod, not the
New Yorker.
The Neponoses are there to useif you want them.
I spent like two hours doingresearch on some incredibly
troubling subreddits, so I'dprefer they didn't go to waste.
But that's up to you.
I'm out.
The Podcaster (02:41):
Emily.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.
Our final topic is...
Second generation plasticsurgery.
Let's discuss which celebritynipple babies have gotten nose
jobs to match their...
Oh my god, this is so bad.
This is so awful.
I hate this.
I hate this.
This...
I want to bash my head in witha rock and find the world's best
(03:02):
neurosurgeon to reconstruct thebrittle fragments of my skull
and a never-before-seen miraclesurgery just so I can bash it in
again.
Our final topic is...
You know what?
Here's my final topic.
I've been in entertainmentjournalism for, damn, 24 years
now?
30, if you count the list Ikept of who was hooking up with
(03:24):
who in high school.
Used to sell that thingbi-monthly for three bucks a
pop.
And honestly, honestly, it wasso much better, so much more
relevant and real than this,this shit show.
Nepo, baby, nose jobs, we'rebarely talking about real
celebrities anymore.
This is like...
celebrity circumjacent.
(03:44):
You want an interesting topic?
Here you go.
How did we get here?
Why do we care about this?
I'm sitting in a studio I rentfor 2k a month, pushing some
evil 20 dumb year olds moldysandwiches to kids who probably
don't know why Brittany shavedher head.
And I, I can't stop asking thatquestion.
(04:07):
Like really, does anyone know?
What was it like beforecelebrities?
Was there even a beforecelebrities?
I'd sell a kidney to go tobefore celebrities so I can
fight the bastard who createdthem for ruining my life.
My matcha, motherfucker!
Puritan Priest (04:41):
Repent, brothers and sisters.
I say repent.
Shun the hedonistic ways of thelibertine demon, King Charles
II.
For the almighty father I loveand fear will never put such a
twisted beast on the throne.
Look at what he's brought us.
Infidelity, gluttony, fallenwomen, tears.
What the...
Where...
Go sew your lips shut with arusty needle, you wicked
(05:04):
Puritan.
Sob about theater's return onyour traitor Lord Cromwell's
grave.
Oh wait, he doesn't have onebecause we played him.
Silence, Samuel Pepys, youwicked fop.
The Podcaster (05:18):
Be gone.
Be gone yourself.
Didn't I tell those nerdsacross the hall no LARPing
before 10 a.m.?
Who are- Why are you in myhouse?
Your house?
This is not your house.
Why are you dressed like theCrucible?
The what?
(05:38):
Why are you dressed like-Like...
Emily the Intern (05:42):
Actually, what are you dressed like?
It's ghastly.
The Podcaster (05:45):
Gask, this is Valentino.
Head to toe.
Clock it.
Emily the Intern (05:50):
Valen...
Oh, an Italian.
I understand your strangenessnow.
Are you a friend of MasterPeeps?
The Podcaster (06:00):
Peeps?
Peeps?
Sure, P-Dog.
And I go way back.
Dog?
Where?
Is it rabbit?
Lady, I'm a level with you,alright?
I don't know how I got here orwhere here is.
Best guess, I crashed out ofthe club because I took too much
of my assistant's special K andgot kidnapped.
Again, and whoever nabbed medropped me at this, what is it,
(06:23):
a renaissance fair?
Gross.
But I just love to get home andresume my attempts to not kill
myself.
So, while I deeply appreciateyour commitment to your work,
hobby, whatever, please drop theact and point me in the best
direction to order an Uber 2,please.
What is...
Renaissance?
(06:43):
That is what Ren Faire is shortfor, yeah?
Renaissance?
Okay, I guess if you're workinghere, you probably didn't go to
Stanford.
The Renaissance.
Da Vinci.
The Sistine Chapel?
Shakespeare?
Shakespeare?
Why do you speak that old heck?
Has Master Papes nevercomplained to him to you?
That must be him.
(07:03):
Oh, you'll fetch him.
What was your name again?
Speaker 04 (07:06):
Uh...
The Podcaster (07:06):
Valentino.
Of course.
Scoots-a-me.
Sir?
Okay, this is, like, veryelaborate for a prank.
My phone.
Where is my phone?
Okay, rewind.
I woke up.
I got my kava.
I went to the studio, crushedout on Emily, and spilled my
(07:28):
matcha.
And then...
And then I...
I don't remember.
What the hell is that?
Is that...
Horse?
Horses?
What is...
I...
Am I...
Is this...
Actually...
No.
No way.
That's dumb.
That's dumb.
This isn't...
That is a goat.
(07:48):
A goat clomping on a dirt road.
That is definitely...
Ciao! I mean, yes.
Good...
Sir...
Valentino?
That's me.
Your friend.
Valentino.
You're not my friend.
Okay.
Ouchie.
Are you injured?
Only in my heart.
(08:09):
Actually, falling on my asskind of hurt.
What was it?
I fell on my mic?
Why do I have my mic?
Sir Valentino, apologies for mybluntness, but what business
have you in my own?
You tell me, Quaker Oats.
Why am I here?
You speak strangely.
Are you perhaps from a foreignland and have come searching for
work?
What is your trade?
(08:29):
I run the Peekaboo podcast.
You know it.
Don't stare at me like I havethree heads.
Sure, it's not as popular as itused to be, but come on.
Don't be a dick.
It's an entertainmentjournalism show.
Fine.
Okay.
It's a celebrity gossippodcast, but it's very famous,
so...
I fear I am unfamiliar.
(08:49):
I got that.
Thanks.
Also, what is celebrity?
What do you mean?
That word.
Celebrity?
Is that the correctpronunciation?
You need me to definecelebrity?
That would be most helpful.
Sorry, is this still part ofthe act, or are you stupid?
(09:11):
Jane! Yes, sir?
Have you ever heard of acelebrity?
Horrid vegetable.
Stringy.
Flavorless.
Jane Birch (09:25):
Sinister.
The Podcaster (09:27):
Sinister?
Not celery, you simple fool.
Celebrity.
Jane Birch (09:32):
Can't say I have, sir.
The Podcaster (09:34):
Thank you.
You may take your leave.
Now, Jane may be uneducated anda woman, but she knows a great
deal of uncommon words in spiteof this.
If she does not know what acelebrity is, neither do I.
Which is all to say, fuck off.
What?
(09:55):
If you shan't explain, then youshall fuck off.
Celebrity.
Famous person.
Such as the king.
Sort of, but...
Or perhaps you mean like JesusChrist?
That's closer, but no.
How about Jack the Joiner?
Everyone knows Jack the Joiner.
Of course, he isn't really ajoiner.
He isn't really anything.
(10:16):
I suppose he must have been ajoiner at some point in his
life, but then again, he isblind.
And missing one hand.
And all his teeth.
Which shouldn't affect one'sjoining abilities, but it's
difficult to attract businesswhen each time you speak...
The festering pink mass of yourgums is all the eye can see.
But he never aims to talk aboutjoining.
(10:36):
Mostly stews.
Oh, Jack the joiner, he loves astew.
All he eats, all he can eat.
Every tavern in London hasgotten a visit from Jack,
regardless if they sell stew.
He'll beg them to whipsomething up.
The kinder of the lot oftenwill, but most send him back out
onto the street, where he limpsand wails,
Samuel Pepys (10:57):
Stew! Stew! Quite
The Podcaster (11:04):
a sight, I assure you.
Which is why all who have beenpresent for one of Jack the
Joiner's stew barrages rememberit for life.
Really is something.
Ah, did I mention he's alsofrom Leeds?
How he made his way down here,I'll never know.
Someone like that?
Um, somehow, that is theclosest example so far, but not
(11:26):
quite.
I'm talking like actors,musicians, comedians.
Com-comedians?
Uh, I mean, jesters?
Yuck.
I am no lover of their jokes.
But actors?
Where you come from, they arecelebrity.
Uh, yes.
So they are respected?
(11:47):
Depends on who you ask.
I'd say we generally see themas special.
Speaker 04 (11:52):
What
The Podcaster (11:53):
a jeep! Oh, I'll have to write that down.
Actors.
Respected.
Special.
What a fantastical, ridiculousconcept.
What's that?
My diary.
Beginning the 1st of January,1660, I resolved to start
(12:14):
recording my daily life.
Uh-huh.
Your New Year's resolution for1660?
New Year's Resolution.
An apt descriptor.
Yes, Valentino.
Exactly.
What do you write about in1660, which is where, when, we
(12:38):
are?
My opinions on the theater,liaisons between actors,
dramatic secrets.
You can imagine why I keep themto myself.
As nary a soul alive, I'd beinterested in such trivial
things.
About actors, no less.
Oh, buddy, you were born in thewrong century.
However, do you mean?
Someday the world will kill tore...
(13:00):
Well, listen to this kind ofstuff.
Unlikely.
Here we have no celebrities, sowhat you speak of is not
achievable to me.
No celebrities yet.
A time before celebrities.
Just what I...
That's it.
That must be why I'm here.
Assuming this is not adrug-induced psychosis.
Maybe, like, God wants me toget to the roots of all this so
(13:22):
I can rip them out.
Aha.
At last.
Your trade.
You are a farmer.
No, peeps-o-bismol, I am not.
I am a celebrity gossippodcaster, and you are too.
Even if you don't know it.
Please, stop using these words.
They frighten me.
Don't care.
This must be it.
This must be like...
(13:42):
Divine intervention.
I asked to find somethingsubstantial to talk about and
here it is.
Please explain.
How badly would you like yourdiaries to be remembered?
No, not even that.
Revered by millions of people.
My good man.
I highly doubt there are amillion people on Earth.
And moreover, how would I reachthem all?
(14:03):
Most are illiterate.
Don't worry.
It's like that where I comefrom too.
Which is why I use...
All of this.
A bunch of rocks.
Don't ask me to explain themechanics of podcasting
equipment.
I have no clue.
I can't be that guy for you.
But here, speak into this part.
Whatever shall I say?
Perfect! Let's just hit theplayback.
(14:24):
Whatever shall I say?
Well?
Well, what?
Shouldn't you accuse me ofbeing a witch now?
Why would I?
Because I showed you a magicsoundbox that captures voices?
Unknown (14:39):
Hmm...
The Podcaster (14:40):
Yes, I suppose it would be appropriate.
But the Puritans aren't incharge anymore, are they?
Are they?
Nope.
As a matter of fact, the kingis executing one of the radicals
who assassinated his fatherthis very eve.
Would you like to come?
I'm going to pass, but what doyou think?
Of the magic box?
(15:01):
It is unnatural and certainly awork of the devil.
I am intrigued.
What is it you want in returnfor me?
speaking my diaries into it.
Let me stay here.
And while I do, I want you toteach me about your actors,
about your theater, all of it.
I want to know how it started.
So when I go back to where I'mfrom, I'll know how to stop it.
(15:25):
I mean, explain it to thepeople from my world of Italia.
Apologies.
I fear I've heard this storybefore.
You catty bitch you would havekilled on TNZ.
TMZ?
It's not a groundbreaking plot,no, but that's how I know it'll
(15:46):
work.
It's the classic time travelnarrative arc.
I have to learn something toget back home.
Learn something?
Surely a boat would be lesstaxing.
A boat?
To Italia, where you are from.
Ah, no boats for me, thank you.
Unless there's a pina colada inone hand and a bottle of Xanax
in the other.
I don't do water travel.
You are a strange man.
(16:08):
As am I.
I accept your deal, Italiandevil man.
Sweet, up top.
That is called a high five.
A high...
Oh, because there are fivefingers.
Toodaloo.
Yo, peepsaroni, where are yougoing?
I have everything set up torecord.
I told you, the execution.
(16:28):
Everyone in London will bethere.
I'll have to arrive early if Ihave any hope of seeing the
traitor's head roll.
Fine, but...
Can we try recording an introfirst to seal the deal?
Intro?
Like, explain what the podcastis going to be about.
You poor Italian fool.
The word is prologue.
Whatever, come here.
Hello there, listeners, new andold.
(16:52):
This is Valentino, and I'm herewith...
Say your name.
Samuel Pepys.
Samuel Pepys, the premiercelebrity gossip podcaster of
1660.
And we're here with this newshow, The Peak.
Good one.
Definitely not stolen from mineat all.
The Peak with Samuel Pepys.
(17:14):
We're going to investigate howcelebrities came to be and how
to stop it all from going wrong.
What was that last part?
So stay tuned.
You truly earn wages for this.
How about that execution?
Didn't you say you wereuninterested in attending?
Did I?
Sounds fake.
I've never seen one before, butwhen in Rome?
(17:34):
London.
Unknown (17:44):
London.
Emily the Intern (18:02):
class got cancelled so i figured i'd come
back in hello hello what did youwhat the fuck is a chicken
doing here you're not you're nothim are you
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