January 11, 2024 • 26 mins
PLEASE READ!
Please note that The Post Concussion Podcast has been closed for new episodes as of early 2024. Concussion Connect is also closed.
Thank you to everyone who was so supportive over the years and I hope these episodes continue to help others as they come across them!
I have set on a new venture (with a pen name - Izzy Barry) you can learn more about here
https://izzybarry.substack.com/
--
Returning guest Ben Morton joins us once more, bringing an inspiring update to his post-concussion journey that began with us back in episode #63.
Ben's story is one of such transformation, as he opens up about the emotional and physical rollercoaster of his recovery since 2015. From the challenges of re-entering the workforce to the tender experience of moving back in with his parents, Ben's narrative is a heartfelt testament to the resilience necessitated by life's new normal after a concussion.
Listen in to an evolution of perspective as Ben and I discuss the path from a life once marked by unyielding pace to one that embraces a quieter existence. Together, we uncover the silver linings woven into the fabric of post-concussion life, celebrating the small victories often overlooked. Ben's insights echo the collective experience of many facing similar challenges, and together we acknowledge the peacefulness found in the imperfect journey toward healing.
LISTEN to Ben's previous episode: https://postconcussioninc.com/podcast/ben-morton
Find Show Notes, Transcript, & More: https://postconcussioninc.com/podcast
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Bella Paige (00:02):
Hi everyone.
I'm your host, Bella Paige, andafter suffering from
post-concussion syndrome foryears, it was time to do
something about it.
So welcome to thePost-Concussion Podcast, where
we dig deep into life when itdoesn't go back to normal.
Be sure to share the podcastand join our support network,
Concussion Connect.
Let's make this invisibleinjury become visible.
(00:26):
The Post-Concussion Podcast isstrictly an information podcast
about concussions andpost-concussion syndrome.
It does not provide norsubstitute for professional
medical advice, diagnosis ortreatment.
Always seek the advice of yourphysician or another qualified
health provider with anyquestions you may have regarding
a medical condition.
(00:47):
Never disregard professionalmedical advice or delay in
seeking it because of somethingyou have heard on this podcast.
The opinions expressed in thispodcast are simply intended to
spark discussion aboutconcussions and post-concussion
syndrome.
Welcome to episode number 127 ofthe Post-Concussion Podcast,
(01:08):
with myself, Bella PaIge andtoday's repeat guest, Ben Morton
.
Before you listen to today'sepisode, make sure you go back
to episode number 63.
This is our first follow-upwith a survivor.
Ben suffered a concussion whileon a work trip in 2015.
Seven years later, he is back,living in Portland, oregon with
(01:28):
his partner, Reanna, and theirpuppy Turtle.
Ben has re-entered theworkforce after a long journey
of recovery and even though he'snot completely symptom-free,
he's cherishing the smallvictories that fell out of reach
for so long.
After bemoaning the hard partsof this injury for years, ben is
taking solace in acknowledgingthe beautiful relationships that
(01:49):
have emerged as a result of hisinjury.
Welcome back, ben.
Ben Morton (01:54):
Hey, thanks for having me back, Bella.
It's great to be here.
Bella Paige (01:57):
So we're going to start with you kind of going
back into your concussionexperience for everyone.
Do you want to talk a littlebit about what that was?
Ben Morton (02:07):
Yeah, so I don't want to repeat myself from what
I said last time.
But, in short, my concussionexperience dates back to 2015.
I was in New York City on awork trip and I'd run into a
steel light fixture.
It was something at the timethat really shook me up, but for
the most part I was under theimpression I was going to get
(02:29):
better and I finished out thatwork trip.
I was having headaches,sensitivity to light, nausea,
myriad symptoms that again, Ithought were just subside when I
returned back to Portland.
But they didn't.
So I returned back to Portland,tried to continue working.
That proved to be too difficultand that's when things really
(02:52):
kind of swept me up into thetornado of having that injury,
which was living with my parentsfor gosh five, six years.
Last time we spoke I just kindof was at the tail end of that
point and re-entering theworkforce.
But it's been a heck of ajourney and I now look out for
all steel light fixtures and I'ma clumsy human by nature, but
(03:15):
I'm definitely on higher alertthan.
I was before.
Bella Paige (03:19):
It's that, the moving back.
I remember we did talk about itbefore.
It's really challenging to movelike you've made.
This accomplishment of movingout and then moving back in is
like a lot of people have to doit.
We have tons of survivors inGenghishth and K'nak that have
either moved in with friends,family members, older
individuals who have moved backin with their kids because
(03:41):
they're not working anymore andmaybe they're older, they're at
the end of their career but theydon't really like what else are
they going to do?
These types of challenges comeup, and so it's been a while.
By the time this comes out,it'll be not two years, but
pretty close to when we recordedat least your last episode.
So how are you doing,symptom-wise, since we last
(04:02):
talked?
Ben Morton (04:04):
You know I'm doing okay symptom-wise.
Well, last time we spoke I gotto be honest I'm sure I sounded
more confident than I shouldhave, but I thought I was going
to crash and burn.
So I got hired for this jobthat I had to explain this long,
long work gap.
I was probably the mostsurprised by that job offer and
I was like, okay, I guess I'lltry it.
(04:24):
And I went into really having afear of looking at screens for
long periods of time, the longhours kind of sitting at a desk,
seeing how my neck pain wasgoing to respond to that the
first week I almost did crashand burn.
I wasn't sleeping and I waskind of getting so inside my
head on it I was like, oh mygosh, I don't think I'm going to
be able to do this.
I'm going to have to bow out.
(04:44):
And then my mind went to thatplace.
If I'm probably going to goback living with my parents, I'm
going to lose my partner,rihanna, and my new living
situation.
And one thing I will say onthat is that if you are living
with your parents or you're in asituation that maybe isn't the
most conventional to where maybepeople expect you to be at in
your life.
I felt so much shame andhumiliation around that and it's
(05:06):
weird now, bella, because Iwouldn't give that up In fact,
that's one of the most beautifulthings that that injury
afforded me was time with myparents that I find now that I'm
back in this kind of work andworry cycle of life that I long
for and I anyways I don't wantto get too off track there but
my symptoms, my eye strain, isstill there.
So looking at screens eight,nine, 10 hours a day as I do,
(05:29):
that's definitely a huge painpoint that I'm trying to sort
out and remedy.
My neck pain is is definitelystill there, but I have some new
approaches that I'm taking.
Maybe we can get into thatlater.
But yeah, my symptoms are at aplateau where it's livable, but
certainly always striving tomake my quality life even better
(05:51):
.
Bella Paige (05:51):
For sure.
I think that's pretty likethat's where a lot of people I
think end up is like it's kindof symptoms get better and get
better, and then they havesymptoms but they can live with
them, which I think is a goodplace.
It's not a bad place to get.
It's still frustrating,especially when you've had like
a concussion and I've had over10.
(06:11):
So sometimes, like to me, it'slike it makes sense.
You know, like I've been hurtso many times and like I've had
more concussions than that.
So like in my head I can do themath.
I think when you've had onereally bad incident or one small
one, you're like it seems likea lot more.
But you know, I'd like that youmentioned the family benefit
aspect because I think that isone thing people share a lot in
(06:34):
our community about how the onething they've loved about this,
if they had to pick something,was that it made them slow down
on life.
Right, because it kind of makesyou you have to like physically
, mentally, everything.
So it really does make you slowdown and kind of look at things
differently and definitelygives you a different
perspective on life and thingslike that.
(06:55):
And so you mentioned doingdifferent things for your neck
and for symptoms.
So what?
What have you been doing?
Ben Morton (07:03):
So I've become the biggest believer, Bella, in
massage therapy, which issomething I don't think I was
really doing that last time wespoke, and not that I hadn't
tried it, but it was somethingwhere I always kind of dabbled
in it and maybe saw massagetherapists once or twice within
like two weeks or a month's timeand I was like, you know, it's
not really helping.
There's some relief in themoment, but it just doesn't
(07:23):
provide any respite from thatpain outside of those visits.
But massage therapy and andagain, I feel really lucky that
that my employer and my healthbenefits afford me that.
But I now am on kind of aschedule where I get a massage
at least once a month, if nottwice a month, and I'm getting
chiropractic care kind of inconjunction with that and I
(07:47):
would recommend it.
And it feels like a chore attimes because it's like, oh my
gosh, tuesday nights I got to godo this after a workday.
But if I don't, in fact if Itake a week off or a month off,
that pain comes back in a waywhere it's like, oh, it's clear,
clearly the culprit is me notkind of staying steadfast to
this, this regimen.
So for anyone listening who'shad any hesitance around massage
(08:11):
therapy or chiropractic care,please don't, please jump in
there.
And then I'm also, every threemonths, getting Botox, kind of
Botox for migraines.
That is something I've beendoing for, I think, since 2018,
which I failed to mention lasttime we spoke, and I remember
beating myself up.
I was like, oh shoot, I forgotthis one piece, this nugget.
That's helped immensely.
(08:32):
So, and that's really kind ofmy toolbox right now, which is
massage therapy, chiropracticcare, and then getting those
those Botox injections aboutfour times a year.
Bella Paige (08:42):
I love massage therapy.
I sometimes forget how well itworks until I get a massage and
I'm like, oh, wow, like it'sgone, especially because I don't
really deal with severeheadaches anymore.
But, for example, I injured myarm really bad last year, twice
my shoulder, and so I tore allthe muscles in it and I couldn't
sleep on that arm since I haddone it and I had always slept
(09:05):
on that side.
And so I finally mentioned itwhen I went for a massage one
day and he like did something inmy arm like you know, found
whatever, and then I could sleepon it.
Ever since it's been fine andit's like all these things, but
it is really important to gofind somebody who's educated.
These aren't relaxationmassages, just to let everyone
(09:26):
know they hurt.
Ben Morton (09:29):
You know I find myself ready and going to see
and her name is Zara.
Huge shout out to Zara, who'swho I go see, and she's amazing,
but it is not something.
It's not like a Swedish massage.
No no, maybe.
If that helps you maybe feelless adrenaline after this
injury, then go for that.
But I think your your spot onis finding that that good fit
(09:50):
for you.
Bella Paige (09:50):
Yeah, and like it's not a relaxation massage, it's
like a deep tissue type massagewhere they're really working in
knots and nerves and all thosetypes of things that could be
pinched or overdone, likeespecially in the neck.
I know there's a few thingsthat I've gotten done kind of
along with, like craniocacralwork too, and it's really helped
(10:10):
ease those things.
Actually, one technique I didwith a massage therapist for a
long time was pinpoint.
So what they would do is theywould find a knot in my back or
somewhere and they'd hold it andI would tell them what pain
would start in my head and itwould trigger instantly and I'd
say like a 10, like a 10 out of10 pain and they would work
(10:32):
around that and get it down to a5.
And then we would do a new spotand so it was just releasing
different parts of my body thatwas causing pain.
Because you might as well andyou carry a lot of tension when
you're ill in the mentallyaspect of it too Because, like
you know, your shoulders usuallysit too high, because you're
kind of protecting your head andyour body's just really tense a
(10:53):
lot of the time.
So that's not helping either.
So it's definitely a good wayto go, and so bow talks.
How has that been?
You're still doing it, so youare finding relief.
Ben Morton (11:02):
Yeah, In a huge area that I just recently realized
that it's helping is eye strain,Bella, Because last time I had
my visit at OHSU here in Oregonour Portland my appointment was
about two, three weeks laterthan it usually was, so it had
time to wear off and my abilityto look at screens had
diminished noticeably.
And then, once I had thoseinjections within a week's time
(11:25):
I was like, oh wow, my eyestrain's gotten better.
And I asked my neurologist Iwas like, is that a thing?
And she's like, absolutely,that is definitely an area where
this should be helping out.
So the injections themselves Idon't love.
You know, it feels like beestings, like 33, 34 little bee
stings.
It's definitely different thanI think, cosmetic bow talks I've
never had that done, but Iimagine that's just like two,
(11:46):
three, four pokes.
But then it's totally worth itfor the relief that I feel for
the next two, three months or so.
But yeah, eye strain and justkind of sensitivity to light and
it also just promoting thatrelaxation like you're talking
about.
I'm such an anxious person bynature and so anything that can
help me make those muscles andthe areas where I'm tensing up
(12:08):
just kind of relax is always,Always a huge benefit.
Bella Paige (12:12):
I think it's huge and so I really want to kind of
get into you know how yourconcussion is affecting some
different aspects of your life.
But before that we're going totake a quick break.
We have so many five starreviews coming in for the post
concussion cookbook on Amazon.
This cookbook was something Ihad been looking for.
It pairs nutritionalinformation specific to
(12:33):
concussion recovery with tipsfor symptoms, and the recipes
are delicious.
My husband and teenager lovedit too.
Very grateful to have thisresource.
If you bought the cookbook,make sure to leave a review and
if you haven't, make sure youfind yours on Amazon today.
I'll do the link in our episodedescription.
Welcome back to the postconcussion podcast with myself,
(12:53):
Bella Paige and today's repeatguest, Ben Morton.
So we've talked a little bitabout you know how you got
injured, of course, and you knowsome of the things that you've
been dealing with, like symptomsand things like that, and so
you kind of mentioned that yourconcussion is affecting your
life.
Do you think it's changed yourperspectives on life?
Like, how do you think havingyour concussion has changed how
(13:15):
you act now or how you see theworld?
I guess, wow.
Ben Morton (13:19):
I love that question , Bella, and I want to answer
that as best I can.
Let me think, you know, I think, Ben, before the concussion,
they happened to me when I was24 years old and at that time I
think my mind was like, hey, Ihave these relationships, I'm
taking stock of my friendshipswhich I feel like are at a good
place, I am living in asituation I'm comfortable in.
(13:41):
I think that Ben was still soanxious and kind of unstable in
ways that I didn't reallyrecognize at the time.
You know, I think I was justkind of racing through life and
you echo this so much, Bella, onyour platform but just slowing
life down, which I think isharder than ever, Even if you
don't have a concussion.
Right now it's probably you'rejust inundated with messages all
(14:02):
around and social media istaken over and all these pieces
that kind of add to the busynessof life.
But I think my perspective andI'm still working on this, I
don't want to purport that Ihave it figured out but I think
in those five, six, seven yearsnot really working, listening to
birds hanging out in myparents' backyard, taking long
(14:24):
walks, listening to music,really removing myself from that
work and worry cycle.
I think now it's my perspectiveI lean more easily into slowing
down.
And I think also justrelationships.
I think my perspective aroundrelationships, more than
anything, has evolved in areally positive way that I wish
(14:46):
I could have gone back and toldthe Ben at the time.
There's a silver lining here.
That's.
The piece, too is I'm justlearning how hard it is to
assess these good parts in lifeand these bad parts, Because
when I had the head injury, myresponse to everyone else's knee
jerk response is this is aterrible thing, and not to say
that they're good things.
But I wish I could roll the tapesometimes on the life where I
(15:10):
didn't run into that lightfixture and see what Ben's doing
, because my fear would be thatBen is still just anxiously
running through life and nottaking on the responsibilities
that maybe he should take on, orhe's just still settling for
surface-level relationships.
And I feel like I've been ableto connect more deeply with my
beautiful partner Rihanna, myfriends now my family members.
(15:32):
So that pain, which issomething we all experience,
whether it's a head injury ornot, it lies to you, but the way
to get out of that hole is justconnected with other people,
and I think that's my biggestperspective shift is like hey,
you can connect with otherpeople who've been to that abyss
, or maybe who haven't, but youcan start to speak with them in
(15:55):
an arena that lends itself tomore meaning, I think.
Bella Paige (15:59):
Yeah, I really like that.
You added the little.
You don't have it figured outand I think it's important that
people realize that, likesometimes people think I have
this really figured out, that'sreally not the case, like for
example a few days before werecorded this, I've been going
to the gym and so I had a pot'sflare up at the gym.
(16:20):
So I'm like doing step ups witha holding weight just onto a box
, up and down, and all of asudden my heart rate's like 198.
And I'm like, oh, like thewhole world's spinning and I
like sit down and I'm like whatdid I do?
Like, why am I having a pot'sflare up?
Like you know, I'm pretty goodwith managing it and sometimes
things happen.
(16:40):
It don't matter how much weprepare, how much we try to
manage all these health thingsand all these things that are
life.
Sometimes you can't control itall, and so I just had to like
end my workout a little earlyand just kind of, you know,
relax, lay on the floor after,get my heart rate to relax, and
then, you know, move on.
And you know I've had pots flareups where it's way worse.
(17:02):
Even one of my girlfriends waslike, oh, did you need to like
get a ride home?
And I'm like, no, that wasactually okay.
She's like, oh, like, if youneeded a ride home, you could
have called me.
And I'm like I know I couldhave.
Thank you, because, like, doesanyone want to call someone for
a ride home from the gym?
No, does it happen?
Sure, and could anybody elsetell that's what I was going
through at the gym?
Definitely not.
(17:22):
I just looked like, I was likeout of shape, you know and I am,
but it's like?
Ben Morton (17:26):
no, I am.
And do you find it hard onyourself, like, like, just in an
unfair way to yourself?
Bella Paige (17:33):
Oh yeah, it's like the pots flare ups happening.
I'm like, oh, like I got tofinish my sets, Like you know,
it's just like in your head.
Like oh, but I had like otherexercises planned and I'm like,
do I do them, Do I not?
So I cut out my whole cardiofor the day Because, like,
that's obviously not going tohelp my heart rate at all.
So you know it's okay and it'sokay to change the plan.
(17:55):
I think that's like the biggestthing that really does also
happen after a concussion isit's okay, Because I think we
get really stuck on this.
Like you know, life has thisset of rules that you're
supposed to walk through thesesteps, but it doesn't always
work out that way.
And I like that you mentionedthe ability to relax, because
just in support group yesterdayactually, we had a member say
(18:17):
well, how do you do that?
And I'm like, what do you mean?
Because I've been crochetinggifts Just like.
Well, how do you do that?
And not feel guilty?
And I'm like feel guilty aboutwhat she's like, about not doing
like therapy and like focusingon, like you know, things that
I'm supposed to be doing.
And I'm like who said you'renot supposed to do it?
(18:37):
Like you know, it's okay to doa puzzle at night or, you know,
skip your physical therapy oneday and take care of your mental
health, Because I think that'slike.
The other thing is we get sofocused on taking care of our
health that we forget that ourhealth has two parts, and so we
really have to address that aswell.
And the last thing youmentioned was just that
connecting thing, and Iunderstand that more than I
(18:59):
think I could even describe,because that's exactly what this
podcast has done.
It's exactly what CongestionConnect has done.
It's exactly what, like youmentioned, all these social
media messages has done is I getpeople more than I ever thought
I would ever understand someone.
Ever Like I don't think I everreally thought of people the way
I think of them now on, likeall the different things they
(19:20):
could be going through, eventhough I talk to them every day.
Ben Morton (19:25):
Yeah, I think trying not to beat yourself up in the
midst of this injury is one ofthe hardest parts, and in reli I
mean, I'm still figuring thatout Even before my injury it's
like how do I relax in thisworld?
How do I feel, um, establishedany form of like equanimity in
this like chaotic life, and thenthis injury happens and it just
(19:47):
further removes you from thatpossibility.
And then I just do the thingand it sounds like you do and so
many other people who have thisinjury where it's just this
really ugly spiral where it'slike, oh, I can't do this
exercise that I used to be ableto do or that would come more
easily to me, and then I beatmyself up over that and then
lightning strikes again somepoint down the road where I then
(20:09):
beat myself up and feel shameor frustrations there.
So it's, that's a dailypractice.
I feel like I have to put a lotof executive function and
conscious effort into nottearing myself down.
Bella Paige (20:23):
Yeah, I agree it really goes with that, like it's
not giving up, it's just doingsomething else, because I think
a lot of time we are in programthat it's giving up.
Like I think we're raised likethis, like society kind of does
this like in school, if youdon't complete something you're
giving up.
But it's not always the case,and I think that's one of the
biggest problems is like youknow you get sick and you don't
(20:46):
complete this.
You don't do that.
My symptoms flare up at the gym.
I don't finish my workout.
Your symptoms could flare up atwork.
You don't finish something.
They flare up cooking, cleaning, you know daily tasks, going
for a walk.
You know you go for a walk andyou have to cut it short, all
these types of things.
And so we feel like we'regiving up.
But we have to look at itdifferently.
We have to look that we'retaking care of ourselves instead
(21:08):
, you know, but that doesn'thappen overnight.
I would have used to get so mad.
You know, it happened at thegym and even in my head.
Even after all these years I'mlike oh, maybe, maybe not.
Like I have to like kind ofquestion, like think it through,
like do we keep going, do wenot?
And then I'm like no, likewe're going to stop, we're going
to go home.
And I didn't get upset about it.
(21:29):
But I used to Like before thatwould have ruined my week.
I would have been so upset thatI was done.
Ben Morton (21:37):
Absolutely.
This made me think Bella of Iremember when I was really down
on myself.
I had downloaded the Calm appand I was doing like a 30 days
like a meditation package.
God, I forget the guy's name,he's great.
But there was one episode and Ithink it was called like self
love bomb and in it he was justlike mentioned how you should
(21:59):
talk to yourself and he's likethe way I look at it is, I just
have like little me who's likeit's okay, little buddy, like
you're going to be okay, andsometimes that's how I now have
to speak to me.
And also, in conjunction withthat, maybe identifying the
double standard, where it's like, if you came to me, bella, and
you're like, hey, today I have aheadache, or today I can't do
this Exercise, I'm just feelingnot well, I'd be like, oh my
(22:20):
gosh, bella, what can I do tohelp out?
Or and don't be yourself upabout it Whereas if it happened
to me, I'd be so harsh and socritical and crying to not be
saddled with that.
That sort of approach is hard.
Bella Paige (22:36):
For sure.
And so what are you up to today?
We talked about it a little bitbefore we started recording,
but how is life going?
Ben Morton (22:45):
You know life's going well.
I still struggle every day withsymptoms, but I think if you
looked at it on paper, comparedto Ben three, four years ago, it
would look like a miracle,because you'd be looking at a
guy who was unemployed, wasliving with his parents and not
to say these are bad things.
That was just what was neededat that time in this injury, and
(23:05):
if you're in that place, that'swhat you need as well.
But right now, in the last twoyears since we last spoke, me
and my partner, we bought ahouse in Portland, which was
really exciting.
It's like 115 years old.
So every week is us trying tofix that sticky wicket that's
causing us headaches.
But we got a dog named Turtle.
That's probably been one of themost exciting things that's
(23:26):
happened since we last spoke.
She is pure chaos, but also sosweet, and if you would have
told Ben four or five years agothat he'd have a dog ever and
that that would be aresponsibility that he was
welcoming into his life, Iwouldn't have believed you.
And so just to love that dog aswell as I do, my partner and my
(23:46):
family.
I'm spending a lot of time withthem.
I'm probably working more thanI should.
I think that's maybe aresolution I have for 2024,
which is trying to establish abetter work life balance,
because I have my head in acomputer again more than I would
like, and so that's reallyexciting on the basis of me
(24:06):
being able to do that again, butalso just kind of not what
life's about.
So, and outside of that, I wishI could report other things.
Bella Paige (24:14):
I that's all great.
There doesn't need to be lifeLike.
I think sometimes people forget.
But like.
People always ask me like, oh,like what's your favorite thing
about a relationship?
And I say the everyday stuff.
And they're always like, whatdo you mean?
I'm like I love going to thegrocery store together.
I love waking up on the weekendtogether and making breakfast
(24:34):
or making dinner and handingthings across the house, like I
love sitting in the garage whilemy partner works on whatever
he's working on.
I love that stuff.
Like it doesn't always have tobe.
I think we social media doesthis.
We picture life as like thesebig grand events, but I love the
like.
What people would consider themundane, like everyday little
(24:56):
things are my favorite part andI think learning to love those
things makes life just 1000times better.
And so you've shared a lot, andI'm so grateful that you've
come back on the show because itmeans so much to me and I'm
sure listeners are really goingto love getting a follow up from
you.
And so is there anything elseyou would like to add before we
(25:17):
end today's episode?
Ben Morton (25:18):
You know, I just want to thank you, bella.
You are an inspiration to me.
It's just an honor to be backwith you and I was thinking
about this morning before wespoke.
It's like I get to speak withmy friend Bella again and get to
share the space with each other, which is so exciting and, I
think, just for anyone listening, as I hope I emphasize last
time it's just really becompassionate toward yourself as
(25:41):
best you can.
And this injury we say it allthe time, I hear it here all the
time it's nonlinear.
There's going to be ups anddowns, there's going to be
twists and turns, but eventuallyyou're going to get to a place
where it's like, wow, thisplateau is imperfect where I'm
at now, but it's infinitelybetter from where I used to be,
and you're going to love theversion of you that didn't give
(26:03):
up.
So just take it easy onyourself.
I'm going to try to do the sameand we'll make a pact.
Bella Paige (26:08):
I love that.
Well, thank you so much forjoining us today and sharing
again.
Ben Morton (26:13):
No, thank you, Bella .
It's always a pleasure and it'sjust the best.
Bella Paige (26:18):
Need more than just this podcast.
Be sure to check out ourwebsite postconcussioninkcom, to
see how we can help you in yourpost concussion life, from a
support network to one-on-onecoaching.
I believe life can get betterbecause I've lived through it.
Make sure you take it one dayat a time.
Hi everyone.
I'm your host, Bella Paige, andafter suffering from
post-concussion syndrome foryears, it was time to do
something about it.
So welcome to thePost-Concussion Podcast, where
we dig deep into life when itdoesn't go back to normal.
Be sure to share the podcastand join our support network,
Concussion Connect.
Let's make this invisibleinjury become visible.
(00:26):
The Post-Concussion Podcast isstrictly an information podcast
about concussions andpost-concussion syndrome.
It does not provide norsubstitute for professional
medical advice, diagnosis ortreatment.
Always seek the advice of yourphysician or another qualified
health provider with anyquestions you may have regarding
a medical condition.
(00:47):
Never disregard professionalmedical advice or delay in
seeking it because of somethingyou have heard on this podcast.
The opinions expressed in thispodcast are simply intended to
spark discussion aboutconcussions and post-concussion
syndrome.
Welcome to episode number 127 ofthe Post-Concussion Podcast,
(01:08):
with myself, Bella PaIge andtoday's repeat guest, Ben Morton
.
Before you listen to today'sepisode, make sure you go back
to episode number 63.
This is our first follow-upwith a survivor.
Ben suffered a concussion whileon a work trip in 2015.
Seven years later, he is back,living in Portland, oregon with
(01:28):
his partner, Reanna, and theirpuppy Turtle.
Ben has re-entered theworkforce after a long journey
of recovery and even though he'snot completely symptom-free,
he's cherishing the smallvictories that fell out of reach
for so long.
After bemoaning the hard partsof this injury for years, ben is
taking solace in acknowledgingthe beautiful relationships that
(01:49):
have emerged as a result of hisinjury.
Welcome back, ben.
Ben Morton (01:54):
Hey, thanks for having me back, Bella.
It's great to be here.
Bella Paige (01:57):
So we're going to start with you kind of going
back into your concussionexperience for everyone.
Do you want to talk a littlebit about what that was?
Ben Morton (02:07):
Yeah, so I don't want to repeat myself from what
I said last time.
But, in short, my concussionexperience dates back to 2015.
I was in New York City on awork trip and I'd run into a
steel light fixture.
It was something at the timethat really shook me up, but for
the most part I was under theimpression I was going to get
(02:29):
better and I finished out thatwork trip.
I was having headaches,sensitivity to light, nausea,
myriad symptoms that again, Ithought were just subside when I
returned back to Portland.
But they didn't.
So I returned back to Portland,tried to continue working.
That proved to be too difficultand that's when things really
(02:52):
kind of swept me up into thetornado of having that injury,
which was living with my parentsfor gosh five, six years.
Last time we spoke I just kindof was at the tail end of that
point and re-entering theworkforce.
But it's been a heck of ajourney and I now look out for
all steel light fixtures and I'ma clumsy human by nature, but
(03:15):
I'm definitely on higher alertthan.
I was before.
Bella Paige (03:19):
It's that, the moving back.
I remember we did talk about itbefore.
It's really challenging to movelike you've made.
This accomplishment of movingout and then moving back in is
like a lot of people have to doit.
We have tons of survivors inGenghishth and K'nak that have
either moved in with friends,family members, older
individuals who have moved backin with their kids because
(03:41):
they're not working anymore andmaybe they're older, they're at
the end of their career but theydon't really like what else are
they going to do?
These types of challenges comeup, and so it's been a while.
By the time this comes out,it'll be not two years, but
pretty close to when we recordedat least your last episode.
So how are you doing,symptom-wise, since we last
(04:02):
talked?
Ben Morton (04:04):
You know I'm doing okay symptom-wise.
Well, last time we spoke I gotto be honest I'm sure I sounded
more confident than I shouldhave, but I thought I was going
to crash and burn.
So I got hired for this jobthat I had to explain this long,
long work gap.
I was probably the mostsurprised by that job offer and
I was like, okay, I guess I'lltry it.
(04:24):
And I went into really having afear of looking at screens for
long periods of time, the longhours kind of sitting at a desk,
seeing how my neck pain wasgoing to respond to that the
first week I almost did crashand burn.
I wasn't sleeping and I waskind of getting so inside my
head on it I was like, oh mygosh, I don't think I'm going to
be able to do this.
I'm going to have to bow out.
(04:44):
And then my mind went to thatplace.
If I'm probably going to goback living with my parents, I'm
going to lose my partner,rihanna, and my new living
situation.
And one thing I will say onthat is that if you are living
with your parents or you're in asituation that maybe isn't the
most conventional to where maybepeople expect you to be at in
your life.
I felt so much shame andhumiliation around that and it's
(05:06):
weird now, bella, because Iwouldn't give that up In fact,
that's one of the most beautifulthings that that injury
afforded me was time with myparents that I find now that I'm
back in this kind of work andworry cycle of life that I long
for and I anyways I don't wantto get too off track there but
my symptoms, my eye strain, isstill there.
So looking at screens eight,nine, 10 hours a day as I do,
(05:29):
that's definitely a huge painpoint that I'm trying to sort
out and remedy.
My neck pain is is definitelystill there, but I have some new
approaches that I'm taking.
Maybe we can get into thatlater.
But yeah, my symptoms are at aplateau where it's livable, but
certainly always striving tomake my quality life even better
(05:51):
.
Bella Paige (05:51):
For sure.
I think that's pretty likethat's where a lot of people I
think end up is like it's kindof symptoms get better and get
better, and then they havesymptoms but they can live with
them, which I think is a goodplace.
It's not a bad place to get.
It's still frustrating,especially when you've had like
a concussion and I've had over10.
(06:11):
So sometimes, like to me, it'slike it makes sense.
You know, like I've been hurtso many times and like I've had
more concussions than that.
So like in my head I can do themath.
I think when you've had onereally bad incident or one small
one, you're like it seems likea lot more.
But you know, I'd like that youmentioned the family benefit
aspect because I think that isone thing people share a lot in
(06:34):
our community about how the onething they've loved about this,
if they had to pick something,was that it made them slow down
on life.
Right, because it kind of makesyou you have to like physically
, mentally, everything.
So it really does make you slowdown and kind of look at things
differently and definitelygives you a different
perspective on life and thingslike that.
(06:55):
And so you mentioned doingdifferent things for your neck
and for symptoms.
So what?
What have you been doing?
Ben Morton (07:03):
So I've become the biggest believer, Bella, in
massage therapy, which issomething I don't think I was
really doing that last time wespoke, and not that I hadn't
tried it, but it was somethingwhere I always kind of dabbled
in it and maybe saw massagetherapists once or twice within
like two weeks or a month's timeand I was like, you know, it's
not really helping.
There's some relief in themoment, but it just doesn't
(07:23):
provide any respite from thatpain outside of those visits.
But massage therapy and andagain, I feel really lucky that
that my employer and my healthbenefits afford me that.
But I now am on kind of aschedule where I get a massage
at least once a month, if nottwice a month, and I'm getting
chiropractic care kind of inconjunction with that and I
(07:47):
would recommend it.
And it feels like a chore attimes because it's like, oh my
gosh, tuesday nights I got to godo this after a workday.
But if I don't, in fact if Itake a week off or a month off,
that pain comes back in a waywhere it's like, oh, it's clear,
clearly the culprit is me notkind of staying steadfast to
this, this regimen.
So for anyone listening who'shad any hesitance around massage
(08:11):
therapy or chiropractic care,please don't, please jump in
there.
And then I'm also, every threemonths, getting Botox, kind of
Botox for migraines.
That is something I've beendoing for, I think, since 2018,
which I failed to mention lasttime we spoke, and I remember
beating myself up.
I was like, oh shoot, I forgotthis one piece, this nugget.
That's helped immensely.
(08:32):
So, and that's really kind ofmy toolbox right now, which is
massage therapy, chiropracticcare, and then getting those
those Botox injections aboutfour times a year.
Bella Paige (08:42):
I love massage therapy.
I sometimes forget how well itworks until I get a massage and
I'm like, oh, wow, like it'sgone, especially because I don't
really deal with severeheadaches anymore.
But, for example, I injured myarm really bad last year, twice
my shoulder, and so I tore allthe muscles in it and I couldn't
sleep on that arm since I haddone it and I had always slept
(09:05):
on that side.
And so I finally mentioned itwhen I went for a massage one
day and he like did something inmy arm like you know, found
whatever, and then I could sleepon it.
Ever since it's been fine andit's like all these things, but
it is really important to gofind somebody who's educated.
These aren't relaxationmassages, just to let everyone
(09:26):
know they hurt.
Ben Morton (09:29):
You know I find myself ready and going to see
and her name is Zara.
Huge shout out to Zara, who'swho I go see, and she's amazing,
but it is not something.
It's not like a Swedish massage.
No no, maybe.
If that helps you maybe feelless adrenaline after this
injury, then go for that.
But I think your your spot onis finding that that good fit
(09:50):
for you.
Bella Paige (09:50):
Yeah, and like it's not a relaxation massage, it's
like a deep tissue type massagewhere they're really working in
knots and nerves and all thosetypes of things that could be
pinched or overdone, likeespecially in the neck.
I know there's a few thingsthat I've gotten done kind of
along with, like craniocacralwork too, and it's really helped
(10:10):
ease those things.
Actually, one technique I didwith a massage therapist for a
long time was pinpoint.
So what they would do is theywould find a knot in my back or
somewhere and they'd hold it andI would tell them what pain
would start in my head and itwould trigger instantly and I'd
say like a 10, like a 10 out of10 pain and they would work
(10:32):
around that and get it down to a5.
And then we would do a new spotand so it was just releasing
different parts of my body thatwas causing pain.
Because you might as well andyou carry a lot of tension when
you're ill in the mentallyaspect of it too Because, like
you know, your shoulders usuallysit too high, because you're
kind of protecting your head andyour body's just really tense a
(10:53):
lot of the time.
So that's not helping either.
So it's definitely a good wayto go, and so bow talks.
How has that been?
You're still doing it, so youare finding relief.
Ben Morton (11:02):
Yeah, In a huge area that I just recently realized
that it's helping is eye strain,Bella, Because last time I had
my visit at OHSU here in Oregonour Portland my appointment was
about two, three weeks laterthan it usually was, so it had
time to wear off and my abilityto look at screens had
diminished noticeably.
And then, once I had thoseinjections within a week's time
(11:25):
I was like, oh wow, my eyestrain's gotten better.
And I asked my neurologist Iwas like, is that a thing?
And she's like, absolutely,that is definitely an area where
this should be helping out.
So the injections themselves Idon't love.
You know, it feels like beestings, like 33, 34 little bee
stings.
It's definitely different thanI think, cosmetic bow talks I've
never had that done, but Iimagine that's just like two,
(11:46):
three, four pokes.
But then it's totally worth itfor the relief that I feel for
the next two, three months or so.
But yeah, eye strain and justkind of sensitivity to light and
it also just promoting thatrelaxation like you're talking
about.
I'm such an anxious person bynature and so anything that can
help me make those muscles andthe areas where I'm tensing up
(12:08):
just kind of relax is always,Always a huge benefit.
Bella Paige (12:12):
I think it's huge and so I really want to kind of
get into you know how yourconcussion is affecting some
different aspects of your life.
But before that we're going totake a quick break.
We have so many five starreviews coming in for the post
concussion cookbook on Amazon.
This cookbook was something Ihad been looking for.
It pairs nutritionalinformation specific to
(12:33):
concussion recovery with tipsfor symptoms, and the recipes
are delicious.
My husband and teenager lovedit too.
Very grateful to have thisresource.
If you bought the cookbook,make sure to leave a review and
if you haven't, make sure youfind yours on Amazon today.
I'll do the link in our episodedescription.
Welcome back to the postconcussion podcast with myself,
(12:53):
Bella Paige and today's repeatguest, Ben Morton.
So we've talked a little bitabout you know how you got
injured, of course, and you knowsome of the things that you've
been dealing with, like symptomsand things like that, and so
you kind of mentioned that yourconcussion is affecting your
life.
Do you think it's changed yourperspectives on life?
Like, how do you think havingyour concussion has changed how
(13:15):
you act now or how you see theworld?
I guess, wow.
Ben Morton (13:19):
I love that question , Bella, and I want to answer
that as best I can.
Let me think, you know, I think, Ben, before the concussion,
they happened to me when I was24 years old and at that time I
think my mind was like, hey, Ihave these relationships, I'm
taking stock of my friendshipswhich I feel like are at a good
place, I am living in asituation I'm comfortable in.
(13:41):
I think that Ben was still soanxious and kind of unstable in
ways that I didn't reallyrecognize at the time.
You know, I think I was justkind of racing through life and
you echo this so much, Bella, onyour platform but just slowing
life down, which I think isharder than ever, Even if you
don't have a concussion.
Right now it's probably you'rejust inundated with messages all
(14:02):
around and social media istaken over and all these pieces
that kind of add to the busynessof life.
But I think my perspective andI'm still working on this, I
don't want to purport that Ihave it figured out but I think
in those five, six, seven yearsnot really working, listening to
birds hanging out in myparents' backyard, taking long
(14:24):
walks, listening to music,really removing myself from that
work and worry cycle.
I think now it's my perspectiveI lean more easily into slowing
down.
And I think also justrelationships.
I think my perspective aroundrelationships, more than
anything, has evolved in areally positive way that I wish
(14:46):
I could have gone back and toldthe Ben at the time.
There's a silver lining here.
That's.
The piece, too is I'm justlearning how hard it is to
assess these good parts in lifeand these bad parts, Because
when I had the head injury, myresponse to everyone else's knee
jerk response is this is aterrible thing, and not to say
that they're good things.
But I wish I could roll the tapesometimes on the life where I
(15:10):
didn't run into that lightfixture and see what Ben's doing
, because my fear would be thatBen is still just anxiously
running through life and nottaking on the responsibilities
that maybe he should take on, orhe's just still settling for
surface-level relationships.
And I feel like I've been ableto connect more deeply with my
beautiful partner Rihanna, myfriends now my family members.
(15:32):
So that pain, which issomething we all experience,
whether it's a head injury ornot, it lies to you, but the way
to get out of that hole is justconnected with other people,
and I think that's my biggestperspective shift is like hey,
you can connect with otherpeople who've been to that abyss
, or maybe who haven't, but youcan start to speak with them in
(15:55):
an arena that lends itself tomore meaning, I think.
Bella Paige (15:59):
Yeah, I really like that.
You added the little.
You don't have it figured outand I think it's important that
people realize that, likesometimes people think I have
this really figured out, that'sreally not the case, like for
example a few days before werecorded this, I've been going
to the gym and so I had a pot'sflare up at the gym.
(16:20):
So I'm like doing step ups witha holding weight just onto a box
, up and down, and all of asudden my heart rate's like 198.
And I'm like, oh, like thewhole world's spinning and I
like sit down and I'm like whatdid I do?
Like, why am I having a pot'sflare up?
Like you know, I'm pretty goodwith managing it and sometimes
things happen.
(16:40):
It don't matter how much weprepare, how much we try to
manage all these health thingsand all these things that are
life.
Sometimes you can't control itall, and so I just had to like
end my workout a little earlyand just kind of, you know,
relax, lay on the floor after,get my heart rate to relax, and
then, you know, move on.
And you know I've had pots flareups where it's way worse.
(17:02):
Even one of my girlfriends waslike, oh, did you need to like
get a ride home?
And I'm like, no, that wasactually okay.
She's like, oh, like, if youneeded a ride home, you could
have called me.
And I'm like I know I couldhave.
Thank you, because, like, doesanyone want to call someone for
a ride home from the gym?
No, does it happen?
Sure, and could anybody elsetell that's what I was going
through at the gym?
Definitely not.
(17:22):
I just looked like, I was likeout of shape, you know and I am,
but it's like?
Ben Morton (17:26):
no, I am.
And do you find it hard onyourself, like, like, just in an
unfair way to yourself?
Bella Paige (17:33):
Oh yeah, it's like the pots flare ups happening.
I'm like, oh, like I got tofinish my sets, Like you know,
it's just like in your head.
Like oh, but I had like otherexercises planned and I'm like,
do I do them, Do I not?
So I cut out my whole cardiofor the day Because, like,
that's obviously not going tohelp my heart rate at all.
So you know it's okay and it'sokay to change the plan.
(17:55):
I think that's like the biggestthing that really does also
happen after a concussion isit's okay, Because I think we
get really stuck on this.
Like you know, life has thisset of rules that you're
supposed to walk through thesesteps, but it doesn't always
work out that way.
And I like that you mentionedthe ability to relax, because
just in support group yesterdayactually, we had a member say
(18:17):
well, how do you do that?
And I'm like, what do you mean?
Because I've been crochetinggifts Just like.
Well, how do you do that?
And not feel guilty?
And I'm like feel guilty aboutwhat she's like, about not doing
like therapy and like focusingon, like you know, things that
I'm supposed to be doing.
And I'm like who said you'renot supposed to do it?
(18:37):
Like you know, it's okay to doa puzzle at night or, you know,
skip your physical therapy oneday and take care of your mental
health, Because I think that'slike.
The other thing is we get sofocused on taking care of our
health that we forget that ourhealth has two parts, and so we
really have to address that aswell.
And the last thing youmentioned was just that
connecting thing, and Iunderstand that more than I
(18:59):
think I could even describe,because that's exactly what this
podcast has done.
It's exactly what CongestionConnect has done.
It's exactly what, like youmentioned, all these social
media messages has done is I getpeople more than I ever thought
I would ever understand someone.
Ever Like I don't think I everreally thought of people the way
I think of them now on, likeall the different things they
(19:20):
could be going through, eventhough I talk to them every day.
Ben Morton (19:25):
Yeah, I think trying not to beat yourself up in the
midst of this injury is one ofthe hardest parts, and in reli I
mean, I'm still figuring thatout Even before my injury it's
like how do I relax in thisworld?
How do I feel, um, establishedany form of like equanimity in
this like chaotic life, and thenthis injury happens and it just
(19:47):
further removes you from thatpossibility.
And then I just do the thingand it sounds like you do and so
many other people who have thisinjury where it's just this
really ugly spiral where it'slike, oh, I can't do this
exercise that I used to be ableto do or that would come more
easily to me, and then I beatmyself up over that and then
lightning strikes again somepoint down the road where I then
(20:09):
beat myself up and feel shameor frustrations there.
So it's, that's a dailypractice.
I feel like I have to put a lotof executive function and
conscious effort into nottearing myself down.
Bella Paige (20:23):
Yeah, I agree it really goes with that, like it's
not giving up, it's just doingsomething else, because I think
a lot of time we are in programthat it's giving up.
Like I think we're raised likethis, like society kind of does
this like in school, if youdon't complete something you're
giving up.
But it's not always the case,and I think that's one of the
biggest problems is like youknow you get sick and you don't
(20:46):
complete this.
You don't do that.
My symptoms flare up at the gym.
I don't finish my workout.
Your symptoms could flare up atwork.
You don't finish something.
They flare up cooking, cleaning, you know daily tasks, going
for a walk.
You know you go for a walk andyou have to cut it short, all
these types of things.
And so we feel like we'regiving up.
But we have to look at itdifferently.
We have to look that we'retaking care of ourselves instead
(21:08):
, you know, but that doesn'thappen overnight.
I would have used to get so mad.
You know, it happened at thegym and even in my head.
Even after all these years I'mlike oh, maybe, maybe not.
Like I have to like kind ofquestion, like think it through,
like do we keep going, do wenot?
And then I'm like no, likewe're going to stop, we're going
to go home.
And I didn't get upset about it.
(21:29):
But I used to Like before thatwould have ruined my week.
I would have been so upset thatI was done.
Ben Morton (21:37):
Absolutely.
This made me think Bella of Iremember when I was really down
on myself.
I had downloaded the Calm appand I was doing like a 30 days
like a meditation package.
God, I forget the guy's name,he's great.
But there was one episode and Ithink it was called like self
love bomb and in it he was justlike mentioned how you should
(21:59):
talk to yourself and he's likethe way I look at it is, I just
have like little me who's likeit's okay, little buddy, like
you're going to be okay, andsometimes that's how I now have
to speak to me.
And also, in conjunction withthat, maybe identifying the
double standard, where it's like, if you came to me, bella, and
you're like, hey, today I have aheadache, or today I can't do
this Exercise, I'm just feelingnot well, I'd be like, oh my
(22:20):
gosh, bella, what can I do tohelp out?
Or and don't be yourself upabout it Whereas if it happened
to me, I'd be so harsh and socritical and crying to not be
saddled with that.
That sort of approach is hard.
Bella Paige (22:36):
For sure.
And so what are you up to today?
We talked about it a little bitbefore we started recording,
but how is life going?
Ben Morton (22:45):
You know life's going well.
I still struggle every day withsymptoms, but I think if you
looked at it on paper, comparedto Ben three, four years ago, it
would look like a miracle,because you'd be looking at a
guy who was unemployed, wasliving with his parents and not
to say these are bad things.
That was just what was neededat that time in this injury, and
(23:05):
if you're in that place, that'swhat you need as well.
But right now, in the last twoyears since we last spoke, me
and my partner, we bought ahouse in Portland, which was
really exciting.
It's like 115 years old.
So every week is us trying tofix that sticky wicket that's
causing us headaches.
But we got a dog named Turtle.
That's probably been one of themost exciting things that's
(23:26):
happened since we last spoke.
She is pure chaos, but also sosweet, and if you would have
told Ben four or five years agothat he'd have a dog ever and
that that would be aresponsibility that he was
welcoming into his life, Iwouldn't have believed you.
And so just to love that dog aswell as I do, my partner and my
(23:46):
family.
I'm spending a lot of time withthem.
I'm probably working more thanI should.
I think that's maybe aresolution I have for 2024,
which is trying to establish abetter work life balance,
because I have my head in acomputer again more than I would
like, and so that's reallyexciting on the basis of me
(24:06):
being able to do that again, butalso just kind of not what
life's about.
So, and outside of that, I wishI could report other things.
Bella Paige (24:14):
I that's all great.
There doesn't need to be lifeLike.
I think sometimes people forget.
But like.
People always ask me like, oh,like what's your favorite thing
about a relationship?
And I say the everyday stuff.
And they're always like, whatdo you mean?
I'm like I love going to thegrocery store together.
I love waking up on the weekendtogether and making breakfast
(24:34):
or making dinner and handingthings across the house, like I
love sitting in the garage whilemy partner works on whatever
he's working on.
I love that stuff.
Like it doesn't always have tobe.
I think we social media doesthis.
We picture life as like thesebig grand events, but I love the
like.
What people would consider themundane, like everyday little
(24:56):
things are my favorite part andI think learning to love those
things makes life just 1000times better.
And so you've shared a lot, andI'm so grateful that you've
come back on the show because itmeans so much to me and I'm
sure listeners are really goingto love getting a follow up from
you.
And so is there anything elseyou would like to add before we
(25:17):
end today's episode?
Ben Morton (25:18):
You know, I just want to thank you, bella.
You are an inspiration to me.
It's just an honor to be backwith you and I was thinking
about this morning before wespoke.
It's like I get to speak withmy friend Bella again and get to
share the space with each other, which is so exciting and, I
think, just for anyone listening, as I hope I emphasize last
time it's just really becompassionate toward yourself as
(25:41):
best you can.
And this injury we say it allthe time, I hear it here all the
time it's nonlinear.
There's going to be ups anddowns, there's going to be
twists and turns, but eventuallyyou're going to get to a place
where it's like, wow, thisplateau is imperfect where I'm
at now, but it's infinitelybetter from where I used to be,
and you're going to love theversion of you that didn't give
(26:03):
up.
So just take it easy onyourself.
I'm going to try to do the sameand we'll make a pact.
Bella Paige (26:08):
I love that.
Well, thank you so much forjoining us today and sharing
again.
Ben Morton (26:13):
No, thank you, Bella .
It's always a pleasure and it'sjust the best.
Bella Paige (26:18):
Need more than just this podcast.
Be sure to check out ourwebsite postconcussioninkcom, to
see how we can help you in yourpost concussion life, from a
support network to one-on-onecoaching.
I believe life can get betterbecause I've lived through it.
Make sure you take it one dayat a time.
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