A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Terrible minisode IN WHICH —
0:08:45: MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Ch. 6, IN WHICH —:
- Richard Markham meets Diana Arlington and is utterly smitten. Then a short, stout, vulgar-looking man enters the room. This is Augustus Talbot, and he is truly crass. He keeps trying to steer the conversation round to the subject of a corn he’s afflicted with on his little toe. Chichester and Harborough are clearly worried that Talbot might spoil their chances of making a favorable impression on Richard; why would they be so concerned? It’s increasingly obvious that they’re playing a game, and he’s a mark. Is Mr. Talbot another mark? What IS their game, anyway?
- Then a new guest arrives: Apparently another prospective mark, whom they met at the opera the previous week: Mr. Walter Sydney … an effeminate-looking well-dressed youth … whom we last saw being pitched down through the floor of a thieves’ crib into the Fleet River. But he’s different. He seems wise in a way nobody else is. Who is he? What game is he playing? We’ll see …
0:28:25: A SALACIOUS SALOON SONG:
- "The Dildoe! Or, The Amorous Maids," a frisky supper-club song from the 1830s, sung lustily by, um, gentlemen when there were no ladies about. This rather explicit one describes the amorous adventure of Giles, the country lad, upon learning his three maidenly neighbors were starved for male carnal attention.
Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!
GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:
- Beau traps: Well-dressed fortune hunters or swindlers (we more than a little suspect Hon. Arthur Chichester and Sir Rupert Harbrough to be such!)
- Fly angelics: Knowing or wise young women.
- Fly to the fakement: Aware of the tricks.
- Mace-man: Swindler.
- Cutish: Clever.
- Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.
- Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
- Crib: House, room, or chamber (modern equivalent is "joint"). Originally and still also used to refer to a prostitute's bedroom.
- Pippin: A funny fellow (of either sex); also a friendly way of greeting: How are you, my pippins?
- Bolt the moon: Fly by night
- Beaks: Magistrates, law enforcement authorities
- The tippy: The very best
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:10):
A tip top Tuesday evening to allyou bow traps, fly angelics and
Knights of the brush and moon. I'm your host Finn JD John,
welcoming you back to the Chafing Crib for a Tupany
Terrible Tuesday show once againon the Penny Dreadful Hour show.
The Tupany Terrible Demi Hour isthe second of three shows in the
(00:32):
weekly cycle of the Penny Dreadful Hour.
This is the episode in which we cover all of the risque and
explicit stuff, so if you don't mind a bit of salaciousness and
cheek, stick around after the Dreadful has been read and we'll
do our best. We don't do outright porno it,
and yes, there was lots of that in the Victorian, but some of
the supper club and drinking saloon songs we get into on
(00:53):
Tuesday can get spicy enough to require an explicit tag.
Or, as will be the case today, awkward enough to definitely
require an explicit tag. As a side note, fun fact, did
you know that the word dildo wasan actual word in the Victorian
age? It's spelled with an E though.
DILDOE. There.
Now see, you never know when that factoid will win you a Gold
(01:16):
Star at trivia night at your local pub.
Anyway, let's get on to the show.
Here's what we've got in store for tonight.
We're going to start out right away with Chapter 6 of The
Mysteries of London by George WMReynolds, which started
publication in 1844. Nobody's heard of this story
(01:37):
today, but it was actually the most widely read story in
Britain in the 1800's, the wholecentury, not just the early
Victorian. In this chapter, Richard Markham
meets Diana Arlington and is utterly smitten.
And then a short, stout, vulgar looking man enters the room, and
this is Augustus Talbot, and he is truly crass.
(01:57):
He keeps trying to steer the conversation round to the
subject of a corn he's afflictedwith on his little toe.
Mr. Chichester and Sir Rupert Harborough are clearly worried
that Talbot might spoil their chances of making a favorable
impression on Richard. OK, why would they be so
concerned? It's increasingly obvious that
they're playing a game and that Richard is the mark.
(02:17):
Is Mr. Talbot also a mark? What is their game anyway?
Then a new guest arrives, apparently another prospective
mark whom they met at the opera the previous week.
Mr. Walter Sidney, an effeminatelooking, well dressed youth whom
we actually have seen before. We last saw him being pitched
down through the floor of a thieves crib into Fleet River
back in Chapter 2. He's different from the others,
(02:40):
though. He seems wise in a way no one
else is. Who is he?
What game is he playing? Well, we'll see.
Then we're going to dive right into the PG13 portion of the
show with a song or two from oneof the many collections of
drinking, thieving, and more to the point, for a twopenny
Terrible Tuesday singing songs with which our favorite
historical period abounded. So let's get to it.
(03:08):
To start, it's time for Chapter 6 of The Mysteries of London.
Now, because this week is the recommended starting point for
new listeners, I'm going to takea little time here to bring
everyone up to speed on the plotfrom this penny dreadful.
Bear with me now. This will be worth a few
minutes. It will take long time.
Listeners, feel free to skip ahead to the reading.
I'm going to mark the time signature in the show notes for
(03:29):
you, or simply skip ahead 5 minutes and 30 seconds from
right now to continue with the show and skip all the summaries
of chapters one through 4. Heads up though, starting with
Thursday's episode, I won't be able to do this because we're 17
chapters into Spring Heal Jack and it would just be too
cumbersome. In fact, I switched Spring Heal
Jack and the Mysteries of Londonaround specifically for this
(03:52):
reason so that I could do this today.
So for Thursday's reading, new listeners are encouraged to go
to our Discord server, where I have posted the summaries of all
seven of our stories. Well, six of them I'm still
working on Sweeney Todd. We're 55 chapters into that one.
You can access the Discord server through a redirect link
at pennydread.com/discord. And yeah, Penny, dread.com is a
(04:15):
thing. I just set it up.
There's not really anything there yet.
I'm working on that, so here's what happened in chapters one
through 5 of the Mysteries of London.
In chapter 1 we opened up in July of 1831 on the dark and
stormy night and a young tender looking boy of about 16, well
(04:36):
dressed in riding costume but onfoot, is lost and hurrying
through the filthy Smithfield market.
As the rain starts to pour down,he steps up onto the porch of a
slum tenement to try and get some shelter under its lentil
and the door pops open and he almost falls in.
Going inside he looks for a place to sit and rest, but all
is profoundly dark. Then a flash of lightning
(04:57):
reveals a large square of jet blackness in the floor 3 feet
from where he stands. It can be nothing other than a
hole in the floor. He retreats from the room.
Then he hears approaching footsteps hurrying away so he
will not be caught. He hears 2 men enter the house
and come up the stairs after him.
Then in chapter 2, the boy goes to the room at the end of the
(05:19):
hall and enters and closes the door.
Luckily the newcomers enter the other room, the one that he is
not in, and light a candle and the boy can actually see through
a window between the rooms. The newcomers are clearly
thieves. They produce some swag which
they hide in the fireplace behind the grate.
They open a secret cupboard and produce some good food and
drink. Then they start in talking about
(05:39):
a job they have scheduled next day, burgling the home of a
swell named Malcolm up IslingtonY in company with a third member
of their little party, Crikey Gem.
They start talking about the house, which is built above the
underground Fleet River and boasts a couple of trap doors
down which murder victims bodieshave been tossed.
The house used to be a lodging house in which folks checked in
(06:02):
but never checked out. At this point the boy has heard
too much. He knows if he's caught he's as
good as dead. But how can he escape?
He would have to walk past the open door to the other room to
get to the front door of the house.
Then one of the burglars catchesa glimpse of the boy's face and
is frightened. But his companion takes the
candle and boldly goes to investigate.
(06:22):
The youth is caught. What will be his fate?
Find out in Chapter 3 where we switch back.
Moments before, the youth had determined on a desperate
attempt to flee the house. He slid up to the window to see
if the ruffians were looking, ifone of them was, and that's when
he was spotted. The youth now knows he must flee
(06:43):
for his life, but his legs refuse their office and he
faints on the floor. When he awakens, he is being
carried by the two ruffians downthe stairs and into the front
room with the black square. From the black square he smells
a fetid odor and hears a gurgle of current.
They are going to throw him intothe fleet river, which runs
underground underneath of the house.
(07:04):
He screams and begs for his life, but the ruffians reply
that they cannot do otherwise than kill him.
As you. And now as fly to the fightman
as any one of us. Down he goes into the filthy
subterranean fleet to his death.Or does he?
Because the next day a letter ina beautiful, cultivated feminine
hand arrives at Mr. Markham's place warning of the planned
(07:25):
burglary. But nothing happens.
No attempt is made. In Chapter 4, we cut away to a
new scene on a hill near Mr. Markham's estate, the one those
two robbers were plotting to hit.
The 2 Markham brothers are walking to a pair of trees, each
of which was planted by one of the two of them.
The older is Eugene, he was until recently a military
(07:48):
officer. The younger, who still lives at
home, is Richard. Eugene is explaining to Richard
that at his regiment he got intogambling debts, and being unable
to get a response from their father to beg or borrow the
money to redeem these debts of honor, he was forced to sell his
Commission to pay them. The father, livid at this, said
some highly regrettable things, and now Eugene has decided to
(08:09):
vanish from his father's life, either to make his fortune or
sink to obscurity alone. Richard agrees to fetch Eugene's
things so that he need not set foot in the old place again, but
in doing so he encounters the Butler Whittingham, who insists
on following him back to see Eugene off.
Richard and Whittingham togetherare unable to persuade Eugene to
wait one more day before taking his leave, but Eugene agrees
(08:30):
that he will return to the same location between the two trees
12 years hence. Then quote, the discarded son
threw his little bundle over hisshoulder and hurried away from
the spot. Chapter 5 opens with four years
having passed, during which Richard's father, Mr. Markham,
desperately tried to find his departed son but never did and
(08:53):
died of a broken heart. Richard inherited the estate but
was not yet of age, so he only has an allowance from the trust
to live on for now. We follow him on a journey to
London where he meets a well dressed gentleman named Arthur
Chichester, who we perceive as at least a little bit of a Mace
man. And Mace Man, by the way, is a
is a swindler. Richard, young and naive, thinks
(09:13):
he's just a friendly, wealthy gent.
He accepts an invitation to dimewith his new friend with a
friend of his, Sir Rupert Harborough, in the company of
the latter's mistress on Missus Diana Arlington.
Throughout the evening, Richard is amazed by how much wine Mr.
Chichester can take without his noticeable effect.
We end on his arrival at Misses Arlington's supper table in a
(09:36):
splendidly furnished apartment over a music shop in Bond
Street. And with that, you're up to
speed. Let's see how supper with Diana
Arlington goes now. Chapter 6.
Misses Arlington. The Honourable Mr. Arthur
Chichester had not exaggerated his description of the beauty of
(09:59):
the enchantress, for so she was called by the male portion of
her admirers. Indeed, she was of exquisite
loveliness. Her dark brown hair was arranged
on bandeau, and parted over a forehead polished as marble.
Her eyes were large, and of thatsoft, dark, melting blue which
seems to form a heaven of promises and bliss to gladden
(10:21):
the beholder. She was not above the middle
height of woman, but her form was modelled to the most
exquisite and voluptuous symmetry.
Her figure reminded the spectator of the body of a wasp,
so taper was the waist, and so exuberant was the swell of the
bust. Her mouth was small and pouting,
but when she smiled the parting roses of the lips displayed a
(10:43):
set of teeth white as the pearlsof the East.
Her hand would have made the envy of a queen.
And yet, above all these charms,a certain something which could
not be exactly denominated boldness nor effrontery, but
which was the very reverse of extreme reserve, immediately
struck Richard Markham. He could not define the fault he
had to find with this beautiful woman, and still there was
(11:06):
something in her manners which seemed to proclaim that she did
not possess the tranquillity andease of a wife.
She appeared to be constantly aiming at the display of the
accomplishments of her mind or the graces of her attitudes.
She seemed to court admiration by every word and every motion,
and to keep alive in the mind ofthe baronet the passion with
(11:27):
which she had inspired him. She possessed not that
confidence, and contented reliance upon the idea of
unalienable affections which characterized the wife.
She seemed to be well aware thatno legal nor religious ties
connected the baronet to her, and she therefore kept her
imagination perpetually upon therack to weave new artificial
(11:49):
bonds to cast around him. And as if each action or each
word of the baronet severed those bonds of silk and wreathed
flowers, she found Penelope likethat at short intervals.
Her laborers were to be achievedover again.
This constant state of mental anxiety and excitement imparted
a corresponding restlessness to her body, and those frequent
(12:10):
changes of attitude which were originally intended to develop
the graces of her person, or allow her lover's eye to catch
short glimpses of her heaving bosom of snow, now became a
settled habit. Nevertheless, she was a lovely
and fascinating woman, and one for whom a young heart would
undertake 1000 sacrifices by accident.
(12:31):
Richard was seated next to Mrs. Arlington upon the sofa.
He soon perceived that she was indeed as accomplished as the
baronet had represented her to be, and her critical opinions
upon the current literature, dramatic novelties, and new
music of the day were delivered with judgment and good sense.
Richard could not help glancing from time to time in admiration
(12:51):
at her beautiful countenance, animated as it was now with the
excitement of the topics of discourse, and whenever her
large blue eyes met his, a deep blush suffused his countenance,
and he knew not what he said or did.
Well, what shall we do to amuse ourselves?
Said Chichester at the expiration of about an hour
during which coffee had been handed out.
(13:13):
Upon my honour. Exclaimed the baronet.
I am perfectly indifferent. I would say you to a game of
whist or a carte. Just as you choose, said
Chichester carelessly. At this moment the door opened
in a roguish looking little tiger.
A lad of about 14 in chocolate coloured livery with three rows
(13:33):
of bright crested buttons down his Prussian jacket entered to
announce another guest. A short, stout, vulgar looking
man about 40 years of age with ablue coat and brass buttons,
buff Westcott and Gray trousers entered the room.
Oh well. Chapa, were you he?
Exclaimed in a tone of most ineffable vulgarity.
Harborough How are you? Chichester Mutulip, How goes it?
(13:57):
The baronet hastened to receive this extraordinary visitor, and
as he shook hands with him, whispered something in his ear.
The stranger immediately turned toward Richard, to whom he was
introduced by the name of Mr. Augustus Talbot.
This gentleman and the baronet then conversed together for a
few moments, and Chichester drawing near, Markham seized the
opportunity of observing. Talbot is an excellent fellow, a
(14:19):
regular John Bull, not over polished, but enormously rich
and well connected. You will see that he is not more
cultivated in mind than in manners, but he would go to the
devil to do anyone a service, and somehow or another you can't
help liking the fellow once you get to know him.
Any friend of yours or of the baronets will be agreeable to
me, said Richard. And provided he is a man of
(14:40):
honour, a little roughness of manner should be readily
overlooked. You speak like a man of the
world, and is a man of honour yourself, said Mr. Chichester.
Meanwhile the baronet and Mr. Talbot had seated themselves,
and the Honourable Mr. Chichester returned to his own
chair. The conversation then became
general. I didn't know that you were in
town, Talbot said Mr. Chichester.
(15:02):
And I forgot to. Mention it, observed the
baronet. Or rather, said the lady, you
meditated. A little surprise for your
friend, Mr. Chichester. I hope you've been well, ma'am,
since I saw you last. That is the day before.
Yesterday, said Mr. Talbot. You was complaining then of a
slight cold, and I recommend a treacle posit and a stocking
tied round the throat. My dear Talbot, take some
(15:25):
liqueur. Cried the baronet, rising
hastily and purposely knocking down his chair to drown the
remainder of Mr. Talbot's observation.
But I dare say you didn't followmy voice, ma'am.
Proceeded Mr. Talbot with the most imperturbable gravity.
For my poor I'm suffering dreadful with a bad foot.
I'll tell you how it were, ma'am.
(15:46):
Oh, I've got a nasty soft corn on my little.
Toe. And so I must.
Do but yesterday morning I takesmy riser, sharpens it upon the
pine tent strap and goes for a cut off master corn.
But instead of cutting the corn,I nearly slice my toe off.
And by the way, Diana, has the young gentleman called yet, whom
(16:08):
we met the other evening at the.Opera, Said the baronet,
abruptly interrupting this vulgar tirade.
Do you mean the effeminate youthwhom we dumped?
The handsome unknown? Said the Enchantress.
Yes, he who was so very mysterious, but who seemed so
excessively anxious to form our acquaintance.
(16:28):
He promised to call some eveningthis week, answered Diana and
play at a game of a carte. He told me he was quite
invincible at a carte. Talking of ecarte, let us play a
game, ejaculated Mr. Chichester,who was sitting upon thorns,
lest Mr. Talbot should commence his vulgarities again.
Whoa, take eye and with pleasure.
(16:49):
Said this individual, then turning toward Diana, he added.
All will tell you the rest. Of the adventure.
About a soft corner of a toy, ma'am.
What a nuisance this is, whispered Chichester to the
baronet. The young fellow does stare so.
You must give me some explanation or another.
Hastily replied the baronet or I'll.
Tell Diana to say something presently that will smooth down
(17:13):
matters the. Cards were produced, and Mr.
Talbot and the Honourable Mr. Chichester sat down to play.
Sir Rupert backed the former, and considerable sums and golden
notes were placed upon the table.
Presently the lady turned towardRichard, and said with a smile.
Are you fond of a carte? I must venture a Guinea upon Mr.
(17:33):
Chichester. Sir Rupert is betting against
him, and I love to oppose Sir Rupert at cards.
You will see how I shall tease him presently.
With these words the enchantressrose, and seated herself near
Mr. Chichester. Of course Markham did the same,
and in a very short time he was induced by the lady to follow
her example, and back the same side which she supported.
(17:54):
Mr. Chichester, however, had a continued run of ill luck, and
lost every rubber. Richard was thus the loser of
about 30 sovereigns, but he was somewhat consoled by having so
fair a companion in his bad fortune.
He would have suffered himself to be persuaded by her to
persist in backing Mr. Chichester, as she positively
assured him that luck must change, had not that gentleman
(18:15):
himself suddenly risen, thrown down the cards, and declared
that he would play no more. Would you, ma'am, like to take
Mr. Chichester's place, Said Mr.Talbot.
Mr. Chichester shook his head tothe baronet, and the baronet did
the same to Diana, and Diana accordingly declined.
The card table was therefore abandoned, and Missus Arlington,
at the request of Sir Rupert, seated herself at the piano
(18:38):
without any affectation. She sang and accompanied herself
upon the instrument in a manner that quite ravished the heart of
Richard Markham. Suddenly the entire house echoed
with the din of the front door knocker, and almost
simultaneously the bell was rungwith violence.
In a few moments the young tigerannounced Mr. Walter Sidney.
He was a youth, apparently not more than 19 or 20, of middle
(19:02):
height and very slim. He wore a tight blue military
frock coat buttoned up to the throat, ample black Kerzimir
trousers, which did not, however, conceal the fact that
he was the least thing knocked Mead, and a hat with a tolerably
broad brim. His feet and hands were small to
a fault. His long, light chestnut hair
flowed in luxuriant undulations over the collar of his coat,
(19:23):
even upon his shoulders, and gave him a peculiarly feminine
appearance. His delicate complexion, upon
the pure red and white of which the dark hues of no beard had
yet infringed, wore a deep blushas he entered the room.
Mr. Sidney, you are welcome, said Missus Arlington, in a
manner calculated to reassure the bashful youth.
It was but an hour ago that we were talking of you, and
(19:46):
wondering why we had not received the pleasure of a
visit. Madam, you are too kind, replied
Mr. Sidney, in a tone which sounded upon the ear like a
silver bell, so soft and beautiful was its cadence.
I am afraid that I am intruding.I had hoped to find you alone.
I mean yourself and Sir Rupert Harborough and and I perceive
that you have good company. He stammered, became confused
(20:09):
with excuses, and then glanced at his attire as much to
intimate that he was in walking dress.
Both the baronet and Diana hastened to welcome him in such
a manner as to speedily place him upon comfortable terms with
himself once more, and then he was introduced to Mr.
Chichester, Mr. Talbot, and Mr. Markham.
The moment the name of Markham was mentioned, the youthful
(20:29):
visitor started perceptibly, andthen fixed his intelligent Hazel
eyes upon the countenance of Richard, with an expression of
the most profound interest mingled with surprise.
Mr. Chichester made an observation at the same moment,
and Sydney immediately afterwards entered with ease and
apparent pleasure into a conversation which turned upon
the most popular topics of the day.
(20:50):
Richard was astonished at the extreme modesty, propriety, and
good sense with which that effeminate and bashful youth
expressed himself, and even the baronet, who was in reality well
informed, listened to his interesting visitor with
attention and admiration. Still there was a species of
extreme delicacy in his tastes, as evidenced by his remarks,
(21:10):
which bordered at times upon a fastidiousness, if not an
inexperience, actually puerile or feminine.
At 11:30 supper was served up, and the party sat down to that
most welcome and sociable of allmeals.
It was truly diverting to beholdthe manner in which Mr. Talbot
fell tooth and nail upon the delicacies which were heaped
(21:30):
upon his plate, and his applications to the wine bottle
were to correspond. At one time he expressed his
regret that it was too vulgar todrink half and half, and on
another he vented his national prejudices against those who
maintained that perigord pies were preferable to rum stakes,
or that claret was more exquisite than Porter Sherry.
(21:51):
Once, when it would appear Mr. Chichester kicked him under the
table, he roared out a request that his soft corn might be
remembered. And as his friends were by no
means anxious for a second edition of that interesting
narrative, especially before Mr.Walter Sidney, they adopted the
prudent alternative of conveyingtheir remonstrances to him by
means of winks instead of kicks.After supper Mr. Talbot insisted
(22:15):
upon making a huge bowl of punchin his own fashion, but he found
that Mister Chichester would alone aid him in disposing of
it. As for Mr. Walter Sidney, he
never appeared to do more than touch the brim of the wine glass
with his lips. In a short time Mr. Talbot
insisted upon practicing his vocal powers by singing a
hunting song, and was deeply indignant with his friends
(22:37):
because they would not join him in the very impressive but
somewhat common chorus of Fal dala, la, FA da La La.
It is impossible to say what Mr.Talbot would have done next, but
much to the horror of the baronet, Mr. Chichester and
Diana, and equally to the surprise of Richard Markham and
Walter Sidney, he suddenly lost his balance and fell heavily
(22:57):
upon the floor and into a sound sleep simultaneously.
What a pity, said Mr. Chichester, shaking his head
mournfully, and glancing down upon the prostate gentleman as
if he were pronouncing a funeraloration over his remains.
This is his only fault, and as it happens every night, it
begins materially to disfigure his character.
Otherwise he is an excellent fellow, and immensely rich.
(23:21):
At this moment the eyes of Richard caught those of Walter
Sidney. An I'll concealed expression of
superlative contempt and ineffable disgust was visible
upon the handsome countenance ofthe latter.
Then the proud curl of his lip manifested his opinion of the
scene he had just witnessed. In a few moments he rose to
depart to Diana. He was only coldly polite to the
(23:42):
baronet and Chichester superbly distant and constrained.
But towards Markham, as he took leave of him, there was a
cordiality in his manner, and a sincerity in the desire which he
expressed that we should meet again, which formed a remarkable
contrast with his behavior toward the others.
That night's slumber seemed to evade the eyes of Richard
Markham. The image of Missus Arlington,
(24:04):
and all which she had said, and the various graceful and
voluptuous attitudes into which she had thrown herself, occupied
his imagination. At times, however, his thoughts
wandered to that charming youth,that mere boy who seemed to
court his friendship, and who was so delicate and so fragile
to encounter the storms and vicissitudes of that world in
whose dizzy vortex he was already found.
(24:26):
Not less did Richard ever and Anon experience a sentiment of
profound surprise that the elegant and wealthy Sir Rupert
Harborough, the accomplished andlovely Diana, and the fastidious
Mr. Arthur Chichester should tolerate the Society of such an
unmitigated vulgarian as Mr. Talbot.
(24:47):
Well, that was really interesting, wasn't it?
Mr. Talbot reminds me a good deal of the character of Mr.
Hurst, played brilliantly by Rupert van Sitart and the BBC's
in 1996 production of Pride and Prejudice.
Mr. Hurst, who I sometimes like to joke, is my spirit animal.
He's just a marvel. He heaps food on his plate.
(25:08):
He falls upon it hammer and Tong, paying attention to
absolutely nothing else the whole time.
He guzzles wine and punch until he can hold no more, and then
crashes, cup shot to the couch and snoozes there while Mr.
Darcy and Mr. Bingley talk aboutthings.
Now granted, Mr. Hurst didn't sing hunting songs.
(25:29):
He also never roared out a request that his soft corn might
be remembered at the dinner table.
That might be my favorite line in my whole perusal of these
penny dreadfuls, by the way. But otherwise it's right on
point. And his so-called friends just
leave him lying there. It seems to occur to no one to
help him to a couch or something.
Mr. Chichester's eulogy is interesting as well, standing
(25:52):
over the his passed out friend. A fine fellow course, but
good-natured and best of all, very, very rich.
They seem very concerned about the possibility of Talbot
ruining their prospects with Richard though it couldn't be
more clear that they are puttingon a show for his benefit and
therefore he must be the mark insome long con game that they're
(26:14):
playing. It sounds like he lost about 3
dozen quid backing Mr. Chichester.
Maybe that's the plan, but threedozen quid isn't a whole lot in
circles like this. In the next chapter, we'll start
to unravel some of the secrets of Walter Sidney.
Specifically, as the scene opens, we are going to see him,
I mean her, in her boudoir, lounging on a French bed with a
(26:36):
boobie out, by the way, if the original art from the story is
to be believed, and reading a book and complaining bitterly
about having to keep up the charade of being a man.
But why is she doing so? And who is this mysterious Mr.
Stevens who she answers to? As you probably know, I am 1
charter ahead in all of these things.
I just go far enough that I can get the synopsis for the next
charter. I'm really looking forward to
(26:58):
preparing the synopsis for the charter after this, because this
one is getting interesting. All right.
Now, if you're just here for thepenny dreadful and would prefer
to avoid all the early Victorianexplicit content, feel free to
skip ahead to the next podcast in your queue now.
But this Tupeny Terrible Tuesdayepisode forges on into the
(27:21):
night. What we've done is we've moved
the most salacious parts of our show, the naughty bits if you
will, to Tupany Terrible Tuesday.
And hey, lucky you, it's now Tupany Terrible Tuesday.
So if you're interested in the body drinking songs, risque
anecdotes and dirty jokes that were part of 1840s life, stick
around. We're going to start off with
(27:45):
one of those salacious cock and Hen club songs from one of the
great old informal evening song books.
And this one, it's pretty obviously a boys club song, but
until I ran across it in my research, like I said at the
opening, I had no idea that the word dildo was of such
antiquity. I guess they spelled it with an
E But yeah, again, let me warn you.
You probably gathered this from the presence of the word dildo
(28:08):
in this song. But if you were hoping for
something even slightly sexy, you're going to be disappointed.
The early Victorians were just adorably awkward when it came to
erotic media. Well let's get to it.
The dildo or the amorous maids Tune 3 flies.
(28:30):
There was 3 maids who longed forman Sarah, Sook and Marianne.
Going to interrupt there to say was is in the original.
Grammatically it should be were,I'm aware of that, but I'm being
true to the text. Continuing to speak their wants,
they were afraid, and yet a pretty fuss they made for
lecherous joys. They pined each day till they
(28:50):
fretted all their fat away. They itched and longed a deal.
I walked for a little bit of. You know what?
But they. Too Randy got by half.
I Can't Sing if you do chaff, soshut your mouths and listen to
me cock a doodle Doo. Hey diddly Dee, I never let this
truth go by. There's nothing like genuine
luxury rye. Their amorous wants increased
(29:12):
each hour, they scarcely could contain their power.
Their form grew thin, their cheeks got one, and their
spirits too, were nearly gone. At length the scheme they
thought on plain, a scheme to somewhat ease their pain.
They bought a dildo their heat to smother, and they kindly
tickled up one another. It happened next room to them.
Folks say a frisky country lad did lay, who often listened to
(29:36):
their sighs, and heard them too,with some surprise and length in
the boards. He bored a hole, and peeping
through he buy a goal, beheld them at their amorous sport, and
made his passion rise. In short, now Guiles, he was a
cuddish lad, and very soon a scheme he had by which he might
these damsels cheat and give hislecherous thoughts a treat.
(29:58):
Next day when they were in the room, and with the dildo in a
fume, he bored the hole a littlemore wide, and a certain
something in did glide. This certain something, though,
so sly, did quickly catch the maiden's eye.
They guessed its use, and with agrin 1 after another they popped
it in. Bliss sparkled in their eyes,
I'm sure, for they'd never felt such joy before.
(30:19):
So the dildos soon they threw away, resolved to come there
every day. Thus Giles indulged his rude
desire and quenched the damsels burning fire, For they came
there regular once a day to put this certain something away.
The maids their spirits got to gain, and found out that it's
very plain. Though dildos may some comfort
bring, still there's nothing like the real thing.
(30:45):
Well, except for the usual end of episode Victorian dad jokes.
That's going to be it for us fortoday.
I hope you will join me again for our next show, which is 1/2
hour hapenny Horrid Hers Day episode which we will start out
with Chapter 17 of Spring HeeledJack the Terror of London in
which Richard Clavering tries tobluster his way out, but it's
(31:06):
not a good look. He's caught looming over his
unconscious lady with a knife inhis first Jack on Masks, and we
learned that he and Clavering know each other socially.
So did Jack overhear the part about the loaded dice?
What will he do if he does? And what will happen to poor
Jesse? After that comes the part of the
weekly program in which we placeall the darker elements of early
(31:28):
Victorian storytelling life. You can look forward to Horrid
murders, deep dives on public executions and war crimes and
other sundry delights. If that's not your jam, fear
not. Just skip to the next podcast on
your feed. And don't worry, another episode
of Clean, Wholesome Penny Dreadfulness will be arriving on
your pod catcher just a few dayshence this coming Sunday Eve.
(31:54):
Before we share you off, let's wash those dirty words and
innuendos out of our filthy little mouths with a few dorky
old early Victorian dad jokes courtesy of Joe Miller's Jests
or the Wits Vade Meekum, the most famous collection of
alleged wisecracks of the early 1800s.
Here we go, Tom B, happening to be at dinner with my Lord Mayors
(32:18):
in the latter part of Queen Anne's reign.
After two or three healths the ministry was toasted, But when
it came to Tom's turn to drink, he diverted it for some time by
telling a story to the person who sat next to him.
The chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go
round, called out Gentleman, where sticks the ministry at
nothing, said Tom, and so drank off his glass.
(32:42):
A certain FOP was boasting in company, that he had every sense
in perfection. There is one that you are quite
without, said one who was by, and that is common sense.
My Lord Craven and King James. The first reign was very
desirous to see Ben Johnson, which being told to Ben, he went
to my Lord's house. But being in a very tattered
(33:03):
condition, as poets sometimes are, the Porter refused him
admittance with some saucy language, which the other did
not fail to return. My Lord, happening to come out
while they were wrangling, askedthe occasion of it.
Ben, who stood in need of nobodyto speak for him, said he
understood his lordship desire to see him.
You friend, said My Lord, Who are you?
Ben Johnson, replied the other. No, no quoth, my Lord, you
(33:27):
cannot be Ben Johnson, who wrotethe Silent Woman.
You look as if you could not sayBo to a goose Bo, cried Ben.
Very well, said my Lord, who wasbetter pleased at the joke than
offended at the affront. I am now convinced by your wit.
You are indeed Ben Johnson. That's it for us for today.
(33:48):
Our theme music is a version of Golden Slippers, A minstrel show
song written by James A Bland in1879, and this version is by a
Seattle old time band, $4.00 Shoe.
For more of their music, just Google $4.00 Shoe and it will
pop right up. No matter how you spell it,
Penny Dreadful. The Penny Dreadful Hour is a
creation of pulp lit productions.
For more details, see pulp-lit.com and to get in touch
(34:11):
with me, hit me up at finn@pulp-lit.com or Finn at
pennydread.com. Thanks again for joining me, me
Pippins. It's time for us to bolt the
moon before the beaks get wise. For the Penny Dreadful Hour
podcast, I'm Finn JD John Morrising off now, fair forth
and fill up the rest of the weekwith all that is the Tippy.
(34:32):
Bye now.
A tip top Tuesday evening to allyou bow traps, fly angelics and
Knights of the brush and moon. I'm your host Finn JD John,
welcoming you back to the Chafing Crib for a Tupany
Terrible Tuesday show once againon the Penny Dreadful Hour show.
The Tupany Terrible Demi Hour isthe second of three shows in the
(00:32):
weekly cycle of the Penny Dreadful Hour.
This is the episode in which we cover all of the risque and
explicit stuff, so if you don't mind a bit of salaciousness and
cheek, stick around after the Dreadful has been read and we'll
do our best. We don't do outright porno it,
and yes, there was lots of that in the Victorian, but some of
the supper club and drinking saloon songs we get into on
(00:53):
Tuesday can get spicy enough to require an explicit tag.
Or, as will be the case today, awkward enough to definitely
require an explicit tag. As a side note, fun fact, did
you know that the word dildo wasan actual word in the Victorian
age? It's spelled with an E though.
DILDOE. There.
Now see, you never know when that factoid will win you a Gold
(01:16):
Star at trivia night at your local pub.
Anyway, let's get on to the show.
Here's what we've got in store for tonight.
We're going to start out right away with Chapter 6 of The
Mysteries of London by George WMReynolds, which started
publication in 1844. Nobody's heard of this story
(01:37):
today, but it was actually the most widely read story in
Britain in the 1800's, the wholecentury, not just the early
Victorian. In this chapter, Richard Markham
meets Diana Arlington and is utterly smitten.
And then a short, stout, vulgar looking man enters the room, and
this is Augustus Talbot, and he is truly crass.
(01:57):
He keeps trying to steer the conversation round to the
subject of a corn he's afflictedwith on his little toe.
Mr. Chichester and Sir Rupert Harborough are clearly worried
that Talbot might spoil their chances of making a favorable
impression on Richard. OK, why would they be so
concerned? It's increasingly obvious that
they're playing a game and that Richard is the mark.
(02:17):
Is Mr. Talbot also a mark? What is their game anyway?
Then a new guest arrives, apparently another prospective
mark whom they met at the opera the previous week.
Mr. Walter Sidney, an effeminatelooking, well dressed youth whom
we actually have seen before. We last saw him being pitched
down through the floor of a thieves crib into Fleet River
back in Chapter 2. He's different from the others,
(02:40):
though. He seems wise in a way no one
else is. Who is he?
What game is he playing? Well, we'll see.
Then we're going to dive right into the PG13 portion of the
show with a song or two from oneof the many collections of
drinking, thieving, and more to the point, for a twopenny
Terrible Tuesday singing songs with which our favorite
historical period abounded. So let's get to it.
(03:08):
To start, it's time for Chapter 6 of The Mysteries of London.
Now, because this week is the recommended starting point for
new listeners, I'm going to takea little time here to bring
everyone up to speed on the plotfrom this penny dreadful.
Bear with me now. This will be worth a few
minutes. It will take long time.
Listeners, feel free to skip ahead to the reading.
I'm going to mark the time signature in the show notes for
(03:29):
you, or simply skip ahead 5 minutes and 30 seconds from
right now to continue with the show and skip all the summaries
of chapters one through 4. Heads up though, starting with
Thursday's episode, I won't be able to do this because we're 17
chapters into Spring Heal Jack and it would just be too
cumbersome. In fact, I switched Spring Heal
Jack and the Mysteries of Londonaround specifically for this
(03:52):
reason so that I could do this today.
So for Thursday's reading, new listeners are encouraged to go
to our Discord server, where I have posted the summaries of all
seven of our stories. Well, six of them I'm still
working on Sweeney Todd. We're 55 chapters into that one.
You can access the Discord server through a redirect link
at pennydread.com/discord. And yeah, Penny, dread.com is a
(04:15):
thing. I just set it up.
There's not really anything there yet.
I'm working on that, so here's what happened in chapters one
through 5 of the Mysteries of London.
In chapter 1 we opened up in July of 1831 on the dark and
stormy night and a young tender looking boy of about 16, well
(04:36):
dressed in riding costume but onfoot, is lost and hurrying
through the filthy Smithfield market.
As the rain starts to pour down,he steps up onto the porch of a
slum tenement to try and get some shelter under its lentil
and the door pops open and he almost falls in.
Going inside he looks for a place to sit and rest, but all
is profoundly dark. Then a flash of lightning
(04:57):
reveals a large square of jet blackness in the floor 3 feet
from where he stands. It can be nothing other than a
hole in the floor. He retreats from the room.
Then he hears approaching footsteps hurrying away so he
will not be caught. He hears 2 men enter the house
and come up the stairs after him.
Then in chapter 2, the boy goes to the room at the end of the
(05:19):
hall and enters and closes the door.
Luckily the newcomers enter the other room, the one that he is
not in, and light a candle and the boy can actually see through
a window between the rooms. The newcomers are clearly
thieves. They produce some swag which
they hide in the fireplace behind the grate.
They open a secret cupboard and produce some good food and
drink. Then they start in talking about
(05:39):
a job they have scheduled next day, burgling the home of a
swell named Malcolm up IslingtonY in company with a third member
of their little party, Crikey Gem.
They start talking about the house, which is built above the
underground Fleet River and boasts a couple of trap doors
down which murder victims bodieshave been tossed.
The house used to be a lodging house in which folks checked in
(06:02):
but never checked out. At this point the boy has heard
too much. He knows if he's caught he's as
good as dead. But how can he escape?
He would have to walk past the open door to the other room to
get to the front door of the house.
Then one of the burglars catchesa glimpse of the boy's face and
is frightened. But his companion takes the
candle and boldly goes to investigate.
(06:22):
The youth is caught. What will be his fate?
Find out in Chapter 3 where we switch back.
Moments before, the youth had determined on a desperate
attempt to flee the house. He slid up to the window to see
if the ruffians were looking, ifone of them was, and that's when
he was spotted. The youth now knows he must flee
(06:43):
for his life, but his legs refuse their office and he
faints on the floor. When he awakens, he is being
carried by the two ruffians downthe stairs and into the front
room with the black square. From the black square he smells
a fetid odor and hears a gurgle of current.
They are going to throw him intothe fleet river, which runs
underground underneath of the house.
(07:04):
He screams and begs for his life, but the ruffians reply
that they cannot do otherwise than kill him.
As you. And now as fly to the fightman
as any one of us. Down he goes into the filthy
subterranean fleet to his death.Or does he?
Because the next day a letter ina beautiful, cultivated feminine
hand arrives at Mr. Markham's place warning of the planned
(07:25):
burglary. But nothing happens.
No attempt is made. In Chapter 4, we cut away to a
new scene on a hill near Mr. Markham's estate, the one those
two robbers were plotting to hit.
The 2 Markham brothers are walking to a pair of trees, each
of which was planted by one of the two of them.
The older is Eugene, he was until recently a military
(07:48):
officer. The younger, who still lives at
home, is Richard. Eugene is explaining to Richard
that at his regiment he got intogambling debts, and being unable
to get a response from their father to beg or borrow the
money to redeem these debts of honor, he was forced to sell his
Commission to pay them. The father, livid at this, said
some highly regrettable things, and now Eugene has decided to
(08:09):
vanish from his father's life, either to make his fortune or
sink to obscurity alone. Richard agrees to fetch Eugene's
things so that he need not set foot in the old place again, but
in doing so he encounters the Butler Whittingham, who insists
on following him back to see Eugene off.
Richard and Whittingham togetherare unable to persuade Eugene to
wait one more day before taking his leave, but Eugene agrees
(08:30):
that he will return to the same location between the two trees
12 years hence. Then quote, the discarded son
threw his little bundle over hisshoulder and hurried away from
the spot. Chapter 5 opens with four years
having passed, during which Richard's father, Mr. Markham,
desperately tried to find his departed son but never did and
(08:53):
died of a broken heart. Richard inherited the estate but
was not yet of age, so he only has an allowance from the trust
to live on for now. We follow him on a journey to
London where he meets a well dressed gentleman named Arthur
Chichester, who we perceive as at least a little bit of a Mace
man. And Mace Man, by the way, is a
is a swindler. Richard, young and naive, thinks
(09:13):
he's just a friendly, wealthy gent.
He accepts an invitation to dimewith his new friend with a
friend of his, Sir Rupert Harborough, in the company of
the latter's mistress on Missus Diana Arlington.
Throughout the evening, Richard is amazed by how much wine Mr.
Chichester can take without his noticeable effect.
We end on his arrival at Misses Arlington's supper table in a
(09:36):
splendidly furnished apartment over a music shop in Bond
Street. And with that, you're up to
speed. Let's see how supper with Diana
Arlington goes now. Chapter 6.
Misses Arlington. The Honourable Mr. Arthur
Chichester had not exaggerated his description of the beauty of
(09:59):
the enchantress, for so she was called by the male portion of
her admirers. Indeed, she was of exquisite
loveliness. Her dark brown hair was arranged
on bandeau, and parted over a forehead polished as marble.
Her eyes were large, and of thatsoft, dark, melting blue which
seems to form a heaven of promises and bliss to gladden
(10:21):
the beholder. She was not above the middle
height of woman, but her form was modelled to the most
exquisite and voluptuous symmetry.
Her figure reminded the spectator of the body of a wasp,
so taper was the waist, and so exuberant was the swell of the
bust. Her mouth was small and pouting,
but when she smiled the parting roses of the lips displayed a
(10:43):
set of teeth white as the pearlsof the East.
Her hand would have made the envy of a queen.
And yet, above all these charms,a certain something which could
not be exactly denominated boldness nor effrontery, but
which was the very reverse of extreme reserve, immediately
struck Richard Markham. He could not define the fault he
had to find with this beautiful woman, and still there was
(11:06):
something in her manners which seemed to proclaim that she did
not possess the tranquillity andease of a wife.
She appeared to be constantly aiming at the display of the
accomplishments of her mind or the graces of her attitudes.
She seemed to court admiration by every word and every motion,
and to keep alive in the mind ofthe baronet the passion with
(11:27):
which she had inspired him. She possessed not that
confidence, and contented reliance upon the idea of
unalienable affections which characterized the wife.
She seemed to be well aware thatno legal nor religious ties
connected the baronet to her, and she therefore kept her
imagination perpetually upon therack to weave new artificial
(11:49):
bonds to cast around him. And as if each action or each
word of the baronet severed those bonds of silk and wreathed
flowers, she found Penelope likethat at short intervals.
Her laborers were to be achievedover again.
This constant state of mental anxiety and excitement imparted
a corresponding restlessness to her body, and those frequent
(12:10):
changes of attitude which were originally intended to develop
the graces of her person, or allow her lover's eye to catch
short glimpses of her heaving bosom of snow, now became a
settled habit. Nevertheless, she was a lovely
and fascinating woman, and one for whom a young heart would
undertake 1000 sacrifices by accident.
(12:31):
Richard was seated next to Mrs. Arlington upon the sofa.
He soon perceived that she was indeed as accomplished as the
baronet had represented her to be, and her critical opinions
upon the current literature, dramatic novelties, and new
music of the day were delivered with judgment and good sense.
Richard could not help glancing from time to time in admiration
(12:51):
at her beautiful countenance, animated as it was now with the
excitement of the topics of discourse, and whenever her
large blue eyes met his, a deep blush suffused his countenance,
and he knew not what he said or did.
Well, what shall we do to amuse ourselves?
Said Chichester at the expiration of about an hour
during which coffee had been handed out.
(13:13):
Upon my honour. Exclaimed the baronet.
I am perfectly indifferent. I would say you to a game of
whist or a carte. Just as you choose, said
Chichester carelessly. At this moment the door opened
in a roguish looking little tiger.
A lad of about 14 in chocolate coloured livery with three rows
(13:33):
of bright crested buttons down his Prussian jacket entered to
announce another guest. A short, stout, vulgar looking
man about 40 years of age with ablue coat and brass buttons,
buff Westcott and Gray trousers entered the room.
Oh well. Chapa, were you he?
Exclaimed in a tone of most ineffable vulgarity.
Harborough How are you? Chichester Mutulip, How goes it?
(13:57):
The baronet hastened to receive this extraordinary visitor, and
as he shook hands with him, whispered something in his ear.
The stranger immediately turned toward Richard, to whom he was
introduced by the name of Mr. Augustus Talbot.
This gentleman and the baronet then conversed together for a
few moments, and Chichester drawing near, Markham seized the
opportunity of observing. Talbot is an excellent fellow, a
(14:19):
regular John Bull, not over polished, but enormously rich
and well connected. You will see that he is not more
cultivated in mind than in manners, but he would go to the
devil to do anyone a service, and somehow or another you can't
help liking the fellow once you get to know him.
Any friend of yours or of the baronets will be agreeable to
me, said Richard. And provided he is a man of
(14:40):
honour, a little roughness of manner should be readily
overlooked. You speak like a man of the
world, and is a man of honour yourself, said Mr. Chichester.
Meanwhile the baronet and Mr. Talbot had seated themselves,
and the Honourable Mr. Chichester returned to his own
chair. The conversation then became
general. I didn't know that you were in
town, Talbot said Mr. Chichester.
(15:02):
And I forgot to. Mention it, observed the
baronet. Or rather, said the lady, you
meditated. A little surprise for your
friend, Mr. Chichester. I hope you've been well, ma'am,
since I saw you last. That is the day before.
Yesterday, said Mr. Talbot. You was complaining then of a
slight cold, and I recommend a treacle posit and a stocking
tied round the throat. My dear Talbot, take some
(15:25):
liqueur. Cried the baronet, rising
hastily and purposely knocking down his chair to drown the
remainder of Mr. Talbot's observation.
But I dare say you didn't followmy voice, ma'am.
Proceeded Mr. Talbot with the most imperturbable gravity.
For my poor I'm suffering dreadful with a bad foot.
I'll tell you how it were, ma'am.
(15:46):
Oh, I've got a nasty soft corn on my little.
Toe. And so I must.
Do but yesterday morning I takesmy riser, sharpens it upon the
pine tent strap and goes for a cut off master corn.
But instead of cutting the corn,I nearly slice my toe off.
And by the way, Diana, has the young gentleman called yet, whom
(16:08):
we met the other evening at the.Opera, Said the baronet,
abruptly interrupting this vulgar tirade.
Do you mean the effeminate youthwhom we dumped?
The handsome unknown? Said the Enchantress.
Yes, he who was so very mysterious, but who seemed so
excessively anxious to form our acquaintance.
(16:28):
He promised to call some eveningthis week, answered Diana and
play at a game of a carte. He told me he was quite
invincible at a carte. Talking of ecarte, let us play a
game, ejaculated Mr. Chichester,who was sitting upon thorns,
lest Mr. Talbot should commence his vulgarities again.
Whoa, take eye and with pleasure.
(16:49):
Said this individual, then turning toward Diana, he added.
All will tell you the rest. Of the adventure.
About a soft corner of a toy, ma'am.
What a nuisance this is, whispered Chichester to the
baronet. The young fellow does stare so.
You must give me some explanation or another.
Hastily replied the baronet or I'll.
Tell Diana to say something presently that will smooth down
(17:13):
matters the. Cards were produced, and Mr.
Talbot and the Honourable Mr. Chichester sat down to play.
Sir Rupert backed the former, and considerable sums and golden
notes were placed upon the table.
Presently the lady turned towardRichard, and said with a smile.
Are you fond of a carte? I must venture a Guinea upon Mr.
(17:33):
Chichester. Sir Rupert is betting against
him, and I love to oppose Sir Rupert at cards.
You will see how I shall tease him presently.
With these words the enchantressrose, and seated herself near
Mr. Chichester. Of course Markham did the same,
and in a very short time he was induced by the lady to follow
her example, and back the same side which she supported.
(17:54):
Mr. Chichester, however, had a continued run of ill luck, and
lost every rubber. Richard was thus the loser of
about 30 sovereigns, but he was somewhat consoled by having so
fair a companion in his bad fortune.
He would have suffered himself to be persuaded by her to
persist in backing Mr. Chichester, as she positively
assured him that luck must change, had not that gentleman
(18:15):
himself suddenly risen, thrown down the cards, and declared
that he would play no more. Would you, ma'am, like to take
Mr. Chichester's place, Said Mr.Talbot.
Mr. Chichester shook his head tothe baronet, and the baronet did
the same to Diana, and Diana accordingly declined.
The card table was therefore abandoned, and Missus Arlington,
at the request of Sir Rupert, seated herself at the piano
(18:38):
without any affectation. She sang and accompanied herself
upon the instrument in a manner that quite ravished the heart of
Richard Markham. Suddenly the entire house echoed
with the din of the front door knocker, and almost
simultaneously the bell was rungwith violence.
In a few moments the young tigerannounced Mr. Walter Sidney.
He was a youth, apparently not more than 19 or 20, of middle
(19:02):
height and very slim. He wore a tight blue military
frock coat buttoned up to the throat, ample black Kerzimir
trousers, which did not, however, conceal the fact that
he was the least thing knocked Mead, and a hat with a tolerably
broad brim. His feet and hands were small to
a fault. His long, light chestnut hair
flowed in luxuriant undulations over the collar of his coat,
(19:23):
even upon his shoulders, and gave him a peculiarly feminine
appearance. His delicate complexion, upon
the pure red and white of which the dark hues of no beard had
yet infringed, wore a deep blushas he entered the room.
Mr. Sidney, you are welcome, said Missus Arlington, in a
manner calculated to reassure the bashful youth.
It was but an hour ago that we were talking of you, and
(19:46):
wondering why we had not received the pleasure of a
visit. Madam, you are too kind, replied
Mr. Sidney, in a tone which sounded upon the ear like a
silver bell, so soft and beautiful was its cadence.
I am afraid that I am intruding.I had hoped to find you alone.
I mean yourself and Sir Rupert Harborough and and I perceive
that you have good company. He stammered, became confused
(20:09):
with excuses, and then glanced at his attire as much to
intimate that he was in walking dress.
Both the baronet and Diana hastened to welcome him in such
a manner as to speedily place him upon comfortable terms with
himself once more, and then he was introduced to Mr.
Chichester, Mr. Talbot, and Mr. Markham.
The moment the name of Markham was mentioned, the youthful
(20:29):
visitor started perceptibly, andthen fixed his intelligent Hazel
eyes upon the countenance of Richard, with an expression of
the most profound interest mingled with surprise.
Mr. Chichester made an observation at the same moment,
and Sydney immediately afterwards entered with ease and
apparent pleasure into a conversation which turned upon
the most popular topics of the day.
(20:50):
Richard was astonished at the extreme modesty, propriety, and
good sense with which that effeminate and bashful youth
expressed himself, and even the baronet, who was in reality well
informed, listened to his interesting visitor with
attention and admiration. Still there was a species of
extreme delicacy in his tastes, as evidenced by his remarks,
(21:10):
which bordered at times upon a fastidiousness, if not an
inexperience, actually puerile or feminine.
At 11:30 supper was served up, and the party sat down to that
most welcome and sociable of allmeals.
It was truly diverting to beholdthe manner in which Mr. Talbot
fell tooth and nail upon the delicacies which were heaped
(21:30):
upon his plate, and his applications to the wine bottle
were to correspond. At one time he expressed his
regret that it was too vulgar todrink half and half, and on
another he vented his national prejudices against those who
maintained that perigord pies were preferable to rum stakes,
or that claret was more exquisite than Porter Sherry.
(21:51):
Once, when it would appear Mr. Chichester kicked him under the
table, he roared out a request that his soft corn might be
remembered. And as his friends were by no
means anxious for a second edition of that interesting
narrative, especially before Mr.Walter Sidney, they adopted the
prudent alternative of conveyingtheir remonstrances to him by
means of winks instead of kicks.After supper Mr. Talbot insisted
(22:15):
upon making a huge bowl of punchin his own fashion, but he found
that Mister Chichester would alone aid him in disposing of
it. As for Mr. Walter Sidney, he
never appeared to do more than touch the brim of the wine glass
with his lips. In a short time Mr. Talbot
insisted upon practicing his vocal powers by singing a
hunting song, and was deeply indignant with his friends
(22:37):
because they would not join him in the very impressive but
somewhat common chorus of Fal dala, la, FA da La La.
It is impossible to say what Mr.Talbot would have done next, but
much to the horror of the baronet, Mr. Chichester and
Diana, and equally to the surprise of Richard Markham and
Walter Sidney, he suddenly lost his balance and fell heavily
(22:57):
upon the floor and into a sound sleep simultaneously.
What a pity, said Mr. Chichester, shaking his head
mournfully, and glancing down upon the prostate gentleman as
if he were pronouncing a funeraloration over his remains.
This is his only fault, and as it happens every night, it
begins materially to disfigure his character.
Otherwise he is an excellent fellow, and immensely rich.
(23:21):
At this moment the eyes of Richard caught those of Walter
Sidney. An I'll concealed expression of
superlative contempt and ineffable disgust was visible
upon the handsome countenance ofthe latter.
Then the proud curl of his lip manifested his opinion of the
scene he had just witnessed. In a few moments he rose to
depart to Diana. He was only coldly polite to the
(23:42):
baronet and Chichester superbly distant and constrained.
But towards Markham, as he took leave of him, there was a
cordiality in his manner, and a sincerity in the desire which he
expressed that we should meet again, which formed a remarkable
contrast with his behavior toward the others.
That night's slumber seemed to evade the eyes of Richard
Markham. The image of Missus Arlington,
(24:04):
and all which she had said, and the various graceful and
voluptuous attitudes into which she had thrown herself, occupied
his imagination. At times, however, his thoughts
wandered to that charming youth,that mere boy who seemed to
court his friendship, and who was so delicate and so fragile
to encounter the storms and vicissitudes of that world in
whose dizzy vortex he was already found.
(24:26):
Not less did Richard ever and Anon experience a sentiment of
profound surprise that the elegant and wealthy Sir Rupert
Harborough, the accomplished andlovely Diana, and the fastidious
Mr. Arthur Chichester should tolerate the Society of such an
unmitigated vulgarian as Mr. Talbot.
(24:47):
Well, that was really interesting, wasn't it?
Mr. Talbot reminds me a good deal of the character of Mr.
Hurst, played brilliantly by Rupert van Sitart and the BBC's
in 1996 production of Pride and Prejudice.
Mr. Hurst, who I sometimes like to joke, is my spirit animal.
He's just a marvel. He heaps food on his plate.
(25:08):
He falls upon it hammer and Tong, paying attention to
absolutely nothing else the whole time.
He guzzles wine and punch until he can hold no more, and then
crashes, cup shot to the couch and snoozes there while Mr.
Darcy and Mr. Bingley talk aboutthings.
Now granted, Mr. Hurst didn't sing hunting songs.
(25:29):
He also never roared out a request that his soft corn might
be remembered at the dinner table.
That might be my favorite line in my whole perusal of these
penny dreadfuls, by the way. But otherwise it's right on
point. And his so-called friends just
leave him lying there. It seems to occur to no one to
help him to a couch or something.
Mr. Chichester's eulogy is interesting as well, standing
(25:52):
over the his passed out friend. A fine fellow course, but
good-natured and best of all, very, very rich.
They seem very concerned about the possibility of Talbot
ruining their prospects with Richard though it couldn't be
more clear that they are puttingon a show for his benefit and
therefore he must be the mark insome long con game that they're
(26:14):
playing. It sounds like he lost about 3
dozen quid backing Mr. Chichester.
Maybe that's the plan, but threedozen quid isn't a whole lot in
circles like this. In the next chapter, we'll start
to unravel some of the secrets of Walter Sidney.
Specifically, as the scene opens, we are going to see him,
I mean her, in her boudoir, lounging on a French bed with a
(26:36):
boobie out, by the way, if the original art from the story is
to be believed, and reading a book and complaining bitterly
about having to keep up the charade of being a man.
But why is she doing so? And who is this mysterious Mr.
Stevens who she answers to? As you probably know, I am 1
charter ahead in all of these things.
I just go far enough that I can get the synopsis for the next
charter. I'm really looking forward to
(26:58):
preparing the synopsis for the charter after this, because this
one is getting interesting. All right.
Now, if you're just here for thepenny dreadful and would prefer
to avoid all the early Victorianexplicit content, feel free to
skip ahead to the next podcast in your queue now.
But this Tupeny Terrible Tuesdayepisode forges on into the
(27:21):
night. What we've done is we've moved
the most salacious parts of our show, the naughty bits if you
will, to Tupany Terrible Tuesday.
And hey, lucky you, it's now Tupany Terrible Tuesday.
So if you're interested in the body drinking songs, risque
anecdotes and dirty jokes that were part of 1840s life, stick
around. We're going to start off with
(27:45):
one of those salacious cock and Hen club songs from one of the
great old informal evening song books.
And this one, it's pretty obviously a boys club song, but
until I ran across it in my research, like I said at the
opening, I had no idea that the word dildo was of such
antiquity. I guess they spelled it with an
E But yeah, again, let me warn you.
You probably gathered this from the presence of the word dildo
(28:08):
in this song. But if you were hoping for
something even slightly sexy, you're going to be disappointed.
The early Victorians were just adorably awkward when it came to
erotic media. Well let's get to it.
The dildo or the amorous maids Tune 3 flies.
(28:30):
There was 3 maids who longed forman Sarah, Sook and Marianne.
Going to interrupt there to say was is in the original.
Grammatically it should be were,I'm aware of that, but I'm being
true to the text. Continuing to speak their wants,
they were afraid, and yet a pretty fuss they made for
lecherous joys. They pined each day till they
(28:50):
fretted all their fat away. They itched and longed a deal.
I walked for a little bit of. You know what?
But they. Too Randy got by half.
I Can't Sing if you do chaff, soshut your mouths and listen to
me cock a doodle Doo. Hey diddly Dee, I never let this
truth go by. There's nothing like genuine
luxury rye. Their amorous wants increased
(29:12):
each hour, they scarcely could contain their power.
Their form grew thin, their cheeks got one, and their
spirits too, were nearly gone. At length the scheme they
thought on plain, a scheme to somewhat ease their pain.
They bought a dildo their heat to smother, and they kindly
tickled up one another. It happened next room to them.
Folks say a frisky country lad did lay, who often listened to
(29:36):
their sighs, and heard them too,with some surprise and length in
the boards. He bored a hole, and peeping
through he buy a goal, beheld them at their amorous sport, and
made his passion rise. In short, now Guiles, he was a
cuddish lad, and very soon a scheme he had by which he might
these damsels cheat and give hislecherous thoughts a treat.
(29:58):
Next day when they were in the room, and with the dildo in a
fume, he bored the hole a littlemore wide, and a certain
something in did glide. This certain something, though,
so sly, did quickly catch the maiden's eye.
They guessed its use, and with agrin 1 after another they popped
it in. Bliss sparkled in their eyes,
I'm sure, for they'd never felt such joy before.
(30:19):
So the dildos soon they threw away, resolved to come there
every day. Thus Giles indulged his rude
desire and quenched the damsels burning fire, For they came
there regular once a day to put this certain something away.
The maids their spirits got to gain, and found out that it's
very plain. Though dildos may some comfort
bring, still there's nothing like the real thing.
(30:45):
Well, except for the usual end of episode Victorian dad jokes.
That's going to be it for us fortoday.
I hope you will join me again for our next show, which is 1/2
hour hapenny Horrid Hers Day episode which we will start out
with Chapter 17 of Spring HeeledJack the Terror of London in
which Richard Clavering tries tobluster his way out, but it's
(31:06):
not a good look. He's caught looming over his
unconscious lady with a knife inhis first Jack on Masks, and we
learned that he and Clavering know each other socially.
So did Jack overhear the part about the loaded dice?
What will he do if he does? And what will happen to poor
Jesse? After that comes the part of the
weekly program in which we placeall the darker elements of early
(31:28):
Victorian storytelling life. You can look forward to Horrid
murders, deep dives on public executions and war crimes and
other sundry delights. If that's not your jam, fear
not. Just skip to the next podcast on
your feed. And don't worry, another episode
of Clean, Wholesome Penny Dreadfulness will be arriving on
your pod catcher just a few dayshence this coming Sunday Eve.
(31:54):
Before we share you off, let's wash those dirty words and
innuendos out of our filthy little mouths with a few dorky
old early Victorian dad jokes courtesy of Joe Miller's Jests
or the Wits Vade Meekum, the most famous collection of
alleged wisecracks of the early 1800s.
Here we go, Tom B, happening to be at dinner with my Lord Mayors
(32:18):
in the latter part of Queen Anne's reign.
After two or three healths the ministry was toasted, But when
it came to Tom's turn to drink, he diverted it for some time by
telling a story to the person who sat next to him.
The chief magistrate of the city, not seeing his toast go
round, called out Gentleman, where sticks the ministry at
nothing, said Tom, and so drank off his glass.
(32:42):
A certain FOP was boasting in company, that he had every sense
in perfection. There is one that you are quite
without, said one who was by, and that is common sense.
My Lord Craven and King James. The first reign was very
desirous to see Ben Johnson, which being told to Ben, he went
to my Lord's house. But being in a very tattered
(33:03):
condition, as poets sometimes are, the Porter refused him
admittance with some saucy language, which the other did
not fail to return. My Lord, happening to come out
while they were wrangling, askedthe occasion of it.
Ben, who stood in need of nobodyto speak for him, said he
understood his lordship desire to see him.
You friend, said My Lord, Who are you?
Ben Johnson, replied the other. No, no quoth, my Lord, you
(33:27):
cannot be Ben Johnson, who wrotethe Silent Woman.
You look as if you could not sayBo to a goose Bo, cried Ben.
Very well, said my Lord, who wasbetter pleased at the joke than
offended at the affront. I am now convinced by your wit.
You are indeed Ben Johnson. That's it for us for today.
(33:48):
Our theme music is a version of Golden Slippers, A minstrel show
song written by James A Bland in1879, and this version is by a
Seattle old time band, $4.00 Shoe.
For more of their music, just Google $4.00 Shoe and it will
pop right up. No matter how you spell it,
Penny Dreadful. The Penny Dreadful Hour is a
creation of pulp lit productions.
For more details, see pulp-lit.com and to get in touch
(34:11):
with me, hit me up at finn@pulp-lit.com or Finn at
pennydread.com. Thanks again for joining me, me
Pippins. It's time for us to bolt the
moon before the beaks get wise. For the Penny Dreadful Hour
podcast, I'm Finn JD John Morrising off now, fair forth
and fill up the rest of the weekwith all that is the Tippy.
(34:32):
Bye now.
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