October 12, 2025 • 12 mins
We explore why fitting in leaves you hollow and how belonging fills you with breath, courage, and connection. A poem reframes success, practical tools build pause power, and a mustard-smooth act of kindness shows how small moments can change a life.
• origin of the Plus One theory and finish-strong mindset
• difference between fitting in and belonging
• conformity science and the cost of approval-chasing
• The View That Found Me poem and its message
• Delay the Binge tools: two-column journal and purposeful pause
• “never start over” as a healing practice
• postponing the Collective to build true community
• the mustard story and the power of kindness
• resources and ways to connect, learn, and share
Share this podcast with a friend who might need it
Share my story through my book From the Piney Woods
Like, subscribe, or follow
Visit ThePlusOneTheoryPodcast.com
Grab my book at FromThePineyWoods.com
For speaking and resources, go to PamDwyerSpeaker.com
Join the wait list at DelayTheBinge.com
Visit Pam Dwyer online and sign up on her email list to receive the latest updates!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:09):
Welcome back to the Plus One Theory Podcast.
I'm your host, Pam Dwyer, and mymission is simple: to remind you
that your past does not defineyou, it prepares you.
The plus one theory was born ina junior high gym class, believe
it or not.
I was running a timed mile atthe lowest point in my young
(00:32):
life.
I was hungry, hurting,malnourished, and exhausted.
By the last lap, everything inme wanted to quit.
But I made a choice.
A plus one effort to finishstronger than I started.
That decision became theframework for my life.
(00:53):
And it's the same principlebehind everything I teach today.
Growth happens in smallintentional steps.
That brings me to today'sconversation.
The difference between fittingin and belonging.
Fitting in is about changingyourself to be accepted.
(01:14):
It's pretending, shrinking, orsilencing your real self so
you'll be liked.
But here's the truth.
Fitting in leaves you empty.
You might gain approval, butit's hollow because it's not
authentic.
Belonging, on the other hand, iswhen you show up as your true
(01:35):
self.
Flaws, gifts, quirks, and all,and you're valued for it.
Belonging allows you to breathe,to grow, to connect, and in
today's world, where so manypeople stay silent out of fear
of rejection, belonging mattersmore than ever.
(01:56):
Researchers have proven howstrong the pull to fit in really
is.
In one classic experiment,people were asked a simple
question.
Which line on a chart waslonger?
The answer was obvious, buthere's the twist.
Most of the group were actorssecretly working with the
(02:16):
researchers.
That's not fair.
But when those actors all gavethe wrong answer, the real
participant often went alongwith them, even though they knew
it wasn't true.
Why?
Well, because we're wired to fitin, that's why.
The fear of standing out, ofbeing rejected can be stronger
(02:38):
than your own eyes.
That's why learning to pause, tonotice what's happening inside
you before you respond is socritical.
This idea of chasing approvalversus finding belonging reminds
me of a poem I wrote.
It's called The View That FoundMe.
And yes, I write poems as wellas PJ Hamilton, but I wanted to
(03:04):
share this one with you becauseit really fits in with today's
episode.
Anyway, it's called The ViewThat Found Me.
I thought the top would hold theprize, a place where love and
peace reside, but all I foundwas thinner air and echoes of
what wasn't there.
(03:24):
I missed the wildflowers on thetrail, the way the light broke
through the veil.
I never saw the grace beneath,each stumble scar and jagged
grief.
I climbed with weight I didn'tname, rejection's voice a quiet
shame.
I chased approval, craved a nod,when all along I carried God.
(03:49):
It wasn't heights that healed mysoul, but letting go of false
control.
It was the pen, the pause, thepage that turned my wounds into
a stage.
Now purpose calls me down theslope to meet the ones who've
lost their hope.
I walk beside them hand in hand,not pointing up, but helping
(04:13):
stand.
So if you're climbing just towin, pause, look around, begin
again.
The view you seek is not ahead.
It's in the steps you've bravelytread.
That poem is a reminder.
The view that heals us isn'twaiting at the top.
(04:34):
It's in the awareness we bringto each and every step we take.
It's in the belonging we createwhen we walk beside each other
instead of chasing approval.
This is exactly why I createdDelay the Binge.
We all have lower brain chatter,the noise of trauma, anxiety, or
(04:55):
exhaustion that pushes us backinto unhealthy habits.
Maybe it's overeating,overdrinking, overworking,
anything to numb the pain.
And here's the kicker.
Even when we hit a health goalor a success milestone, if we
don't address what's underneath,we slide right back into the old
(05:17):
patterns.
That's why I always say neverstart over.
Start from where you are.
Every step you've taken counts.
Every pause is progress.
And that's what delay the bingetools are designed to do.
Things like the two columnjournal where you write down
what you planned versus whatactually happened, and reflect
(05:39):
on why.
Or the purposeful pauseprotocol, which helps you take
back power in the moment theurge hits.
These small intentional toolsshift us from fitting in to
belonging, from pretending topausing, and from cycles of
failure to cycles of strength.
(06:01):
Now, I want to mention somethingimportant.
You may have heard me announcethe October 2nd launch event for
the Delay the Bench Collective.
Well, I've decided to postponeit for now.
I want this collective to feellike a true community, not just
a call with a couple of people.
(06:21):
That means I'm going to take alittle more time to build
momentum.
So when we gather, it feels likethe powerful space it's meant to
be.
But here's where you can help.
If this message resonated withyou, the best way to support me
is simple.
Share it.
Share this podcast with a friendwho might need it.
(06:43):
Share my story through my bookfrom the Piney Woods, where I
talk about how I transformedpain into purpose.
And of course, like, subscribe,or follow.
Because the biggest form ofsupport is spreading the word so
more people know they are notalone.
Remember, fitting in will leaveyou empty.
(07:04):
Belonging will fill you, andkindness, it's the superpower
that bridges the gap between thetwo.
It's just like the story I'vetold before.
You know, growing up hungry, wewould go to a convenience store
and steal like hot dog weenies,hot dog buns, and go in the
(07:25):
store, put it under our shirt,and walk out.
We did that for many, manyweeks.
And we thought we were prettyclever.
But one day, the owner of thestore, Mac, he says, Stop, you
two.
And we turned around thinkingwe're going to jail.
But instead, Mac was holding abottle of mustard.
(07:49):
He just looked at us with asmirk and said, Man, y'all been
taking my hot dogs for weeks.
Do you know Don Tha want somemustard or something to go with
him?
We looked at him and we said,Yes, sir.
Our eyes were so wide.
And he knelt down and looked usstraight in the eye, and he
(08:10):
said, Don't ever steal from me,girls.
But if you're hungry and youneed food, all you have to do is
ask.
That's the first time I everexperienced kindness.
Right?
That type of kindness.
And as we walked out with ourmustard and our hot dog weenies
and buns, I I was trying tofigure out why he did what he
(08:36):
did.
There was no logical reason forit.
And I didn't really I'm not f Iwasn't familiar with it.
All I knew is how it made mefeel, right?
It made me feel important, likeI mattered.
Actually, it's the first time Iever felt seen by someone.
(09:00):
And I loved how that felt.
And I wanted to be just likeMac.
Just like him.
And do that for other people.
So Mac had an impact on my lifethat has lasted to this day.
And what did it take him?
Five seconds, maybe?
Five seconds, y'all, is all ittakes to make an incredible
(09:24):
difference, a big impact insomeone else's life.
Plus, it makes you feel greatwhen you do selfless things.
Show someone kindness thatdoesn't necessarily deserve it.
But they really do.
And so you show them kindness.
It could impact them, it couldchange the whole the course of
(09:45):
their lives.
So remember, fitting in willleave you empty.
Belonging will fill you.
And kindness it's a superpowerthat bridges the gap between the
two.
At the beginning of today'sepisode, I shared that I've
postponed the October 2nd launchof the Delay the Binge
(10:07):
Collective, and I want to circleback to that as we close.
The reason is simple.
I don't just want to host anevent.
I want to build a truecollective, a community where
people can belong, learn, andgrow together.
That takes more voices, moreenergy, and more time to
(10:27):
prepare.
So instead of rushing it, I'mchoosing to pause because
sometimes the pause is the mostpowerful move we can make.
In the meantime, there areplenty of ways to stay connected
and support this mission.
For ongoing inspiration, visitthe plus one theory podcast dot
(10:48):
com.
For my personal story oftransformation, you can grab my
book at FromThePinewoods.com.
And for speaking, events, andresources, go to
PamDwyerspeaker.com.
And if you want to learn moreabout the collective when it's
ready, you can join the waitlist at delaythebinge.com.
(11:10):
I know I'm working in a lot oflanes right now, but that's
because I want you to haveoptions.
You get to choose where youconnect with me.
Whether it's this podcast, mywriting, an event, or the
collective when it launches,your support matters.
And the best support of all,share this message.
(11:33):
Send this episode to someone whoneeds to be reminded they don't
have to fit in.
They can belong.
Because fitting in will drainyou, belonging will fill you,
and kindness is still thegreatest superpower in the
world.
This has been the Plus OneTheory Podcast.
(11:54):
I'm Pam Dwyer, reminding youyour past doesn't define you, it
prepares you.
And you can always finishstronger than you started.
See you next week.
Welcome back to the Plus One Theory Podcast.
I'm your host, Pam Dwyer, and mymission is simple: to remind you
that your past does not defineyou, it prepares you.
The plus one theory was born ina junior high gym class, believe
it or not.
I was running a timed mile atthe lowest point in my young
(00:32):
life.
I was hungry, hurting,malnourished, and exhausted.
By the last lap, everything inme wanted to quit.
But I made a choice.
A plus one effort to finishstronger than I started.
That decision became theframework for my life.
(00:53):
And it's the same principlebehind everything I teach today.
Growth happens in smallintentional steps.
That brings me to today'sconversation.
The difference between fittingin and belonging.
Fitting in is about changingyourself to be accepted.
(01:14):
It's pretending, shrinking, orsilencing your real self so
you'll be liked.
But here's the truth.
Fitting in leaves you empty.
You might gain approval, butit's hollow because it's not
authentic.
Belonging, on the other hand, iswhen you show up as your true
(01:35):
self.
Flaws, gifts, quirks, and all,and you're valued for it.
Belonging allows you to breathe,to grow, to connect, and in
today's world, where so manypeople stay silent out of fear
of rejection, belonging mattersmore than ever.
(01:56):
Researchers have proven howstrong the pull to fit in really
is.
In one classic experiment,people were asked a simple
question.
Which line on a chart waslonger?
The answer was obvious, buthere's the twist.
Most of the group were actorssecretly working with the
(02:16):
researchers.
That's not fair.
But when those actors all gavethe wrong answer, the real
participant often went alongwith them, even though they knew
it wasn't true.
Why?
Well, because we're wired to fitin, that's why.
The fear of standing out, ofbeing rejected can be stronger
(02:38):
than your own eyes.
That's why learning to pause, tonotice what's happening inside
you before you respond is socritical.
This idea of chasing approvalversus finding belonging reminds
me of a poem I wrote.
It's called The View That FoundMe.
And yes, I write poems as wellas PJ Hamilton, but I wanted to
(03:04):
share this one with you becauseit really fits in with today's
episode.
Anyway, it's called The ViewThat Found Me.
I thought the top would hold theprize, a place where love and
peace reside, but all I foundwas thinner air and echoes of
what wasn't there.
(03:24):
I missed the wildflowers on thetrail, the way the light broke
through the veil.
I never saw the grace beneath,each stumble scar and jagged
grief.
I climbed with weight I didn'tname, rejection's voice a quiet
shame.
I chased approval, craved a nod,when all along I carried God.
(03:49):
It wasn't heights that healed mysoul, but letting go of false
control.
It was the pen, the pause, thepage that turned my wounds into
a stage.
Now purpose calls me down theslope to meet the ones who've
lost their hope.
I walk beside them hand in hand,not pointing up, but helping
(04:13):
stand.
So if you're climbing just towin, pause, look around, begin
again.
The view you seek is not ahead.
It's in the steps you've bravelytread.
That poem is a reminder.
The view that heals us isn'twaiting at the top.
(04:34):
It's in the awareness we bringto each and every step we take.
It's in the belonging we createwhen we walk beside each other
instead of chasing approval.
This is exactly why I createdDelay the Binge.
We all have lower brain chatter,the noise of trauma, anxiety, or
(04:55):
exhaustion that pushes us backinto unhealthy habits.
Maybe it's overeating,overdrinking, overworking,
anything to numb the pain.
And here's the kicker.
Even when we hit a health goalor a success milestone, if we
don't address what's underneath,we slide right back into the old
(05:17):
patterns.
That's why I always say neverstart over.
Start from where you are.
Every step you've taken counts.
Every pause is progress.
And that's what delay the bingetools are designed to do.
Things like the two columnjournal where you write down
what you planned versus whatactually happened, and reflect
(05:39):
on why.
Or the purposeful pauseprotocol, which helps you take
back power in the moment theurge hits.
These small intentional toolsshift us from fitting in to
belonging, from pretending topausing, and from cycles of
failure to cycles of strength.
(06:01):
Now, I want to mention somethingimportant.
You may have heard me announcethe October 2nd launch event for
the Delay the Bench Collective.
Well, I've decided to postponeit for now.
I want this collective to feellike a true community, not just
a call with a couple of people.
(06:21):
That means I'm going to take alittle more time to build
momentum.
So when we gather, it feels likethe powerful space it's meant to
be.
But here's where you can help.
If this message resonated withyou, the best way to support me
is simple.
Share it.
Share this podcast with a friendwho might need it.
(06:43):
Share my story through my bookfrom the Piney Woods, where I
talk about how I transformedpain into purpose.
And of course, like, subscribe,or follow.
Because the biggest form ofsupport is spreading the word so
more people know they are notalone.
Remember, fitting in will leaveyou empty.
(07:04):
Belonging will fill you, andkindness, it's the superpower
that bridges the gap between thetwo.
It's just like the story I'vetold before.
You know, growing up hungry, wewould go to a convenience store
and steal like hot dog weenies,hot dog buns, and go in the
(07:25):
store, put it under our shirt,and walk out.
We did that for many, manyweeks.
And we thought we were prettyclever.
But one day, the owner of thestore, Mac, he says, Stop, you
two.
And we turned around thinkingwe're going to jail.
But instead, Mac was holding abottle of mustard.
(07:49):
He just looked at us with asmirk and said, Man, y'all been
taking my hot dogs for weeks.
Do you know Don Tha want somemustard or something to go with
him?
We looked at him and we said,Yes, sir.
Our eyes were so wide.
And he knelt down and looked usstraight in the eye, and he
(08:10):
said, Don't ever steal from me,girls.
But if you're hungry and youneed food, all you have to do is
ask.
That's the first time I everexperienced kindness.
Right?
That type of kindness.
And as we walked out with ourmustard and our hot dog weenies
and buns, I I was trying tofigure out why he did what he
(08:36):
did.
There was no logical reason forit.
And I didn't really I'm not f Iwasn't familiar with it.
All I knew is how it made mefeel, right?
It made me feel important, likeI mattered.
Actually, it's the first time Iever felt seen by someone.
(09:00):
And I loved how that felt.
And I wanted to be just likeMac.
Just like him.
And do that for other people.
So Mac had an impact on my lifethat has lasted to this day.
And what did it take him?
Five seconds, maybe?
Five seconds, y'all, is all ittakes to make an incredible
(09:24):
difference, a big impact insomeone else's life.
Plus, it makes you feel greatwhen you do selfless things.
Show someone kindness thatdoesn't necessarily deserve it.
But they really do.
And so you show them kindness.
It could impact them, it couldchange the whole the course of
(09:45):
their lives.
So remember, fitting in willleave you empty.
Belonging will fill you.
And kindness it's a superpowerthat bridges the gap between the
two.
At the beginning of today'sepisode, I shared that I've
postponed the October 2nd launchof the Delay the Binge
(10:07):
Collective, and I want to circleback to that as we close.
The reason is simple.
I don't just want to host anevent.
I want to build a truecollective, a community where
people can belong, learn, andgrow together.
That takes more voices, moreenergy, and more time to
(10:27):
prepare.
So instead of rushing it, I'mchoosing to pause because
sometimes the pause is the mostpowerful move we can make.
In the meantime, there areplenty of ways to stay connected
and support this mission.
For ongoing inspiration, visitthe plus one theory podcast dot
(10:48):
com.
For my personal story oftransformation, you can grab my
book at FromThePinewoods.com.
And for speaking, events, andresources, go to
PamDwyerspeaker.com.
And if you want to learn moreabout the collective when it's
ready, you can join the waitlist at delaythebinge.com.
(11:10):
I know I'm working in a lot oflanes right now, but that's
because I want you to haveoptions.
You get to choose where youconnect with me.
Whether it's this podcast, mywriting, an event, or the
collective when it launches,your support matters.
And the best support of all,share this message.
(11:33):
Send this episode to someone whoneeds to be reminded they don't
have to fit in.
They can belong.
Because fitting in will drainyou, belonging will fill you,
and kindness is still thegreatest superpower in the
world.
This has been the Plus OneTheory Podcast.
(11:54):
I'm Pam Dwyer, reminding youyour past doesn't define you, it
prepares you.
And you can always finishstronger than you started.
See you next week.
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