October 10, 2023 • 22 mins
Are you trapped in the vicious cycle of self-sabotage? Imagine turning your perceived flaws into your greatest gifts. This episode is all about breaking free from that negative pattern, shedding the shame that's been holding you back, and learning to love and appreciate yourself, scars and all. In this episode you'll learn a unique four-step process to help you see your flaws as your super powers.
Do you find yourself avoiding confrontations or procrastinating? These behaviors, deeply rooted in our beliefs, can significantly impact our self-confidence and keep us stuck in self-sabotage. But, what if we told you that you could transform these behaviors into your secret superpowers and use your unique strengths to your advantage? This episode will help you identify these hidden strengths and gives you the tools to harness them. Whether you choose to work with me one-on-one or utilize these tools on your own, this journey will lead you to feeling a whole lot more confident. Get ready to embrace your individuality and turn your flaws into gifts.
If you're hiding from your sexual health (like I've done) Mistr is an excellent judgement free resource. You can get tested for HIV & STIs for FREE in all 50 states, D.C. and Puerto Rico. Everything is handled online and through your at home test kit. No doctor's office, no needles, no paperwork and free delivery. And you can even get PrEP totally free with or without insurance.
Mistr is for all adults 18 and older. And Mistr can provide you with care no matter what your HIV status is.
Mentioned in this episode:
Episode 51 - Edging
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Coach Alex Ray (00:00):
Hello, my unicorns, welcome back.
It's just you and me today, andI'm really excited about having
this little chit chat with you.
We're going to talk about yourflaws and how those flaws, those
things that you're ashamed of,particularly self sabotage, is
(00:20):
our focus for today how thosethings are actually gifts and I
hope you don't even believe meright now, because I promise you
by the end of the episodeyou're going to understand what
I'm talking about and havingthis flip around, from these
things being your curses, thesethings being things that you're
(00:41):
ashamed of and stuck in that youhaven't been able to break,
you're going to get exactly whatyou need today in order to
break negative patterns and alsoappreciate, respect and love
yourself with these things youthink are flaws.
Before we go into it, we arerocking and rolling now with
(01:05):
episodes every week, and so Ijust wanted to give you all that
update.
I know a couple of like acouple months ago, I guess.
Yeah, back in.
Oh my gosh, when was thatAugust?
Yeah, I gave you all the updatethat I was back at the podcast
but was going to only be doingan episode every other week, and
I would wanted to clarify I amback at it every week and the
(01:28):
structure is now going to beswitching between solo and guest
episodes, and I picked thatstructure based on your feedback
in the Instagram channel.
So thank you so much to everysingle one of you who responded
to that poll in there.
This feels really good anddelightful to me.
(01:48):
It's got not too much pressureand too much content for me to
keep up on.
And hey, there might be weeksin here where I don't get to an
episode, a solo episode, and inthe spirit of everything that
we're doing here, I'm going tobe okay with that and I'll do my
(02:08):
best to let you know if that'sthe case.
Instagram, as you know, is themain channel to find anything
out.
But yeah, that's the deal.
We're going to switch off everyother episode.
One will be a guest someonefrom the LGBTQIA plus community
every now and then, someone whodoes not identify as queer but
whose input I think is reallygoing to be extremely useful for
(02:28):
you, and I am happy to announcethat I am booked out for the
rest of the year.
All the guest episodes arescheduled and booked, so, girl,
get ready.
I know all the guests for therest of the year and I'm fucking
thrilled for y'all to be ableto hear them.
So it's going to be justabsolutely amazing.
(02:51):
I'm so excited.
So let's see, was there anyother?
Oh, I know what I was going toask you as well.
Please keep giving your inputin the Instagram channel.
If you are not in there yet,you can go down to the show
notes and join the Instagramchannel.
That's where you can have inputon the podcast.
(03:13):
You can ask questions and youcan nominate guests, and I
really want your all help withthat.
Honestly, I want to know whichqueer celebrity guests you want
me to bring on the podcast and Iwill do my absolute best to
bring them on.
I also would love your help ingetting them to come on the
podcast.
Like next year, I would love tohave Trichsine Tell on the
(03:36):
podcast.
Who's with me?
Huh, that would be so much fun.
So I would love for you, if youhave a guest nomination, tell
me in the Instagram channel orthrough an Instagram direct
message and feel free to go andtell those people.
Hey, I want to hear from you onthe queer confidence podcast
(04:00):
and tag me in it so that theycan see and, hopefully, come on
in.
We're gonna.
We're no longer playing smalllittle league here Y'all.
I don't know, I don't knowsports metaphors.
Why am I even trying littleleague?
It took me so I stumbled didyou hear how much I stumbled
(04:20):
over my words for that?
Anyway, we're not doing thatanymore.
I'm excited to be bringing insome real big guests and
Promoting guests who I think,whether they have a even a small
audience or no audience at all,have valuable, incredible input
for you.
So here we go, on the up and upy'all.
(04:41):
We are Going.
Okay, let's get into it, shallwe?
I can you tell I'm a little, alittle, hyped up.
The main thing I want you to beable to walk away from today's
episode with is seeing how selfsabotage is Trying to get your
needs met, and when you knowwhat need you're trying to get
(05:02):
met, then we can also find howto actually Use the gift that
you're trying to use or the needthat you're trying to get met.
We can figure out how to getthat need met in a way that you
are proud of, and the needs thatyou're trying to get met,
you're gonna see, are actuallyversions of your own personal
(05:25):
superpowers.
So real quick, let's defineself sabotage.
Self sabotage refers to theunconscious or Deliberate
actions, thoughts or behaviorsthat hinder your own progress.
Success while being, orpersonal growth involves acting
against your own best interestsor goals, often due to
(05:46):
underlying psychological,emotional or behavioral patterns
.
In summary, all it's behavingin a way you aren't proud of in
the long run.
It's not simple, so let's lookat four common ways that I've
seen this show up for me in myown life and in my client's
lives.
(06:07):
The first one I call addicted toshit.
All right, addicted to shit iswhen you find yourself over and
over in abusive relationships orsituations that you know aren't
good for you, and, no matterhow many times you've Become
conscious of this, you don'tfeel like you have any power to
(06:29):
change this pattern for yourself.
Staying in a relationship whereyou're you are being
psychologically, physically oremotionally abused would be this
concept of what I'm talkingabout with being addicted to
shit.
So what I want to point out,though, for you and this is what
(06:51):
we're gonna do with all four ofthese is that there's some need
you're trying to get met.
If you're doing any of thesethings that seem like self
sabotage, there is a need, anunmet need, that you are trying
to fulfill.
For me, I have a history ofbeing in some toxic, god awful
(07:12):
relationships, and I had neverhad a relationship last more
than six months until my currentboyfriend and gosh.
We met almost a year and a halfago and are going strong, and
this is the key difference thatI'm about to tell you.
(07:33):
So the thing that I was tryingto get in all my past dramatic
relationships were thrills.
And I discovered this because Iwas in a coaching session and
the coach said to me when I wassaying, hey, I keep finding
myself in these dramaticrelationships and I want to know
how to get out of this pattern,what the hell is going on?
(07:56):
And she said to me well, youlike the drama.
And I got so pissed off y'all.
I was like excuse me, what areyou talking about?
I don't like the drama, but Ialso recognize that I'm having a
very strong reaction to thisright now, so I think there
might be something to whatyou're saying.
I Was like stop it, fuck you,but keep going, tell me more.
(08:21):
What do you?
Why do you think that?
And as we talked about it, shewas able to point out to me like
oh, what I'm enjoying aboutdramatic, tumultuous
Relationships is the thrill thatI get out of it so thrill.
(08:44):
I can use tons of other thingsto get thrills right.
I could go watch thrillermovies, which I happen to love.
I could go do like scaryhaunted house things, which I
love.
I could ride roller coasters orskydive all things that I love.
(09:04):
I could play sports, whichy'all know I'm not really all
that into.
I do really love soccer, though.
That really does it for me.
I could go I don't know.
There are a million otherthings Like oh, crossfit for me
for a while was a way of gettinga thrill through that kind of
(09:24):
adrenaline rush of achieving,achieving, achieving.
I don't really compete or doanything in CrossFit anymore,
but that is a way that I coulduse this energy, this thrill
need that I have in a way that'smuch more positive to me.
Or positive to me, yeah, yeah,that's a good word for it, but
(09:44):
y'all know what I mean.
All right, the second common waythat I see myself or clients
self-sabotaging is the fuck itmentality.
I'm gonna use another examplefor my own life for this one.
So the fuck it mentality isengaging in risky behavior
(10:05):
despite knowing the potentialnegative consequences of it.
For me, this was sex withoutprotection and not taking prep
for a while.
No slut shaming here.
I am all about all of youhaving as much and whatever kind
of delicious, amazing,authentic and consensual sex you
(10:30):
want, but what I'm talkingabout here is pushing it to this
, this space, where you're likeI know that there is a risk here
of either catching somethingthat could be long-term or
life-threatening.
(10:50):
Like I wasn't even going andgetting tested regularly when I
first started having sex, so,and I knew the risks right, I
was aware, but I also kind ofjust wanted to close my eyes and
ignore it.
Um, so that will go intoanother one of conflict of one
and Slater, but for now, thefuck it mentality is what we're
(11:11):
focusing on.
Uh, I also have had hookupswhere, okay, maybe all the like
STIs and everything were weretaken care of through protective
measures, but maybe I was goinginto scenarios that I didn't
really feel comfortable or safein.
I didn't really know the personall that well to the level that
(11:35):
I would actually feelcomfortable with, um, hooking up
with them.
Like I was intentionally kindof putting myself in these
scenarios where I was risky andfor me, again, that was that
thrill energy that I was seeking.
I was looking to get excitedbased on the potential for risk
(12:01):
here and again.
I'll circle back.
At the end we're going to talkabout how to use that thrill
differently, but I just want youto start seeing some patterns
here.
Hopefully you're starting tothink for yourself through these
scenarios of, hey, what fuck itmentality do you have?
What are some things in yourlife where you kind of
(12:22):
intentionally, knowing the risks, behave in a risky way that
could risk you, um, ending upwith a life that you don't
actually really want, like thiscould be in a job context, too.
You could be going to work lateintentionally in order to risk
(12:43):
having your supervisor ormanager contact you about like
hey, you need to start showingup at work on time.
What is it that you kind of getout of that?
Okay, all right.
The next one, number threeprocrastination or avoidance.
Deliberately delaying, which isdifferent than ADHD delaying.
(13:06):
Okay, y'all, we work with, um,some fucked up brain chemicals
here and it's different andthat's a topic for another day.
But anyway, procrastination oravoidance.
What we're talking about herein regards to self sabotage is
when you're deliberatelydelaying or avoiding challenging
or uncomfortable things thatare essential for the direction
(13:26):
you want to go in life, whichresults in missed opportunities
or increased stress is almostlike you're trying to prove.
See, I'm not good enough, and Iknew someone during the pandemic
who said that they wanted tostart teaching online classes
and they came to me for somecoaching uh, help in this and I
(13:49):
talked with them about how theycould set up online teaching.
They could.
They could work with peopleremotely, since everything in
person was shut down.
But instead of doing any of thesteps that we talked about in
our coaching session that wouldhave moved them forward on that
project, they just keptcomplaining that no one had
(14:13):
money, no one could afford this.
This won't work, and what Ithink that might have been is,
again, what they were doing wasavoiding actually just getting
started on this project, andwhat I think that may have been
(14:34):
was about power dynamics andperhaps wanting to be supportive
of others who were financiallyhurting, like they were, and
maybe this is actually we'restarting.
I hope you're starting to seethe pattern here.
Maybe that actually could be agift in other contexts to be
supportive of those who don'thave the financial means and,
(14:59):
like this person, you know theywere wanting to start these
online teaching classes becausethey didn't have their main
source of income got cut offduring the pandemic.
Now, this compassion is soamazing and what a great gift.
In this context, it was holdingthem back and causing them to
(15:22):
self sabotage.
It also could have beensomething like power dynamics.
That's one of the things that Ione of my gifts is empowerment,
and sometimes that can lead meto put people up on this
pedestal of they are empoweredand then that means that I have
to be disempowered, and so maybethat was what was going on with
this person.
Honestly, at this point, itdoesn't matter.
(15:45):
This is an amazing lesson foryou to learn now and just think
about hey, have you been in anysimilar scenarios where you've
procrastinated and avoided doingsomething, and what was it that
actually held you back?
Also, this is a negative way,of course, of putting things off
(16:06):
.
You can also have productiveprocrastination, which I call
edging, and there's an entirepodcast episode on this, episode
51.
I'll link it down in the shownotes for you so that you can
check out that episode as well.
But, of course, today we'retalking about self-sabotaging
procrastination.
(16:27):
Okay, the last one that I wantedto share with you is conflict
avoidance.
This is avoiding necessaryconfrontations or difficult
conversations in order tomaintain peace or avoid
discomfort, even when it'sdetrimental in the long run.
I had a client who was gettingused a lot by the guys that he
(16:48):
was hooking up with, and itseemed like they were always in
control.
He was never really gettingfrom the interactions what he
wanted to get.
It was always, always about theother guys, and as we worked on
this, we found that his giftfor nurturing was being put to
(17:08):
use by doing things for theseother guys.
His gift of making others feelempowered was also being put to
use, but to his own detriment,because he thought that he had
to have no power.
Okay, so to recap, we've gotaddicted to shit that fuck it
mentality procrastination oravoidance, and conflict
(17:32):
avoidance.
Now, those are just four mainways that people self-sabotage,
and that's all we have time fortoday.
There are many, many othersthat you and I could explore
together if you'd like.
The worst part about these ishow they destroy your confidence
.
Self-sabotage is often rootedin deep-seated beliefs like I'm
(17:56):
not enough or I'm too much, I'llhurt other people's feelings,
I'll separate myself from others, or if I succeed, then I'll
have to keep this up forever,and that is exhausting.
So the more that you repeatthese behaviors.
The more you prove I'm doingair quotes y'all the more you
(18:17):
prove that these or othernegative self-beliefs are true,
like, for example, when youavoid conflict, like I have done
a gazillion times, you prove toyourself that you aren't worth
standing up for.
You reinforce those negativebeliefs about yourself and you
(18:39):
degrade your self-esteem, yourconfidence, over time.
So how do we overcome this?
I'm happy to tell you I've gotfour steps for you, four easy
steps for you.
Easy actually might be thewrong word.
Simple, they're not gonna beeasy.
Rarely is anything that I giveto y'all on this podcast easy.
(19:00):
It's typically challenging andthat is good, and you are
capable of doing this, okay.
So here's how we work throughthis.
Step one start with theassumption that any pattern you
see in your life is actually youjust getting something you need
or something you want, okay.
(19:21):
Second, ask what is it that youget out of this?
Is it power, dynamics, orexcitement, or a problem to
solve, or feeling seen, orgetting privacy, or testing
support or supporting someoneelse?
Third, see your strength inthis.
So for that example where wetalked about how I had a client
(19:45):
who was seeing that hisnurturing was causing him to
allow these guys to use him.
Direct that gift in a directionthat you like.
For example, you could directit towards your friends or your
own inner child.
If you start meeting that needin a positive way, in a way that
(20:09):
you are proud of, you're goingto automatically not need to get
your needs met through theseself-sabotaging behaviors.
So that's leading us to stepfour.
Decide on purpose how to usethis gift in a way that you're
proud of.
When you get your needs met inanother way, you'll naturally
(20:29):
let go of your self-destructivebehaviors.
So to review again step oneassume any pattern that you're
seeing in your life is actuallyjust you getting something that
you want subconsciously.
Two ask yourself what is itthat I get out of this?
Three see your strength in it.
(20:51):
Four decide on purpose how touse this gift in a way that you
are proud of.
Every single one of yourself-sabotaging moments, all the
things that you think are yourdeepest flaws.
They are your strengths, myfriend.
They're just working in adirection that you are not proud
(21:15):
of, and you can change that byjust simply following those four
steps to discover what theunderlying gift is that you're
using and changing how you'reusing it.
If this is something that youwant help doing, come work with
me.
I do this with all my clients,and it's so much easier when you
(21:37):
have an outside perspective, soI would love to work with you
one-on-one.
That's it for today's podcast,and I will see you next Tuesday.
Bye, bye.
Hello, my unicorns, welcome back.
It's just you and me today, andI'm really excited about having
this little chit chat with you.
We're going to talk about yourflaws and how those flaws, those
things that you're ashamed of,particularly self sabotage, is
(00:20):
our focus for today how thosethings are actually gifts and I
hope you don't even believe meright now, because I promise you
by the end of the episodeyou're going to understand what
I'm talking about and havingthis flip around, from these
things being your curses, thesethings being things that you're
(00:41):
ashamed of and stuck in that youhaven't been able to break,
you're going to get exactly whatyou need today in order to
break negative patterns and alsoappreciate, respect and love
yourself with these things youthink are flaws.
Before we go into it, we arerocking and rolling now with
(01:05):
episodes every week, and so Ijust wanted to give you all that
update.
I know a couple of like acouple months ago, I guess.
Yeah, back in.
Oh my gosh, when was thatAugust?
Yeah, I gave you all the updatethat I was back at the podcast
but was going to only be doingan episode every other week, and
I would wanted to clarify I amback at it every week and the
(01:28):
structure is now going to beswitching between solo and guest
episodes, and I picked thatstructure based on your feedback
in the Instagram channel.
So thank you so much to everysingle one of you who responded
to that poll in there.
This feels really good anddelightful to me.
(01:48):
It's got not too much pressureand too much content for me to
keep up on.
And hey, there might be weeksin here where I don't get to an
episode, a solo episode, and inthe spirit of everything that
we're doing here, I'm going tobe okay with that and I'll do my
(02:08):
best to let you know if that'sthe case.
Instagram, as you know, is themain channel to find anything
out.
But yeah, that's the deal.
We're going to switch off everyother episode.
One will be a guest someonefrom the LGBTQIA plus community
every now and then, someone whodoes not identify as queer but
whose input I think is reallygoing to be extremely useful for
(02:28):
you, and I am happy to announcethat I am booked out for the
rest of the year.
All the guest episodes arescheduled and booked, so, girl,
get ready.
I know all the guests for therest of the year and I'm fucking
thrilled for y'all to be ableto hear them.
So it's going to be justabsolutely amazing.
(02:51):
I'm so excited.
So let's see, was there anyother?
Oh, I know what I was going toask you as well.
Please keep giving your inputin the Instagram channel.
If you are not in there yet,you can go down to the show
notes and join the Instagramchannel.
That's where you can have inputon the podcast.
(03:13):
You can ask questions and youcan nominate guests, and I
really want your all help withthat.
Honestly, I want to know whichqueer celebrity guests you want
me to bring on the podcast and Iwill do my absolute best to
bring them on.
I also would love your help ingetting them to come on the
podcast.
Like next year, I would love tohave Trichsine Tell on the
(03:36):
podcast.
Who's with me?
Huh, that would be so much fun.
So I would love for you, if youhave a guest nomination, tell
me in the Instagram channel orthrough an Instagram direct
message and feel free to go andtell those people.
Hey, I want to hear from you onthe queer confidence podcast
(04:00):
and tag me in it so that theycan see and, hopefully, come on
in.
We're gonna.
We're no longer playing smalllittle league here Y'all.
I don't know, I don't knowsports metaphors.
Why am I even trying littleleague?
It took me so I stumbled didyou hear how much I stumbled
(04:20):
over my words for that?
Anyway, we're not doing thatanymore.
I'm excited to be bringing insome real big guests and
Promoting guests who I think,whether they have a even a small
audience or no audience at all,have valuable, incredible input
for you.
So here we go, on the up and upy'all.
(04:41):
We are Going.
Okay, let's get into it, shallwe?
I can you tell I'm a little, alittle, hyped up.
The main thing I want you to beable to walk away from today's
episode with is seeing how selfsabotage is Trying to get your
needs met, and when you knowwhat need you're trying to get
(05:02):
met, then we can also find howto actually Use the gift that
you're trying to use or the needthat you're trying to get met.
We can figure out how to getthat need met in a way that you
are proud of, and the needs thatyou're trying to get met,
you're gonna see, are actuallyversions of your own personal
(05:25):
superpowers.
So real quick, let's defineself sabotage.
Self sabotage refers to theunconscious or Deliberate
actions, thoughts or behaviorsthat hinder your own progress.
Success while being, orpersonal growth involves acting
against your own best interestsor goals, often due to
(05:46):
underlying psychological,emotional or behavioral patterns
.
In summary, all it's behavingin a way you aren't proud of in
the long run.
It's not simple, so let's lookat four common ways that I've
seen this show up for me in myown life and in my client's
lives.
(06:07):
The first one I call addicted toshit.
All right, addicted to shit iswhen you find yourself over and
over in abusive relationships orsituations that you know aren't
good for you, and, no matterhow many times you've Become
conscious of this, you don'tfeel like you have any power to
(06:29):
change this pattern for yourself.
Staying in a relationship whereyou're you are being
psychologically, physically oremotionally abused would be this
concept of what I'm talkingabout with being addicted to
shit.
So what I want to point out,though, for you and this is what
(06:51):
we're gonna do with all four ofthese is that there's some need
you're trying to get met.
If you're doing any of thesethings that seem like self
sabotage, there is a need, anunmet need, that you are trying
to fulfill.
For me, I have a history ofbeing in some toxic, god awful
(07:12):
relationships, and I had neverhad a relationship last more
than six months until my currentboyfriend and gosh.
We met almost a year and a halfago and are going strong, and
this is the key difference thatI'm about to tell you.
(07:33):
So the thing that I was tryingto get in all my past dramatic
relationships were thrills.
And I discovered this because Iwas in a coaching session and
the coach said to me when I wassaying, hey, I keep finding
myself in these dramaticrelationships and I want to know
how to get out of this pattern,what the hell is going on?
(07:56):
And she said to me well, youlike the drama.
And I got so pissed off y'all.
I was like excuse me, what areyou talking about?
I don't like the drama, but Ialso recognize that I'm having a
very strong reaction to thisright now, so I think there
might be something to whatyou're saying.
I Was like stop it, fuck you,but keep going, tell me more.
(08:21):
What do you?
Why do you think that?
And as we talked about it, shewas able to point out to me like
oh, what I'm enjoying aboutdramatic, tumultuous
Relationships is the thrill thatI get out of it so thrill.
(08:44):
I can use tons of other thingsto get thrills right.
I could go watch thrillermovies, which I happen to love.
I could go do like scaryhaunted house things, which I
love.
I could ride roller coasters orskydive all things that I love.
(09:04):
I could play sports, whichy'all know I'm not really all
that into.
I do really love soccer, though.
That really does it for me.
I could go I don't know.
There are a million otherthings Like oh, crossfit for me
for a while was a way of gettinga thrill through that kind of
(09:24):
adrenaline rush of achieving,achieving, achieving.
I don't really compete or doanything in CrossFit anymore,
but that is a way that I coulduse this energy, this thrill
need that I have in a way that'smuch more positive to me.
Or positive to me, yeah, yeah,that's a good word for it, but
(09:44):
y'all know what I mean.
All right, the second common waythat I see myself or clients
self-sabotaging is the fuck itmentality.
I'm gonna use another examplefor my own life for this one.
So the fuck it mentality isengaging in risky behavior
(10:05):
despite knowing the potentialnegative consequences of it.
For me, this was sex withoutprotection and not taking prep
for a while.
No slut shaming here.
I am all about all of youhaving as much and whatever kind
of delicious, amazing,authentic and consensual sex you
(10:30):
want, but what I'm talkingabout here is pushing it to this
, this space, where you're likeI know that there is a risk here
of either catching somethingthat could be long-term or
life-threatening.
(10:50):
Like I wasn't even going andgetting tested regularly when I
first started having sex, so,and I knew the risks right, I
was aware, but I also kind ofjust wanted to close my eyes and
ignore it.
Um, so that will go intoanother one of conflict of one
and Slater, but for now, thefuck it mentality is what we're
(11:11):
focusing on.
Uh, I also have had hookupswhere, okay, maybe all the like
STIs and everything were weretaken care of through protective
measures, but maybe I was goinginto scenarios that I didn't
really feel comfortable or safein.
I didn't really know the personall that well to the level that
(11:35):
I would actually feelcomfortable with, um, hooking up
with them.
Like I was intentionally kindof putting myself in these
scenarios where I was risky andfor me, again, that was that
thrill energy that I was seeking.
I was looking to get excitedbased on the potential for risk
(12:01):
here and again.
I'll circle back.
At the end we're going to talkabout how to use that thrill
differently, but I just want youto start seeing some patterns
here.
Hopefully you're starting tothink for yourself through these
scenarios of, hey, what fuck itmentality do you have?
What are some things in yourlife where you kind of
(12:22):
intentionally, knowing the risks, behave in a risky way that
could risk you, um, ending upwith a life that you don't
actually really want, like thiscould be in a job context, too.
You could be going to work lateintentionally in order to risk
(12:43):
having your supervisor ormanager contact you about like
hey, you need to start showingup at work on time.
What is it that you kind of getout of that?
Okay, all right.
The next one, number threeprocrastination or avoidance.
Deliberately delaying, which isdifferent than ADHD delaying.
(13:06):
Okay, y'all, we work with, um,some fucked up brain chemicals
here and it's different andthat's a topic for another day.
But anyway, procrastination oravoidance.
What we're talking about herein regards to self sabotage is
when you're deliberatelydelaying or avoiding challenging
or uncomfortable things thatare essential for the direction
(13:26):
you want to go in life, whichresults in missed opportunities
or increased stress is almostlike you're trying to prove.
See, I'm not good enough, and Iknew someone during the pandemic
who said that they wanted tostart teaching online classes
and they came to me for somecoaching uh, help in this and I
(13:49):
talked with them about how theycould set up online teaching.
They could.
They could work with peopleremotely, since everything in
person was shut down.
But instead of doing any of thesteps that we talked about in
our coaching session that wouldhave moved them forward on that
project, they just keptcomplaining that no one had
(14:13):
money, no one could afford this.
This won't work, and what Ithink that might have been is,
again, what they were doing wasavoiding actually just getting
started on this project, andwhat I think that may have been
(14:34):
was about power dynamics andperhaps wanting to be supportive
of others who were financiallyhurting, like they were, and
maybe this is actually we'restarting.
I hope you're starting to seethe pattern here.
Maybe that actually could be agift in other contexts to be
supportive of those who don'thave the financial means and,
(14:59):
like this person, you know theywere wanting to start these
online teaching classes becausethey didn't have their main
source of income got cut offduring the pandemic.
Now, this compassion is soamazing and what a great gift.
In this context, it was holdingthem back and causing them to
(15:22):
self sabotage.
It also could have beensomething like power dynamics.
That's one of the things that Ione of my gifts is empowerment,
and sometimes that can lead meto put people up on this
pedestal of they are empoweredand then that means that I have
to be disempowered, and so maybethat was what was going on with
this person.
Honestly, at this point, itdoesn't matter.
(15:45):
This is an amazing lesson foryou to learn now and just think
about hey, have you been in anysimilar scenarios where you've
procrastinated and avoided doingsomething, and what was it that
actually held you back?
Also, this is a negative way,of course, of putting things off
(16:06):
.
You can also have productiveprocrastination, which I call
edging, and there's an entirepodcast episode on this, episode
51.
I'll link it down in the shownotes for you so that you can
check out that episode as well.
But, of course, today we'retalking about self-sabotaging
procrastination.
(16:27):
Okay, the last one that I wantedto share with you is conflict
avoidance.
This is avoiding necessaryconfrontations or difficult
conversations in order tomaintain peace or avoid
discomfort, even when it'sdetrimental in the long run.
I had a client who was gettingused a lot by the guys that he
(16:48):
was hooking up with, and itseemed like they were always in
control.
He was never really gettingfrom the interactions what he
wanted to get.
It was always, always about theother guys, and as we worked on
this, we found that his giftfor nurturing was being put to
(17:08):
use by doing things for theseother guys.
His gift of making others feelempowered was also being put to
use, but to his own detriment,because he thought that he had
to have no power.
Okay, so to recap, we've gotaddicted to shit that fuck it
mentality procrastination oravoidance, and conflict
(17:32):
avoidance.
Now, those are just four mainways that people self-sabotage,
and that's all we have time fortoday.
There are many, many othersthat you and I could explore
together if you'd like.
The worst part about these ishow they destroy your confidence
.
Self-sabotage is often rootedin deep-seated beliefs like I'm
(17:56):
not enough or I'm too much, I'llhurt other people's feelings,
I'll separate myself from others, or if I succeed, then I'll
have to keep this up forever,and that is exhausting.
So the more that you repeatthese behaviors.
The more you prove I'm doingair quotes y'all the more you
(18:17):
prove that these or othernegative self-beliefs are true,
like, for example, when youavoid conflict, like I have done
a gazillion times, you prove toyourself that you aren't worth
standing up for.
You reinforce those negativebeliefs about yourself and you
(18:39):
degrade your self-esteem, yourconfidence, over time.
So how do we overcome this?
I'm happy to tell you I've gotfour steps for you, four easy
steps for you.
Easy actually might be thewrong word.
Simple, they're not gonna beeasy.
Rarely is anything that I giveto y'all on this podcast easy.
(19:00):
It's typically challenging andthat is good, and you are
capable of doing this, okay.
So here's how we work throughthis.
Step one start with theassumption that any pattern you
see in your life is actually youjust getting something you need
or something you want, okay.
(19:21):
Second, ask what is it that youget out of this?
Is it power, dynamics, orexcitement, or a problem to
solve, or feeling seen, orgetting privacy, or testing
support or supporting someoneelse?
Third, see your strength inthis.
So for that example where wetalked about how I had a client
(19:45):
who was seeing that hisnurturing was causing him to
allow these guys to use him.
Direct that gift in a directionthat you like.
For example, you could directit towards your friends or your
own inner child.
If you start meeting that needin a positive way, in a way that
(20:09):
you are proud of, you're goingto automatically not need to get
your needs met through theseself-sabotaging behaviors.
So that's leading us to stepfour.
Decide on purpose how to usethis gift in a way that you're
proud of.
When you get your needs met inanother way, you'll naturally
(20:29):
let go of your self-destructivebehaviors.
So to review again step oneassume any pattern that you're
seeing in your life is actuallyjust you getting something that
you want subconsciously.
Two ask yourself what is itthat I get out of this?
Three see your strength in it.
(20:51):
Four decide on purpose how touse this gift in a way that you
are proud of.
Every single one of yourself-sabotaging moments, all the
things that you think are yourdeepest flaws.
They are your strengths, myfriend.
They're just working in adirection that you are not proud
(21:15):
of, and you can change that byjust simply following those four
steps to discover what theunderlying gift is that you're
using and changing how you'reusing it.
If this is something that youwant help doing, come work with
me.
I do this with all my clients,and it's so much easier when you
(21:37):
have an outside perspective, soI would love to work with you
one-on-one.
That's it for today's podcast,and I will see you next Tuesday.
Bye, bye.
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