2.12: Evil Count Lerno makes his move! — The titled hustlers move in on Richard Markham. — The door-knocker pirates at play! — And sundry flash terms, spicy songs, etc.etc. - The Penny Dreadful Hour: A Feast of Early-Victorian Street Literature and Stories

Episode Transcript
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(00:09):
A tip top evening to all you nabobs, rum droppers and nights
of the brush and moon. I'm your host Finn JD John
welcoming you back to the chafing crib.
It's Sunday night and that meansit's time once again for the
Penny Dreadful Variety Hour. So slip off your surplus
toggery, top off your tankards and prick up your lugs because

(00:31):
another rare old hour long noggin of early Victorian
prattery is upon us like evil Count Lerno on a new ballet
girl. The Penny Dreadful Variety Hour
is the show that carries you back to the sooty, foggy streets
of early Victorian London when the latest batch of the story
papers hit the streets. Not those fancy ones full of

(00:51):
sketches by boss and comments about Parliament, but the cheap,
scrappy ones that cost a penny and that the beaks and town
tabbies call penny bloods or penny dreadfuls.
That's right, the good stuff, the stories of the streets.
It may not have been high art, but everyday people paid money
to get it. The Penny Dreadful Variety Show
comes out three times a week now.

(01:11):
This is the full hour long main Sunday night episode of the
Penny Dreadful Variety Show, which I keep clean enough for
everyone to appreciate. And if you're here for some old
English ghost stories and Nuggets of oculture, this is
where you'll. Find them if we've got them.
If you're here for the spicy bits, well, as spicy as we get
around here. Body Song Lyrics is about as

(01:32):
porny as we get, but you'll findthem what we've got in our
Tuesday tupany terrible Demi hour shows.
And for all you Victorian age murder Reno's you will find the
murder and war crime and deeds Oh Blood safely ensconced in the
hapony horrid half hour episodesthat drop like a scraggable Cove
at Newgate every Thursday night real quick.

(01:53):
Nabobs were VIPs who made their fortune abroad and moved back
home to Old Blighty to enjoy it.Rum droppers were vintners,
Toggery was clothing, lugs meantears, beaks were magistrates,
and town tabbies were crusty oldladies.
Well, here's what we've got in store for tonight.
We'll start things off with a ghostly palate cleanser, An

(02:14):
article from the terrific Register, a truly dreadful and
salacious publication full of murders and ghost stories from
the 1820s, which was a regular weekly favorite of Charles
Dickens when he was a young lad.On Sundays such as today, we
look for the spooky stuff from The Register, leaving the
gruesome death for the next tape.
New horrid Hers Day episode. After that, we'll get Chapter 5

(02:36):
of Rose Mortimer or The Ballet Girl's Revenge by an anonymous
theater actor, and it first started publication in 1865.
In this one, we'll see Rose Mortimer as a rising star in the
ballet. Her great triumph is as Goddess
of mourning in a Christmas show,after which Count Lerno
approaches her, telling her he has a message from her father

(02:58):
and offering to take her to him.She hesitates, distrusting him.
Then Jack Halladay comes into view.
So the Count seizes her, bundlesher into the carriage, and
gallops away with her into the night.
Is he really taking her to her father, or has he something more
sinister in mind? What will happen to her?
Will she escape the fate worse than death at the hands of this

(03:19):
cruel villain? We shall soon hear.
After that we'll get a little something allegedly funny or
witty in the form of an article from an early Victorian popular
comedy magazine like Punch or Fun, and then after a short
break, we'll read chapter 5 of The Mysteries of London or
Stories from the Modern Babylon by George WM Reynolds, which

(03:39):
first started publication in 1844.
In this chapter, Richard Markham's father dies of a
broken heart, leaving him the estate at the tender age of 19.
We follow him to London where inHyde Park he meets a wealthy,
well dressed man about town. Or is he perhaps a man upon
town? We have our suspicions.
He introduces himself as Arthur Chichester, Richard's new friend

(04:03):
invites him to dine with a friend that night.
But is Arthur Chichester all that?
He appears? He's a little too brassy, almost
as if he's playing a role. And he sure can hold a lot of
liquor. So how much trouble is our naive
young friend in? We shall find out, and we'll
finish out the hour with a little lowbrow poetry from one
of the flash camp songs about highway robbers, pickpockets and

(04:25):
other fun stuff, courtesy of oneof the supper club songbooks of
the 1830s and 1840s. That's the plan.
Let's get started now with an article from the Terrific
Register. Teenage Charles Dickens favorite
magazine. This nugget was first published
in the early 1820s. Here we go, Miracle in favor of

(04:47):
innocence. In The Gazette Litterer of
Berlin of January, 1769, is the following extraordinary story.
A father and son of the town of Gand were accused of having
murdered the rector of the parish church, and stealing from
at the plate to a considerable value, for which supposed
defense they were hastily tried and condemned to lose their

(05:09):
heads on a certain fixed day. It happened, however, that the
executioner was too I'll to attend to his duty, and as the
sentence by the law of the country could not be deferred to
another day, the magistrates offered the life of 1 to become
the executioner of the other. The father rejected the proposal
with horror, but the son, without any hesitation,

(05:30):
acquiesced. The father was accordingly LED
out to execution, but he did notknow by whose hands he was to
suffer, till he saw his son armed with a naked Sabre on the
scaffold, where he embraced him,and poured out affliction like a
flood. It is not, said he, the fear of
death, but the unnatural hand bywhich I am to die is what
afflicts me, for, being innocentof the crime laid to my charge,

(05:53):
I have more to hope than fear. He then took tender leave of his
son, and laid his head on the billet to receive the fatal
blow. But to the astonishment of all
present, when the sun was lifting up the Sabre, the blade,
without any violence, broke in the middle, a circumstance so
extraordinary that the multitude, with one voice,
called for grace pardon. And the civil magistrates

(06:14):
conducted the father and son to their further confinement, and
informed the Prince what had happened upon the scaffold, who
in consequence thereof pardoned them both, Soon after which a
criminal was executed, who confessed being the real
murderer of the cure, and the plunderer of the church.
In confirmation of this story, there is upon a little bridge

(06:35):
near the fish market in the townof Gand, 2 statues in bronze,
where one is represented in the very act of cutting off the head
of the other it is very certain.And the same story seems to be
represented in a picture still preserved in the Hotel de Ville
of Gand. And now it is time for Chapter 5

(06:56):
of my current favorite dreadful Rose Mortimer.
Last week in Chapter 4. Strap in.
A lot happened in Chapter 4. It's going to take a little
while to unpack. We opened on Count Lerno in his
Fonsi drawing room. The Count, we learned, had come
to England two years before. Nobody knew from whence.
But he was handsome and well bred and rich, and he threw

(07:19):
great gambling parties, so he'd been accepted into high society.
On this night we saw him in formal evening dress in his
drawing room, steaming open somepacks of playing cards and
marking the backs and resealing them again.
Then we cut to the party that night.
He was hosting a number of nobles and notables, including
one Captain Roper, who was slightly suspected of having

(07:42):
thrown a race in which a horse he owned was running, which
should have won but did not. Also, there was a young baronet
named Sir Harold King. As the evening progressed, we
gathered that Sir Harold, who just inherited a fortune, was
the mark being fleeced, and we more than suspected that Captain
Roper and Count Lerna were in cahoots to do it.
But if they were, Captain Roper rather overdid it, and Sir

(08:05):
Harold got suspicious and started watching him closely.
Then he pounced, seized his sleeve and accused him of
cheating. Captain Roper, infuriated,
leaped to the wall where a pair of rapiers were hanging, threw
one to Sir Harold, and made a pass.
A short, fierce sword fight ensued, ending when Captain
Roper was disarmed. Still furious, he grabbed A

(08:25):
revolver off the wall which Count Lerno had earlier told him
he kept loaded, and fired point blank at his opponent.
Unfortunately for him, Count Lerno had lied and the pistol
was empty. But the other gamblers, though
cool with a duel, found attempted murder to be a bridge
too far and pounced on him. When they did, the missing card
fell out of his waist kit. Or did it?

(08:46):
Certainly it appeared to when Count Lerno grabbed him and
ripped his waist kit open. Well, the Count ordered him to
leave, but on his way out he vowed revenge and insinuated the
Count was also Trixie. The Count pounced on him, horse
whipped him and ejected him fromthe room.
The other gamblers also mizzled off after that, saying they were
done for the night and leaving the Count muttering to.

(09:07):
Himself, the first brick of the house has fallen, he muttered.
The secret of my life is no longer.
Safe, he must make his escape before it all comes down.
But he determined before he did so, he vowed to make a conquest
of Rose Mortimer. No, Rose, he muttered.
Nothing in heaven or. Earth can save thee.

(09:28):
Thou shalt be mine. Thou shalt be mine.
Ha ha ha ha ha, curtain. So do you think chapter 5 will
be half as eventful as chapter 4was?
Just you wait. Chapter 5 The Crowd, The rescue.

(09:51):
A new home. The ballet girls career The
first night a deep laid scheme. The false friend, The abduction.
The lonely house. The ruffian flight danger.
The old hag in the lion's den. When Rose Mortimer recovered
from the swoon into which she had fallen after affecting her

(10:14):
escape from her brutal assailant, she found a crowd of
strangers around her, and a policeman who was endeavoring to
raise her from the ground. Opening her eyes, she gazed
round in terror upon the unknownfaces pressing upon her.
Then, recollecting the danger which had so lately menaced her,
she shrunk back and faintly murmured a prayer for mercy.
But as she did so, a voice, the tones of which seemed familiar

(10:37):
to her, bade her not to be alarmed, and looking up, she
sought, to her surprise, her friend, the scene painter, Jack
Halliday. Is it you?
She asked, with a faint smile. Where am I?
Oh, save me from him, Pray do not be agitated, Miss Mortimer.
Allow me to see you to your home, and you shall tell me what
has occurred on our way thither.The policeman, at Halliday's

(10:58):
suggestion, ordered a cab, and the scene painter, having placed
his fair charge inside the vehicle as they travelled
onwards, listened in wonder to the relation of the strange and
terrible scene through which shehad just passed.
There seems a fate about our meeting, Miss Mortimer, said
Halliday, in a voice which, in spite of the attempt he made to
conceal it, trembled perceptibly.

(11:18):
There is something more than mere chance about it.
Would to heaven, though I had arrived sooner, and so that I
could have afforded you more timely assistance.
They did not expect to find the clerical scoundrel still lurking
about Hugh Mortimer's lodgings. And when they got back?
All was silent and deserted. The inhabitants of the low and
squalid neighborhood and the poverty stricken house in which

(11:41):
Rose and her father dwelt were too well accustomed to the
brawls and disturbances at all hours of the night to have been
more than temporarily aroused bythe noise which Rose made in her
flight from Abel Booth. The young girl begged her new
friend to wait for her at the door, whilst she proceeded
tremblingly upstairs to see whether or not her father had
returned. He was nowhere to be seen, and

(12:02):
the rooms presented exactly the same appearance as when she last
saw them. What was to be done?
You must not think of remaining here, said Jack Halliday, but
must allow me to see you to somerespectable hotel, or where you
can stay till morning, when perhaps we may clear up this
mystery. She thankfully took his arm and
they walked along together. Presently he stopped and said

(12:25):
with a hesitating voice. You won't be offended, I trust,
with what I'm going to say, MissMortimer, but if I might venture
to offer the shelter of my mother's roof, she will, I am
certain, be only too happy to try her best to make you
comfortable until you have time to settle your plans for the
future. Rosewood have refused, but a
glance at her friend's face convinced her of the purity of
his intentions, and so, going tohis mother's house, she there

(12:48):
met with so warm a welcome that from the very first moment she
felt completely at home and at her ease.
At her ease as far as she herself was concerned, but the
dreadful anxiety which she felt with regard to the fate of her
father rendered her low spiritedand miserable.
The whole particulars of the fearful scene through which she
had passed were communicated to the authorities at Scotland

(13:10):
Yard, but those searching inquiries were immediately made
by the most experienced detectives.
Nothing was discovered either ofRose's father or his supposed
murderer. Thus a week passed, and the
mystery was still unravelled, but the time was soon to come
when all would be explained, as the future chapters of this
story will show. In the meantime, strange as it

(13:32):
may seem, but necessity has no law.
Our heroine daily attended her theatrical duties.
Very soon Rose became familiar with ballet life.
Mr. Flathers was secretly delighted with the notion of his
having secured, at a very cheap rate indeed, the services of a
young creature so exquisitely grateful and possessing so
faultless a form. Her training under Mr. Totts,

(13:54):
the ballet master, began in earnest on the first day she
joined the Babylonian Company, and as perhaps some of our young
lady readers may feel curious upon the subject, we will
briefly describe the sort of life a ballet girl goes through
before she bursts upon your enraptured sight.
A lovely vision as the Parmia dances.
Some very hard work comes first,and Rose was put through the

(14:17):
following course. To begin with, her Pretty Little
feet were placed inside a curious sort of apparatus called
a groove box, and placed heel toheel in a straight line, the
knees of course, being turned outwards and the sides of the
box being so contracted that thetoes could not incline.
Inwards a hair's breadth. The pain caused by this attitude
was at first very severe, but Rose would not own to her

(14:40):
sufferings, and bearing it like a little martyr, she was
delighted to find that after sixor seven days her supple joints
accustomed themselves to the novel position, and her feet
fell easily into the required position when she danced.
After she had mastered this difficulty, Rose had next to
essay another, rather more formidable and fatiguing this
was to rest her right foot on a bar, which she at the same time

(15:03):
held in her left hand in a horizontal line, then varying
the attitude with the left foot and right hand, by means of
which movements the stiffness ofthe feet was in a great measure
destroyed. Having got thus far, she had now
to learn how to walk upon the extreme points of the toes, so
that leg and instep formed a straight line.

(15:23):
This done, she had to practice what are called caprioles, in
which she was expected to perform four or five steps in
the air, a feet productive of the most heartbreaking fatigue.
Then followed all sorts of flings and cuts and movements
far too numerous to particular eyes.
And then in the rehearsal of thepantomime, she was compelled to
go through a great deal of stagebusiness of so dangerous a

(15:46):
nature that every day she riskedher life and her limbs for any
bungling upon the part of Mr. Flathers.
Carpenters, or a more than usualweakness of Mr. Flathers worn
out machinery, might have dashedher headlong from the flies down
the traps, to be taken up a bruised and mutilated.
Corpse. But Rose worked very hard
indeed, and Mr. Tots was filled with delight at the improvement

(16:09):
his pupil made under his tuition.
That girl will make a wonderful dancer.
He said to Mr. Flathers. Don't lose her, dear Sir, don't
lose her. She's a Cerrito, she's an
Elsler, she's a Talioni, she's aCarlotta keeper.
She'll make your fortune, and her own too.
Mr. Flathers listened with a faint smile.

(16:29):
I wish I could. Said Mr. Flathers with a groan.
I wish I were not in that atrocious villain's.
Power. Poor girl, if she only knew what
misery is in store for her. Christmas drew near hourly
nearer, and the noise and bustleof the Royal Babylonian Theatre
increased daily. Jack Halliday was scarcely ever

(16:50):
able to find time now to come down to speak a few words to
Rose after rehearsal, and when he did come he looked far from
heroic. A shabby suit of clothes
splashed with whitewash and withsundry dabs of various colored
paints about it, a face smeared in one or two places with Dutch
pink, and a beard plentifully besprinkled with gold leaf,
could not be said to add much tohis personal attractions.

(17:13):
Still, his clear blue eye and his merry, ringing laugh were
there. Rose always welcomed him with
delight, and he, for his part, appeared to find a great charm
in the pretty ballet. Girl.
Constant visitor in the Babylonian theatre during the
getting up of the Christmas pantomime was the handsome man
called the Count. Whenever the opportunity of

(17:33):
addressing a few words to Rose presented itself, he did not
hesitate to avail himself of it,but with a smile would speak to
her with a quiet compliment or an amusing joke.
Despite Jack Halliday's warning,she could not but be civil to
him, for had he not procured heremployment yet she mistrusted
him. The Count smiled and showed his

(17:54):
teeth. He bided his time.
Boxing night came at last. The last spangle was sewn on the
Harlequin's dress, the last touch of paint was given to the
dismal depths of desolation, thelast piece of gold leaf was laid
on the scrollwork for the Palaceof King Bobtail, and the early
arrivals were hammering at the gallery door, impatient to be

(18:16):
let in to secure front seats to witness the first performance of
the Fairy of the Dewey Dell. Or.
Harlequin in the magic poker, a dull play to which nobody
listened, a merry overture, and then the tinkling of a little
bell in the simultaneous rising of the curtain on the abode of
the demon of the Rocky Gorge andthe burlesque opening of the

(18:36):
pantomime commenced. A clashing of cymbals and a
furious belaboring of the drum and the Rocky Gorge demon, and
all gave way before the stage carpenters to the Dewey Dell of
delight. Rapturous applause broke from
the audience as one of the most beautiful of cleverly scenes
burst upon them. The car of the Goddess of
Morning descended, and from it stepped one of the most lovely

(18:59):
things that could be conceived, for Rose Mortimer had been
selected by Mr. Flathers to personate the goddess.
Deafening applause broke from every part of the house.
All paid tribute to the Queen ofBeauty, who, radiant and beaming
and happy, stood before them in the person of our heroine.
Never had a more perfect and genuine success being achieved

(19:20):
in the ballet. Mr. Flathers rubbed his hands
and chuckled. Mr. Totts prophesied great
things of his pupil and last though not least, Count Lerno,
who was behind the scenes that night, showed his white teeth
with a grim smile as he followedevery movement of the lovely
ballet girl. It cannot fail, he muttered to
himself. She cannot suspect.

(19:43):
It was a late. Hour before the pantomime was
over. But at last Clown committed his
last felony, Pantaloon received his last kick, and Harlequin
made his last leap through respectable tradesman's window.
And the audience turned out to the sloppy streets to make the
best of their way home, discussing as they went the
merits of the pantomime, but allagreeing and praising to the

(20:03):
skies the wonderful grace and beauty of Rose Mortimer.
The frost, which had set in a few days before Christmas, had
given way before a southerly wind.
The pavement was slippery and unpleasant, the lamps burnt
dimly, and all without looked miserable and desolate.
The streets were almost deserted.
Miss Mortimer Rose heard her name spoken in a soft tone by

(20:27):
someone behind her. She turned and saw the.
Count, Allow me to congratulate you, Miss Mortimer, on your well
deserved success tonight. You are very kind, said Rose.
But for your kind aid, I should never have been allowed to
appear. She was standing by the OP wing
as she spoke and still in her stage costume.
The. Pleasure you have given me

(20:48):
tonight, fully repays me for anyslight service I may have been
to you. He replied with a graceful bow.
There was a pause. Rose knew not what reply to
make. In the distance, leaning against
one of the scenes, she saw Jack Halliday, and the words of
caution he had addressed to her respecting the count, came
suddenly to her recollection andmiss.

(21:08):
Mortimer. Said the count.
It grieves me very much to have to say a word which can in any
way lessen your night's enjoyment.
But I I have a message for you. A message.
And for me. Yes, and one which I fear will
cause you sorrow. Speak.
What is it? Your father, my father.
Oh, do you know something of him?

(21:29):
He he disappeared some weeks agoand I have been unable to learn
any timings of. Him I grieve to be the bearer of
evil news, but he is ill. Seriously Ill.
Oh, where is he? Let me go to.
Him, you may possibly remember, said the Count, that when I
first had the pleasure of meeting you, it was in your
father's house. Yes, yes, said Rose.

(21:51):
I only mention that to show you that I am to be trusted, that I
speak as the friend of Hugh Mortimer.
Do not keep me in suspense. Tell me where he is, that I may
go to him. May I not rather have the
pleasure of conducting you to him?
Rose hesitated. Do not allow any false sense of
modesty or propriety to hinder you from accepting my author.

(22:12):
Still she made no reply. My carriage is waiting at the
stage door, and will take you more rapidly than any public
conveyance. Besides, at this hour of the
night you should hardly venture out alone and unprotected.
Thank you, thank you, I accept your offer.
The Count showed his teeth beneath his jetty black
moustache. Come then, said he, at the same

(22:35):
time offering her his arm. I cannot go in this dress, said
Rose. Remember, replied the count,
every moment is precious. You can wrap my cloak round you
and no one will notice your stage attire.
Do not delay, I beseech you. For a moment she hesitated, but
then, drawing the voluminous folds of the cloak round her,
she took his arm. He led her rapidly towards the

(22:57):
stage door. On their way, they met Mr.
Flathers, the manager. I congratulate you on your
success, Miss Mortimer. He said this with a low bow and
a conciliatory manner, but when her back was turned, exchanged A
sinister smile with her companion.
Is all well? He muttered almost below his
breath. The Count nodded significantly

(23:19):
as he led her onward toward the stage door.
There, in the dark, narrow St. ahandsome carriage was standing,
the door of which a servant in livery opened as they
approached. But some faint suspicion of
treachery flashing across the poor girl's mind at this moment
caused her again to hesitate. Come, come, said the Count
impatiently and glancing nervously around as he did so.

(23:40):
We shall be too late. She knew not what to say, what
excuse to urge, and yet her heart misgave her.
Timidly drawing back, she had some notion of running up the
stairs again toward the stage, but the count caught her by the
arm. At that moment footsteps were
heard upon the staircase, and Jack Halliday was dimly
discernible in the distance. Not an instant was to be lost if

(24:03):
he was to carry off his prize. The Count cast 1 comprehensive
glance round, seized the beautiful girl in his arms, and
carried her, in spite of her terrified resistance to the
carriage. Then, springing in with his
lovely burden, he bade the coachman drive on, and the
latter lashing his horses. In another moment, the vehicle
had reached the end of the street.
Forgive me, my dear lady. Said the count.

(24:25):
But every second is of the greatest importance, for your
poor father is in a very critical state.
Hastily disengaging herself fromhis embrace, the terrified girl
scarcely knew whether or not to believe that she had been
forcibly abducted. The coachman was already
informed as to the road he was to take, for almost before they
were seated the broom started ata rapid pace in a westerly

(24:47):
direction. For some minutes they rode on in
silence. Rose looked from the window, but
failed to recognize any of the streets through which they
passed. Where is it that my father is?
She asked. Do not be frightened, we shall
soon be there. For a long time she remained
without speaking. They had left the paved and
lighted streets, and were going rapidly over a smooth Rd. as

(25:11):
well as Rose can make out. Hedges bounded each side of the
way. They were going out into the
country. Where are we?
Asked Rose somewhat uneasily. This is the Fulham Rd. said her
conductor in reply. Have we much?
Further to go. No, we shall reach our
destination in a few minutes. Almost as he.
Spoke The carriage came to a standstill.

(25:33):
But it was. Only for an instant, apparently,
while some large gates were opento give the carriage in grass.
The next minute they were driving up a gravelled Rd.
bordered on each side by large trees.
At last the vehicle stopped. The count sprang out and stood
to assist the beautiful girl to a light.
Where are we? She asked.
Where have you brought me? Do not be frightened, he made

(25:57):
answer. You are quite safe here.
Enter. My father can never be here, she
said. They had stopped before a large
old fashioned House of almost palatial size.
The glimpse, which the open doorpermitted, disclosed a.
Handsome hall, and beyond, a suite of rooms beautifully and
tastefully furnished. Rose, who had ever associated

(26:18):
her father with squalid misery and abject poverty, was
certainly justified in her doubt.
Enter. You have nothing to fear.
Repeated the count, she availed herself of his proffered arm,
and descending from the broom, entered the splendid hall.
Side by side, the deceiver and his victim entered the house.
Within whose walls few so pure as Rose had ever been.

(26:41):
Where's my father? She asked.
Take me to him at once. Nay, Miss Mortimer, let me first
offer you some refreshment. Nothing, nothing, she cried
impatiently. You must be fatigued after your
evening's exertions. Let me beg of you to rest before
you seek your father. No, no, Tell me where he is and
let me go to him presently at once.

(27:03):
She cried firmly. I will not delay.
Tomorrow will be time enough. Tomorrow, yes, you will be
stronger and more refreshed. Rose was terribly alarmed.
Jack Holiday's warning seemed toring in her ears, and she
bitterly repented of having leftthe theatre in the company of
the Count. I insist that you take me to
your father if he is in the house, which he is not, replied

(27:27):
the Count coolly. Then you have deceived.
Me, yes, he replied, smoothing his moustache.
Where am I then? She cried wildly.
Whose house is this? Mine.
With a convulsive sob, which seemed to shake her whole frame,
she buried her face in her handsand wept.
Yes, dearest, so the Count, I amthe master of this house, and

(27:49):
you shall be its lovely mistress.
Never, never. If I have erred, continued he,
heedless of the interruption attributed only to my love, If I
have deceived you in bringing you here, still love must plead
my excuse. Do not turn your beautiful eyes
away from me. Pardon me the trick I have

(28:09):
played upon you and say that youwill be mine Count.
Lerno, said Rose, drawing herself up to her full height
count. Lerno, sooner than agree to your
degrading proposals, I would. Kill myself, do you?
Suppose there is nothing dearer to a woman than gold and jewels.
I scorn and despise you. Nay, pretty one.

(28:31):
Why so angry? Remember, you are completely in
my power. And here he showed his white
teeth. And that I have.
Means to compel your compliance?Never.
But the Count took her in his arms, and, without paying any
attention to her struggles or cries for help, bore her easily
upstairs to an elegantly furnished apartment.

(28:52):
Here, when he loosed his hold ofher, she ran from him, terrified
and tremblingly clinging to the opposite wall, waited with
blanched cheek and flashing eyesfor a renewal of his violence.
But he only gazed at her for a moment with the same devilish
smile, and then, turning upon his heel, left the room and
closed and locked the door behind him.

(29:12):
She stood motionless, listening to his retreating footsteps,
then gazed wildly around her. A lamp hanging from the ceiling
cast a dim, subdued light upon the objects which the room
contains, heavy old fashioned furniture surrounded by oak
panellings, quaintly carved still as death.
She stood, her hand pressed uponher heart, her head gently

(29:34):
bowed, listening to the sound ofhis steps until it died away all
together. Then, looking about hurriedly to
the right and left, with something of the action of a
haunted stag when the Bay of theHounds is swelling upon the air,
she sought for some way of escape.
That there was no time to lose she felt certain, for whatever
motive at the present moment occasioned her jailer's absence,

(29:54):
his return would be speedy. Her only hope of evading him
then lay in prompt and energeticaction.
She must be bold and resolute. Dare all or lose all.
With this idea she advanced rapidly toward the window, and
endeavored to raise the sash. It was heavy and swollen with
the rain, and stuck fast in its frame.
But fear lent her strength, and she struggled desperately to

(30:16):
affect her purpose. At length it was forced upwards,
and she gazed with fast beating heart into the intense darkness
below. She could form no notion of how
far she was from the ground, butsurely death were preferable to
the hideous fate in store for her.
Did she remain longer in the mercy of this miscreant?
Leaving the window, however, fora moment she cast a despairing

(30:37):
glance around in the hopes of seeing something that might
assist her, and merciful Heaven directed her attention to a
poignard which, among other ornaments, hung by the side of
the mantelpiece. She sprang toward the weapon,
drew it from its sheath, and without a moment's hesitation
busied herself in slashing down the damask window curtains.

(30:58):
With nervously twitching but agile fingers.
Rose ripped the tough fabric in twain and fashioned it into a
rope, which she rapidly but firmly secured to a heavy piece
of furniture standing close to the window.
Scarcely had she completed her task before she heard a movement
in the house as those steps wereapproaching the door.
In speechless terror she paused to listen, and, feeling full

(31:20):
certain that she was not deceived, clambered lightly
through the window, clutched therope, and glided rapidly to the
earth. Trusting to Providence that she
might choose the right direction, she rushed from the
spot, forcing her way through a dense growth of rank weeds and
straggling brushwood, which formed a sort of hedge dividing
the garden from a field beyond. Heedless of the difficulties in

(31:41):
her way, she rushed wildly onwards, and paused only when,
breathless and half fainting, she reached a fence separating
the field from the High Road afar off.
In the distance she could see lights flashing fitfully to and
fro, and hear the sound of men'svoices calling to one another.
Summoning all the strength that yet remained to her, Rose
clambered to the top of the fence, dropped down into the

(32:04):
open road, and ran on again. A wild open country surrounded
her on all sides without a sign of human habitation, for she was
at that part of Fulham lying West of Wallham Green, known by
the name of Dead Man's Land. Ignorant whither her steps were
taking her, she ran on and on down the interminable lanes,
until, prostrated by fatigue, she sank in an almost lifeless

(32:27):
state upon the ground by the roadside.
Fortune, however, did not now befriend her as it had done when
she made her escape from her clerical assailant at her
father's house by sending honestJack Halliday to her aid.
When she again opened her eyes she was shivering with cold and
wet to the skin from the heavilyfalling rain, and the road was
still dark and lonely. Rising to her feet, she

(32:49):
staggered onwards as well as hertrembling limbs would allow, and
suddenly in front she saw a faint glimmering through the
window, blind of a mean looking house.
The sight lent her fresh strength, and she now proceeded
at a more rapid pace. As she approached it, however, a
strange moaning sound struck upon her ear, and caused her to
look around in painful suspense.What had alarmed her, though,

(33:13):
she found to be the river running rapidly past the weedy
rush grown bank, where stood thehouse in question.
Approaching the door, she hesitated a moment and summoning
up. Courage knocked twice.
She fancied that as she drew near she could hear the low
murmur of voices within, but nowthere was a death like silence.
Again she knocked and then a heavy footfall sounded upon the

(33:35):
door and the door slowly opened.On the threshold A blear eyed
old hag with ragged unkempt locks stood blinking from behind
a flaring tallow candle which she shaded from the wind with
one of her long claw like hands,whilst behind her stood A
scowling beetle browed ruffian who seemed to be clutching a
heavy bludgeon in an attitude ofdefence.

(33:58):
I. I have lost my way, said Rose
timidly. Will you give me shelter for an
hour or two until light? The old hag stood in
astonishment at the strange costume which Rose wore and made
no reply, but the man quickly said.
Yes, yes. Come in.
Are you alone? Rose replied in the affirmative,
and crossed the threshold. The door closed heavily behind

(34:20):
her, and the old hag, at a sign from her companion, chained and
bolted it. A wretched hovel it was, in
which Rose found herself, and sinister and threatening were
the faces of her host and Hostess.
The hour was very late, the spotentirely deserted.
At whose mercy was she now, and what new danger awaited her?

(34:45):
Well. One of the coolest things about
this dreadful is it's quite clear that our author, whoever
he is or was, knows what he's writing about.
He is, after all, a comedy player at the Theater Royale in
Drury Lane. So he knows how the operation
works, knows how the ballet girls train, knows the kind of
villainous libertines who still hang about hoping to score with

(35:07):
one of the girls, and I stronglysuspect he also knows his way
around a bent gambling operation.
Steaming open sealed packs of playing cards is pretty high
level cheating, and that's quitea trick to send out into the
general public to be aware of. Apparently he knows ballet girls
pretty well too, like Sammy Davis Junior.
Their secret is the appearance of effortlessness, but their

(35:29):
performances are anything but effortless.
These are athletes. Rose Mortimer really is an
interesting combination. It's like our author took a
run-of-the-mill beautiful girl of the type that was constantly
in need of rescue and made her atop level athlete.
In this chapter we see herself rescuing, which is very cool,
and she'll do it again in the next chapter.

(35:50):
In Which this is a bit of a spoiler, but I don't think it'll
spoil your interest. In which she actually Shanks a
guy with the knife she used on the curtains.
I am here to tell you this is the best heroine ever.
Speaking of the next chapter in it, Rose isn't out of the woods
yet. Not by a long.
Chalk. She's in this strange house with
this ruffian and his haggish mother, and she can't help

(36:13):
wondering if she's jumped out ofone frying pan and into another.
The hag orders her to go upstairs and get some rest.
She'd love to get some rest, butsomething tells her these two
are not to be trusted, and her host keeps staring covetously at
the costume jewelry bracelet she's wearing.
Is she in danger? Spoiler Yes.
How will she escape from their clutches?

(36:34):
Spoiler By just kidding. You'll have to wait and see, but
yes, a Shank is involved. Now let's visit one of the old
Victorian journals of comedy andcomedy.
And perhaps I should have saved this one for a day when
Springhill Jack is on the menu because it actually mentions the
Marquis of Waterford. I should mention, since this is

(36:55):
an audio format, Marquis is spelled like Marquis.
If these people were French, they would be Marquis Marquis.
Later on they started spelling Marquis Marquess, but we're into
the old stuff here, so Marquis it is and Marquis it is spelled
anyway, the Marquis of Waterford, who we suspect was

(37:16):
the real life model for the character of Spring Heeled Jack.
They called him the Mad Marquis.This reading from Punch magazine
is all about a gang of high spirited sports who like to run
about stealing door knockers offof mansions as trophies of the
hunt. This is one of those things that
the Marquis of. Waterford.
Actually kind of. Introduced as a pastime to

(37:37):
sporty young men about town, thearticle is styled like an 1840s
sports page. Coverage of one of those fox
hunts that they used to do with horns and red jackets and
everyone looking fetching up on their horses and stuff.
The funny part? Funny as in irregular, not as in
humorous, but rampaging Tom and Jerry type bloods like the Mad

(37:58):
Marquis had a sort of impunity with this stuff.
You know what happened when guyslike that got caught by a
policeman, right? They had to give the knocker
back pay for the damage, maybe asmall fine.
You know what happened to when the coster monger pregnant
knocker off a mansion door to sell his scrap metal for bread
to feed his family? Seven years transportation to
Australia, that's what. Yes, the good old days.

(38:21):
Glad we don't have to live in them, but we may as well get a
laugh or two out of the deal. So let's do that now.
The knocker hunt. An article from the July 24th,
1841 issue of Punch the Humor magazine.
This satiric article is dedicated to the pastime of
Roystering Rakes getting very drunk and going out looking for

(38:45):
trouble. One of the things they were
known for doing was stealing theknockers off of house doors.
In. The 1830s there was a famous
rash of knocker thefts among students at Oxford.
The little punks clearly got theidea from Tom and Jerry type
choice spirits in the 1820s and before.
Who would get? Drunk and go on sprees doing

(39:05):
things like boxing Charlie's, which as you probably know is
overturning A watchman's shelterbox so that he was trapped
inside and harassing toll collectors along the roads and
things like that. Particular notice is taken of
the Marquess of Waterford, who we will be talking more about
someday soon when we have time. It is widely believed that it

(39:26):
was his pranks that led to the outbreak of Spring Hill Jack
sightings in the 1830s or supposed sightings, and I'm
pretty sure that he is supposed to be the character in the Penny
Dreadful story that we're working our way through right
now. He's also the guy who coined the
term Paint the Town Red after heand some friends stole a big.
Bucket of red paint and a brush from a toll keeper and went on a

(39:48):
painting rampage. Some of these bucks and bloods
and choice spirits actually had collections of door knockers
displayed in their chambers as souvenirs of their night
stalking prowess. It's that scene that this little
parody seeks to evoke. Here we go.
On Thursday, July 8th, 1841, thecelebrated pack of knocker boys

(40:12):
met at the Cavendish in German St.
These animals, which have acquired for themselves a
celebrity as undying as that of Tom and Jerry, are of a fine,
powerful breed, and in excellentcondition.
The success which invariably attends them must be highly
gratifying to the distinguished nobleman, who, if he did not

(40:32):
introduce this particular species into the metropolis, has
at least done much to bring it to its present extraordinary
state of perfection. As there may be some of our
readers who are ignorant of the purposes for which this
invaluable pack has been organized, it may be as well to
state a few particulars before proceeding to the detail of one
of the most splendid nights uponrecord in the annals of

(40:55):
disorderism. The knocker has a thing which is
generally composed of brass or iron.
It has frequently a violent resemblance to the human face
divine or the ravenous expressiveness of a beast of.
Prey. It assumes a variety of phases
under peculiar vinous influences.
A gentleman in whose veracity and experience we have the most

(41:18):
unlimited confidence for a. Series of years.
Kept an account of the phenomenaof his own knocker, and by his
permission the following extracts are now submitted to
the public. 1840, November 12th.Dined with Captain Blank Capital
spread exquisite liqueurs, magnificent wines, unparalleled
cigars. Drank my 4 bottles, should have

(41:41):
made it 5, but found I had eatensomething which disagreed with
me. Home at 4.
State of knocker jumping up and down the surface of the door
like a rope dancer, occasionallydiverging into a zigzag, the
keyhole partaking of the same eccentricities.
November 13th. Supped with Charlie B Brandy,
genuine cognac. Cigars.

(42:02):
Principi Estimated consumption. Brandy and water, 18 glasses.
Cigars two dozen. Porter with a cabman, 2 pots.
State of knocker. Pleuripatetic.
Moved from our house to the next.
Remained till it roused the family.
Returned to its own door and became duplicated.
Wouldn't wake the house. Porter till 5 NB Found that I

(42:25):
had used my own thumb for a sounding plate and had bruised
my nail awfully. November 14th.
Devoted the day to soda water inmy tailors bill.
Gave a draft for the amount and took another on my own account.
November 15th. Lectured at the Governor.
Left the house. Savage met the Marquess.
Got very drunk. Unconsciously fancied myself a

(42:47):
merman, and that the gutter in Haymarket was the archipelago.
Grew preposterous, and felt thatI should like to be run over.
Thought I was waltzing with Cheerito, but found I was
actually being carried on a stretcher to the station house.
Somebody sent somewhere for bail, and somebody bailed me.
State of knocker very indistinct.
Then became uncommonly like the governor in his nightcap.

(43:11):
Could not reach it. Presume it was filial affection
what prevented me Knocked of itsown accord, no doubt agitated by
sympathy, reverberated in my ears all night, and left me with
a confounded headache in the morning.
The above articles are sufficient to show the
variability of this singular article.
Formerly the knocker was devotedentirely to the menial

(43:32):
occupation of announcing, by a single dab or a variation of
wraps, the desire of persons on the doorstep to communicate with
the occupants of the interior ofa mansion.
Modern genius has elevated it into a source of refined
pleasure and practical humor, affording at the same time
employment to the artisan, excitement to the gentleman, and

(43:52):
broken heads and dislocations ofevery variety to the police.
We will now proceed to the details of an event which Punch
alone is worthy to record. Notice of a meat having been
dispatched to all members of theKnocker Hunt.
A splendid field No St. Met at the Cavendish, the hotel
of the hospitable Marquis. The white damask which covered

(44:14):
the mahogany was dotted here andthere with rich and invigorating
viands, whilst decanters of portand Sherry, jugs of Chateau
Margot, bottles of exhilarating spirits, and boxes of cigars
agreeably diversified the scene.After a plentiful but orderly
discussion of the creature, comforts for all ebullitions at

(44:35):
home are strictly prohibited by the Marquis.
It was proposed to draw Saint James Square.
This suggestion was, however abandoned as it was reported by
Captain Pepperwell that a party of snobs had been hunting bell
handles in the same locality on the preceding night.
Clarges St. was then named, and off we started in that
direction, trying out the West End of German St. in Piccadilly

(44:58):
in our way, but as was expected,both coverts proved blank.
We were almost afraid of the same result in the largest St.
goers, for it was not until we first arrived at #33 that anyone
gave tongue. Young dash over was the 1st, and
clearly and beautifully came hisshrill tone upon the ear as he
exclaimed, Here's a knocker. Set to 1/2.

(45:21):
The rush was instantaneous. In the space of a moment one
feeling seemed to have taken possession of the whole pack.
A more splendid struggle was never witnessed by the oldest
knocker hunter. A more pertinacious piece of
cast iron never contended against the prowess of the
Corinthian. After a gallant pull of an hour

(45:41):
and a half, the affair came off,and now graces the club room of
the knocker Hunt. The pack having been called off,
were taken to the kennel in the Haymarket, when one young dog,
who had run counter at a bell handle was found to be missing,
but the gratifying intelligence was soon brought that he was
safe in the Vine Street. Station House.
The various compounds known as champagne, port, Sherry, Brandy,

(46:05):
etcetera, having been very freely distributed, Captain
Pepperwell made a proposition that will so intimately connect
his name with that of the immortal Marquess, that, like
the twin born of Juniper and Leda, to mention one will be to
imply the other. Having obtained silence by
throwing a court measure at the waiter, he wriggled himself into
an upright position, and in a voice tremulous from emotion, or

(46:28):
perhaps Brandy, said. Is that one of of a knocker
hunt? There are times when a man can't
make a speech without considerable inconvenience to
himself. Ratification of the present
moment. But my admiration for the

(46:50):
distinguished founder of the Knocker hunt compels me to stand
as well as I can, and propose. As soon as we have not knockers
enough, they be melted down by some other respectable founder
and cast into a statue of the Marquis of Waterford.

(47:13):
Deafening were the cheers which greeted this gallant captain.
A meeting of ladies has since been held, at which resolutions
were passed for the furtherance of so desirable an object, and a
committee formed with the selection of a design worthy of
the originator of the knocker hunt.
To that committee we now appeal Memorandum.
The Hunt meet again on Monday next as information has been

(47:36):
received that In Splendid Knocker occupies the door of
Lang's Shooting Gallery in the Haymarket.
Well, now it's time for our lastdreadful chapter of the evening
from the Mysteries of London. This one is getting kind of
interesting, too. Now last week in Chapter 4 of
the Mysteries of London, we opened up on a hilltop near the

(47:57):
estate of Mr. Markham, the gentleman whose crib the two
murderers were plotting to crack.
In Chapter 3, the two Markham brothers, the sons of Mr.
Markham, were walking to a pair of trees, each of which had been
planted by one of the two of them several years before.
The older was Eugene, he had been until recently a military
officer, and the younger, who still lived at home, was

(48:18):
Richard. Eugene was explaining to Richard
that at his regiment he had gotten into gambling debts, and
being unable to get a response from their father to beg or
borrow the money to redeem thosedebts of honor, he had been
forced to sell his Commission topay them.
The father, livid at this, had said some highly regrettable
things, and Eugene had now decided to vanish from his
father's life to either make hisfortune or sink to obscurity

(48:42):
alone. Richard agreed to fetch Eugene's
things so that he need not set foot in the old place again, but
in doing so he encountered the Butler Whittingham, who insisted
on following him back to see Eugene off.
Richard and Whittingham togetherwere unable to persuade Eugene
to wait one more day before taking his leave, but Gene
agreed that he would return to the same location between the

(49:03):
two trees. 12 years thence. That was Chapter 4.
We'll continue with Chapter 5 right after this short break.

(49:23):
Welcome back to the Penny Dreadful Radio Hour.
And now where were we? Oh yes, queuing up.
Chapter 5 of the Mysteries of London.
Chapter 5. Eligible acquaintances. 4 years
passed away. During that interval no tidings
of the discarded son reached thedisconsolate father and unhappy

(49:46):
brother, and all of the exertions of the former to
discover some trace of the fugitive were fruitless.
Vainly did he lavish considerable sums upon that
object. Uselessly did he dispatch
emissaries to all the great manufacturing towns of England,
as well as to the principal capitals of Europe, to endeavour
to procure some information of him who he would have received

(50:08):
as the prodigal son, and to welcome whose return he would
have killed the fatted calf. All his measures to discover his
son's retreat were unavailing. At length, after a lapse of four
years, he sank into the tomb, the victim of a broken heart.
A few days previous to his deathhe made a will in favour of his

(50:29):
remaining son, the guardianship of whom he entrusted to a Mr.
Monroe, who was an opulent city merchant and an old and sincere
friend. Thus, at the age of 19, Richard
found himself his own master, with a handsome allowance to
meet his present wants, and witha large fortune.
In the perspective of two years more.

(50:49):
Mr. Monroe, feeling the utmost confidence in the young man's
discretion and steadiness, permitted him to reside in the
old family mansion, and interfered with him and his
pursuits as little as possible. The ancient abode of the family
of Markham was a spacious and commodious building, but of
heavy and somber appearance. This gloomy aspect of the

(51:10):
architecture was increased by the venerable trees that formed
a dense rampart of verdure around the edifice.
The grounds belonging to the house were not extensive, but
were tastefully laid out, and within the enclosure over which
the dominion of Richard Markham extended was the green hills
surmounted by the 2 ash trees. From the summit of that eminence

(51:32):
the mighty metropolis might be seen in all its vastitude, that
metropolis whose one single heart was agitated with so many
myriads of conflicting passions and warring interests and
opposite feelings. Perhaps a dozen pages of labored
description will not afford the reader a better idea of the
characters and dispositions of the two brothers than that which

(51:53):
has already been conveyed by their conversation and conduct
detailed in the preceding chapter.
Eugene was all selfishness and egotism, Richard all generosity
and frankness, the former deceitful, astute, and crafty,
the latter honorable even to a fault.
With Eugene. For the present we have little
to do. The course of our narrative

(52:14):
follows the fortunes of Richard Markham.
The disposition of this young man was somewhat reserved,
although by no means misanthropical nor melancholy.
That characteristic resulted only from the domesticated
nature of his habits. He was attached to literary
pursuits, and frequently passed entire hours together in his
study, poring over works of a scientific and instructive

(52:37):
nature. When he stirred abroad for the
purpose of air and exercise, he preferred a long ramble upon
foot amongst the fields in the vicinity of his dwelling, to a
parade of himself and his fine horse amid the busy haunts of
wealth and fashion at the West End of London.
It was, nevertheless, upon a beautiful afternoon in the month
of August, 1835, that Richard appeared amongst the loungers in

(52:59):
Hyde Park. He was on foot and attired in
deep mourning, but his handsome countenance, symmetrical form,
and thoroughly genteel and unassuming air attracted
attention. Parliament had been prorogued A
fortnight before, and all Londonwas said to be out of town,
albeit it was evident that a considerable portion of London

(53:20):
was in town, for there were manygorgeous equipages rolling along
the drive, and the enclosure waspretty well sprinkled with well
dressed groups, and dotted with solitary fashionable gentlemen
upon foot. From the carriages that rolled
past, many bright eyes were for a moment turned upon Richard,
and in these equipages they werenot wanting young female bosoms,

(53:41):
which heaved at the contrast afforded by that tall and
elegant youth, so full of vigor and health, and whose
countenance beamed with intelligence.
And the old, emaciated and semi childish husbands seated by
their sides, and whose wealth had purchased their hands, but
never succeeded in obtaining their hearts.
Richard wearied with his walk, seated himself upon a bench, and

(54:04):
contemplated with some interest the moving pageantry before him.
He was thus occupied, when he was suddenly accosted by a
stranger, who seated himself by his side in an easy manner, and
addressed some commonplace observation to him.
This individual was a man of about two and 30 elegantly
attired, agreeable in his manners, and prepossessing in

(54:25):
appearance. Under this superficial teggument
of gentility. A quicker eye than Richard
Markham's would have detected a certain swagger in his gait, and
a kind of dashing recklessness about him, which produced an
admirable effect upon the vulgaror the inexperienced, but which
were not calculated to inspire immediate confidence in the
thorough man of the world. Richard was, however, all

(54:47):
frankness and honor himself, andhe did not scruple to return
such an answer to the stranger'sremark as was calculated to
encourage further conversation. I see the count is a broad game,
observed the stranger, followingwith his eyes one of the
horsemen in the drive. Poor fellow, he has been playing
at hide and seek for a long time.
Indeed, And wherefore? Exclaimed Richard.

(55:09):
What are you? A stranger in London, Sir, Cried
the well dressed gentleman, transferring his eyes from the
horsemen to Markham's countenance, on which they were
fixed with an expression of surprise and interest.
Very nearly so, though a resident in its immediate
vicinity all my life, and with the natural ingenuousness of
youth, Richard immediately communicated his entire history,

(55:30):
from beginning to end, to his new acquaintance.
Of a surety there was not much to relate, but the stranger
succeeded in finding out who theyoung man was, under what
circumstances he was now living,and the amount of his present
and future resources. Of course you mean to see life,
said the stranger. Certainly I have already studied
the great world by means of books.

(55:51):
But of course, you know there isnothing like experience.
I can understand how experience is necessary to a man who is
anxious to make a fortune, but not to him who has already got
10. Decidedly it is frequently more
difficult to keep a fortune thanit is to attain one.
How, if I do not speculate? No, but others will speculate

(56:12):
upon you. I really cannot comprehend you,
as I do not wish to increase my means.
Having enough, I shall neither speculate with my own, nor allow
other people to speculate with it for me, and thus I can run no
risk of losing what I possess. The stranger gazed half
incredulously upon Markham for aminute, and then his countenance
expressed the species of sneer. You have never played played at

(56:37):
at cards for money, I mean. Oh, never so much the better.
Never do unless added the stranger.
It is entirely among friends andmen of honor.
But will you avail yourself of my humble vehicle and take one
turn around the drive? The stranger pointed as he spoke
to a very handsome Fayette and paired a little distance and

(56:58):
attended by a dapper looking servant in light blue livery
with silver lace. Might I have the honor of being
acquainted with the name of a gentleman who exhibits so much
kindness? My dear Sir, I really must
apologize for my sin of omission.
You confided your own circumstances so frankly to me
that I cannot do otherwise. Then show you equal confidence
in return. Besides, amongst men of honor,

(57:21):
he continued, laying particularly stress upon a word
which is only so frequently usedto be abused.
Such communications, you know, are necessary.
I do not like that system of familiarity based upon no
grounds which is now becoming soprevalent in London.
For instance, nothing is more common than for one gentleman to
meet another in Bond Street or the Park, or in Burlington

(57:42):
Arcade, for examples sake, and for the one to say to the other,
my dear friend, how are you? Quite well, old fellow, thank
you, but by the by I really forget your name.
However, added the fashionable gentleman with a smile.
Here is my card. My town quarters are Longs
Hotel, my country seat is in Berkshire and my shooting boxes
in Scotland, at all of which I shall be most happy to see you.

(58:06):
Richard, who was not only highlysatisfied with the candor and
openness of his new friend, but also very much pleased and
amused with him, returned suitable acknowledgments for
this kind invitation, and, glancing his eyes over the card
which had been placed in his hands, perceived that he was
conversing with the Honorable Arthur Chichester.
As they were moving toward the phaeton, A gentleman, elegantly

(58:26):
attired, of about middle age andparticularly fascinating in his
manners, accosted Mr. Chichester.
Oh, who would have thought of meeting you here when London is
actually empty and I am ashamed of being yet left in it?
Our mutual friend the Duke assured me that you were gone to
Italy. The Duke always has some joke at

(58:47):
my expense. Returned Mr. Chichester.
He was once the cause of a very lovely girl committing suicide.
She was the only one that I everloved and he one day declared in
her presence that I had just embarked for America.
Poor thing, she went straight upto her room and and echoed
Richard took poison, Added Mr. Chichester, turning his head for

(59:08):
a moment and drawing an elegant cambric handkerchief across his
eyes. Good heavens, ejaculated
Markham, Let me not trouble you with my private afflictions, Sir
Rupert. Allow me to introduce my friend,
Mr. Markham. Mr. Markham.
Sir Rupert. Harborough.
The two gentlemen bowed and the introduction was affected.
Whither are you bound? Inquired Sir Rupert.

(59:30):
We were thinking of an hour's Dr. Leisurely replied Mr.
Chichester, and it was then my intention to have asked my
friend Mr. Markham to dine with me at Longs.
Will you join us, Sir? Rupert, upon my honour, nothing
would give me greater pleasure, but I am engaged to meet the
Duke at Tattersall's, and I am then under a solemn promise to
dine and pass the evening with Diana.

(59:53):
Always gallant, always attentiveto the ladies.
Exclaimed Mr. Chichester. You know, my dear fellow, that
Diana is so amiable, so talented, so fascinating, so
accomplished and so bewitching that I can refuse her nothing.
It is true that her wants and whims are somewhat expensive at
times, but hi bro, I am surprised at you.

(01:00:16):
What complain of the fantasies of the most beautiful woman in
London if not in England? You, a man of 7000 a year, who
with the death of an uncle. Upon.
My honor, I begrudge her nothing, interrupted Sir Rupert,
complacently stroking his chin with his elegantly gloved hand.
But, by the way, if you will honor me and Diana with your

(01:00:37):
company this evening, and if Mr.Markham will also condescend
with much pleasure, said Mr. Chichester.
And I am sure that my friend Mr.Markham will avail himself of
this opportunity of forming the acquaintance of the most
beautiful and fascinating woman in England.
Richard bowed. He dared not attempt an excuse.
He had heard himself dubbed the friend of the Honorable Mr.

(01:00:58):
Arthur Chichester. His ears had caught an
intimation of a dinner at Long's, which he knew by report
to be the headquarters of that section of the fashionable world
that consists of single young gentlemen.
And he now found himself suddenly engaged to pass the
evening with Sir Richard Harborough and a lady of whom
all he knew was that her name was Diana, and that she was the
most beautiful and fascinating creature in England.

(01:01:20):
Truly all this was enough to dazzle him, and he accordingly
resigned himself to Mr. Arthur Chichester's goodwill and
pleasure. Sir Rupert Harborough now
remembered that he must. Not keep the Duke waiting.
And having kissed the tip of hislemon colored glove to Mr.
Chichester, and made a semi ceremonious, semi gracious bow
to Markham, that kind of bow whose formality is attempered by

(01:01:43):
the blandness of the smile accompanying it, he hastened
away. It may be, however, mentioned as
a singular circumstance, and as a proof of how little he cared
about keeping the Duke waiting, that instead of proceeding
toward Tattersalls, he departed in the direction of Oxford St.
This little incident was, however, unnoticed by Richard,
for the simple reason that at this epoch of his life he did

(01:02:05):
not know where Tattersalls was. What do you think of my friend?
The baronet inquired Mr. Chichester as they rolled
leisurely along the drive in theelegant Fayeton.
I am quite delighted with him, answered Richard.
And if Her Ladyship be only as agreeable as her husband, excuse
me, but you must not call her Her Ladyship.
Address her, and speak of her only as Missus Arlington.

(01:02:27):
I am really at a loss to comprehend my dear friend, said
Chichester, sinking his voice, although there was no danger of
being overheard. Diana is not the wife of Sir
Rupert Harborough. The baronet is unmarried.
And this lady? Is his mistress, added Markham
hastily. In that case, I most certainly
shall not accept the kind invitation I received for this

(01:02:47):
evening. Nonsense, my dear friend, you
must adopt your behavior to the.Customs of the sphere in which
you move. You belong to the aristocracy,
like me, and like the baronet inthe upper class.
Even supposing you have a wife, she is only an encumbrance.
Nothing is so characteristic of want of gentility as to marry
early and As for children. They are the very.

(01:03:09):
Essence of vulgarity Then of course, each man of fashion in
London has his mistress, even though he only keeps her for the
sake of his friends. This is quite allowable amongst
the aristocracy. Remember, I am not advocating
the cause of immorality. I would not have every butcher
and tea dealer in linen Draper do the same.
God forbid. Then it would indeed be the
height of depravity. Since it is the fashion, and you

(01:03:32):
assure me that there is nothing wrong in this connection between
the Baronet and Misses Arlington, at least that the
usages of high life admit it, I will not advance any further
scruples, said Richard, althoughhe had a slight suspicion, like
the ringing of far distant bellsin his ears, that the doctrine
upon which his companion had just propounded was not based
upon the most tenable grounds. It was now 6:30 in the evening,

(01:03:58):
and one after the other the splendid equipages and gay
horsemen withdrew in somewhat rapid succession.
The weather was, nevertheless, still exquisitely fine.
Indeed, it was the most enchanting portion of the entire
day. The sky was of a soft and serene
Azure, upon which appeared here and there thin vapors of snowy
white, motionless and still, fornot a breath of wind stirred the

(01:04:20):
leaf upon the tree. Neither did Naples nor Albano
nor Sorentom boast a more beautiful horizon, and as the
sun sank toward the western verge she bathed all that the
eye could embrace, earth and sky, dwelling in Grove, garden,
and field in a glorious flood ofgolden light.
At 7:00 Mr. Chichester and his new acquaintance sat down to

(01:04:43):
dinner in the coffee room at Long's Hotel.
The turtle was unexceptionable, the iced punch faultless.
Then came the succulent neck of venison and the prime Madera.
The dinner passed off pleasantlyenough, and Richard was more and
more captivated with his. Friend.
He was, however, somewhat astonished at the vast
quantities of wine which the honourable Mr. Chichester

(01:05:05):
swallowed, apparently without the slightest inconvenience to
himself. Mr. Chichester diverted him with
amusing anecdotes, lively sallies, and extraordinary
narratives, and Richard found that his new friend had not only
travelled all over Europe, but was actually the bosom friend of
some of the most powerful of itssovereigns.
These statements, moreover, rather appeared to slip forth in

(01:05:27):
the course of conversation rather than to be made
purposely, and thus they were stamped with an additional air
of truth and importance. At about 9:30, the Honourable
Mr. Chichester proposed to adjourn to the lodgings of
Missus Arlington. Richard, who had been induced by
the example of his friend, and by the excitement of an
interesting conversation to imbibe more wine than he was

(01:05:48):
accustomed to take, was now delighted with the prospect of
passing an agreeable evening, and he readily acceded to Mr.
Chichester's proposal. Misses Arlington occupied
splendidly furnished apartments of the first and second floors
over a music shop in Bond St. Thither, therefore, did the two
gentlemen repair on foot, and ina short time they were
introduced into the drawing room, where the Baronet and his

(01:06:11):
fair. Companion was seated.
Well, this is an interesting development, isn't it?
Who can this Mr. Chichester be? And Sir Rupert Harborough and
his mistress? Are they sharps on the nose for
a flat to clean out? If so, they couldn't have done
much better than to hit upon Richard Markham, that naive

(01:06:32):
young man on the brink of a great fortune.
I guess we'll soon see. There does appear to be some
sort of game afoot. Will it turn out badly for
Richard? It'll take a few chapters to get
the answers to the many questions this one raises.
We'll get some of those answers,but by no means all of them.
In the next chapter. We'll also get some new ones.

(01:06:52):
In it, Richard Markham meets Diana Arlington and is utterly
smitten. Then a short, stout, vulgar
looking man enters the room. This is Augustus Talbot, and he
is truly crass. He keeps trying to steer the
conversation round to the subject of a corn he's afflicted
with on his little toe. Chichester and Harborough are
clearly worried that Talbot might spoil their chances of

(01:07:15):
making a favorable impression onRichard.
Why would they be so concerned? It's increasingly obvious that
they are playing a game and he is a mark.
Is Mr. Talbot also a mark? What is their game, anyway?
Then a new guest arrives, apparently another prospective
mark whom they met at the opera the previous week.
Mr. Walter Sidney, an effeminatelooking, well dressed youth whom

(01:07:39):
we last saw being pitched down through the floor of the thieves
crib into the Fleet River. But he's different.
He seems wise in a way nobody else is.
Who is he? What game is he playing?
We'll see. Before we mizzle off for the
night, let's pause to appreciateone of the bits of poetical

(01:07:59):
fervor that we've been handed down from the early Victorian
era via one of the great old informal evening songbooks.
This one comes from The Convivialist, an extensive
collection of humorous flash andlove songs published by Jay
Duncan of Holborn and sold in the streets for sixpence in the
early 1830s. Maybe I should have saved this
one for a Sweeney Todd episode, because it's titled Bill Bounce

(01:08:22):
the Swell Cove out O luck. Remember, Major Bounce misses
Lovett Souter, who came along inChapter 37 and was made into
pies in Chapter 45. A close relation, surely, maybe
even an inspiration for Major Bounce, because of course this
came out in 1833 or so, and Major Bounce as a character was

(01:08:43):
developed in 1846. Let's get started here, Bill.
Bounce the swell Cove out O Luck.
A popular rum chant as sung at the convivial assemblies.
The tune is Irish Washerwoman. In London town there once did
dwell a broken kneed E threadbare swell.

(01:09:05):
Broken kneed was slang for bankrupt.
He was well known to High and low, the chicory gent of Rotten
Row. Chicory was slang for
drunkenness. Fate, like a ball, knocked him
about as if to put him in mind of clout.
Clout, by the way, is slang for theft.
In truth, he was a sorry buck. Bill.
Bounce the swell Cove out O luckand the chorus is basically

(01:09:28):
nonsense cagedy cringe fi fudlumfum grip O grab O brevito rum
pawn tikichipo hand me down sneakery cheekery rum T Tom next
verse. His CD coat, once best of
clothes, had been a cook shop tothe moths for his uncle when it
was in good trim, had had its use much more than him uncle as

(01:09:49):
a reference to a pawnbroker. His funny bones once laughed in
their sleeve, but now they looked out but to grieve.
In truth he looked a decoy. Duck bill, bounce the swell Cove
out, O luck, and then had you but seen his hat Twas worth its
weight, I'm sure, in fat. And his tattered shirt he dared
not doff because it wouldn't go on again if it came off.

(01:10:12):
His stocking feet were coaxed and crushed that the taters from
their windows blushed. Taters meaning dirty toes.
They kind of look like potatoes and his shoes like shovels.
Scoop the muck Bill bounced the swell Cove out O luck.
The seatless panto loons he worelike Harlequin's dress looked
much more with large straight stripes an inch apart.

(01:10:32):
He wanted stripes to make him smart.
Twere shame to rig so sad O white, but he wanted rigging.
So then it's right poor in purseand Panem struck.
Bill bounced the swell Cove out O Luck.
Panemstruck means hungry. Panem is slang for bread.
It derives from a word in the Roma language.
Where ere he went, the girls would grin.

(01:10:53):
His winning ways were sure to win.
Like clustering cobwebs hung hishair.
A barefaced man and quite a bear.
The cry was raised by all the wags.
There goes a walking bundle O rags.
But still he bore it with all pluck.
Bill bounced the swell Cove out O luck, a third hand cloak he
bought one day. A sort of dandy russet Gray.

(01:11:15):
He marched about a swaggering pup like a dirty joke.
He was well wrapped up. He could make a pun and laugh
himself. He'd victimize if he met an elf
at concert room. He'd drink your suck.
Bill, bounce the swell Cove out O luck.
That sounds pretty gross, but suck was a just a generic
reference to beverage. Probably wine last verse, but to

(01:11:36):
mark his pride it did come down to Mcadamize stones about the
town, a wanton proof of fortune's freak.
His wages 7 Bob a week. But yet the fall his pride near
broke. He thumped away still in his
cloak, and now he drags about a truck bill bounce the swell Cove
out of luck. In other words, he had to get a
job, but he hasn't let it affecthis self-image.

(01:11:58):
I don't know. I don't think that's really
worth making fun of, but I guessI'm not going to go back in time
and judge these folks. Anyway, that concludes this
episode of the weekly Penny Dreadful Radio Hour.
I do hope you'll join me again next week, same Springfield
time, same Springfield channel for our next regular show.

(01:12:19):
But there's no need to wait a whole week.
We've got 1/2 hour Tupani Terrible Tuesday episode coming
up in just two days, in which we'll have Chapter 17 of Varney
the Vampire or The Feast of Blood by James Malcolm Reimer.
In it, the visitor in the gardendoes indeed turn out to be Sir
Francis Varney. He's come to the house to see
the portrait that resembles him,or so he says.

(01:12:42):
He behaves with very provoking coolness, and it seems like he's
trying to get up a quarrel somehow, maybe with an eye
toward fighting a duel with Charles or or or Henry.
But mostly he seems to want Charles.
Will he succeed in this? And why on earth would he do
that? Plus, we'll have another spicy
saloon song and some more flash Can't words coming your way in

(01:13:02):
two nights at Dick Turpin's Scragging Hour.
That's 537 PM, 1737 military time this coming Tuesday eve.
Because the chapter of Varney isso long, we're not going to be
able to get to some of the otherstuff, but we'll get at least
one spicy saloon song in. Our theme music is a version of
Golden Slippers, A minstrel showsong written by James A Bland in

(01:13:25):
1879. This version is by Seattle old
time band $4.00 Shoe. For more of their music, see
$4.00 shoe.com. That's the number 4, the word
dollar and the word shoe all crammed together into one word
in all lowercase, the Penny Dreadful Variety Hours, a
creation of Pulp Lit productions.
For more details, see pulp-lit.com.

(01:13:45):
To get in touch with me, hit me up at finn@pulp-lit.com.
Thanks again for joining me Nabs.
It is time now for us to Pike off like we spotted a red West.
Get down the lane for the Penny Dreadful variety show.
I'm Finn, JD, John signing off and now fair forth and fill up
the rest of the week with all that is rum to tum with the
chill. Off.

(01:14:06):
Bye now.

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2.12: Evil Count Lerno makes his move! — The titled hustlers move in on Richard Markham. — The door-knocker pirates at play! — And sundry flash terms, spicy songs, etc.etc.

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