031: Trapped in the Murderers' House! — Is This the Vampire? — The Vaults Give Up their Secrets — plus more flash-cant words! - The Penny Dreadful Radio Hour: A Late Regency/Early Victorian Weekly Feast of Crammers and Moonshine

Episode Transcript
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(00:14):
A tip top evening to all you hopmerchants and gin spinners and
Knights of the Brush and Moon Tis I, your host Finn, JD, John,
known among the cakey flats and town toddlers of Old Saint
Dunstan's parish as Professor Flash, and I'm here to welcome
you back once again to the Chafing Crib.

(00:34):
It's another Saturday night and that means it's time for the
first hour of the Penny DreadfulShow.
So give your stumps a little holiday and rest your flankies
and put your hooves up on the table top.
Top off a bumper with good red Thunder and wet your other eye
and swivel your title page in mydirection because another rare
noggin of moonshine in the form of the Penny Dreadful Story Hour

(00:57):
is upon us. Like the Sandman on Mr. Vickley
during Sunday's sermon, The Penny Dreadful Story Show is the
podcast that carries you back tothe city foggy streets of early
Victorian London when the latestbatch of the story papers hit
the streets. Not the fancy ones that cost you
a whole grunter to read, but thecheap scrappy ones that you can

(01:18):
pick up for a couple of mags. The ones the flunkies and laced
women call penny bloods or pennydreadfuls.
That's right, the good stuff that like a quarter or two of
straight Juniper daffy may be a little rough, but does the job.
Tonight's episode focuses on theearly years of the Penny
Dreadful era at the dawn of the Victorian age in the late 1830s

(01:41):
and early 1840s. Next week's episode will shift
to the later years of the Penny Dreadful era, circa 1865.
But for tonight, we have queued up for you a trio of true
crammers from the early years ofthe penny Dreadful era.
Here's what we've got in store for tonight.
First up, our earliest dreadful,which started its run in 1844

(02:04):
and was by the end of the century the most widely read
work of fiction in the English speaking world.
That would be Chapter 2 of The Mysteries of London by George WM
Reynolds, in which the well dressed youth that we met last
time, ducking into a strange house to escape the rain,
scampers upstairs ahead of the newcomers and ducks into the

(02:24):
farthest room. Luckily, the newcomers enter the
other room and light a candle and start taking some
refreshments, and the boy overhears them talking of
burglaries and murders and a trapdoor in the house that dead
bodies once were flung down intothe Fleet River, which runs
subterraneously under the house.The boy is desperate to get out,
but he can't leave without them seeing him.

(02:46):
Is he stuck? Will he be discovered and caught
and killed? We'll see.
Next we'll have Chapter 14 of Varney the Vampire or The Feast
of Blood, which started publication in 1845 in the hands
of James Malcolm Reimer, in which Sir Francis Varney brings
wine out for Henry and Mr. Marchdale, but does not drink

(03:07):
any himself. Henry increasingly convinced
that Varney is in fact a vampire.
The vampire struggles and dithers as Marchdale tries to
help him hold himself together. He wonders if he has a duty to
destroy the vampire. Then Marchdale helpfully reminds
Henry that Flora, having been bitten by a vampire, may be

(03:28):
turning into one too. Finally, we'll Polish you off
for the evening with Chapter 52 of The String of Pearls or The
Barber of Fleet Street, starring, of course, Sweeney
Todd, and this is also by James Malcolm Rhymer, starting its
publication in 1846. In.
Which Sir Richard Blunt ascends into the vaults, followed

(03:51):
reluctantly by the Beatle and church warden.
Soon, figuring out that they aregoing to be more hindrance than
help, Sir Richard hurries ahead,leaving them in the darkness.
So what will he find down there?We'll be finding out soon
enough. Before we get into today's show,
let me tell you about today's sponsor, Sir Bertram's Authentic
Royal titles. Did you know that for less than

(04:13):
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(04:54):
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the metaverse. For a small additional fee, you
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noble finery. Don't be a mere peasant for a
minute longer. Rush to a computer or whip out
your phone and go to members.aol.com/wooster/lord No

(05:19):
dot HTML. Thanks again to Sir Bertram's
Authentic Royal Titles for sponsoring this episode.
And now back to the show. It's time to delve into the
sinister depths of our first penny Dreadful of the night, The
Mysteries of London. Stories of Life in the Modern
Babylon by George WM Reynolds, which started its publication in

(05:41):
1844. The flash can't word for this
reading is mill Clapper. Johanna's mother's got a mill
Clapper on her. I don't know how Big Ben puts up
with it. You know this one.
If not, take a guess. We'll get the full story at the
end of our reading. Speaking of which, last week in
Chapter 1 of The Mysteries of London, we opened up in July

(06:04):
1831 on a dark and stormy night.A young, tender looking youth of
about 15 or 16, well dressed in riding costume but on foot, was
lost and hurrying through the filthy Smithfield Market.
As the rain started to pour down, he stepped up onto the
porch of a slum tenement to try to get some shelter under its
lentil, and the door popped openand he almost fell right in.

(06:28):
Slipping inside, he looked for aplace to sit and rest, but Hall
was profoundly dark. Then a flash of lightning
revealed a large square of jettyblackness in the middle of the
floor, 3 feet from where he was standing.
It could be nothing other than ahole in the floor, but a hole to
what? What did it offer access to?
He retreated from the room and then he heard approaching

(06:49):
footsteps. Hurrying away up the stairs so
he would not be caught, he heardtwo men enter the house and come
up the stairs after him. Will they catch him in the
house? Well, let's find out now.
Chapter 2. The Mysteries of the Old House

(07:12):
Fortunately for the interesting young stranger, the individuals
who had just entered the house did not attempt the door of the
room in which he had taken refuge.
They proceeded straight, and with a steadiness that seemed to
indicate they knew the locality well, to the front chamber upon
the same floor. In a few moments there was a
sharp grating noise along the wall, and then a light shone

(07:35):
suddenly into the room where theyoung stranger was concealed.
He cast a terrified glance around, and beheld a small
square window in the wall which separated the two apartments.
It was about 5 feet from the floor, a height which permitted
the youth to avail himself of itin order to reconnoiter the
proceedings in the next room. By means of a candle which had

(07:56):
been lighted by the aid of a Lucifer match, and which stood
upon a dirty deal table, the young stranger beheld 2 men
whose outward appearance did notserve to banish his alarm.
They were dressed like operatives of the most humble
class. One wore a gabardine and close
leather gaiters and laced up boots.
The other had a fustian shootingjacket on and long corduroy

(08:18):
trousers. They were both dirty and
unshaven. The one with the shooting jacket
had a profusion of hair about his face, but which was
evidently not well acquainted with a comb.
The other wore no whiskers, but his beard was of about 3 or 4
days growth. Both were powerful, thick, set
and muscular men, and the expression of their countenances

(08:39):
was dogged, determined, and ferocious.
The room to which they had betaken themselves was cold,
gloomy, and dilapidated. It was furnished with the deal
table before mentioned, and three old crazy chairs, upon two
of which the men now seated themselves.
But they were so placed that they commanded, their door being
open, a full view of the landingplace.

(09:02):
And thus the youthful stranger deemed it impolitic to attempt
to take his departure for the moment.
Now built out, we're for bingo. Said the man in the gabardine to
his companion. Oh, you're always for the lush
you are, Dick. Answered the latter in a surly
tone, producing a bottle of liquor from the capacious pocket
of his fustian coat. But I wonder how the devil it is

(09:24):
that cranky gem ain't home yet. Oh, the Deuce could have left
that infernal door open. Jammer.
Some of the other blades must have been here and left it so it
don't matter. Lol's suspicion.
Well, let's make the regulars all.
Square resumed the man called Bill after a moment's pause.
And then we'll booze a bit and talk over this year.

(09:45):
New job of Owen Look. Alloy then said Dick, and he
forthwith took from beneath his gabardine several small parcels
done up in brown paper. The other man.
Likewise divested the pockets ofhis fustian coat of diverse
packages, and these were all piled upon the table.
A strange and mysterious proceeding then took place.

(10:06):
The person in the fustian coat approached the chimney and
applied a small turn screw, which he took from his pocket to
a screw in the iron framework ofthe rusty grate.
In a few moments he was enabled to remove the entire grate with
his hands. The square aperture of
considerable dimensions was thenrevealed.
Into this place the two men pressed the parcels which they

(10:27):
had taken from their pockets. The grate was replaced, the
screws were fastened once more, and the work of concealment was
complete. The one in the gabardine then
advanced toward the portion of the wall which was between the
two windows, and the youth in the adjoining room now observed
that for the first time the shutters of those windows were
closed, and that coarse brown paper had been pasted over all

(10:48):
the chinks and joints. Dick applied his hand in a
peculiar manner to the part of the wall just alluded to, and a
sliding panel immediately revealed A capacious cupboard.
Thence the two men took food of by no means a course
description, glasses, pipes, andtobacco, and having hermetically
closed the recess, once more seated themselves at the table

(11:11):
to partake of the good cheer thus mysteriously supplied.
The alarm of the poor youth in the next chamber, as he
contemplated these extraordinaryproceedings, may be better
conceived than depicted. His common sense told him that
he was in the den of lawless thieves, perhaps murderers, in a
house abounding with secret means of concealing every kind

(11:31):
of infamy. His eyes wandered away from the
little window that had enabled him to observe the above
described proceedings, and glanced fearfully around the
room in which he was concealed. He almost expected to see the
very floor open beneath his feet.
He looked down mechanically as this idea flitted through his
imagination, and to his horror and dismay, he beheld a trap

(11:53):
door in the floor. There was no mistaking it there.
It was about 3 feet long and toobroad, and a little sunken
beneath the level of its framework.
Near the edge of the trapdoor lay an object which also
attracted the youth's attention and added to his fears.
It was a knife with a long bladepointed like a dagger.
About 3 inches of this blade wascovered with a peculiar rust.

(12:17):
The youth shuddered. Could it be human blood that had
stained that instrument of death?
Every circumstance, however trivial, aided in such a place
as that to arouse or confirm theworst fears, the most horrible
suspicions. The voices of the two men in the
next room fell upon the youth's ear, and perceiving that escape
was still impracticable, he determined to gratify that

(12:40):
curiosity which now was commingled with his fears.
Well, now about this other job, Dick said.
Bill, it's Gemma started. It, was the reply, but he told
me all about it and so we might as well talk it over.
It's up Islington. Why there between Kentish Tower
and lower all the way. Whose crib is it?

(13:02):
I swell by the name of Markham. He is an old fellow, and has two
sons. One, the oldest, is with his
regiment, and other, the youngest, is only about 15 or
so. A mere kid.
Well, there's no danger to be expected from them.
But what about the funkies? Only two manservants and three
women. One of the manservants has the

(13:24):
old Butler too fat to do any good.
But father's a young tiger, and that's all.
That's all. Now you and I and Jem is quite
enough to crack that air crib. When is it be done?
Let's say tomorrow night. There is no moon now to speak on
and business and the other quarters is slack.
So be it, Here goes end of the success.

(13:46):
Of our new job at Old Markham's.And as the burglar uttered these
words, he tossed off a bumper ofBrandy.
This example was followed by hisworthy companion in their
conversation, then turned upon other topics.
I say, Bill, this whole house has seen some jolly games,
hadn't it all? Should think it had too.
It was Jonathan Wilde's favoritecrib.

(14:08):
He was no fool at keeping thingsdark.
No, surely I dare save a well staircase in the next room.
There that's cover over with thetrapdoors and many a dead body
flung down into the fleet, and without telling.
No tiles too, but the trapdoors been nailed over for some years
now. The unfortunate youth in the

(14:29):
adjacent chamber was riveted in silent horror to the spot as
these fearful details fell upon his ears.
War was a trap door nailed down.'Cause there's no use for that
now, since our house is uninhabited and no more.
Travellers comes to Lord Jia. Besides, if he wanted to make
use of such a conveyance as another.
A loud clap of Thunder preventedthe remainder of this sentence

(14:52):
from reaching the youth's ears. Although it said that a city is
going to make great alterations in this quarter, observed Dick,
after a pause. If salve comes near us, we must
shift our quarters. Well, and don't we know other
cribs as good as this? And just under the very nose of
the authorities, too. The nearer you gets to them for

(15:13):
safer you find yourself who think now over here and impede
your street. And on Saffron Hill too, there
were such cribs as this. Lord, how such coves as you and
me does laugh when them chaps and the Common Council in the
House of Commons gets on their legs and praises up the blue
balls up to the skies as the most acute police in the world,

(15:34):
while they waltz away the people's money to maintain them.
As for alterations, I don't suppose there'll be any for the
next 20 years to come. They always talks of
improvements long before they begins them, but when they do
commence, they won't spare this lovely old crib.
Yeah, go to my art to see them pull about.
I'd much sooner take and shove adozen stiffens myself under the

(15:57):
trap, and see a single rafter ofthe old place.
I'll trait that I would, ah, if so be as a Mason's does come to
pull its old carcass about, there'll be some fine things
made known to the world. Them Cellars downstairs, in
which a man might eyed for 50 years and never be smelt out by
the police, will turn up a bone or two, I rather suspect, and

(16:20):
not of a sheep, nor a pig, nor abull neither.
Why, yeah, for silly folks in this neighbor Rudder have feared
to come here even in the daytimebecause they say it's haunted.
Observed Bill, after a brief pause.
But for my part, I shouldn't be too frightened to come here at
all times of the night and sit here alone, too, even if every
feller as was scragged at Toy Burner Newgate and everyone what

(16:43):
was been tumbled down these holes into the fleet was to
start up. And the man stopped short,
turned ghastly pale, and fell back stupefied and speechless in
his chair. His pipe dropped from his
fingers and broke to pieces uponthe floor.
What if a devil's a matter now? Demanded his companion, casting
an anxious glance around. There, there, don't you say?

(17:06):
Gasped the terrified ruffian, pointing towards the little
window looking into the next room.
It's only some damned gammon of cranky jam, ejaculated Dick, who
was more courageous in such matters than his companion.
All do sound put. That to rights.
Seizing the candle, he was hurrying toward the door when
his companion rushed after him, shouting.

(17:27):
No, I won't be left in the dark,I can't bear it.
Damn me, if you go, I'll go withyou.
The 2 villains accordingly proceeded together into the next
room. Well, that's the end of today's
chapter of the Mysteries of London.
Well, this youngster is in a tight spot.

(17:48):
It's interesting though, isn't it?
We still don't know the youth's name.
I am absolutely convinced that the reason for that is that his
name is Elizabeth. Or maybe Ellen or Mary.
Now, as usual, I'm exactly 1 chapter ahead of you in this
book. I've been very tempted to read
further ahead than that, but I think it's better this way.
We'll find out together if I'm right.

(18:09):
At least I hope we will. I want to explain some of the
flash can't used by the robbers in the scene and also some of
the stuff that may not be super clear, especially to my fellow
colonials. You Blighty blokes are probably
rolling your eyes right now, butyou got to bear with us now.
Bill out before bingo, says Dick.
Oh, you always for Velush you are Dick, says Bill.

(18:32):
Bingo is distilled spirits gin or Brandy, usually rum if
there's a sailor involved. In this case, it's Brandy, which
is of course what most folks preferred in this period if they
could afford it. That detail tells us that these
are successful criminals, not mere cadgers and hedge creepers.
Lush basically means what it means today.

(18:52):
Alcoholic drink Bill also mentions every fellow is of a
scragged at Toy Burner Newgate, and I'm pretty sure you figured
this out, but scragged means hanged.
The Toy Burn Tree and the Newgate Prison were the two most
common places for public hangings at that time.
The fleet As mentioned, that's the river fleet, which is a
thing we colonials would more likely call a Creek, and not

(19:14):
even a very big Creek. It used to average 5 feet wide
in a foot or two deep most of the year, expanding dramatically
when it rained hard. Having a river like that running
through your town, and especially running through
Smithfield Market was super convenient for waste disposal.
So it soon filled up with raw sewage along with random
carcasses of animals that died at the market, not to mention

(19:37):
all the animal dung and crime victims.
But we'll get to that in a minute.
It was pretty bad. So the lower section of the
river was turned into a canal and covered over in the mid
1700s, basically turning it intoan underground sewer channel.
And yeah, basically by the time of this story, the River Fleet
was an underground sewer and, well, this house next to

(19:59):
Smithfield Market was built out over it.
Clearly at some point the ownerswere running it as a sort of
robbers hotel where you checked in anytime you liked, but you
could never leave except by the underground route.
Your body stripped of jewels andany ready money that you had
about you flung down into the shallow water to rot away until

(20:19):
the next big flood should sweep your bones out into the Thames
and away to see. Our author also mentioned that
this house was Jonathan Wilde's favorite crib.
I can't get into this too deep, but let me just say that you
should definitely Google Jonathan Wilde sometime.
Here's the summary section of his Wikipedia page, lightly

(20:39):
edited for conciseness. Jonathan Wilde circa 1683 to May
24th 1725 was an English thief taker that is a vigilante
parapoliceman, essentially a bounty hunter and a major figure
in London's criminal underworld,notable for operating on both

(20:59):
sides of the law. Posing as a public spirited
vigilante who called himself Beef Taker General, he ran a
huge criminal empire and used his crime fighting role to
remove rivals and also to launder the proceeds of his own
crimes. Wilde exploited a strong public
demand for action during a major18th century crime wave, the

(21:21):
same one that inspired the Bloody Code which we've talked
about before. In the absence of any effective
police force in London, as a powerful gang leader himself, he
became a master manipulator of legal systems, collecting the
rewards offered for valuables which he had stolen himself,
bribing prison guards to releasehis colleagues and blackmailing

(21:41):
any who crossed him. Wilde was consulted on crime by
the government due to his apparent remarkable prowess in
locating stolen items and sometimes those who had stolen
them as well, because of course,the thieves who had stolen them
answer directly to him. Eventually, Wilde's duplicity
became known and his men began to give evidence against him.

(22:02):
Like the highwayman Johnny Cash sings about.
The bastards hung him in the spring of 25 before a massive
and very enthusiastic crowd at Tyburn Tree.
By the way, Yes, his body was given to a Medical College for
dissection, and his skeleton is still on public display at
Huntarian Museum in London. If you're ever in the
neighborhood. And curious to check out the

(22:24):
mortal remains of a guy who was born in, what, 400 years ago?
So yeah, that guy and this crib was his favorite.
I guess we can hardly blame our youth, or rather our young drag
lady, for being freaked out by it.
So will he make it? At a slight risk of dropping a
spoiler by implication, let me just say that it will be a while

(22:46):
before we know for sure, and he'll have to overcome some
pretty long odds to do it. But that's all I'm going to say
about that. Here's what I will say In the
next chapter of Mysteries of London.
We're going to see the youth tryvery hard to get the hell out of
the Jonathan Wildhouse through the above ground route and avoid
getting out via the below groundoption.

(23:07):
The youth has a shot. Even though Bill has spotted his
face. He's got an opportunity.
The two ruffians are spooked andBill is terrified.
All he really has to do is run. But he can't.
He's so terrified his legs won'twork and instead he faints.
Doesn't bode well for his futureprospects, does it?
Well, I guess we'll find out howthat goes and whether she, I

(23:29):
mean, he manages to get away from the desperados.
We'll find out in the next chapter.
Now it's time to learn what a mill Clapper is in flash.
Can't. Johanna's mother's got a mill
Clapper on her. I don't know how Big Ben.
Puts up with it. It's a woman's tongue Mill.
As in mill the can break into a house, or as in Miller, a boxer.

(23:50):
Basically, if you were a flash Kitty and your flash Kitty S
started confessing your sins to you in an especially
esperitatious manner, you might moan later to your friends at
the pub that your better half let you have it about the head
and shoulders with the old mill Clapper quail pipe had a similar
meaning, although obviously suited to less belligerent

(24:10):
circumstances. So did red rag, but red rag was
gender neutral. Give you red rag all a day meant
shut up. Well, now it's time for a
chapter of. Varney the vampire with a feast
of blood. By James Malcolm reimer A
dreadful which started publication in 1846 and the
flash can't word for this story is fizzog that's Sir Francis

(24:34):
Vaughn he's got the queerest fizzog I've ever been afflicted
by I wouldn't want to save them 10 colored oglars to peep them
through my. Window of a night.
Take a guess at that one. At the end of the reading, we'll
find out if you were right. Speaking of the reading, last
week in chapter 13 of Varney's Vampire, Henry Bannerworth
called upon his new neighbor, Sir Francis Varney, to talk

(24:56):
about selling or leasing Bannerworth Hall to him.
And when they saw him, they wereshocked to discover that he was
the exact image of the sinister portrait that they'd left
hanging in Flora's bed chamber. That is to say, the exact image
of Sir Renegade Bannerworth, whodied 90 years before, who they
suspected was the vampire. He also, Henry observed, was

(25:19):
wounded in the arm, as if someone might have winged him
with a pistol shot a night or two before.
Then a servant came in with a tray of refreshments.
Remembering that vampires don't eat or drink others and blood,
Henry waited to see Would he? Let's find out now.

(25:43):
Chapter 13. The offer for the Hall.
The visit to Sir Francis Varney.The strange resemblance A
dreadful suggestion. The party made a strict search
through every nook and corner ofthe garden, but it proved to be
a fruitless 1. Not the least trace of anyone

(26:05):
could be found. There was only one circumstance
which was pondered over deeply by them all, and that was that
beneath the window of the room in which Flora and her mother
sat, while the brothers were on their visit to the vault of
their ancestors, were visible marks of blood.
To a considerable extent it willbe remembered that Flora had

(26:26):
fired a pistol at the spectral appearance, and that immediately
upon that it had disappeared after uttering a sound which
might well be construed into a cry of pain from a wound, that a
wound then had been inflicted upon someone.
The blood beneath the window nowabundantly testified, and when
it was discovered, Henry and Charles made a very close

(26:49):
examination indeed of the gardento discover what direction the
wounded figure, be it man or vampire, had taken.
But the closest? Scrutiny did not reveal to them
a single spot of blood beyond the space immediately beneath
the window. There the apparition seemed to
have received its wound, and then, by some mysterious means,

(27:10):
to have disappeared. At length, wearied with the
continued excitement, combined with want of sleep to which they
had been subjected, they returned to the hall.
Flora, with the exception of thealarm she experienced from the
firing of the pistol, had met with no disturbance, and that,
in order to spare her painful reflections, they told her, was

(27:32):
merely done as a precautionary measure, to proclaim to anyone
who might be lurking in the garden that the inmates of the
house were ready to defend themselves against any
aggression. Whether or not she believed this
kind deceit they knew not. She only sighed deeply and wept.
The probability is that she morethan suspected the vampire had

(27:53):
made another visit, but they forbore to press the point, and
leaving her with her mother, Henry and George went from her
chamber again, the former to endeavour to seek some repose,
as it would be his turn to watchon the succeeding night, and the
latter to resume his station in a small room close to Flora's
chamber, where it had been agreed watch and ward should be

(28:15):
kept by turns while the alarm lasted.
At length the morning again dawned upon that unhappy family,
and to none were it's beams morewelcome.
The birds sang their pleasant carols beneath the window, the
sweet, deep colored autumnal sunshone upon all objects with a

(28:35):
golden luster. And to look abroad upon the
beaming face of nature, no one could for a moment suppose,
except from sad experience, thatthere were such things as gloom,
misery, and crime upon the earth.
And must I? Said Henry, as he gazed from a
window of the hall upon the undulating park, the majestic

(28:56):
trees, the flowers, the shrubs, and the many natural beauties
with which the place was. Full Must I be chased from this
spot, the home of myself and my kindred by a phantom?
Must I indeed seek refuge elsewhere because my own home
has become hideous? It was indeed a cruel and a
painful thought. It was 1.

(29:17):
He yet would not, could not be convinced was absolutely
necessary. But now the sun was shining, it
was morning, and the feelings which found a home in his breast
amidst the darkness, the stillness, and the uncertainty
of night, which chased away by those glorious beams of sunlight
that fell upon hill, valley, andstream, and the 1000 sweet

(29:39):
sounds of life and animation that filled that sunny, Such a
revulsion of feeling was naturalenough.
Many of the distresses and mental anxieties of night vanish
with the night, and those which oppressed the heart of Henry
Bannerworth were considerably modified.
He was engaged in these reflections when he heard the

(30:00):
sound of the lodge bell, and as a visitor was now somewhat rare
at this establishment, he waitedwith some anxiety to see to whom
he was indebted for so early a call.
In the course of a few minutes one of the servants came to him
with a letter in her hand. It bore a large handsome seal,
and from its appearance would seem to have come from a

(30:22):
personage of consequence. A second glance at him showed
him the name of Varney in the corner, and with some degree of
vexation he muttered to himself.Another condoling epistle from
the troublesome neighbor whom I have not yet seen, if you
please, Sir. Said the servant who had brought
him the letter. As I'm here and as you're here,

(30:43):
perhaps you'll have no objectionto give me what I'm to have for
the day and two nights as I've been here 'cause I can't stay in
the family as is self familiar with all sorts of ghostesses.
I ain't used to such company. What do you mean?
Said Henry. The question was a superfluous
one too. Well, he knew what the woman

(31:03):
meant, and the conviction came across his mind strongly that no
domestic would consent to live long in the house which was
subject to such dreadful visitations.
What does I mean? Said the woman.
Why sad if it's all the same to you?
I don't myself come from a vampire family and I doubt
choose to remain in a house where such things is encouraged.

(31:25):
That's what I mean, Sir. What wages are owing to you?
Said Henry. Why, as to wages, I only come
here by the day. Go then, and settle with my
mother. The sooner you leave this house,
the better. Oh, indeed, On show.
I don't want to stay. This woman was one of those who
were always armed at all points.For a row.

(31:46):
And she had no notion of concluding any engagement or any
character whatever without some disturbance.
Therefore, to see Henry take what she said with such
provoking calmness was aggravating in the extreme.
But there was no help for such asource of vexation.
She could find no other ground of quarrel than what was
connected with the vampire, and as Henry would not quarrel with

(32:10):
her on such a score, she was compelled to give it up in
despair. When Henry found himself alone
and free from the annoyance of this woman, he turned his
attention to the letter he held in his hand, which, from the
autograph in the corner he knew came from his new neighbor, Sir
Francis Varney, whom by some chance or another, he had never

(32:30):
yet seen. To his great surprise, he found
that the letter contained the following words.
Dear Sir, as a neighbor by purchase of an estate contiguous
to your own, I am quite sure youhave excused and taken in good
part the cordial offer I made toyou of friendship and service

(32:51):
some short time since. But now, in addressing to you a
distinct proposition, I trust I shall meet with an indulgent
consideration whether such a proposition be accordant with
your views or not. What I have heard from common
Report induces me to believe that Banner with Hall cannot be

(33:12):
a desirable residence for yourself or your amiable sister.
If I am right in that conjecture, and you have any
serious thought of leaving the place, I would earnestly
recommend you, as one having some experience in such
descriptions of property, to sell it at once.

(33:32):
Now, the proposition with which I conclude this letter is, I
know of a character to make you doubt the disinterestedness of
such advice. But that it is disinterested,
nevertheless, is a fact of whichI can assure my own heart, and
of which I beg to assure you. I propose, then, should you,

(33:53):
upon consideration, decide upon such a course of proceeding, to
purchase of you the Hall. I do not ask for a bargain on
account of any extraneous circumstances which may at
present time depreciate the value of the property, but I am
willing to give a fair price forit.
Under these circumstances. I trust, Sir, that you will give

(34:16):
a kindly consideration to my offer, and even if you reject
it, I hope that as neighbors we may live on in peace and amity,
and in the interchange of those good officers which should
subsist between us. Awaiting your reply.
Believe me to be, dear Sir, yourvery obedient servant.
Francis Varney to Henry Banoworth, Esquire.

(34:40):
Henry after having read this most unobjectionable letter
through. Folded it up again and placed it
in his pocket, clasping his hands, then behind his back.
A favorite attitude of his when he was in deep contemplation.
He paced to and fro in the garden for some time in deep.
Thought How strange, he muttered.

(35:01):
It seems that every circumstancecombines to induce me to leave
my old ancestral home. It appears as if everything now
that happened had that direct tendency.
What can be the meaning of all this?
Tis very strange, amazingly strange.
Here arise circumstances which are enough to induce any man to
leave a particular place. Then a friend, in whose single

(35:23):
mindedness and judgement I know I can rely, advised that step.
And immediately upon the back ofthat comes a fair and candid
offer. There was an apparent connection
between all of these circumstances which much puzzled
Henry. He walked to and fro for nearly
an hour until he heard a hasty footstep approaching him.

(35:43):
And looking in the direction from whence it came, he saw Mr.
Marchdale. I will seek Marchdale's advice,
he said, upon this matter. I will hear what he says
concerning it. Henry said Marchdale when he
came sufficiently near to him for conversation.
Why do you remain here alone? I have received a communication

(36:04):
from our neighbor, Sir Francis Varney, said Henry.
Indeed it is here. Peruse it for yourself, and then
tell me, Marchdale, candidly, what you think of it.
I suppose, said Marchdale as he opened the letter.
It is another friendly note of condolence on the state of your
domestic affairs, which, I grieve to say from the prattling
of domestics whose tongue it is quite impossible to silence,

(36:27):
have become the food for gossip.All.
Over the neighboring villages, into states.
If anything could add another pang to those I have already
been made to suffer, said Henry,it would certainly arise from
being made the food of vulgar gossip.
But read the letter, Marchdale. You will find its contents of a
more important character than you anticipate.

(36:48):
Indeed, said Marchdale, as he ran his eyes eagerly over the
note. When he had finished it, he
glanced at Henry, who then said.Well, what is your opinion?
I know not what to say, Henry. You know that my own advice to
you had been to get rid of this place.
It has. With the hope that the.
Disagreeable affair connected with it now may remain connected

(37:10):
with it as a house and not with you and yours as a family.
It may be so there appears to meevery likelihood of it.
I do not. Know, said Henry with a shudder.
I must confess, Marchdale, that to my own perceptions it seems
more probable that the infliction we have experienced
from the strange visitor, who seems now resolved to pester us

(37:31):
with visits, will rather attach to a family than to a house.
The vampire may follow us. If so, of course the parting
with the whole would be a great pity and no gain.
None in the least. Henry, a thought has struck.
Me. Let's hear it, Marchdale.
It is this. Suppose you were to try the
experiment of leaving the hole without selling it.

(37:52):
Suppose for one year you were tolet it to someone, Henry, it
might be done, I And it might, and with very great promise and
candor, be proposed to this verygentleman, Sir Francis Varney,
to take it for one year to see how he likes it, before becoming
the possessor of it. Then if he found himself
tormented by the vampire, he need not complete the purchase.

(38:13):
Or if you found that the apparition followed you, hence
you might yourself return, feeling that perhaps here in the
spots familiar to your youth, you might be most happy even
under such circumstances as at present depress you most.
Happy, ejaculated Henry. Perhaps I should not have used
that word. I am sure you should not, said
Henry, when you speak of me. Well, let us hope that the time

(38:37):
may not be very far distant whenI may use the term happy as
applied to you, in the most conclusive and the strongest
manner it can be used. Oh, said Henry.
I will hope, but do not mock me with it now, Marchdale, I pray
you. Heaven forbid that I should mock
you. Well.
I do not believe that you are the man to do so to anyone.
But about the affair of the house distinctly, then, if I

(39:00):
were you, I would call upon Sir Francis Varney and make him an
offer to become the tenant of the hall for 12 months, during
which time you could go where you please and test the absence.
Riding you or not riding you, ofthe dreadful visitant who makes
the night here truly hedges. I will speak to my mother, to
George, and to my sister. Of the matter they shall decide.

(39:21):
Mr. Marchdale now strove in every possible manner to raise
the spirits of Henry Bannerworth, by painting to him
the future in far more ragent colors than the present, and
endeavoring to induce a belief in his mind that a short period
of time might, after all, replace in his mind, and in the
minds of those who are naturallyso dear to him, all their wanted
serenity. Henry, although he felt not much

(39:44):
comfort from these kindly efforts, yet could feel
gratitude to him who made them. And after expressing such a
feeling to Marchdale in strong terms, he repaired to the house
in order to hold a solemn consultation with those whom he
felt ought to be consulted, as well as himself, as to what
steps ought to be taken with regard to the hall.

(40:05):
The proposition, or rather the suggestion, which had been made
by Marchdale upon the proposition of Sir Francis
Varney, was in every respect so reasonable and just, that it
met, as was to be expected, withthe concurrence of every member
of the family. Flora's cheeks almost resumed
some of their wanted color at the mere thought now of leaving

(40:25):
that home to which she had at one time being so much attached.
Yes, dear Henry, she said, let us leave here if you are
agreeable to do so, and in leaving this house we will
believe that we leave behind us a world of terror.
Flora remarked Henry in a tone of slight reproach.
If you were so anxious to leave Bannowyth Hall, why did you not

(40:46):
say so before this proposition came from other mouths, you know
your feelings upon such a subject would have been laws to
me. I knew you were attached to the
old house. Said Flora.
And besides, events have come upon us all with such fearful
rapidity, there has scarcely been time to think True, true.
And you will leave Henry? I will call upon Sir Francis

(41:09):
Varney myself and speak to him upon the subject.
A new impetus to existence appeared now to come over the
whole family at the idea of leaving a place which always
would be now associated in theirminds with so much terror.
Each member of the family felt happier and breathed more freely
than before, so that the change which had come over them seemed

(41:30):
almost magical. And Charles Holland, too, was
much better pleased, and he whispered to Flora, Dear Flora,
you will now surely no longer talk of driving from you the
honest heart that loves you. Hush, Charles, hush, she said.
Meet me in an hour hence in the garden, and we will talk of
this. That hour will seem an.
Age, He said Henry, now having made a determination to see Sir

(41:55):
Francis Varney, lost no time in putting it into execution.
At Mr. Marchdale's own request he took him with him, as it was
desirable to have a third personpresent in the sort of business
negotiation which was going on. The estate, which had been so
recently entered upon by the person calling himself Sir
Francis Varney, and which CommonReport said he had purchased,

(42:19):
was a small but complete property and situated so close
to the grounds connected with Bannerworth Hall.
That a short. Walk soon placed Henry and Mr.
Marchdale before the residence of this gentleman, who had shown
so kindly a feeling towards the Bannerworth family.
Have you seen Sir Francis Larney?
Asked Henry of Mr. Marchdale as he rung the gate bell.

(42:41):
I have not. Have you?
No, I never saw him. It is rather awkward are both
being absolute strangest to his person.
We can but send in our names, however, and from the great vein
of courtesy that runs through his letter, I have no doubt we
shall receive the most gentlemanly reception from him.
The servant in handsome livery appeared at the iron gates which

(43:03):
opened upon a lawn at the front of Sir Francis Varney's house,
and to this domestic Henry Bannerworth handed his card,
upon which he had written in pencil likewise the name of Mr.
Marchdale. If your master, he said, is
within, we shall be glad to see him.
Sir Francis is at home, Sir, wasthe reply, although not very

(43:24):
well. If you will be pleased to walk
in, I will announce you to him. Henry and Marchdale followed the
man into a handsome enough reception room where they were
desired to wait until their names were announced.
Do you know if this gentleman bea baronet?
Said Henry. Or a knight.
Merely I do not. I never saw him in my life, or

(43:45):
heard of him before he came intothis neighborhood, and I have
been too much occupied with the painful occurrences of this
whole, to know anything of our neighbors.
I dare say Mr. Chillingworth, ifwe had thought to ask him, would
have known something concerning him.
No doubt This brief colloquy wasput an end to by the servant who
said. My master gentleman is not very

(44:07):
well, but he begs me to present his best compliments, and to say
he is much gratified with your visit, and will be happy to see
you in his study. Henry and Marchdale followed the
man up a flight of stone stairs,and they were then conducted
through a large apartment into asmaller one.
There was very little light in this small room, but at the

(44:30):
moment of their entrance a tall man, who was seated, rose, and
touching the spring of a blind which was to the window, it was
up in a moment, admitting a broad glare of light.
A cry of surprise mingled with terror came from Henry
Bannerwerth's lip. The original of the portrait on
the panel stood before him. There was the lofty stature, the

(44:54):
long, sallow face, the slightly projecting teeth, the dark,
lustrous although somewhat sombre eyes, the expression of
the features. All were alike.
Are you unwell, Sir? Said Sir Francis Varney in soft,
mellow accents, as he handed a chair to the bewildered Henry.

(45:15):
God of Heaven, said Henry. How like you seem surprised,
Sir. Have you ever seen me before?
Sir Francis drew himself up to his full height and cast a
strange glance upon Henry, whoseeyes were riveted upon his face
as if with a species of fascination which he could not
resist. Marchdale.

(45:36):
Henry gasped. Marchdale, my friend, Marchdale
I I am surely mad Hush. Be calm, whispered Marchdale.
Calm, calm. Can you not see Marchdale?
Is this a dream? Look, Look.
Oh, look. For God's sake, Henry, compose
yourself. Is your friend often thus?

(45:56):
Said Sir Francis Varney, with the same mellifluous tone which
seemed habitual with him. No, Sir, he is not.
But recent circumstances have shattered his nerves, and, to
tell the truth, you bear so strong a resemblance to an old
portrait in his house that I do not wonder so much as I
otherwise should at his agitation.
Indeed, a resemblance, said Henry.

(46:18):
A resemblance, God of heaven, Itis the face itself.
You much surprise me, said Sir Francis.
Henry sunk into the chair which was near him, and he trembled
violently. The rush of painful thoughts and
conjectures that came through his mind was enough to make
anyone tremble. Is this the vampire?
Was the horrible question that seemed impressed upon his very

(46:41):
brain and letters of flame. Is this the vampire?
Are you better, Sir? Said Sir Francis Varney in his
bland musical voice. Shall I order a refreshment for
you? No, no, gasped Henry.
For the love of truth, tell us, is is your name really Varney?
Sir. Have you no other name to which

(47:03):
perhaps a better title you couldurge, Mr. Bannerworth, I can
assure you that I am too proud of the name of the family to
which I belong to exchange it for any other, be it what it
may. How wonderfully like I grieve to
see you so much distressed, Mr. Bannerworth.
I presume ill health has thus shattered your nerves.

(47:24):
Ill health has not done the work.
I know not what to say, Sir Francis Varney to you.
But recent events in my family have made the sight of you full
of horrible conjectures. What mean you, Sir?
You know from common report thatwe have had a fearful visitor at
our house. A vampire, I have heard, said
Sir Francis Varney with a bland and almost beautiful smile which

(47:46):
displayed his white glistening teeth to perfection.
Yes, a vampire, and, and I pray you go on, Sir, you surely are
above the vulgar superstition ofbelieving in such matters.
My judgement is assailed in too many ways and shapes for it to
hold out, probably as it ought to do against so hideous A
belief. But never was it so much

(48:08):
bewildered as now. Why so?
Because, nay, Henry whispered Mr. Marchdale, it is scarcely
civil to tell Sir Francis to hisface that he resembles a
vampire. I must, I must pray, Sir,
interrupted Varney to Marchdale.Permit Mr. Bannerworth to speak
carefreely. There is nothing in the whole

(48:29):
world I so much admire as candor.
Then you so much resemble the vampire, added Henry.
That that I know not what to think.
Is it possible it is a damning fact?
Well, it's unfortunate for me, Ipresume.
Ah, Varney gave a twinge of pain, as if some sudden bodily

(48:49):
ailment had attacked him severely.
You are unwell, Sir, said Marchdale.
No, no, no, he said. I hurt my arm and happened
accidentally to touch the arm ofthis chair with it.
I hurt, said Henry. Yes, Mr. Bannerworth.
Oh, a wound. Yes, a wound, but not much more

(49:10):
than skin deep. In fact, a little.
Beyond an abrasion of the skin, may I inquire how you came by
it? Oh yes, yes, a slight fall.
Indeed, remarkable, is it not very remarkable?
We never know a moment when fromsome most trifling, 'cause we
may receive some serious bodily hurt.
How true it is, Mr. Bannerworth,that in the midst of life we are

(49:33):
in death. And equally true, perhaps, said
Henry, that in the midst of death there may be found a
horrible life. Well, I should not wonder.
There really are so many strangethings in the world that I have
left off wondering at anything. Now there are strange things,
said Henry. You wish to purchase of me the
hall, Sir, If you wish to sell you, you are perhaps attached to

(49:58):
the place. Perhaps you recollected it, Sir,
long ago. Not very long, smiled Sir
Frances Varney. It seems a nice, comfortable old
house, and the grounds, too, appear to be amazingly well
wooded, which, to one of rather a romantic temperament like
myself, is always an additional charm to a place.
I was extremely pleased with it the first time I beheld it, In a

(50:21):
desire to call myself the owner of it took possession of my
mind. The scenery is remarkable for
its beauty, and from what I haveseen of it is rarely to be
excelled. No doubt you are greatly
attached to it. It has been my home from
infancy, returned Henry, and being also the residents of my
ancestors for centuries, it is natural that I should be so

(50:43):
true. True, the House no doubt has
suffered much, said Henry, within the last 100 years.
No doubt it has. 100 years is a tolerable long space of time,
you know. It is indeed.
Oh, how any human life which hasspun out to such an extent must
lose its charms by losing all its fondest and dearest

(51:03):
associations. Ah, how true, said Sir Francis
Varney. He had some minutes previously,
touched a bell and at this moment a servant brought in on a
tray some wine and refreshments.That's it for today's little

(51:23):
bite from Varney the Vampire. Now, unlike the other dreadfuls,
we're dereking through Varney the Vampire like Sweeney Todd, I
know pretty well, having published annotated editions of
both of these stories for pulp lit productions.
Consequently, I know certain things about the characters in
this chapter that you probably don't yet, and probably won't

(51:44):
until at least chapter 50 or so.Which means it's going to be
kind of hard for me to do these commentaries without risking
dropping a spoiler on you. But that said, here they are
back at Bannerworth Hall, and Henry and Mr. Marchdale are
going to keep their tentative information of Sir Francis
Varney as the Vampire a secret. I wonder how long that will last

(52:05):
coming next week. Well, we're going to meet some
new characters, and those characters are going to be the
most important members of the Good Guys team.
Frankly, they're kind of a breath of fresh air, and you'll
see what I mean when you meet them.
That will be Admiral Bell and Jack Pringle.
Now, Admiral Bell is Charles Holland's uncle, and he has been

(52:25):
brought to town by a note that someone forged the name of a
local solicitor 2 warning that Holland is in danger of being
ensnared by a vampire and requires immediate rescue.
We'll see how that turns out, but I think I can advise you
without dispensing any spoilers that the person who thought
calling Admiral Bell in on the deal to try to get Charles

(52:46):
Holland away from Flora Banoworth miscalculated badly.
Oh, by the way, Admiral Bell is a retired Royal Navy officer and
Jack Pringle is a basic Jack Tarsailor.
We'll meet them next time. So what's a fizzog?
That's Sir Francis Vaughn. He's got the queerest fizzog
I've ever been afflicted by. I wouldn't want to save them.

(53:08):
Tim Colored ogre. There's a peeping through my
window of a night. Fizzog is one of a number of
flash can't words for face. Pretty clearly it's derived from
fizziognomy. Other words for the face include
frontispiece, title page, Remember title page a little
later, index, and mug. Queer was a general purpose word
for bad in flash. Can't with an implication of

(53:29):
strangeness. Look at negatively inflected
version of weird Oglers, of course, are eyes.
Well, that puts our favorite vampire back into his sleeping
coffin for the evening. At least.
My favorite vampire. I don't know about yours.
You may be. You may be Team Edward.
Anyway, that means it's time to Polish off our night's readings

(53:50):
with a chapter from The String of Pearls or The Barber of Fleet
St. starring, of course, SweeneyTodd.
This delicious dreadful, which is almost everyone's favorite,
started its publication run in 1847 and was, if you ask me,
author James Malcolm Reimer's masterpiece for Flash Can't
time. Let's unpack the terms I used in

(54:10):
the introductory patter at the top of this episode.
I wish to tip Top Evening to allyou hop merchants and gin
spinners and nights of the brushand moon.
I said I was known among the cakey flats and town toddlers of
Old Saint Dunstan's parish as Professor Flash.
I urged you to give your stumps a little holiday and rest your
flankies and put your hooves up on the table and top off a

(54:32):
bumper with good red Thunder. Wet your other eye and swivel
your title page my way. There's that title page again
for another noggin of moonshine.And I mentioned that the fancy
story papers cost a whole grunter, but the cheap scrappy
ones you can pick up for a couple mags.
Now I know you know most of these, but I'll unpack them all
after the reading. Speaking of the reading, what

(54:55):
happened last week? Well, in chapter 51 of Sweeney
Todd, Sir Richard Blunt met up late at night with some
authorities from Saint Dunstan'sChurch for an after hours
exploration of the vaults below with an eye towards solving the
mystery of the horrid smell thathad been filling the church.
These vaults were, of course, tenanted with the dead, but no

(55:16):
one had been buried in one for the previous 30 years, so they
could hardly be the source of the odor now.
But Sir Richard seemed to think he knew, and acted as if the
expedition wasn't so much about the exploration of the vaults as
it was about confirming a theory.
He has. And today we'll find out if he
was right, starting right now. Chapter 52.

(55:42):
The descent to the vaults. Sir Richard commenced the
descent. Come on, he said.
Come on. He got down about half a dozen
steps, but finding that no one followed him, he paused and
called out. Remember that time is precious.
Come on, why don't you go? Said the church warden to the

(56:03):
Beadle. Why me go afore a blessed church
warden? Convulsions know I finks, and I
oops, I knows my place better well upon this occasion, if I
don't mind it. No, no, I could not.
Convulsions, No. Ah, said Sir Richard Blunt, I

(56:25):
see how it is. I shall have to do all this
business alone, and a pretty report I shall make to the
Secretary of State about the proceedings of the authorities
of Saint Dunstan's. The church warden groaned.
I'm a coming, Sir Richard. I'm a coming.
Oh, dear. I'll tell you what it is, Mr.
Beadle, if you don't follow me in close to well, have you

(56:47):
dismissed as sure as eggs? As eggs.
Kenwalshans. Kenwalshans.
I'm a comin. The church warden descended the
stairs and the Beadle followed him.
Down, down they went, guided by the dim light of the torch
carried by Sir Richard, who had not waited for them after the
last words he had spoken. Can you fetch your blessed

(57:10):
breath, Sir? Said the Beadle.
Hardly, said the church warden, gasping.
It is a dreadful place. Oh, yes, yes, stop, stop, Sir
Richard. Sir Richard.
There was no reply. The light from the torch grew
more and more indistinct as Sir Richard Blunt increased his

(57:30):
distance from them, and at length they were in profound
darkness. I can't stand this.
Cried the church warden, and he faced about to ascend to the
church again. In his effort to do so quickly
he reached out his hand and seized the Beadle by the ankle.
And as that personage was not quite so firm upon his legs as
might be desired, the effort of this sudden assault was to upset

(57:53):
him, and he rolled over upon thechurch warden with a force that
brought them both sprawling to the bottom of the little
staircase together. Luckily they had not far to
fall, for they had not been morethan six or eight steps from the
bottom of the little flight. Terror and consternation for a
few moments deprived each of them of the power of speech.

(58:13):
The Beadle, however, was the first to recover, and he in a
stentorian voice. Called.
Murder, Murder. Then the church warden joined in
the cries, and they buffeted each other in vain efforts to
rise, each impeding the other toa degree that rendered it a
matter of impossibility for either of them to get to their
feet. Mr. Vickley, who was waiting in

(58:36):
the church above with no small degree of anxiety for the report
from below, heard these sounds of contention and calls for help
with mingled horror. He at once made a rush to the
door of the church, and no doubtwould have endangered the
success of all Sir Richard Blunt's plans if he had not been
caught in the arms of a tall, stout man upon the very
threshold of the church door. Help Murder Who are you?

(59:00):
Crochet They calls me and crochets me.
Name London me Birthplace as you're in the same Walser row.
Calicon Cali Constable. There's blue murder going on in
the vaults below. The devil there is just you.
Get in there, will you? And don't you stir for your
life, old fellow. So saying, Mr. Crotchett, who

(59:22):
knew the importance of secrecy in the whole transaction, and
who had been purposely awaiting for Sir Richard Blunt, thrust
Vickly into a Pew and slammed the door of it shut down, fell
the overseer to the floor, paralyzed with terror.
And then Mr. Crotchett at once proceeded to the opening in the
floor of the church, and descended without a moment's
hesitation. Hello, he cried as he alighted

(59:45):
to the bottom of the stairs uponthe churchwarden's back.
Hello, Sir Richard, where are you Here.
Said a voice, and the torch nearly extinguished.
Sir Richard Blunt made his appearance from the passage.
Who is there? Crotchet?
It is indeed. Why?
What brought you here? What?
A row. Why?
What's all this? You are standing upon somebody.

(01:00:07):
Why? Bless my heart, it's.
Out went the torch. Fire, help, Murder.
Shouted the beetle. I'm being suffocated, oh,
convulsions, ears, a death for abeetle, murder, robbery, fire.
Oh, oh, oh, the church warden groaned awfully.

(01:00:29):
Ascend and get a light, said SirRichard.
Quick crotchet quick. God only knows what is the
matter with all these people. Both Crotchett and Sir Richard
Blunt scrambled over the bodies of the church warden and the
Beadle, and soon reached the church.
The church warden made a desperate effort, and shaking
himself free of the Beadle, he ascended likewise and rolled

(01:00:50):
into a Pew, upon the floor of which he sat looking a little
deranged. If you don't come up.
Said Sir Richard, directing his voice down the staircase.
We will replace the stone, and you may bid a dear to the world
convulsions. Roared the Beadle.
Do no don't convulsions. Up he tumbled with the most

(01:01:11):
marvellous celebrity, and rolledinto the church, never stopping
until he was brought up the steps in front of the communion
table, and there he lay panting and glaring about him, having
left his cocked hat in the regions below.
Sir Richard Blunt looked ghastlypale, which, Crotchet,
observing, induced him to take asmall flask from his pocket

(01:01:32):
filled with choice Brandy, whichhe handed to his chief.
Thank you, said Sir Richard. The magistrate took a draft, and
then he handed it to the church warden as he said.
Oh, fill it again. OL's right.
The church warden took a pull atthe Brandy, and then the Beadle
was allowed to finish it. They were both wonderfully

(01:01:52):
recovered. Oh, Sir Richard, said the church
warden. What have you seen?
Nothing particular, indeed. No, you can have the stone
replaced as soon as you like, over the opening to the vaults.
And you have seen nothing, said the Beadle.
Nothing to speak of. If you have any doubts or any

(01:02:12):
curiosity, you can easily satisfy yourself.
There's the opening. Pray descend.
You see I have escaped, so it cannot be very dangerous to do
so. I will not myself go again, but
I will wait for either of you ifyou please.
And now, gentlemen, go, and you will be able to make your own
discoveries. Me, cried the bead on me.

(01:02:33):
Oh convulsions I finks I seize me not.
I said the churchwarden. Cover it up.
Cover it up. I don't want to go down.
I would not do so for 1000 lbs. The covert smiles upon the lips
of Sir Richard Blunt as he heardthis, and he added very well.
I have no objection of course toits being covered up, and I

(01:02:55):
think the least that is said about it will be the better, no
doubt of that. Said the church warden.
Coon Wolstens, Yes, said the beetle.
If I was only quite as sure all my ribs was whole, I shouldn't
mind, but somebody stood atop ofme for a good quarter of an
hour, I'm sure. Some of the workmen now began to

(01:03:16):
arrive, and Sir Richard Blunt pointed to them, as he said to
the church warden. Then the stone can be replaced
without any difficulty now. And, Sir, let me caution you
again to say nothing about what has passed here today.
Not a word, Not a word, if you fancy someone stood upon your
ribs, Mr. Beato, I am quite suresomebody did upon mine.

(01:03:37):
The. Workmen were now directed to
replace the stone in its former position.
That was completely done and some mortar pressed into the
crevices. Sir Richard Blunt gave a signal
to Crotchet to follow him and they both left the church
together. No, Crotchet, understand me all
Troy, said. Crotchet.
No one for the future is to be shaved in Sweeney Todd's shop

(01:04:00):
alone. Alone.
Yes, you will associate with King Morgan and Godfrey.
I will stand all necessary expenses and one or the other of
you will always follow whoever goes into the shop and there
wait until he comes out again. Make what excuses you like.
Manage it how you will, but onlyremember Todd is never again to

(01:04:20):
have a customer all to himself. Humph.
Why do you say Humph? Oh, nothing particular.
Only hadn't we better grab him at once?
No, he has an accomplice or accomplices, and their discovery
is most important. I don't like to do things by
halves, crotchet, and so long asI know that no mischief will
result from a little delay, and it will not if you obey my

(01:04:41):
instructions, I think it better to wait.
Very good. Go at once, then, and get your
brother officers, and remember that nothing is to withdraw you
and their attention from this piece of business.
All's right, you know, Sir Richard, you have only to say
what's to be done, and it's as good as done.
Told me. Shave now as many people as he
likes, but I don't think you'll Polish him off in his old way

(01:05:04):
quite so easy. That's right.
Good day. When shall I see you, Sir
Richard? About sunset.
By the time this little conversation was over, Sir
Richard Blunt and Crochett had got through Temple Bar and they
parted, Crotchett taking his wayback to Fleet Street and Sir
Richard Blunt walking hastily toDowning St.

(01:05:24):
When he got there he entered theofficial residence of the
Secretary of State for the Home Department, and being well known
to the clerk, he was at once conducted into a little room
carefully hung around with Crimson cloth, so as to deaden
the sound of any voices that might be raised in it.
In the course of a few minutes asmall door was opened, and a
shabby looking man entered with a hesitating expression upon his

(01:05:45):
face. Uh, Sir Richard Blunt, he said.
Is that you? Yes, your Lordship.
And if you are disengaged for a few minutes, I have something to
communicate some new plot. Confound those Jacobin rascals.
Footnote Apparently in error. The Jacobins and the French
Revolution, in which they playedso prominent a part, were still

(01:06:08):
several years in the future, in 1785 when this story was set.
At the time this story was written in the 1840s, Jacobin
was commonly used in England as a disparaging reference to
progressive or anti monarchy activists and a footnote.
No, my Lord, the affair is quitedomestic and social, it has no

(01:06:30):
shade of politics about it. The look of interest which the
face of the Secretary had assumed was gone in a moment,
but still he could not very wellnow refuse to hear what Sir
Richard Blunt had to say, and the conversation lasted 1/4 of
an hour. At its termination, as Sir
Richard was leaving the room, the Secretary said, Oh yes, of
course. Take full discretionary powers,

(01:06:52):
and the Home Office will pay allexpenses.
I never heard of such a thing inmy life.
Nor I, my Lord, it's really horrible.
It is Even so far as we know already, and yet I think there
is much more to learn. I shall, of course, communicate
to your Lordship anything that transpires.
Certainly, certainly a good day.Sir Richard Blunt left the

(01:07:13):
Secretary of State and proceededto his own residence, and while
he is there making some alterations in his dress, we may
as well take a glance at Crotchett and see what that
energetic but somewhat eccentricindividual is about.
After parting with Sir Richard Blunt at Temple Bar, he walked
up Fleet Street upon Sweeney Todd's side of the way, until he
overtook a man with a pair of spectacles on and a stoop in his

(01:07:36):
gate, as though age had crept upon him.
Kang said. Crotchett.
All right, said the spectacled old gentleman in a firm voice.
What's the news? A long job, I think.
Where's Morgan? On the other side of the way.
Well, just listen to me as we walk along and if you see him,
beckon him over to us. As they walked along, Crotchet

(01:07:57):
told King what the orders of SirRichard Blunt were and they were
soon joined by Morgan. The other officer, Godfrey, who
had been mentioned by the magistrate, was sent for.
No, said Cratchit. Here we are, four of us, and so
you see, we can take it two and two for four hours a stretch, as
long as this confounded barber'sshop keeps open.

(01:08:17):
But, said Morgan, he will suspect something.
Well, we can't help that. It's quite clear he smugs the
people and all we have to do is prevent him from smugging any
more of them, you see? Well, well, we must do the best
we can. Exactly.
So now keep a broad lookout an eye.
Oh, we have been in enough rum adventures to be able to get the

(01:08:38):
better of a rascally Barbara. I should.
Think lookout. Lookout.
There's somebody going in now. Well, that finishes off our
reading from Sweeney Todd, our Beetle and church warden.
Gave us some pretty nice Comic Relief there, didn't they?

(01:08:59):
This would be rather a fun chapter to make a short film of,
me thinks. Luckily, Crotchet comes to the
rescue with his little flask of Brandy.
And then Sir Richard is going tobe coy about it, I guess.
Nothing to see. All's right.
Replace a stone. Want to run downstairs and check
it out real quick? No.
OK, great. Then the workmen are suddenly
there in the middle of the night, cooling their heels and

(01:09:20):
waiting for instructions. OK guys, put the floor back
down. OK, I like the instructions to
crotch it though. I'm going to lay a little trap,
see if we can catch all the bad guys rather than just the
Barber. Well, we'll see how it goes, but
I can't help but think Sir Richard is putting rather a lot
of faith in his boys and and in fate.
This may be a spoiler, but they are going to screw up at least

(01:09:44):
once. Sweeney Todd can look forward to
polishing off at least one more victim, maybe 2, in his Barber
chair in spite of the officer's efforts.
Also, he'll get in an additionalmurder on the road.
Is that acceptable collateral damage for the delay?
How many unnecessary bodies is Missus Lovett's capture worth
anyway? I'll have more to say about this

(01:10:07):
after Johanna Oakley goes and disguises herself to take a job
as Todd's apprentice boy, and that's coming up a couple
chapters from now. Meanwhile, what comes next?
Well, we're going to circle backto Johanna, who is still pining
for the fiance who she thinks Todd polished off.
She goes to see Arabella, Wilmot, and the 2 girls go to
walk around Fleet St. Johanna seems determined to see

(01:10:30):
Sweeney Todd for herself, an undertaking that Arabella
considers pretty dangerous. And I guess she's probably
right. We'll see how her quest develops
in the next chapter. Well, that wraps up our readings
for this week. I hope you enjoyed them as much
as I did. But before we nizzle off though,
what did all that flash patter mean at the top of the episode?

(01:10:51):
Well, hot merchants are dancing teachers, gin spinners are the
keepers of gin shops. And by now, of course, you know
what a night of the brush and moon is.
A drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to
stagger home. Cakey flats are a bit
complicated. Flats are what we call today.
Suckers and cakes are silly stupid fellows.

(01:11:12):
The reference is to cake being made of soft fluffy dough.
And town toddlers are basically also flats.
Easy marks taken in by sharpers at play.
I urged you to give your stumps a little holiday.
Your stumps are your legs. Rest your flankies, which is
your buttocks, and put your hooves up on the table.
Red Thunder is Brandy wet. Your other eye means take

(01:11:33):
another drink. And we just talked about your
title page. As you'll recall, moonshine
meant fanciful nonsense. I mentioned that the fancy story
papers cost a whole grunter. A grunter is a shilling, also
known as a Bender, a Bob, a hog,a peg, a she lion, or a 12, uh,
shillings, being, of course, worth 12 pence.
I mentioned that the story papers we favor cost only a

(01:11:55):
couple mags. A mag is a hapeny halfpenny,
also called a copper, a mopus, or a Tony.
For some reason there are more fun slang terms for hate knees
than pennies. The only slang for penny I know
is win, which seems a pretty lame name.
So I went with two mags rather than one win for this bit of
patter. Well, that's all for tonight, my
nabs. I do hope you will join me again

(01:12:18):
next week. Same spring healed time, same
spring healed channel for the next Penny Dreadful Story show.
Next week's show will be an 1860s edition, bringing with it
a fearsome foursome of additional tales from the later
years of the Penny Dreadful Story Papers era.
After the moral tone of Queen Victoria had started to really
be felt on the streets and in the stories too that were being

(01:12:42):
supplied for St. Urchins and working Londoners to
read. We've got Black Bess or The
Night of the Road starring highwayman Dick Turpin by Edward
Viles. We've got The Black Band or The
Companions of Midnight, an international espionage
sensation story that was a wholegenre back then, sensation
stories by Mary Elizabeth Bradden.

(01:13:03):
We've got Springhill Jack, The Terror of London, which is
basically the original VictorianBatman character chronicled by
Edward Coats. And finally, we've got honestly
my favorite penny dreadful of all time.
I like it even better than Sweeney Todd, Rose Mortimer, or
The Ballet Girl's Revenge, whichis subtitled The Romance and

(01:13:24):
Reality of a Pretty Actress's Life Behind the Scenes and
Before the Curtain by an author who identifies himself only as a
comedian of the Theater Royale, Drury Lane.
So, yeah, here's what we got to look forward to in those four
dreadfuls. In Chapter 14 of Black Bess,
Dick will bring Sir Theodore Houghton up to the thieves
Rookery in an obscure house in Soho, and they'll set up a kind

(01:13:48):
of a kangaroo court to try him. One of the other thieves gives
evidence, he having once been Sir T's law clerk until he was
foolish enough to fall in love with the magistrate's daughter.
Naturally, Sir Theodore didn't fancy the idea of his daughter
marrying A lowly law clerk. What do you suppose he did about
it? Well, we'll find out in the next

(01:14:08):
chapter, but the fact that the clerk is now a wanted criminal
and a member of the family mightgive you some idea that it was
nothing good. In Chapter 14 of the Black Band,
we see Lord Lionel Brothers Banecoming on to Lolota Vizzini, the
star of the ballet. Clearly he has marked her out as
his rebound girl. Then we cut to, well, the girl

(01:14:30):
he's rebounding from, Lady EdithVandalur, now Lady Edith Merton,
in her boudoir at her rich husband's Park Lane house.
She's sitting there feeling sorry for herself and who should
show up but Colonel Bertrand. Yes, indeed, Mephistopheles
himself, he says. He's there on Lord Lionel's

(01:14:51):
behalf. And then, as if casually
changing the subject to a whollyunrelated topic, he asks her,
oh, by the way, has your new husband gotten around to making
a will, leaving all his money toyou yet?
She says yes, he has. So he asks her if she would take
one bold, audacious step to freeherself from this odious

(01:15:11):
marriage and take her place as Marchioness of Willoughby.
Well, will she? We shall see you, but I bet you
can guess, if you've been following this story, what she's
going to say in chapter 14 of Spring Healed Jack.
We return to Spring Healed Jack plunging into the dark, filthy
waters of the Thames in a quest to save poor Ellen Folder from

(01:15:34):
the consequences of her rash actin leaping to her death.
He comes to the surface and finds the title current is
fierce. He strikes out in search of the
girl. He sees her.
She's about to get sucked under a barge that's moored in the
stream, but he reaches her a moment too late to avoid being
sucked under the barge himself. He grabs it and climbs a board.

(01:15:55):
Then he hears Ellen calling on the other side of the barge.
She's been drawn all the way through and out the other side,
so he hurries to the other side of the barge.
But there's a guard on the bargewho thinks he's a thief.
Will he reach the poor drowning girl in time to save her life?
TuneIn next week, and we shall see.
In Chapter 3 of Rose Mortimer, my current favorite Dreadful

(01:16:18):
Rose goes back to the theater totry to talk her way into a
showbiz job. Just as she is being repulsed by
apparently the last time Jack Halliday appears and Squires her
to the manager's door past the screeners.
She is conveyed into the manager's presence.
The manager is there with another man in the room and he
tells her to get lost. But just then the other man

(01:16:40):
turns around and hey, it's CountLerno.
Count Lerno, of course, urges the manager to take Rose on.
The manager does. As Rose is leaving, she tells
Jack Halliday of her good fortune and he is delighted, but
warns her don't trust Count Lerno.
Sounds like solid advice to me. Back home, Rose sees evil Parson

(01:17:01):
Abel Booth leaving her house door.
Entering, she asks her father what Abel was doing there and
Hugh realizes Abel was spying onhim.
Hugh clearly knows some kind of showdown is coming and he blames
Rose for it. It is your namby pamby modesty
that has brought this evil down on me.
Apparently she was supposed to allow Abel Booth to ravish her

(01:17:23):
on the previous day, and he is now angry because she did not.
Now, looking out the window, he sees Abel Booth and two other
men on the sidewalk looking up at.
Them. Hugh knows this means the hour
has come, so he orders Rose up into her room and locks her in
and gets an old fashioned pistolout of a hidden cubby in the
floor. A showdown is about to happen.

(01:17:43):
Will he survive it? If he does not, will she TuneIn
next week and we'll find out allthat plus some new flash.
Can't. Words are coming your way next
Saturday Eve. Our theme music is a track
called Night Radiance by Maxim Cornishev.
You can find more of Maxim's work on Spotify, Apple Music,
Band Camp and probably some other places too.

(01:18:06):
Surname is spelled KORNYSHE. V.
The Penny Dreadful Story Hour isa production of Pulp Lit
Studios. For all those gory details, look
to pulp-lit.com or to get in touch with me hit me up at
finn@pulp-lit.com. Thanks again for joining me
Pippins. It is time for us to hop the

(01:18:28):
twig and mizzle off into the sunset.
Well, the sun probably went downa long time ago by the time
you're listening to this, but you get the idea.
So for the Penny Dreadful story,our I am Professor Flash AKA
Finn JD John signing off now fair 4th and fill up the rest of
the week with all that is the Tippy.
Bye now.

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031: Trapped in the Murderers' House! — Is This the Vampire? — The Vaults Give Up their Secrets — plus more flash-cant words!

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}031: Trapped in the Murderers' House! — Is This the Vampire? — The Vaults Give Up their Secrets — plus more flash-cant words!