A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Terrible Minisode IN WHICH —
0:02:20: VARNEY THE VAMPYRE, Ch. 16:
- In which: The visitor in the garden does indeed turn out to be Sir Francis Varney, the vampire! He has come to the house to see the portrait that resembles him, or so he claims. But he behaves with very provoking coolness and seems like he is trying to get up a quarrel somehow, maybe with an eye toward fighting a duel with Charles Holland, whom he has literally just met. Will he succeed? And why on Earth would he do that?
0:29:15: A CHAUNT OF THE FEMALE PAWNBROKER:
- A frisky supper-club song from the 1830s, sung lustily by gentlemen when there were no ladies about, in tribute to the tribe of nymphs du pave.
PLUS —
- A miscellany of flash-cant words and other tidbits of late-Regency and early-Victorian life!
Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!
GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:
- Angelics: Pretty young unmarried women.
- Corinthians: Sporting men of rank and fashion.
- Bolt the Moon: Fly by night.
- Beaks: Magistrates, judges, etc.
- Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
- Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.
- Under-standing: Slang reference to a man's erection visibly distending his trousers. Modern equivalent: Pitching a tent.
- Up the spout: Pawned.
- Put-in: As a compound noun, a vague slang term for sex.
- Thing: In context, a reference to a penis.
- Pippin: A funny fellow; also a friendly way of greeting: How are you, my pippins?
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:10):
A tip top Tuesday. Evening to all you.
Angelics, Corinthians and Knights of the Brush and Moon.
I'm your host, Finn. JD John welcoming you.
Back to the Chafing Crib, it's Tupeny Terrible Tuesday once
again on the Penny Dreadful Variety Hour show, and time for
the Tuesday Tupeny Terrible DemiHour.
It's a shorter show to tide you over till next Sunday and to
(00:31):
speed things up a bit so it doesn't take more than two weeks
to get to the next chapter of your favorite dreadful.
And if you don't mind a bit of salaciousness and cheek, stick
around after the dreadful has been read.
We don't do outright porno, and yes, there was a lot of that in
the Victorian age, but some of the supper club and drinking
saloon songs that we get into onTuesdays can be spicy enough to
(00:51):
require an explicit tag. Today is not one of those days,
but there's plenty of duble entendres so it should keep.
You entertained. It's a.
Work night, isn't it? So maybe go easy on the Blue
Ruin tonight. Maybe pour yourself a pint of
Strike Me Dead or a Little Flicker to take the chill off
and sit back and smile. A booster shot dose of penny
dreadful goodness is coming yourway right now.
(01:17):
Here's what we've got in store for tonight.
We're starting out right away with Chapter 17 of Varney the
Vampire or The Feast of Blood byJames Malcolm Rhymer, which
first started publication in 1845.
In it, the visitor to the gardendoes indeed turn out to be Sir
Francis Varney. He's come to the house to see
the portrait that resembles him,or so he says.
(01:38):
But he seems like he probably more likely came to the house to
try and get up a quarrel with Charles Holland, maybe with
Henry Bannerworth, But he seems more interested in getting
Charles Holland out of the way. Why do you?
Think and will he succeed in this?
We'll see. Then we'll dive right into the
PG13 portion of the show with a song, and alas, we probably
(02:00):
won't have time for more than one, as this chapter of Varney
the Vampire is particularly long.
But we'll get a song from one ofthe many collections of drinking
and thieving and sing it sinningsongs with which our favorite
historical period abounded. So yeah, let's get to it. 1st,
(02:21):
it's time for Chapter 17 of Varney the Vampire.
Now. Last week in Chapter 16 of
Varney several chapters ago, Flora had asked Charles to meet
her in the garden gazebo in the yard of the estate.
This meeting now happens in chapter 16.
Flora begs Charles to leave her.She loves him too much to allow
the vampire's curse to affect him.
(02:43):
The. Curse of God has fallen upon me.
I know not why. She sobs.
But. Charles is adamant.
Let sorrow and misfortune shake their grizzly locks.
In vain he cries. Heart to heart, hand to hand
with me. Defy them.
A sunbeam then pierces the clouds and shines down directly
on Flora's face. They agree to take this as an
(03:04):
omen and have no more talk of Charles leaving.
But just as all is looking copacetic, suddenly Flora
catches a glimpse of a tall, thin man stepping into the door
of the summer house. The vampire.
The vampire, she shrieks. Is it he?
Who else? You already know from the
introduction to this episode It is indeed Sir Francis Varney in
(03:26):
the flesh. Let's find out what he wants.
Chapter 17. The explanation.
The arrival of the Admiral at the house, the scene of
confusion and some of its results so sudden and so utterly
(03:47):
unexpected a cry of alarm from Flora at such a time, might well
have the effect of astounding the nerves of anyone.
And no wonder that Charles was for a few seconds absolutely
petrified and almost unable to think mechanically.
Then he turned his eyes toward the door of the summer house,
and there he saw a tall, thin man, rather elegantly dress,
(04:12):
whose countenance, certainly in its wonderful resemblance to the
portrait of the panel, might well appall anyone.
The stranger stood in the irresolute attitude, on the
threshold of the summer House, of one who did not wish to
intrude, but who found it awkward, if not more so now to
retreat than to advance. Before Charles Holland could
(04:33):
summon any words to his head, orthink of freeing himself from
the clinging grasp of flora which was wound round him, the
stranger made a very low and courtly bow, After which he
said, in winning accents, I verymuch fear that I am an intruder
here. Allow me to offer my warmest
apologies, and to assure, Sir and you, Madam, that I had no
(04:57):
idea that anyone was in the Arbor.
You perceive the rain as fallingsmartly, and I made towards
here, seeing it was likely to shelter me from the shower.
These words were spoken in such a plausible and courtly tone of
voice that they might well have become any drawing room in the
Kingdom. Flora kept her eyes fixed upon
(05:18):
him during the utterance of these words, and as she
convulsively clutched the arm ofCharles, she kept on whispering.
The vampire. The vampire, I much fear, added
the stranger in the same bland tones that I have been the cause
of some alarm to the young lady.Release me, whispered Charles to
(05:39):
Flora, release me, I will followhim at once.
No, no, do not leave me, do not leave me, the vampire, the
dreadful vampire. But, Flora, Hush, hush, hush, it
speaks again. Perhaps I ought to account for
my appearance in the garden at all, added the insinuating
stranger. The fact is, I came on a visit.
(06:02):
Flora shuddered. To Mr. Henry Bannerworth,
continued the stranger, and finding the garden gate open, I
came in without troubling the servants, which I much regret,
as I can perceive that I have alarmed and annoyed the lady.
Madam, pray accept of my apologies in the name of God.
(06:23):
Who are you? Said Charles.
My name is Varney. Oh, yes, you are the Sir Francis
Varney residing close by, who bears so fearful A resemblance
to Pray? Go on, Sir.
I am all attention to a portraithere.
Indeed. Now I reflect a moment.
(06:44):
Mr. Henry Bannerworth did incidentally mention something
of the sort. It's a most singular
coincidence. The sound of approaching
footsteps was now plainly heard,and in a few moments Henry and
George, along with Mr. Marchdale, reached the spot.
Their appearance showed that they had made haste, and Henry
(07:04):
at once exclaimed. We heard, or fancied we heard,
a. Cry of alarm.
You did hear it, said Charles Holland.
Do you know this gentleman? It is Sir Francis Varney indeed.
Varney bowed to the newcomers and was all together as much at
his ease as everyone else seemed.
Quite the contrary. Even Charles Holland found the
(07:26):
difficulty of going up to such awell bred, gentlemanly man and
saying, Sir, we believe you to be a vampire to be almost, if
not insurmountable. I cannot do it, he thought, but
I will watch him take me away, whispered Flora.
Tis he, tis he? Oh, take me away, Charles.
(07:46):
Hush, Flora, hush. You are in some error.
The accidental resemblance should not make us be rude to
this gentleman. The vampire.
It is the vampire. Are you sure, Flora?
Do I know your features? My own, My brothers.
Do not ask me to doubt. I cannot.
I am quite sure. Take me from his hideous
(08:07):
presence, Charles. The young lady, I fear, is very
much indisposed, remarked Sir Francis Varney in a sympathetic
tone of voice. If she will take my arm, I shall
esteem it a great honour. No, no, God, no, cried Flora.
Madam, I will not press you. He bowed, and Charles LED Flora
(08:31):
from the summer house towards the hall.
Flora, he said. I am bewildered.
I know not what to. Think that, man?
Most certainly has been fashioned after the portrait
which is on the panel in the room you formerly occupied, or
it has been painted from him. He is my midnight visitor,
exclaimed Flora. He is the vampire.
(08:54):
This Sir Francis Varney is the vampire.
Good God, what can be done? I know not.
I am nearly distracted. Be calm, Flora, if this man
really is what you name him, we now know from what quarter the
mischief comes, which is at all events, a point gained.
Be assured we shall place a watch on him.
(09:15):
Oh, it is terrible to meet him here, and he is so wonderfully
anxious, too, to possess the hall.
He is, he is. It looks strange, the whole
affair. But, Flora, be assured of one
thing, and that is for your own safety.
Can I be assured of that? Most certainly.
Go to your mother now. Here we are, you see, Fairly
(09:37):
within doors. Go to your mother, dear Flora,
and keep yourself quiet. I will return to this mysterious
man now with a cooler judgement than I left him.
You will watch him, Charles. I will indeed.
And you will not let him approach the house here alone?
I will not. Oh, that the Almighty should
allow such beings to haunt the earth.
(09:59):
Hush, Flora, hush. We cannot judge of his all wise
purpose. Tis hard that the innocent
should be inflicted with its presence.
Charles bowed his head in mournful assent.
Is it not very, very dreadful? Hush, hush.
Calm yourself, dearest, calm yourself.
Recollect that all we have to goupon in this matter is a
(10:20):
resemblance which, after all, may be accidental.
But leave it all to me, and be assured that now I have some
clues to this affair. I will not lose sight of it, or
of Sir Francis Varney. So saying, Charles surrendered
Flora to the care of their mother, and then was hastening
back to the summer house, when he met the whole party coming
(10:40):
towards the hall, for the rain was each moment increasing in
intensity. We are returning, remarked Sir
Francis Varney, with a half bow and a smile to Charles.
Allow me, said Henry, to introduce you, Mr. Holland, to
our neighbor, Sir Francis Varney.
Charles felt himself compelled to behave with courtesy,
although his mind was so full ofconflicting feelings as regarded
(11:04):
Varney. But there was no avoiding
without such brutal rudeness as was inconsistent with all his
pursuits and habits, replying insomething like the same strain
to the extreme courtly politeness of the supposed
vampire. I will watch him closely,
thought Charles. I can do no more than watch him
closely. Sir Francis Varney seemed to be
(11:25):
a man of the most general and discursive information.
He talked fluently and pleasantly upon all sorts of
topics, and notwithstanding he could not but have heard what
Flora had said of him, he asked no question whatever upon that
subject. This silence, as regarded a
matter which would at once have induced some sort of inquiry
(11:46):
from any other man, Charles felt, told much against him, and
he trembled to believe for a moment that, after all, it might
really be true. Is he a vampire?
He asked himself. Are there vampires?
And is this man of fashion, thiscourtly, talented, educated
gentleman one? It was a perfectly hideous
question. You are charmingly situated
(12:09):
here, remarked Varney, as, afterascending the few steps that led
to the whole door, he turned andlooked at the view from that
slight altitude. The place has been much
esteemed, said Henry, for its picturesque beauties of scenery.
And well it may be, I trust, Mr.Harlan, that the young lady is
much better. She is, Sir, said Charles.
(12:31):
I was not honoured by an introduction.
It was my fault, said Henry, whospoke to his extraordinary guest
with an air of forced hilarity. It was my fault for not
introducing you to my sister. And that was your sister?
It was, Sir. Report has not belied her.
She is beautiful, but she looks rather pale, I thought.
(12:53):
Has she bad health? The best of health, indeed,
perhaps the little disagreeable circumstance which has made so
much food for gossip in the neighborhood, has affected her
spirits. It has you allude to the
supposed visit here of a vampire, said Charles, as he
fixed his eyes upon Varney's face.
(13:15):
Yes, I allude to the supposed appearance of the supposed
vampire in this family, said SirFrancis Varney, as he returned
the earnest gaze of Charles withsuch unshrinking assurance that
the young man was compelled, after about a minute nearly to
withdraw his own eyes. He will not be cowed, thought
Charles. Use has made him familiar to
(13:37):
such cross questioning. It appeared now suddenly to
occur to Henry that he had said something at Varney's own house
which should have prevented him from coming to the hall, and he
now remarked. We scarcely expected the
pleasure of your company here, Sir Francis Varney.
Oh, my dear Sir, I am aware of that.
But you aroused my curiosity. You mentioned to me that there
(14:01):
was a portrait here. Amazingly like me, Did I Indeed
you did, or how could I know it?I wanted to see if the
resemblance was so perfect. Did you hear, Sir, added Henry,
that my sister was alarmed at your likeness to the portrait?
No, really, I pray you to walk in, and we will talk more at
(14:23):
large upon that matter. With great pleasure.
One leads a monotonous life in the country when compared with
the brilliancy of a court existence.
Just now I have no particular engagement.
As we are near neighbors, I see no reason why we should not be
good friends, and often interchange such civilities as
(14:44):
make up the amenities of existence, and which in the
country more particularly are valuable.
Henry could not be hypocrite enough to assent to this, but
still, under the present aspect of affairs it was impossible to
return any but a civil reply. So he said.
Oh, yes, of course, most certainly.
My time is very much occupied, and my sister and mother see no
(15:07):
company. Oh no, how wrong.
Wrong, Sir. Yes, surely, if anything more
than another tends to harmonize individuals, it is the Society
of that fairer half of the creation which we love for their
very foibles. I am much attached to the softer
(15:27):
sex to young persons of health. I like to see the rosy cheeks
with a warm blood, and mantels in the superficial veins.
And all his loveliness and life.Charles shrank back, and the
word demon unconsciously escapedhis lips.
Sir Francis took no manner of notice of the expression, but
(15:50):
went on talking as if he had been on the very happiest terms
with everyone present. Will you follow me at once to
the chamber where the portrait hangs, said Henry, or will you
partake of some refreshment first?
No refreshment for me, said Varney.
My dear friend, if you will permit me to call you such, this
is a time of the day at which I never do take any refreshment,
(16:14):
nor any other, thought Henry. They all went to the chamber
where Charles had passed one very disagreeable night, and
when they arrived, Henry pointedto the portrait on the panel,
saying, There, Sir Francis Varney, is your likeness.
He looked, and having walked up to it in an undertone, rather as
if he were conversing with himself than making a remark for
(16:36):
anyone else to hear, he said, Itis wonderfully like it is.
Indeed, said Charles, if I standbeside it.
Thus, said Varney, placing himself in a favorable attitude
for comparing the two faces, I dare say you will be more struck
with the likeness than before. So accurate was it now that the
(17:00):
same light fell upon his face asthat under which the painter had
executed the portrait, that all started back a step or two.
Some artists, remarked Varney, have the sense to ask where a
portrait is to be hung before they paint it, and they adapt
their lights and shadows to those which would fall upon the
original were it similarly situated.
(17:22):
I cannot stand this, said Charles to Henry.
I must question him further. Has he pleased?
But do not insult him. I will not.
He is beneath my roof now, and after all, it is but a hideous
suspicion we have of him. Rely upon me.
Charles stepped forward, and once again confronting Varney
with an earnest gaze, he said, Do you know, Sir, that Miss
(17:44):
Bannerworth declares the vampireshe fancies to have visited her
chamber to be in features the exact counterpart of this
portrait? Does she indeed?
She does indeed, and perhaps then that accounts for her
thinking that I am the vampire because I bear a strong
resemblance to the portrait. I should not be surprised, said
(18:06):
Charles. How very odd.
Very, and yet entertaining. I am rather amused than
otherwise. The idea of being a vampire, ha
ha. If I ever go to a Masquerade
again, I shall certainly assume the character of a vampire.
You would do it? Well, I dare say now I should
(18:28):
make quite a sensation. I am certain you would.
Do you not think, gentlemen, that Sir Francis Varney would
enact the character to the. Very life by.
Heaven, he would do it so well that one might, without much
difficulty, really imagine him avampire.
BB said Varney, as he gently folded his hands together with
that genteel applause that may be indulged even in a box at the
(18:52):
opera itself. Bravo.
I like to see young persons enthusiastic.
It looks as if they had some of the real fire of genius in their
composition. BB.
This was, Charles thought, the very height and Acme of
impudence. And yet what could he do?
(19:13):
What could he say? He was foiled by the downright
coolness of Varney. As for Henry, George, and Mr.
Marchdale, they had listened to what was passing between Sir
Francis and Charles in silence. They feared to diminish the
effect of anything Charles mightsay by adding a word of their
own, and likewise they did not wish to lose 1 observation that
(19:34):
might come from the lips of Varney.
But now Charles appeared to havesaid all he had to say.
He turned to the window and looked out.
He seemed like a man who has made-up his mind for a time to
give up some contest in which hehad been engaged.
And perhaps not so much did he give it up from any feeling or
consciousness of being beaten asfrom a conviction that it could
(19:55):
be the more effectually at some other and far more eligible
opportunity renewed. Varney now addressed Henry,
saying, I presume the subject ofour conference when you did me.
The honor of a call is no secretto anyone here, none whatever,
said Henry. Then perhaps I am too early in
(20:17):
asking you if you have made-up your mind.
I have scarcely certainly had time to think.
My dear Sir, do not let me hurryyou.
I much regret indeed the intrusion you seem.
Anxious to possess the hall. Remarked Mr. Marchdale to
Varney. I am.
Is it new to you? Not quite.
(20:40):
I have some boyish recollectionsconnected with this
neighborhood, among which Banner, with Hall, stands
sufficiently prominent. May I ask how long ago that was?
Said Charles Holland, Rather abruptly.
I do not recollect my enthusiastic young friend, said
Varney. How old are you?
(21:00):
Just about 21. You are then, for your age,
quite a model of discretion. It would have been difficult for
the most accurate observer of human nature to have decided
whether this was said truthfullyor ironically, so Charles made
no reply to it whatever. I trust, said Henry, we shall
induce you, as this is your first visit, Sir Francis Varney,
(21:22):
to the Hall to partake of something.
Well, well, a cup of wine. Is that your service?
Henry now led the way to a smallparlor, which, although by no
means one of the showiest rooms of the house, was, from the care
and exquisite carving with whichit abounded, much more to the
taste of anyone who possessed anaccurate judgement in such works
(21:45):
of art. Then wine was ordered, and
Charles took an opportunity of whispering to Henry.
Note as well, if he drinks, I will.
Do you see that beneath his coatthere is a raised place as if
his arm was bound up. I do.
There then was where the bullet from the pistol fired by Flora
when we were at the church hit him.
(22:06):
Hush, for God's sake. Hush.
You are getting into a dreadful state of excitement, Charles.
Hush. Hush.
And can you blame? No.
No. But what can we do?
You are right, nothing we can doat present.
We have a clue now, and be it our mutual inclination as well
as a duty to follow it. Oh, you shall see how calm I
will be for friendship's sake. Be so.
(22:27):
I have noticed that his eyes flash upon yours with no
friendly feeling. His friendship where a curse.
Hush, he drinks. Watch him.
I will, gentlemen all, said Sir Francis Varney, in such soft
dulcet tones that it was quite afascination to hear him speak.
Gentlemen, all being, as I am, much delighted with your
(22:50):
company, do not accuse me of presumption if I drink now, poor
drinker that I am to our future merry meetings.
He raised the wine to his lips and seemed to drink, after which
he replaced the glass upon the table.
Charles glanced at it. It was still full.
You have not drunk Sir Francis Varney, he said.
(23:12):
Pardon me enthusiastic, young Sir, said Varney.
Perhaps you will have the liberality to allow me to take
my wine how I please and when I please.
Your glass is full. Well, Sir, will you drink it?
Not at any man's bidding, most certainly.
If the fair Flora Bannerworth would grace the board with her
(23:36):
sweet presence, methinks I couldthen drink on, on, on.
Hock you, Sir, cried Charles. I can bear no more of this.
We have had in this house most horrible and damning evidence
that there are such things as vampires.
Have you really? I suppose you eat raw pork at
supper, and so have had the nightmare.
(23:58):
A jest is welcome in its place. But pray hear me out, Sir, if it
suits your lofty courtesy to do so.
Oh, certainly. And I say we believe, as far as
human judgement has a right to go, that a vampire has been
here. Go on, it's interesting.
I always was a lover of the wildand the wonderful.
(24:18):
We have, too, continued Charles.Some reason to believe that you
are the man. Varney tapped his forehead as he
glanced at Henry and said, Oh dear, I did not know.
You should have told me. He was a little wrong about the
brain. I might have quarrelled with the
lad. Dear me, how lamentable for his
poor mother. This will not do.
(24:39):
Sir Francis Varney alias Banoworth, 00 Be calm, be calm.
I defy you to your teeth, Sir. No, God, no.
Your teeth, Poor lad. Poor lad.
You are a cowardly. Demon and.
Here, I swear to devote myself to your destruction.
Sir Francis Varney drew himself up to his full height, and that
(25:02):
was immense, as he said to Henry.
I pray you, Mr. Banoworth, sinceI am thus grievously insulted
beneath your roof, to tell me ifyour friend here be mad or sane.
He's not mad. Then hold, Sir, the quarrel
shall be mine. In the name of my persecuted
sister, in the name of heaven, Sir Francis Varney, I defy you.
(25:25):
Sir Francis, in spite of his impenetrable calmness, appeared
somewhat moved as he said, I have endured insults sufficient.
I will endure no more if there are weapons at hand.
My young. Friend interrupted Mr.
Marchdale, stepping between the excited man, is carried away by
his. Feelings and knows not.
What he says, you will look uponit in that light, Sir Francis.
(25:49):
We need no interference, exclaimed Varney, his hitherto
bland voice changing to one of fury.
The hot blooded fool wishes to fight, and he shall.
To the death. To the death.
And I. Say he shall not, exclaimed Mr.
Marchdale, taking Henry by the arm.
George, he added, turning to theyoung.
Man, assist me in persuading your.
(26:10):
Brother to leave the. Room conceive the.
Agony of your mother and sister if anything should happen to
him. Varney smiled with a devilish
sneer as he listened to these words.
And then he said, As you will, as you will.
There will be plenty of time andperhaps better opportunity.
Gentleman, I bid you good day. And with provoking coolness he
(26:33):
moved toward the door and quitted the room.
Remain here, said Mr. Marchdale.I will follow him and see that
he quits the premises. He did so, and the young men
from the window beheld Sir Francis walking slowly across
the garden, and then saw Mr. Marchdale follow on his track.
While they were thus occupied, atremendous ringing came at the
(26:55):
gate, but their attention was soriveted to what was passing in
the garden that they paid not the least attention to it.
Now, this chapter is very puzzling.
At first glance, we know Sir Francis Varney is for some
reason very eager to get unsupervised access to
(27:15):
Bannerworth Hall by purchasing it or renting it, or, as we now
see, sneaking around while nobody is looking.
Henry has literally already decided to sell or rent the
place to him. All he has to do is behave like
an ordinary man of business for a day or two and all will be
well. By behaving with such cool
effrontery, Varney risks scotching the deal completely.
(27:37):
Why would he? Do such a thing?
Well, what one thing changed between Henry's visit to Radford
Abbey and today? Charles Holland, that's what.
Something about the addition of Charles Holland into the mix
clearly threw Varney's plans into a tailspin.
A bad enough one that Varney went so far as to have his uncle
written to in order to try and get him to back off Charles
(27:59):
Holland. I mean, sometimes in these early
dreadfuls, it's hard to tell thedifference between the times
when the author is padding the story to make word count and
when he is playing a long, subtle game.
We shall see if this scene represents the one or the other
in the next chapter. Admiral Bell and Jack Pringle
arrive at the hall and meet the principal players.
(28:19):
Mr. Marchdale and Sir Francis Varney appear to have an
argument. Sir Francis punches Marchdale,
Admiral Bell wants to see. Charles, though obviously very
fond of him, is trying to be severe and demanding an
explanation about the vampire thing.
Will Admiral Bell put the kiboshon his nephew's romantic
prospects? And if he does, what will happen
with Flora? And why does Sir Francis Varney
(28:41):
want so badly to stir up trouble?
Well, stay tuned. All right now.
If you're just here for the penny dreadful, that's it for.
Today. But this Tupany Terrible Tuesday
episode of the Penny Dreadful variety show continues.
And what we've done is we've moved the most salacious parts
of our show, the naughty bits ifyou will, to Tupany Terrible
(29:02):
Tuesday. And hey, lucky you, it's now
Tupany Terrible Tuesday, so if you're interested in body
drinking songs, risque anecdotesand dirty jokes that were part
of 1840s life, stick around. We're going to start off by
turning to our most reliable source of salacious songs and
naughty bits, references and other spicy fare via one of the
(29:24):
great old informal evening song books.
This one comes from The Convivialist, an extensive
collection of humorous flash andlove songs published by Jay
Duncan of Holborn and sold in the streets for sixpence in the
early 1830s. And yeah, this one is loaded
with double entendres. In order that you should
understand those, though, I wantto explain some slang usages.
(29:45):
First, let's start with understanding.
This term could be used to mean something that a man kept under
wraps, which was standing up, pitching a tent if you will.
When somebody said a thing was up the spout, a coat, a hat, a
flat iron, etcetera, that meant that it had been pawned for some
ready money and needed to be redeemed.
(30:05):
Obviously the spout, with its connotations of moistness and
flowing water, was ripe for all kinds of lascivious word play,
and this song will not be lacking in that regard.
Put in was sometimes used as a noun to refer to sex.
We had a rare. Old put in last.
Night, me and violity. Folks who said nobody in the
(30:27):
history of the universe. But anyway, folks who wanted to
be discreet or coy used to also refer to the old love loaf as my
thing or your thing. Yeah, last item, pawnbrokers
back in the day had a professional symbol like the
barbers did with the red and white pole.
For pawnbrokers, it was 3 goldenballs dangling from a bar.
(30:48):
Obviously balls are fun to pun on when you're making sex jokes,
so. There's that too.
Now that ought to be enough to properly interpret this one.
So here we go. The female pawnbroker.
Or hanging out the balls. A very popular Saturday night
chaunt air 3 jolly pigeons. Let your songsters and poets.
(31:09):
And song cry up your wealthy pawnbroker.
But to sing of a different throng, my gay, skittish muse, I
invoke her. The female.
Pawnbroker. I mean, I give you a right
understanding. At every street corner there
seem like other pawn shops that are landing.
Every street corner, of course, is a reference to prostitutes,
(31:32):
which that would be what they'rereally singing about here.
Female pawnbrokers. Back to the song.
That these brokers take things up the spout is a thing I can
vouch for with Verity, and thosethat put in I've no doubt will
never judge them with asperity. For these spouts like others all
(31:52):
night for your things they remain ever open.
And when you are in your delightcan there be depicted by nopin
The balls too they often have got and everyone pleasure they
hang up, and though they've won less in the lot, yet still to
the mark they are bang up their business.
(32:12):
They do it in private like theirmale competitors.
Their trade is may success. All their efforts await is my
hearty wish for these ladies. Well there it is.
The reference to 1 less ball means that there are two balls
instead of three. You probably got that anyway.
That one was maybe slightly awkward.
(32:36):
Well, that's it for tonight. Our theme music is a version of
Golden Slippers, A minstrel showsong written by James A Bland in
1879. This version is by Seattle Old
Time band $4.00 Shoe. For more of their music, just
Google $4.00 Shoe. It'll pop right up no matter how
you spell it. They're almost as good at search
engine optimization as the art Old time music.
(32:56):
The Penny Dreadful Variety Hour is a creation of pulp lit
productions. For more details, see
pulp-lit.com. And to get in touch with me, hit
me up at finn@pulp-lit.com. Thanks again for joining Mimi
Pippins. It's time for us to bolt the
moon before the beaks get wise for the Penny Dreadful Variety
Hour. I'm Finn.
JD John. Signing off and now.
(33:18):
Fair forth and fill up the rest of the week with all that is the
tippy Bye now.
A tip top Tuesday. Evening to all you.
Angelics, Corinthians and Knights of the Brush and Moon.
I'm your host, Finn. JD John welcoming you.
Back to the Chafing Crib, it's Tupeny Terrible Tuesday once
again on the Penny Dreadful Variety Hour show, and time for
the Tuesday Tupeny Terrible DemiHour.
It's a shorter show to tide you over till next Sunday and to
(00:31):
speed things up a bit so it doesn't take more than two weeks
to get to the next chapter of your favorite dreadful.
And if you don't mind a bit of salaciousness and cheek, stick
around after the dreadful has been read.
We don't do outright porno, and yes, there was a lot of that in
the Victorian age, but some of the supper club and drinking
saloon songs that we get into onTuesdays can be spicy enough to
(00:51):
require an explicit tag. Today is not one of those days,
but there's plenty of duble entendres so it should keep.
You entertained. It's a.
Work night, isn't it? So maybe go easy on the Blue
Ruin tonight. Maybe pour yourself a pint of
Strike Me Dead or a Little Flicker to take the chill off
and sit back and smile. A booster shot dose of penny
dreadful goodness is coming yourway right now.
(01:17):
Here's what we've got in store for tonight.
We're starting out right away with Chapter 17 of Varney the
Vampire or The Feast of Blood byJames Malcolm Rhymer, which
first started publication in 1845.
In it, the visitor to the gardendoes indeed turn out to be Sir
Francis Varney. He's come to the house to see
the portrait that resembles him,or so he says.
(01:38):
But he seems like he probably more likely came to the house to
try and get up a quarrel with Charles Holland, maybe with
Henry Bannerworth, But he seems more interested in getting
Charles Holland out of the way. Why do you?
Think and will he succeed in this?
We'll see. Then we'll dive right into the
PG13 portion of the show with a song, and alas, we probably
(02:00):
won't have time for more than one, as this chapter of Varney
the Vampire is particularly long.
But we'll get a song from one ofthe many collections of drinking
and thieving and sing it sinningsongs with which our favorite
historical period abounded. So yeah, let's get to it. 1st,
(02:21):
it's time for Chapter 17 of Varney the Vampire.
Now. Last week in Chapter 16 of
Varney several chapters ago, Flora had asked Charles to meet
her in the garden gazebo in the yard of the estate.
This meeting now happens in chapter 16.
Flora begs Charles to leave her.She loves him too much to allow
the vampire's curse to affect him.
(02:43):
The. Curse of God has fallen upon me.
I know not why. She sobs.
But. Charles is adamant.
Let sorrow and misfortune shake their grizzly locks.
In vain he cries. Heart to heart, hand to hand
with me. Defy them.
A sunbeam then pierces the clouds and shines down directly
on Flora's face. They agree to take this as an
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omen and have no more talk of Charles leaving.
But just as all is looking copacetic, suddenly Flora
catches a glimpse of a tall, thin man stepping into the door
of the summer house. The vampire.
The vampire, she shrieks. Is it he?
Who else? You already know from the
introduction to this episode It is indeed Sir Francis Varney in
(03:26):
the flesh. Let's find out what he wants.
Chapter 17. The explanation.
The arrival of the Admiral at the house, the scene of
confusion and some of its results so sudden and so utterly
(03:47):
unexpected a cry of alarm from Flora at such a time, might well
have the effect of astounding the nerves of anyone.
And no wonder that Charles was for a few seconds absolutely
petrified and almost unable to think mechanically.
Then he turned his eyes toward the door of the summer house,
and there he saw a tall, thin man, rather elegantly dress,
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whose countenance, certainly in its wonderful resemblance to the
portrait of the panel, might well appall anyone.
The stranger stood in the irresolute attitude, on the
threshold of the summer House, of one who did not wish to
intrude, but who found it awkward, if not more so now to
retreat than to advance. Before Charles Holland could
(04:33):
summon any words to his head, orthink of freeing himself from
the clinging grasp of flora which was wound round him, the
stranger made a very low and courtly bow, After which he
said, in winning accents, I verymuch fear that I am an intruder
here. Allow me to offer my warmest
apologies, and to assure, Sir and you, Madam, that I had no
(04:57):
idea that anyone was in the Arbor.
You perceive the rain as fallingsmartly, and I made towards
here, seeing it was likely to shelter me from the shower.
These words were spoken in such a plausible and courtly tone of
voice that they might well have become any drawing room in the
Kingdom. Flora kept her eyes fixed upon
(05:18):
him during the utterance of these words, and as she
convulsively clutched the arm ofCharles, she kept on whispering.
The vampire. The vampire, I much fear, added
the stranger in the same bland tones that I have been the cause
of some alarm to the young lady.Release me, whispered Charles to
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Flora, release me, I will followhim at once.
No, no, do not leave me, do not leave me, the vampire, the
dreadful vampire. But, Flora, Hush, hush, hush, it
speaks again. Perhaps I ought to account for
my appearance in the garden at all, added the insinuating
stranger. The fact is, I came on a visit.
(06:02):
Flora shuddered. To Mr. Henry Bannerworth,
continued the stranger, and finding the garden gate open, I
came in without troubling the servants, which I much regret,
as I can perceive that I have alarmed and annoyed the lady.
Madam, pray accept of my apologies in the name of God.
(06:23):
Who are you? Said Charles.
My name is Varney. Oh, yes, you are the Sir Francis
Varney residing close by, who bears so fearful A resemblance
to Pray? Go on, Sir.
I am all attention to a portraithere.
Indeed. Now I reflect a moment.
(06:44):
Mr. Henry Bannerworth did incidentally mention something
of the sort. It's a most singular
coincidence. The sound of approaching
footsteps was now plainly heard,and in a few moments Henry and
George, along with Mr. Marchdale, reached the spot.
Their appearance showed that they had made haste, and Henry
(07:04):
at once exclaimed. We heard, or fancied we heard,
a. Cry of alarm.
You did hear it, said Charles Holland.
Do you know this gentleman? It is Sir Francis Varney indeed.
Varney bowed to the newcomers and was all together as much at
his ease as everyone else seemed.
Quite the contrary. Even Charles Holland found the
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difficulty of going up to such awell bred, gentlemanly man and
saying, Sir, we believe you to be a vampire to be almost, if
not insurmountable. I cannot do it, he thought, but
I will watch him take me away, whispered Flora.
Tis he, tis he? Oh, take me away, Charles.
(07:46):
Hush, Flora, hush. You are in some error.
The accidental resemblance should not make us be rude to
this gentleman. The vampire.
It is the vampire. Are you sure, Flora?
Do I know your features? My own, My brothers.
Do not ask me to doubt. I cannot.
I am quite sure. Take me from his hideous
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presence, Charles. The young lady, I fear, is very
much indisposed, remarked Sir Francis Varney in a sympathetic
tone of voice. If she will take my arm, I shall
esteem it a great honour. No, no, God, no, cried Flora.
Madam, I will not press you. He bowed, and Charles LED Flora
(08:31):
from the summer house towards the hall.
Flora, he said. I am bewildered.
I know not what to. Think that, man?
Most certainly has been fashioned after the portrait
which is on the panel in the room you formerly occupied, or
it has been painted from him. He is my midnight visitor,
exclaimed Flora. He is the vampire.
(08:54):
This Sir Francis Varney is the vampire.
Good God, what can be done? I know not.
I am nearly distracted. Be calm, Flora, if this man
really is what you name him, we now know from what quarter the
mischief comes, which is at all events, a point gained.
Be assured we shall place a watch on him.
(09:15):
Oh, it is terrible to meet him here, and he is so wonderfully
anxious, too, to possess the hall.
He is, he is. It looks strange, the whole
affair. But, Flora, be assured of one
thing, and that is for your own safety.
Can I be assured of that? Most certainly.
Go to your mother now. Here we are, you see, Fairly
(09:37):
within doors. Go to your mother, dear Flora,
and keep yourself quiet. I will return to this mysterious
man now with a cooler judgement than I left him.
You will watch him, Charles. I will indeed.
And you will not let him approach the house here alone?
I will not. Oh, that the Almighty should
allow such beings to haunt the earth.
(09:59):
Hush, Flora, hush. We cannot judge of his all wise
purpose. Tis hard that the innocent
should be inflicted with its presence.
Charles bowed his head in mournful assent.
Is it not very, very dreadful? Hush, hush.
Calm yourself, dearest, calm yourself.
Recollect that all we have to goupon in this matter is a
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resemblance which, after all, may be accidental.
But leave it all to me, and be assured that now I have some
clues to this affair. I will not lose sight of it, or
of Sir Francis Varney. So saying, Charles surrendered
Flora to the care of their mother, and then was hastening
back to the summer house, when he met the whole party coming
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towards the hall, for the rain was each moment increasing in
intensity. We are returning, remarked Sir
Francis Varney, with a half bow and a smile to Charles.
Allow me, said Henry, to introduce you, Mr. Holland, to
our neighbor, Sir Francis Varney.
Charles felt himself compelled to behave with courtesy,
although his mind was so full ofconflicting feelings as regarded
(11:04):
Varney. But there was no avoiding
without such brutal rudeness as was inconsistent with all his
pursuits and habits, replying insomething like the same strain
to the extreme courtly politeness of the supposed
vampire. I will watch him closely,
thought Charles. I can do no more than watch him
closely. Sir Francis Varney seemed to be
(11:25):
a man of the most general and discursive information.
He talked fluently and pleasantly upon all sorts of
topics, and notwithstanding he could not but have heard what
Flora had said of him, he asked no question whatever upon that
subject. This silence, as regarded a
matter which would at once have induced some sort of inquiry
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from any other man, Charles felt, told much against him, and
he trembled to believe for a moment that, after all, it might
really be true. Is he a vampire?
He asked himself. Are there vampires?
And is this man of fashion, thiscourtly, talented, educated
gentleman one? It was a perfectly hideous
question. You are charmingly situated
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here, remarked Varney, as, afterascending the few steps that led
to the whole door, he turned andlooked at the view from that
slight altitude. The place has been much
esteemed, said Henry, for its picturesque beauties of scenery.
And well it may be, I trust, Mr.Harlan, that the young lady is
much better. She is, Sir, said Charles.
(12:31):
I was not honoured by an introduction.
It was my fault, said Henry, whospoke to his extraordinary guest
with an air of forced hilarity. It was my fault for not
introducing you to my sister. And that was your sister?
It was, Sir. Report has not belied her.
She is beautiful, but she looks rather pale, I thought.
(12:53):
Has she bad health? The best of health, indeed,
perhaps the little disagreeable circumstance which has made so
much food for gossip in the neighborhood, has affected her
spirits. It has you allude to the
supposed visit here of a vampire, said Charles, as he
fixed his eyes upon Varney's face.
(13:15):
Yes, I allude to the supposed appearance of the supposed
vampire in this family, said SirFrancis Varney, as he returned
the earnest gaze of Charles withsuch unshrinking assurance that
the young man was compelled, after about a minute nearly to
withdraw his own eyes. He will not be cowed, thought
Charles. Use has made him familiar to
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such cross questioning. It appeared now suddenly to
occur to Henry that he had said something at Varney's own house
which should have prevented him from coming to the hall, and he
now remarked. We scarcely expected the
pleasure of your company here, Sir Francis Varney.
Oh, my dear Sir, I am aware of that.
But you aroused my curiosity. You mentioned to me that there
(14:01):
was a portrait here. Amazingly like me, Did I Indeed
you did, or how could I know it?I wanted to see if the
resemblance was so perfect. Did you hear, Sir, added Henry,
that my sister was alarmed at your likeness to the portrait?
No, really, I pray you to walk in, and we will talk more at
(14:23):
large upon that matter. With great pleasure.
One leads a monotonous life in the country when compared with
the brilliancy of a court existence.
Just now I have no particular engagement.
As we are near neighbors, I see no reason why we should not be
good friends, and often interchange such civilities as
(14:44):
make up the amenities of existence, and which in the
country more particularly are valuable.
Henry could not be hypocrite enough to assent to this, but
still, under the present aspect of affairs it was impossible to
return any but a civil reply. So he said.
Oh, yes, of course, most certainly.
My time is very much occupied, and my sister and mother see no
(15:07):
company. Oh no, how wrong.
Wrong, Sir. Yes, surely, if anything more
than another tends to harmonize individuals, it is the Society
of that fairer half of the creation which we love for their
very foibles. I am much attached to the softer
(15:27):
sex to young persons of health. I like to see the rosy cheeks
with a warm blood, and mantels in the superficial veins.
And all his loveliness and life.Charles shrank back, and the
word demon unconsciously escapedhis lips.
Sir Francis took no manner of notice of the expression, but
(15:50):
went on talking as if he had been on the very happiest terms
with everyone present. Will you follow me at once to
the chamber where the portrait hangs, said Henry, or will you
partake of some refreshment first?
No refreshment for me, said Varney.
My dear friend, if you will permit me to call you such, this
is a time of the day at which I never do take any refreshment,
(16:14):
nor any other, thought Henry. They all went to the chamber
where Charles had passed one very disagreeable night, and
when they arrived, Henry pointedto the portrait on the panel,
saying, There, Sir Francis Varney, is your likeness.
He looked, and having walked up to it in an undertone, rather as
if he were conversing with himself than making a remark for
(16:36):
anyone else to hear, he said, Itis wonderfully like it is.
Indeed, said Charles, if I standbeside it.
Thus, said Varney, placing himself in a favorable attitude
for comparing the two faces, I dare say you will be more struck
with the likeness than before. So accurate was it now that the
(17:00):
same light fell upon his face asthat under which the painter had
executed the portrait, that all started back a step or two.
Some artists, remarked Varney, have the sense to ask where a
portrait is to be hung before they paint it, and they adapt
their lights and shadows to those which would fall upon the
original were it similarly situated.
(17:22):
I cannot stand this, said Charles to Henry.
I must question him further. Has he pleased?
But do not insult him. I will not.
He is beneath my roof now, and after all, it is but a hideous
suspicion we have of him. Rely upon me.
Charles stepped forward, and once again confronting Varney
with an earnest gaze, he said, Do you know, Sir, that Miss
(17:44):
Bannerworth declares the vampireshe fancies to have visited her
chamber to be in features the exact counterpart of this
portrait? Does she indeed?
She does indeed, and perhaps then that accounts for her
thinking that I am the vampire because I bear a strong
resemblance to the portrait. I should not be surprised, said
(18:06):
Charles. How very odd.
Very, and yet entertaining. I am rather amused than
otherwise. The idea of being a vampire, ha
ha. If I ever go to a Masquerade
again, I shall certainly assume the character of a vampire.
You would do it? Well, I dare say now I should
(18:28):
make quite a sensation. I am certain you would.
Do you not think, gentlemen, that Sir Francis Varney would
enact the character to the. Very life by.
Heaven, he would do it so well that one might, without much
difficulty, really imagine him avampire.
BB said Varney, as he gently folded his hands together with
that genteel applause that may be indulged even in a box at the
(18:52):
opera itself. Bravo.
I like to see young persons enthusiastic.
It looks as if they had some of the real fire of genius in their
composition. BB.
This was, Charles thought, the very height and Acme of
impudence. And yet what could he do?
(19:13):
What could he say? He was foiled by the downright
coolness of Varney. As for Henry, George, and Mr.
Marchdale, they had listened to what was passing between Sir
Francis and Charles in silence. They feared to diminish the
effect of anything Charles mightsay by adding a word of their
own, and likewise they did not wish to lose 1 observation that
(19:34):
might come from the lips of Varney.
But now Charles appeared to havesaid all he had to say.
He turned to the window and looked out.
He seemed like a man who has made-up his mind for a time to
give up some contest in which hehad been engaged.
And perhaps not so much did he give it up from any feeling or
consciousness of being beaten asfrom a conviction that it could
(19:55):
be the more effectually at some other and far more eligible
opportunity renewed. Varney now addressed Henry,
saying, I presume the subject ofour conference when you did me.
The honor of a call is no secretto anyone here, none whatever,
said Henry. Then perhaps I am too early in
(20:17):
asking you if you have made-up your mind.
I have scarcely certainly had time to think.
My dear Sir, do not let me hurryyou.
I much regret indeed the intrusion you seem.
Anxious to possess the hall. Remarked Mr. Marchdale to
Varney. I am.
Is it new to you? Not quite.
(20:40):
I have some boyish recollectionsconnected with this
neighborhood, among which Banner, with Hall, stands
sufficiently prominent. May I ask how long ago that was?
Said Charles Holland, Rather abruptly.
I do not recollect my enthusiastic young friend, said
Varney. How old are you?
(21:00):
Just about 21. You are then, for your age,
quite a model of discretion. It would have been difficult for
the most accurate observer of human nature to have decided
whether this was said truthfullyor ironically, so Charles made
no reply to it whatever. I trust, said Henry, we shall
induce you, as this is your first visit, Sir Francis Varney,
(21:22):
to the Hall to partake of something.
Well, well, a cup of wine. Is that your service?
Henry now led the way to a smallparlor, which, although by no
means one of the showiest rooms of the house, was, from the care
and exquisite carving with whichit abounded, much more to the
taste of anyone who possessed anaccurate judgement in such works
(21:45):
of art. Then wine was ordered, and
Charles took an opportunity of whispering to Henry.
Note as well, if he drinks, I will.
Do you see that beneath his coatthere is a raised place as if
his arm was bound up. I do.
There then was where the bullet from the pistol fired by Flora
when we were at the church hit him.
(22:06):
Hush, for God's sake. Hush.
You are getting into a dreadful state of excitement, Charles.
Hush. Hush.
And can you blame? No.
No. But what can we do?
You are right, nothing we can doat present.
We have a clue now, and be it our mutual inclination as well
as a duty to follow it. Oh, you shall see how calm I
will be for friendship's sake. Be so.
(22:27):
I have noticed that his eyes flash upon yours with no
friendly feeling. His friendship where a curse.
Hush, he drinks. Watch him.
I will, gentlemen all, said Sir Francis Varney, in such soft
dulcet tones that it was quite afascination to hear him speak.
Gentlemen, all being, as I am, much delighted with your
(22:50):
company, do not accuse me of presumption if I drink now, poor
drinker that I am to our future merry meetings.
He raised the wine to his lips and seemed to drink, after which
he replaced the glass upon the table.
Charles glanced at it. It was still full.
You have not drunk Sir Francis Varney, he said.
(23:12):
Pardon me enthusiastic, young Sir, said Varney.
Perhaps you will have the liberality to allow me to take
my wine how I please and when I please.
Your glass is full. Well, Sir, will you drink it?
Not at any man's bidding, most certainly.
If the fair Flora Bannerworth would grace the board with her
(23:36):
sweet presence, methinks I couldthen drink on, on, on.
Hock you, Sir, cried Charles. I can bear no more of this.
We have had in this house most horrible and damning evidence
that there are such things as vampires.
Have you really? I suppose you eat raw pork at
supper, and so have had the nightmare.
(23:58):
A jest is welcome in its place. But pray hear me out, Sir, if it
suits your lofty courtesy to do so.
Oh, certainly. And I say we believe, as far as
human judgement has a right to go, that a vampire has been
here. Go on, it's interesting.
I always was a lover of the wildand the wonderful.
(24:18):
We have, too, continued Charles.Some reason to believe that you
are the man. Varney tapped his forehead as he
glanced at Henry and said, Oh dear, I did not know.
You should have told me. He was a little wrong about the
brain. I might have quarrelled with the
lad. Dear me, how lamentable for his
poor mother. This will not do.
(24:39):
Sir Francis Varney alias Banoworth, 00 Be calm, be calm.
I defy you to your teeth, Sir. No, God, no.
Your teeth, Poor lad. Poor lad.
You are a cowardly. Demon and.
Here, I swear to devote myself to your destruction.
Sir Francis Varney drew himself up to his full height, and that
(25:02):
was immense, as he said to Henry.
I pray you, Mr. Banoworth, sinceI am thus grievously insulted
beneath your roof, to tell me ifyour friend here be mad or sane.
He's not mad. Then hold, Sir, the quarrel
shall be mine. In the name of my persecuted
sister, in the name of heaven, Sir Francis Varney, I defy you.
(25:25):
Sir Francis, in spite of his impenetrable calmness, appeared
somewhat moved as he said, I have endured insults sufficient.
I will endure no more if there are weapons at hand.
My young. Friend interrupted Mr.
Marchdale, stepping between the excited man, is carried away by
his. Feelings and knows not.
What he says, you will look uponit in that light, Sir Francis.
(25:49):
We need no interference, exclaimed Varney, his hitherto
bland voice changing to one of fury.
The hot blooded fool wishes to fight, and he shall.
To the death. To the death.
And I. Say he shall not, exclaimed Mr.
Marchdale, taking Henry by the arm.
George, he added, turning to theyoung.
Man, assist me in persuading your.
(26:10):
Brother to leave the. Room conceive the.
Agony of your mother and sister if anything should happen to
him. Varney smiled with a devilish
sneer as he listened to these words.
And then he said, As you will, as you will.
There will be plenty of time andperhaps better opportunity.
Gentleman, I bid you good day. And with provoking coolness he
(26:33):
moved toward the door and quitted the room.
Remain here, said Mr. Marchdale.I will follow him and see that
he quits the premises. He did so, and the young men
from the window beheld Sir Francis walking slowly across
the garden, and then saw Mr. Marchdale follow on his track.
While they were thus occupied, atremendous ringing came at the
(26:55):
gate, but their attention was soriveted to what was passing in
the garden that they paid not the least attention to it.
Now, this chapter is very puzzling.
At first glance, we know Sir Francis Varney is for some
reason very eager to get unsupervised access to
(27:15):
Bannerworth Hall by purchasing it or renting it, or, as we now
see, sneaking around while nobody is looking.
Henry has literally already decided to sell or rent the
place to him. All he has to do is behave like
an ordinary man of business for a day or two and all will be
well. By behaving with such cool
effrontery, Varney risks scotching the deal completely.
(27:37):
Why would he? Do such a thing?
Well, what one thing changed between Henry's visit to Radford
Abbey and today? Charles Holland, that's what.
Something about the addition of Charles Holland into the mix
clearly threw Varney's plans into a tailspin.
A bad enough one that Varney went so far as to have his uncle
written to in order to try and get him to back off Charles
(27:59):
Holland. I mean, sometimes in these early
dreadfuls, it's hard to tell thedifference between the times
when the author is padding the story to make word count and
when he is playing a long, subtle game.
We shall see if this scene represents the one or the other
in the next chapter. Admiral Bell and Jack Pringle
arrive at the hall and meet the principal players.
(28:19):
Mr. Marchdale and Sir Francis Varney appear to have an
argument. Sir Francis punches Marchdale,
Admiral Bell wants to see. Charles, though obviously very
fond of him, is trying to be severe and demanding an
explanation about the vampire thing.
Will Admiral Bell put the kiboshon his nephew's romantic
prospects? And if he does, what will happen
with Flora? And why does Sir Francis Varney
(28:41):
want so badly to stir up trouble?
Well, stay tuned. All right now.
If you're just here for the penny dreadful, that's it for.
Today. But this Tupany Terrible Tuesday
episode of the Penny Dreadful variety show continues.
And what we've done is we've moved the most salacious parts
of our show, the naughty bits ifyou will, to Tupany Terrible
(29:02):
Tuesday. And hey, lucky you, it's now
Tupany Terrible Tuesday, so if you're interested in body
drinking songs, risque anecdotesand dirty jokes that were part
of 1840s life, stick around. We're going to start off by
turning to our most reliable source of salacious songs and
naughty bits, references and other spicy fare via one of the
(29:24):
great old informal evening song books.
This one comes from The Convivialist, an extensive
collection of humorous flash andlove songs published by Jay
Duncan of Holborn and sold in the streets for sixpence in the
early 1830s. And yeah, this one is loaded
with double entendres. In order that you should
understand those, though, I wantto explain some slang usages.
(29:45):
First, let's start with understanding.
This term could be used to mean something that a man kept under
wraps, which was standing up, pitching a tent if you will.
When somebody said a thing was up the spout, a coat, a hat, a
flat iron, etcetera, that meant that it had been pawned for some
ready money and needed to be redeemed.
(30:05):
Obviously the spout, with its connotations of moistness and
flowing water, was ripe for all kinds of lascivious word play,
and this song will not be lacking in that regard.
Put in was sometimes used as a noun to refer to sex.
We had a rare. Old put in last.
Night, me and violity. Folks who said nobody in the
(30:27):
history of the universe. But anyway, folks who wanted to
be discreet or coy used to also refer to the old love loaf as my
thing or your thing. Yeah, last item, pawnbrokers
back in the day had a professional symbol like the
barbers did with the red and white pole.
For pawnbrokers, it was 3 goldenballs dangling from a bar.
(30:48):
Obviously balls are fun to pun on when you're making sex jokes,
so. There's that too.
Now that ought to be enough to properly interpret this one.
So here we go. The female pawnbroker.
Or hanging out the balls. A very popular Saturday night
chaunt air 3 jolly pigeons. Let your songsters and poets.
(31:09):
And song cry up your wealthy pawnbroker.
But to sing of a different throng, my gay, skittish muse, I
invoke her. The female.
Pawnbroker. I mean, I give you a right
understanding. At every street corner there
seem like other pawn shops that are landing.
Every street corner, of course, is a reference to prostitutes,
(31:32):
which that would be what they'rereally singing about here.
Female pawnbrokers. Back to the song.
That these brokers take things up the spout is a thing I can
vouch for with Verity, and thosethat put in I've no doubt will
never judge them with asperity. For these spouts like others all
(31:52):
night for your things they remain ever open.
And when you are in your delightcan there be depicted by nopin
The balls too they often have got and everyone pleasure they
hang up, and though they've won less in the lot, yet still to
the mark they are bang up their business.
(32:12):
They do it in private like theirmale competitors.
Their trade is may success. All their efforts await is my
hearty wish for these ladies. Well there it is.
The reference to 1 less ball means that there are two balls
instead of three. You probably got that anyway.
That one was maybe slightly awkward.
(32:36):
Well, that's it for tonight. Our theme music is a version of
Golden Slippers, A minstrel showsong written by James A Bland in
1879. This version is by Seattle Old
Time band $4.00 Shoe. For more of their music, just
Google $4.00 Shoe. It'll pop right up no matter how
you spell it. They're almost as good at search
engine optimization as the art Old time music.
(32:56):
The Penny Dreadful Variety Hour is a creation of pulp lit
productions. For more details, see
pulp-lit.com. And to get in touch with me, hit
me up at finn@pulp-lit.com. Thanks again for joining Mimi
Pippins. It's time for us to bolt the
moon before the beaks get wise for the Penny Dreadful Variety
Hour. I'm Finn.
JD John. Signing off and now.
(33:18):
Fair forth and fill up the rest of the week with all that is the
tippy Bye now.
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