November 7, 2023 • 22 mins
This episode is on embracing vulnerability to foster connection and love.
Dropping the armor is about allowing yourself to be human, and following the advice you give to others.
It's empowerment through imperfection.
This is what authenticity looks like.
Mentioned in this episode:
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferriss Show Podcast Instagram Clip
Listen to the full episode here: Brené Brown — Striving versus Self-Acceptance, Saving Marriages, and More (#409) or watch on YouTube
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Coach Alex Ray (00:00):
Hello, my unicorns, welcome back.
In today's episode we're goingto talk about dropping the armor
and embracing your authenticself, and we're going to start
right off by giving you a realworld example.
This is my like fifth timehidden record for this podcast
episode.
I've tried to record it a fewtimes each time and that I do it
(00:20):
.
It's just like messy and sloppyand I keep stumbling.
Oh, and now I get a phone call.
Okay, okay, I'm back.
Look, I could edit it, that Icould edit that part out.
But honestly, I think that therealness of it, the humanness of
(00:41):
it, the unfilteredness of it,really aligns with today's
episode.
And, of course, today's episodeis again about dropping armor
and embracing authentic solvesits permission to be imperfect.
It's really truly the same.
Today's episode is like theopposite of perfectionism, and I
(01:02):
don't know about you, but Istruggle with perfectionism.
I have very high standards formyself that I would never impose
on anyone else and, honestly,if I were to impose my standards
on someone else, I'd probablybe thinking that I was being an
asshole to them.
(01:22):
I don't actually want to giveother people the requirements
that I give to myself.
I feel like that kind of meanoften, and so, if you can relate
to that at all, then you, myfriend, you're in the right
place for this episode.
I've noticed this coming up alot for my clients recently.
(01:42):
I've noticed it coming up formyself as well, and though it is
going to be uncomfortable, whatwe're talking about today it's
going to be uncomfortable to letgo of that armor.
Stripping away the layers ofprotection actually allows us to
not only reveal the beautiful,authentic humans that we are.
(02:04):
It also allows us to love andbe loved by the world deeper, to
connect with others on a morefulfilling, authentic life,
giving level.
The first thing I want you tokeep in mind as we're talking
about this is that you can'tselectively armor up Meaning.
(02:26):
When you armor up and youprotect yourself from being
vulnerable, you also protectyourself from feeling things
like joy or happiness orexcitement, like how many times
have you been afraid ofsucceeding?
Because if you succeed, then,oh my god, there's going to be
(02:50):
this huge pressure that you haveon yourself to keep it up or to
keep going with it.
At least, that's what I do tomyself.
I know that for sure.
Whatever your reason is thatyou're afraid of succeeding,
think about like you're tryingto protect from the negative
(03:12):
sides of success, or what youimagine to be the negative sides
of success, and you're alsoprotecting yourself, then,
unintentionally, from getting toexperience all the joy from
succeeding.
We stunt our own growth when wearmor up and we hinder
connection with others.
One of the biggest signs thatyou are armoring up is not
(03:38):
following the advice that yougive to other people.
I do it too.
I know it well.
There's no shame here.
We're in this together, myfriend.
But when we have standards thatwe won't hold other people to
but we require ourselves touphold, it's time to ask
(04:02):
yourself why Are you avoidingcanceling a commitment because
you don't want to be judged?
Are you not asking for help oractively turning away help
because you can't show thatyou're human, or you think that
people might think you're weak?
Are you putting on a show forpeople online when things aren't
(04:27):
okay?
It doesn't mean that you dohave to share what's really
going on in your life, likestrangers on the internet don't
deserve to be part of thedeepest parts, most intimate
parts of your life, but whenthings aren't going well, do you
really need to be putting on ashow?
Are you just exhaustingyourself to try to put on a
(04:50):
display for other people andthen think back to all of these
things, like are these thingsthat you would actually expect
anyone else to do?
I know I wouldn't Someone else.
If I saw anyone else doingthese things I'd be like girl,
relax, what the hell are youdoing?
Take a freaking break and stopavoiding canceling the
commitment.
Just cancel it.
(05:10):
Ask for help or allow help anddefinitely fuck the internet.
Stop trying to uphold yourselfto expectations of people that
you don't even know.
We even are trained by societyto have this kind of armor on us
.
Like think about what happenswhen someone asks how are you
(05:32):
doing?
Our first go to response istypically good.
Why?
Most of the time we're not justgood.
We're either doing wonderful orsometimes we're just kind of
meh, or often shitty.
So why is the response justgood?
Perhaps it's an opportunity toavoid being vulnerable.
(05:59):
Perhaps good, I'm good is acasual, nonchalant version of
armoring up.
So these things again are veryeasy to see in other people.
You probably have a lot higherstandards for yourself.
And why do you do that?
Why do any of us do it?
(06:21):
Protection, because we don'twant to think of ourselves as
human, as vulnerable.
I'm going to share with you aclip from Brene Brown on the Tim
Ferriss Show podcast.
I'll have the link down in theshow notes for you as well, but
just listen in, as Brene Browndescribes this in a way only
(06:47):
Brene Brown really can.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferri (06:50):
We all grew up and experienced, at
varying degrees, trauma,disappointment, hard stuff.
We armored up and at some point, that armor no longer serves us
.
The weight of the armor is tooheavy and it's not protecting
you.
It's keeping you from beingseen and known by others.
(07:11):
This is the developmentalmilestone of midlife.
This is when the universe comesdown, puts your hands on your
shoulders and pulls you closeand whispers in your ear I'm not
fucking around, you're halfwayto dead.
The armor is keeping you fromgrowing into the gifts I've
given you.
That is not without penalty.
Time is up.
So this is what you see happento people in midlife, and it's
(07:35):
not a crisis.
It's a slow, brutal unraveling.
This is where everything thatwe thought protected us keeps us
from being the partners, theparents, the professionals, the
people that we want to be.
Coach Alex Ray (07:53):
Now again, you can find that clip and the full
episode in the show notes.
I've got the link to theInstagram post that I just
played.
But how true is that?
And you know, as queer people,I think that we have multiple of
these midlife crises becausethere's so much of our identity
(08:17):
that we are coming to knowthroughout our lives, because
we're not just the traditionalpath of humans in our society.
We've got so much more todiscover about ourselves and
we've got so much armor thatwe've put on to protect
ourselves out of fear of beingcast out, out of fear of not
(08:42):
belonging, out of fear of thepain we might have to go through
if people knew who we reallyare.
As queer people, I think we gothrough multiple of these life
crises and each time is abeautiful shedding of this armor
.
It's not pretty, it's oftenpainful, it's often difficult,
(09:07):
but it is worth it.
It's important to think about asyou're noticing this armor in
your life, understanding why youdo it.
It's not because you're anidiot, it's not because
something's wrong with you, it'snot because no one else is
doing this.
It's because you're human andit's out of protection.
(09:27):
There's a beautiful, wonderful,kind, subconscious part of your
brain that's armoring up toprotect you because it worked in
the past and at this point inyour life it's just no longer
serving you.
We put on armor to protectourselves from pain, of
(09:48):
embarrassment, of letting peopledown, of shame all great things
to not want.
We're avoiding being human,though, for what?
To protect ourselves fromemotional pain and rejection,
but we miss out on the love andacceptance that we would
(10:09):
otherwise get.
When you have decided somethingbad will happen, but you don't
take that uncomfortable actionStep two of the Confident Queer
process right.
Take action towards thatuncomfortable step, then you
don't get to test and disprovethe belief that you have about
(10:32):
how others will react.
In other words, we build wallsto shield our hearts from
getting hurt and we end uplonely with our own shit
thoughts instead of experiencingconnection and love.
We're in this together.
You're surrounded by fellowunicorns just like you, who are
(10:54):
in the same place, my friend.
So please do not let thismessage, this reminder, this
introspection here trigger evenmore shame.
This is the time to notice thatthere's a beautiful part of you
that, while it's not workingwell for you anymore, it has
good intentions.
This voice that you have thatholds you back and has really
(11:14):
high standards for yourself thatyou would never hold anyone
else to and armors up forprotection.
It's not because something'swrong with you.
It's just because you're humanand you're protecting yourself
from pain.
I don't think we would tellanyone who was trying to protect
(11:37):
themselves from experiencingpain that they were an awful
being and something was wrongwith them.
So what do we do?
Where do we go from here?
Once you notice these patternsfor yourself, go back to the
confident queer process.
Allow yourself to beuncomfortable when you notice it
(11:59):
.
Don't immediately try to changeit.
Allow yourself to beuncomfortable about whatever
changes you might be doing.
For example, if you have acommitment that you need to
cancel, you can change it and itfeels like, oh my gosh, that's
really taking off the armor.
They're going to see that likeI can't keep my commitments and
(12:22):
something's wrong with me andall the story, and then you go
wait, hold on, pause.
This is a story that's in myhead that I've used for
protection.
I don't want them to see thatI'm human.
The truth is that all the timewe make commitments that we end
up not being able to keepbecause they just don't work for
us, we didn't actually knowwhat the future held and we
(12:44):
realized I've got to change andcancel.
I've got to stand up for myselfand actually voice that this is
no longer something that worksfor me or fits for me.
So allow yourself to beuncomfortable with this
vulnerability.
Take action towards it.
(13:06):
Take action in line with yourvalues, in line with the
priorities of your life, in linewith what you would tell other
people to do.
Because here's the thing, thisis one of my favorite questions
to ask when coaching.
If I have a client that's stuckin indecision, I will often ask
(13:29):
what would you tell your friend, your partner, your child,
whatever?
What would you tell them to doif you were in the same
situation?
And the answer is boom, it'svery clear, like 99.99% of the
time.
Then why are you struggling todo what you would tell anyone
(13:53):
else to do?
Why is that difficult?
It's because of all the stories.
It's because of all the fear.
It's you armoring up and notdoing that thing.
Whatever you would tell someoneelse to do in that situation is
what aligns with your valuesand who you want to be in the
(14:14):
world and the example that youwant to set for others.
So that's the answer that youreally want to follow.
However, when you're notfollowing it, it's just this
issue of being afraid to letdown your armor.
(14:36):
So again, how do we handle this?
Allow yourself to beuncomfortable, take action
towards it, take action that youwould have advised a friend to
do, and then have your own back,which means both preparing
ahead of time for how you'llstay true to yourself and
purposely calming your nervoussystem down on the other side.
(14:57):
So let's just stick with thisexample of you have to cancel
plans with a friend.
Okay, you've maybe canceled onthem before and you're afraid
and it's easier to either justnot go at all and not address it
, or it's easier to just pushthrough when you know that you
(15:18):
are physically and emotionallydrained and really shouldn't go,
that you need some rest time.
Okay, first, allowingdiscomfort looks like just
pausing and being with theuncomfortable feelings in your
body.
It's imagining yourselfcanceling and being with that
uncomfortable feeling in yourbody.
Then it's taking action bybeing up front with that friend
(15:41):
and saying, hey, I'm reallysorry, I hate to do this, but I
really do need to cancel.
I need to not push myself thisevening, you know.
Thanks again for the invitation.
Whatever is appropriate for yourscenario, okay, and then have
(16:03):
your own back, which meansyou've done that thing ahead of
time to prepare for how you'regoing to stay true.
You've practiced it in yourhead, you've maybe written it
down.
You could even text it to yourfriend if you feel appropriate
to have it in writing.
It can be much easier to saythese things in writing than in
person, which will help buildthe confidence that you need in
(16:25):
order to be able to addressthese things in person or over
the phone or however you need toaddress them.
Okay, so you could also talk itthrough with a friend or your
coach to just get some moreoutside feedback and kind of
talk it through even role play,the uncomfortable scenario.
And you can also set upaccountability on the other side
(16:48):
so that after you have thisdifficult conversation of
canceling plans, you havesomeone to go to say, hey, check
, I did it, I did it.
It was uncomfortable, but Isurvived and I'm okay.
And then it's purposely calmingyour nervous system down on the
other side as well.
So you've got accountability onthe other side and you've also
(17:09):
got calming yourself.
This could be like you go on awalk, you take a bubble bath,
you listen to some music, youspend time with a friend.
Obviously, that would be kindof like a different scenario,
probably if you needed to stay,for our original scenario we're
talking about is you stayinghome from going out because
you're exhausted and need torest and hang out with someone
(17:31):
else.
Maybe isn't really actually theright solution, but maybe it is
.
Maybe you just didn't need tohang out with that original
friend that we were talkingabout in the first scenario.
I don't know, this is yourscenario to use, but you get
what I'm saying.
Do something on the other sideof whatever comfortable action
you took, to reward yourself, tocalm yourself, to appreciate
(17:52):
yourself.
Think about even journalingabout how it went, so that you
can actually logically look athey, what was the true outcome
of that?
Originally I thought it wasgonna be really terrifying or
really terrible, or my friendwas gonna hate me.
How did it actually go?
Oh, the friend just said, hey,no problem, I appreciate that,
or I respect that.
Thanks for taking care ofyourself.
(18:13):
Wow, I can't believe that thiswhole time I've been going and
upholding plans that I neverwanted to do, just out of fear
that my friends would hate me.
Turns out, my friends don'tmind at all and it's totally
okay.
I should cancel plans moreoften.
All right, let me share withyou some real world things that
(18:35):
have happened in my client'slives.
When they dropped the armor, Ihad one client who finally
dropped the armor and broke upwith a toxic axe, and though it
was really uncomfortable andscary to do it, they felt so
much relief on the other sideand so much more appreciation
(18:56):
for themself.
Another finally got help fromtheir team at work so they
weren't drowning in stressfultasks.
Another took time off of work,even though they were afraid of
what others would think aboutthem if they took time off
during this busy season.
They took the sick leave or thevacation time and they were
(19:20):
able to have the recovery daythat they needed so that they
could come back to work wellrested and, guess what?
No one was mad at them.
It was totally fine.
Another dressed authenticallyaccording to their gender
identity at work and found thattheir coworkers didn't even bat
(19:42):
an eye.
Another found a new hobby thatexcites them and where they've
been welcomed with open arms toexplore their gender expression
when they were finally werewilling to be their authentic
self and to be in spaces thatthey didn't think that they
(20:05):
originally were going to belong.
And lo and behold, they did.
And I, in my own life, foundthat a love unlike anything I've
ever experienced before, moresafe and calm and stable and
deep than I ever knew, waspossible with my partner.
And it's because I let go ofthe walls that I was holding up,
(20:33):
the armor that I was holdingonto and, I'll be honest, I
haven't let go of all the armor.
I find new ways on a regularbasis where, oh, I'm armoring up
.
I'm not actually telling thetruth about how I feel right now
.
I'm trying to protect myself.
I'm afraid of what he mightthink of me if I say this or do
(20:54):
this.
Speak up, speak up.
So, my friend, the question foryou today is what armor do you
need to drop and what supportwill you allow yourself or
(21:14):
empower yourself rather to havealong the way Until next Tuesday
?
Bye.
Hello, my unicorns, welcome back.
In today's episode we're goingto talk about dropping the armor
and embracing your authenticself, and we're going to start
right off by giving you a realworld example.
This is my like fifth timehidden record for this podcast
episode.
I've tried to record it a fewtimes each time and that I do it
(00:20):
.
It's just like messy and sloppyand I keep stumbling.
Oh, and now I get a phone call.
Okay, okay, I'm back.
Look, I could edit it, that Icould edit that part out.
But honestly, I think that therealness of it, the humanness of
(00:41):
it, the unfilteredness of it,really aligns with today's
episode.
And, of course, today's episodeis again about dropping armor
and embracing authentic solvesits permission to be imperfect.
It's really truly the same.
Today's episode is like theopposite of perfectionism, and I
(01:02):
don't know about you, but Istruggle with perfectionism.
I have very high standards formyself that I would never impose
on anyone else and, honestly,if I were to impose my standards
on someone else, I'd probablybe thinking that I was being an
asshole to them.
(01:22):
I don't actually want to giveother people the requirements
that I give to myself.
I feel like that kind of meanoften, and so, if you can relate
to that at all, then you, myfriend, you're in the right
place for this episode.
I've noticed this coming up alot for my clients recently.
(01:42):
I've noticed it coming up formyself as well, and though it is
going to be uncomfortable, whatwe're talking about today it's
going to be uncomfortable to letgo of that armor.
Stripping away the layers ofprotection actually allows us to
not only reveal the beautiful,authentic humans that we are.
(02:04):
It also allows us to love andbe loved by the world deeper, to
connect with others on a morefulfilling, authentic life,
giving level.
The first thing I want you tokeep in mind as we're talking
about this is that you can'tselectively armor up Meaning.
(02:26):
When you armor up and youprotect yourself from being
vulnerable, you also protectyourself from feeling things
like joy or happiness orexcitement, like how many times
have you been afraid ofsucceeding?
Because if you succeed, then,oh my god, there's going to be
(02:50):
this huge pressure that you haveon yourself to keep it up or to
keep going with it.
At least, that's what I do tomyself.
I know that for sure.
Whatever your reason is thatyou're afraid of succeeding,
think about like you're tryingto protect from the negative
(03:12):
sides of success, or what youimagine to be the negative sides
of success, and you're alsoprotecting yourself, then,
unintentionally, from getting toexperience all the joy from
succeeding.
We stunt our own growth when wearmor up and we hinder
connection with others.
One of the biggest signs thatyou are armoring up is not
(03:38):
following the advice that yougive to other people.
I do it too.
I know it well.
There's no shame here.
We're in this together, myfriend.
But when we have standards thatwe won't hold other people to
but we require ourselves touphold, it's time to ask
(04:02):
yourself why Are you avoidingcanceling a commitment because
you don't want to be judged?
Are you not asking for help oractively turning away help
because you can't show thatyou're human, or you think that
people might think you're weak?
Are you putting on a show forpeople online when things aren't
(04:27):
okay?
It doesn't mean that you dohave to share what's really
going on in your life, likestrangers on the internet don't
deserve to be part of thedeepest parts, most intimate
parts of your life, but whenthings aren't going well, do you
really need to be putting on ashow?
Are you just exhaustingyourself to try to put on a
(04:50):
display for other people andthen think back to all of these
things, like are these thingsthat you would actually expect
anyone else to do?
I know I wouldn't Someone else.
If I saw anyone else doingthese things I'd be like girl,
relax, what the hell are youdoing?
Take a freaking break and stopavoiding canceling the
commitment.
Just cancel it.
(05:10):
Ask for help or allow help anddefinitely fuck the internet.
Stop trying to uphold yourselfto expectations of people that
you don't even know.
We even are trained by societyto have this kind of armor on us
.
Like think about what happenswhen someone asks how are you
(05:32):
doing?
Our first go to response istypically good.
Why?
Most of the time we're not justgood.
We're either doing wonderful orsometimes we're just kind of
meh, or often shitty.
So why is the response justgood?
Perhaps it's an opportunity toavoid being vulnerable.
(05:59):
Perhaps good, I'm good is acasual, nonchalant version of
armoring up.
So these things again are veryeasy to see in other people.
You probably have a lot higherstandards for yourself.
And why do you do that?
Why do any of us do it?
(06:21):
Protection, because we don'twant to think of ourselves as
human, as vulnerable.
I'm going to share with you aclip from Brene Brown on the Tim
Ferriss Show podcast.
I'll have the link down in theshow notes for you as well, but
just listen in, as Brene Browndescribes this in a way only
(06:47):
Brene Brown really can.
Brené Brown on The Tim Ferri (06:50):
We all grew up and experienced, at
varying degrees, trauma,disappointment, hard stuff.
We armored up and at some point, that armor no longer serves us
.
The weight of the armor is tooheavy and it's not protecting
you.
It's keeping you from beingseen and known by others.
(07:11):
This is the developmentalmilestone of midlife.
This is when the universe comesdown, puts your hands on your
shoulders and pulls you closeand whispers in your ear I'm not
fucking around, you're halfwayto dead.
The armor is keeping you fromgrowing into the gifts I've
given you.
That is not without penalty.
Time is up.
So this is what you see happento people in midlife, and it's
(07:35):
not a crisis.
It's a slow, brutal unraveling.
This is where everything thatwe thought protected us keeps us
from being the partners, theparents, the professionals, the
people that we want to be.
Coach Alex Ray (07:53):
Now again, you can find that clip and the full
episode in the show notes.
I've got the link to theInstagram post that I just
played.
But how true is that?
And you know, as queer people,I think that we have multiple of
these midlife crises becausethere's so much of our identity
(08:17):
that we are coming to knowthroughout our lives, because
we're not just the traditionalpath of humans in our society.
We've got so much more todiscover about ourselves and
we've got so much armor thatwe've put on to protect
ourselves out of fear of beingcast out, out of fear of not
(08:42):
belonging, out of fear of thepain we might have to go through
if people knew who we reallyare.
As queer people, I think we gothrough multiple of these life
crises and each time is abeautiful shedding of this armor
.
It's not pretty, it's oftenpainful, it's often difficult,
(09:07):
but it is worth it.
It's important to think about asyou're noticing this armor in
your life, understanding why youdo it.
It's not because you're anidiot, it's not because
something's wrong with you, it'snot because no one else is
doing this.
It's because you're human andit's out of protection.
(09:27):
There's a beautiful, wonderful,kind, subconscious part of your
brain that's armoring up toprotect you because it worked in
the past and at this point inyour life it's just no longer
serving you.
We put on armor to protectourselves from pain, of
(09:48):
embarrassment, of letting peopledown, of shame all great things
to not want.
We're avoiding being human,though, for what?
To protect ourselves fromemotional pain and rejection,
but we miss out on the love andacceptance that we would
(10:09):
otherwise get.
When you have decided somethingbad will happen, but you don't
take that uncomfortable actionStep two of the Confident Queer
process right.
Take action towards thatuncomfortable step, then you
don't get to test and disprovethe belief that you have about
(10:32):
how others will react.
In other words, we build wallsto shield our hearts from
getting hurt and we end uplonely with our own shit
thoughts instead of experiencingconnection and love.
We're in this together.
You're surrounded by fellowunicorns just like you, who are
(10:54):
in the same place, my friend.
So please do not let thismessage, this reminder, this
introspection here trigger evenmore shame.
This is the time to notice thatthere's a beautiful part of you
that, while it's not workingwell for you anymore, it has
good intentions.
This voice that you have thatholds you back and has really
(11:14):
high standards for yourself thatyou would never hold anyone
else to and armors up forprotection.
It's not because something'swrong with you.
It's just because you're humanand you're protecting yourself
from pain.
I don't think we would tellanyone who was trying to protect
(11:37):
themselves from experiencingpain that they were an awful
being and something was wrongwith them.
So what do we do?
Where do we go from here?
Once you notice these patternsfor yourself, go back to the
confident queer process.
Allow yourself to beuncomfortable when you notice it
(11:59):
.
Don't immediately try to changeit.
Allow yourself to beuncomfortable about whatever
changes you might be doing.
For example, if you have acommitment that you need to
cancel, you can change it and itfeels like, oh my gosh, that's
really taking off the armor.
They're going to see that likeI can't keep my commitments and
(12:22):
something's wrong with me andall the story, and then you go
wait, hold on, pause.
This is a story that's in myhead that I've used for
protection.
I don't want them to see thatI'm human.
The truth is that all the timewe make commitments that we end
up not being able to keepbecause they just don't work for
us, we didn't actually knowwhat the future held and we
(12:44):
realized I've got to change andcancel.
I've got to stand up for myselfand actually voice that this is
no longer something that worksfor me or fits for me.
So allow yourself to beuncomfortable with this
vulnerability.
Take action towards it.
(13:06):
Take action in line with yourvalues, in line with the
priorities of your life, in linewith what you would tell other
people to do.
Because here's the thing, thisis one of my favorite questions
to ask when coaching.
If I have a client that's stuckin indecision, I will often ask
(13:29):
what would you tell your friend, your partner, your child,
whatever?
What would you tell them to doif you were in the same
situation?
And the answer is boom, it'svery clear, like 99.99% of the
time.
Then why are you struggling todo what you would tell anyone
(13:53):
else to do?
Why is that difficult?
It's because of all the stories.
It's because of all the fear.
It's you armoring up and notdoing that thing.
Whatever you would tell someoneelse to do in that situation is
what aligns with your valuesand who you want to be in the
(14:14):
world and the example that youwant to set for others.
So that's the answer that youreally want to follow.
However, when you're notfollowing it, it's just this
issue of being afraid to letdown your armor.
(14:36):
So again, how do we handle this?
Allow yourself to beuncomfortable, take action
towards it, take action that youwould have advised a friend to
do, and then have your own back,which means both preparing
ahead of time for how you'llstay true to yourself and
purposely calming your nervoussystem down on the other side.
(14:57):
So let's just stick with thisexample of you have to cancel
plans with a friend.
Okay, you've maybe canceled onthem before and you're afraid
and it's easier to either justnot go at all and not address it
, or it's easier to just pushthrough when you know that you
(15:18):
are physically and emotionallydrained and really shouldn't go,
that you need some rest time.
Okay, first, allowingdiscomfort looks like just
pausing and being with theuncomfortable feelings in your
body.
It's imagining yourselfcanceling and being with that
uncomfortable feeling in yourbody.
Then it's taking action bybeing up front with that friend
(15:41):
and saying, hey, I'm reallysorry, I hate to do this, but I
really do need to cancel.
I need to not push myself thisevening, you know.
Thanks again for the invitation.
Whatever is appropriate for yourscenario, okay, and then have
(16:03):
your own back, which meansyou've done that thing ahead of
time to prepare for how you'regoing to stay true.
You've practiced it in yourhead, you've maybe written it
down.
You could even text it to yourfriend if you feel appropriate
to have it in writing.
It can be much easier to saythese things in writing than in
person, which will help buildthe confidence that you need in
(16:25):
order to be able to addressthese things in person or over
the phone or however you need toaddress them.
Okay, so you could also talk itthrough with a friend or your
coach to just get some moreoutside feedback and kind of
talk it through even role play,the uncomfortable scenario.
And you can also set upaccountability on the other side
(16:48):
so that after you have thisdifficult conversation of
canceling plans, you havesomeone to go to say, hey, check
, I did it, I did it.
It was uncomfortable, but Isurvived and I'm okay.
And then it's purposely calmingyour nervous system down on the
other side as well.
So you've got accountability onthe other side and you've also
(17:09):
got calming yourself.
This could be like you go on awalk, you take a bubble bath,
you listen to some music, youspend time with a friend.
Obviously, that would be kindof like a different scenario,
probably if you needed to stay,for our original scenario we're
talking about is you stayinghome from going out because
you're exhausted and need torest and hang out with someone
(17:31):
else.
Maybe isn't really actually theright solution, but maybe it is
.
Maybe you just didn't need tohang out with that original
friend that we were talkingabout in the first scenario.
I don't know, this is yourscenario to use, but you get
what I'm saying.
Do something on the other sideof whatever comfortable action
you took, to reward yourself, tocalm yourself, to appreciate
(17:52):
yourself.
Think about even journalingabout how it went, so that you
can actually logically look athey, what was the true outcome
of that?
Originally I thought it wasgonna be really terrifying or
really terrible, or my friendwas gonna hate me.
How did it actually go?
Oh, the friend just said, hey,no problem, I appreciate that,
or I respect that.
Thanks for taking care ofyourself.
(18:13):
Wow, I can't believe that thiswhole time I've been going and
upholding plans that I neverwanted to do, just out of fear
that my friends would hate me.
Turns out, my friends don'tmind at all and it's totally
okay.
I should cancel plans moreoften.
All right, let me share withyou some real world things that
(18:35):
have happened in my client'slives.
When they dropped the armor, Ihad one client who finally
dropped the armor and broke upwith a toxic axe, and though it
was really uncomfortable andscary to do it, they felt so
much relief on the other sideand so much more appreciation
(18:56):
for themself.
Another finally got help fromtheir team at work so they
weren't drowning in stressfultasks.
Another took time off of work,even though they were afraid of
what others would think aboutthem if they took time off
during this busy season.
They took the sick leave or thevacation time and they were
(19:20):
able to have the recovery daythat they needed so that they
could come back to work wellrested and, guess what?
No one was mad at them.
It was totally fine.
Another dressed authenticallyaccording to their gender
identity at work and found thattheir coworkers didn't even bat
(19:42):
an eye.
Another found a new hobby thatexcites them and where they've
been welcomed with open arms toexplore their gender expression
when they were finally werewilling to be their authentic
self and to be in spaces thatthey didn't think that they
(20:05):
originally were going to belong.
And lo and behold, they did.
And I, in my own life, foundthat a love unlike anything I've
ever experienced before, moresafe and calm and stable and
deep than I ever knew, waspossible with my partner.
And it's because I let go ofthe walls that I was holding up,
(20:33):
the armor that I was holdingonto and, I'll be honest, I
haven't let go of all the armor.
I find new ways on a regularbasis where, oh, I'm armoring up
.
I'm not actually telling thetruth about how I feel right now
.
I'm trying to protect myself.
I'm afraid of what he mightthink of me if I say this or do
(20:54):
this.
Speak up, speak up.
So, my friend, the question foryou today is what armor do you
need to drop and what supportwill you allow yourself or
(21:14):
empower yourself rather to havealong the way Until next Tuesday
?
Bye.
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