Episode 17: The Hidden Stories Behind Difficult People: Finding Compassion in Chaos

Send us a text

The Plus One Theory applies powerful perspective shifts to dealing with difficult people by looking beneath surface behaviors to understand hidden pain points and responding with intentional compassion. This episode explores how challenging behaviors often stem from past wounds, and how giving others a voice can transform relationships.

• The Plus One Theory centers on adding one extra step of intentional kindness or effort
• Difficult behaviors often mask deeper issues like past rejection, trauma, or current struggles
• Personal story of a volatile family friend who cut contact without explanation
• Understanding someone's behavior isn't about you helps release unnecessary guilt
• Children (and adults) often act out when they feel voiceless
• Powerful example of grandson's emotional breakthrough after being asked what was really bothering him
• Four-step approach: pause before labeling, hold compassion without enabling toxicity, focus on your response, ask what's behind their reaction
• We've all been "the difficult one" at times in our lives

Share your Plus One Theory stories for my upcoming book by visiting PamDwyer.com and reaching out through the contact page.

Be a Guest on The Plus One Theory Podcast!

Are you someone who believes in the power of kindness, resilience, and intentional growth? Do you have a story about how small, meaningful steps have made a difference in your life or career?

I’d love to invite you to share your journey on The Plus One Theory Podcast!

This podcast is all about exploring how we can apply the Plus One Theory to create ripples of positivity and purpose in our personal and professional lives. I’m especially excited to feature guests who work in heart-centered careers—nurses, teachers, counselors, nonprofit leaders, caregivers, or anyone who dedicates their energy to helping others.

Your story could inspire listeners who are navigating their own challenges and looking for ways to take that next small step forward. Whether you’ve used kindness to overcome adversity, found strength in vulnerability, or applied intentional action to make an impact in your community, I want to hear from you!

Interested? Here’s How to Reach Out:

• Email me with a brief introduction about yourself and your story.
• Let me know how the Plus One Theory has played a role in your life or career.

Order "From the Piney Woods" 2nd Edition today!

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:08):
Hey, there, it's Pam Dwyer, and welcome back to the
Plus One Theory podcast, wherewe talk about real life, real
growth and those small stepsthat lead to big change.
If this is your first time here, the plus one theory is simple.
It's about doing your best andthen just adding one more small,

(00:31):
intentional step, that littleextra kindness, grace or effort,
it can change everything.
Quick disclaimer I'm not atherapist or doctor thing.
Quick disclaimer I'm not atherapist or doctor.
I'm just someone who's livedthrough a lot, healed through
even more and learned to use mystory to help others grow.

(00:52):
And today's episode is going tobe a little deeper.
We're talking about somethingthat's tough for everyone
dealing with difficult people.
But we're not just going totalk about their behavior.
We're going to talk aboutwhat's behind it and how we can
better respond to it using theplus one mindset.

(01:14):
What's interesting aboutdifficult people is that what
makes them difficult isn't justtheir attitude in the meeting or
the passive, passive-aggressiveemails, or the fact that they
make everything harder than itneeds to be.
What makes them difficult iswhat's happening behind the
scenes the colleague who shootsdown every idea maybe they were

(01:37):
told one too many times thattheir ideas didn't matter.
The boss who micromanages everysingle thing didn't matter the
boss who micromanages everysingle thing.
Maybe they grew up in chaos andcontrol is the only way they
know how to stay safe.
That person who always seemslike they're one second away
from exploding.
Maybe they're taking care of asick parent or drowning in debt,

(02:00):
or dealing with a loss no oneknows about and guess what?
You've got your own behind thescenes too.
That's why, when we stoplabeling people as difficult and
start recognizing them as human, everything starts to shift.
Those of you who might rememberMr Rogers he once said what's

(02:22):
mentionable is manageable, and Ilove that, because a lot of
difficult behavior that'sunprocessed pain trying to speak
.
It doesn't excuse our poorbehavior, but it does give us a
framework to understand whereit's coming from.
We don't always know what'sbeneath the surface of someone's

(02:44):
actions, but if we pause longenough to consider it, we stop
feeding into the chaos and startshifting the energy.
Here's a story I want to sharewith you.
I had a let's call him a familyfriend who was a huge part of
my life growing up.
He gave me the love and supportI needed when I didn't always

(03:06):
have it elsewhere, but as we gotolder, he became more unstable,
especially with all the alcohol.
It was heartbreaking.
I couldn't even bring my kidsaround him anymore.
He was so volatile, loud andunpredictable.
And then one day, out ofnowhere, he stopped talking to

(03:28):
me altogether.
No explanation, no goodbye.
I tried to reach out, I triedto bridge that gap, but he made
it clear he didn't want anythingto do with me.
And it hurt.
It still hurts.
But here's what I've learned Idon't have to carry guilt for

(03:49):
something I didn't cause.
I still love him, I always will, and if he ever needed me, I'd
be there.
But his pain, well, isn't mineto hold.
What happened was never reallyabout me, and letting go of that
allowed me to move forward withpeace.

(04:09):
And look, I'm not perfect either.
None of us are.
We've all been the difficultone.
We've all been the person whosnapped or shut down or, I don't
know, avoided somethingimportant.
So, instead of writing peopleoff, what if we leaned in with
curiosity instead of judgment?

(04:29):
That's the plus one move.
It's choosing to ask instead ofassume, to see the human behind
the behavior.
Here's what I want you to takewith you today.
Pause before you label someone.
Hold compassion withoutenabling toxic behavior.
Focus on your response morethan their behavior and ask

(04:53):
yourself what's the story behindthe reaction.
So pause, hold focus and ask.
When I was in youth ministry, Ilearned one of the most
important lessons of my lifeKids act out when they feel like
they don't have a voice.
From sixth grade to 12th, itwas always the same pattern

(05:14):
Adults told them what to do, howto behave, what to say, but
never asked what they werefeeling.
And when you give a child avoice, especially one who's
struggling, it changeseverything.
My grandson is a perfectexample.
I have twin grandsons, actually, and they're 10.

(05:35):
But one of my grandsons who hasthe most beautiful heart and
wit and is just a pleasure to bearound.
Well, one day he was having atough day.
He was yelling, slamming things, just not himself.
Eventually he ran out to theporch swing and I followed.
He didn't want to talk, but Igently asked what's really going

(06:00):
on here?
Just that question.
And he broke.
He cried and he cried and oncehe quieted down a bit, he
finally told me that he feltlike a failure.
Reading is very hard for himbecause he's dyslexic, which
dyslexia means your brainprocesses letters and sounds

(06:21):
differently, and it takes a lotmore effort just to read a
sentence.
Well, once he told me,everything shifted.
I reassured him, I praised hiskind heart, his effort, his
strength and that moment itbrought him peace.
He felt heard, seen, validated.

(06:44):
Giving someone a voice is one ofthe kindest things you can do.
So the next time you're dealingwith someone difficult, pause,
take a breath, ask what might begoing on behind the scenes.
Remember that their reactionmight be rooted in something
you'll never see, and giveyourself that grace too.

(07:05):
Let's keep it real, keep itkind and always add a little
more.
And hey, if you have a storywhere you've lived out the plus
one theory in your own life, Iwant to hear it.
I'm collecting real stories formy next book.

(07:28):
If you'd like to be included,anonymously or by name, reach
out.
You might just inspire someoneelse on their journey.
How do you reach me, you ask.
Just simply go to PamDwyercom,go to the contact page and just
put in a note.
Hey, pam, I have an amazingstory to share with you.
How can we connect?
And then I'll reply back sayinglet's connect.

(07:50):
I'll give you a call or we canmeet somewhere.
If you're local, we can evenhave a zoom call to find out
what your story is and thenshare it with the world.
Stay tuned and be sure to giveme your email, folks.
I can keep you posted on anynew books that will be published
soon Hint hint and on podcastinformation, and maybe even

(08:16):
you'd like to be a guest on mypodcast.
I would love that so much Again.
Go to PamDwyercom, go to thecontact page and just reach out.
Connect, let's do it.