025: A vampire bride for Charles Holland? ... Tobias's mind restored! ... the traveler's horrible secret ... the spring-heel'd demon in the crypt ... the sinister rat-eyed Midnight Agent!

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
The. Tip Top evening to all you
archdoxies, ACT pirates and Knights of the Brush and Moon.
I'm your host, Finn JD John, known among the pig men and
rumquad culls around King's Bench College as Professor

(00:28):
Flash, welcoming you back to theChafing Crib.
It's another Saturday night and that means it's time to slip off
your crab shells and put up yourhooves, top off a Tumblr with
Sir Robert Burnett's finest, bite your name in it and swivel
your pipkin my way. Because another rare noggin of
gammonery in the form of the Penny Dreadful Story Hour is

(00:49):
upon us. Like millionaire Robert Merton
on a life changing bad idea, ThePenny Dreadful Story Hour is the
podcast that carries you back tothe sooty, foggy streets of
early Victorian London when the latest batch of the story papers
hits the streets. Not the fancy ones that cost a
whole shilling, but the cheap, unruly ones that the laced women

(01:10):
and flowers of society call penny dreadfuls.
That's right, the good stuff that like a quarter or two of
straight hot daffy may be a little rough, but does the job.
Here's what we've got in store for tonight in Sweeney Todd.
Poor Barbara's apprentice, Tobias Ragg remains in a state
of temporary insanity. But Tobias, dim witted mother

(01:31):
has brought back his childhood sweetheart, Minna Grey.
Will she be able to bring him back to his senses?
And if she does, will he be ableto tell anything that will shed
light on Sweeney Todd's many crimes?
In Black Bess, the strange traveler comes to the hand and
keys in and knocks on the door just as a guest is telling of a
horrible murder that was committed there eight years

(01:53):
previously. A not over well liked Stewart
was stabbed to death and robbed.The knocker is brought in by the
fire and the story continues, but the newcomer becomes
agitated and goes upstairs. Before too long he seems very
uneasy. Then a pistol shot rings out on
the night air and there's a scream in Varney.
The vampire Henry Bannerworth urges Charles Holland to flee

(02:17):
and leave the vampire blighted Bannerworth family to its fate,
but he steadfastly refuses to doso, reaffirms his commitment to
Flora, and asks to be billeted in the room in which the undead
apparition visited her. Will he prove more than a match
for Vampy? He hopes so.
In Spring Heeled Jack. Jack is in a tight spot, trapped

(02:39):
in a churchyard vault with the fresh corpse of the thief He's
just frightened to death by accident, and with a crowd
growing outside, attracted by that thief's terrified streaks.
If he's caught inside the vault,he'll be prosecuted for murder.
Can he escape? How in the black band we meet
another couple of characters, anelderly man with rat like eyes

(03:01):
by the name of Samuel Crank, whois an agent for something or
someone. Nobody in the neighborhood knows
precisely who or or even what Samuel Crank looks like.
Then a tall dark man comes to his office and we recognize him
as Colonel Mephistopheles Oscar Bertrand himself.
What fresh deviltry could they have afoot?

(03:22):
There's a knock at the door and Mephistopheles hides to
eavesdrop. What could it be?
What could they want? Well, OK, let's get started.
But first, today's broadcast is brought to you by Professor
Flashes Flash Academy and Fine Art Timeshare Agency for 12
monthly payments of two Guineas and a Tanner.
You too can amaze friends and fool others with your command of

(03:44):
the Flash Can't, the street slang most in vogue with the
highest autumn gogglers and the sharpest elbow shakers and the
slickest hoyster mots in the OldMetrop.
As a special courtesy from the Academy, a useful Flash Can't
word or phrase will appear at the beginning and ending of each
of our penny dreadful stories Today.
The Flash Can't. Word for this reading is on the

(04:05):
Mace. Major Bounce lived on the Mace
for a good long time, but MissesLovett clinched that.
Do you know this one? If not, take a guess.
We'll get the full story at the end of our reading from Sweeney
Todd. Speaking of which, let's turn to
that now. Last week in Chapter 48 of The
Barber of Fleet Street, or The String of Pearls by James

(04:26):
Malcolm Reimer. Poor Tobias Rags Dingbat Mother
has made things worse instead ofbetter by trying to recall his
memories but getting distracted by her own grief over Tobias
dead father and going off at length about how sad and unfair
it is that he is no longer amongthe living.
A sentiment that seems unlikely to drive the madness away from

(04:47):
poor Tobias's fevered brow. But then the Colonel learns that
Tobias had a sweetheart named Minna Grey, so he asked old
Missus Wragg to bring her around.
Will she be able to restore Tobias's sanity?
Well, let's find out. Chapter 49.

(05:09):
Tobias recovers his intellect inthe course of 1/4 of an hour.
The surgeon was sent for, and then Missus Wragg tapped at the
drawing room door to give the Colonel an account of the
success of her mission. But he at once said to her, We
know all, Missus Wragg, we merely wish to see Tobias first,
so that the medical gentleman may see exactly his condition.

(05:31):
And then, if you will bring Minna Grey here, I will speak to
her, and I hope put her quite ather ease as regards what she has
to do. Certainly, Sir, hold fast and
good comes. At last the surgeon and the two
gentlemen went to Tobias's chamber, and there they found
him in the same lethargic condition that, with only

(05:51):
occasional interruptions, he hadcontinued in since he had been
in the colonel's house. These interruptions consisted in
moaning appeals for mercy, and at times the name of Todd would
pass his lips in accents which showed what a name of terror it
was to him. The surgeon placed his hand upon
Tobias's head. Tobias, he said.

(06:13):
Tobias. A deep sigh was his answer.
Tobias. Tobias.
Oh, God, cried. Tobias.
Spare me. I will tell nothing.
Oh, spare me, Mr. Todd. Repent now.
There, there, the blood. What a crowd of dead men.
Dead, dead. All.
Dead. No better, said the Colonel.

(06:34):
Not a bit. On the contrary, the longer he
remains in this condition, the less chance there will be.
Of his recovery. I shall lose hope if this last
experiment produces no good results.
Let us go and speak to the younggirl.
They all descended to the drawing room, and Minna Grey was
summoned. Colonel Jeffrey took her kindly
by the hand and LED her to a seat, and then he said to her.

(06:57):
Now, Miss Grey, remember that all here are friends to you and
to Tobias, and that we all feel deeply for you and for him.
You are very young, both of you,but that is no reason on earth
why you should not love each other.
Minna looked up at him through her tears.
As she said. Is he very, very ill?
He is indeed, we suspect. Indeed, I may say.

(07:19):
We know that his mind has received so severe a shock that
for a time it is deranged. But we hope that as that
derangement, you understand, hasnot arisen from any disease,
pleasant and agreeable impressions may restore him.
What we want you to do is to speak to him, as you no doubt
have been in the habit of doing in happier times.
Yes, Yes, Sir. I think you know exactly what we

(07:41):
mean. I do, Sir.
Indeed I do. Oh, bless you, Sir.
She understands. Said Missus Wragg.
A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse.
You know, gentlemen, handsome isas handsome does, I used to say
to the late Mr. Wragg, who is naturally dead and gone, and
accordingly buried at Saint Martin's.
You can tell us that another time, Adam said the surgeon.

(08:04):
At present, you see, we are rather busy.
And now, Miss Gray, if you wouldhave the goodness to come with
me, we will see what can be donefor our young friend upstairs.
Poor men are Gray. How her color went and came like
the sunlight of an April day, asshe accompanied the gentleman
and Missus ragg upstairs to Tobias's chamber.
How she trembled when she reached the landing, and what a

(08:26):
faintness came over her when thedoor was opened and she saw that
dimly lighted room. Courage, whispered Colonel
Jeffrey to her. This is a holy errand you are
upon. Yes, yes.
Cut your coat according to your.Cloth, said Missus Wragg, who,
provided she thought of a proverb, was not very particular
as regards to its applicability to the circumstances under which

(08:49):
she uttered it. Keep your feet to the length of
your sheet. Pray Madam, said the surgeon,
who seemed to have quite a horror of Missus Wragg.
Pray, Madam, oblige me by being silent.
A still tongue makes a wise head.
Good God, Colonel, will you speak to her?
Hush, Missus Wragg, said ColonelJeffrey, hush.

(09:09):
You will perhaps be the means ofspoiling this important effort
for the recovery of your son, ifyou are not perfectly quiet.
Thus admonished, Missus Wragg shrank into the background a
little, and the Colonel went to the window and let in a little
more light. The surgeon conducted Menegrey
to the bedside, and she looked upon the boy who had won her
childish heart through a world of tears.

(09:31):
It is, it is Tobias. Is he much altered?
Oh, yes, much, much. He he used to look so happy.
His face, his face was like a piece of sunshine.
She sank upon a. Chair that was by the bedside
and sobbed. This we'll never do, said the
surgeon. Wait, oh, wait a little, she

(09:53):
whispered. Only wait a little, I shall be
better soon. The surgeon nodded, and then
stepping back to the Colonel andthe Captain, he said, This burst
of grief must have its way or itwill mar all.
We must have patience. They all hid themselves behind
the folds of the bed furniture, and Missus Wragg sat down in an
obscure corner of the room, working her knee up and down as

(10:15):
though she were nursing an imaginary baby.
Gradually the sobs of mini Gray subsided until all was still.
She then gently took one of the thin wasted hands of poor Tobias
in her own and looked at it. Oh, how changed it was.
She then bent over him and looked in his face.
Permeative lines of care were there, battling with the rounded

(10:36):
muscles of early youth. Then she summoned all her
courage to speak. She placed her lips close to his
ear, and in the soft, sweet accents that had long before
sunk deep into his heart, she said, Tobias, my Tobias.
The boy started. Dear Tobias, a design Milla.
He opened his eyes, which had been closed and seemingly

(10:59):
cemented by tears. Tobias, Tobias, dear.
A smile, a heavenly smile. It was the first that had played
upon his lips since he set foot in the shop of Sweeney Todd, and
it now broke like a sunbeam overhis face.
I am mad. Mad, he said gently.
Or that is the voice of my manna, It is.

(11:19):
Tobias, look at me. He rose up in the bed.
He cast one glance at the well known and dearly remembered
face, and then with a gasping SOB of joy, he clasped her in
his arms. It's done, said the surgeon.
Thank God, said Colonel Jeffrey.Missus Wragg drew her breath so
hard through her nose that she made a noise like some wild

(11:40):
animal in the agonies of suffocation.
Do you really know me, Tobias? No, you dear.
Oh, why should I not know you? Minna, God bless you.
May he bless you, Tobias. They wept together.
Minna forgot that there was anybody else in the world but
herself and Tobias. And parting the long straggling
masses of hair from before his face, she kissed him.

(12:03):
For my sake, Tobias. Now you will take care of
yourself and recover quickly, dear, dear Minna.
He seemed never tired of holdingher hands and kissing them.
Suddenly the surgeon stepped forward with a small vial in his
hands. No, Tobias, he said, you are
much better, but you must take this.
The surprise and consternation with which Tobias regarded him

(12:27):
was beyond description. Then he glanced at the bedstead
in the rich hangings, and he said, Oh, Minna, what is all
this? Where am I?
Is it a dream? Give it to him, said the
surgeon, handing the vial to Minna.
She placed the neck of it to hislips.
Drink, Tobias. Had it been a deadly poison she
had offered him, Tobias would have taken it.

(12:48):
The vial was drained. He looked in her face again with
a smile. If this is indeed a dream, I
meant on me. I never awaken.
Dear, dear one, I. He fell back upon the pillow.
The smile still lingered upon his face, but the narcotic which
the surgeon had administered to him had produced its effect, and

(13:10):
the enfeebled Tobias fell into adeep.
Sleep. Minna Grey looked rather alarmed
at this sudden falling off of Tobias from waking to sleeping,
but the surgeon quieted her fears.
All is right, he said. He will awaken in some hours
wonderfully refreshed, and I have the pleasure of now
predicting his perfect cure. You do not know, said Colonel

(13:31):
Jeffrey, what pleasure that assurance gives me and me, said
the Captain. Minna looked all that she
thought, but she could not speak, and Missus Wragg still
kept up the mysterious noise sheproduced by hard breathing with
her mouth closed shut. No, Madam, said the surgeon to
her, our young friend must be left alone for some hours.

(13:52):
It is now 6:00, and I do not expect he will awaken until 12.
When he does, I am very much mistaken.
If you do not all of you find him perfectly restored and
composed of the very weak. I will take care to be on hand,
said the Colonel. Miss Gray.
Perhaps you will call and see how he is tomorrow, and all I
can say is that you will be quite welcome to my house

(14:12):
whenever you think proper. But let me impress upon you one
thing. What is it, Sir?
The absolute necessity of your keeping Tobias's place of abode,
and anything concerning him a most profound secret.
I will do so. If you do not do so, you will
not only endanger the cause of justice, but in all probability
his life, for he has an enemy with great resources, and of the

(14:33):
most unscrupulous disposition inthe use of them.
I say this much to you, because the least indiscretion might be
fatal. I will guard the secret, Sir, as
I would guard his life. That will do.
Now come downstairs and let us have a glass of wine to drink.
To the speedy restoration of theperfect health of Tobias.
Come, Rathbone, what do you think?
Shall we be one too many yet forTodd?

(14:55):
I begin to think we shall. I feel certain of it so soon as
we see that Tobias is sufficiently well to make any
statement. It will be necessary to send for
Sir Richard Blunt, certainly, and then I hope and trust that
we should all get at something that will elucidate the mystery
that is still attached to the fate of poor Thornhill.
I fear he is gone, Dad. Yes, that fatal string of pearls

(15:19):
has heralded him to death, I fear.
But perhaps we shall hear a something concerning that yet
from Tobias. They all sat down in the drawing
room, and with tearful pleasure Minna Gray drank a glass of wine
to the health of Tobias, after which Missus Wragg saw her home
again to Milford Lane, and no doubt all the road from the
Colonel's house to there did notwant for a prolific subject of

(15:42):
conversation. How happy Minna felt when she
put up to heaven her simple prayer that night previous to
seeking repose. That's the end of today's
chapter of Sweeney Todd, and it's great to see Tobias coming
to his senses, although the advent of MENA Grey has all the

(16:02):
hallmarks of a last minute solution trotted out for the
convenience of the plot. But then, this is a serial, so
the author didn't have the luxury of going back to Chapter
8 and platforming MENA there, orhaving him tell the poor doomed
girl who helped him escape from the insane asylum back in
chapter 30. About her.
You know, so that she wouldn't seem to have come out of

(16:22):
nowhere. Just another one of those things
that we have to forgive our hardpressed million word a year
author for. But now it's time to learn about
our bit of flash. Can't on the Mace Maija Bounce
lived on the mice for a good long time, but Missus Lovett
clenched. That.
On the Mace means making a living by swindling people.
It appears as Mace Cove or Mace gloak or Mace Man or just maser

(16:46):
meaning a swindler and clenched means finished off or put an end
to something probably developed into clinch that we use today as
in clinch the Pennant. I have to wonder if Mace started
meaning swindle or cheat. Because it's an old term for a
type of billiard cue that was inregular use in England until the
mid 1700s. Basically a billiard Mace was

(17:08):
like a croquet mallet that you used on the table.
And the modern design of cue sticks are way easier and more
fun to play with, so that mace'swent out of fashion.
But of course, billiards has always been a popular game for
hustlers. Maybe a Mace man is somebody
who's good with a Mace and on the cross.
Now let's turn our attention to London's favorite highway man,

(17:31):
Dick Turpin in Black Bass or TheNight of the Road by Edward
Viles. The flash can't word for black
bass is angelic for little orphan girl Dick Turpin, rescued
with some angelic to be sure. You may be able to figure that
one out if you don't know it already.
It does make sense as a slang term, but let's have our story
and we'll find out at the end ofit.

(17:53):
So here we go, last week in Chapter 10 of Black Bass or the
Night of the Road by Edward Viles, starring highwayman Dick
Turpin. Of course, Dick and his pretty
rescue had made it out of the neighborhood as Dick racked his
brain for a place he could bringher.
And then he thought of his portly old pal Tom Davis,
landlord of the Hand in Keys near Hornsey Wood.

(18:14):
So let's find out what happens when they arrive there.
Chapter 11. The extraordinary sequel to the
Murder at the Roadside Inn. I say Davis, said Turpin as he
looked down at his attire, whichwas most certainly none the

(18:37):
better for the many incidents hehad gone through.
I say, Davis, my boy, it is quite impossible for me to go
into company in this plight. A suspicion would be immediately
excited. What shall I do?
Why, change your dress, to be sure.
Here, come up the stairs along with me and I can show you a
well stocked wardrobe from whichyou can select at pleasure.

(18:58):
That's a ticket I shan't be long, for.
I am anxious to join the fun that's going on.
And Turpin was as good as his word, for in a few moments he
came down again, presenting a very different appearance indeed
to what he did before. There were.
Two large rooms on the ground floor of the Hand and Keys.
Both of these were filled with company.

(19:19):
In one young folks for the most part assembled, who amused
themselves with a dance, while in the other a good number of
guests were seated around the enormous fire which reached half
up the chimney, telling jokes and tales and remarkable
adventures. It was into this latter room
that Turpin went. He was hardly in a humor for
dancing. His appearance attracted

(19:41):
immediate attention, for his manners and carriage and attire
were those of a most refined gentleman.
He bowed low to the assembled company as he entered, and old
Davis, the landlord, as soon as he saw him, sprang from his seat
with a degree of alacrity very unusual for him to exhibit, and
seizing his hand, said friends and neighbors all.
I have the pleasure to introduceto you a very old and particular

(20:04):
friend of mine, Richard's, said Turpin, seeing the landlord.
Was rather at a loss. What named to call him.
I am very happy to see you all, gentlemen, and hope we shall
very soon be better acquainted. He took a seat in the chimney
corner, which was offered him bythe landlord as he spoke.
Fill up another bumper, cried Davis.
Don't spare, but drink to the. Prosperity of the.

(20:26):
Hand and Keys, which is 100 years old tonight, all rose and
the toast was, for about the 20th time, drunk with loud
applause. I say Davis cried, a tall thin
man as he resumed his chair in front of the fire.
I have only just this moment remembered that tonight is also
the anniversary of another eventconnected to the old Inn.

(20:47):
It is the 8th I think. God bless me, so it is, said
Davis with a slight shudder. I did not think of it before,
but just eight years ago tonight, the most horrible
murder was committed upstairs. In this House.
Yes, and #3 on the first floor. I never heard anything about it

(21:07):
before. Landlord said Tarpon as he poked
the fire and made the bright flames shoot up 4 feet at least.
How did it happen? It was a very sad affair,
neighbor Groves, wasn't it? It where it were, indeed.
Let us hear it, Davis. Let us hear it.
Cried several voices, animated by that love of the horrible,

(21:27):
which seems almost a natural instinct.
Let's hear it. They drew nearer the fire as
they spoke. Well, gentlemen, said Davis,
settling himself in his chair and pulling 3 or 4 tremendous
whiffs from his pipe. I shall be most happy to oblige
you, of course, though I can't help thinking it is rather out
of place tonight when we meant to be jolly.

(21:49):
No, no. Cried a number of voices.
Go on. All right, I dare say most of
you here know something of the occurrence.
Very little. Then perhaps, said Davis
inquiringly. It will be best for me to begin
at the beginning and tell the tale all through.
Of course, of course. Now don't keep us in suspense

(22:09):
any longer. I won't.
You must know then that it's just eight years ago.
Tonight has one or two. We're sitting around the fire
here, as we might be now, telling tales and talking about
the old house which had defied the wind and weather for so
long. It was almost as late as it is
now when we were everyone startled.

(22:30):
Yes, yes, make haste. They cried impatiently.
Now, gentlemen, if you interruptor bother me, I shan't be able
to get on it all, and it won't take very long.
As I was saying, it was almost as late as it is now when we
were all startled by hearing a tremendous knock on the door.
I didn't know how it was, but just thing we all happened to

(22:53):
have left off speaking when thisvery loud succession of knocks
were given at the front door. There was something very
peculiar about them and I never could make out what they were
done with. I've never heard any knocks like
them either before or since. And bless my heart alive.
What's that? A rapid succession of blows upon

(23:15):
the. Door of A.
Very peculiar nature indeed reverberated through the old
building and caused the landlordto utter his involuntary
exclamation. It's someone knocking.
Said the thin man in front of the fire.
And knocking too, just like. A repetition of the summons at
the door drowned the rest of hisspeech.
Turpin rose to his feet. You don't really mean to say you

(23:35):
are all alarmed at such a simplecircumstance.
Run someone and open the door. Nobody stirred.
Then for the third time, came the terrific knocking at the
door. Now the prominent idea in Dick's
mind was that this noisy summonswas given by somebody of police,
who, likely enough, had tracked him to his present shelter.
So of course he naturally hesitated to open the door

(23:58):
himself. Then he remembered the change he
had made in his dress, and thought the likeliest means of
averting suspicion from himself was to go in person to the door
and see who was there. No sooner had he made this
resolve than he opened the door of the kitchen and passed out
into the passage beyond. Before, however, he could reach
the front door it was flung open, and a tall man, wearing a

(24:20):
rocalor cloak strode in. The occupants of both rooms in
the inn had rushed as a body to the doors and stood still,
gazing at the stranger. Well, what now?
Said the newcomer with a strangemixture of assurance and nervous
agitation. What kind of place do you call
this? Are you all mad or did you would
never have a visitor before? I am very sorry, Sir, said.

(24:42):
Tom Davis forcing his way into the passage and making a low bow
to the Traveler. I am very sorry we kept you
waiting, but you happened to arrive at a very curious time.
I don't see that. It's not as though you were all
a bed. However, it ain't worth making a
bother about. Thank you, Sir, thank you.
I'll be kind enough to step intothe kitchen and we will make you

(25:03):
as comfortable as we can. You see, the Old Inn has been
built just 100 years today and we are celebrating the event.
Oh, indeed, landlord, said the stranger, seating himself in the
chair which had been placed for him, and looking around at the
time blackened walls with an uninterested air.
I suppose you were all too much occupied to hear me, and yet I

(25:24):
thought I knocked loud enough too.
It wasn't that, said Davis. We heard you plain enough, but
as I said before, you happen to arrive at a very curious time.
How? What time?
Why, just before you arrived, neighbor Groves happened to
remember that it was exactly 8 years ago tonight that a
shocking murderer was committed in the number 3 bedroom

(25:46):
upstairs. The.
Stranger gave a sudden start andpaled slightly.
What? Place is this then.
Why the old hand and keys to be sure.
The hand and keys repeated the stranger in a trembling voice.
It is very cold, he added. Drawing his cloak still closer
around him and almost burying his face in its folds.

(26:08):
I ain't quite shiver with it. You don't say so, Sir.
I hear. James.
James. There you are.
What do you want? Said a surly voice, and the
Ossler, whom the knocking and the recent arrival had aroused
from his slumber, got slowly offhis seat.
Some more wood on the fire, James.
Quick, now the gentleman is cold.

(26:29):
Oh, never mind. And never mind.
Don't trouble, don't trouble, said the traveler, who had a
strange way of repeating his words.
I shall do, I shall do. Nevertheless, James took his
departure and quickly returned with three or four chumps, which
he threw on the fire. By this time the guests, who had
been scared by the knocking following so close on Farmer

(26:49):
Grove's narrative, had sat down in their respective places, one
and all bestowing the whole of their attention on the man who
had just arrived. A rather embarrassing silence
followed, which the landlord broke by saying.
Have you traveled far, Sir? Yes, yes, a long way, a long
way, replied the stranger. I suppose I can have a bed here.

(27:09):
Oh yes. Then get it ready at once.
Should you like a fire lighted, Sir, by.
All means. Very good, Sir.
And, and while you were doing that, just bring me a glass of
Brandy, a Tumblr, you understand, and let it be
strong. Strong old Davis executed his
duties, and when the large quantity of raw spirit was

(27:31):
placed before the stranger, he drank half of it off at 1 gulp.
Then again followed a pause which every moment seemed to
grow more and more intolerable. It was remarkable that those who
had been talking so freely just before shouldn't now be at a
loss what to say. There was something about this
stranger which attracted the whole of their attention.

(27:51):
Turpin had taken care to seat himself in the shadow on one
side of the grate until he leaned back against the wall,
almost shrouded from observation.
A continuity of perilous adventures made him.
Suspicious of the slightest. Circumstance that had anything
unusual in it. The dead silence continued.
Tom Davis looked from one to another and coughed vigorously.

(28:15):
It was no use. He could not break the stillness
which had fallen on the company like a spell.
Then he seized the poker and stirred the fire recklessly.
If the truth must be told, he felt quite as disconcerted.
As the others did. At last, in sheer desperation,
he said. No, Farmer Groves, why don't you
go on with your story? Farmer Groves looked askance at

(28:36):
the stranger as he said. If the gentleman has no
objection, Oh no, no, not in theleast, not in the least.
Go on, go on. The words were.
Jerked out rather than uttered, and appeared to have a
discomposing effect upon Farmer Groves, from which he only
recovered by swallowing a huge draft of ale.
Then the best way will be to begin a game, for I almost

(28:57):
forgot where I left off. Very well, very well, they all
cried, glad of an opportunity ofopening their mouths.
We are all listening. Eight years ago this very night,
I and a few others were sitting with Tom Davis, the landlord
here, as I might be with you now, chatting and laughing in
the like, when all at once that came a most terrific knocking at
the front door. You understand, Sir?

(29:19):
Interrupted Tom Davis, addressing the stranger.
That friend Groves had just gotten this far into the tale
when the words were about the knocking were scarcely out of
his mouth before we all heard someone begin hammering away.
So we were, all of us, rather scared.
Like the Stranger made no reply but looked steadily at the fire.
Tom Davis turned away with an offended air while Groves

(29:41):
continued his narrative. As it was nearly 1:00 in the
morning and the most unusual time for anyone to come seeing
on any other night, the inn was closed at 10 to a moment.
As it was so late, I say we wondered who it could be, and we
hesitated before we went to the door.
Just as we did. Tonight when we unbired it, to
our surprise, who should we see on the threshold but Reuben

(30:05):
Sims, the steward to Sir HerbertBurroughs of the old Manor
house. He was a very disagreeable man
and very hard to deal with, as many of Sir Herbert's tenants
found. It was a sad pity things were
left so much under his control. However, he's dead and gone now,
though when he lived I question whether anyone could have been
found who would have said I likehim.

(30:27):
Didn't expect to see me here tonight, did you?
He said in his sharp voice. Shouldn't have come.
Only Sir Herbert kept me so long, and I did not like to go
so far by myself at night for fear I should be set on and
robbed. I suppose you can let me have a
bed. Oh yes, of course you will walk
in and join us. No, let me have a light, he
said. I want to go to bed and not sit

(30:47):
up sodding with you. This was quite an uncalled for
remark for him to make in reply to our civility.
At least we thought so, but nonesaid a word, because the old man
was of a revengeful disposition,and because we all knew that he
had the power to spite any of us.
So he took a light and went upstairs, down which he never
came alive again. And if you will give me a

(31:09):
candle? Landlord exclaimed the stranger,
rising to his feet and apparently much agitated.
If you will give me a light I will go upstairs, for I hate
blood and murder stories, and I can guess what's coming.
Certainly, Sir. Certainly, Sir, You can have a
light in a moment. If we had known you had any
objection, why, of course we should have deferred the tale

(31:29):
telling to another time. Oh, never mind, never mind.
Are you ready? Quite be good enough to step
this way. Tom Davis showed the traveler
into his room and rejoined the company in the kitchen.
All this time Turpin sat in perfect silence, judging it was
more prudent to do so. No, Groves said the.

(31:49):
Landlord, let's have the rest ofthe tail.
There is not much of it to tell now, except that we all went
home about Daybreak and the nextmorning about 12:00, thinking
it's strange. Sims the Stewart did not come
down. His bedroom was broken open and
there he was, found weltering inhis blood in the apartment in
the greatest disorder. And was his murderer never
discovered? Asked several never.

(32:11):
Numberless people were had up onsuspicion, but it could not be
brought home to any of them, andfrom that day to this it has
remained an inexplicable mystery.
Sir Herbert offered a very largereward for the apprehension of
the murderer or murderess. It was £500 I think, but no one
was ever found out. How?
Strange said. One yes, in most cases the

(32:32):
murderer leaves some traces behind him, but in this they had
been too cautious. And did anyone know the motive
for the murder? Not exactly.
Old Sims had many enemies, but on that particular night he had
received a large sum of money from Sir Herbert for some
purpose which we never learned, but it was all stolen from him.
It's my belief that it was theft, not malice, that was the

(32:55):
motive, said Davis. And mine, said Groves.
Sir Herbert had him buried, for the old man had no kindred.
It was rumored, however, that hehad a son who had been guilty of
some crime, and who was always anear do well sort of chap who
had gone abroad. But that was many years ago, and
no one knew for certain. Has the sun never turned off?

(33:15):
Never. But the remainder of the
farmer's sentence was drowned out in the explosion of a pistol
which seemingly had been discharged just over their
heads. It was all succeeded by 1
terrific piercing shriek, after which all was deadly still.
God bless my life, said Davis, turning very pale and staggering

(33:37):
to his feet. Surely another murder has not
been committed. Turpin also rose much agitated,
for he had recognized the voice of the young girl whom he had
befriended. The remainder sat as if rooted
to their seats. Follow me, all, said Dick,
hastening to the door, and then,without waiting to see if he was
obeyed, sprang lightly and rapidly up the staircase.

(33:59):
No sound of any description reached his ear as he paused for
a moment on the landing, and listened.
He was joined immediately by thelandlord, and about half a dozen
of the most courageous of the company.
Quick, quick, Davis cried. Turpin, show me the room in
which the young girl was placed.The landlord pointed with his
finger to a door nearly opposite, and without ceremony

(34:19):
or hesitation Dick flung it open, though his heartbeat as he
did so, at a painful rate. A night light was burning in the
room, and by its aid Dick saw a huddled up mass of white upon
the floor. Instinctively he knew what it
was, and while the other stood in a dense throng upon the
threshold, he stepped forward and raised the form of the poor
apprentice in his arms and placed her on the bed.

(34:41):
She was either insensible or dead.
A glass of water stood upon the table, close at hand, and he
lost not an instant in sprinkling some of its contents
upon her face. Her eyes opened, and she looked
around her with alarm and dread.What is it, Ellen?
What has happened? Asked Dick tenderly.
A smile played upon her lips as she heard the words, and then

(35:02):
her eyes slowly closed again. Ellen.
Ellen, cried Turpin, What has happened?
Why did you scream? I cannot tell, she replied, now
perfectly aroused. Yet stay.
I remember now. I awoke with the sound of a
pistol shot in my ears. I thought as much, said Dick.
I must leave you now. There is no danger and nothing
to apprehend. Repose in peace.

(35:23):
The Traveler's Room. Cried Dick, hurrying out again
into the passage. Let us go there at once.
Davis led the way, and then theyall paused in a body in front of
a door opening on the opposite side of the passage.
Their numbers had greatly increased while Dick was
speaking to the young girl, and several of those who had come
last carried lights in their hands.

(35:43):
All noticed that a figure of eight was painted on the door.
Why? Said one in rather a shaky
voice. That is the very room old Sims
was murdered in, isn't it? Yes.
A disposition to draw back manifested itself instantly.
Dick placed his hand upon the lock.
The door was fast. Have you a key?

(36:04):
He asked. No, the door fastens on the
inside with a bolt. I think we are justified in
bursting the door open. Certainly, Certainly, I think,
suggested Groves. It would only be right to knock
first. So it would.
Some heavy blows were struck upon the panel.

(36:24):
There was no response. We are wasting time when every
moment may be of the utmost value, said Dick.
Right, replied the landlord. Force the door.
A simultaneous rush was made andthe door flew open in a moment.
Lights, lights. Those who had hastily snatched
up candles made their way into the room.
The rest, who were somewhat timid, remained outside.

(36:47):
It took a moment for the candlesto dispel the darkness in the
room, and then they saw, partly lying across the bed, the man
who had so late an hour had sought shelter.
Blood was gushing from his breast at a fearful rate, and it
fell with a sickening sound uponthe floor, where it collected
into a large pool. Good.
Heavens, exclaimed the landlord,while those who were with him

(37:11):
yet stood aghast with surprise. Good heavens, what a frightful
sight, the idea of it occurring at my house at all, let alone
upon this particular night. Does he still live?
Asked One. I should scarcely think so, said
Turpin, taking a candle from a man who was standing near him
and approaching the bed as he spoke.
I should scarcely think so. He appears to have shot himself

(37:33):
through the heart. A faint sound, half moan, half
sigh, came from the traveler's lips, and gave the lie to
Turpin's supposition. By heaven, they cried.
He's not dead yet. Raise him up a little, as Turpin
had all through taken the initiative in the matter.
He put the light down beside him, and passing his arm under
the body of the stranger, slowlyraised him to a sitting posture.

(37:55):
The flow of blood was checked a little by this process, but a
look of intense and unutterable suffering overspread his
features. Then he opened his eyes and
glared round him as he muttered in 1/2 audible voice.
Horror her. Why did they put me in this
chamber above all others? Justice, Justice.
The old man has avenged at last.Off off your blood.

(38:19):
Blood. Nothing but blood.
Father. Father.
I did not know you. How should I?
How should I have done so? Do not look at me so awfully.
Keep away. Keep away.
I was impelled by want to do thedeed.
Father, Father, pity me. Forgive me.
Your form has haunted me, sleeping and waking ever since

(38:41):
that frightful night eight yearsago, when in this room I found
on whom I had. Used my knife, what guided me
here, what horrid fascination dragged me to this spot.
Fate for IA gasping kind of SOB issued from the stranger's lips,
and suddenly doubling together his body, face downwards,

(39:03):
reached the floor before Turpin could save him.
Horror, intense horror, was depicted upon the faces of the
guests as they looked at each other, deprived by the fearful
nature of the revelation of the stranger of the faculty of
speech. It was Turpin who broke the
silence. Friends all, he said in grave
tones. This is itself a terrible

(39:23):
spectacle, and enough to overcome the most callous.
Heart, let us leave this. Room, for we can do no good by
staying in it, or we shall neverbe able to drive the appearance
of this night from our brains. Yes, added Tom Davis, with
blanched cheek and lip, but yet in an authoritative voice.
Let us go away at once, for I feel sick to death.

(39:44):
And I and I. Responded many voices in hushed
accents as they left the scene of blood and resumed their
places in the lower apartment. The landlord went himself to the
bar and drew each of the companya small glass of neat Brandy,
which was gratefully accepted byall.
There seemed to be a general disinclination to commence a

(40:04):
conversation, and each seemed busy with his own thoughts.
I say neighbors, said Grove, at last, shifting about in his
chair. It appears to me that we ought
to send off to Sir William at once, and let him know what has
taken place. True, said Davis, who seemed
unnerved by what had happened. I am in such a state that I'm
only half conscious of what is going on.

(40:27):
It is truly awful. It would be if it had been a
simple murder, but how horrible to think the murderer of Ralph
the Stewart should be thus discovered.
And that it should turn out to be his own son.
For such, I take it, was what the man meant.
Frightful in the extreme. I remember when he was a boy,
when it was prophesied by all that he would come to a bad end.

(40:49):
And so he has. I can imagine his terror and
dismay when he found himself in the chamber in which he had
murdered his own father. Yes, how the thought would drive
him to suicide and madness. I indeed it would be most
strange if it did not. What must he not have suffered
during the past eight years? From what he has said, though, I

(41:12):
gather he had no idea when he committed the murder, doubtless
for the sake of the money he hadabout him, that it was his own
father. Certainly not, or at any rate
let us hope so, But persisted Groves had not one or two of us.
Better start at once for the hall.
It is close upon Daybreak, and surely Sir Herbert will pardon
us for arousing him. It's so unreasonable an hour

(41:34):
when he learns our errand. By all means.
Exclaimed several arising. Do you go and we will accompany
you. Agreed, said Groves, and in a
few minutes afterward a little party of about a dozen persons
was on its way to the hall. Turpin remained behind.
He had many urgent reasons for doing so, but he went to the
front door of the inn, along with Davis, to see them off, and

(41:56):
there they stood watching them until they were out of sight.
Tom, said Turpin in a whisper, as they both lingered on the
steps. Of course, you know very well I
don't wish to be mixed up in this proceeding at the inquest
which will have to be held because of the danger which
could result from calling me so publicly forward.
But still it would be equally. Dangerous for me to set out for
London at sunrise. The officers just now are more

(42:18):
than usually on the alert after me.
Just what do you propose to do? Just this, my evidence, as there
are so many witnesses who can depose to the same facts as I
can, will be of little or no service, and I need not be
mentioned in the matter at all. Find me some snug little place
where I can remain until nightfall and then I must be off
to London. As you like, Dick, my boy, I see

(42:41):
no obstacles whatever. I will find you a comfortable
birth, and as you say, there is no need, although you did take
rather a prominent part of the affair, for you run the risk of
giving evidence. There can be only one verdict
returned. Now it's time to say goodbye to
Mr. Turpin for the week. And I guess in this chapter we

(43:04):
basically see the hand of fate accompanied by some hints at
supernatural vengeance and the demise of the old steward's son.
But I have to wonder at this. Doesn't our brave, virtuous hero
live in that same glass house? I mean, I could see him throwing
down on a prosperous merchant onthe High Road with a glad cry of
stand and deliver knave, only tomeet vigorous resistance.

(43:27):
Maybe a barking iron is deployedupon him.
He returns fire, rushes to the side of the dying man and
recognizes his father. So this scene leaves me slightly
wondering if this is platformingsomething like that for later in
the story. Although as we saw with the
earlier one, platforming isn't really a thing that these guys
had a lot of leisure time to do.You know, cranking out serial

(43:49):
stories week after week. Speaking of not platforming and
other similar penny dreadful flaws, did you notice that
landlord Tom Davis started the murder story and then after the
stranger arrived, suddenly it's Farmer Groves telling it?
You may also have noticed that the number of the murder room
changes from 3:00 to 8:00 in thecourse of the chapter.
I guess Mr. Viles was on deadline with this one.

(44:12):
Now, these are flaws, to be sure, but I always love catching
stuff like this because it reinforces the fact that these
dreadfuls are basically rough drafts, or maybe second drafts.
There wasn't much time for polishing every word.
There's something raw and real about them, which is why I like
them. Maybe it's the pop historian and
or amateur psychologist in me. The haste and human error makes

(44:33):
them feel real in a way that a more polished and professionally
edited work would not. So let's move on to our next
noggin of St. Giles Greek.
What's an angelic? That little orphan govett Dick
Turpin rescued with some angelic, to be sure.
You probably dope this one out. From context, it's a young,
pretty maiden. Unmarried, of course.

(44:53):
The term implies innocence, or at least the appearance of
innocence, although that isn't always the case.
The unmarried part, though, is always the case with angelic.
Now it's time for a chapter of Varney the Vampire or the Feast
of Blood by James Malcolm Reimer.
And of course, another flash. Can't word or phrase and it's
mist Topper. Let's have Flora keep a good

(45:15):
balking eye on about a mist Topper.
Take a guess at the end of the reading.
We'll find out if you were rightnow.
Last week in chapter 10 of Varney the Vampire, the tomb
raiding party had just arrived back at the house when the sound
of Flora's pistols smote upon their ears.
They rushed to the house to finda scene of much confusion.

(45:35):
And we meet a new character joining our dramatis personae.
Flora's intended Charles Hollandhad just arrived, but she is
torn for love of Charles. She feels she cannot allow him
to share her destiny now that she has fallen victim to a
vampire. For do not those who are bitten
by a vampire become one? Yeah, they're going to talk some

(45:57):
more about that very soon. Chapter 11.
The communication to the lover. The heart's despair,
consternation is sympathetic. And anyone who had looked upon

(46:18):
the features of Charles Holland,now that he was seated with
Henry Bannerworth, in expectation of a communication
which his fears told him was to blast all the dearest and most
fondly cherished hopes forever, would scarcely have recognized
in him the same young man who, 1short hour before, had knocked
so loudly and so full of joyful hope and expectation at the door

(46:41):
of the hall. But so it was, He knew Henry
Bannerworth too well to suppose that any unreal cause could
blanche his cheek. He knew Flora too well to
imagine for one moment that Caprice had dictated thee to
him. Fearful words of dismissal she
had uttered to him. Happier would it at that time

(47:03):
have been to Charles Holland. Had she acted capriciously
toward him, and convinced him that his true heart's devotion
had been cast at the feet of 1 unworthy of so really noble a
gift. Pride would then have enabled
him, no doubt, to successfully resist the blow.
A feeling of honest and proper indignation at having his
feelings trifled with would no doubt have sustained him.

(47:27):
But, alas, the case seemed to bewidely different.
True, she implored him to think of her no more, no longer to
cherish in his breast the fond dream of affection which had
been its guest so long. But the manner in which she did
so brought along with it an irresistible conviction that she
was making a noble sacrifice of her own feelings for him from

(47:50):
some cause which was involved inthe profoundest mystery.
But now he was to hear all Henryhad promised to tell him, and as
he looked into his pale but handsomely intellectual face, he
half dreaded the disclosure he yet panted to hear.
Tell me all, Henry, Tell me all,he said.
Upon the words that come from your lips.

(48:11):
I know I can rely. I will have no reservations with
you. Said Henry sadly.
You ought to know all, and you shall prepare yourself for the
strangest revelation you ever heard.
Indeed, I-1, which in hearing you may well doubt, and one
which I hope you will never findthe opportunity of verifying.

(48:32):
You speak in riddles, and yet I speak truly.
Charles, you heard with what a frantic vehemence Flora desired
you to think no more of her. I did, I did.
She was right. She is a noble hearted girl.
For uttering those words, a dreadful incident in our family
has occurred which might well induce you to pause before
uniting your fate with that of any member of it.

(48:55):
Impossible. Nothing can possibly subdue the
feelings of affection I entertain for Flora.
She is worthy of anyone, and as such, amid all changes, all
mutations of fortune, she shall be mine.
Do not suppose that any change of fortune has produced the
scene you are witness to, Then What else?
I will tell you, Holland, in allyour travels and in all your

(49:17):
reading, did you ever come across anything about vampires?
About what? Cried Charles, drawing his chair
forward a little. About what?
You may well doubt the evidence of your own ears, Charles
Holland, and wish me to repeat that which I said.
I say, do you know anything about vampires?
Charles Holland looked curiouslyin Henry's face, and the latter

(49:39):
immediately added, I can guess what is passing in your mind at
present, and I do not wonder at it.
You think I must be mad? Well, really, Henry, your
extraordinary question. I knew it, I knew it.
Where are you? I should hesitate to believe the
tale, but the fact is, we have every reason to believe that one
member of our own family is one of those horrible preternatural

(50:01):
beings called vampires. Good God, Henry, can you allow
your judgement for a moment to stoop to such a superstition?
That's what I have asked myself 100 times.
But Charles Holland, the judgement, the feelings, and all
the prejudices, natural and acquired, must succumb to actual
ocular demonstration. Listen to me and do not

(50:22):
interrupt me. You shall know all, and you
shall know it circumstantially. Henry then related to the
astonished Charles Holland all that had occurred from the first
alarm of Flora up to the period when he, Holland, caught her in
his arms. As she was about to leave the
room. And now?
He said in conclusion. I cannot tell what opinion you

(50:43):
may come to as regards these most singular events.
You will recollect that here is the unbiased evidence of four or
five people to the facts, and beyond that the servants who
have seen something of the horrible visitor.
You bewilder me utterly, said Charles Holland, as we are all
bewildered. But a gracious heaven, it cannot

(51:04):
be. It is.
No, no, there is, there must yetbe, some dreadful mistake.
Can you start any supposition bywhich we can otherwise explain
any of the phenomena I have described to you?
If you can, for heaven's sake, do so, and you will find no one
who will cling to it with more tenacity than I.

(51:25):
Any other species or kind of wild supernatural appearance
might admit of argument. But this, to my perception, is
too wildly improbable, too much at variance with all we see and
know of the operations of nature.
It is so all that we have told ourselves repeatedly, and yet it
is all human reason at once struck down by the brief words

(51:46):
of we have seen it. I would doubt my eyesight.
One might, but many cannot be labouring under the same
delusion. My friend, I pray you do not
make me shudder at the supposition that such a dreadful
thing as this is possible. I am, believe me, Charles, most
unwilling to oppress anyone withthe knowledge of these evils.

(52:08):
But you will clearly understand that you may, with perfect
honour now consider yourself free from all engagements you
have entered into with Flora. But no, no, by heaven, no.
Yes, Charles, reflect upon the consequences now of a union with
such a family. Oh, Henry Bannerworth, can you
suppose me so dead to all good feeling, so utterly lost to

(52:30):
honourable impulses, as to ejectfrom my heart her who has
possession of it entirely on such ground as this?
You would be justified. Coldly justified in prudence I
might be. There are 1000 circumstances in
which a man may be justified in a particular course of action,
and that course yet may be neither honourable nor just.

(52:52):
I love Flora, and was she tormented by the whole of the
supernatural world, I should still love her.
May it becomes then a higher andnobler duty on my part to stand
between her and those evils, if possible.
Charles said. Henry, I cannot, of course,
refuse you my Mead of praise andadmiration for your generosity
of feeling. But remember, if we are

(53:14):
compelled, despite all our feelings and all our
predilections to the contrary, to give in to a belief in the
existence of vampires, why may we not at once perceive as the
truth all that is recorded of them?
To what do you allude to this? The one who has been visited by
a vampire, and whose blood has formed a horrible repast for

(53:35):
such a being, becomes after death one of the dreadful race,
and visits others in the same way.
Now this must be insanity, criedCharles.
It bears the aspect of it indeed, said Henry.
Oh, that you could by some meanssatisfy yourself that I am mad.
There may be insanity in this family, thought Charles, with

(53:57):
such an exquisite pang of miserythat he groaned aloud.
Already, added Henry mournfully.Already the blighting influence
of the dreadful tale is upon you, Charles.
Oh, let me add my advice to Flora's entreaties.
She loves you, and we all esteemyou.
Fly then from us, and leave us to encounter our miseries alone.

(54:17):
Fly from us, Charles Holland, and take with you our best
wishes for happiness which you cannot know here.
Never cried Charles. I devote my existence to Flora.
I will not play the coward and fly from one whom I love.
On such grounds I devote my lifeto her.
Henry could not speak for emotion for several minutes, and

(54:39):
when at length, in a faltering voice he could utter some words,
he said, God of Heaven, what happiness is marred by these
horrible events? What have we all done to be the
victims of such a dreadful act of vengeance?
Henry do not talk in that way. Cried Charles.
Rather let us bend all our energies to overcoming the evil

(55:00):
than spend any time in useless lamentations.
I cannot even yet give in to a belief in the existence of such
a being. As you say, visited Flora.
But the evidences. Look you here, Henry, until I am
convinced that some things have happened which it is totally
impossible could happen by any means, any human means whatever,
I will not ascribe them to supernatural influence.

(55:23):
But what human means, Charles, could produce What I have now
narrated to you I do not know just at present, but I will give
the subject the most attentive consideration.
Will you accommodate me here fora time?
You know you are welcome here asif the house were your own and
all that it contains. I believe so.
Most truly. You have no objection, I

(55:44):
presume, to my conversing with Flora upon this strange subject?
Certainly not. Of course you will be careful to
say nothing which can add to herfears.
I shall be most guarded, believeme.
You say that your brother George, Mr. Chillingworth,
yourself, and this Mr. Marchdale, all have been
cognizant of the circumstances. Then with the whole of them, you

(56:05):
permit me to hold free communication upon the subject?
Most certainly I will do so then.
Keep up a good heart, Henry, in this affair, which looks so full
of terror at first sight, may yet be divested of some of its
hedges aspect. I am rejoiced if anything can
rejoice me now, said Henry, to see you view the subject with so

(56:25):
much philosophy. Why, said Charles, you made a
remark of your own, which enabled me, in viewing the
matter in its very worst and most hideous aspect, to gather
hope. What was that?
You said, properly and naturallyenough, that if ever we felt
there was such a weight of evidence in favour of a belief
in the existence of vampires that we are compelled to succumb

(56:46):
to it. We might as well believe all the
popular feelings and superstitions concerning them
likewise I did. Where is the mind to pause when
once we open it to the receptionof such things?
Well then, if that is the case, we will watch this vampire and
catch it. Catch it?
Yes, surely it can be caught. As I understand, this species of

(57:08):
being is not like an apparition that may be composed of thin air
and utterly impalpable to the human touch, but it consists of
a revivified corpse. Yes, yes, yes.
Then it is tangible and destructible by heaven.
If ever I catch a glimpse of anysuch thing, it shall drag me to
its home, be that where it may, or I will make it prisoner.

(57:30):
Oh, Charles, you know not the feeling of horror that will come
across you when you do. You have no idea of how the warm
blood will seem to curdle in your veins, and now you will be
paralyzed in every limb. Did you feel so?
I did. I will endeavour to make head
against such feelings. The love of flora shall enable
me to Vanquish them. Think you it will come again

(57:51):
tomorrow. I can have no thought one way or
the other. It may.
We must arrange among us all, Henry, some plan of watching,
which, without completely prostrating our health and
strength, will always provide that someone shall be up all
night and on the alert. It must be done.
Flora ought to sleep with the consciousness, now that she is

(58:12):
ever at hand, some intrepid and well armed protector, who is not
only himself prepared to defend her, but who can in a moment
give an alarm to us all in the case of necessity requiring it.
It would be a dreadful capture to make to seize a vampire, said
Henry. Not at all.
It would be a very desirable one.
Being a corpse revivified, it iscapable of complete destruction,

(58:35):
so as to render it no longer a scourge to anyone.
Charles, Charles, are you jesting with me, or do you
really give any credence to the story?
My dear friend, I always make ita rule to take things at their
worst, and then I cannot be disappointed.
I am content to reason upon thismatter as if the fact of the
existence of a vampire were thoroughly established, and then

(58:56):
think upon what is best to be done about it.
You are right, if it should turnout that there is an error in
the fact, well and good, and we are all the better off.
But if otherwise we are preparedand armed at all points, let it
be so. Then it strikes me, Charles,
that you will be the coolest andthe calmest among us all on the
emergency. But the hour now waxes late.

(59:17):
I will get them to prepare a chamber for you, and at least
tonight, after what has occurredalready, I should think we can
be under no apprehension. Probably not.
But, Henry, if you would allow me to sleep in that room where
the portrait hangs of him who you supposed to be?
The vampire, I should prefer it.Prefer it, yes.
I am not one who courts danger for danger's sake, but I would

(59:39):
rather occupy that room to see if the vampire, who perhaps has
a partiality for it, will pay mea visit.
As you please, Charles, you havethe apartment.
It is in the same state as when occupied by Flora.
Nothing has been, I believe, removed from it.
You will let me, then, while I remain here.
Call it my room. Assuredly, this arrangement was

(01:00:01):
accordingly made to the surpriseof all the household.
Not one of whom would indeed have slept, or attempted to
sleep there for any amount of reward.
But Charles Holland had his own reasons for preferring that
chamber, and he was conducted toit in the course of half an hour
by Henry, who looked around it with a shudder as he bade his
young friend goodnight. That's it for today's dose of

(01:00:28):
Varney the Vampire. And I get the impression that
Varney got more of Reimer's attention than Sweeney Todd did,
maybe because it was an earlier story.
All of the characters in the Manor house talk like they just
ate a dictionary. I think the intention was to
show them the stiff stuffed shirts, a little unequal to
coping with any sharp action, standing around Flora's door,

(01:00:50):
making lengthy declamations about the desirability of
procuring some appropriate implement with which to effect
an entrance, dear Henry, rather than just getting busy battering
it down, that sort of thing. So I don't quite know how to
read Marchdale's statement that.Henry, are you aware there was a
stranger in the room? I mean, maybe this is the kind

(01:01:12):
of thing a Gentry Cove would sayin 1800 or so, but I think
probably not. And probably Varney's readers
would have recognized that as a really weird thing for a
houseguest to say to his host upon seeing a person he had not
yet met in the room. It implies A proprietary sense,
as if Mr. Marchdale's already measuring the drapes.

(01:01:34):
Is it his intention to work out some kind of liaison with
Henry's mother and take on the role of Potter familias?
But it doesn't work that way when we're talking about the
Dowager of the House in the English system, what with
entailments and such, as you'll surely know if you've read Pride
and Prejudice, which I mean, of course you have.
What am I saying? I'd bet heavy money that
everybody who listens to this podcast has.

(01:01:57):
But then again, maybe not because, I mean, I still haven't
read Sense and Sensibility yet. So yeah, OK, I'll get on that.
And As for you, if you haven't read Pride and Prejudice, please
do so forthwith. You are going to love it.
The point is, the inheritance has already passed to Henry.
Marchdale can't, of course, marry Henry, and I'm pretty sure
Flora's husband won't inherit the house.

(01:02:17):
Plus, everybody knows the place is so encumbered with debt that
it's not worth having. So what's Marchdale's angle?
Why is he acting so proprietary with the Bannerworth family and
the state, and why would he say a thing like that?
Whatever his motive, it lands just as badly as you would
expect. Charles Holland is then
introduced to him and hates him instantly.

(01:02:39):
I mean, really, can you blame him?
The provocation was rather extreme.
It's a rather bad introduction and it's going to get quite a
bit worse a couple chapters downthe line, which you will see
what I mean pretty soon. This is me platforming you for
chapter 1213. Something like that.
Anyway, there's a little blow up, kind of a mini blow up.

(01:03:00):
It doesn't end in a duel, but you will find it very
interesting. But we have to have something to
look forward to, don't we? Changing the subject before I
dish up a spoiler. What's a mist Topper?
What's a flora? Keep good balking eye ONS about
a mist Topper. It's a coat and petticoat.
All the things that a Miss needsas a Topper.

(01:03:21):
In other words, everything but the hat.
But Professor Flash, you pontificacious pedant, I hear
you cry. No respectable Miss would leave
the house in her underwear, Topper or no Topper.
Ah yes, but the definition of petticoat has changed a bit over
the years. In the early Victorian, A
petticoat referred to any skirt worn with an outer garment over

(01:03:43):
the top half, like a bodice or ajacket.
So like the top half was underwear and the bottom half
was outerwear. When it came to petticoats, they
didn't start being, strictly speaking, underwear, underwear
until quite a bit later. Well, not quite a bit later,
that's all. I'd probably better say about
that because there are historians who specialize in
this stuff and I'm liable to getsomething wrong because I'm not.

(01:04:04):
One of them. Well, that means it's time to
turn our attention to our next penny dreadful, Spring Heeled
Jack. The Terror of London by Alfred
Coats and the Flash can't we're going to learn about with Spring
Heeled Jack is bank the swag. After we bound the swag from
Malaga, we can bank it in the churchyard vault till morning.

(01:04:26):
Give it a guess. After the story, you'll find out
if you were right. Speaking of the story, last week
in chapter 10 of Spring Heal Jack the Terror O London, two of
the drunks from the bar next door to the pigeon House spotted
Ellen Folder's bundle of work hanging from the window and
slipped over and stole it. Then one of them worked out a

(01:04:47):
scheme to tuck it away in the churchyard vault until morning.
But when the thief entered the vault with the stolen goods, he
found Spring Heal Jack there. Let's see what kind of hilarity
ensued. Not to dish up spoilers, but it
doesn't turn out very hilariously.

(01:05:11):
Chapter 11, the attempted capture Jack's escape.
The fate of Joe Filcher was a fearful end to Espree, for by
such terms were the antics of Spring Heeled.
Jack called that Worthy had no idea in the darkness which
prevailed, that his practical joke had deprived A fellow

(01:05:32):
creature of existence. His idea was that, terror
stricken, he had fainted, and although Jack considered that
what suffering he had caused theguilty Wretch was a punishment
well merited, he was not so callous hearted as to refuse him
assistance. Therefore, on finding that
Filcher did not move from the spot where he had fallen, he

(01:05:53):
turned his cloak, erased the phosphorus marks from his face
and person, and stooping down, drew the body of the man into
the vault and closed the door. Then, taking a match from his
pocket, he obtained a light. The pallor of the wretched man's
feature struck a chill to his heart, and the hand that held
the light trembled perceptibly. He cannot, surely he cannot be

(01:06:15):
dead, he muttered in tones half aloud, but which in that place
sounded loud and unearthly and caused even Jack to cast an
anxious glance around him. No, no, he added after a pause,
the fellow is only fainted. The cool night hare will revive
him. He placed one hand on Philcher's
face, then started back in horror.

(01:06:35):
Great Heaven, he is dead, he exclaimed.
Dud was the hollow echo of the receptacle for departed
humanity. Jack was a brave man, but he
felt his blood curdle in his veins.
The light went out and left the vault in darkness.
Yes, I believe the poor Wretch is dead, he said.

(01:06:56):
And although he deserves his fate, I cannot help feeling more
like a murderer than an executioner.
I will procure another light andmake sure that he has only
fainted. Heaven grant, that is the worst.
He struck another match with a trembling hand.
It burned up and threw its glareonto the now upturned face of
Joe Filcher and the cloth covered coffin in the center of

(01:07:17):
the vault. Anxiously Jack stooped over the
rigid body. He placed his hand on his face.
It was cold, clammy, cold. He tore open the vest and shirt
and laid his hand upon Filcher'sbosom.
Did his heartbeat. No pulsation had ceased forever.
Jack sprung to his feet. Curse this night's work, he said

(01:07:39):
in a hollow voice. But I must away.
Hark, what's that? He hastily dashed the match to
the ground, and opened the door of the vault a few inches and
listened. The sound of voices came plainly
to his ears. He strained his eyes in the
direction from whence the soundscame, and could perceive several
forms gathered together outside the railings of the churchyard.

(01:08:00):
Whilst standing with the little black door in his hand, he heard
one say. I tell you it was a fearful
screech. I heared, and it seemed to come
from that vault. Then somebody's there, said
another. Where's a constable?
It ought to be seen to. Perhaps it's a ghost, said
another. A ghost.
Yes, perhaps it is, for it was ahorrible screech.

(01:08:23):
Said the first speaker. Oh, here's the constable.
We'll get him to go in and see what it was.
As Jack glanced toward the railings, he perceived.
That the little. Crowd was gradually becoming
larger and that several had clustered around the tall figure
of a man who had made his way tothe spot.
Humph, I'm in a pretty mess here, said Jack.

(01:08:44):
And how to get out of it I don'tknow.
This is likely to be a serious affair, for should I be
captured, I shall certainly be taken for the murderer of this
man. And then?
But no, I must find some means to get away.
Ah, superstition is inherent in the hearts of all to a lesser or
greater degree, and may serve mein good stead.
Now, some already believe the cry of this affrighted fellow

(01:09:06):
emanated from a ghost. I will turn my cloak again and
trust a Providence into my springs for escape.
Hello. They are trying to force the
gate. There's not a moment to lose.
Quick Jack, you must not be taken or you'll stand your trial
for murder. The murder of that poor devil,
who, though he deserved his fate, I could wish he'd not met
it at my hands. The crowd, which had now become

(01:09:28):
considerably augmented in numbers, were endeavouring to
force their way into the churchyard by pressing with all
their might on the iron gates. They were composed principally
of the lowest and most ignorant of persons, wretches whose home
was the streets, whose bed, the doorstep, whose cover lid the
sky. That class, in fact, whose
ignorance made them superstitious.

(01:09:49):
And Jack did not feel so I'll atease as he otherwise might have
done. Finding all efforts to force the
gates futile, the mob commenced clamoring for the officer to
climb over the railings, A proceeding which he evidently
objected to for some time, either from a disinclination to
put himself to the trouble or a fear of encountering something
supernatural. This delay gave Jack ample time

(01:10:13):
to change his costume and make himself as hideous as he could.
At length, however, the clamor of the mob became so great that
the officer, assisted by the bystanders, climbed the iron
railings and dropped down insideof the churchyard.
Jack then left the vault in a crouching position, and pulling
the black door to after him, crawled along and took up a

(01:10:34):
position behind a tall tombstone, where he waited in
breathless suspense. The constable, however, though
repeatedly informed that the cryhad come from the direction of
the vault, would persist in making his way in an opposite
course, till voice in the crowd bawled out.
There's an officer blown if he ain't afraid to do his duty, who

(01:10:56):
am ya ya ya ya? Came from a dozen throats, and
appeared to have the desired effect, viz, of changing the
course of the guardian of the peace, and leading him to make
his way, staff in hand, toward the vault.
He had approached very slowly within about half a dozen yards
of the place, when Jack sprang quickly up from his recumbent

(01:11:17):
position right before him. The man was thus brought to a
sudden stop. For a moment he gazed upon the
white cloak, and then, as it disappeared behind the tall
tombstone, he uttered a yell of horror, dropped his staff from
his hand, turned and speed with the greatest alacrity toward the
gate, yelling out an affrighted accent.
A ghost. A ghost.

(01:11:39):
The cry was taken up by those outside, and Jack, anxious to
increase the impression, believing that it would tend to
enable him the easier to be to retreat from the churchyard,
sprung up on to the top of the tall headstone, stood there for
a moment, and then disappeared to gain behind it.
There it is. There it is.
Exclaimed a number of voices anda dozen fingers pointed toward

(01:12:00):
the stone. Where?
Where? Exclaimed those whose attention
had been otherwise attracted. There, don't you see it?
The stone? It was a white figure, so tall,
awful eyes and horns and numerous other exclamations.
The officer who had turned to the gate was now endeavoring to
climb over them into the street.Why don't you do your duty?

(01:12:23):
Said a weazened faced elderly man who had been summoned to the
spot by the clamor. You're a pretty fellow for a
policeman. Have you run away from a shadow
or tell you it's a ghost? Said the officer fairly out of
breath with his exertions. Bah said the elderly person
contemptuously. It's some Rascal got in there to

(01:12:43):
frighten people and you ought toarrest him.
You had better go do it yourself.
Said the officer. I am too old but I hope to pay
younger men. Was the reply.
You ought to be ashamed of yourself and deserve to be
reported. There's a policeman.
There's a policeman. This remark called forth jeers

(01:13:05):
from the crowd, and ashamed at the cowardly part he was
playing, the officer dropped down again into the churchyard,
and looking at those on the other side of the railings, he
said, I was afraid. I'll tell you what there ain't
one of your got the pluck to come over here, ain't we?
Said 1A tall, strapping costermonger, grasping a railing
in either hand and drawing himself up.

(01:13:27):
Come on then, if you have, said the officer, with a sigh of
relief at the prospect of havingsomeone to keep him company.
Come on then, let's say what you'll do.
The man soon succeeded in climbing over and dropping down
beside the constable. Now where's the ghost?
He said. There.
Was the reply of the policeman pointing to the spot where he

(01:13:48):
had seen Jack? Then all ever shy at him.
Feeling his courage greatly revived by having so powerful a
companion at his side, the officer once more made his way
among the graves, searching for his staff as he went.
This he saw at last, and as he stooped to pick it up, Jack
sprang from behind a headstone and alighted on his back.

(01:14:09):
So sudden and unexpected was this act that the officer
uttered a cry and fell flat on his face, while his brave
companion. Turned and flat at a terrific
speed. He did not go many steps,
however, before his foot striking against one of the
grass covered mounds sent him sprawling, and as he fell he
struck his head with great violence against the footstone,

(01:14:30):
completely stunning himself for the moment.
The instant he recovered from the shock he was up again and
off toward the gate, over which he clambered in a manner that
would have done credit to an Acrobat.
Another shout arose from the assembled mob, as once more they
caught sight of the white figureand the excitement became
intense, a mid which the costermonger slunk away from the

(01:14:51):
scene. As soon as the officer fell to
earth, our hero sprang away and once more hid himself behind one
of the numerous stones. Oop shouted the constable
scrambling to his feet and looking with horror around him.
He had clutched at his staff andretained it in his hand and as
he called. Out he made.
Frantic blows with it in the air.

(01:15:11):
Where he is again. Shouted the mob as they caught
another glimpse of Jack as he endeavoured to steal away to the
opposite end of the churchyard. Policemen looked around, and
seeing nothing, walked again toward the gate.
But he paused ere he had taken half a dozen steps.
The mob were again uttering numerous exclamations at his
timidity, and he hesitated. The fact was, he knew not which

(01:15:35):
was best to encounter, the jeersof those outside, or the
supposed ghost within the churchyard.
The former he could. I'll brook, the latter he
dreaded. So, looking nervously around
him, and utterly bewildered, he placed one hand on the tombstone
and panted for breath. As he stood thus, Jack sprang up
behind him, raised his right hand and brought it down with

(01:15:56):
all his force on the crown of the officers hat, driving it
completely over his face down tohis chin.
Murder. Shrieked the constable, making a
desperate blow with his truncheon and bringing his
knuckles into contact with the headstone of a neighboring
grave. Murder help.
Help. Ha, ha, ha, laughed Jack.

(01:16:17):
Striking another blow at the officer's hat and driving it
still lower. My brave fellow, why don't you
do your duty? Then giving him a kick behind,
the officer started forward, andbeing unable to see where he was
going, ran full butt against thefootstones of a grave and fell
over it, hurting himself very considerably.
Jack saw that the man's cries were bringing him assistance,

(01:16:39):
and while the officer lay on theground frantically tugging at
his hat and endeavoring to forceit up from over his face, and
several of the mob had proceeded.
To climb the iron railings, he darted away as quickly as he
could to the opposite side of the church yard.
Here he crouched down within theshadow of a tomb, hastily
changed his cloak, and cast an anxious look along the railings

(01:17:00):
for the best place to escape from the ground.
There's enough of this for tonight, he said to himself as
he rose and looked around him. Now I will go.
No, you won't, said a voice behind him.
And the man who had stolen noiselessly to the spot laid a
hand upon Jack's shoulder. Here he is, he added, shouting
at the top of his voice. I've got the ghost, I've got

(01:17:21):
him. Hold tight then, my fine fellow,
said Jack, giving himself a sudden twist from the man's
hold. You don't escape here.
Some of you come and help me. He shouted again, seizing Jack
by the shoulder. A loud shout arose in answer to
the man's call, and several persons hurried over the stones
to his assistance. At this moment the clock struck.

(01:17:42):
One time's up, said Jack, dealing the man a blow in the
face and wrenching himself from his hold, bounded up and over
the iron railings. Well, now it's time to bring
Jack in for a landing. And wow, that escalated quickly,
didn't it? Jack literally frightened this

(01:18:04):
crook to death, and now there's a pretty significant chance that
there will be a murder charge waiting for him when he's
eventually caught. Based on our reading so far,
we've come to know Jack is a bored rich guy, entertaining
himself with sprees like Corinthian, Tom and Jerry
Hawthorne and life in London, running about London, boxing
Charlie's and getting in fist fights.

(01:18:24):
Nothing says cold dose of reality like having the chap you
were having fun punishing with agood fright keel over stone dead
at your feet. Yeah, he was a bad guy, but the
bloody codes were a 1700s thing.People didn't get the death
penalty for stealing a bundle ofshirts, but of course, the
philosophy lessons can come later.
Right now, Jack has to hop the twig butt quick.

(01:18:47):
So now it's time to turn to the last penny dreadful in our
lineup. But first, what the hell does
bank the swag mean? After we bone the swag from
Valaja, we can bank it in the churchyard vault till morning.
In this context, it means to stash the stolen property, that
is the swag in a safe place. Swag means stolen property other

(01:19:07):
than money. In our story, of course, Joe
Filcher banked the swag that he prigged from Ellen folder in the
churchyard vault and thereby sealed his fate.
Bone is another word for steal. Remember the term boner of
stiffens? It means a resurrection man and
enterprising fellow who slips into church yards by stealth and
by night to dig up freshly interred corpses so that he can

(01:19:29):
sell them, no questions asked, to the nearest Medical College
as cadavers for dissection labs.Yeah, a resurrection man, of
course. Bones the stiffens.
And I know that sounds funny because bone means something
else in modern slang, but it didn't back then, and there was
not even a double entendre aboutthat, for which we should
probably be thankful. Now it's time for our next

(01:19:52):
chapter of The Black Band or TheMysteries of Midnight by Mary E
Bradden. For this story, let's once again
get the straight dope on all theflash can't words that we used
in the intro to this episode. As you'll remember, I started by
welcoming all you archdoxies, hack pirates, and Knights of the
Brush and the Moon and mentionedthat the pig men and Rum Quad

(01:20:12):
culls around King's Bench College knew me as Professor
Flash and welcomed you to the Chafing Crib.
I invited you to slip off your crab shells and put up your
hooves and top off a Tumblr withSir Robert Burnett's finest and
bite your name in it and swivel your pipkin my way for another
rare noggin of Gammon Ray. Right, I mentioned that the
laced women and flowers of society call our stories Penny

(01:20:35):
Dreadfuls. And of course I mentioned Daffy.
But you know what Daffy is by now, right?
OK, we'll unpack all that after our story in which last week in
chapter 10 of The Black Band, Robert Merton, the self-made
millionaire who has fallen for Lady Edith Vandalur and is soon
to marry her, was having some second thoughts.
Would they enable him to avoid the terrible matrimonial mistake

(01:20:58):
he was about to embark upon? Nope, they would not.
Instead, the fool bums Russia's Edith Vandalur to the altar for
a secret marriage. Yeah, this is going to end well,
for sure. I bet it turns out just peachy.
But before it does, we're going to change scenes and learn about
something else that's going on at the same time.

(01:21:19):
Let's get to that now. Chapter 11 Samuel Cranks Agency
In one of the busiest quarters of the City of London, there's a
narrow court so hidden away behind the clusters of

(01:21:39):
warehouses, so shut in by the lofty piles of buildings which
close around it, that a strangerwould fail to find it without a
guide. This court is called Kelman's
Alley. The light of the blessed sun
rarely penetrated into this dismal spot.
The window panes of the dark house were black and grimed with

(01:22:00):
the accumulated smoke and dirt of years.
No children ever came to play upon the narrow pavement between
the two rows of dreary buildingsdeserted by the light of heaven.
It seemed as if the place was almost deserted by mankind.
The whole of one side of this court was occupied by the back
of some large manufactory on theother side, where a half a dozen

(01:22:23):
irregular tumble down houses, the door posts half rotting
away, the worn out paint upon the panels of the doors cracked
and blistered, the window panes broken, the entire aspect of the
place proclaiming misery and desolation.
Upon the center panel of the door of #2 there was a rusty
brass plate, upon which was engraved Samuel Crank, agent.

(01:22:48):
Agent for whom or for what? The brass plate threw no light
on that mystery. Had a stranger asked any of the
neighbors, men who had lived half their lives in Kelman's
Alley, for information regardingMr. Samuel Crank, he would have
obtained little more than that afforded by the brass plate.
No one knew anything of Samuel Crank.

(01:23:08):
No one had ever known for certain that they had really
seen him. Young men, old men, women, boys,
children, had been seen to come from the door of #2 but no one
had been perceived to go in or out so often as to justify the
neighbors in supposing him to beMr. Crank.
He had lived in Kelman's Alley for some years.

(01:23:28):
Nobody remembered his coming, and the residents had seen one
morning a brass plate upon the door with a name that was
unfamiliar to them. That was.
All. Whoever he was, he could only
use the house as a place of business, for lights were never
seen in the shutterless upper windows, nor was any food ever
seen to be carried in. On the morning of the day

(01:23:49):
following that on which the events took place, which we have
described in the preceding chapter, a dark and quiet
looking broom drew up in one of the busiest thoroughfares of the
East End of London, and a tall, elegant looking man.
Elated. I am going to my bankers,
Carson. He said to his coachman.
And as I may be engaged with himfor some time, you had better

(01:24:11):
drive home. I shall return in a handsome The
man drove off, and the stranger looked about him thoughtfully.
Strange, he muttered. Often, as I have been here, I
always forget the way to the wretched place.
After a few moments deliberation, however, he
appeared to recall the neighborhood to recollection,
and striking into a dismal square, he walked rapidly

(01:24:34):
through several winding and twisting streets, then under an
archway that conducted him into Kelman's Alley.
Our birds have no snugger nest in all of Europe than this, I
think, he murmured as his brilliant black eye glanced
around the dingy court. I would defy all the detectives
in England to find us here. There is Mr. Crank's office, the

(01:24:56):
sly old dog, a clever old dog, is Samuel Crank.
Takes to his business as a fashionable beauty.
Takes to a rich husband, a useful man, a perfect treasure.
He knocked at the door of #2 As he made these reflections.
After some delay it was opened very cautiously, with a great
rattling of chains and bolts, and the stranger entered the

(01:25:19):
dingy passage, at the end of which, though it was but noon, a
small oil lamp was burning. Samuel Crank, for he it was who
opened the door, was an elderly man with white hair and bushy
black eyebrows. He wore the dress of 50 years
ago, knee britches, Gray stockings, shoes and shoe
buckles, and a long white flannel dressing gown.

(01:25:42):
And this old fashioned costume and his white hair made him
appear a great deal older than he really was.
He was what many people would have called a benevolent looking
old man. But the close observer might
have perceived in the small and rat like eyes which twinkled
behind his spectacles, a strangeand dangerous glitter, something

(01:26:03):
like the glitter of the eyes of a serpent when fixed upon its
helpless and fascinated prey. He bowed very low as the
stranger strode into the narrow passage.
Your humble servant, Captain. He said with an air of cringing
humility. If I had known it was you who
knocked. You would have come a little
quicker, eh, my worthy Samuel? Said Colonel Oscar Bertrand, the

(01:26:26):
Austrian officer, for it was he who was the visitor of Samuel
Crank, Agent. Well, certainly Kelman's Alley
isn't the pleasantest place in the world for a gentleman to
kick his heels in a Lead the wayupstairs, my good friend, and
let us see how business is goingon.
Mr. Krang, stopping at almost every step to bow or to

(01:26:46):
apologize to the Colonel for thewretchedness of the place, led
the way up the narrow staircase and into a room on the 1st
floor. This room was fitted up much
after the fashion of a lawyer's office.
A large desk and a high backed leathern chair occupied the
center of the apartment. There was a bookcase against a
wall and other shelves on which stood one or two rows of heavy

(01:27:08):
vellum bound volumes which looked like ledgers.
At the back of the high armchairthere was a narrow recess which
had been occupied by a window, but now was bricked up, and
before this recess hung a shabbychintz curtain, now most
excellent and sagacious Samuel, said the Colonel, flinging
himself into the office chair and deliberately drawing off his

(01:27:29):
delicate, primrose colored kid gloves.
Let us go into our affairs. How is the retail trade going
on? Pretty well, Pretty well, my
honored captain. Said the old man, chuckling and
rubbing his hands. He had not presumed to seat
himself in the presence of the Austrian officer, but stood by
as if ready to obey any order hemight receive.

(01:27:51):
Humph, Muttered Colonel Bertrand, running his ringed
fingers through his bright Auburn hair.
The money does not drop in quiteas fast as I should wish.
The society is a rich one, but it's expenses are enormous.
A midnight robbery, Samuel Crankis a speculation, A speculation
by which the robber, however clever and experienced,

(01:28:13):
sometimes loses. For the past few months nothing
great has been done by the Society, either in England or
abroad. We want new members, Samuel, new
members for the black band, and they do not come to us fast
enough. But we are on the watch, said
the old man thoughtfully. Always on the watch today, you

(01:28:33):
gentlemen, tomorrow a plowboy. We lose no chance of
strengthening our resources and adding to our members.
No one is too lofty, no one is too lowly.
That is our motto, is it not, Master?
It is, said the Colonel. I expect a member to join this
morning, nay, this very hour, for it is past 12, and he should
have been here at 12. Indeed, yes, he has come from a

(01:28:58):
great distance to this great city, and he has ventured a
great deal to reach it. But he had not been here an hour
before he fell into the hands ofone of our scouts.
The scout met him in a public house belonging to the Society,
played Skittles with him, drank with him and made him drunk, got
all his secrets from him, every one of them, and then told him

(01:29:19):
to come here this morning to me,Mr. Crank, a worthy man, an
honest man, and an agent who will put him in the way of
investing a little money that hehas about him.
And he's coming, he's coming, poor lad.
Repeated the old man, grinning and chuckling with a revolting
expression of fiendish Glee. He's coming, poor lad.
Hark, he's come. At this very moment a bell in

(01:29:43):
the passage below rang with a feeble tinkling noise.
He's humble, poor lad, chuckled the old.
Man, he's humble enough, though he's got a little bit of money
to spend. He doesn't give a double knock.
He rings the bell. He mustn't see me here.
Said the Colonel, taking up his hat and gloves.
And yet I can't pass him on the staircase of a good mind to stay

(01:30:04):
and hear the interview. I know what a clever fellow you
are, Samuel, and I should like to find out how you manage
matters. Then step into that recess.
On it, Captain, The lad will never see you there.
Step in, I'll draw the curtain across and you'll hear how we do
it, Chuckled the old man as the Colonel concealed himself.

(01:30:25):
He left the room and returned ina few minutes, followed by a
young man in a countryman's dress who looked about him as he
entered the room. It's a queer place you live in,
Mr. Crank. He said.
Rich men often do live in queer places.
Said Samuel Crank with a sly laugh.
Queer places are safest. So they are, so they are.

(01:30:45):
Answered the young man. He was a pale faced, cadaverous
looking youth of about 5 and 20 years of age.
He had small, cunning black eyesand he seemed to be very well
able to take care of himself. So you want to invest a little?
Money, my young friend, said Mr.Crank.
Who told you that? Said the young man sharply.

(01:31:05):
A friend who sent you here, Mr. Timothy Hodge, answered Samuel.
Why not be open and candid now? He added, seating himself in his
office chair. Why not be?
Candid, Mr. Hodge, and tell me all about it.
Mr. Hodge looked rather distrustfully at the old man,
and then said with a sulky air. Well then.
This is all about it. I've had a lot of money left me

(01:31:27):
by my grandfather and I want to invest it in some safe concern
that will bring me a good interest for my principal.
It's it's all in notes. He added, hesitating and turning
very white. And I should like them to be
sent abroad, should you? Said Mr. Crank the agent with a
strange chuckling laugh. Should you really now, my dear

(01:31:48):
young friend? But why?
Never you mind why? Muttered Mr. Timothy Hodge.
But I do mind, my dear young man, answered the old agent,
fixing his penetrating rat's eyes upon Mr. Hodge's changing
countenance. Shall I tell you why?
Because you know very well that the number of every one of these
notes is known, and that paymenthas stopped at the Bank of

(01:32:11):
England. Because you came by them
dishonestly. And because.
What? What?
Cried Timothy Hodge, his presence of mind wholly
deserting him in his terror of the old man.
Because there is blood upon them.
Cried Samuel Crank. Did you think to deceive me?
With a shrill scream of horror the young man fell upon his

(01:32:33):
knees before Mr. Crank's desk, and, taking a bundle of notes
from his pocket, cast them from him as if they had been
scorpions. Mercy, mercy, he gasped.
The old man laughed aloud. Mercy repeated the wretched
youth, hiding his face in his hands.
Listen to me, young man, said Samuel Crank in a solemn voice.

(01:32:55):
You have taken the first step upon the great High Road of
crime. You can no more retrace that
step than you can recall the yesterday which has fallen into
the grave of the past. You are a criminal none the
strong hand of the Lords on the watch to strike you.
You are ours. Join us.

(01:33:15):
Join, you repeated Timothy. But but, but who?
What? What are you?
That you shall know when you have become one of us.
Be satisfied now to know that wearm ourselves against the law
which is armed against us and that we defy that law.
Join us, I will, answered the terror stricken young man.
Good. Had you refused I should have

(01:33:36):
had to give information against you and tonight you would have
slept in Newgate. Now go, but return to this house
at midnight, and I will then take you to the place where you
will be enrolled as a member of our society.
But, remonstrated Mr. Hodge go, repeated Samuel Crank in a tone
of command. My time is valuable.
I can waste no more of it upon you.

(01:33:58):
The young man sneaked out of theroom, crestfallen and pale as
ashes. Colonel Bertrand emerged from
his hiding place. Samuel Crank, he said, clapping
the old man upon the shoulder. I always thought you a useful
member of the society, but now Iknow you are a treasure.
I do my best, renowned captain, said Mr. Crank.

(01:34:19):
I do my best and I like the business.
Well, that's it for the black band for today, and I don't know
about you, but I'm just not veryexcited at the opportunity to
meet someone new to loathe. When I saw the title Samuel

(01:34:39):
Cranks Agency for a moment I hoped it might be some sort of
detective agency or or maybe we were finally going to get a
protagonist to root for instead of just an ever growing roster
of contemptible wretches and psychotic super villains.
But Nope, always room for another one I guess.
I can, however, confirm that that is about to change.

(01:35:00):
Like I said, I'm exactly 1 chapter ahead of you in this
reading. In case you're curious, my
method for these is each week toedit the chapter we're about to
use and then immediately record the next chapter while all the
character voices are fresh in myhead.
That's why I said I'm a chapter ahead, and I can confirm that in
chapter 12 we are going to meet at least one character who is

(01:35:21):
truly worthy of having us root for her.
Possibly 2, maybe even 3. Meanwhile, Samuel Crank is a fun
addition to the roster of villains and I do hope that we
are going to be let in on the details of how the notes brought
by that young man got tainted with blood.
Did he spill? It seems so.
Well, that wraps up our readingsfor the week.

(01:35:43):
I hope you enjoyed them as much as I did.
But before we mizzle off, an archdoxie is a woman who holds a
high rank and commands great respect in a flash patterning
subculture. Often she's a gypsy family VIP,
but she may just be in a criminal organization.
By the way, just plain doxy meant different things to

(01:36:03):
different subcultures at different times, so it's a bit
of a dangerous one to trot out the criminal subculture.
The family used it to mean a woman of spunk and spirit at the
same time that the flats that ismainstream folks were using it
to mean an unmarried mistress ofa criminal or gypsy family man.
Later, it basically meant sweetheart, as in the inn was

(01:36:25):
full of playboys and their doxies.
Ack pirates are freshwater thieves who ply the Thames
stealing stuff off boats. Ack obviously derives from
Acker, which is a name for a fast tidal current, and Knights
of the Brush and moon. Well, you know this one.
These are fellows who've had so much to drink that they have
gotten lost on the way home and run amok in the fields and

(01:36:47):
ditches of the countryside. Pigmen are bailiffs and rumquad
culls are jailers, and college is a term for prison.
So King's Bench Prison, which closed in 1880 but got used a
lot for debtors prisons. So if I'm known among pig men
and rumquad culls around King's Bench College as Professor
Flash, that probably means I'm enrolled.

(01:37:09):
Maybe I forget to pay the gas bill or something.
Slip off your crab shells and put up your.
Hooves, you know this one. I use it quite a bit.
Means take your shoes off and put your feet up.
And then there's Sir Robert Burnett's finest.
Sir Robert Burnett's gin is our favorite brand here in the
chafing crib because it is specifically mentioned by brand

(01:37:29):
name in a wonderful little drinking song published in
Pierce Egan's True History of Tom and Jerry.
The song is set to the tune of Home Sweet Home and it's titled
Gin Sweet Gin. It mentions 5 different brands
of gin and Sir Robert's is the only one that I could find that
is still in production, so that's Sir Robert Burnett's

(01:37:49):
finest. Bite your name in.
That means to take a big drink. Your pipkin is your head.
Also known as a jemmy. A block, a canister if it's
empty, a knowledge box if it's full, a mazzard if you're a
Shakespeare buff, see Othello Act 2 Scene 3, and a knob if
it's due for a thumping. By the way, a pipkin was a word

(01:38:10):
for a small earthenware pod about the size of a head, so
that's where the reference comesfrom.
And gammon re of course is basically the early Victorian
word for bullshit, or probably more likely bullshitting.
Finally, laced women are virtuous ladies of the set that
would wear a formal dress with corset.
And Flowers of Society is a slightly contemptuous term for

(01:38:31):
aristocrats and other VIPs. You may recall Dick Turpin
having called the Lord and Lady Mayor of London Flowers of
society whilst he was inviting them to stand and deliver back
in Chapter 2 of Black Bass. And finally, daffy of course,
was Jen. Now, before I mizzle off, I've
been thinking I'd like to make this podcast a little bit more

(01:38:52):
like an early Victorian variety show.
I'm thinking of adding a couple of songs to the lineup if
they're short enough and I can track down some musicians who
would be willing to let me showcase their work.
I'm thinking a bit like the weather on Welcome to Night
Vale. If you, dear listener, have
suggestions for musicians I can reach out to, or maybe you
yourself are such a musician, please do drop me a note at

(01:39:13):
finn@pulpdashlit.com. Probably won't do anything on
this until summer because I teach at college and I'm still
pretty busy until then, but it'ssome.
But it's something to contemplate.
So that concludes this episode of the weekly Penny Dreadful
Story Hour. I do hope you will join me again
next week. Same spring healed time, same
spring healed channel when we will have Chapter 50 of Sweeney

(01:39:35):
Todd and Chapter 12 of all the rest.
In Sweeney Todd, Johanna Oakley will be forced to take her burly
but not overly wise cousin Big Ben the Beefeater into her
confidence to tell him she is dressing in boys clothes to spy
on the barbershop where she thinks Mark and Gestrey was
murdered. This is because he actually saw
her on the street and recognizedher.

(01:39:57):
Now what do you think Big Ben will do with this information?
Why go check it out? By having Sweeney Todd shave
him, of course. Will he survive such a foolhardy
act? We shall see.
In Black Bess, Dick waits for nightfall and is off and away.
Ellen, the young maiden whom he rescued a few chapters ago from
a fate worse than death and thatmean cap maker ladies DIY

(01:40:21):
bordello begs him not to go, as the grabs are sure to be on the
lay for him. But he pays no heed, and soon he
is off into a thick fog, journeying perhaps to his death
in Varney. The Vampire, Poor Charles
Holland is struggling with his feelings.
He cannot believe that such things as vampires exist, but if

(01:40:42):
they do, will he soon have a vampire for a bride?
He stares at the mysterious portrait.
What is its significance? Could there be some hidden
meaning behind it? And wait, what's that scratching
at the window in Spring Heeled Jack?
Jack's taking a little breather after his churchyard caper when
he recognizes Ellen Folder, the poor seamstress who's bundled

(01:41:04):
Joe Filcher filched. Hurrying toward London Bridge,
Jack realizes she's determined to cast herself into the black,
filthy waters. Can he save her from the bitter
fruits of her temporary madness?And in The Black Band, we are
finally going to meet a few characters that we can root for.
We'll meet the lovely Clara Melville, a poverty stricken but

(01:41:25):
aristocratic and lovely young ballet dancer, and her father,
Jasper Melville, an impoverishedaristocrat of some sort who
hints at a dark secret. Clara's baby sister is at
death's door with a raging fever.
Suddenly, a visitor knocks imperiously at the door.
Who could it be? By the way, ballet girls are the

(01:41:46):
subject in a lot of these. In the 1860s, the journey of the
ballet from debased art associated with high end
prostitution to fine art not associated with that at all
basically happened between when the first one of our penny
dreadfuls came out in 1845 and the last in 1866.

(01:42:09):
I mean, seriously, 20 years. So everybody remembered when the
ballet had this reputation. And yeah, we'll have a lot more
to say about the history of ballet in Victorian England
because it is fascinating. So all of that plus a bunch more
flash. Can't.
Words are coming your way next Saturday Eve.
Our theme music is a track called Night Ragents by Maxim

(01:42:32):
Kornashev. You can find more of his work on
Spotify, Apple Music Band Camp and probably some other places
too. The Penny Dreadful Story Hour is
a production of Pulp Lit Studios.
For all the gory details, look to pulp-lit.com.
To get in touch with me, hit me up at finn@pulp-lit.com.
Thanks again for joining me, Pippins.

(01:42:54):
It's time for us to Morris rightoff for the Penny Dreadful Story
Hour. I'm Professor Flash AKA Finn JD
John, signing off now Fairforth.And fill up the rest of the week
with stuff that is right as a trivet with a extra leg Bye now.

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