November 23, 2025 • 37 mins
What if the patterns that keep us stuck in pain, overwork, or disconnection could finally be healed? I speak with Nicola Beer, an international relationship transformation coach who helps individuals and couples heal from trauma, addiction, and burnout. Nicola shares her personal and professional journey: how she went from struggling in her own relationships to guiding others through profound transformation.
We discuss the hidden emotional wounds behind workaholism, the toll of unhealed trauma, and how burnout is often a sign that something deeper needs attention. Nicola’s compassionate yet practical approach shows us that real healing is possible—and that it starts with self-awareness, self-compassion, and a willingness to rewrite the story we’ve been living.
We explore:
- How unhealed trauma shapes our patterns in love and work
- The connection between addiction (including workaholism) and emotional avoidance
- Practical steps for breaking free from burnout cycles
- Why self-worth is the foundation for lasting relationship change
- The role of daily habits and boundaries in protecting emotional health
- How to approach conversations about change with a partner
- Stories of individuals who rebuilt connection and trust after years of disconnection
Whether you’re navigating a challenging relationship, recovering from burnout, or seeking a path to emotional healing, this episode offers both hope and tangible tools.
About Nicola Beer:
Nicola Beer is a trauma-informed relationship therapist with over 20 years’ experience helping people heal from childhood wounds, betrayal, and the quiet pain of feeling unsafe in love. She works with individuals and couples to release old patterns and build steady, connected relationships. Nicola also facilitates plant medicine retreats, guiding people to let go of stored pain and return to inner calm and clarity. She is the host of two podcast shows The Relationship Revival Podcast and Healing with Psychedelics podcast
Connect with Nicola Beer:
Relationship Revival Podcast
https://podcast.nicolabeer.com
Healing with Psychedelics
https://podcast.plantmedicinepower.com/
Websites
For more from Serena:
Subscribe to The Visible Introvert newsletter for insights, reflections, and resources at https://serenalow.com.au
This episode was edited by Aura House Productions
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Hi, I'm Serena Lowe.
If you're used to hearing thatintroverts are shy, anxious,
antisocial, and lack goodcommunication and leadership
skills, then this podcast is foryou.
You're about to fall in lovewith a calm, introspective, and
profound person that you are.
Discover what's fun, unique, andpowerful about being an
(00:22):
introvert and how to make theelegant transition from quiet
achiever to quiet warrior inyour life and work, anytime you
want, in more ways than youimagined possible.
Welcome.
Hello and welcome.
Today's guest on the QuietWarrior Podcast is Nicola Beer.
(00:42):
Nicola is a trauma-informedrelationship therapist with over
20 years' experience helpingpeople heal from childhood
wounds, betrayal, and the quietpain of feeling unsafe in love.
She works with individuals andcouples to release old patterns
and build steady, connectedrelationships.
Nicola also facilitates plantmedicine retreats, guiding
(01:06):
people to let go of stored painand return to inner calm and
clarity.
She's the host of two podcastshows, the Relationship Revival
Podcast and Healing withPsychedelics Podcast.
Welcome, Nicola, to the QuietWarrior Podcast.
SPEAKER_01 (01:23):
Thank you.
Thanks so much for having me.
SPEAKER_00 (01:26):
Nicola, you mentioned childhood trauma and
PTSD.
Could you share a little bitabout your background?
What growing up was like foryou?
SPEAKER_01 (01:37):
Sure, absolutely.
So um growing up, I'm one offive, and um it was a very
difficult childhood because mymother was constantly stressed
and angry having four of four ofthe children.
Um we were quite close together,so two years apart.
And because of that, um my mumwas just really unhappy.
(02:01):
So some days she'd be screamingand shouting, some days she'd be
lying in bed not wanting to getout of bed.
My dad would beg her to go tothe doctors and she didn't, and
so she would take out a lot ofher frustrations on us.
And for me particularly, shewould say that I'm stupid and
(02:22):
that I'm as thick as two shortplanks, or lazy or selfish.
She was just, you know,sometimes she would even say
things like, She wished shedidn't have us, or she hated her
life, she hated us.
Um, so it was really, reallydifficult.
And I took from that, okay, I'mnot good enough, I'm bad, and I
make people angry.
I really believed, okay, it'sme.
I'm the problem.
(02:43):
I'm making my mum act in thisway.
And so it really shaped me as aperson and my relationships,
which is why I like working andenjoy working in the
relationship field as well ashelping individuals, because it
made me not feel very safe inlove, in connection, um, always
(03:05):
kind of to be a bit wary ofpeople and um and to go into my
own world for a protection.
Um, so yeah.
And now she about 15 years ago,she was diagnosed with bipolar.
So whether she's had it thewhole time and she wouldn't get
help, but um now, you know,thankfully she's having she's
(03:27):
having the help, but that's a along time later.
Yeah.
So I it was um it had a majoreffect on my self-esteem.
And when I look back at mychildhood, I could I just feel
sorry for myself, really.
Just think, wow, I just had solittle attention, so little
(03:48):
comfort.
Um so yeah.
And it's led me to have thatdrive to really want to help
people because I know what itlooks it feels like to go
through that pain and to notfeel good about yourself.
SPEAKER_00 (04:03):
Yes.
And it's so often the case,isn't it, that pain becomes the
purpose and gives us a new focusbecause we've been through
something, we don't want otherpeople to experience the same.
We go into that field of helpingother people who are like us.
But I suppose at the same time,there's also people who because
(04:23):
of the traumas they've beenthrough, shy away from that or
find it really hard to connectwith other people because they
felt so disconnected and unseenin their childhood.
So, how did how did you makethat um leap, perhaps?
How did you become someone whonow can connect with others
(04:48):
safely?
SPEAKER_01 (04:49):
I think it really came from the fact that I really
needed help myself, and I I'mI've always been in and I'm also
a lifelong learner andinterested in growth and
learning.
And for me, um it was quiteobvious that I needed help
because I had multiple eatingdisorders for um a long time.
(05:10):
It I used to control my food,control my body.
That's how I kind of coped withit all.
So um, you know, I would havepeople come up and say, What's
going on?
Why are you so thin?
You know, things like that.
So I had to kind of address itbecause it was visible.
And I think that kind of was ablessing, but also an extra
(05:32):
difficulty to it all.
Um, but then I as I startedgetting help, I realized
actually I really enjoy helpingothers as well.
And I really am fascinated bythe world of therapy and growth
and how you can change yourmindset and beliefs, and this
can change your happiness andyour energy and your motivation,
(05:53):
and you can have peace.
You know, one of the biggestachievements in my life for me
is overcoming the eatingdisorders and being able to eat
normally, which other peopleit's just so normal.
Um, but when you you you use itas a an addiction, a habit, you
create so many rules and layers,your mind is so fixated on all
(06:14):
these different things, it wasactually quite hard to let go
of.
So I think sometimes when you'vegot a lot of challenges, working
through them then gives you thatstrength and understanding and
passion to help others.
SPEAKER_00 (06:27):
Wow.
You mentioned it as anaddiction.
What was the eating disordertrying to do for you?
SPEAKER_01 (06:37):
What was it giving you It was giving me an element
of control um in a such anuncontrolled environment where I
couldn't control I didn't feellike I control everything,
especially at home.
Um it gave me um for a time,even if I had a really bad day,
(06:57):
I could praise myself if Ihadn't eaten much.
So it'd be like a tick, well,you've had a bad day, maybe I
haven't done my homework orhaven't done um good enough at
work, but at least I didn't eatmuch.
So it kind of made me feel good.
Um, so that was like when I wasmore towards the anorexic side.
(07:18):
It I was diagnosed with anundiagnosed eating disorder, so
it didn't fall into the box ofthat, but it was a similar sort
of it was a game, it was achallenge, it gave me made me
feel better for not eating, andthen I managed to overcome that.
Um, and then I had bulimia for along, long time.
So I would overeat, and thenthat would be an escape from
(07:40):
emotions, a reward at the end ofthe day.
But of course it's not a rewardbecause then I would be sick and
then tired, but it was anescape.
And then the reason I called itan addiction is I've studied a
lot of um Dr.
Gabor Mate's work, and I've donehis year-long professional
training, and he was saying thatwhen people are sick, um, when
(08:01):
you vomit, you release dopaminein your brain.
And this might have been thereason, obviously, emotional
triggers as well.
But if I'm getting rewarded forit, not only after I'm sick do I
feel, oh, good, I've got thosecalories out of me.
I'm not going to be fat becausethere's a huge fear of being
fat.
Um, but also I'm actuallygetting a chemical reaction.
(08:24):
So that's why I see it as anaddiction.
And also the addiction ofobsessing over it, planning it,
thinking about it.
Um, but it's all of you know,like all addictions, they're
often distractions.
We don't want to feel how wefeel.
And for me, my mum did used tosay, Oh, your sister's your
sister's older sister, shelooked very different to me.
(08:47):
Um, she had sort of reallystraight blonde hair.
My hair was all really um curlyand tight curls, which she my
mum wouldn't even brush becauseit was so tight.
And she would always say, Oh,look, your sister looks great,
your sister's looking neat andperfect.
And so I took that as I'm ugly.
Um, I'm not good enough.
(09:08):
So yeah.
Um, so looks became an areawhich I felt I had to fix.
SPEAKER_00 (09:18):
That makes a lot of sense when you explain it like
that because you didn't feelgood enough.
You found other ways in yourlife to compensate, to see what
can I fix, what can I makebetter, what can I perfect so
that at least in these areas ofmy life I have control.
(09:39):
Yeah.
And what else did you turn tobesides addiction?
Because I know in ourconversation you talked about
workaholism as well as anaddiction.
SPEAKER_01 (09:51):
That that's been my biggest, um, my biggest
challenge actually.
And it's it's one that I'mconstantly working on.
So I threw myself into studiesquite early on, and I got a lot
of achievement from um you knowbeing academics, being
successful in that way.
And then at work, I worked myfirst job.
(10:13):
I worked in a culture whereyou're it was in sales
environment, there was inrecruitment, so you're only as
good as your last month, so thatpushes you, pushes you.
So I learned just you know, ifyou worked hard, then you felt
good.
And then I just carried that on.
So um I find it hard to feelhappy if I'm not productive.
(10:36):
I'm much better at it now, butoccasionally I will still have
the voice of when I'm takingtime off, oh, you're being lazy.
Oh, you're not achieving much.
I tied myself worth to it toachieving.
And the workaholism as anaddiction is quite invisible
because our society may evenencourage it and may say, oh,
(10:57):
that's great, you're working sohard, well done.
But it really has consequences.
It has consequences on your yourhealth, your mental health, your
physical health.
It leads to burnout for a lot ofpeople, which is a really scary
time where they feel like thatthey don't know who they are and
they're collapsing.
And it can obviously impactrelationships.
(11:17):
You may end, you know,relationships may end, they may
be negatively impacted, you maymiss birthdays or milestones or
important things because you'reso focused on work as a
security.
And for me, growing up in ahousehold where we didn't have
any money, um, and the reasonthat my mum was so stressed was
(11:38):
because we we didn't have money.
The arguments between my mum anddad were around money.
So it's for me, it was like Ihave to work, I have to work, I
have to keep working because Inever want to be poor, I never
want to be in that situation.
I took on their fears and reallybelieved that the only way to
feel peace is to just constantlypush, push, push.
(11:59):
But obviously, it's not a happylife if you're just pushing
yourself all the time.
So then I've been working onthat and um I'm much better, but
sometimes that critical voicecan still slip in, even after
years of working on it.
SPEAKER_00 (12:15):
At what point did you realize the workaholism was
a problem?
How do you tell the differencebetween simply working very hard
and when it becomes a red flag?
SPEAKER_01 (12:28):
So for me, it was obvious a long, long time ago
because um I red flags was whenI would take time off and feel
restless and unhappy, even low,just feel like um uneasy.
Um, maybe there's a fear, okay,I'm not being productive, I'm
(12:48):
wasting time, um, or a fear ofokay, well, I don't work hard,
then I might not have enoughmoney.
It's like all kind of subsubtle, subconscious.
And also when I was dating for along time and not really finding
a good partner in relationships,but because I wasn't putting in
the time, you know, I'd go on adate one night and it would be
(13:11):
really nice, and then I might bea bit tired the next day, and
then they'd want to meet again,and then I'd be, oh, you know,
I've got to work, and then I'dkeep putting it off.
So it was just also sabotagingthings.
And what I really knew was whenI said, right, I'm gonna stick
to a schedule, I'm gonna takeevery other weekend off
completely, or I'm gonna finishat this time, or I'm not gonna
(13:33):
look at my phone for thisamount, and I couldn't do it.
I could have all these plans,and I really believed the plans,
but when I actually try to dothe plans, they don't work, and
that was because I was trying todo it with my mind, but I wasn't
healing it from a traumaperspective.
I wasn't healing it from my, youknow, my body, the emotions, the
(13:53):
the deeper patterns that for me,I was when I looked at it more
deeply, I was so attached to mywork because I believed it was
saving me.
It was my savior, it was myhelp, this is what got me out of
my household situation, this iswhat was there for me, this is
what I could rely on, this is mystability.
And so it was so hard to breakaway from it.
SPEAKER_00 (14:17):
You make a good distinction between the mind and
the body.
A lot of therapies still focusmore on the mind.
But what happens when, as yousay, if the body is not
cooperating with the mind andeach of them is going in their
own direction, how do you bringthe body on board so that it is
(14:37):
part of this healing process?
SPEAKER_01 (14:40):
Sure, so it's so important to listen to the body.
Another red flag, which I didn'tactually mention, was that I was
tired.
So I'd I'd work really hard, andthen I just have days where I
just feel absolutely exhausted,and that's when the body says
no.
And if you don't listen to yourbody on a daily basis, then your
body will stop you anyway.
(15:00):
Eventually, the body will say nofor you, and and so my body was
giving me these signs sayingthis is too much, this is too
much.
And then eventually I got um athyroid condition where I had an
overactive thyroid.
So I'd wake up and I'd feel likeI hadn't slept, and it my body
was just saying, like, changesomething here.
(15:21):
And so you bring the body inbecause the body will will tell
you and and keep telling you,keep giving you the warnings.
And if you don't listen to itearly on, unfortunately, you
know, you may collapse, or youthis is when people get burnout
or or other things happen tothem.
So um it's it's it's combiningthem both, and the mind can tell
(15:44):
you everything.
You know, the mind isn'tnecessarily reliable because
it's you know, it's not based ontruth sometimes.
We can get confused.
What does this mean?
What does that mean?
Whereas the body doesn't lie,your energy doesn't lie.
If you want to do something,you'll feel it in your body,
you'll feel your energy, yes orno.
I think this is really importantfor um introverts as well.
(16:07):
I'm an introvert, and you know,we could we can think, okay, I
should maybe I should do this orI should do that, but no, how do
I feel about this?
How does my body respond tothis?
Do I have the energy?
Really tuning into ourselves isso important because most people
will have the experience whereyou don't listen to your
(16:27):
intuition, and it's normally abad consequence, an undesirable
consequence anytime we overrideour own intuition.
SPEAKER_00 (16:40):
I'm glad you're mentioning this in the
connection with introverts,because you are right.
We introverts and deep thinkersand quiet achievers, we
sometimes rise the intellectover the body's wisdom.
We've been conditioned that wayto look outwards for validation,
for approval, to things that wecan measure the achievements,
(17:03):
the possessions, the status,other people's regard for us.
But we alone have that bodilyintelligence, and that is unique
for each person.
So nobody else knows how we feelor what our capacity is and how
it fluctuates.
Only we can notice and payattention to those clues.
(17:26):
So if we're not takingresponsibility for that and not
listening, then as you say,eventually it catches up and the
body will make its presence feltvery loudly and very strongly.
So, what are some steps we cantake as overthinkers to start
with perhaps thinking less orrelying less on the intellect
(17:52):
and more on our intuition andour body?
SPEAKER_01 (17:57):
Yeah, so I think we can get into a routine of
pausing and just asking usourselves before we say yes to
anybody, before we commitourselves, even just for
ourselves to do something, justclose our eyes.
I like to put one hand on myheart and one hand on my
stomach, and just be like, youknow, how am I feeling about
this?
Is this gonna be good for me?
(18:17):
You know, just really pausingand taking that time to connect
with yourself.
And sometimes if you're notsure, then saying, Well, I'm not
gonna say yes, or I'm not gonnado it until I'm sure.
Um, so this is one way of doingthat.
And making sure that we aretaking time to preserve our
(18:38):
energy, to not just keep pushingor say, you know, give because I
think often we can write a listof all these things.
I really want to get all of thisdone today or all of this done
this week.
But it's just when you actuallygo to do it, it's not realistic.
So it's like, okay, what's themost important thing that I want
to focus on?
Pausing, asking yourself, I liketo close my eyes to go inward,
(19:01):
it really helps me.
And then waiting for the answerand then and listening to
yourself.
The more you listen to yourself,the more you're gonna build that
trust in your gut intuition.
And there's a big differencebetween um a message from the
mind and a message from your gutintuition.
The mind, it kind of has thisflighty, anxious energy.
(19:22):
It's kind of rushed and do this,do that, and what about this?
You know, it's quite rushed.
Whereas when you know something,it comes from the that gut
intuition, it's calm and it'slike I know that this isn't
quite right for me.
I know that this is what I needto do.
It's it's it's much more strongand calm, and that's how you can
(19:43):
know the difference.
And for me, I like to write downall my thoughts all the time to
get them out of my head becausethey're just they consume me a
lot, so I'm always writing outmy thoughts so then I can just
be free in my mind.
That helps me.
SPEAKER_00 (19:57):
That's really helpful.
So decluttering to make space inthe mind and noticing the
difference between your mind andyour gut in terms of the the
quality of the energy that theypresent thoughts to you.
And that actually takes someconscious effort because the
conditioning is to prioritizeanything that's logical,
(20:20):
rational, black and white, quickand intellectual that's from the
mind.
Whereas anything that's from thegut, we may think it's not as
important.
And you know, that's why we getdisconnected from our feelings,
and now we have to reconnectagain and learn to trust those
feelings.
SPEAKER_01 (20:40):
Yeah.
And I also think it's reallyimportant to question any
shoulds.
I mentioned that shouldsearlier.
So shoulds often they're notcoming from our gut or from what
we want, they're coming from ajudgment by ourselves, a
critical voice by ourselves.
I should have done this or Ishould do this, or they're
someone else's expectations.
So question anytime you say Ishould do this, according to
(21:02):
who, is this really good for me?
Do I really want to do this?
Is it realistic?
Is this authentic to me?
SPEAKER_00 (21:10):
So, what you're saying is also to notice how we
are speaking to ourselves, to becritical thinkers and not to
just trust every thought thatcomes to us.
SPEAKER_01 (21:21):
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because, you know, for me, forexample, with my my mother being
quite critical of herself anddefinitely critical towards me,
I took on that voice.
And as a coping mechanism ofprotection, I'd be very critical
of myself so that if someoneelse is critical of me, it's not
(21:43):
going to hurt me as much.
So I'll put myself down.
And that became like a copingmechanism.
But then obviously, as you getolder, and yes, it can motivate
you to do things, but it alsomakes you miserable, and it can
also ruin your happiness andyour joy.
So it's, but it sometimes itcomes up and it's like talking
to that critical voice in a niceway, challenging it, saying,
(22:06):
Okay, where are you coming from?
Why do I need to keep pushingmyself?
Why can't I do this?
Like if you talk to it gently,you can realize do I need to
actually listen to this or not?
And it's far nicer, of course,to encourage yourself in a
positive way, like you wouldtalk to a friend.
Um, if that makes sense.
SPEAKER_00 (22:27):
It makes a lot of sense.
In fact, I think that is a goodrule of thumb to ask ourselves,
how are we talking to ourselves?
Are we talking to ourselves thesame way that we would talk to a
good friend?
The same way that we wouldcounsel someone else who is in
the same situation that we arein.
And I think it's a truth that weoften find we are kinder to
other people than we are toourselves.
SPEAKER_01 (22:49):
Yeah.
I mean, the amount of peoplewhen when we start sessions,
they'll say, Oh, I'm so stupidbecause I did this, or I should
have known better, or you know,like a con they just start with
a self-judgment.
And and it's this is going tolower your energy, it's gonna
make you not feel good, and youwouldn't if I often say to some
people, so if a friend was inthe same situation, what would
(23:12):
you say to them?
Oh, tell them that they've donewell and that they're doing
their best, and you know, we'llsay all kinds of different
things.
So, yeah, it's a really goodquestion to ask yourself.
SPEAKER_00 (23:23):
It's interesting how we know exactly the thing to say
to someone else.
But when it comes to ourselves,we are un unseasonably harsh.
And we think that we have topush, we have to be very firm,
we have to use that discipline,that that critical voice, that
that judgment in order to get usourselves moving and motivated.
(23:46):
Because that's the voice that wegrew up with, and we've so we've
become so used to it, eventhough as a child we hated it.
We didn't respond well to beingtalked to in that way.
And yet we would perpetuate thesame and talk to ourselves as
grown-ups that same way.
SPEAKER_01 (24:06):
Yeah, yeah, and it is so powerful when you change
it, it's very life-changing whenyou change it, it creates a lot
of freedom because the you knowthe the best way that you can
actually love yourself is tostop criticizing yourself, is to
say, I'm not gonna judge myself,I'm not gonna criticize myself,
I'm only gonna speak kindly toyourself, then it makes such a
(24:27):
difference.
Um, because it's just the it'sthe it's the biggest thing that
um affects our overall health,really.
SPEAKER_00 (24:38):
And what would you say to people in relationships
where one person is introvertedand perhaps they are they have
difficulty speaking up forthemselves or speaking up for
their needs?
SPEAKER_01 (24:54):
Yeah, so um it can be difficult for a couple of
reasons.
It can be difficult becauseoften um introverts can abandon
themselves by you know sayingyes to things that they don't
necessarily want to go to, maybefamily gatherings or social
events.
And so when they do stand up forthemselves, they can feel guilt
(25:15):
because you know, society makesyou think that being outgoing
and really sociable is a sign ofsuccess.
And it can also be because theydon't feel comfortable because
that they haven't stood up forthemselves.
They've always, you know, whenwhen we start our first
relationships with our parents,we go along with everything they
say, we do everything they want,and then it can happen in a in a
(25:37):
romantic relationship with anintrovert where they go along
with everything and they realizeactually I'm I'm losing myself
or I'm not I'm not happy or I'mI'm drained or whatever it is,
it's it's impacting them.
But it is so important to speakup.
You know, studies show that whenyou don't speak up, again, it
negatively impacts your health.
And so it is so important.
(25:59):
And the the different clashesthat introverts and extroverts
have, sometimes it's over likesocializing, and then it's about
communication.
An extrovert will just want totalk and talk and resolve things
there and then, they need toexpress everything.
Sometimes they don't even knowwhat's coming out of their
mouth.
Um, and then by the end of theconversation, they realize what
they want out of it.
(26:20):
Whereas an introvert iscompletely different.
They need silence, they need toreflect, they need to think
about what do I want to say andhow do I say.
So, for couples, I alwaysrecommend if you need space, you
need to have that space, butalways giving an extrovert a
time and a place and lettingthem know look, it's really
important for me.
Uh, I know it's really importantfor you, sorry, to talk through
(26:42):
these things.
However, I just can't at themoment, please can we talk about
it in an hour, or please can wetalk about it the next day?
So you're giving them a day anda time, but you're also giving
yourself space because I don'tknow.
For me, if someone's justtalking and I'm trying to
understand what they're sayingwith my partner, if he just
keeps um talking, I I getoverwhelmed and I just can't
(27:04):
even think.
And I feel sometimes I feel likeI want to scream inside because
I can't take it in.
Or sometimes I need to work out,is it true what they're saying?
So I'll need to go away into mysilence, work out, is it true?
Like I really have thatindividual time to process it
and then and then go back anddiscuss it.
SPEAKER_00 (27:22):
And that circles back nicely to what you said
about the power of the cause.
Because when tempers are high,when emotions are running very
intensely, we don't have theability to think clearly because
we are ruled by our emotions inthat moment.
And if the introvert needs spaceto reflect and to process and to
(27:43):
ask those critical questions,but the extrovert is insisting
or pressing for a quickerresolution, then that's not
going to work.
So I like how you've made itthat a form of self-advocacy,
that formula, I guess, to beable to say, I need space, I
need time.
So how about this and how aboutthat?
(28:05):
Then that gives certainty to theother person, but at the same
time, it creates space for theintrovert.
SPEAKER_01 (28:11):
Yeah.
And going back, you know, to toyour partner and saying, Well,
my partner, he's very highenergy, wants to be chatty, so
like very loud sometimes, andsometimes in the morning,
especially, I just need to bequiet.
I just so, but now he knows thatI'll go and have my time, and
then I'll always come back tohim.
So it's also just saying, look,if you leave me to just have my
(28:35):
time, I will keep keep goingback and interacting when I when
I'm in the right mind frame,which allows you to be a lot
more present, a lot moreenergized than kind of just
sitting there and staying in itand then feeling, you know, all
sort of uncomfortable feelingsin yourself.
SPEAKER_00 (28:51):
So that's about communication, effective
communication and not beingafraid or feeling guilty about
speaking up and saying what itis that you need.
SPEAKER_01 (29:00):
Yes, exactly.
And one quote, well, what onething that I find really helpful
is if you look up guilt in theEnglish dictionary, it means
intending to harm somebody.
So unless you're deliberatelyintending to harm somebody, you
have no reason to feel guilty.
So asking for something that youneed, you know, it's nothing to
(29:23):
be guilty about.
SPEAKER_00 (29:25):
And if there's any guilt about it, it's probably a
false kind of guilt.
Because, like you said, based onthe meaning of the word, there
was no intention to harm.
SPEAKER_01 (29:33):
Yeah, and exploring it.
Okay, why do I feel guilty?
Where is this coming from?
Oh, I don't want to disappoint.
Well, I also need to notdisappoint myself.
And you know, those kind ofthings, just asking where is it
coming from?
Because it could be coming from,as we've talked about earlier,
our childhoods or other places,other relationships where we
(29:54):
felt, oh, I have to do whatother people say, but that's not
kind to ourselves.
And if we live like Like that,um, we're not gonna be having
our full freedom, our fullenergy, our full enjoyment.
SPEAKER_00 (30:10):
Could you tell us how you help your clients?
SPEAKER_01 (30:14):
Sure.
So I have different ways ofworking.
So I work with couples a lot.
And for those couples, I offeran action-based program.
I don't believe in traditionaltherapy where you just go over
problems and talk through thishappened or they did this or
they did that.
I don't find it works.
So every what I do is morecoaching and it's structured on
(30:36):
um looking at each partner'sneeds and then an action plan
for that, communication,clearing negativity and
resentment, and healing pastwounds.
So that's kind of like therelationship work I do for
couples, um, which is online.
And then I do a lot of traumahealing, which is where we go
into the body, and again, I dothis online where we feel into
(30:59):
our emotions and we feel intothe body and we release things,
and often memories will come upfrom childhood, from other
relationships, and often whatwe're experiencing in the
present is just um a similarsituation of what we haven't
resolved from the past.
So it always, we always kind ofit always ends up going much
(31:22):
back, and what we're annoyedabout in the present, like, oh,
they forgot my birthday.
It could, for me, you know, thatcould cause a whole meltdown one
year in a relationship where Irealized, oh, it's because I had
three or four really badbirthdays before.
So how we react now often has isonly to do with 10% of the
situation, it's 90% of the theother situation.
(31:44):
So I do trauma healing in thatway, and then I also um because
it really helped me now offerpsychedelic plant medicine
retreats in Asia.
And this I really fell intobecause with the workaholic
pattern, I understood everythingintellectually.
(32:05):
I understood why I do it, whyI've got these attachments, why
work's important to me, whatbenefits it gives me.
I understand I need to take abreak, I need to rest, but the
patterns were so ingrained, andI love exploring the deep world
of myself and what's importantto me and things like that.
So I went on two different umpsychedelic retreats.
(32:27):
One was a mushroom um retreat,private one, one was a San
Pedro, which is a cactus, andboth of them really were
life-changing.
And so now I offer that work,and it's very rewarding helping
people in a much deeper way withthe medicine, because the
medicine has a lot of powers forum healing and helping people to
(32:48):
really find their authenticselves.
SPEAKER_00 (32:52):
And who would be the right kind of people to say yes
to those sorts of retreats?
The plant medicine ones.
SPEAKER_01 (33:00):
People that are looking for, they understand
things intellectually, but theysay still maybe have the same
patterns.
They maybe where talk therapy,they're not really growing
anymore.
They understand things and theywant to change.
Sometimes for couples, where youreally want to cement and a
deeper connection and removesome of the masks that we wear.
(33:22):
The people that are looking foror at crossroads on life,
they're not sure whether tochange job, change career,
change country, changerelationship.
It can be very insightful inthose cases as well.
And for those who just feellike, okay, I've achieved a lot.
And is this all there is?
You know, they're just lookingfor that next thing.
(33:42):
So these are the kind of peoplethat I tend to attract and tend
to be drawn, drawn to this workbecause it's a lot deeper.
And it's so amazing the way thatthe plant medicines work.
They calm the default modenetwork, which is our
overthinking, our criticalthoughts, us, so that you can
then um have really deepinsights from your unconscious
(34:06):
mind.
It can release buried memoriesfor you to process that you
weren't aware of.
It can help you to express youremotions, which a lot of healing
comes from, feeling youremotions and expressing them.
It also increasesneuroplasticity, your brain's
ability to create new neuralpathways.
So you can let go of old habitsand patterns and behaviors,
(34:27):
thinking patterns that don'tserve you.
Um, it also calms the amygdala,the fear center.
And these changes, they've beenscientifically proven, aren't
just in the session.
They can't, that they can andthey do last for many
participants years later.
And that's what I think is sogreat about this.
You it really can you can goreally a lot deeper and it can
(34:51):
be a lot more long-lasting.
So, and it a lot of peoplereally aren't feeling their
emotions.
And it's not that thepsychedelics are making them
more emotional, it's thatthey're removing the fear to
really express and to feel allthese different emotions, and
that can be really powerful forsome people.
SPEAKER_00 (35:10):
I can imagine that would be very freeing for
someone who has not been able toaccess their emotions and who
has lived primarily in theirheads to suddenly be able to
name how they feel and feel howthey feel in a safe container,
in a safe space, and to beamongst people who are doing the
(35:30):
same kind of work, to feel thatsupport and that sense of
community.
So, thank you for this amazingwork you do.
And how do people find you andconnect with you to ask more?
SPEAKER_01 (35:41):
So, to find me, or um listen to my one of my
podcast shows.
I've got the relationshiprevival podcast, which talks
about relationship topics andthen the healing with
psychedelics, which talks aboutall the different ways that
people are using psychedelicsfor creative thinking or
depression or trauma.
And um I have my two websites,which is uh Nicolabeer.com, and
(36:02):
the plant medicine one is calledplantmedicinepower.com.
SPEAKER_00 (36:06):
Fantastic.
We'll make sure to have thelinks to the podcast as well as
your website in the show notesso that people can find you.
So thank you so much, Nicola,for sharing your time and your
wisdom with us today.
SPEAKER_01 (36:18):
Great.
It was a real pleasure.
Thank you.
SPEAKER_00 (36:21):
If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to
leave a five-star rating andreview to help the Quiet Warrior
podcast reach more introvertsand quiet achievers around the
world.
And for resources on how tothrive as an introvert, make
sure to join the visibleintrovert community at
serenaloe.com.au.
See you on the next episode.
(36:42):
I'm so grateful that you're heretoday.
If you found this contentvaluable, please share it on
your social media channels andsubscribe to the show on your
favorite listening platform.
Together we can help moreintroverts thrive.
To receive more upliftingcontent like this, connect with
me on Instagram at SerenaloQuiet Warrior Coach.
(37:03):
Thank you for sharing your timeand your energy with me.
See you on the next episode.
Hi, I'm Serena Lowe.
If you're used to hearing thatintroverts are shy, anxious,
antisocial, and lack goodcommunication and leadership
skills, then this podcast is foryou.
You're about to fall in lovewith a calm, introspective, and
profound person that you are.
Discover what's fun, unique, andpowerful about being an
(00:22):
introvert and how to make theelegant transition from quiet
achiever to quiet warrior inyour life and work, anytime you
want, in more ways than youimagined possible.
Welcome.
Hello and welcome.
Today's guest on the QuietWarrior Podcast is Nicola Beer.
(00:42):
Nicola is a trauma-informedrelationship therapist with over
20 years' experience helpingpeople heal from childhood
wounds, betrayal, and the quietpain of feeling unsafe in love.
She works with individuals andcouples to release old patterns
and build steady, connectedrelationships.
Nicola also facilitates plantmedicine retreats, guiding
(01:06):
people to let go of stored painand return to inner calm and
clarity.
She's the host of two podcastshows, the Relationship Revival
Podcast and Healing withPsychedelics Podcast.
Welcome, Nicola, to the QuietWarrior Podcast.
SPEAKER_01 (01:23):
Thank you.
Thanks so much for having me.
SPEAKER_00 (01:26):
Nicola, you mentioned childhood trauma and
PTSD.
Could you share a little bitabout your background?
What growing up was like foryou?
SPEAKER_01 (01:37):
Sure, absolutely.
So um growing up, I'm one offive, and um it was a very
difficult childhood because mymother was constantly stressed
and angry having four of four ofthe children.
Um we were quite close together,so two years apart.
And because of that, um my mumwas just really unhappy.
(02:01):
So some days she'd be screamingand shouting, some days she'd be
lying in bed not wanting to getout of bed.
My dad would beg her to go tothe doctors and she didn't, and
so she would take out a lot ofher frustrations on us.
And for me particularly, shewould say that I'm stupid and
(02:22):
that I'm as thick as two shortplanks, or lazy or selfish.
She was just, you know,sometimes she would even say
things like, She wished shedidn't have us, or she hated her
life, she hated us.
Um, so it was really, reallydifficult.
And I took from that, okay, I'mnot good enough, I'm bad, and I
make people angry.
I really believed, okay, it'sme.
I'm the problem.
(02:43):
I'm making my mum act in thisway.
And so it really shaped me as aperson and my relationships,
which is why I like working andenjoy working in the
relationship field as well ashelping individuals, because it
made me not feel very safe inlove, in connection, um, always
(03:05):
kind of to be a bit wary ofpeople and um and to go into my
own world for a protection.
Um, so yeah.
And now she about 15 years ago,she was diagnosed with bipolar.
So whether she's had it thewhole time and she wouldn't get
help, but um now, you know,thankfully she's having she's
(03:27):
having the help, but that's a along time later.
Yeah.
So I it was um it had a majoreffect on my self-esteem.
And when I look back at mychildhood, I could I just feel
sorry for myself, really.
Just think, wow, I just had solittle attention, so little
(03:48):
comfort.
Um so yeah.
And it's led me to have thatdrive to really want to help
people because I know what itlooks it feels like to go
through that pain and to notfeel good about yourself.
SPEAKER_00 (04:03):
Yes.
And it's so often the case,isn't it, that pain becomes the
purpose and gives us a new focusbecause we've been through
something, we don't want otherpeople to experience the same.
We go into that field of helpingother people who are like us.
But I suppose at the same time,there's also people who because
(04:23):
of the traumas they've beenthrough, shy away from that or
find it really hard to connectwith other people because they
felt so disconnected and unseenin their childhood.
So, how did how did you makethat um leap, perhaps?
How did you become someone whonow can connect with others
(04:48):
safely?
SPEAKER_01 (04:49):
I think it really came from the fact that I really
needed help myself, and I I'mI've always been in and I'm also
a lifelong learner andinterested in growth and
learning.
And for me, um it was quiteobvious that I needed help
because I had multiple eatingdisorders for um a long time.
(05:10):
It I used to control my food,control my body.
That's how I kind of coped withit all.
So um, you know, I would havepeople come up and say, What's
going on?
Why are you so thin?
You know, things like that.
So I had to kind of address itbecause it was visible.
And I think that kind of was ablessing, but also an extra
(05:32):
difficulty to it all.
Um, but then I as I startedgetting help, I realized
actually I really enjoy helpingothers as well.
And I really am fascinated bythe world of therapy and growth
and how you can change yourmindset and beliefs, and this
can change your happiness andyour energy and your motivation,
(05:53):
and you can have peace.
You know, one of the biggestachievements in my life for me
is overcoming the eatingdisorders and being able to eat
normally, which other peopleit's just so normal.
Um, but when you you you use itas a an addiction, a habit, you
create so many rules and layers,your mind is so fixated on all
(06:14):
these different things, it wasactually quite hard to let go
of.
So I think sometimes when you'vegot a lot of challenges, working
through them then gives you thatstrength and understanding and
passion to help others.
SPEAKER_00 (06:27):
Wow.
You mentioned it as anaddiction.
What was the eating disordertrying to do for you?
SPEAKER_01 (06:37):
What was it giving you It was giving me an element
of control um in a such anuncontrolled environment where I
couldn't control I didn't feellike I control everything,
especially at home.
Um it gave me um for a time,even if I had a really bad day,
(06:57):
I could praise myself if Ihadn't eaten much.
So it'd be like a tick, well,you've had a bad day, maybe I
haven't done my homework orhaven't done um good enough at
work, but at least I didn't eatmuch.
So it kind of made me feel good.
Um, so that was like when I wasmore towards the anorexic side.
(07:18):
It I was diagnosed with anundiagnosed eating disorder, so
it didn't fall into the box ofthat, but it was a similar sort
of it was a game, it was achallenge, it gave me made me
feel better for not eating, andthen I managed to overcome that.
Um, and then I had bulimia for along, long time.
So I would overeat, and thenthat would be an escape from
(07:40):
emotions, a reward at the end ofthe day.
But of course it's not a rewardbecause then I would be sick and
then tired, but it was anescape.
And then the reason I called itan addiction is I've studied a
lot of um Dr.
Gabor Mate's work, and I've donehis year-long professional
training, and he was saying thatwhen people are sick, um, when
(08:01):
you vomit, you release dopaminein your brain.
And this might have been thereason, obviously, emotional
triggers as well.
But if I'm getting rewarded forit, not only after I'm sick do I
feel, oh, good, I've got thosecalories out of me.
I'm not going to be fat becausethere's a huge fear of being
fat.
Um, but also I'm actuallygetting a chemical reaction.
(08:24):
So that's why I see it as anaddiction.
And also the addiction ofobsessing over it, planning it,
thinking about it.
Um, but it's all of you know,like all addictions, they're
often distractions.
We don't want to feel how wefeel.
And for me, my mum did used tosay, Oh, your sister's your
sister's older sister, shelooked very different to me.
(08:47):
Um, she had sort of reallystraight blonde hair.
My hair was all really um curlyand tight curls, which she my
mum wouldn't even brush becauseit was so tight.
And she would always say, Oh,look, your sister looks great,
your sister's looking neat andperfect.
And so I took that as I'm ugly.
Um, I'm not good enough.
(09:08):
So yeah.
Um, so looks became an areawhich I felt I had to fix.
SPEAKER_00 (09:18):
That makes a lot of sense when you explain it like
that because you didn't feelgood enough.
You found other ways in yourlife to compensate, to see what
can I fix, what can I makebetter, what can I perfect so
that at least in these areas ofmy life I have control.
(09:39):
Yeah.
And what else did you turn tobesides addiction?
Because I know in ourconversation you talked about
workaholism as well as anaddiction.
SPEAKER_01 (09:51):
That that's been my biggest, um, my biggest
challenge actually.
And it's it's one that I'mconstantly working on.
So I threw myself into studiesquite early on, and I got a lot
of achievement from um you knowbeing academics, being
successful in that way.
And then at work, I worked myfirst job.
(10:13):
I worked in a culture whereyou're it was in sales
environment, there was inrecruitment, so you're only as
good as your last month, so thatpushes you, pushes you.
So I learned just you know, ifyou worked hard, then you felt
good.
And then I just carried that on.
So um I find it hard to feelhappy if I'm not productive.
(10:36):
I'm much better at it now, butoccasionally I will still have
the voice of when I'm takingtime off, oh, you're being lazy.
Oh, you're not achieving much.
I tied myself worth to it toachieving.
And the workaholism as anaddiction is quite invisible
because our society may evenencourage it and may say, oh,
(10:57):
that's great, you're working sohard, well done.
But it really has consequences.
It has consequences on your yourhealth, your mental health, your
physical health.
It leads to burnout for a lot ofpeople, which is a really scary
time where they feel like thatthey don't know who they are and
they're collapsing.
And it can obviously impactrelationships.
(11:17):
You may end, you know,relationships may end, they may
be negatively impacted, you maymiss birthdays or milestones or
important things because you'reso focused on work as a
security.
And for me, growing up in ahousehold where we didn't have
any money, um, and the reasonthat my mum was so stressed was
(11:38):
because we we didn't have money.
The arguments between my mum anddad were around money.
So it's for me, it was like Ihave to work, I have to work, I
have to keep working because Inever want to be poor, I never
want to be in that situation.
I took on their fears and reallybelieved that the only way to
feel peace is to just constantlypush, push, push.
(11:59):
But obviously, it's not a happylife if you're just pushing
yourself all the time.
So then I've been working onthat and um I'm much better, but
sometimes that critical voicecan still slip in, even after
years of working on it.
SPEAKER_00 (12:15):
At what point did you realize the workaholism was
a problem?
How do you tell the differencebetween simply working very hard
and when it becomes a red flag?
SPEAKER_01 (12:28):
So for me, it was obvious a long, long time ago
because um I red flags was whenI would take time off and feel
restless and unhappy, even low,just feel like um uneasy.
Um, maybe there's a fear, okay,I'm not being productive, I'm
(12:48):
wasting time, um, or a fear ofokay, well, I don't work hard,
then I might not have enoughmoney.
It's like all kind of subsubtle, subconscious.
And also when I was dating for along time and not really finding
a good partner in relationships,but because I wasn't putting in
the time, you know, I'd go on adate one night and it would be
(13:11):
really nice, and then I might bea bit tired the next day, and
then they'd want to meet again,and then I'd be, oh, you know,
I've got to work, and then I'dkeep putting it off.
So it was just also sabotagingthings.
And what I really knew was whenI said, right, I'm gonna stick
to a schedule, I'm gonna takeevery other weekend off
completely, or I'm gonna finishat this time, or I'm not gonna
(13:33):
look at my phone for thisamount, and I couldn't do it.
I could have all these plans,and I really believed the plans,
but when I actually try to dothe plans, they don't work, and
that was because I was trying todo it with my mind, but I wasn't
healing it from a traumaperspective.
I wasn't healing it from my, youknow, my body, the emotions, the
(13:53):
the deeper patterns that for me,I was when I looked at it more
deeply, I was so attached to mywork because I believed it was
saving me.
It was my savior, it was myhelp, this is what got me out of
my household situation, this iswhat was there for me, this is
what I could rely on, this is mystability.
And so it was so hard to breakaway from it.
SPEAKER_00 (14:17):
You make a good distinction between the mind and
the body.
A lot of therapies still focusmore on the mind.
But what happens when, as yousay, if the body is not
cooperating with the mind andeach of them is going in their
own direction, how do you bringthe body on board so that it is
(14:37):
part of this healing process?
SPEAKER_01 (14:40):
Sure, so it's so important to listen to the body.
Another red flag, which I didn'tactually mention, was that I was
tired.
So I'd I'd work really hard, andthen I just have days where I
just feel absolutely exhausted,and that's when the body says
no.
And if you don't listen to yourbody on a daily basis, then your
body will stop you anyway.
(15:00):
Eventually, the body will say nofor you, and and so my body was
giving me these signs sayingthis is too much, this is too
much.
And then eventually I got um athyroid condition where I had an
overactive thyroid.
So I'd wake up and I'd feel likeI hadn't slept, and it my body
was just saying, like, changesomething here.
(15:21):
And so you bring the body inbecause the body will will tell
you and and keep telling you,keep giving you the warnings.
And if you don't listen to itearly on, unfortunately, you
know, you may collapse, or youthis is when people get burnout
or or other things happen tothem.
So um it's it's it's combiningthem both, and the mind can tell
(15:44):
you everything.
You know, the mind isn'tnecessarily reliable because
it's you know, it's not based ontruth sometimes.
We can get confused.
What does this mean?
What does that mean?
Whereas the body doesn't lie,your energy doesn't lie.
If you want to do something,you'll feel it in your body,
you'll feel your energy, yes orno.
I think this is really importantfor um introverts as well.
(16:07):
I'm an introvert, and you know,we could we can think, okay, I
should maybe I should do this orI should do that, but no, how do
I feel about this?
How does my body respond tothis?
Do I have the energy?
Really tuning into ourselves isso important because most people
will have the experience whereyou don't listen to your
(16:27):
intuition, and it's normally abad consequence, an undesirable
consequence anytime we overrideour own intuition.
SPEAKER_00 (16:40):
I'm glad you're mentioning this in the
connection with introverts,because you are right.
We introverts and deep thinkersand quiet achievers, we
sometimes rise the intellectover the body's wisdom.
We've been conditioned that wayto look outwards for validation,
for approval, to things that wecan measure the achievements,
(17:03):
the possessions, the status,other people's regard for us.
But we alone have that bodilyintelligence, and that is unique
for each person.
So nobody else knows how we feelor what our capacity is and how
it fluctuates.
Only we can notice and payattention to those clues.
(17:26):
So if we're not takingresponsibility for that and not
listening, then as you say,eventually it catches up and the
body will make its presence feltvery loudly and very strongly.
So, what are some steps we cantake as overthinkers to start
with perhaps thinking less orrelying less on the intellect
(17:52):
and more on our intuition andour body?
SPEAKER_01 (17:57):
Yeah, so I think we can get into a routine of
pausing and just asking usourselves before we say yes to
anybody, before we commitourselves, even just for
ourselves to do something, justclose our eyes.
I like to put one hand on myheart and one hand on my
stomach, and just be like, youknow, how am I feeling about
this?
Is this gonna be good for me?
(18:17):
You know, just really pausingand taking that time to connect
with yourself.
And sometimes if you're notsure, then saying, Well, I'm not
gonna say yes, or I'm not gonnado it until I'm sure.
Um, so this is one way of doingthat.
And making sure that we aretaking time to preserve our
(18:38):
energy, to not just keep pushingor say, you know, give because I
think often we can write a listof all these things.
I really want to get all of thisdone today or all of this done
this week.
But it's just when you actuallygo to do it, it's not realistic.
So it's like, okay, what's themost important thing that I want
to focus on?
Pausing, asking yourself, I liketo close my eyes to go inward,
(19:01):
it really helps me.
And then waiting for the answerand then and listening to
yourself.
The more you listen to yourself,the more you're gonna build that
trust in your gut intuition.
And there's a big differencebetween um a message from the
mind and a message from your gutintuition.
The mind, it kind of has thisflighty, anxious energy.
(19:22):
It's kind of rushed and do this,do that, and what about this?
You know, it's quite rushed.
Whereas when you know something,it comes from the that gut
intuition, it's calm and it'slike I know that this isn't
quite right for me.
I know that this is what I needto do.
It's it's it's much more strongand calm, and that's how you can
(19:43):
know the difference.
And for me, I like to write downall my thoughts all the time to
get them out of my head becausethey're just they consume me a
lot, so I'm always writing outmy thoughts so then I can just
be free in my mind.
That helps me.
SPEAKER_00 (19:57):
That's really helpful.
So decluttering to make space inthe mind and noticing the
difference between your mind andyour gut in terms of the the
quality of the energy that theypresent thoughts to you.
And that actually takes someconscious effort because the
conditioning is to prioritizeanything that's logical,
(20:20):
rational, black and white, quickand intellectual that's from the
mind.
Whereas anything that's from thegut, we may think it's not as
important.
And you know, that's why we getdisconnected from our feelings,
and now we have to reconnectagain and learn to trust those
feelings.
SPEAKER_01 (20:40):
Yeah.
And I also think it's reallyimportant to question any
shoulds.
I mentioned that shouldsearlier.
So shoulds often they're notcoming from our gut or from what
we want, they're coming from ajudgment by ourselves, a
critical voice by ourselves.
I should have done this or Ishould do this, or they're
someone else's expectations.
So question anytime you say Ishould do this, according to
(21:02):
who, is this really good for me?
Do I really want to do this?
Is it realistic?
Is this authentic to me?
SPEAKER_00 (21:10):
So, what you're saying is also to notice how we
are speaking to ourselves, to becritical thinkers and not to
just trust every thought thatcomes to us.
SPEAKER_01 (21:21):
Yes, exactly.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because, you know, for me, forexample, with my my mother being
quite critical of herself anddefinitely critical towards me,
I took on that voice.
And as a coping mechanism ofprotection, I'd be very critical
of myself so that if someoneelse is critical of me, it's not
(21:43):
going to hurt me as much.
So I'll put myself down.
And that became like a copingmechanism.
But then obviously, as you getolder, and yes, it can motivate
you to do things, but it alsomakes you miserable, and it can
also ruin your happiness andyour joy.
So it's, but it sometimes itcomes up and it's like talking
to that critical voice in a niceway, challenging it, saying,
(22:06):
Okay, where are you coming from?
Why do I need to keep pushingmyself?
Why can't I do this?
Like if you talk to it gently,you can realize do I need to
actually listen to this or not?
And it's far nicer, of course,to encourage yourself in a
positive way, like you wouldtalk to a friend.
Um, if that makes sense.
SPEAKER_00 (22:27):
It makes a lot of sense.
In fact, I think that is a goodrule of thumb to ask ourselves,
how are we talking to ourselves?
Are we talking to ourselves thesame way that we would talk to a
good friend?
The same way that we wouldcounsel someone else who is in
the same situation that we arein.
And I think it's a truth that weoften find we are kinder to
other people than we are toourselves.
SPEAKER_01 (22:49):
Yeah.
I mean, the amount of peoplewhen when we start sessions,
they'll say, Oh, I'm so stupidbecause I did this, or I should
have known better, or you know,like a con they just start with
a self-judgment.
And and it's this is going tolower your energy, it's gonna
make you not feel good, and youwouldn't if I often say to some
people, so if a friend was inthe same situation, what would
(23:12):
you say to them?
Oh, tell them that they've donewell and that they're doing
their best, and you know, we'llsay all kinds of different
things.
So, yeah, it's a really goodquestion to ask yourself.
SPEAKER_00 (23:23):
It's interesting how we know exactly the thing to say
to someone else.
But when it comes to ourselves,we are un unseasonably harsh.
And we think that we have topush, we have to be very firm,
we have to use that discipline,that that critical voice, that
that judgment in order to get usourselves moving and motivated.
(23:46):
Because that's the voice that wegrew up with, and we've so we've
become so used to it, eventhough as a child we hated it.
We didn't respond well to beingtalked to in that way.
And yet we would perpetuate thesame and talk to ourselves as
grown-ups that same way.
SPEAKER_01 (24:06):
Yeah, yeah, and it is so powerful when you change
it, it's very life-changing whenyou change it, it creates a lot
of freedom because the you knowthe the best way that you can
actually love yourself is tostop criticizing yourself, is to
say, I'm not gonna judge myself,I'm not gonna criticize myself,
I'm only gonna speak kindly toyourself, then it makes such a
(24:27):
difference.
Um, because it's just the it'sthe it's the biggest thing that
um affects our overall health,really.
SPEAKER_00 (24:38):
And what would you say to people in relationships
where one person is introvertedand perhaps they are they have
difficulty speaking up forthemselves or speaking up for
their needs?
SPEAKER_01 (24:54):
Yeah, so um it can be difficult for a couple of
reasons.
It can be difficult becauseoften um introverts can abandon
themselves by you know sayingyes to things that they don't
necessarily want to go to, maybefamily gatherings or social
events.
And so when they do stand up forthemselves, they can feel guilt
(25:15):
because you know, society makesyou think that being outgoing
and really sociable is a sign ofsuccess.
And it can also be because theydon't feel comfortable because
that they haven't stood up forthemselves.
They've always, you know, whenwhen we start our first
relationships with our parents,we go along with everything they
say, we do everything they want,and then it can happen in a in a
(25:37):
romantic relationship with anintrovert where they go along
with everything and they realizeactually I'm I'm losing myself
or I'm not I'm not happy or I'mI'm drained or whatever it is,
it's it's impacting them.
But it is so important to speakup.
You know, studies show that whenyou don't speak up, again, it
negatively impacts your health.
And so it is so important.
(25:59):
And the the different clashesthat introverts and extroverts
have, sometimes it's over likesocializing, and then it's about
communication.
An extrovert will just want totalk and talk and resolve things
there and then, they need toexpress everything.
Sometimes they don't even knowwhat's coming out of their
mouth.
Um, and then by the end of theconversation, they realize what
they want out of it.
(26:20):
Whereas an introvert iscompletely different.
They need silence, they need toreflect, they need to think
about what do I want to say andhow do I say.
So, for couples, I alwaysrecommend if you need space, you
need to have that space, butalways giving an extrovert a
time and a place and lettingthem know look, it's really
important for me.
Uh, I know it's really importantfor you, sorry, to talk through
(26:42):
these things.
However, I just can't at themoment, please can we talk about
it in an hour, or please can wetalk about it the next day?
So you're giving them a day anda time, but you're also giving
yourself space because I don'tknow.
For me, if someone's justtalking and I'm trying to
understand what they're sayingwith my partner, if he just
keeps um talking, I I getoverwhelmed and I just can't
(27:04):
even think.
And I feel sometimes I feel likeI want to scream inside because
I can't take it in.
Or sometimes I need to work out,is it true what they're saying?
So I'll need to go away into mysilence, work out, is it true?
Like I really have thatindividual time to process it
and then and then go back anddiscuss it.
SPEAKER_00 (27:22):
And that circles back nicely to what you said
about the power of the cause.
Because when tempers are high,when emotions are running very
intensely, we don't have theability to think clearly because
we are ruled by our emotions inthat moment.
And if the introvert needs spaceto reflect and to process and to
(27:43):
ask those critical questions,but the extrovert is insisting
or pressing for a quickerresolution, then that's not
going to work.
So I like how you've made itthat a form of self-advocacy,
that formula, I guess, to beable to say, I need space, I
need time.
So how about this and how aboutthat?
(28:05):
Then that gives certainty to theother person, but at the same
time, it creates space for theintrovert.
SPEAKER_01 (28:11):
Yeah.
And going back, you know, to toyour partner and saying, Well,
my partner, he's very highenergy, wants to be chatty, so
like very loud sometimes, andsometimes in the morning,
especially, I just need to bequiet.
I just so, but now he knows thatI'll go and have my time, and
then I'll always come back tohim.
So it's also just saying, look,if you leave me to just have my
(28:35):
time, I will keep keep goingback and interacting when I when
I'm in the right mind frame,which allows you to be a lot
more present, a lot moreenergized than kind of just
sitting there and staying in itand then feeling, you know, all
sort of uncomfortable feelingsin yourself.
SPEAKER_00 (28:51):
So that's about communication, effective
communication and not beingafraid or feeling guilty about
speaking up and saying what itis that you need.
SPEAKER_01 (29:00):
Yes, exactly.
And one quote, well, what onething that I find really helpful
is if you look up guilt in theEnglish dictionary, it means
intending to harm somebody.
So unless you're deliberatelyintending to harm somebody, you
have no reason to feel guilty.
So asking for something that youneed, you know, it's nothing to
(29:23):
be guilty about.
SPEAKER_00 (29:25):
And if there's any guilt about it, it's probably a
false kind of guilt.
Because, like you said, based onthe meaning of the word, there
was no intention to harm.
SPEAKER_01 (29:33):
Yeah, and exploring it.
Okay, why do I feel guilty?
Where is this coming from?
Oh, I don't want to disappoint.
Well, I also need to notdisappoint myself.
And you know, those kind ofthings, just asking where is it
coming from?
Because it could be coming from,as we've talked about earlier,
our childhoods or other places,other relationships where we
(29:54):
felt, oh, I have to do whatother people say, but that's not
kind to ourselves.
And if we live like Like that,um, we're not gonna be having
our full freedom, our fullenergy, our full enjoyment.
SPEAKER_00 (30:10):
Could you tell us how you help your clients?
SPEAKER_01 (30:14):
Sure.
So I have different ways ofworking.
So I work with couples a lot.
And for those couples, I offeran action-based program.
I don't believe in traditionaltherapy where you just go over
problems and talk through thishappened or they did this or
they did that.
I don't find it works.
So every what I do is morecoaching and it's structured on
(30:36):
um looking at each partner'sneeds and then an action plan
for that, communication,clearing negativity and
resentment, and healing pastwounds.
So that's kind of like therelationship work I do for
couples, um, which is online.
And then I do a lot of traumahealing, which is where we go
into the body, and again, I dothis online where we feel into
(30:59):
our emotions and we feel intothe body and we release things,
and often memories will come upfrom childhood, from other
relationships, and often whatwe're experiencing in the
present is just um a similarsituation of what we haven't
resolved from the past.
So it always, we always kind ofit always ends up going much
(31:22):
back, and what we're annoyedabout in the present, like, oh,
they forgot my birthday.
It could, for me, you know, thatcould cause a whole meltdown one
year in a relationship where Irealized, oh, it's because I had
three or four really badbirthdays before.
So how we react now often has isonly to do with 10% of the
situation, it's 90% of the theother situation.
(31:44):
So I do trauma healing in thatway, and then I also um because
it really helped me now offerpsychedelic plant medicine
retreats in Asia.
And this I really fell intobecause with the workaholic
pattern, I understood everythingintellectually.
(32:05):
I understood why I do it, whyI've got these attachments, why
work's important to me, whatbenefits it gives me.
I understand I need to take abreak, I need to rest, but the
patterns were so ingrained, andI love exploring the deep world
of myself and what's importantto me and things like that.
So I went on two different umpsychedelic retreats.
(32:27):
One was a mushroom um retreat,private one, one was a San
Pedro, which is a cactus, andboth of them really were
life-changing.
And so now I offer that work,and it's very rewarding helping
people in a much deeper way withthe medicine, because the
medicine has a lot of powers forum healing and helping people to
(32:48):
really find their authenticselves.
SPEAKER_00 (32:52):
And who would be the right kind of people to say yes
to those sorts of retreats?
The plant medicine ones.
SPEAKER_01 (33:00):
People that are looking for, they understand
things intellectually, but theysay still maybe have the same
patterns.
They maybe where talk therapy,they're not really growing
anymore.
They understand things and theywant to change.
Sometimes for couples, where youreally want to cement and a
deeper connection and removesome of the masks that we wear.
(33:22):
The people that are looking foror at crossroads on life,
they're not sure whether tochange job, change career,
change country, changerelationship.
It can be very insightful inthose cases as well.
And for those who just feellike, okay, I've achieved a lot.
And is this all there is?
You know, they're just lookingfor that next thing.
(33:42):
So these are the kind of peoplethat I tend to attract and tend
to be drawn, drawn to this workbecause it's a lot deeper.
And it's so amazing the way thatthe plant medicines work.
They calm the default modenetwork, which is our
overthinking, our criticalthoughts, us, so that you can
then um have really deepinsights from your unconscious
(34:06):
mind.
It can release buried memoriesfor you to process that you
weren't aware of.
It can help you to express youremotions, which a lot of healing
comes from, feeling youremotions and expressing them.
It also increasesneuroplasticity, your brain's
ability to create new neuralpathways.
So you can let go of old habitsand patterns and behaviors,
(34:27):
thinking patterns that don'tserve you.
Um, it also calms the amygdala,the fear center.
And these changes, they've beenscientifically proven, aren't
just in the session.
They can't, that they can andthey do last for many
participants years later.
And that's what I think is sogreat about this.
You it really can you can goreally a lot deeper and it can
(34:51):
be a lot more long-lasting.
So, and it a lot of peoplereally aren't feeling their
emotions.
And it's not that thepsychedelics are making them
more emotional, it's thatthey're removing the fear to
really express and to feel allthese different emotions, and
that can be really powerful forsome people.
SPEAKER_00 (35:10):
I can imagine that would be very freeing for
someone who has not been able toaccess their emotions and who
has lived primarily in theirheads to suddenly be able to
name how they feel and feel howthey feel in a safe container,
in a safe space, and to beamongst people who are doing the
(35:30):
same kind of work, to feel thatsupport and that sense of
community.
So, thank you for this amazingwork you do.
And how do people find you andconnect with you to ask more?
SPEAKER_01 (35:41):
So, to find me, or um listen to my one of my
podcast shows.
I've got the relationshiprevival podcast, which talks
about relationship topics andthen the healing with
psychedelics, which talks aboutall the different ways that
people are using psychedelicsfor creative thinking or
depression or trauma.
And um I have my two websites,which is uh Nicolabeer.com, and
(36:02):
the plant medicine one is calledplantmedicinepower.com.
SPEAKER_00 (36:06):
Fantastic.
We'll make sure to have thelinks to the podcast as well as
your website in the show notesso that people can find you.
So thank you so much, Nicola,for sharing your time and your
wisdom with us today.
SPEAKER_01 (36:18):
Great.
It was a real pleasure.
Thank you.
SPEAKER_00 (36:21):
If you enjoyed today's episode, be sure to
leave a five-star rating andreview to help the Quiet Warrior
podcast reach more introvertsand quiet achievers around the
world.
And for resources on how tothrive as an introvert, make
sure to join the visibleintrovert community at
serenaloe.com.au.
See you on the next episode.
(36:42):
I'm so grateful that you're heretoday.
If you found this contentvaluable, please share it on
your social media channels andsubscribe to the show on your
favorite listening platform.
Together we can help moreintroverts thrive.
To receive more upliftingcontent like this, connect with
me on Instagram at SerenaloQuiet Warrior Coach.
(37:03):
Thank you for sharing your timeand your energy with me.
See you on the next episode.
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