Everyday Ends in a Why

Join The Pleasure Palace, where the 50+ crowd comes to learn, laugh, and love like never before. https://www.skool.com/thepleasurepalace

Episode Transcript

Renée Yvonne (00:41):
Hey, everyone. Welcome to the Pleasure Years,
my brand new podcast where we'reserving up real talk, hot tips,
and a whole lot of love for yoursex life after 50. I am your
host, Renee Yvonne, the gensexologist, and I'm here to
remind you that pleasure nevergets old. So this is something I

(01:02):
say a lot, sometimes when I'mtalking to people. I'm like,
yeah, you know, we do that onevery day that ends in a why, or
yeah, I'm not gonna do that onany day that ends in a why.
You ever noticed that everysingle day of the week ends in a
why? But I'm not talking aboutthe calendar right now. I'm
talking about the why in yourlove life. I want you to think

(01:24):
about this for a second. Why areyou where you are in your
relationship?
Why aren't you having as muchintimacy and sex as you want?
And why are you settling forless than the most pleasure that
you can handle? You know what?Here at the Pleasure Years,
we're not about settling. We'reabout taking action, getting

(01:46):
answers, and living our juiciestlives ever.
So go ahead. Grab a drink. Getcomfy, and let's dive in.
Because today, I'm giving youthe ultimate pleasure
prescription to startquestioning your why and
rewriting your love story. Sofirst, let's talk about this.

(02:10):
First question, why are youwhere you are in your
relationship? Sometimes, lifejust happens. Right? Life be
life in. It could be careers.
Maybe you're moving up. You gota new job. Like, I just recently
got a new job, and it's beenkinda busy. Right? Or recently,
last month, things were hectic.

(02:31):
I had decided to run for a localoffice here at advisory
neighborhood commission, and myday was packed. I go to work, I
get off work, I go out andcampaign. It was insane. And so
sometimes, life is just life in,as I said. Maybe you're a
caregiver.
Us, gen x ers, we are thesandwich generation. Sometimes

(02:53):
we're still raising kids, but wealso have aging parents at the
same time. And so maybe you'recaregiving for both, and at the
end of the day, you don't haveanything left to give to your
partner. And you don't wanna bein that situation, but sometimes
it just happens. Right?
It could be a health situation.In April, I was diagnosed with
rheumatoid arthritis. It's anautoimmune disease. And there

(03:16):
are days I wake up and literallycan't move my arm or I can't
move my shoulder. Sometimes myknees are hurting.
And it's just painful. And whenyou're in pain, it's hard to
think about, yeah, I'm trying toget in this position and and
back it on up. No. I'm trying toget some Motrin and lay on down.
Right?
And so sometimes it's yourhealth that's keeping you from

(03:37):
having this this sexy life thatyou want. Sometimes it's just a
routine. We just get into a rut.Right? You go to work.
You come home. You cook dinner.You eat. You sit on the sofa.
You watch, you know, coupleepisodes of lawn at order SBU.
It's time to go to bed. You goto sleep, you wake up, and you
do the whole thing over againevery single day. And suddenly,

(03:59):
you look over and your partner,your lover is becoming your
roommate. And that's not whatyou want. Right?
That's not what you signed upfor. But the reason that happens
sometimes is because we stopasking the hard questions
because it's easier to avoid.Right? It's easier to just say,

(04:19):
well, you know, you don't wannaask us. It could turn into an
argument or I don't know howit's gonna go.
But I'm gonna challenge you. I'mgonna give you a why challenge.
Ask yourself, why do I feeldisconnected from my partner,
and why am I afraid to talkabout what I need? That why is

(04:39):
gonna be the doorway to bettercommunication into deeper
intimacy between the 2 of you.So here's your pleasure
prescription.
Start with a connectioncheck-in. What does that mean?
Set aside 15 minutes this weekand ask each other, what do you
miss about us? And what's onething you love more of in our

(05:01):
relationship? Now this is achance to open up, not argue.
So don't go in there like, Isure wish you would do this and
then maybe I wanna do it more,or I wish you do what I told you
to do and then we could do thismore. That's not what this is
about. This is about saying, youknow what? I miss us holding
hands. I miss us going out.
I miss you kissing mepassionately before I go to

(05:23):
work. Now I just get littlepecks. I miss those things. I
miss you hugging me. And saythose things to your partner
because they probably miss ittoo, and they've forgotten what
it was like to have that.
Okay? The second why, why aren'tyou having more sex and
intimacy? Now this could bebecause you're in some type of

(05:45):
sexual rut syndrome. And thiscan happen. Life's
responsibilities can puts makesex feel like an afterthought.
Your caregiving, your your doingyour career, your health is
whatever, you're in a routine,and you're like, you know what?
I'm just trying to go to bedright now. I'm I'm sex, we'll
get to it one day. And that canhappen. Right?

(06:07):
It can happen to men and women.We can get tired, feel bad,
whatever, and it just gets puton the back burner. And so it
starts to feel like anafterthought. And it's not so
much that you've lost desire.It's that the conditions that
we've set up don't nurture thatdesire.
So when you're feeling bad oryou're taking care of other

(06:29):
people, those conditions don'tsay sexy. Right? They say tired.
And you get into tired mode, andyou can't seem to get into the
sexy desire mode again. And sowhat we have to do is take a
pause, a pleasure pause, and askyourself, what is turn what

(06:49):
turns me on now, and has thatchanged?
What turned us on at 30 or even40? May not be the thing that
turns us on at 50. And so maybeyour desire has changed. Maybe
you've been doing the same thingthe same way for a while, and
that worked. It was okay.
But now you're like, I reallywanna try something different. I

(07:11):
wanna try a new toy. I wanna trya different position. I wanna
try a different space. I wannado it in the car, in the
kitchen.
I'm tired of the bed. Maybethat's what needs to happen, and
that's okay. It's okay for youto change and evolve because
we're we're humans and that'swhat humans do. So here's your
pleasure prescription. Askyourself I'm sorry.

(07:33):
Here's your pleasureprescription. You're gonna do a
desire discovery date. You'regonna plan a date night that has
zero expectations for sex, butfull permission to flirt, touch,
and play. That doesn't mean itcan't turn into sex. It means
that the goal of this isn't sex.
The goal is, let's justrediscover what turns us on,

(07:54):
what makes us feel desired andwanted by our partner. For a
little extra info, try adifferent space in your house.
If you always do it in the bed,try it on the sofa. Try it in
the car. Try it in the garage.
Do it in the kitchen. Do it inthe shower. Try a different
space. Go to a hotel room.Sometimes, what you need to do
is just rearrange your bedroom.

(08:16):
If your bedroom has been thesame way for the last 5, 6
years, switch the bed around.Just turn it 90 degrees.
Sometimes, that could make ahuge difference. You're like,
wow. This is a whole differentview over here.
You know, add in some moodlighting, add in some candles,
fresh flowers, mood music,something that brings the desire
out of you. We can't just expectit to happen. Hollywood has us

(08:39):
believing that desire justmagically appears whenever 2
people in a room, but that's nottrue. Sometimes you have to
actually build that desire up sothat it actually happens. Right?
And then, use some sexy textthroughout the day. Set your
partner up. Set each other up toget excited about it. Send them

(09:00):
some little naughty note, like,I can't wait to see you tonight.
You know, add your little twistin there, and don't do something
where your partner's like, whois this?
You never say that word. Right?But add something in that feels
like you, so that when you sendit, they're like, okay. Alright.
They're serious tonight.
Right? It doesn't have to benude pictures, but it could be.
If your partner has a footfetish, send a picture of your

(09:22):
well manicured foot to them. Ifthey have a cleavage fetish,
send a picture of that. Showthem the the lingerie you're
gonna put on, the meal you'reabout to cook, what the bedroom
looks like.
Get them amped up so that whenthey get to you, the desire's
already built. And then number3, why are you settling for less
than you deserve? Sometimes weget caught in in what's called

(09:45):
the good enough trap. Right?Sometimes, definitely in work,
we've said this before,sometimes we can let perfection
be the enemy of the good enoughor the good or whatever.
And sometimes we get into thattrap just throughout life. Like,
sometimes things just need todo, like, let's just get this
done and move on. But sometimeswe do that in our love life. And
it's like, you know, I I kindawant more than just good enough.

(10:08):
Right?
And it's not that you're notgrateful for what you have,
because sometimes people feellike that, like, oh, you know,
we've been together for a while.This is just how it is now. You
know, we're 40. You know, thisis this is just how it's gonna
be. That doesn't have to be thatway.
It doesn't mean that you'recomplaining. It doesn't mean
that you're unhappy. It meansthat we have to believe that

(10:30):
more as possible. That becausewe're a certain age doesn't mean
that we can't stop enjoying eachother and in and experiencing
that pleasure. And so what wehave to do in a situation like
this is reframe how we thinkabout getting older, but also
about pleasure.
Sometimes we're so focused onthe sex, the actual act of sex,

(10:54):
right, that we forget thatthere's a whole thing called
pleasure there. And you that isyour birthright. It's not a
luxury. It's not like, oh, it'dbe nice to have one thing. No.
It is your birthright. Your bodyis filled with thousands of
nerve endings, all designed foryou to feel an amazing way.

(11:16):
Think about when you get a amassage or if you get into a
nice hot shower after a long dayat work or somebody gives you a
foot massage, things that yousmell. Somebody makes a meal
that you love and you're like,oh, so glad I don't have to
cook. Think about those thingsthat bring you a lot of joy and
pleasure.
That is your birthright. Youdeserve to feel pleasure. Right?

(11:40):
And there's no reason forsettling for, like, just a
little bit of pleasure becauseyou deserve the whole buffet.
You deserve it all.
Your whole body is dying to befelt in different ways and
touched in different ways andexperienced all of your senses
in different ways. So don't letthat go by. So here's your

(12:01):
pleasure prescription. I wantyou to do a pleasure audit. And
what does that mean?
It means write down what bringsyou joy and pleasure, not just
in sex, but in life. Think aboutthis. Did you used to do salsa
dancing or African dance? Youdon't do it anymore? Why not?
Do you love to cook a sumptuousmeal, a great dessert, but you

(12:26):
don't have time anymore? Everytime you look up, you're running
through McDonald's? Why did youstop? Did you love to get
massages every month, and thenyou just don't get them anymore?
Did you enjoy playing golf orpickleball, and you just don't
anymore?
What happened? Go back and thinkabout the things that brought

(12:47):
you pleasure. And ask yourself,why am I not doing that anymore?
Why am I settling for just thisis enough? Alright?
And I want you to choose onething this this week to work on,
whether it's communicating yourneeds, exploring a sexual
fantasy, or just taking time foryourself. Find a way to bring

(13:08):
some pleasure back into yourlife. Okay? So pleasure seekers,
let's recap. Everyday is in awhy, and everyday is an
opportunity to ask yourself why.
Why are you where you are inyour relationship? Why aren't
you having more sex andintimacy? And why are you
settling for less than thepleasure that you deserve?

(13:30):
Here's the great news. You don'thave to stay stuck in that
realm.
You just don't. You don't haveto do that. So with a little
curiosity and some of thesepleasure prescriptions, you can
start changing your story today,tomorrow, or whatever why day
you choose. And, hey, if you'reready to go a step further, I
wanna invite you to something. Ijust started a new group called

(13:52):
the Pleasure Palace.
It's on a platform calledSchool. It's a membership group
that is free to join where we'regonna dive into all things
intimacy, particularly for genxers and baby boomers. I wanna
talk about all of those thingsthat we're dealing with, from
menopause to erectiledysfunction, medication that's
causing certain issues. How dowe get the pleasure back? How

(14:15):
are we dealing with caregiving?
I wanna talk about sexlessrelationships and starting over
after divorce or the loss of aloved one. Let's talk about that
because people aren't talkingabout it to us. They've just,
like, forgotten us. Right?They're like, whatever.
We're dealing with Gen z rightnow and alpha babies. What about
us? Okay? So I wanna give usthat safe space to talk about

(14:36):
that. And this is the placewe're gonna do it.
The magic is gonna happen there,and I love to see you there in
that space. So I wanna thank youfor spending some time with me
today. Don't forget to subscribeand share this episode with
someone you care about, andplease leave a review. It's like
giving me a virtual hug. Okay?

(14:56):
And until next time, I'm ReneeYabond, the gen sexologist. And
remember, pleasure never getsold. Stay sexy, my friends. Talk
to you later. Bye.