61: Nurturing Champions: The Mental Game of Youth Sports

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Discover the untold stories of resilience and strength as we venture into the world of youth sports with Dr. Samantha Schindelheim. Our latest episode sheds light on the mental battles young athletes face, far beyond the physical demands of their sports. From the silent pressure of early specialization to the loud chorus of social media's ever-watchful eye, we dissect the psychological challenges and triumphs of our aspiring champions. Join us for a heartfelt exploration of what it takes to nurture the next generation's mental well-being through the highs and lows of competition.

With the same intensity that our young stars bring to the field, this conversation tackles the pervasive stress and anxiety that can overshadow their achievements. We lay bare the often-overlooked need for routines and resilience, sharing the transformative impact of techniques like deep breathing and mindfulness. Listen as we reveal how the right words at the right moment—be it a self-coaching statement or a parent's reassurance—can turn the tide of a game or a mood. It's a masterclass in fostering emotional awareness for athletes and their support systems, reinforcing that the greatest victories are often won off the court.

In an era where every setback and success is amplified, we emphasize the power of mentorship and the irreplaceable role of parents in guiding their children through the rigors of sports. The episode culminates with uplifting stories of hope, courage, and the indomitable spirit of young athletes who, with the right support, learn to channel their inner champions. Whether navigating transitions, managing emotions, or simply striving for their personal best, our discussion is a testament to the importance of building self-confidence and finding joy in every leap, sprint, and goal scored.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:07):
We'll be right back.

(01:09):
Good evening everybody.
Welcome to the Podolsky Methodpodcast.
Thank you for joining us thisevening.
I'm your creator and host,coach Ilya.
I'm a level five user hockeymaster coach, an owner and
operator of a skate sharpeningshop called Sharp Skate New York
and a certified publicaccountant by trade.

(01:30):
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(02:39):
get to try out a new sport, soit's an excellent place to start
.
Tonight we have a very specialshow for you guys.
It is a topic that we'veexplored numerous times, but we
have a specialist here with us,so I'm going to introduce Dr
Samantha Schindelheim.
Did I say that right?

Speaker 2 (03:00):
You did Nice work.

Speaker 1 (03:02):
Awesome, and Dr Samantha is a licensed clinical
social worker.
She specializes in dialecticaland cognitive behavior therapy,
parent and child interactiontherapy, parent management
training and so much more.
Dr Samantha, thank you so muchfor joining me today.

Speaker 2 (03:18):
Thank you, I'm so happy to be here.

Speaker 1 (03:21):
Awesome.
Maybe you could start the showwith you just telling the
listeners a little bit aboutyourself, where you are, what
you do and basically how youended up doing social work.

Speaker 2 (03:34):
Yeah, yeah, that's a great question.
So I'm part of a small groupprivate practice that's based
both in I'm based in Manhattan,but my other counterparts are in
New Jersey and WestchesterCounty.
So we're a small group oflicensed clinical social workers
and psychologists and what I dois I work with young kids four

(03:57):
and up actually four years oldand up all the way adolescence
and all the way to middleadulthood.
But I really my passion is withchildren and working with
parents and supporting parents.
So that's what I think bringsme here today.
And I got into clinical socialwork because I just love the
lens of social justice andmeeting people just where

(04:18):
they're at, figuring out some oftheir needs and strengths and
goals and being able to supportthem to be the best versions of
themselves.
So I just think social work issuch an awesome field in
psychology in general and I lovewhat I do.
I offer private in-homeservices as well as I work with

(04:39):
children, children, adults invirtually online now with the
pandemic how the pandemic haschanged that.
So that's, but I love in-personwork, so, yeah, and you know
right off the bat.

Speaker 1 (04:55):
you brought up a great point you know about, you
know difference betweenin-person and virtual.
Have you seen?
Is that a barrier nowadays,with you working with families
and kids, versus being in-person?
What do you think?

Speaker 2 (05:12):
Oh yeah, oh yeah, I see with the younger kids like
it's so hard to do virtual, itjust doesn't work.
But with parents it's fantastic.
The access and being able tomeet them like online during a
lunch period, like their breakfrom work, things like that is
really helpful.
But definitely with the youngerkids like I've had nine year

(05:33):
olds that just like go offcamera, don't want to be on, and
like that's totallyunderstandable.
Like being on the computer islike too much, it's
overstimulating for them andhard to connect.
So, um, that's why I do offerum the in homework, because I
think it's helpful to just meetpeople where they're at and the
most comfortable is with theirhome and you get to observe and
really see what's going on intheir lives, um, at a level that

(05:56):
can really meet them.

Speaker 1 (05:57):
So yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I find that, you know,
interesting because during covidum, you know, as a coach, we
had um instances where we wereopened the rings and we
started practicing, but parentsweren't allowed inside and a lot
of coaches say that that wasprobably the best practices
they've ever had, because thekids focus, you know, because

(06:18):
they always look to their mom ordad for approval whenever they
do something or disapprovalright.

Speaker 2 (06:24):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (06:25):
And so it was just so much focus.
When there's nobody in thebuilding, it's just empty, yeah.

Speaker 2 (06:35):
The performance anxiety or the parents telling
them what to do is not there, soI can imagine that for sure,
right.

Speaker 1 (06:38):
And so, before we jump into the performance,
anxiety piece.
I know that athletes today, youknow they undergo a tremendous
amount of stress, bothphysically and mentally,
starting at very young ages.
So if we used to start sportsat 10, 12 years old, now we
started at three or four and wealmost specialize by the age of

(07:00):
seven.
Can you talk a little bit aboutthe stress in athletes and, you
know, including those uniquepressures that they face?

Speaker 2 (07:09):
Yeah, yeah, I think it's a great point that saying
just like the competition isstarting, so much younger and
that pressure is there, and thenon top of that with social
media and seeing the comparisonsand it's in their face all the
time.
So just want to point that out.
But I think you know what we'reseeing in terms of the stress
and pressure in particular, Ithink, with young athletes, is

(07:30):
just that idea of how stressaffects them physically, whether
it's muscle tension that itmakes it really hard to engage
and relax and do the physicalwork on top of just the mental
stress of not feeling goodenough, affecting self-esteem
even to a level of depressionand anxiety that I notice and I

(07:52):
think that that's a lot of.
It can be internal, that's there, but it's also, like I'm saying
, like the external pressure ofstress that teachers are putting
on them.
It's just like everywhere forkids, unfortunately, it's
teachers, it's parents, it'sfriends and peer pressure.
So I think that level of stressreally affects and we know
affects them holistically.

(08:13):
It affects, you know, kidsphysically, as I mentioned, with
the muscle tension, but alsowith the level of stress of
affecting their like breathingreally fast and it affects their
heart.
It helps.
That affects how they're gonnadeal with illnesses and and get
better in that way.
And then again the mentalpressure and the impact on

(08:34):
anxiety and just feeling notgood enough.

Speaker 1 (08:36):
That can affect them and in their performance in
particular too yeah, you knowyou bring up some really
valuable points and that'salways a concern of mine.
It's how far do you push as acoach, for example?
How far do you push Becausewe're praised for how hard we
make the kids work?
And the harder they work, thebetter coach you are.

Speaker 2 (09:00):
Well, the stress is on you too.

Speaker 1 (09:02):
Right, Right.
So so it's almost like your.
Your performance is evaluatedbased on how hard you're pushing
the kids, and sometimes, youknow, taking a moment to explain
something more in more detailor giving them a breather while
you're doing it.
Sometimes can can a detrimentin some of the eyes of the

(09:28):
observers, and so I think thatthe stress doesn't only apply to
the kids, but to the parentstoo.
So when you work with families,what do you usually suggest for
them to kind of handle thatstress, or what can they do to
sustain that pressure?

Speaker 2 (09:47):
Yeah Well, I always say that it's really important
to have the tools, the mentalhealth tools, right, the
strategies to handle stress.
So, you know, being able tohave and I say this to all my
family it's like a really strongtoolbox, both for the parents
and for the child.
It's just can be life-saving.

(10:07):
I think and we know kids can beresilient, we know kids can
handle the stress and thechallenges of life, and I think
that there's this point where itjust gets to be too much and if
they don't have the tools to beable to get through it, no
one's going to be able to reallysupport them.
So some of the tools you know,the tools I'm coaching parents
around that are then they're incharge of coaching their child

(10:29):
around, using these stressmanagement tools is deep
breathing techniques,mindfulness strategies, and I'm
throwing out terms.
We can go into more detail butjust to get an idea, you know,
being able to have thesedistraction techniques that when
they're really feeling thathigh stress, like get their mind
off the sport, let's go dosomething else, let's go for a
walk, let's do a visual activity, let's.

(10:51):
You know, guided meditation isreally awesome.
Put yourself on a beach and letme see the like.
Tell me about the waves thatare coming up on the shore.
All of that kind of work can bereally helpful.
And I think a big piece that ishelpful for parents in
particular is that idea ofregulating themselves then helps
the child regulate.
So we call it co-regulation.

(11:11):
And if the parent isn'tregulated and being able to
manage you know the pressure andthe stress of helping their
child then the child will not beable to thrive.
So really being able to givethe tools to both of them is
important.

Speaker 1 (11:26):
Right, and you know, do you have any specific
techniques or tools that youprefer that you would suggest
like, especially when dealingwith athletes?
Right, and I think, especiallyin those high stress situations
I see that's when it gets, Iguess, the most escalated.
Oh yeah, that's the right term.
Right Is when it's a tight game, where you're watching your kid

(11:50):
perform and even you could bewinning a game and you don't
think your kid is performing toyour standard, and so what would
you do?
You have any tools or thingsthat parents can utilize in
those situations?

Speaker 2 (12:03):
Yeah, well, one of the things is just recognizing
that you're stressed.
I always say that that's likethe first step is just be aware,
be mindful of what's going on.
So I usually throw out like ascale let's do zero to a hundred
, hundreds, like the moststressed, most anxious, most
escalated you've ever been tozero, you're chilling, you're on
that beach, you're fine, um,and let's figure out where you

(12:25):
are, just to help yourself, kindof pinpoint that.
And then, after some of thestrategies that I love, like I
mentioned, is guided meditation,like put yourself outside of
the game right now, put yourselfaway from your child right now
and go to your happy place.
And we also call them in ourworld kind of grounding
techniques, a way to kind of getyourself back to your baseline.

(12:47):
So if you're like really highup there in those 90s, we want
to get you back down to likeeven the 50s, to just be able to
help yourself breathe again.
So that's helpful.
And also the idea of likepinpointing you know, tell me
three things that you'renoticing right now and you know
you're noticing the ice, you'renoticing the hockey stick that

(13:09):
your child's grabbing, like juststart naming things and that
can help distract them and kindof regulate back to baseline.
So I think that's reallyhelpful.
And then the last thing that Ifind really great is just having
some self-coaching statementslike my kid's going to be OK,
they can get through this, I canget through this.

(13:29):
They did really awesome lastweek.
I'm excited that I know theycan do it.
Let me remember that moment tohelp them get through that
stressful moment in particular.

Speaker 1 (13:40):
Right and and so, in that sense, when the parent
levels themselves or coachthemselves, they can then begin
to assist the child in levelingthemselves off.

Speaker 2 (13:53):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (13:54):
It's almost like that thing in a plane.
Right, Put your mask on beforeyou put it on your kid.

Speaker 2 (13:59):
Yeah, absolutely.
You've got to take care ofyourself.
You're not going to be a goodparent if you can't take care of
yourself.
I always say that, or you'renot going to be the best version
of who you can be for your kidwithout taking care of yourself.
You come first actually inself-care, and the other idea is
modeling right, being able tomodel these regulation
techniques so then your childcan pick up on and be like okay,

(14:20):
my mom's calm.

Speaker 1 (14:26):
I'm going to be calm, right, right, that's so
important, I think, how much thekids feed off the parents and
the coaches.

Speaker 2 (14:30):
Yeah, yeah, I mean, I see it all the time where, like
, a parent is high stress andthe kid's just rolling their
eyes like, oh my God, like, andit creates embarrassment, shame,
you know, I don't want to bearound that parent and being
able to see that, okay, myparent can handle this.

Speaker 1 (14:51):
This is hard, but we got this is so helpful, yeah,
yeah.
So let's talk a little bitabout the performance anxiety,
yeah Right, and then being inthat, you know in that situation
where you know when you're in agame or you're getting ready
for a game and you start gettingthose butterflies, you get
nervous, you're gettingperformance anxiety.

(15:12):
And how have you seen itmanifest itself in athletes, and
are the signs different basedon age or male versus female?

Speaker 2 (15:25):
Yeah, I mean, I would say for any age.
We see it where, when there'sperformance anxiety, you kind of
want to run.
Anxiety creates fear, and it'sjust like I don't want to do
this, and we run away from theproblem, right that's at hand,
or the anxious situation.
And I think, though, the olderyou get, the more mature and

(15:47):
more able you're able to handleperformance anxiety.
So I think it's staying thereand being able to confront it,
but the butterflies might bebigger.
That feeling of nauseousness oryou know whatever's going on,
racing thoughts get bigger andbigger because it's harder to
run away from it.
And I think the beautiful thingabout performance anxiety is

(16:08):
that the more we're exposed toit, actually, the better we can
handle it, and that goes for anytype of anxiety.
So that can be helpful.
But some of the things that Isee a lot of is just the
physical sensations that weencounter when we have
performance anxiety the sweatypalms, the sweating forehead,

(16:29):
the heart beating extremely fast, the desire to want to run away
, of course, like I'm mentioning, and on top of that is just
these like racing anxiousthoughts that just makes it so
much harder to confront theanxiety and be there.

Speaker 1 (16:46):
Yeah, you know it's interesting because I don't
think I had anxiety until I wasolder.
Personally, I actually didpersonally do some of those
techniques that you spoke aboutand my wife kind of got me to,
like you know, look at thingsand kind of call out the colors
and things that you're seeingthat calms you down right?
So you just mentioned that.

(17:07):
Yeah, and I didn't know anythingabout it until you know, like I
felt, you know, dizzy anduncomfortable and just weird out
of nowhere, and, you know, notsick or anything but weird yeah,
but weird.
And so I feel I've been anathlete my whole life almost my

(17:27):
whole life, I should say andwhether it was martial arts or
hockey or any other sport, Iwould always get very nervous.
Before I would compete, I lovedpractice.
I was never nervous in practice, but when it came to
competition, my nerves wouldskyrocket, and so I would

(17:49):
implement a pregame orpre-competition routine that I
would go through.
They would calm me down.
So can you talk a little bitabout that and how they can help
athletes in their performance?

Speaker 2 (18:02):
Yeah for sure.
Needs in their performance?
Yeah for sure.
I think you know routine can bereally helpful and really
calming.
To have something that you'regoing through every time that
you know can help you right.
And that's the whole idea withthese skills is that you want to
find something that's effective.
So if your routine calms youand is effective, then you want
to go through it and having yourroutine of whether it's having

(18:24):
that pep talk with your coach,pep talk with your parent and
that support Some people havelike superstitions where they're
wearing a certain underwear,certain you know wearing certain
clothes that helps them, theyknow is going to be good to have
.
You know, having a certain mealthat they know like won't upset
their stomach when they'rehaving those jitters, and that
routine can be really helpful.

(18:45):
Um, and then I think it's aboutusing those techniques and
having that routine of all.
Right, I'm gonna go throughsome breathing techniques right
now.
Every time when I'm, you know,getting ready for that game to
start, um, I'm gonna sing thissong in my head.
I was, I was a swimmer in highschool and I from finding nemo,
I had this the just keepswimming, just keep swimming.

Speaker 1 (19:05):
That going through my head.

Speaker 2 (19:06):
So that was my routine of just like putting it
when I'm getting up to the, tothe diving board.
So some of those techniques canbe really helpful in having
that routine for sure, goingthrough the same thing each week
and, I think, also noticing ifyou need that higher self-esteem
in those moments to tap intothat, whether it's reaching out

(19:27):
to a friend or reaching out toyour teammate to say, hey, I'm
nervous now, get me in that mode, let me help me get through
this right now.
But I didn't mention beforethat I think is also helpful is
reaching out for that socialsupport.

Speaker 1 (19:42):
Yeah, I love that, but can anxiety rub off?
You know, when you're on thebench and everybody's kind of
losing their mind you know, whenit rubs off, how do you handle
it?

Speaker 2 (19:56):
Yeah, yeah.
Well, I think what can behelpful is coaches being attuned
to that too and being aware oflike, hey, how's my team doing?
What's going on?
Let me check in with everyoneand see where we're at.
And then you know one-on-onewith your teammates and seeing
that you know this person'smaking me anxious and being
attuned to that and saying youknow what, maybe it's not a good
idea to be around this.

(20:18):
Maybe I need some space tomyself, or having you know, let
me go get that pepped off for myparent instead right now.
Um, because definitely I thinkthe question is oh, he's anxious
, okay, should I be anxious now?
Do it like what's going on?
Or wow, this game is reallycompetitive.
This we're not doing so hotright now.

Speaker 1 (20:35):
I need some support and um, it's not good to look at
the other people who are alsolike freaking out and bugging
out right now yeah, I feel like,as a coach, uh, you know, I
definitely been uh in instanceswhere I was anxious, you know,
and I had to kind of not show ityeah, because I didn't make it
till you make it right.
Right, we had a very interestingexperience last spring where we

(20:58):
were um in the championshipgame, in the tournament and we
were down, uh, 5-1.
And you know this is in thefirst period, uh.
And so you know, I took a timeout, kind of come to everybody
down and just said you knowyou're gonna go one goal at a
time, yeah, one play at a time,they just keep playing.
Yeah, you know, the goal waskind of flipping out and I was

(21:20):
like you know, just get in thereand stop every puck you can and
every puck you see, just onepuck at a time.
And then we ended up comingback tying the game and winning
in overtime.
Oh, amazing it was a spectacularmoment for everybody involved,
I think, especially for the kids, and there were parents who
were leaving the arena.

(21:41):
Wow, there were parents thatwere walking out and when they
walked back in and saw that thescore was 5-4 or 5-5 and you're
going into overtime.
And then, ultimately, we wonthe shootout, which was
nerve-wracking itself.
But the comeback, you know, Ithink it taught a lot of people

(22:04):
a valuable lesson about givingup too early.
Yeah, you know, and even for me, you know, we had, you know,
with the coaching staff andkeeping ourselves in tune and
believing that, hey, we got theright group here and we can win,
was, you know, just a gamechanger.
That was a really greatexperience.

(22:29):
Yeah, so when I think aboutthose moments you know,
translate into life, I feel likewe don't do that very well.
We kind of tend to do theopposite in real life, right,
when somebody gets a bad grade,we get upset, we yell.
We don't think in terms of, hey, you know, let's chip away at

(22:50):
it, let's try to get back to,you know, the green if you're in
the red, you know, and let'stry to get back on track.
So what do you usually, youknow, talk to parents about?
How can you help them get backto the green?
You know, get them back to that, you know.
I believe things are going tobe good or better.

Speaker 2 (23:11):
Yeah, yeah, congratulations, because that's
an amazing feat to come from allthe way, all the way one to get
past and win it.
It's great and you're right.
I think you show with parentsthat, like you know, giving up
is just it's not worth it,because look where we can go
right.
And so when I'm working withparents, especially when they're

(23:33):
really struggling with theirchild, either they're having low
self-esteem or they'restruggling with just getting
their kid back into being youknow the kid that they're used
to and they're like I keepmentioning this baseline of like
just a happy, well-adjusted,able to handle the different
challenges with their sportchild.
It's really hard to feel likethat it's not on you as the

(23:58):
parent that you're not causingit, and I think that's a big
conversation I have with a lotof parents is like it's not on
you as the parent that you'renot causing it, and I think
that's a big conversation I havewith a lot of parents is like
it's not all you here.
You are so much more of theirsupport system and able to get
them back to where they are andat the same time, there's so
many other stressors in theirlives that are impacting them.
And it's not like you're causingit or you're the reason that
they're struggling.

(24:18):
So I think a lot of the workwith parents, getting them back
into green is just believing inthemselves as a parent, that you
are their biggest ally andtheir biggest coach.
And then, at the same time, it'slike you have to face these
stressors, too, of we can't runaway.
And I think when you weredescribing the parents leaving
the stadium, I was like, oh no,what is this showing these kids?

(24:40):
Right?
And that's just like, incertain ways, I'm like, okay, if
that's the parent that's reallyangry and frustrated, that like
that and was going to lash outat the arena if the kid's not
doing well or the team's notdoing well, like okay, he needs
to or she needs to leave theroom, but if you're the parent
that like really believes inyour kid and wants to show them
that, then you got to stay therefor for all these moments, um,

(25:01):
and that that's really importantgetting, yeah, yeah, yeah, and
to your point, I think it's,it's almost like a skill of, uh,
you know, and what I like tosay in the first day when I'm
coaching, the first day we starttraining I, you have to learn
to lose in order to learn to win.
Oh yeah, it's, great.

Speaker 1 (25:23):
Yeah, you can't do it in reverse.
You've got to know how to lose,you've got to be there, play
through the moment and you knowthere are times where you make
it to the finals and lose by agoal.
And you get in the locker roomand everybody's crying and it's
like no, don't cry.
You crying and parents like no,don't cry, it's all, you know,
it's fine.
Like don't cry, don't cry, likedon't be upset, and I was like

(25:44):
no, it's good to be upset.
Yes, it's good to be upset,it's fine, it should be upset.
We lost, we didn't want to loseyeah, exactly, it's good to go
through those emotions andthrough that state of mind and
be like, okay, you know, let'stake it in, like that's not a
good feeling, we don't like it.
You want to okay, you know,let's take it in Like that's not
a good feeling, we don't likeit.
We want to try to, you know, dosomething different.
We want to work harder.
We're going to get back hereand win next time, but it's okay

(26:08):
to work through thedisappointment.

Speaker 2 (26:11):
Yes, I love that.
Life's about all the emotions.
So you know, if you can't feelit, you can't ride that roller
coaster, then it's going to bereally tough to be able to get
through these moments.

Speaker 1 (26:21):
And I love that you mentioned earlier about.
You know that the more you faceanxiety, the better you get at
it.
It's almost the same idea,right?
Because it's almost likepractice.
Yeah, totally, you lose if yougo through those moments and you
do it in sports, where there'syou don't really lose anything,
right?

(26:41):
So if you lost the game, okay,what happened?
Nothing happened.
You're going to go play anotherone in two days or even
tomorrow, right, you're rightback at it the next day.
But working through that, whenyou get to your real life and
adulthood, I feel like thattraining starts paying off.
And if you know, your bosscomes in and says no, you messed

(27:02):
up here.
You're not going to go underthe table and curl up.
You're going to be like, okay,well, let's fix it.

Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, yeah, and that's why I think, with some of
these kids in sports who arehighly sensitive, where the
array of feelings that resultfrom a sport Like you're not
always going to be that winner,right, you're not going to be
able to always be able to getshots in every game and make all

(27:30):
those goals, and so being ableto understand that at such an
early age it can be really hard.
At the same time, it's such agreat way to build resilience
and to be able to to be able tomove forward, um, and be a
better player in general,because you're you're okay with
that.

Speaker 1 (27:47):
You right, yeah, yeah , and even taking criticism from
our parents.
Right, because that's a toughjob for any child, even as
adults.
I know we struggle as adultsdealing with our parents who are
now older, but still olderadults.
They have set in their ways andsometimes those ways are not

(28:11):
very conducive to ourenvironment or the way we choose
to live our lives.
They become clashes where wehave a hard time interacting
yeah you know, I I feel so Iwanted to.
Uh, actually, before we jumpinto my next question, there's a
little question that comes inhere.

(28:32):
What if the child is initiallya nervous type and it took me a
long time to get him to a calmerstate?

Speaker 2 (28:41):
That's a great question.
I think that you know, in lifein general, nervousness, anxiety
, is going to be there and thereare some kids that are more
nervous like this question ishinting to than others.
And being able to take as muchtime as you can to get that kid,

(29:05):
to get that kid being able tounderstand that they can calm
down and they can use theirskills and not rushing.
It is so important and it soundslike just from this question
that you know this is a kid whotends to be more nervous and
having that increased anxiety orthat increased nervousness,
that stress, is actually reallyhelpful for them because it's
telling them to you know, thisisn't safe, right, this,

(29:26):
whatever is going on isn't safeor whatever I'm doing is not
going to be good, and that'shelpful information and that
keeps them in a reallyunderstandable, smart position.
But the more they learn skillsand the more they're able to
start calming down, they'regoing to be able to do it much
faster and that's reallyimportant is being able to just
get, like you're saying, thepractice going and being able to

(29:48):
teach them.
You know this is what we'regoing to do to help you calm
down and get in the zone to beable to do really well in this
game, and that can be reallyhelpful.
So I think taking as much timeas you can to work with your kid
on calming them down is reallyimportant.

Speaker 1 (30:20):
Yep, thank you, that was a good question.
And so you know, kind of comingback a little bit to what we
know, grew up in a harsherenvironment, I want to say, and
went through some difficulttimes, and so they almost
sometimes it's hard for them tomake the step to be there for

(30:41):
their kids, yeah, uh, meaninglike to show up simply to show
up to a game or show up to theiruh kids events and just to be
there for them, um, not becauseyou want to be there or because
not because you know that'ssomething that they need.
So, meeting your kids wherethey they are, as opposed to, um

(31:05):
, having them create arelationship with you and
maintain and so I want to talk alittle bit about that what
you're seeing with older uhgenerations, um, you know, and
how that translates into theyounger groups.

Speaker 2 (31:21):
Now, yeah, yeah, what .
I see a lot of this idea oftough love and we throw that
term out you know that they canjust handle it.
Like there's who cares aboutthese skills of co-regulation,
right, like just you got to doit, get out there.
And that creates more anxietyand there's different stressors

(31:41):
in our society now that are justadding to the fuel to the fire.
Like I had mentioned, socialmedia and competition and the
power of you know, just knowingwhat this kid's better than me,
and comparison and all that kindof stuff.
That that's a big thing wherethe generational gap didn't help
in many ways in being able togive people the tools to

(32:05):
emotionally regulate, to handlestress, and so I think it's a
problem and it's a need toconnect more with parents and I
think there's a shift going onright now of teaching parents
skills and strategies to reallybe able to help themselves and
help their kid.
But the desire has to be thereto want it right and being able

(32:26):
to fix that gap of like so manypeople saying you know what they
can handle it, they're on theirown right now, like I did my
work or I'm done with this, orthat my parents didn't do this
for me.
So why do I need to show up toall these games?
Right?
And so I think that a bigconnection is to well, okay,
what, what, what do you want?
If you take away, you know, theexpectations of society or the

(32:49):
expectations that your parentsput on you, you know inside,
what do you think is importantto you?
Is it showing up for your kid?
Is it being there, teachingthem these valuable skills so
that they can be resilient andbe able to handle, like, all of
the emotions that come and thatyou have to ride out when you're
playing a really competitivesport?
So I think that that can bereally helpful.
When I meet with parentsone-on-one, I love doing that

(33:12):
work and touching base around.
You know what are your goalshere?
Forget what your parentsexpected of you when you were a
kid, but also tapping into, likewhat their childhood was like
and saying like, okay, whatwould be helpful here to change?
If you could change something,what would it be?
So I think connecting with thatgeneration is so, so important
right now if you find thatthey're willing to do it.

Speaker 1 (33:36):
Right, right, and you know, like I think that the way
we teach kids now they're a lotmore emotionally aware than
what we grew up with.
I'll give you a great examplewhere my wife and I were talking
and our six-year-old walks inand we're like can you give us a

(33:57):
minute to finish theconversation?
He turns around and says youmade me feel sad and walks away
and you're like okay, well, thatwas cool, and he'll do that all
the time, like he'll come inand be like you made me feel
like this, and he literallyarticulates and tells you
exactly what he's feeling.

Speaker 2 (34:18):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (34:18):
And you know as a kid , I know I never did that you
know I wasn't that emotionallyaware of you know my state or
being.
It's usually, and it usuallyended up in frustration or anger
, right, because people justdidn't understand and you didn't
understand, right, you'd neversay it to your parent because

(34:39):
they wouldn't understand.
Right.
They didn't understand rightand you'd never say it to your
parent because they wouldn'tunderstand right.
And so I feel like that haschanged significantly and even
as a coach, when I'm coachingkids, I tend to now speak to
them in those words and you know, I'll be coaching like a
seven-year-old and I'll be likethat did not make me feel good

(35:01):
because you did this and that.
And then putting that onto thetable and hopefully they mirror
that behavior and can explain tome that, hey, coach, that drill
didn't feel good, yeah, thatdidn't feel right.
That you know that's not me, Ican't.

(35:21):
You know that's not my game,that's not my style.
Right, and helping those kidsfinding their own style in the
game, in the team game, I thinkis just so critical that not a
lot of coaches and parents do.

Speaker 2 (35:37):
Yeah, yeah.
And what you're describing inthe mental health world is
called emotions identification.
So being able to say this ishow I feel, this is what's going
on for me right now, and that'sthe first step in being able to
say, okay, now that I feel thisway, what am I going to do
about it.
And so by saying, hey, coach,like this is where I'm at, this

(35:57):
is what I'm feeling, then you asa coach can say, okay, let's
try this or let's change thisaround.
Or, as a parent, can say, okay,I think that's helpful.
Now I know that I need to dosomething differently or we need
to approach this differently inhelping you, right.
So that level of communicationyou're right can be so helpful.
And I think that you know beingable to be valid in

(36:20):
understanding that child andbeing able to say you know, I
want to do something about it,now that you've shared that with
me is super important, becauseI imagine you know your
16-year-old is settingthemselves up for vulnerability
by saying this is how I feel.
Who knows what my dad might dowith it.
And it's great that you're ableto say hey, that's cool that

(36:44):
you shared that and that yousaid that, rather than I don't
care that you feel this way, orwhy are you telling me this?
Because you know now you'remaking me feel bad, or however,
you spin it Right In a negativeway.
So I think that's awesome.

Speaker 1 (36:51):
Yeah, no, thank you, I appreciate that.
Yeah, no, take care, appreciatethat.
And you know, thinking aboutthe emotional identification and
just thinking about being ableto express yourself that way,

(37:15):
you know I'm going difficulttime finding ways to assist kids
where parents are going througha separation.
It's unfortunately, it's moreoften now than it's ever been.
We have kids in sports who arestruggling with dealing with

(37:35):
those emotions, sports who arestruggling with dealing with
those emotions, and you know Ialways look for ways to kind of
be an asset in that situationwithout, you know, be without
inserting myself in thatsituation, being able to help
the child process.
Yeah, so what do you usually dowhen you're dealing with
families?
They're separate or moving orthings like that.

Speaker 2 (37:58):
Well you're hinting on also.
I just want to say that we talkabout sports being stressful.
It's also so therapeutic, and Ithink you're hinting at how
sports can be therapeutic.
Either it's the coach who's thenumber one fan of the kid, or
it's just a great outlet for akid to be able to go after
school when their parents arestruggling or going through a

(38:18):
separation, and this is theirspace, their safe space, their
calming space.
So I think that that's reallyimportant and it's the same
thing that I'm.
My answer around this isbasically a lot of the work with
kids is being able to meet themwhere they're at, in the sense
of their parents are goingthrough a separation.
You don't want to, as you'resaying, interject or put

(38:40):
anything into how they shouldfeel or shouldn't feel in the
situation, so you want to givethem the space to express
themselves and say you know thisis for you, this is your safe
space to say how you're feelingabout what's going on and just
being there for them.
I think that's important.
And then giving them the toolsbecause I imagine the home can
be a hostile place making surethat they have, like if they're

(39:02):
in their sport and they'rereally enjoying their sport.
Put more of that out there.
Give them more extracurricularsto enjoy.
Make sure that, if it'spossible, that the coach is
aware of what's going on so thatthey can say how are you doing
today?
Just checking in, making surethat they have that the social
support, that they have friendsaround them and they have that

(39:22):
outlet the teammates.
Not that they need to be awareof what's going on personally,
but just that they have thatsupport there if they need it
and want it, and so I think thatthat's really helpful.
On top of that, I think you knowit can be difficult working
with parents when both areseparated and that can be
contentious and conflictual.
As a coach I would say is just,you know, sharing, you know as

(39:46):
much positive things about thechild and kind of directing them
into that of like hey, he didreally great at practice today.
Like I'm really glad.
If you know he needs moresupport, let me know.
Great at practice today, likeI'm really glad.
If you know he needs moresupport, let me know.
Let's keep this open dialoguegoing on and being there for the
parents in a way of helping thekid deal with whatever's going

(40:06):
on.

Speaker 1 (40:06):
Yeah, no, that's great.
Thank you so much for thatinsight.
I think that's very helpful.
What about separation anxietyfor the child when, as they grow
through classmates or teams?
Right, I mean, you know, I knowfor me it's very difficult to
graduate kids.
You know, my wife is a teacheras well, and so she goes.

(40:29):
She's like that's part of thejob, you know, you teach them,
you let them go and the nextone's coming.
And I was like, well, you know,I don't have as much experience
as her in this field.
And then you coach, you givefor two, three years and then
you know they kind of grow outof your purview and then move on
to either a different team,different organization,
different coach, and you still,you know, you're still connected

(40:51):
, you still talk to the family.
But for the child to go throughthat like, hey, these were my
buddies for the last two, threeyears and now I'm in a whole new
space.
So what do you usually do tohelp the child get through that
anxiety and that stress?

Speaker 2 (41:07):
That's a great question.
Yeah, I think a big piece firstof all is celebrating the
accomplishments and the valuablefriendships, the valuable
relationship they've had withtheir coach, that belonging of
being on a team and mourningthat is really valid, but we
also want to celebrate how much,what a big deal it is that they

(41:28):
had that right.
So that's the first part Iwould say is like really saying
like hey, you're graduatingright now, this is a celebration
for you, this is awesome.
And then I think the next partwhat you're graduating right now
, this is a celebration for you,this is awesome.
And then I think the next part,what you're saying is checking
in on that kid and saying I'mhere, you know, I want you to
blossom, I want you to go toyour next coach and your next
team and do really awesome.
But let me you know.

(41:49):
Let you know that I'm here ifyou need me, and I think that's
good.
I think also I like to help thekid talk about what are the
things that you're reallyexcited about in the next
adventure that you're embarkingon.
You know what are what's reallycool about your new team,
whether it's like the mascot oryou know the arena you're
playing at, things like that andthen on top of that is

(42:13):
accepting and being OK with whatare you going to miss?
Like, let's talk about that,and that's understandable too.
This is kind of you know, I'lllabel it as grief.
You're mourning the loss ofthis experience that you're not
going to have.
It's going to be a differentexperience.
I'm positive it's going to be areally great one for you, even
though it's going to be hard foryou to see that right now.
But as much normalizing andvalidating their feelings and

(42:36):
whatever they're feeling is soimportant, I think, especially
normalizing it with separation,anxiety.
It's a change, it's adifference.

Speaker 1 (42:45):
Yeah, I love that.
And you know, I had a funnystory because I was coaching my
6U team six-year-old and I hadthis one kid who is older and he
just keeps coming into my group.
So after a couple weeks thefather calls me over and goes
like hey, um, you know, my kidis supposed to be with the older
kids.
He just loves you.

(43:06):
He doesn't want to leave.
Can you talk to him?
So I pulled him over and I waslike what's that?
I was like buddy.
I was like you know, you, you'rereally good, you're really good
man.
I was like you know you, you'rereally good, you're really good
man.
I was like you know, can you dome a favor, can you try playing
with those guys?
I was like I'll be right here,I'll be on the same ice just
coaching the little guys, butI'll be watching you.

(43:28):
I was like but can you try thatfor me and see if you like it?
I was like, if you don't like,you, come back.
Yeah, but I want you to try itbecause you're really good and I
think you, you know you, yougot a great, like you said,
graduate yeah, I was like youknow, and so he's like okay,
coach.
And he just went, you know, butI had no idea that that's what
he was doing until the fathertold me he's like hey, coach,

(43:51):
like he should be.
I was like I thought they justkept sending him to me.
I was like I don know why.

Speaker 2 (43:55):
I just didn't say anything.
Yeah, it's a testament to you.

Speaker 1 (44:00):
Oh, yeah, well, thank you, but, yeah, but I love that
you know you brought that up,because I think that it's such a
different approach as opposedto saying hey, you know, you can
no longer train with me, yougot to go train with that guy,
yeah, yeah, and withoutexplaining to the child why
you're moving him, why this ishappening.

(44:21):
Right, because it does createanxiety and your first thought
is usually negative.

Speaker 2 (44:28):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (44:29):
It's like, yeah, I did something wrong because he's
like me right.

Speaker 2 (44:33):
Totally.
There's so much internalizedthere and you're right, I think
that a big thing is with kids.
We tend to shy away and thinkthat we don't want to give them
as much information as they sothat it'll decrease their
anxiety.
But in a sense we really wantto do it as age appropriately as
possible.
Give information, help explainwhy something is going on,

(44:54):
because the more they'rewondering, the more they're
confused.
The increased shame develops,the increased anxiety develops,
and it's just not fair.
So I love that idea Just givethem the information and help
them understand.
You know you're graduating,you're moving on.
Because you did it, you'recongrats.

Speaker 1 (45:10):
Yeah, I love that.
And you know, I guess this kindof prompts the next question
about playing at a.
You know, making a lower team,right, and so you have three
teams and you made the second orthird team and a lot of parents
, and you know, kind of getupset over it because they feel

(45:30):
like it should be on the higherteam and this and that Right,
and so that adds anxiety to thechild.
You'd be on the higher team andthis and that right, so that
adds anxiety to the child.
And I talk a lot about it onthe show, what I call kitchen
talk, where parents starttalking negatively about the
coaches, the organization, thisthat as opposed to letting the
kid kind of experience themoment, right.

Speaker 2 (45:52):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (45:53):
And playing on the second and third team doesn't
mean you're a better player.
It just means you have room togrow and you can make it back to
the first team.
You just got to work a littleharder and so using that as a
motivation factor as opposed toyou know an excuse to blame, you

(46:13):
know the circumstances.
So what do you usuallyrecommend for kids and parents
in those situations?

Speaker 2 (46:21):
Well, you're hinting on what we call a defense
mechanism, that the fallback isto be defensive and say it's the
coach's problem, it's theteam's problem.
My kid didn't perform wellbecause of whatever happened,
you know, and I think that theidea of helping the parent
accept that you know this is theresult.
It's not what you intended andyou wanted, and that's okay, and

(46:43):
giving them that level ofacceptance is really important.
I think that that's one thing.
I think what you're hinting attoo is just letting the kid
really be able to feel whateverthey feel and helping the parent
take their feelings and keepingthem inside or giving them a
space somewhere else to expressthat, because it's not fair for
the kid to be putting that onthem, like you're saying, and

(47:06):
you know that kitchen talkshould remain in the kitchen and
the child should be in thebedroom if you're having that
type of talk right, like notthere, not in front of the kid.
It's just not fair to them and Ithink that that you know that's
important.
And once the kid is reallybeing able to feel however they
feel, inviting the parent to bethat space for them to talk

(47:26):
about and say I'm disappointed,I didn therapeutic, but it's
just my own philosophy aroundlike everything happens for a
reason.
I truly, truly believe that andI'm not very into like you know
, like strange things, but Ijust feel like we just have like

(47:50):
there's a reason a kid doesn'tisn't put on that excellent, the
excelling team for thebeginning, that there's a
learning experience that reallycan help this kid here and I
think that that's something I doreally work with parents on is
what can we help and teach thekid to grow from this?
Like?
Your kid deserves theopportunity to learn from this,
even if it's not the ultimatebest answer.

(48:12):
Here we're teaching them how toaccept challenges, we're
teaching them how to beresilient, we're teaching them
how to deal with their emotionsand that's all really good.
It's not a great situation.
It's not, maybe, in your eyes,a fair situation.
Maybe the coach was not fairtoward your child in this.
Who knows what happened, andwe're going to accept it.

(48:32):
We're going to validate how youfeel about this and move on to
help this kid do the best thatthey can, on whatever team
they're on.

Speaker 1 (48:40):
Yeah, and I think that also opens you up to
mentorship, right, like beingable to accept somebody's
mentorship or guidance, likeeven now in my regular job as an
intern.
You know, as a CPA, I havementors and folks that help me

(49:00):
get better every day.
And, you know, despite me beingvery well into my career, you
know, and proving myself in manyareas of the work, I still look
for ways to learn and improvemyself Absolutely.
And you know, there's so manyvisions and so many different
styles and somebody would comein and say, hey, have you

(49:21):
thought of this?
You're like, wow, that's areally different way of thinking
.
Yeah, I love that you know, andso what we just talked about
kind of prepares them and givesthem the opportunity to be like
okay, you know that's not what Iwanted now, but if I want to
get there, what are the steps Ihave to take to do that?

Speaker 2 (49:43):
Yeah, what's the road ?

Speaker 1 (49:44):
ahead.
Yeah, I love that.

Speaker 2 (49:47):
Yeah, I was just going to say we call this also
in the mental health world kindof reframing your thoughts in
the mental health world.
Kind of reframing your thoughts, rethinking it in a different
way that can be more adaptive,help you to, you know, get
through and learn something fromthe situation, rather than
being stuck in this mindset oflike this is just sucks and it's
not going to get any better.

Speaker 1 (50:08):
Right and I'm not going to get any better Sorry.
Right, no, you're absolutelyright.
I think that I always try toget folks out of that what I
call like a victim mentality.
You know where you feel likethings are happening against you
as opposed to for you.
So everything that happens likewe lost somebody's.

(50:30):
You know your goal and somebodyscored a goal on you.
You're like, oh man man, youknow, like the defenseman messed
up, the coach didn't do this,everybody's fault.
And then you're not owning yourmistakes.
So I always tell the kids, youknow, when I coach, one of the
things they always say is do notlet somebody else own your

(50:51):
mistake yeah, it's yours, and ifyou want to get better, you
have to own it and sometimes ownsomebody else's.
Take on more of those mistakes,because that's how you're going
to grow.
You're not going to grow if yousay it's everybody else's fault
.

Speaker 2 (51:05):
Exactly.
I love that.
And the other thing that I dothink is helpful for parents,
too, and coaches is that theycan have those moments.
They can have those moments offeeling like it's everyone
else's fault and it sucks, likeI will have kids come into my
session.
Here's your punching bag.
You get five minutes, throw itout there and you can do that.
That is totally, totally fine.

(51:27):
Go right ahead After those fiveminutes.
We're working on adaptivethoughts, we're working on
coping.
We're working on seeing this ina very different light.

Speaker 1 (51:41):
But right now you get your five minute punching bag
and I think that helps too.

Speaker 2 (51:44):
Oh, I love that.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
I actually have a punching bagin my house.
I should.
Yeah, I, I don't have apunching bag, but I use the
pillow close it up.

Speaker 1 (51:50):
Sometimes I'll tell you know when the kids get
really mad I'll be like go homeand yell at the pillow and then
come back.

Speaker 2 (51:56):
Yep, yep, but you only get five minutes for it.

Speaker 1 (51:59):
Don't yell at me.
Go home and yell at the pillow.
I should start carrying one topractice.
I do want to switch gearsslightly here.
I know you know we're coming upon the hour, but you know we
can go a little bit longer.
I want to talk a little bitabout working with kids with
special needs and you know Ihave some projects in the works

(52:22):
and I tend to work with a lot ofkids who have ADHD or dyslexia
and it's not really severe, youknow, not always severe issues
like mental health issues orlike Down syndrome, even though
I had kids in learn to playprograms where kids were, um,
you're dealing with those issues, um, and I did have kids with

(52:46):
physical impairments.
I had a kid who walked only onhis toes and so actually the
doctor recommended he doeshockey and so I was coaching him
with the doctor's um support to, because in the skate you can't
elevate your heel oh, what agreat suggestion yeah, and after
a year he actually startedwalking normally.

(53:07):
It was really cool to see thatthe hockey was actually, uh,
something that helped him in,you know, physically in to fix
this deformity.
So I want to talk to you alittle bit about working with
kids with special needs and howwe can utilize the sports to
help progress them.

Speaker 2 (53:27):
Yeah, yeah, in terms of my work with special needs,
I've worked with kids on theautism spectrum a bunch, and
with kids on the spectrum inparticular.
Sports can be really helpfulwith an added component of
teaching them social skills too,and so I think that that's one
piece that you know I'd love tosee more of actually is just

(53:50):
coaches being aware of how canyou implement more social
strategies and social skills andhelping kids interact in a
really positive way with oneanother in an appropriate way,
with one another how to ask,like appropriate questions and
engage with each other in thatway.
So I think in that I reallyworked with with children.

(54:11):
In terms of more developmentalchallenges, I've worked with
kids with learning difficultiesand they often find that sports
can be a way to feel more normalbecause there's less pressure
around performance academically.
So it's a nice outlet to beable to excel without you know

(54:32):
pen and paper, without reading,without those types of pressures
.
So in terms of, um, childrenwith learning difficulties, I've
really seen sports to behelpful too.
Um, so those are the two, Ithink, main areas of children
with special needs I've workedwith where I found that sports
can be such a brilliant way ofit's almost, as I was saying

(54:52):
before, sports therapy right,right and so, um, you know,
obviously, you know, I think inus it's a growing um, a growing
field, I want to say, justbecause I think the spectrum for
autism has been extended quitea bit and right.

Speaker 1 (55:13):
So the regulations are very different than what
they used to be.
Yeah, and I think you know weare taught as coaches also to
recognize that all the more andto recognize kids with those
special needs.
I actually had a kid in aninteresting story where we were
at a tournament, an outdoortournament with kids, and we are

(55:37):
again in the finals and my bestplayers are really, really
nervous Because it's a one-goalgame and they're just so nervous
and I could tell, and I had akid who had special needs.
I don't think he was assessed,but basically I knew that he

(55:58):
didn't care, he wasn't nervous,he wasn't scared, he actually
probably didn't even know whatscore it was.
And so I pulled him over and Isaid I need you to just go out
there and get me the puck.
Wherever it is, I want you togo and get it.
So he chased down every singleperson, stole the puck from

(56:19):
everybody.
He didn't want anybody to touchyou for two minutes everyone
again, and I was like dude, soyou're the hero yeah, you did it
yeah, and just because hedidn't have that, that emotional
stress that had and and thiskid, you know he was actually
very good at school and thingslike that, but there was certain

(56:44):
social aspects that he lackedor whatever, and I was like
that's an asset.

Speaker 2 (56:49):
You could use that Absolutely, absolutely.
I think that's where we see somuch brilliance in people and in
talent in their sports, likethere is something very special
about people who are able toexcel at the level of
competitive sports where, whenthe stress does not affect them

(57:11):
Right or a mental healthdisorder.

Speaker 1 (57:14):
Right, right, you know, as they say, you know you
gotta be a little bit crazy toto be an athlete, right?
You know we usually say thatabout goalies, cause you get hit
with pucks all day long andyou're like you gotta be a
special person to stand thereand get hit with these You're
okay with that, yeah, with thesepucks.
Over and over again, people justthrow things at you and you're

(57:37):
like, yep, I got this and youdon't even flinch.
Right, right, they're verymentally strong people Made of
steel.
Yeah, kudos to those.
I know we're coming up on thehour and thank you so much, dr
Samantha, for jumping on.
I always like to close out theshow with a little rapid fire.
A couple of questions, if youdon't mind Please no.

(57:57):
All right, we'll start with thefirst one about what do you
think motivates athletes?

Speaker 2 (58:03):
Ooh, great question.
I think the love of whatthey're doing the game winning,
of course is there, I'm sure,that feeling of feeling the
accolades of getting that goldmedal in front of their face.
So I think that's that offeeling the accolades of getting
that gold medal in front oftheir face.
So I think that's that.
I also hope it's for athleteswho are on a team sport together

(58:24):
, that they're teammates andhaving that encouragement and
that love of doing somethingtogether.

Speaker 1 (58:28):
Awesome.
Second one is if you would namethree character traits that you
notice in successful athletes,what would they be?

Speaker 2 (58:40):
Oh, I think self-confidence is one, I think
definitely perseverance, andthen I would also say is oh gosh
.
I don't know how to make thisinto a treat, but like love for

(59:01):
something, like reallypassionate, passionate
individual.
There we go, yeah.

Speaker 1 (59:06):
Right, I love that.
Yeah, and I think you knowthere's like perseverance and
being able to stay, you know,work through those moments that
you and I were talking aboutjust being able to work through
the stress, and it's such a key,you know, such a key moment if
you see in those successfulathletes.

Speaker 2 (59:27):
Yeah, for sure.
Getting through it all, ohsorry.

Speaker 1 (59:31):
Yeah, no, no, absolutely One more here.
If you could name three thingsthat can hold an athlete back,
what would they be?

Speaker 2 (59:38):
Yeah Well, performance anxiety, for sure,
we know that.
I think.
Self-doubt, I think the lowself-confidence is such a big
one that just messes us up.
Um, if you don't feel like youcan do it, it's too, it's, we're
not going to be successful.
Um, and then another thing thatreally holds athletes back, I

(01:00:00):
think it's.
Um, I think also in referenceto what is helpful, is the lack

(01:00:20):
of passion when we're not reallyloving it and we're not doing.
We're not in it for ourselves.

Speaker 1 (01:00:24):
Right, if that makes sense.
Right, yeah, like if you'replaying a sport because your
mama or dad made you versusbecause you want to.

Speaker 2 (01:00:30):
I see that all the time, that difficulty of
determining are you in it foryou or are you in it for someone
else.

Speaker 1 (01:00:36):
Yeah, I find that you know a lot of times that
parents tend to live vicariouslythrough their kids and kind of
like hey, I always wanted to bea hockey player, so you're going
to be a hockey player, yes, yeshey, I always want to be a
hockey player, so you're goingto be happy.
Yes, I really want to be afigure skater.
No, you're going to be a hockeyplayer because absolutely yeah,
I went.

Speaker 2 (01:00:53):
I did softball for so many years because I knew I
thought my dad wanted me to dosoftball and I was miserable.
So that's where that badcomment is coming from, like if
it's not in it, it's not worthit for you or anyone else yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:01:07):
So maybe we could kind of, before we wrap up, talk
a little bit about theself-confidence aspect because I
love that and I think it's sodifficult to maintain it, uh,
especially with, you know,bullying, hazing.
Uh, you know social media stuffthat that's happening now and
you have a kid who is on the topteam but then he's gonna, you

(01:01:28):
know, he has a bad game and thecoach puts him on the third line
and then all the other kidsstart picking him and you're
this, you're that, you're nogood this and that, and so you
know getting out of the rut andgetting building your
self-confidence.
So do you have maybe a coupleof things that kids and parents
can utilize in their tool beltto get that self-confidence up?

Speaker 2 (01:01:53):
Yeah Well, I tell parents at an early age, at your
child's early kids, to circleof like 25 self-affirmations
that feel that really feel rightfor them and that they could
see themselves saying to theirkid or they can their kid, the

(01:02:15):
kid feels like they can say.
So having those and I also callthem cheerleading statements or
self-talk statements havingthose positive thoughts in your
head to be able to get yourselfthrough something is I think
that's really important in yourhead.
To be able to get yourselfthrough something is I think
that's really important.
And doing it kind ofreligiously in a way of like
when I wake up in the morningI'm going to write them.
You know, I have them writethem for girls like in lipstick

(01:02:36):
on their mirror and beingreading them over and over again
or having them on their cellphone and their notes and just
like really ingraining it inyour mind.
I think that could be helpful.
I also think, getting the parentto really have some statements
that they truly believe thatthey can start saying to their
child you know, this is hard andI know you can do it, I've seen

(01:02:59):
you do it before and being ableto kind of coach them through
it, I think that's important.
Reminding them and having themwrite down some moments that
were really great for them, youknow, on the field, in the rink,
in the arena.
Remember that time, rememberlast week when you felt so good
about yourself, and being ableto tap into that again.
I think that's also reallyimportant.

(01:03:21):
And having, like I said, thatpep talk from, I think, a coach,
from someone who is a mentor tothem or an ally of theirs, a
friend, someone who can say youknow, I know this is hard, I get
it and validate that and at thesame time, say you're awesome,
I think you're great, I thinkyou can do this.
So those are some of thestrategies I think can be the

(01:03:43):
most useful.
A lot of it, though, has tocome inside and get getting in
there.
So, for sure, being able tohelp that kid as much as
possible to feel it not justexternally, but internally is so
important.

Speaker 1 (01:03:58):
Yeah, and you know, if I can add to that, like I had
a recent moment with with myson where you know there's
there's tryouts and there was alot of nerve wracking, you know,
rather around making the teamor where he's going, and and you
know I had this conversationwith him when I said I don't

(01:04:18):
care if you're playing on thetop team or on the bottom team,
I said I don't care what peoplesay, I don don't care what
they're going to come in and say, oh, Coach Hassan didn't make
the team, or Coach.
Hassan didn't make the team.
I was like you have tounderstand something that in the
past 10 years you made theteams and I coached those teams.

(01:04:43):
You didn't make the teams that Icoached, and it's a very big
distinction, because I got tocoach all three of my boys and I
wanted to make it very clearthat I followed them, not the
other way around.
They went through the trial,they made the teams that they
made and then I was helping inthose teams and in those
capacities to support theorganization, and that allowed

(01:05:07):
our director to shuffle thecoaches and put people in the
right places, but it alsoallowed me to be able to travel,
you know, between three kids,to all the games and all the
events that I had to go to, plusthe Junior Rangers work that I
do, right, so between everything.
And so you know my director isextremely wonderful and
accommodating to my family andour needs and so, but I just

(01:05:32):
wanted him to know that that youknow people are always going to
talk and there's always goingto be a thousand opinions and a
thousand excuses and a lot ofblame, and to me that's just
noise, and to me that's justnoise, and you know most of the
people who are very close to youwhen you tell them your kid
plays hockey, they don't knowthey're playing triple A, double

(01:05:54):
A, a, b, c.
Whatever level they're playing,as long as they're playing.

Speaker 2 (01:05:59):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:06:00):
And that's already an accomplishment.
Totally and so yeah, and so Iyou know I want to just
reiterate that message to thosethat are listening that you know
, tune out the noise a littlebit from uh, you know that kind
of happens around you and don'tworry so much about making the
top team yeah, worry about the.

Speaker 2 (01:06:19):
Moment yeah, and keeping that dialogue open when
you're a kid.
I think that's fantastic thatyou did that of saying this is I
don't care, I just want you tobe happy, and I think that's
fantastic that you did that ofsaying this is I don't care, I
just want you to be happy.
And I think that's really thecore of it is what parents even
parents who are like I want youto be on the best team ever they
see that as the child'shappiness.
Right, that's going to givethem that happiness, but

(01:06:40):
ultimately it's any team, aslong as you're happy and you're
playing in a way that makes youfeel good.

Speaker 1 (01:06:46):
Yeah, absolutely, and I know it through my own
experience when I play with someex-professional players and
coaches.
It's a very high-level hockey.
And then I will go and playwith my friends who are maybe
not as skilled or not asadvanced, some folks who just
started playing at the age of 50.
And we're skating together.

(01:07:08):
We're having a great timetogether, we have a great
experience together.

Speaker 2 (01:07:12):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:07:13):
You know me playing at a lower level doesn't mean
that, you know, I'm worriedabout what I'm viewed as by the
people standing around the glass.
I'm having a good time with myfriends and I'm enjoying my
experience, and and that's allthat really matters at the end,
and so that was also theconversation I had with him in

(01:07:33):
terms of like hey, you know, youknow you have buddies there and
you have buddies there, so theyou know, whichever way you go,
you're going to have a good time.

Speaker 2 (01:07:42):
Yeah, exactly, you're not going to lose in any of
these situations.

Speaker 1 (01:07:46):
Right, well, dr Samantha, thank you again so
much for jumping on and spendinga little bit over an hour with
me today.

Speaker 2 (01:07:57):
Maybe we'll do another one at a later time.

Speaker 1 (01:07:58):
I think there are a lot of topics that I like to
explore, especially in thissocial world, and you know, I
think we barely touched on thesocial media and the impact of
that and some of the otherstress world.
And you know, I think we barelytouched on the social media and
the impact of that and some ofthe other stressors, and you
know we have a ton of stories totell, so I'll look forward to

(01:08:18):
speaking to you again and again.
I really appreciate your time.

Speaker 2 (01:08:21):
Thank you so much, coach.
It was a pleasure.

Speaker 1 (01:08:24):
Thank you and thank everybody for joining us tonight
.
The podcast, as as usual, willbe available on all the major
podcast platforms in the nextcouple of days.
Please make sure to share itand hopefully it helps you along
your way of becoming an athlete, an asset to your athlete.

(01:08:45):
Thank you of becoming anathlete and asset to your
athlete.
Thank you.