March 2, 2025 • 43 mins
Life isn’t about juggling endless tasks to perfection but rather finding balance through meaningful, small actions. In this episode, we are joined by Charles Coulter, a licensed professional counselor with extensive experience in helping individuals and couples navigate their personal challenges. We delve deeply into the concept of balance in life and why maintaining equilibrium is crucial for well-being.
Charles offers insights into Pam's unique 3M Strategy: Motivate, Maintain, Move, which serves as a roadmap for making significant yet manageable changes in daily life. Discover how motivation can spark initial steps toward growth and how to sustain momentum without hitting burnout. Explore the necessary adaptability that comes with movement, understanding when to pivot and embrace new paths to improve your relationships, career, or personal health.
Throughout our conversation, we tackle vital questions about how deeply entrenched beliefs from childhood can often dictate our current thoughts and feelings, shaping the way we interact with ourselves and others. Charles emphasizes that true balance isn’t about perfection but about creating sustainable habits through intentional choices, recognizing that one small step leads to significant change over time.
Join us for this enlightening discussion that promises not only practical strategies but also profound insights into living a balanced life. We encourage you to reflect on your individual journey and recognize the power of the small actions you take each day. Interested in living a more balanced life? Tune in, subscribe, and let’s embark on this journey together!
Looking for a marriage counselor? Contact Charles Coulter at The Best Marriage!
Check out Half Size Me with Heather Robertson!
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This podcast is all about exploring how we can apply the Plus One Theory to create ripples of positivity and purpose in our personal and professional lives. I’m especially excited to feature guests who work in heart-centered careers—nurses, teachers, counselors, nonprofit leaders, caregivers, or anyone who dedicates their energy to helping others.
Your story could inspire listeners who are navigating their own challenges and looking for ways to take that next small step forward. Whether you’ve used kindness to overcome adversity, found strength in vulnerability, or applied intentional action to make an impact in your community, I want to hear from you!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:12):
Hi, there, it's me, pam, and welcome back to another
episode of the Plus One TheoryPodcast.
I am so excited for today'sepisode because we have a very
special guest, charles Coulter.
He is an incredible,faith-based marriage counselor
who has helped so many peoplefind balance in their
relationships, their careers andtheir personal lives.
(00:35):
Today, we're diving intosomething every single one of us
struggles with Balance.
Yes, maintaining balance in ourlives, whether it's balancing
relationships, career, mentalhealth or personal growth.
It can feel so overwhelming,and so I came up with a strategy
the 3M strategy.
(00:56):
It would help us all rememberhow to apply these things in our
everyday lives.
Things in our everyday livesthere's motivate, maintain and
move.
This simple approach can helpyou create sustainable changes
in your relationships, yourmindset and your overall
well-being.
We're also going to talk aboutwhy balance isn't about
(01:17):
perfection.
It's about pacing yourself,setting healthy boundaries and
taking intentional small stepsforward.
And who better to discuss thiswith than Charles Coulter?
He's worked with couples,families and individuals to help
them create lasting change, andhe's joining us today to share
how small, incremental steps canimprove our relationships and
(01:38):
our overall emotional health.
So stay tuned, because we havea lot of powerful insights
coming your way.
Let's get started.
Before we get started, though, Iwant to take a second to
(01:59):
explain what the plus one theoryis.
For all those who might be newto this podcast, this theory is
not about doing more work,overextending yourself or
exhausting yourself to provesomething.
It's about small, intentionalsteps that create real, lasting
change in your life.
Let's think about this in termsof relationships.
(02:20):
If your marriage feels strained, it's tempting to think that
one grand gesture will fixeverything, but the reality is
it's the small daily choices anextra kind word, one more moment
of patience, one act ofgratitude that build a
foundation for a strongerrelationship.
This applies to every area oflife your health, your mindset,
(02:44):
your career, your faith.
One small action layered on topof another compounds into
something powerful, and todaywe're going to use this 3M
framework motivate, maintain andmove to explore how small
shifts in our relationships,communication and emotional
well-being can lead to bigbreakthroughs.
(03:05):
And we'll be talking withCharles Coulter to explore how
this applies to marriages,partnerships and personal growth
.
So let's dive in.
(03:26):
Okay, let's talk about this 3Mstrategy.
This framework is something Iuse in my own life and I truly
believe it can help anyonestruggling with balance and
consistency, which is me a lot.
Okay, the first one.
The first M is motivate.
This is about finding whatdrives you, what excites you and
(03:47):
what inspires you to takeaction.
Motivation isn't about waitingfor the right moment.
It's about taking small,intentional steps to build that
momentum, whether inrelationships, career or
personal growth.
Motivation starts with one smallaction.
And the second M is maintain.
This is where most peoplestruggle.
(04:08):
It's not enough to get started.
You have to find ways to keepgoing without burning out.
So many people make the mistakeof trying to do too much too
fast, only to give up when theycan't sustain it.
Maintenance is the key tolong-term success.
Okay, one of my favoritepodcasts that I listen to every
(04:28):
single day is HeatherRobertson's Half Size Me podcast
.
She teaches that maintenance isa skill, just like weight loss
is a skill.
If you can maintain what youhave today, then you can tweak
and adjust to improve.
The plus one theory fitsperfectly with this, because it
reminds us that we don't needdrastic changes.
(04:49):
We just need to keep movingforward, one small step at a
time.
And finally, the third M is formove.
This is about adaptability andgrowth.
If something isn't working, wepivot, we adjust and we keep
moving forward.
Movement can mean differentthings for different people,
whether it's physical movement,emotional growth or stepping
(05:13):
into a new opportunity.
But the key is you don't staystuck.
These three pillars motivate,maintain and move work together
to create lasting change.
Motivate, maintain and movework together to create lasting
change.
When you apply them with theplus one theory, you don't feel
overwhelmed because you're justfocusing on that.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
One extra step All right, you ready, I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Yeah, I'm excited.
Okay, me too.
Okay, hey, charles, welcome tothe Plus One Theory podcast.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Oh, thanks, pam, I'm so glad to be here.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Well, we're very fortunate to have you and your
expertise with us today.
I've been looking forward tothis so much, because a lot of
what we talk about with the plusone theory revolves around a
lot of things that I'm sure youdeal with on a regular basis
with your patients, right?
But before we get started, Ijust wanted to tell the
listeners a little bit about you, if that's okay.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
That'd be great.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Okay, so I know that you are a licensed professional
counselor in San.
Antonio, Texas, and you earnedyour bachelor's degree from
Texas Tech University.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
And a master's degree in community counseling from St
Mary's University.
Yes, and it says here.
You began your career as ayouth pastor, which is very
impressive, counseling teens andfamilies in a lay position.
So since 2003, you've been inprivate practice, where your
clients describe you as bothempathetic and straightforward
(06:52):
in your approach.
You're committed to helpingpeople uncover their root
beliefs that drive negativebehaviors, empowering them to
make meaningful, lasting changes, and your greatest reward as a
therapist is seeing people findfreedom from their past.
I love that.
I love that so much so you metwhat.
(07:12):
What on earth it spurred you oninto counseling?
Why did you want to pursue that?
Speaker 2 (07:18):
well.
So I felt called to theministry youth when I was a
junior in high school and Ireally loved being a youth
minister and I know some peopleget into the ministry because
they want to ultimately be thepastor and that was never even
(07:41):
in front of me.
I just loved being a youthminister and seeing and working
with students.
My mentor was a youth ministerbut he was also a licensed
professional counselor and sothat was inspiring for me and he
(08:03):
helped me through all of mytrauma growing up and drama and
just family stuff and I wasinspired by that and so
eventually here I am.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Wow.
So I am with you on that,because even in doing this
podcast and in writing my bookFrom the Piney Woods, we're
basically we've lived it.
And then you try to figure outways how to live life with that
inside of you.
And so then you begin studyingand trying to figure it out.
But you went a lot further.
(08:41):
You educated yourself in it sothat you could help others.
You went a lot further youeducated yourself in it so that
you could help others.
I did not go that far, butthat's okay.
But I still try to help peoplewith what happened to me, the
pain.
I just want to use whathappened to me and turn it into
something good.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
For sure To take the road that we've been down and
then being able to help peoplelearn from the things that we've
learned along the way and maybethey get it sooner and they
find the freedom.
I want people to find thefreedom from the past and from
the wounds that happened to them.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Well, let's talk a little more specific.
So you are a Christian marriagecounselor.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
So this is a good question, because oftentimes
people are like well, are youlike a Christian counselor or
you're a professional counselor?
Well, I am a licensedprofessional counselor and my
walk and my relationship with myheavenly father is very
important to me, and so it isimpossible for a counselor to
(09:49):
separate their background andjust walk into a room and just
I'm just going to be theprofessional counselor.
So instead of trying toseparate those things, I'm just
very upfront with people and letthem know like this is who I am
, and so I'm not there to pushmy Christian or spiritual
(10:10):
beliefs down their throat.
But most people find me knowingthat I am a licensed
professional counselor but I'm aChristian, and so they ask
questions and, in a way, so theycould find out well, how much
do you include scripture andyour relationship with God in
(10:31):
your counseling?
And many people that find me orchoose me that they want that.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Wow, I know it's a hard place to be because you
don't want to just target thefaith community.
Hard place to be because youdon't want to just target the
faith community.
I mean, my daughter was onethat told me she goes mom, how
am I supposed to shine God'slight in very well lit places?
You know, we need to shineGod's light in dark places too,
and that means people.
Maybe they don't even knowChrist.
So right.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Some people want to know okay, I'm a believer, and
they just want to know that I goto church and that matters to
me.
And some people want me to goas far as praying with them and
using Scripture, and so I'mcomfortable in doing both and I
don't want to push that Onanyone.
Yeah, no, I'm not trying topush it on anyone.
(11:21):
Yeah, no, I'm not trying topush it on anyone.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Right, it's a fine line.
It's a boundary that you haveto figure out, and I'm sure it's
different with every family orevery couple that you treat.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
True, everyone's background is different.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Yeah, so you see families as well.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
I do see families as well.
I don't see children just bythemselves.
I will see teenagers, as longas that teenager is willing to
and is ready to do what we calltalk therapy.
If I'm asking them 50 questionsin a session, that means
they're not ready and I just letmom and dad know, hey, like
(12:03):
you're going to waste your timeand your money because they're
not ready for that.
So I do a lot of relationshipcounseling their past wounds and
their past family trauma anddrama, things that are impacting
(12:28):
their relationship and so ithelps them grow individually and
then, ultimately, theirmarriage seems to grow as well.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
It fits right in with this little strategy that I
have put together for myself,but for our listeners as well,
because my goal is to discusswhatever it is we're going to
talk about.
That involves the plus onetheory and how to apply it in
your life.
But I really want to.
I want it to stick Right, Iwant it to stay with you so that
(12:59):
you think about it on a regularbasis.
So my three in strategyinvolves motivation and
maintenance, which are maintain,and then move or movement.
And so if I remind myself in myown life about, okay, am I
motivated to do this with theplus one theory in mind?
But motivation doesn't happenwithout inspiration.
(13:22):
But you know, inspire is an I,not a letter M.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
That's what I'm saying I understand what you're
saying, like the process whenpeople learn about their wounds
and how those wounds and hurtsfrom childhood are affecting
them, because I'm a cognitivebehavioral therapist and so the
(13:49):
theory says that when someonechanges their mind or the way
that they think about things,then ultimately their behaviors
and thoughts will begin tochange.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Okay.
So my question to you is onceyou realize what those behaviors
are, you know, how do you, howdo you encourage or motivate
them to start applying whatevertechniques you're teaching them?
I mean, how do you inspire themto do that?
Speaker 2 (14:20):
How do I?
So?
What you're asking me is, howdo I inspire them to, to make
those behavior changes?
Well, the thing that I focus onis a person's beliefs and
thoughts that are affectingtheir behaviors.
So kind of basic psychologythat I was taught was beliefs.
(14:46):
Our beliefs lead to ourthoughts.
Our thoughts then lead toactions and feelings.
Okay, okay, okay.
So we have beliefs, which isthe engine of the train and is
pulling our thoughts and actions, and then feelings tends to
(15:08):
always be the caboose Right.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
So what you're saying basically let me make sure I
understand is that action occursbefore motivation, because
they're already implementingwhat their belief system is.
They're already living theirlives.
But obviously there's some kindof issue going on, either in
their relationship or withthemselves, because they're
acting on their belief systemand what their feelings and
(15:32):
emotions are.
But the motivation has to comewith help.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Yes.
So some people will come intomy office and say, okay, well,
what happened to me at 10 yearsold I can't change.
So all right, let's move on.
We don't need to talk aboutthat, right?
Therapists never say that welove to talk about childhood,
right?
We always say let's talk aboutyour childhood.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Every therapist I've ever had, has asked me that.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
And thus people want to, especially men, are like I
don't want to talk about mychildhood.
However, we can learn a greatdeal about our belief system
because we generally pick thatup from between the ages of 6
(16:24):
and 12.
Belief system being what youthink about yourself, the things
that you learn.
You learn something aboutyourself at seven.
Your childhood self thought ohI'm, I'm going to be successful
or I'm insignificant.
I am, I matter or no one caresabout me.
(16:48):
And those are the belief.
When we use the word beliefs,that's what therapists are
talking about.
What are, what are your beliefs, your internal thoughts about
yourself?
Because we live out of thosethings and our actions and our
feelings are driven by thosethings.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Well, you and I have had conversations before and you
have said to me many times Pam,you know, stop believing the
lies, don't believe those liesabout yourself.
You've got to stop believingthem and start seeing that you
are worthy.
So Right.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
So when we talk about , when you say you're worthy,
those are things that we learnabout from what our heavenly
father says about us.
We learn about from what ourHeavenly Father says about us,
okay.
And it doesn't mean that thisstuff doesn't apply if you're
not a believer.
It doesn't mean that, but itjust means that you would find
(17:46):
corrective thoughts fromdifferent places.
Okay, okay, like your value.
Different places Okay Okay,like your value, like I believe
I'm valuable because my heavenlyfather tells me I'm valuable.
He has a plan and a purpose forme.
But someone who's not abeliever, it doesn't mean they
don't have value, but they findtheir value from other places
(18:10):
from their spouse, from thepeople they work with, the
people that they live with, thepeople that are around them.
Those kinds of things.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
And I'm a firm believer that value holds a lot
of weight with loving someone.
Because if you figure out whatsomeone's values are and then
love them for those values andsupport those values, that's
when love starts happening.
You know, love is at thefoundation of everything, is my
(18:40):
belief.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Well, we can't love other people unless we love
ourselves.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yes, I'm sure you see that a lot too.
So you know, when you domarriage counseling and you get
a couple that's, you know,struggling in the relationship
and they come in and you alreadyknow that you know one person
(19:07):
you need to see privately, Imean, is that does that happen
frequently, where you starttreating them?
Speaker 2 (19:10):
individually first and then move on into the couple
relationship, or how does thatwork?
Or how does that work.
Lots of times I try to keepthem together because it's so
helpful for your spouse to seewhat these hurts, and out of
those hurts came beliefs, whenthey start to see those things.
Many times those things thatthey share may have never been
(19:31):
shared with their spouse, eventhough they've been married 20
or 30 years.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
It's real easy to lose that connection.
With no communication, there'sno connection and then there's
distance.
So is that the common thingthat's happening with
relationships?
Do?
You see a lot more of the sametype of stuff now compared to,
say, 10 years ago.
I mean, are things different inthese couple relationships with
(19:56):
how they're connecting, howthey're communicating with one
another, or is it all prettymuch the same?
Speaker 2 (20:03):
No, I don't think it's different.
I think that the people'swounds that they have from
childhood still affect who theyare in their relationship.
The thing that has changed is Ihave a better understanding of
it and see it clearer for whatit is, and I hope I do a better
(20:28):
job of communicating with themhow that's affecting them, how
they can see their past and howit's affecting their motivation
in the relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Exactly so.
There is the motivation.
So once you take them there andthen they have this realization
and they start doing things toto improve themselves
individually and also in therelationship, then comes the
part where they have to maintainthat change.
And this brings up my big Icouldn't wait to ask you this
(21:00):
about coping.
So a counselor job you cannever really make the trauma or
the pain of whatever they'regoing through from childhood say
to whatever's occurred to them.
I mean whatever's happened tothem, so it never goes away.
It's my question Does it ever?
Are you ever completely healed,or do you just teach us how to
(21:21):
cope with what's going on insideof us?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
It doesn't go away right.
Our past is our past and thewounds that happened to us.
What changes?
Is what we believe aboutourselves or don't believe about
ourselves.
That brings healing and freedomfrom the past.
So we don't change our past,but we can be free from how that
(21:47):
past affects us.
Yes, exactly, I agreewholeheartedly, because that
happened to me personally, youknow, and I even learned how to
turn the pain into like fuelenergy suppose you were
(22:16):
discovered, you had a childhoodhurt when you were seven years
old and things happened to youand you started to believe about
yourself that you were notloved or you were not important.
And so then, out of that, thosethings would affect your
relationship when you're 40 or50 years old.
(22:36):
Because if you think I'm notimportant, then you could
ultimately start to think that,well, what I say doesn't matter.
You might start to think, well,my spouse is ultimately going
to leave me because I'm notimportant, I'm not significant.
What I, as simple as I might,have a hard time remembering
(23:03):
people's names because I don'tthink they think I'm important.
So if they don't think I'mimportant, they don't see me as
valuable.
Then I might not invest enoughenergy into even learning
people's names.
So here's something that I findthat's motivating for people
(23:27):
when we discover the hurt atseven years old.
Well, so we started to believesomething about ourselves when
we were seven, and so that, andmany times the seven right, the
seven-year-old, the six-year-oldtheir evaluation of what
happened and how it, what it wassaying about them, is not
(23:49):
accurate, but it's what theybelieved.
It's what they believed theirseven-year-old self is not.
They're not talking to mom anddad saying, hey, no one thinks
I'm significant.
That's not what they're saying,but it's an internal thing that
they begin to believe.
And so the way that's affectingthem today, at 40, is that no
(24:16):
one's pointed that out to them.
And the seven-year-old self, theseven-year-old Charles, is
following Charles around andsaying no one cares about you,
no one cares about you.
And so one of the things thatis motivating for people is you
(24:37):
know, pam, if a seven-year-oldlittle boy came in here and told
you about your shoes or the wayyou did your hair, you would go
, hey, you're in the wrong room.
You would usher them out.
But we don't do that.
We allow our seven-year-oldself to come in and speak to us
(24:57):
about core beliefs, about who weare, and it's very motivating
when I realize, oh my gosh, I'mletting a seven-year-old speak
to me about my value.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
Right.
It seems kind of ridiculous ifyou step away from and look in.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Yeah, I wouldn't let a seven-year-old come in and
tell me how to do right, how torun my household or run my
business Right, but I'm lettingthat seven-year-old speak to the
very core of who I am, and soit's motivating to find out.
Oh what.
I don't want that to happenanymore and I'm going to correct
(25:41):
that thought.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yes.
Yes, and you heal the child andthe inner child.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
Yes, here's what's true about me.
Here's what other people say.
Here's what my heavenly fathersays.
Here's what my spouse says.
This is what I'm going to liveout of.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Right.
I just love that because that'sI think it affects a lot of
people when they don't realizethat it's their inner child
that's leading things around.
Yes, and they wonder why theirlife is like living a life like
a seven-year-old would.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
And obviously that's going to affect how we operate
in our work.
It certainly operates, oraffects how we operate with our
spouse, also with our children.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
Yeah, it's just like an endless.
It's a vicious cycle.
Yeah, it's just like an.
It's a vicious cycle, and Iguess that's what people mean
when they say you've got tobreak the cycle of either abuse
or believing the lies aboutyourself or whatever it is.
But it's usually learned fromsomewhere.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
So that brings me to the second M in my little
strategy Maintenance,maintenance, maintenance is a
skill, I believe, and it's sonecessary in all aspects of our
lives, not just our own innerbattles, inner struggles, um,
and belief systems, but you knowlike, and even with our health.
But you know, losing weight,for example, let's use that.
(27:09):
A lot of people say, oh, I dothe yo-yo dieting thing where I
gain weight and then I lose itand then I gain it back, and
that's not maintaining.
And there's a lot of peoplethat do pretty severe things to
their bodies, inject stuff, youknow, to lose the weight,
because they just can't seem tofigure out how to lose the
weight and keep it off.
(27:30):
In reality, we must learn howto maintain our weight first and
then apply the special diet ora special medication or whatever
it is we want to do.
But I'm sure that it's the sameway.
How do you feel about that inrelationships?
I mean maintaining what theyhave started to implement, to
improve.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
I suppose I've never used the word maintain, but I
see where you're coming from.
The way I would apply that intherapy is that, as we talked
about the seven-year-old littleboy speaking to me about who I
am, all of that is sosubconscious.
(28:15):
We've done it for so long thatwe don't catch the things that
your seven-year-old self istelling you.
I have people name theirchildhood right Like little
Bobby, whatever you want to dochildhood right Like little
Bobby, whatever, whatever youwant to do, that right.
(28:36):
But little Bobby has beentelling them things
subconsciously and somaintenance comes from catching
the subconscious thoughts thatcome in from little Bobby.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
And so I have to be able to recognize those little
statements that I make aboutmyself.
That's where maintenance startsto happen.
If I do not effectively catchthose subconscious thoughts,
then I won't make long-termchange.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Exactly, and you know how I got to.
Maintenance with myself isjournaling, because I would
journal whatever it was.
Maybe the seven-year-old me wastelling me something and I
would write about it and then aweek later review it with my
counselor or myself and I wouldsay, gosh, that sounds so seven
(29:38):
year old-ish.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
I can't believe I said those things about myself.
I can't believe I was thinkingthat.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
So a lot of people don't even want to, to think
about journaling.
They think they it'suncomfortable for them or it's
just another step that theydon't think will be useful.
But I'm telling you, if you canlook back I'd say a year later,
after journaling consistently,you will see a pattern.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
People do have a difficult time starting to
journal for sure it saved me, itsaved my life.
But it very much is helpfulbecause you'll start to catch
some of the subconscious thingsthat you're telling yourself,
because you're writing them down.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Yeah, yeah, because you said, sometimes we don't
even recognize it, we don't evenrealize how that's impacting us
.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
And also, didn't you find?
When you wrote it down, you mayhave been feeling it on a scale
of one to 10.
You might've been feeling it ateight or nine, but after you
wrote it down and read over itonce or twice, maybe now you're
only feeling it at a four orfive.
It has a way of pulling some ofthe emotion, the emotional
(30:48):
energy that we have, out of that.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Yeah.
So we use the motivation tostart something we really don't
want to do, but we're going tosee if it works.
Right, that's what I always askmyself.
Okay, I don't think this isreally useful for me, but I'm
going to try it anyway, becausesomeone is telling me that it
will be useful.
So I'll give it a try and thenI'll realize, wow, this is
working.
And then I'll realize, wow,this is working.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
This is helping me.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Yes, this is helping, and so I continue.
I maintain that.
So what happens aftermaintenance is move, and I don't
mean physically move your body.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
movement would mean in the counseling world?
Well, movement means that it isspeaking to me about
improvement.
Improvement about how I seemyself, the way excuse me, the
way I live, because my thoughtsabout myself have changed.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Yes, yes, the movement is just moving.
Now you can move the needle, soto speak.
Now you're maintaining.
You can move the needle, so tospeak.
Now you're maintaining you'reno longer getting worse and
making your whole life justmiserable, or your marriage or
your whatever relationshipyou're in with your significant
other.
You know it's not getting worseanymore, it's staying the same,
but there's still somebrokenness inside of you, and so
(32:07):
you must now make effort ortake movement to improve.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
Exactly the way I would illustrate that is from my
own life.
When I graduated from I wasabout to graduate from St Mary's
with my master's I was beingoffered a job in the panhandle
which would mean we would moveaway from San Antonio, which my
(32:37):
in-laws who live in San Antoniodid not want, my wife did not
want.
But I internally, wasstruggling with.
I can't start my own practice.
I can't do this.
I can't compete with all ofthese other people that have
counseling degrees.
(32:58):
This is not going to work forme.
I have a job offer in thepanhandle, back where I was a
minister, and I can just go backthere and take this safe job.
And I shared it with aprofessor and he very kindly and
(33:25):
very bluntly asked me thequestion Charles, when are you
going to quit, being so small?
And he and I had a reallywonderful relationship.
And he and I had a reallywonderful relationship and so it
started this 3M process.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
for me, the first M is motivation.
I didn't want to speak wrong,so it's motivation.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
So the conversation motivated me because I was like
I think he's right, I think Ialways think small, and so I
began to ask myself a questionevery day, several times a day,
about is this a small decision?
(34:14):
Is this a small decision?
And when you're getting acounseling practice going, you
see a couple of people a weekand then you go home and you
wonder how you're going to payyour bills.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
And so I would have numerous days that I wanted to
go home and sit in my chair andpout because I don't know how
I'm going to get this going.
And I would ask myself is thisa small decision?
Yes, going home and sitting onmy chair and pouting is a small
decision.
So what can I do differently?
And so I knew I had been ayouth minister for 20 years, so
(34:56):
I started contacting churches.
These people need a counselorwho's been down my path, and I
started building relationshipswith those people.
It came out of the Charles.
Why are you being so small,being motivated and then
beginning to the next?
(35:20):
M is Is maintenance.
Maintenance.
So I began to maintain that inmy life by asking daily, almost
hourly, sometimes is this asmall decision?
Is this a small decision sothat I could evaluate it and do
something different?
Speaker 1 (35:37):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
After doing that for, I think, 12 to 18 months, it
then started to become naturalto me where I wasn't making the
small decision.
I wasn't wanting to go home andsit in the chair and pout, but
I saw the fruit of my effortstalking with churches and so I
(36:07):
kept those things up.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
Yes, you know what this reminds me of Visualization
, because there's a oh I'll giveher a shout out but a podcast
that I listen to every singleday.
It's Heather Robertson and shehas a podcast called Half Size
Me.
You should look it up.
It is so useful.
But she talks a lot about thebrain and how the brain
functions the lower brain versusthe frontal cortex brain yes,
(36:30):
versus the frontal cortex brainyes, but she talks about
visualization, which is, youneed to think about what you
want to do more than anything inthe world, and then just start
visualizing that, because thenthat's going to train your brain
, it's going to convince yourbrain that that is possible, and
then it will start to happen,because your brain is going to
(36:50):
activate.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
You start finding ways to accomplish what you want
to do, but you've got tovisualize first.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
You can't think small .
Speaker 2 (36:57):
You have to dream, you have to have a vision.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
And sometimes people don't even know what that is.
I'm sure do you ever get thatwhen you're treating your
patients, you ask them what doyou want to do?
Don't tell me everything youdon't want.
What do you want?
And maybe people can't tell youthat?
Speaker 2 (37:17):
They can't even tell me, well, what's good about you?
They listen so much to rightlittle Johnny, right the
seven-year-old yes, that theyhave lost sight of their gifting
.
They've lost sight of theirright, the special things about
(37:39):
them.
They don't even see them.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
That makes me so sad.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
But the beauty of it is that when we start to talk
about it and then they realize Idon't even know what's good
about me and their spouse seesthat they can speak into their
life about what they love aboutthem.
Speaker 1 (38:04):
Yes, there's the values.
That's what I was talking aboutloving someone.
If you love someone, truly,love them.
You will see their value andyou will remind them of it every
day.
Sure, in different ways, notjust words.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
You will see their value and you will remind them
of it every day.
Sure, In different ways.
Not just words Right, but inthe actions, the way you yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
In the movement in the third M in my strategy, but
this reminds me of something.
I think it's something you saidonce when I was listening.
I don't know.
It's about the sliver, a sliverof God in all of us.
Was that you I?
Speaker 2 (38:35):
can't remember.
I don't think that was me.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
But we talked about how all people we cannot be all
that God is, of course, but eachof us has a sliver- oh, I know
what you're talking about, right?
Speaker 2 (38:46):
So you see certain things in someone.
For example, your kindnessreflects the character of my
heavenly father.
He reflects the character ofChrist.
That is who Pam Dwyer is.
Kindness comes out of her anddoing things for people, and in
(39:07):
that way Pam Dwyer reflects thecharacter of Christ.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
I love that so much.
Yes, it was you, because Iremember you stating that you
know I wish I could.
You need to write a book.
That's what I think.
I think everyone has a book inthem.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Well, you certainly had a book in you and it was
fabulous.
I couldn't put it down.
I really, really.
It was over the Christmas breakand I picked it up and all my
family was there and I foundmyself getting up early in the
morning, before my kids wouldget up, so I could read the book
.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
What happens next?
Speaker 2 (39:45):
Yes, I loved it.
My daughter read it, she lovedit, so thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (39:51):
That means a lot coming from you.
I just think the world of you.
I just, I just watch yousometimes and think I want to do
that, I want to be like that, Iwant to help people like that.
So I'm trying to through mybook and through my message
which, my goodness, you are afirm believer in past.
You know, making you.
The past is making you who youare today.
(40:13):
But my mantra I don't know ifyou remember it is your past
doesn't define you, it preparesyou.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
Yes, and I love that.
Yeah, it does not define us,our mistakes, our falling on our
face, our doing dumb things,which we all do Does not define
us.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
Right, that's such a good reminder.
And well, charles, I thinkwe're going to try to close this
.
I don't want to.
I want to just keep pickingyour brain for all these
valuable things.
Well, I can come back.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
I really enjoy this.
This is fun because I want youto remember me when you get big,
right the small people right inyour life, right, as you keep
on writing and reaching peopleand helping change their life,
that will be great, that's thegoal.
Speaker 1 (41:02):
I remember someone asking me, someone that was
considering helping me publishmy book, and they said we just
ask one question, and that iswhy.
What is your why?
Why are you writing this book?
If you're writing it to makemoney, then good luck, but if
you're writing it to get famous,then we don't.
We don't want to help you.
They wanted a book.
They could believe in a storyand that's what I said.
(41:22):
I said I'm really a storyteller.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
And you did a fabulous job of that.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Thank you so much, Charles, and you do fabulous
things for people every day,helping them improve their lives
helping them realize they'revalued and they're worthy.
I mean all these things.
That's all I ever wanted when Iwas so broken was for someone
to see me, because I felt aloneand I felt invisible in my
brokenness and you really helppeople eliminate that.
(41:51):
You help them see and you seethem and then they feel value.
So it's a wonderful gift youhave.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Well, thank you.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
And any closing words for our listeners.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
If you haven't read the book, you should read the
book.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
I promise you, I did not pay him to say that.
Thank you so much, charles.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Thank you, Pam.
Thanks for having me.
It's been a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Charles.
Thank you so much, charles.
Thank you, Pam.
Thanks for having me.
It's been a pleasure.
Charles, thank you so much forsharing all your wisdom with us
today.
I know that a lot of peoplewill take away something very
valuable from all of it and forthose of you listening, remember
you don't have to changeeverything overnight.
Just take one step, one action.
That's how we stay motivated,maintain progress and move
(42:35):
toward the life we want.
Let's do this together.
Talk to you next week.
I'm out.
Hi, there, it's me, pam, and welcome back to another
episode of the Plus One TheoryPodcast.
I am so excited for today'sepisode because we have a very
special guest, charles Coulter.
He is an incredible,faith-based marriage counselor
who has helped so many peoplefind balance in their
relationships, their careers andtheir personal lives.
(00:35):
Today, we're diving intosomething every single one of us
struggles with Balance.
Yes, maintaining balance in ourlives, whether it's balancing
relationships, career, mentalhealth or personal growth.
It can feel so overwhelming,and so I came up with a strategy
the 3M strategy.
(00:56):
It would help us all rememberhow to apply these things in our
everyday lives.
Things in our everyday livesthere's motivate, maintain and
move.
This simple approach can helpyou create sustainable changes
in your relationships, yourmindset and your overall
well-being.
We're also going to talk aboutwhy balance isn't about
(01:17):
perfection.
It's about pacing yourself,setting healthy boundaries and
taking intentional small stepsforward.
And who better to discuss thiswith than Charles Coulter?
He's worked with couples,families and individuals to help
them create lasting change, andhe's joining us today to share
how small, incremental steps canimprove our relationships and
(01:38):
our overall emotional health.
So stay tuned, because we havea lot of powerful insights
coming your way.
Let's get started.
Before we get started, though, Iwant to take a second to
(01:59):
explain what the plus one theoryis.
For all those who might be newto this podcast, this theory is
not about doing more work,overextending yourself or
exhausting yourself to provesomething.
It's about small, intentionalsteps that create real, lasting
change in your life.
Let's think about this in termsof relationships.
(02:20):
If your marriage feels strained, it's tempting to think that
one grand gesture will fixeverything, but the reality is
it's the small daily choices anextra kind word, one more moment
of patience, one act ofgratitude that build a
foundation for a strongerrelationship.
This applies to every area oflife your health, your mindset,
(02:44):
your career, your faith.
One small action layered on topof another compounds into
something powerful, and todaywe're going to use this 3M
framework motivate, maintain andmove to explore how small
shifts in our relationships,communication and emotional
well-being can lead to bigbreakthroughs.
(03:05):
And we'll be talking withCharles Coulter to explore how
this applies to marriages,partnerships and personal growth
.
So let's dive in.
(03:26):
Okay, let's talk about this 3Mstrategy.
This framework is something Iuse in my own life and I truly
believe it can help anyonestruggling with balance and
consistency, which is me a lot.
Okay, the first one.
The first M is motivate.
This is about finding whatdrives you, what excites you and
(03:47):
what inspires you to takeaction.
Motivation isn't about waitingfor the right moment.
It's about taking small,intentional steps to build that
momentum, whether inrelationships, career or
personal growth.
Motivation starts with one smallaction.
And the second M is maintain.
This is where most peoplestruggle.
(04:08):
It's not enough to get started.
You have to find ways to keepgoing without burning out.
So many people make the mistakeof trying to do too much too
fast, only to give up when theycan't sustain it.
Maintenance is the key tolong-term success.
Okay, one of my favoritepodcasts that I listen to every
(04:28):
single day is HeatherRobertson's Half Size Me podcast
.
She teaches that maintenance isa skill, just like weight loss
is a skill.
If you can maintain what youhave today, then you can tweak
and adjust to improve.
The plus one theory fitsperfectly with this, because it
reminds us that we don't needdrastic changes.
(04:49):
We just need to keep movingforward, one small step at a
time.
And finally, the third M is formove.
This is about adaptability andgrowth.
If something isn't working, wepivot, we adjust and we keep
moving forward.
Movement can mean differentthings for different people,
whether it's physical movement,emotional growth or stepping
(05:13):
into a new opportunity.
But the key is you don't staystuck.
These three pillars motivate,maintain and move work together
to create lasting change.
Motivate, maintain and movework together to create lasting
change.
When you apply them with theplus one theory, you don't feel
overwhelmed because you're justfocusing on that.
Speaker 2 (05:32):
One extra step All right, you ready, I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (05:45):
Yeah, I'm excited.
Okay, me too.
Okay, hey, charles, welcome tothe Plus One Theory podcast.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Oh, thanks, pam, I'm so glad to be here.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Well, we're very fortunate to have you and your
expertise with us today.
I've been looking forward tothis so much, because a lot of
what we talk about with the plusone theory revolves around a
lot of things that I'm sure youdeal with on a regular basis
with your patients, right?
But before we get started, Ijust wanted to tell the
listeners a little bit about you, if that's okay.
Speaker 2 (06:17):
That'd be great.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Okay, so I know that you are a licensed professional
counselor in San.
Antonio, Texas, and you earnedyour bachelor's degree from
Texas Tech University.
Speaker 2 (06:29):
That's right.
Speaker 1 (06:29):
And a master's degree in community counseling from St
Mary's University.
Yes, and it says here.
You began your career as ayouth pastor, which is very
impressive, counseling teens andfamilies in a lay position.
So since 2003, you've been inprivate practice, where your
clients describe you as bothempathetic and straightforward
(06:52):
in your approach.
You're committed to helpingpeople uncover their root
beliefs that drive negativebehaviors, empowering them to
make meaningful, lasting changes, and your greatest reward as a
therapist is seeing people findfreedom from their past.
I love that.
I love that so much so you metwhat.
(07:12):
What on earth it spurred you oninto counseling?
Why did you want to pursue that?
Speaker 2 (07:18):
well.
So I felt called to theministry youth when I was a
junior in high school and Ireally loved being a youth
minister and I know some peopleget into the ministry because
they want to ultimately be thepastor and that was never even
(07:41):
in front of me.
I just loved being a youthminister and seeing and working
with students.
My mentor was a youth ministerbut he was also a licensed
professional counselor and sothat was inspiring for me and he
(08:03):
helped me through all of mytrauma growing up and drama and
just family stuff and I wasinspired by that and so
eventually here I am.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Wow.
So I am with you on that,because even in doing this
podcast and in writing my bookFrom the Piney Woods, we're
basically we've lived it.
And then you try to figure outways how to live life with that
inside of you.
And so then you begin studyingand trying to figure it out.
But you went a lot further.
(08:41):
You educated yourself in it sothat you could help others.
You went a lot further youeducated yourself in it so that
you could help others.
I did not go that far, butthat's okay.
But I still try to help peoplewith what happened to me, the
pain.
I just want to use whathappened to me and turn it into
something good.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
For sure To take the road that we've been down and
then being able to help peoplelearn from the things that we've
learned along the way and maybethey get it sooner and they
find the freedom.
I want people to find thefreedom from the past and from
the wounds that happened to them.
Speaker 1 (09:19):
Well, let's talk a little more specific.
So you are a Christian marriagecounselor.
Speaker 2 (09:24):
So this is a good question, because oftentimes
people are like well, are youlike a Christian counselor or
you're a professional counselor?
Well, I am a licensedprofessional counselor and my
walk and my relationship with myheavenly father is very
important to me, and so it isimpossible for a counselor to
(09:49):
separate their background andjust walk into a room and just
I'm just going to be theprofessional counselor.
So instead of trying toseparate those things, I'm just
very upfront with people and letthem know like this is who I am
, and so I'm not there to pushmy Christian or spiritual
(10:10):
beliefs down their throat.
But most people find me knowingthat I am a licensed
professional counselor but I'm aChristian, and so they ask
questions and, in a way, so theycould find out well, how much
do you include scripture andyour relationship with God in
(10:31):
your counseling?
And many people that find me orchoose me that they want that.
Speaker 1 (10:38):
Wow, I know it's a hard place to be because you
don't want to just target thefaith community.
Hard place to be because youdon't want to just target the
faith community.
I mean, my daughter was onethat told me she goes mom, how
am I supposed to shine God'slight in very well lit places?
You know, we need to shineGod's light in dark places too,
and that means people.
Maybe they don't even knowChrist.
So right.
Speaker 2 (11:00):
Some people want to know okay, I'm a believer, and
they just want to know that I goto church and that matters to
me.
And some people want me to goas far as praying with them and
using Scripture, and so I'mcomfortable in doing both and I
don't want to push that Onanyone.
Yeah, no, I'm not trying topush it on anyone.
(11:21):
Yeah, no, I'm not trying topush it on anyone.
Speaker 1 (11:22):
Right, it's a fine line.
It's a boundary that you haveto figure out, and I'm sure it's
different with every family orevery couple that you treat.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
True, everyone's background is different.
Speaker 1 (11:34):
Yeah, so you see families as well.
Speaker 2 (11:42):
I do see families as well.
I don't see children just bythemselves.
I will see teenagers, as longas that teenager is willing to
and is ready to do what we calltalk therapy.
If I'm asking them 50 questionsin a session, that means
they're not ready and I just letmom and dad know, hey, like
(12:03):
you're going to waste your timeand your money because they're
not ready for that.
So I do a lot of relationshipcounseling their past wounds and
their past family trauma anddrama, things that are impacting
(12:28):
their relationship and so ithelps them grow individually and
then, ultimately, theirmarriage seems to grow as well.
Speaker 1 (12:37):
It fits right in with this little strategy that I
have put together for myself,but for our listeners as well,
because my goal is to discusswhatever it is we're going to
talk about.
That involves the plus onetheory and how to apply it in
your life.
But I really want to.
I want it to stick Right, Iwant it to stay with you so that
(12:59):
you think about it on a regularbasis.
So my three in strategyinvolves motivation and
maintenance, which are maintain,and then move or movement.
And so if I remind myself in myown life about, okay, am I
motivated to do this with theplus one theory in mind?
But motivation doesn't happenwithout inspiration.
(13:22):
But you know, inspire is an I,not a letter M.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
That's what I'm saying I understand what you're
saying, like the process whenpeople learn about their wounds
and how those wounds and hurtsfrom childhood are affecting
them, because I'm a cognitivebehavioral therapist and so the
(13:49):
theory says that when someonechanges their mind or the way
that they think about things,then ultimately their behaviors
and thoughts will begin tochange.
Speaker 1 (14:02):
Okay.
So my question to you is onceyou realize what those behaviors
are, you know, how do you, howdo you encourage or motivate
them to start applying whatevertechniques you're teaching them?
I mean, how do you inspire themto do that?
Speaker 2 (14:20):
How do I?
So?
What you're asking me is, howdo I inspire them to, to make
those behavior changes?
Well, the thing that I focus onis a person's beliefs and
thoughts that are affectingtheir behaviors.
So kind of basic psychologythat I was taught was beliefs.
(14:46):
Our beliefs lead to ourthoughts.
Our thoughts then lead toactions and feelings.
Okay, okay, okay.
So we have beliefs, which isthe engine of the train and is
pulling our thoughts and actions, and then feelings tends to
(15:08):
always be the caboose Right.
Speaker 1 (15:09):
So what you're saying basically let me make sure I
understand is that action occursbefore motivation, because
they're already implementingwhat their belief system is.
They're already living theirlives.
But obviously there's some kindof issue going on, either in
their relationship or withthemselves, because they're
acting on their belief systemand what their feelings and
(15:32):
emotions are.
But the motivation has to comewith help.
Speaker 2 (15:38):
Yes.
So some people will come intomy office and say, okay, well,
what happened to me at 10 yearsold I can't change.
So all right, let's move on.
We don't need to talk aboutthat, right?
Therapists never say that welove to talk about childhood,
right?
We always say let's talk aboutyour childhood.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Every therapist I've ever had, has asked me that.
Speaker 2 (16:02):
And thus people want to, especially men, are like I
don't want to talk about mychildhood.
However, we can learn a greatdeal about our belief system
because we generally pick thatup from between the ages of 6
(16:24):
and 12.
Belief system being what youthink about yourself, the things
that you learn.
You learn something aboutyourself at seven.
Your childhood self thought ohI'm, I'm going to be successful
or I'm insignificant.
I am, I matter or no one caresabout me.
(16:48):
And those are the belief.
When we use the word beliefs,that's what therapists are
talking about.
What are, what are your beliefs, your internal thoughts about
yourself?
Because we live out of thosethings and our actions and our
feelings are driven by thosethings.
Speaker 1 (17:07):
Well, you and I have had conversations before and you
have said to me many times Pam,you know, stop believing the
lies, don't believe those liesabout yourself.
You've got to stop believingthem and start seeing that you
are worthy.
So Right.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
So when we talk about , when you say you're worthy,
those are things that we learnabout from what our heavenly
father says about us.
We learn about from what ourHeavenly Father says about us,
okay.
And it doesn't mean that thisstuff doesn't apply if you're
not a believer.
It doesn't mean that, but itjust means that you would find
(17:46):
corrective thoughts fromdifferent places.
Okay, okay, like your value.
Different places Okay Okay,like your value, like I believe
I'm valuable because my heavenlyfather tells me I'm valuable.
He has a plan and a purpose forme.
But someone who's not abeliever, it doesn't mean they
don't have value, but they findtheir value from other places
(18:10):
from their spouse, from thepeople they work with, the
people that they live with, thepeople that are around them.
Those kinds of things.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
And I'm a firm believer that value holds a lot
of weight with loving someone.
Because if you figure out whatsomeone's values are and then
love them for those values andsupport those values, that's
when love starts happening.
You know, love is at thefoundation of everything, is my
(18:40):
belief.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
Well, we can't love other people unless we love
ourselves.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
Yes, I'm sure you see that a lot too.
So you know, when you domarriage counseling and you get
a couple that's, you know,struggling in the relationship
and they come in and you alreadyknow that you know one person
(19:07):
you need to see privately, Imean, is that does that happen
frequently, where you starttreating them?
Speaker 2 (19:10):
individually first and then move on into the couple
relationship, or how does thatwork?
Or how does that work.
Lots of times I try to keepthem together because it's so
helpful for your spouse to seewhat these hurts, and out of
those hurts came beliefs, whenthey start to see those things.
Many times those things thatthey share may have never been
(19:31):
shared with their spouse, eventhough they've been married 20
or 30 years.
Speaker 1 (19:35):
It's real easy to lose that connection.
With no communication, there'sno connection and then there's
distance.
So is that the common thingthat's happening with
relationships?
Do?
You see a lot more of the sametype of stuff now compared to,
say, 10 years ago.
I mean, are things different inthese couple relationships with
(19:56):
how they're connecting, howthey're communicating with one
another, or is it all prettymuch the same?
Speaker 2 (20:03):
No, I don't think it's different.
I think that the people'swounds that they have from
childhood still affect who theyare in their relationship.
The thing that has changed is Ihave a better understanding of
it and see it clearer for whatit is, and I hope I do a better
(20:28):
job of communicating with themhow that's affecting them, how
they can see their past and howit's affecting their motivation
in the relationship.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
Exactly so.
There is the motivation.
So once you take them there andthen they have this realization
and they start doing things toto improve themselves
individually and also in therelationship, then comes the
part where they have to maintainthat change.
And this brings up my big Icouldn't wait to ask you this
(21:00):
about coping.
So a counselor job you cannever really make the trauma or
the pain of whatever they'regoing through from childhood say
to whatever's occurred to them.
I mean whatever's happened tothem, so it never goes away.
It's my question Does it ever?
Are you ever completely healed,or do you just teach us how to
(21:21):
cope with what's going on insideof us?
Speaker 2 (21:25):
It doesn't go away right.
Our past is our past and thewounds that happened to us.
What changes?
Is what we believe aboutourselves or don't believe about
ourselves.
That brings healing and freedomfrom the past.
So we don't change our past,but we can be free from how that
(21:47):
past affects us.
Yes, exactly, I agreewholeheartedly, because that
happened to me personally, youknow, and I even learned how to
turn the pain into like fuelenergy suppose you were
(22:16):
discovered, you had a childhoodhurt when you were seven years
old and things happened to youand you started to believe about
yourself that you were notloved or you were not important.
And so then, out of that, thosethings would affect your
relationship when you're 40 or50 years old.
(22:36):
Because if you think I'm notimportant, then you could
ultimately start to think that,well, what I say doesn't matter.
You might start to think, well,my spouse is ultimately going
to leave me because I'm notimportant, I'm not significant.
What I, as simple as I might,have a hard time remembering
(23:03):
people's names because I don'tthink they think I'm important.
So if they don't think I'mimportant, they don't see me as
valuable.
Then I might not invest enoughenergy into even learning
people's names.
So here's something that I findthat's motivating for people
(23:27):
when we discover the hurt atseven years old.
Well, so we started to believesomething about ourselves when
we were seven, and so that, andmany times the seven right, the
seven-year-old, the six-year-oldtheir evaluation of what
happened and how it, what it wassaying about them, is not
(23:49):
accurate, but it's what theybelieved.
It's what they believed theirseven-year-old self is not.
They're not talking to mom anddad saying, hey, no one thinks
I'm significant.
That's not what they're saying,but it's an internal thing that
they begin to believe.
And so the way that's affectingthem today, at 40, is that no
(24:16):
one's pointed that out to them.
And the seven-year-old self, theseven-year-old Charles, is
following Charles around andsaying no one cares about you,
no one cares about you.
And so one of the things thatis motivating for people is you
(24:37):
know, pam, if a seven-year-oldlittle boy came in here and told
you about your shoes or the wayyou did your hair, you would go
, hey, you're in the wrong room.
You would usher them out.
But we don't do that.
We allow our seven-year-oldself to come in and speak to us
(24:57):
about core beliefs, about who weare, and it's very motivating
when I realize, oh my gosh, I'mletting a seven-year-old speak
to me about my value.
Speaker 1 (25:15):
Right.
It seems kind of ridiculous ifyou step away from and look in.
Speaker 2 (25:19):
Yeah, I wouldn't let a seven-year-old come in and
tell me how to do right, how torun my household or run my
business Right, but I'm lettingthat seven-year-old speak to the
very core of who I am, and soit's motivating to find out.
Oh what.
I don't want that to happenanymore and I'm going to correct
(25:41):
that thought.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
Yes.
Yes, and you heal the child andthe inner child.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
Yes, here's what's true about me.
Here's what other people say.
Here's what my heavenly fathersays.
Here's what my spouse says.
This is what I'm going to liveout of.
Speaker 1 (25:59):
Right.
I just love that because that'sI think it affects a lot of
people when they don't realizethat it's their inner child
that's leading things around.
Yes, and they wonder why theirlife is like living a life like
a seven-year-old would.
Speaker 2 (26:14):
And obviously that's going to affect how we operate
in our work.
It certainly operates, oraffects how we operate with our
spouse, also with our children.
Speaker 1 (26:28):
Yeah, it's just like an endless.
It's a vicious cycle.
Yeah, it's just like an.
It's a vicious cycle, and Iguess that's what people mean
when they say you've got tobreak the cycle of either abuse
or believing the lies aboutyourself or whatever it is.
But it's usually learned fromsomewhere.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
For sure.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
So that brings me to the second M in my little
strategy Maintenance,maintenance, maintenance is a
skill, I believe, and it's sonecessary in all aspects of our
lives, not just our own innerbattles, inner struggles, um,
and belief systems, but you knowlike, and even with our health.
But you know, losing weight,for example, let's use that.
(27:09):
A lot of people say, oh, I dothe yo-yo dieting thing where I
gain weight and then I lose itand then I gain it back, and
that's not maintaining.
And there's a lot of peoplethat do pretty severe things to
their bodies, inject stuff, youknow, to lose the weight,
because they just can't seem tofigure out how to lose the
weight and keep it off.
(27:30):
In reality, we must learn howto maintain our weight first and
then apply the special diet ora special medication or whatever
it is we want to do.
But I'm sure that it's the sameway.
How do you feel about that inrelationships?
I mean maintaining what theyhave started to implement, to
improve.
Speaker 2 (27:51):
I suppose I've never used the word maintain, but I
see where you're coming from.
The way I would apply that intherapy is that, as we talked
about the seven-year-old littleboy speaking to me about who I
am, all of that is sosubconscious.
(28:15):
We've done it for so long thatwe don't catch the things that
your seven-year-old self istelling you.
I have people name theirchildhood right Like little
Bobby, whatever you want to dochildhood right Like little
Bobby, whatever, whatever youwant to do, that right.
(28:36):
But little Bobby has beentelling them things
subconsciously and somaintenance comes from catching
the subconscious thoughts thatcome in from little Bobby.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
And so I have to be able to recognize those little
statements that I make aboutmyself.
That's where maintenance startsto happen.
If I do not effectively catchthose subconscious thoughts,
then I won't make long-termchange.
Speaker 1 (29:15):
Exactly, and you know how I got to.
Maintenance with myself isjournaling, because I would
journal whatever it was.
Maybe the seven-year-old me wastelling me something and I
would write about it and then aweek later review it with my
counselor or myself and I wouldsay, gosh, that sounds so seven
(29:38):
year old-ish.
Speaker 2 (29:40):
I can't believe I said those things about myself.
I can't believe I was thinkingthat.
Speaker 1 (29:44):
So a lot of people don't even want to, to think
about journaling.
They think they it'suncomfortable for them or it's
just another step that theydon't think will be useful.
But I'm telling you, if you canlook back I'd say a year later,
after journaling consistently,you will see a pattern.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
People do have a difficult time starting to
journal for sure it saved me, itsaved my life.
But it very much is helpfulbecause you'll start to catch
some of the subconscious thingsthat you're telling yourself,
because you're writing them down.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
Yeah, yeah, because you said, sometimes we don't
even recognize it, we don't evenrealize how that's impacting us
.
Speaker 2 (30:26):
And also, didn't you find?
When you wrote it down, you mayhave been feeling it on a scale
of one to 10.
You might've been feeling it ateight or nine, but after you
wrote it down and read over itonce or twice, maybe now you're
only feeling it at a four orfive.
It has a way of pulling some ofthe emotion, the emotional
(30:48):
energy that we have, out of that.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
Yeah.
So we use the motivation tostart something we really don't
want to do, but we're going tosee if it works.
Right, that's what I always askmyself.
Okay, I don't think this isreally useful for me, but I'm
going to try it anyway, becausesomeone is telling me that it
will be useful.
So I'll give it a try and thenI'll realize, wow, this is
working.
And then I'll realize, wow,this is working.
Speaker 2 (31:11):
This is helping me.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
Yes, this is helping, and so I continue.
I maintain that.
So what happens aftermaintenance is move, and I don't
mean physically move your body.
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (31:28):
movement would mean in the counseling world?
Well, movement means that it isspeaking to me about
improvement.
Improvement about how I seemyself, the way excuse me, the
way I live, because my thoughtsabout myself have changed.
Speaker 1 (31:45):
Yes, yes, the movement is just moving.
Now you can move the needle, soto speak.
Now you're maintaining.
You can move the needle, so tospeak.
Now you're maintaining you'reno longer getting worse and
making your whole life justmiserable, or your marriage or
your whatever relationshipyou're in with your significant
other.
You know it's not getting worseanymore, it's staying the same,
but there's still somebrokenness inside of you, and so
(32:07):
you must now make effort ortake movement to improve.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
Exactly the way I would illustrate that is from my
own life.
When I graduated from I wasabout to graduate from St Mary's
with my master's I was beingoffered a job in the panhandle
which would mean we would moveaway from San Antonio, which my
(32:37):
in-laws who live in San Antoniodid not want, my wife did not
want.
But I internally, wasstruggling with.
I can't start my own practice.
I can't do this.
I can't compete with all ofthese other people that have
counseling degrees.
(32:58):
This is not going to work forme.
I have a job offer in thepanhandle, back where I was a
minister, and I can just go backthere and take this safe job.
And I shared it with aprofessor and he very kindly and
(33:25):
very bluntly asked me thequestion Charles, when are you
going to quit, being so small?
And he and I had a reallywonderful relationship.
And he and I had a reallywonderful relationship and so it
started this 3M process.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
for me, the first M is motivation.
I didn't want to speak wrong,so it's motivation.
Speaker 2 (33:54):
So the conversation motivated me because I was like
I think he's right, I think Ialways think small, and so I
began to ask myself a questionevery day, several times a day,
about is this a small decision?
(34:14):
Is this a small decision?
And when you're getting acounseling practice going, you
see a couple of people a weekand then you go home and you
wonder how you're going to payyour bills.
Speaker 1 (34:28):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (34:30):
And so I would have numerous days that I wanted to
go home and sit in my chair andpout because I don't know how
I'm going to get this going.
And I would ask myself is thisa small decision?
Yes, going home and sitting onmy chair and pouting is a small
decision.
So what can I do differently?
And so I knew I had been ayouth minister for 20 years, so
(34:56):
I started contacting churches.
These people need a counselorwho's been down my path, and I
started building relationshipswith those people.
It came out of the Charles.
Why are you being so small,being motivated and then
beginning to the next?
(35:20):
M is Is maintenance.
Maintenance.
So I began to maintain that inmy life by asking daily, almost
hourly, sometimes is this asmall decision?
Is this a small decision sothat I could evaluate it and do
something different?
Speaker 1 (35:37):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (35:39):
After doing that for, I think, 12 to 18 months, it
then started to become naturalto me where I wasn't making the
small decision.
I wasn't wanting to go home andsit in the chair and pout, but
I saw the fruit of my effortstalking with churches and so I
(36:07):
kept those things up.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
Yes, you know what this reminds me of Visualization
, because there's a oh I'll giveher a shout out but a podcast
that I listen to every singleday.
It's Heather Robertson and shehas a podcast called Half Size
Me.
You should look it up.
It is so useful.
But she talks a lot about thebrain and how the brain
functions the lower brain versusthe frontal cortex brain yes,
(36:30):
versus the frontal cortex brainyes, but she talks about
visualization, which is, youneed to think about what you
want to do more than anything inthe world, and then just start
visualizing that, because thenthat's going to train your brain
, it's going to convince yourbrain that that is possible, and
then it will start to happen,because your brain is going to
(36:50):
activate.
Speaker 2 (36:51):
You start finding ways to accomplish what you want
to do, but you've got tovisualize first.
Speaker 1 (36:56):
You can't think small .
Speaker 2 (36:57):
You have to dream, you have to have a vision.
Speaker 1 (37:00):
And sometimes people don't even know what that is.
I'm sure do you ever get thatwhen you're treating your
patients, you ask them what doyou want to do?
Don't tell me everything youdon't want.
What do you want?
And maybe people can't tell youthat?
Speaker 2 (37:17):
They can't even tell me, well, what's good about you?
They listen so much to rightlittle Johnny, right the
seven-year-old yes, that theyhave lost sight of their gifting
.
They've lost sight of theirright, the special things about
(37:39):
them.
They don't even see them.
Speaker 1 (37:42):
That makes me so sad.
Speaker 2 (37:46):
But the beauty of it is that when we start to talk
about it and then they realize Idon't even know what's good
about me and their spouse seesthat they can speak into their
life about what they love aboutthem.
Speaker 1 (38:04):
Yes, there's the values.
That's what I was talking aboutloving someone.
If you love someone, truly,love them.
You will see their value andyou will remind them of it every
day.
Sure, in different ways, notjust words.
Speaker 2 (38:13):
You will see their value and you will remind them
of it every day.
Sure, In different ways.
Not just words Right, but inthe actions, the way you yeah.
Speaker 1 (38:20):
In the movement in the third M in my strategy, but
this reminds me of something.
I think it's something you saidonce when I was listening.
I don't know.
It's about the sliver, a sliverof God in all of us.
Was that you I?
Speaker 2 (38:35):
can't remember.
I don't think that was me.
Speaker 1 (38:37):
But we talked about how all people we cannot be all
that God is, of course, but eachof us has a sliver- oh, I know
what you're talking about, right?
Speaker 2 (38:46):
So you see certain things in someone.
For example, your kindnessreflects the character of my
heavenly father.
He reflects the character ofChrist.
That is who Pam Dwyer is.
Kindness comes out of her anddoing things for people, and in
(39:07):
that way Pam Dwyer reflects thecharacter of Christ.
Speaker 1 (39:12):
I love that so much.
Yes, it was you, because Iremember you stating that you
know I wish I could.
You need to write a book.
That's what I think.
I think everyone has a book inthem.
Speaker 2 (39:24):
Well, you certainly had a book in you and it was
fabulous.
I couldn't put it down.
I really, really.
It was over the Christmas breakand I picked it up and all my
family was there and I foundmyself getting up early in the
morning, before my kids wouldget up, so I could read the book
.
Speaker 1 (39:43):
What happens next?
Speaker 2 (39:45):
Yes, I loved it.
My daughter read it, she lovedit, so thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (39:51):
That means a lot coming from you.
I just think the world of you.
I just, I just watch yousometimes and think I want to do
that, I want to be like that, Iwant to help people like that.
So I'm trying to through mybook and through my message
which, my goodness, you are afirm believer in past.
You know, making you.
The past is making you who youare today.
(40:13):
But my mantra I don't know ifyou remember it is your past
doesn't define you, it preparesyou.
Speaker 2 (40:20):
Yes, and I love that.
Yeah, it does not define us,our mistakes, our falling on our
face, our doing dumb things,which we all do Does not define
us.
Speaker 1 (40:34):
Right, that's such a good reminder.
And well, charles, I thinkwe're going to try to close this
.
I don't want to.
I want to just keep pickingyour brain for all these
valuable things.
Well, I can come back.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
I really enjoy this.
This is fun because I want youto remember me when you get big,
right the small people right inyour life, right, as you keep
on writing and reaching peopleand helping change their life,
that will be great, that's thegoal.
Speaker 1 (41:02):
I remember someone asking me, someone that was
considering helping me publishmy book, and they said we just
ask one question, and that iswhy.
What is your why?
Why are you writing this book?
If you're writing it to makemoney, then good luck, but if
you're writing it to get famous,then we don't.
We don't want to help you.
They wanted a book.
They could believe in a storyand that's what I said.
(41:22):
I said I'm really a storyteller.
Speaker 2 (41:25):
And you did a fabulous job of that.
Speaker 1 (41:27):
Thank you so much, Charles, and you do fabulous
things for people every day,helping them improve their lives
helping them realize they'revalued and they're worthy.
I mean all these things.
That's all I ever wanted when Iwas so broken was for someone
to see me, because I felt aloneand I felt invisible in my
brokenness and you really helppeople eliminate that.
(41:51):
You help them see and you seethem and then they feel value.
So it's a wonderful gift youhave.
Speaker 2 (41:56):
Well, thank you.
Speaker 1 (41:58):
And any closing words for our listeners.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
If you haven't read the book, you should read the
book.
Speaker 1 (42:05):
I promise you, I did not pay him to say that.
Thank you so much, charles.
Speaker 2 (42:10):
Thank you, Pam.
Thanks for having me.
It's been a pleasure.
Speaker 1 (42:13):
Charles.
Thank you so much, charles.
Thank you, Pam.
Thanks for having me.
It's been a pleasure.
Charles, thank you so much forsharing all your wisdom with us
today.
I know that a lot of peoplewill take away something very
valuable from all of it and forthose of you listening, remember
you don't have to changeeverything overnight.
Just take one step, one action.
That's how we stay motivated,maintain progress and move
(42:35):
toward the life we want.
Let's do this together.
Talk to you next week.
I'm out.
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